


Uncertainty

by Lumy12



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Post-Canon, Sequel, Slow Build, Some Humor, kind of like a crockpot, some smut, too many tags spoil the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-01-26 04:10:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 47
Words: 350,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12548548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumy12/pseuds/Lumy12
Summary: With romance now mixed into the equation, Joel and Ellie face some new challenges.  Keeping the secret isn't easy, and they begin to wonder if perhaps Jackson isn't the best place for them to live.  Sequel to"Accretion"(although you don't have to read that first).





	1. Forces of Nature

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I never thought I'd actually do a sequel to "Accretion," but the muse surprises me sometimes! "Uncertainty" is #4 in the Savage Starlight comic series in TLOU, and -- no joke -- I was playing the game... picked it up... and a light bulb went off in my head I COULD TOTALLY WORK WITH THIS FOR A SEQUEL *AND* keep with the S.S. title theme -- and suddenly I was writing.
> 
> Even though it's a sequel, I believe this story works well as a stand-alone, so no worries if you haven't read the first one, or if it's been a while and you don't remember much of it. I've thrown in references to the first story where background may be needed. This story begins a few weeks after the epilogue.
> 
> Like "Accretion," this will be a mix of drama, angst, and humor. However, this one is primarily a Joellie story, so if the pairing is not your cup of tea, you may want to skip it. And, general disclaimer: this is FICTION, so just know that if, in certain chapters, it looks like I'm justifying a sexual relationship between a middle-aged man and a teenage girl, it's for TLOU only, not real life. I say this because I was kinda like "damn, girl..." in my head when writing certain parts... lol. I think that the fantasy/real life line can get a little blurry sometimes. Also, unlike the first story, this one includes some smut. I do not attest to the quality (or quantity!) of said smut :) I haven't read much in recent years and this might be very vanilla compared to what's standard. My main focus is where it almost always is -- on emotions.
> 
> As for when you can expect updates... I don't like to commit to a particular day of the week or a rigid schedule, but I will be posting chapters regularly. Things seem to work best for me when I post about every 1.5 weeks. I'll try not to go longer than 2 weeks, and there may be times there's only 1 week in between chapters, because I AM eager to get things rolling! I've already done a TON of work on this story -- over 200,000 words. I don't anticipate any issues with updating and I promise it will get finished; right now it's set to be 45 chapters, but I may add one (I'm UNCERTAIN about that at the moment... ha!). 
> 
> I'm not a big fan of A/Ns -- sorry this one's so long! I hope to limit most of them to giving credit for the chapter titles I steal from songs, as applicable :) -I didn't do that with "Accretion" because I didn't start titling chapters 'til somewhere around the end, whoops. 
> 
> Thank you soooo much for reading, and I hope you enjoy the story!

Eight days.  That was definitely a record.

Joel couldn't decide if Ellie was going to hug him or kill him, but either way, he couldn't wait to see her.  He urged the horse to go a little faster as the trees started to give way to farmlands.  There were more people than usual working at the farms today, mostly the middle one -- the fields with the most harvestable crops (for August, at least).  Joel slowed the horse to a walk and headed towards the fields.  Ellie usually worked more with the animals, but in the afternoons, they'd been pulling her to help with harvesting.  _So many people working out there... she's gotta be in there somewhere... why can't I pick her out?_

That old familiar feeling niggled at him... the one he constantly had to quash whenever he expected to see Ellie and didn't, that made him jump to the worst possible conclusion, however illogical it was -- and then he heard her screaming his name.  The scream didn't completely alleviate the worry, but the sight of her running towards him did.  _She's okay.  Just excited to see me._

He realized why he couldn't pick her out of the masses:  she was dressed even more boyishly than usual, in clothes that Joel was certain didn't belong to her... and _holy shit_ , someone had actually convinced her to wear a hat?!  It was a big straw hat, which flew off her head as she ran, the cord around her neck causing it to dangle down her back until she yanked it completely off her head -- running full speed all the while -- and flung it away. 

Joel pulled up on the reins and dismounted the horse approximately five seconds before she reached him, so he had time to prepare for her launching herself at him with considerable force.  He staggered backwards a bit, but he caught her, of course, both of them laughing as she wrapped her arms and legs around him and held on for dear life.  Her heart was beating a mile a minute from the run, and she was panting, but even being breathless wasn't enough to keep that girl from talking when she had shit to say.

"You said you were gonna -- try to come back in like -- five days?!" she panted.  "I was worried!"

_That's my girl... first thing she's gotta do is yell at me,_ he thought with affection.  Joel had expected her to be pissed.  He crushed her against him, cradling her head on his shoulder.  All of her limbs clasped him like a vise-grip... God, he'd missed that.  "Sorry, kiddo, but the thing is... I ain't even really back yet.  Only for a day or so."

She pulled back a little, and he started to put her down, until she protested.  "No no no -- I just wanna look at you... you're really here..."  He felt the same way.  While he was surveying the new patches of sunburn on her face, she kissed him on the lips -- chastely, but still! -- so he put her down despite the protests.

"Ellie!" he scolded.

"That was totally nothing!" she pouted.

It might have been more than nothing if he hadn't set her down so quickly.  He didn't want to fight with her.  Before she could begin her tired old 'fathers and daughters can totally kiss each other' spiel, he stepped back far enough to take in her outfit.  "What the hell are you wearin'?  Those ain't your pants."

"They're _overalls_ ," she corrected him in her eyeroll tone.  "Will gave them to me.  They're getting a little short for him.  You've been gone so long that people are outgrowing their fucking clothes, Joel!"

"Cute.  Well, no wonder I didn' recognize you from far away.  You _are_ a sight for sore eyes, though, as they say," he added fondly.

"Your eyes hurt?"

He chuckled.  "It's an expression."  Sometimes he forgot how literal she was.  " 'Til now, they did."

"Because... then you saw me..."

"An' you look so good they don' hurt no more."

She scoffed at that, but Joel could tell she was pleased.  "Yeah, with like dirt all over me and straw in my hair... no pig shit today, though, at least?"

"Dirt an' all, yes.  How've you been?  Too busy down here to even miss me, right?"

"Wrong."  She started to move toward him, but he stopped her by taking hold of her arms.  "Just a hug, I swear!"

He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.  Yep, she had straw in her hair, all right.  Some dirt, too, which suggested she hadn't been wearing that hat the entire day.  It wouldn't stop him from kissing or touching her hair, though.  "If you can manage to pull yourself away from this place, I'll cook you dinner."  _And give you a proper greeting..._

She giggled, and her arms did the vise-grip thing again.  "I dunno... Esther was gonna show me how to make spaghetti out of zucchini... maybe I'll do that instead."

He plucked some straw from her hair.  "All right, well, maybe I'll jus' go back out a 'lil early then."

"No!  Don't you dare!  Why do you even have to go back?" she asked, and he could hear the pout, even if he couldn't see it with her cheek pressed against his chest.

"I told you -- there's a lot to do," he answered patiently.  That was an understatement.  Joel and a bunch of other people were helping their new 'sister farm' erect a wall similar to Jackson's, and they were hoping to complete it before the weather started to get nasty.  "It's goin' a bit slower than we'd like.  I wasn' even s'posed to come back yet... it was gonna be Craig, but I told him I'd take care of things here for him so he could stay... I gotta check the tickets, an' see about gettin' another wagon..."

Joel watched Ellie's friend Annie approach, and he gently – reluctantly -- disentangled himself from Ellie's arms as he nodded her a hello.  One year older than Ellie, she was a sweet girl, and the two had become fast friends. 

"Hey, Joel!" she greeted him with a smile.  "I'm sooooooo glad you're back -- Ellie's been moping around here like someone died."

"Have not!" Ellie protested, turning toward her friend.  "The moping is from not getting to ride Spirit this week," she added, smirking at Joel.

Annie laughed.  "Riiiiight.  Lose something?"  She dangled the hat by its strap in front of Ellie.

"I was in a hurry and it was just in the way!" Ellie laughed, taking the hat but not putting it back on.

"In the way... on your head?  You're funny.  Okay, well, I'll take Duke off your hands, Joel..." She started to reach for the horse, but Ellie stopped her.

"I'll do that if you'll finish my peas," Ellie offered sing-song-ingly.  Joel knew she would rather do anything involving the animals, even mucking out stalls, than 'this harvesting crap,' as she put it.  Annie wasn't immune to Ellie's charms either, it would seem, or maybe she really didn't mind the fieldwork, because she handed the reins over to Ellie. 

"Yay!" Ellie squealed, but she sobered quickly as she turned to Joel.  "Unless... are you going straight home?"

"No, go on, I got a few things to do first.  Jus' wanted to let you know I'm back, for the time being."

"How long?"

"Depends on the tickets."  An unmistakably mischievous gleam in her eye made him chuckle.  "An' don' you go forgin' a bunch of 'em, or gettin' people to turn in fake ones, an' all that.  Most of 'em are gonna sit for a while yet.  Jus'... you know, if a border wall is damaged or somethin', I'll go look at it."

"You can come eat down here later if you want," Annie said to Joel.  "Mom would _love_ that."

A look was exchanged between the two girls.  It was noticeable to Joel, but he didn't know how to interpret it.  Those two had some kind of silent girl language that was foreign to him.  He could see that Ellie was annoyed; did she really think he might want to spend what little time they would have together around other people?  She was pretty damn adorable when she was annoyed, too; it was tempting to accept the dinner invitation -- or, rather, pretend to _consider_ accepting -- just to get her more riled up.  But he decided to be kind.  "Thank you, but... maybe next time.  Seeya back home, Ellie?"

Ellie brightened then.  "Yes!  I'm sure Esther'll let me go a little early if I bust my ass... so don't work too long, 'kay?"

He wanted to kiss her goodbye, but of course he couldn't, not with Annie right there and another few dozen people within eyeshot.  He just gave her a little wave and started heading back to their little house in the woods; he hadn't mentioned that he'd be stopping by there first, knowing she'd be tempted to blow off her work and follow him.  There was no need for that.  After so many days apart, what was a couple more hours? 

Now that he'd laid his 'sore' eyes on her, the niggling voice in his head was satisfied, and he could look forward to seeing her again soon.  In the meantime, he had tickets to check... those should still be at the library, since the construction office, or what served as one, was unoccupied while everyone was off site, with no one to pick them up... he also had to go to the storehouse if he was going to make dinner (Ellie had been staying with Annie since he left, and he knew she wouldn't have left anything perishable behind)... and last but not least, he had laundry to drop off.  Yes, they were so domesticated now that even though they'd gone weeks at a time without washing their clothes, having barely more than the garments on their backs, that no longer felt tolerable.  Besides, Joel hadn't thought to do some before he left, and he didn't have _that_ many shirts or boxers. 

They'd been living in Jackson for almost four months now, and were well-accustomed to the town's rules, practices, and attitudes.  For the first couple of months, Joel couldn't understand why Ellie kept trying to do their wash herself, by hand.  Because she 'felt like doing it,' or something was 'too stained' to pass along -- bullshit excuses.  If the stains had anything to do with, say, female hygiene, Joel could understand, but Ellie was always more concerned with his laundry than her own.  He knew she didn't particularly like the laundry staff, but what did that matter?  It wasn't like you had to be friends with people who were simply doing a job.  Sometimes, people would stick around and chat, but it was perfectly acceptable to just hand over your shit and go.  Joel thought it was pretty damn luxurious to live in a place where you don't even have to do your own laundry.  It allowed the residents more leisure time, and it provided jobs for people who maybe didn't have utilizable skills.

On more than one occasion, Joel had tried to extract a real reason for the laundromat aversion from Ellie, and she'd refused to give him one.  Now that they were... _together_ , he understood it.  It wasn't so much that she didn't _like_ the staff -- she was just jealous, for no reason other than they were female.

Well... female and single.  And one of them was somewhat... not ugly.  _And_ \-- they could be shameless flirts.  Ellie categorized them as skanks, but Joel thought they were mostly just... friendly.  Perhaps especially friendly towards men... but it wasn't like they had any special attraction to him specifically.  If he attempted to try to explain to Ellie that a suggestive comment or two didn't mean anything, she either got all weird and quiet, or accused him of taking their side (how they had a 'side' in the matter, Joel didn't know).  It didn't matter that he never flirted with _them_... never gave them any indication he was into them... she still seemed to consider them threats, or competition.

Joel always tried to make Ellie feel secure.  He thought she was, for the most part... more than most fifteen-year-old girls.  Given her history, he knew it would take assurance upon reassurance upon _shitloads_ of reassurance to make her realize he would never leave her -- and that was the case even without the complications of a romantic relationship magnifying everything.  He'd never given Ellie any reason to think he wanted anyone but her.

But -- and to her, this was a _huge_ 'but' -- he also wouldn't have sex with her.  And Ellie had gotten it into her head that that made him vulnerable, somehow.  More susceptible to the charms of the alleged skanks.  Like his male _needs_ were so pressing that he might magically find himself between the sheets with some woman before he even realized what he was doing -- with some woman he couldn't resist, the way he resisted Ellie.  Some woman he could 'fuck the brains out of' because she wasn't too young, in his eyes.

So, it was better if he went and dropped off his laundry alone -- and if he was lucky, he'd also have enough time to go pick it up before Ellie even got home, to just stuff it back in his bag with Ellie none the wiser.  Unnecessary drama avoided, as well as yet another argument about sex (stemming from the forces of nature Joel was resisting at the laundromat), and why they should or shouldn't be having it.  How _ready_ Ellie supposedly was.

Maybe she was ready, maybe she wasn't.  But Joel knew for certain that _he_ wasn't ready to take the virginity of a fifteen-year-old, so it was a moot point.

He flipped her logic back to her sometimes, in an effort to make her see that she was worrying for nothing: maybe _she_ would get frustrated with not having sex, and fall prey to the charms of some smooth-talking pretty boy who would like nothing better than to give her what Joel wouldn't (not that Joel wouldn't _kill_ anyone who tried, but it was just for argument's sake).  Ellie would roll her eyes, or laugh.  Tell him he's being ridiculous.  He would quirk an eyebrow at her, and she would insist _"It's different!"_   Because he was a _man_.  He would counter by pointing out her age, and the proverbial raging teenage hormones, which he, of course, was not afflicted with.

Joel wondered how many more times they would have the same arguments about sex.  Both of them were stubborn as hell... and they both loved each other fiercely.  He would gladly endure the disagreements every hour of every day, as long as it meant he was with Ellie.  Whatever reservations he had, whatever discomfort he felt in his psyche from being romantic with a teenage girl -- Ellie was worth it.  She was the only _true_ 'force of nature' he had to contend with, in that sense... the you-have-a-man's-needs thing Ellie was overly worried about... although he tended to think of that sweet torture as more chemical than biological -- and ultimately, as just one big fucking mystery.  How could he excuse being attracted to a _fifteen_ -year-old?  He sure as hell couldn't explain it... other than he loved her.

They had yet to have a real fight, in Joel's opinion.  Nothing like some of the fights they'd had right before Joel had finally crossed the line from father to... whatever he was now.  They'd known each other for about a year, but Joel hadn't _really_ started getting to know Ellie until last winter, after she'd single-handedly yanked him away from death's door.  He felt like he was still 'learning' her, especially from this new angle... when to push her to talk and when to stop, when to give her space (the answer to that was 'next to never' -- _he_ was the one who found space beneficial)... how to take an extra moment to think of a way to soften his words... how to avoid upsetting her so much in the first place. 

Ellie was trying, too.  It broke his heart a little that after any sort of disagreement, she half seemed to expect him to bail.  He knew it would take time and patience for her to realize that he was in it for the long haul.  That was her experience with people... people who had mattered to her, so it made sense.  Maybe it was good that she had a healthy fear of fucking things up (if it indeed _was_ healthy?), because a lot of the time, she was on the other end of the spectrum -- confident that nothing would ever split them up, that they were immune to the world's perils in this little bubble they were creating for themselves.  She needed to be reminded that relationships required effort and compromise... and protection.  To Joel, it seemed that they had the deck stacked against them from the get-go, but she didn't see it that way.

And... to be honest, her naïveté and enthusiasm were rather infectious.  Joel also loved that despite how street-wise and smart she was, there was still this innocence about her.  Eventually, they'd have to start playing the hand they were dealt... but for now, the bubble felt alluringly cozy.

Joel had dropped off all his gear (less the two guns he regularly carried on his person, of course) and other shit at home on the way to deliver the horse to the farm, so now he returned there to sort it out, and decided to tackle the laundry first.  He checked the hamper and found none of Ellie's dirty clothes... which made sense, of course -- they would be part of the farm loads.  That was the case with many of her clothes even when she was sleeping at home.

The laundry room was manned by... Skank #1, if Joel guessed right.  He could never quite remember if Ellie had dubbed her that because she was 'number one' at being a big ol' skank, or if she was #2 because the skankiness was up to the next level.  Whichever one she was, she was the attendant Ellie disliked more:  the younger and more attractive of the two.  The other one was around Joel's age, and actually more of an overt flirt, but not as easy on the eyes, so Ellie didn't seem to consider her a threat so much as this one.

This one's real name was Sophie.  Joel wasn't that great with names, but he'd heard enough _"Hi, Sophie!"_ s in the laundry room over the past few months that it stuck.  He'd gotten into the habit of not using her name, though, because when he did, Ellie would either get all quiet, as if fretting over the possible significance of him calling her by name, or she'd get sulky and pissy.  It took Joel a couple rounds of that to realize what the problem was, because she wouldn't tell him -- it was like deep down she knew it was too ridiculous to talk about and it shouldn't bother her, yet it did.  Joel also pointed out to her that he knew Sophie's brother, Alex, from various construction jobs, and he'd mentioned his sister plenty of times, but that didn't seem to strike Ellie as a good enough reason for Joel to remember her name.

Sophie was folding a load when he walked in... and he was a little disappointed to find that no one else was there at the moment, making it next to impossible to just do a drive-by. If she'd been in the middle of a conversation with someone else, or even just really absorbed in whatever novel she was reading during down time (Ellie seemed to associate reading romance novels with skankiness, too, as both 'skanks' did that), he might have been able to get in and out with barely more than a grunted hello.  _No such luck today_. 

Sure enough, she turned and smiled at him... and looked a little too happy to see him, really.  "Joel!  Hey!  When did you get back?"  She let the shirt she'd been folding drop back into the pile, and walked over to him.  He had taken an actual laundry basket in and not just a sack of clothes, as Ellie had trained him to do ( _"she stands TOO CLOSE to you -- you have to keep that basket in between you 'til the last second!"_ ).  She'd gone to a bit of trouble to procure the basket, too, as he recalled.

"I'm only here for a day or two, checkin' on things for Craig."  He was glad Ellie wasn't there to wonder how Sophie knew he'd been out of town.  After all, it wasn't like he brought laundry in every day, or even once a week, so why should she even notice?  Worse than that, Joel had actually _told_ her he was leaving for a few days, and Ellie would've made a ridiculously big deal out of that.

What Ellie didn't know -- and Joel saw nothing good coming out of telling her now -- was that one day when he and Alex were on a job together, Alex had asked Joel for a favor...

_"Hey man, can I talk to you for a minute?"_

_"What's up?"_

_"I was just wondering... I was hoping you could help me out with something."_

_"All right.  Shoot."_

_"Well... you know Soph is a bit... how do I put this... she doesn't have a boyfriend right now--"_

_"Sorry.  Not interested.  No offense."_

_"No no no -- haha!  Shit, she'd kill me if she thought I was trying to meddle in her love life.  Not that it don't need meddling with.  It's usually a train wreck.  Wish she'd quit going for younger guys.  But that's not why I... actually, the fact that you're NOT interested is perfect."_

_"Perfect for what?"_

_"Well, if for some reason I'm not around... say, for a few months, maybe more... or if something happens to me..."_

_"You goin' somewhere?"_

_"No... no, just in general.  Shit happens, know what I mean?  She's not very... what's the word... pragmatic?... no... I don't know.  She doesn't always deal with things the way she should... I don't think she'd take very well to being alone."_

_"You said she has a lot of friends, though..."_

_"She does.  But they're not the best influences.  Like that Kathy chick?  She puts these bullshit fairy tale ideas in her head about men..."_

_"What are you gettin' at, if this ain't about fixin' us up--"_

_"It's not, I swear.  I'd feel better knowing someone was looking out for her, if I couldn't.  That’s all.  Fixing the front door when it gets stuck -- because she'd sooner climb out the window than fix it herself..."_

_"You know there's people who can do shit like that for her, right?"_

_"I know, but I don't like the thought of... well, she has a way of getting herself into trouble sometimes.  It's like... with your Ellie.  Wouldn't you feel better knowing someone -- someone decent, and capable... would keep an eye out for her if anything happened?  Your brother could, sure, and Maria, but they're out of town so much, especially with that new farm now... I didn't want to ask them myself."_

_"I ain't my brother."_

_"Maybe not, but I've seen you with Ellie.  And I know what you did for her... a girl you didn't even know at the time.  You're one of the good guys."_

Alex wasn't the only one who'd made such an assumption about him, based on him helping Ellie cross the country, then taking responsibility for her when her 'relatives' or whoever turned out to be dead.  Joel would snicker to himself, wondering what they would think if they knew about the whole Salt Lake thing.  How many would still think he was a good person after that?  Anyway, even though it was a bizarre conversation to have, with Alex basically seeking a godparent -- godbrother? -- for his grown sister, Joel could understand his concern.  He would want someone to keep an eye on Ellie for him in the event that he couldn't do it himself.  He'd never discussed that with anyone, but Tommy and Maria considered Ellie their niece; he could safely assume they'd do more than look out for her -- they'd take her in.

Joel had assured Alex he'd check on Sophie from time to time if he wanted, and that if she needed anything, she could ask him... shit like that.  But if she wanted to have an affair or something with a guy Alex deemed undesirable, that was her business, and Joel wouldn't interfere.  If it were Ellie, though?  He would expect Tommy to kick the ass of any guy who came near her.  That was the difference twenty years made... although if he was honest with himself, he'd probably feel that way whether Ellie was an adult or not. 

At any rate, Alex had seemed satisfied with the deal.  Joel hadn't been surprised to learn a couple weeks later that he'd split... under mysterious circumstances.  Sophie had said it was some kind of Jackson business, but he could tell she knew the real reason.  He didn't push her to tell him, because he really didn't need to know what it was.

Joel didn't know how old she was, exactly, but ballpark, he would guess mid-thirties.  She liked to wear shorts that, according to Ellie, were way too short (Joel did very much appreciate that Ellie was ass-backwards in her thinking there, compared to teenage girls from back in the day who set such store by slutty-looking clothes, the skimpier the better).  Sophie was attractive enough, he supposed... just not his type.  Basically because she wasn't Ellie.  If that made him a sick fuck, then he was a sick fuck.  The woman made no move to take the laundry from him, naturally.  She just stood in front of him, her hand on her hip, tossing her long blond hair back over her shoulder -- a motion of hers that Ellie hated.  "Oh yeah?  Cool beans.  Checking on things... meaning checking for jobs?"

"Right," he replied.  Ellie also didn't like that she said things like 'cool beans'... 'yeppers'... 'neato'... Joel didn't see what there was to like or dislike about stupid shit like that.  Sure, certain words or phrases could be irritating, but Ellie judged her for it as a person.  For every little thing.  As if saying 'cool beans' somehow increased her alleged skankiness.  If anything, Joel reckoned it should be the opposite -- it was kind of goofy or nerdy, wasn't it?  One part nerd should cancel out one part skank?  _Ellie would be happy to know that I'm standing here thinking only about how much she dislikes everything about this woman,_ Joel chuckled internally.

Sophie was all smiles.  "Great!  'Cause remember the water damage... and the attic ceiling?  The hole?  It's--"

"Urgent things only," Joel interrupted her.  Funny thing was, Alex had apparently never mentioned to Sophie that he'd recruited Joel to look out for her.  Or if he had, she'd never said so.  And it sure seemed like the sort of thing a person might mention, when the qualifying circumstances arose.

"It's worse now.  And I can hear the mice up there... I barely got any sleep last night, imagining them crawling into bed with me..." She shuddered.

Joel chuckled.  "I don' think your bed would be the thing they'd go for, unless you're eatin' meals there, gettin' crumbs in it."  Not that he was a mice expert.  It sounded plausibly reassuring, though.

"Doesn't matter -- it's in my head that the creepy little things... _might_ , you know?  And... what if the whole roof caves in or something?  I don't feel _safe_."  She looked at him, like... well, he didn't know what, exactly, but he got the sense she was appealing to his machismo.  He could just imagine Ellie standing next to him, glaring daggers at the woman.

Since Alex hadn't told her anything, Joel wasn't going to offer to go outside the normal Jackson protocol, at least not for things more complex than adjusting a door handle or replacing a washer in a faucet.  Joel wasn't part of the handyman or maintenance crew, per se, but those were the sorts of things he didn't mind helping out with off the record, especially since Alex had made it clear that he preferred for him to do it.  This, however, was a legit construction job type thing.  "Did you put in a ticket?" he asked, and the invisible Ellie beside him nodded her approval at his 'strictly business' manner.  

Sophie hesitated a little.  "Yes."

"All right then, I'm on my way over there now.  I'll see what I can do."

"Um... I _think_ I did.  I'm not sure.  You know me... ditzy blonde sometimes."  She laughed, and -- no surprise -- it was a laugh that Ellie hated.  She thought it was fake, or overly girly, or something.  The daggers in her eyes would have been flying out of her eyeballs toward the poor woman by now, just for laughing.  "If I didn't actually put one in, I'll do it right now if you bring me a blank one?" she asked beguilingly.

"S'alright.  Let me see what's goin' on, an' I'll let you know when I come pick this up."

"Oh, thaaaaank you!" she gushed, as if he'd already told her he'd fix it.  "You're a lifesaver, Joel.  I really appreciate it."

She actually put her hand on his, and now invisible Ellie was dispensing with the whole eye-dagger thing and pulling her real blade out.  Joel took a step back, letting the hand fall away, and cleared his throat.  "Where do you want this?"  He dumped the laundry where she indicated and got out of there as fast as he could, glad as hell that Ellie hadn't witnessed any of that.

_All right, so she's a little flirty.  So what?_   He never flirted back.  Never tried to touch her, never reacted the way a person who's interested would react when she touched _him_.  Ellie would have liked for him to say something to her along the lines of _"Don't touch me, you filthy whore"_ \-- or perhaps something even more colorful than that -- to get her to back off, but Joel wasn't inclined to be mean to Sophie.  He didn't _dislike_ her; she was a nice person, and she hadn't crossed any real boundaries.  The hand-touching thing _could_ have been merely an expression of gratitude.

_"Yeah, RIGHT!"_ invisible Ellie screamed at him.  Joel was itching to get home and spend time with the _real_ Ellie.  Real Ellie might get mad at him sometimes too, but unlike the invisible one, she was kissable, huggable, and Joel had missed the hell out of her for eight whole days.  He couldn't wait to hold her in his arms again... to be back in the bubble with her, safe from scrutiny, the world reduced to just the two of them... where all problems could be solved, and all questions answered, with nothing more than a kiss.


	2. True Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the 1994 movie of the same name.

The steady stream of milk hitting the pail created some sort of rhythm that Ellie found soothing.  _One, two, one, two_... milking the cows was a good way to wind down after a long day (although she was grateful she didn't also have to do the goats today).  Annie had just finished milking Bertha, and now she lounged on the ground beside Ellie's little milking stool – on the ‘safer’ side, by the cow’s head -- waiting for her to finish.  Ellie glanced at her.  "You don't have to wait for me.  You look beat."

"I'm okay," Annie said, leaning back on her hands.  "I wanted to talk to you.  Without all those people around."

"Okay... so talk."

"Well, I was thinking..." Annie had some kind of devilish gleam in her eye.

"Ohhhhh shit.  I know that look.  At least I _think_ that's what it looks like when it's on _my_ face....  I'm a bad influence on you!"  _One, two, one, two, one, two... please don't let this have something to do with Joel..._

"Ha!  Maybe you are.  Sooo... I know this came up before and we thought it was a bad idea, but... I dunno... maybe it's a better time now?"

"Better time for what?" Ellie asked warily.

"For... Mom to finally... for her and Joel, maybe..." Her awkwardness told Ellie what these words were leading up to.

Ellie groaned.  _This again!_   At least it was the lesser of two evils; she'd been afraid that her friend was going to call her out on being in love with Joel.  Annie had tried to bring it up before -- both subjects, actually -- but Ellie always found a way to either brush Annie off or steer things in another direction.  Doing so had at least bought her some time to come up with some logical arguments to defend her point on the Esther thing, because _"he's mine!"_ wasn't going to cut it. 

She turned to watch the milk zipping into the pail again.  "No.  No no no no.  Joel would drive her _crazy_ ," she said matter-of-factly.  "He's not a... a _people_ person, like your mom is.  They get along okay, sure, but it's not like... he's not good at relationships.  He told me that himself."  Not a lie -- he did actually say that to her!  Before.  When he was frantically conjuring up any excuse he could for them to not be together that way.  Kind of like what Ellie was doing now... except she knew she was fucking _right_ about this.  It was so frustrating not being able to just tell the truth.

"Who says it has to be a relationship?" Annie replied.  She had stretched out her legs in front of herself, rolling them back and forth a little to tap her toes together -- in rhythm with Ellie's milking, she noted.  _Nervous energy?_   Because she really did look tired… Ellie used to think it was weird how Annie would wear these long dresses -- pioneer dresses, she called them -- with mucky farm boots, but now she thought it would seem awfully out of character if she _didn't_.  "Maybe they could just hang out more," Annie pondered, "and... you know... he's attracted to her ~ she's attracted to him ~ one thing leads--"

"Wait -- who says he's attracted to her?" Ellie glanced at her friend’s face again and tried to gauge how serious she was about this... whether or not she had some good fucking _reason_ to want to fix them up now.  _'Good' isn't the right word... ugh, there's no such thing as a good reason for Joel to be with anyone but me!_

"Does that bother you?  Thinking he might be attracted to her?" Annie asked... in a fishing sort of way.  Like she suspected something.

_Be cool, Ellie_.  She'd talked her way out of similar spots with Annie before.  Well... not really.  Talking _around_ things obviously hadn't done any good.  She was going to have to talk _through_ them if she wanted to retire the subject forever.  "No, just... what makes you say that?  Did you catch him checking her out or something?"  She hoped that sounded casual enough... as if she wouldn't just die right there on the spot if Annie said yes.

Annie chuckled.  "Um, no... but think about it -- don't you think they'd be a good match?  They're almost always partners when they're on watch--"

"That doesn't mean anything!  And anyways, Joel told me he just likes how your mom doesn't try to talk his ear off all the time.  She leaves him alone.  That's what he likes -- being alone."  _Alone with ME, if I can help it..._

"Why do _you_ want him to be alone?" Annie pressed.

"What?  I don't!  Didn't you hear what I said?  _He_ likes being alone.  And he would hate it if he knew you were... trying to... whatever you're trying to do here."  Actually, Joel would probably be amused.  _Infuriatingly_ amused when he realized how angry it made her. 

"Uh-huh.  _He_ would hate it," Annie said knowingly.

Ellie stopped milking for a moment and glared at her.  "Yes.  He would.  It's a terrible idea."

"Why?  Just think -- if things go well, you and I could be sisters!"

_Uuuuggghhhh!_   Ellie had always wanted a sibling, but that was _so_ not the way she wanted to acquire one.  She had to nip this in the bud.  ...or, the thing that comes right after the bud, before full bloom; she'd kind of missed the bud phase by ignoring -- at times, even _avoiding_ \-- the hints for so long.  Even Joel would've addressed this before now.  But Ellie just... hated it So. Fucking. _Much_. 

She tried to appear calm.  _Speak slooowwwly,_ she reminded herself. "And if things go bad -- which they would, I promise you -- no more dinners together... maybe I couldn't even come work here anymore, if like... the sight of me is too much for her, or..." Ellie was grasping a little there.  She felt a blush start creeping up her neck when Annie laughed.

"Just admit that you don't want them together for your own reasons!" Annie urged her.

Ellie rolled her eyes to imply that that was just ridiculous.  "Pfff.  Think what you want.  _I'm_ just thinking about what's best for Joel – which would be best for your mom, too, because Joel can be a real dick when he's not happy, and he'd make her miserable, believe me."  Ellie wiped her hands on her pants.  "Well!  I think Abigail's all dried up now."  She stood up and reached for the pail, but Annie scrambled to stand up with her, and put her hand on her arm.

"Wait," Annie said, gently turning Ellie towards her before letting go of her arm.  "I know I've been... kinda teasing about it, and everything?  But... you do like him, don't you.  Will you please just tell me, and I'll stop torturing you?"

"You're not torturing me," she lied, setting the pail down and crossing her arms in front of her chest.  "Of course I like him!  He's like... I mean, not exactly a dad, but..." She hated to use the 'dad' defense, even though it was totally the most viable one.  _It was only a few months ago that I used to LIKE it when people thought he was my dad!_ she marveled.

"No, you like him in _that_ way," Annie insisted.  "In a... Leo sort of way."

In spite of her discomfort with the conversation, Ellie giggled a little.  'Leo' was the code name they'd used when Ellie confided that she was in love with someone and didn’t want to say who it was – so as not to jinx things, allegedly.  "Good old Leo."

Now Annie looked more sympathetic.  "Sorry, I didn't mean to... does it still hurt?  Thinking about him?"

As if Ellie might still be nursing that broken heart.  She definitely would have been, if Joel hadn't unbroken it a few days later.  "Does it look like it hurts?  I'm laughing, aren't I?"

"Yeah, but sometimes you sort of laugh through the pain..."

"I do?  I'm not doing that.  I'm good.  Really truly."

"Good.  I guess.  I mean, unless it doesn't hurt because you've moved on to..." Annie worried at her lip.  Apparently it wasn't easy for _her_ to talk about this shit, either.  "Ellie, if the biggest problem with Leo was him being a little older than you, well... if you have a thing for Joel... that's even..."

"I do not have _a thing_ for Joel," Ellie lied exasperatedly.  _No, wait, that's not a lie... it's not just some stupid little THING -- it's fucking LOVE!  Ha!_  She was becoming quite adept at using the truth in her lies... sometimes without even realizing it at first, like just then.  It was a technique that worked for Joel, and he was such a good liar that even she couldn't always tell when he was lying -- she who knew him better than anyone.  She crossed her arms over her chest and resumed the glaring (not that it had made Annie back off at all... _fuck!)_.  "You know I love him and want what's best for him.  Why the fuck does that have to get twisted into... like..."

"So... the idea is absolutely repulsive to you," Annie suggested tentatively.

"No..." Ellie knew she was supposed to reply to that with a very convincing yes.  _"Ewwww, that's so gross, how could you even THINK that I'd want to be with an old man?"_ and so forth.  She might have been able to pull it off, if she enhanced her performance by substituting someone else for Joel in her mind.  Someone easy to find repulsive -- like that dickweed friend of Joel's, Bill.  _Yuck!_  ...but she couldn't do that to Joel.  Even though he would probably want her to, in this situation, she still couldn't.  "Not repulsive.  That's mean," she said lamely.

Annie's eyes widened; she seemed abashed now.  "Oh!  I didn't mean it that way!  Nothing personal--"

"How is that not personal?" _At least SHE'S on the defensive now..._

"It's only because he's so old.  That's all."

"That's still personal.  That's, like... part of who he _is_." Ellie often thought that she was supposed to wish that Joel were younger... but she really didn't.  The only thing she didn't like about his age was how much closer it brought him to death, if it were to come to that.  She couldn't remember ever knowing a person who had died of old age, but Joel definitely would.  He'd live to be like a hundred and fifty.  Unless she found a way to turn them both into vampires, or some other immortal creature (and she'd also have to convince Joel of that first, because that thought creeped him out).

Annie was quiet a moment.  "Okay, look.  Maybe I've got the wrong idea.  But there's something about you and Joel... I just thought maybe you were kind of... latching on to him, after... like a rebound thing?"

"Rebound?" Ellie asked dumbly before she remembered that supposedly, she’d been in love with someone else only like a month ago.

"Yeah... you know.  From Leo?  Rebound is like when--"

"Oh.  Right.  Yeah, I know what it means.  About that..."  A crazy idea popped into her head:  _just tell the truth_... or, at least shades of it.  And Joel didn't need to know... once she explained, Annie would keep her secret.  She was a good friend.  And it would shut her the fuck up about what a great couple Joel and Esther would be!  _I better just do it before I think about it too much and talk myself out of it!_   She took a deep breath first.  "Annie... Joel _is_ Leo."

Annie furrowed her brow -- but her jaw did not drop, Ellie was pleased to note.  "Joel is... what?  No!  I think I heard you wrong.  Did you just say..."

"Yep."  Ellie waited for it to register... waited for the shock, the 'what-the-fuck' expression... maybe disgust?  Annie _had_ made that 'repulsive' comment.  And Joel had said that people would be revolted by the very idea of them.  _Is Annie 'people'?_ Ellie wondered.

"But... I thought..." If anything, Annie looked confused.  "That didn't work out.  Leo was a jerk... right?  A jerk who didn't appreciate you?"

"Well... it just took him a little while to... um..." Ellie suddenly felt a little uncertain about her hasty decision to spill their dirty little secret, even if it was just to Annie.  Joel would be furious if he did somehow find out.  She grabbed her friend's arm for a moment, for emphasis. "Annie, you _cannot_ tell anyone about this.  I wasn't supposed to tell you.  Promise you won't say a word!"

"Sure..." The look on Annie's face shifted from confusion to... _pity_ , of all things.  "Actually, it makes sense now.  You and Joel had a fight -- and you started feeling better about the whole Leo thing when you two made up.  And... wow, no wonder you didn't want me to help you get rid of Joel when I saw him coming to your house that night!"

Ellie smiled, remembering.  Annie had been helping her cook a nice dinner for Leo, and when she'd left, she'd crossed paths with Joel coming home 'unexpectedly.'  She'd freaked out on Ellie's behalf, thinking that Joel was going to ruin everything.  Then Ellie had freaked out too, trying to get rid of Annie in time; she'd had a hard time convincing Annie that she didn't need her to help out by diverting Joel.  It _had_ messed things up, a little, but Ellie had recovered.  "Yeah... and in the end, I didn't even have to tell you how I _got rid of Joel_ , because I couldn't stand talking about it after Leo broke my heart and all.  I didn't lie about that -- Joel wanted nothing to do with me, that way."

To Ellie's surprise, Annie gave her a hug.  "Ellie, I'm so sorry."

Ellie hugged her back, chuckling.  _Did she forget that part about us making up a few days later?  She just fucking mentioned it, even!_ "Ancient history, and it wasn't your fault."

Annie pulled back and studied her face.  "But... you're not... you _do_ still have feelings for him, right?"

"Well, yeah.  Of course."

Annie sighed.  "That must be so hard.  Remember how I had a little crush on that guy who used to come work on the farm?  It was sort of painful, seeing him every day.  And you _live_ with Joel."

Ellie didn't remember that first-hand because it had happened years ago, but Annie had mentioned the guy to her.  Nothing had ever happened between them, and Annie had gotten over it when the guy left town.  That was a weird comparison for her to make now... _what the fuck?_  Ellie eyed her strangely.  "Yeah.  I live with him.  So what?"

"So how do you stand it?"  Then Annie gasped with sudden inspiration.  "Maybe you can keep staying with us!  That would help, right?"

"Help _what?_   What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Well, how are you ever going to get over him if he's right there under your nose all the time?  Think about it."

"What?  Why would I..." Ellie let that question trail off as it dawned on her that Annie's train of thought was on the wrong track.  _I didn't explain what happened after that disastrous night -- she thinks it's completely one-sided!_

Annie didn't seem to notice that Ellie was weirdly clueless to her logic -- logic that was perfectly sound in the realm of unrequited love.  "How did I not see it before?" Her friend shook her head, like she was marveling at her own obliviousness.  "God.  I thought it was a more recent thing maybe, that you started to... but all the way back to _Leo_ time?"

Ellie hesitated.  _Should I just let her think that?_   The decision to confess all had been impulsive, and probably reckless, and... she'd promised Joel that she wouldn't.  But she'd never promised anything regarding simply sharing her _own_ feelings... Joel couldn't be upset with her for that!  It was perfect!  "Yep, that's how pathetic I am," she said with a shrug and a chuckle.

"No!  I didn't mean--"

"Yes you did.  It's true.  You saw us in the fields today, right?  How I kissed him and he like... got all uncomfortable?  Guess I was a little too excited to see him."  Ellie had to give herself a mental pat on the back for damage control with that one, even though it came at her own expense.

"Oh, Ellie..."

"Oh my God -- do _not_ feel sorry for me.  I'm fine!  I'm _happy._ "  And she might as well get something out of the situation for herself, if she had to play the fool here.  "But yeah, I'd really fucking appreciate it if you didn't try to set him up with your mom, okay?" She kept her tone light and teasing, instinctively wanting to conceal the venom behind the words, for some reason.

"Of course!"  Annie smirked a little.  "Actually, to tell you the truth, I wasn't even serious about that.  Mom's never said anything about liking Joel... like that... and she really doesn't want a boyfriend or anything.  I was just trying to get you to admit you liked him."

Ellie gasped and gave her a playful little shove.  "You little shit!  I knew it!  I _knew_ there was something funny about the way you were asking me that crap.  Like, this whole week."

"Sorry!" Annie said, looking a little sheepish now.  "I just didn't want to come right out and _ask_ you... not until I was sure, you know?  In case I was wrong.  That's such a... well, not something you'd want to assume, or..."

"I get it," she cut her friend off before she could say anything else that might offend Ellie on Joel's behalf.  She suddenly wondered why she was standing around talking to Annie when the sooner she finished her chores, the sooner she could get home to Joel.  She grabbed the milk pail again.  "Let's go already!  Subject closed.  You're not going to tell anyone, right?"

"Of course not.  I promise.  And hey, if you ever need to talk about it or anything..." Annie was actually a total sweetheart, under the scheming and smirking.

"Okay, thanks."  Ellie thought she might just take her up on that offer, if she could be careful about what she confided... to make sure any reference to Joel's affections came across as fatherly only.  _Which is almost true, really_ , Ellie snorted to herself.  It wasn't like they'd done anything sexual.  She _was_ kind of longing to gush about Joel with someone who would care to hear it.  And Annie hadn't seemed grossed out by Ellie's 'crush' at all.  Maybe because she'd had a crush on someone older herself, and thought she could relate (though Ellie knew that nobody in the whole universe could truly understand the depth of her feelings for Joel!). 

Maybe Joel was wrong about how people would react.  Maybe there was no reason to keep their relationship a secret!

 

* * *

 

Ellie never used to bother showering at Annie's, and she didn't always bother now, but today, she wanted to be as appealing as possible when Joel greeted her.  She'd changed into her regular, non-farmy clothes, and left her hair loose around her shoulders, the way he liked it.  It was still damp from the shower, so not all soft and touchable yet, but Ellie had only ever bothered to blow-dry her hair that one night, for Leo-Joel – and actually, Annie had done it for her then.  How ridiculously indulgent was it to waste time blowing hot air on your head?

Joel was waiting for her when she got home.  He must have heard her approaching the door, because she'd barely started opening it when she felt herself being yanked inside, heard the door slamming behind her, and found herself being whirled around in an exuberant embrace that made her squeal with delight.

And then he kissed her -- all awkwardness gone, now that they were alone -- and it was her head that went spinning.  He was being so passionate!  "I guess you missed me a little," she murmured against his lips as he set her down.

"Mmhmm," he affirmed, kissing her again.  She kissed him back eagerly, deeply... with an urgency not usually present in their embraces.  Their kisses tended to be slow, sweet... fairly innocent, because that was what Joel was most comfortable with.  But it had been forever since they'd shared a kiss!  His hands roved all over her... grazing her ass, but only briefly, and possibly accidentally.  Even through clothing, Joel felt a little gun-shy about touching her in certain places.  Even though she always made it clear she wanted him to.  As for her touching him?  He made it just as clear that he _didn't_ want her to.  At least not with her hands; if it could sort of pass for a hug, it was allowed -- so she pressed herself firmly against him, happy to feel the stirring in his pants.  By now, she knew better than to assume he'd want to do anything about that; they'd discussed it at length (...pun intended?).  But she very much liked having that effect on him.  It reminded her that his _body_ wanted her, even if his brain wasn't quite there yet.

He was the one who ended the kissing session... like pretty much always.  But she kept her arms around his neck, enjoying having him so near at last.  She beamed up at him.  "I missed you, too.  Let's not ever be apart for that long again, 'kay?"

He squeezed her.  "I'm sorry, baby girl.  I'll do my best."

_He knows better than to promise._   But he was here now, and she had to live in the moment.  She sighed contentedly.  "Let's just stay like this forever."

He chuckled.  "You always say that, an' we always have to move before too long."

As if on cue, a sizzling sort of sound made both of them turn their heads toward the kitchen; a pot was boiling over.  Ellie extracted herself from his arms to scurry into the kitchen and take the lid off.

"See?  You're runnin' away from me already," Joel teased.

"Am not!" Ellie protested, tossing him a grin over her shoulder.  The pot only had water in it so far.  She surveyed the dinner ingredients on the counter.  "Oooo is that spaghetti?  _Real_ spaghetti?  Meatballs, too?"

Joel came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck.  "Yep.  But scooch -- I told you I'd cook you dinner, so you jus' go relax for a bit."

"Um... can't do that.  Nope.  I'd be too far away from you." Ellie smirked to herself a little when she realized Joel was leaning forward a bit, so as not to press his crotch against her.  Like maybe she hadn’t _noticed_ before?  He was so funny about that.  It was kind of adorable, really.

"Well, I can't very well cook with you right in front of me..." He kissed her neck, sending shivers racing through her by some kind of magic (a power that, Ellie was convinced, was unique to Joel).

"Okay."  She slipped out of his arms and pivoted quickly to stand behind him and hug him from that angle, giggling a little.  "Is that better?" she said, her voice muffled as she pressed her face into his shirt.

"It'll do."  And he did manage to do some of the meal preparations that way, Ellie sort of just hanging on him when he had to move to the sink or the counter... until he eventually hoisted her up onto the counter, where she tried to trap him with any and all of her limbs within reach of him any time he came near her.  It was a fun little game; Joel really was more playful than his age or demeanor would suggest.  He only stayed trapped for as long as he wanted to be, of course.  But she got some decent kisses out of each encounter.

Somehow, dinner managed to make its way onto the table.  Ellie did enjoy the lively dinners over at Tommy and Maria's (sometimes referred to as 'the house'), but now that she and Joel were... whatever they were, she preferred the intimacy of eating at home, just the two of them.  Joel said they should mix it up some -- to keep up appearances, if nothing else -- so they still ate dinner elsewhere often enough.  Ellie knew Joel liked being home alone with her too, but that he (stupidly) felt guilty about it -- as if he were taking Ellie away from other people she 'should' be with besides him. 

It was a recurring argument they had.  Even now, at this reunion dinner -- he felt guilty that she was giving up her plans for that night due to his sudden appearance... never mind the fact that she could spend a million other nights in Annie's room, listening to records, trying to figure out how to play some of the songs on the guitar.  Joel had surprised her with the guitar only a couple weeks ago, so she hadn't had very many lessons yet... and progress was slow when the lessons kept morphing into make-out sessions.  She'd been practicing a lot since taking the guitar down to the farm, where she suffered no such distraction, but she lacked Joel's instruction there.  She wanted to write him a song for his birthday, but that was coming up next month already, and how could she think about _writing_ songs when she couldn't even play worth shit?  She'd taken a liking to a certain Simon and Garfunkel song she'd heard at Annie's, and its structure was simple and repetitive enough that she was sure she could figure it out and master it... but it was kind of sad, and not at all romantic, so she wasn't sure it would be appropriate.  Joel considered his birthday a sad affair anyway, and in fact, didn't even want to celebrate it, so maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world...

Anyway, she could certainly live without playing guitar that night, and she and Joel had so much catching up to do that it made more sense for them to stay home.  Esther was cooking up a huge dinner for all the extra field help, so they wouldn't even miss Ellie down on the farm, and both Tommy and Maria were still at the sister farm that Joel had just left.  Ellie asked Joel all about that, and she filled him in on the happenings in her life for the past week -- nothing major, but Joel liked hearing about the stupid shit too, not just the big stuff (of course, she conveniently omitted that afternoon's conversation with Annie in her run-down of events).  If there were a way for her to convey every thought she'd had in the past eight days, she suspected he'd be all over it.  No one had ever been so interested in her life before.  It was just one of the many reasons Joel was so amazing. 

After dinner was eaten and the dishes were done (in a joint effort), Ellie tugged Joel over to the couch and made him sit so she could plop herself in his lap.  He liked it when she 'pushed him around,' as he put it.  They exchanged a few more kisses, and then a few more... until Ellie finally worked up the nerve to ask the dreaded question hanging over their heads.  "So... how long are you here?  Were there lots of tickets?  I hope?!"

Joel sighed a little and kissed her forehead.  "Only one that warrants stayin' another day."

Ellie groaned.  "Well, you better just take your sweet time doing that job, then.  Can't you drag it out for a couple days, at least?"

"I don' really think that's... a good idea."

Something about the way he said it struck Ellie as... worrisome.  Or odd, at the least.  She leaned back a little to study his expression.  _Typical Joel:  mostly unreadable._   "Why not?"

"'Cause they're expectin' me back.  There's still a lot of shit to do."

That was probably true.  Joel did take pride in his work ethic.  "What's the job?"

"Patchin' up an attic," he replied -- casually, and yet... was there something _off_ about that, too?

"Oh."  She hoped it wasn't something more dangerous than he let on.  What could possibly be that dangerous about it?  ... _What else wouldn't he want me to know?_   "Whose attic?"

"No one's," he answered quickly.  Then, like he'd just thought of a better answer, he added, "I mean no one you really know.  It don' matter."

Ellie narrowed her eyes suspiciously.  "Then why can't you just tell me?  I probably know them.  I know more people in town than you do."

"Ellie, like I said, it don' matter.  You wanna talk about some boring job or you wanna kiss me?" he teased.

She kissed him, but only for like two seconds.  "Uh-uh.  That won't work on me, Joel.  Why don't you want to tell me who it is?  You know if you don't tell me it's gonna drive me crazy, and I'll like... have to follow you or something to find out," she threatened.

Joel sighed.  "Don' do that.  It's Sophie, all right?"

_I should have known!_  She swatted his chest.  "That fucking skank!  She just wants to get you in her house!  Don't fall for it.  There's nothing wrong with her attic."

"No?"  Joel chuckled.  "In that case, I should jus' head back out of town in the mornin', hmm?"

"Uuuggghhh.  No."  She liked the way his arms felt around her... the way one arm held her and the other hand rubbed her arm, as she was sitting sideways over his lap.  She'd missed just little things like that -- and she didn't want to start missing them again so soon.  "What’s so urgent about it?  Can't you do some other job?  Wasn't there anything else?"

"She says there's mice up there an' she can't sleep, thinkin' they'll come get her or somethin'.  Her attic hatch is shoddy... it's got a big enough hole in it they can--"

"So she can just make a mouse trap -- like Tommy showed us at the last meeting!"  That's what had probably given the slut the idea to invent some mice for Joel to save her from in the first place.  "I'll bring her the stuff myself!"

Joel snorted.  "The thing with the ramp an' the bucket?  Sure, it might catch some, but they could jus' stroll right on by it.  It's in her head that they can jus' come--"

"Can't the princess go sleep somewhere else then?  Like in some guy's bed?"  She was pretty sure there were plenty of men in town who wouldn't mind.

That made him laugh.  "You really think she'd--"

"Whatever!  Isn't there anything else?  Some other job you can do?" she pleaded again.  It seemed that the topic of Sophie annoyed her so much she couldn't even let Joel answer her questions without interrupting him.

"Nothin' all that dire.  Grounds crew thinks there's a short in the fence on the--"

"Well, _that's_ important, isn't it?"  Ellie interjected excitedly.  "More important than fucking mice!  If the electric fence doesn't zap people... or Infected, or whoever..."

"It's only one section, an' that fence is only secondary protection anyhow."

"Fiiiiiine," she said dramatically, "if you can live with the guilt when we get attacked because you'd rather go dick around in a skank's attic..."

Joel tweaked her nose.  "If that happens, you can blame me all you want.  I'd sooner blame the guards.  No one's even attacked the dam in months, an' the town is even less of a--"

"Okay, okay -- but _she_ might be lying, and the fence person prob'ly isn't."

"She ain't... Look.  If she's lyin', then I won' be there very long, all right?  Nothin' you need to worry yourself over."

"Maybe she's not lying, but she sabotaged the place herself," Ellie suggested meanly.

"What, like she took a sledgehammer up there an'...?"

"Yeah!  I wouldn't put it past her."

"I think you're really overestimatin' her.  Why would she go to all that trouble jus' to--"

"Because she likes you!  Jesus, Joel -- how can you suck so bad at knowing when a person likes you?"  He really did.  Ellie had ended up having to straight up _tell_ him she was in love with him before the possibility would even enter his brain, even though she'd made it painstakingly obvious.

Joel kissed her nose -- a step up from tweaking it, at least.  "You're pretty cute when you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous!"  A lie, of course, but she didn't want Joel to know that; she didn't even know why she felt that way.  She knew Joel didn't love that slut, so...

"Yes you are," he said with amusement.  "You're a little green-eyed monster."

"But I'm not even jealous!  And how would that make me a monster?"

"That's what jealousy is."

"A monster?"

"With green eyes, specifically."

"You made that up."

Joel chuckled.  "Ask anyone.  Anyone old enough."

Ellie _had_ heard the phrase 'green with envy' before.  _What's so jealousy-like about the color green?_ "Well, I'm not jealous, anyway."  She could out-stubborn Joel when she wanted to.

"Fine.  You ain't jealous.  What do you think is gonna happen?  Maybe she won't even be home."

"Pfff.  Yeah, right.  She'll be home.  Wait... does she know you're coming?  Did you go see her?"  Ellie didn't even wait for Joel to answer that, because she could tell by the way he paused before answering that that was a yes.  "You did.  Yeah, she'll be home.  She won't even have to switch her schedule around; she's off tomorrow."

Joel shook his head in wonder.  "I don' know how you keep everyone's schedules straight.  I can't even hardly remember everyone's names an' where they work, let alone _when_ they work."

In truth, Ellie didn't know _everyone_ 's schedules; she just made it a point to know the laundry skanks', so that, if possible, she and Joel could go there when the other one, Kathy, was working.  She was a skank, too, but kind of frumpy and plain... and although she was actually more of an over-the-top flirt than Sophie, there was something different, something less threatening, about it... like it was hard to take her seriously or something.  The funny thing was that Kathy's son, Lucas, had the temperament of… like an anti-skank.  Ellie had once tried to flirt with him to make Joel jealous, and that had totally bombed.  Ellie sucked at flirting, sure, but the guy had given her like _nothing_ to work with.

Now she felt herself blushing for some reason... _because Joel doesn't know it's just HER schedule I bother to check?_   She tried to will her stupid face to cut it out.  "When did you see her?"

"I had some laundry to drop off."

"You could've waited for me to get home!"

"I could have, but why would I wanna waste our time together doin' that, hmm?  Much rather be doin' this..."

Ellie let him kiss her, but only briefly.  She wasn't done being annoyed about this whole thing.  "Maybe I should come with you.  Then she can't try anything."

"She can try whatever she wants -- it don' mean it'll ever work.  You have to trust me, kiddo."

"I do!  It's _her_ I don't trust."

"I ain't interested in her."

"I know!"  _...but please keep telling me shit like that until I feel better!_

"So, then you know that whatever she may try, it don' matter," he said in an almost sing-song sort of way.  Like he was pointing out the obvious, though not unkindly.

"I don't want her even _trying_ in the first place.  Can't you just tell her you're gay or something?"

Joel snorted.  "Let that rumor go 'round town, no one'll ever think you'n'me are together.  Not a bad idea."

Ellie couldn't tell if he was joking or not.  Seemed like he was.  "Whatever.  Just don't let her touch you, or--"

"She ain't gonna touch me."

"She might!  Don't let her."  Ellie had seen her in action, and the bitch must have read an article similar to the one Ellie had read back when she was trying to find a way to tell Joel her feelings had changed... an article about how to make a guy notice you like him -- finding excuses to touch him was one of the tactics mentioned.  Especially on the arm.  The arm must possess some magical properties she was unaware of, because more than one source referred to it specifically.

"The only girl I want touchin' me is you," he said softly, turning her a little, pulling her closer to him so he could kiss her ear, her neck...

_No fair!_  It was cheating to distract her like that -- and he did it all the time.  He had one hand tangled in her hair (which had finally dried), the other rubbing circles on her back.  It felt pretty fucking good, but she didn't want to be disarmed right now.

It was hard to focus on his words when he was like this... to try to ignore the pleasurable tingliness his ministrations produced, at least long enough so she could respond.  _The only GIRL,_ he'd said... Sophie was a _woman_.  She had certain advantages over Ellie.  "You don't even let _me_ touch you," she blurted out.

It was the wrong thing to say.  Joel sighed, and flopped back against the couch, his arms falling to his sides.  "You're touchin' me right now.  Physical contact.  That's all I meant, an' you know it.  Do you really wanna get into this again right now?"

"No," she said quickly.  She pulled one of his arms around her to make him hold her again as she snuggled up to him, hiding her face in his neck.  "I'm sorry.  I'm sorry, Joel, don't be mad." _Please don't be mad please don't be mad please don't be mad..._

"I ain't mad.  Just... be patient with me, all right?  When the time is right, we'll do all that stuff."

He didn't sound mad, or even annoyed.  _Whew!_   "You promise?"  He'd promised before, but she liked to keep making him renew it.

"I promise."

She believed him, and she felt a little better about things.  She didn't _really_ think he would let that cunt sink her claws into him just because he wasn't having sex with Ellie.  And it was exciting, having things to look forward to.  Things that involved getting naked together.  _I can wait for him, however long it takes, because I know he'll totally be worth the wait._

And she wasn't going to say any other stupid shit the rest of the night.  Even if she had to keep her fucking mouth shut all night long.  _Wait, I don't wanna do that either... hehe!_  Kisses only.  No talking... at least nothing that might make Joel mad at her.  She would be the sweet perfect little Ellie that he loved.


	3. Skanksville

When Ellie woke up, she forgot for a moment that she wasn't at Annie's house.  She was in her own bed -- and _Joel_ was with her -- and she wasn't dreaming!  She enjoyed that for a few moments of bliss before remembering that he was only here one more day, and he would soon be paying a visit to Skanksville.  She switched off the alarm, since she'd woken up without need of it, then snuggled up to Joel's back.  Much of the time when she woke up before him, he had his back to her like that.  She'd asked him before if he slept like that on purpose, because whenever she fell asleep, he had his arms around her... and he said no, that it just happened that way.  He liked sleeping on his side and it was natural that they'd roll away from each other during the night.  Just like they always had.

Ellie wasn't sure she believed him.  One time, she'd pretended to get some bug up her ass about wanting to sleep on the other side of him, just to 'see what it was like' -- and when she woke up in the morning, he was sleeping on his other side, so his back was still toward her.  It was enough to give a girl a complex, really. 

But she had to try not to let shit like that bother her.  To remind herself that it was better than the alternative:  Joel sleeping on the couch, instead of just _pretending_ that's where he slept, should anyone ever inquire about their sleeping arrangements.  She knew he wasn't entirely comfortable sharing the bed with her.  For a while, he was only sleeping there because she'd bullied him into it.  When it had occurred to her that she was being a dick about it, and said as much to him, she thought he'd be proud of her maturity, her consideration for his feelings... nope!  Instead, he'd _laughed_ at her, and thought she was adorable.  That seemed to happen a lot... she'd be dead serious about something, and it would amuse him.  She never got the sense that he was being mean about it, though.  Like... he wasn't really making fun of her.  She made him laugh, and that was a good thing, even if she did it unintentionally.  Probably the only other person in town who could do that -- to make him _really_ laugh, not just chuckle or snort or something -- was Clicker (her friend... not the Infected!).  She didn't mind sharing that honor with the boy; apparently her jealousy only flared up when another female was involved.

More than once, she'd thought about sneaking a hand over Joel's crotch while he slept.  Just to see what would happen.  Not beneath his underwear, so still pretty innocent-like.  She was too chickenshit to do it, though.  She wanted to prove to Joel that she was ready to go further than kissing... but _he_ wasn't ready.  They'd done a little bit of 'petting,' as Joel called it, with their clothes on, but nothing Ellie could truly classify as sexual, and Joel couldn't tolerate her touching him for long.  He was so obviously not cool with it that Ellie felt bad, like she was forcing herself on him.  He would sit there all rigid, holding his breath, closing his eyes, and it was just so let's-get-this-over-with that Ellie couldn't stand it, either.  She'd tried kissing him while placing her hand there, and that was marginally better, but he still couldn't relax.  He said it made him feel like a dirty old man, coercing a young girl to touch him -- and Ellie's constant insistence that it was _her choice_ fell on deaf ears.

The dirty-old-man thing applied to him touching her, too, but she always let him know, in one way or another, how nice it felt, and that seemed to make the difference (although trying to act like groping _him_ would also make her feel good only managed to piss him off -- never mind that it was fucking _true!_ -just in a different way).  And she'd made the mistake of reminding him that he'd already felt her up, so they might as well at least do _that_ much again... oh man, was that ever the wrong thing to say!  Joel had felt so guilty about that when it happened, even though it was a fucking accident (on _his_ end, anyway...), and he still felt bad about it now, no matter how many times Ellie told him it hadn't messed her up or whatever the fuck he thought -- and now that they weren't trying to be father and daughter anymore, she could even admit that she'd _liked_ it. 

She just couldn't admit that she had practically (not completely!) engineered the whole thing, even if it might help her yes-I'm-ready! case.  He felt so guilty about it that she felt guilty for _letting_ him feel guilty.  All she could do was encourage him, and keep trying to remind him that she wasn't a little girl, and he wasn't actually the dirty old man he imagined himself to be, corrupting her and stealing her innocence.  She liked that he felt protective of her that way, it was just... a little too conservative, for boyfriend/girlfriend.  She _wanted_ her alleged innocence to be stolen by him, for fuck's sake.  And after all the shit she'd done since meeting Joel... fuck, she'd _killed_ people -- how could Joel be so concerned that acts of _love_ would fuck her up?

Presently, she wondered what that slut was planning to do to Joel.  It was beyond frustrating that Ellie couldn't just march right up to the bitch and tell her not to even think about messing around with her guy.  Because Ellie couldn't claim him as hers.  Not in _that_ way.  She'd told Joel she was just fine keeping the true nature of their relationship a secret -- again, it was better than the alternative! -- but at the time, she didn't know it would be so fucking hard to do.

Ellie was due at the farm soon, and she wanted to make Joel breakfast in bed first.  She decided that he wouldn't mind being woken up for that.  Nothing special, just some scrambled eggs, plain toast, and orange juice that she hadn't even squeezed herself.  He was starting to wake up when she brought the tray in (Joel had made it for them out of wood scraps), and he sniffed the air appreciatively.  "Mornin', beautiful," he mumbled, sitting up and stretching his arms over his head.  He'd started greeting her that way because it was from some country song he liked.  Ellie loved it, naturally, even though she knew she wasn't beautiful, especially first thing in the morning.  Sometimes she would ask him to sing it to her.

"Good morning!" she chirped as she climbed back into bed next to him, careful not to upset the tray.  She kissed his cheek.  "Sleep well?"

"Best I've slept all week," he answered.  "An' now this?  What did I do to deserve this?" 

Ellie grinned.  "Totally selfish of me -- I just want you to miss me even more when you wake up all alone over there."

"You didn' have to.  I would've missed you anyhow."

Ellie dug into her eggs and tried to shove aside a twinge of guilt.  Her true motivation was to send Joel off with a nice full stomach -- and a head full of pleasant thoughts of Ellie.  All the more armor she could provide him with to fend off the skank, who was probably planning on feeding Joel herself.  If she was smart, anyway.  Ellie liked to think of her as dumb, but she got the sense that she wasn't, really.  Not when it came to seducing men.  Joel seemed to like her, and since Ellie couldn't find any good reason for that, Sophie had clearly already worked _some_ kind of skank magic on him.

Seduction was an art Ellie still had much to learn about.  Anything she'd learned recently, such as 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach,' Miss Skankypants already knew -- and had been putting into practice for years.  Also, sharing a meal or two would surely prolong the job, thus giving her more opportunities to work on Joel.  _MY Joel.  It's MY job to seduce him.  ...someday.  When I figure out how to do it, and how to do it without one or both of us LAUGHING -- and when he doesn't freak out so much about every little thing._

Yeah... it would probably be a while.

It wouldn't occur to Joel that Ellie had an ulterior motive beyond just wanting him to miss her in the future.  Men were blind to these things.  She'd already had that sense about Joel, that he failed to understand the workings of the female mind... like the huge fight they'd had, right before their relationship had turned romantic.  If he had realized some things that Ellie couldn't voice but that she thought he'd understood, that whole thing might have been avoided.  Granted, she could have helped matters by simply being open and honest... but of course, it had all worked out in the end.  And maybe if things hadn't gone down the way they had... her leaving town with Max, and Joel chasing after them... Joel nearly dying after fighting off about a million Infected... maybe he never would have kissed her, and they wouldn't be where they are today.  So she couldn't honestly say she regretted anything.

Now that she was, for lack of a better term, a _girlfriend_ , she felt like she was seeing other women in a new light.  A light that didn't shine bright enough for Joel's eyes to register it in his oblivious... maleness.  If there was any truth to the shitloads of books and movies that Joel liked to dismiss as 'just fiction,' women were now The Enemy.  The single ones, mainly, but even some of the married ones.  Joel might know how to defeat every kind of Infected, along with hunters, bandits, soldiers, Fireflies, other survivors... but Ellie was certain he didn't know shit about _this_ type of enemy.  It was up to her to protect him.  To protect their relationship.

When it came time to kiss him goodbye, Ellie realized there was no way she could just trot off to work while Joel and his innocent, unsuspecting male brain strolled into the whorehouse, unprepared and unarmed (well... inadequately armed? how much difference would breakfast make, _really?_ ).  It would _kill_ her to wonder what he was doing all day.  So she'd casually extracted an estimated time of arrival at Skanksville from him before she left, making it seem like she was only trying to determine when he'd be back home... and then just as casually gone to the library and helped herself to the blueprint of the town that had everyone's names penciled in on the houses -- a perk of her 'employment' there, if it could even be considered a job (she had a project she worked on at her own pace, and she read stories to the little kids sometimes).  The library also served as Jackson's social hub, where people enjoyed movies, music, board games, or just hanging out in a comfortable space. 

Paige, the head librarian type person, was surprised to see her there so early, and even more surprised that she wanted to look at town records, but Ellie fed her some vague lie about something the farm needed, and that was that.  She memorized the route to the desired house, then headed for the farm to help with morning chores -- a wee bit late, but with Joel in town for such a short time, she figured they'd cut her some slack there (and she was right).

She still had plenty of time to do her morning chores before Joel planned on going to the skank's house.  It was the rest of the day she had to worry about... but she had a plan.  Later that morning, she went to the building that served as a school for the younger kids, and burst right into one of the classrooms, mid-lesson.

"Sorry," she said to the teacher distractedly as she searched the room for one kid in particular -- not a student, but a tutor.  "Clicker!  I need to talk to you for a sec."  She motioned for him to join her out in the hall.  The teacher seemed annoyed at the intrusion, but Ellie didn't care.  The so-called school was a far cry from the rigid military school she had come from.

The boy happily left the room with her.  'Clicker' was the nickname Ellie had bestowed on him, but it wasn't so different from his real name -- his kooky parents (his deceased biological parents, not his Jackson parents) had named him after the virus, for who knows what reason.  He was a good friend of Ellie's, and the only other kid besides Annie that she regularly spent time with.  He was boisterous and fun... and it seemed he had a huge crush on Ellie.  Unfortunately for him, he was only twelve -- and he wasn't Joel -- so the kid didn't stand a chance. 

"Where's the fire?" Clicker asked eagerly, no doubt hoping Ellie was about to recruit him for some fun adventure.

"I need a favor.  You're not tutoring the whole afternoon, right?  Or if you are, could you maybe do it some other time?  I sort of... can't do the harvesting today, and need someone to cover for me," she explained, watching his face fall as he listened to the nature of this 'adventure.' 

"Well, I've never done that before... ?"

"Pfff.  Doesn't matter!" Ellie said with a wave of her hand.  "I'd never done it before, either -- lots of people helping out haven't.  They'll show you how.  It's not hard."  _Hmm, actually... a little flattery couldn't hurt..._ "You're smart -- you'll get it in no time."

He blushed a little when she called him smart.  "I dunno, Ellie..."

"Please?  Joel's only in town for one day and then he's gone for like, forever, and I don't wanna leave them short-handed."  _But I will if I have to..._

Clicker crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes.  "So... if I do it, what do I get out of it?"

"Um... the pleasure of doing a good deed for a homie?" She knew Clicker liked all the homegirl/homeboy/homeslice lingo.  He felt that the term 'BFF' applied to girls only, whereas homies were _cool_.

Clicker smirked.  "Not good enough."

"Oh, come on, dude..." Ellie quickly tried to think of something she could offer in exchange.  "I'll abuse my library shift tomorrow to get you on your favorite computer, the one with the Jackson neighborhood.  Okay?"

That was a more enticing prize; there weren't that many computers that worked, and the ones that did were always in high demand (for games, music, and some other stuff Ellie had yet to explore).  She was referring to the Sims game which featured a neighborhood modeled after Jackson, where various players had created Sim-people to represent actual Jackson residents.  Ellie hadn't wanted to believe Joel when he pointed out the kid's crush on her (how could Joel pick up on _that_ , yet be so oblivious to girls liking _him?_ ), but... well, when she'd discovered that the Ellie Sim and the Clicker Sim were 'going steady' -- which was some archaic term for being boyfriend/girlfriend -- and she'd asked Clicker about it, he'd tried to make it sound like it was some friend of his playing a joke, but she could tell he was bullshitting.

Ellie couldn't create a relationship for the Ellie and Joel Sims in that neighborhood since they were father and daughter and the game wouldn't allow it, so she'd created new Sims on a different computer in a pre-made neighborhood that, as far as she could tell, no one else ever played.  She'd cleverly named them Melanie and Joey, and given Melanie black hair and Joey red hair, figuring that such simple tweaks were enough to disguise their true identities.  Supposedly, the game would allow a relationship between a teenager and adult if they weren't related, but Ellie couldn't get Joey to make a move, and every time Melanie tried to flirt with Joey or kiss him or something, he pushed her away -- not so different from reality, sadly.  Even the fucking _game_ didn't want them together!  Her solution was to just wait for Melanie to grow into an adult... but that wasn't an acceptable solution for real life.  By Joel's definition, she wouldn't be an adult for another two and a half _years_.  Way too fucking long!

Fortunately, Clicker liked her offer.  He grinned.  "Deal -- if you'll play it with me, at least like half the time?"

"Deal!" Ellie agreed, assuming he wouldn't play the Ellie/Clicker relationship while she was present.  At least, she hoped he wouldn't.  _Talk about awkward!_   "Okay, so just go find Esther -- she's at Farm 3 today -- when you're done here, and let her know you're filling in for me.  She knows Joel's back so she'll understand.  Thank you thank you _thank you_ , you're the best!"  She quickly hugged him and ran off before he could get all embarrassed about it.

_We made a deal, so I'm not actually taking shameless advantage of him_ , Ellie told herself as she headed home to change clothes and clean up a little.  If she was going to spy, she wasn't going to let any traces of farm stench possibly give herself away!  And if Joel was home, she was prepared to tell him that she'd come home on a break, hoping to see him.  She would've loved it if he was still there... but no, he'd left, probably around the time he'd mentioned.  The time Skank #1 was expecting him. 

Fifteen minutes later, she was skulking around her enemy's yard as if she were some paranoid stalker.  -Which she supposed she _was_... But, whatever -- not like Joel would ever know.  The house was bigger than her and Joel's, smaller than Tommy and Maria's.  Ellie knew the skank's brother lived there, too... or, used to.  He had supposedly left town on some mysterious Jackson business, but rumor had it that such business had nothing to do with him leaving at all -- a rumor reinforced by the fact that neither Tommy or Maria would admit to sending him out for any reason.

Whatever the case may be, Ellie wished he was there now to serve as an extra layer of protection between Joel and the bitch.  She carefully peered into every downstairs window -- and she could do this because most people didn't keep their curtains drawn all the time, the way she and Joel did now.  Some windows in this house didn't even have curtains at all.  As expected, she saw no one on the first floor.  There was no reason for the cunt to be with Joel up in the attic, but Ellie had a feeling she'd be up there... watching.  Or 'helping.'

She had to go inside to check the second floor.  Would she go that far?  
  
Of course she would.  It wasn’t like she even had to break in.  No one in Jackson locked their doors during the daytime (and most didn't actually have keys for their doors, so they also couldn't lock them from the outside, the way she and Joel could -- one of the reasons their little house was so awesome).  She entered the house as quietly as possible and crept upstairs, heart pounding at the risk of being discovered... perhaps by a creaky floorboard announcing her presence.  Suddenly it occurred to her that she should have brought some lunch; if she ran into someone in the hallway or something, she could then thrust forth a couple sandwiches and claim that that's why she'd come.  Joel would probably see through a move that obvious, but he wouldn't call her on it -- at least not there -- and Skanky wouldn't suspect anything.  _Too late now._  

But it wasn't a problem, as there was no one on the second floor.  Ellie didn't even have to look in all the rooms.  She found the entrance to the attic easily enough, since it was open... and the door flap did look pretty beat-up.  She hoped Joel wasn't planning on trying to fix that, too... unless maybe that meant he'd stay in town an extra day -- that wouldn't be so bad... _aarrgh, what to wish for?!_   Judging by the sounds, the hole to be patched wasn't close to the entrance.  She could hear Joel banging away up there...

_Hammering, not banging.  Do NOT think about banging_ , she commanded herself.

She also heard a very feminine voice, chattering merrily, though not loud enough that Ellie could make out what she was saying.  There was a rope ladder hanging there, beckoning Ellie to climb up and get close enough to hear everything... but she didn't quite dare.  The ladder's presence irritated her.  _Did she make you hold out your hand and pull her up at the top, Joel?  I just BET she did._

Ellie stood as close as she could without risk of being seen should one of them decide to walk back over to the entrance.  She heard Joel’s baritone voice from time to time, but couldn’t make out the actual words he was speaking, either.  There was also the occasional girlish peal of laughter that stabbed Ellie right in the stomach.  She didn’t hear Joel laughing, at least... but he must have thought it was cute.  Guys _liked_ it when girls laughed like that, didn’t they?  And why didn't he just tell Miss Skankypants to fuck off and let him work in peace?  
  
_At least I’m not hearing groping, slurping, moaning sounds?_ she tried to comfort herself.  But that little voice in her head was quick to retort, _What makes you think you could hear that if you can't even hear them talking all that well?  What does groping even SOUND like?_ Any time it got a little too quiet, she strained her ears a little more.  Joel was using some kind of power tool; hearing it -- and it was loud enough to drown out conversation -- was reassuring.  _He's working, that's all.  Working, and then coming home to ME._

Nothing of interest happened for a while, and Ellie was starting to feel more than a little foolish.  What was she accomplishing?  She couldn't protect Joel if she couldn't even let herself be seen... since shooting the whore would be a bit extreme.  The thought didn't make her feel horrified at herself for being such a bad person -- nope, the only thing she thought of was how pissed Joel would be if she did that.  _Beyond_ pissed.  Maybe he'd hate her.  She could just hear him: _"You ain't the person I thought you were, Ellie.  I thought you were GOOD.  I think it's best we go our separate ways now."_

So, if she wasn't protecting him... this was more like a recon mission.  Only... what was she really learning?  _Maybe I should just go... Joel loves me, he doesn't give a shit about the stupid skank, and if she likes him, that's HER problem... just like Clicker, with me..._

Someone was coming down from the attic!  Ellie should have heard them coming before they reached that hole -- she must have been daydreaming a little or something.  She froze momentarily to weigh her options; with the railing spanning the entire length of the hall, she realized she'd never make it down the hall and down the stairs unheard and unseen, so she ducked into the room she was closest to -- the master bedroom.  She even slithered under the bed... _because that’s how much of a creepy stalker I am_.  The bed was as big as hers and Joel's.  Bigger than required for just one person, but that shouldn't have surprised her.  She fit easily, as there was nothing else under there but dirt... she just had to keep her head turned to the side.  With her cheek to the wood floor, she was looking directly into the bathroom.  There was no... what were those ruffle things called... bed skirts?  Nothing to hinder her view.  It was kind of dusty and cramped and just... not comfortable.  _She could at least have shitty old carpet for me to lay on!  The things I do for love..._

It was Skanky who had come down.  She came into the bedroom... and into the master bathroom, right in front of Ellie.  In bare feet -- maybe that's why Ellie hadn't heard her approach until it was too late to bolt.  _Did she not put shoes on for a reason?  Like… feet are sexy or something?_   Ellie hadn't gotten a close enough look at the feet walking by her face to gauge their sexiness. _If there's mice up there, shouldn't she be concerned about stepping in their droppings?  Eww!_   Maybe showing off sexy feet trumped keeping them poop-free?  And of course, she could have fabricated the whole mouse story in the first place.

Ellie heard the shower turn on.  _Why the fuck is she showering while Joel's still here?!_ And with the bathroom door open, too.  _Is that like an invitation or something?_   Quite unbidden, an image of Joel and the whore lathering each other up in the shower popped into Ellie's head.  That was something she had yet to experience with him herself... and now her imagination was taking her to places she really didn’t want to be going.  She had to remind herself to stay calm.  _She's in there ALONE._   If Joel did go join her for some reason, Ellie could always just go kill the bitch... and then maybe Joel, afterwards... _especially if he's going to leave me anyway..._  
  
Ellie heard Joel come down from the attic, too, and she felt genuine fear for a moment -- but he went all the way down to the first floor.  _That's a good thing... right?_  Of course it was!  He wasn’t going to take a shower with the twat.  He would never do that.  Maybe he was leaving!  Was he done working?  _YES!  I love you, Joel!  I'm sorry I thought about killing you for a second -- I didn't mean it!_ She could just sneak out of there a minute or so after him, to remain undetected... maybe wait like fifteen minutes before going home so the timing wasn't _too_ perfect _... man, what an idiot I am!_   It occurred to her how ridiculous it was to hide from Joel, of all people, and to feel just as afraid of being discovered as she was when it was fucking _Infected,_ or hunters/soldiers/whoever, that she was hiding from -- people who wanted to _kill_ her -- and to feel even _more_ afraid that he might take a shower with the tramp.  Maybe someday she'd confess this to Joel and they'd have a good laugh over it.

She listened for the sound of the front door opening and then closing behind Joel.  ...And she kept not hearing it.  _What's he doing down there?_

The shower turned off after a few minutes.  Ellie heard Skankface padding back into the bedroom on those possibly-sexy bare feet.  “Joel?” the bitch called out in that silvery, musical voice of hers.  Ellie even felt possessive of his name.  _That’s MY Joel..._   “Joel, can you come up here and look at something for me?”  
  
Ellie hadn’t heard her getting dressed.  Maybe she'd dressed in the bathroom?  It seemed like she'd come out a little too soon for that, but... maybe she was super-quick?  _Please let that be it_ , Ellie begged whatever god might hear her.  _Don't let her be naked!_   She heard Joel's footsteps approaching.  She held her breath and prayed that he wouldn't somehow sense her presence so close to him.  
  
“Why don’ you put some clothes on first,” was Joel’s greeting when he entered the room, so no, she fucking _hadn't_ gotten dressed, and now she was... and Joel was... _I'm going to die.  I can't scream, and I can't cry, so that's the only other option.  
_  
“I’m not _naked_ ,” Skankyass argued, sounding all cute and... flirty-like.  That declaration wasn't the relief it should've been; Ellie wondered what the hell she was wearing that Joel didn't perceive to be clothes... or _enough_ clothes.  Underwear?  
  
“That ain’t clothes.”  
  
“But… there’s something in here I want you to take a look at…”  
  
“Somethin’ broke?”  
  
“Uh-huh.”   
  
_Yeah, right. FUCKING CUNTFACED COCKSUCKING BITCH._   Ellie was fuming.  Too fuming to die, she decided.  
  
“After you get dressed.” He left the room and shut the door.  
  
_Fuck yeah!_   He should have just left the house entirely, but it was still a victory.  Ellie watched the naked feet head for the closet, right next to the bathroom… a walk-in, she gathered, because they disappeared… and Skanky called out, “Okay, I’m dressed!” after maybe a minute.  It hadn’t really sounded like she was getting dressed, though.  A slight _swish_ sound, but no clothes rustling, zippers zipping...  
  
Ellie started slowly pivoting on her stomach so she was facing more towards the closet -- and stopped as soon as the bedroom door opened.  _Why is the skank still in the closet?_   One of the bed's feet was obstructing her view a little in that spot, but it wasn't like she could fucking _see_ anything she needed to anyway.  She held her breath again as she heard Joel's boots approaching… saw them walking by her--  
  
But before he could enter the bathroom, the bitch emerged from the closet -- still bare-footed, and who knows what else was bare, because Ellie heard him sort of gasp a little.  Joel… wasn’t really a gasper. _What the fuck…?_   She wished she could see what was going on, but she just couldn't risk discovery by sticking her head out, especially with nothing to camouflage her.  Their feet were very close together... then Joel's boots moved back a few steps.  
  
A giggle.  “Oops.”  
  
_'OOPS?' What did she do?  And what the fuck is she wearing? -Lingerie? A bikini?  Nothing at all?!_  
  
“I told you to put some clothes on,” Joel growled.  
  
_Shit!  But... good. He sounds annoyed at whatever she’s doing._  
  
“And I _did._   This is clothing.  Don't you like it?  Don’t lie. Your _body_ doesn’t lie…”

_...the fuck?!_   Ellie's skin was crawling.  She desperately wanted to make her presence known -- in spectacular fashion, like perhaps lunging at the fucking cunt with her switchblade -- but she couldn't.  Not unless Joel needed her help... and it would defeat the secondary purpose of her spying:  recon.  Ellie saw Skanky's feet move towards Joel's, but Joel's boots were still backing away... and changing the direction they faced, like he wasn't looking at her.  _Thank God!_  
  
“Knock it off.”

_Knock WHAT off?!_  
  
“You really want me to stop?  Or you just--"  
  
“Yes!  Look, I'm sorry if I did anythin' that somehow made you think..." He sighed.  "I don't... I ain't interested.  Sorry.  Put some real clothes on."

Ellie wanted to scream at Joel for _apologizing_ to this slut who was clearly just not getting the fucking message (which sounded pretty clear to Ellie's ears!), but at least he was saying the right things in the sense that he wasn't going for it -- and that was more important than his process.  She rotated herself a smidge more, to keep their feet completely in view.

“You ain't interested," Skankytwat repeated, as if it was so fucking hard to believe or something.  "Okie dokie.  If that's really... You know, a man like you… you can’t be content with just--"  
  
“You don’ know the first thing about what I’m like.  I’m leavin’.”

_That's more like it!_  
  
“No, wait, please--"

Ellie sooooo wished she could see more than just their feet.  It seemed like Skanky had touched Joel somehow, like grabbed his arm to try to stop him from leaving, maybe? -and he'd made some kind of jerking movement away from her... he said _"Don't"_ in that threatening tone he used with Ellie sometimes when she'd pushed him a little too far -- like when he _"Ellie"_ d her.   But he was still... _there_.  She didn't get it.  _He should be pissed off enough to just leave by now, shouldn't he?  Fuck!_ She wished she had a ruffle thing she could peek around... but it was just as well that she didn't, since Joel would somehow detect the movement.  _Well, maybe not... he's not Outside... maybe I could look from the opposite side of the bed..._ Ellie had to sneeze, no doubt from all the fucking dustbunnies under the bed.  She stifled it, making a very soft sound, but they didn’t seem to hear her.  Not even Joel with his bat-like hearing. 

She found that she both did and did not want to be discovered.  Mostly did not. … _I think._  
  
“Is this about Ellie?" asked the cunt.

Ellie's heart skipped a beat when she heard her name.  She held her breath again, as if the spoken name might make them somehow realize she was there.

"Ellie's got nothin' to do with it," Joel replied... quite convincingly.  A little too convincingly for Ellie's liking, as if there was no way he could possibly be in _love_ with her... but, he _was_ a good liar...  
  
“I just thought maybe… if you wanted to set an example for her, or something?  It's not like she'd need to know.  It could be our little secret," she cooed.

_NO no no no no fucking NO -- I'm the one who gets to have dirty little secrets with Joel, you fucking twatfaced bitch!!!_ It took all of Ellie's self-control not to reveal herself and start beating the shit out of the skank.  Every muscle was twitching with the desire to hurt her... to defend what was hers.

“I don' know how else to say it to you.  I only came here to fix your house.  That's it."

How could Joel still be so fucking civil?  Ellie wanted _him_ to start beating her ass.  But of course, why would he?  It must be flattering to have a pretty woman hitting on him.  He probably kinda liked it.  Maybe that's why he hadn't left yet.  Was he tempted by her at all?  _What is his BODY not lying about?!  UGH --_ she hoped that remark didn't mean what she thought it meant.  
  
“That's a real shame," Sluttybutt lamented.  "But... no hard feelings.  If you ever change your mind..."

"Don' hold your breath."

_...What?  Oh... right... that's one of those dumb sayings._  She'd heard that one before.  Roughly translated: _"I wouldn't touch you with a ten-inch dick."_

"Okayyyyyy.  I hear ya."  The slut made a little clucking noise.  "But you don't know what you're missing, baby.”  To Ellie's horror -- and before she could even get annoyed about that 'baby' -- Sluttytwat started laying down on the bed, right above her.  Striking God knows what sort of sexy pose.  Ellie started fantasizing about pointing her pistol directly above her and firing right through the mattress (and since it was a fantasy, she totally had the elbow room to do it).  It wouldn't be as satisfying as a more personal attack, but it would get the job done...

And then she had to fucking sneeze again.  She stifled it, but a strangled hiccup sound escaped instead!

Of course, this time the bitch heard it; she gasped and shuffled toward the head of the bed.  The noise hadn't been that loud, but Ellie could tell Joel had heard something, too... it sounded like he was drawing his gun.  “Stay there an’ don’ move," Joel said _\-- to Skanky, or to me?_  

Ellie held her breath yet again, in an effort to rid herself of the hiccups… and to be absolutely quiet -- as if she could undo this now.  She heard his gun cocking.  "Who’s under there?” he barked.   
  
It was comical, really.  Skanktits was probably eating up his protectiveness shit.  Later, she could tell herself that he’d come to her rescue from this oh-so-menacing threat.  
  
”Come out unless you want me to start shootin’!”  
  
Right.  _Reality._   It wasn’t comical at all.  This was going to be humiliating as hell.  “Don’t shoot,” she squeaked, another half-stifled hiccup erupting just as she spoke.  Her voice was barely audible... did Joel recognize it?  _No matter -- he'll see it's me soon enough._  
  
“It’s a girl,” Twatface declared.  “Or a child.  Who _are_ you?” It sounded like she was shifting around to maybe take a look from the other side of the bed.

“Sophie -- stay put," said Joel.  "Okay, kid... I ain’t gonna hurt you, jus’ come on out of there." His tone was softer now.  He wouldn't shoot a kid making mischief.  
  
The tears produced by the continuous stifling of sounds only added to Ellie's shame.  Would Joel believe that she hadn't actually been _crying_ -crying?  She might have wanted to at first, but that was before the rage -- or outrage -- had taken over.  She wiped the treacherous, lying tears away before they could make tracks down her dirty cheeks, and painfully swallowed another hiccup that punched her stomach from the inside.  _I have to move._   _There's no way out of this.  SHIT!  Sorry, Joel, I have to die now... I never thought my life would end this way..._  

Hoping that another round of breath-holding would finally kill the hiccups, she started scooting toward Joel.  She just couldn't make herself lift her gaze to meet his when she emerged, and she tried not to imagine the look of shock and horror on his face.

_”Ellie?!”_   

Hearing it in his voice was bad enough.  She stared at the toe of his boot, waiting to succumb to death by abject misery.


	4. Taming the Green-Eyed Monster

Joel couldn't believe his eyes... but there, kneeling in front of him, was a mortified Ellie.  He holstered his revolver and looked at the frozen girl slumped on the floor.  “What in the _hell_ were you doin’ under there?!”  
  
Ellie's only response was a hiccup.  
  
He was pretty sure he already knew the answer.  He thought he'd reassured her enough last night, but apparently he hadn't.  Out of the corner of his eye, he noted that Sophie had quietly centered herself on the bed, and he was thankful that she wasn't laughing or smirking or anything of the like.  He kept his eyes on Ellie.  _What's she thinking right now?_  He offered her his hand.  “C’mon.  Up.”

Ellie hesitated only a moment before taking his hand and rising to her feet.  She looked absolutely miserable, and she wouldn't look at him.  
  
"Were you spying on me?" Sophie asked, sounding more intrigued than upset by the notion.  
  
“No,” Ellie said coolly.  She crossed her arms in front of her chest, although she had her back to Sophie.

Joel couldn't think of any other reason for her to hide like that.  If she needed to see him, she could've just come and found him.  Talked to him.  _Except it was me she was spying on, obviously... and she heard everything..._ “Sophie… give us a minute, would you?”  
  
Sophie was lounging on the bed, wearing only a silky robe-type thing (the proper name of which escaped him). “Uhhh… you’re in _my_ bedroom?  If you wanna walk her home and come back..."  
  
Ellie whirled around angrily.  “Fuck off, skank!” she snarled at Sophie, her voice a little shaky, but venomous all the same.  "He doesn't want you!"

Anticipating violence, Joel grabbed Ellie before she could lunge at the bed.  He pulled her back against him, his arm across her chest acting sort of like a safety bar.  He pointedly kept his gaze off of Sophie.  "Ellie, calm down."

Sophie didn't seem to have taken offense at Ellie's outburst.  "I know he doesn't.  He just told me.  Noooooo reason to be jealous."  She didn't say it unkindly, but her tone came off as patronizing, and he knew that would just enrage Ellie all the more.

Ellie strained against his arm; if he let go of her, he knew there'd be trouble.  She snorted derisively.  "I'm not jealous of you _~hic!~_ you stupid slut -- _you_ should be jealous of--"

"Ellie!" he cut her off before she could say too much.  She shouldn't talk to Sophie like that, either, but he wasn't going to go parental on her over it.  Nor would he apologize for her; she was fifteen, not five.  And, although Ellie was way out of line, he couldn't help thinking it wasn't _entirely_ undeserved on Sophie's part.  "C'mon, we're leavin'."

“Stay the fuck away from him!” Ellie yelled at Sophie threateningly, her voice no longer shaky at all.  Joel had to resist the urge to clamp his hand over her mouth and drag her out of the room.  Instead, he shifted his bar-arm over to her shoulder and steered her toward the door.

Sophie was unfazed.  Cool as a cucumber.  “No worries -- he's only here to fix my attic.  You heard him.  Joel, you're coming back to finish up here, right?  I'll keep it professional next time.  Promise."

Ellie answered for him, trying to turn around, but having to settle for just twisting her neck toward Sophie.  "Fuck you!  He's not ever coming back here--"

" _Ellie!_   Stop it."  He cast a test-glance in Sophie's direction.  It seemed safe enough to look at her now, as she'd cinched her robe a little tighter.  He caught her eye.  "We'll see.  Look... I'd appreciate it if you don' mention this to anyone."

"You betcha.  My lips are sealed."  He saw her drag a finger across her lips before he looked away.  Ellie saw it too, unfortunately.  He had to tighten his grip on her -- and he did pretty much have to drag her out of there after all.

"Thank you," he called over his shoulder as he shuffled Ellie down the stairs.

"Why are you thanking that slutty _~hic!~_  twatfaced... _slut?!"_ Ellie hissed.

 _Because that 'slutty slut' could stir up some trouble if she wanted to._  And Ellie was overreacting to the situation; it wasn't like anything terrible had happened.  He stayed quiet until they got outside.  He really didn't want to talk to her in the street, but the walk home seemed like it would be unbearably long.  Ellie was quiet, too... quietly fuming.  If she were a cartoon, she'd have smoke coming out of her ears.  She wrenched free of him, and when Joel saw she wasn't intending to run back into the house and kill Sophie, he decided to just let her be.  He directed her into a vacant backyard two houses away. 

The ivy was completely overgrown on the trellises and deck railing, providing a level of privacy Joel felt was more than adequate for a heart-to-heart.  They sank into a couple of rickety patio chairs that were angled toward each other.  He scooted his chair as close to hers as possible.  Ellie slumped into the back of the chair, looking away from him, while Joel leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.  Dirt was smudged all over her face, especially the right side of it.  She looked incredibly young to him right now.  “You wanna tell me what you were doin’, hmm?” he prodded gently.  
  
“Not really,” she said coldly.  
  
“Tell me anyway."  He tried to take her hand in his, but she yanked it away.  "What's goin' on in that head of yours?"

"Nothing."

"Nothin' you wanna tell me.  I get it.  But why did you...?"  He paused, seeing if she would answer the obvious question, but she just sat there, sullenly staring off into the distance.  He knew the bottom-line answer:  she was jealous.  He wanted to hear Ellie explain in her own words.  "Don't you trust me?" he tried.

No response.

"I wish you would.  I told you, I don' wanna be with anyone else.  Only you."

Ellie muttered something that he had to ask her to repeat.  "I _knew_ she wanted you," she said.

"It don' matter what she wants.  It's me you have to trust."

"But, I told you..."

Joel waited for her to finish, but she didn't.  "Told me what?"

She sighed.  "You were acting like it was stupid of me to think she might try something, but she totally did.  And what was that-- that _thing_ she was wearing... it was too... skanky!"  She glanced at Joel briefly before looking out to the yard again.

"Who gives a shit?  You know... maybe this was a good thing.  I had no idea you were there, an' I... well, you saw that I didn'... do anythin'."  
  
Now she looked like she was fighting tears... a battle she nearly always won, but it still saddened Joel to see that she felt like crying.  She was quiet for a few moments, and just when Joel was about to speak again, she asked him a question, her voice barely above a whisper: “Are you mad?”  
  
She was clearly pissed at _him_ , yet still worried about pissing him off.  “No,” he replied.  He wasn’t, really.  _‘Mad’ ain’t the right word for it..._ “I’m confused.”  
  
“About… her?”  
  
“About you!  What were you doin’ in there?  Why don’ you trust me?”  
  
“I do.”  
  
“Then _why_?  Why did you…”  
  
Ellie shrugged.

“So you _don't_ trust me.”  
  
“No, it’s her I don't trust." 

He just didn't see how she could trust him, and still do what she did.  Was she afraid to tell him the truth for some reason?  "It's all right if you need more time... to trust me.  I won' be mad.  I know I fucked up before when--"

"It's _HER I don't trust!"_ she said exasperatedly, glancing at him again... actually, it was more of a glare this time. 

 _Okay, she keeps saying that, so I'm supposed to know what it means with no further explanation._   Joel tried to think of how, if she really did trust him not to cheat on her, she'd feel compelled to spy on him.  The way Joel saw it, not trusting _him_ was what it ultimately had to boil down to.  Unless she thought Sophie would do something crazy... like drug him?  Tie him up?  Force him to do things?  That was a laugh!  But what else could it be?  "So you... thought she was gonna... do what, exactly?"

"Exactly what she did -- try to fuck you."

"She wasn'--"

"Yes she was!  Don't defend her, Joel -- I might puke."

It _had_ been a bit beyond casual flirting... _all right, so she probably would've had sex with me if I'd wanted it.  But if Ellie really trusted me, she would've known that I'd turn her down._   "You thought I might... sleep with her."

"No," Ellie said quietly.

Was she lying?  Why else would she pull a stunt like that?  "You did.  You thought I'd cheat on you."

She looked at him plaintively.  "No!"

"Then I don' get it.  Please explain it to me?"

She turned her gaze back to the yard.  He couldn't tell if she was trying to think of a way to explain, or just ignoring the question altogether.  He waited half a minute or so, then tried again.  "I want to understand, Ellie.  Please.  What am I missin'?  If you truly didn' think I would sleep with her..." 

"It's not that I thought... But I guess like… maybe I... er... fuck.  You promise you won't get mad?"  She still wasn't looking at him, but she sounded less angry.

"I won't -- jus' talk to me."  He could tell she was on the verge of saying something painfully honest.

She gathered her thoughts for a moment, staring off into the distance.  "I don't know why I went there, exactly.  I guess... I just had to know, if she... and then when I was there... I knew if she tried to like... take advantage of you, being in her house... that she might act like... well... if she was all, you know... _sexy_ , and stuff... and her bed is right there, and everything..."  She looked at him then, rather pleadingly.  Like _'please understand so I don't have to keep talking.'_   Sometimes he got it when she did that... but he was still confused this time.

"Then... what?  If you truly weren't afraid I'd cheat on you..."

She resumed not-looking at him, but at least she was facing his direction.  She swallowed... nervously, it seemed.  _What is she so afraid of?_

"More like... I wanted to see what you were giving up, for me... because you won't, um..." She sighed -- or sigh-groaned, if there was such a thing.  "I wanted to see if you acted… if maybe I could tell that you… like, at least a _part_ of you, wanted to...”  
  
"You thought I'd _want_ to cheat on you.  Is that it?"

"I dunno... maybe?"  
  
_That's a yes_.  Joel looked at her earnestly, even though she was avoiding eye contact.  “Ellie, no part of me wanted any part of that back there.  Do you believe me?”  
  
Ellie snorted.  “I think maybe part of you did… she made that comment...”

"What comment?"

"About your _body not lying..._?"  
  
Joel shook his head.  “No.  I really didn’.  That was her imagination, or... wishful thinkin' or somethin', I don' know.  You heard me tell her.  For you to actually… to sneak into her house, her _bedroom_ …”  
  
“I knooooow, God, I’m a terrible person,” Ellie said with another groan.  
  
Joel didn't respond to the sarcasm.  He was trying to think of how to respond to her fragmented thoughts from before.  He wasn't good at this shit, but... Ellie needed him to be.  He had to try.  "I don' know what it is you think I'm... givin' up for you, when I don' want nothin' else in the first place.  I ain't sacrificin' anythin'."

"Pfff.  Yeah, right."

"I'm not."

She squirmed a little.  Tucked a leg under herself and started plucking at the patch on her knee, frowning.

 _She wants to believe me, but she doesn't really..._ "Are you upset with me?" he asked gently.

"... ... ...no."

That was so unconvincing that it was a half-yes, at best.  But he'd take it.  "Can I hold your hand, then?"

She bit her lip... then nodded.  He took her closest hand in both of his, caressing it with his thumb.  "I don' care what she does... her or any other woman in this town -- nothin' is gonna change with you'n'me.  You don' have to worry about... me wantin' anyone else but you.  Okay?"

"I know," she said, but Joel wasn't at all convinced she did.  
  
"I wish you felt more secure in yourself.  In us.  How long were you up there?”  
  
She was staring at their joined hands now.  “Just... a little while.  I only went under the bed when she came down to take a shower."

"Where were you before then?  Up in the attic?"  How the hell could he have missed that?

"No, just close to it.  I was afraid to go up there... afraid you might see me... I heard you guys laughing and stuff..."

"You heard me laughin'?" Joel didn't recall laughing at anything.  He might have snorted or something, if Ellie wanted to nitpick.

"Well... just her," Ellie admitted.  "She laughed.  And talked a lot.  Why didn't you tell her to leave?  Or did you tell her and she just wouldn't and then you were like 'oh well, fuck it'...  Did you like having her with you?"

Joel didn't like the accusation in her tone.  He wondered if there were any good answers to those questions -- good answers that weren't lies.  Truthfully, he hadn't minded Sophie's presence.  That was probably some sort of betrayal, from Ellie's point of view.  Sophie had been somewhat flirtatious, he supposed, but not at all like she was in the bedroom later.  Mostly, she'd talked about Alex; Joel knew she missed him, and if talking helped at all, well... He could lie and tell Ellie that he'd been annoyed, and that he hadn't asked her to leave him alone out of politeness, or some shit... but if Ellie didn't believe him, it would erode a little more of whatever trust she did have in him.  He wasn't sure she'd completely gotten past him lying about Salt Lake yet.  As a general rule, he didn't lie to her anymore.  Lies of omission, sure... and white lies that still slipped out, because it was more automatic for him to protect her than tell her the truth.  _Okay, so I DO lie to her.  But not about anything huge._ "I would've rather had _you_ up there with me," he said diplomatically.  "Though I ain't sure a lot of fixin' would've gone on, in that case."

"Whatever."  She wasn't ready to be placated yet.  "Why was she barefoot up there if there was like mouse poop everywhere?"

"...I thought you weren't up in the attic?"

"I wasn't.  I saw her feet when she walked by me.  All I could see was you guys's feet."

"She has these shoes she leaves up there," Joel explained.  "Moccasins or somethin'.  So as not to track shit down to the house."  Of course, she needn't have bothered with that; he only had his boots, so if there was any filth to be tracked, he would've done it himself anyway, inadvertently.

"Wow, must be nice to have so many shoes that you can like, have a different pair for each floor of the house," Ellie scoffed.

Joel wondered if Ellie was aware of how many shoes most women had in the old days.  The two of them had scavenged their way through plenty of closets and bedrooms on their trip, but most of the shoes had wandered off by then.  He decided to ignore the snark... though he wasn't sure how else to respond to that.

No matter -- Ellie asked another question soon enough.  "Why was she taking a shower if you weren't even done yet, anyway?"

He liked these easy questions.  "We were goin' to take a break for lunch, an' she felt dirty after bein' up there," Joel explained.

"I bet she did," Ellie said nastily.

Joel squeezed her hand.  "She didn' act... like that... up there.  An' her brother said she likes younger guys... I didn' expect her to--"

"Right.  Even though I _told_ you.  If you would've just _listened_ to me!"

Joel wasn't sure what he would've done differently, if he'd known what Sophie was going to... offer.  Avoid going in her bedroom, sure.  The right thing would probably be to avoid the job entirely.  Maybe he could've arranged it so that Ellie could come... which would've been awkward as hell, but it _was_ one of her suggestions last night.  At any rate, he'd learned that sometimes it was best to pick his battles, and not waste the energy going in circles on the small shit.  He could concede this one to Ellie.  "You did.  I'm sorry I didn' listen to you.  But _nothin' happened._   An' nothin' ever will.  I was there for work.  All right?"

Now she was looking at him.  Studying his face.  "Does that happen to you a lot?"

"Does what happen?"

"You know.  Getting hit on like that when you're working."

"No!  I swear she's never done that before."

"Only cuz you've never been to her house before.  But what about other people?  Other women in this town?"

"No.  Never."  Joel was glad Ellie hadn't lingered on that first statement; lies of omission were the easiest kind.  He actually _had_ been to Sophie's house more than once.  After Alex left.  But Ellie didn't need to know about that, and nothing even remotely close to _this_ had gone on.  He wasn't... _hanging out_ with Sophie, trying to be friends or anything.  He and Ellie had a rule about that -- a rule that he'd proposed more for his own peace of mind, but it did go both ways.  "It jus' so happens that the first time you decide to spy on me is the only time it's happened.  -This _is_ the first time you've done somethin' like this, ain't it?"

"Yes!  Can we just pretend I never did it?  You don't have to lecture me.  I'll never do it again.  I just wanna forget the whole thing."

Joel didn't particularly want to dwell on it, either, but he felt it would be remiss of him to 'forget' it altogether.  "No lecture.  'Cause you realize it was... childish, an' disres--"

"Yes yes yes!  All of the above, fast forward to the end, I've _learned my lesson,_ " she drawled.

"Only 'cause you got caught."

"Well... yeah."

"You understand it's wrong to break into people's houses?"

"I didn't break in!"

"A technicality.  To... enter someone's house without their permission."

"Duh!  That's part of the fast forwarding.  It's an invasion of privacy, blah blah."

She sounded so completely unremorseful... and Joel had to hide his amusement.  "How would you like it if someone was watchin' your every move when you thought you were alone?"

"I wouldn't mind."

"Bullshit."

"Face it, Joel -- the only one who does that is you, and... I don't care.  You can watch me all you want.  I've got nothing to hide."

"I don't spy on you."

"Well, you're welcome to if you want."

He sighed.  "Ellie--"

"I know it was wrong, okay?  You don't need to try to make me feel bad about it.  I'll never do it again."

"It's also wrong to insult people in their own--"

"I was just speaking the truth!"

"Sure you were.  Almost too much of it, too.  Tellin' her she oughta be jealous?"

"Well-- I wasn't-- I wouldn't have said anything _bad_ , Joel.  I'm not an idiot.  She provoked me!"

"Maybe you're too easily provoked.  If I hadn't stopped you, you would've actually hurt her."

"So?"

" _'So?'_   Jesus, Ellie, she's not an Infected, or a hunter--"

"Ohhhhh whatever, Joel.  Like you wouldn't do the same thing if it was me-- if the roles were reversed."

"I wouldn' be hidin' under the bed, for one thing..."

"Pretend you fit under there."

"Even if I did!"

"Okay fine, but you'd kill the guy."

 _...Yeah, probably._   "No I wouldn't."

"Bullshit!  You're such a liar!"

"It's different, with guys.  Sophie... ain't as tough as you."

"Oh, God, don't even-- _ugh._   Can we be done with this now?  You did your dad thing.  I get it, I screwed up, I'm _sorry."_

 _Good enough._  "All right then."  He had the feeling she wasn't quite _done_ yet, though.  She still wasn't... happy.  Sometimes Joel thought the only way he could convince her of his love was through physical means.  Even if he couldn't do it in its ultimate form (and this wasn't anywhere near a good enough reason to justify having sex with her).  "You wanna go home?" he asked her.

"With you?  You're not going back to her house, right?"

"Well, I left all my shit there--"

"I'll get it for you," she offered quickly.  "Later?"

"No need to go back right now, but I don' know if I trust you not to kill her if you go over there."  He was only half joking about that.

A smile played about her lips.  "Yeah, I might."

"An' I don' want you gettin' tossed out of Jackson for murder."

A bigger smile.  "Would you come with me if I did?" she asked devilishly.

Joel was grateful for the sudden shift in her mood.  "Of course!  You kiddin' me?  I wouldn' stay here without you."

She leaned forward, grinning.  "Am I allowed to kiss you here?"

Joel looked around with mock furtiveness; he knew no one was around, and they had their ivy curtain.  "I s'pose one kiss wouldn' hurt."  That was true enough -- but if they kept it up, he was afraid he'd get too distracted to notice if anyone was coming.  And as unlikely as it was that anyone else would happen to enter this deserted backyard, it was best not to take chances.  Sophie hadn't followed them, he knew, but she could have watched where they went when they left her house, then gone looking for him... still unlikely, it seemed, but possible.

He didn't let her lean far enough to kiss him; he stood up and pulled Ellie to her feet, then kissed her tenderly, only for a few moments.  He pulled her into a bear hug afterwards.  _How can she even THINK I'd want to be this close to anyone else?_ he wondered, squeezing her, kissing her temple and massaging the back of her head a little before letting her go.  He hoped she could feel how much he loved her.  That she would believe in it.  Her mood seemed to have already done a one-eighty... not uncommon for her.  It swung both ways, though, so he wasn't going to assume he was out of the woods yet.

They walked home, hand in hand -- pretty much the only affection he felt comfortable with in public.  People already knew they were extremely close... 'codependent' was the word Tommy was fond of using now.  If anyone wanted to assume there was more going on, well... they might do so even if he and Ellie never laid a hand on each other.  One anonymous person had already complained to his brother, thinking something perverse might be going on at home.  Tommy himself had suspected something was up -- but Joel had taken care of that.  He didn't admit as much to Ellie, but he'd led Tommy to believe that Ellie had sort of a 'teacher crush' on him, one that Joel _of course_ wouldn't do anything to indulge.  He was fine with Tommy knowing how much he cared for Ellie -- hell, he'd made that clear the day he'd confessed what happened in Salt Lake City.  If Tommy knew the nature of Joel's true feelings... he would be horrified, certainly, but Joel could deal with that.  He just didn't want Tommy to be in the position where he had to _do_ something with that knowledge, in some official capacity. 

Joel hadn't figured out the best way to handle it all yet.  He knew they couldn't keep the secret forever, but he hoped they could keep it at least until Ellie was eighteen.  That would make things a little easier.  In the meantime, Ellie didn't have a very good poker face, and now if Tommy (or anyone else) picked up on anything... _untoward_ , he could attribute it to her little crush.  No one would get bent out of shape over that.  And for all they knew, Ellie might outgrow him by eighteen anyway.  It would devastate him, but it was a possibility... one he kept tucked in some far corner of his brain.  He could handle it, if he had to.  The only thing he knew for certain he couldn't handle was Ellie dying.

After kissing on the couch for a little while, Ellie seemed more willing to talk.  Joel would have preferred to just keep snuggling, but he also knew it was important to get this resolved... or at the very least, to keep giving Ellie the reassurance she needed so much.  She was sitting in his lap, and he had his arms snugly around her.

"That sk-- Sophie's really pretty," Ellie said, nonchalantly-except-not-really.

" _You're_ really pretty," Joel replied, kissing her brow.  He knew how to play _this_ game.  And it wasn't a lie.

"Whatever.  Not prettier than her," Ellie grumbled.

"Yes you--"

"No no no, Joel, I'm not trying to make you say that stuff!  But... do you think that... maybe my nose is prettier than hers?"

"Definitely."

"Hers is a little... I dunno... not _long_ , really, but..."

"Yours is perfect."  He kissed her freckled little button nose for emphasis.  He could tease her about where her sunburn was making it peel a little... but he got the sense that now wasn't the best time for that.  She was self-conscious enough about her appearance as it was.  He wondered if she was aware of the dirt smeared all over her face.

"I don't know about _that_..." She smiled shyly.  "But, um... thanks.  What about her chin?  It's maybe... a little too pointy?"

Joel smiled.  "Oh yeah.  Yeah, she's jus'... so damn ugly that I can't even believe you'd try to compare yourself to her.  You're way out of her league."

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "Okay, so actually, she's really pretty... I didn't see her all-the-way naked or anything, but like... those long legs... and the way her robe... I mean, I kinda couldn't help looking at... um... well, like trying to look _down_ it, so I assume you did too..."

Joel couldn't tell her that that was the main reason he was so careful to mind where he looked, because that would be an admission of guilt somehow, in Ellie's mind.  _Her_ gaze could be drawn to particular places, but his couldn't.  No, it was best to not even get into that shit with her.  He sighed.  "What're you gettin' at, kiddo?"

Ellie hesitated.  "...You like naked women, don't you?"

Well, that was blunt.  "Uh... no?"

"Come on.  You're a guy.  A straight guy.  Straight guys like naked women.  Pretty ones, I mean.  And you saw her all-the-way naked, not just in that robe."

"No.  She wasn' naked."

"...In her underwear, then.  Like, topless?"

Joel remembered that Ellie had heard everything that went on in that room, she just didn't have the matching visual.  "No.  It was a towel, before the robe."  _And don't ask me about that 'oops'..._

"Oh."  She absorbed that information... with a bit of relief, Joel reckoned.  "Okay, so you saw her... almost-naked, and now that picture is in your head.  You wonder what she--"

"No," he said firmly.  "I don' have those kinds of feelin's for her."

"I mean, if _I'm_ wondering, you must be--"

"No, it ain't like that.  At all."

"Next time you jerk off, you're gonna be thinking about that."

It was like she didn't even want to hear what he was saying... except he knew she did want to be reassured.  _"No_.  Ellie, you can't jus' lump me with every other man on the planet... no more than I can do that with you an' other teenage girls.  You don' like it when I do that, do you?"

"No," she admitted.  "But-- if you have those... feelings... for me... ?"

"You know I do."

"Then if you could just see _me_ naked..."

 _Christ._   "We've talked about this."

"And you don't wanna see me naked, cuz I'm too... small... I don't have a body like hers..."

"No.  You're _young_.  Your body is beautiful jus' how it is."

"So... it's okay for you to _say_ that, but not to actually _look_ at it, cuz that makes you a child molester.  Except I'm not a child, and I'm like... totally willing for you to look at it.  And... to do whatever."

Joel sighed again.  "I know you think I'm a hypocrite--"

"No I don't!" she said quickly, but then added, "Like... how?"

"You think since I can kiss you, I should be able to do it all.  To jus'... own it."

She chewed on that for a moment.  "Well... maybe that's true?  I think if I'm comfortable with stuff, then you should be, too, if the only reason you're uncomfortable is not wanting to make _me_ uncomfortable."

"I also don' wanna take advantage of you."

"You wouldn't be!"

"I would.  You jus' don' see it, 'cause that's what takin' advantage _is_."

"Whatever.  So why is it okay to kiss me?  That's not taking advantage?"

Joel had yet to figure that one out himself.  It _should_ bother him.  "Are you tryin' to talk me out of kissin' you now?"

"Noooooo!  No -- no going backwards.  You said!" She sat a little more upright to give him a dirty look.

He chuckled.  "I did say that, yes.  I promised I wouldn' do that to you, an' I won't.  That's why we need to be careful about goin' forwards."  Once he'd crossed that line, he knew they couldn't go back to the father-and-daughter dynamic, but that didn't make it okay to just say 'fuck it' and treat her like someone twenty years older.  She was _so_ young...

She settled back into his arms.  "Good.  I don't wanna make things _worse_."

"Worse?  Are they _bad?_ "

"No.  I just mean backwards-wise."  She sighed.  "I know you're not ready to have sex, or anything in the sex category, even... but that's a small thing, isn't it?  Just looking?"

"Hmm.  Maybe I wouldn' be able to keep my hands off you an' I'd get myself in trouble," he teased.  He should probably be careful about saying shit like that to her too, but... it was fun and harmless?

She giggled.  "Doesn't sound like trouble to me!"

"Naughty girl.  You get me in enough trouble as it is... that way."

"What way?  Oh -- yeah, like a little while ago!  But it went away.  It always goes away."

It made Joel feel vaguely guilty and pedophilic that she even noticed when he got hard; he had to remind himself that she wasn't _that_ innocent.

Ellie pulled back a little to look at him.  "You really didn't, um... you know... when you were looking at her in her bedroom like that?"

"I really didn't."  He _might_ have, if he'd let himself go there; he just knew better.  And he knew better than to try to explain _that_ to Ellie.  She would never understand.  He wasn't a teenage boy who got hard over anything and everything, but he wasn't entirely immune to visual stimulation, either.  The thought, or idea, or… _whatever_ of Sophie truly didn't 'do' anything for him, though.  Either because it just _didn't_ , or because he was in love with Ellie -- and that was all Ellie needed to know.  He gave her a quick kiss.  "I swear.  You saw me.  You would've noticed.  'Specially when I was tryin' to keep you from killin' her.  Remember?"

"Oh... yeah... I guess you're right.  You weren't poking me."  She giggled a little and nuzzled his neck.  "I'm sorry I stalked you.  I won't do it again."

He started playing with her hair, which he'd tugged out of its ponytail during a round of kissing.  "Jus' talk to me next time, okay?"

"Next time?!"  Another dirty look.

"I mean if you feel like that again."

"You're _not_ going back there though, right?"

He chuckled.  "We can go get my tools together if you want.  I'll have someone else finish patchin' that up.  She can jus' wait."  He hadn't even assessed all the water damage on the ceiling in that area; her roof probably needed some attention, too.  _Sorry, Alex, but Ellie's more important than Sophie._   Joel would have given Sophie a chance to redeem herself, if it had been up to him alone.  He figured she was used to getting her way, and it must've thrown her a bit when Joel resisted her charms.  But he couldn't blame Ellie for not wanting him to go back there.  Even if she'd told him she was okay with it, he wouldn't have believed her, and he didn't want her fretting over this shit any longer.

She seemed pretty happy at the moment.  "Okay, good.  And yeah, we can't leave your tools there.  Your hands were on them so the crazy bitch is prob'ly like, using them to..."

Joel had to laugh. "Hey now.  Be nice."

"Wait, forget I said that -- I don't want you thinking about _that_ the next time you jerk off, either!"

He squeezed her.  "I don' jerk off," he said lightly.  It was a running joke of theirs.

"Oh right, I forgot.  Didn't mean to lump you with other guys again," she teased.

"Damn straight."  He pulled her up so she was straddling his lap, then kissed her deeply, and gave her a crushing hug -- as hard as he dared.  She liked it when he squeezed her 'as hard as he could' -- which, of course, was nowhere near as hard as he was physically capable, because he could actually injure her if he did that.  He would do it hard enough to make her wheeze, just for a second, then ease back to normal-crush level.  She _loved_ that.

"What was that for?" she said happily, hugging him back tightly.

"Jus' 'cause."  _Because I love you, and I'm glad you're willing to put up with my shit._ "Maybe when I get back... maybe we can try takin' a baby step forward."

"Really?" she squealed adorably.  "Like what?"

"I don' know... jus'... somethin'.  It's gotta be small, since we can't go backwards."

"Okay!  But Joel, seriously, I'm not... unhappy with you or anything.  Not at all.  I like how we are.  We're good."

When she backpedaled like that, sometimes he couldn't tell if she was genuinely concerned about how he was feeling, or if maybe it meant something more... like she wasn't as ready as she thought she was.  "All right, then... no baby step..." He tried to kiss her, smiling as she pulled away to protest.

"Nooooo that's not what I meant, either!"

"I'm jus' kiddin', don' worry."

"Good, cuz I really really really really _really_ want that step.  If _you_ want it."

He decided to just take her words at face value.  "You bein' good with things... it makes me feel better about doin' it.  So don' worry."  This time, she let him kiss her.  It was a good, long, dizzyingly-deep kiss that made him feel hot all over.  When he tried to come up for air, she wouldn't let him.  Or, rather, her tongue wouldn't let him... and it was no use trying not to get hard again.  But that was pretty much a given any time they sat this way, and he was the one who'd pulled her up like that.  _Good thing I like the torture..._

Ellie was all flushed when they finally broke the kiss.  She leaned her forehead against his.  "Mmm.  You better not be gone for eight days this time.  For _sure_ you have to be back before the wedding.  I don't wanna go without you."

He gently stroked her cheek with one hand while he ran the other one through her hair.  "I will be.  Should be under a week.  We might be all done then until we get more materials brought in, anyhow.  Jus' remember, in the winter we're gonna have a _lot_ of time together."  He was constantly telling her they'd have so much time together in the winter that she'd get tired of him.  That they'd spend days and days holed up in their little house to wait out a storm.  Truth be told, winter worried him a little; if they weren't together when a huge blizzard hit, how would he get to her?  What if he couldn't find her?  Joel might just keep her under house arrest the whole winter.  Problem solved.  But, no need to discuss that yet. 

"That's like three or four _months_ from now," she complained.  "Longer than we've even been together!"

"No it ain't.  It was last summer when--"

"I mean _together_ -together.  Oh my God..."

"What?"

"I don't know how many weeks it's been!  I lost track!"

Joel chuckled.  "Good, 'cause it's a bit much to celebrate our anniversary every week."  He was thankful he wasn't expected to come up with some kind of heartfelt gift that often.

She didn't seem to have heard him; she was counting.  "What's today... Joel!  It's Thursday!  Happy six-week anniversary!"  She pulled his face to hers and kissed him excitedly.

He grinned at her.  "I knew that.  That's why I picked this day to be home."

"You did?  Really?!"

"...No.  It sounds good, though, don' it?" 

She groaned theatrically.

"Hey, you didn' remember, either.  Forget the weeks thing.  Let's do months."

"Okay, fine.  And winter is still _months_ away."

"They'll fly by, trust me."

"Not if they go like the last eight days did!"

Joel forgot sometimes that time passed much slower for Ellie, that she was young enough for a single year to be a significant portion of her life.  Even as old as Joel was, those days without her _did_ pass by slower than normal days.  "Keep yourself busy an' you'll be jus' fine."

"But I'll still be thinking about you all the time," she said, a bit whinily.  She never used to whine about anything.  He wasn't sure when that had started.

"I know, but... maybe try somethin' new?"

"Like what?"

"I don' know... somethin'.  You're interested in lots of different things... your life shouldn' revolve around me anyhow." _...the way mine revolves around YOU_.

"But I like it that way!" she pouted.  "Why don't _you_ like it that way?  And I do lots of other things.  You're just like... my favorite thing.  Isn't that allowed?  You're my... boyfriend... type person."

Joel chuckled.  She knew he didn't like that word.  'Boyfriend' sounded so damn _young_.  "More like oldmanfriend."

"You're not old!"

"It's easier to say than... middleagedmanfriend, though."

She giggled.  "You're my Joel, then.  So am I your girlfriend?  Youngwomanfriend?"

"You're my Ellie."

"Which is _better_ than a girlfriend."

"Right."

"Okay.  But, um..."

 _Uh-oh..._ They'd been doing so well!  But now she had that... _look_ , again.  "What?" he asked warily.

"She called you baby."

He exhaled.  "So?  That was just like a... in-the-moment thing, I think."

"She doesn't call you that all the time?"

He laughed.  "No!"

"Do you wish _I_ would call you that?"

 _God_ , was she adorable.  He pulled her close.  Squished her and made her squeal.  "I wish you would forget this whole thing."

"Cuz I don't know if I could do it.  Call you that."  She settled more comfortably in his lap, leaning her head against his shoulder.  "You don't seem like a 'baby' sort of person.  But you call me baby girl, so... if we're gonna do a matching thing, I would call you baby boy?"

Joel laughed again.  _Baby boy?!_   "Nooooo, baby girl.  Call me by my name.  Please."

"But you're supposed to have a nickname, like sweetie... honey... darling... I've heard Tommy and Maria call each other babe... ?"

"Please jus' call me by my name," he repeated.  He couldn't easily imagine Ellie using even those generic nicknames.

"Okay.  But..."

As tempted as he was to end this conversation by kissing her, he still got the feeling that she needed to talk through the Sophie thing a little more.  _And this shit ain't so hard after all_.  "What?"

She tilted her face up a little.  "What did she mean when she said... a man like you can't be happy with... what?  She was talking about sex, right?  A man _like you_..."

"I'll tell you what I told her -- she don' know anythin' about me.  I don' know why she said it like that.  I _am_ happy.  With you."

She nodded, then buried her face in his neck, and he could tell she was hiding an emotional response... _more tears she can't let out?_   He ran his fingers through her silky hair.  "You're the only one I want to be with, even if all we ever do is sit like this.  'Cause it's _you_ I want.  Not the sex."

"I know."  He hoped she did truly know, this time.  "But we're still gonna do... the sex stuff," she affirmed.

"...'Cause that's all you want _me_ for, yeah?"

"Yep!"  She giggled.

"You gonna dump me after I sleep with you, then?  Is that it?"

"Why would I do that?!"

"That's jus' how it's done."

"That's stupid.  If all you want is sex, and you wait and wait and the other person finally gives it to you, why would you dump them when they're finally giving you what you want?"

"Well, see, you're a lot smarter than everyone else.  If you were gonna do that to me, I'd never sleep with you.  Jus' to make you stick around."

"Don't worry!  You don't have to do that!"  She lifted her head from his neck and gave him the brightest smile.

She was still rather giggly when he started kissing her.  Ellie wasn't all that hard to figure out, really... or to please.  She just needed love.  Lots of it.  And that was something he was able to give her in abundance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the lovely **[nodonttouchme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nodonttouchme/profile)** created the first fanart I've ever received! And it's awesome! Painted in watercolor. Check out [Joel and Ellie's little heart-to-heart on the back porch](https://imgur.com/Qd3wqv6) :D


	5. How to Be the Woman of His Dreams

With a promise not to inflict bodily harm, Ellie managed to convince Joel to let her go back to Skank #1's house alone after he'd left town -- because she didn't want to waste any of their precious little time together in the presence of that bitch.  She just had to remind herself that she had the upper hand, no matter what the stupid slut thought, and it wasn't Ellie's problem if the woman suffered from delusions of being with Joel... that shit was never going to happen.

Skankypants was sweet as could be when Ellie showed up on her doorstep.  Ellie wasn't fooled.  In fact, she was just as fake-sweet right back to her.  And she tried not to think about how much better the older woman's body was than hers.  She'd never particularly noticed what a nice ass she had before, but she did now, as she followed her up the stairs... _did Joel notice?_... _WHATEVER -- it doesn't matter._   Joel didn't care about nice asses.  He wasn't as shallow as that, and she needed to give him more credit.

And although she knew it was probably totally unnecessary, she took it upon herself to... _sanitize_ every last one of Joel's tools.  _Cuz you never know..._

She didn't know how she was going to make it through the next however-many days of Joel-lessness.  It definitely helped to not sleep in their bed.  She couldn't imagine staying in that house all by herself... way too depressing.  But Annie's family was cool, and so far she hadn't had any nightmares there at the farm.  She was having less of those now in general. Less panic attacks, too.

Since Esther and Will (Annie's fourteen-year-old brother) weren't looking at her funny, Ellie assumed Annie had kept her word and not told them about her 'crush' on Joel.  Now Skankytwat undoubtedly thought Ellie had a crush, too.  Ellie hated being the subject of others' pity -- especially when it was so misplaced! -- but she could tolerate it.  She had to, for Joel's sake.  And she figured that now she could at least be _somewhat_ honest with Annie about her feelings… maybe they could talk, the way they used to talk and scheme about 'Leo'...

But she'd been wrong about that.  Annie had said Ellie could talk to her, sure, but how could she help Ellie with what she needed now -- sex tips?!  How to be in a relationship with an adult and not act like a fucking kid?  And the really unfair thing:  if anyone thought _Joel_ had a crush on _Ellie_ , they wouldn't think it was cute, or feel sorry for him -- they'd be completely disgusted and think he was a pedophile.  Even her dear friend Annie would think that, unfortunately.

Ellie knew that, because she'd tested the waters a little.

_"Annie, why do you think it's SO HOPELESS that Joel could ever... like me back?"_

_"You know why -- because he's like your father?"_

_"LIKE.  And not even all that much like.  But he's NOT my dad, and he never will be."_

_"Don't say that... maybe after a while, if you meet someone else, or..."_

_"No.  No matter what happens, he'll never be my dad, Annie.  It's not like, a BAD thing... why do you look so sad?"_

_"Because that's what you wanted... right?"_

_"No -- I want him to... well, you know."_

_"Ellie, you have to get over that.  He's never going to look at you that way!"_

_"Why not?  I'm not his daughter!"_

_"He's still like forty years older than you!"_

_"Thirty-four-and-a-half, actually, but age doesn't matter!"_

_"Yes it does.  It does when you're so young.  Even if you were like twenty, it would be kinda creepy, but... fifteen?!"_

_"Lots of couples in this town have a big age difference.  It's no big deal!"_

_"Not THAT big..."_

_"So what age would it be okay?  How many years' difference?"_

_"Um... I dunno?  Ten or fifteen, MAYBE, but you're still a teenager--"_

_"So is Amanda, and I've never once heard you say HER relationship is gross.  And that's twenty-three years' difference.  Who decides when it's too many years?  It's different for everyone.  The people in the fucking relationship are the ones who decide."_

_"Nineteen is different from fifteen."_

_"Not very!  I'm a teenager, she's a teenager.  Joel's in his forties, Dexter's in his forties."_

_"Joel's fifty."_

_"Not yet!  But what I'm saying is AGE DOESN'T MATTER.  It's the people BEHIND the numbers that matter.  I thought you would understand.  YOU had a crush on an older guy."_

_"Yes, and it would've been wrong for him to actually do anything about it.  I get that now.  I was only thirteen!"_

_"Well, I'm fifteen.  And a half.  AND an old soul.  You said so yourself!"_

_"...huh… maybe that's why you fell for him.  Still, that doesn't mean you guys should..."_

_"I seriously don't see what's so wrong with it."_

_"Maybe YOU don't, but if he felt that way... about a teenager... it's just sick.  I don't think Mom would want to be his friend anymore."_

_"It's not sick!  And why should your mom care who he likes?!"_

_"Well, I might be wrong, because she IS fond of Joel... but... see, at the place we lived at before coming here... I was really little so I barely remember, but there was this disgusting man--"_

_"But JOEL'S NOT DISGUSTING!"_

_"No, but he would be if he felt like THAT--"_

Ellie had had to end the conversation there because she couldn't stand for Annie to even think of a hypothetical Joel that way.  Once again, she was reminded of the importance of keeping their secret.  And Annie and Esther were _friends_ of theirs; what about the people who didn't even like Joel to begin with?!  -Like her friend Max.  He'd been grossed out at the thought of Joel 'using' Ellie, as if Joel was making her feel obligated to sleep with him or something.  She'd set him straight, of course, and at the time, nothing had even been going on at all -- he'd simply jumped to the wrong conclusion.

It really bothered her that people could be so judgmental without reason.  Even people like Annie, who were really sweet and kind.  She'd felt bad about upsetting Ellie, and had tried to talk to her again later.  It obviously pained Annie to try to explain it to her.  And she _couldn't_ explain, because it made no sense.  Ellie had told her how great Joel was to her -- and Annie had observed it herself... how sweet and considerate and stuff.  Why would those qualities suddenly vanish if he had ~those~ feelings for her?  Why would he suddenly be a disgusting pervert, simply for reciprocating her own fucking feelings?!  All Annie knew was that it was gross, wrong, creepy, perverted, and so forth.  She seemed to think that the way Joel treated Ellie was proof that he _wasn't_ a filthy perv 'like that'... that if he felt anything sexual for her, he would be different... it made Ellie want to _scream_.  If only she could share the secret, maybe she could change Annie's mind about that!  But she was also terrified that it wouldn't change a thing, and her sweet Joel would be viewed as a pedophile by all of Jackson.

And, of course, then Annie would tell her not to worry... that she knew Joel wasn't really like that, and they liked him a lot, no need to get upset.  That he wasn't a pervert.  That he'd never feel that way about Ellie.

_Yeah.  Great._

Annie hadn't grown up in Joel's time, of course; her attitude must have come from her mother.  At least Ellie could empathize a little more with Joel, now that she had a better grasp of the inner demons he faced.  He'd grown up in that world that had taught everyone it was wrong... that somehow his love for her, which was good and pure and true, would fuck her up, and make him a horrible person.  Maybe he didn't care so much about the horrible person part -- or he was at least accustomed to thinking of himself that way over the past couple of decades? -- but he certainly did care about not fucking Ellie up.  ... _literally.  Pfff._  

Ellie knew it would be wrong if she didn't return his feelings, or if she wasn't old enough to understand her own feelings -- like, eight or ten or something?  Prepubescent?  But she was definitely old enough.  And it was always _her_ pushing _him_ , never the other way around.  She could probably fucking _rape_ Joel, and somehow it would be entirely his fault.

The thought was mildly amusing... not so much in terms of actual rape, of course, but... if she knew what she was doing, couldn't she... sort of kinda _maybe_ force Joel into... doing what he clearly already wanted to do anyway?  Then the burden would be off him, wouldn't it?  But… was she thinking like a rapist now? 

... _Yes.  Not cool, Ellie._  It had to be his decision.

Mostly she just wanted to be _good_ at whatever Joel was ready to do, because if she sucked at it, he'd decide that either she wasn't ready, or that he really didn't like it so much himself -- and either way, he wouldn't want to do that stuff with her anymore.  He might say it wouldn't matter, that all she had to do was 'be herself' and all that bullshit -- Ellie knew better.  Because if he wasn't into it, for whatever reason, there wouldn't be any more happy anticipation of the next step.  It might make him question whether they should even be together at all.  Maybe he'd start taking a closer look at skanks with nice asses and/or big tits, and wonder if maybe they could make him happy in ways that Ellie couldn't...

He didn't think that way now, maybe, but it would be different if... if he _knew_.  If they had tried and failed at this sex stuff.  It was almost enough to make her afraid of taking another step.

But that was chickenshit and childish, and she also had to prove to Joel that despite her age, she was a fucking _adult_.

And a _fucking_ adult: an adult he could fuck.  _Yes.  A REAL girlfriend!_

Besides, she could stay busy like he'd suggested, but she was still going to obsess about Joel, and busying herself with some sex research would be nice fuel for that obsession.  It wasn't as much fun without Annie's help, without her there to laugh with and puzzle things out with... but even if Annie hadn't been all 'that's gross' about Joel and her, it would have been really insensitive to ask for her help with that, since her asshole ex-boyfriend had dumped her recently when he found a skank who put out. 

Tempting though it was to make some excuse to Clicker and get a jump on her 'studies,' Ellie spent the afternoon with him in the library.  When their computer time was up, and she'd finished story time with the little kids, he invited her over for dinner.  She declined the offer; her dinner plan was to snatch some of the movie popcorn and smuggle it down the hall into the magazine room (a no-no, but who was really going to care?  Since Ellie worked in the library, she could pretty much go anywhere she liked and no one paid her much mind).

Back when Ellie was trying to make Joel see her as a potential girlfriend instead of a daughter, she'd come across a lot of interesting shit.  It had been hard for her not to get distracted by articles that had nothing to do with her current plight... she imagined this time would be no different, but she had more time to kill now, so it was all good.  She just wished she could remember where all the sex advice was, because she hadn't wanted to get too ahead of herself and thus, had only skimmed most of that the first time through.

One of the first articles Ellie came across was "5 good reasons to wait" -- about waiting to lose your virginity.  Ellie had no real reason to read it, since she'd decided ages ago that she _was_ going to give her virginity to Joel whenever he decided to take it... but she was curious.  Maybe she could use it in arguments with Joel!

_"1) You're not ready."_  Ellie scoffed at that.  Wasn't that sort of all-encompassing and redundant?  Like the article could have been called "5 reasons you're not ready for sex yet."  She was _so_ ready.

_"2) He's not Mr. Right."_   Ellie scoffed at that, too.  She felt a sort of... superiority, when she thought about how the girls reading this might not _know_ if they're with the right person.  Obviously, it made sense to wait if you didn't love the guy or he didn't love you.  Unless that wasn't important to you.  But it was important to her, and again, she had no doubts. 

_"3) Sex won't save your relationship."_   That one piqued her curiosity a little more.  Not that she thought her relationship was in need of saving... but it was a little closer to one of the reasons why she wanted her and Joel to do it -- so that maybe she wouldn't lose him to someone he _could_ fuck without reservations.  Deep down, she didn't _really_ think Joel would be like that... but it wasn't one of the things she was absolutely certain of.  She read through the paragraph and was able to _'pfff'_ at some of it as not being applicable:  Joel obviously wasn't pushing her, nor was he going to dump her after he 'got what he wanted' -- just like Joel had mentioned yesterday!  He hadn't explained the whole thing.  It made a little more sense now.  Like fucking her would be some sort of contest and when he 'won,' it was over?  Since she was in the role of 'pusher,' she figured it was implied that she would dump _him_ \-- yeah, not a problem they had.

The part she liked basically said that if a girl only wanted to sleep with a guy because she thought she'd lose him if she didn't, a guy who would dump her for that reason isn't one she should want to have her first experience with anyway.  Like with Annie and Jacob!  Annie had been _right_ to be wary of him... to want to wait.  Ellie couldn't help feeling lucky, for about the zillionth time, that she was with Joel and not some creepy loser, the type all these other poor girls had to put up with.

_"4) It's against your morals."_ Well, that was easy to dismiss -- it sure as fuck was _not_ against her morals to have sex with the man she loved.  _This one's actually for Joel,_ she snickered to herself.

_"5)  Sex can be risky."_   This one was about diseases and pregnancy.  Again, not applicable, because neither of them had any sex diseases, and Ellie had already asked him about the pregnancy thing.  After wasting a good couple of minutes reiterating how their whole conversation was purely hypothetical and did not mean they were going to have sex any time soon, Joel had explained _pulling out_ to her.  Problem solved!

_Well, if that was a test, I passed it!_  When the subject of her readiness came up again, she could recite all this to Joel, and he would have to admit that she was fucking _ready_.

As Ellie flipped through some of the magazines, annoyed at mentions of school and parents and a culture she couldn't relate to, it occurred to her that she really shouldn't bother looking at teen magazines.  Joel was a man, after all, and she was his woman -- or was trying to be -- so she needed something more mature.  This revelation alone made her feel quite grown-up.  _I'm a teenager, but I'm going to read magazines meant for adults!_

Ellie scanned the women's magazines, skipping past the ones full of home decorating tips and recipes until she found a set that had SEX mentioned at least once on every cover.  It made her blush, just pulling those over to the table.  In fact, she thought better of putting the teen magazines away; she grabbed three of them to use as cover in the unlikely event that anyone entered the room.  She kept one directly beneath the magazine she was really looking at it, so she could pull them both up together and lead a nosy person to believe she was reading the teen mag, and she placed two on top of the stack (two, in case the person picked up the top one for a quick look).

She flipped through them excitedly, but her excitement quickly waned as she kept not finding what she really wanted.  There was lots of stuff about birth control, diseases, sex toys... lubricants... lingerie... sexy undies... the only tips she was finding seemed to be specific to those things.  The sexy clothes weren't necessarily out of the question, but how could she get them?  It wasn't like she could get Millie, the town seamstress, to make her anything... she'd have to borrow from someone.  Maria, maybe? _She's pregnant, so obviously she and Tommy have sex..._ Ellie giggled to herself.  She couldn't ask Maria for help, though.  She'd have to just... raid her bedroom someday.  _Maybe when she starts getting too fat to fit into things, she won't notice anything missing?  Wow, what a creeper I am, thinking about looking through a woman's clothes for sexy stuff.  Yet people would think JOEL is the perv.  Pfffffff._

The other problem Ellie ran into with the magazines was that she would find something promising, like a teaser on the cover titled 'Wildest Sex Move -- and it's Klutzproof!' or '12 Genius Sex Tricks That Won't Seem Like They Came From A Magazine'... but then she'd eagerly flip to the right page only to find that the article had been ripped out!  She cursed the selfish readers who had come before her.  _She_ would never do such a-- _well, okay, maybe I would._   She wondered if it was someone who currently lived in Jackson, or whoever had owned the magazine in the first place... or whoever came in between.  Maybe there was one person in town who was hoarding _everything_ \-- the sex articles, the magazines with naked people in them, sex books, and the 'adult videos.'  The thought amused her.  _Too bad I told Joel I wouldn't sneak into people's houses anymore..._ but some tenacious kid surely would have beat her to the search.  _Maybe I could just search the houses of people who have kids like, age twelve and over?  Haha!_  Anyway, if she came across anything complicated enough here in the magazine archives that she couldn't commit to memory, she now felt justified in stealing it, because she'd already been robbed of many good sex tips herself.  Except... if Joel ever found that... She decided she wouldn't steal it -- she would bring a notepad with her next time, and copy the instructions in code that only she would understand.

She had to admit, a lot of the shit might not have been very useful to her, but it was pretty fucking interesting to read about.  There was this new (er, new in 2002) $80 bra -- which the article implied was outrageously expensive -- that had a magnetic closure... _really?  People were too lazy to do the hooks?  Then why not get the kind you just pull over your head?_   But when she read further, she found that it was a safety precaution:  some guy had to have surgery after a regular bra gave him severe ligament damage... _from un-doing it?  Seriously?  THAT'S why people had surgery back in olden times??_   Ellie didn't think Joel would have that problem.  She wanted to share the story with him, and tease him about it.  To tell him that now she knew why he was afraid to take her bra off, and it had nothing to do with being a dirty old man... how he may have killed hundreds of men, yet he feared being done in by a bra.  But she didn't want him to ask her where she'd read that, and then ask her _why_ she was reading things like that... she decided it would keep for a while. 

She did the math to figure out how old Joel was in 2002:  eighteen.  She couldn't even picture him that young!  She wondered if his girlfriend at the time would have been into this $80 bra... _Oh, wait, if Sarah was 12 in 2013, that means she was a baby then... Joel was married!_   He hadn't just had casual girlfriends here and there -- he'd been _married_.  And he probably couldn't even remember being with a teenage girl who didn't know what she was doing.  She _had_ to impress him.  Or at least not make him laugh in her face.

She wasn't as concerned about her own pleasure as she was about her own failure... but she read about "New ways to get off" anyway.  There were some really odd ones, like biting into a cupcake ( _what the fuck?_ ), and a really gross one:  bury your face in his armpit and lick it.  _Ewwwwwwww!_  ...was that supposed to get _her_ off, or Joel?!  She wondered if he would be impressed with her sexiness if she did it.  If he would _want_ her to.  She didn't mind Joel's armpits when they were stinky.  They hadn't had deodorant on their journey from Boston, and they didn't get to bathe a lot, so both of them had reeked much of the time, especially in summer.  There was something comfortingly familiar about the smell to her now.  But... she'd never considered _licking_ him there.  _I'll have to think about that one_.

Another one she didn't think would be a problem for them, but what did she know?: Guys who couldn't keep it up.  There were apparently 'dos and don'ts for when it goes soft,' according to this guy, who Ellie assumed was some kind of expert.  She couldn't help snickering.  How could she _not_ read this shit?!

In the DO category: _"let things slow down naturally instead of just slamming the door on all activity / shrug it off and let us be the ones to hold you. It'll make us feel more comfortable and, perhaps, horny again / be enthusiastic if you're going to try and revive things with some oral action. Treat the floppiness like it's good because it gives you a chance to put this tasty thing in your mouth."_   Ellie had to read that last one twice.  _Tasty???_  She was already curious about what Joel's dick would taste like, but that just increased her curiosity tenfold.

And the last one made Ellie blush so hard she thought she might have turned purple: _"Just push our heads down there and beg us to lick you."_  That sounded a bit... rude, and gross, and why should the guy have to do that just cuz his dick went limp?  Was it like punishment?  She had to doublecheck that that was actually on the DO side... yep, it sure was.  _What the fuck?_

As for the DON'Ts: _"grab at it and try to solve the problem with a quick hand job. You're going to put way too much pressure on us, so then we'll be self-conscious and you'll still be holding Mister Softee / say "it's okay" or "it's not a big deal" - that's like announcing it on JAY LENO. / hold us sympathetically. This makes us feel like shriveled-up bitches / talk about why it's happening. It will just make us hear that conversation in our heads the next 12 times we're together."_   Ellie thought this expert guy sounded kind of... well, her first thought was 'like a jerk,' but then she wondered if that was how Joel thought.  If he was upset -- and she gathered that this going-soft thing was very upsetting for both parties -- why _couldn't_ she hold him and tell him it was okay and try to make him feel better?

She concluded that she and Joel had a _way_ better relationship than the dude who said all that shit.

And it wasn't like the girls were any better.  _"If you feel weird about how long it's taking to have an orgasm but don't want to stop until you do, fake one to take the pressure off and then say you immediately want to go again."_  So... it was weird if you didn't orgasm in a certain amount of time?  Like, how much time?  _Why doesn't anything tell me the important stuff like that???_   Ellie wondered what kind of pressure this woman meant... physically, or figuratively?  If it was physically uncomfortable, then faking one wouldn't take the pressure off, and you were supposed to just keep going after that?

She wondered if Joel would even know the answers to some of her questions.  She'd be better off talking to Maria about what it feels like on the woman's side of things.  _But how can I?  It would be SO weird to just start asking a bunch of hypothetical questions.._. and embarrassing as fuck.  She liked asking Joel embarrassing things, but she was really comfortable with him.  Would Maria think it was inappropriate to discuss these sorts of things?

Some of the stuff she read made her feel like a little less of a freak as far as liking both guys and girls.  Apparently, it was perfectly okay.  Like, you didn't have to stop liking one when you started liking the other... it wasn't necessarily either/or.  Ellie hadn't told Joel about Riley because... well, first because it had taken her months and months to even tell him she existed, and then she found she still didn't really want to talk about her.  Which was kind of weird.  And when she and Joel got together, it didn't seem like something she should share with him, because did he really need another reason to not have sex with her?  _"Oh, Ellie, you're really a lesbian so we'd better not do that."_ _...except, he would think it in a more Joel-like voice.._.  Point being, it wouldn't further her cause.  Now, the magazines made her wonder if she was wrong about that.  Maybe it wouldn't be a big deal at all.  But still -- Riley was really none of his business anyway.  And why would he want to hear about that?  She didn't really want to hear about his wife... not anymore.  _I hope Joel doesn't think about her anymore.  I want him focused on me.  ONLY me._

Other stuff she read was... well... _skanky_.  An image popped into her mind of a younger Sophie reading these articles, some of which made it sound like you should fuck anyone you feel like fucking.  If being slutty was considered _normal_ back in those days... and these people were knowledgeable enough about this stuff to get published, so it wasn't like just some skanks getting together to compare skankiness... _fuck, am I really just a TOTAL PRUDE?_   She'd never thought of herself that way.  Anyway, an article about 'token lays' -- four different types of guys to sleep with once, like just for the experience of it -- held her attention with the first type -- _"The older gentleman"_ \-- ha!  Ellie eagerly read that one:  _"He has tons of experience and can teach you new tricks. He will worship you just because you're young, so you can get away with a lot."_   Ellie was appalled at that.  What was this slut wanting to 'get away with'?  _Except she's not necessarily a slut,_ Ellie had to remind herself.  Not by the old times' standards.  Maybe she was just as judgmental as she claimed everyone else was.  _Am I a fucking hypocrite?_   _And don't I take advantage of Joel sometimes?  Ask him to do stuff... stuff he only does because he loves me and wants to make me happy?_   She vowed to be nicer to him when he came home. 

That magazine had a whole separate article about seniors and sex -- but all the people looked older than Joel.  Ellie read it anyway... read about one lady who could masturbate without her hands, who advised other women to do that at red lights.  Ellie wondered what lights had to do with anything, and why they had to be red.  _And what does she mean by 'AT'?  Like you have to face the lights?_   Weird.  Ellie's main interest in that article was finding examples of people with age differences similar to her and Joel.  If she found anything even remotely close, she would rip that sucker out and take it home to Joel as proof that such a thing _did_ exist back in his time... but all the women were a lot older than her, and the biggest difference in ages mentioned was only fourteen years.  Not close enough to thirty-four to convince Joel it was okay.  _Fuck!_ The pictures were amusing.  Old ladies in really short skirts, and men wearing tiny underwear Ellie was sure Joel would never wear -- or if he did, he wouldn't let someone take a picture and publish it for all the world to see!  One dude was naked, holding a hat in front of his junk.  _What does it LOOK like under there?!_ she wondered.

She tried to imagine Joel in the guy's place, with the same cheesy smile on his face.  It made her burst out laughing -- and she really couldn't even imagine it!  He would be glaring at that camera hard enough to break it.  Maybe he'd even shoot the damn thing.  _And now I better not think about this the first time I see him naked, cuz I CAN'T laugh then!_   She knew how _she_ would feel if Joel laughed at her naked body; she would never hurt him like that.

Ellie wasn't having much luck finding how-to tips, but she did find a couple tidbits that she was supposed to keep in mind while having sex: _"don't forget to breathe, cuz if you take short little breaths, your kidneys, heart, and lungs are like 'enough of this shit' and they cut off the orgasm"_ \-- and -- _"flex your feet so you don't get foot cramps during sex -- also wiggle your toes and don't lift your legs up high."_ Ellie could handle those:  Breathe, flex feet, wiggle toes, don't lift legs. _Got it!_  Although that was kind of a lot to think about, if you were supposed to simultaneously be thinking about whatever you were doing as far as the actual sex...

She was a little disappointed in the 'worst sex ever' article she found.  She wanted to read examples so she could learn what _not_ to do, and thus avoid having bad sex, but all the stories had to do with something the guy did.  One guy came before the condom even went on, one wouldn't go down on the girl and then drooled on her after orgasm, one started whipping her with her own belt.  _Jesus.  Okay... not helpful!_

A little snippet (from when Joel would have been 19) was slightly more helpful: _"dirty talk is something you shouldn't engage in unless you're 150 percent sure you have a winning line.  If it tanks, everyone might as well put their underwear back on."_ Ellie couldn't imagine saying something dirty to Joel without cracking up anyway!  The accompanying story made her giggle: _"One time the sex was so hot I couldn't help but yell 'Do me!' over and over again. I swear, the guy stopped, kind of confused and annoyed, and said, 'Uh... I AM.' "_   _Ha!_   How mortifying.  Ellie wouldn't make that mistake.  _Note to self: shut the fuck up._

An article that started out promising but was ultimately disappointing:  "How to be the Woman of Their Dreams."  There were three different types, with labels Ellie didn't even understand.  The references to clothes, and television shows, and things that she could only assume were brand names of things she'd never heard of... kind of made her head swim.  She worked out that one of the types was for lesbians, which made the 'their' in the title fall into place a little better... it was interesting, but not helpful to her now.  For another one, she was supposed to have had at least two sex partners, but no more than ten.

Ellie actually flung that magazine across the room in frustrated disgust when she read that.  It made sense that a person who had more experience would be better at sex.  But how the fuck did it make any sense for her to go out and try to have sex with random people to make herself the woman of Joel's dreams?  And where did those numbers even come from?  If she'd had _one_ other partner, that wouldn't be enough, and if she'd had _eleven_ , it would be too many?  Who the fuck did these people think they were to tell another person how many people they should or should not sleep with?

She crossed her arms over the decoy teen magazine, burying her head in them.  _How can this be so different from what Joel told me?_ Joel had made it seem like it was perfectly okay that they didn't have sex.  That there was nothing wrong with them if they didn't.  He was stuck in the teen magazines, with _reasons to wait_ , while Ellie had moved on to _you must fuck at least two people but no more than ten_.  There was _nothing_ in those women's magazines that suggested they should wait.  It was sweet of him to try to lower himself to her level, but that just wasn't going to cut it -- she needed to raise herself up to his, because that's what it meant to _move forward_.  But to just... go out and fuck guys for _sport_ , the way some of those articles made it sound... she wasn't going to do that.  There was no way in hell Joel would _want_ her to do that. 

She wished she could show him some of the things she'd read.  She wanted to hear him laugh, to tell her it was all bullshit -- or if it wasn't bullshit, that the world was different back then, and none of it mattered anymore.  To tell her she was silly to be looking at this shit, that she was supposed to bring her questions to him and he would answer anything she wanted to know...

It would be easy to let him lull her into a false sense of security, but that was short-sighted.  He was good at it, sure.  She knew he loved her.  He loved her _now_ , but that didn't mean his feelings couldn't change.  _Just like Jacob and Annie..._ well, no, because Joel was nothing like that cheating bastard Jacob.  They'd discussed that already.  But that didn't mean he would always feel the same way about her as he did right now.  That he wouldn't get tired of having a girlfriend-type-person that he couldn't fuck.

Then again... Joel was kind of a closet romantic.  He'd written her a _song_ , for fuck's sake.  And she suspected he kind of liked the term 'making love,' which Ellie thought was cheesy as fuck.  _Maybe he's right... maybe we're just DIFFERENT, and it's okay... maybe he really truly IS okay with not having sex yet... maybe he'll love me the same whether we do or don't..._

But then again _again_... _knowledge is power, right?_  Maybe she wasn't going to go spread her legs for every guy in Jackson (or, not _every_ \-- no more than ten of them), but she hadn't been at this long enough to give up yet.  She did feel pretty fucking done for the evening, at least.  She would come back some other time.

Since that last article had left a bad taste in her mouth, she decided she'd find a better one to end the night with -- or just a snippet:

_"83% of men say they love it when their partner is, like, drill-sergeant tough in bed."_

Ellie's eyes widened at that one.  _Is that for real?  Eighty-three fucking percent?!_  Thinking about some of the drill sergeants she'd had back at school... did not exactly inspire any sexy feelings.  But then she thought about the way Joel liked it when she 'pushed him around'... he _had_ to be part of the 83%.  Joel... who had been Mr. You-Will-Do-Whatever-I-Say a year ago, on their journey.  A little giggle escaped her as she imagined barking at Joel to "FUCKING DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY"... that was hardly sexy!  Why would he want her to be a dick to him?  ... _Unless maybe the twenty was like... kisses or something?  Would he have to do whatever I said?  That might be fun!_

To order someone around, though, it kind of helped to know what you were doing.  Ellie vowed to absorb everything she could... like a big-ass sponge, and just hold it all in... _until Joel is finally ready to squeeze it all out of me!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't feel like cluttering up this chapter with footnotes or listing a bibliography here, but I busted out actual magazines for this (and can cite sources if the copyright police chase me down!) -- which I also did for "Accretion"'s "Dear Abby" chapter, though I didn't mention it there, whoops! I wasn't having any luck finding e-versions of printed magazines, and for authenticity's sake, didn't want to gank articles that were online only :)


	6. Missing -- Part 1

The electrical fencing work was nearly complete now, but there were plenty of cinder blocks and mortar left for Joel and the rest of the fence crew to pitch in on the wall project.  They weren’t able to obtain the quantity of fencing and barbed wire, or razor wire, needed to surround the whole farm as a security measure, so instead, they'd torn down the dilapidated paddock fencing and replaced it with electric (sans the barbs and razors).  It would work much better than the previous fencing as a barrier for the livestock... which, at the moment, there wasn't much of.  The group of people living there had unfortunately lost most of their crops and animals to theft.  The idea was to fortify the place, then transfer some of the livestock from the Jackson farms; Jackson could easily breed replacements in the spring.

First, they needed to erect a wall around the entire place… turn it into a castle.  The wall crew was destined to run out of materials before completion.  The military was actually helping them out with supplies (a marijuana bribe to the right bastard was all it took for him to bring your issue to the right table), but the next delivery hadn't arrived yet.  _The government always finds a way to fuck with us_ , Joel would think -- but, to be fair, any number of things could have caused the delay.

If Joel had to guess, he didn't think the work would hold out for more than another day or two.  Which was still a day or two too long away from Ellie... but he told himself it was a good thing.  For her, if not for him.  He was just fine with his over-dependence on her... and while he couldn't deny that he liked -- no, _loved_ \-- Ellie needing him, he wanted her to be... a little more well-rounded, he supposed.  Losing Ellie would absolutely destroy him, and he didn't want that to be true for her if she lost _him_... which was how it would ultimately go down, if there was any justice in the world.  Granted, that was a giant _if_ there.

One of the leaders of the little group of survivors had whipped up a nice big lunch of elk stew for everyone.  The dining table wasn't anywhere near large enough to accommodate them all, even with extra chairs squeezed in.  Joel never ate there.  He would have been fine going off by himself somewhere to eat, but usually, one or two of the guys sat close enough to him that conversation was expected.  Today, it was just Yasmany, out on the back steps.  He was six years younger than Joel, with a wife and a ten-year-old daughter back in town.  Joel didn't mind him so much because he wasn't into small talk.  Sometimes the dude would talk about his daughter, figuring Joel could relate… though of course, it was Ellie in the daughter role, not Sarah; Joel didn't make it a habit to discuss Sarah casually with people. 

Yasmany, like certain others in town Joel could think of, kept forgetting that Joel and Ellie had only known each other for about a year… that Joel didn't know what Ellie had been like as a younger kid.  And, although he still had some fatherly feelings for her, the non-fatherly feelings made him a bit reluctant to think about her being any younger, at times.  He didn't exactly wish her _older_... that was like wishing her life away... plus, he enjoyed her child-like qualities: her enthusiasm for things, her curiosity... her innocence.  When Yas asked him what Ellie had liked best in school, Joel was a little surprised to find that he had no idea.

"What's your best guess, then?" the other man prompted him.

Joel pondered that for a moment before answering.  "Well... I know she wasn' crazy about the soldierin' stuff... except for target practice.  That count as a subject?"

"Hey, why not.  Buffy's real excited about learning how to shoot.  I still think she's too young, but... no such thing these days, maybe."

The little girl was named after the Buffy that had popped into Joel's mind when he first heard her name -- the vampire-slaying one -- but she didn't look like that Buffy at all.  She had dark hair and dark eyes, just like her daddy.  Father and daughter both wore their hair in a ponytail much of the time, too… if the girl could only grow some face fuzz, she’d be the perfect ‘mini me.’  Joel glanced at the other man.  "I think Ellie said she was seven or eight the first time she shot a gun.  So your girl's a couple years behind."

Yasmany lifted the plastic tupperware container to his lips to drink what remained of his stew, then glanced at Joel.  "Ellie tell you about the time Buffy asked if she could shoot her gun?"

That was news to Joel.  "She did?  When was that?"

"Hmm... a month ago?  Just out of the blue asked her in the library one day."

"What did Ellie tell her?"

"That she had to get my permission.  Or Jean's.  Poor kid knew we'd say no.  She didn't even ask us, just told us about it at dinner that night."

Joel chuckled.  He was proud of Ellie for that; he could just as easily imagine her swearing the girl to secrecy and giving her a private lesson.  Maybe getting some lowlife creep like Max to help her get Outside for it so as not to attract attention in town.  Then again, he didn't think Ellie would sneak a kid out there away from safety, either.  He wondered if he should ask her about it.  Except she'd done the right thing, and clearly didn't need a lecture.  The version of Ellie that he imagined in scenarios like this was somehow linked to that niggling voice that made him worry about her for no good reason.

"She likes to read," Joel blurted in answer to the earlier question.  "So maybe that's what she liked best in school... readin'... or, whatchamacallit... English class.  That's what it's called, right?  Sounds funny now."

"Right?  'Cause they don't teach 'em the language... or how to speak it, at least -- how to write it, and read it, though... yeah.  Buffy just calls it reading and writing.  But really they only just have the one class there.  It's called _school_."

That was true.  Education in Jackson was pretty basic and unstructured, intended for either young kids or those who maybe never lived in a place where they could learn.  Ellie was at the age where because she already knew all the fundamental shit, she could pick a field of interest to study further... maybe do some kind of apprenticeship... but she seemed content with her farm and library duties.  Other than the 'harvesting crap,' at least.

Yasmany stood up.  "Catch you later, man.  West side, remember."

Joel was down to the dregs of his stew as well.  "It'll prob'ly be a couple hours still.  Save some bricks for me."  They'd eaten lunch a little later than usual, which Joel hoped would make the afternoon feel like it was going by faster.  The faster this whole job went, the better.  It was unbelievable, how much he missed Ellie.

He wasn't as experienced as the other man at masonry.  That was kind of the fun thing about Jackson:  they didn't have the manpower (or _woman_ power, as his invisible Ellie reminded him, although it was like 95% men) to divide people by specialization.  Given his background in carpentry, the jobs he was assigned most often involved working with wood, but he did end up doing other things.  Things that made him learn new skills.  Hell, even some of the carpentry jobs taught him new things.  Like how much of a pain in the ass it was that Jackson's frost line was nearly three times as deep as Austin's... and to have only manual post drivers... he'd had no idea how spoiled he was, back in the day.  And most of the time, the people he worked with on carpentry jobs weren't as experienced as he was, so he'd get thrust into a manager or mentor role there.  Sometimes, that was annoying as fuck, and he would rather have just worked alone, even if it meant taking longer to finish the job.  Other times, he didn't mind.  Like with nineteen-year-old Lucas, who seemed to have the disposition of an engineer more than a carpenter.  If ever there was a kid who should've had the opportunity to go to college, it was him. 

It took Joel less than two hours to finish his current job, and he decided to make a pit stop at the farmhouse before heading over to Yasmany's wall.  He had just finished filling his water canteen at the spigot around the side of the house when he heard Tommy's voice.  "Joel!  You out here?"

"Over here!"  Joel headed into the front yard.  Took a sloppy swig of water and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as Tommy approached... looking pissed off.  _Here we go... what now?_ But as Tommy got closer, Joel realized he wasn't pissed off -- just upset.  And he was carrying Joel's backpack... _what the fuck?_   A familiar panic threatened to take hold of him.  _Why is my first thought always the worst case scenario?_   "What is it?  What's wrong?"

"Jus' got a call from Theo on the walkie," Tommy said grimly, tossing him the backpack.  "He had to ride out far enough to get a signal.  I need to go meet him halfway now.  Somethin' happened.  An' Joel... you'll wanna come with me."

_SHIT._   "What happened?" Joel hardly dared to ask as he shrugged into his backpack.

Tommy clapped a hand on his shoulder, then gestured for Joel to walk with him.  "C'mon.  Maria an' Yasmany are tackin' up the horses.  John -- John B. -- he took some kids out huntin', for a lesson... they were hit by Infected.  He's dead.  So is Earl's boy, Michael."

"Christ."  Joel started trotting towards the stables.

"The other two kids are missin'," Tommy continued, matching Joel's pace.  "No one's seen these Infected... no one we've heard from, anyway.  Joel, hold up a sec..." He waited for Joel to look at him.  "Ellie... was with them."

Joel's heart plummeted into his stomach.  "What?  No -- no, she'd be at the farm--"

"Maybe it was her day off," Tommy speculated.

Joel hadn't checked her schedule before he left.  Not that he even remembered what day of the week today was.  "She don' need huntin' lessons, though, why would she... you're sayin' she's one of the missin' kids?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"Her name was on the guard log.  The other one not accounted for is Yasmany's little girl."

"Shit."  Yas had just mentioned how excited the girl was to learn how to shoot.  He didn't say she was taking lessons, though, and Joel had assumed Yasmany would be teaching her himself... shooting, at least, as he claimed he wasn't much of a hunter... but it still fit.  Ellie, on the other hand...  "You're sure?  Sure it was Ellie?"

"Yes!  Why would I tell you if I wasn' sure?"

"Why _wouldn't_ you tell me if there was even just a _chance_ she might be in trouble?" But he didn't want to pick a fight with his brother right now.  They started trotting again.  "I jus' don' get why she'd be out there."

"…Maybe she was helpin' out?"

_How fucking weird is this after that lunch conversation?!_   Joel didn't want to believe it.  Ellie knew that Michael kid somewhat... from the house, as the family was over there regularly... _shit, Earl_... Joel felt a pang of grief for the boy's parents, but his thoughts rapidly switched over to Ellie again.  Ellie hadn't been hanging around the house lately since Tommy and Maria weren't there... maybe she'd seen the kid in the library, or even down at the farm (what with the extra help for harvesting), and he'd invited her?  Joel had never once heard her talk about Buffy, but maybe the little girl still wanted to shoot with her after they talked about it that day, so _she_ had invited Ellie?

_And I did tell her to keep busy_ , Joel recalled.  _Maybe that's all she was trying to do..._

The four of them were soon ahorse and headed back somewhat towards town, their direction skewed more west than southwest.  A lot of Tommy's horses had transported workers and materials to this sister farm, so it was no problem for each of them to have their own horse.  It would help them cover a wider search area in the least amount of time.

The plan was to meet Theo and follow him to the attack site, then fan out from there, hopefully with some tracks or clues to help guide them.  With any luck, they'd find the kids along the way.  Joel had to resist the urge to make the horse gallop the whole way; it was a fairly long ride back.

He couldn't help but remember the last time something like this had happened... Joel hadn't had quite as far to ride then to start looking for Ellie, as they'd already gone from this farm back to the dam, and that's where Tommy had gotten the call about Ellie leaving town.  Now, he was about an hour and a half away from the dam, and though they were taking a different route (into the vast hunting territory), the time would be comparable -- it would likely be more than two hours before they even reached the dead bodies.  Two agonizingly long hours.  He'd been worried about Ellie last time, but the circumstances were different.  For one thing, he knew where she'd gone, he just had to find a way to catch up to her.  For another, she hadn't gone _missing --_ after a fight with Infected, no less.  Apparently they knew it was Infected who attacked them because there was a dead Runner at the scene, too.  Just one.  How many others had there been, and where were they now?

Joel didn't have all his gear with him, but at least he had more than what he carried around town.  Two guns, fully loaded, with a little extra ammo and a couple other explosive devices in his pack.  He wondered what Ellie had brought out here with her.  A gun, no doubt.  John's rifle had been found at the scene, although it was a good fifty feet or so away from his body, which struck Joel as odd.  Where had Ellie been when this happened?  How many Infected had ambushed them?  Enough that Ellie would grab the girl and take off running for their lives?

Maybe Ellie hadn't even been there... maybe she was just using the hunting lesson as a means to get Outside... _why?  To come see me?_  He'd only been gone four days.  She'd managed without him for twice that long, the first time.  She'd never been to the sister farm and only had a vague idea of where it was... not that that would necessarily stop her... and maybe she'd found someone in town who could describe how to get to the farm.  Joel had asked if they'd taken any horses out, and Tommy didn't get on the walkie to ask Theo if he knew -- he just said he doubted it; the horses were all in use these days.  Even Ellie's favorite, an ornery beast named Spirit, wasn't available for her to ride in the afternoons.  The horse had grown on Joel some, but he had to admit, Spirit didn't possess the ideal temperament for field work... Ellie probably could have talked Esther or whoever down at the farm to part with him, if she'd wanted.  Or maybe she intended to walk the entire way.  It wasn't like they hadn't walked thousands of miles farther.

Or was this just wishful thinking on his part, hoping that she wasn't with the group?  Whether or not Ellie was out there alone or with another little girl, she could be in danger no matter what she was doing.  He had to remind himself that this was _Ellie_ , not some helpless kid; she could take care of herself.  He would just feel a whole hell of a lot better if he was able to protect her.  And after what happened last time, hadn't she promised not to go Outside without him again?  He couldn't remember now if he'd actually made her promise that, or if it was just understood.  ...or _meant_ to be understood.  Sometimes one of them would assume things like that about the other, and then later find out they weren't on the same page about it.  If she was mad at Joel for being gone, maybe she'd think 'fuck that' anyway and just do what she wanted... and it wasn't like being mad at him would dissuade her from trying to find him, either.  With two of the party dead, they likely hadn't had much chance to react (would Ellie let her guard down out there?  Had she _forgotten_ already?), or it was a large enough group of Infected that Ellie and John couldn't hold them off.

Joel tried to stay optimistic; he couldn't allow himself to think anything gruesome had happened.  He just couldn't go there.  It would only drive him crazy, and he needed to stay alert and focused.  _Ellie might not even be out here at all_ , he reminded himself.  After Tommy had initially pumped Theo for a little more information on the walkie talkie, it was mostly quiet.  There was no need to talk amongst themselves, and the wind made conversation a bit difficult anyway.  Tommy and Theo occasionally checked in with each other on the walkie to gauge the other's location.  When it was estimated that they might be close to each other, they used Jackson's version of GPS:  Tommy would let out a 'whoop'-like call at the top of his lungs, then wait for Theo's reply on the walkie... or not, if they still weren't close enough.  It was better than wasting ammo to accomplish the same thing, especially when they didn't know how many Infected might be roaming in the area.  Tommy also insisted on being the one to do the yelling because of the threat of Infected; the four of them were better prepared to handle it than Theo as a single rider, should the call attract a group of enemies.

After the third call at intervals of about five minutes, Theo acknowledged that he heard it, and had them turn southwest.  Joel thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to put up some sort of signage throughout the area, something that would make pinpointing locations a little easier.  There was really no way to describe places to differentiate one from another... it was all trees and boulder-sized rock and shrubbery.  Not even any little houses or other landmark type things to go by, and the river was too far south.  But then, shit like this really didn't happen all that often... When they got even closer and Tommy shouted again, Theo hollered back, and in this manner, they finally found each other.

No Infected so far.  _Is that good or bad?_ Joel wondered as they followed Theo through the forest.  _Maybe Ellie's killed them all by now._   She really did have remarkable skills, and Joel felt more than a little proud of her.  He had taught her a lot in terms of mechanics and making the best use of her resources, so that gave him some bragging rights... but she’d already possessed qualities that couldn't be taught -- like guts, and smarts.

_She can protect herself just fine without my help_ , Joel tried to tell himself.  _But if anything happens to her... ... ..._

He kept himself in the present moment as much as possible.  Maria rode up alongside him at one point and asked how he was doing.  "You seem... calm," she observed.

"I ain't convinced she's really out here," Joel admitted.  That was what he wanted to believe, and it could very well be true.  "Maybe she took the little girl back to town."

"Maybe," Maria agreed.  "Or maybe she's on her way.  We're not in range yet for the gates to let us know... and Theo has North Gate's radio, so if they come in that way, we won't know it right away."

If Ellie was alone, and there wasn't a dauntingly huge number of Infected, Joel thought she'd be more likely to kill them than run; this was their home turf, and while it was technically the military's job to dispose of Infected, the citizens of Jackson took it upon themselves to keep the county clear.  It would be unlikely for them to come across any Infected beyond Stage 1 -- Runners, who were relatively easy to kill, at least in small numbers.  Ellie was immune, so physical contact with them wasn't as risky for her as it was for everyone else.  Not that they couldn't hurt or kill her -- it just wasn't game over for her if she got bitten.  But what would she do with a little kid in tow... particularly if the kid was traumatized from witnessing the attack?  And, again, maybe he only assumed this attitude as a given, but he'd tried to instill in her that it was okay to run... to let others play the hero, especially if she was greatly outnumbered.  They'd done it plenty of times on the road themselves.  _I do recall her rolling her eyes at me at least once during a conversation on that subject, though..._

And Infected weren't their only enemies, of course.  They were mindless monsters... and humans could be just as brutal, but far more cunning (the stupid ones didn't live long out there... unless perhaps they had smart companions).  Bandits -- or hunters, as he tended to think of them -- were much more likely to catch her off-guard.  To sneak up on her, perhaps wait until she was particularly vulnerable before attacking.  _They could also underestimate her_ , he reminded himself.  _They do that A LOT.  But... still.  I need to find her.  I won't be at peace until I'm holding her in my arms again._ Joel felt that part of his dependence on Ellie was due to the fact that he just never completely trusted that she was safe, even in town, unless he was with her.  Although that logic was flawed, too -- how many times had she almost gotten killed on their trip?  She wasn't necessarily 100% safe with him.  It was a mental thing; he _believed_ that she was.  _Felt_ that she was.  For that reason alone, he could never be truly content when not in her presence.  _But there's no reason to think there are any bandits/hunters/whatever-the-fuck... it's only Infected... -right. 'ONLY.'_

It took a while for them to ride back in to the right part of the forest, and then Theo still needed to find the exact spot.  They were close enough by then to call in to Jackson for an update -- no Ellie sightings.  "Can someone go check the farm or the library an' make sure she ain't there?" Joel asked Tommy.

Tommy shook his head.  "Her name was on the--"

"I know, but... maybe the guard was wrong.  Maybe they don' know what Ellie looks like well enough from the tower... maybe it was someone else who looked like her."

"Who else looks enough like her, Joel?" Tommy reasoned.

"I don' know!  Just... Hey!  Theo!"  Joel waited for the other man to slow his horse a little in response.  "You talked to them, right?  Who was on duty?"

Theo was slightly older than Joel, white-haired and grizzly.  A decent hunter and fisherman.  That was about all Joel knew about the guy.  "It was Billie and Josh," Theo answered, reining in his horse to a complete stop.  Everyone else circled back, too, so that they were all pretty much forming a ring.  "But they weren't on duty earlier -- it was Gavin who logged the outing."

Gavin... _does he know Ellie?_   Joel couldn't recall the two of them ever being in the same space, and Ellie had never mentioned him.  The dude may have had to ask Ellie her name in order to log it.  _Maybe it was someone pretending to be Ellie... SHIT, is that grasping at straws or what?!_ He could think of no reason for anyone to do that.

"Joel, I don' wanna panic the town by lettin' on that somethin's amiss out here," Tommy said.  "We jus' need to find the kids.  Hopefully the Infected, too, but I'm more concerned with findin' the kids.  You wanna head back an' see if Ellie's in town?  You go on.  Otherwise... I say we look for at least an hour or two first.  Or maybe Maria can go..."

Maria piped up immediately.  "No -- I don't want to go back until we know what we're dealing with.  We know about John, and Michael... but..."

"I don' wanna go back to town either," Joel chimed in.  "If Ellie's there, she's safe anyhow, an' whoever's out here..."  He sighed.  "It's prob'ly Ellie.  I'm jus' wastin' time tryin' to think of how maybe it ain't.  If your girl's out here..." He looked at Yasmany, who hadn't spoken a single word since they'd left.  "We'll find her."  He almost tacked on a 'don't worry' to that, but those ridiculous words died on his tongue. 

The other man looked pale and... blank.  He just nodded at Joel curtly and turned his horse away, back in the direction they were heading.  Joel followed suit, and Theo charged on ahead.  After a couple minutes of riding, Theo hollered back at them, "This way!  It's right up this hill, I know it!"

It was more of a slight incline than a hill, really.  Joel found himself growing a little more apprehensive as they continued to play follow the leader.  He'd encountered plenty of dead bodies in the past couple of decades... created plenty of them himself... he was fairly desensitized to the sight.  But one of these belonged to a child... that twisted his guts up a little more than the usual variety of corpse did.  The trepidation increased the closer they got.  And he knew Ellie wasn't there, he _knew_ that…

He knew that.  He did.  They wouldn't have gotten the description so wrong that she-- that maybe one of the bodies at the scene would actually be--

_Jesus Christ -- you gotta cut that shit out, Joel. She's NOT dead. You have to find her, and to do that, you have to keep your wits about you._ Imagining his baby girl that way was _not_ conducive to that.  He had to be strong.

Joel could see the carnage from a distance... and as he got closer, he felt a wave of relief wash over him:  Ellie wasn't there.  Her backpack wasn't there... nor any of her weapons, or anything else that belonged to her.  If she was out there, she would have a gun on her, at the very least; Infected didn't loot people's shit the way humans did.  Seeing the fresh corpses of the two Jackson residents, one around Joel's age and one only eight or nine years old... it made the tragedy _real_.  He couldn't look at them for more than a second.  _Whether it's Buffy and Ellie or two other kids, I have to find them... before THIS happens to them..._ they'd been alone out there for hours.  Possibly all day.  Probably scared shitless, possibly hurt...

And now he was cursing himself for not knowing exactly what Ellie's shoe prints looked like.  The grass was thick enough in places that it was hard to make out any tracks in the dirt, but in those places, the trampled grass could be some indicator of direction.  Joel didn't have the patience to try to decipher all that right now.  He wanted to search the woods... to cover as much area as he could in the least amount of time -- to keep fucking _moving_ \-- not scrutinize the land inch by painstaking inch.  Hopefully, it wouldn't come to that. 

One path was more easily identified as a good trail to follow: the grassy one that was dotted with blood.


	7. Missing -- Part 2

The problem with the blood trail was that it ended all too soon, and it didn't lead them very far away from the attack site.  Whoever had gotten injured didn't appear to be hurt badly enough to bleed profusely.  Obviously, that was good if it was one of the kids... but it could just as easily be from an Infected.  Theo wanted to assist in the search as well, so that gave them five people -- five different directions to go.  And Theo was better at tracking; Joel was content to let the man slowly decipher the smudges in the dirt while he and the others simply fanned out on horseback to look for the kids.  Maybe Theo would find something they'd overlooked.  Tommy and Maria hung back, too, for a different reason... Joel only caught a little of their conversation as he took off, but he gathered that Tommy was trying to talk Maria into going home instead -- probably because she'd retched at the scene.  "I'm fine!" was the last thing Joel heard her say -- or yell, rather.  _All right, so maybe only four of us will be searching... although my brother sure is gonna have a hard time getting that woman to take it easy._

Joel had suggested that Tommy get the doc to tell her, in a _doctor's orders_ sort of way, that she needed to rest more, and not do strenuous things like horseback riding; as it turned out, Tommy didn't have to, because the doctor had already cautioned her about riding.  Apparently the risk increased greatly after the first trimester, and this last trip out to the sister farm was meant to be her last until after the baby was born, as they weren't sure how far along she was.  No pregnancy book would explicitly advise against fighting Infected, but it was common fucking sense to read between the lines there.  The woman was stubborn, but she wouldn't take unnecessary risks that could jeopardize the baby, and Joel was pretty sure Tommy would win this one.  He knew Tommy would feel a lot better with Maria being confined to the town, at least, even if she wasn't exactly lounging around the house doing nothing.

If it were up to Joel, Ellie would never leave town, either, for the obvious reason that bad shit was much more likely to happen outside of those fortress-like walls.  She'd finally been able to have a normal life, these past few months.  A _good_ life.  Joel knew he worried about her more than was considered normal or healthy... and now it increased tenfold, knowing she was Outside.  _Did she come looking for me?  I never should've left.  Fuck that farm --  Ellie's my number one priority.  I've gotta find her..._

Yasmany headed northwest, Joel headed north-ish... northeast, but not quite the same direction they'd just come from.  They couldn't simply follow the general trajectory of the blood spots, because the blood-shedder could've gone any-which-way from the last spot there... but north by some degree seemed the most likely direction, as the blood trail led them north and a little east, although just before the trail vanished, it zigzagged to the west.  Had they been fleeing an attack from the south?  That was the Jackson side... but they were far enough away from town that he wouldn't rule anything out.  They hadn't seen any Infected as they rode in from the east, but again, it was a large, wide-open area... Joel was operating under the assumption that whether Ellie joined the hunting party under false pretenses or not, if she was with them once shit hit the fan, she would try to get to him... and she had a ballpark idea of where the sister farm was.  The other option -- heading back to Jackson -- was probably more practical, but if she'd done that, she should have made it by now... _unless she's hurt?_

There was also the chance that she'd gotten lost.  The sky was overcast now, but it had been pretty sunny most of the day... at least where Joel was.  He didn't really know how varied the weather would be within that span of miles.  Sunny enough that a kid with good direction sense would be able to tell where she was going, though... _right?_  Or... what if she'd gotten separated from the little girl, and had to go look for her?  Joel could tell her to run all he wanted... tell her to save herself, even at the expense of others... but he didn't think Ellie would leave a child behind.

Every minute or so, Joel called out her name.  He didn't care if it drew the Infected to him.  Hell, he _wanted_ it to, assuming the pack wasn't too huge for him to handle.  He'd killed probably a couple dozen or so single-handedly in Swan Valley recently (and he liked to think he didn't actually _need_ the help he'd received towards the end).  It seemed unlikely that a large horde of the fuckers could hole up in these woods for any length of time, given all the hunting in the area.  Perhaps they were just passing through... and the patrols didn't happen to see them?  Small groups could escape their notice as well, though; Jackson didn't exactly have military precision and resources.  If the group wasn't large, Ellie could've dispatched them all by herself, he was sure of it... and there'd only been one Infected body at the scene.  Which made him think she wasn't ever with them.  _Am I being objective about this, or just really fucking hoping that it's true?_

Joel had been searching for maybe fifteen or twenty minutes when something in his peripheral vision caught his attention, and for the first time since the search had begun, he went into 'threat response' mode... but only for a moment.  He holstered his gun immediately after he'd drawn it.  What he'd seen was a ponytailed little girl... but her hair was too dark -- it definitely wasn't Ellie.  Most likely it was Buffy, though he couldn't recognize her from that distance.  She had ducked behind a large rock, perhaps not realizing he'd seen her... and not realizing he wasn't a threat.  He urged the horse to canter in that direction, and dismounted a good distance in front of the rock, so as not to spook her further.  Apparently she'd recognized him as he got closer, because she started running toward him before his foot even touched the ground.  _It IS Buffy -- and she ain't hurt!_ he thought with relief.

Joel was a little surprised when she hurled herself at him; he'd only seen her a handful of times, and had barely even spoken to the girl then.  Besides that, she had struck him as kind of shy.  "Whoa, easy," he said, chuckling a little as he hugged her back.  "Are you all right?  Let me look at you."  He pushed her back gently by the shoulders and quickly looked her over.  Dirty and disheveled, a few minor-looking abrasions... nothing serious that Joel could see.  Her T-shirt had a hole along a shoulder seam, but it was clean enough that he suspected it was a pre-existing one, not a new tear.  She seemed physically okay.  "Does anything hurt?" he asked her.

"No -- but -- but..." Buffy bit her lip.

"But what?  What is it, honey?"  ... _Is it Ellie?!_

She looked up at him with huge brown eyes shining with tears... she looked so scared.  Joel smoothed back a lock of hair that was plastered to her forehead; Ellie always found it soothing when he stroked her hair.  "I need you to be brave for me, all right?  Be brave.  Tell me what happened."

She took a shaky breath.  "It's Boo.  I'm not s'posed to... he's... He got bit by one of those things.  The Infected."

_Shit._  Joel vaguely recalled Ellie telling him once about a kid with that strange nickname, and the story behind it -- something to do with a little sister he liked to scare, not the slang definition -- but damned if he could remember who it was now.  He'd probably recognize the kid if he saw him.  "Where's he at?"

"I can't say," Buffy replied in a small voice.

Joel got the feeling she didn't mean it in the I-don't-know sort of way.  "You can't say.  Why not?"

She shrugged and looked away.

"We need to find him," Joel said gently.  "He needs... help."

"But I promised I wouldn't tell," Buffy confirmed Joel's suspicion.

"All right.  That's all right..." _Time for a 'sometimes it's okay to break your promises' spiel?_ Invisible Ellie would think that was a hoot. _Or_ _maybe I can get her on a technicality..._ "You don' have to tell me exactly.  Which way do you think I should go, if I want to find him?  Can you tell me that?  It ain't the same thing as leadin' me right to him."

Buffy hesitated, then pointed behind her.  "Over there... not real far.  He's hiding. ...Are you gonna kill him?" she added in a fearful whisper.

"No," Joel said immediately, although that was possibly a lie.  "What about you?  Any of 'em bite you anywhere?  Or scratch you real hard... anythin' like that?"

She shook her head.  "No... I got him away from there."

"You did, huh?"  _Oh God..._ "Did any of his blood get on you?"

"I don't think so…” She started pointing to various places on herself.  "This is mine... and this... Maybe this on my shirt?  I don't know what this is, here.  Maybe dirt."

Joel inspected the spot she was referring to; it was small, and looked like a mixture of blood and dirt, but it was dried, at least.  "All right.  After you got away, did you... help him with bandages or anythin' like that?"

"No.  He didn't want me near him."

_Good._   "Can I see your hands?" Joel requested.  They were filthy... and he couldn't tell for sure that she had no minor cuts on them.  Still, the chances of her getting infected that way seemed awfully slim -- especially if the only contact she'd made with the kid was prior to the infection beginning to spread through his bloodstream.  "Don't touch anythin'... not 'til after you wash your hands.  It ain't... sanitary.  You understand?"  Not that handwashing would help in that regard, but no sense in freaking her out. 

She was supposed to be quarantined when she got back to town, as a precaution, but Joel didn't know if they'd actually do it.  He and Ellie should've been quarantined when they got back from Swan Valley, too, as they had fought with Infected... and no one had even brought it up.  _Why not?  Because I'm Tommy's brother?  Because they reckoned we'd 'fess up if one of us got bit?  Because there haven’t been any problems with it in so long that no one enforces the rule... or even remembers it?_ If they ever got one of those scanner things that the military used, Ellie would never be able to leave town again -- or if she left, she could never get back in.  Not without revealing her secret.  But Tommy and Maria were aware of this, and he was sure they'd take it into consideration if presented with that option.  She'd also be fucked if it was ever decided that people needed to be searched upon re-entry to the town.  Although if Joel was with her, he could probably persuade whoever was on duty that the rule didn't apply to Ellie.  And by 'persuade,' he meant to make it clear that he'd beat the shit out of anyone who touched her or attempted to look beneath any of her clothes -- and doing so wouldn't even arouse suspicion, since it was common knowledge that he was protective of Ellie.

At any rate, Joel thought this little girl seemed perfectly innocent and nonthreatening, and he didn't think she was lying about not being bitten.  "So how did you get away?"

Buffy started talking at mile-a-minute speed, like Ellie did sometimes.  "I hit the monster on the head, with a rock, it didn't die, but it stopped- it stopped attacking, like long enough for him to get away, he had the knife and he cut him, but not good enough, and there were more coming and someone was shooting -- John I guess, I dunno -- the only thing I saw was – it was like – like -- they were coming, and the knife, it wasn’t -- I think he was as scared as me cuz we just started running as fast as we could -- it was like a family of them -- we were scared, and we didn't know what to do, like how to -- we just ran away -- I never ran so fast in my life!  We ran and ran and my side even started hurting but I couldn’t stop running – until we looked back and didn’t see them, and then we hid for a while just in case, but we didn’t see them after that."  The stream of words came to an abrupt halt.

"Good... you did good," Joel said approvingly.  He hadn’t quite followed the whole thing, but he got the gist of it.  He wondered how near she'd been to John, and the boy who'd been killed... did she know they were dead, or had she been waiting for John to come find her?  But more importantly-- "Where was Ellie when this happened?  Where is she now?"

The girl seemed a little confused by the questions.  "I don't know?"

"When did you last see her?"

"Like... yesterday, I think?"

"Yesterday!  You mean she wasn' with you?  She didn' come out here with you this mornin'?" Joel asked, his heart in his throat.

"No."

"You're sure?"

She nodded.  "Definitely.  I was the only girl.  Did you find Michael and John?  Are they okay?"

Joel didn't have the heart to tell her the truth.  "Yeah, we found 'em.  Your dad's out here lookin' for you.  In fact, I gotta signal that I found you.  Cover your ears, all right?"  The girl did as she was told, and Joel fired a round into a random tree behind him.  One shot meant kids, two or more meant Infected (and those were bullets that wouldn't get wasted on a tree).  He put the gun back in its holster and waited for Buffy to lower her hands from her head.  "We need to find your buddy."

"He might be gone by now,” she said solemnly.

"Gone?"

"Cuz of the bite.  He might, um... run away or something," Buffy suggested, sounding a bit sheepish... although Joel might have guessed as much, given the little guy's reluctance to be found.  "Maybe.  I dunno.  Maybe not,” she backpedaled.

_The poor boy must be freaking the fuck out_ , Joel thought grimly.  Well, Tommy could decide the kid's fate.  That's why he got paid the proverbial big bucks, as they say.  Joel just wanted to find the kid.  "How long've you been out here?  Since the attack, I mean." 

She looked at him blankly.

"Did it happen before lunch, or after?" he tried.

"Before.  _Way_ before.  I didn't eat any lunch cuz... we ran away from everything and John had the lunches in his bag.  It's been a reeeeally long time."

"You must be hungry, then... an' thirsty."  Joel offered her his canteen, then rooted around in his backpack.  "I have an apple, if you want it?"  He handed it to her when she nodded.  "Good.  So... it's been a few hours... more than a few -- maybe even eight or nine, yeah?"  Long enough that the boy might start to turn, but he might have a day or so yet.  The sun was just starting to set now, lengthening the shadows when it wasn't hiding behind the clouds.  The wind made it feel a bit cooler than it was... but so far, no rain.  Ellie would be cold... she wouldn't have thought to bring a jacket on a day excursion.  Unless she'd planned on it being more than that...

_Why the hell is Ellie's name on the log?_   _Did she leave AFTER this group, so her name's just on there right beneath theirs?  If so, who let her out by herself, and why?  No... there should've been another time stamp if she left after them._...Though it could've been an oversight... either at the time, or when they reported the names to Theo...

But -- first things first.  Joel slung the canteen back over his shoulder when Buffy had had her fill.  "Let's go look over there.  Did you see any more Infected after you ran away?"  She said she hadn't, but Joel kept a hand poised over el Diablo anyway; the shot he'd just fired from his revolver might attract some to the area, and they weren't exactly going to be quiet now, either...

"Boo!" Buffy yelled, in between bites of apple.  "Boooooooooo!  It's Joel -- Ellie's dad!  You can come out -- he's gonna help you!"

Joel felt a pang of guilt; there wasn't much he'd be able to do for the kid.  He wondered if the girl truly believed he could fix this.  That was part of the charm that kids had... the hero worship.  _It's a damn shame the hero thing is all just horseshit, and every kid has to learn that bitter truth sooner or later_.  Buffy was old enough to know what it meant to get infected, though... "How old is he?" he asked her.

"He's nine.  Boooooooooo!  Where'd you go?"

Joel called out to him as well.  "It's okay, kid!  I ain't gonna hurt you.  I'm here to take you home!"  He was already on high alert, simply from being Outside, so any movement would draw his attention.  He checked the more obvious hiding places, like behind or beneath shrubbery, or the kid-sized pockets in some of the rock formations...

Nothing... until one such formation that he didn't even have to search -- a boy with freckled cheeks and shaggy brown hair jumped out in front of them before they reached it, perhaps in anticipation of being found and cornered.  He was maybe twenty or thirty feet in front of them, and he did look a little familiar to Joel.  "Don't!" cried the kid, even though Joel wasn't about to _do_ anything in particular.  The boy was holding a hunting knife in front of himself like he was wielding a sword, his hand trembling.

Buffy was about to run toward the kid, but Joel quickly grabbed her arm to prevent that.  Not like the kid would instantly turn or anything, but... still.  "Buffy, why don' you jus' stay back here with me... behind me."

"I just wanna give him the rest of my apple!" she protested.

"Let me do that.  Are you hungry, son?" Joel held his palm out to the girl, and Buffy handed over what remained of the apple.  He looked pointedly at the weapon in Boo's hand.  "How 'bout I trade you for that knife?"

"No!"  No hesitation there.  “I don’t care about your stupid apple.”

_He doesn’t trust me.  Can’t blame him for that; I wouldn’t trust me either._   "Please... I ain't gonna hurt you," Joel repeated.

"Boo, it's okay," Buffy chimed in.  "He's one of the good guys.  My dad works with him, so he's okay."

Joel found her logic there a bit suspect, but now wasn't the time for life lessons on that topic.  He took slow, deliberate steps towards the kid.  "You don' need that knife..."

"Yeah right," snapped Boo.  "Didn't she tell you?  Look at my neck!  Look at it!"

Joel could see it from where he was:  the puncture wound that would seal the poor kid's fate, the tendrils of blood forming a scarlet spider on his neck... a spider in a nest of ugly boils.  Boo had other wounds, too... Joel noticed his T-shirt was torn and bloody on one side, and there was a hole in his jeans, which were also bloodied.  The cartoon image on his shirt was patchy and faded, but Joel could make out the characters -- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Nothing appeared to still be bleeding... at least not copiously.  It may have been this kid's blood that dotted the ground near the attack site, with his clothes absorbing most of it (if he wasn't infected, Joel would've wanted to take a closer look and see if stitches were in order anyway, but...).  The boy's hands were also crusted with blood.  It sickened Joel a little, to see that much blood on a child. 

Joel stopped moving forward.  "How about I just toss the apple to you then, hmm?  Like playin' catch."

Boo stared at him for a second... and apparently decided it wasn't a trick.  "Okay..."

He lobbed it to the boy.  Boo caught it with his free hand and started gnawing on it.  Buffy still wanted to get closer to him, but Joel held her back.  "It's worse... right?" she asked Boo.

The kid took a few tentative steps toward them.  His eyes were light in color... hazel, or gray... and they were shiny with tears.  "See for yourself.  This is... this is probably the last..."  He interrupted himself by biting hard into the apple as the tears started sliding down his face.

Buffy was a little sniffly, too.  "It's bigger now!  Can you do something?" she pleaded to Joel.  "Can you stop it?"

Joel sighed.  "No."  He tried to make eye contact with Boo.  "But I can bring you home, to your family."  It was against Jackson protocol to bring an infected person Inside, but... he was just a little boy... surely someone, maybe multiple someones, could guard him.  Someone who could do the deed when the time came.

"No you can't!  The guards will kill me!"  Something in his eyes shifted... hardened.  "I'm running away.  I have to."

"No!" Buffy cried.  "You'll turn into one of those monsters!"

Boo scowled.  "That's better than dying!"

"But then you'll-- you'll _kill_ people!" she replied plaintively.

"I _don't wanna die!_  I'll go far away.  Away from town.  You can pretend you never found me."

Joel's heart ached for the boy.  How could he explain to him that when he turned, he wouldn't even _exist_ in the way that he knew?  That death was the better of two incredibly lousy outcomes?  "You don' really wanna do that," Joel said slowly.  "You didn' run when you could have."

"Cuz of me -- I was scared of being out here by myself," Buffy explained.  "And he at least has that knife, see."

The thought of the two kids alone in the forest, scared of the monsters that might find them, the infected one protecting the other... Joel was damn close to getting a little teary-eyed himself.  The situation was just so utterly heartbreaking.

"But then later he told me to go away and leave him alone," Buffy continued.  "I didn't know where to go.  And I didn't wanna leave him.  So I stayed close to here."

_I could just blow his head off right now... end it quick and painless..._ Except he couldn't.  Not only because of the young girl next to him who would have to witness it, but because... he just fucking _couldn't_.  What if someone had done that to Ellie after seeing her arm?  Sure, this kid was most likely going to turn... Joel didn't know of any strain of the virus that would start to fester like that and then somehow stop.  But he wasn't God.  What did he know?  Maybe there were different kinds of immunity.  Or maybe Ellie's bite had done the same thing... although Boo's looked worse.  Like the infection had begun to extend beneath his shirt as well as up his neck.

Tess also came to mind... what if she'd given up too soon?  She'd made the choice to sacrifice herself for them.  'Suicide by cop' to give Joel and Ellie a better chance of escape.  It was too painful to play the 'what if' game there... and to regret the things left unsaid.  There had been no time for that, really... but even so, the regret was there, if he chose to indulge it.  At any rate, Tess had chosen to die; Boo hadn't.  And he was just a fucking scared-shitless little kid.

Joel heard someone yelling in the distance.  "Might be your dad," he said to Buffy.

"I bet it is!  _DADDY!!!_ " she bellowed.  "I'm over here!"  She started running in the direction of the voice.

Joel didn't try to stop her this time.  "Don' go past the horse back there!" he called after her, though he doubted she'd pay him any mind in her excitement to find Yasmany... and the other man was probably close enough to them that it really didn't matter if she stayed in eyeshot.  Then he turned back to the boy.  "You could've run right after I found her.  An' you didn'."

"I thought y-you might s-see me," Boo said tearfully, chucking the apple core behind him.  He was still grasping that knife like it was some kind of lifeline.

"You wanna sit an' talk, instead of goin' back home?"  Joel held up his hands.  "I ain't gonna shoot you.  I promise."  _At least for now..._  "You shouldn' be alone."

The kid tried to snicker but it came out funny on account of the tears.  "Why does it m-matter?  They already g-got me!"

_Goddamnit._ "I meant... for your own... for you," he said softly.  "'Cause it's hard to... you shouldn' have to..." _I don't even fucking know what to say to him.  Nothing I say is going to help him one little bit._

Boo returned to the large rock that had helped shield him from sight.  The boy kicked at it a couple times, and then just slumped to the ground, leaning against it.  He was still clutching the knife, but no longer in a threatening stance.  Joel approached him cautiously.  "How 'bout if I jus' sit over here by you?  That all right?"

"Don't come near me!" he warned.

"I'll jus' stand here then."  _And try to think of what the fuck I'm supposed to say_.  He hadn't thought of anything before he heard the _clop-clop-clop_ of a horse approaching behind them.  "That'll be Buffy's dad... don' worry," he assured Boo.  "He won' hurt you either."  Joel pivoted so that he could keep both Boo and the approaching horse in view.

Yasmany pulled up on the reins as he neared Joel.  Buffy was seated behind him.  The dude's face sported the biggest smile Joel had ever seen on him.  He gave Joel a nod.  "Hey, man... thanks."

"I didn' do nothin'," Joel replied.  He really hadn't.  He sure wished he _could_ do something... something for the boy.

"You picked the right direction," Yasmany countered.

"Jus' dumb luck."

The other man looked at the boy on the ground… _He don't know what to tell him either.  Words are useless sometimes._ "Why don't you take your girl home?" Joel suggested.  "I got this."

"…You sure?" Yasmany seemed hesitant to leave, but Joel would bet the farm that the man would rather get his daughter to safety than hang out with an infected kid.

"Go on."  Joel waved him away.

"Bye Joel!  Bye Boo!" Buffy called to them as Yas started to turn the horse around.  Joel wondered if she realized it was likely the last time she'd see her friend.  _...alive, anyway..._

Joel would rather be looking for Ellie than hanging out with an infected kid himself; it was starting to get dark, and he didn't know if Ellie even had her flashlight.  If she were trying to find him, she probably would; she'd have her backpack, and he'd trained her to keep it clipped to the strap.  If she was just on the hunting trip, expecting to be back before sunset... he hoped she would bring the backpack, but she might not.  When they were together, she often didn't.  _But that's because she knows what I carry around.  Surely if I'm not with her, AND she's going Outside, she'd be more prepared..._

He hoped Tommy or Theo would show up soon.  He thought about firing another shot in case they needed help finding him, then thought better of spooking the poor kid by pulling out a gun.  Maybe Yasmany could help direct them.  He decided to come just a little closer and sit on the ground at what he deemed a 'safe' distance... safe for both of them.  Boo didn't object.

Joel sat with his legs folded up, in a position where his knees served as armrests as he leaned slightly forward.  "If you wanna talk..." he offered again.

Boo's face had sort of glazed over, and Joel wondered if maybe he was already turning... but he reckoned the boy might just be in shock.  Overwhelmed by the knowledge of what was going to happen to him.  Life was so fucking unfair that Joel couldn't stand it sometimes.  If the universe operated with any sort of divine logic, Joel would have been dead by now, maybe a hundred times over.  It wasn't right that he should outlive a nine-year-old kid.  Or thirteen-year-old Sam... or his own _daughter_ , for chrissakes... he knew thinking that shit didn't do anyone any good, and how many times had he lectured Ellie about her survivor's guilt?  Still... it was hard not to think such things when the injustice was staring you in the face.

Joel still had no fucking idea what to say to the child, so he tried to imagine what Ellie would say.  She would probably whip out that goddamn joke book.  Maybe he could remember some of them.  The first one that came to mind was the one he didn't like... _the stalemate... it wasn't even funny.  Actually, none of them were funny.  The one about my shelf... my self... a book falling..._ He liked that one only because Ellie had laughed at herself for fucking it up.  That was why he remembered it.

He didn't want to tell lame jokes.  He also didn't want to say anything to upset the kid, who was sitting there, calm as anything, staring off into space.  Ellie got that look on her face sometimes… when she wasn't really there.  _Where did you go, little guy?  Wherever it is, it's probably better than reality.  Maybe you should just stay there._

Tommy was the next of the group to arrive, using the same 'GPS' system; Joel hollered back to him to help Tommy pinpoint his whereabouts.  The yelling seemed to snap Boo out of his reverie... or la la land... wherever the fuck he'd gone.  Joel wanted to greet his brother out of Boo's earshot... "Son, that's my brother, comin' this way.  I'm jus' gettin' up to meet him.  Don' go nowhere.  I'll be right back."  Joel stood up and moved slowly away, continuing to keep an eye on the boy. _Though if he wants to make a run for it... should I just let him?  ...No.  No, that wouldn't be right.  He should see his parents.  If it was Ellie, I'd want to be with her._ He would want someone in his position to bring Ellie home to him, not let her run off to spend her last moments alive -- or her last moments _sane_ \-- all by herself.  Boo didn't appear to be preparing to bolt, though.

Tommy took Joel's cue and dismounted by Joel instead of the boy.  He'd given his walkie talkie to Maria when he'd convinced her to go home, so he couldn't call Theo to direct him, nor could he check in with Jackson or the dam for news on Ellie.  Joel gave him the run-down of finding Buffy and Boo, and explained Boo's predicament.

"You ever have this happen here before?" he asked Tommy.  "Never heard of anyone gettin' infected since we got here."

"Can't say I have.  Maria did, I think, or her dad... before I knew 'em.  There used to be more Infected in the area than we see nowadays.  If we can get him to come back to town, we can quarantine him.  Let the family decide how they wanna... shit, this is gonna kill Mitch an' Caroline... an' little Caitlyn.  They prob'ly won' want her to see him, she's only five years old... but... I think they'd wanna say goodbye.  Don't you?  If it was you...?"

He'd thought of Ellie before, in the hypothetical, but he was in fact a parent who had lost a child.  He hadn't gotten much of a chance to say goodbye to Sarah... she'd died _so_ fast... but if she'd gotten infected, he would have wanted to stay with her until the end.  To comfort her in whatever small way he could.  Joel felt his guts wrench... a lump rising in his throat.  He nodded.  "Go talk to him," he managed to say.

He followed Tommy over to the rock, but stopped short of it, allowing Tommy to engage the kid while he hung back -- ready to shoot if needed.  Boo was now standing, pointing the knife at Tommy warningly.  But he seemed to relax after Tommy spoke to him for a minute.  _Tommy always says and does The Right Thing... sanctimonious little shit.  I bet he'll get the kid to agree to come home._

Boo didn't agree to it before Theo arrived, however, and again he went into defensive mode as the newcomer approached.  Joel filled Theo in on what had happened, and Theo surrendered his walkie talkie to Tommy, debriefing him on the relevant communications.  He'd already known that Boo was missing because his parents were concerned about the hunting party's late return, and had found out from the gate what had happened.  Maria, back in town, had then relayed to Theo that there were now three missing kids.  "Funny thing about it was his name wasn't even on the log," Theo said.

"The girl told me she never even saw Ellie," Joel reported with a snort.  "She didn' go out with them.  Did you see the log yourself?"

"Nope.  Billie read it to me."

"Maybe she can't read worth a damn, then.  Ellie might not even be out here."  He could ask Tommy to track down the guards on the early shift and see what they could tell him about Ellie leaving, if it was even Ellie... maybe someone in town could go find her and report back to them... they were close enough to town now that Joel could go look himself, but they hadn't found any Infected yet, and... well, it felt like returning to town would be giving up on her.  Even though he didn't know for sure if she was Outside.  He _knew_ she was safe if she was in town, so...

"Or maybe Gavin was half asleep when they left?" Theo suggested... jokingly, perhaps.  "They're both skinny kids... freckled... long hair... the boy's isn't ponytail-long, though.  And it's a lighter brown, not red-brown.  Nah -- I don't see how he could mistake Eli for Ellie."

Eli... _Ellie_... "What?  Who's... is that Boo's real name?" 

"Yeah...."  The same idea seemed to be dawning on Theo.  The two names _sounded_ very different, but on _paper_... "And you know that son of a bitch can't spell.  He put my name down as T-H-O-E once -- the guys who came on next started calling me Tho."

"Tommy!"  Joel could see that his brother was talking to Maria on the radio, but he interrupted him.  "Tommy, does North Gate have a radio yet?"

"Maria's with them now."

"Ask them to read it again."

"What?"

"The log.  Just ask them!"

Tommy obliged.  Billie's voice crackled through the walkie talkie. _"It says 8:45am, Hunting lesson, north-slash-northeast, less than 3 miles... John B... Michael... Buffy... Ellie.  Over."_

"Ask her about the last one," Joel urged.  "Is the handwritin' hard to read or somethin'?"

"Billie, how certain are you about that last name?  Over," Tommy replied.

_"Well... maybe a little uncertain... there's a letter missing.  E - L - I - E.  -Oh hey, you know what's strange?  Boo's name isn't even-- ... ... ... do you think they meant ELI?  Not Ellie?"_

Joel didn't know whether to scream in exasperation or laugh in relief.


	8. Strange Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the Indigo Girls song/album

_”Just enough time to get home:  It takes women twenty to thirty minutes to fall asleep after an orgasm, compared to the two to five before men pass out."_

Ellie reread that little snippet, marveling at the difference... and she had to wonder, _how the fuck does anyone know this?_   Like, was it someone's job to study people's habits after they orgasmed?  Did they get paid to do shit like that?  Wasn't there anything more important they could be doing?  And as for the orgasm thing... what if it wasn't even bedtime?  Would you still fall asleep?  Maybe it was just that the urge to sleep was really strong afterwards, not that you _had_ to sleep.  Otherwise, it seemed like she would've heard about it _some_ where.  That could be dangerous, really.  She wanted to ask Joel about it...

She added it to her mental collection of Things to Ask Joel Someday.  That one, she could probably work into a casual conversation without quoting the stats.  She could've just heard it 'around.'  But... asking anything related to orgasms was tricky, because she would feel embarrassed -- and that feeling was supposed to be exclusive to Joel!  She didn't think she'd ever actually had a real orgasm.  From all the magazines she'd been devouring lately, she'd gathered that it was okay to touch herself... it was normal, not shameful... she'd never done much of that, back in Boston, and not at all since she'd met Joel.  The thought didn't even cross her mind out on the road, and then... well, after that, they slept in the same bed.  He kinda would've _noticed_ if she'd started doing it.  And once she'd started wanting _him_ to touch her... the thought of doing it herself was just... sad, somehow.  Now that they were together – like,   _together_ -together -- she knew it was just a matter of time, and she wanted to wait for him.  _Even though the magazines sort of give me permission, I'm not going to do it,_ she decided. _Touching me is Joel's... right?  Duty?  Privilege?  Whatever._

Besides, she might be sleeping alone for the time being, but she couldn't touch herself in a bed that wasn't hers.  That was... dirty, or something.  Some kind of betrayal of trust.  Esther had invited her to come _sleep_ under her roof, not masturbate.  And Ellie had gathered that once you started, it was hard to stop, like an addiction... what if she couldn't control it?  Like, if she had to do it at home and then Joel _caught_ her or something?  She would die!

With no clock in the magazine room, it was easy to lose track of time.  Ellie heard some voices outside, in the distance... _one of the movies must be over.  Fuck, I better wrap this up!_  She'd never gotten locked in the library before.  She could get out, but she'd feel bad leaving the building unlocked.  This room didn't get a lot of use, particularly at night, so she couldn't be sure Angie, the closing librarian that night, would think to check it before locking up.

Ellie quickly replaced the various magazines in their respective holders on the shelves, marking her place by filing the one she'd just finished upside down.  She hurried around the corner to the ladies' restroom to beat the 'movie rush;' one girl either hadn't been watching that movie, or she had to go so bad that she ran over there and skipped out on the ending or something, because she was just coming out of a stall when Ellie entered.  It was Karen (or "Young Karen," because there was another Karen in town who was even older than Joel), a fellow fifteen-year-old, and one of the few Jackson residents who wore glasses -- like, all the time, not just for reading.  Back in Joel's time, a person could actually go to a doctor and get glasses custom-made so that they could see perfectly.  In Jackson, the eyesight-challenged people just had to keep trying on pairs from the collection, and hope that the ones that worked best weren't too scuffed up.

"Ellie!  I didn't know you were here!" Karen exclaimed like it was some kind of big revelation.

"Is it really that big of a surprise?" Ellie brushed past her into another stall and locked the door.

"Were you in Spider-Man?" asked the other girl from the sinks.

"You guys are watching that _again?"_ Seemed like every time she checked the whiteboards, where the movies of the night were announced, there was a Spider-Man movie on one of them.

"It's part three," Karen explained.  "I guess you weren't, then.  Heh.  I wasn't either.  But Clicker was looking for you, and I told him you weren't here.  Whoops."  Ellie heard the faucet shut off.  "I'll see if he's still around.  Later!"

It wasn't exactly unusual that Clicker was looking for her, but something was up; Ellie got that feeling from the general buzz in the air when she entered the main area, the heart of the library.  She saw a couple of girls that she talked to sometimes (she wouldn't go so far as to call them friends) hanging out on one of the couches... a place Joel liked to sit when he pretended he wasn't watching her.  She waited for them to pause their conversation and acknowledge her presence before speaking.  "Hey, Lisa... Dee... did something happen?"

"Yeah, but no one will spill," Dee replied in her ‘gossipy’ tone.  "Maya said her dad like sort of admitted something happened but wouldn't say what.  Maria came home early from the other farm."

"Yeah," Lisa echoed her, "and anyone who asks her what's up just gets told there's gonna be a meeting tomorrow morning."

Ellie's first thought was horrifying -- that there was something wrong with the baby -- but if that was true, why would Maria call a meeting?  It wasn't even widespread knowledge that she was pregnant.  "Did Tommy come with her?"

"No," Dee answered, "it was just--"

"Yes he did," Lisa interrupted.  "He's back, too -- Mel said she saw him, remember?  But he came back after Maria."

"And Joel?" Ellie asked, hoping she didn't sound insanely hopeful.

"He was here," Dee said, all nonchalant-like, having no idea what effect those three words had on Ellie's heart.  "I saw him in here before the movie started.  Oh, and Clicker's looking for you.  Ell, when are you gonna put that poor kid out of his misery?" she added with a smirk.

"Whatever," Ellie mumbled distractedly.  _Joel's back!  Did he come here looking for me, too?_

"Sucks to be him... she's into _older_ guys," Lisa snickered, and that last part was pointed enough to draw Ellie's attention.  The look she was giving Dee kind of made Ellie wonder -- especially because Dee looked clueless -- but she didn't have time for this shit now.

"I gotta go..." _...and find Joel._   If he was back in town, she didn't want to waste one more second talking to anyone else!

She wasn't going to escape Clicker's notice, though.  The kid saw her leave the two girls, and he shouted her name loud enough that everyone turned to look where he was looking -- at her.  She started walking toward him as he ran toward her.  "Ellie!" he said excitedly.  "You're okay!  Where the fuck _were_ you?"

"None of your business, dweeb," Ellie teased.  "Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Mr. Joel was looking for you!"

"You talked to Joel?" She tried not to sound overly excited.  Tried and failed, probably... _well, fuck it, who really cares?!_  Of course she'd be excited that he was home -- that fact didn't have to imply _romantic_ feelings!  "When?  Where did he go?  Is he okay?"

But Clicker wasn't done offering explanation for his concern; it was like he hadn't even heard her.  "And every time he's looking for you like that... like, really hardcore looking for you, it's usually cuz of something bad.  He came here first and you weren't here, and someone -- Angie, I think -- told him you were here but that you left.  So he goes to the farm, and they tell him you left there to come here.  Er -- wait, no, he went to the farm first, cuz he had a horse to bring back, but they told him you weren't there.  _Then_ he checked here, talked to Angie, went back down there... so then he comes back here and you still aren't here.  So he goes and checks like your house, and Tommy'n'Maria's house... and some other places, he didn't tell me all of them -- but he looks like _every_ where.  Comes here again, asks me if I'm _sure_ I haven't seen you, like I'm fucking with him or something?  He had that look, like, _'Dude, I'm SO not in the mood for this shit'_ \-- but of course I'm _not_ fucking with him, right? and--"

Ellie could sympathize with Joel's impatience.  She groaned loud enough to interrupt Clicker.  "Dude!  So where the fuck _is_ he?"

"I'm getting to that!  So I swear to him that I'm not covering for you this time -- I prob'ly shouldn'ta said 'this time' cuz he sort of looked at me funny, like... I mean, he knows about other times when you--"

"Clicker!  Fucking _answer my question!"_

"Jeeeeeeez, Ellie, just chill!  So... um, where was I..."

"You were about to tell me where Joel went before I break your neck!" She pretended she was about to do that, or possibly strangle him, and he grabbed her arm the way she'd shown him in an impromptu 'lesson' and twisted it around her back.  "Oh shit -- good, that was perfect!"  She broke free easily enough, though, and whirled around to face him.  "Now _tell me!"_

Clicker looked proud of himself for successfully avoiding strangulation.  "It doesn't matter where he went -- he's coming back here!  He gave me a job to do when the movies finished: interrogate everyone in the library about your whereabouts.  When they last saw you and where that was.  I took notes, see?"  He produced a crumply piece of paper from his pocket.

Ellie snorted.  'Mr. Joel' liked Clicker, and the kid had helped him search for her before.  He was also the one who figured out that she'd left town that one time and then tattled to Joel about it (man, was Clicker surprised at how easily she'd forgiven him for that -- only because it had ended up leading to her first kiss with Joel!).  Joel might have just been giving Clicker some game to play here that would make him feel important or something?  Interviewing people struck her as a silly thing to ask him to do.  "Joel will be proud," she said sarcastically.  "So when's he coming back?  They're gonna close the library soon..."

"Yeah, I thought he'd be back by now.  He said he was going to check the lake.  I guess cuz you guys walk around there sometimes.  That was ages ago, though."

The 'lake' was more like a huge pond, but all Jacksonites referred to it as 'the lake.'  That would be a _great_ place to find him now, with no one around... "Okay, thanks!"  She turned to leave, but Clicker grabbed her arm.

"Wait a sec -- you can't go -- I just told you he's coming back!  I'm supposed to keep you here!"

_Yeah, like I can really just sit around waiting when I haven't seen Joel in almost five days and he's all desperate to find me?_   "Well, if you see him, tell him I went to the lake looking for _him_.  Bye!"  She broke free and scurried away before he could stop her again.

"But he's gonna kill me if I let you go!" he whined as she sprang for the door.

"Tough shit!" she called back, laughing.  _~I'm going to see my Joooooeeeellllll!~_ she sang to herself.  She was practically skipping the whole way to the lake, which wasn't all that far.  She'd remembered to bring her little flashlight with her to the library this time (that had sucked the other night when she stayed late and didn't have it to light the loooong way back to Annie's), but the moon was bright enough tonight, especially reflecting off the silvery lake, that she could leave it in her pocket.  What she _had_ forgotten to bring up from the farm was her hoodie; it was usually warm enough in the daytime when she left, but she would sometimes get a little chilled at night -- especially when it was windy, like tonight.  _I just need to find Joel, he'll warm me up..._   "Joel!  ... _Joel!_   ... _JOEL!_   Are you still out here?  **_JOOOEEELLLL!_** " she yelled at the top of her lungs as she started to circle the lake.  Clicker had never really answered her about whether Joel was okay, she realized... _but he must be, or Clicker would've SAID, right?  Somewhere in all those words coming out of his face, he would've fucking mentioned it_.  "Joooellll!  Where are you?!"

_"Ellie!"_

Joel's voice!  And he wasn't terribly far ahead!  Ellie shrieked and started running.  " _Joel!_  Where--"  Then she saw him step out of the dark-darkness into the moonlit-darkness, and she increased her pace to full speed ahead.  He just stood there, probably knowing that she was going to leap into his arms the second she got close enough... "Joel!!!" she cried happily as she lunged at him.

He sort of caught her, but this time, the force of her jump knocked him to the ground.  "Shit!" he managed to say before Ellie started kissing him breathlessly.

"Are you okay?" she asked between kisses, panting heavily from her sprint.  "Sorry!  Did I -- hurt you?"

He didn't say anything, but he wrapped his arms around her really tightly and rolled them over several turns -- making Ellie giggle, which didn't exactly help her catch her breath.  Then she realized he wasn't just doing that to be playful; he wanted to be in the shadows, out of the half-moon’s light.  Ever so cautious, even with no one around.

"Sorry!" she repeated.  He ended the rolling with her on top of him again, but he didn't ease up on the near-crushing grip.  Ellie loved it when he held her so tightly.  With one arm across her back and a hand cradling her head against his shoulder, it wasn't going to be easy to resume kissing him.  But they were technically still in public, so he probably didn't want her to do that...

"Ssshhh, jus' catch your breath, all right?  Damn, your heart's beatin' as fast as you were runnin' jus' now.  Someone chasin' you?" he teased.

"What're you -- doing here?" she gasped.

"I can leave if you want..."

Ellie would have slugged him, but couldn't exactly fucking _move_.  "Fuck you," she giggled, squirming.

"I ain't leavin' you again," he murmured, suddenly serious.

At least, Ellie _hoped_ he was serious... "Really?  No shit?  _Really?!"_

"Really," he affirmed, laughing softly at her incredulity.

That declaration made Ellie so happy that she thought she might never fully catch her breath... until finally she was able to speak in full sentences without gasping.  "I missed you so bad!  It's like you were never even here for that day and a half and you've been gone for two weeks or something."

He rolled them over a half turn, so that he was on top of her, and pulled her gun out of her jeans, laying it beside them... ever mindful of her comfort.  "I'm back now," he whispered before pressing his lips to hers.

_So he DOESN'T mind kissing me out here!_  Ellie was thrilled when he deepened the kiss, his tongue expressing that urgency she attributed to them being apart for ages.  He was already crushing her pretty nicely, but she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him as closely to her as she could.  It was like being in a cocoon... except no way could any dumb old moth feel the things Joel made her feel!  She hesitated to coil her legs around him, thinking it might be too much, somehow... until she did it without even thinking about it, too lost in the embrace to think straight... she felt his hand on her ass... felt it inching toward... _no, he's just teasing..._

Then he groaned and rolled off of her, just as she predicted he would.  Something about touching her there always made him end it right after.  And it wasn't even her bare ass!  She turned and snuggled up to his side.  "If we were at home, you wouldn't have to stop..." she cooed in his ear.

He chuckled.  "Yes I would.  C'mon, sit up, kiddo."  He sat up, expending a little extra effort than usual, and brought her up with him.  "Let's sit at that table for a minute."

"Is your backside all sore now?  I'm so sorry!" she apologized again as they stood up together.

"I'll live," he said, kissing the top of her head.  There was a picnic table nearby.  Ellie recognized their location now:  a spot where Joel liked to sit sometimes... with her, but also by himself.  His backpack and a couple of guns lay on the tabletop.  He slung one leg over the bench and patted the spot in front of him.

"No, like this..." Ellie lifted his other leg and slid it under the table so that he was sitting properly, as if he were about to have a meal there or something.  Then she straddled him, wedging herself between him and the table, and put her arms around his neck.  "That's better!"

He chuckled and kissed her again.  She shifted around a little... she could feel that he was hard.  She liked feeling it.  She knew that _he_ knew that she liked feeling it.  They just didn't usually acknowledge it... Joel didn’t, because such comments would make him uncomfortable, and Ellie didn’t because... well, making Joel uncomfortable was not conducive to snuggling, and sometimes led to an argument, or to him putting a little distance between them.  If she didn't say anything, he could keep pretending that she was too innocent to notice, and he sure did seem to like her being innocent.  Which didn't make sense to Ellie -- her so-called innocence was the whole fucking problem!  If she were skanky like Sophie, he'd have fucked her that first night, probably.

She'd been a bit clueless back then.  Right after Joel had kissed her for the first time, she'd sort of assumed they'd be having sex later -- maybe not that night, or even the next night, but _soon_.  When he'd done his 'we'll talk about that later' thing, though, she’d gotten the feeling she was wrong.  At least 'later' did actually come -- when they got home from their little accidental adventure that had led to that first kiss.  It was really late, so they'd gone to bed shortly after arriving home, but Ellie had been too excited to sleep.

_"Joel, why did you make me go change in the bathroom?  We're together now, right?  So..."_

_"So -- that don' mean we need to see each other naked yet."_

_"Why not?  That's what people do when they're together... and they have sex..."_

_"How do you know what people do?"_

_"Um... movies?  Books?"_

_"Right.  That's FICTION.  Real life is different.  People don' jus' hop right into bed with each other right away like you see in movies.  'Least, not all of 'em do. **I** don't."_

_"...so, tomorrow, then?"_

_"No."_

_"When?  In a week?"_

_"No!  There's no timetable... Ellie, just 'cause we kissed don' mean we have to have sex."_

_"But... you said..."_

_"I didn' say... THAT.  I know I didn't."_

_"You said you wanted to fuck me."_

_"Never said that, either.  You asked me if I wanted to, and I said we'd talk about it later."_

_"Okay -- it's later!  You do, right?"_

_"Can we talk about this tomorrow?  I'm beat."_

_"How hard is it to just say yes or no?"_

_"It ain't a yes or no question."_

_"How is it NOT a yes or no-- er, unless it's a maybe?  Is that it?"_

_"...How 'bout yes AND no."_

_"Both?  At the same time?"_

_"Mmhmm."_

_"Um... okay, explain it to me."_

_"Later.  Too tired."_

_"Jooooeeeellllllll I'm going to wonder about that all night and I'll NEVER fall asleep!"_

_"... Fine, all right, I'll try.  I have... some feelins... along those lines, yes.  But you are fifteen years old--"_

_"I don't care about the age difference!"_

_"Jus' let me finish?  You're fifteen, I'm forty-nine.  It's actually a crime for me to sleep with you--"_

_"Not anymore it's not!  And I told you -- I won't tell anyone."_

_"It ain't even that.  You know WHY it's a crime?  'Cause you're too YOUNG."_

_"Well, clearly I'm NOT, or you wouldn't've... you promised you weren't going to change your mind!"_

_"I'm not.  I won't.  It don' mean that I think we should have sex."_

_"But we're TOGETHER now.  Like boyfriend/girlfriend.  Right?"_

_"... well... ..."_

_"Okay, forget the whole label thing.  You have feelings for me -- THOSE sorts of feelings -- and I have them for you.  Therefore, we should fuck."_

_"Ugh... would you quit sayin' it like that?"_

_"Like what?  Fucking?  You prefer ~making looooove~?"_

_"Ha.  'Havin' sex' is fine."_

_"Yep, it is... so we should have it."_

_"You're fifteen."_

_"You said that already.  So what?  You said you weren't going to change your mind about us!"_

_"Ellie... jus' because we... look, what's the hurry?  I don' think we should rush into anythin'."_

_"Um, you totally just pointed out before that it took a YEAR to have our first kiss.  We're not RUSHING!"_

_"That's different.  This type of relationship... it's brand new.  An' I told you I don' have all my shit sorted out yet."_

_"Yes, and you also told me we wouldn't go backwards."_

_"And we won't.  That don' mean we have to surge forwards real quick-like, though.  We'll talk about it all you want tomorrow... okay, baby girl?"_

Eventually, she had let poor Joel fall asleep.  Then she'd just laid there, listening to the rhythm of his breathing... the pulsing of his heart beneath her cheek... the heart that now belonged to _her_.  They'd fallen asleep like that, all tangled up with each other, so many times before... but that night, everything was _different_.  She'd stayed awake that whole night, convinced that she was too happy to ever sleep again... but she did fall asleep, some time late in the morning (she didn't have to work, as she was supposed to still be out of town, thankfully!).  The next day had been one of the best days of her life.  Possibly _the_ best day. 

It almost felt like that again now, because they'd been apart... like it was all brand new again.  Joel said they were still new, even though it had been weeks and weeks already.  Maybe he could make promises now about not leaving because he felt that same giddiness... but when it wore off, he'd be all _"We each have to do our part for the town, Ellie"_ again.  _Wait... did he even promise??_   She figured she'd better exact an actual promise from him, if she could.  It might make all the difference later.  Joel was really sensitive about promises right now -- she knew he absolutely didn't want to break any more of them.

"Joel," she murmured against his lips.  "Did you mean it when you said you weren't leaving again?"

"Mmhmm."

"Like, ever?"

"Yep."

_Wow, he didn't even hesitate!_   "Promise me."

"I promise.  If I'm ever asked to leave this town again, only way I'll go is if you're with me."

Too easy!  She had to milk some more from this mood of his... work out the loopholes...  "And... ...and you won't send _me_ anywhere so that I have to leave _you?_   Promise me that, too."

Joel chuckled and gave her a quick peck on the lips.  "Why would I send you somewhere?"

"I don't know!  Or maybe someone else wants me to leave.  Promise I won't ever have to leave you."

"I promise.  We'll stick together.  _Really_ together."

"Yay!  Omigod, Joel, you just made me the happiest person ever," she squealed and kissed him... excitedly at first, high on his promises as she was... but then a little more slow'n'sweet.  If she wanted to kiss him for any decent amount of time, that was the flavor the majority of the kisses had to be. She could only guess at what went on in the male body in its aroused state, but they always reached a point where Joel said he had to stop.  Like he couldn't stand it anymore -- even though it felt _good_ , and wasn't it just bad things that had to be... standed?!  It didn't really make sense to Ellie.  Like when they were playing in the grass just then... feeling his hand on her ass was a thrill -- which was a _good thing_ \-- and it made her want more, but if he'd just kept kissing her instead, that was still fucking _great_ \-- and it was preferable to stopping.  Ellie had asked Joel before if it was physically painful for him and that's why he always had to stop, but he said no... and that he just couldn't explain it.  Sometimes she wondered if he just wouldn't admit to her that it hurt.

Apparently, Joel still wasn't in the mood for slow and sweet.  She could _feel_ his passion... like this crazy-strong intensity that coursed through him and spilled over into her, through his mouth... his fingertips... _He really, REALLY loves me,_ she thought happily.  His hand had tangled itself in her hair (her ponytail was only like half-intact by now), cupping the back of her head as he kissed her so deeply that it felt like her head might actually spin off without his hand there to hold it.  It made her delightfully dizzy when he kissed her like that, and it was just about the best feeling in the whole world.

She just wasn't used to him sustaining it for so long... and he was holding her _so tight_ \-- like, literally _crushing_ her against him.  Ellie kept expecting him to lean back, or shift her onto the bench beside him... _something_ to break the contact.  Yet he didn't.  He was... _it's like he's desperately trying to... to WHAT?_   She wondered if the way she was feeling now was anything like how he felt when he had to stop... she couldn't breathe, yet still she was reluctant to come up for air, too thrilled to end it.  No part of her was even the least bit cold anymore... no, she was quite the opposite of that.  There was this strange fire burning inside her, and Joel's kisses were fanning the flames, sending sparks up her spine... down to her toes... _I'm in a movie -- isn't this the part where we rip off each other's clothes and start fucking like crazy?_ Maybe they would have, if she were older.  Maybe she was supposed to do something, and if she knew what that was, things would progress... but she was afraid of doing the wrong thing... afraid of doing something that might snap him out of this awesome _okayness_ with not stopping.  And it felt so fucking _good... Maybe he's going to give me an orgasm just from kissing!_ she thought excitedly.

She was enjoying the hell out of this... but she was also ignoring the part of her brain that was telling her _this is really not like him -- what's wrong?_ He hadn't been like this when they were apart for eight days.  And if this was like a prelude to taking a 'step'... _why would he do it here and not at home?_

Finally, she had to pull back and take a real breath.  She held Joel's face in her hands, her thumbs stroking his beard, and she looked in his eyes; she could see them a little better now that hers had adjusted to the shadows.  She just wasn't sure what she was looking for… or if it was actually visible.  "Hey.  Are you okay?"

"I'm jus' great."  Only... he didn't say it the way a happy person would.  It sounded sarcastic.

_Well, he IS Joel..._ "Are you sure?  Cuz you seem a little..."

"Sorry... too much?" He relaxed his grip on her.

"No!  No, it's good... it's _awesome_... it's just..." _It's just WHAT?_ He seemed... off, somehow.  She couldn't pinpoint what felt different.  Yes, he could be intense sometimes, but this was... well, _intensely_ intense?  "Joel, what's wrong?"

He turned slightly to kiss one of her palms.  "Nothin's wrong."

As if she would give up that easily.  "What happened today?  Why did you guys come back?  I already know it's not because you were done over there. "

"I'll tell you about that later."

_Not the dreaded 'later'!_  "Tell me now!  Please?  I really wanna know!"  He smiled a little, which put Ellie's mind a smidge more at ease.  Maybe he was just in a strange mood -- _and if he keeps kissing me like that... I think I like his strange moods!_ "Pleeease?"

"You know I like makin' you wait for things," he teased.

"Arrggghhh!  Like how long?  What comes first: you telling me, or us having sex?"

He laughed.  Quietly, but it was a real laugh.  "I'll tell you.  Definitely I'll tell you first."

The little laugh made her feel even better about his state of mind.  "Maybe that wasn't like the best example to... if you're gonna tell me later tonight, I'd be okay with us having sex first," she added with a grin.

"Ha.  I know you would, baby girl.  All in due time."

"Okay -- so if you know I would, then that means you know I'm ready," she reasoned.

"Nice try.  I know that you _think_ you know you would.  How's that?" He kissed her neck lightly in that way that made her shiver... and this time it also made her giggle.

"But I knoooooow I'd have sex with you!" she exclaimed.

"Ssshhh, would you keep your voice--" He turned his head to the side, as if just remembering that they were outside and not necessarily alone -- and something must have caught his eye.  "Oh _shit,_ " he whispered.

Ellie looked in that direction, her hand automatically reaching back for her gun -- which wasn't even there, as it was still on the ground -- but there was no need for that:  it was Clicker!  He'd apparently been walking toward them, and now he was frozen in his tracks -- _because he heard my comment just now, maybe?!_  They could see him in the dim moonlight, but maybe he couldn't see _them_.  He was still sort of far away... _but not really!_ If he were still walking toward them, it would only take him like fifteen or twenty steps to reach them.  There was no way he hadn't heard that last little outburst.  _Shit shit shit -- we are so FUCKED._


	9. A Clicker and a Bloater

"Think he can see us?" Ellie whispered in the quietest of whisper voices.  _Thank God he doesn't have a flashlight!_

She and Joel were sitting there on the picnic bench, frozen with their arms around each other, Ellie not only in his lap but _straddling_ him.  If Clicker _could_ see them, it looked pretty bad.  He wasn't within whisper-distance, but she was sure he'd heard them just moments before, when she was being loud as fuck.

Joel was sure, too: "Prob'ly not, but you can bet he heard somethin'."

"What should we do?" she whispered frantically.

Joel thought for a moment.  "Act natural," he advised, so quietly Ellie could barely hear him.    "We don' know how much he really heard, an' maybe he couldn' see that we... jus' go talk to him.  Quick."

He leaned back and lifted her a little, helping her get off of him.  "Oh hey -- Clicker!" she called to her friend, attempting to convey cheerful surprise.  "I didn't see you coming!  What're you doing out here?"

Ellie was immediately blinded by his-- _flashlight!  Fuck, he DID bring one!_ -and she was glad she'd vacated Joel's lap before calling out.  Had he been using it the whole time and they hadn't even seen the fucking light?  _No, we're not THAT oblivious... he was probably trying to decide if he WANTED to see what the fuck we were doing..._

The beam of light swung over to Joel.  Ellie glanced back at him and saw him give the kid a little half-ass wave... a half-ass smile, too.  He was just sitting at the table -- he'd been facing the right direction to look normal, at least -- leaning on his forearms now... and thankfully, the bulge in his pants wasn't obvious, from the side angle.  His shirt was hanging in such a way that it obscured their view; that was probably the reason he was leaning forward.  If Ellie hadn't been in a little bit of a panicked state, she might have found it amusing.  _He'll talk down that boner in record time, I bet..._ She kept meaning to ask Joel how he did that.

"Thanks for your help, kid," Joel said, in as normal a voice as Ellie had ever heard.  "As you can see, I finally found her.  Or... _she_ found _me_ , more like."

Ellie started walking toward the boy, a sudden breeze making her shiver.  Maybe it wasn't so sudden... it had been a bit breezy on her way over here.  She just hadn't felt it when she was all wrapped up with Joel.  _Maybe the wind carried my voice away, and he DIDN'T actually hear!_ It was weird he hadn't said anything yet, though.  Usually he, like... would not _shut up_.  "What's up?  You okay?" she asked him.

Clicker shifted the beam over to her.  "Got kicked out of the library... didn't wanna just stand there waiting..."  He said it in a very un-Clicker-like monotone.

"Sorry about that," said Joel.  "I was gonna let you know I found her.  We were jus' catchin' up a little."

Ellie wondered if Joel even would've remembered that Clicker was waiting for him.  He might have figured the boy would just go on home.  But Ellie, at least, should have known better.  How many times had he followed her somewhere?  _It's what he does!_  She had to do some damage control now.  She wished she could see his face behind that bright beam he was whipping around.  Was he freaked out?  Totally chill?  He'd sounded a little... dazed or something.  But he could have just been tired.  It was probably like 10:30 or 11pm by now.   "Come on, I'll walk you home," she offered.

"No thanks," he muttered.  He switched off the light, turned around, and started walking away.  Ellie glanced back at Joel, although she couldn't see him anymore, thanks to the bright light fucking up her 'night vision.'  Her eyes would have to readjust to the dim moonlight.  _Now what do we do?!_ she asked him silently.

Joel grabbed his stuff off the picnic table, and Ellie's gun off the ground.  Her preoccupation with trying not to freak the fuck out had made her completely forget it was there; she would have just left it, and then had something else to freak out about when she got home and realized it was missing.  Joel trotted over to them and handed off the gun to her.  Then he fell in step beside Clicker, so Ellie followed suit and walked on the boy's other side, tucking the gun back in her pants.  "How 'bout we both walk you home?" Joel asked Clicker.

"I said no thanks!"

 _Fuck, he's really pissed._   She couldn't just... not acknowledge that.  That would _really_ make him think something was up.  She tried not to sound nervous when she asked, "Dude, what's wrong?"

Joel didn't give him a chance to answer.  "You're mad 'cause you thought we forgot about you, right?  I really am sorry, son.  Didn' realize it was gettin' to be so late.  Did you send Ellie out here to find me?  I owe you a--"

"She didn't tell you?" Clicker interrupted, annoyed.  "I thought you guys were catching up."

 _Not catching up like THAT..._ _with meaningless words..._ Ellie could feel herself blushing, and was grateful for the near-darkness.

"I forgot to ask her that," Joel said.  And it was true -- or so she assumed.  Either he'd forgotten or didn't care to ask.

Clicker glanced Ellie's way.  "Your hair's all fucked up, you know."

 _Oh fuckity fuck!_   Ellie yanked the elastic all the way out of her hair.  "Yeah, I um... was just taking it down."

"Why?"

"Cuz... it's nighttime?" _Lame!_  "Well... it's kinda windy... yeah, the wind... it like--"

"It was my fault," Joel said gallantly.  "Before we sat at the table there, we were sort of... horsin' around.  You know, like playfightin'?"

"Like how I do with you," Ellie added, punching Clicker's arm.  _Except... SO not even close to the same thing!_

"That's _not_ what you were doing," he mumbled.

Joel put his hand on Clicker's shoulder, and all three of them stopped walking.  "What do you mean?" he asked, sounding concerned.  "What is it you think we were doin'?" 

 _How can Joel sound so completely fucking innocent?!_  Like he had absolutely no idea what else it might've looked like they were doing.  Like he was actually curious about Clicker's perception of it, eager to clear up the _misunderstanding_. 

"I don't know!  But it was-- it was--" Clicker spluttered. 

All Ellie could think was, _WHAT IF HE SAYS HE THOUGHT WE WERE FUCKING!_ But... that was probably what Joel _wanted_ him to say.  So he could easily deny it.

"You were... like... what _were_ you doing?" Clicker was looking at Joel, and Ellie could hear the deathglare behind the accusatory tone.

"I told you--" Joel began.

"Don't lie, Mr. Joel."  There was a pleading note there, too, Ellie thought... although mostly, he just sounded pissed.  "You don't like it when I lie to _you_."

"I ain't lyin'," Joel lied.  Well... maybe he wasn't all-the-way lying.  They _had_ sort of been horsing around...

"You _so_ are.  Whatever."  He kicked at the dirt and started walking again -- and again, Joel stopped him.

"Hey.  Clicker, look at me.  You know I'd never do anythin' to hurt Ellie, right?"  Clicker was facing Joel's direction, but it seemed to Ellie that he was still looking at the ground.  She didn't see what hurting her had to do with anything; _of course_ Clicker knew he wouldn't do that.  _Everyone_ fucking knew that.

"Right?" Joel repeated when he didn't answer.  "We were jus' playin'."

"It wasn't playing!" Clicker said angrily.

"Yes it was," Joel insisted.

"Then why did Ellie say that--" Clicker cut himself off, and Ellie held her breath.

"What did she say?" Joel asked, and Ellie wondered how he could sound _so fucking_ _calm_ right now.  How he could try to make Clicker _repeat_ what she'd said!

"She said she'd have _sex_ with you!"

_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!_

"No, she--"

"Yes she did!  I heard her!  And then you told her to shut up."

_Omigod omigod he DID hear us!  Of course he did.  Omigod--_

It took Joel a moment to respond.  "Son, you're takin' this all out of context."

"I am not!"

"Maybe it... well, I reckon it did _sound_ like that, but--"

"I heard her!" Clicker protested.  "She said 'I knoooooow I'd have sex with you'!"

 _Jesus, he even remembers how long I held the 'o' on that word!_ Ellie was content to let Joel do all the fucking talking because she didn't know how to dispute that.

Joel chuckled.  He fucking _chuckled._   "I was afraid you mighta heard somethin' like that," he said.  "That was jus'... part of this game.  I told her to keep her voice down 'cause I didn' want... _this_ to happen -- for someone to hear, an' get the wrong idea."

"A game?" Clicker asked dubiously.

"Ellie can prob'ly explain it better than I can."  Joel looked at her questioningly... a silent _"you got this? or you want me to keep at it?"_ sort of look.

Freaked out though she was, she felt a little proud that Joel trusted her enough to try.  She gave him a quick nod before the boy turned to look at her.  _Okay, so Clicker didn't just outright call BULLSHIT, maybe I can work with that... think fast, Ellie!_ "Yeah!  Yeah, sure, I can explain.  I think.  Maybe.  Um... it's kind of embarrassing, really... er, obviously, cuz what you just heard... that's not something I'd normally just, um... _say_ , like that..."  She cleared her throat as one final stall tactic while an idea took shape in her mind.  "It's like a... a either/or game.  Like would you rather do this, or do that, of two things that are like..." _...bad?_   She couldn't even _pretend_ that the idea of sex with Joel was a bad thing.

"Right," Joel said, and she could tell he understood what she was trying to do.  Enough that he could contribute.  "You know.  Stuff like 'would you rather... walk barefoot through hot lava, or... kiss a Bloater."

 _Good one, Joel!_   She had to resist the urge to smirk at him.

"Ellie said Bloaters rip your face off," Clicker pointed out.  "How could you ever kiss one?"

Ellie felt encouraged.  Maybe he didn't quite buy it yet, but she could sell this!  "Yeah, you can't, really, so you'd better pick the lava, if you're smart!"

"Technically, you prob'ly could, though," Joel replied.  "Assumin' they do that sorta... sleepin' thing the others do?  Never seen one do that, but then, I've only seen a handful of the fuckers myself."

Ellie was grateful for the shift in subject matter. _I can run with this!_  "Oh, you mean like... when they stand there with their heads down and you can sneak up on them real easy?  I don't think Bloaters ever do that, Joel."

"Well, shit -- you're the expert," Joel teased.  "Clicker.  If you saw one sleepin', would you kiss it if your buddy dared you to?"

"Blech!  Not if it's as ugly as Ellie says!  I've never seen one before."

"Trust me, they are the fugliest things _ever_ ," Ellie affirmed.  "The worst of all the different kinds."

"But what if it was a pretty one?" Joel continued.  "A cute girl one."

Clicker laughed.  "No such thing!"

"What if you had to?" Ellie snickered evilly.  "You have to, 'cause... it's not a dare!  If you don't do it, then Joel _dies_."

"Thanks a lot," Joel said with mock irritation.

"Like _that_ would ever happen," Clicker said in his eye-roll-y tone.

"It might!" Ellie said excitedly.  She was really getting into the spirit now.  "Say the Bloater has the hots for you.  And he's got-- _she's_ got, cuz it's the cute girl -- she's holding Joel hostage.  And she's all like... _'Clickerrrrrr...'_ " Ellie tried to make her voice sound sexy.  " _'Youuuu are the only one who can saaave this poooooor man's liiiife.  One kiss from you, and I'll diiiiie... a happy woooman.'_ " Joel laughed at that while Clicker shrieked in disgust.  Ellie continued doing the voice, which was decidedly more creepy than sexy, but whatever.  " _'And if you don't give me what I want..._ I'LL CHEW HIS FUCKING FACE OFF! _Hahahaha!'_ "

Clicker scrunched up his face.  "Dude, why wouldn't I just _kill_ it then?"

"Duh!  You _can't_ \-- the only weapon you have at your disposal... is your _lips_ ," she said dramatically.

Joel sighed.  "I think I'm a goner, Ellie.  He jus' won' do it."

"Man, come on!" Ellie gave Clicker a little shove.  "It's like, one moment in your life.  It would be over in two seconds.  Unless you wanna slip her some tongue..."

 _"EEEYYYYEWWW!"_  Clicker whacked Ellie in the arm rather hard, and she retaliated by trying to tackle him.

'Trying' being the operative word there -- he was fast, and he dodged her.  "Help me, Joel!"  _Help me show him that you can do play-fighting as just PLAY, not something sexual..._

Joel didn't seem to need the telepathic hint.  He was a little slow to join the fray, but when he did, he had both of them on the ground in like five seconds. 

"I said _help me_ , not tackle me!  Let me go!"  Ellie struggled for a few moments, but managed to extract herself from the pile easily enough.  She wanted Clicker to get the idea of her and Joel 'playing together' out of his head, and Joel probably realized that was best, too, or he could have made it harder for her.  Plus, she didn't think wrestling with Clicker would get him... _excited,_ the way it did with her.  She scooted on her butt to a safe distance away.  "Clicker!  Get him!  Do the elbow thing I showed you!"

"What, you're switchin' teams now?" Joel called back to her.  Actually, she _was_ kind of rooting for Clicker to impress Joel; as her pupil of sorts, his combat skills were a reflection on her. 

He didn't do half bad, really... or so Joel made it appear.  She supposed a guy who could dole out brutal ass-beatings the way Joel could, even to men larger than himself, was unlikely to get bested by a twelve-year-old.  She stood up and backed away farther... and now she could see why Joel hadn't jumped right in:  he'd shed his gear, holsters and all. 

And Clicker had dropped his flashlight.  She picked it up, keeping an eye on the boys (and this was probably the only scenario in which she could think of Joel as a _boy!)_ as she made her way over to Joel's stuff.  Then she started strapping everything to herself... just because.

Joel and Clicker tussled for like a minute or so, until Clicker freed himself and stumbled over to Ellie... laughing!  _Yes!  Now maybe he'll forget that stupid remark._

"Fuck!  Dude, you coulda -- helped a brother out, a little!" he panted at her.  "You totally bailed!"

"Did he hurt you?" she smirked as she offered him his flashlight.

"I'll find out tomorrow," he replied as he took it.

"...Huh?"

"When the bruises show up better!" he explained with a grin.

"Bruises?  What?"  She shot Joel an accusatory look as he got to his feet and started brushing himself off.  "You'll bruise _him_ , but not me?  I'm bigger -- and older!  Omigod you're _so_ sexist."

Joel looked at her and chuckled.  She wasn't sure what it was that amused him -- her comment, or the sight of her wearing all his shit.  "I don' think I did anythin'... bruise-worthy," he said.

"Aww, that sucks," Clicker lamented.

"Want me to slug you in the arm -- like you did to mine, only harder?" Ellie offered.  "I can bruise it up for you."

"No, Ellie," Joel said in his warning tone.

"He _likes_ it, Joel!"

Clicker didn't join her in the protest, though.  "Okay okay, so... Ellie, in this thing -- where are _you?_   Why can't _you_ just kiss the stupid Bloater?"

Ellie found it kind of hilarious that he hadn't just let that little joke die out.  _As long as he forgets the comment that started the whole thing..._ "Um... well, maybe I..."

"She's got her own," Joel supplied.  "She met this... really smooth one who swooped in an' jus'... swept her off her feet."

"...swept her off her feet to eat her face, you mean?" Clicker said with a snort.

"No, she's a nice one!  There _are_ nice ones," Ellie said authoritatively.  "Like one out of ten.  They're always girls, though.  Males are always assholes.  This one loves me and wants to have my babies!"

Clicker giggled.  "So... how does _that_ work?"

Ellie donned her know-it-all voice.  "Well, the Bloater reproductive system is... like... more evolved than ours... they can do it with males or females.  Actually, I don't even think they need males for that at all.  And females make better babies."

"Life finds a way," Joel said in a quietly dramatic tone.

"Haha!  You saw that movie too?" Clicker exclaimed.  "Awesome!"

Ellie didn't get it.  And that annoyed her a little, but it wasn't important.  "Yeah, um... males don't serve any real purpose in their... culture, or whatever, so the females can just kill them.  Or eat them.  So you'd better be nice to yours.  At least until she lets Joel go!"

Joel sighed theatrically.  "It's all right, son.  Ellie ditched me to go have Bloater babies, you're my last hope of survival... but if you can't do it, you can't do it.  I understand."

Clicker tried to sober up, but he couldn't keep the mirth out of his voice completely.  "Well... hmmm.  I don't know why you couldn't just somehow save yourself, cuz you're supposed to be like this bad-ass mofo killer guy..."

"Actually, it was _me_ that killed everyone on the way here from Boston," Ellie told him in a stage whisper.  "I just like to let people think it was Joel, cuz... you know.  His delicate ego and everything."

Joel was trying to suppress a laugh, too.  "Ellie!  Come on, now, quit spillin' all my secrets.  Dude don' need to know about that."

"Is it true?" Clicker asked him with a grin.  "Are you a big chickenshit, Mr. Joel?"

"He is!" Ellie answered before Joel could defend himself.  "Every time a hunter or Runner or anything would come along, he'd hide behind me, all like _'Save me, Ellie!'_ and I'd tell him don't worry, I got this, just stick close to me and you'll be fine..."

"She did," Joel played along.  "I was real lucky to have her there to protect me.  I don' know what I would've done.  Died, I reckon."

Clicker laughed.  "Yeah?  How'd you even fit behind her?  Even if you like kneel down you're prob'ly taller than she is--"

Ellie shoved him again.  "I'm not _that_ short!  And you should talk!" 

"Hey, I'm almost as tall as you!"  Clicker was indeed nearly her height now.  A few months from now he'd probably be taller than her, since she seemed to have stopped growing.  Joel said he thought she'd grown at least an inch since he'd met her, but she figured he was bullshitting her because he knew she was sensitive about her size.  "I'm gonna catch up to you soon and you're two years older than me," he added.

"Three," she corrected him.

"Two-and-three-quarters like.  I'll be thirteen soon."

 _Hey, he does the same thing I do -- if Joel says we're thirty-five years apart, I tell him it's only thirty-four-and-a-half..._ "November isn't exactly soon," Ellie pointed out.

"It's soon if you're old like me," Joel said, and he continued before Ellie could debate his definition of old.  "Come on, kid, let's get you home.  Your parents are prob'ly wonderin' where the hell you are."

"You guys don't have to walk me home."  The refusal wasn't angry this time, at least.

"Sure we do," said Joel.  Then it was his turn to stage-whisper. "Just pretend you need Ellie's protection.  She likes that.  That's why I let her do all the killin'."

"Hey!" Ellie pretended to be offended by that.  "Don't lie.  You needed me.  You, like... don't have it in you, to be a killer.  It's okay.  We can't _all_ be bad-asses.  -And no, you can't have your guns back yet -- I'm on the job here," she added when Joel motioned for her to 'gimme.'

They had a pleasant walk back to Clicker's house... well, to a block before it, under a street lamp.  That was where Joel decided to take care of business, and Ellie held her breath again as he put his hands on Clicker's shoulder and looked him in the eye.  "I'd appreciate it if you don' tell anyone about that little game, all right?  You had the wrong idea at first, an'... I'd hate for anyone else to think the wrong thing, too."

" 'kay."

Joel relaxed, Ellie exhaled, and they resumed their walk.  "Good.  Thank you."

"But..." Clicker began.

_Oh shit!  But what?!_

"...You never said what the 'or' thing was.  With... that one I heard.  What was it?" he asked Joel curiously.

Ellie looked at Joel and willed him to answer with something brilliant... but his brilliance seemed to have run its course, because he said, "Huh.  I don' remember now."

"Oh, um-- it was either him or..." Ellie tried to think of the oldest man in Jackson.  _Karen's grandfather!_  He was ancient: twenty-five years older than Joel.  "Russ!  So I chose him.  Joel, I mean."

Clicker scrunched up his face again, not unlike the way he did when contemplating making out with the Bloater.  "Russ?  Can he even, like..."

Ellie grinned.  "See?  Easy choice."

"Except if you picked him, maybe you wouldn't have to do anything, in the end," Clicker smirked.

"He's married, you know." _...yeah, and?_   Ellie didn't know why she'd started to use that to make her case; it wasn't like being married was a guarantee that the equipment would work forever.  And it wasn't like old ladies would divorce their husbands when the guy couldn't get it up anymore. ...at least, she didn't think they would.  _That's mean!_

"So?  Married people don't really do it anyway," Clicker reasoned.

"What?!" Ellie cried.  "Says who?"

"Tyler."

"Well, what does he know?  Of course they-- I mean, how do you think they have kids?!"

"They still do it at first, it's just when they've been together a really long time, then they stop," Clicker said sagely.

Joel was amused, she could tell.  "How long is a 'really long' time?" he asked.

"Um... I don't remember.  Maybe a couple years?"

"Sounds about right," said Joel.

"Joel!" Ellie chided him.  "That's bullshit!  Don't tell him that.  Whatever -- it doesn't matter, cuz I wouldn't pick Russ."

Clicker looked pensive.  "Well... except he isn't like your dad, and Joel is."

 _Ugh!_   He just _had_ to go there.  "But Joel's _not_ my dad--"

Joel coughed.  Just to interrupt her, it seemed.  "It was all jus' hypothetical anyhow."

 _Joel just HATES it whenever I point that out.  So weird!_  "Yeah, and like... if the other choice was... um... Justin... yeah, Justin!  Then Joel wouldn't stand a chance."  Ellie hoped Joel felt jealous for a second, thinking of her with another guy.

"Oh, that's better, cuz he's the same age as you," Clicker said agreeably.

"No, not _that_ Justin -- the other one!" Ellie scoffed.  "I wouldn't do that to Tara.  The older one.  The one all the girls think is hot."  Justin was a logical, believable choice.  'Manwhore' was the term Ellie had heard used to describe him, more than once.  _A male Sophie Skankypants!_

"Isn't he like thirty or something?" Clicker asked.

"Twenty-eight, actually," Ellie said, smirking a little at Joel, who hadn't looked all that bothered -- until now.  He still didn't look disturbed, really, but Ellie saw him twitch a little.  "Like Joel said, it's just hypothetical.  I don't like Justin that way.  He's too..." _Too not-Joel?_

"Old," Joel supplied.  "I'd never let Ellie date someone that old."

"See?  He _is_ your dad," Clicker said triumphantly.

Ellie groaned.  "No he's not!  He's just an asshole who--"

"--who thinks no one's good enough for his little girl," Joel interrupted.  "Yes, Clicker, I _am_ kinda like her dad, in some ways.  She jus' don' like it.  She don' like anyone tellin' her what to do."

"Well, that _is_ one sucky thing about parents," Clicker commiserated with her.

Once they'd seen Clicker safely home and exchanged goodbyes, Joel didn't waste any time.  "What was that... that thing about Justin?"

"Nothing!  It was just an example," Ellie replied coolly.  But, much as she enjoyed seeing Joel be the jealous one for a change, she also sort of couldn't stand him even thinking for one second that she might want anyone other than him.  "Joel, you know I would _never_ pick anyone over you.  I just said that cuz he's someone a lot of girls like." 

"How do you know how old he is?" Joel said irritably.

"I know how old _everyone_ is.  I mean, I just remember shit like that, once I hear it.  You know that."  She reached for his hand, but he pulled away.

"Wait 'til we get home," he muttered.

"Are you mad?"  Because Joel was _okay_ with holding hands.  He'd deemed it innocent enough.  And besides, her hands were freezing...

"No, I jus' don' want anyone else gettin' the wrong idea tonight.  Once is plenty."

"Or the right idea," Ellie said quietly.

He was scowling now.  "Right.  I _am_ takin' advantage of you."

"Whatever!  You're _so_ not.  That's not what I meant."  The scowl didn't worry her; she was confident that once they got home, she could coax him into a better mood.

But Justin wasn't the only thing irritating him.  "How much roughhousin' are you doin' with Clicker?  Maybe you should... watch that."

Ellie gasped in delight.  "Are you finally jealous of him?  Just a little?"

"No -- an' keep your voice down.  Can I carry my shit now?"

"Nope!"  Ellie side-stepped farther away from him when he reached out to take something from her.  She hadn't adjusted anything to fit her, and one of the holster's shoulder straps kept sliding down her arm awkwardly.  She tried to tuck it under a backpack strap, but it wouldn't stay in place.  "I hurt your back, so."

"No you didn'," Joel scoffed.  "That was nothin'."

"Did I hurt you worse than Clicker did, at least?" she asked hopefully.  "Even though I didn't mean to?"

Joel gave her an odd look.  "Uh... am I s'posed to say yes?"

"Yes!  Er -- no, you're supposed to tell the truth."

Instead, he changed the subject.  "You should've seen the way he looked at me.  Though I'm sure some of that was on account of him bein' jealous."

"Whatever," Ellie said again.  Joel liked to tease her about Clicker's crush.  It didn't make him jealous, for some reason.  The 'roughhousing' apparently did now, but the crush itself never seemed to bother him.  Maybe because he knew it was hopeless.  _Does that mean he doesn't think JUSTIN is hopeless?_ she wondered.

"All I know is," Joel continued, "if you were the one he had to kiss the Bloater for... to save your life?  Well, he'd do a hell of a lot more than kiss the thing, if he had to.  I reckon he'd-- ow!"

Ellie had closed the gap between them and punched his arm -- totally not hard enough to hurt, so his cry of pain was obviously fake -- then grabbed his hand.  "Hand-holding is _fine_ ," she reminded him. 

He didn't protest this time.  And he covered her hand with his other one, too, in an effort to warm it.  The way he always did. 

Ellie stuffed her other freezing hand in her pocket.  "So do you think he bought it?" she asked quietly.

Joel thought for a moment.  "I don' know... I think he _wants_ to believe us.  The idea of us... it's gotta be weird to him... Maybe he'll tell himself to believe an' jus' let it go.  I don' think he'll tell anyone, at least."

"Me either," Ellie agreed. _She_ didn't think the idea of her and Joel ~together~ was at all preposterous, but maybe it was a good thing others did?  "I guess... it would be really weird for real parents and kids to play a game like that?  With the sex part, at least.  Like Clicker and his mom and dad would never... even hypothetically?"

" _Real_ weird, yeah," Joel chuckled.  "More than that -- it'd be sick."

Ellie didn't like that word.  Not in the perverted sense that Joel meant.  "They're not his bio parents, though.  So really, Clicker could fall in love with his mom, and it wouldn't be--"

"Ugh -- no, Ellie.  They adopted him.  Years ago, right?  They've been raisin' him as a son."

And Joel had wanted to adopt _her_.  Only a few months ago.  He would have, if Ellie hadn't turned him down.  She didn't want Joel to think of that anymore... to think of her as a daughter, or as someone he'd recently _wanted_ to be his daughter.  But she supposed he probably couldn't help it.  _Subject change!_   "Okay, whatever.  I'll be extra nice to him.  I'll make sure he doesn't have any reason to think that... that we lied."

"Okay, good.  No more about that, now... at least 'til we get home."

Ellie thought she might have to go down to the farm first, because they were expecting her and might worry if she never showed up, but then she remembered that Joel had gone down there looking for her earlier.  They would assume she was with him now.  And Ellie had told them before that they could lock the door when they went to bed.  That if she missed 'curfew' (bedtime) she could just climb up through her bedroom window; she'd figured out where to go to get up to the second floor on the outside, and how to get in.  When she made the mistake of telling Joel about that, she'd had to assure him she could lock the window from the inside.  He had this _thing_ about the windows.  It was kind of cute sometimes, the things he worried about.  Like someone in Jackson might actually go to all the trouble to break in that way!  She supposed if all the windows were locked, and the person had to smash one to get inside, they wouldn't bother climbing up to the second floor with their smashing instrument.  Ellie never even locked that window, because what if she forgot to unlock it the next day and couldn't get in?  But of course, she didn't say as much to Joel.  All he needed to know was that it did lock.  She _could_ lock it.

Joel wasn't at all concerned about retrieving whatever he'd left at the sister farm.  He said he'd get Tommy to send his stuff back to him on the next trip or something.  He truly had no intention of going back there, Ellie was pleased to see.  So he didn't have his bathroom stuff... 'toiletries,' though Ellie refused to refer to them as such on the grounds that it was ridiculous to associate hygiene products with a toilet.  She totally didn't mind the idea of sharing her toothbrush with him when she brought it home tomorrow.  Joel seemed a little grossed out by the suggestion, though, and said he'd pick up a new one.  The way Ellie saw it, it wasn't like they weren't already swapping spit all the time anyway, so what was the big deal?

She was torn on what to do with him when they got home:  'swap spit,' or beg him to tell her what had happened that day.  She decided to let him take the lead on that... and after a few yay-we're-finally-alone kisses, they were sitting on the couch, Ellie draped over him (half in his lap), Joel so quiet that she thought he might be falling asleep.  He said he wanted to sit in silence with her for a little bit, then he'd tell her what happened.  They did have plenty of fun together, no doubt... but Joel could still get broody, and he'd clearly had a rough day.  To her, this was _way_ better than him going off somewhere to be alone, so she was grateful that he let her stay with him during these times -- although an unfortunate consequence was that sometimes she showed her support by accidentally falling asleep on him.

She wouldn't nod off tonight.  She was so excited to have him home at last that she probably wouldn't sleep at all.  And she really wanted to know what had happened today.  She was _glad_ for whatever it was... because it had brought Joel back to her early, and she was selfish like that.  About Joel, at least. 

Ellie snuggled up to him, tracing soothing circles on his arm, and waited patiently.


	10. Yes Or No

The only thing that brought Joel more peace than holding Ellie in his arms like this was holding a _sleeping_ Ellie in his arms, the gentle rhythm of her breathing a lullaby of sorts.  He had thought she might fall asleep on him here, but unless she could somehow play with his arm in her sleep, she hadn't yet.  "You tired?" he murmured into her freshly-brushed hair. 

"Not at all," she replied.  "You?"

"Mm.  I've got some sleep to catch up on.  You know I don' sleep as good when you ain't next to me."

"Good.  Let's keep it that way," Ellie said cheekily.

"That's the only reason I keep you around," he teased.

"I knew it!" She chuckled a little.  "Seriously, though... I'll sit with you all night if you want."

"I know you would."  He shifted a little so he could see her face, then gave her a quick kiss.  "Thank you."

Joel had actually been quite impressed with Ellie's ability to be absolutely silent, the first time they'd sat like this.  Then he wondered why he was surprised; yes, there were times she talked a blue streak, or just _had_ to make her opinion known, but there'd always been times when she respected his need for silence -- in fact, it was mutual, especially earlier this year when she'd become more withdrawn than he'd ever seen her.  Now that she was part of a community, and had become involved in things, met new friends... she didn't get like that too much anymore.  But she did appreciate quiet time; there were still times that they sat on the couch together -- him whittling, her reading -- companionably silent.  He found he didn't long for solitude the way he used to.  And now that they were... the way they were, there were also times when she distracted him from the whittling.

She was good at distracting him.  Too good, sometimes.  He was kicking himself for being so careless in public.  He'd been so excited to see her that it felt like they were the only two people in the world when he finally had her in his arms -- and he'd indulged the feeling.  At least they hadn't been making out in the moonlight.  The only evidence they'd been doing anything at all was Ellie's hair, if the kid couldn't see them in that dark shadow (her hair _could_ have been messed up by the wind, he thought... if Ellie hadn't sounded like she was pulling something out of her ass, the way she'd said it).  And, of course, what Clicker had overheard was pretty incriminating.  Hopefully, they'd smoothed that over adequately enough.  Joel hoped that when Clicker thought about it later, he would decide that the idea of Joel and Ellie being sexual was just absolutely ridiculous, and doubt his own recollections of that night.

It was already pretty late, and Ellie needed to get to bed, so he figured he'd best get on with telling her what had happened.  "So... today," Joel began.

She stirred a little. He still had his arms around her, but she was sitting more upright, her head lifted so he could talk to her face to face.  Maybe steal a kiss once in a while.  She let her hand fall to rest on his chest.  He would have to try not to notice she was wearing 'his' shirt... the one he'd discarded that she had appropriated for a nightshirt.  Her actual flannel nightgown, which was thicker and much longer, was down at the farm.

"What was your favorite subject in school?" he asked her.

"What?"  Naturally, Ellie was taken aback by the question.  It was a bit out of the blue.

"Jus' seems like somethin' I oughta know about you that I don't."

"Okayyy... are you trying to _not_ tell me about today, or what?"

"Answer the question an' I'll tell you."

Ellie didn't have a ready answer.  Was he the only person to ever ask her that?  It was such a stock question for an adult to ask a kid in ordinary conversation.  She knitted her brow... the way she did when she was thinking hard about something.  "Um... history, I guess?  I liked learning about how people lived.  Different cultures and stuff."

That made sense.  He could've guessed as much about her.  "Social studies, more like."

"I guess you could call it that.  We spent a lot of time on the shitloads of wars that happened, but it was cooler to learn about how things... got invented, and stuff like that.  It's funny how the books make it seem like normal things are so old-fashioned.  Like using horses for transportation.  It's the easiest, fastest -- well, maybe not fastest... most _reliable_ way to get around, cuz even if you can find a car that sort of works, it'll die on you, and horses don't."

Sad but true.  Joel was accustomed to not driving anymore, but he sure did miss it sometimes.  And he hadn't had the unique thrill of riding a motorcycle since... he couldn't even remember.  "Right.  Well, maybe in your lifetime, cars will make a comeback."

"Train cars first!  Without even having to jump, you mean?"

Joel chuckled.  "Hop.  You hop a train, if you're sneakin' on."

"Whatever.  We're gonna do that someday."

Enough people had claimed to see freight trains in operation that Joel believed it was true, and some of the railroads they'd encountered on their cross-country journey did appear to have had some restoration work done.  They hadn't seen any actual trains, though.  That lowlife Max had planted the freighthopping idea in Ellie's head.  "We'll see.  So did they make you memorize a bunch of dates... names an' shit?"

"Yeah... I don't see the point of knowing all that about wars and presidents and stuff... not like it's useful at all.  But I liked learning about how the world... got to be the way it was.  Before.  In _your time_ , as you like to say."

"Most of what you learned was _before_ my time, kiddo."

"You sure about that?  Cuz we spent a lot of time on dinosaurs..." She grinned.

"Ha.  That's right... I almost forgot -- I did have a pet dinosaur as a kid.  A T-Rex."

"You did?" Ellie played along.  "Cool.  What was its name?"

"... ...Rex."

It made her laugh, at least.  "Very creative, Joel."

"I never said I was good at namin' things."

"Okay so I answered your question, now tell me about today!"  She poked him in the chest.

The playful conversation wasn't the best segue into the heavy shit... but what _would_ be, really?  "I thought you were out there today.  Outside.  In the woods."

"What?  Why would you think that?"  Ellie seemed a bit affronted.  "I told you I wouldn't go out there without you again."

"I know.  That's why it did seem strange to me."  He told her about Tommy coming to get him, and about the search... and the end of the search.  About Buffy and Boo.  The mix-up with the names.  All of it.  He just left out certain details, like discovering the bodies... what he was feeling... some of those dark thoughts he'd had.  She filled in some of the blanks, of course; she knew him pretty well.  Hell, sometimes she knew what he was feeling even when _he_ didn't know exactly.  And she said he'd picked the right direction, as far as looking for her.  If she _had_ been out there, that's exactly what she would have done -- tried to find him.  Even if Jackson might have been a little closer.  Some other time, when he was in lecture mode, he might re-examine that and try to get her to see that sometimes it made more sense to take the safer or shorter route.  To follow logic rather than follow your heart.

But he wasn't up for that now.  Not after he told her about the infected boy... how the kid had wanted to run off, that he was scared to die... how Joel might have just shot him to end his suffering, but he couldn't.  She got a little teary-eyed at that part, even though he didn't explain _why_ he couldn't.  "God, that poor little guy," she said sadly.  "And you left him with Tommy?  Do you know what happened after that?"

"Not sure.  I meant to check in with Tommy or Maria durin' that time I was tryin' to hunt you down, but then I..." _...started to worry again?_   He’d heard from the guards that Tommy had made it back before he did.  He was just more inclined to find Ellie than to check in with him.  "I can't believe I didn' remember to check that back room... jus' took people's word that you weren't around..." Was she blushing a little bit?  She was.  He'd asked her where she'd been all night when they were walking home, and the moonlight hadn't let him detect her face changing color... she _had_ seemed a little flustered.  _Interesting... I wonder what they keep back there..._

"Okay, so what was the plan?" she prompted.

Right -- he didn't want to get derailed.  "They were gonna quarantine him an' talk to his parents... see what their wishes were, in regards to... how to... I think Tommy was gonna see about givin' him something to make him sleep, an' then... then maybe he wouldn' really... you know, _feel_ it, when he..."

Ellie understood.  "And they'd risk getting infected... to be with him.  Right?"

"If they choose to, yeah, but I reckon they'll take some precautions.  Maybe get someone else to... be around, when it's time to... when he starts turnin'."  Joel could have volunteered to help with that... with whatever was decided upon.  He could have, but he didn't, and Tommy didn't ask anything of him -- probably realizing that Joel wouldn't be willing to spend another day away from Ellie, at least not after the day he'd had.

A tear slid down Ellie's cheek.  Joel caught it with his thumb.  Kissed her.  _I bet she's thinking about either Sam or Riley right now.  Maybe both._

"Would you be able to do it for me?" she asked.

"Do what?"

"If I wasn't immune... and I was going to turn... could you kill me?"

Not a question Joel wanted to contemplate.  "That's never gonna happen--"

"But could you?  If you _knew_ I was gonna turn any minute... and I wanted you to do it..."

He sighed.  As much as he liked to believe that there was nothing he wouldn't do for Ellie, he didn't know if he had that kind of strength.  "I don' know.  I honestly don't."

"I don't think I could do it to you."  She swallowed... like she was swallowing the rest of her tears, Joel thought.  It was rare that any of them ever escaped those big green eyes of hers, so she'd already exceeded her daily limit.  "No, I _know_ I couldn't," she decided.  "I'd prob'ly let you kill me instead, because I couldn't do it, and you can't infect me, so..."

He wanted to tell her not to think about shit like that, that no good would come of it, but sometimes it was better for Ellie if she _did_ talk about things.  "I wish you wouldn'.  Assumin' I couldn' do it myself..." He figured he'd have to do it before he started actually turning.  That the required mental faculties would fly out the window the second the virus affected his mind.

"You couldn't do it yourself, because I wouldn't let you.  I would want every last minute with you... every second you had left.  You can't... do it early."  Her eyes were downcast now, but Joel saw another tear escape.

He kissed her forehead.  "I'd _want_ you to shoot me, Ellie.  You know that.  If not before, then as soon as... you see it startin' to affect me."

"I know.  I know, just... it would be so hard... I don't think I could."

"Well, hopefully Tommy would be nearby.  He'd do it in a heartbeat," he said lightly.

"No he wouldn't!"  But she smiled.  Lifted her head back up a little.

"Sure he would.  Motherfucker would prob'ly enjoy it."

"Pfff.  Whatever.  You guys get along great now."

"Uh... hardly."  Better, sure... but not _great_.

"So... today.  Did you guys find the rest of the Infected out there?"

"We found some."  Joel had felt pretty confident that Ellie never left town after the little Eli/Ellie mix-up on the log.  Even so, that niggling little voice in his head had made him ask Tommy to get someone to track down Gavin and confirm that he'd meant Eli, not Ellie, when he'd written down the names, and Joel hadn't left Tommy's side until that was confirmed.  Tempted as he was to go find her irregardless, Joel chalked that up to simply missing the hell out of her.  Theo had gotten the feeling he was on the right track earlier, but then ditched that path when he'd heard Joel's gunshot.  The two men joined forces and found two small groups of them.  There was plenty of ground yet to cover, but more people could go out searching in daylight tomorrow, if desired.  Joel thought it would probably be all right if the regular patrols were just beefed up a little... but it wasn't up to him.  "Hopefully we got all of 'em.  Two Clickers an' six Runners."

"Jesus.  So... there were nine of them, with the dead one... are you okay?" She looked at him with fresh concern.

"I'm fine, see?  Not even a scratch."  His worrying over Ellie notwithstanding, the toughest part of the day had been seeing the body of Earl's boy.  Or maybe it was knowing that little Eli would soon suffer a worse fate.  "I ain't the one that... shit, that poor kid... both kids..."

"Yeah.  And Buffy... man, you must be her hero now."

Joel scoffed; he hadn't done anything heroic.  "Her dad took her home.  He can be the hero."

"But you're the one who found her.  You must've been..."

Joel waited, but she didn't finish the thought.  "Been what?"

"I bet you were thinking of Sarah.  Or... me, maybe."

"Both of you.  Yes."

"Like... as daughters?"

"Her, of course.  You... yes... an' no.  But... yes."  It was funny that she'd brought that up.  He'd actually been wondering if he would be in _dad mode_ when he saw her again.  He had expected to be.  But... well, it was obvious that that wasn't the case, once they'd started kissing.  "Why?"

"Nothing... just... thought you might."

"When I was worried about you... lookin' for you... both out there and in here, I wasn' really thinkin' about... kissin' you, or... anythin' like that.  I jus' had to know you were safe.  That's all I cared about.  And in that way, you were my little girl, not my..." They still didn't have a label for what they were to each other.  _Unless 'everything' counts as a label..._

"Even though I'm not little."

He smiled at the familiar protest.  "You'll always be little to me."

"Even if, like... I grow a bunch more inches and gain a ton of weight -- all muscle, of course -- and I'm actually bigger than you?"

Joel chuckled.  Leave it to Ellie to ask a question like that so deadpan.  "You jus' try an' make that happen.  Then we'll talk."

"Okay.  But, you kissed me, _not_ like a dad, so... that feeling went away," she presumed.

"It never goes all the way away.  But... yeah, I s'pose."

"So... remember when you told me you'd feel protective of me no matter if I was fifteen or forty-five?"

"Did I say that?"  _Shit, she remembers what I say better than I do._

"Yeah.  Why can't it just be like that?  Like... how you feel protective of Tommy, or Maria, or anyone you care about.  Or... not Tommy, cuz I think you were being sexist at the time... -but that's fine -- you can think of me as a woman then.  I mean, that's kinda the whole point."

Joel recalled the conversation now.  "Right... it's jus' different, though.  The way a father feels about his daughter."

"Which I'm not, even.  Your daughter.  Repeat after me."

"Which you're not," he said dutifully.  "Of course you're not.  I thought part of you liked that idea, though.  Didn'tcha?"

"No, I've always wanted to have sex with you, since the moment I met you," she said, trying (and failing) to sound sincere.

"Well, damn, I didn' know I was so..."

"Sexy?  Oh, you are.  It's really cruel of you to... _deprive_ me of your... whatever." She kissed him... a giggly little kiss.

"Mmm.  Well, maybe it's time we do somethin' about that," Joel said before he could censor himself.  ...actually, this time he wasn't sure he _wanted_ to censor himself.

Her eyes got real big.  "What?  Shut up."

"All right.  Subject closed.  We were talkin' about... what was it..."

"No, _don't_ shut up, you know I meant--"

"Too late.  That ship has sailed."

"Nooooo no no no no!"  She straddled him, balled up the straps of his tank top in her fists, and rocked back and forth a little.  Joel could only assume she was trying to simulate a collar-grabbing, get-in-your-face sort of maneuver.  _Only she's too cute for it to be effective._   "You can't do that!  You _can't!"_ she wailed.

"I think I can do whatever I damn well please," he drawled, pulling her in for a kiss.  Then he quickly pivoted to the side... moving both of them this time.  Instead of shifting her off his lap like he normally would, he lay on top of her, pinning her to the couch.  He smothered her squeals of delight with another kiss... one that was deeper, more insistent... a couple more kisses like that and somehow his groin was grinding haphazardly against hers.  He was glad he'd put on his jammy pants, because... _What the fuck are you doing, you perv?  You're supposed to be TALKING._

Before he could start to ease off of her, she snaked her arms around his neck and pulled him in for more.  She freed her legs... and when she curled them around him, their crotches lined up perfectly.  He put his hand on her thigh, to push her leg back down, only... _damn..._ it felt _so_ good, even through clothing, to just...

"Just tell me what to do," she whispered between kisses.

_Shiiiiiiiit._   He sort of... growled and laughed at the same time, and lifted himself up a little, despite the way she was trying to pull him down.  "We're not gonna have sex right now, Ellie.  Not that I don't..."  _God, why does she have to be so pretty?  And when she looks at me like that..._ He knew she wanted it.  Wanted _him_.  He groaned, removed every part of her that had a grip on him, and rolled off of her -- right smack on to the floor.

"Joel!" Ellie scolded, rolling off the couch herself to lay on top of him -- though he immediately scooched her down to lay next to him instead.  "You're already gonna be sore tomorrow, thanks to me, and now you're making it worse!"

He hugged her against his side.  "I'll live," he said again.  Pain could serve as a good distraction sometimes.  Even just a small amount of it.  _And you do need to distract yourself, motherfucker._

"You better," she growled, kissing his neck, his jaw, his cheek, and finally his lips.  She was so... snuggly.  Yet sexy at the same time.  The way she drew her bare leg up over his... that somehow made his hand run itself up her thigh before he even realized it was moving.  And that goddamn shirt... his eye was drawn to the 'v' of it... _I ain't in nearly enough pain for this._

He closed his eyes... but he could still see her, in his mind.  "Ellie..."

"What?!  I wasn't even doing anything!"

He chuckled at how outraged she sounded.  "That wasn' a _Ellie_ -Ellie, jus'... I don' know."

"Wanna move to the bed?" she suggested sweetly.  "Just cuz it's more comfortable, I mean."

"...Right."

"Well, it is!"

Maybe not the best idea, but it was late... and it _was_ more comfortable than that cold, hard floor.  "You go on.  I'll lock up."

She scrambled to her feet, then offered him a hand, which he took, groaning theatrically for her amusement as he stood up.  She kissed him once more before scampering into the bedroom.

He did his bedtime routine of checking that the door and all the windows were locked, hoping that somehow, if he took a little extra time and let his thoughts churn a bit, he'd find the clarity he felt he should already have, instead of continuing to be of two minds about the sex thing.  But unfortunately, the only clear thought that dawned on him was _shit, ants in the kitchen again... I'll deal with that in the morning._

"On or off?" she asked when he appeared in the bedroom doorway, her hand poised by the lamp.

"Off."  He certainly didn't need any more visuals.

They assumed their usual pre-sleep position of Joel on his back with Ellie in the crook of his arm, her head on his chest.  He began stroking her hair the way she liked.  Ellie sighed happily.  "I'm gonna sleep so good tonight.  If I ever get tired, I mean."

_I know a way I could tire you out, girl..._

Joel's thoughts did tend to be a little more... _impure_ , when he was in bed with Ellie.  He could ignore them, for the most part.  Or talk back to them.  _You're too tired for that yourself, old man._   Right.  Just like that.  "Me too.  Except I'm already tired... you'll get bored watchin' me sleep an' the boredom'll help you out."

He expected her to reply with either a snarky remark or a cutesy one (she liked to tell Joel how adorable he was when he slept), but instead she gave no reply at all.  She was silent for a few moments.  "Joel?"

"Hmm?"

"That whole... daughter thing..."

"I know you ain't my daughter," he reassured her.

"Right, but... I think I get why you wouldn't wanna... do stuff, you know, after... well, a day like today.  It's cool.  I mean, it's okay."

"...'it's cool'?" he parroted.  _Is this another backpedaling thing?  Maybe I scared her a little..._

"Yeah... I know you were freaking out, thinking I was dead or hurt or lost or something, for... what, like, hours?  And then Buffy and her dad... and... that other stuff... Being together is all that matters.  Really.  Sex totally isn't important."

"It ain't, huh?"  Joel was surprised to hear that come out of her mouth.  Especially when he hadn't actually been thinking along those lines himself, the way she seemed to assume.  He'd been thinking more like... well, quite the opposite of that.

"No.  Not in the big picture.  Like... I'd rather have the... thing that makes you freak out.  You know, the... love, or whatever... that's why I'm with you.  Why I want to be with you.  I know we can have both -- when you're ready -- but, like... uuggghhh, I thought I knew how to say this..."

He squeezed her.  "I hear ya, kiddo."  But did he?  _Maybe she's realizing what I've thought all along -- that SHE'S not ready..._

"I'm sorry, Joel.  I've been too pushy.  I'll try not to be such a dick about it."

Joel chuckled.  "I'd hardly say you've been a _dick_ about it.  Actually, I think you've been extremely patient with me."

"Really?  You think that?"

She sounded so pleased that Joel couldn't help smiling a little.  "Mmhmm.  Must be hard for you when I... well... act like I want to, then slam on the brakes, an' you're jus'... waitin' for the time when I _don't_..."

"That's not hard.  It's fun.  Which is what _you_ always say, too... is it harder for you?  Like, you're lying about the fun part?"

_Oh yeah.  It's rock-hard._  "...No, I ain't lyin'.  I jus' don' wanna do anythin' that'll make you... uncomfortable.  -An' jus' 'cause that ain't happened yet don' mean that it won't," he added in response to the protest he knew she would make.

"You really do worry too much, you know."

"I can't help it."

"I know.  It's part of your charm."  She craned her neck up a little to kiss his cheek.  She only got his beard the first time, so craned a little more to plant a second one on his actual cheek.  She was just so adorable... and he was just such a ... "But you need to relax," she continued.  "Whatever happens, happens."

Joel snorted.  "You jus' said sex wasn' important."

"Yeah but who said I was talking about sex right now?  You have a dirty mind."  She giggled.  "Okay, so I _was_ talking about sex."

If Joel lived by that 'whatever happens' mantra, they would have had sex long ago.  _My dick would have a field day with that logic._   "Even though it ain't important to you."

"No!  Not _to me_ \-- I mean..."

"I know what you meant.  I'm jus' teasin' you."  Joel let out a big yawn.  He was ready to fall asleep and hadn't even said all he'd meant to say.

"Okay.  So... I guess what I'm saying is... I can wait."  She chuckled a little.  "A whole lot of words just to get right back to where I already was, huh?"

"Mmhmm."

"... ...You're gonna be asleep in like five minutes."

"Prob'ly."

She was quiet a few moments... then, another tentative, "Joel?"

"Yes, baby girl?"

"I'm cool with waiting, and I'm not trying to be pushy..."

"...but?"

"Well... before you left, you _did_ say that when you got back, we could... um... maybe... take another step.  A forward step.  Remember?"

"I remember."  He knew she was waiting for him to elaborate, and he couldn't resist torturing her a little by leaving it at that.

"... _and?!"_ she prompted when she realized he wasn't going to say anything further.

"And what?"

"Well, I was wondering... is that still... did today change that, or...?"

Joel chuckled and kissed the top of her head.  "You're cute.  Miss _'I can wait.'_ "

"I can!  I will!  But just so you know, I'm still very much interested in... steps... and taking them... with you..."

"Mmm.  You wanna know if the offer still stands," he finally acknowledged.

"Yeah.  Does it?"

"You don' even know what I was thinkin' of."

"Well, whatever it is... whatever you wanna do... I wanna do it, too."

Joel laughed softly.  "Ohhhhhh Ellie.  You shouldn' say things like that.  You should always know what you're agreein' to before you agree to it."  _Whatever I wanna do, huh?  Pick one of a hundred naughty things..._

"With _people_ , maybe, but not with you."

Such blind trust... and at the moment, he didn't feel he deserved it.  "Believe it or not, I _am_ a person."  _A person who's imagining ripping your underwear off right now..._

"No, you're not.  You're my Joel."

"Aww."  He liked it when she called him that.  _And you're my sweet baby girl... I just can't seem to take advantage of you that way, no matter how much you -- or my dick -- want me to._   Not that he hadn't already taken many advantages -- like the one he was taking right now.  Like he did every night.  Feeling her in his arms, breathing in her scent... fantasizing...

Ellie innocently babbled on.  "Yeah, so... whatever this step is that you're thinking of, I know it wouldn't be anything that would hurt me, or like... wouldn't be fun for me.  That's why I can agree to it without knowing what it is.  I trust you."

"I know you do.  Problem is, you trust me more than I trust myself."

"That... makes no sense."

"It makes perfect sense.  Dirty old man, sweet young girl..."

"Arrggghhh, _no_ \-- you're not dirty, or old, and I'm not sweet.  Or young."

"Oh yes you are."  _And you'd rethink the not-dirty thing if you knew--_

"A young _woman_ , yeah.  Not a young _girl_.  A young girl would be like, three or four years old.  On the girl scale, I'm like, ancient."

Joel had started yawning again, but it turned into a laugh at that explanation.  "However you wanna look at it -- you're young, all right?"

"Okay so can you answer the fucking question already?"

"...what was the question again?  -Ow!"  She had actually smacked him that time.  Not hard, though.  _Tired of taking my shit, huh?  My little spitfire..._

"Are we or are we not taking a step now?  And 'we'll see' is not an answer.  And no maybes.  Yes or no.  Please, just... so I know, either way."

Joel hadn't had anything particular in mind when he'd put that on the table.  He'd reckoned he would have a couple more nights without her to mull things over, and that by the time he came home, he'd have more of an idea.  But today... Ellie's _'it's not important'_ sentiment was on the opposite end of the spectrum of what he was thinking.  Now it felt more like, _'why the fuck are we waiting?'_  Ellie had more than proven that this wasn't just some passing infatuation on her end.  And he had no doubt that his own feelings were the permanent kind. 

She'd been very mature about the whole thing.  They joked around about it and all, sure, but she was very respectful of Joel's reservations -- and that couldn't be easy for her when she so vehemently disagreed with them.  She hadn't tried to pull any stunts... aside from the Sophie thing -- which _was_ immature, granted, but that stemmed from her jealousy and insecurity.  No stunts like sneaking into the bathroom when he was showering, or walking around naked herself... she wasn't shoving her hand down his pants, or trying to make him touch her.  He'd braced himself for such things, and pondered how he should deal with them... all for naught.  At least, so far.

He reckoned some of that was due to modesty.  Ellie wasn't a particularly shy girl, generally speaking, but she was young, and inexperienced.  Maybe she wasn't doing all that stuff simply because she didn't know how to go about it, or what would be effective at pushing him over the edge -- in the way she wanted, that is, not in terms of pissing him off.  Except, there was the bed thing... when she'd decided it was wrong of her to give him an ultimatum about them sharing it, and nearly equated it to _rape_ , for fuck's sake... Joel had gotten a kick out of that, but she'd been so earnest, so sincere, so... ready to back off because she felt she was making him uncomfortable.  She was just... _mature_.  That was the word he kept coming back to.  And compassionate.  Unselfish.

"It's okay to say no," she said quietly; he must have been thinking too long.  "I won't be mad, I promise."

_Was she just reading my mind?_    It was a simple question with a simple answer.  But after the intensity of the day he'd had, Joel had actually been thinking of saying something along the lines of _"fuck the steps, let's just go for it."_   And now, after spending a little time with her... he just couldn't be certain he wasn't thinking that for selfish reasons.  Because of some... _need_ that he had, something dormant or latent... a need he'd suddenly been made acutely aware of.  Something he'd only very recently come to believe that sex with Ellie -- or, truly, _making love_ to her -- would fulfill.  And not only that, but that it would be to _her_ benefit, not just his own.  That it was... _okay._ That it would be an expression of love, not lust.  That there was nothing perverted or wrong about his desire.

_It was probably just my dick trying to fool me:  she's FIFTEEN, for chrissakes._   A mature fifteen was still fifteen.  If any other man had such fantasies about his little girl, he'd kill the sick son of a bitch.  The hypocrisy weighed on him.

And yet...

Although he knew he shouldn't treat the matter as 'rewards for good behavior' or anything, hadn't she earned... something?  Not intercourse.  But _some_ thing.  As long as he kept things from escalating too quickly, maybe it was time... maybe he could give a little on that constant, rigid _"NO."_ Take a step, see how she responded to it...

"Joel?" she tried again.

Joel held her really tightly for about five seconds, then relaxed.  "Yes, baby girl.  Not tonight, obviously, but... the answer is yes."


	11. Anticipation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the Carly Simon song. -I suppose it's meant for you readers as much as for Ellie at this point!

Joel had heard Ellie sing in the shower before.  Usually it was more like humming or whistling -- especially when she knew Joel was around.  She wouldn't just belt out a real song, knowing he could hear her.  But this time, she was already in the shower when he got home.

She was humming, at first, and Joel couldn’t place the tune until she started to add words.  And not even all the words -- or all the correct words, at that.  She supplemented with non-words here and there.

_"Sex is natural, sex is... mmnn!... everybody does it, and everybody-- shit!  Um...  
Sex is natural, sex is GOOD -- not everybody does it, but everybody SHOULD!  Sex is nnh nnh, sex is fun, sex is... special... ah-- one on one... unnh!  One on oooonnnne..."_

It was adorable as hell, and Joel couldn't help grinning to himself.  She would undoubtedly be mortified if she knew Joel was home.  He should call to her through the door.  Act like he'd just barely walked in and hadn't really heard anything... 

_Naaaahhhhhh._ If he did that, she would stop!  And, selfish bastard that he was, he wanted to keep enjoying this.

_"I want your ~SEX... dut dut-dut da-dut da-dut dut doodooot -- I want your LOVE~"_

Joel checked the fridge.  Helped himself to some purple Kool-Aid that Ellie had made.

_"What's your definition of dirty, bay-buh-- what do you..._ er... _unh unh unh da-duh... don'tcha know I love ya 'til it hurts me, bay-buh-- don't you think it's time you had -sex! -with! -MEEEEE!"_

Consuming a liquid was probably not the wisest thing to do while listening to Ellie sing this song; he managed not to spew Kool-Aid across the room, but he did splutter some onto his blue plaid shirt.  _Not like one more stain on this shirt will make a whole hell of a lot of difference... and hey, it's even kinda the same color._

Joel enjoyed the concert for another minute or so.  Impressively, she even timed the end of the shower with the end of the song.  He heard _"C-c-c-c-c-c-come onnnnn!"_ as the water stopped. 

And now he _didn't_ want her to think she was in the house alone.  It probably wouldn't be much longer 'til they saw each other naked, but he didn't want the first time -- especially the first time he saw _her_ \-- to be an accident.  He quickly downed the rest of his drink, then rinsed out the glass.  Loudly, with the faucet on full blast.  Setting it down on the counter none too gingerly.  With no fan or water running in the bathroom, he was sure Ellie could hear.  _Too bad I can't see the look on her face right now..._ he imagined her jaw dropping, eyes popping out of her head, and her face flushing redder than her sunburn.

_"Joel?!"_

Yep, she'd heard him.  "Hey, kiddo!" he called back cheerfully.

Silence.  Horrified silence, presumably.

He stayed in the kitchen, checking the homemade ant traps he'd made yesterday.  Amazing what a little sugar, soap, and water could do.  He would clean up the carnage another time.  No further sound escaped the bathroom; he assumed Ellie was quietly getting dressed in there.  When he heard the bathroom door open, he leaned against the back counter and tried to hold back the grin that kept threatening to burst forth.  If he truly hadn't wanted Ellie to know he'd heard her, he could've done a bang-up job of playing dumb, but he wasn't nice enough to do that -- he would rather do a lousy job of pretending he couldn't quite contain his amusement.

She was indeed dressed, respecting their rule.  And her wet hair was combed.  Joel wasn't surprised when she didn't greet him with a hug and kiss like she normally would have.  She took one look at him and his trying-not-to-laugh facial contortions, and scowled darkly.  "You heard!" she accused him.

"Heard what?" he asked innocently. 

"Don't even-- You were listening!"

"I... may have heard a lil' bit.  But hey, singin's meant to be listened to."  He allowed a full grin to emerge now.

She turned away from him.  "Not _shower_ singing!  Uuuugggghhhh!"  She ran over to the couch and threw herself on it face-down.  Joel laughed at her theatrics, and tried to nudge her legs over a little so he could sit next to her.  She resisted the movement.  "Go away!  You're such an asshole!" she shrieked into the couch cushion.

He shoved her over a bit anyway and sat down on the edge.  "I'm an asshole for admirin' your... beautiful singin'?"  He started rubbing her back soothingly with one hand.

"Fuck you!"

Joel chuckled.  _At least she's staying put._ "How long you gonna lie there like that?"

" 'Til you go away.  Or 'til I die, maybe?  Whichever comes first."

Ever the drama queen, when she wanted to be.  Joel squeezed her shoulder and sighed.  "Ellie, c'mon."

"No!  You should've knocked on the door or something."

"I should have," he agreed.

"But you had to be a dick."

"...I did, yes.  I'm sorry.  C'mon, sit up now..."

She wouldn't budge, but she let him continue to idly rub her back.  "That's a real song, you know,” she said, sounding defensive.  “I didn't make it up.  This guy named George Michael sang it."

"I know you didn't.  That song came out when I was real little."  Joel didn't need to ask her how _she_ had heard it; the title was enough to lure any curious teen. 

"Oh.  Okay, so you... good.  When you were little?  You were listening to sex songs?"

"It _came out_ when I was little.  I don' think I heard it for another few years.  But yes, they'd play these songs on the radio an' kids would hear 'em..."  Joel remembered fretting over some of the shit Sarah _chose_ to listen to, let alone what she consumed by accident.  It was strange to think that Ellie had had a _sheltered_ childhood, by comparison, but it was true in some ways.  He didn't know everything that had gone on in the schools -- or orphanages -- she'd lived in, but she'd told him enough to know that they had no music, no movies... at least, not anything like what she could access at the library in Jackson.  Whatever she'd taken in had been at the discretion of the organization, pretty much... supplemented by occasional 'black market' acquisitions, like her Walkman, and that tape her friend had given her.  No pop culture... and he figured Ellie didn't fully comprehended the concept of the internet.  How could she?  It all made her appear to be more innocent, in Joel's eyes.  Like she beheld everything with the wonder and naïveté of a four-year-old.

Unfortunately, it was offset somewhat by the hardships she'd had to endure, growing up basically alone in the world, since that fucking bitch Marlene had remained a stranger to her for thirteen years.  Marlene was still a painful subject for her, and not one that she wanted to talk about anymore.  Joel reckoned she hadn't really forgiven him for killing her.  They hadn't been all that close, from what he could gather, but Marlene had been the only connection Ellie had to her real mother -- and a shitty mother figure was still a mother figure to a lonely orphan.  Whatever need of Ellie's that Marlene had fulfilled... he could only hope that his own love for her compensated for it.  He certainly wasn't going to take Tommy's advice and start dating -- or whatever the fuck it was called these days -- with the hope that a successful match would provide her with a mother.  Of course, that was out of the question now, since he was 'dating' Ellie, but even before that, he'd had no inclination to go there.  Maybe it was arrogant to believe he could be everything she needed, but he didn't think he was doing half bad.  She was happy; he knew _that_ much.  And in the mother department, she had Maria.  Maria adored Ellie, and with this baby on the way... with Maria needing to stay in town, and Ellie's interest in her pregnancy... he thought it had the potential to bring them closer. _I should encourage that.  Especially if I'm now LESS of a parent to her... but if that's true, why do I still feel like she's my daughter?  ...except for the sexual attraction, of course..._

Pondering shit like that hurt his brain, and Joel had no desire to think about it now.  He noticed she'd turned her face to the side.  The wrong side -- facing the couch, so he couldn't see her that well -- but it was a step up from face-down.  _I ain't done giving her shit, though!_ "Some friendly advice.  Next time you forget the lyrics?  Don' say _'shit'_ an' start over.  Jus' keep your cool an' keep goin'."

Ellie snorted.  "Gee, thanks.  I'll remember that the next time I sing in the shower.  Oh, wait -- there won't _be_ a next time.  That's ruined forever now, thanks to you."

"Awww, Ellie, don' say that."  He tried to pry her up off the couch, but she resisted that too, naturally.  "It was cute as hell."

"Hell's not very cute," she muttered, smothering her face with the lumpy old cushion again.

"Why are you kissin' the couch 'stead of kissin' me?" he tried.

"I can't even _look_ at you ever again, much less kiss you," was her muffled response.

"Ever?  Don't you think that's--"

"Never!"

Joel sighed.  "Then you leave me no choice."  His hand wandered over to her side, nudging her shirt up a little and touching her lightly enough to trigger a defensive reflex:  she had to twist her body to the side and curl in on herself in order to ward off a potential tickle attack.  It was either that or try to kick him.  The fact that she went on the defensive rather than the offensive was a good sign; she wasn't _really_ pissed at him.

"No fair!" she laughed -- and _still_ she tried to keep her face hidden.  "Stop it!  I mean it, Joel!"

At least he could grab her and pull her up a little more easily when she was on her side.  He attempted to pull her up into his arms and kiss her, but she was having none of that -- even when he told her -- truthfully! -- that he wasn't trying to tickle her now.  It took another minute of playfighting to finally overcome all the squirming and giggly protesting, but finally she didn't resist when he pressed his lips to hers.  She kissed him back, even.  Hopefully, she had stopped feeling super-embarrassed...

_Nope --_ after a few sweet kisses, she turned and buried her face in his shoulder.  "I hate you, you know."

He chuckled.  "I know.  I'm awful."

"The worst."

He leaned back and got a little more comfortable, tucking her snugly against his side.  "I'm lucky you put up with me."

"You are!  Why are you even home so early?" she asked the pocket of his shirt.  "I thought we were meeting at the house."

Meaning Tommy and Maria's.  "I finished early.  Was hopin' I'd catch you."

"You _caught_ me, all right."

He mussed her wet hair.  "Would you rather have me jus' leave instead?  Stay away from here an' miss out on quality time with--"

"Yes!  That would've been more considerate.  Or you could've just yelled 'hi' to me -- like, let me know the second you got home, so I'd shut up."

_What fun would THAT be?_   "But I love hearin' my baby girl sing," he argued, giving her a squeeze.

"That wasn't-- aarrrgggghhhh, you're impossible!"

"Am I?  I do believe you told me recently that you've got nothin' to hide -- that I can watch your every move, an' you--"

"I said you can _spy_ on me -- that doesn't mean you can listen to me sing!"

Joel loved how she said these things as if they actually made sense.  "What do you reckon spyin' _is?_   Observin' the other person doin' whatever embarrassin' thing they're gonna do 'cause they think--"

"Okay, fine -- I'm withdrawing the offer.  No spying.  Can I die in peace now?"

He chuckled.  "Tell you what.  Tomorrow mornin', I'll sing whatever you want when I'm showerin' an' you can listen to me.  The stupidest song you can think of, I'll sing."

"I get up before you do," she said crossly.

That was true, most of the time.  "Well, you get me up with you then.  I'll get up early, jus' for you."

"It's not the same thing!  You would know I'm listening.  And I'd know that you didn't just decide to start singing it just cuz you... felt like it, or whatever.  -Oh, and by the way, I was only singing that song cuz it got stuck in my head."

_Suuuuuuure you were, baby girl.  Not thinking about sex at ALL._  "Uh-huh."

"I was!  Hey, why does your shirt smell like... something fruity..."

She was trying to change the subject, but if he told her why his shirt smelled like Kool-Aid, she'd probably be even more embarrassed.  He just ignored the question.  "You really are cute, you know."

Ellie finally lifted her head, though she didn't quite look him in the eye.  She groaned and pulled a face.  "I don't wanna be cute."

"I know -- you wanna be sexy.  The two ain't mutually exclusive."

"But... you don't think I'm sexy."

"You're plenty sexy."  Something about her innocence and adorableness _was_ sexy.  It was the weirdest fucking thing.  He kissed her lips, then started trailing little kisses down her neck, inhaling the fresh scent of her clean, damp hair.  "An' you smell real good..."

"What parts of me are sexy?" she pressed.

"All of--"

"You can't say _all_ , that's a cop out.  And no fair doing the neck thing when I'm mad at you..."

Of course, that was precisely the reason he was doing it.  Even if she was only fake-mad; if she were seriously pissed, she wouldn't let him touch her.  He slowly kissed his way back up to her earlobe.  "Your neck is sexy," he whispered.  "An' your little ear..."

"Pffft.  There's nothing sexy about either of those things."

"On me, maybe, but you..." He could feel her shiver when he sucked her earlobe into his mouth.

She squirmed a little.  They'd cuddled and made out enough by now that Joel knew what she liked.  "Oh man," she breathed, "if you do the tongue thing now..."

_...all is forgiven?_   He did the tongue thing. 

She slung her leg over him, and his hand roved over her thigh up to her ass... then he pulled her fully into his lap.  He kissed along her jaw back to her mouth, and she parted her lips for him eagerly. 

Ellie was a good kisser.  Some of their kisses in those first few days had been a bit awkward.  She'd asked him to give her kissing lessons.  He'd told her to just relax... that she was doing just fine in that department.  Even though she'd asked him for advice, he hadn't wanted to make her self-conscious, or to take suggestions as criticism, so he tried to keep her focused on what _she_ liked.  How long.  How wet.  How much tongue.  Nibbling, sucking, licking, tugging... he paid attention to her preferences, even if she didn't verbalize all of them.  If she happened to do something he especially liked, he made sure to let her know.  She hadn't yet done anything that he most certainly _didn't_ like.  He hoped that by the time that happened, she wouldn't take it personally -- or if she did, that he would have a few things to remind her of that he'd done to _her_ that hadn't quite hit the mark.  _Except she's so eager to please me that I ain't sure she'll speak up..._

They seemed to end up like this a lot:  Ellie straddling him, pressing her lithe young body -- particularly her crotch -- against his, and delighting in the result.  She grinned at him when she felt it.  "So... my neck and my ears, huh?"

He knew what she was implying -- that that's what made him hard; she seemed to be a little shy about saying it, most times.  He didn't particularly want to stop kissing her to discuss her sexiness.  "Yep."  Back to kissing...

She laughed.  "You're such a... mmmm... liar..."

He just kept kissing her.  She did kiss him back, but she was the one who kept talking in between.  "Joel..."

He made a little 'hmm' noise that didn't require his tongue and lips to redirect themselves to form words. 

She humored him for another thirty seconds before trying to speak again.  "If we have sex..."

Another 'hmm' as he kissed her.  If he had his way, it would take her a couple minutes just to get this one thought out.

"... ...would we do it... ... ...mmm... like... ... ... ...like this? ... ... ...this position?"

"We could," he paused long enough to murmur.

"Like... ... ... ... for the first time?"

"............No."  He couldn't imagine that going very well for her first time.  Not that he couldn't make it work, but... not what he envisioned.  They kissed for another half a minute before she responded.

"But... ... I know you... ... ... ... ...you like it... ... ... ...mmm... this way..."

He chuckled and finally pulled back enough to speak properly.  "I reckon I'd like it any which way, with you... don' worry about it."

"You've thought about it, right?  Like exactly how we would do it.  The first time."

She'd asked him something similar before, and he was always vague.  Perhaps frustratingly vague... but he did _so_ like to torment her when he could.  She seemed to like being teased, in more ways than one.  The anticipation of the good things in store for them was... _fun._   For him as well as her.  But he knew it was different for her... that all of it was completely foreign and exciting... and maybe scary, too, though she wouldn't admit it.

"Not _exactly_."  He was sure their first time would be missionary style.  But if she was asking him to be really specific, it wasn't a lie... _all right, so I COULD actually tell her that basic thing with confidence... but I want her to have the pleasure of speculation_.  "It ain't like... a script you follow."

"Well... if it's not, then how come we have to take steps?  Can't we just... you know.  Go with the flow?  I'm not just trying to talk you into anything, I swear... I'm just wondering."

It was a fair question.  Joel regarded her for a moment.  "Truth?"

"Always!"

"I can't make up my damn mind.  What the best thing would be as far as... doin' right by you."

"That's a Texas thing, huh.  'Doing right by'?"

"...I don' think so?"  Sometimes Ellie attributed things to Texas that were really just... ordinary things.

"I've never heard anyone else say it.  Except maybe Tommy.  So."

"Wherever it came from... it's what I gotta do.  I prob'ly never shoulda kissed you in the first place--"

"Joel!  You said--"

"I know, I know -- I ain't sayin' I'm sorry I did it," he clarified, smirking a little.  "It jus' wasn' exactly... the most responsible thing for--"

_"Joel!"_ she complained again, thumping him on the chest.

"Fine," he conceded, chuckling at her irritation.  "Be that as it may, I can't jus' think, 'fuck it, we're doin' this now, so it's okay to have sex'..."

"That's _exactly_ what you should be thinking!"  She tried to hit him again, but he grabbed her arm and twisted her body over to the side, so that she was sitting next to him with one leg over his lap.  It made her giggle.  He never got tired of hearing that giggle; it had taken him nearly a year to earn one, and he didn't take them for granted.

He kissed her before explaining further.  "You're still my baby girl.  I'm s'posed to protect you from scum like me."

She rolled her eyes.  "Oh my God.  Except you're forgetting something:  _you're_ _not scum!"_

_Ohhhh yes I am._   "You're jus' biased."

"Well, duh!  You are literally the last person I'd ever need to be protected from.  And anyways, I can protect myself."

He nuzzled the other side of her neck.  "So far you ain't doin' a very good job of that," he whispered huskily.  He nipped her a little; he couldn't go so far as to give her a hickey, of course.  At least, not in the usual places...

"Mmm... cuz you're not doing anything that I need to-- ahh!  That tickles!"

His beard seemed to be able to tickle her sometimes.  He loved making her get all squirmy and giggly and just... _happy_.  She didn't push him away, so it couldn't have been all that ticklish.  He kissed her chastely, then pulled back a little.  "As for the steps... I jus' wanna take things slow an' see how it goes... dip my foot in the water before jumpin' all the way in.  You understand?"

She smiled... that special smile she had that was just for him.  At least, Joel had never seen her use it on anyone else, and he sure as hell hoped he never did.  He thought of it as her _'I love you'_ smile.  "I get it," she said.  "And it's cool that you're looking out for me.  No, not cool... more like fucking _awesome_.  But you _don't have to_.  Not with this.  It doesn't make sense to protect me from... feeling good?  I mean, seriously?"

It was hard to argue that.  She wasn't wrong, but... _shit, how can I make her understand when I don't fully understand it myself?_  Joel sighed.  "It ain't like... ... ...I can't explain it."

"Yeah, because it's bullshit.  Can't explain bullshit!  Except with _more_ bullshit."

He kissed her forehead.  "You're still innocent.  I know you don' think you are, but you are.  That's what I'm protectin' -- your innocence."

"That's dumb.  You know why?  Because if... being a virgin -- if that's what makes me innocent, in your... _delusional_ eyes... well, I can't stay one forever.  You're gonna have to... I mean, time passing isn't going to change anything, right?  I'm innocent until I have sex?  It doesn't matter how much time passes if that's true.  Either you're willing to fuck me-- sorry, _have sex_ with me -- with that as a result, or you're not, and then... well, I guess I _would_ be a virgin forever, cuz I don't want anyone else and I never will.  Even if you're being ridiculous.  I'll die a virgin if that's what you want."

Joel shook his head, chuckling a little.  Even if they never had sex, he knew Ellie wouldn't die a virgin -- she'd have plenty of years left after he died, if he had any say in the matter.  He didn't like to think about it, but it was true.  She wasn't his first, but would be his last; he was _her_ first, but _wouldn't_ be her last.  ...most likely.  In the old world, definitely.  In this one... finding someone special was even more difficult.  _Ellie_ was special, and other guys were bound to notice, but would anyone else spark _her_ interest?  _Maybe at least enough to have sex..._ again, not something he cared to think about at the moment.  _Or ever.  Back to the matter at hand..._ "Nice try.  Guilt-trippin' me won' work."

"I'm not guilt-tripping, I swear!"

"All right, well... it _does_ matter how much time passes... maybe I jus' want you to be innocent a little longer.  Is that so horrible?"

"Yes."

He'd meant it to be a rhetorical question.  "Why?"

"Cuz I'm not a baby!"

"To me, you'll always--"

"--be your baby girl -- okay, it's not horrible," she admitted.  "It's sweet.  I'm just..."

"Impatient?" he supplied -- although she wasn't, really.

"Trying not to be.  As _you_ like to say, I ain't going nowhere.  So, no rush.  I mean, I really really _really_ want to... you know... do stuff.  But -- whenever."  She pulled herself up a little to give him a sweet kiss.

"Thank you, baby girl."  _I better just tell her now so I can't back out later... she'll make me promise, and then she won't stop giving me shit if I try to weasel my way out of it.  And I DO want to move past the goddamn roadblocks in my head..._ He'd started down this path with Ellie, and he didn't want to jerk her around forever.  He'd been home two days already... two days since agreeing to take a step.  But yesterday, after the town meeting... after seeing Earl... after burying three fellow citizens, two of them children... he just hadn't been in the right frame of mind.  And since Ellie hadn't pushed him at all, he didn't think she was, either.  She'd cried, a little.  Especially for the kids.  He knew she would mourn them for a while... perhaps more than he did, as she'd known them better.

Hearing her singing today, though... Joel was grateful that she wasn't wallowing in the sad feelings.  The Step was a _good_ thing.  Something she could look forward to, and feel hopeful about.  A distraction from the bad shit in the world.  _...how's THAT for justification?_  Well, justifiable or not, he'd made up his mind the other day, and in accordance with their no-going-backwards rule, he wasn't about to un-make it now.  "I was thinkin'... maybe after we come home from dinner, we could... step a little."

"Really?!"

"That is, if you still want to," he added with a knowing grin.

She play-slugged him.  "Duh!  Of course I want to!"

"That's hours from now... you might not feel like it later," he teased.

"We could always skip dinner?" she suggested hopefully.

"No, you wanted to help Maria, an' spend time with her, remember?"

"Well, that was _before!"_

Joel chuckled.  "What happened to 'no rush'... 'whenever'... ?"

"Also before."

"Ha!  You're a naughty girl.  I think you can wait.  I think we should go to the library tonight, too."  He didn't really, but he knew Ellie wouldn't stand for that anyway.

"No fucking way!  Dinner, okay, but then-- oh, shit.  Isn't it family movie night?"

"Is it?"  Now that she mentioned it, Joel did recall hearing that get hastily arranged last night.  They'd wanted to squeeze that in before Tommy left town again.

"I'll just say I'm too tired," Ellie said breezily.  "And when I get home, I'll catch a miraculous second wind!"

Joel chuckled.  Amused as he was, he didn't want to cut Ellie's family time short for something that wasn't at all time-sensitive.  "Jus' pick out a short movie.  Maria gets tired early now, don' she?"

"Yeah, I guess... but I won't be able to concentrate at all!" she complained.

He kissed her softly.  "Sure you will.  We don' even have to cuddle, if it's too distractin' for you."

"Haha!  Yeah, right.  You wouldn't be able to sit next to me and not touch me at all."

"...Is that a challenge?"

"No!"

"Good, 'cause you're prob'ly right."  Of course, the cuddling they did at Tommy and Maria's was much more innocent than at home.  He figured they both assumed it was for Ellie's benefit.  She'd grown up so starved for physical affection that once she'd gotten a taste of it, she couldn't get enough.  But Joel had found that he craved it himself now, too.  Just another floodgate the girl had unwittingly opened for him.

Ellie re-straddled his lap... not to further arouse him, it seemed, but just to talk face-to-face more comfortably.  "So, a short movie... or a TV show!  We could start that one Maria mentioned the other day, that they finished over the winter... the one about the island..."

The series she and Tommy had finished but enjoyed so much that they were willing to watch it again with Ellie and Joel.  Joel poked her on both sides playfully.  "Even if we watched two episodes, that's about an hour an' a half.  Think you'll live that long?"

Ellie sighed dramatically.  "Okay.  But we're not gonna hang around the dinner table talking and taking forever.  We eat, we watch, we get outta there."

"You got it."

"Oh!  And I'll go over there early!" cried Ellie excitedly.  "I'll tell her I'm like _starving_ so we have to eat a little earlier than usual."

"Maybe she'll jus' give you a snack," said Joel.  It was fun to play devil's advocate.

"I'll tell her I've eaten nothing all day and that a stupid little snack won't even put a dent in my ginormous hunger."

Joel laughed.  "Look at you, coverin' all your bases."

"Covering my... what?"

"Meanin'... you're prepared for anythin'."

"Oh, I thought you meant... but yeah, I _so_ am!  So what is it?  What's the step?" she asked eagerly.  Adorably.

_Hopefully, I'll figure that out before we get home.  It'll be fun for her to wonder about it all night, anyway._   "You'll see," he said, his tone playfully mysterious to conceal his cluelessness.

"Aww, c'mon, tell me," she cooed, and she started to kiss him again.  "Pleeease?"

"No can do, kiddo.  But feel free to try to work it outta me anyhow."  There were times he did allow her to kiss an answer out of him... she didn't need to know that this particular time, there was no answer to extract as of yet...

But she wasn't going for it anyway.  "Maybe I'd better not.  Gotta save some for later."

"Save some what?  Work?"

"Yeah!  If I use them all up... I mean, I _assume_ the step involves kissing -- or, maybe not the step itself, but we'll be doing it anyway..."

"An' if you kiss me now, you can't later?"  _Is there some finite number of kisses allowed per day?_ he wondered, amused.

"You might say your mouth is worn out or something.  Maybe you'll be too tired to do the step."

He wasn't sure if she was joking; she sounded fairly serious.  "I promise you, I won't be.  Unless..."

Her eyes widened.  "Fuck.  Unless what?!"

"Well, if a hundred Infected show up for dinner, I might get a little worn out fightin' 'em off."  As soon as he said it, he regretted going there; what was he thinking, reminding her of what had just--

But she laughed, much to his relief.  "If that happens, _I_ will fight them off.  You just sit back and rest your... lips, and stuff."

"And stuff?" he repeated, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah, whatever else you might need... like, um..." She looked down.

"Uh... no.  I can assure you, I won' be needin' that.  It ain't gonna be sex."

She grinned at him.  "Doesn't have to be..."

"No." He pulled her into a hug.  It would be so easy to take advantage of her excitement, her eagerness to please.  Not for the first time, he felt a sense of justification for his... perversion, or whatever it was.  He _was_ protecting her from scum with filthy minds, like himself... odd as that seemed.  Whatever normal teenage experiences he was depriving her of, he hoped he more than made up for it with the sincerity and intensity of his feelings for her.  One thing he knew for certain:  no one could love Ellie more than he did.

If he could just remember that when taking The Step that night, whatever it turned out to be, maybe he wouldn't feel like he was taking something important away from her... a piece of her that he could never give back.


	12. What Comes Naturally

Ellie did manage to help Maria get dinner served a tad earlier than usual, but her efforts were nearly in vain when they were ready to eat and Tommy hadn't even arrived home yet.  It amused Joel to see the annoyance flicker across Ellie's face when she heard Maria tell him on the walkie talkie that she'd keep the food warm in the oven while they waited for him.  But Tommy, ever the thoughtful one, insisted that they go ahead and start without him.  His brother had no idea how many points that gesture had just scored him in Ellie's book.

Tommy ended up being only about fifteen minutes late.  He'd been doing what they referred to as an intake:  admitting new residents to town.  A group from some place in Nebraska known as Lord Ranch.  Maria usually helped with that too, but now that she was pregnant, Tommy had felt it was safer not to expose her to their foreign germs, at least until they were done with the quarantine period... and Maria had agreed, a bit reluctantly.  _Overprotectiveness runs in the family?_   The way Joel saw it, whatever viruses and whatnot they might be harboring wouldn't necessarily be gone in a few days.  Some townsfolk who routinely go Outside could pick something up from somewhere, too.  None of them lived in a bubble, although it did feel that way sometimes... anyway, with a pregnant woman, he supposed it was a reasonable precaution to take, and it wasn't like it put undue strain on Tommy to handle the newcomers himself.  He was the one who'd extended the invitation in the first place.

Tommy and Maria had been expecting this group's arrival, but naturally, they hadn't been able to anticipate the exact day and time, and had kept fairly quiet about the whole thing, even with Ellie and Joel.  Which Joel could respect, because who knew if the people would even make it?  But now that they were here, it was okay for Ellie to get excited.  At least she let him sit down first; Tommy had just begun to dig into his Yorkshire pudding when she started pumping him for information.

"So what are they like?  How many in their group?  Anyone my age?  They brought horses too, right?"

Tommy answered her questions in detail, rattling off the 'stats' of the group, and Joel knew Ellie was filing it all away in that sharp young mind of hers.  Tell her something once, and she'd remember it.  Joel, on the other hand, would be lucky to pass a pop quiz on the newcomers ten minutes later.  Things would click a bit better in his head after he met them (though he still might forget their names).  Ellie wanted to meet them because she was curious, and she liked talking to people... hearing all their stories.  Joel wanted to meet them to gauge their threat potential.  Not that he didn't trust his brother's judgment...

Well, when it came down to it, he trusted his own more than anyone else's.

The group had once been larger, but their numbers were steadily dwindling... just like everywhere else outside of Jackson, it seemed.  It was tough to survive out there.  Even if you could survive attacks from Infected or hunters, you also had to keep people from stealing your shit, and a place like Jackson must seem mighty attractive to folks unaccustomed to being safe from all that.  All that remained of them were six horses, five men, two women -- one of them married, thank God, but the younger of the two was single, and Joel knew it was only a matter of time before Tommy started making suggestive remarks.  His brother knew better than to try to play matchmaker anymore, but no matter how many times Joel told him to knock it off, Tommy couldn't seem to resist needling him some.  Now that Tommy believed Ellie had a bit of a crush on Joel, Joel hoped he'd at least be sensitive enough not to do it in front of her.  He didn't need Tommy inadvertently planting more insecurities in her head.

What he didn't expect was for his brother to abruptly shift gears in his matchmaking game.  All Tommy did was _smile_ at Ellie, and Joel felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle.  "So.  You wanna meet them?" Tommy asked, sounding way too eager for Joel's liking.   "I'll bring you in there if you want.  I kinda mentioned to Colton that I had a niece about his age, and he wants to meet you.  Good-lookin' kid, loves horses..."

_Of course he does.  What the fuck kind of name is COLTON, anyway?_  Joel glared at his brother.  "How old did you say this kid was?"

"Eighteen."

"Too old," Joel said without hesitation.  _Yes, I'm a fucking hypocrite.  So shoot me._

Ellie laughed.  "Too old for what?  To be my friend?"

"Yes."  He tried to give her a pointed look.  He always warned her about being mindful of exchanging meaningful looks, that they weren't always as unreadable as she might believe... but everyone in the room -- probably in the whole town -- already knew Joel had the overprotective father thing going on with Ellie, so this would reveal nothing.

She just ignored him anyway.  "Okay," she said to Tommy, cheerfully spearing a forkful of vegetables and shoving them in her mouth.  "I'll meet him.  Them."

Maria seemed to have some sympathy for Joel.  "Don't worry.  You go with her, give him the evil eye... he'll get the picture."

"Hey!" Tommy protested.  "Whose side are you on?"

"Ellie's," she replied, winking at Ellie before turning back to Tommy.  "Babe, do you really think Joel's gonna let her date some new boy we barely know anything about?"

"He won' let her date the ones who've been here for years, either, so what's the difference?" Tommy said, chortling a little.

"You guys!" Ellie jumped in.  "Joel doesn't have to _let_ me do anything.  He's not my dad, remember?  We're like roommates."

Tommy threw a look Joel's way... one that did not go unnoticed by Ellie.  Tommy had noticed that these days, Ellie was quick to point out that they were not father and daughter, whereas before, she seemed to like that association.  He assumed it had to do with her crush on Joel.  Conveniently, almost anything that Ellie didn't hide could be attributed to her alleged crush, and Joel wasn't inclined to disabuse Tommy of that notion.  It was pretty damn close to the truth... and yet, a whole lot different, as far as others' perceptions were concerned.

"Oh, I'm definitely goin'," Joel said in response to Maria's first comment.  Because he couldn't think of any _reasonable precaution_ thing that would fly with Ellie -- and, much as he might like to sometimes, he couldn't keep her under house arrest.  "What's the plan?  Send 'em up to the sister farm?"

"Maybe at some point," his brother replied.  "We'll let 'em settle in here first.  They've been travelin' so long, they seemed kinda excited to spend a couple days in quarantine not doin' jack shit.  You wanna go house-huntin' with me tomorrow?  They want to stay together, at least for the time bein'.  I was thinkin' one of them big ol' houses over on Willow Street might work out nice.  Might need to transplant a door or window here an' there... maybe some furniture..."

"Can I help?" Ellie offered.  "You're still short some construction guys, right?"

"What about the farm?" Joel asked, scooping up the last bite of pudding'n'chicken on his plate.

"I'll do that in the morning, then come help you!" she declared, looking from Joel to Tommy for the okay.

Joel chuckled.  "Anythin' to get outta your field work, hmm?"

"They don't really need me anymore," Ellie said dismissively.  "It's pretty much done... for now, anyway.  It'll be fun to go fix up a house with you guys!"

Joel hadn't even told Tommy he'd do it, but it wasn't like he was in the middle of any important projects.  And he knew Tommy intended to get back to the sister farm soon.  "Sounds good to me."

"All right, Ellie, you can bring the woman's touch to the place," said Tommy.

"Cool!" Ellie beamed.

Joel snorted.  That 'woman's touch' would likely amount to remembering to furnish shit like bed sheets and bath towels, not like the old days when people had the luxury of choosing their decor.  He reached for a second helping... partly just to see if Ellie would get annoyed about prolonging their table time.  She didn't seem to, though.  And he knew she wouldn't refuse seconds.  "Hand over your plate, kiddo.  Maria...?"

"Just a little, thanks."

"The baby likes the Yorkshire pudding, huh!" Ellie chirped.

"He doesn't _not_ like it, at least," Maria replied.  She referred to the baby as a 'he' while Tommy referred to it as a 'she' -- and Ellie tried to alternate genders, but tended to say 'he' more often.  She'd decided this meant they were having a boy.  Just to be contrary, Joel had then predicted it would be a girl.

Tommy refused seconds, as he still had plenty of food on his plate.  "You can finish it off, Joel.  If I get hungry later I'll just eat all your popcorn."  He was referring to the popcorn Joel and Ellie had popped at the library earlier.  It wouldn't be nice and hot, but it would save them a trip over there prior to the start of the show -- and saving time was priority number one for Ellie tonight.

"Not Ellie's share, you won't," Joel said teasingly.  "She won' even share hers with _me_."

She kicked him under the table.  "Shut up -- we eat out of the same bowl!"

A half hour later, the meal consumed and the dishes done, they were all settled in the living room, cuddled up on their respective couches, about to watch the two-part pilot episode of _Lost_.  Ellie had checked the running time:  79 minutes for both parts.  That shaved 11 minutes off of Joel's estimation, Ellie noted -- with silent glee, presumably.

Joel remembered hearing about the show when it was on the air, but in those days, he hadn't had much time for TV, so he'd never watched it.  With six seasons, Ellie had asked if they could watch one episode every time they ate dinner at the house, which was maybe three times a week, these days.  Joel had his doubts about the kids -- the various ones who were there throughout the week on the normal non-family-movie-night days -- letting Ellie actually watch anything uninterrupted, since they regarded her as a cherished playmate.  But she did the math: if they only watched on family movie night (which happened about once a month) at the rate of two episodes a night, and there were 121 episodes total... she would be twenty before they finished the series.  And that was assuming they never watched any actual movies on family movie night instead, or skipped a month somewhere.

He wondered who would be more distracted during the show:  Ellie, from being excited about the upcoming step, or Joel, from having to decide what the hell that step should entail.

 

* * *

 

Surprisingly, Joel wasn't too lost in his own head to get into the show, and he even enjoyed it.  If the walk home was any indication, Ellie did too; she was brimming with her usual happy chatter, questions, observations, and -- since this wasn't a movie with an ending -- some speculation about what would happen next.  Joel even wondered if perhaps she'd forgotten all about The Step.

However, the moment they got safely inside their house, Ellie pounced on him with hugs and kisses and questions about what they were going to do.  He had to laugh.  "Hold your horses!  The night's still young..."

"No it's not, the night is _old_ and I've been waiting all day!" she exclaimed, tugging him toward the bedroom.

Joel resisted the tugging.  "Not all day.  I only mentioned it this af--"

"Close enough!"  She tugged harder.  "How long are you gonna make me wait now?"

"Well, since you're bein' so impatient, I might be tempted to drag things out even longer," he teased, pulling her close.  "How 'bout we do a guitar lesson first?"

"Jooooeeeelllll!" she whined.

"Ellliiieeee," he mimicked.

But then she turned on the pout, and he knew he was done for.  "All right, all right... jus' go an' get ready for bed.  You can go do your bathroom stuff first."

The pout transformed into a huge smile, and she made a _"eeee!"_ sort of noise nearly under her breath.  "Okay -- so -- I should still... get dressed for bed, too?"

"Yep."  She seemed a little disappointed, and again, he had to laugh.  "You wanted to jus' come outta there naked, is that it?"

"Well..."  She blushed.  "Yeah!  If you want me to?  Yeah..."

_Right, that wouldn't be awkward as hell or anything..._ "No.  Go on."  He kissed her, turned her around, and gave her butt a little swat before nudging her toward the hall.  She went without further complaint.

He assumed she was wondering if he intended for them to remain fully clothed, and if so, how small must this step be?  _Haven't figured it all out yet myself, baby girl..._ Joel just thought it would be better to keep things... organic.  And by removing garments gradually, they could just stop if she got shy; she wouldn't have to hide under the blanket or go put her nightclothes on -- or, worse, secretly endure the feeling of discomfort because she thought she was doing what he wanted.

While she was doing her thing in there, Joel shut down the house for the night... and played with the lighting a little.  The bedroom lamp felt too bright... not for him, but for Ellie.  It was nicer with the light on in the other room and the lamp off in the bedroom.  Nearly dark, but there was enough light to see by.  But... then he'd have to go switch that off and fumble around in the dark, or turn on the lamp and then go... not a big deal, really, but annoying.  He decided they could bust out a candle for the occasion.  The town was supposed to be getting a supply of them before winter anyhow, in anticipation of the longer nights making the power outages more debilitating (there was someone in town who knew how to make candles, but it was actually easier to obtain already-made candles than the wax and wicks required to make them).  He hid the candle and matches under the bed, to keep it as a little surprise for Ellie.

When it was his turn in the bathroom, he teasingly told her to keep her shirt on while she waited for him -- and _yes!_ , she was wearing that light yellow button-down shirt that would be... well, easier to work with.  As for himself... he decided to forego the pajama pants and tank top he usually wore; Ellie had seen him in nothing but his boxers before (though only very recently).  He thought about how far they should go as he cleaned up a little... thought about it, and still couldn't decide for sure.  Maybe it didn't make sense to draw a line beforehand -- other than the non-negotiables already seared into his brain.  _Maybe I can't decide because I'm SUPPOSED to just wing it..._

He returned to the bedroom to find Ellie sprawled out on the bed in a way he'd never seen her before:  sort of half on her stomach and half on her side, propped up with her chin resting on one hand, her ass lifted a bit, one leg coiled in front of her.  It was sexy as hell, no doubt, but something about it didn't feel natural to Joel.  Not necessarily because it was his baby girl being sexy... no, it was more like... _she_ wasn't comfortable.  Like she was trying to hold a pose because she felt like she was supposed to. 

_She's imitating Sophie_ , he realized.  _That's the way Sophie was laying on the bed that day_.  He knew better than to mention it. 

He must have been lingering a little bit in the doorway because she laughed nervously.  "Well?" she asked. 

_...What exactly is she asking?_  He just leaned over the bed and gave her a quick kiss.  "Hang on a minute." 

He retrieved the candle, and she cooed at him.  "Oooo, romantic..."

"Thought you'd, uh..." _...feel less self-conscious getting naked?  If that's what we end up doing..._   "...thought you'd like it."

She rolled over into a more Ellie-like position -- completely on her stomach, legs scissoring back and forth.  She usually only had the collar button and the top button undone on that shirt, though, and tonight she had the next one undone as well.  He could just imagine her debating with herself whether to undo it, trying it out in the mirror... maybe she'd undone the next one too but thought better of it... he averted his gaze.  _Yep, still feels pervy to want to look down her shirt.  How the fuck am I going to--_

"Are you nervous?" she asked, smiling at him, looking way more relaxed already as he lit the candle.  Did the thought of him being nervous somehow put her more at ease?

He wasn't nervous.  Not really.  ...Well, maybe a tiny bit.  "We ain't havin' sex," he reminded her.  As if that answered the question.

"I know!  Still."

He just chuckled a little and switched off the light.  Sat on top of the bed and leaned over to kiss her, barely brushing his lips across hers. The candlelight gave the room a soft, cozy glow.

"This is nice."  She swung her legs around and sat up with him.  "So... now I tell you what to do.  Right?"

_...what?_   "Uh... what is it you wanna tell me to do?" he asked, amused.

She pondered this.  "I can't just say... 'fuck me'?"

Joel snorted.  "You can.  Don' mean I'm gonna do it.  An' it ain't specific enough."  He wasn't touching her at all now.  Just waiting to see what she'd do.

"Specifics.  Okay.  Um... kiss me?  No, wait -- _kiss me_ ," she repeated the command with more authority.  Still looked like she was stifling a nervous giggle, though.

Nevertheless, he obliged her, gently caressing her cheek and tilting her chin up.  He kissed her tenderly, slowly... and tried to ignore her eager tongue... the way she opened her mouth... "Go slow," he whispered.

"Okay.  Don't be scared..."

_Scared?_   And she said it without laughing -- _is she serious?_   He smiled.  "I ain't scared of you."

"I think you are," she said in that challenging tone she had that... _sometimes_ worked on him.

He didn't answer.  Just kept kissing her, his hand moving through her silky hair to the back of her head, massaging it slowly.  He teased her a little with his tongue, but he didn't want to kiss her too deeply and get himself all worked up just yet.  His dick was currently... _interested_ in the proceedings, but it was easy enough to keep it where it belonged:  in the back-seat-driver role.

He slowly slid his right hand down her arm to her side and nudged her a bit to get her to lay down with him.  She didn't exactly flinch, but... something close enough to it that Joel got the feeling she wasn't entirely relaxed.  "Don' be scared," he parroted back to her, eliciting a smile.

"I ain't scared of you," she recited cheekily, giggling a little before kissing him.

"I'm not gonna jus'... touch you when you're not expectin' it," he assured her.

"I know," she replied... although Joel wasn't all that certain that she did.  "Not that I'd care.  You can touch me wherever you want.  You know that, right?"

Joel knew that it was easy for her to say that when he'd never taken her up on the offer -- at least not beyond a little clothes-on petting.  But he also knew that she was indeed very willing to do more than they'd done.  He wondered what she'd do if he extended that same offer to her.  Would she immediately shove her hand down there, or would she be shy?  He could see it going either way.

And he wasn't so sure he wanted to be thinking about that right now, because that was... _shit, I still can't decide which is actually dirtier: me touching her or her touching me?_ He knew which would be easier for him to execute -- him touching her.  Making her feel good.  And no way was this first step that she'd so been looking forward to going to involve... _exploiting her, is basically what that is._  

But he wasn't exactly _not_ -exploiting her, going the other way.  The idea of touching her was still a little... _ugh_.  Washing his hands earlier hadn't made them feel any less dirty.

"Joel?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?" 

Her hand was on his cheek, her thumb stroking it a little.  He leaned into her touch.  "Don' worry about me."

She kept caressing his face, running her fingers along his beard.  "But... I do.  I mean... not _worry_ -worry, but like... I want you to be... you know.  Cool with everything.  Maybe it'd be better if _you_ told _me_ what to do, so I don't... fuck it up or something.  Sorry."

"...'Sorry'?  You haven't--"

"I'm sorry cuz most guys like it when a girl orders them around in bed," she said sagely.

"Is that so."  He smirked a little.  "An' you know this because... you've been in bed with lots of guys?"

"Oh yeah.  Tons."

"Mm.  Guess I'll have to go kill tons of guys, then."

She giggled.  _So cute._  "Nooooo, you promised me a fucking _step!"_

"That I did.  Guess the killin' can wait a while."  He kissed her in the same manner as before, his fingertips lightly massaging her head, then her neck.  She seemed a bit more relaxed again.  He let his hand wander a little as they kissed, sticking to safe territory:  her shoulder... arm... hip... the small of her back.

"Joel..."

"Yes, baby girl..." He kept kissing her softly.  Fluttery little kisses.

She kissed him a couple more times before speaking again. "Can you, um..."

That made him pull back a little.  "Can I what?  You wanna stop?"

"No!  Fuck, we haven't even _done_ anything.  You're not getting off the hook _that_ easily," she teased.

Was he on a hook?  Maybe.  A little.  But he didn't want to stop before they started, either.  He tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear.  "Then... ?"

"Just... you're not telling me what I'm supposed to do."

He smiled.  "There's no _s'posed_ to.  I've already told you--"

"Yeah yeah, you always tell me to be myself.  Which isn't _specific_ enough."

"Ha!  Look at you, throwin' my words back at me."  He tried to kiss her again, but there was no distracting her from this thought.

"I mean like... there's different versions of me, right?  Not just me... it's everyone.  We act different depending on the situation."

He decided it was a good time to kiss her neck the way she liked.  He gave a little 'mm' response to indicate that he was actually listening to her, though.

"Like, with you... there's serious Joel and funny Joel... and... like you're different when you're working... or when you're... well, killing people... and you can be really... sweet..." She let him kiss her ear for a couple seconds before pulling back, laughing a little.  "Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes.  I'm tryin' to be sweet-Joel for you."  He pulled her close again, but figured he'd better stick to her neck, which apparently didn't make her think he wasn't listening, the way her ear seemed to...

She allowed it.  "Okay.  So... I don't really know how to be... ..."

"...be...?"

"You know.  Sexy.  I'm trying to learn but it's... kinda hard to learn without... doing it, I guess?  Er... I mean... am I supposed to act like... I don't wanna make you..."

He kissed her lips.  Caressed her cheek and looked into her eyes.  "What're you afraid of?  You're doin' fine.  Jus' enjoy yourself."

"I _am_ , just... okay, so like, one thing I shouldn't do is... laugh.  Right?  Because then you'll think I'm a little girl.  Women don't really laugh, when..."

_Where does she get this shit?_  Joel chuckled.  "You think that... girls stop laughin' when they become adults?"

She rolled her eyes.  "No, silly.  I mean for sex.  Or sex type stuff."

He was still a little bewildered.  "Uh... you can laugh if somethin's funny?  Sometimes it can be funny.  Or if somethin's ticklish... jus' laugh if you want to."

"Doesn't that... kill the mood, or whatever?"

"...I don' think so?"

"But really I'm supposed to moan.  And then not laugh at how dumb I sound when I moan."

"Ellie..." He sighed, but not in an exasperated way.  He kissed her nose.  "When I say 'be yourself,' I mean... _be yourself_.  Laugh if you want to, moan if you want to, jus' quit thinkin' about what you think you're s'posed to be doin', an'... do what comes natural."

"That's the thing.  What if what's _supposed_ to come natural... doesn't?"  She pouted a little.  "What if I do something stupid and you laugh at me?"

Generally, she seemed to like it when he laughed at her.  Maybe not with the shower singing... but he hadn't even given her that much shit for it.  He loved that she made him laugh.  He'd laughed more with her in this past year than in the last twenty-plus years on the whole.  He ran his hand through her hair and pulled her close for another kiss before looking at her again.  "Do you feel like I'm laughin' at you?" he asked with genuine concern.

"No... not really... ... ...maybe a little, kind of..."

"I'm not.  I swear.  I... _like_ the way you... it ain't the same as makin' fun of you.  I want you to ask me things... tell me things... don' stop doin' that."  He punctuated it with a little kiss.  "Please."

She gave him a shy smile.  "I like asking you stuff."

"Good."

"But... I don't want you to think that I'm... too young, or too immature."

"I don' think that at all," he assured her.  "You _are_ young, yes, but that's... because you are."

"Gee, thanks for that brilliant insight."

He laughed.  "That didn' come out right.  No, I was gonna say... you're young, but I won't... think of you that way, based on your questions, or... inexperience.  I actually think the opposite."

"You do?  That I'm _old?"_

"That you're mature enough to talk to me, an' tell me what you're thinkin' or feelin'... it makes it a little easier to be the dirty old man who--"

"You're not!  Don't call yourself that!"

"It's what I am.  Denyin' it's like sayin' you ain't young.  We are what we are.  I want you to talk to me, 'cause if you don't... an' I do somethin' that upsets you--" --he covered her mouth with his hand before she could tell him that he wouldn't-- "--you know how shitty I would feel later?"

She licked his palm, which succeeded in making him drop the hand from her mouth.  "I knoooooow.  But you don't have to worry about that.  I do tell you how I feel.  Except... actually there's something I have to tell you before we... do anything."

"What's that?"  Her tone didn't lead him to believe it was anything seriously bad... she looked a little sheepish, if anything...

She kissed him first, her hand grazing his cheek again.  Then she looked him directly in the eye and said, "Joel... I love you."

He certainly hadn't expected that.  Hearing it made his stomach do a little flip... _maybe Ellie's not the only teenage girl here_.  She seemed to have that effect on him sometimes.  _She's so sweet... so sincere... but damnit, I was supposed to say it first!_  She had told him she was _in_ love with him, that one awful night... only because he'd been so slow on the uptake that she'd had to spell it out for him.  But somehow, it wasn't quite the same thing.  Like the 'love' carried more weight as a verb.  Plus, she hadn’t even said as much since then.  He realized she was waiting for him to say something, and he smiled at her.  "That's good... 'cause you might've noticed, I love you, too."

"Really??"  She beamed at him, and then kissed him so hard that Joel wondered if it was actually news to her.

He laughed and hugged her.  "You really didn' know?"

"No, I did, I guess, but... not for sure?  I mean, we talked about the whole... unconditional love thing, that one time... but that's not the same thing as... I mean, I _love_ you-love you."

Joel chuckled.  "I know what you mean.  I... _love you-love you_ too.  Shit -- I'm sorry I didn' tell you before."

"Aww, don't feel bad!  It makes more sense for me to tell you first.  I do most of the talking, between the two of us.  And I had to tell you because if a person says it after... messing around... then it doesn't mean anything."

"What?  Ellie, where are you gettin' these notions from?" Joel snorted.  "I could make an argument for the opposite -- if you say it before, maybe you're jus' sayin' it to get into the other person's pants." Maybe Joel was a sick fuck, but at least his being with Ellie prevented her from being with manipulative, opportunistic assholes.

Ellie giggled.  "Ohhhhh you got me.  That's why I said it.  Except you're not even wearing pants.  I already got past those."

"You aren't wearin' any either," he whispered like it was a secret, and he ran his hand up her leg to her butt as he started to kiss her again.  He'd touched her ass enough times that it was relatively 'safe' (although he usually did it when she had jeans on).  He rested his hand there a moment, then inched it toward her crotch.  He felt her tense a little, but she kept kissing him... he grazed the front of her underwear with the back of his hand before returning to her thigh.  It was the lightest of grazes, but he'd only ever touched her there -- fleetingly -- through her jeans. 

She didn't roll away from him.  Didn't tell him that he was creeping her out, or that she maybe wasn't ready to do this stuff after all.  In fact, she seemed to like it.  "Do I take my underwear off now?" she asked eagerly, between kisses.

_So much for being shy?_   "No, baby girl... ssshhh..."  He trusted himself more with a barrier in place, even if it was a rather flimsy one.

They'd been kissing for about another minute when she spoke up.  "Joel... you can touch me there again.  If you want."

"Good to know," he said lightly.  He would make her wait a bit, though -- his hand was on her shoulder now.  He trailed it down over the front of her shirt to her left breast.  Not counting the time he'd accidentally molested her in his sleep, he'd only touched her there through her clothes as well.  He hooked his thumb on the 'v' of her shirt.  "What about here?"

"That's good too," she breathed.

He kissed her slowly, a little more sensually now, as his fingers worked open another button on her shirt.  He couldn't do much with his other hand at the moment, due to the way they were situated, on their sides... but it was better if she only had the one hand to worry about anyway.  He waited a bit before undoing the next button, leaving only the very bottom one buttoned... so that the shirt wouldn't just fall open and possibly make her self-conscious.  No protest so far.  He slipped his hand inside and caressed her side, from her waist up -- firmly enough not to tickle, though she squirmed a little in anticipation of that, and he chuckled.  "That didn' tickle, did it?" 

"No..."  She kissed him as he drew his hand up the far side of her breast... then all the way back down... up between her breasts, and back to her stomach.  She broke their kiss and smiled at him... and _damn_ , was that a sexy smile she gave him right there... "You can touch me.  It's okay.  I _want_ you to..."

He had assumed she wasn't opposed to it -- hell, she'd been telling him that since the sleep-fondle thing -- but he still couldn't help feeling a bit... well... _dirty_.

She seemed to read his mind.  "I'm not a little girl," she reminded him.  That point was debatable, but he didn't argue.  He rested his hand just beneath the more accessible breast, the left one he'd been teasing a bit... his thumb stroking the underside of it.  She surprised him by putting her hand on top of his and moving it up over her nipple, pressing herself into his hand and hitching her leg up over his to get closer to him.  "Is that okay?" she asked him.

He chuckled.  "Hey.  I'm supposed to be askin' _you._ " _Why does this whole thing seem a little ass-backwards?!_

"My answer is always gonna be yes, so you don't have to ask," she said with a grin.  "I want your hands on me all over the place..."

He kissed her a little harder, but kept his touch gentle; there'd be plenty of time in future 'play sessions' to find out what she preferred, and he wasn't even completely okay with just the soft touches himself. _It's all right... she WANTS you to,_ he told himself.  _That makes it okay, or sort of okay... or at least not NOT-okay..._ He kneaded her breast lightly... lifted his hand a little to dance his fingertips over it... cupped it while his thumb caressed the nipple... she made some soft 'mmm' noises that told him she at least wasn't hating it.  'Seeing' her breast with his fingers was exciting, and made him want more of her.  After all this time, he still couldn't quite believe that this beautiful young girl -- young _woman_ \-- was willing to let him touch her, kiss her... that she would make herself vulnerable in this way, as she had with no other man.  That fact was possibly as intoxicating to him as the physical stuff, if not more so.

His lips drifted to her throat... her neck... her collar bone, then down her chest, resting there a moment.  She was still hugging him close to her.  "You can kiss me there if you want," she offered.

_She's so cute -- she won't just tell me to do it.  Just in case maybe I wouldn't want to?_   He kissed her flesh slowly, planting three soft kisses on his way to her nipple.  _Gentle and slow..._ he grazed his lips over it tentatively... _she told you it was okay, motherfucker, just do it._   He kissed it the way he would kiss her forehead, or her nose.  She didn't freak out, or cringe, or do anything to make him think twice about where he was putting his dirty mouth.  He still couldn't see her that well, with the dim candle light throwing everything into shadow -- but he didn't need to see her with his eyes.  His hand massaged her side as he kissed the rest of her perfect little breast, his lips caressing the soft skin in a path that circled around her nipple for half a minute.  When he returned to it, he wet his lips and parted them a little more... enough to cover it with his mouth. 

She clutched his head and pushed against him... like she'd push her entire breast into his mouth if she could.  _Obviously, she likes it..._ He gave the nipple a few wet kisses, then dabbed at it with his tongue, experimenting with flicking motions... licking... when he sucked the nipple into his mouth and sort of lapped at the underside of it, she 'mmmmmm'd loud enough to make herself giggle a little.  Joel thought that was cute, but he didn't acknowledge it... didn't want her to think that noises of pleasure were noteworthy enough to make him stop and comment... that she might be, God forbid, _weird_.  The nipple stiffened a little... _not as much as my dick just did, though..._

She was clearly annoyed with her shirt.  She shifted around and tugged on it a little as he worked her nipple in his mouth... eventually she pulled back enough to undo the last button with both hands, unlatching him.  "I don't want this thing on," she grumbled.

He helped her pull it down off her shoulders and arms... she tossed it aside, and then she was laying there, as close to naked as he'd ever seen her, her panties askew enough to give him a glimpse of... well, it could have been a shadow, or... even a wrinkle in the fabric? ... _no, that don't make sense, but a shadow, maybe.._. the candlelight kept it ambiguous enough to allow for some speculation.  He couldn't seem to help staring a little.  _I would know if I touch her there..._ _on her inner thigh first, then--_

She smiled shyly and kissed him again, rescuing him from that little dilemma.  Her breasts pressed against his bare chest.  "Mmmm... this is like, _way_ better than hugging you with clothes on," she murmured into his mouth.

"It sure is," he agreed, holding her close.  Something about skin-to-skin was just so much more pleasurable and satisfying than skin-to-cloth.  "You good so far?"  She sure seemed like she was, but for some reason, he still had to ask.

"Mmhmm.  _Very_ good.  That was like... I liked that.  What you just did.  Which is a little weird..."

"How is it weird?  It's... natural."  Maybe he was overusing the word, but it did apply.  "I did it 'cause I thought you might like it."

"I did!  Just, um... well, is that what it feels like when a mom feeds her baby?  In the movies or whatever, you can't tell if... it doesn't look like..."

Joel chuckled.  "I wouldn' know.  But I think it's... I wouldn' know," he repeated dumbly.  "You can ask Maria next year."

She giggled.  "Oh yeah.  Cuz _that_ wouldn't be an awkward question or anything."

"Just ask her if it hurts an' maybe she'll try to describe how it feels," Joel suggested.

"Good idea.  So... what about you?" She touched his face gently.  "Are you good so far?"

He took her hand in his and kissed her fingertips.  "I'm... happy as a pig in shit."

She giggled softly.  "So romantic.  You know, you said 'shit' the first time you kissed me."

"Did I?"

"Yeah.  Like you fucked up or something."  She ran her hand through his hair.  "It was kinda cute, actually."

"I ain't cute," he growled, moving his lips back over her neck.

"You aaaaaare!" she insisted.  "And you like it when I think you're cute.  You just can't admit it cuz you try to be a bad-ass all the time..."

He snorted.  "I don' think I'm bein' bad-ass right now...?"

"Hmm.  Isn't it pretty bad-ass to get a girl in bed?  A naked girl?  Or, almost-naked..."

_Right... it's a real feat to lure an eager, hormonal teenage girl to bed._  "I s'pose... if the girl's as pretty as you?  Sure."

Her laugh was a little nervous, and she started to contest that, but stopped herself.  _My Ellie still can't take a compliment about her looks._   He lifted his head back up to plant little kisses on her face, ending at her lips.  "You're beautiful, you know that?"

"I'm... glad you think so," she said, which at least wasn't a denial.  He would bet she was blushing right now, but the dim lighting was merciful to her that way.

"I do, 'cause you are."  He gave her another lingering kiss, then trailed a finger down her cheek... to that shy, tentative smile that had returned.

"Joel, um... so do you think... ... ..."

"...do I think what?"

"Do I look like... do _they_ look like... you know..."

"You're beautiful," he repeated.

"You don't think that... maybe... um... ..."

"...hmm?"  He kissed her gently.  He knew generally what she was trying to say -- that she was trying to figure out if she was 'normal' or not -- but he wondered if she could voice something more specific.  Joel couldn't fathom what that would be; she truly was beautiful.

"Nothing," she mumbled.

He trailed his hand back down to her breast.  "Ellie, I don' know what you could possibly think would be... _wrong_ , about... anythin' about your body.  You're perfect."

"Am not," she scoffed.  But she seemed pleased.

"To me, you are."  He kissed her while his hand idly fondled her.  She was more relaxed now, definitely... he just wasn't sure how far to take things.  The idea of steps was nice and all, but... like he was thinking earlier, maybe it was too logical for something that just wasn't _meant_ to be entirely logical.  If he wanted her to act 'naturally,' it made sense for him to do the same... _or is that my dick talking?_ He wanted her.  _All_ of her.  If he didn't put restrictions on himself, they could very easily end up having sex, and he just couldn't be so casual about taking her virginity.  Fooling around was bad enough; he was crossing lines right and left, sure, but _that_ would be going too far, no doubt about it.  And he didn't want to overwhelm Ellie.  This was all new to her.  _I'll give her an easy out, if she wants it._  "We can jus' keep doin' this... nothin' more... that was a pretty big step, don'tcha think?"

"No!"  No hesitation.

"You don' think gettin' half-naked an' lettin' me--"

"Yeah, fine, it was a big step, but I don't wanna stop!  Do you?"

...Did he?  Not really.  His dick certainly didn't, but Joel wasn't planning on indulging its wants tonight anyhow.  "All right, let's jus' see how it goes."

A huge smile.  "It's going _great_.  We can totally do another step.  I'm proud of you!"

_Ha!_  "Is that so?"

"Yep!  See, it's not so bad, right?  It's fun?"

"Very."  He re-tangled his hand in her hair and pulled her into another kiss.  _She's proud of me... that's pretty fucking adorable._   Joel didn't think it would be appropriate right now to tell her he was also proud of _her_ , because she might take it as... a judgment of performance, or something along those lines.  That as long as she raised no objections and did whatever he wanted, he would be _proud_ of her.

But he _was_ proud of her.  Proud to be with her... proud that she was his.  And the trust she placed in him... he couldn't even describe how good that made him feel, other than to say it felt truly amazing.  _Time to make HER feel amazing now..._

Or so he hoped.  There was still the chance she would stop him before that point... or maybe his efforts wouldn't be successful, for whatever reason.  Judging by the way she'd responded to him so far, though, he was feeling pretty confident that she would enjoy it too much to call it off, and eventually...

If she thought Step One was great, Step Two was about to blow her mind.


	13. A Good Fit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I'm supposed to switch to Ellie POV here if I follow my own MO for scenes like this, but see, when I wrote the "zero draft" of the previous chapter and this one, they were one and the same. I realized that by the time I was done with revisions, it would be way too long for one chapter, so I left a placeholder chapter and figured out how to divide it up later... and since I'd already written so much for Joel, I didn't want to take that away from him :) Thus, we have the fourth Joel chapter in a row. I just checked the rest of the fic, and from here on out, I have no more than TWO consecutive chapters for either of them. And in the end, it works out equally.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the chapter!

Now that he'd touched her a bit and nothing grievous had happened -- the sky hadn't fallen, he hadn't found himself transported to the realm of hell reserved for child molesters, etcetera -- Joel proceeded with a little more confidence.  He decided he needed to find out if Ellie's right breast could possibly be as sweet as her left.  He kissed his way down there, and again she pressed herself into him, her leg drawing them closer together.  At this angle, her torso was twisted a little, as she needed to be more on her back than her side to allow him access. 

His tongue toyed with her nipple while his hand roamed down her other side, then he shifted up so he could kiss her lips again.  She rolled toward him to lay on her side again as they kissed. 

"Still doin' good?" he just had to ask.

She leaned her forehead against his.  "Yessssss..."

"Jus' makin' sure."

"But... um..."

"...um?"

"What am I supposed to be doing when you--"

"Ssshhh.  Relax."  He caressed her cheek and looked into those innocent green eyes... _yes, still innocent_.  "That's all."

"No, _really_."

"Really.  Jus' lay back... don' think about anythin'." 

"Can I at least... touch your shoulders, or your hair, or... whatever I can reach..." She lightly drummed her fingertips along his jaw to his chin, and he smiled a little; he always loved it when she touched his face.

"If you want to.  Sure.  But don' worry about it, all right?"  He coaxed her on to her back and kissed her while his hand resumed its wandering.  Curious to see if she would move it again to where she wanted it, he traced the elastic of her panties with his fingertips, and she arched her back, just a little.  _Involuntarily?_ he wondered.  Her legs were... stiff.  He knew the back-arching thing was good, but the rest of her just didn't seem... "Relax," he repeated, whispering into her lips.  "I ain't gonna just..."

"I _am_ relaxed!"

"All right..." He didn't think she was, all that much... but if he harped on it, maybe she'd start feeling like she was Doing It Wrong.  He knew it wasn't the easiest thing in the world to be excited yet relaxed at the same time.  ...at least, he was pretty sure it was excitement keeping her a bit on edge.  _She would've taken the out if she really didn't want to continue_ , he reminded himself.  It was his job to relax her.  Like by kissing her neck the way she liked, maybe cooling it on the deeper kisses somewhat... maybe caress less erotic places on her body for a few minutes. 

Or... maybe just a few _moments_.  He couldn't help teasing her a little bit by dancing his hand every which way down there except for a direct hit, and she made a little noise under her breath that could have been a moan.  Still, she didn't move his hand, or ask him to touch her.

His touch was a little firmer up above... he massaged her breast, and she seemed to like it... "Your heart's beatin' real fast," he noted.  He was certain now that it was due to pleasurable anticipation and not apprehension, but he feigned uncertainty.  _Because I'm a dick like that.  ...and sometimes it's just fun to hear what comes out of that sweet little mouth of hers._   "You _sure_ you're all right?  Am I goin' too fast?"

"I'm fiiine," she said, with less exasperation than he'd expected.  She rolled back on to her side to face him and laced her fingers with his, moving their hands idly while she spoke.  "Really, truly, totally fine.  Like so incredibly fucking fine that you don't have to worry about-- _anything_.  You're not going too fast.  I mean, you haven't even... you can go faster, actually."

Joel could imagine how sexy she would be with a little more confidence.  It was an exciting thought, and he was a little too damn excited already.  Besides, he also wanted to enjoy her innocence.  For the time being, he didn't even care that the way he was enjoying it now was creepy as fuck.  _Plenty of time to beat myself up for it later if needed._

She let go of his hand to pull his face back to hers and kiss him, more passionately than before.  He noticed that she'd straightened out the leg that had been resting on his.  Straightened it, curled it up again, then settled on leaving it straight.  He almost asked her about that, but stopped himself; he didn't want her to think that his asking meant it was -- that dreaded word -- _weird_.  He had no doubt that in time, Ellie would be okay with weird.  Might even embrace it.

The next time his hand passed over the inner thigh of her right leg -- the one she was laying on -- she shifted to align her crotch with his hand; rather than move his hand, she essentially used her body to touch it _._   Still through her panties, at least.  He chuckled a little.  "All right, then..."

"I like your hand," she said simply.

_So sweet._   "I like every part of your body," he countered before kissing her eager mouth again.  He didn't move his hand much... not while it was directly on her crotch, anyway.  He played with her a bit, dusting his fingers over her thighs and ass and even up her back a little before returning to the area.  He traced a finger up one panty line and down the other... _and no, those ain't shadows..._ his fingertips brushed her pubic hair.  It was softer than he'd expected.  A couple of tiny holes in her underwear allowed him to feel it, too.  He lingered in these places... imagined sliding a finger in from the side or poking one through a hole, which would of course expand the hole if he wriggled it around some... he could just rip her underwear away altogether...

He may have lingered a bit too long, because she broke their kiss to sort of giggle under her breath.  "Um... you like _every_ part?  Even... _that?"_

"What, this?" He trailed his finger along the downy edge -- which felt safer than touching the more centrally-located holey parts of her underwear.  _Stick to the suburbs..._ "I sure do."

"Omigod -- how did that -- " She straightened her underwear to hide the hair he was fondling.  "You could've told me it was crooked!  Wait -- don't take your hand away, though..." She grabbed his hand and returned it to its former place... except not quite so much on the edge as right smack in the middle.

Joel couldn't decide which was more amusing:  her outrage at the shifting underwear, or how quickly she recovered from it to ensure that he kept fondling her.  "Maybe I _should_ take it away.  I might mess up the alignment if I keep it--"

She shut him up with a heated kiss.  He nudged her onto her back again, noting that her legs seemed more... well, not quite so rigid, anyway.  Every time he grazed her somewhere exciting, she spread them a little; when his hand wandered away, they slackened again.  After the third time, she laughed a little.  "That's weird, how you do that... like flipping a switch or something."

He thought she sounded a little self-conscious.  "That's good.  Very normal.  Tells me you're enjoyin' it."

"I really, really am," she was quick to assure him.  She hugged him closer to her and leaned in to kiss his earlobe the same way she liked him to kiss hers.  He reckoned it produced a similar reaction -- he shivered pleasantly, all the way down to his toes.  "You can take my underwear off..." she whispered in his ear, and another little ripple of pleasure followed the same path as the first.

He allowed himself a lightning-quick fantasy of doing just that -- taking off her panties... climbing on top of her... then mentally groaned as he extinguished the fantasy.  "No can do, kiddo."  ... _And, fond_ _as I am of that phrase, I should probably stop calling her by that nickname..._

"Why not?"

"Well, for one thing, you jus' freaked out when it... when I saw..."

"No I didn't!  That's just cuz... well, it looked stupid like that."

"It didn' look stupid.  Not like I can see that well in this light anyway, but... it looked... " _Enticing.  Tantalizing.  HOT._   _Oh, what the hell_ \-- "Hot, is how it looked."

"Yeah, right!"

"It did."  It was awfully deviant to have that opinion about a young girl, but he was too far down the perv road to care at this point.  "But no, I can't take 'em off."

"Yes you can," she encouraged him.  "Or... _I_ can... if you feel like--"

"No."  He kissed her pout.  "I'm glad you feel comfy an' all, but that's... not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"'Cause... it's not."

"That's not a reason."

"Jus' trust me."

"I do!  What if I just..."  She started to tug them down, but quite slowly.  Like she was just testing him to see if he'd stop her.

Which he did; he quickly covered her hand with his.  "Please don't."

"...I'm sorry.  Are you mad?"  She bit her lip.

_Why does she always think I'm gonna get mad at her?_   He kissed her gently.  "Not at all.  It's all right."

"Do you wanna stop?" she asked.

He was surprised she would even suggest that.  "Only if you do."

"No!  No, I don't," she said earnestly.  "I just want you to be okay."

"Okay then."  They resumed kissing, and his hand wandered over her torso, lingering over her breast. 

She broke the kiss to lament, "Sorry they're not bigger."

Joel was a little taken aback; she'd been so eager to take her shirt off, and hadn't said anything of the sort then.  He'd already had a pretty good idea of their size before that, since he'd seen her about a million times.  Even though she didn't wear clothes that showed off her cleavage, it wasn't like they were completely hidden.  And they certainly didn't need to be any bigger.  He quite liked the way they filled his hands.  "They're plenty big," he told her, shifting down to kiss each nipple. 

"Liar."

"I ain't lyin'.  They're exactly the size they're s'posed to be."

"Pffffft."

"They are.  An' you sure as hell don' need to _apologize_."

Silence.

"...They're bigger than mine, an' that's all that matters."

Finally, a smile.  "Ha.  We've already discussed your man boobs -- you don't have any."

"Exactly."  He nuzzled her neck and played with the other breast a little.  "But I don' know why you think they should be bigger."

"When I lay on my back, they disappear!"

"What?"

"See?!"  She demonstrated.  "If my arms go up like this..."

The pose reminded him of a ballerina.  The way the candlelight bathed her body when she was on her back was... lovely, was the word that came to mind.  He chuckled.  "That's jus'... gravity or somethin'.  Spreadin' 'em out a little.  I can make 'em come back..." He leaned over and groped one.  "See?"

She giggled.  "Okay.  As long as _you_ like them..."

"I do."  Every part of her body was in perfect proportion.  He honestly didn't get why she was self-conscious about it at all -- other than she was female, and females in general seemed to be dissatisfied with their bodies... or, they used to be.  It didn't seem like it should be a problem anymore.  Ellie's reaction to that ad they'd seen (the one with the thin model) reinforced that notion.  It was refreshing that, unlike the teenage girls from his time, Ellie didn't think she was fat.  She had the opposite problem:  she thought she was too skinny.  Which, Joel had to admit, he'd told her a time or two himself, carelessly not even considering how the words might affect her self-esteem.  Hopefully he'd counteracted that by praising her for the weight she'd gained in the months since they'd arrived in Jackson (he'd worded it more tactfully than that, although he suspected Ellie might not even have taken offense if he hadn't).  She was still small and slender -- she just had a little meat on her bones now, and had a healthy... not-starved look about her.  Soft and supple, she was so damn... _touchable_ , and someday, Joel would kiss each and every one of her freckles.  Plus all the spaces in between.

_First things first._   His hand made its way down to her hips, and he didn't make her wait quite so long this time before playing with her panties again.  He tentatively slipped his fingers beneath the elastic waistband, making her suck in her breath.  He planted soft kisses on her throat as he held his hand there a few moments, resting his fingertips in the soft nest... _she seems all right_... his fingers slowly slid southward...

_Holy shit, she's so fucking WET..._ Joel hoped he didn't cream his shorts.  Then again, that would solve _that_ problem...

He kissed her deeply.  Hungry, heated kisses that intensified along with their mutual arousal.  She was trying to hug him with her arms, but her legs just seemed to want to stay open... he tried not to look.  He could avoid looking _and_ help her hug him without contorting herself if he leaned over her more... by getting halfway on top of her... but the problem with that was it gave him a mighty strong urge to climb _all_ the way on top of her.  He felt more comfortable sticking to the sidelines.  "Lay back an' relax," he urged her again, nudging her a little with his face... making her turn her head when he kissed her cheek... her jaw... her ear.

" 'kay..." she said, sounding... dreamy.

_That's better._   She was completely on her back again, loose and languid, seemingly content to just let him do... whatever.  He hoped she would finally stop worrying about what she was supposed to do now, as he slowly moved his hand around a little more, enjoying her softness.  A finger dipped beneath the curls to caress the tender flesh there.  _She's so... Jesus fucking Christ..._ He buried his face in her neck.  As if that would help him not 'see' what he was seeing... the unique beauty of her body becoming more and more aroused.  When he started to shift his hand upward, she quickly put her hand over his, holding it in place.  "Don't!  Please... keep doing that..."

He chuckled.  "I wasn't goin' far..." But he resumed the tentative stroking in the place that made her 'mmm' a little louder.  _So hot... so wrong... so very fucking wrong... but so hot..._

She started bucking into his hand a little, and he couldn't resist peeking... _Christ._   She spread her legs even more for him, and again he had himself a nice little fantasy.  _Someday,_ he tried to tell his perv-brain. 

She suddenly went still.  "Is it weird that I want to move, like..."

"No!  I like it... it's good you wanna do that."  He let his hand rest where it was... his thumb on her clit.  _SO. WRONG._   Maybe his brain was a little confused since she was being erotic one moment and adorable the next.  He kissed her temple.  "Don' be embarrassed.  The way you're... well..." He grunted a little to help get his point across.  "It's hot as hell.  It, uh... makes me..."

"Oh!" she said happily, eyeing his crotch; he couldn't pretend she didn't notice this time, but she didn't verbalize it, at least...  "Right.  Okay.  So... am I being... _sexxyyyy?"_

"Yes.  Very.  Jus' kiss me..."

He slid his middle finger down through the damp curls... _damp?  More like fucking saturated..._ the way she was rubbing herself against his hand, he didn't even have to move it much now. 

She panted softly into his mouth.  "Jesus _fuck_ , Joel, that's... omigod..."

She'd admitted to him before that she'd masturbated 'a few times,' but she wouldn't go into details.  He got the feeling she'd never brought herself to orgasm.  She claimed that since they'd gotten together, she hadn't done it at all -- because she wanted to save that for Joel.  Like with the kisses, earlier -- as if there were a finite number, and they should all be his.  He could have told her it was okay to keep touching herself, but, selfish bastard that he was, he rather liked the idea of being the only one to make her come.  _...for the first time, at least?_   And she wouldn't touch herself while he was in the bed anyway -- at least, not outside of his own sick fantasies.

He kept kissing her, and rubbing her... he contemplated slipping a finger inside her, even though he'd mentally ruled that out for this 'step' beforehand.  _But I didn't know she'd be so wet..._ He reminded himself that he didn't know if she'd ever done that herself, and thus, wet or not, it might freak her out, or hurt, or at the very least, just not feel good.  Too risky for a first experience.  Plenty of time for that later.  He decided to kiss her neck rather than her mouth so she'd be free to make more noise... those beautiful moaning sounds that his brain was recording for future playback...

And then she was panting a little harder... making sexy little high-pitched _"unh!"_ noises that almost sounded like whining.  "You're bein' _so_ sexy right now," he growled huskily into her neck -- in case she didn't already know.  _She's stopped laughing at herself... she must really be feeling good._   So good that she didn't give a fuck, which was exactly the way he wanted her to feel.  He gave her neck a gentle nip (he never did it hard enough to leave a tell-tale mark), then bent his head over her chest to take her right nipple in his mouth, kissing it sloppily.  Her bucking speed nearly doubled, and he stopped moving his hand... just kept a little pressure there while she pushed against him, undulating beneath his hand and lips like a... _like something pretty goddamn fucking HOT._   He sucked on the stiff nipple, the way she'd seemed to like best, earlier... she started to moan a bit louder than before, and he knew she was about to explode.  

"O-mi-fucking-god, Joel... mmnnnhhh... oh man... oh-man-oh-man-oh-man... ooohhh... _ohhhhhh!  Oh fuck -- fuck --  uunhh... ahhhhhhh!"_

Then she just... flopped, limp as a rag doll. _Mission accomplished!_   Joel rolled her toward him, kissed the neglected other nipple, then hugged her to his chest.  He slowly withdrew his hand from her crotch, dragging his fingers upward to dry them on the muff of pubic hair that wasn't involved in the fray below... but he must've spread the wetness some, because it was an ineffective towel.  Underwear was better for that -- his own, because using hers would be rude.  He didn't say anything; he didn't really need to while Ellie was reveling in what had just happened (and he hoped she didn't notice the quick adjustment he made to his boxers before resting the hand on her hip).

"Joel, that was... the most amazing thing _ever_.  And it wasn't even sex!  Holy fucking shit!  Like... seriously.  Holy. Fucking. _Shit._   How did you do that?  It felt like... like... like it felt so fucking good I didn't know what to _do_ with myself.  I was just sort of..." She gasped as she seemed to remember something.  "Joel!  Are you okay?"

_Oh God, is she fucking adorable or what?_   He smiled.  "I'm good."

"Aren't you gonna like... wash your hand?" she asked, suddenly shy again.

"Nope.  No need."

"But... eww!"

He chuckled.  "It's fine."  _Next time, I'll lick my fingers -- just to see if it's possible for you to look any more horrified, baby girl._

"And you don't feel... bad? -about doing that?"

"Nope."  That would come later, he assumed.  At the moment, he just felt immensely pleased that he'd made her come.

"Okay, good." She giggled softly.  "How come it wasn't ever like that when _I_ tried it?"

Joel sighed dramatically.  "Well, Ellie, that's because I am the _only_ person who can do that for you."

"Oh really?  Fuck.  Lucky for me that you love me then," she laughed, kissing him.

"Mmhmm.  So you're stuck with me, baby girl.  Dump my ass, an' you'll never feel like that again."

"Never!  That's a long time.  I'll _never_ dump you."  She snuggled up to him, tucking her head against his neck.  "Wow.  Just... _wow_.  If I didn't love you before..."

Joel chuckled.  "So _that's_ why you had to tell me before we did that.  It's more real if I don' have to earn it first?"

"Haha... yeah, I guess.  So um... was that okay?  Did I... was it, like..."

"More than okay."  He stroked her hair idly as he mentally reviewed it all.  He might've done a little too much finger-teasing outside of her panties, because he'd hoped to make her feel good for a bit longer than that... but that was on him, obviously.  "You were perfect."

"Whatever," she mumbled, his neck absorbing her muffled giggles.  Then she must have glanced downward.  "Wait!  What about _you?_   Can I... can I do that for you?" she asked... rather timidly.

Joel figured she didn't really _want_ to do that, and he didn't really want to let her.  At least, his brain didn't, and that was the part he needed to listen to.  "Someday," he replied.

"But... well... look at you."

He kissed her forehead.  "It'll go away.  Always does."

"That's not fair.  Why can't I--" She started sliding her hand down his stomach, but he stopped it with his own.

"No.  Not tonight.  That's... another whole 'step.'  I've corrupted you enough for one night."

" _That_ was corrupting me?  _Fuck_ , being corrupted is fun.  C'mon, Joel..."

He kept his hand over hers.  "No," he repeated.

Ellie sighed.  "But now I feel guilty."

"That's sweet, but don't.  You offered, I said no.  C'mon, let's get your shirt back on, you'll get cold..."  He retrieved the abandoned shirt and motioned for her to sit up.

She let him help her put it on.  Sat there, still as a doll.  Got real quiet while he buttoned it up.  Sober-like.

"Somethin' wrong?" he asked.

"No."

He waited, but she didn't elaborate.  Was she feeling guilty?  Even though he'd told her not to, it wasn't like feelings could always be dispelled that easily.  "Please don' feel bad, baby girl."

"Can I just see it?" she blurted out.

"See...?"  He was pretty sure she meant his dick, but...

"Yeah.  You saw _me_... well, some of me.  I won't touch it if you don't want me to."

It certainly wasn't that he didn't _want_ her to... he wanted that pretty bad right now, actually... but he couldn't take advantage of her that way.  He felt pretty good about this whole thing right now, but he knew intellectually that he was barely okay with what they'd already done -- and that was only due to the assurance that he was giving her pleasure, not just indulging a sick whim of his.  "Ellie..."

"Pleeeeeaaassse?  If you won't let me... then it's the least you can do.  Please?" she pleaded, kissing his neck, his throat, his chin... when she reached his lips, she looked him in the eye.  "Please, Joel?"

_I must be crazy._   He sighed.  "Lookin' only.  Don' touch."

"Yay!" She kept planting little kisses on his face until she got him to crack a smile.  "I'll be good."

He scooted up so that he was sitting with his back to the wall, pulling her up with him.  He could have just poked through the front flap -- he'd almost done it on accident a few times already -- but he figured she deserved a full view, while he was at it.  He carefully tugged his boxers down far enough... and cast a sidelong glance at her.

She was staring at it in wonder.  "Whoa," she breathed.

Joel wasn't feeling self-conscious, really, but... he did feel like a real skeez.  Reminding himself that she'd _asked_ to see it didn't lessen the feeling.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.  "For it to be like that, I mean.  I know you've said before that it doesn't, but... does it really?"

"No."  _Unless you count the aching to be inside you..._

She stared for a few more moments, then asked, "Can I... look a little closer?"

He relaxed the grip he had on her shoulder. "No touchin’.  I mean it, Ellie."

"I know!"

"I need you to listen to me, all right?" he stressed to her anyway.  "If you wanna keep... playin'."

"I will!"  She scooted down for closer examination.  Checked out a few different angles.

Joel couldn't help laughing a little at how studious she looked.  "Is it really so... fascinating?"

At least she was behaving, and keeping her hands to herself.  "Uh-huh," she said distractedly.

"I know you've seen one before."

"No I haven't!" she cried, scandalized.

"After we left Bill's?" he reminded her.  "The magazine?"

"Oh, that?  Those weren't _real_ ," she scoffed.  "I've never seen a real one.  I mean, I guess they were real, but they weren't... you know.  _There_.  Maybe when I was a kid, I saw one or two.  I played with more boys than girls, so like... yeah.  Except it wasn't... we were too little to even... That doesn't count, it was just dumb kid stuff.  I don't even really remember."

No, the I'll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours games of childhood weren't quite the same thing as this.  "Playin' doctor?" he guessed.

"What?"

"Nothin'.  So... just innocent play, huh?  Now you're even less innocent 'cause of me..."

"Pfff.  Whatever.  You think I'm more innocent than I really am."

"If you say so."  Joel was pretty sure he had her accurately pegged on the innocent scale.  Even if he had to adjust it some, now... but it wasn't like she suddenly seemed so much older and worldly and _not_ -innocent... _maybe she'll always be innocent to me._

She straddled his legs, down below his knees this time, thankfully... she was actually straddling his shins.  He resisted the urge to remind her yet again not to touch; so far, she had respected his wishes.  "So... am I supposed to tell you it's beautiful?" she asked with a grin.

"Ha!  I wouldn' believe you if you did.  Nothin' pretty about the male body."

"I don't know about that..."  She resumed staring at it. 

He was grateful she couldn't read his mind right now.  She was just sitting there, not doing anything even remotely sexual, but the fantasies that had just danced through his mind... _what is WRONG with you, asshole?  -You're a sick motherfucker, that's what_.  And it wasn't exactly helping him go flaccid.  "Why don't you come on back up here now." He patted the spot next to him that she'd vacated.

"Can I--"

"No!"

"Jeez, I was only gonna ask if I could help pull your underwear back up."  Joel did that himself while she dutifully crawled back up beside him, and he pulled her close.  "See how good I was?" she said proudly, smiling.

"Thank you."

"Thank _you_.  God.  I'm the one who should be grateful."  She settled herself with her head on his chest.  "Do you... not want me to touch you cuz... you think I won't do it right?"

"No.  I think you'll learn that jus' fine."  _Maybe a couple years from now, when I finally let you._

"I hope so."

He squeezed her.  "Don' worry about it.  Scooch down now... let's lie down."  He leaned over to blow out the candle, but she stopped him.

"No!  Not yet... please?  Can we sit just a little while longer and not go to sleep?  If I lie down and it's all dark in here I feel like I might actually fall asleep..."  Then she mumbled something he didn't quite catch... something about taking twenty or thirty minutes. 

"What?"

"Nothing.  Can we?" she asked again.

"Nothin' wrong with fallin' asleep.  But all right."

They sat there for a couple minutes, mostly silent, cuddling as if they were sitting on Tommy's couch watching a movie, and Joel thought she might actually be about to fall asleep anyway... until she stirred.

"Joel... ?"

"Hmm?"

"What if... it doesn't work?"

"...'it,' meaning...?"  _Is she worried I won't be able to get it up?_  After the countless times she'd made him hard, it seemed an odd thing to worry about.

"The sex."

He still wasn't sure what she meant.  "It'll work," he said.

"But... you're so..."  She looked sheepish again. 

_This oughta be good._   "So... what?"

"Like... _big._   Down there."

He chuckled.  "I don' know about that.  I think it's jus' average."

"Really?  Average?  Um... it's kind of ginormous."  She giggled a little.  "I mean... is there any way that... maybe like..."

"Like what?"

"Forget it.  Maybe it's a dumb question."  She leaned in to bury her face in either his neck or his shoulder, but he stopped her from hiding by tilting her chin up... and not letting go.

He gave her a quick peck on the lips.  "Jus' ask me.  I won' laugh."

Ellie made her _"oh really?"_ face.  "Just because you manage not to laugh doesn't mean it's not a dumb question, and I still don't want to be dumb."

"You're not.  I _want_ you to ask me things.  You know I like answerin' your questions.  ...usually," he added the qualifier before she could come up with an example of when he didn't -- typically when the question was extremely personal.  Now he just hoped like hell she wouldn't ask him something that would make him want to laugh.

"Okay.  Well... I was thinking... lots of people have sex, right?  And it's basically the same for everyone -- mechanically-speaking, I mean, cuz like, we all have the same body parts or whatever, and if you're really, um... average... normal... I probably shouldn't even wonder..."

He was already amused by her adorableness.  _Don't laugh, Joel, don't laugh!_  "Wonder what?"  Though he had an idea of where this was going...

"Okay.  So when people shit, it's like this big thing coming out of a small hole, but it's coming from inside... like, a bigger place -- er, it _starts_ big.  So I can see how that would... Anyway.  If sex is the opposite, then... well..."

"The opposite of takin' a dump?"  _Shit, this question might make it go soft real easy..._

"Yeah!  You know.  Big thing, small hole... small _opening_.  Maybe the hole is big, but if the opening is small, then..."

"You're worried it's gonna hurt."  Maybe he should've waited until now to let her look, when it was only semi-erect.

"I already know it's gonna hurt.  But, whatever, that's supposed to go away, right?"

"Right."

"I'm worried that... well... what if you try, and it just won't... you know.  Go in?"

Joel didn't laugh -- he could sort of see how the idea might be worrisome to her -- but he did allow himself a wicked grin.  "Don' worry about that.  It'll go in."

"How do you know?"

"...'cause I know."

"What if it doesn't?"

"It will."

"But if it _doesn't?"_

"It will!  You said it yourself -- we all have the same body parts.  It'll fit jus' fine.  The, uh... the head... it's designed to..."

"To go in?  But what if it still doesn't?"

_She just won't let it go._  "Then I'll _make_ it fit."

"What, like... just fucking ram it up there?"

_Ha!_   "Yep, that's what I'll do."

She looked horrified.  Not even like mock-outraged-horrified... it was more like actual terror.

"Ellie, I'm jus' teasin' you -- of course I won't do that.  There's other ways of makin' it fit.  That's what I meant."

"...oh."  Uneasy little chuckle.  "Yeah, I know you were just messing with me."

He turned a little and pulled her into a hug, cradling her head and rubbing her back.  "It ain't like we're jus' gonna strip naked, hop into bed, an' _bam!_ I'm inside you."  _Not that I'd be against it... someday..._ "That's what foreplay is for.  Like what we jus' did.  I'll make sure you're ready first."

She thought about that for a moment.  "And if it _still_ doesn't fit?"

"It will."

She pulled back from the hug to give him a withering look.  "If it _DOESN'T!_   Hypothetically."

"Hypothetically... then..."

"Then you ram it in."

"No!"  He chuckled.  "No rammin'.  If that happens -- which it won't -- then... I guess we wouldn' do it."

She looked at him dubiously.  "We wouldn't do it... so after allllll that, all the foreplay and the trying and everything, just... 'oh well, that's that' and... just..."

"Ellie, it ain't gonna happen like--"

"Hypothetically!  I don't think I'd want you to just... not.  Maybe you _should_ ram it in."

"What?!  _No_.  Why do you think I should do that?"

"Because if you don't--" She bit her lip.

"I wouldn't.  It'd be fine."

"No!  That would mean you could never have sex again -- unless you left me.  And I don't... I don't want you to leave, of course, but I shouldn't... want that, for you.  To never have sex again."

He groaned exaggeratedly and pulled her to him again.  Squeezed her really tight.  "I don' care about that.  I wouldn’ leave you."

"You don't know that, because it hasn't happened.  Yet."

_So much for hypothetical!_  He cupped her cheek in his hand and looked her in the eye, trying to think of a way to calm her irrational fears.  "All right.  Lemme ask you this.  Say I'm the one who can't... who has issues.  No matter what either of us does to... facilitate things, it don' work.  Is that it for you?  We're done, you leave me so you can go--"

"Yeah yeah yeah," she interrupted him.  "You always flip it back on me like that.  But that's way less likely to actually happen in the first place--"

"You sure about that?" He chuckled.  "I ain't eighteen no more, as I like to remind you."

"From what I've seen, you do _not_ have that issue," she scoffed.

"Well, maybe it's a similar issue.  Maybe... I can get it up, but can't _keep_ it up."  That was more frank than his usual manner of speaking with her...

...but she didn't even giggle.  "Still not gonna happen!"

"But if it _does,_ " he insisted, mimicking her tone from earlier.

She kissed him sweetly.  "I wouldn't leave you.  I'll never leave you."

"Aww.  Thank you, baby girl.  That's how I feel about it too, all right?  Would you please... not worry?"

"I'll try."

_Not good enough._  Joel frowned, trying to come up with something brilliant to reassure her.  "Think about it this way.  We fit together real good in all these other ways.  We're s'posed to stick together.  You feel that... in your gut, right?  You jus' _know_.  You knew it before I did, both times -- together the general way, an' then... _together_ -together.  Why would this be any different?  Whatever happens with us... it'll be... _right_.  'Cause we fit."

He wasn't saying it in the most eloquent way, but she seemed to get it.  She nodded, then put her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.  "Okay.  I love you."

It was pretty damn nice to hear, and nice to be able to say it to her now.  He gave her another big squeeze.  "Love you, too."

"Sorry I get so... ..."

"It's all right.  I jus' hate to see your first, uh... experience... ruined by worryin' so much."

"You can say it, Joel -- _orgasm."_   But she couldn't say it herself without giggling a little, Joel was glad to note.  She molded herself into his side again.  "Are you kidding?  Nothing could ruin that!  _Thank you."_

"My pleasure."

"No, _my_ pleasure -- literally!"

Joel often wondered what he'd done to deserve the love of someone like Ellie.  He knew they hadn't been together all that long yet, but he believed her 'always's and 'never's.  _There's still a long way between fifteen and eighteen... eighteen and twenty-five..._ she could change her mind.  She could grow and evolve, and find that she wanted different things as an adult than she did as a kid.  Maybe she'd want to have children of her own; Joel was kind of old for that, and by the time she was ready for it, he'd be _way_ too old for that.  Maybe she'd want a partner who wasn't so... 'dad'-like.  So cautious and protective.  So unable to see her as a woman, and not a... lover/daughter hybrid.  Joel didn't see how a few years would change that view, when anyone younger than thirty seemed like a kid to him -- and he wasn't getting any younger.

Or maybe all the secrecy would wear on her, before any of that other stuff happened.

He could worry about shit like that later.  He was in too good a mood right now:  he'd just taken a big step forward, and he hadn't tripped over his own feet. 

More importantly, Ellie was safely and happily in his arms, practically purring her contentment.  Maybe what he'd done tonight was wrong... but it certainly hadn't fucked her up.


	14. Could I Have This Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Anne Murray song.

Ellie tried not to pester Joel constantly for sex... pseudo-sex?... sex stuff... whatever it was that they were doing... but, she pretty much did pester him constantly when they were at home -- especially in bed.  When they were in bed together, suddenly it was all she could think about... at least until after he 'scratched that itch,' as he liked to say.  And still, he wouldn't let her touch him that way.  It didn't make sense to Ellie.  He couldn't explain it in such a way that it did.

_"But Joel, I WANT to.  You're not forcing me."_

_"More like... manipulatin' you."_

_"Not even!  I WANT TO."_

_"That's part of it, see.  Makin' you think it's your idea."_

_"It IS my idea!"_

_"So you think."_

_"How the fuck is it NOT?  I keep asking you if it's okay, and you keep saying no.  It's not you AT ALL."_

_"Maybe I'm just... workin' things to my advantage so you think--"_

_"Oh my God.  You're NOT."_

_"You're right... I'm not, because I ain't gonna let you do it.  YET.  Someday, sure.  Jus' not yet."_

_"Because you feel too dirty."_

_"Right."_

_"And you don't feel dirty touching me.  That's okay.  Right?"_

_"...it's... a 'lil different... still dirty, but... yeah."_

_"Well, if I can't touch you, I shouldn't be letting you touch me.  It's not fair."_

_"It's completely fair.  I like makin' you feel good."_

_"Well I wanna make YOU--"_

_"I know, Ellie, but... that can wait."_

_"You've BEEN waiting.  How are you not fucking MISERABLE?"_

_"What?  I like the way--"_

_"No!  No no no -- you know how you start to... you make me think you're gonna go there, and then you don't, and I get all..."_

_"...impatient?"_

_"Yeah.  Like... I can't STAND it if you don't.  How do you stand it?  You must feel like that every day."_

_"It ain't the same thing.  An' anyhow, I'm more used to it."_

_"Well, I think it sucks.  I can't keep being selfish."_

_"You're not!  It's my choice."_

_"And it should be MY choice, too.  What would you do if I just sort of... started to..."_

_"Ellie, DON'T."_

_"I was only--"_

_"DON'T.  I mean it."_

_"But I'm your girlfriend... type person."_

_"You know we ain't exactly--"_

_"I knoooowww.  That's why I always add the 'type person.'  I'm still supposed to... make you happy."_

_"You do."_

_"I don't.  Not the way a girlfr-- the way I'm supposed to.  The way I WANT to."_

_"...So now I'm deprivin' you?"_

_"Yes!"_

_"By not usin' you to get off.  I don' think so."_

_"You wouldn't be USING me!  Jesus, Joel!  So I'm using YOU, if that's your definition.  We should be using each other, then.  That's how it works."_

_"Not when one of us is an innocent--"_

_"I'M NOT FUCKING INNOCENT!  AAARRRGGGHHH!"_

Any conversation about the topic ended this way -- with Ellie getting pissed off because Joel was the most stubborn fucking man on the planet.  He would calm her down with kisses and... stuff.  The 'stuff' only made her feel worse afterward.  And yet, she always fucking _let_ him.

Ellie didn't want to take a step backwards... he had promised they wouldn't have to do that... but how could she let him keep doing it?  What kind of asshole would do that?  Just take take take and no give.  She knew it wasn't supposed to be like that.  She wondered if maybe he didn't realize how much it bothered her.  Maybe he thought she told him she felt guilty because she thought it was the right thing to feel, or something... make the perfunctory gesture in order to feel like less of a selfish prick, but secretly be 'whatever' about it?

Trying to have a heart-to-heart with him about it seemed to put him in 'serious Joel' mode, where he got all concerned about screwing up his baby girl, and she would end up feeling even more guilty, now for trying to talk him into something he was so clearly uncomfortable with.  Then it didn't matter what she said -- because it was just the words of a little girl.  Not his _partner_.  And she would catch a whiff of regret off him (which he would deny, but she could fucking _sense_ it), which would scare the shit out of her.  Because there was always that horrible _WHAT IF_ , lurking there... reminding her not to take anything for granted...

_...because WHAT IF HE DECIDES WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER ANYMORE?_

She would die.  Simple as that.  She had to hope he would keep his promise not to go backwards, but what if she _pushed_ him too hard and he felt like he _had_ to?  She already knew that about him: he would break a promise if he felt it was for the best.  Which kind of made it hard to believe his promises, no matter how sincere he seemed when he made them.

So she'd talk herself into thinking it was no big deal.  That she was being silly... it had only been a few days, for fuck's sake.  If he needed more time, was that so unreasonable?  Was she blowing it all out of proportion?  Maybe she should just be happy that she had such an amazing guy who loved her soooo much.  Was that 'issue' really so bad compared to other possibilities?

No.  Of course not.  And overall, she was happy with Joel.  She had to let him know he was making her happy, because if he thought he wasn't doing that...

Always back to the most awful of 'what if's.

She reminded herself it wasn't all about the sex.  It never had been.  She could make Joel happy in other ways.  And she thought she did.  He _seemed_ happy, anyway.  And now (at home, at least), she could tell him she loved him, whenever she felt like it.  Which was more often than Joel told her, "love you too"s aside, but Ellie could have predicted that.  He wasn't as verbal as she was, in general.  She knew it pleased him to hear it:  he always smiled when she said it, and Joel wasn't one to toss smiles around lightly.

She just couldn't make him come.  Because she wasn't _allowed._ At least, not directly; once, when they _weren't_ actually pretending that he never jerks off, he'd told her she was helping him out that way by giving him 'material.'  He had told her that in an effort to make her feel better.  It was better than nothing at all.... _right?_ Even though she could tell that he felt like a perv for... _using_ the material.

At least he no longer seemed to have any serious qualms about touching _her_.  Or maybe he just hid them well.  Last night, he even did something new.  Ellie blushed, remembering.  _Man... I thought his fingers felt good on the OUTside... but whoa nelly!_   She was actually still a little bit... well, not exactly _sore_ , but something like that?  Like she'd stretched a muscle that never got used.  In a good way.  A _look-what-I-did_ way.  It had been a little awkward at first, and Joel seemed to think she didn't like it, but it wasn't that.  She just had to sort of... get used to it.  Not only had it ended up feeling fantastic, but it gave Ellie hope that maybe she wouldn't have any issues with having actual, all-the-way sex after all.  _Granted, his dick is gonna be a liiiiiittle bit bigger than a single finger... at least, I think it was one finger..._

Ellie nearly jumped out of her skin as Joel came up behind her in the kitchen and wrapped his arms around her waist, his lips brushing her neck; he had to nudge her hair out of the way to reach it, since she was wearing it loose tonight.

"Where were you jus' now?" he asked, sounding amused.  Normally she wasn't that easy to sneak up on.

She relaxed and leaned back into him.  "Mmm... I was thinking about your dick, actually."

"...Ohhhh-kay, do I even wanna know?"  Joel chuckled. 

"Prob'ly not."  She whirled around and stepped back to take a look at him.  "Hey, you look really nice!"

"Don' sound so surprised, kiddo," he teased.  He was wearing a red ( _"crimson,"_ she could hear Annie correcting in her head) button-down shirt, the sleeves of which were barely even frayed at the ends, and dark gray pants that were made out of... some material that wasn't denim, or even corduroy.  His boots were as scuffed-up as ever, but Ellie thought they looked a little bit cleaner than usual.

"You _sure_ you don't wanna do the tie?" Ellie asked. 

"Positive.  This is as dressed up as I get."

Apparently he'd worn ties in the past, but... he resented it, or something.  There used to be places you kind of _had_ to wear them, if you were a guy.  Places that weren't even military establishments (that would've been more understandable, since they liked to be dicks about stupid shit like that).  She couldn't fathom how anyone could care so much about a piece of fabric being around a man's neck as to decree it mandatory, but there were lots of weird rules like that in Joel's time.

"At least you still look like yourself.  Unlike me," Ellie lamented, frowning.  "But Annie'll be happy to see me wear this again."  After the debacle that had ensued the first time she'd worn this dress, Ellie thought surely she'd never wear it again.  She'd tried to return it to Annie, but her friend wouldn't take it back.  She said Ellie should keep it for special occasions -- for today, actually, as it was the first wedding Jackson had had since she and Joel had arrived in the spring.  Some of the townspeople would still attend in worn-out jeans and T-shirts, but Annie had told her that most people used it as an excuse to get a bit dolled up; there wasn't much reason to do that in the world anymore, and what better occasion than a wedding?  It reminded the older folks of their 'good old days,' before the world went to hell, and it gave the younger ones a pleasant taste of what they'd missed out on.

The dress fit a little better now than the first time she'd worn it, since she'd had Millie, the town's seamstress, make some alterations that Ellie had refused to even consider when she thought she was only borrowing the dress from Annie for one night.  It was a sundress, white with a pattern of little yellow flowers -- rather 'country'-ish -- and what Annie called 'spaghetti straps.'  The elastic material in the front helped hide the fact that she had no boobs to speak of (despite what Joel said)... and Joel said he wouldn't have let her wear anything that showed cleavage, anyway.  Ha!  That was a joke -- both the idea of her even _having_ cleavage to show off, as well as him trying to dictate something as inconsequential as what clothing she could wear.  Maybe the tie thing in the past made him think that was normal!

And, thanks to the scar on her arm, Ellie had to wear something over the dress: a blue cardigan sweater.  That was fine with her, because they'd be outside, and nights could be rather cold, even in late summer.  Joel was pleased with it too, as it would show less skin.  Because _of course_ people would have nothing better to look at than her skin?  This time, she'd acquired some more appropriate shoes, too:  a pair of pale gold 'ballet slippers' that Annie assured her were actually _not_ just for ballerinas -- and they were a far cry from her fuzzy bunny slippers, too.  It was weird to feel the shoes on her bare feet, no socks.

Joel pulled her back into his arms.  "You _do_ look like yourself -- very pretty," he said, making Ellie blush and roll her eyes.  "I really did wanna kiss you bad the first time you wore it.  An' touch your shoulders..." He rubbed her sweater-clad shoulders a little.  "Prob'ly a good thing most of you is covered up now.  It'll help me behave."

Ellie snorted.  Joel _always_ behaved in public.  ...the Clicker incident notwithstanding.   "Whatever.  But we _have_ to dance, or those lessons were for nothing!  I can't believe we didn't practice at all this week."

Joel grinned.  "I can."

"Yeah -- cuz it was all your fault!"  She punched his chest lightly.  Every time she'd tried to go over the steps to some of the dances they'd learned before the 4th of July party, Joel had successfully distracted her.  They never did dance at that party because they'd been fighting at the time and ended up not even attending together... and then Ellie had gotten drunk with Max, in part to piss off Joel.  That was before they were even a... _thing_.  And now Ellie hoped that that was the last time they would ever actually _try_ to be apart from one another.  It was just so... _unnatural_.

"Uh-uh," he protested.  "Your fault.  I couldn' help myself."

"You were... powerless against my charms, huh?" Ellie smirked.

"Yep.  It's gonna be a loooong night."  He kissed her lightly.  "Maybe we could skip this shindig..."

She giggled a little as she kissed him.  "Oh yeah?  To do what?" she asked innocently.

"I can think of a few things..."  He dropped little kisses down her neck... the ones that never failed to make her swoon... "Not like we know the bride'n'groom that well or nothin'..."

"Mmmmmmm... Joel, stop, you're not getting out of this," Ellie declared, attempting to sound annoyed (which was nearly impossible to do any time Joel's lips made contact with her body).  "I want to dance!  You fucking promised!"

"I don' remember promisin' any such thing..." He continued exploring her neck with his mouth.

"Joooeeellllll, stoooop," she whined... or giggle-whined.  "You promised like three times.  Going back to before the last party."  Somehow she managed to find the will power to push him away.  "And besides, the two of them are like... inspirational.  With the age difference thing."

Joel laughed.  "You're really reachin' on that one.  Ain't there only like ten years between 'em?"

"Sixteen!" Ellie corrected him.  "Forty-seven to thirty-one."

Joel groaned.  "You realize there's more than _twice_ that many years between you'n'me?"

"Who cares?  It's just a number."

"So much for inspiration then," Joel teased.  "Do you have everyone's age differences memorized or what?"

"Well... I was hoping I'd find a bigger age difference than ours," she admitted.  "Closest I got was twenty-three years.  Nineteen and forty-two."

"Yeah, I know who you're talkin' about.  Dude takes a fair amount of shit for it."  Joel looked serious all of a sudden.  "Ellie, you know it would be different... with us.  If people jus' teased me about it... that's all well'n'good; I could handle that.  But there's a lot of people who would look at it like... well, they'd see it for what it is -- a crime."

_Not this shit again!_   "Joel, come on--"

He held up his hands in surrender.  "I know -- I don' wanna fight about this again.  I'm jus' sayin'... we gotta be careful.  Goin' to a wedding... it'll prob'ly be all romantic an' shit... we jus' can't get careless."

"Okay, but... you're not gonna dance with Esther again, are you?"  Ellie frowned.

"Nope."

"Good."  But at least Esther wouldn't grope him... "What about Sophie?" 

"Definitely nope."

The complete lack of hesitation there made Ellie smile.  "Okay.  Thank you.  I won't dance with anybody else either."

"You can, if you want to," Joel offered.  "With anybody except Max."

"Joel!"  Ellie groaned.  "You're not supposed to want me to dance with other people!"

"I don' especially _want_ to see you do that, but it's all right, jus' dancin'.  I don' want to... deprive you... of the opportunity to--"

_And not THIS shit again!_ "I'm not _depriiiiived_ of anything.  Jesus."  She was surprised he would even suggest it was okay, given the murderous looks he fired at any guy who got too close to her in the library.  "Neither one of us should dance with anyone else and that's that."

"What about Clicker?" Joel asked, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"Um, no."  But then she thought better of that answer, and had to grin.  "Oh wait... yeah, he's okay... you can dance with him if you want!"

 

* * *

 

Joel was right: the wedding was 'all romantic and shit.'  Ellie had never been to one before.  Just like the 4th of July party, it took place near the lake, and there were strands of clear lights hung everywhere (perhaps not as many of the twinkling kind)... but unlike that party, there were flowers here.  So many flowers!  They were woven through the light strands as well as the hair of all the girls in the wedding party... attached to the chairs that formed the aisle... arranged in the bowls that adorned every table.  Yellow and white, mostly, with a splash of purple, all of them festive and pretty and... just perfect.  Ellie wasn't really a flower person, but she was impressed.  They must have been freshly picked that day, destined to wilt and die by tomorrow.  ... _Well, that's a depressing thought -- is Joel rubbing off on me or what?_ She was a little surprised that the wedding hadn't been postponed, what with three residents dying less than a week ago and all.  Joel said life goes on.  Maybe so... but Ellie noticed that the families of the deceased were mostly absent.  Boo's little sister was there... with her dad, but not her mom.

She and Joel had sat in the back row for the ceremony, just like they did at the town meetings.  Joel really didn't like people's eyes on them, for whatever reason.  She thought his choice of seating might have been due to a little paranoia, too -- that he didn't like the idea of people behind them that he couldn't keep an eye on.  Like someone might just decide to go on a murderous rampage for shits and giggles?  He wasn't wearing his usual holsters, but he did have a gun tucked into his pants, like the way Ellie usually carried hers.  She couldn't carry one now, in this fucking dress, but she was fine with that; nothing ever happened in Jackson.  Even the dam didn't get raided these days like it used to.  Besides, she knew she had nothing to worry about when she was with Joel.

He allowed her to hold his hand during the ceremony -- a ceremony that was surprisingly a little humorous, thanks to the guy who officiated it.  But still romantic; Ellie couldn't help imagining what it would be like if she and Joel were the ones getting married.  Everyone watching them with smiles on their faces, the occasional 'awwww'ing... the sort of shit that used to make her want to puke. _Because the old me wasn't in love!_   Not that she'd turned into a complete sap now and skipped about farting rainbows or anything, but... the old Ellie would've scoffed at things like wedding vows, declaring them utter bullshit, whereas now, she actually believed in them.  She would gladly stand up there before every single person in Jackson and promise to love Joel forever.  Oh, she knew it was just a fantasy... that if she were to ask Joel how he imagined their wedding, he'd probably tell her that either no one would show up, or they'd show up only to make nasty remarks and ruin everything.  But it was her fantasy, damnit, and he couldn't ruin it for her if she didn't share it. 

She would have Annie and Maria as her bridesmaids, and they would wear... blue, she decided.  Annie looked good in blue.  And Joel would probably like that better than the light purple color ( _"lilac,"_ Annie corrected in her head) that Bryan and Trinity had chosen for the bridesmaid dresses.  Maybe they'd had a limited selection of fabrics.  She knew that Millie had sewn them all -- they were all brand new, never worn before.  The bride's dress actually wasn't new, but it might as well have been -- Ellie had never seen white look so _white_ before.  Millie had made some alterations, to make it fit better, and to change the sleeves somehow... Annie had told her all about it in full detail, but a lot of those details were a little over Ellie's head.  The bride even had a veil, just like in the movies!  For her wedding, Ellie would wear something pretty, just not so girly, if she could help it.  Maybe some kind of pants suit thing... if Annie would let her get away with that.  In her fantasy, Annie was perfectly okay with the idea of Joel and Ellie getting married, of course.  Everyone was.  They were all envious of them, even.  _Jealous of how we love each other so much, more than any other couple ever..._

Even though she hadn't shared one word of this little fantasy of hers, Joel managed to ruin it for her anyway by nudging her and whispering, _"Don't you go gettin' any ideas now."_    She just glared at him.

The ceremony didn't last very long, and then all the guests grabbed their chairs and took them to the next area, where the reception was.  Of course, back in the day, no one had to do that.  And all the chairs and tables used to match -- they weren't borrowed from a bunch of different places.  Ellie allowed Joel to carry her chair.  He liked doing little things like that for her, and she was learning to stifle the I-can-do-it-myself attitude that automatically bubbled up on such occasions.  She and Joel sat at a small table with Tommy and Maria.  She would have liked for all of them to sit with Annie and her family, too, but Farm 3 got there first, and the tables were too small to seat everyone.  In the olden days (and the movies), people sat at these huge round tables where you could fit a bunch of people, and Joel told her that the seating was arranged ahead of time, so people who knew each other could be grouped together -- also, if Uncle John didn't get along with Cousin Tim, and so forth, you could separate them.  Anyway, Ellie was glad to see that Annie's lying, cheating ex, Jacob, was not sitting anywhere near them.  Lately, Annie had been softening towards him, saying things like maybe they could be _~friends~_.  It made Ellie sick.

The reception was, of course, way more fun than the ceremony.  That's where all the eating and dancing happened.  There was even a fucking _cake_.  Ellie couldn't remember the last time she'd had cake.  This one was rumored to be really fancy -- Ellie couldn't see it since it was hiding under a crate, to ward off insects.  The crate itself was kind of fancy (though Joel seemed unimpressed), adorned in purple fabric -- the same one that the bridesmaid dresses were made from, Ellie would guess -- and more flowers, naturally.  When she'd casually remarked that they'd have to cut the pieces really tiny to serve the whole fucking town, Joel had smiled as if she'd said something funny, and said she could have his piece, too.

But before cake, there was dinner -- a buffet that featured a shitload of food, with no rationing.  There was nothing elaborate about the spread, though; it was a bunch of mismatched pots and bowls and casserole dishes, all lidded for insect protection.  Ellie just had to try a little bit of everything:  beef, pork, chicken, duck, fish, and vegetable dishes.  There was some more common meat available, too -- deer, squirrel, rabbit -- but she'd heard that most of that was meant to be a supplement, in case they ran out of the other stuff.  She was surprised to find that there was enough for seconds, even after feeding practically the whole town.  Some of the pots and dishes were empty when she went back for more, and the common meat had been added to the spread in abundance, but there was still plenty of the duck'n'rice thing that Ellie liked the best, and she loaded up on that.  Joel reminded her to save room for cake -- as if she could ever be full enough to refuse a treat like that!

While they were eating, people would start randomly clinking their silverware against their glasses, which would make all the guests stop what they were doing to join in, and this signaled the bride and groom to kiss.  Ellie thought that was ridiculous, but kind of cool, and again, she tried to imagine it with herself and Joel as the happy couple.  Actually _kissing_ in front of people, like it was no big deal.  The thought actually stung a little.  She hadn't realized how much she wanted that.  To not have to hide their love, like it was something shameful.  She wished that Joel himself didn't also feel like it was shameful.

When most people were about done with dinner, the dancing started.  Bryan and Trinity made their way to the dance floor, such as it was (a large stretch of grass near a gigantic stereo, not the pavilion of dirt where the 4th of July's dancing had taken place), for the traditional 'first dance.'  Ellie didn't recognize the song, but it had a country twang to it, and Joel said he knew it -- it was from some classic Texas movie called _Urban Cowboy_ , from before he was even born.  She got excited when she recognized the way that the couple began to dance.

"Joel!  It's a waltz!  We learned that one!" she said eagerly.  "Can we go dance, too?"

It was Maria who answered.  "Just wait one verse, until Dustin gives the okay," she told Ellie with a smile.  Dustin had switched from officiating to DJ'ing.  He had a microphone and everything.  As soon as they were invited to join, less than a whole verse in, Ellie hopped up and tugged on Joel's hand until he got up, too, resisting her a little -- just for the sake of being contrary, it seemed.  Tommy and Maria made their way out there, along with plenty of other people -- and not exclusively couples, so Joel had no reason to object.

Ellie practically dragged him out to the dance floor.  But for all his reluctance (which Ellie presumed was fake, just to annoy her -- cuz how could he _not_ want to dance with her, really?!), he did remember how to do the dance, and they fell in step nicely with each other.  He held her at arm's length, a bit stiffly.  Ellie noticed that Bryan and Trinity were pretty much hugging instead of dancing.  Joel wouldn't dare dance with her like that.  Maybe Ellie could get him to do it at home, so she could close her eyes and pretend they were like everyone else...

And the song lyrics were perfect, with the lady singer asking the guy if she could have this dance for the rest of her life, if he'd be her partner every night... Ellie could see why they'd chosen it for a first dance.  "If I ever get married, I'd use this song, too," Ellie decided.  She knew that Joel understood the first 'I' was really code for 'we.'  "Wouldn't you?"

"It ain't bad," he replied.  "I s'pose if my bride liked it, I'd have no objections."

Ellie smiled.  "Does everyone in that movie talk with accents like yours?"

He chuckled, even though it wasn't a funny question.  "Yes, I think so."

"I wanna watch it.  Can we watch it some time, maybe at Tommy'n'Maria's?  If the library has it?"

"Sure.  This was the song for the movie wedding's first dance, too."

"Aww.  What song did you use for yours?" Ellie asked, and immediately felt like kicking herself for it.  As much as she loved hearing about Joel's life pre-Cordyceps, her interest kind of didn't apply to his brief marriage... not anymore.  Not when she wished that she was the only person Joel had ever been with or would ever be with, and couldn't stand to think of him with another woman.

"Didn' have one," he replied.  "Didn' have a real wedding.  No reception."

"Oh."  _Good,_ she stopped herself from adding, because she knew it wasn't nice of her to think that.  But, because apparently she loved to kick herself, she did just have to ask, "Why not?"

"Well... it was a shotgun wedding, so..."

"Was that a Texas thing?" Ellie wondered.  "But I thought you said people couldn't really carry guns around everywhere?  What, did they like... fire them in the air at the end of the ceremony?"

He had that you're-so-cute look on his face; if they were at home, he probably would have kissed her.  "It's got nothin' to do with shotguns, actually.  It's when you get married 'cause the girl is pregnant."

That explanation of the term made no fucking sense whatsoever to Ellie.  "Oh.  Weird.  I like my idea better."

"Me too."

The next dance was supposed to be father-daughter/mother-son, but since neither Bryan nor Trinity had parents, they invited the guests to participate in that instead.  Ellie couldn't help smirking at Joel a little on that one.  It was the perfect cover for them to dance with each other.  Not that they needed an excuse, but still.  Ellie didn't mind pretending to be his daughter in this instance.  The song was a little bit faster, and she got Joel to do some fun stuff -- like twirling her!  The first couple times, she did it just fine; the third time, she twirled a little too... enthusiastically, causing her to lose her balance and nearly knock over the couple closest to them -- the only reason she didn't fall over completely was that Joel kept hold of her hand.  That was slightly embarrassing... she heard Annie's brother, Will, snickering a _"way to go, Ellie!"_ \-- but before she could so much as shoot him a dirty look, she found herself more enclosed by Joel's arms than she had been all evening.  _I should fall more often!_

He was laughing a little, but, much to Ellie's surprise, he had the decency not to make fun of her.  Unfortunately, he only held her close for like, three seconds -- long enough to make sure she was steady on her feet.  Then he returned to arm's length distance, and let go of her completely.  "You had enough dancin' yet?"

"What?  No way!  This is only the second song."  She grabbed his hands, posing him with one hand on her waist again, the other holding hers.  Joel finished out the song with her, and she did one last easy twirl, to sort of undo the clumsiness of the last one and end on a good note.

For the next song, Dustin announced that now they'd want to be sure to grab someone who _wasn't_ family... it took him a few moments to change the CD, and the crowd of dancers started to murmur amongst themselves.  There was a collective shriek from the females as the next song began to play, and Ellie watched Will run off the floor like something had bit him.

She was confused, and looked to Joel for an answer, but he just shrugged.  Annie must have noticed her bewildered look, because she hurried over to grab Ellie's arm, looking... excited, or was it more like scandalized?  She was totally blushing.  "I heard they might do this!  Trin's a huge _Dirty Dancing_ fan... it's this movie, I've seen it before... you missed it when they showed it the other night, huh?" 

" _Dirty_ dancing?"  _I was probably getting dirty with Joel that night instead!_ "How is it dirty?"  She watched the dancers assemble and start to dance... and she quickly got the gist of it.  She looked at Joel again; he looked like he wanted to follow Will's lead.

"Oh hell no," he said, as if his horrified expression hadn't already made that abundantly clear.

Ellie couldn't blame him; it might be juuuust a bit awkward for them to be out there grinding against each other like that in front of everyone.  But the song was perky and fun -- in all her life, she'd never heard of _mashed potatoes_ being incorporated into the lyrics before!  It made no sense in this song either, but Ellie admired the originality.  She really wanted to try out the dancing.  Even if it was allegedly 'dirty' and she wouldn't be dancing with Joel, it looked fun...

As if Annie had read her mind, she exclaimed, "C'mon, Ellie, let's do it!"

Ellie glanced at Joel, and he motioned for her to go ahead.  Dancing with Annie didn't count as dancing with 'other people,' she decided.  And there were other girls dancing together... and two guys, Nate and Daniel -- the only Jacksonites that Ellie knew for sure were gay.  For some bizarre reason, any girl would dance with another girl if she wanted to, but guys would only dance with other guys if both parties were gay.  It was another silly rule from Joel's time, so Ellie thought it shouldn't be a thing anymore, but apparently it was.

They did more laughing than dancing through what remained of the first song, but Ellie felt like she was starting to get the hang of it by the end of the second.  It was basically just gyrating your hips a lot -- and you could do it without being all up in your partner's crotch.  Like, there was a 'clean' way to do it.  You could just hold hands and kind of do your own thing without any other body parts touching.  Clicker was cracking her up, trying to do it with Alyssa (a nice enough girl who had the misfortune of being Jacob’s little sister)… or, maybe not _trying_ so much as just flailing around like a goofball; Annie confirmed that his ‘moves,’ if one could call them such, did not come from the movie.  Joel _totally_ could have stayed out there and danced with her if he wasn't such a pussy about it.  Although... to be fair, it would've been hard for her to keep her hands off of him -- in observing some of the couples, she noted that ass-groping was a popular move. 

Anyway, she did enjoy dancing with Annie, who wasn't half bad at it.  They twirled each other, dipped each other... they did this thing where you lower yourself and then come back up and try to look down your partner's shirt (except they only pretended the last bit, amidst much giggling).  They did a little bit of close-dancing, but no groping or anything naughty like that.  Ellie couldn't help but think of Riley a little... about dancing with her friend on that last day they'd shared together, forever ago.  Annie could never replace Riley... but she didn't have to.  Just like Ellie couldn't replace Sarah for Joel.  It didn't work like that; each new person carved out their own special place.  Ellie was thrilled to see Annie laugh again.  To see a certain light return to her eyes.  She knew her friend was strong, and that she'd be okay, but to see her actually look _happy_...!  If Joel had done to her what Jacob did to Annie, Ellie would never recover.  She knew it.  _I'm so lucky to have him as my boyfriend!_ she realized for the zillionth time.

Ellie caught that asshole Jacob watching them, and she pulled Annie close just so she could flip him off behind her back.  He didn't seem particularly upset by that -- in fact, he might have even rolled his eyes? -- but it gave Ellie satisfaction to do it.  And every time she looked in Joel's direction, he was watching her as well.  She motioned for him to come back out to the floor a couple times, but his only response was to give her a withering look.

A few other girls that Ellie knew were dancing, too, and all of them sort of ended up partnering up with everyone else in turns -- but no guys tried to worm their way in there when that happened.  Ellie wondered if it was because they were afraid of Joel... except it wasn't just her -- they steered clear of her friends, too.  _Too much girl power for them!_ she figured.  Lisa ditched Justin to dance with the girls, and she informed Ellie -- and anyone nearby -- that her blue sweater and dress made her look like the girl in the movie (it was the wrong shade of blue, but still?), deducing from this that Ellie must be a natural.  Everyone familiar with the movie was like _"Oh yeah!",_ and Ellie found all eyes on her for a few moments -- in which she very much proved she was _not_ a natural, and yet, suddenly everyone wanted to dance with her!  _Wow, this is... it feels like I have a real group of friends!_   She usually just didn't... _click_ that way, with most people.  Certainly not several at the same time.

After a few songs, the so-called 'dirty' dance stuff was over.  Somehow, Ellie and the other girls had spun their way over to the far end -- far from her own table, anyway -- and as she exited the floor, all flushed and giddy, she noticed someone she hadn't seen earlier, sitting at one of the little tables -- _Max!_  She hadn't talked to him in ages.  She almost went over there to greet him, but thought better of it. 

It wasn't that she didn't intend to talk to him -- she just had to go tell Joel first.  She only wanted to say hi to Max for a minute, not to dance with him or anything... no reason for Joel to get all bent out of shape over it.  Joel could come with her for all she cared.  Ellie loved him for feeling so protective of her, to the point of overreacting, even.  But there were times it was completely unwarranted, and she wished he would ease up a little... maybe trust her and her judgment a little more.  Tonight, she would settle for him just not going apeshit for no good reason.  It was too happy a night to be tainted by any of that stupid macho guy bullshit!


	15. Smoke and Mirrors

Ellie could feel Joel's eyes on her as she hurried over to Max's table.  If he was watching her like a hawk before, now he was watching her like a... starving hawk, or something.  But she wouldn't stay long.

Max was about as dressed up as Joel -- button-down shirt, nicer-than-usual pants... and a black cowboy hat, an accessory that made Joel call him a poser.  That was probably the nicest thing Joel had ever called him.  Max was alone at a small table that she assumed he shared with his parents, and from the looks of it, one or two other people... maybe they were all dancing or something.  She plopped down into the chair next to his -- sideways, so as to face him instead of the table.  "Hi!"

"Hey, Sunshine."  He'd dubbed her that after some sunshine-up-the-ass remark... back when she'd first realized she was in love with Joel, and was all sickeningly happy about it. 

"I thought this wasn't your _thing_ ," she teased.

"I could say the same for you -- I almost didn't recognize you.  Never seen you wear a dress before... and your hair... ?"

"It's crazy, right?  Sometimes I'm actually a girl," she said dryly.  "I bet half the people here don't recognize me.  But seriously, why are you here and not just... doing your far-away-people-watch thing?"

"It ain't so bad.  Bryan's a good guy.  I'm happy for him."

_So Max DOES have friends_ , Ellie mused to herself.  Or at least people he knew a little bit.  Ellie couldn't remember if Bryan ever went on the supply runs with him or not... "That was cool of you to delay your trip for this."

He seemed a little surprised that she remembered how the date determined their expected departure day.  It was just simple math.  "That was Tommy's doing, but it worked out fine.  No reason we can't go tomorrow instead."  He chuckled a little.  "You got that wanderlust out of your system for good now?"

"Yep, Joel's being nice now.  So don't worry, I won't try to tag along."

"You can come anytime you want as far as I'm concerned.  Your friend, too.  Hell, we'd prob'ly only need half the people if you two came along."

'Your friend' was the way Max referred to Joel.  Ellie much preferred it to 'your dad,' which was what most people would say.  She knew she shouldn't be so quick to correct them, as that assumption only reinforced that they weren't lovers, but... that was exactly why Ellie didn't like it!  "You mean for like... bodyguard value?  Only I'd have to protect you from _him_ , too.  Ha!"

Max glanced in Joel's direction.  "I'm surprised he ain't here yelling at me for talking to you.  He noticed, you know... he's looking this way."

Ellie scoffed.  "Please.  I can talk to whoever I want.  But... yeah, I did tell him I wanted to say hi to you, so he couldn't get pissy about it and come over here and be a dick."

He turned back to her.  "You said he's being nice to you now?"

"Yeah!" Ellie was quick to assure him.  "He's always been nice.  I mean... well, he was an asshole before and everything, but still nice."

Max quirked an eyebrow.  "A nice asshole?"

"He's not an asshole.  Not now.  And... he didn't mean to be.  Before."  Ellie had a very distinct Before and After in her mind -- before they kissed, and after, because that was when everything had changed.  But since 'before' was also a way of saying 'in the past,' she could get away with saying it in casual conversation with people.

"Don't matter if he _means_ to.  If he--"

"Max, no -- he wasn't -- I think I've given you the wrong impression of him.  The whole thing was my fault.  And just because we look at things differently sometimes... I shouldn't have said he was an asshole.  I just didn't get where he was coming from."  _I also provoked the shit out of him..._

"Okay.  Does he get where _you're_ coming from?"

"Yes," she answered automatically, even though it wasn't entirely true.  "He's really good to me.  Doesn't even yell at me.  I'm the one who yells." She chuckled at herself.  "You've seen him since the trip, haven't you?"

"Yeah, and he always looks pissed off."

Ellie snickered a little.  "I'm sure that's only cuz of you.  No offense."

Max laughed.  "That's fair.  I just thought after we helped each other out, him and I... thought he might chill a little."

"I don't think Joel knows how to chill.  He's not bothering you anymore, is he?"

"Naw.  But I'd hate to see what he does to any boy who tries to date you."

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "Pfffff.  That won't be a problem."

Both of Max's eyebrows shot up now.  "No?  Do you even know how he's looking at me right now?"

Ellie turned around to see Joel's deathglare.  It certainly _would_ scare off some twerpy little boy.  _Good thing I'll never have to deal with that!_   She grinned at him and waved; he didn't smile back.  _She_ knew Max was a decent person.  It was Joel's problem if he thought otherwise.  He always thought the worst of people.  But she did respect his wishes as far as hanging out with the guy.  Even when Joel was out of town, she hadn't gone to find Max.  Their paths didn't cross often, and it was just as well.  She turned back to Max.  "Whatever.  It's all for show," she lied.

"I don't think so.  But... if you're okay with it..." He shrugged, but Ellie thought he was looking at her a little bit... well... seriously?  Like he was really asking something else.

"Of course!  Dude, he's not as bad as you think."

"Okay.  Sure.  He just seems very..."

"Very what?" she prompted, even though she knew she wouldn't like the answer.

"...Controlling."

Ellie sighed.  "Look, I can do whatever I want and talk to whoever I want.  I know you don't get it, but I _like_ hanging out with him all the time.  There's a side to him that... no one else ever sees.  Just me."  Ellie hoped the dim lighting hid the fact that her face had just caught fire, as she couldn't help thinking of the 'side' of him she'd been seeing this week...

Max chuckled.  "Okay, hon, all right… I believe you.  And I gotta say, you do seem a hell of a lot happier since... whenever that was.  Couple months ago?"

"Yeah... things are good!" she beamed at him.  ... _Too much?_   "I mean, like... all around.  Everything here.  Life is good."

As if Joel wasn't already irked enough, another guy was approaching the table.  It was that new person... the eighteen-year-old.  Colton.  "Hi.  Ellie, right?" he said tentatively, glancing at Max.

"Yeah, hi!"  She introduced Max and Colton to each other, then looked at Colton.  "You have good timing -- you've only been here like a week and already there's a party!"

Colton made a little noise (which Ellie decided belonged in the 'laugh' category).  Then he ran his hand through his wavy hair, looking nervous as fuck.  But he did make eye contact when he spoke to her.  "Less than a week, yeah."  He scratched the back of his neck in a way that made Ellie wonder if he was trying to look casual -- and failing.  "Yeah, so, um... I was wondering... do you wanna dance?" He sort of blurted out that last in a rush.

_Shit!_  It must've taken some balls for him to come over to her and ask that.  She wondered if he'd been waiting for the opportunity to approach her -- if so, it was smart of him to wait until she wasn't with Joel... although Joel had been surprisingly civil when they'd met the new people.  Maybe Colton didn't even _know_.  Max had a fairly neutral expression on his face... possibly leaning towards amusement, since they had _just_ been talking about this.  _I have to say something!_ she realized.  "Oh, um... I would, except... er..."  _Fuck!  How do I not hurt his feelings?_  She couldn't even use Joel as an excuse, like saying she wasn't _allowed_ or something, because then Max might not believe her when she explained that it was just bullshit she'd used to let Colton down easy.  Maybe it was the kindest way, though... so what if Max didn't believe it?  Still, she just... didn't want to go that route.  _Besides, it's not fair to make Joel the bad guy..._

She must have hesitated long enough that Colton got the picture anyway.  "Okay, I -- that's okay," he all but stammered.  "Um, have a good night?"

Ellie winced as he left, and Max chortled.  "Does that boy even know you just saved his life?"

"Shut up," said Ellie, rolling her eyes again.  "I could've danced with him.  Joel doesn't care.  I just didn't want to!"

"How come?  Good-lookin' kid, seems nice..."

"He's not my type," Ellie said sagely.  "I'm not into blonds."

"His hair is brown."

"It's dark blond!  He'll find somebody else to dance with.  No biggie.  Funny how he came over here and... I mean, why didn't he think maybe I was like... with you?  You know?"

"Uh, let's see -- maybe 'cause I'm twice as old as you are?"

"You're only twenty-seven!"  He was like a _baby_ compared to Joel, age-wise.

"And you're fourteen."

"Fifteen!" she corrected indignantly.

"Fifteen, sorry.  Some other kid prob'ly gave him the lowdown."

She hadn't been hanging out with the other teens much since Joel had come home.  She imagined that someone had given Colton and his family a tour, explained how things worked and who was who... maybe he'd asked about her.  Asked if she had a boyfriend.  _YES!  I DO!_   But of course, they would've told him she didn't.  Was that the sort of thing people would just straight up _ask_ , though?  That was just inviting people to give you shit.  Maybe he'd been smart about it and asked about everyone in general, not just her.

_Oh, wait -- DUH!_   She suddenly remembered how Tommy had been talking about him on family movie night.  "Tommy prob'ly told him when they first got here.  So why aren't _you_ out there dancing?  Not like people get to dance very often in this town."

"Yeah... no, I'm kind of a shit dancer."

Truly, Max didn't strike her as the dance-y type, and she'd only been trying to steer him away from any more Colton talk with her comment, but now she wanted to see him go and enjoy himself.  "So are at least half the people out there, though, right?" she said encouragingly.

"You may have a point.  You see my parents?"  He pointed them out to Ellie amidst the throng of dancers.  "I have more pride, I guess."

"Awww, look how cute they are!  Fuck pride."  Ellie watched Ben and Sue -- who weren't really _bad_ , just... not good? -- for half a minute, until the current song ended, and a slow song began.  No one could really fuck up slow-dancing too badly.  She avoided looking over at Joel; she was sure he'd seen Colton come talk to her, although he wouldn't have known he was asking her to dance... she wasn't sure why she didn't want to make eye contact with him now.  Like she felt... _guilty_ , or something.  She did want to get back to him, though.  "Okay, well, I'm gonna go..."  But before she could turn away from the dance floor, an unwelcome sight commanded her attention.  _What the fuck?!_  She stood up abruptly and grabbed Max's hand.  "Come on!"

"C'mon where?"  But he did get up and let her jerk him along.

She stopped just as abruptly, nearly causing him to run into her, and turned around to tell him, "You're not a shit dancer, you just need practice!  Just follow my lead here, okay?"  Then she marched right up to Jacob and Annie... who were dancing.  _Together_.  To a _slow_ song, even.  Annie saw her approaching.  She had that look on her face that Ellie imagined she herself wore at times -- when she was bracing herself for another lecture from Joel.  But Ellie could save the lecturing for later; she had something else in mind.

"Sorry to _interrupt,_ " she said sweetly, with a pointed look at Jacob.  "But Max _really_ wants to dance with you, Annie!"  With that, she sort of shoved Max and Annie together, grabbed Jacob by the arm, and dragged him away.

Jacob wrenched free of her grip.  He didn't try to run away like a pussy, so she didn't fight it.  "What's your problem?" he snarled at her.

Ellie turned her icy glare on him when they were off the floor, on the opposite side of all the tables and the DJ/stereo set up, relatively alone.  Out of earshot, but not completely out of sight... she was sure they would draw some attention.  She didn't care.  "Are you serious?!  You know what my fucking problem is!"

"So... what, you gonna threaten me again?" he said with a derisive snort.  "You bring your knife?"

Ellie wished she had.  Not that she could even pull it on him in front of all these people... _man, would Joel be pissed!_  But Jacob had been so scared of her that night.  And she'd _enjoyed_ his fear.  Yeah, she wasn't quite as sweet'n'innocent as Joel liked to believe...  "I don't need that to talk some sense into you.  What the fuck are you _doing?_   If you have any decency in you at all--"

"You know Christine and I broke up," he interrupted her.  "And Annie's okay with being friends.  You don't have to go all..." He made a vague sweeping gesture with his hand.

"What, I don't have to look out for my friend?  My friend who's too nice to tell you to fuck off?  She's not interested, asshole."

"I just said we're--"

" _Friends_ \-- yeah, right, I know.  Except you don't know _how_ to be friends with girls.  See, how it works is, you don't go around _fucking_ them all with that pencil-dick of yours."

The outrage on his face was beautiful.  "What?  I don't--"

"Liar!" She cut him off before she could find out if he was protesting the fucking-them-all part or the pencil-dick part.  "Anyways, Annie doesn't need you and she doesn't want you -- she has Max now," Ellie blurted out.  She hadn't intended to say that last bit -- an obvious lie -- but... _hey, they really are dancing together!_ she was happy to see.  _I can run with this!_   "Just look at them!  Look!"

Jacob did turn around to look.  It was perfect!  They weren't even looking at Ellie and Jacob, so it didn't appear that they were merely playing roles under Ellie's direction -- and Annie was actually laughing.  _Ha!  Take THAT, motherfucker!_   Annie looked so pretty today in a rosy pink dress (one she never wore down at the farm), with soft curls cascading over her shoulders and down her back, courtesy of Esther... and she had learned the same tip Ellie had in the library that one day, when Ellie was trying to learn how to make Joel fall in love with her:  laugh with another guy if you want to make your guy jealous.  Apparently, jealousy triggered something associated with love in the male brain, so look like you're having a fucking blast without him.  Only, in Annie’s case, she hoped Annie wanted him to be jealous more as a ‘fuck you’ than as a means of making him love her.  _He doesn’t even know the meaning of the word!_   Anyway, it hadn't worked very well with Joel; he just got pissed off at her.  Jacob's reaction would probably be more normal.  And Annie's laughter didn't even seem fake or forced, like Ellie's had been.  _How much better it would be if it was genuine, and she wasn't even TRYING to make Jacob jealous -- because she doesn't give a flying fuck!_   It did look pretty real to Ellie.  She'd have to thank Max later for 'following her lead' so well. 

She moved a little so she could see Jacob's face better.  It appeared he was trying to look like he didn't give a shit, but the way the muscles in his jaw were twitching... she suspected he very much gave a shit.  Multiple shits.

"What's goin' on here?"

_So predictable._   Joel had been watching her, of course.  She was a little surprised it had taken him this long to come over.  "Oh, nothing," she said airily.  "I was just telling this douchebag to stay the fuck away from my friend."

Joel didn't seem to know what to say to that.  She figured he didn't want to get involved in what he considered 'teen drama.'  Jacob's eyes widened a little as he regarded Joel, and it looked like he was holding his breath or something... he took a step backwards... _the motherfucker's afraid of Joel!_  That was annoying -- insulting, even -- because Ellie was the one he should be scared of! 

After an awkward pause, Joel just said, "Well, come on, they're gonna do the cake soon."  They left Jacob standing there.  Ellie looked back to make sure that he didn't immediately go break up Max and Annie's dance, and was pleased to see that he was just watching them.  Hopefully thinking exactly what Ellie wanted him to think.

"Ellie--" Joel began.

She turned back to Joel and cut him off immediately.  "Don't lecture me!  I didn't do anything wrong.  I was just _talking_ to the dickwad, for fuck's sake."

Joel sighed.  "It's nice that you wanna protect your friend.  But maybe you should let them work out their issues them--"

"No way!"  She stopped walking, which forced him to stop and turn around to look at her.  "Don't you get it?  She's confused.  He'll take advantage of that."

Joel calmly took her by the arm and steered her over near the park restrooms a short distance away.  Not exactly a private area, but at least now they had a wall blocking most people's view of them.  "So your solution is to sic Max on the poor girl?"

Ellie couldn't help feeling a little smug about that.  "Yeah.  That was brilliant of me, actually.  You may not like him--"

"Understatement of the year," Joel muttered.

"--but did you see them?  Annie was laughing!  They're just dancing, Joel.  And Jacob's all jealous now, thinking maybe it's more than that.  It's perfect!"

Joel chuckled.  "Perfect... except maybe now he'll try harder to win her back?  Rise up to the challenge... the competition?  Competition that ain't even real?"

_Fuck!_ She'd been so thrilled at the idea of Jacob being jealous that she hadn't really wanted to consider the point of that tip in the first place.  "Or he'll just... back off," she said defensively.   "Figure he's lost.  Right?  That could happen, don't you think?"

"I don' know.  It's really none of your business.  You've said your piece... to both of them, now... they know how you feel.  They can take your opinion into consideration, or not.  You don' gotta threaten--"

"I wasn't threatening him!" Ellie cut in, annoyed. _At least not yet, I wasn't..._

"Well, whatever you were doin'... you shouldn't be... provokin' people..."  He seemed to be weighing his words, like he didn't quite know how to say what he wanted.

Ellie snorted.  "Is that what this is about?  Don't tell me you're worried about that little shit, like...”

"I know you can handle yourself," Joel conceded.  "Don' mean I like seein' you... makin' enemies, or..."

Ellie laughed.  "Jacob's already an enemy.  I'm not 'making' anything."

"He's just a kid."

"That doesn't excuse what he did!"

"No... but he's a kid.  Kids fuck up.  Maybe he's learned his lesson."

"What?  Fuck that!" Ellie said angrily.  "So he should get another chance with Annie because _maybe_ he's learned from it?!"

"I didn' say that."

"You implied it!"

"No I didn't," Joel said placidly.  Whenever Ellie started yelling, he was maddeningly calm.  "I'm jus' sayin'... makin' mistakes don' necessarily make him a bad person."

"Well, what if he made those so-called _mistakes_ with me?" Ellie challenged.  "How would you feel if he'd cheated on me with some fugly cunt bitch with big tits, cuz I wouldn't put out?  You'd be okay with that?" 

He actually laughed at that, annoying Ellie even further.  Not even a little chuckle -- it was a hearty fucking _laugh_. 

"What the fuck is so funny?!" she fumed.

"I'm sorry, baby girl... " Only he didn't seem the least bit sorry.  "Jus'... the way you say things sometimes..."

Ellie wasn't amused.  "Answer the question.  What if it had been me?"

"So, not with jus' some plain ol’ bitch.  A fugly..."

"Yes!"  Ellie didn't know what a ‘cunt bitch’ was either, but it sounded like an apt description of Christine.  "What would you do?!"

"Don' be ridiculous."

"It's not ridiculous!  Just think about it.  Think about it with that fucking stubborn-ass brain of yours.  What would you do?  Not that I'd ever-- I don't know _what_ Annie sees in the dickweed.  But let's pretend.  He cheats on me, lies about it, then tries to play nice after a little time goes by.  Not because he cares about me -- he's just fucking with me.  Fucking with me because he's not done trying to _fuck_ me.  It's that thing you were talking about!"  And that she'd read about... "He fucks Christine, then dumps her.  Even though she gave him what he wanted.  He'd rather try to get it from someone who won't.  _Fuck_ , guys are stupid."

"I could've told you that."

"So?  If it was me, you'd think it was okay to give him another chance?" she prodded.  Joel was always turning things back around on her to make a point; she was just utilizing a skill he'd inadvertently taught her.  _And he doesn't like it any more than I do when he does it to me!_

Joel sighed.  "Ellie, it ain't a fair question."

"Why not?!"

"…There'd be no second chance 'cause I prob'ly would've killed him the first time around."

"Ha!  I knew it!" she smirked.  She was pleased he hadn't even bothered to supply a more-appropriate-but-clearly-bullshit answer first.  _Okay, I won't be mad at him,_ she decided.  "But -- then you'd get thrown out of town!"  Or so he'd indicated when she was the murderer and Skankypants the victim.

"Maybe they'd jus' throw me in quarantine forever," he amended.

"Oh, that's okay," she said agreeably.  "I'd come visit you.  No -- I'd come live with you in there."

"They prob'ly wouldn' let you.  An' that'd be a worse punishment than killin' me."

"Aww."  Ellie really wanted to kiss him, or at least hug him, but she kept a respectful distance between them.  She didn't feel like fighting about Jacob anymore.  She could have told Joel that he'd just proven her point -- or that he was a big fat hypocrite, if nothing else -- but then he would just go on to try to explain how it was _different_ , and it would just go on and on and _on_.  "Hey, are they really doing the cake soon or did you make that up?"

Joel chuckled.  "I don' know... I reckon they gotta do it before too much longer, right?"

"Ha!  So you lied," Ellie snickered.  "Well, since we're right here, I'm gonna go pee."

"All right.  Me too."

She grinned.  "Wanna come in with--"

_"NO,"_ he said quickly.  "Jus'... go on."

"Fine.  You're no fun."  She pretended to pout.  He just shook his head, chuckling to himself (hopefully imagining the fun he was missing out on), and headed for the men's restroom around the corner.  Ellie entered the ladies'.  The restrooms were a stand-alone structure, kind of in the middle of the park.  They didn't have doors, just little mini-hallways leading into each one.

Ellie went into a stall with a door that wouldn't lock right... not that she'd be in there long enough to care.  She yanked her panties down; one advantage she had to give to the dress versus her jeans was the easy access!  She realized someone else was in the restroom, a couple stalls over.  _Good thing I didn't try to sneak Joel in here with me!_  She hated to admit it, but he _was_ right sometimes.  Once in a while.

Whoever was over there... it sounded like she was crying.  Not all-out bawling or anything, but... sniffling.  Breathing more audibly than a non-crying person would.  It was such a happy night, everyone seemed to be in good spirits, so why would... _maybe it's Boo's mom?_   Or maybe it wasn't as tragic as that, and someone was just having a shitty day.  Ellie wasn't sure what she should do.  If she was the one in there crying, she would hope that the other person would just ignore her.  But was that weird?  Maybe the other person was desperately hoping someone would come in that she could talk to...

Ellie finished her business in the stall and washed her hands at the sink.  _It's none of my business_ , she told herself.  _That's what Joel's been trying to tell me.  Just butt out of things._   She started to walk out... but she couldn't.  She crept over toward the back stall... silently, in case she changed her mind again... maybe the girl wasn't even crying, exactly... but whatever it was, she decided that it at least warranted acknowledgment.  "Hey.  Are you okay in there?" she asked tentatively.

Silence. 

_Great, maybe now I've embarrassed her._   "Just, um... if you want someone to talk to, or... I could just leave you alone... whatever.  Whatever's wrong, I'm sure it's..." _What -- it's gonna be fine?  Like I even know?_   Sometimes Ellie just couldn't seem to stop herself from babbling nonsense.  She sighed.  "Well, I don't know what's wrong, but... if you wanna talk..."

"Is that you, Ellie?" said a shaky voice.  It sounded familiar, but Ellie couldn't place it.  Clearly it was someone she knew, if the person knew _her_.

"Yeah, it's me.  Um... sorry, but who are you?"

She heard the lock click on the stall, and she backed away to give the person room to come out.  She couldn't believe who it was -- Skankypants!"You?!" Ellie stared at her.  _What the fuck could this bitch have to cry about?_

Even with red eyes and a splotchy face, she was kind of pretty.  Sophie smiled a little.  "Yeah.  Shocker, huh?  I'm okay."  She walked over to the sink and leaned over it to splash some water on her face.

Ellie felt awkward now.  She kind of wanted to bolt -- especially before Joel found out the skank was in there (though... why should she care about that?  Would Joel give a fuck she was crying?  ...he wouldn't, would he?!).  But that seemed rude, and for some reason, the thought of being rude froze her in place, even though she shouldn't care about _that_ , either.  Not with this twat.  She could have maybe handed the woman a towel from the rack to dry off with or something, but she didn't.  She just stood there, waiting, not knowing what to say. 

The slut grabbed a towel herself.  "You're really sweet, you know that?" she said as she patted her face with it.  She sounded annoyingly sincere.

"Um... I'm not, really," Ellie mumbled, feeling another blush coming on.  _If I had known it was YOU in there, I wouldn't have said a word._...Ellie might have voiced such thoughts, at another time.  For some reason, she didn't want to now.  It couldn't be that she felt _sorry_ for the cunt.  Tears or not.

Skanky's dress was more conservative than Ellie would have guessed.  It was navy blue, which didn't seem like the right color for her.  Red would've been more appropriate, as that color was considered sexy, for some reason.  The skirt was almost as long as Ellie's, and the neckline showed only a hint of cleavage.  Maybe there weren't any trampier dresses available in her size?  _Maybe that's why she's crying!_   Skankzilla brought the towel down from her face and gave Ellie an odd little half-smile.  "If you're wondering what my deal is..."

"I wasn't," Ellie lied.  _Okay, so I was, but now I kinda just want to leave..._

Skankypants seemed to want to offer an explanation anyway.  "It's the reception.  It made me think of... well..." The thought drifted away.

"Oh.  It made you think of... er... I don't think I know his name..." Ellie remembered hearing of a boyfriend who had died on their trek to Jackson.

"Alex."

Ellie blinked.  "Alex?  The same name as your brother?  That must've been weird."

The other woman chuckled softly.  "No, my brother's the one I'm thinking about."

And that was even weirder.  What would her brother have to do with the wedding, or wedding feelings in general?  "Oh.  ...okay, so... ?"

"I'm just worried.  I thought maybe... I was hoping he might come back, after he... found what he was looking for... actually, it's a _who_ he was looking for.  But... I think maybe that was stupid.  Stupid of me to think that.  It hasn't been long enough for him to come back anyway... all I can do about it is worry."  She sighed and looked down at the towel in her hands.  Started wringing it absently.  "The wedding just... made it hit home.  That he's... _gone_.  He's always been there.  My whole life, always there.  And now he's gone.  The only family I have left."  Her voice broke.

Ellie was still a little confused, but she didn't really need to hear the full explanation.  It was strange to think that happy, sexy Skankytwat had all these... _feelings_.  And that she would expose them to Ellie for no good reason.  Much as she didn't like to think about it, Ellie knew that Sophie was a human being, and part of being human was having feelings.  That she wasn't just this... _thing_ that existed to try to seduce Joel and make Ellie mad -- a skank, as Ellie liked to categorize her.  Maybe the skank thing was just a persona.  Or... maybe it wasn't like a total illusion, just that there were also other sides to her.  _Like serious Joel versus sweet Joel versus killer Joel... but, whatever -- why is this chick even telling me THIS much?  Has she had a little too much to drink, maybe?!_  

It seemed like it was Ellie's turn to say something.  "Okay," she said dumbly.

Not exactly a comforting response, or a please-tell-me-more, but the woman continued emoting.  "And I'm pissed that he left.  I know why... and why he didn't ask me to-- didn't give me the choice, but it still, just..."  She dabbed at her eyes again with the towel, then resumed talking -- to the ceiling now, rather than the towel. "That's not even important.  Like... what if I never see him again?  Right?  Because that's what happens.  Someone leaves, they could be alive or dead, and you just... never really _know_ , you know?  And you have to live with that, day in and day out.  And not let it drive you bonkers."

Ellie could relate to that.  Much as she didn't like the thought of... well, _relating_ to the bitch in any way... she knew what that felt like.  And it was one of the crappiest feelings in the world.  Come to think of it, Ellie hadn't seen her dancing at all.  Not even the dirty-dancing -- and wouldn't that _totally_ be her thing, as a skank?  Maybe she really was feeling sad as fuck.  And she couldn't have known Ellie would choose to go to the bathroom at that time, if she was just trying to play some kind of mind game with her... and why would she even want to do that?  But -- she had friends, so why didn't she go talk to them?  Why go sit on a toilet by yourself and cry?  Ellie thought she'd seen her with her skanky counterpart before... maybe that just wasn't a thing that was _done_ in the skank circle.  Or maybe she couldn't pull the other woman away from her son and her niece.  Maybe it was just plain hard to do when everyone else was having such a good time.

Ellie was trying to think of something decent to say that wasn't horseshit when Joel's voice outside spared her the effort.

_"Ellie?  You okay?"_

Sophie seemed amused by that.  "He comes looking for you in the _ladies' room?"_ she marveled quietly, finally looking at Ellie.

Before she could think to stifle it, Ellie smiled a little.  "He does if he thinks I'm taking too long.  What's that saying... old habits die slow?"  Like she might get fucking _kidnapped_ from the bathroom or something?  Fall in a toilet and drown?  It was sort of adorable, though, that he just had to check.  She called out to Joel, "Yeah, I'm fine!  I'll be out in a minute!"

The other woman made a shooing motion with her hand, then folded up the towel to hang it back on the rack.  "Go ahead.  I'm okay now... thanks, Ellie."

Ellie stared at her shoes, surprised for a second when she didn't see her usual sneakers.  "I didn't do anything," she said honestly.

"You could've just left," she pointed out.

_I wanted to!_   "Whatever.  No biggie."

"Go," she repeated.  "I'll hang back a minute."

_Huh?_   Ellie looked up from her golden toes.  "Why would you do that?"

"Well... you know.  So you and Joel can go... and I'll just..."

"Do you, like... not want to see him or something?"  . _..why am I questioning that?  That's fucking GREAT.  Ugh, Ellie, just shut up!_

"No, it's... whatever.  I just thought _you_ would rather... it would be a little uncomfortable, I guess is what I'm saying.  Awkward.  You know."

"Like us running into each other in here, you mean?" Ellie said mildly.

"Yeppers," Sophie replied, chuckling.  "I hope it's... less awkward now."

If that was supposed to be some kind of peace offering... Ellie wasn't going for it.  But she wouldn't be mean.  - _And 'yeppers'?  Seriously?  Why can't she just say 'yep' or 'yeah' or 'yes' like everyone else does?_   "You don't wanna stay in here, though, do you?" was all she asked her aloud.

"No..."

"So come on.  I won't say anything about... this."  Especially not if it would make Joel feel sorry for the woman!  But she kept that thought to herself. 

As far as she knew, Sophie hadn't said anything to anyone about the... _incident_ in her bedroom.  If she had blabbed, surely Ellie or Joel would have taken some shit for it by now.  Either Joel was hiding it from Ellie -- and she couldn't exactly rule that out, but she really didn't think that was the case -- or Sophie had kept her mouth shut, for reasons unknown.  Maybe she had an end game in mind.  Like maybe she wasn't done trying to get Joel to love her... or maybe she was embarrassed by her own role in it?  ... _But couldn't she have made herself look good by embellishing it a bit?  Like... make it sound like Joel was passionately ripping her clothes off or something, until I RUINED everything?_   Ellie knew how the rumor mill worked in Jackson.  She had even fed it herself; she wouldn't be surprised if there were still people in town who believed that Joel had kidnapped her -- that they had met that way.  Ellie liked that one. 

Anyway, she really wasn't in the mood to ponder Sophie's schemes at the moment.  It kind of didn't matter, because Joel belonged to Ellie -- a fact that he proved every single day.  Even if no one else knew, _Ellie_ knew.  She could afford to be charitable to this... skank.  Or whatever she was.  "Come on.  It's okay.  You should go out there and... dance or something."

Whatever-she-was had apparently grown tired of trying to get Ellie to leave her behind.  And she seemed to like Ellie's suggestion.  "Cool beans," she said, sounding a little more cheerful.  "You're right -- just gimme a sec." Sophie turned back to the mirror and started fluffing her hair.

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "Like you even need to do that."  _Certainly not if it's for Joel's sake!  And what's so cool about BEANS, anyway?_ Ellie tugged on Sophie's arm, pulling her away from the sink... and then with sudden inspiration, she linked arms with the woman and flashed her a wicked smile.  "Come on.  I wanna see the look on Joel's face when we walk out together like this.  Smile!"


	16. Something To Talk About

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Bonnie Raitt song.

"That was reeeeeally good.  Is there more?"

"Why don' you jus' eat your cake?" Joel suggested -- since it wasn't the dessert that Ellie was referring to.  About an hour after Joel's little fib declaring they'd be doing it 'soon,' the cake-cutting had finally occurred.

"You mean _your_ cake," Ellie clarified.  "So, since you gave me most of your piece, maybe you could..."

"No, you don' need any more champagne.  An' don' pout like that.  It won't work."  _I hope._ He'd dealt with a drunken Ellie once before, and it hadn't been pretty.  _At least this time she's drinking with ME?_ And they were now alone at their table, as Tommy and Maria had gone off somewhere after the cake show to mingle with other guests.

"Aww, c'mon.  Just a little more wouldn't hurt.  I'm not even... what's that word?"

"Hammered?"

"No."

"Wasted?"

"No."

"Plastered?"

"No -- isn't that something you do to walls?  And broken legs!"  Ellie laughed loudly at that.

"How about jus' plain ol' 'drunk'?" Joel offered.

"No!  It's like... oh!  I remember!  When there's a buzzing in your head!  _Buzzed._   I think maybe I am now, a little."

Joel had never connected that term to the actual sound, but it was logical.  "Well then, you don' need no more."

"But I'm only a _little_.  What's that other word... tipping?  I'm not that."

"Tipsy," Joel corrected.  "An' it's the same damn thing."

Something about that statement amused her, too.  She was all smiley and bubbly -- and adorable, naturally.  It wasn't that Joel didn't like seeing her happy... he just didn't want her to overdo it.  She'd been acting a little strangely since _before_ the champagne... she'd nearly fallen on the dance floor, and she and Sophie had come out of that restroom giggling like a couple of school girls.  He'd thought Ellie would rather chew glass (or... kiss a Bloater?) than even be in the same room as Sophie, yet there they were, all chummy.  Ellie offered no reasonable explanation afterward.  -No explanation at all, really.  Joel chalked it up to one of those bizarre, inexplicable _girl_ things that seemed to take place in restrooms.  It had mystified him back in the day, too.  Put two dudes in a restroom together (straight dudes, anyway), and all they would do is ignore one another.  Why the hell would anyone want to do any... _bonding_ in there?

Ellie had eaten a healthy amount at dinner.  It was a couple of hours ago now, but it still seemed like she shouldn't be three sheets to the wind on diluted champagne.  Maybe it got more potent over the years?  It definitely got flatter.  And it had an odd, sour aftertaste... which didn't seem to put her off of it at all.  Anyway, Joel couldn't help being a little suspicious.  "That champagne got to you awfully quick.  Did Max slip you some booze or what?"

"Are you serious?!" she exclaimed -- with amusement instead of irritation, at least.  "Joel, you were watching me the whole time.  How could he?"

"...maybe he did it when I was blinkin'.  I don' know-- I could've missed somethin'."

Ellie looked scandalized.  "You?  _Miss_ something?  Never!  You're the most observant person I know.  Well, at least with stuff like that.  Maybe not so much, like... noticing when a girl's in _love_ with you or something..."

"Ellie..." he warned.

"I'm just _SAYING_ ," she drawled.  "In general.  Sheesh."

That was another reason not to let Ellie drink too much:  that tongue of hers sure didn't need to be any looser.  She'd behaved herself so far.  They'd talked to a fair amount of guests over the course of the evening, and she hadn't slipped up at all, that Joel could see... hadn't shot him any looks... That was important.  Stifling the urge to exchange _looks_.  People could pick up on that shit.  In most instances, it didn't matter, but where the nature of their relationship was concerned... he really needed her to be discreet.  He wasn't overly worried about it tonight, though, because he felt confident in his ability to smooth over any hiccups in her discretion with lies where needed; blaming the alcohol could come in handy.

"Joel..." She had a mischievous look about her.

"Ellie," he answered warily.

"How 'bout just a tiny bit, to wash this down?  My glass is empty, see?"  She turned her glass upside down to demonstrate.  It wasn't actually a champagne flute, although the bride and groom, and select others, did have those.  There just weren't enough to go around.  At least the amounts served had been comparable to flute portions.  Seeing most of her tumbler empty made Ellie feel like they'd been cheated, even though she understood the geometry concept behind it. 

"You can drink somethin' else."

"There _is_ nothing else."

"At this table, maybe, but they still got the beverage thing set up over there.  I'll go get you somethin'."

"Noooooo!" she complained before he even started to get up.  "You can't leave me!"

"Well, I guess you ain't that thirsty then."

"I _am!_   You just can't _leave_ me!"

"Then get it yourself?"

"Then I'd be leaving _you!"_

"So... we go together."

"Noooo, someone'll drink your champagne!"

"Someone who ain't you."  Joel chuckled.  "I'll bring it with."

"No!" she insisted, not unlike a stubborn two-year-old... irritating, yet somehow still cute.  "Just... no.  Let me drink your glass.  Your drink."

"Maybe I'll jus' get Clicker's attention.  Bet he wouldn' mind fetchin' you somethin'."

"Ha!  He hates me."

Joel had to laugh at that.  "He does not.  Why would you say that?"

"He was making fun of my dress!  And he said my hair looked weird like this!"  She flicked at a lock of her unponytailed hair. 

"Newsflash:  that's what kids his age do when they have a crush on someone."

"Um, he should be a little old for that, actually.  Anyways, he doesn't have a crush on me anymore -- he got over it, Joel!  He did!  Didn't you see him dancing with Alyssa?  I know you did."

"That don' mean he's over it."  It would be nice if the boy did get over it, because Joel knew he didn't have a shot in hell with Ellie.

"Whatever -- all this talking is drying my mouth out even more!  And we wouldn't--" She looked a little sheepish, and Joel got the impression she'd just swallowed a naughty thought.  "Joel!  Pleeeeaaase?"

"Jesus Christ, Ellie, do you know how pathetic you're bein' right now?" he teased.  "Over a few drops of champagne?"

"That's why I neeeeed it!  So I'm not all _PATHETIC_ ," she whined.

He knew he shouldn't give in to her, but... she was so damn cute.  And she wasn't slurring her words yet.  Maybe she wasn't all that drunk.  "Fine.  Here."

"Yay!  Thank you!"  She nearly knocked the glass over when she hopped up to give Joel a hug.

"All right..." Joel hugged her for only a second before gently pushing her back over to her seat.  He hoped no one had noticed, but it wasn't really worth casting furtive glances about, trying to determine if they had.  _Just an innocent father-daughter hug, nothing to see here..._

Ellie took a big swig from his glass, and Joel put his hand on her arm.  "Hey.  Easy with that.   That's the last you're gonna get."

"Says you."

"Uh... yeah, says me, 'cause there ain't no more."

As if on cue, the champagne server gal started asking a nearby table if anyone wanted to finish off the bottle in her hand.  Ellie whipped around to find the source of this generous offer.  "Yeah!  Over here!" she called, waving madly to get her attention -- even though she'd just shouted loud enough to turn heads at tables fairly far away.

"Ellie..." Joel warned again.

It was one of the bridesmaids peddling the booze; he didn't remember the woman's name.  She approached them, smiling at Ellie.  "Girl, I think one's enough for you."

"Oh, it is," Ellie agreed, to Joel's surprise.  She sloshed the champagne in her (his) glass a little.  "I'm only halfway done.  But Joel drank all his -- see?"  She held up the empty glass for inspection.  "And he's a big dude, he needs extra!"

_I should've known_.  "I'm fine.  Really."

The woman probably noticed that the empty glass had been sitting more in front of Ellie than Joel, but if she suspected a trick, she didn't let on.  "Half a glass?" she suggested.

"Yeah, that's good!" chirped Ellie.  "Thanks, Emily!  Maybe a little more than half..."

"Half," Joel conceded.  He tried to signal 'enough' at halfway-ish, a few glugs... but Emily apparently couldn't resist finishing off the bottle, and it was probably close to a full serving after all.  After she walked away, Joel looked at Ellie sternly.  Or... tried to.  _She's too cute for her own good_.  "I'm drinkin' most of this, now.  Not you.  Got it?"

"Says you," Ellie repeated, giggling.  She raised her glass.  "Cheers!"

Joel clinked glasses with her, then took a drink, smirking at her a little as he did, making her laugh even more.  One or two glasses of champagne wouldn't affect him much.  If they were at home, and booze were available, he might be inclined to drink more (though he'd prefer something hard, like scotch).  But even after four months in civilization without incident, he hadn't gotten to the point where he was entirely comfortable around other people.  Especially people who had been drinking... and _most_ especially when he had Ellie to look out for.  He knew Ellie wasn't giving any thought at all right now to her own safety.  And he was glad: this was exactly what he'd wanted for her.  To _forget_.  To be happy and carefree... like a normal kid.

As normal as a kid could be while conducting a romantic relationship with a forty-nine-year-old, anyway (he would be fifty in a month, but until then, he was forty-nine, damnit).

She handled things with a patience and maturity beyond her years, and Joel continued to be impressed by that.  He knew all the secrecy was hard on her.  He'd seen the longing on her face during the wedding ceremony, at this reception... she wanted it to be _okay_ to be in love with him, and him with her.  And it just wasn't.  Not in anyone's eyes but their own -- and not even completely in his, some of the time.  He told himself he offset that deficit by showering her with affection... even if that was limited to behind closed doors.  Maybe it was a lie he just wanted to believe, but... Ellie _did_ seem happy with him, most of the time.  He couldn't be doing _that_ bad of a job.

Joel ended up drinking half of his half a glass, and Ellie finished the rest.  "You're so good to me," she cooed, then drained the glass, punctuating the last swallow with an adorable little hiccup.  He knew he had let her have a little too much, but they'd be going home soon, so it didn't really matter.  She smacked her lips and made an _"ahhhhh"_ noise.  "Thank you!  You're the best!"

"Kinda the opposite of that, really," Joel muttered.  Was he really no better than Max?  _No, I'm just a hypocrite, is all._  "You ready to go?"

"Go?  Go where?  The party's _here!"_

"An' it's gettin' late."

"Not really!  Look -- people are still dancing!  Dance with meeeeeee," she pleaded.

Joel sighed.  "We danced a bunch before, remember?"  A few times, maybe not a bunch.  But it should have been enough.  Hell, he'd even let her talk him into doing (well, half-ass doing) the Electric Slide, and he loathed that song.

"You wouldn't do the dirty one with me," Ellie snickered.

"Of course I wouldn't.  Silly girl."  She and Annie had tried it out, to Joel's amusement.  It didn't look all that dirty, the way they kept moving awkwardly, laughing at each other... Joel did like to see Ellie have fun as a kid.  It was pretty fucked up, really.  Sick bastard that he was, he somehow wanted to be both her father and her lover, and he couldn't reconcile the two.

Ellie stood up and took his hand, trying to pull him out of the chair.  "Come on!  It's really not that late, Joel.  They haven't even done the bouquet yet."

_Shit._  He knew Ellie wanted to catch the damn thing.  That she'd been looking forward to it.  He couldn't ask her to leave before that.  He wasn't sure they should be dancing, though...

Ellie kept tugging on his arm, and he resisted, partly just to see what she'd do.  He could tell she wasn't trying with all her might to make him stand.  She was just pulling then relaxing... there was a sort of rhythm to it.  Back and forth, to and fro... "You're weak, little girl," he teased.

"Am not!  Not weak _or_ a girl," she protested.  She tried a little harder.

"Uh, you're definitely a girl."

She giggled.  "Yeah... guess you noticed that... uuuggghhh!"  She yanked harder on his arm, which made her teeter forward harder on the return, and then somehow she was tumbling into his lap before he could stop her.  "Whoooaaa!" she cried, laughing.

He caught her, tried to bring her up and off him, but now she was the one resisting being moved -- she squirmed around and put her arms around his neck, giving him a crushing hug.  Like she was holding on for dear life.  "Don't push me off!" she said crossly.

_Did she just stage that whole thing?  Maybe she ain't that drunk after all._  "Ellie..." He tried to loosen her death grip.

"And don't 'Ellie' me!  I'm just hugging you!"

"Ssshhhh.  Is that what you're doin'?  Feels like maybe you're tryin' to choke me."

She giggled.  "Hug me as tight as you can."

He humored her with that, of course not nearly as tight as he was capable.  "You wanna dance?  Let's go dance."  People had taken notice of them, he was sure.  _Well, let them see she's a little tipsy.  She ain't the only one..._ Joel had observed plenty of the other teenagers having a glass of the (non-bubbly) bubbly as well.  It was a fucking _wedding,_ after all.  And he'd rather demonstrate that Ellie was being lovey as a side effect of her drunkenness, nothing more.  Part of him wanted to just not give two shits what anyone thought.  That was his usual method of operation -- but not where Ellie was concerned, and their relationship in particular.

"Why?  You think you're gonna get hard if I keep--"

"Ellie!  Jesus Christ," he hissed.  Thankfully, his shirt had muffled that some, where she was pressing her face as she clung to him.  "Keep your voice down.  An' get up."

She protested, but he did manage to push her off his lap while still keeping hold of her, not quite trusting her to hold herself up, even if he did suspect she might be faking the severity of her inebriation.   "Fiiiiiiiine -- let's go dance!" she said... more excitedly than irritably.

"Hey."  He resisted as she tried to tug him toward the dancing, turning her around and putting his hands on her shoulders, looking her in the eye.  "I need you to tone it down a little, all right?  Remember... where we are."

"Not home.  Right.  I got it!  Come on!"

They headed for the dance floor, hand in hand, and Joel was glad to see she wasn't walking erratically.  He felt a little bad thinking she might be playing him a little, but... _She knows damn well she has me wrapped around her little finger, and she's too resourceful not to use that_.  He just wasn't sure why she would want him to think she was drunker than she was.  It could very well be his imagination.  How would Ellie even know enough about how drunk people acted to pull it off?  From movies?  From her own experience that one time?

There were still plenty of people dancing, although the DJ was taking a break and had left the stereo shuffling between five CDs.  Ellie called out greetings to everyone she knew along the way, which was pretty much everyone.  One teenage girl came over and hugged her; she seemed a little tipsy herself.  Joel felt a little better about his own bad parenting... then reminded himself he wasn't Ellie's parent anyway.  Ellie had let go of his hand, and he started to back away, hoping she'd move over to the throng of young people and get the dancing out of her system that way.  One of the young ladies had gone over to the stereo to skip around until she found the desired track: the Cyndi Lauper classic, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."  He knew Ellie was familiar with the CD, and he watched her face light up when she recognized the beginning of the song.  She did look over at Joel, but he told her that this one was obviously for girls so she should just go ahead.  The huggy girl took her hand, and Ellie bounced off with her to where her peers had gathered.  The song was a cue to all the guys to exit the floor and leave it to the ladies.

Joel stood nearby, watching Ellie dance like the goofball she could be at times... she looked so happy, and she was a joy to behold.  He hoped that the dancing might make her sick enough to puke some of the alcohol out of her system, and thus, lessen the severity of a hangover, maybe even avoid one altogether.  Even though it was for her own good, the thought still made him feel a little guilty.  Maybe she could have a little more fun first... 

He could almost pretend it was olden times, and that was rare in an assembly of so many people.  The wedding stuff itself didn't make him feel nostalgic for any particular time in the past (certainly not his own pathetic excuse of a marriage).  He knew it was bittersweet for some folks.  Not just weddings, but parties in general... or any social event, really... hell, he hadn't even wanted to watch movies when they'd first come to town.  For Ellie, they were pure fantasy -- not the fantasy genre, but _any_ movie that depicted the world as it once was, so different from today's.  For him... he had no desire to be reminded of what he'd lost.  _Yes, all of this shit is bittersweet.... bitter the_ this-is-what-was-taken-from-me _, and sweet the_ with-this-I-can-almost-take-it-back _._   Almost.  And without Ellie, the sweet wouldn't even come close to cutting it... to making up for the losses.  Nothing would ever make up for losing Sarah, of course.  That wasn't the sort of pain you could feel for a while and then be done with it -- no, he carried that knife around in his heart every day, and would until the day he died.  But Ellie had dulled those edges some... had made life worth living again.  She _was_ his life now.

In his peripheral vision, Joel saw Sophie approaching him, but he pretended that he didn't until she was right next to him, willing her to just walk on by.

She didn't heed that mental wish.  "Someone's been hitting the champagne a little, huh?" she remarked, looking in Ellie's direction.

Joel chuckled.  "You come over here to lecture me?"

"No, no... she's having fun... not getting into trouble... you're keeping an eye on her..."

"Right.  She's been through a lot.  Deserves to have a little fun."

"She's not the only one."  The song ended, and the CD switched to another Cyndi Lauper track.  Sophie cocked her head towards the dance floor.  "You wanna...?"

Joel shook his head.  "No thanks.  Jus' gonna keep lookin' out for Ellie.  How come you didn' go out there with the other girls?"

"For one thing, I hate that song," she said with a laugh.  "This one's not so bad.  But..."  She shrugged.  "Not into the girlfriends thing, I guess."

He could've asked her about the bathroom thing with Ellie, but he didn't.  It _was_ mostly younger girls out there dancing now.  "Mm.  Think I saw you dancin' with... what's-his-name, earlier..." Joel let that trail off, hoping she'd start gushing about the guy -- whichever one she preferred, if there was more than one.  Then he could reassure Ellie that the woman wasn't holding a candle for him -- and it wouldn't even be bullshit.

All she said was, "Yeah.  He's nice." 

Some of the guys had started to return to the floor.  Ellie turned around and scanned the outskirts of the floor like she didn't remember where she'd left Joel, and when her eyes landed on him, she made a beeline his way, looking annoyed.

"Heyyyy!" she said as she rushed over to him, and he had to catch her by the arms to keep her from ramming right into him.  "What're you doing?!"  There was an accusatory tone in her voice, like he'd done something wrong.  Before he could even answer, she turned to Sophie.  "And you!  Just cuz we... just cuz... you keep your hands off of him -- he's _mine!"_ With that, she lunged at him, her arms snaking around his midsection instead of his neck this time.

Joel allowed her to hug him, and just patted her back with one hand.  "Ellie, for chrissakes--"

Sophie seemed amused.  "I know that, sweetie.  Hands are off!"  She held up her hands as if surrendering.

"You ready to go home, kiddo?"  He tried to pull away from the hug, but...

She kept her arms around him.  "No!  Bouqueeeeeeet, remember?  I gotta catch the fucking thing."

"I see you've got your hands full with that one," Sophie said to Joel with a smirk.  "Catch ya later."

Joel thought Ellie might get a little pissy about that comment, but she didn't.  She lifted her head to look at him, not even stepping back like she normally would have -- should have, in public.  She was just smushing herself into him.  She grinned.  "Yep, you've got your hands full of me!  No room for anyone else!  Just Ellie!"

He tried to pry her arms off and step back a little, but he couldn't do it without being a little more forceful than he'd like.  "Calm down, all right?  And shush.  People are lookin'."

"Oh, let 'em look!  We're not doing anything bad!" she cried, loud as ever.

Joel's patience was wearing a little thin, yet still he couldn't help thinking she was adorable -- in more of a fatherly way than a loverly way, he supposed because of the way she was behaving.  He kept trying to extricate himself from her embrace, and she giggled, no doubt thinking it was like one of their play-fighting games that he let her win.

"We should give 'em something to look at," she cooed -- softly, thank God.

"No, we shouldn't, an' you know it."

"Aww, you're no fun."  She'd said that to him earlier as well... after making some outrageous suggestion that she must have known would be a no.  A hell no, even.

She'd attracted the attention of Tommy and Maria.  The pair strolled up to them, Maria smirking and Tommy... judging, most likely.  "How much did she drink?" Tommy asked him.  "Kids -- the teens, anyway -- were only s'posed to get like half a glass."

Joel stopped trying to break free, and Ellie giggled some more.  "I'm right here, ya know," she told Tommy.  "You can ask _me._   I drank... mooooore than half a glass.  But only a little!"

"She's had... a little bit more than that, yeah.  It's all right, I'm gonna take her h--"

"Noooo!" Ellie wailed.  She hadn't loosened her grip on Joel at all.  "Not until I catch the motherfucking bouquet!  God, why can't you fucking _remember_ that?"

"That should be soon," said Maria.  "They're doing a garter toss, too."

"Garter toss?"  Ellie looked puzzled.  "Isn't that like underwear?!"

Maria laughed.  "Not exactly -- it's just like a... little elastic thing."

"It's like a bouquet toss but for the guys," Tommy explained.

"Oooo," Ellie cooed.  "So Joel can catch that when I catch the bouquet!  Perfect!"

Tommy and Maria both shot Joel a sympathetic, knowing look.  Like _"poor Joel, he has to deal with this teenage girl having a big ol' crush on him."_   He hoped Ellie didn't notice.  Still, like he always said to himself (and to Ellie), it was better than the alternative.  "I ain't catchin' nothin'.  Sorry."

Of course, Ellie was disappointed to hear that.  "You're not even gonna tryyyyy?"

Maria looked at Ellie.  "If he did catch it, he'd have to put it on the leg of the woman who catches the bouquet."

"Babe, if she thinks--" Tommy began to say something, but Maria shushed him and turned back to Ellie. 

"I don't think that'll be you, unless you sober up real quick," she said.  "Trin's probably gonna aim for one of her friends, anyway.  Even if she didn't, alcohol slows your reflexes, you know.  And... it kinda looks like you can't even stand up on your own right now?"

"Pffffffff.  Can too."  She proved it by finally letting go of Joel.  To her credit, she did stand there just fine.  Joel wondered yet again if she was faking it, and just how much of a show she was putting on... and _why._   "Seeeee?" she trilled.

Joel would have liked to let her stay for the toss since she'd never participated in it before, but if by some miracle she did catch the goddamn thing, he wasn't going to let some perv fondle her bare leg -- nor did he want to be the perv doing it in front of a hooting-and-hollering crowd.  "The garter thing... it's a stupid tradition, Ellie.  We don' wanna do that.  C'mon, let's jus' go home."

"Ellie, why don' you come stay at our house tonight?" Tommy offered.

_What the fuck?_   Joel glared at his brother.  "Why do you want her at your house?"

"Why not?  It'll be fun.  Her an' Maria can do... girls' night stuff."

" 'Why not?' "  Joel scowled.  "Well, maybe 'cause she don' need to--"

"Wait!" Ellie exclaimed.  She stood next to Joel with her arm around him, and Joel's arm automatically hugged her to his side.  "Can Joel come, too?"

_Right, because my brother won't mind us sharing a bed under his roof.  Not at all!_   And that was where they'd end up, one way or another.  Joel snorted.  "No, Joel can't come," he answered for Tommy.  "Joel's goin' to his own house, an' you're comin' with."

"We thought it might be easier for everyone, if..." Maria glanced at Tommy.

Joel didn't like where this was headed.  Maybe it was Maria's idea too, but it was Tommy he glared at.  "You think I can't handle things, little brother?  Is that it?"

Tommy jutted his chin out a little.  "I think you haven't necessarily handled 'em all that well so far, no."

"What the hell are you talkin' about?  'Cause I let her drink a little champagne at a--"

"I ain't talkin' 'bout that.  I mean... in general.  I don' see that things are changin'.  Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong," he replied.  Of course he said it.  Tommy made it too easy.  He hoped Ellie's perceptions were dulled enough that she didn't pick up on what his brother was really getting at.  She might not know exactly, but she could wonder just how much Tommy knew about the nature of their relationship...

"Joel, maybe..." Maria began.  Paused.  Exchanged another _Look_ with Tommy.  "If she could maybe just come stay with us for a while, until... some time goes by..."

Time for her to get over her 'crush.'  Sure.  That would happen.  _I don't need to argue, though -- there's an easy solution to this._   "Well, I'll leave that up to Ellie.  Always _has_ been up to her."

Tommy frowned.  "Joel--"

"I don' wanna hear it, Tommy.  Ellie, you wanna come home with me now, or you wanna stay here with Tommy an' Maria, an' go home with them later?"

"Home with you," she replied.  He heard a 'duh' in her tone.

"Come on, then."  He turned her in the right direction.

"Can I go say bye to Annie first?  And Karen?  And--"

"Tommy will say goodbye for you."  Joel was really itching to leave now.

"We'll talk about this tomorrow, Joel," said Tommy.  It sounded like a threat.  Joel didn't dignify it with a response.  Tommy could yak at him until he was blue in the face and it wouldn't change anything... and it wouldn't prove anything, either.  It would only irritate Joel further.

He was a little surprised that Ellie didn't object when he took her hand instead of keeping his arm around her waist.  She still had no trouble walking.

"What was that all about?" she inquired.  At least she'd waited until they were away from the masses.  The crowd had thinned out some by now, but being in just one person's earshot was one person too many.

"Nothin'."

"Joooeeelllll!"

"Nothin' you need to worry about," he amended.

"Why do they want me to stay with them?" she asked him anyway.

"I said, it's nothin' you need to worry about.  All right?  Trust me."  He knew she did trust him.. _.  And I don't know what the hell I'm doing, which is part of the problem._

"Did I do something wrong?  Did I say something--"

"You were fine."  Mostly...  "A little loud sometimes.  But I'll feel better when you're home so you can say whatever the hell you want an' not have to think about it."

Ellie snickered.  "You mean like -- 'hey, I gotta idea!  Let's have s--' "

Joel clamped his hand over her mouth immediately.  "Ellie!  Yes.  Like that."  He let her push his hand away, but he kept it poised to return to position if needed.

She giggled.  "You know, I'm not even drunk.  See how good I'm talking?  Remember last time, I couldn't even say some words, and you said I sounded funny, and you carried me... and Max thought..." She cracked up completely for a few moments before finishing that one.  "He thought the total opposite thing.  Like, as if you would even... ha!  And all I wanted was for you to--"

He covered her mouth again before she could get to the part where he'd undressed her drunk ass and put her to bed.  "I've got an idea, too.  Why don' you jus' keep your thoughts to yourself 'til we get home, yeah?"

"Mmmfff!"

"What's that?" he asked innocently.  _I can play, too..._

"MMMMFF SHMTTTHHH MMMT!" she articulated into his hand, still giggling.

"What?  Ohhh, that's right.  You don' know how to be quiet.  Well, see, it's like this:  you don' move your mouth at all.  Not your lips, or your tongue, or your... vocal cords.  None of that.  You jus' _be quiet_."

She giggled and squirmed, tried to duck away from his hand, half-heartedly tried to push him away.  Then she licked his hand, but even that didn't make him let go this time.  She made a muffled noise that sounded kind of like _"okaayyyy!"_

"If I let go, are you gonna be quiet?"

"YSSHH!"

He slowly eased his hand away, and she grinned.  "What about whispering?  Can I do that?" she asked in a stage whisper.

"No."

"Awww, c'mon..."

Amazingly, they made it home without her announcing to the town in some way that she lived with a child-toucher.  She said she wanted to do the key, and Joel couldn't resist letting her search the yard a little while he followed her path with his little pocket flashlight.  She went to the correct spot, but when it wasn't there, she went to the previous spot, as if doubting her own memory.  "Fuck!  Where is it?  You fucking changed the spot again without telling me!" she accused him.

"No I didn't.  I always tell you.  You're the one who ain't allowed to change the spot 'cause you forget to--"

"Yeah yeah, whatever.  Where the _fuck_ did it... Joel!  Someone took it!  Someone figured it out and _stole_ it!  Man, I always thought you were paranoid about that shit, but really--"

"Ellie." 

She was pacing now instead of searching.  "Who the fuck would want to-- unless they want our guns and shit?  Oh man -- maybe it's someone who like--"

"Ellie!"  He waited for her to look at him, then he held up the key and shone the light on it.  "We left together.  Remember?"

"Fuck!  It was in your pants the whole time?  You dick!  Gimme that thing--" He didn't put up a fight, although she seemed to want him to.  "You just wanted me to reach down your pants and grab it, huh!"

"Sshhh... jus' go inside, will you?  Shit."  At least she hadn't said it very loudly, and they lived far away from everyone else -- a fact Joel was increasingly grateful for.

He heard her complaining to herself about how he wouldn't _let_ her reach down his pants and grab it, but he let that slide.  With any luck, she'd pass out pretty soon.

She didn't even turn any lights on when they got inside.  As soon as Joel entered, she pushed him against the door, slamming it behind him, and she pressed her body to his, her hands crawling up his chest to his face, pulling it to hers for a kiss.  "Ellie..." he protested feebly.  _I'm in father mode.  I should STAY in father mode, goddamnit..._

"I've wanted to kiss you allll niiight," she moaned theatrically.  "See how good I was?"

He tried not to kiss her back... much.  "You were an angel.  But now you really jus' need to get to bed."

"I agree!" she said brightly.  "You can undress me for real this time!  Like can you get this sweater off me?  It's warm in here..."

Joel obliged, grateful that the lights were off so he'd have less of her freckle-dusted skin to be tempted by. _If I could just not TOUCH it, now..._ Easier said than done; the skin on her shoulders was smooth and soft, and utterly touchable.  Even though they'd messed around a handful of times already, her drun-- _tipsiness_ made him feel like he was taking advantage of her.

She started walking them backwards in the general direction of the bedroom.  Slowly, as she wasn't the most adept at multi-tasking and she kept sidetracking herself with more kiss attempts -- attempts he resisted, albeit half-assedly.  "It's okay, Joel, we're home now," Ellie pointed out helpfully.

"Thank you for lettin' me know," he teased.

"Well, you can... kiss me and stuff," she said as if he needed the explanation, sounding rather like she was speaking to a small child. 

"You're drunk."

"I'm not!  I swear!  Not like--" She interrupted herself with a giggle.  "So, that night -- did you wanna take my underwear off?"

He kissed her forehead.  "No." Maybe he had, a little.  The thought had certainly crossed his mind... just idly, not as a possible course of action.

"Really?  Not even a little bit?"

"No."  He chuckled.  "You're disappointed?  I was a perfect gentleman that night.  You were all fucked up."

She banged into the wall.  "Oww!"

Joel laughed.  "If you'd let me turn on a light..."

"That's cheating!"

"Why don' you go to the bathroom first.  C'mon."  He turned and reached out to feel the way along the wall.  "You feel sick at all?"

"Nope!"

She let him guide her into the bathroom, and she cringed when he switched on the light, like it was blinding her.  "Drink a couple glasses of water now," he suggested.  A couple, since the glass on the sink in there was pretty small.

"You want me to wet the bed?" she replied, punctuated with a little giggle.

"Better that than feelin' hungover tomorrow.  It helps.  I'll go lock up an' then I'll be waitin' for you, all right?"

"Okay.  Don't you dare fall asleep!  I have big plans for us!"

Joel sighed, but he couldn't help smiling a little.  "The big plan is for you to go to sleep."

He was trying to leave her in there, but she didn't want to let him go.  "That's boring!  I'm not even tired!" she protested.

_Why did I let her have all that sugar, too?_   Again, he felt mildly disturbed by how fucked up it was that he could think of Ellie as a young child one minute and a young woman the next.  He was going to have to keep reminding himself of child-Ellie, now.  Her behavior made that not so difficult...

...to a point.  When she started kissing him again --- more insistently, more aggressively than she usually did... parting his lips with her tongue... pressing her body against his like she meant business... _Shit.  What am I gonna do with you, girl?_


	17. Beauty and the Beast

Joel was indeed waiting for her on the bed, sitting up with his back against the wall... wearing too much clothing -- and _not_ his dress clothes. _I should have made him keep those on so I could undress him!_  He was already clad in his sleep attire of tank top and pajama pants.  Ellie pouted.  "Joel, why are you wearing all that?"

"This?  It's hardly 'all that.'  Did you drink some water?"

"Uh-huh."  She kicked her shoes off, sending them skidding across the floor.

"Two glasses?"

"Yep."  More like one and a half.

"Good.  C'mere, I got your nightgown..."

She crawled across the bed to him and gave him a kiss.  "So you _are_ gonna undress me, right?"

"If you want me to."

"Of course I do."  As if she ever wouldn't!  She climbed into his lap, straddling him and posing his arms the way she wanted them -- namely, around her body.  "I'm gonna sleep naked," she announced.

"Oh no you ain't."  He tugged on one of the dress straps and kissed her shoulder.  "You're gonna let me put your nightgown on like a good girl." 

That made her giggle.  _Only bad girls sleep naked?_  "I'm not a good girl, Daddy, I'm--"

He cut her off with a groan.  "Don' call me that."

"What?  You sounded like a dad right there!"  She couldn't help feeling defensive.  Not like she'd ever _had_ a dad or anything, but she'd observed a fair amount of them...

Joel sighed and leaned back, dropping his arms to his sides.  Looking away... at something she couldn't see.  "Ellie..."

"Sorry sorry sorry -- I didn't mean it.  Sorry!"  _Fuck, why am I such an idiot?!_   Joel had said her age was the main reason he wouldn't have sex with her, but she knew the dad thing was a big issue for him, too, and she was just making it worse.  "Don't listen to me, I'm just a stupid drunk asshole."  She didn't feel as buzzy as she had a little while ago, but if alcohol made people say stupid things, she would happily blame it for any mistakes she made (and wasn't that part of the fun of drinking it in the first place?).  She tried to turn his face towards hers and give him a kiss... but he wouldn't let her.

Which kind of made her want to cry.  She knew that Joel would only be momentarily annoyed... she _knew_ this, logically.  Even so, something inside her was screaming, _"You stupid bitch, you just fucked up for the last time and you've lost him -- he's all grossed out by you now!"_  

"I'm sorry, Joel, don't be mad, please," she pleaded, planting desperate little kisses along his jaw since he wouldn't look at her.  He didn't push her away when she kissed her way over to his lips, at least.  "I'm sorry," she repeated yet again, knowing that she risked overdoing it and being annoying -- she was annoying _herself_ , for fuck's sake -- but she couldn't seem to just... stop.  "Okay?  Please be okay... I love you..."

He sighed again.  Turned and cupped her cheek in one hand.  "It's all right, baby girl.  I love you, too."

She leaned into his hand and closed her eyes, feeling the relief wash over her.  "Oh thank God.  I thought I just ruined everything."  _Fuck --_ her voice was even trembling.  _SO not-sexy, Ellie..._

She felt his other hand start to caress her hair.  "You could never do that.  Not jus' by sayin' somethin' I don' like.  You worry too much."  His lips brushed hers.

"Okay," she breathed.  She opened her eyes... and saw that he looked a little worried himself.

"Don' cry, baby girl."

_Why do I have tears in my eyes?_   She was _not_ going to cry over something so stupid.  "I'm not crying."  She kissed him again... not the big sloppy kiss she'd planted on him when they first got home, but a slower, sweeter, more loving kind.  "Joel... I reeeeally love you," she informed him between kisses.

He smiled a little.  "I know you do."

"No, but _really_.  Like, a lot."  She pulled back a little so she could see him better.  "I don't think you even get it... how much."

"I get it," he assured her.  The expression on his face now was _so_ much nicer than it had been a minute ago.

"All I wanna do is say and do things that make you happy."

"Mm.  It's good to have goals," he teased, nudging the other strap off her shoulder with kisses.

She smiled.  "Yep!  That is my purpose in life.  It's not--" This time she caught herself before saying another dumb thing, like bringing up the way he'd forced her to abandon her crusade to save humanity.  _Man, what a mood-killer I am!_   "... it's not anything except making sure you're... loved, and... um... happy..."  His lips on her skin were a little distracting.

"You're doin' a good job of... meetin' those goals, then."  He trailed little kisses over her collarbone and up her neck, and ran his hands all over her back, both the bare upper part and the lower part still covered by the dress.  "But all I'm doin' tonight is puttin' you to bed.  Does this thing..."  He felt the middle of her back where the dress met her skin.  There was no zipper, no buttons or anything... but Ellie wasn't about to give him any hints on the best way to get the thing off of her.  If they were just going to go to sleep, she wanted it to take as long as possible to get there.

"We're already _in_ bed," she pointed out, "and I told you before -- I'm not tired!"

"Thought you might've got tired by now," he said, gathering up her skirt in his hands.

"In like five minutes?  Nope."  He wasn't really acting like he was only interested in 'putting her to bed.'  For one giddy moment, she thought he might have been snaking his hand down to her underwear, but then she realized he was just trying to lift the dress.  She obligingly raised her arms to help him as he pulled it up over her head.  The light was on, and she still felt a little shy about being topless with him since they were usually in the dark, or near-dark.  Even on that morning she didn't have the farm and they could wake up together, she'd been wearing her nightshirt, and she hadn't gotten dressed in front of him.  _Don't blush don't blush don't blush..._

"Hmm.  Wondered if you had a bra on under there or not," he mumbled as he tossed the dress aside.

"Really?  Like, were you looking and trying to see if you could tell?"

"No." 

She wondered if that was a little white lie.  "Maybe I would've worn one if I didn't have to stick the straps somewhere.  Or if I had one of those... ones without straps."  Of the two bras she had, she preferred the one she used at the farm -- which was supposed to be for athletes or something, judging by its name? -- but it wasn't sexy.  Not a 'Joel' bra.  She snorted.  "Not like I really need one at all, ever."

He brought his hands around her sides and up a little to cup her breasts, making her shiver.  "Sure you do.  You kiddin' me?  These'd be floppin' all over the place in a normal shirt."

"As if!" she scoffed (and hanging around the other teens tended to bring out her _Clueless_ vocabulary) -- "But... you like them, and that's all that matters.  Right?"

"Absolutely."  His hands returned to her back and he pulled her closer for a kiss.  "It ain't jus' my opinion, you know.  You _are_ beautiful, exactly the way you are.  Don' forget it."

She ducked her head, embarrassed.  Joel may not have been the most romantic, mushy guy out there... or, like, not even in the top hundred on the scale of mushiness... but one thing he was really good at was making her feel pretty.  He never said anything that made her feel like there was anything wrong with her body... like it was anything less than the most beautiful one he'd ever seen.  She sometimes tried to return the favor, but Joel was even less graceful with compliments than she was, and he would deflect with humor, saying things like he was like the beast to her beauty.  He didn't seem to be shy or self-conscious about anything, though.  Even when she was scrutinizing his dick that first night.  She hadn't even considered how unnerving that must have been for him (until it occurred to her the next day).  If he'd just been _staring_ at her like that, like what he was seeing was so completely bizarre that he couldn't help himself, she didn't think she could stand it.

She'd wondered if maybe that had somehow put him off the idea of her touching him there, that maybe she hadn't acted the way she was supposed to act -- and no matter how many times Joel tried to tell her there was no 'supposed' to, she fucking _knew_ there was a right and a wrong way to do things.  Like jokingly calling him 'daddy,' for example.  Clearly the wrong thing to say!

He had her nightgown in his hands now -- the long, flannel one.  "Noooooo, it's your turn to go topless," she cooed as she tried to lift up his tank top.

He chuckled -- and didn't cooperate with her lifting.  "I'm sleepin' in this."

"Why??  You haven't for like, days."

"Jus' for tonight."

"Why?" she repeated, eying him suspiciously.

"Jus' 'cause."

"That's not a reason!"

"Sure it is."

She studied his face, as if that might give her some indication of which way the wheels in his brain were spinning.  He just looked mildly amused.  "You think I'm going to rape you," she decided.

"What?  Ha!  No."

"Well, I'm not going to."

"I know that, thank you."

_Then why can't you sleep almost-naked like you've been doing for days?_  Ellie kept staring.  "I don't think so.  I think you're sorta scared of me."

"Baby girl, you wouldn' even know how," Joel said... sounding quite smug.

She grinned.  "Is that a challenge?  Cuz... I mean... I get the concept.  I could figure it out.  Part A goes into Slot B..."

Joel laughed.  "You readin' an instruction manual?  We still got those layin' around somewhere?"

"The library has papers with diagrams and stuff, yeah... _not_ sex books," she clarified -- although she didn't really know that for sure.  She'd never seen any, but like the sex articles in the magazines she'd read, she suspected that was because people had stolen them long ago.

"Good.  I don' want you readin' those."  His arms were around her again, holding her snugly, one hand playing with her hair.  The nightgown hadn't yet been abandoned, though; she felt it draped over his arm.  "I wanna teach you myself," Joel added.  "Someday."

She liked it when he said stuff like that.  When he sounded like he wasn't disgusted by the idea, like there was something _wrong_ with the way they loved each other.  "My slot is ready for your part whenever you are," she said, and she'd meant to say it sexily, but she barely even got the last word out before she had to laugh, and Joel laughed with her.

He also gave her a kiss.  "You're really cute."

"Cute -- and sexy," she added hopefully.  "Right?"

"Yep.  Too sexy for the old man.  Now c'mon, let's get your gown on."

"What's the rush?  You like looking at me, right?  You think I'm pretty?"

"Mmhmm."

"So... I'm good.  Like this."  She shifted around a little, making it look like she was trying to get more comfortable, but the whole time she'd been straddling him, she hadn't felt anything stiff down there, and she was a little concerned.  She had to just have the wrong angle or something... yet still, she couldn't feel anything.

"You sure you're good?" He chuckled at the way she was moving around.

"Yeah, just..."  She feigned having an itch on the back of her thigh.  She scratched a little and then tried to get settled again.  Joel started running his fingers all over her back, her butt, her legs, not scratching but letting her feel his nails.

She giggled.  "Thanks for that."  _I'm fucking sitting in your lap in my underwear, with no shirt on!  If I'm so sexy, why the fuck aren't you hard, Joel???_ She couldn't ask him that, because maybe she didn't want to know the answer.  She just had to remedy the situation.  Like, just shut the fuck up and kiss the man already.

And she did, without further preamble.  Enough with the sweet little tender ones.  She opened her mouth wider, pressing her tongue through his lips when he parted them, sliding her hands up beneath his shirt.  "Just the top?" she asked as she tugged it up.  "So we're both topless?"

"All right..."  He started to lift it up himself, but she swatted his hands away so she could do it.  She loved feeling his skin against hers, warm and... well, she didn't really know why she preferred it that way, other than the comforting warmth.  It just felt _better_.  Like they were somehow closer, even though they really weren't.

She resumed kissing him, pressing her torso to his.  Joel had said that he loved hearing the noises she made when she was aroused... that it turned him on.  She made some 'mmmm' sounds, kissing him deeper.  "Joel... mmm... want you..."

"...Want me to what?" he whispered huskily.  He was starting to respond to her now.  Hopefully he'd abandoned that putting-her-to-bed bullshit.

"Just want you," she replied, kissing him passionately, thoroughly... totally chickening out of saying what she really wanted.  Not that what she'd said was a lie, of course!  She was definitely feeling that yearning... the desire for his touch in her naughty places.  But she couldn't say what it was that she wanted even more than that, as it sometimes led to an argument, or killed the mood:  _I want you to let me touch you... make YOU feel good for once..._ It wasn't a physical need; it was more like an emotional one.  After that, she'd totally let him touch her, if he wanted to.  According to that one article, she'd have about five minutes before he fell asleep, but that would be enough time if he skipped all the teasing.  _Then I wouldn't feel guilty after, like I'm taking advantage of him... we'd be like any other two people who love each other: equals!_

Ellie didn't have the same instincts Joel did about all the sex stuff, but he seemed to be pretty into the kissing, and he _had_ let her take off his top... had given up the idea of just going right to sleep... it felt like a good time to test the waters a little.  Maybe _this time_ he wouldn't freak out if she--

Nope.  He flinched, and pulled her hand up when it barely even grazed his pants.  "No, baby girl," he said, as if she hadn't already deduced as much from his reaction.  But at least he kissed her; before she could even apologize, he was kissing her again. 

She was sure she'd felt a budding erection when suddenly he flipped them around, pushing her down crosswise on the bed -- probably so he wouldn't be slamming her head into the wall (so kind of him!) -- and climbing on top of her, hovering over her like he was about to start a set of push-ups or something.  She tried to pull him more squarely on top of her.  He kept kissing her... hard, dizzying kisses... _so his face is good, but the rest of him is so far away_ \--

He slid down a little, kissing and sucking on her neck, massaging a breast with his hand, and _then_ he eased himself down to lay fully on top of her.  _Oh, I get it..._ he was avoiding crotch alignment, although they weren't even naked.  He didn't usually bother to do that when he had his pants on, even just his pajama pants.  He could be so fucking _cute_ sometimes.  She coiled her legs around him.  "Joel, it's okay... you're wearing your pants and everything..."  And she was still wearing her underwear, although Joel considered that a rather flimsy barrier.

"I know..." He kissed down to her other breast.

Ellie arched her back a little, essentially pushing her nipple into his mouth.  A tingle of pleasure rippled down to her toes; the things he made her feel were even better than the champagne.  Better than the _best_ part of the champagne buzz, hours earlier.  "Mmmmm... I mean... it's not like you're gonna accidentally sneak it in..."

He lifted his head to smile at her, and _fuck_ , was that ever a wicked-sexy smile right there... her stomach did a little somersault (and he wasn't even doing anything just then!). "I know!" he repeated with a little chuckle.

"Not that I'd mind if you did," she couldn't resist adding.

"Maybe _I_ would mind," he murmured, moving back up to kiss her on the mouth again.  She noticed that he was squishing her up in such a way that he wasn't pressing his groin against her, that her legs were too high up.  He always seemed to be more comfortable that way.

It was all a bit mystifying to Ellie.  She didn't know what he was so afraid of.  In general, really, but here specifically... she already knew that he was getting hard -- that that's what happened when they messed around -- so it wasn't like he was sparing her innocence or whatever.  He knew she liked feeling it, that she liked having that effect on him, yet it didn't seem to matter.  It seemed more like... like he was scared that if he got too excited, he was just going to forget everything and fuck her, because he couldn't help himself?  She'd gotten that impression from things he'd said before.  But he never 'forgot everything' -- she wished he would, sometimes.  It seemed to be a combination of those things, the innocence and the forgetting, and no matter what she said or did, Ellie couldn't seem to get through to him that _it was okay_ to be aroused in her presence.  She was his fucking _girlfriend_... or, girlfriend-equivalent, anyway.

She tried to cheat a little by sliding her hips down as she kissed him... and when she managed to line up her crotch with his, she pressed her body as close to his as she could, hugging him with every appendage.  Joel groaned -- well, more like grunted -- and buried his face in her neck.  He was absolutely still for a moment.  "What?" she said innocently, as if she didn't know that that particular vocalization meant he was near his breaking point.

"You.  That's what."  He kept his face there.

She giggled softly, and squirmed a little, but he was like dead weight now.  "What do you mean, me?"

"You're too goddamn sexy," he mumbled, lifting his head a little so that his breath and beard tickled her ear.

"Am not," she said happily.  "Mmm..."  He was making it hard for her to keep grinding into him.  "Joel... it's okay... you can, um..."  She let her hand drift down to his ass.  He didn't seem to mind if she touched it briefly, as long as she didn't let her hand wander around front.  She didn't know if he _liked_ it when she touched him there (and she was afraid to ask), but he didn't stop her.  And she wasn't trying to molest him now; she was just trying to... do something to make him push against her.  Like they were having make-believe sex.  That was so fun!  "Kiss me," she tried.

And he did, a little slower than before, but still deeply... and he moved a little... then he did start to grind against her.  _Yes!_   She moaned encouragement into his mouth, and kept her hand on his ass to help push him against her until he groaned again. 

"Ellie... you're drivin' me crazy, girl."

Ellie grinned, always pleased to hear that.  "So let's just do it," she suggested.

"No," he said immediately. 

_Damn!_  Not that she was surprised.  "So... let me touch you," she whispered.  " _Please_ , Joel..."

He may have hesitated a moment longer there, but the answer was still, "No."

She bit back the 'why not?' that bubbled up to her tongue.  "Joel... I _want_ to... I love you."  _Isn't that reason enough?_

But the man could be so fucking stubborn when he wanted to be.  His lips were warm on her throat, her chest... he slid down too far, and she couldn't reach his ass anymore.  His hand slithered down to her thigh as his lips reached her nipple.  "Hey... don't distract me," she warned, moaning softly.  She felt his fingers brush over her panties... _he always starts by teasing..._

"Stop," she protested weakly.  "It's not fair!"

He glanced up at her.  "Life ain't fair.  You know that."

"Fuck you... mmm..."

He chuckled, and resumed kissing her body... her stomach, now.  His teasing fingers plucked at her underwear... and then he actually sat up on his knees, pulling her legs up so they were sticking straight up in the air, his head nestled between her ankles.  She was about to ask what he was doing when he hooked his thumbs in her panties and asked her, "Mind if I take these off?  Is that okay?"

_Progress!_  He was the one who always wanted that _flimsy barrier_ in place.  Trying to stifle a self-conscious giggle, she smiled.  "Of course!"  But when he started slowly sliding them down -- or, actually, _up_ , since her legs were in the air -- she stopped him.  "Wait... can you turn the light off?  It's... really bright in here..."  She'd really liked the candlelight, that first night, but she understood they couldn't waste candles all the time.  What they needed (and kept forgetting to try to obtain) was a night light.  Or an alarm with digits a little brighter than the dull red that they had.

They were close enough to the lamp that he could lean over and reach it without squishing her up too much... just enough to make her giggle a little.  It was pitch black as soon as he switched it off.  Her eyes would adjust, but with the curtains drawn, even the moonlight wouldn't illuminate much.  He slowly slid her underwear all the way off, and Ellie didn't know what became of them after that since it was so fucking dark.  She let her legs fall back to rest on either side of him -- on the bed, not in the air.  He leaned down and kissed a path up to her mouth... probably because he couldn't see anything either, and had to find it by feel.  "You okay?" he murmured against her lips.

She was more than okay -- she was ecstatic that _he_ was okay with her being all-the-way naked with him, finally.  "Uh-huh... but, I still wish you'd let me--"

"Sssshhh..."  He shut her up with another kiss, and she wrapped herself around him again.  His hand came to rest on her inner thigh.

_I really shouldn't let him... but... it feels SO fucking amazing... it's like I can't NOT... guhhh!_ He trailed kisses down her neck and throat, her chest, lingering over each breast... his fingers still weren't exactly touching her sex yet, just all around the area.  He kissed her stomach, her belly button...

...then even lower than her belly button....

...and it dawned on her where he was headed.  She couldn't let him do that!  She wasn't _that_ selfish.  "Joel!  No!  You can't!" she cried. 

He'd gotten as far as her pubic hair.  "What?  'Course I can..."  He sounded amused... and like he was about to ignore her 'no.'  She knew his lips and tongue worked magic every place they touched, and she could only imagine how amazing they'd feel _there_ , but she just... _couldn't_.

"No!  Don't!"  She scrambled to sit up, forgetting that she was so close to the edge.  Nearly fell off the bed in her effort to move away from him.

"Ellie... what... ?"  Joel crawled toward her. 

She backed up to the head of the bed -- the wall -- and curled her legs beneath her, turning her back to him.  "I don't want you to do that!"

"Okay... Okay.  Jus'... lemme turn the..."

"No -- don't turn the light back on.  Please?"

"I jus' wanna talk to you."

"So talk.  We don't need light."

He didn't argue.  Ellie wasn't sure why she didn't want him to see her face.  She wasn't going to _cry_ , for fuck's sake.  ...was she?  _Fucking champagne!_ It _had_ to be the champagne.  If it intensified the happy emotions, the flip side of that was that it would intensify the shitty ones, too.

"What's wrong, baby girl?"

"You know what's wrong."

He was sitting right beside her now.  "C'mere..."

"No!"

"I jus' wanna hold you..."

She was mad at him, and being in his arms would make it hard to stay mad.  She knew she shouldn't be angry, but... she just was.  "No," she repeated.  "No... even though I'm so fucking tired of that word."  She didn't move away from his hand on her back, though.  She supposed she could allow at least that much contact.  Joel started rubbing it in the soothing circles that she liked.  Which was almost as bad as letting him hold her... _fuck..._

"What did you think I was gonna do?" he asked.

"I _know_ what you were gonna do."

Joel seemed to decide that she'd guessed correctly.  "And you... didn' think you'd like it?"

"Maybe I would.  But I didn't want you to do it."

"Why not?  ...did you think it would be... uncomfortable, or..."

"No."

He was silent for a moment, then tried again.  "Did you think... that _I_ wouldn' like it?"

Maybe a little.  But that wasn't her main objection.  She didn't say anything, and he seemed to interpret that as agreement.  "I would," he said.  "You... taste good.  Remember?"

She remembered the way he'd licked his fingers afterward... last time.  How he'd made some ridiculous comment about it being 'finger-licking good', which had achieved the desired effect of turning her disgust into amusement.  It was funny, even though she hadn't realized it was from some commercial back in his time that had nothing to do with sex.  "You were just doing that to gross me out," she pointed out.

"I wasn't.  Maybe I wanted you to react, yeah, but _I_ don' think it's gross.  I swear.  I was only... I jus' wanted to make you feel good, tonight.  I'm sorry.  I didn' think it would freak you out."

"I'm not freaked out!"

"Well... whatever you are."  He rested his chin on her shoulder.

Again, she didn't object to his touch.  _But I should!  I WANT to be mad at him.  ...how fucked up is that, though?!  Who would want that?_ It would be so easy to slide back a little, right into his arms... she knew that was what he wanted her to do.

"I wanted to do it," he said.  "Still want to..."

"What about what _I_ want?" she asked quietly.  "Doesn't that matter?"

"Of course it does."

"Then why won't you let me make _you_ feel good?  That's what I want.  You wouldn't be forcing me, or... coercing, or whatever the fuck you like to call it.  It's not bad.  _You're_ not bad, for letting me.  If you would just let me try..."

"It ain't the same thing."

She felt the tears coming -- stupid fucking (alcohol-induced?) tears! -- and started fighting them, hard.  _Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't fucking cry!_

He kissed her shoulder.  "I'm sorry.  I _will_ let you... someday..."

She swallowed against that choking feeling in her throat.  _DON'T. CRY._

Her silence seemed to trouble Joel.  "Ellie?  Talk to me."

She remained quiet for a few moments.  "I can't," she finally grumbled.

"Please try."  He was playing with her hair now.  Being sweet.  That only made it worse.  "Remember, if I'm bein' an' asshole, you're s'posed to tell me.  Don' stay quiet."

"It's not that." _...not exactly?_   She knew he couldn't help how he felt, and that made it not-asshole-ish.  If anyone was an asshole here, it was her, for pressuring him to let her do things he wasn't comfortable with.

While she contemplated her own assholeness, Joel fetched her nightgown and started trying to get it over her head.  She pushed him away.  "No, I don't... want that."  She wasn't sure why, because she'd obviously just ruined the night anyway.  She was quiet for another few beats, then decided to try talking.  And not just talking -- but being open and honest.  It was hard sometimes, but it always brought them closer.  "I know I'm not-- that I'm supposed to be okay, with... with whatever you decide... and I am, Joel, I swear I am!"  Her voice was shaky, and a couple tears escaped.  She kept going anyway.  "Maybe it doesn't seem like it now, but I _am_ \-- I will be, I can talk myself out of... I can make it be okay.  I know we have to do things your way.  And I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to!  God, that's the last thing I want.  I'm trying... real hard, to... respect that you don't..."  She took a breath.  "You don't want me to touch you.  You don't want my hands on you, cuz the thought of me... it makes you sick..."

" _You_ don' make me sick."

Maybe she didn't _all_ the time.  She did make him hard... _but in some ways, he doesn't LIKE when that happens.  Maybe it's not just the innocence thing..._ It was strange how he could be so sincere when he told her how pretty she was, and in those moments, she would totally believe him, but the way he physically reacted to her when she touched him through his clothes, or sometimes even just _attempted_ to touch him, said otherwise.  It really had made him nauseous, at least once.  And one thing she knew about Joel:  if his words contradicted his actions, it was his words that were false.  "Right.  Cuz I'm soooo beautiful," she sneered.

"You are!  That has--"

"Then why do I make you feel sick to your--"

"No!  It ain't like that.  It's not you!"

" _'It's not you, it's me'_ ," she recited for him.  "Right?"

"It really is."

"That's bullshit!"  She'd learned that from watching a movie recently.  People had said it to her all her life, and as she got older, it had begun to strike her as a lie.  A cop-out.  That bit in the movie really rang true to her (and she'd been quite glad to learn that the bullshit wasn't exclusive to her).

"Ellie--"

"I just want to... why is it so wrong?  For me to want that?  Why is it okay for _you_ to do whatever you want, but it's not for me?" she lamented, more sadly than angrily, but... it really was infuriating, when she thought about it. 

It seemed like he was trying to pull her into his arms, and she still didn't want to give him that... or to feel comforted physically when it didn't _fix_ anything... and suddenly, something snapped and she didn't want him to touch her at all.

"Stop it!"  She twisted away from him and off of the bed.  Sat on the floor under the window, hugging her knees to her chest, leaning her side into the wall.  He followed her... knelt in front of her -- more beside her, really.  Essentially boxing her in, unless she wanted to slide backward into the narrow space between the bed and the wall.  He didn't try to touch her again, though, which was a good thing, because with nowhere to escape to, she didn't know what she would've done if he had.  _Probably scoot backwards... then go up and over the bed... into the other room..._ for some reason, thinking about escape had a strange calming effect on her.  Even though it was _Joel_ \-- and she knew she didn't want to 'escape' from him.  _What the motherfucking FUCK is wrong with me?!_

Joel seemed to have gotten the message, though.  "Do you mind if I turn on the light, so we can--"

"No!  Leave it dark."  _I'm a revolting creature... I'M the beast here... and we like it in the dark,_ she mused to herself -- and this thought, too, was oddly calming.  Neither the dim clock light nor the sliver of moonlight she was sitting in were bright enough to expose her face... or anything else.  _We belong in the dark.  The darkness hides our ugliness_.

Joel was quiet.  Mulling over his words, perhaps thinking up new lies... or maybe debating whether he should go ahead and turn the light on anyway.  _What HE wants is more important than what **I** want.  Every time.  ...and isn't that how it SHOULD be?  His rules, not mine.  That was the agreement from the start._

But he left the light off, and it was only a few moments before he spoke.  "Ellie... it ain't... _okay_ , for me to... _do whatever I want_ , as you put it... if you don' want me to do any of that stuff, I'll stop.  I didn' know it was botherin' you so much."

"It's not!"  She _should_ let him back off.  To make things _fair_.  But in a way, that thought was terrifying, because once he started backing away from things... "I just have to-- I _am_ okay with it, Joel, really--"

"No, you're not.  Or you wouldn' be sittin' on the floor, tryin' to... do you want me to leave you alone?"

_Yes.  Alone in the dark where I belong, yes._   ...but no.  Her first instinct was to say yes, but she knew she didn't really _want_ that, and if she said it, he might believe her... might actually go away, instead of... she didn't even know what she wanted him to do, really.  It wasn't like he could say, _"Wow, you're right, Ellie.  You've just completely changed the way I feel about the sex stuff and I know you won't make me lose my lunch anymore.  Let's do it!"_   She couldn't imagine Joel ever saying that.  No way in hell.

She just ignored the question.  "I'm okay with the way things are.  I swear.  I don't wanna go backwards.  That's the rule.  Only steps forward."

"Well, then... don' think of it as backwards.  Sideways, maybe?  Or... hittin' the pause button... waitin' for me to catch up?"

She buried her face in her knees.  "I don't want that either.  I just want... for you to not be... disgusted by me."

"I'm not.  I told you--"

"I know what you told me.  All lies."  That was a bit of an exaggeration... but Ellie didn't care to admit that.

"What do you think I'm lyin' about?" he asked gently.

_What DON'T you lie about?_ she thought meanly, but that wasn't really how she felt, either, and she managed to hold her tongue.  It was just something she could say that would hurt him.  Part of her wanted to do just that... the other part of her knew she would regret it. 

"The it's-not-you-it's-me thing," she answered.  "Whenever you tell me I'm pretty."  She knew it was a little more complicated for him than she made it sound, but basically... didn't it come down to that in the end?  Because how could he honestly find her attractive, yet be grossed out at the same time?  He tried to protest now, but she kept talking, and her voice was soft enough that he wouldn't hear her unless he shut up -- which he did.  Immediately.  "Maybe you don't even realize it's a lie.  But that doesn't make it true.  If you really... it just doesn't make sense.  I'm not your daughter, and you know it -- cuz if you didn't, you wouldn't kiss me, or..." She stumbled over that thought.  _Obviously, if I truly repulsed him, he couldn't KISS me like that... right?!_   "I don't get it."  A generic statement which encompassed so many things... he was listening to her now, though.  _Really_ listening.  She had to try to make some sense of it, and to convey how it made her feel when he acted the way he did.  "I make you-- _it_ makes you sick.  Maybe not me, exactly, but me doing stuff... it's still me.  I can't separate myself from... my hand, or whatever... it's all me.  Making you feel bad when I just want you to feel good.  And you're lying whenever you pretend that... it's _fun_ for you, to be with me, like... like when you... -but any time I try to-- or you _think_ I might... touch you... it's like torture for you."

"No!  It ain't like that."  He tried to lay a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off.  "Ellie, listen.  None of that--" 

"Stop lying!"  She stopped mumbling into her knees and lifted her head.  "Words don't mean shit, Joel.  You, like... cringe... and you should see your face, any time my hand goes... God, even on the outside of your clothes, you can't stand it.  You say I'm not doing anything wrong..."

"You're not!  It's my--"

"Don't you get it?!  That makes it worse!  If it was something I was doing, maybe I could fix it.  You could just tell me how.  But you can't, because the problem is _me_.  No matter what I do, it's wrong, cuz you don't... you don't..." Her anger couldn't withstand the overwhelming power of this simple truth that had just smacked her in the face, and her voice faltered.  _I have to tell him._  "I know you love me.  I do.  But it's... different.  It's not the same way that I love you.  It's not as much, or as deep, or as... I dunno... it's a different kind of love.  If it was the same way that I love you, then the idea of me... you would love it.  I wouldn't gross you out.  I wouldn't make you want to puke."

"Oh, baby girl..."  It almost sounded like _Joel_ was getting teary now.  Almost... because it couldn't be true.  Joel never cried.  "You don't," he continued.  "I swear you don't.  You could never.  Ellie... please..."

His hand was on her shoulder again.  She let it stay there.  The warmth of it made her realize she was cold, sitting there naked on the floor like that.  He moved it slowly to her back, and his other hand groped at her other arm... she knew she shouldn't, but she let him gently tug her close to him.  She didn't hug him.  She was basically sitting the same way she had been on the floor, only his arms were around her, invitingly warm... and loving... he rearranged himself to provide a lap for her, his back against the bed.  She didn't resist, exactly, but she sat very stiffly in his lap -- which was much warmer and softer and _nicer_ than the cold, dirty, threadbare carpet had been.  And then he squeezed her so hard... _maybe I went too far_ , she began to wonder.  _He does love me.  I know he does.  Maybe my feelings about this are wrong... maybe I'm going to make him think we shouldn't be together if I keep--_

"I wish I could make you understand," he said sadly.  "Nothin' about you disgusts me.  It's me who--" 

"Okay," she cut him off.  _I can't let him get to the part where he says it's better if we go back to not being in love!_   "It's okay, Joel.  I didn't mean all that stuff I said.  I'm just drunk."

"...I don' think so."  He held her close, kissed her head, rocked her a little... it felt good.  _Too_ fucking good.  "I'm so sorry.  I keep fuckin' things up."

_Too fucking good... because good things can't be trusted.  They never last.  And now he's apologizing..._ Even though _she_ was the one who had ruined the evening.  She knew he hated 'fucking up,' where she was concerned. The Joel in her head continued with, _"The last thing I want to do is let my issues affect you.  You'd be better off without me."_  

Suddenly feeling panicked, she lifted her head and looked at him.  It was dark, but she could _sort_ of see him… "You don't fuck things up!  Joel, you _don't_.  I told you, I'm okay with it -- with whatever you want.  I'm just being stupid.  You can touch me wherever you want, kiss me wherever you want... I don't care.  I don't care!  I get it -- I know why it's hard for you -- you feel like a perv -- you're not, but you _feel_ like one -- especially if you let me touch you -- it's going to take a while to get over that feeling -- like, _years_.  Yeah!  Years would be _totally_ understandable -- you haven't done anything wrong, it's just way too soon!  And I can totally wait -- as long as it takes -- it prob'ly doesn't seem like it right now, but I'm very patient -- at least about stuff like this -- and I shouldn't be trying to force you--"

"Ellie Ellie Ellie--" He had to shake her a little to snap her out of her frantic babbling.  "Stop!  I ain't mad at you, an' I ain't leavin' you.  I love you.  Take a deep breath, all right?"

She did stop, surprised that he'd heard things she hadn't even said.  He'd cut right to the heart of her words... right to the desperation.  "Sorry..."

He sighed.  Tucked her head against his neck and squeezed her again.  "You don' have to apologize, an' you don' have to worry about me leavin'.  Or maybe not _leavin'_ -leavin', but... breakin' your heart.  I won't do that.  I wish I could make you believe me."

"I do," she said quietly.  _Usually._   And when he held her like this... it was like she could _feel_ it, physically.  _Isn't that what 'making love' is supposed to be about?  Why is it considered such a horrible and disgusting thing if he does that with me?_

He kissed her temple.  "I'm glad you told me how you're feelin'.  I had no idea that you would... that the way I've been actin' would make you actually think--"

"I told you -- it's okay."

"No, it ain't.  I'm sorry, baby girl."

He was being so sweet that now she felt bad for making _him_ feel bad.  _I'm supposed to make him happy!_  When she was angry, she didn't care about that.  It was like she forgot.  Joel would just calmly absorb the shouting, the thoughtless words... and then, usually, she'd feel a little silly afterwards.  It was impossible to fight with someone who wouldn't fight back.  That wasn't fighting, that was... _bullying_.  He didn't just completely take her shit... he would 'stand up' to her, the way she used to stand up to her bullies in Boston... but where she would escalate a situation into a fight, Joel would answer with love.  _Okay, so it's not like I could just HUG IT OUT against the Martinez brothers, or that nasty Gretchen bitch..._ But Joel wasn't like them -- and he wasn't like her, when their roles were flipped.  He was... _mature_ about things.  _No wonder he thinks I'm just a dumb kid sometimes.  God!  If I could just not freak out over every little thing..._

"I'll try harder, all right?" he whispered into her hair.

"...what?"

"I'll try.  I don' want you to feel like... like there's somethin' wrong with you, or that I don' really love you... or that anythin' about you disgusts me."

She realized what he was referring to, and lifted her head again.  "Oh, Joel... no, I wasn't trying to make you--"

"I know you weren't.  But maybe you're right.  Maybe I jus' need to... get over that."

Now she sat up a little so she could drape her arms around his neck.  "Joel!  You don't have to.  It's not important.  _This_ is what's important.  Just... being close, and... I can wait for you!  You're not ready.  It's okay.  Really!  I shouldn't have said all that stuff."

He chuckled and gave her a little kiss.  "I already told you I ain't leavin'."

"That's not why I'm saying this!  I'm saying it because... I love that you're willing to do that for me.  I know it's not easy, but you love me, so... well, I love _you_ and I don't want you to feel, like... uncomfortable, or... pressured.  That sort of defeats the purpose of trying to make you feel good in the first place, right?"  He was petting her hair, her face... Ellie felt happy again.  Secure.  Loved.  And maybe they hadn't resolved this issue, but he'd definitely heard her this time.  She kissed him gently, stroking his beard with her thumb.

"You're amazing," he said softly, his voice thick with emotion.

"Pfff.  I'm _so_ not.  But you can think that if you want to."  She laid her head on his shoulder, sinking more comfortably into his lap again.  It was silly to sit on the floor like that, and they probably wouldn't stay there much longer, but she didn't want to let him up just yet.  Didn't want to risk the slightest change ruining a perfect moment.

"You are," he insisted.  "But I _am_ gonna try.  I want to.  Not tonight... I think tonight we should prob'ly jus' go to sleep, but... next time.  All right?"

Ellie couldn't be certain that he wasn't just reacting to her emotional outburst.  It was what she wanted, sure, but did _he_ really want it?  She would be a huge dick to hold him to that!  _Time to borrow a Joel-ism..._ "We'll see."


	18. Five Finger Death Punch

The next day was one of Ellie's no-farm-just-library days.  Annie sometimes ventured over to the library later, but since the wedding had lured her away from the farm the day before, Ellie figured she'd be staying put today.  Which was a shame, because Ellie suspected she might need to be reminded of Jacob's dickwaddery.  Ellie was always good for a reality check on that front -- whether Annie knew she needed it or not.  Spirit would probably be available for a joyride that afternoon, so Ellie planned on visiting her friend then. 

She liked working on the farm, but she was a little tired ( _not_ hung over, just tired, really!), so she was grateful for the less physically-demanding work today.  She helped with re-shelving, and continued the cataloging project she'd been working on for ages.  She did a construction paper craft with the kids, increasing Jackson's paper chain caterpillar count by about ten, and then read them a story -- also about a caterpillar, because she was all about coordination.  Joel stopped in to 'say hi' -- that is, to check up on her -- and they planned to meet at home later, before going over to Tommy and Maria's for dinner.  They used to just plan on meeting over there at dinnertime, but Joel's house had become a much more desirable location since they'd started getting romantic.  It was the only place they _could_ be romantic!

Ellie swapped out one cassette for another at the front desk; rather than listen to stuff in the music pit at the library, she preferred to listen on her Walkman at home, where she could actually hear and absorb the lyrics.  She had just turned to leave when one of her least favorite people ever came sauntering up to her.  The bitch fell in step beside her as she headed for the door.

"Have fun last night, Ellie?" asked Christine with false sweetness.

Ellie replied with her usual greeting: "Fuck off, skank."  She pushed the door open and let it go, hoping it would whack the girl in the face.

The skank just snickered -- and didn't let the door smack her as she hustled to keep up with Ellie's increased pace.  "So, like... is that what you did when you left?  Except... without the 'off' part."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Ellie asked, because for some reason she couldn't just _ignore_ people who annoyed her, the way Annie could.  At least not when they were in her face.

"You and your old man.  Everyone's talking about it."

"About _what?_ "  Ellie turned to glare at the cunt, but didn’t stop walking.  She didn't like where this was headed... but she had to fucking _know_. 

"What do you _think_?"

_We didn't DO anything -- what the fuck could she be talking about?_ And, not by accident, she hadn't been anywhere near Christine all night.  Even with the girl dances; the slut had managed to make enemies with some of the other girls besides Ellie.  The fucked up thing was that Jacob had somehow managed to ingratiate himself back into the group.  Both of them should get kicked out of Jackson for being horrible human beings, but Ellie didn't get to decide such things.  "What do I think?  I think I'm gonna pound that smirk right off your face if you don't just fucking tell me what you mean."

"Oh... you know," Christine said airily.   "You and Daddy, and your... _special_ relationship."

"He's not my dad, and you don't know shit about us."  ... _She's just fishing.  Trying to piss me off -- and succeeding._ Unless... _did Clicker fucking say something?!_ He wouldn't do that... would he?  Maybe by accident...

The bitch smirked some more.  "No one does.  Right?"

_Of course they don't!_   That had been true all along.  Before the romantic stuff.  But of course, it sounded bad to say so.  Like they had a _secret_.  ...which, of course, they did.  Ellie didn't know how to answer without saying something incriminating.  Even saying it was no one else's business sounded bad.  _Why is this stupid cuntsack following me?_  "Don't you have anything better to do than bug me?"

Christine didn't answer that.  Apparently, she just wanted to keep blathering on about her and Joel.  "If they don't... it's cuz no one has the guts to ask you.  But I'm not afraid of you."  The girl looked at Ellie defiantly.

_Could've fooled me._   Although, to be fair, Ellie did have a knife in her hand and she was extremely pissed off, that one night... Christine probably had more cajones than any of the other girls, especially when she had nothing to lose.  "You _should_ be afraid," she said... as more of a warning than a threat.  _Even Joel shouldn't get mad at me for that one..._

"I know you have a gun," the other girl replied.  "But you can't use it on me.  You'd get kicked out of here."

"It'd be worth it," Ellie said with a snort.  But her 9-millimeter was tucked away in her backpack; she didn't wear it around the kids anymore.  "Bitch, are you gonna tell me what the fuck you're talking about, or not?  What do you _want?_ "

"I can help you," Christine said in that pseudo-sweet tone of hers that wouldn't have fooled Ellie even if she _didn't_ already know better.  "Just tell me the truth, and I'll set them all straight."

She didn't believe for one second that Christine had any interest in ~helping~ her.  _She either really enjoys pissing me off, or she wants attention from the others, by delivering the goods..._   If no one even bothered talking to Christine these days, how did she know what 'everyone' was talking about?  _Maybe she just eavesdrops on everyone... cuz she has no friends..._ Ellie sighed.  "Straight about _what?_   Spit it out already.  I've got somewhere to be, and you're not invited."

"Somewhere... like Daddy's bed?" she said nastily.

Ellie froze in her tracks.  _What?!_

Christine stopped beside her, snickering.  "Yeah.  That's right.  We know you've got it bad for him.  God knows why... I mean, can he even still get it up at his age?  Is it all, like, shriv---"  That sentence morphed into a yelp as Ellie lunged at her.

Ellie knocked the bitch to the ground easily enough, and she got a couple decent punches in before Christine managed to shove her away with a knee to the gut.  Ellie could have pulled the knife... but she wouldn't.  Tommy was just starting to be cool with her (and Joel) constantly carrying weapons, and the privilege now extended to certain other citizens as well; Ellie didn't want to fuck that up on this worthless piece of shit.  She staggered away to catch her breath for a moment.  "Is that all you got, you skanky little cunt?  Huh?" Ellie taunted as she shrugged out of her backpack and dropped it to the ground.  _See, Joel?  I'm giving her a chance to run.  If she doesn't, it's not my fault if I fuck her up._

Christine looked like she was seeing red now, her scowl not unlike Joel's, her eyes shooting daggers.  She got to her feet, and they stared at each other... sized each other up.

"C'mon, you fucking pussy!" Ellie egged her on.  She could've hit the other girl again, but she really wanted to see what Christine would do.  And if Christine made the first move (er... this round, anyway), even Joel would have to agree that Ellie was justified in kicking her ass.

And Christine obliged -- she took a swing at Ellie, but Ellie dodged it and kicked her in the stomach, doubling her over.  Again, Ellie quite charitably gave her a chance to run away or surrender.  _I'm practically a fucking SAINT here, really!_

Christine clutched her stomach and looked up at Ellie.  "What the fuck is wrong with you?" she panted.

"What's _wrong_ is that you and... whoever, the other stupid idiots in this town, are talking about shit you don't know anything about.  Spreading lies."  Ellie noticed with mild amusement that Christine's hair was way too easy to mess up; frizzy brown patches of it stuck out from her head at odd angles, and the dirt or grass or whatever it had picked up from the ground didn't want to let go. 

"Oh yeah?  Then tell me the truth," Christine challenged, straightening up to her regular height but still holding her stomach.  "Are you, or are you not, fucking the old man?"

Ellie felt the heat rushing to her face. _It gives away nothing_ , she reminded herself.  _I'd blush no matter WHO she accused me of fucking_.  "Not that it's any of your fucking _business_ ," she spat, "but no.  I'm not _fucking Joel."_ _...yet._

The skank laughed.  It was a nasty, mocking sound.  "You only fuck him in your dreams?  Is that it?  Or... are you too much of a prude, like Annie -- you should learn from her mis--" Ellie had heard enough; she loosed another punch, but this time Christine ducked it, barreling forward and knocking Ellie to the ground.

They tussled a bit, fists flying... and then Christine was on top of her, pinning her to the ground.  However, it wasn't the most effective of pinnings:  the skank couldn't hit her again without letting go of Ellie's arms.  Ellie would guess that Christine had a little bit of a weight advantage, as she was three years older, and slightly taller (but how much of that extra weight was uselessly concentrated in her big tits, Ellie didn't know)... and the girl wasn't quite as much of a wuss as Ellie would have expected... but she wasn't as scrappy as Ellie. 

Ellie struggled a little, but it was mostly perfunctory; she knew that all she had to do was just wait for her moment.  _And do some trash talking..._ "Are you gonna hit me," she panted, "or are you gonna just sit there like a slut sits on a--" Ellie didn't need to finish that lovely thought, as Christine had raised her hand and made a fist -- but before she could wind up a punch, Ellie managed to twist the girl's arm around and roll them both over so that Ellie was on top.  With one arm behind her back and the other pinned to her side by Ellie's knee, and Ellie's full weight bearing down on her, the bitch was fairly helpless as Ellie started whaling on her without mercy.  _Take THAT, you stupid fucking whore!  Bet you'll think twice about picking a fight with me next time, won't you!  And about wagging that slutty tongue --_ Ellie was really getting into it when--

_"Break it up, you two!"_

Now someone was pulling her off of Christine.  Some guy.  "Let go of me!" she screamed as she wrenched free of his grip.  She turned and saw it was Dustin, the marriage officiant/DJ dude.  He didn't try to take hold of her again, but he looked ready to pounce if she made another move toward the girl on the ground.  Ellie had spent most of her rage by then anyway... or, spent enough of it to make her point.  She started brushing herself off, adjusting her clothes... taking stock of her own injuries.  _Minor_ injuries -- Ellie was confident she had 'won' this.

Christine sat up with theatrical slowness, holding her face in her hands, blood spilling out from between her fingers.  "You broke my nose, you stupid bitch!"

_Did I really?_   She didn't know how the girl could be sure of that.  Ellie hadn't heard anything that sounded like bones breaking, but there _was_ kind of a lot of blood... _that just means I hit a blood vessel, though, right?_  She didn't give a fuck about Christine's ugly little nose, but she did give plenty of fucks about Joel lecturing her... getting on her case... being disappointed in her.  Ellie could taste blood in her own mouth.  She spat on the ground.  "Good.  That'll be an improvement.  You should thank me!"

Christine looked satisfyingly furious at that, and started to get up but immediately fell back on her ass.  "All right all right all right -- ladies!  Please!" implored Dustin.  He was at the bitch's side now, attempting to help her stand up.  "Enough of this diva fight nonsense.  Let's all take a little stroll down to the clinic." 

"No fucking way!" Ellie scoffed.  She let the diva comment slide (she wasn't exactly sure what a diva was, but she assumed it was bad).  "I'm fine.  Totally fine."  A white lie, of course, but Ellie wasn't going to the nurse like a pansy-ass after _that_ lame debacle.  She retrieved her backpack and started to walk away, then whirled around to add, "And if her nose _is_ broken, she deserved it."

"Are you gonna just let her leave?" Christine wailed to Dustin.

Ellie kind of wondered that herself.  She just kept walking.  At a brisk pace, to show how not-fucked-up she was.  Her ears were ringing... she could see fine, though, and she wasn't dizzy, so she knew she would be okay.

"What do you want me to do -- arrest her?" she heard Dustin answer.  "Send you both to the principal's office?"  ...As if Jackson even had one of those...  "Get your roommate and her... roommate, have a little pow-wow?  Yeahhh, no, c'mon... you want me to get Olivia for you?  Or anyone else?  Give one of these looky-loos something to do..."

There were indeed a few people spectating nearby now.  _At least Joel graduated from 'dad' to 'roommate!'_ she thought happily.  She decided to break into a run, in case anyone had any ideas about going after her or trying to talk to her.  She didn't want to face any of them right now.  Her face was sort of... stinging, a bit, and she was sure she'd have a few bruises in various other places, but she'd fought _way_ tougher opponents than that pathetic slut.  Christine had scratched her a little, too, which annoyed her for some reason.  _Well, why shouldn't she scratch me like a girl?  She IS a girl_.  Ellie used to scratch, too, before she'd learned from the boys that it was _girly_.  And she supposed it was; Joel didn't go around scratching people.  He just decked them.

The bad thing about running away was that Christine could tell more lies.  ... _Well, what do I care?_   The skank could tell them whatever she wanted, milk their sympathy... Ellie couldn't let herself care what other people were going to think.  Anyone who cared to ask Ellie for her side of the story would hear the truth -- minus the details of the cunt's stupid insults. 

She found Annie in the stables with her horse, Amelia, and Ellie's favorite, Spirit.  She was tacking up Amelia as Ellie approached.  "Hey!" Annie greeted her distractedly as she strapped on Amelia's bridle.  "I figured I'd join you today, if you can get Spirit to be a gentleman and let the-- ohhh!  Ellie!  What happened?  Are you okay?"

_Fuck, is it really that noticeable?_  "Yeah.  Your favorite person pissed me off."

Annie's jaw dropped.  "What?  He actually _hit_ you?!"

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "Not _that_ favorite person!"  No doubt Annie knew that Ellie was being sarcastic, but it was a little disturbing that Jacob was the first person that popped into her mind.  "The skank.  I might've broken her nose.  Like it wasn't ugly enough before, right?  Oops!" Ellie grinned.

Annie clapped a hand over her mouth, stifling a little giggle.  "Wow.  Um... way to go?"

"Thanks.  Good to know at least _one_ person can be proud of me."

Annie leaned over and picked some grass or something out of Ellie's hair.  "Did you just come straight here?  You wanna wash up a little, or...?"

"Nah, I'm okay."  Although, she should probably do that before she went home... maybe Joel wouldn't notice, if she was at least clean and didn't have blood splattered about her person.  "Maybe when we get back."

"You still want to ride?  You're not..."

"Yes!  I said I'm fine."  That cunt bitch wasn't going to spoil her ride!

"So what happened?  Tell me everything!"

"There's really not much to tell."  _Or that I feel like repeating..._ "She was being mean."

"Well... yeah, that's part of her personality?  So... ?"

"She said some shit that pissed me off, okay?  About Joel."  _Don't blush don't blush don't blush_

"Oh.  Like..." Annie frowned.  "You're blushing.  It was about _you_ and Joel."

"What are people saying?  She said _everyone_ 's talking about us.  What the fuck for?  Do you know?"

"Um... I know people were kinda looking at you last night?  I know you were drinking, so... maybe you didn't really notice?  You sort of... well..."

"I sort of _what_?" she prompted impatiently.

"Basically... there were times it was really obvious that you... like him, you know?"

Ellie sighed.  "So what are they _saying_?  That I wanna fuck him?  That we're already fucking?  What?"

Now Annie was blushing.  "I really don't know, Ellie.  Really!  I've been here all day and no one here said anything to me.  People have... occasionally... asked me.  Not last night, but before.  If I even say anything at all, it's just that... you guys are really close because you've been through a lot together, and that's it.  And last night... you were drinking, so if anyone asks, I would blame it on that.  If you looked at him funny, or... I mean, people act different after drinking liquor, right?  You were enjoying the party.  Don't worry about it... people just like to gossip.  And to assume the worst -- more to gossip about that way."

_The WORST being me and Joel having sex?  Which isn't even a bad thing!_  "I'm not worried.  Just... annoyed, I guess.  It's none of their fucking business, and stupid fucking cunts like Christine just need to keep their fucking mouths shut."

Annie put her hand on Ellie's shoulder and gave it a sympathetic squeeze.  "I agree.  I just don't think that's going to happen.  I haven't told anyone... what you told me.  I promise."

"Pfff.  I know.  But, whatever -- if they wanna think I'm in love with him... it's _true_ , so... fuck, tell the whole town.  Tell them, so they can feel sorry for poor little Ellie... and then poor little Ellie will go beat their asses if they have anything to say about it."

Annie was the one who rolled her eyes this time.  "I'm not going to do that, and _you'd_ better not do that.  Sometimes it's better to just... let things roll off you?  I mean, you said you don't care what they think, right?"

"I don't!"

"Then ignore them."

The Annie method.  And although Joel liked to think it was how he dealt with shit as well, Ellie liked to think otherwise.  That if Christine had said derogatory things in Joel's presence, he would have decked her, too.  Unfortunately, since the bitch lacked a penis, he probably wouldn't lay a hand on her no matter how obnoxious she was being.  Which didn't make any sense to Ellie.  If someone deserved it, they deserved it -- no matter their gender.  He could at least throw a half-ass punch or something!

"I can't just ignore them," she told Annie now.  "Not when... I mean, yeah, I can ignore them if they don't do anything but look, or... whisper behind my back.  I know people talk."  It wasn't like she never gossiped, herself... but she preferred to listen and gather facts rather than assume that everything she heard was true.  "I could go tell them to say what they're gonna say to my face, and pick fights that way, but I'm... trying to not be that way.  Take the high road, and all that."

"Good!  So you can--"

Ellie didn't let her finish.  "But when this bitch that I already hate gets in my face and starts saying shit that she _knows_ is gonna piss me off... no.  I can't ignore it.  She's asking for it.  She's asking, and she's gonna get it.  She's lucky I didn't pull a weapon on her."

Annie's eyes widened.  "Were you really gonna do that?"

"No," she admitted.  She'd already received one warning about that.  It should've been two, but no one had reported the second time.  ...because she'd warned them that they better not?  _Maybe they figure if I get kicked out, nothing would stop me from coming after them before I leave or something?_   She didn't think she'd be exiled from town as long as she didn't shoot anyone, but the last thing she needed was to get her gun privileges revoked.  Joel would sure love that... her walking around on her own with no gun.  He'd probably worry himself to death.  "No," she repeated regretfully, "but a girl can dream, right?  Hey, thanks for getting Spirit ready.  Before we go... what the fuck was the deal with you and dipshit last night?  You know better!"

"Ellie, I told you -- we're _friends,_ " Annie said placidly.  Just like Joel -- the more worked up Ellie got, the calmer Annie seemed to be.  That was possibly the _only_ similarity between the two of them!  "Sort of," Annie added.  "Not even friends, really.  I don't hang out with him or do things with him.  It was just a little dancing."

"Just dancing?  He had his hands on you... you still have feelings for him... how is that a good idea?!  You're never gonna get over him if you--"

"Okayyyy," she interrupted, "you've made your point.  Over and over, actually.  And, I might add, you're a total hypocrite."

Ellie was taken aback by that.  "What?  How--"

"You and Joel. You're never going to get over _him_ if you--"

"I'm not _trying_ to get over him!" Ellie groaned.  "He didn't dick me over!  Believe me, if he did to me what Jacob did to you..."

"But... that wouldn't be cheating," Annie pointed out, not unkindly. 

Of course it wouldn't.  Joel would _never_ be her boyfriend.  _At least not according to anyone in this stupid town._ "Okay, so pretend it is-- that it would be.  He lies and cheats and makes me feel like _I_ did something wrong.  Fuck that!  I would hate him.  I'd never speak to him again."  Actually, Ellie couldn't imagine that, no matter what Joel did... she'd be beyond furious with him, but she wasn't strong enough to turn her back on him... to close that door forever and go through life without him.  She'd probably just have to take his cheating like a chump and be miserable for the rest of her days.  _But Annie doesn't need to know that!_

"I'm not an idiot," said Annie.  "I know he's... not trustworthy."

"Not trust-- arrgghh!  You are _way_ too nice.  More like, he's a _lying, cheating, motherfucking asshole douchebag prick_ who's not fit to lick your boots.  ...not that I know why anyone would ever lick anyone else's boots in the first place?  Weird saying.  But he's just a piece of shit. -A piece of shit like what you'd scrape off the _bottom_ of your boot.  Got it?  If he wants to dance, he can dance with the fug-nosed wonder."

Annie laughed; at least she'd been doing more of that these days, and Ellie was happy to see it.  "One problem with that -- he hates her?"

_Allegedly._   Ellie had her doubts about that.  "Well, some other skank, then.  Not your problem!"  She was tired of talking about this now.  She still wanted to ask Annie about Max -- had she really been having a good time with him, or was she just trying to make Jacob jealous? -- but if it was the latter, it would only irritate her further.  _Later._   Besides, she was itching to feel the exhilaration of a good ride on her favorite horse... the wind howling through her hair, drowning out the ringing… _and everything else_.  She started leading Spirit outside.  "Okay, c'mon -- race you to the north gate... I'll even give you a head start.  You'll need it!"

 

* * *

 

Ellie had tried to clean herself up... she showered, and traded her dirty, blood-spattered T-shirt for a clean black one featuring some rock band she didn't know.  This time, she'd have to return the shirt to Will, as it was part of his not-outgrown wardrobe.  Her face was kind of red, in places... okay, _very_ red... but she could have just forgotten to wear the hat yesterday and gotten a sunburn... and maybe she busted her lip when she... ran into a bookcase this afternoon?  But of course, there'd been enough witnesses around that keeping the incident a secret seemed unlikely, and maybe Dustin had even given some kind of report to Maria or Tommy, who of course would then tell Joel.  _I'm not very good at lying to him, anyways... and he knows that sunburn doesn't reach under your clothes, or turn purple later._

He was waiting for her when she got home.  Sitting on the couch, doing nothing but waiting, from the looks of it.  She smiled at him from the doorway, then tried to hide behind her hair (she'd left it down, to cover more of her face) as she deposited her backpack in the corner beside his... but she couldn't just _not_ go to him.  He was waiting there to pull her into his arms...

His pleasant expression soured the moment she got close enough for him to get a good look at her.  "Ellie!  What the hell...?"

She stood awkwardly in front of him, hesitant to sit with him now when her first instinct was to bolt.  But he motioned for her to sit, and when she tried to sit next to him, he pulled her into his lap anyway.  She sighed.  "It's no big deal, okay?  Don't freak out."

"Don' freak out?  What the fuck happened?!"  He held her by the chin, turning her face this way and that so he could inspect the damage.

"I sort of... got into a fight."  She tried not to sound sheepish; it wasn't like she regretted it, or felt it was wrong.

Joel was scowling now.  "With who?"

"Just a girl... so don't worry, you don't have to go kick anyone's ass on my behalf now."  She snickered a little.  "I did that on my own anyway.  I got her _way_ worse than she got me."

"I can still have a word with her."

"No!"  God, that was the last thing Ellie wanted.  "I don't want you anywhere near her."

Joel snorted.  "You sound like me.  An' you would answer that with... _I can handle myself_."

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "Not cuz I'm _afraid_ for you!  But maybe I should be, since you'd just like... sit there and let her hit you and stuff."

"Right.  That's exactly what I'd do.  Jus' sit there."  His tone softened a little. "Are you okay?  You in pain?"

"I'm fine!  Nothing hurts."  At least, not enough to whine about.

His thumb ghosted over her lip.  "Nothin'?  Your face..."

"It's no biggie.  Except... shit, I probably can't kiss you with my lip all bloody, huh."

"We'll jus' let it heal a little first."  He drew her face to his and gently kissed the corner of her mouth that wasn't fucked up.

"Okay."  She put her arms around his neck and leaned into him, her cheek against his.  _This is great!  He's not even pissed off!  Maybe I--_

"So who were you fightin' with an' how did it happen?"

She brushed her lips through his beard, not exactly kissing it as she couldn't pucker her lips without wincing -- and she didn't want it to start bleeding again.  "Joel, do you really wanna waste our alone time talking about a stupid fight?"

"Yes.  Answer me."

"It was that skank, Christine.  And she deserved it."

"So... you started it."

Ellie pulled back a little to glare at him.  " _She_ did!  With that fucking cunty mouth of hers."

"Meanin’, you started it.  The actual-- the physical part."

She made herself at home in his lap.  At least he was holding her, not pushing her away to get up and pace off his anger or something.  "I... guess.  Not the second time.  But... yeah."  She buried her face in his neck, wishing she could fast-forward past this pointless conversation.

"Second time?"

"I gave her a chance to leave!  I did!  But she _wanted_ to fight."

"Why?  Why did _you_ want to?"

"I told you -- she deserv--"

" _Why_ did she deserve it?"

"She was talking shit."

"...about?  What did she say that provoked you?"

"Nothing."

"Ellie!"

_...Yeah, I knew that wasn't going to fly._   She'd have to change it to their thing-- "Nothing I feel like telling you.  Okay?"

"Not okay.  Tell me."

Ellie groaned.  "Joel, seriously, I don't wanna talk about it."

"Was it about Annie?  Annie an' Jacob?"

She could let him think that.  It was partially true -- Christine _had_ made a snide remark about Annie.  But... lying to Joel, even just half-lying, wasn't a good idea.  Especially when there was a good chance that she couldn't get away with it.  _He knows me too fucking well!_   "No.  I mean, not totally."

"Ellie, don' make me play twenty questions here."

" _I don't want to talk about it_ ," she repeated exasperatedly.

"Why not?"

"I also don't wanna talk about _why_ I don't wanna talk about it.  I mean, I might as well talk about it if I'm gonna do that."

"Yes, you might as well.  So tell me."

"No!  If you don't drop this, I'm gonna go... sit over there.  I'll listen to my Walkman to drown you out."  She didn't want to do that, but...

He sighed.  "You don' have to do that.  I jus' wanna understand why you did it.  You can't jus' go around--"

"I knoooooow!"  Ellie cut him off, and sat up a little to look at him.  "Stop.  I've heard this all before.  It goes like this: 'Ellie, we live in a hoity-toity town now and can't act like savages no more.  You gotta just suck it up and... and _deal_.  Even if the stupid fucking cunt deserved to have her ass handed to her.  I know you're better than this, kiddo.  You can take the high road.  I'm really disappointed with the choice you made today, to... be violent.  Violence is bad.' "  She paused a beat before ditching her Joel impersonation.  "Did I get everything in there?"

At least she'd made him smile.  "Shit.  Is that really what I sound like?"

"Yep."

"I... don' think I would've called her a cunt."

Ellie wanted to giggle, but her lip protested the smiling motion.  "You _so_ could've said that."  But it was true that Joel didn't tend to favor that word.  She'd only heard him use it in reference to Marlene -- quite unfairly, in Ellie's opinion.

"And... 'violence is bad'?  Seriously?"

"Yeah!  Something generic and stupid like that.  And then maybe you'd say 'I'm glad you won, though, and I still love you.  Let's go fuck.' "

Joel laughed at that, too.  Squeezed her and kissed her forehead.  "Right.  That's exactly what I was about to say.  Took the words right outta my mouth."

"Yeah?  Okay, let's go!"  She started to get up, but Joel tightened his arms around her so she couldn't.  "Hey!  Come on, you said--"

"I didn' actually say it, though.  ...You _took_ the words.  They're gone."

"That's not how it works!"  She giggled in spite of her stupid lip, and half-ass-edly struggled to get up.

"Sure it is.  You ain't goin' nowhere."

Ellie was pleased that he was in a light-hearted mood, and not seriously upset with her.  "Man... I can't even distract you by kissing you.  No fair.  But, we don't have to move... we could still fuck right here..."

"No can do, kiddo.  That's hardly a fair punishment."

"Punishment?"  Ellie scoffed.  "Do I have to remind _you_ you're not my dad, too?"

"Oh, I remember."  He relaxed his hold on her, and started playing with her hair, wrapping strands of it around his fingers idly.  It was enough to make Ellie stop pretending she wanted to get up, anyway.  "What're you wearin'?  I've never seen this shirt before."

"It's Will's," she explained.

Joel snorted.  "You tryin' to... assert how bad-ass you are or somethin'?"

"What?  No..." Ellie pulled the shirt away from her body and tried to read the faded lettering upside-down.  "Five...Finger..."

"Death Punch," Joel finished for her.  "I think that's a kung fu movie."

"It's a band!  This is a concert shirt!  I _am_ pretty bad-ass, though.  Everyone here should be afraid of me and my death punches."  Even though she had never actually beaten anyone to death with her bare hands, like Joel had. 

"Mm.  We're all quakin' in our boots," he said mildly.

"Yeah, you better be nice to me!"

"I'll try."  His amused expression shifted back into 'serious Joel.'  "I wish you'd tell me what got you so upset," he said quietly.

She laid her head on his shoulder, shifting a little to press a not-stinging part of her face against it.  "I can't.  Sorry.  Can't we just... sit here together, and... not talk about it?  I could totally take a nap right now..." She wasn't especially tired, but she feigned a yawn to sell the idea.  Anything to avoid talking about it...

"We can do that.  Only got about an hour or so 'til dinnertime, though, so jus' a quick nap."  He turned to kiss her forehead.  "Maybe you'll feel like talkin' about everythin' later, yeah?"

_Pffff!  No way!_  "Yeah, maybe."  _Maybe I'll feel more like... something more FUN..._

She'd had a nice, leisurely morning with Joel.  It started off pretty awesome: instead of being way over on one side of the bed as usual (or with his back toward her, at least), he'd been facing her direction when she woke up, one hand casually draped over her leg.  This wasn't unprecedented… just uncommon.  Ever since the sleep-groping-that-wasn't -- ages ago! -- it was like a subconscious thing, or so Joel claimed.  Ellie left the subject alone, for the most part; after all, it was sort of her fault, and if she were a decent person, she would've confessed as soon as it backfired on her and Joel flipped his shit.  But the longer she kept quiet, the harder it became to admit, and would it really make much difference anyway?  Joel had said all along that it was wrong for them to share a bed... that accidents like that could happen.  Once their relationship turned romantic, she figured the rolling-away thing would stop... nope.  Then she thought that surely, once things got more sexual... nope! 

She had since stopped expecting anything to change overnight, but after last night... she took his staying close as a good sign.  After the way she'd acted, she was lucky he wanted to have anything to do with her at all, really.  To make it up to him, she'd decided to make him breakfast in bed -- nothing fancy, just cream of wheat and fruit, but still! -- only he’d foiled her plan by getting up before she'd finished.  And he’d acted normal with her... he gave her an opening here and there to talk more about things if she wanted, but he didn't push it.  She suspected he didn't particularly care to revisit anything himself -- at least not before going to work.  It didn't really feel awkward between them, and she was grateful for that.  The real test would probably be the next time they started messing around... probably not tonight, unless she wanted to hear Joel sigh in annoyance every time he uncovered a new bruise on her body.

And that was fine with Ellie.  She would be content with simply laying in his arms, just like she was now as she pretended to try to nap.  She wished other people could see them like this.  Like how Joel had reacted to her mortifyingly childish behavior last night... how sweet and patient and loving he was with her.  Then maybe they wouldn't think their relationship was sick and wrong.  But she also felt a sense of superiority over them... that even if they could see, they still wouldn't be able to wrap their minds around it... that they couldn't possibly comprehend something so wonderful.  _Nobody GETS me and Joel. **I** don't even get us, all of the time.  I just know that I love him and can't live without him and I'm so fucking lucky that he feels that way about me, too._

Christine and everyone else could just go fuck themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from... the band. The movie Joel was thinking of is "The Five Fingers of Death” – which is where the band’s name comes from, haha


	19. The Weight of Your Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from the Editors album. Also, their song "The Weight" is SUCH a Joel song, omg.

Joel didn't find out what the fight was about until the next day, and it wasn't from Ellie; when that girl didn't want to talk, she clammed up real good.  She hadn't wanted to talk to Tommy or Maria at dinner... or after dinner, as there were still other people in the house.  The 'Tuesday kids' and a couple of their parents.

Tommy tracked him down on the job -- and Joel had the distinct pleasure of being lectured by his brother twice in as many days.  Well, two and a half, going back to the night of the wedding, since Joel had managed to avoid a run-in with him the entire day, and Tommy hadn't actually gotten preachy at dinner last night, what with all the people in attendance.  He had tried to take Joel aside for a chat, but Joel kept him at bay with 'not now's and 'later's.  Now Joel was messing around with one of the sanders, trying to rig the belt -- which was way beyond needing to be changed out -- so that the goddamn thing would still run, when Tommy approached him.  "Can't your soldier friends get their hands on a new belt for this thing?" Joel muttered by way of greeting.

"Maybe.  Is it really shot?  Try takin' one from a--"

"Vacuum cleaner," Joel finished for him.  "That's where this one came from."  And one of these days he would have to track down an actual working vacuum cleaner for home, since they never signed up for Jackson's 'housekeeping services,' such as they were.  Joel didn't like the idea of people snooping through their house.  Ellie wanted to get the housekeeping just so they could pretend to be rich people with servants, like in the movies, but she hadn't put up a fuss when he'd said no.

Tommy frowned at the decrepit tool.  "All right, leave it alone an' one of the maintenance guys can work on it.  The Dewalt still run okay?"

"Overheats pretty quick, but it'll do."  He could supplement that with doing it by hand; the old-fashioned way really was the easiest sometimes.  Joel set the sander parts on the table and glanced at his brother.  "Thought you were goin' back out to the sister farm again."  _Or maybe that's what I wanted to hear, to make that 'later' even later..._

"I am," Tommy replied.  "Next shipment's come in by now, I expect."  He paused, like he was about to say something more.  Joel wondered for a moment if Tommy was going to ask him to come with, even though he'd made it clear he wouldn't go without Ellie, but nope, that wasn't it -- "Joel... did Ellie ever end up tellin' you what her an' that Christine girl were fightin' about yesterday?"

"Nope."

"Well, I heard it was about you."

"Me?"

Tommy gestured to a couple of nearby chairs.  "Sit down an' we'll--"

"I'm good."  He crossed his arms in front of his chest and regarded his brother.  "How was this about me?"

Tommy remained standing on the other side of the table.  "Christine was teasin' her about you an' she jus' snapped.  People are catchin' on... they know she's got a thing for you."

That... wasn't ideal, but Joel didn't see what the big deal was.  "So?"

"So... I really think you oughta consider... makin' some changes."

Joel sighed.  "You jus' said all this shit the other night, Tommy.  Nothin's changed in my mind since then.  That little fight don' change anythin'."

"Ellie messed her up pretty bad.  Other people might say things to her... she gonna keep shuttin' 'em up with her fists?"

"I don' know, little brother.  Maybe she will, if they don' learn to keep their goddamn mouths shut."  He wasn't thrilled that Ellie had gotten into it with that girl, but he couldn't help feeling defensive of her, especially with his holier-than-thou brother.

"Oh, that's jus' great, Joel.  Real civilized.  An' what'll you do if Ellie's the one who gets the worst of it?  Go beat up the person?"

"If the person's a man?  Hell yes I would."  He would probably kill the guy, and Tommy knew it.

"What if it's a boy?  A teenage boy.  Jus' some kid sayin' somethin' stupid.  Like kids do."

That was a little stickier.   "Then... Ellie could prob'ly kick his ass anyhow.  She can handle herself.  But if he hurt her... I'd at least have some words with him, sure."

"Words," Tommy repeated skeptically.

"...Might throw a punch or two for good measure," he conceded.

Tommy didn't like that answer, naturally.  "Say you get the kid shittin' his pants, jus' from threatenin' him.  You'd still hit him?"

Joel sighed again.  "I don' know, Tommy.  Maybe?  It depends on the kid.  I can't say for sure.  She didn't pull her gun on that girl, all right?  It was a school yard fight.  It happens.  She was provoked.  She knows it was wrong of her to hit the girl."

"Does she?  I ain't so sure about that."

Joel reckoned she knew it was _considered_ wrong by Jackson's 'non-violent community' standards, but that she didn't actually believe it was wrong by her own moral code.  She believed that Christine had gotten what she deserved.  Joel also reckoned he wasn't the right person to convince her it was wrong.  "Look.  She used to get in fights all the time at those schools she was in back in Boston.  Jackson's a little bit different from that.  Different environment.  But if someone gives her shit, an' she gets pissed off, that's the solution that pops into her head sometimes.  I've talked to her about it... several times, since we've been here... all she can do is try.  Try to go against her nature.  Or... her upbringin', I s'pose is a better word.  She likes it here, likes most of the people... an' I know she don' wanna cause you any problems, havin' to deal with this shit..."

"I know she had it rough." Tommy acknowledged _that_ much, at least.  "An' kids can be mean.  I get it.  I'm... not too concerned about one incident.  If it keeps happenin', then it'll have to be addressed.  As you know, we police ourselves here; there's no official law enforcement, so no official punishment.  We've never really had the need.  But the town's gettin' bigger, an' with more people... we might need to start considerin' somethin' more official."

Joel knew there had been a few extreme cases... an incident involving alcohol and a gun and some sort of confusion in a crowd that had led to Maria's father getting killed the year before.  That man and his family had left Jackson of their own accord.  Another had been thrown out for some sort of theft... breaking into the store rooms or something like that.  There was no jail, no revocation of privileges... the only punishment ever doled out was getting banished from the town.  If it was kids acting out, the parents/guardians were expected to keep them in line.  For the older ones, like in their late teens... maybe they weren't technically kids, but they were still _kids_ , and some of them -- like Christine -- didn't even have guardians.  More efforts were made along the lines of rehabilitation in those cases because no one wanted to kick a kid to the Outside.  On the whole, the townspeople didn't need law enforcement; Tommy or Maria could handle problems satisfactorily on an individual basis... so far.  "I can talk to her again--" Joel began.

Tommy held up his hand to stop that train of thought.  "I said I ain't real concerned about that.  I know Ellie's a good kid.  An' I doubt Christine'll be pickin' a fight with her again.  But... this crush thing..."

 _Here we go._   "Whatever people are sayin', Tommy--"

"It ain't jus' that -- I've seen it, too.  The girl _worships_ you.  It's like you're her... her everythin'.  Her whole world."

"Not true." _At least, I don't want it to be... for the most part..._   "She's got plenty of friends."

"She spends most of her free time with you," Tommy pointed out.  He wasn't wrong.

But Joel could still argue the point.  "She spends _some_ of her free time with me.  Some of it.  I encourage her to hang out with her friends... go to the movie nights at the library--"

"You might encourage it, but how often does she do it?"

"Plenty.  She don' spend as much time with me as you think.  When I was gone, she didn' fall apart, now, did she?"  Joel wasn't about to mention that he'd promised he wouldn't leave her again... that was as much for his own sake as it was for hers, anyhow.  Maybe more so.

"An' that was prob'ly good for her.  But then... you come home, an' it just..."

Joel glared at him.  "An' what?  You think I'm a bad influence?"

"No.  You're jus'... _there_.  Cuddlin' on the couch, holdin' hands... how is she s'posed to get over you when you're touchin' her all the time?"

Joel snorted.  That was exactly what he and Ellie had argued about when _he_ was trying to convince her she needed to get over her 'little crush.'  "The girl has never had any real affection in her whole life.  No parents, an' I told you Marlene didn' even introduce herself to her 'til she was thirteen -- then she was barely even around after that.  Hardly a real mother.  I also told you when I tried to withhold that... the affection... it didn' go so well."  Joel felt a twinge of guilt about throwing Ellie under the bus a bit there, but it was true, and right now, he could use every shred of truth he could conjure up.

"I know you two... are real connected," Tommy continued.  "I know you love her.  But you're the adult here.  If she's havin' inappropriate feelin's towards you..."

Joel didn't like the way Tommy was looking at him.  He could swear sometimes that his brother somehow just _knew_ what was going on.  But Tommy had no proof; whatever he may have felt in his _gut_ did not constitute proof.  "She'll get over 'em."  _Or get better at hiding them._

"How?  By meetin' someone else?  You won' let her date anyone.  Don' even pretend that you would."

"I won't.  She ain't ready for that.  She's... been through a lot.  Besides, ain't it better that she's attached to _me_ , as opposed to, say... someone like Max?"

Tommy chuckled.  "I s'pose.  I don' know if Max is even capable of that kind of attachment himself.  But then... I didn' think you were, either.  Anyhow, I don' see him... abusin' those feelin's, if she had 'em..."

"Is that what you think I'm doin'?" Joel asked angrily.  _Of course it's what I'm doing.  I'm a piece of shit._

"No, I wasn' comparin' the two of you, I was jus' sayin'... I don' see it happenin'.  But... you _are_ obsessed with that girl.  I think you _like_ that she has the hots for you."

Joel heard the challenge in that tone; he wasn't going to take the bait.  He just snorted again.  "Like I said.  Better me than some asshole that don't care about her.  So... in that sense?  Yeah, I don' mind one bit."

Tommy was studying him now like he was an insect under a magnifying glass.  "Some people are sayin' it ain't jus' her that's got those feelin's.  The inappropriate ones."

Joel sighed.  "An' you listen to them?  I thought it was jus' that one nosy busybody--"

"It's my job to listen to 'em, an' yeah, now it's more than jus' the one.  You ain't exactly distancin' yourself from her.  Maybe... maybe you're leadin' her on, an' you don' even realize it?"

He wondered if anyone had actually said anything to Tommy at all.  Maybe his brother had invented these _concerned citizens_ as a means to approach Joel about it under the guise of doing his duty as advocate for the townsfolk -- and to make Joel think that Tommy's doubts were widespread (and hence, more likely to be valid)... anything that, in Tommy's opinion, might make Joel more inclined to listen to him and heed his warning.  _Or maybe I'm just paranoid as fuck that he KNOWS?_  "What do _you_ think, baby brother?  You think I'm abusin' her?"

"No..." Tommy answered a little too slowly, with a little too much uncertainty for Joel's liking.  "I wouldn' go that far.  I think you're overly attached -- I've always thought that.  But, hell... in this world, you find someone you care about that much?  That's a wonderful thing... mostly.  But this young girl... she worships you like you're some sort of God, an' you have to find a way to handle it that ain't... I don' know.  I still think it'd be good for her to come stay with me an' Maria for a while.  Give you a break, if nothin' else."

"I don' need _a break_.  Whatever the fuck you even mean by that.  She's not a burden."

"Maybe not a burden, exactly, but... the pressure of... dealin' with..."

"There's no pressure.  I can handle Ellie.  It's not..." Joel frowned, trying to find the right words to placate his brother.  "Like you said, she's a good kid.  I realize that her... the age she's at, an' bein' attached to me, like she is... it makes me responsible for her well-being.  I don' take that lightly.  Maybe you think that's what I'm doin', but it ain't."

"I didn't say--"

"I know it sounds like bullshit, but there's things... about me'n'Ellie... people jus' don' understand.  We'll be fine, as long as we're together.  If Ellie outgrows me an' wants to spend more time with her friends... or with some boy, when she's a little older... I can accept that.  I won' hold her back.  Don' look at me like that -- I won't!  But pushin' her away, for her own good?  Can't do it.  It don' work, anyhow -- remember, I tried that already, an' she left town.  I can't--"

"Hold on, now -- that won' happen again.  Kids ain't even allowed outside at all for the time bein'."

Joel knew that if Ellie wanted out badly enough, she was so goddamn resourceful that she'd find a way.  He certainly hoped she’d never want to leave again; he wouldn't give her any reason to, if he could help it.  "If she's happy with me, with the way things are, that's her choice.  What good would possibly come from tryin' to put some distance between us?"

Tommy stared at him for a moment.  "Ain't it obvious?  If you don' push her away, where will you end up?  She thinks she's in love with you.  Maybe she'll... want to have sex with you, or--"

"Jesus Christ, Tommy, she's fifteen!"  Joel made sure that his tone and expression conveyed a convincing amount of outrage at such a thought.  This wasn't the time to work the after-what-she's-been-through-she's-pretty-much-an-adult angle.  He even started pacing a little, for good measure.  ...or maybe that was real. _It ain't like the conversation's not infuriating enough..._

Tommy seemed to be waiting for him to elaborate on that.  "Yeah, and--?"

"And..." _Keep it vague -- don't put words in his mouth..._ "She ain't gonna do anythin'... like that." 

If Tommy noticed that Joel didn't address the 'want' part of his statement, or that Ellie 'doing' something wasn't what he was implying, he didn't call him on it.  He took a few steps away from the table... not matching Joel in his pacing, just getting closer to him.  "You don' know that.  She's got... whacked-out hormones an' shit.  Say she did do somethin'.  Then what?"

Joel stopped moving right in front of Tommy, and stared at him hard.  "Then I can draw a line that needs to be drawn.  Not pushin' her away ain't the same thing as... doin' whatever the hell she wants.  Can't you see that?"  _...I just don't draw that line quite in the same place that you would, baby brother..._

Something finally seemed to click in his brother's brain, and Tommy visibly relaxed.  Moved in and clapped Joel on the shoulder, even.  "I'm sorry, bro.  God, I know you would never... I didn' mean to... imply that you'd..."

"S'alright," Joel grumbled.  He felt like the biggest fucking hypocrite to ever walk the Earth.  It wasn't necessarily a _bad_ feeling.  Once again, he was just doing what needed to be done.  He could justify pretty much all of his immorality that way.  It did get easier to bear, in time.  He'd thought maybe it would be the opposite, with Ellie... but as it turned out, it was still much easier to keep sinning than it had been to commit the first sin.  Easy as hell to lie about it, too.  Which was a good thing since Ellie wouldn't turn eighteen for another two and a half years.  _Christ, that makes me feel older than dirt_.

He should probably thank Tommy for trying to look out for Ellie.  If the tables were turned here, and Tommy was the object of Ellie's affections, wouldn't Joel be doing the exact same thing?  Except he knew that Tommy with his sky-high morals would never take advantage of her that way.  Motherfucker probably wouldn't even be tempted -- and not just because of Maria.  It irritated Joel that Tommy doubted him, even though such doubts were obviously well-founded.  _Yep -- total hypocrite_.

Tommy apparently believed him now, though.  For one wicked moment, Joel couldn't help imagining the look on his brother's face if he were to casually announce that now he _had_ to let Ellie jerk him off, because by not doing so, he was crushing her self esteem.  _"It's for her own good, baby brother -- not 'cause I'm a pedophile, see?"_

"You do what you think's best," said Tommy.  "People are always gonna talk.  Eventually they'll get bored of this an' move on to somethin' else.  But if you do ever need a-- okay, maybe 'break' ain't the right word... a breather?  Or jus' some time to yourself... 'cause I know you used to need a lot of that.  Jus' tell her Maria could use her help.  It ain't even a lie.  She still gets sick, an' she's tired... I don' want her to overdo it..."

"We'll check in on her when you're gone, don' worry," Joel assured him.

"This next trip is the last one I wanna make up there, now that Maria can't go.  I'll let Craig handle things from here on out, an' I'll fill his shoes here."

"Jus' so you can boss me around, no doubt," Joel said lightly.

"That's part of the appeal, sure."  Tommy grinned.  "No, seriously, I know you don' need the bossin' like some of the younger ones do.  I'll count on you to do a fair amount of bossin' yourself, in that regard.  Impart your wisdom to the younger generation."

"Always do."  Like with Lucas, the nineteen-year-old son of 'Skank #2'... or was it #1?  The one that wasn't Sophie.  Ellie had once tried to flirt with the boy to make Joel jealous -- it had worked, in a way, although neither he nor Lucas had known at the time what the hell she was trying to do (and Lucas still didn't know; Ellie said she figured he just thought she was weird).  Although Lucas was more interested in the engineering side of things than the gruntwork, the gruntwork was much more abundant, so he needed direction.  Not because he was shiftless or lazy or anything... just inexperienced.

"Well, I'll let you get back to it," Tommy was saying now.  "I take it no one's said anythin' to you, then?  About any of this... about Ellie?"

Joel scowled. "No."

Tommy looked at him and chuckled.  "Can't imagine why."

* * *

 

Dinner that night was at home, courtesy of Ellie.  Esther had eventually taught her how to make 'spaghetti' out of zucchini, like she had planned to that one night -- the night Joel had showed up after that eight-day absence and shot that plan to hell.  Ellie made the sauce, too (...out of tomatoes, thankfully, not zucchini).  It wasn't half bad.  More watery than the pasta sauce of times gone by, of course, but people had to be frugal that way now -- and his palate had adjusted over the years. 

Now they were all set to have a cozy evening at home, with Joel sitting on the couch and Ellie laying beside him, her head propped against his thigh.  Joel was whittling a chess piece to replace one that had gone missing from the library's set:  the black side's queen, which Ellie had guessed was a bomb the first time she saw it.  She continued to refer to it as such, even though she knew better now.  Ellie was reading her latest book... whichever one she was on in the _Dawn of the Wolf_ series -- which Sarah had liked as well.  Joel had flipped through random pages of the tripe before, trying to see the appeal... and he couldn't find any.  Possibly because he wasn't a teenage girl.

Before Ellie got too far into the reading tonight, though, Joel decided to try again.  "Ellie... you ready to tell me what that fight was about yesterday?"

Ellie groaned dramatically.  "Man, we made it all the way through dinner and everything!  I thought you finally stopped giving a shit about that."

"Of course I give a shit--"

"Well, you shouldn't.  About me, yeah, but not about that."

"I give a hell of a lot of shits about you."

"So romantic."  Ellie arched her neck to grin up at him.

He set his shit down and leaned back so he could caress her face, his thumb running lightly over her busted lip.  The bruises had deepened to a dark purple.  "Why can't you jus' tell me?"

"I just can't, okay?"  She slumped back into her reading position.  "Just forget about it.  Why do you wanna know so bad?"

 _Morbid curiosity, at this point._   "I already know the jist of it.  Tommy heard.  I'd like to hear it from you, though."

"What did Tommy tell you?" she asked... nervously.  Trying to be casual, but Joel wasn't fooled.

"Jus' that she was givin' you shit about your... 'crush'... on me."

"That's all he said?"

"That's all he said."

She relaxed a little.  "Awesome.  So Tommy thinks I have a crush on you too, huh?"  Joel didn't answer right away, and she snorted.  "Let me guess -- he already thought that?"

"He did.  Yes.  I didn' exactly... disabuse him of that notion."  Joel hadn't been quite that passive about it, but Ellie didn't need all the gory details.  "It jus' makes sense.  They see how close we are..."

"They?  Maria, too?"

"Sure.  What Tommy knows, Maria knows, pretty much."

Ellie laughed mirthlessly.  "This whole fucking town thinks I'm pathetically lusting after you like a loser.   You know who else thinks that?  Annie.  I admitted it to her."

"You did?"  He probably shouldn't have been surprised.  Joel smoothed her hair off her forehead... just an excuse to play with her hair.  "You didn't tell her..."

"The whole truth?  No.  Of course not.  I promised you I wouldn't."  She sounded a little miffed that he'd doubted her. 

"Thank you for that."  He tried to thread his fingers through her hair, but there weren't enough loose strands to do much of that.

"She felt sorry for me," Ellie continued.  "She thinks it's totally hopeless and that I need to get over it.  She said I could come stay with her.  ...  ...Oh my God... that's why Tommy wanted me to come stay with them the other night, too, isn't it!  Everyone wants to get me away from you!"

Joel chuckled.  "I'm the big bad wolf or somethin'."

"I'm so sick of it!"  She tilted her face up again.  "You know what I wanna do?  At the town meeting next week, I'm just gonna climb into your lap and start kissing you.  See what they think about _that_."

"Ha!  I guarantee you, they'd be havin' some loud thoughts about that."

"Wouldn't it be great?  Or even just at Tommy and Maria's.  You could smack my ass when I walk by or something.  Or-- I'll just start groping you under the table!  They wouldn't notice that, but it'd be fun."

Joel was actually a little surprised she hadn't tried to do that already.  Surprised, but grateful.  "Ellie, you've been really great about this whole thing."

"You really think so?"  She was surprised now, too.  And a little embarrassed, like she usually was when complimented.

"I do.  It... ain't the easiest thing, for me... an' you're jus' a kid--"

" _Young woman,"_ she corrected exasperatedly, lowering her head again.

"Young woman," Joel agreed.  He ran his hand beneath her head to tug some of her hair loose without yanking it, and fanned it back over his leg so he could play with it.  "It's a heavy burden to carry around.  An' to not even be able to tell your best friend..."

"It's not that hard.  Like you always say, it's better than the alternative.  We have to do it, so we do it.  Just like we always have, with... whatever."

"That's right."

"But... it's sort of unfair that everyone thinks I have a crush on you and not the other way around, don't you think?"

"It may be unfair, but it better stay that way."

Ellie sighed.  "I know."  She grabbed the hand that was toying with her hair, brought it to her lips, and started kissing the tip of each finger, one by one.  Joel thought it was cute as hell when she did things like that.  "It's so _stupid_ , though," she lamented.  "You're like the sweetest guy ever.  Totally not a pervert or sicko or whatever they wanna think."

"I ain't sweet."

"You're tooootally sweet.  And it sucks that nobody knows!"

Joel chuckled.  "It's fine with me.  Gotta keep up my macho image."

"I don't think you have to worry about that."  Ellie squiggled up to give him a quick kiss on the lips, then returned to her position.  "Cuz you're only sweet to _me_.  Just like it should be."

Joel didn't see the need to discuss his alleged sweetness.  He reached for the knife and wood again.  "All right, read your book now."

They hadn't even been quiet for two minutes when Joel thought he heard something outside.  He stopped whittling to listen harder.

Ellie only took notice when he stopped.  "What's wrong?"

"...Did you hear somethin'?"

"No.  Just the wind."  She turned a page of her book, completely uninterested in whatever the noise might be.

Joel was about to chalk it up to paranoia and resume his task... when he heard it again.  A little louder.  Voices outside -- too muffled to identify, but obviously human voices... like people arguing, not realizing they're getting louder as they try to talk over one another, or over the breeze rustling through the trees.  Ellie heard it this time, too.  She sat up abruptly.

He turned and parted the curtains just enough to see outside -- or try to.  The window wasn't exactly sparkling clean.  Still, he'd be able to see if there were people out there... and he saw no one.  "Stay here," he told Ellie as he swiftly grabbed the shotgun from the corner and strode toward the door.

She didn't obey him.  "You're going out there?"  She scrambled to retrieve the 9-millimeter and follow him.

"Ellie, stay inside," he told her again.  The sun had started to set, but there was still plenty of natural light to see by, so he didn't bother to grab a flashlight.  He opened the door and did a quick scan of the area before stepping out onto the porch.  "Who's there?"  He cocked the gun as he walked down the porch steps and around the side of the house, toward the source of the sounds.

Ellie was right on his heels... in her socks.  Didn't even bother to put her shoes on.  "Who is it?"

"Ssshhh--" Joel was listening again.  He heard receding footsteps to the west... not real close, either. _Damn!  they're already in the woods_. "Go back inside!"

"No!"

He wasn't going to win this one.  "Then... at least get your shoes on.  Hurry up.  And grab the key." 

She obeyed him this time.  He trotted around the back of the house while she did that... around the other side... no one there.  _Maybe it's better if Ellie does come with me..._ a host of possibilities flooded his mind.  Some of them too crazy to give a second thought to... others, not so much.  On the off chance that someone was trying to lure him away from the house, he would feel better with Ellie at his side, the house locked up.  If someone was hell-bent on getting in there, they could break a window, but he would take that chance.

As soon as Ellie came back outside, he motioned for her to follow him.  He thought he might be able to track the trespassers via a path of trampled (or at least disturbed) overgrown grasses, but assuming he was reading the trail correctly, it still only led him into the woods, where it promptly ended.  They could've gone any which way from there.

Ellie came up behind him.  "Which way?"

"I don' know."

"Who do you think it was?"

"...Prob'ly jus' some kids messin' around."  _What else could it be?_ Of all the things that had come to mind, that was the one that made the most sense.  The town was a veritable fortress.  There was always a chance someone could find a breach in the perimeter wall... that had never happened, or so Tommy said, but it _could_.  Although why the fuck someone would bust Inside and then target their remote little house... _unless they're Fireflies, maybe..._

Ellie was frowning.  "Why would anyone... you think they were spying on us?"

"Tryin' to, maybe."  That was the most logical explanation.  And he wasn't going to plant the Firefly idea in Ellie's head -- he'd told her that he'd killed every last one of them, because he'd wanted her to believe there was nothing to go back to in Salt Lake City.  It was far more likely that the trespassers were citizens of Jackson.  Technically, they weren't even trespassing; it wasn't like anyone _owned_ anything anymore, or that there were any legal ramifications for hanging out on someone's allotted property... eavesdropping, or whatever the fuck they were trying to do there.  "Come on.  They're prob'ly headin' to the street."  _If they're smart._

"We'll never find them then!" Ellie complained.  "They could just act all normal and we wouldn't even know it was them."

"Jus' keep quiet, keep your eyes an' ears open... an' we'll have a look around.  We might get lucky."

The wind didn't do them any favors, either... they would've had to get _really_ lucky to catch up to them at this point, not knowing which route they took.  _It's just kids being kids anyway.  No cause for alarm_ , Joel tried to tell himself.

When they came out the other end of the little forest between their house and the street, and not a soul was in sight, Joel figured he'd spent his... adrenaline, or whatever it was, and they might as well head home.

Ellie didn't like the idea.  "We're giving up already?"

"We don' even know who we're lookin' for, so we won' find 'em if we cruise the streets," Joel pointed out.  "If they went more towards the farm... maybe we could catch them, except we jus' gave them a huge lead by goin' in the other direction.  My bet is they've already blended back into the town."

She sighed.  "I guess.  Okay, well... do I still have to be quiet?"

He chuckled.  "No.  S'pose not."

Joel stayed alert on the walk home; he was always somewhat on guard when out and about, even in this safe town, but now he was more so.  It seemed that Ellie was, too.  "Do you think Clicker might...?" he asked her.

"I was just wondering the same thing.  I don't think so... he doesn't really spy.  He follows me if he thinks I'm upset, or if he forgot to tell me something, or... if you send him after me."  She smirked a little at that.  "But just like... hiding nearby?  When I'm at home?  That's not him.  And it was more than one person -- who else would be with him?"

The pitch of the voices had been... somewhat indistinguishable, but he wanted to say it sounded more like kids than adults.  One higher-pitched than the other.  _A woman and a kid?  Two kids?_   The lower one could've been a male voice, though... he wished he could replay it for analysis.

When they got back to the house, he started searching the area where he'd heard them.  He looked at the window, a sickening thought taking root in his stomach.  He searched the perimeter (no signs of a break-in), and even insisted on going inside first, just in case someone had managed to get through the locked door.  All for naught, but Ellie didn't even tease him about being paranoid this time.  Satisfied that they were alone, he turned to look at her.  "Go sit on the couch an' start talkin'."

"What?"

"Jus' go sit on the couch an' talk to yourself.  In a normal voice.  I wanna see if I can hear you from outside."

"Joel, you hear, like... way better than most people..."

"I'll take that into consideration.  Jus' do it, will you?"

"Okay..."  She humored him.

 _What the fuck were we talking about?_ Joel mulled over their conversation as he returned to the right spot outside. _How sweet I am?  That's pretty innocent._  But how long had those eavesdroppers been out there?  She had kissed him... could they see that through the drawn curtains?  The curtains weren't exactly made of the heaviest material.  Even so, it was just a peck.  Could've been on the cheek, for all they could tell. 

As for Ellie sitting on the couch, Joel could make out the silhouette of her head... but only just.  The sun had set almost entirely now, but there had been more light a little earlier, which would have made the silhouettes even less noticeable; the spies probably couldn't have seen anything very well.  That would’ve been easier if it had been dark, since there was a light on inside the house.

To his relief, he could hear that Ellie was speaking, but it was muffled enough that he couldn't make out the words.  His own voice carried farther, he knew, but... he hadn't said anything incriminating, had he?  He'd asked Ellie about the fight... told her she was handling things well, which was vague enough that it could pertain to any number of things... there was probably nothing to worry about.

But having their privacy invaded was unnerving, and he didn't like the idea of needing to exercise even more caution than they already were.  Little good it would probably do in the long run, but for his own peace of mind, he would have to add an extra step to his bedtime shut-down routine:  patrol the immediate area surrounding the house.


	20. Interlude

By the next day, Ellie thought her little lip boo-boo had healed enough to resume full kissing activity -- she'd been talking, eating, drinking, smiling, even yawning, without busting it open -- but Joel had wanted to give it one more day.  He had pretty much cooled it on all the sex stuff for the past few days.  So that she could heal.

...or so he said.  She wasn't _that_ banged up.  It was possible he just didn't want to let her touch him.  She felt a little bad that her wussiness that one night had made him feel obligated to offer that for 'next time.'  If she hadn't been all... uber-emotional after the drinking, she was sure she would have handled herself better.

Today was a mutual day off, and Ellie was happy to be home to enjoy a lazy morning in bed with him (complete with him singing the full "Good Morning, Beautiful" song) and then to 'help' him with his morning workout routine.  The town had a functional gym now, a few buildings over from the library.  Joel liked to work out there, too, but he didn't go every day.  At home in the living room, Ellie helped by sitting on his feet while he did sit-ups... laying beneath him as he did push-ups... that was her favorite thing, because it was a challenge for her to get him to do more than just give her a quick peck with each one, and a challenge for him when she would try to pull him down.  He couldn't do any real weight-lifting at home, but he would devise various exercises that used Ellie as the weight to be lifted -- like push-ups with her sitting on his back. 

She always wanted to exercise with him, too -- real exercise, not just the fooling around, being part of his obstacle course or whatever (although if she were doing _real_ -real exercise here, she would have changed out of her nightgown).  The stretching part was easy.  So easy that she couldn't even really count it as exercise, since no real exertion was involved.  Joel liked to remind her that when she got older, it wouldn't be as easy.  When she got to be his age... blah blah blah.  Sit-ups were kind of hard.  Joel wouldn't quite sit on her feet, but he would hold them down for her. 

Push-ups were the hardest thing.  She didn't have the upper body strength to do tons of them.  And if Joel was lying there underneath her?  Forget it.  She'd do one and then just lay on top of him, giggling through his teasing about her being weak... sometimes the teasing did spur her to work a little harder -- she just couldn't do it on top of him!  Way too distracting.  And, on occasion, she even got him to lay on top of her while she did push-ups, knowing full well she wouldn't be able to lift him.  This morning, he tried to tell her he was lying down with his full weight, but Ellie knew better -- because she could still move.  When she convinced him to truly do it, she hit the floor immediately, and he continued to tease her about being weak. 

It was so _fun_ doing all that stuff with him!  And although she'd worried that last night's spies might fuck things up for them at home, she needn't have; Joel had told her as long as they continued to keep the curtains drawn, it was business as usual.  No one would even necessarily realize they were home.  Because she had a dirty mind, she wondered if 'business as usual' applied to sex noises.  She wasn't really loud... but was she _too_ loud?  She almost asked Joel, but just couldn't bring herself to.  If she avoided asking about sex, she wouldn't have to hear the _"we ain't gonna do that anymore so it don't matter"_ reply that she felt so sure he would give.  Maybe it was stupid... but not knowing for sure allowed her to hope.

After Joel had done a set of... 'squats,' he called them, where he just went up and down while she sat on his shoulders, he ducked his head to let her slide off to the front, then flopped on the floor, rolling over onto his back.  She planted herself at his side, facing him, draping herself over his stomach.  He was breathing a little heavier than normal, but she'd seen him pant much harder.  "What next?" she asked him.

"Think I'm done, kiddo."

"Aww.  I wore you out already?"

"Yep."

"It's only like ten in the morning!  You can't be tired yet."

Joel chuckled.  "I'll recover."

"You used to be able to walk allllllll day long, and fight a shitload of Infected... and assholes..."

"That wore me out, too, if you'll recall."

True... she'd seen him look pretty ragged at times -- not even counting the injury that had laid him up for a while.  "Still, you were pretty tough."

"Well, I ain't gettin' any younger."

"You're still young!" she protested.  Honestly, she did think he was pretty old, but she tried not to look at it that way.  After all, if he was going to live another thirty to forty years (and he certainly would, if she had any say in the matter!), more than _twice_ as long as she'd even been _alive_ \-- that was a pretty long fucking time, wasn't it?  Therefore, he was still young!  Although Joel didn't quite share that view, and she’d found it wasn’t in her best interest to say anything that might reinforce the huge age gap between them.  "I'm keeping you young.  You said so yourself," she reminded him.

"You do make me _feel_ younger sometimes," he agreed... or sort of agreed.

"I think you've actually gotten younger since we got here."

Joel chuckled again.  "How do you figure that?"

"Because you feel better.  Right?  You're eating every day, and you're sleeping better, and you don't have to worry about me all the time."

He looked like he was about to say something... and then decided to say something different.  "You've been sleepin' better, too.  Can't remember the last time you had a nightmare."

She grinned.  "Thanks to you!"

"No, you were havin' 'em all along with me right there.  An' now... you haven't even started to have one, like when I wake you up before it gets real bad?  Not even that."

"Huh.  I guess it _has_ been a while."  Ellie never remembered those in the morning.  She just relied on Joel to tell her if it had happened.  And lately, she hadn't even thought to ask.  "Well, I still say it's thanks to you.  If I was sleeping by myself, I bet I'd be having them every night."

"You never give yourself enough credit."  He sat up, holding her in place against him, and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips.  "But either way, I'm glad.  I'm gonna go hit the shower."

"Okay.  Me too," she announced as he stood up.  She waited for the _"oh no you ain't"_ that she knew was coming.

He didn't say anything.  Just walked into the bedroom.

She scrambled after him.  "Joel?  I said I'm taking a shower, too."

"Mm."  He was looking through the bedroom curtains.  She'd caught him doing that a couple times today.  Just peeking outside, like he might catch someone out there.  The first time, he'd made a remark about the cloudy day, but he didn't bother with the pretense after that; it was pretty obvious he was thinking about last night.

"So... let's go take a shower!" she said brightly.

At least he seemed to hear her this time.  "All right," he said, letting the curtain fall shut.  He turned to look at her... perfectly nonchalant-like.

_Okay, so he still didn't hear me?_   "All right?  Taking a shower.  You and me, at the same time.  You said 'all right' so... so we're doing that.  Yep!  Can't go back on it cuz you said it was okay," she teased.

He just kept looking at her.  "All right," he said again, and this time she saw a hint of a smile on his face.

Ellie gasped.  "Really?  _Really?!_   Oh my God--"

"On one condition."

"Okay!"  Whatever it was, she could live with it!

"...actually, two conditions," he amended.  "One:  we're showerin', not messin' around."

"Got it.  Er... do you mean like, we can't touch each other at all?  That's okay, if... I mean, I just want to know.  So I don't mess up."

He came up to her and wrapped his arms around her.  Kissed her forehead.  "No, touchin' is fine.  But don' expect... to..."

"Just innocent touching," she confirmed, enjoying the hug.  "Maybe help each other wash a little?"

"Sure."

"Cool!  Okay, so what's the second thing?"

"Second thing is you finish washin' up first, an' leave me in there by myself for a lil' while.  At the end."

"Why -- so you can play with yourself?" Ellie snickered.  _Why else would he make that a condition?!_

"I don' do that," Joel replied, smirking a little.

"Ohhhh that's right, I keep forgetting!" Ellie played along.  "Hmm.  I know you like your alone time.  That must be it."

"That's right.  Every few minutes helps."  He kissed her nose this time.  "Might be the only time you get to miss me today, after all."

"And I will!  Desperately!  That'll be the longest five minutes of my life," Ellie declared, earning herself another little kiss.

"We have a deal?"

"Deal!"

Joel let go of her and moved toward the dresser, no doubt to fetch some clothes to bring into the bathroom like he always did, but stopped himself.  "I don' have to do that.  Neither do you.  We can jus' come back in here to get dressed."

"Good idea!" Ellie said happily.  It was really no big deal, but it felt like another teensy step toward being a 'real' couple.  A couple who could just casually be naked around each other.  She didn't know exactly how real couples acted, of course -- at least not in this context -- but she very much liked the thought.  It wasn't even a sex thing.  It was more like... just... the awesomeness of being _that_ comfortable with each other, because that was how close they'd become.

_Except we're not exactly comfortable right now!_   They stood there for a moment... almost awkwardly.  Like what-do-we-do-now awkward.  Then Joel started to strip off his tank top.

"Wait!  Can I do it?" Ellie offered, feeling stupidly shy for some reason; it wasn't like she expected him to say no to something she'd already done before.

He sat on the bed so she could pull the tank top up over his head.  He let her do that, then situated her between his legs so he could lift up her nightgown.  She helped him get that off of her, and he pulled her even closer, burying his face in her cleavage... or what passed for cleavage.

She couldn't really hug him the same way he was hugging her, but she could play with his hair.  She definitely felt less shy about being topless around him now.  His hands drifted to her ass, and she grinned down at him.  "We don't _have_ to take a shower.  We could just..."

"No.  We're showerin'." 

Ellie braced herself for the we-can't-do-that-anymore talk, but he didn't say anything else.  All business now, he stood up, gently moving her backward a little, and started to pull down his pants.

"Me!" Ellie insisted, putting her hands over his.  She knew that Joel seemed to consider even this simple thing a 'step.'  Maybe he was just uneasy having her hands so close to his manly bits?  "I won't molest you, I promise."

"Thank you."  He had that you're-so-cute look on his face.

_At least he's not ACTING like he's afraid of me..._ Ellie slid his pajama pants down, and he stepped out of them.  Then she placed her hands on his waist, tentatively.  It would take even more trust for him to let her do his boxers...

But he didn't stop her when she started to slowly tug them down.  She kept her hands way off to either side.  When she'd imagined doing this, she'd totally pictured an _"oops!"_ moment where she would accidentally-on-purpose graze his cock, and then he would get all turned on, and beg her to keep touching him.  _Yeah... reality is usually a little different from fantasy..._ she'd learned a while back that such little fantasies could backfire, but knowing so didn't seem to keep the fantasies from forming.  And not only that -- it just felt wrong to abuse Joel's trust that way.  To violate a boundary he'd clearly set and that she'd just reinforced.

Ellie also made sure to turn her head away while sliding his underwear down.  She felt shy about looking at him, even though she'd seen him naked before... _is it rude to look?  Is it pervy?_   She'd been topless around him fairly often when undressing for bed, and Joel didn't exactly avert his eyes from her nakedness, but he didn't stare, either.  He still seemed a little uncomfortable with it sometimes.  She knew he'd gotten glimpses of her... _down there_ (especially since some of her underwear had holes -- Joel called them 'peepholes'), and the other night, she'd been naked, but only in the dark.  When they'd eventually gotten up off the floor, Joel had fetched her nightgown and panties for her without turning the light on.  She'd never actually stood before him in daylight in all her naked glory.  With the curtains shut, it wasn't all that bright in there, but there was plenty of light filtering through... _and the bathroom light is bright as fuck!_

Even though she was all about respecting Joel's boundaries, Ellie couldn't resist sneaking a peek -- she'd already seen it before, after all.  Just a peek for like, half a second, hoping he wouldn't notice.  It looked a bit smaller than she remembered.  She knew why, but for some reason, it still surprised her a little... like she'd been expecting a fully-erect dick to spring forth as soon as she exposed it to the air.  Quite unbidden, Christine's stupid insults ran through her mind, accompanied by a flash of anger that Ellie stifled before it leaked onto her face; Joel was innocent of that, and she intended to keep it that way.  _And I'm not going to let that cunt ruin anything for me -- she obviously doesn't know what she's talking about if she truly thinks Joel's body is TOO OLD to look good -- or to work right._

He made no move to take _her_ underwear off, however.  She started to do it herself, thinking that would prompt him to take over, but he let her continue, and she didn't want to make a thing of it.

Now they were both standing there without a stitch of clothing on, looking anywhere but down.  Ellie promptly blushed.  "So."

"So," Joel agreed, leaning in to give her a peck on the lips.  "C'mon."

She followed him into the bathroom.  He reached into the shower to turn the water on, and she took the opportunity to admire his ass without him noticing.  It didn't feel quite as rude that way.  She made sure her gaze was at eye level when he turned around.  He pulled her into a hug, which surprised her considering their unclothed lower halves would touch...

He tangled a hand in her hair.  Kissed her shoulder.  "This is nice."

"Yeah.  I like this."  She started rubbing his back.  She could feel him, pressed against her like that... and it was thrilling that he would allow skin-to-skin contact there, when he... ... _is he hard?  Does it happen that fast?  Shouldn't I be able to tell by if it feels soft or... well... HARD?  I think it's still soft, then... yeah.  Can I ask him, or will he get weird about it? Or maybe he'd think I'm stupid.  Maybe he'd change his mind about showering with me. It’s better not to draw any attention to--_

He was already stepping into the shower.  "Joel!  The water's not even hot yet!" she chided him.  She'd taken enough showers to know how long it took the water to heat up here.

"That's all right... I'll let you know when it's safe for--"

She interrupted that notion by following him in there.  If he could do it, she could, too!  "It's freezing!" she yelped as she retreated from the stream, flattening herself as best she could against the wall with the fixtures.

"No it ain't," Joel said, laughing.  He slid the door over to close them in, then took her hand.  "It's gettin' warm already... see?"  He tugged her close to him.

She hugged him, letting the water (which was cool, at best... not warm!) pound her back.  "Warm me up, warm me up!" she pleaded, smiling up at him.

With his arms around her, he pivoted so that they traded places, and now she was completely shielded.  They barely had enough room to do that without banging into the wall or the door.  "Better?"

"Not exactly what I had in mind, but okay."

"We ain't in here for that," he reminded her -- but he did give her one little kiss before letting go.  "Washin' up only.  -Well, except..."

"Except?" she prodded eagerly.

"Except... if you feel like burstin' into song at any time, feel free.  Even if it's about sex."

She swatted him, but couldn't help giggling.  She was never going to live that down!

They washed each other's hair (Joel even squatted for her so she wouldn't have to reach so far)... then each other's bodies, passing the soap back and forth.  Thanks to the extra illumination in the room, Joel found a few new scratches and bruises he hadn't seen before, and he just had to ask her about each one as he washed them.  Ellie couldn't even remember how she'd gotten most of them.  She did like it when he kissed them, to 'help them heal' -- those were _mom kisses_ , according to Joel.  As magical as Joel's lips were, Ellie didn't see how they could cure bodily injury, and she certainly didn't need him to start seeing himself as her mother as well as her father!  But she thought it was incredibly sweet of him.

Aside from planting kisses here and there while he worked (in non-injured places, even), he was pretty business-like.  Even when he did her chest.  It felt nice, but not in a... omigod-I'm-so-turned-on-now sort of way.  It was just... _nice_.  And indulgent, even though she was returning the favor. 

His hand hesitated below her stomach.  "Do you want me to..." he started to ask her.

"I want you to wash me _everywhere,_ " she informed him coyly.

He smiled and let his soapy hand glide down slowly (though not teasing-slowly).  "You seem pretty comfy with all this," he remarked.

"I do?"  She supposed she was, in a way... when she thought about it, what was the big deal?  She and Joel were naked, touching each other.  But then, when she thought about it again, it was like... _Me'n'Joel are naked, touching each other!!!  -And his fingers are... THERE..._ it didn't feel the same as when they messed around on the bed, but it did feel noticeably more exciting than when he washed her hair or back or anywhere else.  She pulled his face to hers for a kiss, just a chaste one... followed by another... his hand drifted around to her ass, and for a moment, she thought he was going to pull her right up against him.  But he didn't, nor did he linger there.

_Will he let me return that particular favor?_   His ass, probably.  But the front...

Ellie wondered if she should ask, or if that would be pushing it.  She'd already soaped up his chest, but she started doing it again now to buy a little time.  "You've had sex in the shower before, right?"

He seemed surprised.  "Did I tell you that?"

"I dunno... maybe I just assumed you did cuz... you've had sex a lot?"

He chuckled.  "I don' know about a _lot_... prob'ly not compared to most people."

"Really?"  She loved how his chest hair seemed to get longer when it was wet.  The way it felt when she weaved her fingers through it. 

Joel was idly running his hands over her arms or her back while she worked.  "I wasn' married that long, an' I haven't had all that many girlfriends."

She wondered what was wrong with the women back in his time, that they could let a guy like Joel be single.  _Or maybe HE just didn't like any of THEM!_   She liked that version better.  It made _her_ more special, after all.  And it was more likely to be true, since those magazines had opened her eyes to how normal it was to be skanky back then.  _Not skanky, necessarily... try not to judge_ , she had to remind herself.  "So like... how many times?  More than a hundred?"

"Oh, easily."

"That's a lot!"  She laughed.  "I've had it zero times!"

"That will change," he promised.  At least, Ellie liked to think of it as a promise.

"When we have sex, we're going to do it hundreds -- no, _thousands_ of times," she declared.  She didn't like to think of Joel having sex more than a hundred times with anyone who wasn't her.  She would have to catch up to those bitches.  "And we'll do it in the shower."

"Shower sex ain't as glamorous as it might seem.  It's kind of... awkward, to be honest."  He grabbed her wrist, smiling.  "I think I'm good there now, thank you."

He let go of her, and again, she wondered... _oh, fuck it._  "Would it be okay if I, um..." She pressed the soap to his abdomen and slowly moved it lower.

"If you want to.  You don' have to."

"I want to."  Of course she did!  _Maybe that's why he agreed to shower together... it's a way I can touch him without it being a sex thing.  So..._ She glanced down for a second, then back up at him uncertainly. 

He heard the unspoken question.  "Easy does it... jus'... get some on your hands an'... do it that way."  He soaped up her hands, then guided one hand down underneath his dick, sliding it slowly upward.

She was about to ask him if she could look, but she could hear the Joel in her head chuckling at the dumb question... why _couldn't_ she look if she had to see what she was doing?  _Right?_   Not like she would know by feel alone.  And she wasn't sure she wanted to see the expression on his face, if her touch repulsed him.  He let go of her hand, and it just froze in place on the head of his cock.  "Um..."

"Pretend it's any other area of the body," he suggested.  "You're jus' washin' it."

"Okay."  Ellie was pretty fucking thrilled that he wasn't freaking out just having her hands on him.  She reached down with her other hand and found his balls.  _You're just washing the equipment,_ she said to herself -- repeatedly.  That did make it easier, somehow.  She made sure to run her soapy fingers over every inch of his groin area.  Through the mass of hair down there... up, down, around... _just getting stuff clean..._ She could almost forget she wasn't washing his elbow or something.

She could _almost_ forget... except that she was certain his dick was getting a little stiffer as she worked.  She could feel it!  And _see_ it!  For one crazy moment, she thought about kneeling down and kissing it.  Just a little love peck, not like, an actual blow job or anything.  _Would he be cool with it, or run screaming from the shower?_   Then Joel pulled her hands up, drawing her closer to him for a little kiss.  "You're cute.  Good job, kiddo."

_He's totally poking me now!_   "Why am I cute?" she asked, smiling sweetly.  She had an idea, but she wanted him to tell her specifically.

"You just are," was all he said.  "C'mon, rinse off..." She was already fairly well-rinsed, but he pivoted her so she was directly under the stream to quickly finish the job.  "Out you go."

"Already?  Aww, can't I stay and--"

"Nope.  Out."

"But--"

"That was the deal," he reminded her -- again. 

Ellie reluctantly slid the door open, stepped onto the towel that served as a bath mat, and grabbed another towel that she regularly dried off with.  She started toweling her hair.

"Out of the room, not just out of the shower," he said as he slid the door back over.

"God, I'm just drying off!  Gimme a minute!  But you know... if you let me stay in here, I--"

"No."

"I can't even see you through that... not-see-through door!"  She could barely even see his silhouette; the 'frosting,' or whatever he called it, was so thick.

"No."

"And I can't, like... _hear_ anything..." _...probably..._ She wanted to stay just to find out if she _would_ be able to hear it, actually.  She wasn't usually home when Joel showered.  It would have to be on a day off, like today.  Since their schedules usually aligned pretty well, she'd still had ample chances to listen in, and she'd never been able to hear anything from outside the bathroom -- but she'd also never known with absolute certainty that he'd be spanking it in there.  Until today.

"Out," Joel insisted.

Ellie almost yanked the shower door open to make a face at him, but... _what if he's already started and he gets mad?_

"Ellie!"

"Okay, okay!  Fuck, I'm going!"  She thought about simply opening the bathroom door and closing it again, to make Joel _think_ that she'd left... but, it was Joel.  He would somehow _know_ she was there, even if she stayed stone-statue-still and held her breath (and managed not to give herself away by fucking _hiccuping_ ).  One time, a million years ago, she'd tried to spy on him.  It was on their cross-country journey.  She'd been extremely careful in her movements, all stealthy and quiet and completely non-hiccup-y -- yet he'd still caught her.

Besides, he was just quiet in general.  For most of the time she'd known him, they were Outside, and she thought maybe it was because of that... but even in safety, it was like he still went about things in a manner that drew the least possible amount of attention to himself.  It was just so Joel-like to make sure that he wasn't louder than the running water.

Aside from all that, there was that whole... respect thing.  He was entitled to his privacy.  And, more selfishly -- Joel _noticed_ when she respected his wishes, and he loved her more for it.  He would tell her how mature she was, when really all she was doing was trying to act the way he wanted her to.  Hardly an accurate measurement of maturity.  Still, Ellie liked it when he thought she was a better person than she really was, and was quite willing to let him believe what he would.  _Yep, I really am just a selfish bitch at heart_.

In that vein...

...after she'd dried herself off pretty decently -- and it was Joel's fault she was dripping all over the carpet -- she hung out on the bed with the towel wrapped around her, and found herself wishing Joel would hurry up and come play with her instead of himself.  She'd been trying to be 'good' and not let him touch her anymore (not all that difficult when he wasn't initiating anything now), but... maybe she could make an exception this time.  He got to come in the shower, after all, and even if it wasn't her doing, an orgasm was an orgasm... _right?_ For a moment, she considered letting her hand go to work on herself.  _I'm horny enough, I bet I could do it right this time_ \-- _Joel and I could come at the same time!_

But... no.  She wanted _him_ to do it.  Besides, what if she started but didn't get to finish before he came back to the bedroom, and he could tell?  Or, even worse -- if she got all caught up in it and didn't even notice when he came back?  She'd die of embarrassment!

Ellie tried to imagine what he wouldn't let her see.  _Does he close his eyes?  What does he think about?  Me... it better be me... but me, how?  Doing stuff to him that he won't let me do for real?  Maybe he's imagining fucking me right there in the shower, and it's not awkward cuz it's a fantasy -- so it's nothing but HOT.  Does he start out teasing himself like he does with me, or does he just like... go for it?  Does he use one hand or two?  Does he do anything to his balls, or do they just kind of sit there while his dick gets all the attention?  Does he make ANY noise?  Does he try to aim for the drain?  He probably can't, unless he can get it to point down... it doesn't point down when it's hard, I don't think?  Can he bend it however he wants?  Maybe that would hurt... so does he shoot it on a wall instead, and then wipe it off?  Or NOT wipe it -- maybe I could find evidence!  I don't think he pulls the towel in there to catch it, cuz the towel would get soaked, so yeah, probably the wall -- oh!  Or he could wipe the wall with the towel!  I wonder if I could tell, by looking at the towel later..._

These little fantasies and musings kept her occupied until Joel eventually returned to the bedroom.  He just glanced at her and snorted... at her attire, she assumed.  Or, lack thereof.  She wasn't even naked; the towel covered all her naughty places.

"What?" she said innocently.  "I'm in no hurry."

He all but ignored her as he started dressing himself.  "I hope you know I'll never let you go to the library in that," he teased, his back toward her.

"I was trying to be nice," she pouted.  "Thought you might like seeing me... like this."

"I jus' saw you naked in the shower," Joel pointed out -- too sensibly for her liking.

"Fine," she said dejectedly, and she started to slowly roll herself up off the bed... taking her time to give him a chance to change his tune.

"All right," he said, turning around finally.  "Let's see you, then."

She rolled back into what she hoped was a sexy, alluring pose, on her side... but the towel started to unfold off of her body, and she had to re-tuck it snugly against her.  "Oops.  Shit!"

He descended on her swiftly, sporting that sexy grin that she loved, leaning over her in the push-ups position he'd assumed earlier.  "Can't deny that view."

"Hey, that's my line!" she laughed, tugging his face to hers and kissing him.  "You took an awfully long time in there, you know... and I know you weren't shaving or trimming or whatever cuz you just did that the other day for the wedding and you don't do it that often."

"Damn, that was gonna be my excuse." He grinned at her.  "No, it wasn't all that long.  Just a few extra minutes, like I told you." 

"Well, it seemed like a long time to me."  She kept kissing him, chastely at first, then relaxing her mouth just a little... "My lip is fine," she whispered, hoping it was true.  It didn't _feel_ like it was going to bust open, anyway.  She licked his lips.

"Gently, though," he cautioned, kissing her slowly.  "Jus'... sweet little ones."

Ellie was fine with that; she wanted to rub her body against his, and she could do that no matter the manner of their kisses.  She hitched a leg up over his hip and pulled herself up against him.

He retreated slightly, but she wasn't sure if that was because he didn't want them to be so close or because he wanted to paw at her towel... just enough to make it fall open at her chest.  "Oops," he said with another naughty grin.

She giggled.  "Hey, my 'oops' was legit."

"So was mine."  Joel had managed to get his jeans on before she'd distracted him, with no belt... and no shirt.  His bare chest against hers felt so good, Ellie pulled him as close to her as she could, happily smushing her breasts into his warm skin.  She didn't think he was hard, but he wasn't really letting her find out for sure.

"Mmm," she moaned softly into his mouth.  _If I can just grab him by the ass and pull..._

"Shit... you keep this up an' I'll have to take a cold shower..."

"Keep what up?"  She grinned, and he started to pull away.  "Noooo, don't!"

"Don' what?"

She pulled his face back to hers, his lips back to hers, his tongue... "Joel..."

"Hmm."  He was kissing her softly again, no longer trying to escape.

"Touch me," she whimpered.  "Please..."  She had decided it was sort of cheating if she asked him to (cuz it wasn't _quite_ as selfish somehow, if she didn't).  This time, she just _had_ to; she didn't think he was going to do it on his own, but he never rejected a direct request like that, and she was pretty fucking horny by now.

He ran his thumb over her lip, then kissed her chin, her throat... her neck... and his hand started to tease her.  The hot kisses on her neck made her melt, and her leg fell slack.  She kept up the soft 'mm' noises -- those weren't embarrassing.  The embarrassing ones happened when she came.  Joel insisted those were the best, so for his sake, she could stand to embarrass herself a little -- _except that was before those motherfuckers spied on us.  I don't think he'll mind if I'm quiet now!_

He had just trailed his finger up through her folds, eliciting a legitimate moan from her (not just another 'mm'), when he pulled away, and even started to get up.  "Well, we better get goin'."

_What the fuck?!_   "Joel!" She immediately gripped him by the shoulders to keep him from sitting up.

"What?" he asked -- all innocence now.

"Fuck you -- you can't just -- just -- you have to keep going!" she spluttered.

"Don't you wanna go to the library?"

"No!"  _How is he keeping his face so blank?!_   Now she was trying to pull him back down, and he was resisting her.  "I'll be quiet!  Was I too loud?"  _I'm being twice as loud right now!_

"No, I jus' reckoned that--"

"Well, you reckoned wrong!  Finish what you started!" she demanded crossly.

"What _I_ started?  I seem to recall--"

"JOOEELLL!"

"Damn, girl -- all right, if you insist..." He brushed his lips over her side in the spot he knew was ticklish, and she giggled.  His beard was actually more ticklish than his lips.  She didn't let go of him -- didn't trust him not to try to _stop_ again -- as he kissed over her tummy, her belly button... a little lower...

_Is he going to...?_

The thought excited her even more, if that was even possible. 

She did remember what she'd said the other night, but she didn't care right now.  She would _totally_ let him do it now.  ...if he felt like it...

_It's okay, Joel, go ahead..._

He paused there momentarily, but he didn't hear her silent encouragement.  He shifted up a bit, flicking his tongue over her nipple instead.  She couldn't blame him for not going there, given her prior reaction.  _Maybe he's waiting for permission?_   For as vocal as she'd just been when he nearly stopped, it was odd that she hesitated now... she decided it didn't really matter, because she was feeling pretty fucking good as it was.  His hand started massaging her inner thigh, and she spread her legs wide, squirming a little and resuming the 'mm' moans.

His talented fingers went to work, and she nearly jumped when she felt his breath in her ear.  She hadn't even realized he'd moved.  "You're so fuckin' hot," he whispered.

Ellie smiled, always pleased when he spoke to her in that way, so unlike his usual manner -- and pleased to be hot instead of cute or pretty.  _Especially cute_.  "Not me... you're the... mmmm... oh God, right there -- right there!  Yessssss..."  He sucked on her earlobe, and she was shivering and shuddering and bucking gently into his hand.  "Jesus Christ... Joel... you're amazing... mmmmmnnhhh... I love you..."

"Yeah?  You said it don' count if you say it in this situation."

"Well -- I still do... I love what you're... I'm sorry..."

"Sorry?"

"For yelling at you... when you stopped..."

He chuckled.  "I see.  Yeah, you should be.  My feelin's were real hurt."

Ellie giggled a little in spite of the ripples of pleasure flowing through her that were certainly powerful enough to extinguish any feelings of amusement.  "Joel... mmmmmmnnn..."

He slipped a finger (maybe two?) inside her then, making her utter an embarrassing whimpery-moan type sound.  "Ohhh God... harder..." She reached down to her crotch and took hold of that glorious moan-producing hand, holding it there while she like... _rammed_ herself against it, over and over.  Joel was trying to kiss her neck but she was moving so much... he shifted down to her nipple, sealing his mouth over it as she bucked and moaned and finally came with an _"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!"_ that was louder than she'd intended.

Joel left his hand where it was, gave her other nipple a sloppy kiss (for good measure, he would say), then kissed her panting mouth.  "I _love_ doin' that to you," he breathed.

She laughed breathlessly.  "Not half as much as _I_ love you doing it to me!  Holy fucking shit, Joel... that was intense!  But why did you let me be so loud?  You could've covered my mouth with your other hand.  Or with _your_ mouth."

"You weren't so loud.  An' no one was out there a couple minutes ago."

"A couple minutes?  More like... twenty minutes.  Or thirty."

"I jus' checked when I came back in from the shower, remember?"

She didn't remember.  _Guess I was too busy thinking about what he was doing in there!_

He nuzzled her neck and just lay there with her for a minute as she came off her... high, or whatever it was... then withdrew his hand slowly and dragged his fingers through her pubic curls.  The upper part, where it was dry.  "Good thing you got that outta your system," he murmured, "or you might not've been able to concentrate on chess."

"Haha, yeah!  Fuck.  And I _need_ to concentrate, since I suck so-- Joel, don't put those in your mouth!  Ewwwww!"

He sucked on his fingers noisily, smirking at her.  "Mmm."

She wrinkled her nose.  "Ick.  What if someone comes and talks to you, and they're like... 'holy shit, your breath smells like--'  Ugh!"

Joel laughed.  "Then they'll think I'm a lucky man."

"Eww -- no!  Go drink some mouthwash."

"You don' _drink_ mouthwash, you--"

"Whatever!  Just do it."

"If we got any left.  I forgot to stop by the warehouse again yesterday."

"I saw some in there still.  Or brush your teeth -- _some_ thing.  We should go get some before the library then.  So we don't forget later."  If the warehouse had any.  If they didn't, she'd have to hope that Max and company brought some back from the outpost when they returned in a couple days.

"Yes ma'am."

He'd started to get up when she remembered something and grabbed his arm.  "Wait!  What about you?"

"Me?"  He realized what she was referring to and smiled.  "I'm good."

He didn't have an _enormous_ bulge in his pants, but... maybe a little one?  She couldn't say for sure.  "How can you be _good?_   Cuz I _know_ you don't jerk off in the shower..." _Maybe it stays swollen after he finishes?_

"Don' worry about it."  He kissed her cheek.  "C'mon, get dressed."

"You said I could... I mean, you're not counting the shower thing, are you?"

" 'Counting' it?"

"Yeah, you know... like, for letting me touch you.  It sort of doesn't count."

"Well, you _did_ touch me..."

"But not the way you just touched _me_.  And... you _said_."  She didn't feel bad about being a little pushy now that he'd been cool with the shower.

He smiled a little.  "So I did.  Maybe tonight.  All right?"

"Really?  Not maybe," Ellie bargained.  "Tonight.  For sure."

"Tonight then," Joel agreed.  "Assumin' you're up for it."

"You mean if _you're_ up for it," she teased.

Joel started to answer that, but then seemed to think better of it and gave her the lame _"We'll see"_ reply instead.

"We'll see _tonight_.  What were you gonna say?"

"Nothin'."

Ellie groaned.  "Fine, be that way.  But... Joel, seriously..."

"...yes?"

"I'm proud of you."

"For what?"

"For the shower.  You did good."

He chuckled.  "I didn' do nothin'.  An' it's _me_ that's s'posed to be proud of _you_."

"Why?  Because you're _oooolder?"_

"Yes."

"That's bullshit.  I can be proud of you if I wanna be.  And don't say I'm cute because... I'm not being cute.  I mean it.  And... thank you.  You... um... thank you," she repeated dumbly.

"You're cute," Joel told her anyway, giving her one last kiss and caress before getting up to fetch some more clothing.

Ellie was reluctant to get up.  Maybe she'd make Joel dress her.  Or maybe she'd convince him to just spend the whole day in the bedroom with her rather than face that proverbial cold, cruel world... she giggled to herself at the thought.  She was just... so happy right now.  Whether they were messing around in bed or playing chess at the library, they had the whole rest of the day to spend together, followed by _'tonight.'_  

She certainly didn't mean to wish the day away, but she could hardly wait!


	21. A Rush of Blood to the Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Coldplay song.

Ellie knew something bad was about to happen.  She knew it before Joel even picked up one of his pieces.  With deliberate slowness, he replaced her horse with his on the board, chuckling at the outraged expression on her face as he scooped the white piece away.

"Joel!" she protested.  "You said you wouldn't do that!"

"No I didn't.  I explained to you why I couldn' do it with no consequences -- 'cause now, what're you gonna do?"

"Cry about my dead horse," Ellie said glumly.

"Knight," Joel corrected for probably the tenth time this game.  Ellie continued to call it a horse just to see how long he would bother to keep it up -- and actually, the piece _was_ a horse head.  No knight in sight.  Her moniker was better.

"Um... I'm gonna take yours.  With my pawn.  And then you'll prob'ly take that, too," she grumbled as she moved the pawn diagonally.

Joel studied the board for a minute before doing exactly that.  "Aaaaand... check."

"What?  You-- ...Fuck.  So... _fuck_.  I can't kill you."

"No, but you have two defensive moves you can make.  See 'em?"

Ellie identified them fairly easily, and she was trying to learn to look ahead and anticipate what he would do next -- play out the if/then scenarios that could unfold with each decision she made.  She didn't think she had the patience to ever be good at this game without Joel doing the strategizing for her.  He'd made it sound like he sucked at chess, back when he was first explaining it all to her, but from where she sat, he was an expert -- even if he still hadn't beaten Craig yet."So, I block you with my bishop guy, and then... you have to back off unless you want to lose yours, cuz if you kill me there, I kill you back.  Yeah, I like that."  She moved her piece.

As if it wasn't challenging enough just figuring out her moves, Ellie was also distracted by their surroundings.  It was early afternoon... not as busy for the library as late afternoon or movie time, but there was a fair amount of people milling about.  She didn't like the way some of them were staring at her and Joel.  It reminded her of when they'd first arrived in Jackson, over four months ago... people were naturally curious about newcomers, and as they speculated amongst themselves, rumors were bound to circulate.  Eventually, people who got to know them could sort out the truth, and those who didn't would forget about it anyway and move on to something else.

Joel and Ellie handled the staring and furtive whispering similarly to the first time around:  with glares.  Joel had advised her to be cool and just ignore it all, but he wasn't exactly doing that himself, so why should she?

"You're glaring again," Ellie told him.

"No I ain't.  That's jus' how I look, kiddo."

"Uh-huh, right.  Joel, sometimes the differences in your expressions are subtle, I'll give you that -- but I think by now I know all the different looks you have."  _Except for one_ , she thought to herself with a snicker.  _One that I hope to see tonight._

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing."  And she gave him her nothing-I-can-say-here look, which he knew well. Technically, she _could_ say it, as it wasn't clear what she would be talking about, but the rumor mill didn't need any more fuel, and the Scrabble players at the next table might possibly be able to hear them, if any of them were of a mind to pay attention.  "My face doesn't look _that_ bad, does it?"

"It's... pretty bad.  That one there's turnin' purple."

She had a bruise on her left cheek (also the side where her lip got messed up), and near her right eye.  That was it.  A few scrapes and bruises elsewhere, but nowhere in plain view.  "But big whoop.  I've gotten bruises at the farm and no one cared."

"Maybe 'cause they know how it happened?" Joel suggested.  "If it's really botherin' you..."

"No, I don't care.  Are you ever gonna move, or what?"

"Well, if you'd quit distractin' me by criticizin' how I look around..."

"You mean the deathglare you were directing at someone over there," she corrected him.  She glanced around the room herself while Joel studied the board again.  Christine wasn't around.  That wasn't a surprise; she didn't hang out there a lot anyway, plus she probably had her face all bandaged up and couldn't suffer the staring with the relative ease that Joel and Ellie could.  Annie wasn't there, either -- also not a surprise, as it was too early in the day, and more often than not, she chose to stay on the farm.  Clicker was there, playing on one of the computers... Sims, she would assume, based on which machine he was on.  She'd caught him looking their way a couple times, and he did wave the first time, but something about his smile was off.  He didn't look happy to see her like he usually was.

"Clicker should come over here," she decided.  "I told him I was gonna teach him to play some time."

"Ain't that like the blind leadin' the blind?" Joel said teasingly, though it struck Ellie as an odd thing to say.

"Um, we can both see pretty good... ?  Whatever... would you mind if he came over?"

" 'Course not.  Go ahead."

"I just need to get his attention..."

"Don't holler."

"I wasn't going to."  She picked up one of the pawns Joel had knocked off the board.  "If I chuck this over there to get his attention, think he'd be smart enough to bring it back with him?"

"No.  No throwin' shit, either."

"Not _at_ him, just close to him--"

"No."

"You know I have good aim -- I wouldn't accidentally hit him or anything."

"Jus' go over there an' talk to him like a civilized person, would you?" Joel said exasperatedly.

"What, and leave you alone with the board?  No way!"

"You really think I'm gonna cheat?" he asked with his legit are-you-serious look (as opposed to his mischievous are-you-serious look).

That _was_ actually more her style than his.  Except she would do it as a joke, then 'fess up to it once Joel noticed -- which probably wouldn't take long at all -- and return the board to its previous state after she'd had a good laugh.  Provided that she could remember where all the pieces had been, of course.   "No.  Okay, fine."

Clicker was absorbed enough in his game that she was able to sneak up on him and grab him by the neck with a _"Rah!"_ by way of greeting.  He was amusingly startled.  "Fuck, Ellie, don't make me shit myself!"

She giggled and pretended to sniff the air for signs of pants-shitting.  "Eh, you're fine.  So who are you playing... hey, is that me?  It is, isn't it!  I'm pregnant now?"

"That's not you."  Clicker deftly switched the point of view to another Sim, clicked on a couple other things that made them go away, and hit the "save" button.  "I was just going to switch houses anyways..."

It was totally her, Ellie knew.  She wasn't going to bust his balls about the fib, though.  _Good thing I was smart enough to hide the 'Joey and Melanie' Sims in a good place he’ll never find!_   "Dude, me and Joel are playing chess.  You should come over and we'll teach you stuff."

He glanced at her uncertainly.  "Um... maybe some other time."

"Oh -- cuz duh, computer time.  Well, when it's over.  You've been on this a while, so you can't have too much longer... ?"

"Ummmmmmm... yeah.  I dunno."

He sounded completely uninterested in joining them, and that just wasn't like Clicker.  "Are you in a bad mood or something?" she asked.

He was blushing a little bit.  From her seeing the Ellie Sim maybe?  He stared sullenly at the screen... looking like he was trying to think of what to say.

"Just come over.  It'll be fun."  She noticed him glance away from the screen, at... she turned in that direction and followed his gaze to a cluster of giggly young people -- teenagers, mostly -- in the music pit.  She turned back to him.  "Wait.  Is it because people are looking at me and Joel?  Cuz... yeah, I've noticed.  I don't know what the fuck people's problem is.  But since when do you care about people looking at you?  I mean... you sort of _live_ for it.  C'mon, you can like... take advantage of our fame..."

"No, it's... ...uuugghhhh.  Okay, I'll come with you.  Hold on a sec."  He shut down the game and left the computer on its home screen for the next user.  The people at the surrounding computers weren't looking at her at all.  In fact, it seemed to Ellie they were pointedly _not_ looking at her.  _Joel must have already glared at all these people_ , she deduced from that.

They'd gone maybe halfway between the computers and the chess table when Clicker blurted, "Do you know _why_ everyone's looking at you?"

"Yeah.  It's either one of two things -- the fight with the skank, or drinking a little at the wedding."  Neither was a good reason, but... people were dumb?  She'd seen Clicker since both of these had occurred, and he hadn't acted weird about it.  She'd totally had to downplay the crush-on-Joel thing, of course.  And just like the night he'd sort of caught them... he might not have totally believed her, but he'd certainly wanted to, and he at least _acted_ like he did.

"So... you--" He cut that sentence short. 

Ellie waited a couple beats.  "I what?"

He didn't say anything. 

She stopped in her tracks, and grabbed his arm to stop him, too.  "Dude, what's wrong?  You can tell me.  I won't laugh."

Clicker snickered a little.  "Yeah, you wouldn't.  If I told you."

"Okay, now you _have_ to tell me.  That's just cruel, to tease me like that."  She tried to keep her tone light and fun, tried to sound encouraging... but he was starting to worry her a little.

He sighed.  "I dunno..."

She noticed Joel watching them.  He was wearing his should-I-come-over-there look.  "Is it something you can tell Joel?  Or both me and Joel?  You know he's--"

"No!  No no no.  Like, _hell_ to the no."

Ellie shook her head slightly at Joel to answer his unspoken question and then turned back to the kid.  "Ooo...kaaayyy.  Man, whatever it is... just tell me.  I'm tough.  I can take it."

He sighed again.  "Dude, like... have you ever found out something, and you don't know if it's true so you kinda want to ask the person, but the person's a friend, and it's a hard thing to ask, so really you hope the person already knows and will just tell you themselves if it's true or not... or maybe lie about it, actually, so you still might not know... but, whatever, at least you wouldn't have to wonder if you're supposed to tell them or not?"

"You kinda lost me after 'have you ever.'  Can't you just tell me what it is?"

This time he groaned.  "People are looking.  I don't know if I wanna tell you, but I don't wanna keep talking out here.  We should go..." He looked around for a 'safe' place.

"Oh, I know -- the magazine room!  That's where I was when you were looking for me that one time and even _you_ couldn't find me in there, with your mad ninja skillz.  It's perfect."

"Er... it's around that corner, right?  Like no one would see us go in there?"

"Yeah..." Now he was really starting to worry her.  She hoped this was just some little kid drama being blown out of proportion.  Sometimes things seemed like a big deal to a twelve-year-old that were _so_ unimportant to older people such as herself.  "Go ahead.  I'm just gonna tell Joel real quick."

The kid practically started running, like he couldn't get away from her fast enough.  Joel quirked an eyebrow at her as she approached.  "Everythin' all right?"

"No.  I mean, I don't know.  Maybe.  I'm trying to get him to tell me something, but the way everyone's staring at me is like... making him not want to tell me out here.  I'm just gonna find out what's bugging him and then hopefully he'll be ready to come play with us."

Joel started to get up.  "I'll go with you."

_Ha!_   She'd be lucky enough if she could get him to tell her by herself -- and she was _easy_ to talk to.  Or so she'd thought.  "No, no... stay here.  Or, take a bathroom break or something?  Sorry."

"It's all right.  Go on."

When she got to the magazine room, Clicker was pacing and muttering to himself.  She closed the door behind her.  "Homie!  Sit down like a normal person and tell me what's up."  She took a seat at the table in the center of the room. 

He continued pacing.  "What if... you know that this thing is gonna hurt the person-- or, maybe not hurt, exactly, but upset... well, yeah, hurt.  And they're really better off not knowing.  But then you wonder, what if they hear it from someone else?  Cuz they might.  They prob'ly will.  And then it's even worse, cuz you did all this should-I-tell-them stuff and decided not to tell and then maybe the person hates you, too.  For not telling.  But when they know what the thing is, it's like--"

"Clicker!" she cut in impatiently.  "Will you just _fucking tell me already?!_  You're kinda driving me crazy here.  And sit down!  ...please?" she added a little more calmly.

He took a seat in the chair that was the furthest away from her and started fidgeting.

She waited.  He remained quiet.  "Okay," she said.  "I'm gonna do what Joel does with me sometimes when he wants me to tell him something that I don't wanna say.  Cuz you _do_ want to tell me.  You just don't know how.  Right?"

"No, I know how.  You just say it.  Say the words."

Ellie wanted to groan.  She wondered if this was what she sounded like to Joel when he was in this position.  Seemed like it was.  _I'm sorry, Joel, I won't do that anymore!_   "Okay, so... say them then?"

Clicker stared at his hands.

Twenty questions time (that was the appropriate number, according to Joel).  "Okay.  This thing you have to tell me.  It's something I'm not going to like.  It's going to hurt me.  Or piss me off somehow.  Right?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think I'm gonna get mad at you?"  She wanted to promise that she wouldn't, but she didn't like to make promises she wasn't sure she could keep, and she didn't know what the fuck his deal was.

"...No.  Maybe.  Well... no."

"It's not something you did?  Or said?"

"No."

"It's... something to do with me, though."

"Yeah."

"Me... and Christine?"

"No."

"Me and Joel?"

He nodded... looking absolutely miserable.

"I already know people are talking shit.  We talked about that already.  Right?"

"No.  It's not just cuz--" He sighed.  "You _don't_ know why people are looking at you.  I can tell that you don't."

"So... tell me.  Pleeeeeease just tell me.  I promise you, I can handle it.  I know people are saying nasty things.  Like they have nothing better to do than--"

"It's not just something they're saying!"  He seemed annoyed that she didn't magically know what he was talking about.  Again, it struck her that she must sound the same way to Joel when he was the inquisitor -- unfair as it was, she could remember being annoyed at him for not knowing what she wouldn't say.

"Then what the fuck _is_ it?"  She got up and moved to the chair directly across from him.  Thought about taking his hand, but then decided that would be a little weird; she couldn't do _every_ thing the Joel way here.  "If it's not what they're saying..."

"It's... what someone saw."

_OH SHIT.  Be cool, Ellie..._ but who the fuck could have seen anything?  They were so fucking _careful_.  "Okay.  What _who_ saw?" She was surprised at how calm she'd managed to sound.

"I don't know.  I seriously don't know, Ellie, I swear."  He looked at her earnestly, like he really wanted her to believe him on that.

"Okay.  So... you heard it from someone?  Who heard it from someone who heard it from someone else and no one knows anything so really it's just people talking shit, still.  Right?"  Or so she desperately hoped.

"Um, well... could be.  Yeah, it could be."

"Who did you hear it from?"

"Alyssa."

Alyssa... the little girl he'd been dancing with -- and Jacob's twelve-year-old sister.  "And she heard it from Jacob, right?  Dude, you know he hates me.  He's prob'ly spreading all kinds of lies about me."

"No, not Jacob.  Rainne."

Alyssa's best friend.  She was like twelve or thirteen, too.  Ellie sighed.  "And she heard it from...?"

Clicker shrugged.  "No one will say who saw it cuz... of Joel, prob'ly."

"What, like... they're scared of him?"  Even though Ellie was the one who was more likely to go kick their ass than Joel was, if it was someone her age or younger.  "Okay, so... what are they saying this person saw?"

He was totally blushing now.  She felt a little sorry for him... but she _had_ to know.

"You said it's about me and Joel?  So... someone says they heard us-- _saw_ us.  Whatever it was, it's nothing for you to be upset about.  Okay?  It's like... when me and Joel were playing that game, and you saw us."  Ellie could have kicked herself for bringing that up, because she wanted him to forget all about it, but too late now.  She felt the heat rushing to her face.  "You totally got the wrong idea.  It was just a misunderstanding."

"I... don't know how this would be a misunderstanding."

"Then it's someone making shit up, Clicker.  It has to be.  Because... there's nothing you should be upset about," she repeated lamely.

"Yeah... okay.  Let's go play chess?"

Ellie snorted.  "Not so fast.  You still have to tell me what they supposedly saw."

"But you said it's just people talking shit, so.  Yeah.  Just lies."

"I don't fucking know what it _is_ , though.  You can't leave me hanging.  Don't I deserve to know what everyone's saying behind my back?  Isn't that why you wanted to tell me in the first place?" she prodded gently.

He nodded.  Stayed quiet.

She wasn't about to start laying out all the possible scenarios that could occur between her and Joel that someone could _misinterpret_.  "Dude... just say it real fast, that way you talk sometimes.  Just get it out."

" 'kay."  He still sat there quietly for another few moments, somberly... like he was summoning courage... then he squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath.  "Someonesawyou-- theysaidyou-- theysawyou--" He cut himself off with a nervous laugh, opening his eyes but not looking at her.  "I can't even fucking tell you that way."  Before she could sigh in exasperation, he continued.  "They saw you, ummmmm..."

"Me and Joel?"

"You.  They saw you.  And him, but you... you were... doing something."

"Doing _what?"_

"...to Joel."

" _To_ him?" she repeated, willing her guts not to go all twisty inside her as her mind raced to fill in the blanks.

Clicker was staring hard at his fidgeting hands.  "Yeah.  Um... giving him... doing something to him."

"Giving him...?"  She wasn't going to fill in that particular blank out loud, but she had a sick feeling she already knew.

He glanced at her.  Glanced away.  Glanced at her again.  "Yeah.  That.  What you're thinking."

She couldn't bring herself to say it.  "How do you know what I'm thinking?" she all but whispered.  "I'm thinking lots of things here.  Help me out." _Please let this be more innocent than it sounds..._

Clicker rotated his thumbs, one around the other, over and over, and stared at them like it was somehow a mesmerizing sight.  He went quiet again.

"Pleeeeeease just tell me," she begged.

"I'm trying!"  He kept his eyes on his hands.  "So... okay, well, it's... a bad thing that... not _bad_ , but it's bad for a girl to do it to her dad.  It's... something she'd maybe do with a boyfriend.  Or someone she liked.  Liked in a... _not-_ like-a-dad way."

Somehow she had the presence of mind to realize that it would sound suspiciously defensive if she pointed out here that Joel was not actually her dad.  _I kissed Joel on the farm that one day, really quick... but that was AGES ago.  Why would it be a thing now?  Still, it's better than..._ "So... kissing him.  Daughters do kiss their fathers, you know.  You've seen that here... with other families, like..." She let that lame 'wishful thinking' attempt fade away as he slowly shook his head.

"Not-- not kissing.  Er... at least, not... on the mouth... you get what I'm saying now?" He squinted at her, cringing, like he expected her to explode or something.

_Someone saw me giving Joel a blow job?!_  Ellie was speechless.  There was no way that anything she and Joel had done in public could be misconstrued as... _that_.  Even if someone could see them in their house, there was nothing like that -- nothing that could make them think--

"And then, you know, people have to add to it," Clicker continued, seeming quite relieved to have gotten past having to spell out the details for her.  "I know that part's not true.  At least... I'm pretty sure it's not."

"None of it's true," she said, amazed again at how calm she could make herself sound.  She could keep the rage simmering beneath the surface for now... could go scream _after_ he told her everything.  "I've never done that, dude, I _swear_ to you."

He gave no reply to that. 

_Is that how red I get when I blush?!_ she wondered.  "I swear on my life.  On Joel's life.  On the life of everyone who ever--"

"Okay, I believe you!"

"...and the other stuff you said you know isn't true?  What is it?"  And he hadn't even been a hundred percent certain of that, whatever it was... _How the fuck can it be worse?!_

"You don't want to know.  Pretend I didn't say that."  He looked sheepish.

"Clicker!  What the fuck is it?!  Tell me!" she fumed -- still rather calmly, considering the bullshit he was spewing.

"I mean... like you already know, people are saying... things.  Like how Christine must've said something bad that pissed you off.  I know that part's not true, but I think some people believe it.  Or they just like to believe the worst about people, know what I mean?  Like that's more... _fun_ , or something."

He was right before -- she kind of didn't really want to know.  But it would gnaw at her, the way secrets had a way of doing... especially the bad ones.  The way he seemed to be dividing shit into parts and trying to decide what might and might not be true was... annoying.  Hurtful, actually.  "What _worst_ do you think... _?_ And what do you mean that part's not true?  She _did_ say shit that pissed me off."

Clicker was looking at her now... eagerly.  "Yeah -- and you never told me what it was.  What did she say?"

Ellie was sure her whole face must be as deep a red as her bruises by now.  _Not like it matters -- who WOULDN'T blush, hearing that shit?_   "She was just being mean," she said unhelpfully.

"How?"

She knew he was hoping she would say something that would exonerate her from whatever it was he wouldn't tell her.  _Fuck!_   Still, she just... _couldn't_.  "It doesn't matter!  What the fuck are people saying?  The whole truth.  Please... I have to know."  She looked at him beseechingly.  "Just tell me and I'll never ask you about it ever again, I swear."

Clicker shifted a little in his seat -- actually looking even more uncomfortable than before.  "Just that... er... Joel makes you.  And stuff.  That he's just--"

"Okay, stop -- I _don't_ want to hear that fucking bullshit," she said -- still calmly, but with a quiet anger lacing the words.  She felt like she'd been punched in the gut, and it hurt worse than any physical punch.

Now that she wanted him to shut up, Clicker seemed to want to talk.  "Well... you should also know... the other side of that is... you know.  That you're a... a... errrm... how you... _like_ to, and... all that."

_Un-fucking-believable!_   Ellie slumped back in her chair and let the lies sink in.  Or, tried to -- Clicker didn't really give her a chance to think.

"Are you mad?" he asked meekly.

"Of course I'm fucking mad!  God, I could just -- _kill_ whoever--"

"I mean, are you mad at _me_."

"No.  I'm not.  Unless you believe any of that horseshit."

"I don't!  And I tell them they don't know shit if they say-- I mean, I don't _listen_ to... I almost got in a fight.  Over that."

He seemed a bit proud of that.  Like he wanted a fucking medal or something.  She snorted.  "So... guys are gonna come ask me for favors now, huh?"

"Uh.  If they do, I hope you kick their asses," Clicker said solemnly.

Ellie was just... bewildered.  "How could someone say they _saw_ it, when we've never... I've never..."

"I guess like... cuz people were saying stuff after the wedding, about you guys, and then you and Christine were fighting about it, and some of them wanted to find out the truth, and they spied on you.  At your house.  They saw you... on the couch last night."

Ellie gasped.  _Those dickweeds that ran away last night!_  "We were on the couch, yes.  Like, sitting there.  I was reading a fucking book!  He was working on-- he made that chess piece!  He finished it, it's on the board now, I'll show you --  we weren't fucking _doing_ anything like--"

"Okay!  I said I believe you!  Don't kill the messenger!"

Ellie put her head in her hands and rubbed her temples.  _Okay, fucking THINK, Ellie.  You can't just go out there and SHOOT all of their stupid laughing faces.  And Joel... oh God, you can't tell Joel!_ But how could she not?  She couldn't just pretend that she hadn't heard all this. 

If the tables were turned, Joel could.  But he was definitely better at keeping secrets from her than she was from him.  _He said people would think he was a bad guy if they knew... is this what he meant?  He didn't say they'd think that about me, too.  So if we do sexual things like ANY OTHER COUPLE might do, there's something wrong with us?  We're sick fucks because we LOVE each other?_

"Are you okay?" Clicker asked feebly.

She didn't answer.  Because she was trying to fucking _think_.

The worst thing about it was that it was so... _completely_ opposite of the truth, when it came to Joel.  If they wanted to think shit about her, well... fine -- if they felt like there was something wrong with her for loving Joel, for enjoying being close to him that way... that was their opinion.  A _wrong_ fucking opinion, but still.  What she _really_ couldn't stand was for someone to believe that Joel -- her sweet, loving Joel who was so concerned about taking advantage of her or somehow fucking her up that he wouldn't even let her do stuff with him that she really _really_ wanted to do, stuff that _she_ was always trying to talk _him_ into doing... _how can they think for one second he would ever FORCE me to do it?!  If anything, it's the other way around!_ Just this morning, he wouldn't have even touched her if she hadn't followed him into the shower and then... _God, he wasn't looking to do ANYTHING sexual, and I made him.  Twice, if you count when he stopped and I whined and-- no, he was just being a dick to be funny, that doesn't count.  Whatever -- obviously **I** am the pervert here, not Joel!_

"I don't believe any of it," Clicker reassured her.  "I told Alyssa it's not true.  I'll go out there and tell all those dumbasses out there it's not true.  I'm gonna go do that right now."

He hopped up out of his chair, and that snapped Ellie out of her thoughts enough to stand up, too.  "No, don't."  _I should do that myself.  Right?  Or just ignore it?  I need to fucking find out who started that stupid fucking rumor and bash their fucking FACE in.  Or... JUST IGNORE IT?!  I don't know if I can do that.  I want to ask Joel what to do, but... I want to protect him from this.  CAN I protect him from this?  Is it just stupid kids spreading stupid lies, or is some adult gonna believe it and feel like they have to DO something about it?_ Joel always cautioned her about that, and she'd gotten a taste of it herself when she'd mistakenly led Max to believe that Joel was abusive to her, before they had even so much as kissed.  How had Max put it... _"Other living arrangements can be made..."_

No, that wasn't going to happen.  No fucking way. _No, Joel would never let that happen!_

"I don't care if they laugh at me," Clicker was saying, bringing her attention back to him again.  "Or say stupid shit to me, or... act like asshats... whatever they're gonna do.  It's fucking bullshit."

"You seem more pissed off now than before," Ellie observed.

"I guess cuz... I was weirded out before?  But obviously it's all lies, and it sucks that people are such douchebags."

_He wasn't sure if it was true before_ , Ellie realized.  That one night had planted the seed of doubt, and maybe other people had picked up on that when they talked to him.  But now that Clicker had talked to her, and she hadn't said anything along the lines of _"well, sure, I blow Joel every night, what's the big deal?"_ \-- now he didn't believe the rumors.  She felt a twinge of guilt about that, because it wasn't quite as _not_ true as she made it seem. _Except it's not!  The nasty crap that makes us out to be sickos is all lies!_   "Whatever.  Assholes are assholes.  My real friends -- like you -- will at least ask me if it's true instead of spreading crazy stories behind my back.  ...I think I have to tell Joel," she added as the truth of that statement dawned on her.  She didn't want to, of course, but considering how many people were flapping their lips about it, he was going to hear it somehow, and he had to be prepared.  More prepared than she had been.

Clicker looked horrified at the idea, though.  "What if he goes batshit?"

Ellie snorted.  "What's he gonna do, go beat up everyone in the library?  ...I wouldn't mind that, actually.  Maybe I'd help him."

"No, you guys can't -- they kick people out for stuff like that!"

"Then we'll just go home."

"I mean out of Jackson, not out of the library!"

_Out of Jackson... away from all their fucking malicious lies..._ "Yeah, well, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing."

She didn't think Clicker could look any more horrified than a few moments ago, but somehow he managed to.  "No, you can't _leave_ , just cuz some people are idiots!  Who's gonna teach me how to fight, and... throw water balloons at me that actually hurt... and play the Wii with me?"

In spite of the layers of shit that had just been heaped on her, Ellie had to smile at these alleged reasons to not leave Jackson.  She wished the other boys around Clicker's age weren't such asswipes.  But, since they were, most of his friends were girls, and they weren't as tomboyish as Ellie.  "Dude, plenty of people.  Er... the Wii part, at least.  I know you play with other people!  We're not going to get kicked out, though.  Joel's not as mean as he looks.  You know that.  But... I'll at least tell him outside or something.  Just in case.  Come on."  She walked to the door and then turned around to look at him.  He was right behind her.  "And thank you.  Really.  Who knows how long I would've gone on, not knowing."

He looked embarrassed but pleased.  "No biggie."

Telling Joel was not going to be fun.  She figured she'd just tell him the base of the rumor -- the blow job thing.  He didn't need to know the accompanying speculation.

As she was walking back towards the chess table, Clicker in tow, she couldn't resist glancing around the place, especially in the music area.  No one was looking at her now.  Maybe it really wasn't all that big a deal...

But then one of the teens took notice of her and Clicker, made some remark to his neighbor, and everyone in their little group laughed.  Now that she was armed with the rumor knowledge, Ellie could imagine what they were saying.  She didn't even try to tell herself to just ignore it; the rage was escalating from simmering to boiling.  "Dude, go hang out with Joel for a sec.  I'm gonna go... have a word," she added, borrowing Joel's phrase.

"Me too!"

"No.  Just go keep Joel distracted or something.  Don't tell him anything."

Clicker laughed without humor.  "Are you kidding?!  I could barely even tell _you_ , and he's like... a million times harder."

"Okay, good.  Go."  He dutifully headed over to the chess table.  Ellie had glanced over there just long enough to know Joel was there waiting for her, but she didn't want to exchange looks with him now that she was all fired up.  He always kept an eye on her (an extremely overprotective eye, not that Ellie minded), but he generally let her interact with her peers without interference on his part.

Unless she made a scene; then all bets were off.  _Keep cool, Ellie..._ She walked quickly and confidently over to the pit.  She wasn't going to hang her head in shame and scuttle around like a timid little mouse.  After everything she'd been through, a few laughing idiots were _nothing_.  There were some mutterings of _'uh-oh, here she comes'_... idiots poking each other... all eyes on her now.  Someone turned off the CD they'd been listening to.  There were six of them there, ranging in age from thirteen to like twenty or twenty-one.  If only her fucking face wasn't so hot!  But by this point, the red was probably more from anger than from blushing.

She allowed herself a wicked little fantasy of stopping where she was and tossing a nail bomb right in the middle of them.  Or maybe a Molotov.  _Yes!_  She imagined their sorry asses going up in flames... how their mean little whispers would transform into screams of agony... maybe they'd beg her to help them...

_How fucked up is it that THAT is a more pleasant fantasy than doing it to fucking infected?!_   Maybe there really _was_ something wrong with her.  _-Of course there is.  Always has been.  But loving Joel is NOT part of that.  That's the best thing I've ever done!  And these fuckheads want to take that away from me!  Take HIM away from me, if this goes far enough..._ anyone who tried to do that was just as much her enemy as the infected, as far as Ellie was concerned.

Even if she really did want to blow up her more insidious enemies here, all her shit was at home.  So instead, she stood in front of the assholes, towering over them (for a change), as they were all sitting either in the 'pit' or on the two levels that outlined the little square and led down into it.  The broad steps served as backrests for whoever wanted to lounge there by the stereos.  "Okay, so... I know you guys are spreading lies about me.  What I wanna know is who started it?  Who says they saw me?  Because that person is a _fucking liar_ , and... and I need to talk to them."  She looked at each of them in turn.  Most seemed to be trying to look innocent.  One was barely concealing a smirk.

"Was it you, Cedric?" she asked the thirteen-year-old (and she thought it was extraordinarily civil of her not to use her Asswipe #2 nickname there).

"No," he said quickly.  He actually made eye contact, too.

_Doesn't mean anything -- Joel can lie while looking a person in the eye, too._   Ellie snorted.  "Well, since you're A.J.'s bitch -- was it him?"

"I'm not anyone's bitch, you bitch!" he scowled.

_Yes, how original, call me what I just called you.  You're so clever._  Ellie scowled right back.  "Was. It. _HIM,"_ she repeated slowly, as if he was too thick to get it.

"No!"

"Then who was it?"

"I don't know!  He's the one who told me and he doesn't know who saw it, either."

"Ellie, none of us know who saw it," said one of the girls.  A pretty girl named Nicole.  Someone Ellie barely knew.

"Oh good, you've already compared notes, then.  Well, someone started this bullshit.  If no one knows who supposedly saw it, someone's lying.  Maybe _all_ you guys are lying.  Covering for someone?  Obviously this person is a coward or they'd make themselves known."  No doubt they were more afraid of Joel than of her, even after the Christine thing... but whatever.  _We're a package deal, anyway!_   She glared at one of the boys -- the younger of the Justins in town.  Tara's Justin, although Tara wasn't present.  "Let me guess -- you heard it from Tara?  And she doesn't know either?"

"She doesn't believe it," Justin said nobly.

"None of us believe it," added another girl -- Karen.  Karen, who had been so nice to her at the wedding.  Now sitting around with the others, laughing, calling her a slut and Joel a pervert and who the fuck knows what else.

"Right.  You'll just sit here and talk shit behind my back anyway?  How classy."  Before the girl could produce some fake protests, Ellie turned her glare on Olivia -- the oldest in the group, and Christine's roommate.  "Guess I can't blame _you_ for not saying it to my face... how _is_ your skanky friend, anyway?"

Olivia held up her hands in a gesture of surrender.  "Hey, I am staying _out_ of you guys's teenage drama, okay?"

"You're fucking sitting here with them -- I wouldn't say you're _out of it_.  Christine's prob'ly the one who started this!"

"It wasn't her!  Seriously, she like never leaves the house now, thanks to you."

"Not my fault she's too vain to show her ugly face."  And _fuck_ , it had only been a couple days since the fight -- _'never' leaves the house... pfffft, whatever!_   Ellie looked at each of them, her brain scrambling to find the right thing to say. 

Something Joel had said a while ago came to mind... something he'd said before they were even together, about how they didn't need to defend themselves when they'd done nothing wrong.  And explaining her relationship with Joel was literally impossible -- even without the sex stuff.  "Okay, so, none of you has the balls to tell me who it was.  That's fine.  Be a bunch of pussies.  But it'd be nice if you didn't spread around this nasty shit about me and Joel.  If you can't do that... go fuck yourselves."

Not exactly a creative or inspired ending to the conversation, but Ellie felt a little better now... maybe her blood was still boiling, but the pot wasn't going to boil over.  Now, at least these six people knew she wasn't cowering in shame or whatever.  These six, plus perhaps a few others in earshot.  Let them spread _that_ around.  As she started walking back over to the chess table, wondering how the fuck she was going to tell Joel, she heard someone back there... it was a boy's voice... something about 'boys too'... something about 'under the table'... some snickering...

Ellie whirled around.  From what she could tell, it was either Tyler or Justin.  She walked back over to the pit.  "You wanna say that to my face?  Huh?" she challenged the boys.  "Who said that?"

"I said it," said Tyler, a sixteen-year-old that Ellie didn't know very well.  She was quasi-friends with his ex, Dee, so maybe he hated her by extension?  Not that anyone needed to hate her simply to indulge in laughing at her expense.  He stood up, crossing his arms in front of his chest, looking at her defiantly from the pit.  "It was just a joke.  You weren't supposed to hear it."

If that was some sort of apology, it was pretty lame -- even for a fake one.  Ellie moved down onto the first stair of the pit to get directly in front of him, which put them at nearly the same height.  "Say it to my face.  Come on, you fucking pussy.  Or would you rather take this outside?"

The asshole just stared at her. _He's taller than me, heavier... I have no idea if he knows how to fight... but I'm not afraid of him._   She'd killed grown men.  _Killed_ them.  This pansy-ass shit didn't scare her in the slightest.  The problem was, 'taking it outside' would mean walking closer to Joel.  Not right past him, but close enough.  They'd never make it out there without him noticing.  Plus, they were attracting more attention now.  Paige was probably on her way over there to issue some kind of warning.  And Joel... she didn't dare look his way now, because how would that look to the others?  She didn't need Joel to fight her battles for her!  As it was, he'd probably be coming over in a matter of seconds.  She knew he was watching her.  He would notice her getting in this guy's face, and he'd be waiting for her to signal him the yay or nay like she'd done with Clicker... and when she didn't even look his way, he'd make his own decision -- which would most likely be to come over.  Even though she pretty much never wanted him to do that, and he knew it.  _Fuck!_

Tyler ignored the taking-it-outside thing.  He glanced away for a moment, then looked at her.  "It was something... dirty," he disclosed unhelpfully, and though he seemed to be trying to keep his expression blank, Ellie detected a little smirk.

"Say it!"  She moved closer to him, to the second stair, giving up a little height in exchange for being right in his face. 

"It wasn't even about you!  It was dumb.  Just forget it."  Tyler took a step back now, and he kept glancing sideways...

_Towards Joel -- of course!_ She could kind of see Joel headed their way in her peripheral vision... or maybe it was more like _sensing_ how close he was... _Fuck it, I gotta just take the cheap shot._

Ellie kicked the fucker squarely in the crotch.

She barely had the satisfaction of hearing Tyler suck in his breath and make an unmanly squealing sound, of seeing the pain scrunch up his face as his body curled in on itself, when Joel's arm was around her, dragging her backwards off of the stairs.  The other people sitting there had sprung to their feet... a few others had drifted over from whatever they'd been doing...

She stumbled after Joel as he ushered her away from the pit, but Ellie still felt very much _in_ it-- she turned, tried to move back toward the assholes -- the commotion -- _take it all in and let it all out --_

A sea of faces... angry faces... confused or shocked faces... A buzz of voices... this one yelling, that one laughing...

And, for once, Ellie didn't want Joel's hands on her. 

Her blood was fucking _boiling_ \-- boiling over the pot now -- she had to fight -- _had_ to, like she couldn't _not_ \-- had to hit someone, or _everyone_ \-- everyone trying to fuck up her life.  And Joel wasn't letting her!  If she’d had a Molotov in her hand just then, she would’ve chucked it, consequences be damned.  She tried to push Joel’s arm away... the one holding her back like some kind of safety belt. 

Then he spun her around to face him, his hands on her shoulders, and she knew he was saying her name. 

Her eyes wouldn't focus on him... her gaze darted from one person to the next in the small crowd, and he said her name louder.  Loud enough to break through the buzz and the blur.

_"Ellie!  Ellie, look at me."_

All of a sudden, she felt like she might cry.  The fight was starting to drain out of her without release, and Joel was... _fuck,_ _I can't even look at Joel right now!_   "Let go of me!  _LET ME GO!"_ she screamed at him, still not looking him in the eye, but glimpsing the surprise that registered on his face. 

He loosened his grip enough that she broke free easily.  She turned and bolted for the door.

_Run run RUN--_

All she wanted was to get far away from everyone.  Even Joel. 

Maybe _especially_ Joel, blissfully clueless as he was to all the vulgar crap.  The things that she couldn't un-know... couldn't un-hear... _I can't tell him -- I HAVE to tell him -- but I can't!_

She knew the shit would follow her-- that there was no true escape-- that it would stay with her and pound itself into her head.  No matter where she went-- no matter what she did--

And yet, she ran.


	22. Broad Shoulders

"Ellie!"

She wasn't far enough away to be out of earshot, but she didn't stop running.

Joel had lost a few moments on his way out by hastily recruiting Clicker to go back to the chess board and guard his backpack, but he'd seen which way Ellie was headed out the glass doors, and he'd caught sight of her when he exited the library himself.  He wasn't far behind her.  _"Ellie!"_ he tried again.

_Shit!  I'm just going to have to chase her to wherever she's going._

She was heading north.  To the ghost town area.  Had to be -- the farm was south, the lake was east, and home was southeast.

He was gaining on her.  "Ellie!"  Finally she slowed down to a trot, then stopped altogether as he caught up to her, slamming on the brakes to stand beside her.  "What happened?  Where you goin'?"

She stood there, panting, not looking at him, and Joel was grateful for the chance to catch his breath as well.  He waited for her to speak... but she didn't, so he simply asked, "Can I come with you?"

She threw a glance his way, not meeting his gaze.  "Okay."  She started walking, and he fell in step beside her.  She widened the space between them.  Enough that he couldn't take hold of her hand.  Thinking it might have been his imagination, he tried to close the gap, but she did it again.

_Clearly, she's pissed at me.  But why?  And why did she kick that kid in the ballsack?_   From what he could tell, the kid was backing away from her... not trying to start anything.  He must've mouthed off to her.  _What could've made her angry with ME, though... is it because I wouldn't let her fight?  Did she really think she could just start hitting people in the middle of the library and no one would stop her?_

Joel was grateful that she was letting him come with her, at least.  After she'd run away on that day from hell, and he'd spent all day and all night looking for her, worried sick about her because he knew how messed up she was that day (all his fault, too), he'd told her that he would give her space if she needed it.  That she didn't need to hide from him to get it.  But, that one day notwithstanding, he had since learned that Ellie never really wanted space.  Even when he thought she did -- and even when _she_ _said_ she did... even if she didn't want to talk, even if she was pissed at him... it didn't seem to affect her desire to not be alone.  They were quite different in that regard.

Or... they used to be.  She seemed to be rubbing off on him a little.

Now... he really wanted to hold her hand.  To have some physical contact.  So she could feel how much he cared for her, and be comforted by it, even in just that small way.  But all he could do was follow her lead.  They passed only a couple more people on the street (and Ellie uncharacteristically did not acknowledge them at all) before they reached the area of Jackson where no one lived.  Rows and rows of deserted houses.  People ventured in there at times, for various reasons, but most of the time it was eerily silent, reminiscent of the many true ghost towns he and Ellie had traveled through on their long journey west.

That was how it felt now as Ellie headed exactly where Joel had expected her to -- the burnt-out house she'd run to after learning the truth about Salt Lake City.  He had no desire to see the inside again.  "Please don' go in there."  He could make the request, but if she ignored it, he would follow her.  "How 'bout the back yard, or... the side over there, where we talked before?"

She obliged him by heading for the backyard (or maybe that was her original destination anyhow?), and gestured to a huge cluster -- practically a field -- of weeds in the far corner.  "That's where I peed that one day.  Right there.  I don't think the weeds were that big then."

"...Huh."  Joel didn't know what to say to that.  He was glad her voice sounded fairly normal.  _Maybe it won't be so hard getting her to talk to me._   "Wanna sit on the steps here?"

They sat on the porch steps, rather like they had that day she'd spied on him at Sophie's house.  She leaned against him, which had to be a good sign... _maybe she's pissed, but she can't be THAT pissed_.  And she'd been practically having a panic attack earlier, but now she seemed calmer... like her accelerated breathing came from physical exertion, not panic.  He put his arm around her.  "Can you tell me what all that was about back there?" he asked her gently.  "Or... we can jus' sit for a while, if you want."

He thought she'd opted for the 'just sitting' option, but actually, it just took her a minute to answer.  "I hate everyone in this fucking shithole town.  They're all a bunch of... I hate them!"

That surprised him.  Maybe it shouldn't have, given the staring of late.  Since the wedding.  But today, it did feel worse than the day before.  "Not everyone.  You don' hate _me_.  At least I hope you don't."

She didn't laugh.  But that could've been because the remark wasn't all that funny.

Still, he continued with that thread.  "You don' hate Tommy an' Maria... Annie... Esther... the little kids you read to an' play with at Tommy an' Maria's... Clicker?"  Something had happened with Clicker, but he didn't think Ellie was upset with him.  It was obvious the boy didn't want to tell him what they'd been discussing in the other room, and Joel hadn't pressured him.  The two of them had just sat there, watching Ellie across the way.  Joel hadn't become concerned until she'd started to return to him, only to then turn around and confront the one boy.  _I'm sure he regrets pissing off my girl now!_ he couldn't help thinking -- and with pride.  No, he wasn't going to lecture Ellie about fighting again.  At least not right now.

He was more concerned about the potential for her friends to turn into enemies than he was about the crotch-kicking.  She'd been doing so well... fitting in pretty damn good for a square peg in a round hole.  He hated to see her start to lose what camaraderie she did have with her peers.

_She seemed to want to talk... but now she's too damn quiet_.  Joel squeezed her arm.  "Talk to me, kiddo."

She sighed.  "I know I have to, but I really don't want to."

"You don' have to.  If you really don' want to, I'll jus' sit here with you.  If you want.  No talkin'."  He didn't want to do anything to make her withdraw from him, either physically or emotionally.  He could be patient, because he knew she trusted him enough to speak her mind when she was ready.

"No, I have to.  I just wish..." She sighed again.

"...what do you wish, baby girl?"

"Lots of things.  But... God, I wish I didn't have to fucking tell you."

"You don' _have_ to tell me anythin' you don' want to," he repeated.  "I jus' think it might help you feel--"

"No, it's not that I don't _want_ to tell you cuz of... I mean, it's just that... I don't wanna tell you."

As close as they were, Joel still wasn't entirely schooled in Ellie logic yet.  That explanation made no sense to him, although he could think of a few possible reasons for her reluctance.  "Why?  Are you afraid of how I'll react, or... what I'll think of you if--"

"No no, it's not like that," she cut him off again.  "It's more like... I want to protect you from all the bad shit in the world."

Joel had to chuckle at that.  "What are you talkin' about?  That's _my_ job.  _I_ protect _you_.  I already know all the bad shit.  You don' have to protect me."

"Then I guess it goes both ways, cuz I do."

_She's serious!_  He kissed her temple.  "Whatever you feel you have to tell me, I can handle it."

"Ha!  That's exactly what I said to Clicker, but I guess it was a lie, cuz now..." She made a vague gesture of... hopelessness, or surrender.

"Then let me help you handle it.  Whatever it is.  Try me."  It was painful, watching her try to bear this burden by herself.  He had to get her to open up.  _My shoulders can take a lot more than yours can, baby girl..._

More silence.

Joel could wait.  He looked upward to watch the clouds roll by.  "Looks like it's gonna start rainin' soon."

She looked up to the sky as well.  "Yeah..."  But that's all she said.

_All right, no easing in with small talk, then..._ "Is Clicker in some kind of trouble?"

"No!  No, nothing like that."

"Was it somethin' he said to you?" he tried.

She chuckled mirthlessly.  "I was kind of doing this with him, trying to drag it out of him, and it was so annoying that I vowed I wouldn't do it to _you_ anymore."

He squeezed her again.  "I'm not annoyed.  Some shit is hard to talk about, I know."  _So it WAS something Clicker told her..._

Another sigh, followed by silence.

"Ellie... I love you.  You can tell me _any_ thing."

She actually smiled a little then.  Not at him, but it was a smile nonetheless.  "I love you, too."

Joel was usually the one adding the 'too.'  Neither of them said those three words to the other all that much.  It just seemed like maybe a reminder was in order here.  He didn't ask her anything else... just kept waiting for her to talk to him.  _You already know too much of the bad shit out there, baby girl... I know you do.  Doesn't mean I'll ever stop trying to shield you from it.  But what the hell could possibly be so bad that I ain't already aware of?  Why do **I** need protecting?  _ If something had happened to her... but he'd been with her nonstop since last night, and she'd been just fine.  At home, at the warehouse, at the library... she was okay, until she'd talked to Clicker, and then to that group of kids in the music pit.  It did no real good to speculate here, but since all he was doing was waiting for her to speak, it was kind of hard _not_ to...

He waited probably a good five minutes this time, to no avail.  "Why do you hate everyone?" he finally prompted her.

"Because.  Joel... it's... really bad."

"I can handle it," he repeated.  "Does it have anythin' to do with the fight you had with that girl?"

"No.  Well... maybe.  Kind of, yeah."  She laid her head on his shoulder.  "Okay, so... remember last night when we heard noises outside?"

"Yes..."  _Is that what this is about?  Was it Clicker out there after all?_

"Well, whoever that was... they didn't _see_ us.  They couldn't have.  I know the curtains were closed.  Plus we weren't even doing anything.  We were just hanging out on the couch.  No one was naked, no one was... _doing_ anything..."

"...right...?"  Joel didn't like where this was headed.

"That person... people -- there were at least two, right? -- they're telling everyone that they saw me, um... that they saw me..."

"...saw you what?  Naked?"  _But she wasn't--_

"No.  They said I was... doing something to you... like... while you were sitting on the couch."  She paused.  Turned and pressed her face into his shirt.  "They said I was... um..."

_Shit._   "I get the picture."  Maybe not the full picture, but enough to know it was something sexual.  It was kids being kids.  Saying stupid shit, showing off to each other.  And, given that it wasn't so far from the truth, maybe it felt a bit worse for her to hear than the usual garden-variety shit.  Disturbing though it was, Joel wasn't all that alarmed; he was just worried about Ellie.  He squeezed her again.  Smoothed her hair.  "I'm sorry, baby girl."

"Joel, the things they're saying... it makes me sick.  Like, literally sick."

People speculating about their relationship, jumping to vile conclusions... hell, thinking the worst was just human nature -- his own included.  But to know that someone would flat-out _lie_ about what they saw... that was more malicious than salacious, and far more troubling.  "I know it's... upsettin'..."

"Upsetting?  It's... disgusting.  They take something that's so..." Her voice caught, and for a moment, Joel thought she might start to cry, but she regained her composure quickly, and she even looked at him, sort of... at least, she pulled away from his shoulder and faced his way.  "You... are _so good_ to me.  You've been nothing but nice to me.  No one's ever... the way you _care_... so much... and then for them to just say... to turn it into... something so... _ugly_..."

"Hey."  He tilted her chin up.  "They ain't _turnin'_ it into nothin'.  It's jus' words.  They can't... _change_... what this is.  What we have.  It ain't ugly."

"You really think so?"

"I _know_ so."  _Doesn't she know that?_   She'd never expressed any doubts before, but the way she'd asked that... and he wasn't certain what she was questioning -- the ability of people to fuck up their relationship, or his assertion that it wasn't ugly.

She nestled her head on his shoulder again.  "Except part of you agrees with them.  Part of you thinks it's disgusting."

"No--"

"Yes you do," she said sadly.  "That's why you _don't_ let me... do that. ...do what they think we're doing.  You think if you do, it means you're a pervert.  But you're not... and it wouldn't."

They'd argued about this so many times, and Joel could never quite explain it to her in any way that would stick.  He usually ended up resorting to physical distraction, because that always made her feel better -- and it was easy.

Before he could even begin to try to find the right thing to say to that, she continued.  "You warned me about this, in the beginning.  You said people could make things bad for us.  I thought you were being paranoid... I mean, I understood, but like... I didn't think it would be like that.  Like this."

"Like how?  Are they bein' mean to you?"  Ellie never wanted Joel interfering in her affairs, but if these punks kept saying inflammatory things to her--

"No.  Just... what if they ruin everything?" she asked quietly.

That was pretty general.  He wasn't sure how she felt they could 'ruin everything.'  "We won' let them," he assured her; he didn't need to know specifics to know _that_ much.

"What if they say I can't live with you anymore?"

"What?!"  No wonder she was so upset, with shit like that going through her head!  "That is _not_ gonna happen."

"We're not even immune to it in our own house."

"Ellie, nothin' happened.  No one saw anythin'."

She wasn't hearing him.  "We have to leave.  We can't stay here.  They hate us, and they're trying to ruin everything, and... I can't _lose_ you..."

She seemed to be fighting tears again, and Joel wished she would just let go and cry.  "You won't.  Ever.  C'mere."  He turned so he could give her a proper hug, holding her close, petting her hair... even rocking her a little.  "It's gonna be all right.  I promise.  No one's ever gonna split us up.  I'd never let that happen."

She sniffled a little, but didn't start crying in earnest.  "I'm being selfish," she muttered.

"You're fine.  I got you."

"No, I mean... I should prob'ly let you go... but I can't!  I _can't."_

"Let me go?  I ain't goin' nowhere.  I'm right where I want to be."  He had to find a way to steer her away from this line of thinking.  Clear this bullshit out of her head.  He pulled her up over his leg so that she was sitting in front of him, and he could hug her against him from behind.

She leaned into him.  "But I don't want people thinking you're... bad."

Joel chuckled.  "Who cares what they think?  Half of 'em prob'ly already thought that before all this."  And now was not the time to get into the good/bad argument with her, concerning what sort of person he was.

_"I_ care.  I care because you're totally... I wish they knew what a good person you are!  But they don't even want to see it.  Even if I could show them... they can't _see_ it."

"That don' mean you should 'let me go.'  You think I'd rather have them think 'hey, that Joel dude ain't so bad after all'... that I'd rather have _that_ , than to be with you?  'Cause if that's what you think, you're wrong.  I'd rather be with you than to have all their... esteem, an' whatnot."

"...Well, when you put it like _that_..."

Joel felt hopeful that the message was sinking in as she mulled over this.  "That's how it is.  Pretty sure you feel the same way."

"Of course I do!"

They'd talked about that plenty.  Joel still harbored some guilt over depriving her of the chance to be with someone closer to her own age, to be more _normal_... but for the most part, he accepted that Ellie wanted things this way.  And no relationship was perfect, after all.  "So, fuck 'em.  Don' let their bullshit get to you."

"No... we should leave.  If we stay here..." She sniffled again.  "It's my fault.  I don't hide my feelings as good as you do.  I put the ideas in their heads--"

"It ain't your fault.  People are jus'... they like to talk.  It'll blow over.  We don' have to leave."

"But I can't _stand_ them thinking of you like that."

"It don' matter what they think."  Joel wondered if they were saying nasty things about her, too (and if so, would Clicker have told her?).  Things he didn't want anyone to think about his little girl.  Even though she wasn't exactly his little girl... he couldn't help thinking it sometimes.  It was all well and good for him to say it doesn't matter what people think, but in the heat of the moment, he had a feeling that sentiment might fly right out the window if someone said something about Ellie in his presence that was... unsavory.

"Except what if it _does_ matter?  I had to tell you, because what if they tell a parent, or like... some adult person, and then they go and tell Tommy and Maria?  I _know_ some of those other people in the library heard the shit, too.  Not just the asswipes in the pit.  And you said it's a crime... or did you just mean the sex part?  Like, it's okay as long as we're not fucking?"

Joel hated to douse that little flicker of hope he'd just heard in her voice.  "No... it would still be... bad.  In the eyes of those who wanna see it that way.  You'n'me, we know better.  I know I... confuse you sometimes, with my... -but jus' know that I do _not_ think what we are is a bad thing."

"I know."

He nuzzled the side of her head.  "Good."

"But the last thing we need is for Clicker to find us like this."  She wriggled away from him just far enough to sit on the step below, though she turned herself sideways so they could talk face-to-face.  She was still situated between his legs; Joel thought it would hardly look any better to passersby, but he'd be shocked shitless if anyone stumbled upon them here, in the backyard of this ugly old burnt house.  "I think he sort of believed it," said Ellie.  "The fucking lies.  Before he talked to me.  Not the bad stuff, but the actual... going-down-on-you thing."

"No one can prove anythin'.  Especially shit that never happened.  We do what we've always done -- deny it if we have to."  Joel was glad that Ellie could honestly deny performing sexual acts on him, at least.  _Plausible deniability_. 

"Deny it.  Pfff.  We shouldn't even have to do that."  She looked thoughtful for a moment.  "What if I was the older one?  Would it make any difference?"

"If you were older?"

"Older than you.  Say you're the kid and I'm the grown-up.  Is that supposedly a crime, too?"

"Well, yeah."  Joel couldn't even imagine Ellie being middle-aged, with himself in the teenager role here.  "What're you gettin' at?"

"Nothing... I dunno.  I guess I should be glad it's not sexist.  Just ageist."

There was absolutely a difference, in Joel's mind, but he didn't see the need to try to explain it to Ellie.  She would just call him sexist, anyway.  And maybe she'd be right.  In the old world, the law would've agreed with her; it had to be black and white when it came to shit like that.

There were no real laws anymore, of course, aside from the ones each community made for themselves... vigilante justice.  Whether inside a town, a QZ, or out in the wild, that's all there was.  Most -- hell, probably _all_ \-- groups obviously weren't going to tolerate extreme violence... that was a given.  The rest of it, though... it could be a bit of a crapshoot deciphering right from wrong, and what needed to be done about the wrong.  The QZs were probably run pretty similarly, but aside from that... Joel had to assume it was all pretty insular; it wasn't like anyone could communicate with anyone else outside of their own village with any regularity.  Each town was an island.  And from what he'd seen, no other town could be any safer -- or have more amenities -- than Jackson.

Jackson had enough older folks -- those like himself, who had come of age before the Cordyceps had fucked up the world -- that he could safely assume a romance between a forty-nine-year-old man and a fifteen-year-old girl would be universally frowned upon here.  No one had proven him wrong yet.  And, judging by the rumors, the younger ones clearly took issue with it, too -- if only because it fell too far outside the norm.  Take away the life-and-death shit by plopping them in a town like Jackson, and teenagers were apparently still teenagers: inclined to want to be cool, popular, _~normal~_ \-- and willing to shit on the outsiders if it helped that cause.

Ellie sighed.  "Not that it even matters.  Law or no law, people think it's revolting.  They don't... _get_ us.  And -- _fuck_ , between the two of us, I'm the worst as far as... being a pervert or whatever."

Joel chuckled.  "What?  You ain't--"

"I am!  I'm always the one wanting... stuff.  It's like I make _you_ do it."

_She's just too damn cute sometimes!_   He shook his head, laughing a little.  "You don' _make_ me do--"

"Shut up, I totally do!  What would they think about _that?_   And does anyone even care that I'm _happy_ with you, when they think how wrong it supposedly is?  If you were fucking _abusing_ me somehow, why would I be happy?"

_Because you don't realize that it's abuse..._ and the more time that passed, the less he was seeing it that way himself.  Which both disturbed him and pleased him -- at the same time, which was weird as hell.  "They could be afraid that... you think this is normal.  Like I sort of... brainwashed you or somethin'."

"Well, who the fuck are they to-- why should they even give a fuck?!  It's _my_ life, not theirs."

"I reckon people feel a... natural obligation to look out for kids.  Kid like you, with no parents... nice young girl... stuck with this old dude who--"

"Stop!"  She thumped his leg in annoyance.  "Don't talk about yourself like that.  I'm not fucking _stuck._ If anyone tries to split us up, Joel, I swear to God..."  Her voice broke a little.

He laid a hand on her shoulder to give it a squeeze.  "They ain't goin' to split us up, kiddo.  I've talked to Tommy... not about this new horseshit, obviously, but about... us in general.  He believes that nothin's goin' on.  Kids spreadin' rumors ain't gonna change that.  Worst case scenario... if it ever comes down to splittin' up or leavin' town, we'll leave, all right?"

"You promise?"  She looked at him... in that doe-eyed, vulnerable way she had that could make him promise her the moon.

_This one's real easy, though._  "I promise."  He couldn't even comprehend the idea of trying to lead a life separate from Ellie's at this point.  _And for what?!  To please the masses?  They can go fuck themselves six ways to Sunday._

The promise didn't completely ease her fears.  "Okay.  Except what if-- They know you feel that way, right? -so whoever would want to... what if they think that for my own good they have to like... I dunno... hide me somewhere?"

"...You really think I'd let 'em do that?  Really?"  That was almost insulting, actually.

"Say you can't help it.  They come get me at the farm or something."

"I think your imagination is runnin' a little wild there, kiddo.  No one's gonna do that.  If they even tried, you're smart.  You'd get away from 'em an' find me an' then we'd go."

"Or... you'd come find me."

"Or that.  Of course."  With a bunch of townsfolk conspiring to keep her away from him, perhaps moving her from place to place, it could be difficult to find her, even if he did tear the whole fucking place apart.  _I'd end up killing them all._  

She relaxed a little.  "Okay.  But um... what if... someone says something to you and you kill them?"

_Did she just read my mind?_   he thought with amusement.  "I'll try not to do that," he said dryly.

"I'm serious!  I might've hurt Christine -- and Tyler -- just a little, but... that's cuz I didn't use a weapon.  If _you_ get in a fight... you don't need a weapon.  You could kill them with one hit."

Joel chuckled.  "It'd have to be an extremely lucky hit.  An' I reckon they'd deserve it."

"Joel!  I know they'd deserve it, I just don't want you getting in trouble for it!"

"That's cute."  She didn't protest when he took her hand and kissed it.  He continued holding her hand in both of his.  "I do hope you're jokin'.  None of this shit is worth someone losin' their life over."

"I was.  ...half, anyway," she added.  "Promise you're never gonna leave me."

"Never."  He'd already promised that many times, but sometimes she just needed it reinforced.

"Where you go, I go."

"Right."

She turned and looked up at the darkening sky.  "Last time I was here at this house, I thought I might have to leave Jackson.  And leave _you_.  I was so sad.  It was such a... _lonely_ feeling.  Even though I was mad at you, I didn't wanna leave you."

"An' you decided to stay, in the end." _Thank God... and Tommy_.

She smiled.  "Yeah.  Remember how I went up on the roof, and that's where you found me.  And then... I wouldn't come down, and wouldn't let you come up, so you just waited.  And waited and waited."

"I remember."  He'd been so relieved to finally find Ellie, he was happy to simply wait for her.

"You know, if I _had_ decided to leave... none of this would be happening."

"Ellie-- no.  Don' tell me you're thinkin' about..."

"No... not really.  Just a thought."

_If you'd left, and I couldn't find you, or couldn't find you in time... I'd be dead by now, I'm damned sure of it._   But that wasn't a burden he would lay on her.  She sometimes said she would die without him, and Joel would get a little worried, and talk to her about it, and she'd end up saying she was just exaggerating or joking around or something... Joel never completely believed her.  He planned on living a good long life yet, certainly long enough to at least see Ellie through the tumultuous teenage years, but... well, facts were facts.

That was another reason he wanted her to be in Jackson.  Both of them, actually -- himself, so he could stay safe and lessen the risk of dying any time soon, and Ellie, for safety too, of course, but also so that she could have a full life.  Full of people.  Family, friends... love.  With purpose, entertainment, intellectual stimulation at her fingertips, security, stability, some relative luxuries... If they left, he'd be depriving her of all but the love part.

And then where would she be when he died?  All alone in the world.  Again.

He wasn't sure what he should do to prevent the tensions from escalating in town.  Talking to Tommy and Maria could only take them so far.  What could they do?  Hold a town meeting where they ask everyone to play nice?  He'd get more results if he personally visited every household and threatened to kill anyone who interfered with Ellie and him, or who hurt Ellie in any way.

Well... it was a nice fantasy, anyway.

She'd grown quiet along with him.  "Hey.  Whatcha thinkin', kiddo?  If you're _not_ thinkin' about leavin' to go an'--"

"No.  Not... the whole virus cure thing."  She took a moment to answer.  "I was thinking how this is going to ruin everything."

Joel stifled another sigh.  _Didn't I just tell her it wouldn't?_   "This ain't gonna split us up.  Not if we don' let it."

"Okay, but... you already sort of don't want me to... touch you--"

"Ellie--"

"No, listen!  You can't seem to help thinking it's wrong.  At least partly.  Isn't this going to make that worse?  And even if you say it doesn't make it worse for you, now... now it's in my head, too.  I don't want it there, but it's fucking _there_.  And it's not even a bad thing, without those pricks taking it and saying that-- I mean, I just want to... you know... do what any real girlfriend wants to do... what's wrong with wanting to make you happy?  And don't say 'you do, Ellie' -- cuz I don't -- not that way."

"Ellie--"

"Let me finish, will you?!  I'm trying to say... oh!  Yeah.  So.  Now we're _both_ going to be thinking about how everyone else thinks it's wrong, and gross, and I'm going to hear what they're saying -- I've only heard a small bit of it, like, for real, but I _hear_ it, you know?  We're just like... this big _joke_ to them... and we're supposed to be so much _better_ than them, Joel.  I don't mean like, better people, but... _above_ them, somehow... cuz they could never understand... there's no way anyone in this town could ever love anyone else as much as I love you.  It's just fucking impossible.  But it's all just... something to be ridiculed for?  Or... made to feel ashamed of?  That means my whole... _existence_... is just..."

He started rubbing her back with one hand.  "...just what?"

Ellie laid her head on his knee, which was jutting up in front of her... and which did not look at all comfortable.  "I dunno.  I'm done.  You can talk now, finally."

But now Joel didn't know what to say.  The first thing that sprang to mind was to simply negate everything she'd just said: -No that's not true... -no it's not wrong, or gross... - _we_ are not wrong or gross or the butt of some joke... _except perhaps a cosmic one the universe is playing on us?_  It all just sounded... lame and trite now, in his head.

"You can't say anything because you know I'm right, huh," Ellie deduced from his silence, still shifting her face a bit to try to make his kneecap a better headrest.

"No.  I jus' ain't so good at talkin' as you are."

At least that made her smile.  Just a little.  "Whaaat?  Please.  You _rock_ at talking.  You just don't give yourself enough credit."

Joel snorted.  "I can muddle through all right sometimes.  That ain't exactly the same thing as rockin' it.  But... why don' we go home now, hmm?  We can talk... easier... there.  In private."  _And hopefully I'll think of some magic words to fix everything on the way home._  If that failed, at least he could kiss her freely.  He was sure he could kiss away some of those troubling thoughts tumbling around in her head.  The kisses would chase those away better and faster than any words could.

"Even though _home_ isn't even a sanctuary anymore," Ellie grumbled, but she did start to get up.

"It still is." Joel stood up with her.  "I'll start plantin' booby traps 'round the place.  Like Bill had everywhere."

"So anyone who comes over to spy on us... they just blow up?"

"Yep.  Boom!  Problem solved."

Ellie smiled... leaned into him and tilted her face up like she was going to kiss him... but then pulled away.  He would have let her do it; he knew Clicker hadn't followed them.

"We gotta swing by the library first an' get my backpack," he told her.

"Shit.  Someone prob'ly stole it by now, to do who-knows-what with it, like--"

"Nah -- Clicker's guardin' it."  Hopefully he hadn't decided to go look for them.  They hadn't been gone very long, really, but he didn't know how long the kid would wait.

Ellie was walking a little bit ahead of him.  He caught up to her, reached for her hand...

"We can't," she said matter-of-factly.  "That's ruined."

"Bullshit."  This time he grabbed her hand quickly.  "If you really don' want to, I won't insist, but there's no reason we can't walk down the street holdin' hands like we always have."

"Not always.  We didn't before." 

Before they were a couple.  "Maybe not.  But we could have.  Jus' hold my hand, Ellie.  Please.  Think of it as a 'fuck you' to... whoever."

She smirked at that.  "Okay, fine.  A better 'fuck you' would be to just start making out on one of those library couches.  In front of _all_ those fucking assholes."  He started to give her a Look, but she rolled her eyes.  "I'm just kidding.  Of course I am.  We could _never ever_ do that in a million years."

"Maybe three years."

"Same difference."

To her, maybe.  To Joel, three years wasn't all that long -- at least, not if they were together... apart, it would probably be an eternity.  But it _was_ far enough in the future that they couldn't think about it now.  And the age gap was never going to shrink; he doubted that everyone would suddenly turn a blind eye the moment Ellie turned eighteen.

She started swinging their hands, walking faster.  "Joel... let me go get your backpack, and you wait outside."

"What?  Why?"

"Because that's how I want to do it.  Okay?"

"If you wanna go try an' finish that fight--"

"No -- I'll just run in and run out.  Soon as I find Clicker.  Please?"

"We can both go in."

"No!  Just me."

"Then... I'll go in, you wait outside."

"No -- _me_.  I'm going in."

Joel sighed.  "You know I can't let you go--"

"Okay okay -- so, count to like... thirty, and if I'm not out by then, you can go in.  Deal?"

"Why are you--"

_"Deal?!"_ she repeated, employing her don't-you-dare-challenge-me look.

Joel didn't get it, but it was clearly important to her, so... "Fine.  Thirty seconds."  He could stand by the glass doors, but at this time of day he wouldn't be able to see through them very well from the outside.

Maybe the magic fix-it words would pop into his head while he waited for her.  Right now... he wasn't even as angry as perhaps he should've been.  Maybe because he wasn't all that surprised; he didn't share Ellie's all-encompassing good faith in people.  He just felt so... he wanted to take away the pain this was causing Ellie. 

She'd mentioned wanting to protect him, but she was the one who needed protecting... whether she thought so or not.  More of her innocence was being chipped away.  And unlike the chipping that _he_ was responsible for, there wasn't any sort of reward or payoff with this.  Just more adversity... shitty feelings... and new fears.


	23. Muddy Waters

They actually didn't even try to pick up their conversation again until much later.  Ellie was able to retrieve Joel's backpack without incident while he waited outside.  And -- Joel actually _stayed_ outside, which Ellie figured probably wasn't all that easy for him, measly thirty seconds or not.  Clicker gave her kudos for kicking Tyler's manhood, Paige tried to talk to her but Ellie brushed her off, politely... well, as politely as she could... and if anyone else thought about confronting her, something made them change their minds before actually doing so.  She made it out with like ten seconds to spare on the Joel countdown clock.

He'd asked her again why she didn't want him to go inside, and it seemed to puzzle him more now that she'd been in and out so quick (she suspected he thought she wouldn't honor the thirty seconds thing, to go and... do what?  Blow up the library?  _Ha!_ ).  She couldn't even explain it to him; she wasn't even sure she understood it herself.  She just knew she didn't want Joel to feel what she had felt earlier.  That... uneasiness of feeling people's eyes on you, and knowing they're thinking you're some kind of degenerate.  And it would probably be worse for Joel than it was for her -- she was either a victim or a skank to these people, not a fucking _pedophile_.

Joel had promised Tommy he'd look in on Maria, and even though they were already planning on going over there for dinner later, they went early; Joel had said Ellie had the right idea, when she wanted to tell him before he heard it from elsewhere, and that they should do the same thing with Maria.  Tommy needn't have worried about Maria being alone, either:  Chelsea was there, and she seemed to be her favorite helper -- after Ellie herself, of course! -- along with some kids who hung out in the afternoons sometimes (since school was only in the morning) while their parents worked.  Sometimes the parents came to get them later and stayed for dinner.  Dinners were usually lively affairs there, and Ellie loved them.  It made her feel like she was part of a big family.  Like the kind you see in the movies, all sitting down to enjoy a meal together.

Maria hadn't heard anything yet -- which was encouraging.  Like maybe it _was_ just stupid kid stuff, nothing of concern for adults with power and influence.  Ellie had tried to take her aside to tell her alone, but of course, Joel wouldn't let her.  Predictably, he'd dismissed her notion of wanting to protect him as utterly ridiculous earlier (although he did seem to be taking it better than she was), and he wouldn't even let her spare him _this_ torture.  At least he did say she could do most of the talking if she wanted.  Ellie had been all prepared to defend Joel and herself... and she didn't even have to.  They didn't even have to tell Maria the gory details -- which was good, because Ellie didn't even want to disclose those to Joel.  She'd told him enough that he could assume, but... it wasn't the same as saying all the words, somehow.  Like the chance that he could assume _wrong_ would spare him the pain of knowing with absolute certainty.  Anyway, Maria had held up her hand before Ellie even got all the basic words out, let alone the gory ones.

_"Say no more.  I'll set the record straight for anyone who may come to me with this shit.  I'm sorry you guys have to deal with it.  You'd think people would have bigger problems to worry about."_

And Ellie had relaxed a bit.  Maria's relative nonchalance made her wonder if she'd already had people lay crap like this on her before.  She asked Maria if there was any way she wouldn't be allowed to live with Joel anymore -- Joel had tried to shush her on that, but she had to know!  Maria had chuckled.

_"Are you kidding me?  I dare anyone to TRY to separate you two."_

Later, she'd also tried to talk to Ellie without Joel around.  Girltalk.  Usually Ellie was down for that, but she had a feeling the conversation might center on her alleged _crush_ on Joel, and she didn't feel like going there, so she had shut that down.  Whatever desire Ellie may have had to tell Maria the truth about her and Joel prior to the lies... it was gone now.  Not that she could've spilled her guts to Joel's sister-in-law anyway -- her loyalty to Tommy would trump whatever loyalty she had to Ellie, and Joel most certainly did not want Tommy to know.  But telling her now... it would be like admitting that she had _lied_ about the lie being a lie, even though she hadn't... not really...

She'd already tested the waters with Annie, as far as confessing the truth, and she'd found the waters unpleasant.  There was no one else Ellie would even consider telling.  She truly couldn't talk to anyone about Joel except Joel -- and Joel sort of... muddied the waters.  Because part of him believed that the people who would call him a sicko were right.

Chelsea had heard.  Ellie could tell.  She wondered if the girl was wrestling with whether she should say anything about it to Maria.  But Chelsea didn't treat her or Joel any differently, and Ellie felt that if she were to ask her, she'd say she didn't believe it.  Anyone who had spent any decent amount of time with her and Joel shouldn't believe it!  The 'Wednesday kids' were either too little to understand, or currently too insulated from the other kids to have heard.  Playing with them was a welcome distraction... but only for small pockets of time.

Any time someone knocked on the door, Ellie's heart leaped into her throat.  _They're coming to split us up!_ she would think... quite nonsensically.  Most of the time, the knock was followed by one of the kids' parents/guardians/whoever entering without waiting for someone to answer the door, as was customary.  If it was anyone else, Maria spoke to them outside briefly, and Ellie couldn't help wondering if it was at all related to her and Joel.  If ever it was, Maria didn't let on.

One guy came inside and hovered in the living room; Maria had gone upstairs after answering the door.  It was Yasmany, the father of the little girl Joel had rescued.  Surely he wouldn't believe the bullshit... he _liked_ Joel.  Ellie tried to gauge his knowledge by his interaction with Joel... and decided he probably hadn't heard anything.  It turned out he was just picking up a gun that someone had repaired and dropped off.  He wasn't coming to make Maria aware of, or register a complaint against, the 'town perv.'

Joel could tell her she was paranoid all he wanted to, later on... but it's not like he wasn't sitting there thinking the exact same thing she was.  Or trying to decipher who'd heard and who hadn't heard, just like she was.  And any one of those people could have been the one who started it.  Sneaking around outside the house and lying about what went on inside seemed like a childish thing to do, and Ellie assumed it was done out of spite... hatred... _something_ that someone had against either her or Joel.

By the time they went home, the day had taken on some kind of unreal quality.  Almost like it was some… exaggeratedly traumatic thing that had happened to someone else.  As soon as Ellie saw the couch, though, she felt it again -- the bitchslap of reality.  She turned right back around and went outside to do a lap around the house.  "Coast is clear, Joel!" she declared loudly, in case anyone was in the woods nearby, within earshot.  "No peeping-Tom pervs trying to catch _us_ being pervs!  Maybe we should really put on a show this time!  You know, where we're _naked_ , and... like, _moaning_ and stuff... make it worth their while to trek all the way out here!"

She was kind of surprised Joel didn't try to shut her up before she said all that.  He just waited for her by the door, looking... unamused, but not really annoyed.  "You done?" he asked as she approached the door.

She breezed past him and face-planted on the offending couch where she allegedly-- _No, I can't blame the couch.  It's not the couch's fault people are idiots.  It's an innocent victim!  Like us!_

Joel sat beside her and started rubbing her back with one hand.  "Ellie, come on.  Sit up."

"Okay.  Only cuz I have to pee."

"Again?  You jus' went right--"

"Yes, again.  Be right back."

He was waiting patiently on the innocent couch when she came back.  She sighed and flopped onto it again, but this time it was into his arms instead of on her belly.  "Okay so I wasn't really peeing."

"No?"

"Nope.  I was... my aunt from Red River is coming."  That was her favorite way of announcing it.

"Ah."

"Fucking bitch," Ellie grumbled.

He settled her into the crook of his arm.  "How you feelin'?"

"Okay."  Ellie didn't suffer through 'that time of month' as much as some girls apparently did.  But, with a little guidance from Riley, she had learned the fine art of using 'female troubles' to manipulate people when needed.  Especially males; it was such a foreign, mysterious thing to them that it wasn't like they could doubt anything she said.  Not that it always worked; assholes were assholes, after all.  But Joel was usually sweet to her without having to resort to such tricks.  She could get him to do pretty much anything she wanted, any time at all, sometimes without even trying all that hard.

...with one notable exception.

It was the first time she'd gotten her period since Joel had... started touching her there.  At least this would make it easy to resist the temptation of letting him do that -- he wouldn't.  _...right?_   She was trying to remember when they'd talked about it... what had he said to her... that he'd never had sex during that time?  Did that include finger sex?  She hadn't asked him too much about it, because she really didn't want him to remember being with other girls -- _women_ , even -- and maybe start comparing them to Ellie in his mind, or whatever the fuck people with exes did... she never compared him to Riley, but did Riley really count?  They'd never gotten the chance to have anything like what she and Joel had.

Whatever.  _She_ thought it would be too gross for Joel to touch her now, so she wouldn't let him.  That would be that.  She was always a little less cuddly with him at bedtime while she had her period, too -- because what if she, like... _dribbled_ on him?  _Yuck!_   He told her not to worry about that, but the thought grossed her out.  Apparently, feminine hygiene products sometimes did manage to make their way into Jackson, but it hadn't happened since they'd arrived.  Ellie had already been used to making do without, anyway.  And the town seamstress, Millie, was experimenting with something similar to the cloth diapers the babies used; Ellie had high hopes that she would soon find a design worthy of mass production.

During the day, she mostly used toilet paper -- wads and wads of it -- but if she tried to do that at night, even if she used extra, it was more of a disaster than the rag.  One night, she'd told Joel that she was going to go sleep on the couch (with a thick blanket beneath her, just in case), and he had thought that was such a noble gesture... it wasn't really, though, because she'd known all along that he wouldn't let her.

She noticed Joel was quiet now.  Not all that unusual, but she thought for sure he'd be trying to reassure her that all was well in Joel'n'Ellie land... "What're you thinking about?" she asked him.

"Uh... nothin', really... you seem..."

"I seem what?"

"Better.  Calm.  Except for right when we got home, but... now you're calm."

"I'm still pissed," she assured him.  "You know what else?  We didn't even get to swap out our shit at the library.  I wanted to get a new tape."

"I'll get it for you tomorrow if you remind me what you wanted," Joel offered.

She didn't have anything particular in mind; she liked looking through the stacks, leisurely reading the cases (for the ones that had them), taking her sweet time.  "Thanks, but I can just do it in the afternoon, if I remember to take the Beatles one out of your backpack."  Each resident was only allowed to check out one item per media type at a time.  It was tempting to cheat sometimes (and it wouldn't be that difficult to sneak something out), but Ellie understood the reason for the rule, and she tried to respect it... mostly.

"At least you ain't ready for the next wolf book yet."

"Yeah... this one will prob'ly last me 'til your next guard shift."  They were only a couple days away from September, and she'd noticed that he would be on evenings this month -- what he called second shift (which didn't make sense, because if you counted them like a normal person would, it was actually fourth).  He was scheduled for only three shifts all month, since his construction job was his primary one.  She usually passed the time on those nights by going to a movie at the library.  By the time that was done, she'd only have maybe an hour at home without him.  But she wouldn't be doing that this week.  _Nope, that's ruined, too._

If Joel realized that she was saying she'd be staying home that night, he didn't comment on it.  "Did bein' at Maria's help?"

"Um... I guess.  Yeah.  Things seemed... pretty normal there."

"Good.  Because things ain't all that bad, see?"

Ellie chuckled.  "Joel... you don't have to try to make me feel better.  I don't want you to."

"You... don' want me to make you feel better?  Since when?"

"Well... that's nice of you and all, but... this sucks, and you don't have to tell me it doesn't."  She plucked idly at his shirt.  This was a good position for them to sit in; they could talk face to face, but if she needed a quick escape, one quick turn of her head could bury her face in his shoulder.  "I know how you feel now, about me... when you... I wanted to protect you from this.  And I couldn't.  I can't.  You were just innocently thinking everything's all good..."

Joel quirked an eyebrow.  "So now I'm innocent."

"Yes!  You were.  'Til I fucked it up."

"Oblivious, maybe.  It ain't the same thing as--"

"Yeah yeah yeah, I know.  I wasn't even talking about... the sex stuff.  I dunno... it's not just the innocence thing, or wanting to protect you... I just think that... well, isn't it a real drag having to make me feel better all the time?"

"What?  Of course not--"

"Don't lie."

"It ain't a lie."

She hadn't really expected him to _say_ that it was a drag, even if he secretly agreed that it was.  "This whole time -- ever since we've known each other, actually -- except I guess at first when you were kind of a dick and didn't care and stuff -- but after that... it's always you that has to make _me_ feel better.  Never the other way around."

Joel looked confused.  "You're... upset because you want--"

"Not _upset_.  More like... annoyed.  No-- not that, either.  Um..."

"What about when you had to nurse me back to life in Colorado?  That was you takin' care of me."

Ellie thought about that.  It was really her one redeeming feat; she was sure Joel would have died if it hadn't been for her.  Maybe a few other times on the trip as well, but those happened quickly, so they were 'easy,' in a way... merely reactive on her part.  When he was unconscious, or feverish and might-as-well-be unconscious, for such a long time... that was probably the hardest time of her life.  Physically, emotionally, mentally... even spiritually.  She could dismiss it all now, though, since it didn't reinforce her point!  "That doesn't count.  You weren't like... crying on my shoulder every day, wanting me to tell you everything's gonna be okay... you didn't even know what the fuck was going on."

"Oh yes I did -- I knew you were takin' care of me.  Sure I did."

"Okay, whatever -- you still weren't whining to me about shit."

Joel laughed.  "You still comforted me.  I seem to recall you tellin' me everythin' was gonna be okay, that I was gonna make it... _'don' worry, I got this'._.. an' you were singin' me lullabies... hey!"  He pretended it hurt when she play-punched him.

"I didn't _sing_ to you, okay?  And definitely not lullabies.  Maybe you were dreaming... or... maybe you're just messing with me now?"

He kissed her forehead.  "You're jus' so easy to mess with sometimes."

"Okay, well, that stuff doesn't count, because you were out of it.  You never... _come_ to me to make you feel better."

"Not true.  I do it all the time.  Every day."

"What?  No you don't!  You _never_ do!"  Ellie couldn't even name one time, and he claimed it happened every day?!

"Every day."

_He must not get it._   "I mean talking to me specifically because you have a problem you want help with, or you're in a bad mood for some--"

"What are you talkin' about?  I talk to you about problems all the time."

"Like what?!"

"Like... when the railing on that one cart broke right after we loaded it up real good, an' that dude Jack tried to take the--"

"That doesn't count!" Ellie interrupted exasperatedly.

"Why does nothin' ever count?" he chuckled.

"Because that's like... that's... I dunno... shallow, or something?"

"You talk to me about farm shit sometimes, too.  Jus' day to day things that happen.  We both do that.  An' sharin' that stuff feels nice, don' it?"

"Joel!" Ellie groaned.  "That's different.  You have never _once_ come to me just wanting me to hold you and tell you you're okay.  Or that everything's okay.  Or will be okay.  Whatever.  And you never cry."

"Now you want me to cry?"

He seemed really amused by all this, and it was kind of starting to get on her nerves.  "I want you... to want comfort from me.  You know?  If you feel worried or scared or... sad..."

"You've seen me cry."

"Having tears in your eyes doesn't count."

"Oh, right... nothin' counts..."

"Tears that don't come out -- that's not crying!  You've seen me sob like a baby."

"So, you want me to start bawlin' my eyes out--"

"No!  Ugghhhh, Joel, just..."  Why couldn't he just _get_ it without her having to explain every little thing?

"You want me to cry, then you don' want me to?  You ain't makin' a lot of sense, baby girl.  But you're cute."

"Maybe that's what I mean.  The... cute.  It's like... you don't take me seriously, maybe you just think I'm some clueless kid, whatever... so why _would_ you come to me for... but then, where do you go for it? _I_ want to be the one that does that for you."

"Does... what for me?"

_ARGH!_   "Tell you that everything's gonna be okay!"

Joel chuckled.  "You _do_ tell me.  Even if you don' tell me."

"Um... okay, now _you're_ not making sense."

"Maybe you don' tell me in words... I don't _ask_ you to tell me.  No.  But I do come to you, all the time, an' you make me feel better."

"You do not!  Name one time."

"Right now, for example."

"Now?  Arguing with me about it isn't _comforting."_

"It feels good jus'... sittin' with you.  That's all I need.  Just bein' with you like this... it's more... fulfillin', I s'pose is the word... more than you realize."

"But you're not upset about anything right now."

" 'Course I am.  You think I like all that shit today?"

"You're not crying, or... yelling... venting... anything like that."  Ellie snorted.  "And actually, this is turning into _you_ trying to make _me_ feel better.  _Again."_ He smiled at that, and she frowned.  "It's not funny!  I'm... trying to get you to see me as an adult... a _woman_... so maybe you can... oh, forget it."

He pulled her up fully against his chest and squeezed her... really hard, until she had to laugh breathlessly.  And then he kissed her, but the kiss was gentle and sweet... maybe on account of her lip... she wasn't irritated enough to push him away and pout or whatever.  She kissed him back.  Like she pretty much always did.  And then she could never seem to stay mad at him.

"I love you," he whispered against her lips, kissing her once more.

She always thought _'awwwww'_ when he said it first.  Even though it was like a bunch of times now.  "I love you too, but that wasn't fair... I'm trying to be mad at you..."

He settled her now with her head tucked under his neck.  "You can be mad if you want.  But... I do hear what you're sayin'.  You jus' sell yourself short, by thinkin' that... _this_... ain't a comfort to me."

"You're holding _me_ , not the other way around," she pointed out.

"Well, kiddo, that's jus'... biology?  Physics, rather.  You can hold me, but then I'd be sittin' on the floor.  Or I can sit in your lap, an' crush you.  We jus' fit better this way.  I like holdin' you prob'ly more than you like to be held, truth be told.  But when we go to bed tonight, you can hold me if you want.  How's that?"

Ellie did make him sit in her lap sometimes, for fun.  He did it on his own once in a while too, to make her laugh.  And if she woke up at night and found him on his side, facing away from her (she was happy to find that he wasn't _always_ rolling away from her in the night anymore, but he still did it), sometimes she'd roll up behind him and spoon him awkwardly, with her face pressed into his back.  They _did_ fit better the other way around.  And... if that was truly all the 'comfort' or whatever that he needed... at least she knew he wasn't getting that from anyone but her. 

"Don't you ever wish I was bigger than you?"  Her tone was lighter now; she wouldn't mind if he thought she was cute here.

"Uh... no?  Why would--"

"Cuz then you would get to know what it's like to fit completely in my arms, to be... totally surrounded by me on all sides."

He pondered it for a moment.  "That... would creep me the fuck out."

"Really?  Aww, but it would be me, still.  Just a ginormous me.  And I could lift you up and swing you around... squeeze you 'til you can't breathe... that would be _awesome_."

"Creepy," he countered with a chuckle.

She pulled back enough to smile at him.  "You know what?  Maybe everything's _not_ ruined."

" 'Course it's not.  Nothin's changed."

"Nothing?  Meaning..."

He seemed to pick up on what she meant.  "Meanin'... nothin's changed."

_I decided I wasn't going to let Christine ruin anything for me -- why should I let all those other morons do it now?!_   Since Joel didn't think it was perverted and disgusting of her to fucking _ask_ him to touch her, hopefully she could get him to see that he wasn't _coercing_ her or _manipulating_ her if she decided it was high time she returned the favor.  "Soooo... I can, um..."  She tentatively rested her hand on the crotch of his jeans.

He didn't move her hand, to Ellie's surprise.  "When you're feelin' better... physically."

"I told you -- I'm fine!"

"In a few days."

A few days... when her 'aunt' had cleared out, because God forbid she make him come when he can't do the same for her -- even though he'd done it so many times already!  But maybe it was also due to the lies fucking with his head.  Ellie snickered.  "I say we open the curtains on all the windows -- and open the windows, too, so everyone can hear stuff -- then I'll open your _pants_ and give the pervs something worth watching."

"That's awfully naughty of you, little girl."  Joel brought her hand up from his crotch to his lips and started lightly kissing her fingers.

Whenever he playfully called her 'little girl,' she had to resist the urge to call him Daddy; she'd certainly learned her lesson about _that_.  "I thought you were gonna 'Ellie' me for that."

"...Do I need to?"

"No."  She wondered what he would do if she actually started fiddling with his belt...

" 'Cause we can't throw our relationship in their faces."

"I know!  Can we talk about this tomorrow?  I wanna forget about it the rest of the night."  She snorted.  "I sound like you, huh."  More often than not, Ellie would be the one prattling on when Joel just wanted to get on with things -- going to sleep, usually.

Joel didn't respond to that observation, though.  "Uh... you got the farm in the mornin', don'tcha?  You'll be all right there?  Maybe you can have a good talk with Annie... or Esther..."

" _Not_ Esther.  Annie, yeah."

"But Esther might--"

"No.  I don't want to hear anything she has to say about it."  _Fuck Esther and her stupid fucking ageist opinions!_

He was looking at her oddly now.  "Why not?"

"I just don't.  She better not bring it up at dinner, either.  I'll leave.  I'll go eat at Maria's."

Joel chuckled.  "I don' think she'll do that, but if she does, we can jus' ask her to kindly shut the hell up."

Ellie wondered if Esther would say anything to Joel about it privately.  They had gate duty together sometimes, and they were almost what you might consider 'friends.'  She could just imagine how Esther might make Joel feel if she got into some kind of rant about child molestation or some shit.  Maybe she'd start telling him about the older guy Annie had a crush on... "When do you guys have duty next?"

"I've got it Saturday... but I don' know if it's with her."

It probably would be.  Tommy did the gate scheduling, and Ellie knew he was hoping Esther and Joel would become a _thing_ \-- in spite of each of them stating otherwise.  She had to try not to be mad at Tommy for that, because he simply didn't and _couldn't_ know the real reason that it would never happen.  "Well... I hope she's cool about it."

"Ellie, everyone who knows us... they ain't gonna believe it.  They know how I feel about you... part of it, anyhow... an' they think that anyone who cares about a young girl so much--"

" _Old_ girl!" she corrected him.

"Young lady," he amended.  "They're gonna think no way would I do that to you.  An' we have to jus' let 'em think that."

"Because you wouldn't be _doing it to me_ \-- I'd be doing it to _you_.  Because I'd want to.  There's a--"

"I thought you didn' wanna talk about it."

"I don't."  She was starting to get angry again.  _Can Joel and I just never leave this fucking house ever again?  Then I'd be happy._

He was silent for a few moments.  "Look... a few days from now, it'll be old news an' no one'll be talkin' about it anymore an' that'll be that."

"You really think so?"

"I do."

Ellie wanted to believe that so badly.  She kissed him, snuggled with him... tried to push all the nasty thoughts away -- and they did manage to get through the rest of the night without discussing it any further. 

The next few days went... about how Ellie expected.  Maybe even a little _better_ than she'd expected.  No one tried to separate her and Joel, and that was her main concern.  They hadn't gone to the library together again, and people pretty much left her alone when she was there reading to the kids or doing her library chores.

It was a bit nerve-wracking, being scrutinized by everyone around her... well, maybe not everyone.  But even people who either somehow hadn't heard the bullshit, or simply didn't care to let it alter their encounters with her, were suspect to Ellie.  As far as she was concerned, the whole town -- minus a select few -- had it in for her and Joel.  _Trust no one_.  That was the safest way to operate.  And even with those select few, Ellie had to be guarded.  The bullshit was bullshit, but... what if they could _tell_ that she wasn't being completely honest when she said nothing was going on?  Was she acting the way an innocent person was supposed to act, or should she do something different?  What were people saying about them now?  Had anyone's opinion changed?

Annie was pretty non-confrontational, so she wouldn't get into fights or even heated discussions about any of the lies, but she also wouldn't tolerate anyone talking shit about Ellie.  Even when Ellie wished she _would_ tolerate it a bit -- just so Ellie could get the scoop from her and find out if things were improving or not.  Everyone knew they were friends, so maybe Annie wasn't likely to hear much anyhow... and Annie didn't really hang out with the other teenagers much.  She never had, so Ellie didn't feel too bad about inflicting this shit on her friend.   As for Clicker... well, he didn't hang out with the other jerk-offs who were his age, but she still felt kind of bad that he had to suffer because people connected him to her.  She'd tried to fix that by offering to steer clear of him for a while, but he'd balked at that:

_"Why should we not hang out?  You didn't do anything wrong."_

_"That doesn't matter.  People are treating you different, right?  Because of me?"_

_"...not really."_

_"Yes they are.  I saw it when I got here.  And you know those fuckers are out there right now, joking about me blowing you cuz I pulled you aside to talk."_

_"Ellie, jeez--"_

_"It's not cool.  I mean, obviously, for them, cuz they're assholes, but... for me.  To let MY shit affect you like that."_

_"...It's not 'your shit.'  It's not your fault!"_

_"Well, it's not yours, either.  And it's less yours than it is mine."_

_"Who cares whose shit it is?  I don't want to not be friends with you cuz of it.  That's stupid."_

_"Not forever -- just for now.  Until it dies down."_

_"No.  No way!  It's like you said -- your real friends know the truth.  Well, same here.  If anyone's going to... be a douche over this stuff, then... fuck 'em, y'know?  You didn't do anything wrong, and I'm not going to like... AVOID you... that's like saying I agree with their douchebaggery.  Fuck that shit.  And why should I lose you as a friend when I didn't do anything wrong, either?  That's SO not cool."_

_"But I don't want you getting in trouble cuz of me, or..."_

_"Even if I get to show off all the moves you taught me?"_

_"No!  You... don't fight with people.  You're good.  That's all for like... defense.  And actually, you shouldn't have to fight with anyone -- me and Joel have your back."_

_"You... really?  No shit?"_

_"Of course!  Duh, why wouldn't we?"_

_"I dunno, I guess I just never really thought about that."_

_"HOMIES, dude.  You know that."_

_"Okay, so... I won't fight with anyone -- will you still be my friend then?"_

_"I'm still your FRIEND, it's just that--"_

_"A HANGOUT friend!  Let me have your back, too.  They can't take the sky from us!"_

_"...what?"_

_"It's from this show -- never mind.  Please, Ellie?  Don't let those douchenozzles win."_

So she made a point of continuing to game with him the way she always had.  She and Joel even had dinner at his house one night; if his parents hadn't quite been sold on their innocence before that, Ellie felt pretty confident that they were afterward.

She ignored the people who just stared, or snickered behind her back.  She confronted Jacob, who swore up and down that he had nothing to do with starting the rumor -- Ellie didn't buy his act, and it infuriated her that Annie stuck up for him, but what could she do?  No one would admit to being one of the spies, or to knowing who the spies were.  They were all a bunch of fucking cowards.  They were likely scared shitless of Joel, which was irritating.  Why did Joel have to be so fucking intimidating, anyway?  It really impeded their investigation.  But... she also loved that about him.  She couldn't even imagine being on the other end of his wrath.  Even when he was truly angry with her, he would never hurt her... but that wasn't a courtesy he extended to most people.  Even his own brother.

Ellie _tried_ to be polite to any well-meaning adults who got all up in her business... the ones who gently tried to get her to 'admit' what was going on at home... tried, with varying results.  It was always women who took that route... which made sense -- they were more meddling and nosy.  Or, a more charitable assumption:  they were more well-equipped emotionally to handle any confessions she might make.  If they immediately backed off, she was perfectly nice; people just weren't always accepting of her answers to their stupid questions.  She had to tell more than one pushy person to fuck off, or go suck a dick (and she had to bite back a sarcastic supplement to the latter)... but at least she didn't get into any more fist fights.

Joel did.  At least one that Ellie heard about.  It wasn't a _fight_ -fight; he just decked some guy who was dumb enough to not be afraid of pissing him off.  Joel didn't want to talk about it, other than to say he didn't want Ellie getting into fights herself, and that yes, he realized he was a fucking hypocrite.  Ellie didn't try to pry the details out of him; after all, she'd never disclosed any specifics of either the Christine fight or the Tyler kick, and she was _not_ a fucking hypocrite!

She thought maybe it would all blow over, like Joel had said... that they could just go back to their normal lives... She, for one, had managed to stop letting people's stupidity poison her own feelings about the matter.  And that was especially important if she was going to help Joel get over his reluctance to let her touch him.  She just had to remind him that loving touches were _not_ dirty and wrong.  That all he had to let her do was what he'd already done to her -- all of which was _good_ for them.  For their relationship.

Feeling confident one night, Ellie planned on being a little pushier than she had been.  He _had_ said before that he would try... that he was ready... and that was what she would do tonight:  try to _help_ him try.  ...and then try not to be crestfallen if it didn't work.

If only she had known what was to come. 

She couldn't have realized, of course... had no way of knowing... but Ellie might have pushed for even more, had she known that tonight would be the last time in the foreseeable future that she and Joel would share the bed.


	24. Don't Close Your Eyes

It rained that night.  A light, playful rain that waited until they got home before it began its pitter-patter-ing on the roof.  Ellie loved listening to it, especially while cuddling with Joel on the couch.  First cuddling, then making out -- nothing out of the ordinary for them... yet.

She wasn't quite sure how to bring up the sensitive subject again.  She didn't want to put Joel on the spot -- and by this point, she also didn't want to jinx anything.  She kind of just wanted things to develop naturally.  As if her getting him off would be no big deal. _Can't go wrong by starting with kisses, right?_  Deep, passionate, dizzying kisses -- and she wasn't just in his lap now, she was straddling him... rubbing herself against him.  Always guaranteed to make him hard.

 _Well, almost always_... the night of the wedding, he'd gotten it into his head (prior to getting home) that they wouldn't be fooling around, and unfortunately, his head seemed to have a great deal of control over his dick.

It didn't take quite as long this time for his body to respond appropriately.  He started to move her off of him, but she wouldn't let him.  "No.  Joel, please..."

He kissed her neck.  "All right.  We don' have to stop."

Exactly what she wanted to hear!  "Awesome!  So..."

"Let's jus' move.  Here... put your arms around my neck..."  He pulled her snug against him so he could stand up and carry her with him.

"Okay!  Don't bang me on the wall," she warned as she resumed kissing him -- just to make that task as difficult as she could.

"I got this," he murmured against her lips.

He would have made it through the doorway just fine, but Ellie leaned to her right, for no reason other than to challenge him, and bumped her shoulder on the door frame when he didn't course-correct quickly enough.  "Oww!  You banged me into the wall!"

Joel laughed -- how she _loved_ making him laugh! -- and deposited her not-so-gently onto the bed, making her giggle.  "No I didn't," he grumbled as he crawled on top of her.  "That was the door.  Also -- you cheated."

"Did not!  You must be drunk or something," she teased.

He smiled, with that sexy-as-fuck smile that Ellie loved so much -- the one that was just for her.  "Believe me.  When I _bang you into a wall,_ you'll know it."

Ellie burst out laughing.  "Omigod I didn't even think of it like that!"

"There I go, corrupting your innocence again," Joel smirked, then leaned in to kiss her.

 _Yeah, about that..._ Ellie tried to pull him down completely on top of her, but he was resisting it.  "That's okay... maybe you should demonstrate what you mean... make sure I get it..."

"Mm.  Against a wall?  That'd be real romantic for your first time."

"I don't care about it being romantic!  I'll do it however you want."

"Maybe _I_ care."  He slid over to one side of her, letting a hand fall to rest on her chest (which was, unfortunately, still clothed) as he kept kissing her.

Ellie couldn't have been happier.  _This is AWESOME.  He's in a good mood, he's joking around about corrupting me, and he's touching me like it's not something bad..._

His hand slid up her shirt and cupped her breast... or rather, her bra.  "You've got too many clothes on," he murmured.

"So do you."  She started unbuttoning his denim shirt while he tried to lift both her T-shirt and long-sleeved undershirt over her head at once.  He had to wait for her to lift her arms... then she helped him wriggle out of his shirt and tank top.

Joel liked to try to impress her by removing her bra with the one hand that could reach back there naturally when they were laying together sideways like this... but he couldn't ever do it very smoothly.  He would keep trying, and Ellie would try not to laugh... at least not too much.  She would offer to help, and he would shush her.  This time he got it without having to cheat by snaking his other arm beneath her, or by rolling her onto her stomach, to un-do the clasp.  She secretly liked that he wasn't absolutely _perfect_ at everything sex-related (not that he'd ever claimed to be, but in her mind, he might as well be God in that arena).  It somehow took a little pressure off of her to have to be _good_ at everything -- pressure she put on herself, granted, but still.

He de-pantsed her easily enough... and he let her yank his pants off, too.  He might or might not attempt to go fetch the pajama pants, but if he did try, Ellie wasn't going to let him this time.  "Joel... before, when you said we don't have to stop..."

He was kissing her neck, her shoulder, her breast..."Yeah?" he answered distractedly.

"Did you mean... we can have sex?  Cuz I'd just kinda like to know if we are.  I mean, know ahead of time.  Like, right now -- not _way_ ahead or anything.  _Now_ is ahead enough."

He lifted his face from her nipple and kissed her lips, laughing a little as he did.

"What's funny about that?"  _Did I already fuck it up??_

"You're cute."

"Um... okay."  She sighed in mock exasperation.  "How am I cute?"

"We ain't havin' sex."

"Oh."

"Nice try, though."

"I wasn't _trying_ , I was just... asking..."

They lay on the bed in their underwear like that for a little while, kissing, hands roving.  Since Ellie hadn't waited for them to go to bed to start her... seduction routine, for lack of a better term, the light was still on in the other room, lending them enough light to see by but not enough to make anyone shy.  _...And by ‘anyone’, I mean ME_ , she had to admit.  They hadn't made out like this in nearly a week... since before Ellie got her period (which was gone now, thankfully).  Wherever Joel kissed Ellie on her body, she would try to mirror on him afterward, tentatively, asking if he liked it... and he always said he did, and that she should relax.  His fingers danced across her underwear, which didn't exactly help with the relaxing.  She tensed a little, and kept wondering -- hoping -- _THIS time is he going to slip one under there?_ ...but so far, he was only teasing her.

 _Wait -- I'm not supposed to want him to do that._   "Joel, you said... before... remember?  You said I could... touch you."  _A long time ago now!_

"I did say that."  He rubbed her arm.  Didn't say anything else, although it seemed like he wanted to... maybe he couldn't find the words, or... was he waiting for a cue from her?

She trailed her fingers down his chest, his abdomen... he wasn't stopping her, but she stopped herself before she got all the way down to the bulge in his boxers.  She could feel him tense up.  Was he tensing the way she had, in anticipation?  Or was it something else?  "Are you grossed out right now?" she blurted, then immediately kicked herself for the complete unsexiness of the question.

"No."

She hoped he was telling the truth; it was hard to tell.  She inched her hand lower.  Kissed his lips.  "Do you want me to...?" she breathed.

"Yes... no."

 _He said yes first -- that must be his gut answer..._ but she was frozen in fear now.  Then he rolled over onto his back and laid his forearm across his eyes... _in defeat?  Or what?_  "...no?  You don't?"

He didn't answer.

Ellie swallowed a lump in her throat.  "It's okay," she said meekly.  _It's okay it's okay it's okay REALLY_ , she told herself.  _This is just hard for him..._

And for the first time since they'd come into the bedroom tonight, she started thinking about the shit that people were saying.  About how _wrong_ they were to think Joel was sick.  How the thought of Joel and her engaging in sexual acts was a source of amusement and/or revulsion to everyone.  It made her angry and sad at the same time.  She didn't want to be thinking about that, and she'd been so fucking sure she _wouldn't_ be thinking about it... not now!  ...but... if Joel was repulsed, too...

She waited for him to say something.  He just lay there.  She rolled onto her other side, her back toward him.  For some reason, she felt like crying.  He hadn't even said or done anything to justify that.  _No!  Ellie, don't cry like a little bitch... unless he leaves the room..._ he wouldn't do that, surely... but he was still just laying there, not even acknowledging that she'd rolled away.  _Maybe he's annoyed.  Maybe he's thinking 'oh God, she's gonna cry, guess I better think up some bullshit real quick'..._ She didn't know if Joel ever really thought that, but the Joel in her head said things like that to her sometimes.  The Joel in her head could also be kind of mean.

"I'm sorry," she said, and she forced her voice to sound normal when she added, "It's okay.  I'm okay."  _Or I'll pretend to be, if it will make you not want to leave._   She couldn't make herself roll back over to him yet, though.

He rolled over to her instead, and she exhaled a big breath that she hadn't even realized she'd been holding in.  "You didn' do anythin' wrong, baby girl. _I'm_ sorry."  He kissed her shoulder.

"You didn't do anything wrong, either."  It wasn't _his_ fault she disgusted him.

"I didn' mean to make you think..."  He snuggled up behind her, burying his face in her hair.  "Let me try to explain."

"You don't have to," she said quickly. _Translation:  please don't, or I WILL cry._

He didn't hear her silent plea.  "I want to.  When you asked me if I wanted you to... yes, of course I want that.  But if I say that, I'm doin' exactly what everyone who believes that rumor thinks I'm doin' -- coercin' you into--"

"It doesn't matter what they think," she interrupted.  He'd tried so many times to explain himself to her, and nothing he said ever helped her understand.  That _'of course'_ was promising, though.  Like it was a given that he would want her to touch him there, despite all his reluctance?  It was just strange to think that Joel actually _cared_ what others thought.  "You said so yourself!  It doesn’t matter.  Who cares?  I know it's hard not to think about that, cuz I did too, a little, but..."

"It ain't them.  It's... the idea behind it.  That's always been in my head."

"I know.  You've told me.  You feel... dirty."

"Yes.  Not because of _you_ \-- because of what I'd be askin' you to do."

"You're not asking -- I'm offering."

"You were askin'.  Askin' if I wanted you to."

"So... I _did_ do something wrong."

"No--"

"I did!  I should tell you _I_ want to, not ask if _you_ want me to!" Ellie said excitedly, twisting her torso a little to try to look at him.  That made sense!  She could do that!

He nuzzled her cheek instead of her hair when she turned.  "No... that wouldn' change it much.  It's the same result:  I'll think you're jus' doin' it 'cause you wanna please me."

She sighed and fell back into her former position, completely on her side.  "What's wrong with that?  Don't you touch _me_ because you want to please me?"

He started idly fondling the breast that wasn't half-smushed into the bed.  "I was... a little slow to do that at first, too... I didn' want you to let me touch you jus' 'cause you thought it's what I wanted.  But... I got over that.  Because it was real clear that you enjoyed it.  Me touchin' you."

"I do!" she affirmed.

"So... in my head, it ain't the same thing as you touchin' me... if I let you do that, it's like I'm takin' advantage of you, for my own... gratification.  I'd be usin' you to--"

 _Not this again!_   "But I use _you_ all the time!"

He kissed her ear, making her shiver.  "Ain't the same thing.  An' I _love_ that... it's hot as hell."

"Well, it would be pretty fucking hot if I did it to you, don't you think?!"

He started kissing her neck again, and she went even slacker than she already was.  "It just ain't the same."

"Joel--"

"I know... I'm crap at explainin'... ...I'm _so_ much older than you, Ellie.  I've done all this before.  You haven't.  An'... well, I'm the guy.  I know you think I'm a chauvinist pig, but... it's _different._   It really is."

 _It's always DIFFERENT!_   She sighed.  "Well, I can't help it that I've never done it.  So... can you pretend you _haven't_ done this before?  -And that you're a girl?" she suggested.

He chuckled at that.  "Uh..."

"Or... pretend I'm older.  Pretend I'm thirty-five."  She snorted.  "Pretty stupid for a thirty-five-year-old to suck at it though, huh.  I'll have to also pre--"

"No, this has nothin' to do with your intelligence.  If you were thirty-five an' hadn' done this before, it wouldn' make you stupid."

"Yeah yeah, whatever.  So... wouldn't that help?  Pretending I'm older?"  That was just too simple, if it worked...

He kissed above her ear and stayed there, his face in her hair again.  "I don' want you to be older."

"What?!  Well, _I_ wanna be older.  Fuck -- if I was older, we wouldn't have half the problems we have now."

"But... it wouldn' be you.  You're... the way you are... you're the Ellie I'm in love with.  I wouldn' change anythin' about you.  -Except maybe to make you a little more sure of yourself.  A little more sure of _me_.  Knowin' that I'm not goin' to leave you."

"I do know that!" _And I can fake it when I don't._

"Not all the time, you don't.  Which is fine.  In time, I hope you will.  I'll keep remindin' you."

"You don't have to do that.  You must be sick of it by now."

"Nope.  Not sick of... showin' you I care."

"You're not?"  Not that she doubted him on that -- she just wanted him to say it again!  _See, everyone?  I'M the manipulative one here._

"Not at all.  I love you."

"I love _you_."  She twisted her head around to kiss him.  "Like crazy.  God, it's like... you have no idea how much I love you."  _Jeez -- sappy much, Ellie??_ And she couldn't even blame it on alcohol this time.  At least he couldn't see her face turn red, with the dim lighting.

"I think I have some idea."  He caressed her cheek, and she turned toward him with her entire body.  When he kissed her tenderly, she kissed him back eagerly, deepening the kiss.  Hitching her leg up over his hip, which almost always made him put his... _yep, this time too!_ -hand on her ass.  He pulled her closer and groaned softly.

"Joel, tell me what to do... or, show me, whatever... I really _really_ want to."  It wasn't so dark that she couldn't look him squarely in the eye.  "I want to show you _I_ care, the way you show me."

He seemed to be studying her face.  "I know you care."

 _At least he didn't say no!_  "I'm your girlfriend.  Or, close enough," she added before he could reject the label.  "If I was with anyone else -- not that I'd ever want to be! -- but say I was.  Wouldn't I be doing this stuff with that guy, cuz I'm his girlfriend?  Why would _that_ be okay, but it's not if the guy is you?"

"I never said it would be okay for _anyone_ to--"

"Okay okay-- just forget your... protective dad thing.  You're not here.  For some reason.  Which I guess means I never met you, cuz this would _never_ happen otherwise.  I'm just a girl who gets a boyfriend, and he's prob'ly a dick, cuz according to you, the only thing boys want is sex.  Right?  So, obviously he doesn't love me.  He just wants to fuck--"

"I know what you're sayin'," Joel cut in.  "Believe me.  It's one thing that makes me feel better about... us.  Bein' together."

"It does?  How?" Ellie asked eagerly, although if he was following her train of thought, she already knew.  _Anything that makes Joel feel BETTER needs to be encouraged!_

" 'Cause that's _not_ what I want from you.  The sex.  Never has been.  That's why it's hard for me... to... use you, that way."

Ellie groaned.  That wasn't what he was supposed to say!  He was supposed to talk about how he truly _loved_ her and wanted to protect her from assholes and stuff.  _Fuck!  Now I'd better come up with something quick -- something besides the you're-not-using-me argument that always falls on deaf ears!  He CAN'T be laying here with a boner thinking that he doesn't want sex--_

Joel chuckled at her groan -- and maybe her expression, too, if it betrayed the wheels spinning in her brain... "I'm tryin' to say I... respect you more than that.  More than some horndog teenage boy would.  I ain't exactly provin' that point if I go ahead an'--"

"You don't need to prove anything like that!" Ellie wailed.  _GOD, he's so fucking FRUSTRATING sometimes!_   "It would be better proof if you... ugh, I dunno... if you love me, you can show me that by letting me..."

"Jus' let you do what you want?"

"Yes!  _Please_ , Joel."

He seemed to be thinking again... but was he taking her point of view into consideration, or was he trying to come up with another way to say no?  _Or... what if he's trying to psyche himself up to go along with this because it's what **I** want... even though he's way uncool with it..._ That meant she was being a bully again.  She was doing to Joel what he was afraid teenage boys would do to _her --_ if she was in some alternate reality where she might actually want to be with one, that is.

Ellie didn't want that.  She wanted him to be _okay_ with everything.  _...it's NOT bullying_ , she told herself.  _Because the reason he's uncomfortable isn't because he's not ready to... experience sex, or whatever... the only problem is me and my fucking age._

She stroked his beard to bring him out of whatever headspace he'd gone to.  "Hey, listen.  If you can't pretend I'm older... pretend I'm someone else, if it helps?  Like, some woman who... used to touch you, like this..." _What the fuck am I saying?!  But hey, if it helps..._ "Don't tell me who," she continued bravely.  "Just close your eyes and pretend.  Except... fuck, that person would do it better, though.  Um... pretend I'm her but that I kinda forgot how, cuz it's been a long time.  That could happen, right?"

He tucked her hair behind her ear... and smiled, just a little.  He wasn't laughing at her, although he looked maybe a little bit amused... no, the way he was looking at her now -- that was his I-love-you smile.  "Ellie, I don' want you to be anyone else.  I don' want you to be older, I don' want to pretend you're some other woman -- I jus' want you.  The way you are right now."

She had to kiss him for that.  "Soooo... does that mean I can try to... um..."

"Yes it does."

"Yes?" An unequivocal fucking _yes_.  _Yesssss!_

"Yeah, jus'... let your hand wander around... wherever, first."

"And you... won't be thinking about anyone else?"

"Nope."

She wasn't sure she could have actually gone through with it, knowing he was thinking about another woman. _I'd rather wait months and months for him to be ready for ME!_   Because wasn't that the whole point?  "Don't close your eyes," she told him.  Just in case she'd inadvertently planted that seed.

He was quiet a moment, then he sang softly, "~Let it be me...~"

"What?" Ellie smiled; she loved it when he did that.  "What's that from?"

He chuckled.  "Old country song came to mind when you said that.  About this dude in love with a girl who's in love with someone else, an' he knows it.  Shit, I don' think I've even heard it in twenty-five, thirty years."

Ellie found it funny how Joel could distinguish between old and new when really it was all old as fuck.  Songs written in the few years leading up to the outbreak were perpetually new, even though they were older than she was!  "That's so sad.  Poor guy.  So if she closes her eyes, he thinks..."

"That she's thinkin' about the other guy, yeah."

"And he doesn't care?!"

"Oh, he cares.  He's singin' a damn song about it, ain't he?"

"But he still-- they're still... fucking, or whatever.  So..."

"So, he loves her.  He'll take what he can get.  An' hope that maybe after a while... her feelin's will change."

"Awww.  So sad!" Ellie repeated.  "I wanna hear the song.  Do they have it at the library, you think?"

"Maybe.  If I can jus' remember who sang it... we can look.  Remind me some time."

"If we ever get to go to the library together again," she grumbled.

"Of course we will."  He leaned his forehead against hers.  Cupped her cheek and stroked it with his thumb.  "We got as much right to be there as anyone else, kiddo."

 _Why did I even bring that up?!_   "I know, I know.  Okay, so -- neither one of us is gonna think about anyone else, cuz we're in love with each other," she said matter-of-factly.

"Right."

"I guess you can close your eyes if you feel like it, then."

"That's very kind of you."

She smiled and started kissing him.  _Enough talking!  Time to get to it before he changes his mind--_ "Can I... take your underwear off?"

"Actually... ladies first.  But keep your panties on."

She was confused for a second but then realized he meant he wanted her to go first, orgasm-wise. And he had that thing about both of them not being all-the-way naked at the same time (aside from in the shower, apparently).  "Should I still let my hand...?"

"Yeah."

"Okay.  You know, you should go first.  I shouldn't even go at all -- I have to catch up to you."

"Pssh.  No score-keepin'.  Besides, touchin' you is such a turn-on... it'll be real easy for you... for your turn."

"Oh."  She giggled a little.  "Can we maybe… go at the same time?"

"We can try."  He didn't sound very convinced that that would work.  But he did pull his boxers down, moving her leg aside, and then kicked them off.

She kind of wanted to just grab his dick straight away, but... he never did it that way with her.  Never just thrust his hand down there.  Maybe that was wrong.  He started kissing her... slowly, but deeply... he pulled her snugly against him again, then shook his head, laughing a little.  At himself, it seemed to Ellie.

"What?  There's a barrier," she reminded him -- she still had her underwear on, per his request.

"There is," he acknowledged.  "Just ain’t sure it'll hold."

An image popped into her mind.  It wasn't a funny one, yet she had to laugh.

"What?" he asked, puzzled.

"Nothing... um, remember when we were running from infected, and we would like... try to decide if the barricades or barriers or whatever would hold?"

"... ... _That's_ what you're thinkin' of right now?"

She nodded, giggling at the mock outrage on his face.

He pulled away from her to face-plant on the pillow, and groaned.  "Here I am, tryin' to be sweet to you, an' you're thinkin' about _infected_ , of all things."

"Aww, it's okay.  I like you better than them.  I don't _want_ to be thinking about them.  You could... make me forget?" she suggested impishly.  She hugged him and started kissing his face; she couldn't really reach his mouth until he lifted it off of the pillow a little.  She was still a little giggly when he turned his face toward hers for a kiss on the lips.  "I had no idea that like a year later, my underwear would be the barrier."

He chuckled.  "You would've freaked out if you knew that."

" _You_ would have!"

"Maybe we both would have."

She grinned at him.  "This is fun.  Maybe not as sexy as it's supposed to be?  But fun."

"Still sexy, an' this is _exactly_ how it's s'posed to be."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah.  You bein' you.  Enjoyin' yourself."

"You are, too..."  Just a hint of a question there...

"I am, too.  Yes."  And his smile underlined the words.

Ellie had a good feeling this time that Joel would be okay with everything.  When she let her hand graze him, he didn't pull away or move it off of him or anything.  While they were kissing, she experimentally ran the tips of her fingers up the length of his dick and rested her hand on top.  There was like... a little ridge-type thing there that she could trace with her fingers.  Joel never made any embarrassing little noises the way she did when he touched her, so it was hard to tell if he liked stuff sometimes, but when she did that, he broke the kiss to whisper something that sounded like _"that's good"_... or maybe _"feels good."_   She tried to keep repeating the motion... though she was a little distracted by his fingers playing with the edge of her panties... _Focus, Ellie!_  "You okay?" she asked him.

He smiled.  "You don' gotta ask me that. I'm the one who's s'posed to--"

"Joel, for fuck's sake!  I'm allowed to-- ohhhh fuck..."  His teasing fingers had finally made their way beneath her panties, and she forgot what she was going to say... forgot that she was touching him, too... she wanted to spread her legs, but that was kind of hard to do while laying on her side.  She extended her leg in the air, but that wasn't good enough; she rolled onto her back, pulling Joel on top of her... well, his torso, anyway.  She wasn't about to try to interrupt that hand from its current activity, and she could kiss him like this...

"You're so wet," he breathed, making her giggle a little.  He kissed his way down to her breast.

"Oh -- yeah, kiss me there -- that's like... _God_ , Joel... mmnnhhh...."

He flitted his tongue over her nipple.  "This way, I get to hear you talk."

"Moan, more like... uuunnnhh..." _So embarrassing!_   But Joel always said he loved the weird babble and sounds that escaped her mouth.  "Oh man... slow down a little, you're gonna make me... ahhh -- um... I don't wanna come yet, mmm... oh!"  She was a little surprised to feel a nip on her nipple.  It was quickly followed by the sucking she was more familiar with.

"Didja like that?" he asked her, planting wet kisses elsewhere on her breast.

"Um..."

"You can say no.  Personal preference thing."

She _thought_ she liked it, kind of... it just startled her... she _wanted_ to like it... "Uh... do it to the other one and I'll let you know?"

He chuckled and shifted up to kiss her on the mouth first.  The hand had all but stopped moving, and Ellie pushed against it a little.  "You sorta stopped..."

"Sorry."  He resumed the finger movements and began to kiss and lick and suck on her other nipple.

"Yeahhhh... Joel... oh _fuck_ it feels good when you... ahhhh... Joel... fuck... Joel!"  She was actually trying to get his attention with that second 'Joel'...

...and he could actually tell, somehow.  "Hmm?"  He glanced at her.

"I love you," she told him.  "Don't say it back, don't talk at all, just keep... doing what you're... mmm... oh!  There-- You-- yeah, I think I do like that... a little... maybe not like... a bunch of times at once, or..." He had moved up to kiss her neck now, and though she just wanted this to go on and on, she was afraid it was going to be over all too soon.  "Wait -- stay up here..." She yanked his hand up to her clit; if he slipped a finger inside her now, she was afraid she'd come in like two seconds.  "Just... kinda slow-like... so you can keep doing it forever... uuuggghhh that still feels too good, maybe just... half-ass it, like..." She kept shifting his hand around, trying to find a good-but-not-TOO-good spot.  "There.  I think.  Fuck..."

"Yes ma'am."  He nuzzled her hair, and he must've been grinning pretty big, because she could _feel_ it.  "Anythin' I can do to serve you better, you jus' let me know."

She giggled a little.  "Oh but... I didn't mean it like... you're so good... you're amazing and... I just want it to... I'm being so selfish... mmmnnn..."

"You're bein' hot as hell, is what you're bein'."  He kissed her cheek, and continued to kiss her face... pretty much everywhere but her mouth.  She bucked a little harder at his hand, yearning for more contact but not wanting it to be over too soon. 

Her underwear was really annoying her; she didn't want to feel anything but Joel down there.  "Keep your hand where it is, 'kay?"  She rolled her hips up so that her legs were sticking up in the air and she could yank her panties up and off.  "I can't stand having-- can you help me with these?  I'll put 'em back on the second I'm done if you want-- oh but sit up more so you can use your other hand, the one that's not busy..."  He had actually paused the busy hand already, which was probably the only reason she was coherent at the moment... although he hadn't removed it from her crotch.

"Or I could use my teeth..."

"No!  Gross -- I was... rubbing, like... they're all... goopy..."

He chuckled.  "Not gross.  But I might have to move my hand an' I don' want you yellin' at me for that, so..."  He ditched the teeth idea and opted to go the traditional hand route, but still had to lift the 'pleasure hand' long enough to swing it beneath her leg instead of resting on top of it, the way it had been.  He did have to sit up a little to use the far-away hand, and her leg fell to rest on his shoulder as he crouched in front of her.  "There you go..." He studied her underwear for a moment.  "Shit, that hole on the one side got bigger."  Then he flung her panties backwards.

His words were only mildly amusing, she knew, but for some reason they struck Ellie as hilarious, and then seeing her underwear fly through the air made her lose it completely.

Joel seemed amused, if a bit bewildered, by her laughter.  As usual, though, it made him smile.  "What the hell is so funny?"

Ellie sobered as the pleasurable sensations began to extinguish the urge to laugh.  His hand had moved down again, but she didn't protest; she didn't think she could stand not-coming much longer anyway.  "The me-yelling-at-you comment... the... casual way you... mentioned the hole... and then throwing them... I dunno... mmmmmmmm... _fuck..._ yeah... you're a... a funny--"

And then he was kissing her, his tongue entering her mouth as his finger slid inside her.  She 'mmmmm'd -- quite loudly, considering the sound couldn't even escape her mouth -- and bucked faster than before... a little more awkwardly, as the leg Joel had 'captured' was now folded up and getting squished to her chest.   Another finger... his thumb? ...was roving over the outside as his finger – _fingers,_ plural... it had to be more than one -- thrust on the inside... or maybe he wasn't moving at all, and her own movements created the illusion of it... it felt so unbelievably fucking good that she wished it would never end... and it did last a little longer than she expected, because when she thought she was going to come, she didn't -- if only for another five seconds or so.  Or maybe it was like she started to come, but it was taking longer than usual...

Joel could always seem to tell when she was about to orgasm, even when she didn't announce it... it was probably more than a little obvious as her bucking pace went from fast to furiously fast, her moaning got a little more... desperate-sounding?  And if they were kissing, as they were now, she would pull him as close as she could, and pretty much smash their faces together... it was almost violent.  Ellie thought of it as violent, anyway; Joel classified it as 'fucking hot.'

He slid his hand out and rested it on her belly, smoothed her hair off her forehead and nuzzled her neck... she was hugging him against her still, so her leg was still coiled, but the rest of her was utterly relaxed.  "Holy fucking _shit_ , Joel," she declared as she waited for her breathing to regulate itself.  "That came outta nowhere."

"Uh, not exactly -- you were steamed up for quite a while first."

"Well -- the end part.  Omigod.  There's no way sex could feel any better than that."

"Nope," he agreed.  "No way in hell.  That's why we don' gotta have it."

She giggled.  "Oh yes we do.  You're not getting out of it _that_ easily, mister."

"Damn." 

She bopped him on the arm for that.  "Hey, the sex would be to your benefit too, y'know.  You might actually like it."

He pretended to mull it over.  "Mm... I might.  Maybe.  You know what I like?  That little sound you made at the end, it's like a... little whimpering noise..."

"I don't whimper!"

"You do.  That sound... Jesus Christ, you have no idea what that does to me."

She suddenly remembered that she was allowed to reciprocate this time.  She slowly snaked one hand downward... and he didn't stop her.  She blindly felt around until she found it... "I think I have some idea," she mimicked his words from earlier, grinning.  "I can help you with that... right?  Wait -- not a question.  You said I could, and I'm going to.  Scoot," she added, trying to imitate the authority in his voice when he told her to do stuff.  She nudged him over onto his back.

He was _so huge_.  She was pretty sure it was bigger now than she'd ever seen it.  She had to try not to stare.  _...right?_   Maybe Joel didn't care if she did.  She hadn't looked much when she'd washed him in the shower that one time (and they hadn't showered together since).  _But he doesn't really look at me when he... does his thing..._ she took hold of him, then looked at his face.  His eyes were half-closed... but in a heavy-lidded way, not a cringe-y way.  He seemed pretty content.  Or at least, not freaked out.  "Is it like... perverted or something, if I... well... you know.  Look?"

"Look at what?"

She gave _him_ a Look, and he smirked a little.  "Oh.  Right.  No, look all you want.  You've seen me -- you looked before, remember?  The look-don't-touch that night?"

"Yeah, but that was rude."

"Rude?" he laughed.  "But I invited you to do it."

"Well... you never look at me like that... staring, like..."

"Hmm.  If I did it to you, that might be a little rude, yeah."

"Why??  It's the same thing!"

"No, it's different.  For one thing--"

"Okay okay okay shut up -- I don't wanna argue and then have you decide that this is..." _...wrong/gross/disgusting/perverted/sick/fucked up/take your pick!_   She knew she wouldn't exactly be planting ideas in Joel's head if she said any of those things, but she didn't want to draw them to the forefront of his mind.  "Just tell me what to do.  What feels good."

"What you're doin' is good."

She laughed.  "I'm not doing anything!"

"Your hand's on me, ain't it?  It's good.  Jus'... be gentle."

"Be gentle?"  The phrase 'jerking off' did not call to mind gentle caresses.  Nevertheless, she kept her touch light as her fingers wandered.  _He's so hard now!_

"Yeah... like that... that's nice..."

She trailed her hand down to his balls... his male bits were all nestled in his pubic hair -- _yeah, NESTled, like a bird sitting in its nest!_   The whole area seemed like something completely separate from his body that had just been planted there.  How could all this have secretly been tucked inside his pants ever since she'd known him, and she'd been none the wiser?  But she knew that was a silly thought (because _duh_ , guys have penises! -in their pants!), and she didn't share it with Joel because she didn't want him to laugh at her now.  Her hand moved up the side to the top, and she was surprised to find wetness there.  She gasped.  "You... finished?"  _How can that be?!_

"...huh?"

"It's... wet up here."  She had thought it would be… well, more of an event than that.

"… ...No, that's... uh..."

 _So much for him not laughing at me!_  He was just smiling, actually.  Whatever -- he was amused, and she had wanted to avoid that... at least for this.  "It's what?  I thought after you did that, it was supposed to get... you know.  Soft."

"That's jus' what comes out before... sometimes... when I was touchin' you, I... it, uh... -I won't come jus' from what you're doin' now," he concluded... unhelpfully.

"Oh."  But she still didn't get it, and she didn't want to amuse him any further by asking for clarification.  _How the fuck did it get wet if he didn't actually come?  Guys don't get wet first, that's a girl thing... isn't it?_  She didn't know if he was having trouble finding the words because of the topic or because of what her hand was doing.  Given that he'd just told her she wasn't going to make him come, it was probably the former.  "Then tell me what I'm supposed to be doing!" she snapped.

"I told you, you're doin' it.  Jus'... play.  Once you start..." He made a vague gesture.  "I won't last all that long, so... here, you can use that to... help you..."  He guided her hand over the top and then in an up-and-down motion, showing her how her hand could glide along more easily when slicked up with that... goop.  "Yeah... that's good.  Keep doin' that."

She kind of wanted to dry her hand on the sheet or his leg or wherever, but she told herself it wasn't gross.  That only a little girl would think it was gross, and she didn't want Joel to think she was a little girl.  _It's not like it's pee!  It's... man stuff... it's sexy... yeah, Joel always thinks it's sexy when I'M wet, even though it's GROSS..._ And the slickness did make it easier to slide her hand up and down...

"You okay?" he asked her.

"Of course!"  She paused to give him a quick kiss and a smile.  "And... you're okay?  Right?"

"I'm good... _real_ good... you can mix it up a little... that part there... it's real sensitive, so you can... mm, yeah... good... an' then back to... maybe a little faster now..."

Ellie concentrated on what she was doing, and forgot all about the grossness or non-grossness of it all.  Joel kept saying she was doing good, but he made little adjustments (...corrections?!) to her movements at times.  At least he wasn't going soft -- she knew that would be a _true_ indicator of her fucking this up.  But he also wasn't moaning, or babbling, or whatever.  "Why aren't you making any noise?" She couldn't help sounding accusatory.

"What do you mean?  I _am_."

"No you're not!  If I can't hear you, it doesn't count."

He smiled.  "You know you're more... _vocal_ , than me..."

"Because you fucking _told_ me to be!"

"I mean in general... why are you gettin' mad?" he chuckled.

"Cuz I make embarrassing noises all the time and now it's your turn and you won't do it!"

"What do you want me to do?  OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" It was so exaggerated, so high-pitched and loud that she had to laugh in spite of herself.

Then she tried to sound mean when she said, "You're a fucking prick!" and abandoned her hand job duty to hit him in the chest.  With both hands.

"Hey hey hey -- calm down," he said, still looking far too amused for Ellie's liking.  He grabbed her and pulled her against his side.  "Be nice.  How 'bout you kiss me instead of yell at me, hmm?"

She humored him with some kissing, but when he placed her hand back on his dick, she got too distracted; she had to watch.  _And how awesome is it that he just put my hand there like it's no big deal?!_   He kept his hand on hers this time, moving it up and down in a steady rhythm.  Applying some pressure, but not squeezing the shit out of the thing.  - _More like the COME out of it_ , she snickered to herself.  _Whatever's left in there that hasn't leaked out already._  

He let go, and she _thought_ she kept on doing it the same way, but soon he was grabbing her hand again.  "What?  Am I doing it wrong?" she fretted.

"No!  No, you're doin' good.  I'm jus' gonna help you go faster."  His eyes were closed, his breathing might have been a little accelerated... but he still wasn't making noise.  Not really.  Barely audible little grunts, maybe?

She almost complained about the lack of sound again, but... he did seem to be enjoying it.  Even if it was _his_ hand doing all the work now... her hand was still involved, sandwiched between his hand and his dick.  She could bitch about her incompetence later, and he'd tell her it was okay, that she'd do better next time.  The arm that was holding her close was practically crushing her now -- and she liked that, so she wasn't inclined to try to move.  Their hands were moving unbelievably rapidly... and to Ellie's delight, his quiet grunty sounds got slightly louder.  "Ellie, I'm gonna... this'll be messy... unnnhhh..."

He wasn't lying.  Before she could ask what she was supposed to do next, the stuff was spurting out all over their hands, spilling onto his stomach.  "Whoa," she breathed, watching the geyser raptly.

He pulled her up a little, kissed the top of her head, then loosened his grip on her.  "Shit.  I should've grabbed a towel or somethin' first.  Wasn't thinkin'."

"I'll go get one!" she chirped.  "You just relax."  She scurried across the hall to the bathroom and quickly rinsed off her hand in the sink before grabbing the hand towel.  Maybe she should've licked her hand, like Joel licked his fingers after... but if she was supposed to do that, Joel hadn't said, and the warm fluid hadn't seemed particularly appetizing.  _I should've at least TASTED it, though.  Just so I'd know what it's like.  Fuck!  Next time._   She certainly wasn't going to do it in front of Joel with the remaining jizz, because what if she didn't like it and he could tell?

She returned to the bed and started mopping up his stomach, and he took the towel from her to finish the clean-up himself.  She perched on the bed next to his legs.  "So how do you feel?"

"Good."

"Not amazing?  Just good?"  She tried not to pout like a little girl.

"Amazin'.  Thank you."

"Pfff.  You did it all yourself."

"No I didn'.  That was better than when I do it myself, trust me... I guess we can use the other towel as a hand towel for a bit..."

"You mean I can't just go hang it back up?"

"No," he said with a snort.

She snickered.  "I'll go throw it in Sophie's face.  'Here, wash _this!_ '' Do people do that, you think?  I mean, I guess they must... they wash sheets and stuff over there..."

"You can't just--"

"I know, I know.  She could just think it's from you doing it yourself, though, right?  I mean, _she_ doesn't know that you never do that," she teased.  _He totally just admitted that he does, but I can still keep up the joke!_

Joel smirked.  "It ain't that.  It's... inconsiderate."

Ellie gasped as an unwelcome thought sprang into her head.  "Oh God... she'd prob'ly roll it up real tight and shove it up her cunt if she thought--"

"Ellie!"

"Sorry."  Ellie giggled at his shocked-yet-stifling-a-laugh expression.  She could be really crass and vulgar when she was joking around -- or when she was pissed off -- but when it came to actual sex talk or sexual acts, she got all stupidly shy and self-conscious about using such words.  "Well, in case she gets any ideas..." She grabbed the towel and rolled it up a little, stuck it between her legs and moved it back and forth a few times, then tossed it on the floor in the general vicinity of her panties.  "There!"

"You're bad," Joel laughed.  "C'mere."

She clambered back up on the bed on top of him, and he wrapped his arms around her, hugging her to his chest.  "I'll wash it in the sink tomorrow," she offered.

"That's a better idea, yes."

She wriggled up a little to tuck her head under his chin.  "So... how do you _really_ feel?  I mean... not physically."

"...Good."

"You don't feel bad at all?"  She was afraid to look at his face, and her head was in a good spot to avoid that now.  _If you're gonna lie, I can pretend better this way..._

"Uh... not bad, no.  Maybe... if I'm bein' perfectly honest... a little guilty."

"Joel--"

"But not that bad, all right?  I'm... fine with takin' that step."

"Good.  You didn't do anything wrong," she said, figuring that reinforcing the good stuff couldn't hurt.  "I've been bugging you for a long time to do that, and... you let me because you love me.  Not cuz of... anything else.  It was fun, right?"

"Right."

"You'll let me do it again?"

"Sure."

"Cuz I need to practice, right?  So from now on, you don't ever do that yourself, you just come get me and... tell me it's time."

Joel laughed.  "No.  I ain't gonna... Oh -- all right, that's fine, 'cause as you know, I never jerk off."

She was glad he still wanted to play that little game, too.  "Oh!  Right!  Fuck, how am I going to get any practice then?"

"You goin' somewhere?"

She shifted to the side and lifted her head to look at him.  "What?  No, why would I be going somewhere?!"

"I jus' mean I don' think you gotta worry about gettin' enough practice, whether or not I... do it myself.  We got all the time in the world.  A whole bunch of nights lined up.  When it starts gettin' cold?  First time we get snowed in here..."

"When we have nothing better to do than have sex?"  She giggled a little.

"Don' know about _that_... but I reckon you'll get all the practice you want."

She smiled.  "You're right.  As long as we're together. Thank you... for letting me.  I love you."  She kissed his cheek.

"Aww.  Love you too, baby girl, an' shit, you don' gotta... _thank_ me..." He shook his head and chuckled.  "Scooch over.  I gotta take a leak an' go close up before I get too tired."

There wasn't anything to 'close up,' per se; the door had been locked the whole night, and no windows were open.  Ellie knew he meant to do his nighttime routine.  Except... "You're not going outside like that, are you?" she called after him.

"What, naked?  No.  I think I can skip that part."

"Good, cuz I think it's raining harder now, too.  Sing the song!"

"I ain't singin'."

"Aww, c'mon..."

"It's your song -- _you_ sing it," he tossed back at her.

"It's not mine!  It's from _your_ past," she pointed out.

"I don' even remember the words."

For someone who wanted to be a singer in a past lifetime, Joel didn't really sing to her all that often.  She'd discovered a song about a place closing for the night, Joel had recognized it from a million years ago, and she had concluded that he should make it part of his closing routine.  "~Closing time... turn off all the lights... um... You don't have to go home... but you can't ~ stay ~ heeeeere~" she offered helpfully.

"See, it don' even make sense 'cause we're already home."

She heard him peeing in the bathroom, and idly wondered why the pee hadn't come out with everything else, while she was rubbing him.  _Ewww!_  Then she hugged herself and just lay there, smiling, listening to the rain pelting the roof, thinking about how lucky she was that Joel loved her.

Twenty minutes later, Joel hadn't fallen asleep yet, but he was close.  They'd shared a glass of water -- just the little half-size tumbler from the bathroom.  Put their pajamas on, because Joel insisted they couldn't sleep naked.  They'd talked a little bit, Ellie snuggled up to him like always... she didn't feel all that tired, and she was the one who had to get up early.  But she could tell Joel wasn't that into talking at the moment.  He claimed that she'd worn him out (although it seemed like he was joking).  She remembered that magazine article about guys falling asleep almost immediately after they come, and she'd kept him awake a good long while after that, so perhaps he wasn't just pretending to be tired to avoid talking -- which he totally did sometimes.  He denied it, but Ellie could tell.

She was still a little thirsty.  She slithered away from him and he barely seemed to notice.  _Yep, almost out!_  She padded over to the bathroom in the dark to refill the glass.  Well, semi-dark -- they had finally remembered to get a night light!  It wasn't a super-bright one, and the glow of the light was more cool than warm, so she could pretend it was moonlight.  She stood in the bedroom doorway as she sipped her water and just looked at Joel, laying there, spent... asleep or near-asleep, and perfectly content.  _Thanks to me!_  Even if she hadn't done much. 

It was a huge step for them, and she was _so_ proud of Joel right now.  _He's really, truly mine now... MY man..._ not like he wasn't before, exactly, but... something was different.  He had let her in, a little more.  Put himself in her hands -- literally -- and given up a little of the control he usually clung to so hard.  Even admitting that he felt a little guilty instead of glossing over that with another generic _"I'm good"_ felt like a step in the right direction.  _Like_ _I'm not a little kid he has to placate with bullshit.  I'm a woman who can handle the truth.  I can help HIM handle it.  He thinks he takes care of me -- well, he DOES take care of me -- but it goes both ways.  He's mine to take care of, in every way possible..._

And then -- it happened so fast! --

\-- and yet so slow, like one second being dragged out in slow-motion... the still air pierced by the window _exploding_ \-- shattering glass -- a loud thud, from -- ? -- whooshing wind -- a thump on the floor -- water sloshing --

...and Ellie, dropping to the floor, her scream rounding out the cacophony of sounds that had so quickly decimated the tranquility of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joel may not have remembered the dude off the top of his head, but: Chapter title from the Keith Whitley song :)
> 
> Also, if I could get mushy for a moment, I just wanted to say that I'm having SO much fun writing this story, and I'm grateful to everyone reading it for giving me a reason to write it. So, thank you! And thanks to everyone who takes the time to comment -- I really appreciate each and every one! (the kudos too :D) I love you guys!


	25. Somewhere Only We Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Keane song.

Joel was in that blissful haze that precedes sleep -- when you're not quite asleep but not quite awake, either -- when the sounds of glass shattering and Ellie screaming woke him the fuck up and instantly threw him into fight-or-flight mode.  _Ellie!_

He could tell from her scream that she wasn't in the bed with him, but in that first terrifying second, he couldn't _see_ her in the nearly-dark room-- "Ellie! _Ellie!"_ He quickly switched on the bedside lamp -- and there she was.  She was getting to her feet... from the floor in the hallway.

"The window!  Someone..." She didn't bother to finish her assessment.  Just ran into the front room.  The light went on out there.  "Joel!  Stay there!  There's glass everywhere."

Joel had already noticed that when he stepped on some, following Ellie into the other room -- and the sound of shattering glass was generally a good indicator that there would be glass scattered about.  Glass and rainwater.  The wind was whipping through the curtains violently... the small plastic tumbler from the bathroom was on the floor, not broken but possibly cracked... there was a large rock on the floor near the doorway -- and a rock-sized hole in the wall near the door, where it had hit.  As for her _"stay there!"._..the thought of calmly sitting in bed waiting for her to return _might_ be amusing later.  "Are you okay?  Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine." 

"You were on the floor--"

"Only cuz I thought someone was shooting.  But it was just…"  She was retrieving a gun from their little arsenal in the corner, where they kept their backpacks. 

"What're you doin'?  Stay in here, I'll go out an' see--"

"Then we'll both go."

"Ellie--"

_"We'll both go,"_ she repeated stubbornly.

Expecting her to wait patiently for him to return was nearly as unreasonable as him staying in bed.  He sighed.  "Put some pants on first, wouldja?  An' shoes."  Joel was wearing sweat pants.  No shirt.  No shoes.  _Good enough._   He grabbed the shotgun out of Ellie's hands.

"Hey!  I was--"

"Put your shoes on before you go in there," he said firmly, "and don' wear the jeans you left on the floor -- too much glass."  He could feel a little shard in his right foot, but he'd be damned if he was going to sit there and pick it out when there was some idiot outside trying to fuck with them.  He would just favor the other foot in the hopes that it didn't sink in much further.

He clipped his flashlight to the waist of his pants, which wasn't as good as when it was on his shirt, but he didn't have that luxury at the moment.  By the time he got outside, of course, there was no one there.  _The motherfucker chucked the rock and ran, if he knows what's good for him._   And the rain was still coming down hard, making it difficult to survey the area properly.  Ellie ran up behind him only ten seconds later with her pistol.  "Who the fuck threw that thing?" she yelled.  Her voice had to compete with the howl of the wind and rain.  "You're a fucking coward!  Come over here and fight like a man!"

Joel sighed again.  "Where are your pants?"

"That would've taken too long so I stopped at the shoes part," she explained, then turned and waved her flashlight around wildly, the light darting around quick as lightning.  "Motherfuckeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrs!" she bellowed.  "Where the fuck did you go?!"

Joel's flashlight was already annoying him, sagging at his waist, so he gave up on clipping it and held it instead; he had a feeling he wasn't going to need to fire the gun anyway.  He scanned the north, aiming his flashlight beam to take a sweeping look.  Then he scanned the other less likely directions.  "Nothin'," he muttered.  He wasn't surprised.  It was hard to see through the sheets of rain, but he didn't expect anyone to stick around anyway... which was fucking unfortunate, because he was of a mind to beat the ever-living _shit_ out of the person.  He _might_ be able to find them with a lucky guess at their direction... he and Ellie hadn't caught up to the spies, though, with more of a head start than this.  And it hadn't been pouring then... he hadn't had glass in his foot... _Shit!  We're fucked --_ about the only thing they had going for them this time was that it was late enough at night that no one else would likely be in the streets to help the motherfucker blend in...

"Where should we go?" Ellie had to shout at him in order to be heard, even though she hadn't ventured that far away from him.

"I don' know!" he shouted back.  He started checking the dirt around the bedroom window for shoe marks; naturally, all he found were puddles.  "Ellie, did you see it come through the window?"

"No.  I was just getting a drink, I wasn't looking over there... and it was pretty dark!"  She moved closer to him.

"Did you hear anythin'?"

"You mean besides the fucking window breaking?  No."

Finding nothing beneath the window, he slowly examined the ground in a straight path away from it, figuring that the thrower would've gone with a straight shot.  It was really hard to make out anything in the wet grassy patches.  "Maybe they walked around the house first, scopin' it out... go look around, would you?"  Though he wasn't sure how much good that would do.

"I don't wanna squint at the mud.  I wanna kick someone's ass!"

"Me too, but there's no ass here to kick."

She groaned.  "What the fuck is _wrong_ with people?!"

"Lots of shit, kiddo."

She kept having to un-plaster her hair from her face as the rain pelted them.  "Fucking asshole.  Or asshole _s_ \-- do you think it was more than one?"

"Don' know.  I can't see shit for shoe prints.  Will you go look around the house please?"

She sighed.  "Okay.  Fuck, I thought things were getting better..." she lamented as she trudged off.

_So did I._   He'd told her to just wait it out, that it was just kids gossiping and they'd lose interest soon enough.  Maybe this was just some dumbass kid too, messing around, but they'd gone too far this time.  That rock had missed hitting Ellie by, what, two feet?  It could have fucking _killed_ her.  The house was dark, and had been dark for a little while... fifteen minutes or so? so the person likely figured they'd gone to bed, at least.  Joel certainly hoped there was no intent to kill or injure either of them.  But intended or not, it could have happened.  And did they choose the bedroom window for a particular reason?  It was a tiny house; they could have assumed that any window not right by the front door could possibly be a bedroom, but how would they know for sure?  They couldn't see inside.  Unless... if they'd come around at some point when one of them had the curtains open... but wouldn't they assume Ellie had the bedroom, not him?  Or that they shared it…

_Maybe it's Ellie they wanted..._ he was inclined to assume someone had it in for him, not her, but she wasn't exactly making friends in town these days. 

He could think about that later.  He was on high alert now, listening... there was nothing to hear, nothing to see.  Nothing but nature.  Whoever it was wouldn't be dense enough to come back and face them and their guns.  If only they'd done it _after_ the storm, when the mud would have preserved their tracks.  He limped back towards the house; he would have run on that foot if he'd had someone to chase, but since he didn't, no reason to wedge that glass in any further.  And he wanted to make sure Ellie was really okay...

"Find anything?" he hollered to her.

"No," she answered from the opposite side of the house.  He could barely hear her. 

"Come back inside!" he called.

She was still scanning the ground, near the living room now.  Even though no one was around, he couldn't go inside without Ellie.  It was against his programming, so to speak.  He hobbled over to the side and began checking for clues, intending to meet her halfway.  He only went about a quarter of the way before Ellie reached him.  A scowl darkened her pretty face.  "We're giving up?"

"For now."  Maybe by tomorrow he'd be like 'fuck it' about the whole sleuthing thing.  Not about finding the person and wringing their neck -- just the method.  What good would finding shoe prints do?  _Tell me if it was an adult or a child... if there was more than one of them... then what?_   He was no forensics expert.  And it wasn't like he could preserve whatever he found and go compare it to every single shoe sole in Jackson... like some kind of fucked-up Cinderella story.  _I could draft a copy, though, and use that.  Go talk to everyone... let them know if they fuck with Ellie or me there will be consequences... see if I can tell if any of them are lying..._ Simply knowing if it was a sneaker or a boot would be helpful in narrowing down the suspect pool, since whoever this fucker was, he probably hadn't thought to (or even had the ability to) change up the footwear for this occasion...

It still seemed a daunting -- and ultimately futile -- task.  One he could deal with later.

Ellie fired a few rounds into the night before coming inside.  Joel hoped it helped relieve her frustration, even just a little; he didn’t give two shits if it woke anybody up, and he wasn’t going to lecture her about wasting ammo.

After he'd stripped off his drenched sweat pants and dried off a little, Joel plunked himself down on the couch and pulled his foot up to his knee to root out the offending piece of glass.

"Shit... what happened?"  Ellie hurried to his side.  She'd removed her nightgown, since it too was drenched, trading it for one of his sweatshirts.  "Is that why you were walking funny?"

"Jus' glass."  They examined the filthy sole of his foot together (he'd rinsed it in the rain before coming inside, but it wasn't exactly clean).  "It's right there." Joel pointed it out to her.  "I can't get it..."

"Stop stop stop.  Your fingers are too fat.  Mine are, too... hang on, I'll be right back... _don't touch it!_ "

"Yes ma'am."  He'd said that to her earlier... under quite different circumstances.  They'd had such a good night together... _pity it couldn't last._   _Well, I suppose the asshole's timing could have been worse._

She returned moments later with tweezers.  Those used to be a 'first aid kit' sort of item, but lately, Ellie had been plucking her eyebrows with them.  Her already-pretty-fucking-sparse eyebrows, which didn't require any sort of grooming that Joel could see.  Tomboyish as she was, she apparently wasn't immune to fashion magazines and the like, even if they were more than two decades old.  He loved her exactly the way she was, and told her as much, but it seemed she still wanted to try to 'look better' for his sake.  She denied it had anything to do with him, but she'd never cared about that shit before -- before that night she wore the dress. 

Or maybe it was truly just the passage of time... as she got further away from the pain and hardship of the past, she had the luxury of caring about more trivial things.  Anyhow, she'd declared Joel's eyebrows a mess and tried to 'fix' them before, but after indulging her for a minute, he'd put a stop to that so she couldn't render them _too_ girly.  Now she set to work digging into the flesh near the ball of his foot to fish out the wayward pebble of glass.  Joel played absently with her wet hair, but otherwise didn't distract her.

"Got it!  Shit, you’re bleeding.  Don’t move.”  She laid the ‘pebble’ aside – actually, the shard was bigger than he’d thought – and hopped up to return to the bathroom.

“It ain’t bleedin’ much.  Will you just—”

“No – don’t move!”

He allowed her to clean and bandage the cut.  When he tried to talk to her, she just kept shushing him.

“There.”  Satisfied with her handiwork, she ducked out of Joel’s reach and scuttled off to fetch the broom and dustpan, carefully depositing the shard of glass in the pan.  "I'll go clean up the rest."

"Ellie, jus' leave it for now, would you?"

But she was already heading to the hallway -- with her shoes still on, at least.  "No!  I don't want you stepping on any more."

"I won't.  Just... come back over here."

He heard her sweeping the floor in the bedroom...  Ignoring him. 

"Please, Ellie?"

There was a long pause in the sweeping, followed by a dresser drawer opening and closing... but she did come back to the living room.  She dejectedly flopped down next to him.

_Poor girl._   He wished he could make all this stupid shit disappear for her.  Instead, he pulled her into a hug and kissed her temple.  "Thank you for helpin' me."

"Of course.  You're cold!  Here, let me..."  She squirmed a bit, trying to tug on the couch blanket, but he wasn't making it very easy for her to move.

"Are you all right?"  He kept holding her close.  He wasn't that cold... maybe a little colder to the touch than she was used to.  Or maybe he just didn't give a fuck about getting warm right now.

"Yeah, I told you--"

"Not hurt, yeah, you told me.  But... other than that..." He finally let go of her enough that they could arrange the blanket over the two of them.

"I'm fine.  I just hate everybody.  Still."

"This was prob'ly jus' one person.  Not everybody."  But he sure knew the feeling.  Not knowing who it was would cast suspicion on a whole slew of people, so it might as well be _everybody_.  Joel cupped her face with one hand, his thumb gently stroking her cheek.  Her expression was angry... sullen.  "I'm sorry this happened."

"Not _your_ fault," she said bitterly.  "Why can't they just leave us alone?  If they could just... fucking _see_ you... that you're not what they think..."

_Oh, I'm exactly what they think.  Especially after what we did tonight._  No point in saying shit like that to Ellie, though.  It would only upset her.  And he knew it wasn't the whole truth.  Was he a sick fuck?  Yes.  He exploited the love and trust of a teenage girl on a regular basis.  But at this point, it was the lesser of two evils; he'd allowed things to progress to the point of no return, and he wasn't going to break his promise and decide it was too 'wrong' for them to continue a romantic relationship.  Ellie was tough in many ways, but she was also more fragile than people realized.

And yes, he was a selfish bastard.  He loved her and wanted her for himself, and wasn't strong enough to take the high road.  He also didn't trust her in the hands of anyone else.  _The world is different now_ , he would tell himself.  If they were living in the 2010s, Ellie would have a shitload of guys to choose from -- plenty of them more suitable for her than himself.  But what did she have now?  A handful of punks... none of them good enough for her.  -Except possibly that new boy... _possibly_...

He didn't want to think about that now.  He pulled his arm out from beneath the blanket and resumed the calm stroking of her wet hair.  "Must've been scary.  The window breakin'."

"Pfff.  Scary?  After everything we've been through?  Please."

"You screamed," he pointed out.

"Well, it startled me."

_No shit!_   He wondered why she wouldn't just admit it was scary.  "It's okay to say you were scared."

"I wasn't!"

Maybe it was true. _She IS tougher than me..._ tougher than anyone he knew.  "Well, _I_ sure was.  When I woke up."

She gave him a disbelieving look.

"I was," he insisted.  "You weren't right next to me... you screamed... I didn' know if it was a gunshot, or... the storm, gettin' violent somehow... I jus' heard the glass breakin' an' you screamin'.  Scared the shit out of me.  This is our house... it's s'posed to be a safe place."

"Yeah.  It sucks that we're not even safe _here_ anymore," she grumbled.

Joel knew there really wasn't anything he could have done to protect the house from having a window bashed in... short of finding a way to put bars on them, perhaps... but he was supposed to protect Ellie, and he felt like he'd failed.  Again.  He could fix the window... he should've replaced all the windows with double-paned as soon as they'd moved in.  Might take him a little time to find a workable replacement in Ghost Town, so it would probably be better to board the thing up for now.  For the more immediate now -- as in, tonight -- he could shove the dresser in front of it.  Not a perfect barricade, but it would serve. 

Besides, it wasn't like they could stay in this house now.  The more he thought about it, the more he realized they had no choice but to leave.

He could bar or board up all the windows, and they still wouldn't be safe -- what could he do to stop some sick fuck from taking a match to the place?  The old house would light up like a fucking bonfire.  Maybe they'd do it when he and Ellie were both dead asleep.  And then they would be trapped inside by the barred or boarded windows...

"We're gonna go stay with Tommy an' Maria," he announced.  He didn't have to ask them if it was all right; he knew Ellie had a standing invitation over there, and given the circumstances, they wouldn't expect Joel to stay behind.

Ellie looked at him, shocked.  "What?  Joel, no!  No way -- that's like saying those shitheads _win!_ "

"Then they win -- I don' give a shit.  It ain't safe here, Ellie."

"No!  I didn't mean... I _do_ feel safe here, Joel, I swear!"  She looked at him, pleading with those big green eyes that so often enabled her to get her way...

_Not this time._   He smiled a little.  "We're not goin' because of what you said.  We're goin' because _it's not safe."_

"Yes it is!  You're here, so--"

"That rock nearly hit you."

"It didn't even come close to me!  You're exaggerating.  Please, Joel... we can't leave the house -- how can we like... _be together_ at Tommy'n'Maria's?"

"We can't.  I know.  Not... the way we are here.  But we'll still be together, an' we'll be safe.  No one's gonna fuck with us at their house.  Out here... we're too remote.  Their place is right smack in the center of town -- with street lights around an' everythin'.  Hell, no one would even have to know we're stayin' there -- we're over there all the time as it is.  They'd have no reason to try anythin' there... an' even if they knew, who's gonna make a move against those two?  They'd have to be pretty goddamn stupid."

"Well, I think they're pretty stupid to do shit to _you_.  You could kill them with your bare hands."

He sighed.  "Not if they're a phantom I can't get my hands on."

"Joel, we _can't_ go.  How are we going to sleep in the same bed over there?"

He didn't answer. _I'm gonna miss that too, baby girl..._

"Nooooo!  I can't.  I can't do that.  I can't sleep without you."

The desperation in her voice broke his heart a little, but he could be firm about this -- when her physical safety was involved, it was easy.  "You can.  You've done it plenty of times."

"Not plenty!  I barely slept at all when you were gone, and... and I had nightmares every night... it was awful!"

_Shit... is she playing me?_  She had tears in her eyes.  She sounded sincere, and Ellie didn't generally lie to him... but if there was any time she might exaggerate the truth a bit for her own benefit, this would be it.  "You never told me about that."

"Because I didn't want to be a wuss, and I knew you were coming back soon, and... wait, how long are you talking about staying there?  Just until you fix the window?  You can fix it tomorrow -- I'll help you!"

"Sorry, kiddo.  Longer than that."

"But not forever?"

"Maybe not.  I don' know."

"Maybe not?  So... maybe yes.  I can't do it, Joel, I can't!"

He sighed again.  "It ain't up for debate.  We're goin'."

"But--"

_"We're goin',"_ he said more firmly.

Ellie pulled away from him, pulling the blanket with her, and stood up... so she could glare down at him, it would seem.  "So now it's Joel-the-dad again, huh?" she said nastily.  "Is that it?  What you say, goes?"

"In this case?  Yes.  It ain't safe here," he repeated.

"Great.  So because one stupid asshole tosses a pebble, you decide it's not safe.  Shit happens!  That's life!  You just have to deal with it the best you can, and... don't go running off to fucking hide behind your little brother whenever it--"

"That is _not_ what I'm doin', believe me."  Tommy was still away; he didn't even know about all the rumor shit yet, and Joel sure wasn't looking forward to telling him.  _You're getting your wish, baby brother -- Ellie's gonna stay with you two.  You just didn't realize you'd be getting me in the deal as well._

"Well, you can go if you want, but I'm staying here," she said haughtily.  Chin jutting out a little... stubborn as fuck.  "I'm gonna go clean up the bedroom."

Joel didn't answer her, but inwardly, he groaned.  It struck him again how very young she was.  It was annoying, sure, but he also felt bad for her... she didn't have the same coping mechanisms adults had (although even so, her skills somehow exceeded his own, in some ways), and she reacted the way she did to things sometimes because it was hardwired into her at this point.  He tried not to lose patience with her.

He also hated having to be the bad guy, but his mind was made up about this.  He didn't want to scare her, so if she thought he was just being overprotective, so be it.  Hell, maybe he was.  It didn't matter -- they were going to stay with Maria, and that was that.

Ellie working that broom angrily, wearing a sweatshirt long enough to be a mini-dress, with her shoes on but no pants, made for an odd sight.  She heard him approaching behind her, just inside the bedroom, and she turned around.  "You can't come in here barefoot."

"Ellie, would you put that--"

"No!  I'm going to sleep in here tonight and I don't wanna step on glass in the morning."  She resumed her sweeping.  "Fuck, there's some on the bed too."

The glass did seem to have scattered everywhere; it was a small room.  The curtains weren't blowing in quite so much now, at least... like the storm was finally winding down.  He was debating entering the room barefoot or putting his boots on to humor her, when he noticed something -- actually, the _lack_ of something.  "Where'd the rock go?  It was right there."

Ellie didn't answer him.  Just kept sweeping.

"Ellie?  Where'd you--"

"I took care of it, okay?  Don't worry about it."

Her back was to him again, so he couldn't study her expression.  "Where is it?"

"I told you don't worry about it!"

"Let me see it."

"No -- it's gone, I got rid of it, just forget about it."

He watched her for another moment.  "Why don't you want me to look at it?"

"It's not that I don't want you to look at it -- I just got rid of it already.  Jesus, Joel, what's the big deal?  Forget it.  Shouldn't you be packing to go to Tommy's?"

"You couldn't've _got rid of it_ \-- I see it ain't in the dustpan --"

"It's in the bin outside already."

Joel knew that was a lie.  "Really?  When did you do that?  'Cause it was still there when--"

"Okay, fine -- it's not out there.  But it's taken care of."

"Taken care of," Joel parroted.  "Well, there's only so many places it could be, so if you don' tell me, I'll jus' have to start--"

"No!  Joel, just-- _GOD_ , why are you being like this?  Will you leave me the fuck alone already?  I have shit to do here."

He wasn't going to let her be, but he would drop the rock thing for now.  "Ellie, will you put that down an' come here?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No!  Just fucking go already."  She started sweeping furiously.

She hadn't dealt with the glass on the bed, though.  _This might piss her off more, but..._ "You might wanna do the bed first, so you don' have to re-sweep the--"

"I'll do it how I fucking want to!  What do you care anyway?  Just leave!"

Some of the glass bits started flying out into the hall, she was sweeping so hard.  He felt a couple land on top of his feet, with more pinging off his legs.  At least one of them was clinging to his leg hair.  She was spreading the water around, too. Joel stepped toward her.

"If you get more fucking glass in your foot, I'm not digging it out for you!" she spat at him.

"That's fine.  Jus' stop, will you?"  He grabbed the broom out of her hands.  The room was so small, with the bed on one side of her and dresser on the other, that she couldn't walk by him without shoving him out of the way.  She turned her back on him and crossed her arms over her chest.

"If you don't leave, I'm gonna have to crawl over the bed to get away from you, and there's still glass on there, so... I'll probably get glass all up in my hands, and... my knees... maybe I'll bleed to death, and then hey, you won't have to worry about me being _safe_ anymore!"

He wanted to laugh -- it was just so damn over-the-top -- but since she hadn't said it to amuse, he didn't want to piss her off any further by laughing.  He let the broom fall on the bed and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind.  She didn't resist, but she stood there all stiff-like.

"I won' let you do that," he said softly, pulling her back against him, nuzzling her hair.

"Don't," she warned... but it wasn't her I-mean-it version of the word.

"Don't what?"  He kissed above her ear.

"Don't... be nice to me.  Not if..."

"...not if...?"

"If we can't... if we leave here, we can't be like this anymore.  We'll have to... just..."

"We'll still be together.  You like bein' over there.  I know you do."

"I did before all this... fucking bullshit started."

"An' you still do.  The couple times we've been there since, it's still been good.  Plus, you love Maria.  You can have... girltalk, an' whatnot--"

"I love _you_ , you jerk."  Her voice trembled.

"I'll be there too," he reminded her.  He squeezed her, and it felt like she'd relaxed maybe just a hair.  "You're actin' like I'm leavin' you or somethin'.  I'm not."

"You might as well be."  She sniffled, then turned around and buried her face in his chest.  Not crying, but it seemed like she was putting forth a big effort to keep it that way.

He petted her soothingly.  "Why do you say that?"

"Because... cuz if we can't... _love_ each other..."

"We'll still love each other."

"If we can't show it..."

"It'll take some gettin' used to, I know."

"No -- what if--"

He waited for her to finish, but she didn't.  "If what?"

"Nothing," she mumbled.

He took her face in his hands and looked her in the eye again.  "No -- tell me."

She really didn't want to, he could see.  It took several more pleas (and a couple kisses) after several more teary-eyed protests to get her to tell him what was on her mind.  "What if... we go there and we're there for a while, and... well... you said no going backwards, right?  It's so far backwards it's like all the way back to the beginning, and maybe..." She looked away.

"Maybe what?" he urged.

"What if you, like... _forget_ , you know?  Yeah, we'll be together, but... like father and daughter again, and you won't even... after a while, you won't even _want_..."

_Oh, baby girl... don't you know how much I love you?_   "No, Ellie, that's _not_ gonna happen."

"How do you know?"

It wasn't the most irrational fear to have.  _Maybe she'll be the one to 'forget,' if it goes on long enough..._ "Because I know."

"But we'll be with them all the time, and other people, people who think this is _wrong_ , and after a while...  And we'll be going to sleep in separate rooms every night--"  He tried to kiss her, but she wouldn't let him.  "You're gonna forget, and I'm gonna be miserable," she insisted.

"How could I forget?" He kissed her forehead, her temple, her cheek... wherever his lips could reach since she'd turned her head to avoid a real kiss.  "I love you.  That ain't gonna change.  I know it'll be hard... _really_ hard... we can find other ways to be together, all right?"

"...What do you mean, other ways?" she asked grumpily.

"Well... we can go... have a secret rendezvous in Ghost Town or somethin'."

"Really?  You mean like some of the teenagers do?"

Teens and young people who lived with parents or other adults, mostly.  _Well, she DOES keep me young…_ "Sure.  We'd jus' have to be careful.  Make sure Clicker don' follow you around."

And, easy as that, she finally looked happy again.  "You would do that for me?"

"No, it's for me."  Because he was selfish enough that he didn't want _her_ to forget.  "You think I could stand not kissin' you every day?"

She smiled.  "Okay.  You could've just told me that right away, you know."

"I wasn' thinkin' along those lines yet, or I would have."

"Every day?  Really?"

"If we can swing it, sure.  We could leave each other notes at... shit, we could meet _here_.  It ain't like the place is condemned, it jus' ain't the safest place to... I don' want you sleepin' here."

"Huh.  Yeah... but people know this is your house.  If we--"

_"Our_ house," he corrected her.  It bothered him that after all this time, she still thought of it as his... like he was just allowing her to stay here out of the kindness of his heart, and could throw her out if he felt like it.

"Whatever -- people know we're here.  If we could go find a place in Ghost Town... and like, fix it up a little maybe... some place no one else goes... we could spend tons of time there, right?  It's not like we'd have to check in with Tommy and Maria all the time.  I mean, same as now, we just plan on dinner and movie nights and stuff, but if we're not around, they don't care where we are."

"Right.  But... I hope you ain't thinkin' about your burned house, 'cause that reeks somethin' awful--"

"Noooo not that one, that's a sad times house!  We'd go to a happy one."

It was a relief to hear the happiness in her voice again.  To see her smile.  "Good.  We'll find one that has a good inside lock.  A bolt or a bar."

"I remember seeing some cool houses when we were scavenging for the newbies that one day.  We could go to a two-story house so no one can see us or hear us!"

"Mm, good thinkin'."  He could probably piece-meal a collection of sturdy curtains for each window, but he couldn't exactly ask that Millie person to sew him some nice new ones.  As for blinds... he had yet to see any that weren't fucked up at least a little bit, with panels missing or hopelessly bent.  Being on the second floor would eliminate the need -- and also give them time to react if someone did manage to get in somehow.

Ellie interrupted his thoughts with a sweet kiss.  "I love you."

"Love you too."  He smiled.  "Thank you for talkin' to me."

"I guess I should've just done that to begin with, huh," she said sheepishly.  "I don't know why you put up with me."

"I jus' told you why -- I love you," he said lightly.  "Besides, it ain't so bad.  Nothin' to 'put up' with, to speak of."

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "Yeah, right.  Just me being a colossal bitch.  No biggie!"

Once again, she'd acted out when she needed reassurance that she was loved, and that he wasn't leaving her.  Or in this case, would continue to be loved, not cast aside because they couldn't be romantic as often as they would like.  Joel could handle that.  "You are _not_ a bitch.  Don' say things like that about my baby girl."

She giggled.  "Oh yeah?  What if I do?  You gonna kick my ass?"

"Your ass might be involved, yes," he answered with a grin.  And of course he had to grope her a bit there for good measure.

"Oooo... what happens if I call her a cunt?" she challenged, eyebrows waggling suggestively.

"This."  Joel inched his hands from her ass along the edge of the sweatshirt, around the outside of her thighs... but then he didn't do what she expected -- instead, he quickly flitted his hands upward to start tickling her sides, making her squeal and double over.

"You dick!" She tried to get away from him, and nearly hurled herself onto the bed, but Joel grabbed her and prevented her from doing that.

"Don' do that -- glass," he reminded her, hugging her from behind again, not doing any more tickling maneuvers.

"Oh... yeah.  I _was_ cleaning that up..."

He kissed the side of her head.  "Jus' leave it.  We'll come back tomorrow an' clean up an' get all our shit.  Let's jus' go before it gets to be too much later... we'll prob'ly be wakin' Maria up now as it is."  It wasn't an ungodly hour, not yet midnight... but Maria usually turned in pretty early these days.  "I'll shove the dresser over there for now.  Let's get dressed."  He pulled her back, out of the way, and turned to open a drawer of hers.

A gasp from Ellie made him turn back around. 

"What?" he asked. _Why's she looking at me like that?_

"Your shoulder!  How'd you get glass up there?"

"I didn't...?"

"Yeah, right here -- look!"

He tried to twist his neck around to see where she was indicating.  He couldn't really see, but he realized what she was referring to.  "Oh, that.  That ain't from the glass.  Those are jus'... scratches."

"What?  I didn't see them before.  How did you do that?"

He smirked a little.  " _You_ did it."

"Me?  No I didn't!  What do you mean, I--"

"When we were... messin' around?  Remember?"

The look of horror on her face was priceless.  "No, I -- I _couldn't_ have -- what the fuck? -- I would never --" she spluttered.

"You were jus' excited.  So it's on me."  He kissed her nose.

"Oh my God, Joel, I'm soooo sorry!"

"It's all right, Ellie.  Shit, it's--"

"No it's not!  Why did you let me do that?!"

He laughed.  She was too fucking adorable sometimes.  "You act like it's a bad thing."

"Well, yeah, it looks like it hurts!"

"Nah."

"But what if people see it?!"

"They're scratches, not hickeys.  I'll say I got 'em from... shoot... anywhere.  Some job I was doin'.  No one's even gonna see 'em up there on my shoulder anyways."  _...and we can talk about how hot that was some other time..._

He shook off whatever little bits of glass may have been clinging to him, got dressed -- boots and all -- and moved the dresser.  It didn't completely block the window, but there was no way anyone could get in, or budge the heavy dresser out of the way from the outside.  They would lock the door and take the key with them, and pass it back and forth or coordinate where to leave it for each other, similar to how they did now.

They were about to leave when Joel remembered the rock.  "Where'd you put it, Ellie?  Why don't you want me to see it?"

Her face turned red.  "Just forget it, okay?  You don't need to see it."

That only made him more curious.  "What are you tryin' to protect me from now?"

"You just don't need to see it," she said irritably.

Joel gave her a Look.  "Guess I'll have to hunt for it then.  I _will_ find it.  You can either tell me where, or you can let me waste my time searchin' for it."

At last, Ellie seemed to recognize she wasn't going to win this one.  She sighed in defeat, went into the bedroom, and returned with the rock.  "Here."  She thrust it at him.

He took it from her.  It was a large, smooth river rock that filled his palm.  He turned it over... and then he saw why Ellie hadn't wanted him to see it.  Etched onto it, in choppy block letters, was one word -- actually, half a word:  PERV.  He stared at it silently for a moment.  He wasn't surprised.  Not at the word itself, at least... but he _was_ actually surprised to find that it stung a little.

"Give it," said Ellie.  "I'll throw it into the lake tomorrow."

She made a grab for it, but he moved it out of her reach.  "No.  No, I'll take care of it."

"What are you gonna do with it?"

Joel didn't answer.  He slid his backpack off one shoulder, unzipped the main part to slip the rock inside, then zipped up and hoisted the bag back onto his shoulders.  At least the writing on that rock had clarified that this was about him... not Ellie's recent aggression toward others.  He much preferred it that way.  "Go on.  I'll lock up."

"But what are you--"

"I said I'll lock up.  Let's get the hell out of here.”


	26. Ellie's Choice

Ellie did feel a bit like she and Joel had stepped majorly backwards.  They had to wear clothes around each other all the time.  No kisses or suggestive remarks.  Hugs occurred less frequently -- and, more than once, they'd had to pretend that Joel was consoling her when someone walked in on an embrace.  They could play-wrestle and stuff to some extent, but that made it dangerously tempting to be 'inappropriate,' so Ellie tried to confine that sort of thing to the times where they played with the visiting kids.  Neither of them would ever behave obscenely in front of them, no matter how tempted.  Of course, getting Joel to join in the play with them at all was always a bit of a challenge.

That first night, after they'd told Maria what happened and Ellie had deposited her stuff in 'her' room (the guest room she used whenever she spent the night there), she'd stuck her head in the room that would be Joel's and tried to imagine him sleeping in there, without her.  She felt jealous of the fucking _bed_ that got to be close to him when she could not. 

And she'd also thought, _no fucking way_. 

As she brushed her teeth, she'd racked her brain for a way they could sleep together.  She checked the distance between bedrooms; it was roughly the same as between her bedroom and the living room couch at home.  Maria probably wouldn't realize it, though... and wasn't Ellie's perception really all that mattered, if she was upset, and needed Joel closer to her... ?  _ALLEGED perception, that is..._

Joel and Maria had been talking downstairs in the living room.  Ellie was supposed to go to bed, and Joel would come up and say good night (they could get away with a chaste good night kiss here if Maria stayed downstairs, but that wasn't going to cut it for Ellie).  She did go to the bedroom… she just didn't get in bed.  Instead, she forced herself to cry.  It wasn't too difficult to conjure the tears, though it did take a couple minutes to get properly worked up; she simply had to think about things she couldn't stand thinking about -- namely, things related to losing Joel in some fashion.  The idea itself was a bit too broad, too abstract... but if she thought about very specific things that created vivid, disturbing imagery in her mind... like if she'd returned to their winter hide-out when he was sick and found him dead.  Or if she saw him look at another woman the way he looked at her, smiling that Ellie-only smile.  Presto -- tears!  Then, she had gone downstairs with tears streaming down her face, hurled herself into a very surprised Joel's arms, and blathered on about how scared she was in that room by herself, how she just kept 'seeing' the rock flying through the window and shattering the glass, remembering how in that moment she felt like she was about to die, and she thought she might be starting to have a panic attack now.

Maria had been moved.  Ellie's waterworks had brought tears to her eyes (apparently pregnancy hormones made women cry more or something, although she _was_ genuinely concerned about Ellie).  She offered for Ellie to come sleep in the big bed with her.  Tommy was gone, after all.  Not for much longer, but maybe it would help Ellie get through the next few days.

Ellie had panicked for a moment.  Then she said she couldn't do that, because she was sure that this whole rock thing would trigger her nightmares again, and Maria really needed to get her rest for the baby's sake.  She didn't need Ellie waking her up in the middle of the night.  Multiple times, probably.  But Joel?  He could handle it.  He did it all the time at home, Ellie pointed out.  Sometimes he woke up so fast that he could soothe her out of the nightmare before she even realized she was having it.  Not a lie -- Joel had done that many times.  Ellie neglected to mention that it hadn't happened any time recently, but it wasn't a lie!  She also made it sound like at home, Joel would sleep on the floor beside her, not in the bed.  But here, she was afraid Joel wouldn't hear her 'all the way down the hall' so if he could just sleep in there on the floor to begin with...

Of course, Maria had agreed that that's what they should do, if Joel was amenable and it made Ellie feel safer.  Joel had caught on to what she was doing, so he played along.

Later, he'd told her with amusement that she didn't need to resort to all the theatrics -- they could have just pretended she'd freaked out at some point in the night and then told Maria the tale of woe in the morning.  But Ellie said she wanted there to be no doubt in Maria's mind.  She wished Tommy had been there, too, but she could do some kind of repeat performance when he got home.  If they thought she was a baby, so be it.  It was better than thinking Joel was a pervert -- and _way_ better than Joel sleeping in a whole 'nother room!  So, in that way, she'd also opened the door for believable moments of Joel having to _console_ her... she stopped short of faking an actual panic attack.  She would half-heartedly grumble later that again she has to look like the lame one, and Joel would say -- again -- that it couldn't be the other way around (which wasn't true in this case, but she had to admit that Joel crying on her shoulder would be tough to sell).

Joel made a bed for himself on the floor out of some blankets.  They could close the bedroom door, but it didn't lock, and Joel absolutely refused to sleep in the bed with her -- the bed was too small anyway, but Ellie could have made it work... he said she would have to settle for holding hands as she went to sleep.  It was better than not having Joel there in the room with her at all.  It _was_ a great comfort to her in the night, just to hear him sleep-breathing.  Always had been. 

She offered to rotate with him, and take the floor every other night, but naturally, Joel wouldn't have it.  He was too macho for that.  And when he picked up on her guilt, he assured her he'd much rather sleep on the floor in her room than on some lumpy mattress down the hall.  She'd known that, too... from their very first night in Jackson, when he just couldn't stay on the couch.  Even though he was the one who had insisted on sleeping there when she'd begged him to sleep in the bed.  She had accepted his choice, and hadn't called out to him, yet he'd come to her anyway, on his own.  It hadn't been sexual then, and it really wasn't sexual now, either... they just _needed_ each other.

The 'ghost house,' as they'd dubbed it, was now her favorite place to be.  It was about as far away from their real house as it could be, tucked all the way in the northwest corner... well, three houses down from the corner.  If she could, she liked to go there well ahead of the time they agreed upon.  She would sit with her book (she was up to the final one in the _Dawn of the Wolf_ series now) in the second-story bedroom window seat that faced the street, and when she thought it might be close to Joel time, she'd do more gazing out the dingy window than reading.  If she somehow missed seeing him approach, she would jump when she heard the front door open downstairs.  By the time he called her name, she was somewhere along the path from bedroom to door, flying as fast as she could to leap into his arms and smother him with kisses.  Sometimes they could spend several hours together... sometimes only one. 

In the week that they'd been doing this, there had only been one day so far where Ellie's schedule fucked things up enough that they couldn't meet.  Ellie had wanted to blow off her late afternoon farm shift (and thus, skip out on dinner at Annie's house too), but Joel wouldn't allow it.  He was kind of a stickler about things like that.  Ellie would have felt guilty about creating extra work for her friends at the farm, too.  She would just have to kick herself for not finding someone to swap shifts with... and she vowed to talk to Esther about switching to mornings only, before the October schedule got built.  She could claim she wanted to do more with the kids at the library in the afternoons or something.  Anyway, she'd had to steal a few extra 'bedtime kisses' that night -- and not chaste ones, either.  It was kind of cute, how nervous Joel would get.  Like Tommy or Maria could burst in at any moment and catch them.

They were no closer to finding the person who'd vandalized their home, either.  Joel was suspicious of... well, anyone who looked at them funny, really -- but his first thought had been the guy he'd punched in the days leading up to that.  He had an alibi, though, and Joel said it checked out.  His second thought had been Max.  _Max!_   Ellie had let him have it for that.  She was positive that Max didn't hate Joel the way Joel seemed to think he did, and even if he did, he wouldn't do something as cowardly as that.  She figured it was the people who had spied on them... Joel thought it was someone entirely unrelated to that incident.

Whatever.  She was sick of it all.  And she'd much rather spend her time alone with Joel than waste it by confronting lying assholes only to hear more lies.

There was no electricity turned on in this area of town. Ellie thought once again that they should have brought a battery-operated clock so she’d know what time it was, how late Joel was… but she never remembered it the next day! Today, even without such proof, she was sure Joel was late. Time seemed to crawl sometimes when she was waiting for him, but not this bad.  She tried to tell herself that he'd just gotten stuck on a job, staying just a little later than expected to finish for the day.  It wasn't like he had a watch, either (at least, not one that told time).  But it wasn't in her nature to believe herself about such things -- she had to fight the impulse to assume the worst.  He wasn't coming, and for some truly terrible reason... like he got hurt.  Or maybe he just didn't feel like it.  Which... even her paranoid mind had to admit seemed unlikely, because he hadn't given her any reason to think that.  So -- hurt, then.  _Ugh!_

They'd never discussed what to do if the other didn't show.  Or... maybe Ellie just hadn't listened.  Joel may have said to just go to the house -- meaning Tommy and Maria's -- after a while.  Should she do that now?  And if he wasn't there, find out where he was working that day and track him down?  What if he was on his way to the ghost house, and she left, and then he stayed there waiting for _her?_   Why hadn't she found out what route he took to get there?  Knowing Joel, though, he probably mixed it up from day to day... just in case someone was camped out in one of the houses spying or whatever.  Perhaps that was a bit of a stretch?

She was going to go mad if she stayed in this house much longer, though.  She paced the living room floor relentlessly. _Joellllll, where are youuuuuu???  What should I do?!_

Ellie might have been pacing for ten minutes, or thirty, or sixty... she couldn't tell anymore... when finally she heard footsteps approaching.  Joel-sounding footsteps!  The door opened, and she jumped on him before he even had a chance to close it or call her name.  She may have even scared him.  "Whoa!  What the... Ellie?"

"I was so worried!  Are you okay?"  She pulled back to look at his face, and then, satisfied after looking at it for a second, she started kissing him with all the pent-up passion that had been building inside her as she paced.

When they came up for air, Joel held her face in his hands and looked her in the eye searchingly.  "Jesus Christ, girl, I wasn' _that_ late, was I?"

"Not that late?!  It's prob'ly five o'clock by now!"

"I think it was about four-fifteen when I left the office."  The 'office' meaning Craig's home base, the construction crew's headquarters.

"Well, that's still pretty fucking late!"

He dropped his hands down to her sides, and shifted like he was going to step back, but Ellie kept her arms around him, holding him in place.  "I wasn' even the last one out.  Felt a little bad about that... but not _too_ bad.  Why are you all mad?  You know it's never exact.  The other day, you were late, an' I had to wait."

"I was only like fifteen minutes late!"

"Okay, so... I was twenty, twenty-five?"

"Um, try an hour and a half!"

He looked confused.  "What?  We said four."

"We said three!"

"No, I thought the termite thing might run a lil' longer than yesterday, remember?"

"But—you--"  Ellie suddenly realized he was right.  They'd talked about that at dinner the night before, and he had mentioned it again right before they went to sleep.  "Shit.  Okay, I'm officially an idiot."

He smiled and kissed her tenderly.  "I'm sorry I kept you waitin' anyhow.  I'll make it up to you, if you'll let me."

"Carry me?"  She liked it when he did that, like they were in some old movie... or on the cover of one of Sophie's cheesy romance novels.  "No, wait, I'll carry _you_..."  She made a big show of trying to lift him off the ground.

"It never gets old, huh?" he chuckled.

"Nope... just like you," she added with a grin.

He groaned.  "I'm already old."

"No you're not.  You're still in your forties."  For another two or three weeks, anyway.  "Practically a baby!"  She used to kind of tease him about being an old man, but she really hated to think of him as old now.  'Old' was just on the other side of 'dead,' and that was... unfathomable.  Her Joel could never die.  She wouldn't allow it.

He squeezed her until she couldn't breathe, and she made a squeaky noise.  "There, see?" she giggled.  "Only a young person could do that."

"It ain't exactly hard to do to someone small as you," he said, but Ellie thought he was just being modest.  He took a moment to lock the door behind them, then scooped her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs to the bedroom in the back of the house -- the master bedroom.  There was no actual bed in there, or even a mattress; just a bedspread they'd taken off the twin bed in Ellie's 'reading room,' and various mismatched chair cushions strewn about.  There also wasn't a lot of light that came through back there in the afternoons, making it feel a little more conducive to sex stuff (at least, Ellie thought so).  If they'd been at home, he most likely would have dropped or thrown her onto the bed playfully, but here, with no mattress, he always carefully set her down... which was romantic, she supposed.  Ellie couldn't decide which she liked better -- playful or romantic.

They kissed and petted each other for a little while before even attempting to have an actual conversation.  Sometimes Joel would start trying to ask her about her day, and she'd tell him to save it for dinner -- why waste good make-out time?  She liked hearing about his day too, but he'd likely repeat it at dinner anyway for Tommy, or when asked by Maria or whoever else was there.  He didn't seem to be interested in advancing to the clothing removal (or even under-the-clothing) stage today.  Which was fine; Ellie just wanted to be able to touch him and kiss him -- and to speak without censoring herself.  If she'd been super-horny, she could've initiated something herself and he most likely would've indulged her.

Joel leaned a cushion against the wall so he could lean his back into it, and he pulled Ellie into the crook of his arm.  "All right... I ain't askin' you to tell me what happened all day, you can tell me at the house, but... how long were you waitin' here for me?  Two or three hours?  Didn' you have the library this afternoon?"

"I did.  I bailed after story time."

"No gamin' with Clicker?"

"Nope.  Do you know how hard it would've been to leave and make it here by three if I'd done that?  And yeah, I know it was four, but all day I was stupidly thinking three."

"Don't you go ridin' with Annie sometimes in the afternoons?"

"Sometimes.  I went at lunchtime today instead."

"By yourself?  Or with Annie?"

"By myself.  So?  Joel, what's with the first degree?"

"Third degree," he corrected her with a chuckle.

"Why is it third?"

"I don' know, it just is.  An' I ain't… doin’ that.  Jus' seems like you're spendin' more time by yourself, or with me..."

"Well, I guess so.  So what?  I see people at the farm and the library still, and we haven't even had dinner by ourselves since we moved out.  What's the big deal?"

"No big deal.  I'm wonderin'... if maybe you ain't as happy as you used to be."

Ellie sat up and looked at him sharply.  "I'm totally happy, Joel!  I swear!  How can you think I'm not?"

"I didn't say that.  Jus' not as happy as you once were.  Like when we first got here."  He tucked some wayward strands of hair behind her ear and smiled at her, like... Ellie didn't know what, but not the way he usually looked.  It was almost wistful.  Like he was remembering a better time or something...

 _Oh my God..._ "Joel... are you trying to say _you're_ not happy?  That you wish things were like before... with us?"

"No.  Don' put words in my mouth, kiddo."

"You're being weird, though.  Something's wrong."  She felt a little panic start to rise up in her throat.  "Do you want me to do something different?  Just tell me.  I'll do it.  Don't--"

"Ellie!  Calm down."  He drew her close for a gentle kiss.  "Maybe I should start every conversation with _'I love you, an' I ain't leavin' you.'_  "

Now she felt embarrassed.  "Sorry, I'm a dumbass," she scoffed at herself.

He kissed her forehead.  "Nah.  A little paranoid, maybe.  And you're right... sort of.  Somethin's come up, that... I wanted to run by you."

She stayed where she was -- turned slightly in front of him rather than wedged to his side -- so she could see his face.  He'd started playing with her hair... _that's a good thing, right?_   _He's not upset..._ "But you're not leaving me," she clarified.

"Never."

"I mean like, physically leaving me for a long time or something, not _leaving_ me-leaving me, as in breaking up.  Neither of those?"

"Neither of those."

"Okay, good."  Whatever it was couldn't be _that_ bad, then.  "So spill."

"Sophie came to see me today."

"...Oh."  _At least he SPILLED -- didn't dance around that all slow-like.  What the fuck could that skank want with Joel?_   "She invite you back to her place for a quickie?"

"Nothin' like that.  But she did ask me somethin'."

"Oh God.  Do I even wanna know?"

Joel chuckled.  "I thought you two bonded in the ladies' room at the wedding."

"Uhhh, not really!  What did she ask?"

"Well, her brother's been gone a long time now... he didn' actually leave on Jackson business."

"Yeah, everyone knows that.  She finally said why he left?"

"She did.  Apparently when they were livin' in the Reno QZ, he met this girl.  Shit hits the fan there, the QZ gets ditched in a hurry, people are herded south, to the one in Las Vegas.  It all happens so fast, Alex loses track of this girl... he asks around an' someone tells him she went someplace else.  With her family.  Alex an' Sophie an' her boyfriend don' plan on goin' to Vegas, either... the soldiers don' say so, but they figure there ain't gonna be enough room for everyone when they get there, an' some of 'em'll go on a waitin' list... prob'ly like what we had in Boston.  Anyhow, they heard about Jackson an' wanted to see if they could make a life for themselves there.  They were thinkin' about that even before the QZ went to hell."

"Huh."  She would've done the same thing.  Jackson was _way_ better than a QZ.  _Or, it was before... I guess it still is..._ "So... if they were in a QZ, how did they even know about Jackson?" Ellie wondered.

"I don' know... soldiers maybe?  Some of the scouts or scavengers, they can venture out pretty far... some of 'em that don' come back here ain't necessarily dead, either.  Remember that one dude... he got shot, an' prob'ly woulda died, but some people found him?"

That was a little before their time, but Ellie remembered hearing the story.  "Yeah.  Hayley's dad.  His partner died, but he didn't... it just took him two months to get back here."

"Right.  He was lucky to meet some nice folks out there instead of asshole hunters.  Maybe he told them about Jackson, they told others... who knows.  Shit like that happens, word can get around.  Anyhow, the three of 'em decide to come to Jackson.  An' the whole time, Alex is thinkin' about this girl.  Sophie figured once they get here, meet some new people... she reckoned he'd get over it."

"But he didn't?"

"Nope.  She didn' realize how bad it was.  Not like he ever talked about her.  He wrote her -- Sophie -- a letter.  Left it on the kitchen table.  She comes down an' reads it... finds out he's gone.  It said somethin' like... he knows it's crazy, but he has to find her an' see if... there's somethin' there."

"Awwwwww, that's so sweet!  I'd totally do that if it was you," Ellie declared, leaning in to give him a kiss.

Joel chuckled.  "No you wouldn'.  It took us a long time to get to know each--"

"That wasn't _my_ fault, I might add!" Ellie laughed.  Leave it to Joel to ruin a sweet moment.  "So, we've met but we barely know each other, just enough to know that it's... like, special... and we go off in different directions... you'd forget all about me?  Just like that?"

He grinned.  "Yep.  Never think about you again."

She started hitting him, and he pretended to cower from her in fear... until he started wrestling with her, and he had her pinned in about five seconds.  She pretended to be mad until he kissed her.  But even afterwards, she pouted a little.  "Take it back.  What you said."

He kissed her pouty lip.  "Of course I wouldn' forget.  I'd... " He made his voice sound unnaturally dreamy, and not-Joel-like at all.  "I'd follow you... to the ends of the Earth, jus' for... the slim chance that I might... lay eyes upon you again."

Ellie giggled.  "That's more like it.  A little cheesy, but very sweet.  So keep going.  Alex leaves a note..."

Joel tugged a cushion over so he could use it as a pillow and lay on his side, propped up on his elbow, with Ellie mirroring him.  "So, Sophie's _pissed_ ," he continued, and he started rubbing circles on her arm.  "Says she would've gone with him if he'd said somethin'.  But that's exactly why he didn'.  He wanted her to stay here, where it's safe, an' she's comfortable.  An' besides that... she thinks he maybe didn' wanna have to worry about lookin' after her out there.  You know, like she'd be a burden."

"Because she's a princess, right?" Ellie snorted.  "How is she even still alive?"

"Not exactly a princess... but she ain't exactly you."  He kissed her nose.  "She's fired a gun before, but to her recollection, she's never hit nothin'."

Ellie suddenly remembered that there was a point to this story; a reason for Joel to be relaying it to her.  "So... she wants you to give her lessons."  She got the feeling it was way more than that... but if it wasn't, she wasn't going to plant any ideas in Joel's head.

Joel didn't answer right away.  It took him long enough to reply that Ellie started to get nervous.  Finally, he said, "She wants my help."

"With...?" _Don't tell me..._

"Alex said in his letter he'd see about comin' back with this girl.  Or, he might jus' stay where she's at.  Assumin' he finds her.  Or, of course, if it didn' work out like he hoped, he'd come back by himself... an' that'd be fine too 'cause at least he wouldn' spend the rest of his life wonderin' what mighta been.  But whatever the case may be, he's still out there."

"So she wants you to find him?  Let her know he's alive?"

"...somethin' like that..."

"Joel..." Ellie said warningly – in the same tone he used when he 'Ellie'd her.

"She wants to go, too.  An' she can't do it by herself."

Ellie sat up and threw her hands up in an angry gesture.  "Great.  That's fucking great.  Why can't someone else do it?  There's a million scouts here who I'm sure would be happy to--"

"A million?  Maybe a handful." Joel sat up with her.

"Whatever -- there are people here _who aren't you_ that can help her."

"Well, she knows I brought you all the way here from Boston.  She knows I'm the one who found the missin' kids... now, I told her that was sheer dumb luck, that any--"

"Whatever!" Ellie repeated.  "And she wants to fuck you."

"No.  That ain't it at all."

"Right.  Like when she made you come fix that little hole in her house.  No interest in fucking you then, either, right?"

Joel ignored that.  "Ellie, if I help her, you'll be comin' with me.  I told you I ain't leavin' you.  _She_ knows I won't leave you.  Right from the start she talked like you'd be comin' too."

"I don't care what she-- Why do you wanna do this, Joel?  Why didn't you just tell her to fuck off?"

"Because.  I think it might be good to get outta here for a while.  Town's a little more hostile than it used to be."

She looked at him with new concern.  "Did something else happen?  Did someone confront you, or ask you--"

"No, nothin' happened.  I jus' mean in general."

He wasn't wrong about that.  She might downplay it to Joel, but it wasn't an accident that Ellie was spending more time away from it all.  "You didn't want to leave before, though.  When I first heard the bullshit rumors and _I_ said we should leave..."

"That was different.  This would be... I don' know... a reason.  A purpose.  An' besides, if she goes off on her own, an' somethin' happens--"

"Oh, please!" Ellie scoffed.  "Did she tell you she was gonna do that?  No way would she leave here without some sort of bodyguard.  Unless she has a death wish."

Joel chuckled.  "Don't you even wanna know where we'd be goin'?"

"...you mean you know where to look?"

"Yes.  He was told the girl an' her family were headed for Monterey.  That's in California.  They were livin' 'round there before -- San Francisco, which is a little further north -- 'til her grandpa got sick an' they went to see about gettin' into a QZ... but I guess her parents used to live in Monterey an' they wanted to go back, live on a fishin' boat or on the beach or somethin'... you've never seen the ocean, have you?  You really never set foot outside of Boston before?"

"No..." A memory of Riley sprang into her mind.  The vacation they were supposed to take together someday... _in our dreams, but still..._

"Well, I have," said Joel -- before she could get lost in the memory.  "I've seen the gulf coast, east coast, west coast... It's... really somethin'.  I got to thinkin'... it'd be nice to see it with you.  To show it to you.  What better chance are we gonna get?"

Ellie could hear the sincerity in his voice, the excitement... low-key excitement, by most standards, but on the _Joel_ scale... she smiled a little.  "So we could like... take moonlit walks on the beach, like they do in the movies?"

"We could."

"Except with guns tucked into our bathing suits."

He chuckled.  "Prob'ly, yeah."

"What about Sophie?  Doesn't it mean that... I mean, we're back to father-and-daughter again because we'll be with her 24/7."

"On the way there.  Once we're there... assumin' we find these people... we do what we want.  We can stay there for the winter.  There's no snow there, Ellie.  Summer here is like winter there.  We could come back here eventually.  Maybe for a long visit, maybe to move back... see how we feel in a few months."

"Man, you've thought about this a lot!"

"All afternoon," he admitted.  "Since she asked me.  I told her I had to discuss it with you.  That it’s your decision.  We won't do it if you're really against the idea."  He leaned back against the wall cushion again, pulling Ellie with him.  "Look... it ain't like it'd be a vacation out there.  We're jus' gettin' used to not havin' to look over our shoulders all the time, an' we'd be right back to doin' that."

"You still look over your shoulder," she teased.  Half-teased, because it _was_ the fucking truth!

"I'd be doin' it more out there.  That's one reason the father-daughter deal wouldn' be so bad, either.  Less distraction."

"Distraction?  What distraction?" Ellie smiled slyly and climbed into his lap... sort of.  Her butt was on the bedspread, between his legs, and her legs were pretty much hugging him.  She wrapped her arms around his neck.  "I don't know what you're talking about," she said, close enough to his face that the words practically tickled his lips.

He promptly kissed her.  "Mm.  You're right, this ain't distractin' at all," he drawled... and there was that sexy smile again that Ellie loved so much.

She kissed him deeply... more hungrily.  One of his hands wandered down to her ass.  She debated wedging her hand between their crotches to grope him, but figuring rubbing against him was doing the same thing, unless she could get his pants un-done... she started fumbling with his belt -- and wasn't surprised when he stopped her.  "Not right now, baby girl."

"What if we don't get another chance to do it for ages?" she protested.

His eyebrows shot up.  "Does that mean you..."

"I mean, _if_ we go.  I don't know..."

"You can think about it awhile.  Ain't like we gotta leave tomorrow."

Ellie wondered if this really was her decision to make, or if Joel would swing it so that she eventually made the choice he wanted her to.  "You really wanna do this, though, huh."  She leaned back a little, keeping hold of his neck, his arms holding her in place.  "Because of the twats in this town thinking you're a bad guy."

"Partly.  I don' give two shits what they think of me, most of 'em... the ones I do, they don' think nothin' bad anyhow.  But on our trip, comin' out here... when it was jus' me an' you... things were simpler back then, yeah?  Harder, but simpler."

"That... sorta doesn't make sense, but I know exactly what you mean," Ellie laughed.  "It might be nice to know that if people throw shit at us that might kill us, it's nothing personal?  Like they don't care who we are or what we do, they just want to steal our stuff."

"Yes.  Exactly."  He gave her a peck on the lips.  "Might be nice to have an honest fight after all this... mystery, here... can't fight an enemy when you don' know who they are.  I don' know what kind of trouble we might get into... no doubt we'd be hungry, an' weary… filthy… sore..."

"Way to sell it, Joel," she teased.  But she did actually reflect on their journey west with fondness.  Just her and Joel, day in and day out.  He became her whole world, and she became his.  They hadn't fallen _in_ love during that time, but they'd come to love each other.  Ellie couldn't see how Joel could have possibly grown any stronger than he was at the beginning, but _she_ certainly had.  She'd learned so much from him.  And to this day she still didn't know how the hell she survived when it seemed like Joel would die.  Somehow she'd managed to not freak out, and just do what needed to be done day after day.  Because if she hadn't, he _would_ have died.  Thinking about it still gave her chills.  "You're right, about the distraction thing.  Kinda hard to have each other's backs if we're... um..."

"Shovin' our hands down each other's pants?" Joel suggested with a little smirk.

She giggled.  "Yeah.  And kissing... the world sort of disappears when we do that!"

"Mmhmm.  Can't have that."

"And then there's Sophie..."  Would Joel bond with Sophie the way he'd bonded with Ellie on their trip? _...He couldn't possibly._   _There's no way.  I would just have to make sure they're never alone together..._

"She knows we're close.  Closer than... normal folks."

This time it was Ellie's eyebrows that shot up.  "Do you think she knows?  Maybe we could just tell her!  And then--"

"Noooo no no.  But if we hug an' whatnot, she ain't gonna think twice about it."

"Could we make her jealous?" she asked hopefully.

Joel chuckled.  "Not by kissin' we can't.  If you think she'd be jealous of a hug, sure."

"What if she wants one, too?"

"You can hug her then, if you're feelin' generous," Joel teased.

Ellie giggled.  "Wouldn't that make _you_ jealous?"

"Nah."

"Really?  You don't care if I hug someone else?"

"As long as it ain't a guy you're huggin.' "

"Even if there's nothing sexual about it whatsoever."

"Yep."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Maybe nothin' sexual for you, but I guarantee there'd be at least a passing thought on the guy's end."

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "Because I'm soooo sexy."

He chuckled.  "You are.  But no, it's more like... a biological thing.  Men are more..."

"Horny," she supplied.

"...more inclined to think somethin' sexual."

"Not all of them.  Not you... right?  You don't think about having sex with anyone but me.  Right?" She made the last word sound like a threat.  She was joking, but... also not.

"You're right -- not all of 'em are like that.  I jus' have to assume the worst, when it comes to someone... with you."

She liked that he answered her seriously this time, even though she was teasing him.  She leaned forward to give him a quick kiss.  "But I'd still be jealous if you hugged a girl _or_ a guy.  Cuz you'd be hugging someone who's not me."

"You're the only one I hug, so it don' matter."

"No, I've seen you hug Tommy before!  A man hug, anyway."

"Man hug?"

"You know, like half-assed.  You don't grind your dicks up against each other or anything."

He looked so disgusted at the thought that Ellie had to giggle.  "We don' hug hardly ever,” he said firmly.

"Shit -- Tommy and Maria... the baby.  Would we be back before the baby's born?"  They had no way of knowing exactly when the baby would come, but the parents-to-be had calculated a broad window of February or March, estimating a due date of late February/early March... and since it was never exact, there was some give or take of a few weeks in either direction anyway.

"I doubt it, kiddo.  Babies ain't fun in the beginnin' anyhow, though.  Can't play with 'em, they jus' eat an' sleep an' shit."

"Well, then I wanna see him eat and sleep and shit!  I wanna see Maria's tummy get all big, and put my hand on it and feel the baby kicking... I want to see the baby the day he comes into the world.  Don't you?"

"Or she," Joel reminded her -- he still said it was going to be a girl.

"Or she.  Don't you want to be there for her first day ever?  Your niece or nephew?"

"Sure."  But he didn't sound all that enthused, to Ellie's ears.  Even accounting for the Joel scale.  "We can talk about it at dinner... er, after dinner, when everyone leaves.  You ready to go?"

"Is it time already?"

"Think so.  Close enough."

"Um... ten more kisses first.  Long ones."  She would turn that into twenty, and maybe another ten by the door... it didn't really matter how many times they kissed -- she would want more as soon as they left.  Knowing they couldn't mess around for a long time afterward seemed to make her want it more, every time.

What would it be like to be Outside with him now... would they not even so much as kiss for like, _months?!_   Ellie couldn't imagine it.  She wondered if _he_ could imagine it... was okay with it... again, she wondered if he would _forget_ , and his feelings would just... die out.  He would still love her, just maybe not _LIKE THAT_. 

 _But it's my choice.  He said so.  We don't have to go.  Sophie can go with someone else and then there'd be one less person here I don't like.  Except... she's been cool about the whole rumor thing, so I can't really count her as unliked.  One less person who wants to fuck Joel, anyway._ Ellie had no idea how many people wanted to fuck him; she figured it had to be a lot, because he was so... _Joel_.  Whoever _didn't_ want to was crazy. _Yeah, yeah -- I'm sure I think that cuz I'm in love with him... so, out there, I'd have him pretty much all to myself -- with Sophie, but whatever -- we'd be together All.The.Time.  There'd be no one else to--_

 _"Now_ you're ready?" Joel asked her softly.

"Huh?"

"That wasn' ten.  But if--"

"No!  That was only two."  Her thoughts had actually distracted her from kissing him.  How backwards was _that?!_

He chuckled.  "Two?  More like... six or seven, maybe."

"Two," she insisted, pulling his face back to hers.  She could think about this shit later.  Right now, she didn't want to think about anything unrelated to being in Joel's arms and kissing him like there was no tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a play on "Sophie's Choice", har har. Since nothing brilliant came to mind, I couldn't resist :)


	27. Footprints

Joel was starting to wonder if that Chelsea girl was ever going to leave.  She was a frequent dinner guest of Tommy and Maria's, along with her brother and mother, but the latter two were on guard duty tonight, and she didn't like to spend evenings alone in the house the three of them shared.  He was about to drop a not-so-subtle hint that he had family shit to discuss when she finally bid them all good night.

Joel gathered the four of them in the living room: Tommy and Maria on the loveseat couch, Joel and Ellie on the other.  Joel explained the situation, including the part about possibly staying on the coast for the winter -- and excluding his promise to Alex... which he hadn't even told Ellie about, for some reason.  It didn't really factor into the decision, anyway, as far as he was concerned ("traveling hundreds of miles" was a far cry from "checking in once in a while," and thus, he felt no obligation).  He noted that they hadn't yet made up their minds about whether or not to go, and input was welcome.  In truth, it was Ellie who had yet to decide, but Joel wasn't so resolute about going that he couldn't possibly be swayed the other way, either... maybe by something that would occur to his brother or Maria that hadn't occurred to him.

Tommy was the first to speak.  "Shit, Joel.  This is huge.  I'm kinda surprised she'd even ask you."

"I'm not," said Maria, stifling a yawn.  She was leaning against Tommy, and Joel had half expected her to doze off before he'd even finished talking.  Making a kid seemed to be taking a lot out of her.  "Think about it.  Who else would be better?"  And she started running through some names, along with reasons to eliminate each one as a candidate.  Max was among them.  In Joel's opinion, he would be a great choice for an escort, as it would guarantee he'd be out of town and away from Ellie for at least three months -- that was, if he went straight there and back, and with the assumption that they could take a couple horses.  Unfortunately, Max and Sophie had had some kind of brief fling not all that long ago, and things were awkward now.  Joel had never asked Sophie about it, and he didn't pay much mind to the gossip around town, but he knew because Ellie knew.  Ellie heard _all_ the gossip, whether she wanted to or not.  She'd learned early on that you can't believe everything you hear in this town; some of the rumors that had circulated about them when they'd first arrived were just plain ludicrous.

And, of course, there was the recent nastiness.  Which Tommy was quick to bring up.  "Is this because of the rock, and all that bullshit?  'Cause I--"

"No," Joel said quickly.  "Maybe some, but... it ain't like... we're runnin' away, or..."

"Ain't it?"

Joel didn't like the note of challenge in his brother's voice there.  "Look, it ain't _pleasant_ to go around here with the whole town thinkin' you're a pedophile, but--"

"They don't," Tommy assured him.  "Believe me."

"Half, then."

"Not even that.  Not after the meetings.  We're gonna talk about it at the next one, too."

Maria had addressed most of the town at the monthly meeting (which conveniently happened to be only two days after the incident); not everyone was able to attend, but Maria had means of spreading the word to those who could not.  She relayed to the town the version of the story that Joel and Ellie had fed her -- which featured Ellie in the bedroom alone, and left out the detail of the etching on the rock.  Joel had reckoned that he and Ellie could keep that detail to themselves, so if anyone else mentioned it under the assumption that it was public knowledge, they might be able to follow that trail to the guilty party.  Unfortunately, this strategy hadn't yet yielded any results.  The purpose of the meeting was to point out the dangers of such acts, whether it be due to vigilantism or a stupid prank, as well as the destructiveness of spreading lies in the first place, and that this behavior wouldn't be tolerated. 

Which was a bit of a joke, Joel thought, because clearly, whoever had thrown that rock had gotten away with it.  Joel had attended the meeting for the sole purpose of scoping out the crowd to see if he could get a guilty vibe off anyone.  He'd had as much luck with that as he'd had with trying to decipher the dirt smudges and blades of grass around his house -- and later, by straight up asking people what they knew about the incident.

Asking politely... not employing his usual interrogation methods.  Though he was really, _really_ tempted, with some folks.  He didn't have that luxury now... not if he wanted to stay in his brother's good graces.  _Or SEMI-good graces..._

He'd come the closest to brutality with a man named Warren, who was twenty-some years older than Joel.  Joel didn't like the idea of beating up old men -- even mouthy, opinionated old codgers -- but this guy was insufferable, and he'd had to grit his teeth to get through the conversation.

_"Why would I know anything about that, hmm?"_

_"I don' know.  I'm just askin' around."_

_"Can't say as I blame 'em, though."_

_"…Excuse me?"_

_"You got no business being with a young girl like that.  You should be ashamed of yourself."_

_"It ain't-- ...Believe what you want.  None of that horseshit they're sayin' is true.  But someone threw a rock through HER bedroom window, that nearly hit her.  You don' see anythin' wrong with that?"_

_"It DIDN'T hit her, though.  The way I see it, they were just sending a message."_

_"...A message.  What would that be?  'We don' like you two'?  That's real mature."_

_"More like... we don't condone sexual predators in this town.  Maybe they figured the rock would distract you from whatever you were doing to her in that b--"_

That was the end of that conversation.  _All right, so I DID get slightly violent with him..._ but technically, Joel hadn't hit him.  Just slammed him into a wall and nearly choked him.  He'd relented when he saw the fear in his eyes... felt how much physically weaker the older man was.  Neither of them apologized to the other, though; Joel wasn't sorry, and that motherfucker probably wasn't either.  As he left, Joel was pretty sure he heard the guy mumbling something about how Ellie would be better off without the likes of him, but he let that slide.  Looking at it from an outsider's perspective, Joel understood the sentiment.  But he just... couldn't quite believe it anymore himself.  He _loved_ Ellie.  His love for her was probably the only purely good thing about him (...'pure' being subjective there).  He would give his life for hers in a heartbeat.  How could she be _better off_ with someone else?

Anyhow, it was nice that Maria had shown him and Ellie unequivocal support, and when Tommy had returned to town, he called another meeting and did exactly the same thing -- if for no other reason than to show everyone that he believed in his brother, despite all their differences.  He reminded everyone that right before all this, Joel had been a hero... that he'd demonstrated his character through his actions then and in other ways... he gave a pretty impassioned speech, and even Joel had been surprised at how sincere Tommy sounded in his defense, given that his brother had long suspected that something more was going on between Joel and Ellie than meets the eye.  Joel wasn't sure how much good the meetings would actually do as far as what Jacksonites would decide to believe about him, but if they made some dumbass think twice next time about hurling a dangerous projectile in the vicinity of another citizen, then so much the better.  Tommy also encouraged the perpetrators to come forward -- both the rock-thrower and the person who allegedly saw something inappropriate.  He said they could 'work through this'... and he promised them anonymity and immunity.

_Suuuuuuure.  'Anonymous,' my ass -- if someone confesses to my baby brother, I will MAKE him fucking tell me who it is._ And 'immunity'?  Maybe from what passed for law in Jackson... _but not from me._

...and Ellie said that was exactly why no one would ever confess.  She was probably right.

"People might _think_ we're runnin' away if we leave now," Joel acknowledged presently.  "I don' give a shit if they do.  My concern is for the dangers out there.  I was hopin' you'd have some recon on the area.  Anythin' recent?"  Joel thought he remembered a scouting party heading in that general direction not too long ago.

"Angel's crew went that way," Maria confirmed his recollection.  "They got back a couple weeks ago.  Only into northern Nevada, though, not all the way to California."

"California's pretty far, Joel... coast is even farther," said Tommy, ever full of such brilliant insights.

"I know that," Joel said irritably.  "But you know what else is pretty damn far?  Boston."

"I'm jus' sayin'.  We can talk to Angel an' company... look at the map they brought back."  Joel knew the scouts were supposed to mark things on their map copies that might benefit others down the road.  "As I recall, they ran into some Infected," Tommy continued.  "Nothin' godawful, though.  Some humans that didn' give 'em any trouble.  Might be some issues with water sources.  It's rainier in the summertime, so they were fine, but now we're gettin' into fall... it's been a pretty wet year, though, compared to the last one... an' I can get you a water purifier.  Maps up the wazoo.  Whatever you need.  You'd want horses, yeah?  You got 'em."

"I'd appreciate that." Joel assumed that Tommy and Maria wouldn't just loan out their horses to anyone who asked, even if they could spare them.  He wasn't just 'anyone,' granted, but things hadn't gone so well the last time they'd borrowed a horse for a long trip.  Joel had expected some discussion, perhaps between Tommy and Maria in private.  Yet Tommy didn't hesitate to offer, and Maria didn't protest.  "Two.  We'd bring 'em back... eventually."  _Not that we did last time..._ but Tommy didn't throw that in his face.

Tommy glanced at Ellie.  "You're awfully quiet, Ellie.  What do you think about all this?"

Ellie sat up a little straighter.  "I dunno... I kind of want to go, but I kind of don't.  I want to be here when the baby's born.  I wanted to help out, and... I wanted to feel the baby kicking and stuff, when it gets bigger..."

Maria smiled.  "Well, maybe we'll have another one."

"Really?  ...Didn't you say you're getting kind of old for this?" Ellie asked bluntly.

"I'm the one gettin' old," said Tommy.  "Maria's about seven years younger than me."

"Yeah, he's really robbing the cradle," Maria said dryly.  "I'm getting up there... but I could possibly have more kids.  We're certainly going to try."

Ellie looked confused.  "What is it that he's stealing?"

They all had a chuckle at poor Ellie's expense, although Joel knew she didn't mind that sort of teasing.  In fact, she usually enjoyed it.  "It's jus' one o' them dumb expressions from our time," Joel explained, glancing at her but purposely not looking her in the eye.  Ellie was pretty good about not trying to sneak him any knowing looks, but even so, he tried to lessen the temptation for her.  "Means Tommy's with someone... significantly younger than himself."

"Oh.  Seven years?  Pff.  That's nothing," Ellie scoffed.

"I agree," said Tommy.  "As for havin' babies, they say thirty-five is some kind of magic number; it's supposedly harder for a woman to have babies after that, an' she'll be thirty-six by the time this one's born.  But we still got time."

Ellie gasped softly.  "I forgot!  Joel, what about _your_ birthday?  We can't leave before then!  The big five-oh?!"

"I told you, I don' celebrate it," Joel said warningly.  "Tommy knows that, too.  If any of you are plannin' somethin', best just unplan it now."

"We know," said Maria.  "Relax, there's no party in the works or anything."

Joel put his arm around Ellie's shoulders and gave her a squeeze.  "Sorry, kiddo.  I know you like the idea of celebratin' it.  If we're goin', no sense waitin' for that day to pass.  Out there, we'll lose track of what day it is, and that's fine by me.  Besides, we missed your birthday this year, too."

"Only because we had no idea what day it was," Ellie grumbled.  "Like you just said.  Guess we'll miss my next one, too?"

"We might be back by then."  He very much doubted that, as it would mean traveling in winter, but he couldn't seem to keep the words from tumbling out of his mouth anyhow.  "Maybe you an' the baby'll have the same birthday."

"That would be cool.  Maria, try to keep it in there as long as you can!" Ellie teased.

She laughed.  "Will do.  March, right?"

"The 23rd," Joel supplied.  He wouldn't mind not knowing when his own birthday came and went, but he didn't like the idea of missing Ellie's.  From what he'd gathered, she hadn't even celebrated her birthday until she was old enough to know when it was without an adult telling her, and even then, she didn't always have anyone in her life who cared enough to try to come up with some sort of gift for her, or to make it special in any way.  It would make him angry at Marlene again, if he thought about it too much.  Every kid deserved to have some fuss made over their birthday.  "We _can_ keep track of the days, if you want.  Mark 'em off your calendar."

"Like... bring some blank work calendar pages?  -oh!  Work... Esther's gonna be pissed..."

Tommy shook his head.  "Nah -- maybe Colton or Logan can take your shifts.  That whole group's good with farmwork."

"Yeah but you're trying to get the _new_ farm going and all... and Joel has his projects, and guard shifts..."

"All that is flexible, Ellie," said Maria.  "We can work it all out.  This town is really adaptable.  We kind of have to be."

"Okay.  The library stuff... that's pretty easy," Ellie said.  "Anyone can read to the kids, and the other stuff can wait.  That's not even like real work."

"You may not think so, but that catalogin’ stuff you're doin'?  Big improvement," Tommy praised her.  "Much easier to find shit now... what you've done so far, anyhow.  And you're great with the kids."

Ellie squirmed a little.  "Yeah, well, like I said... not real work."

"One of these days you'll learn how to take a compliment," Joel teased, mussing her hair.

"You know, you wouldn' even have to go," Tommy said to Ellie.  "You could stay here with us.  I know you wanna be with Joel, but I'm sure he'd rather know you're safe."

"Oh _hell_ no," Ellie scoffed before Joel even had a chance to get properly, if irrationally, annoyed with his brother.  "No offense.  I'm not letting him go Outside without me."

"She's my bodyguard," Joel said soberly.  "I need her to keep me safe."

Maria and Tommy both chuckled at that.  "All right then," said Tommy.  "But... she _would_ be safer here, you know."

"Of course she would," Joel had to agree.  Even with all the shit going on lately -- and he suspected a lot of that would go away if he were out of the picture.  But at the same time... he wouldn't _know_ that she was safe.  He wouldn't know it for months.  Joel wasn't sure he could stand that.  He always felt she was safest with him -- even though he knew it wasn't true.  The universe had proven as much.  It was just his gut feeling.  "Part of me wants her to stay here.  But--"

"Joel!" Ellie started to complain.

_"But_ \-- a bigger part of me thinks we should jus' stick together."

" _That's_ the part you have to listen to," Ellie said sagely, poking him in the ribs.

_But is that part the selfish one?_   If he loved her, how could he knowingly put her life at risk?  He'd done it back in Boston, before he knew her well enough to love her... he'd embarked on this dangerous journey with her when he could have just taken her back to the QZ.  Back to her school... back to that fucking bitch Marlene.  Ellie would never have been able to come and go freely there, what with her condition triggering the scanners and all, but he could have smuggled her in to safety.  _...and let Marlene take her across the country instead when she was ready?  No way in hell._

Obviously, he had no regrets about the course of action he'd taken -- at least, not what came after Tess's death.  They'd had a rough go of it, but they made it, and they'd formed an unbreakable bond in the process.  Leaving her with Tommy and Maria was not the same thing as leaving her with Marlene.  But even if he could somehow bring himself to leave her, how long would it be before she set out after him, possibly by herself?  _No, it's better if we stick together.  If I want her to be safe, then I have to stay here with her.  Maybe Sophie should just find someone else.  But... I also want Ellie to be happy._ _Things ain't goin' so good for her here anymore._ _Is it worth the--_

"Sounds like you guys have made up your minds, then, huh?" said Maria, interrupting another yes/no loop his thoughts tended to cycle through.  "It's a go?"

Joel looked at Ellie.  He could talk himself into or out of going as needed; it really was up to her, and he didn't have a good enough sense of which way she was leaning yet.  "Whatcha thinkin', kiddo?"

She was playing with her hands now, staring at her fingers with that look on her face she got sometimes when she was concentrating on something.  She was quiet for a few moments.  "Do you think we could take Spirit?" she asked without looking up.  "Is it selfish of me to want to?"

_She's remembering Callus._   Joel glanced at Tommy. 

"It ain't selfish," Tommy was quick to assure her; annoyed as he got with his brother sometimes, Tommy did truly care about Ellie, and Joel was grateful for his sensitivity.  "I don' think Esther'll have a problem with it," Tommy continued.  "He's pretty much yours, anyhow.  He ain't so good with field work... an' I think he'd be mighty pissed if you left him behind, truth be told."

She still didn't look up, but she smiled a little.  "Okay.  Um..."

They waited.  And waited.  "If you wanna think on it some more," Joel offered, "maybe sleep on it... you don' have to decide tonight.  Or tomorrow.  Think on it as long as you want."

She snorted.  "Some of the stuff I'm thinking of is pretty stupid.  Like, if we go... are we ever gonna find out how there can be a polar bear on the island, and what the fuck that freaky smoke monster thing is... and why Jack's dead father is alive?!"

Tommy chuckled at that.  "You're really hooked!  The island will be here waitin' for you any time you wanna get back to it."

Ellie frowned.  "I... guess I wouldn't get to help with the school play, either... and I'm almost done with the _Dawn of the Wolf_ series..."

"You could take the book with you," Maria replied to that one.  "I know we've got more than one copy of those.  And the play is an experiment... might be a total dud... if it's a hit, I'm sure there'll be more, and you could help with the next one."

"...Right.  Okay.  Um... I wanted to try to find that song you mentioned last week, Joel... remember?  The closing-your-eyes song?"

The things she was mentioning might seem shallow or trivial, but... Joel felt like what she was really saying was that she'd miss the life they had here.  The fun things... things every kid from his day took for granted, but that she'd never really had before.  "We can stay if you want, Ellie," he reminded her.

"But those are dumb reasons," she said again.  "There's also not-dumb ones... like Annie.  What if she takes Jacob back cuz I'm not here to remind her he's a jerk?  Ugh.  I'd miss her and Clicker.  And some of the little kids.  Kirsten and Kyle, for sure..."

"They'd miss you too, sweetie," Maria replied.  "Joel's right -- you guys don't have to go.  Someone else can do it."

"You just said why it has to be Joel!" Ellie said accusingly.

"No, I said no one else would be better.  But that doesn't mean no one else is capable."

Ellie sighed and slumped against him.  "It would drive Joel crazy, not knowing if Sophie made it or not."

"I don' know about _crazy_ ," Joel replied.  "Yeah, I'd wonder about it.  Sure.  But... that ain't a good enough reason for you to say yes.  I can live with not knowin'."  Joel had thought that same thing with Ellie last year, when he'd tried to dump her on Tommy, but luckily, he'd realized he _couldn't_ live with it before they'd actually left.  It wasn't anything noble that had made him change his mind.  It was actually another form of cowardice:  he wasn't strong enough to turn his back.  He could've lived with her hating him, but not with the _not knowing_.  This wasn't the same situation at all, though.  Sophie was a nice person, and he certainly didn't want to see any harm come to her, but she just... wasn't that important to him.

"Maybe you should do what Joel said an' sleep on it?" Tommy suggested.

Ellie shook her head.  "No, I want to decide _now_ , not have it like... hanging over my head."

Something about the way she said it made Joel feel guilty.  He thought it was only fair to let her decide rather than just lay down the law and say _"We're going and that's that"_ \-- like he had when they'd moved in with Tommy and Maria -- but... maybe it was an unfair burden to place on her.  He tried to catch her eye, but she was a little too close to him and a little too... eyes-downcast.  "Ellie, if you'd rather... _not_ decide... not have the final word... I jus' thought maybe you'd--"

"No, I do," she said quickly.  "I'm glad you care about what I want."

"Of course I care about--"

"That came out wrong.  I mean, I'm glad you want me to like... be involved in the decision-making."

Joel still felt like it was the weight of the world that made her slump the way she was.  "All right.  Listen... you'd be givin' up a lot here, I know.  It's okay if you don' wanna go.  I won' be upset with you.  I'd be more upset if you said yes jus' because... you think it's what _I_ want."

"It _is_ what you want."

"Not necessarily.  I ain't completely sold on the idea.  An' I only want to go if _you_ want to."

"Yeah, right," she grumbled.

"It's true." _I just want you to have a good life, wherever we end up..._ he hadn't forgotten that they weren't alone, and that he had to censor himself.  "You wanna talk about this upstairs some more?"

"No."

That surprised him a little.  He was certain there were things on her mind that she couldn't say in front of Tommy and Maria.

"You sure?  If you don' wanna sleep on it, we can talk it all through 'til you feel comfortable one way or the other."

"No, that's okay... ummmm... I think... if I think of something else big I'll ask it later I guess?  But okay.  Yes.  Let's go."

_Just like that?_   Joel looked at her doubtfully.  "Yeah?"

She sat up straighter and nodded.  "Yeah.  Let's do it," she said more confidently -- and he could see the resolve in her eyes... her expression... even her posture.  "I think it would bother _me_ , not knowing if she... or if we could've helped and didn't, just because it's harder than sitting on our asses here."

They all chuckled a bit at that; Ellie was hardly what anyone would call a couch potato.  Joel hugged her close against his side and kissed the top of her head.  He'd been trying to mentally prepare himself to deal with Ellie wanting to stay -- and to truly let it be her decision -- so now that she'd agreed to it, he felt... something like relief.  He would have been okay with staying, especially since it was the safer option… but he really did want to get the hell out of this place.  "It won' be forever.  And once we get there, I think you're gonna love it."

Maria didn't bother stifling the yawn this time.  "You're not leaving tonight, right?"

Joel smiled a little; she looked so damn tired.  "Uh, no.  I was thinkin' more like end of the week."

"Good.  You boys can work out the logistics -- I'm going to sleep."  She started to rise from the couch.

"No, I'll come up with ya, babe." Tommy stood up with her, and looked at Joel.  "We'll start puttin' this together tomorrow?"

Joel nodded.  " 'Night.  You go on up too, Ellie.  I'll close up an' be right behind you."  Even here, he couldn't break the nighttime habit of checking all possible points of entry.

Ten minutes later, Ellie was in bed, and Joel was sitting beside her -- on the edge of the bed, his feet on the floor.   She always wanted him to lay with her in the bed, even if he was on top of the blanket and she was beneath it... he wouldn't do it.  But he would sit here a while if she wanted.  Or, sometimes she would go to sleep on her stomach, with her arm dangling off the bed, and Joel would play with her hand a little as she fell asleep.  The bedside lamp was still on, though; Ellie wanted to talk, as Joel had figured she would.  They just had to speak quietly.  Joel was sure he'd be able to hear footsteps on the floorboards just outside the closed door if Tommy or Maria came over within earshot for some reason.  Actually, he could probably hear the master bedroom door open before they even got that close.

Ellie thought he wouldn't sleep with her or even lay down with her because he was afraid of getting caught, but that was only part of it; Joel knew his brother would disapprove (to say the least), and it would be downright disrespectful to get romantic with Ellie under his roof.  It would also be an especially hard slap in the face after the way Tommy and Maria had stood up for him against the town.  It was funny how he could feel guilty about this, yet not guilty about lying to them in the first place.

"Joel..."

He brought her hand up to his lips and started kissing her fingers.  "Yes, baby girl?"

"I was thinking..."

"Here we go," he said in mock exasperation.

"Fuck you," she laughed.  "I was thiiiiiiinking... since we're not going to be alone for... how long do you think it'll take to get there?"

"I haven' looked at it too close yet.  I reckon at least a month, month an' a half... or more.  I don' know."

"Okay.  So, for that whole time, we're not going to be alone.  Ever."

"I don' know about _ever_... but Sophie's gotta stay pretty close to us.  She's..."

"Useless," Ellie supplied.

"Inexperienced," Joel suggested more kindly.

"So like I said.  Not alone.  I think that... maybe, um..."

_Why is she nervous?_ He squeezed her hand.  "Yes?"

"Don't you think it would be a good idea if we... well... if we had sex before we leave," she finally blurted out, as a statement rather than a question.

_Okay, she surprised me with that one._  She was dead serious, too.  Not playing around about it like she sometimes did.  "What's one thing got to do with the other?  'Cause I think you know that we ain't ready for that yet."

"You mean _you're_ not.  But... don't you think... Joel, I don't wanna pressure you or anything, but I'd feel _so_ much better if we did!"

"Lower your voice," he reminded her.  "Why?  What do you mean by that?"

"Well... like with the not-kissing thing," she said in a near-whisper.  "Not messing around.  If we could just... um... I think maybe..."

Joel could see she was struggling to find the right words to explain.  He had an idea of what she might be thinking... _same thing as right before we moved in here?_   "Rewind a little.  What do you mean 'better'?  Better about us?"

"Yeah."

That worried him.  They had their issues, sure, but he thought she was feeling good about things now that he'd gotten to the point where he could allow her to... be more intimate with him.  "Ellie... sex ain't some sort of... magical thing that fixes everythin'.  If somethin's botherin' you, tell me, and I'll see about fixin' it the right way."  He took her hand in both of his now, stroking it with his thumb.

She tried to smile, but it didn't quite work.  "I love you.  You're... really great."

_Uh-oh._   "...but?"

"No, I don't mean it like... there's nothing _wrong_.  I'm just being stupid."

As if he could leave it at that.  "Tell me, please," he prodded gently.

"Okay, well... if we're not going to be doing anything... if we're like father and daughter again... and you and Sophie are like... whatever..."

Joel's eyebrows shot up.  "We ain't 'whatever.'  We're nothin', Ellie."

"I know I know I know.  Just, um... forget it, okay?"

"You know I can't do that.  What are you gettin' at?"

She sighed.  "I'm being stupid, because you already told me before... that you're not going to forget.  To forget _us."_

"That's right.  I won't.  You don' gotta worry about that, baby girl."  He leaned over and kissed her sweetly... not-quite-chastely.  He stroked her cheek... lingered there by her lips.  "And that's _not_ a good enough reason for us to have sex before we go.  If you're feelin' insecure... I wish you wouldn't."  _Brilliant, Joel, that's really reassuring..._ It wasn't what he really meant to say.  …not that he knew _what_ he meant to say.  Again, he wondered how she could just... not already know how much he loved her.  It was so obvious to him -- how could she not see it?  _Maybe because you don't know how to tell her the right way, asshole..._

"I'll try," she said, forcing a smile that was more convincing than the last one.

_But not by much._  Joel groaned inwardly.  _Not the 'I'll try'_... that was code for _"I knew it was dumb for me to tell you what I'm thinking because you can't change it so let's just forget it now."_   It broke his heart sometimes.  He gave her another little kiss before sitting up again.  "Ellie... I love you.  Only you.  This trip ain't gonna change that.  _Nothin's_ gonna change that.  When we do finally m-- ...have sex... it'll be 'cause it's the right time, not 'cause we have to squeeze it in real quick before we hit the road."

"You were gonna say _make love_ ," she said quietly.  Soberly.

"I was.  Yes."  He thought of it that way in his head, but normally didn't say it out loud.  He knew Ellie would tease him for being a sap.  He just couldn't abide her referring to it as 'fucking,' and she'd respected his wishes there.  Ellie was too young to _fuck_.  It just seemed so casual... so heartless.  Maybe he wouldn't always see it that way, after they'd been together a long time... but he tried not to get too far ahead of himself.

She wasn't teasing him now, though.  "Isn't it weird that we're already _in_ love, but can't _make_ love?"

He didn't really know what to say to that.  "Maybe."

"I mean... after we do it, are we going to love each other even more?  I can't imagine that."

Joel resisted the urge to answer with another lame 'maybe.'  "Well... I don' know.  -No.  Not really."

"No?"

"The way I feel about you... it's..." Joel frowned.  "It's there, regardless of whether or not we ever have sex.  That's why it really ain't important to do that before we go."

"Right -- not important.  So if it's ~not important~ that means we should--"

"Sssshhhhh -- you really wanna have this argument again?" he chided her, but with a little smile.

"If I get my way this time?  Yes."  She grinned at him.

He tweaked her nose.  "Nope, not gettin' your way.  We'd jus' go 'round in circles like we always do.  It's important an' not important all at the same time an' that's just how it is."

She seemed to be biting back a giggle.  "You're so cute.  I love you."

"You're stealin' my lines again," he teased.

"We can share that one," she said sagely.

Joel wondered if he'd said enough to put her fears to rest or if she was just shoving them aside for comfort's sake.  "Ellie... you know that... I ain't so good with words..."

She brought her hand up to his mouth, as if shushing him.  Sometimes he couldn't tell if his awkwardness made _her_ feel awkward, which in turn made her want to shut down the emotional exchange, or if she'd had her fill and simply didn't need to hear anymore.  "I know you _think_ that, but you do pretty good.  It's okay."

He kissed her hand before sandwiching it between his again.  "But I didn't say... I don' want you to feel like..."

"You said you loved me and only me and nothing's going to change that," she recited.

"It's the truth."

She nodded.  "Okay."

"...You believe me?"

"I believe you," she affirmed.

"Good.  Jus' keep lookin' forward to the day we... finally do... that.  Because we will.  Someday.  I promise you."

Her smile was genuine this time.  "I could look forward to the day a little easier if you'd tell me what day it's gonna be."

"It's gonna be... the perfect day."

She giggled softly.  "There's no such date on the calendar."

Even though she was just teasing, he gave her an apologetic smile.  "Well, sorry, but that's the best I can do right now."

 

* * *

 

The next few days passed by in a whirlwind as they prepared for the trip.  What a luxury it was to be _able_ to prepare for it, to have supplies and reference materials at their disposal... instead of finding themselves stranded with only what they had in their backpacks for resources and only a vague idea of where to go.

Joel was almost tempted to skip the ghost house time... except Ellie needed that time with him, to connect in a way they couldn't the rest of the time (save for traces of romance at bedtime).  He needed it, too, but... Ellie _really_ needed it.  He was a little concerned about how she would handle the lack of it.  That last day was excruciating in a way.  Their kisses were tainted with a melancholy sort of desperation, and every touch, every caress -- it all felt magnified.

After they'd each had their Last Orgasm, they lay on the bedspread and cushions on the floor in the semi-dark room, limbs intertwined, their naked bodies pressed together for the last complete skin-to-skin contact they would have for who knew how long.  After all they'd done together by this point, sometimes he thought that they might as well be having actual intercourse, too.  But... that still felt like a line he shouldn't cross with her.  Like he wasn't quite such a scumbag if she was still a virgin.  She was just so young; if she were to change her mind about being with him, at least he wouldn't have taken _that_ from her.

Joel petted Ellie's hair with long, soothing strokes.  Neither of them said anything for a while.  They just enjoyed the intimacy that would soon be denied them.  _What the hell am I doing?  It ain't too late to back out.  It'd be a dick move... Sophie would be pissed... but it ain't too late.  We don't HAVE to give this up._   He pressed a soft kiss to Ellie's forehead.  "Baby girl... we can stay.  We don' _have_ to go."

She turned and kissed his jaw.  "I know."

That was all she said.  Joel squeezed her.  "If you're havin' second thoughts..."

"Second?" Ellie scoffed.  "Try third, fourth... ten thousandth..."

_So it ain't just me!_   "I'll call it off," he said quickly.  "I'll say it's my fault, that I thought--"

"No, Joel.  It's okay." She looked him in the eye.  He was surprised to find tears; she hadn't sounded at all like she was about to cry.  "I know you love me.  I'm gonna miss this... like, _really bad_... but we're not saying goodbye.  To each other, anyway.  We'll be together all the time, and yeah, it'll be a little rough out there, compared to what we're used to now... but we're gonna see new things, new places, together.  Maybe we can't... be like this, but... it gives us something else to look forward to, right?  And... we're doing a good thing.  Sophie wants to be with her brother.  Her only family she has left.  She can't do that without us, so... I mean, I guess she could try, yeah, but Maria's right -- no one would be better than you.  Better than _us_.  I know what it feels like to be alone.  To have no family... to worry about someone who's gone that you might never see again... it sucks.  And with everything going on here lately... I mean, if that's not a sign from the universe or God or whatever, I don't know what is.  We _have_ to help her."

A couple tears spilled over, and Joel caught one with his thumb, gently caressing her cheek.  "You... are amazin', baby girl."  _You're so selfless, you put me to shame_.  He'd had similar thoughts, about the universe and whatnot, but unlike Ellie, he'd only been thinking in terms of what things could be like for the two of them.  He tucked her head against his chest so he could hold her entire body close to his, in what might have been their longest hug ever.

It was extremely difficult to let her go.  So difficult that they were, in fact, late to their own goodbye party down at the farm. 

It wasn't an official party, per se... more like a very large dinner.  So large that it might as well have been billed as a party.  Everyone who wanted to see them on their final night in town to say goodbye came down to Farm 3 that night (Esther's farm).  Tommy and Maria, Yasmany and his wife with little Buffy, Craig and his wife, Clicker and his parents, Paige from the library, with her son... and others simply dropped by to wish them well.  A lot of the families were people they frequently dined with at Tommy and Maria's, or the ones with little kids from crafts and storytime with Ellie at the library.  Some of the militia.  'Skank number'... was it 1 or 2?  He supposed the number could be dropped, now that Ellie had stopped referring to Sophie that way. 

Sophie herself was spending the evening with friends; she moved in different circles, they'd spent a fair amount of time together during the week, and they were about to be stuck with each other for a very long time, so there was no need to see each other tonight (and despite all of Ellie's good will towards her with this decision, Joel had no doubt that tensions would arise soon enough).  The other... _laundry lady_ , Kathy, only stopped by briefly before heading to Sophie's.  Kathy's son, Lucas, wanted to say goodbye to Joel... and, Joel was a little surprised to see, he also wanted to speak to Ellie alone for a minute.  Joel would have to remember to ask her about that later.  Some of the teenagers Ellie hung out with occasionally -- or used to hang out with -- showed up.  Only a few.

Max was conspicuously absent... or, maybe not so conspicuously, given Joel's feelings towards the guy.  Nothing of note had happened since their unspoken truce had come about... in 'Infected Valley,' as Ellie liked to call it... but Joel couldn't help it, he just didn't _like_ the guy.  Ellie did say that she'd invited him, but he'd told her he most likely wouldn't come.  At least he'd been honest about that... he didn't tell her he would come only to disappoint her by not showing.

All in all, a hell of a lot more people came than Joel had expected.  Maybe he and Ellie weren't quite so much the town pariahs anymore.  Counting all those people just stopping by, he estimated it was somewhere between a quarter and a third of the town's population -- so, not a majority, but that was a lot of people... most of them for Ellie.  Joel didn't generally enjoy being the center of attention -- and he made sure to deflect as much of the attention over to Ellie as he could, seeing as how she thrived on it -- but the evening was quite pleasant, if bittersweet.

Clicker wasn't quite his usual boisterous self... they had told him together, the day after the decision was made, and he'd just looked at Ellie quietly for a moment, then asked, _"Are you gonna be back for my birthday?"_   Sadly, they definitely would not be back by November, Joel knew.  He hoped in the next few months the boy would get over his little crush on Ellie.  A few months was a long time at that age.  Although... he'd thought that about Ellie, too, at first... and she certainly showed no signs of losing interest in him.

When Buffy had approached him to say goodbye, she parroted his _"Be brave for me"_ from that one day -- and Joel found that incredibly sweet.  Yasmany said she still talks about that day sometimes.  Part of her healing process, they assumed.  After the nasty rumor had reached him, Yasmany had greeted Joel on their next shift together, and before Joel could even tell him to save it, the other man had said it was the most ridiculous fucking thing he'd ever heard.  That Joel was a hero in his eyes, and his little girl's, and there was no one in town he'd trust more with his daughter than Joel.  Joel had half been expecting an angry 'how could you do that to a little girl' tirade, and instead, he nearly choked up on his emotions, knowing there was no greater honor, no greater trust... thinking about Sarah... and Ellie...

Perhaps Joel had underestimated more than a few of the people here.  It only took one bad apple to spoil the whole bunch.  Or maybe they'd just needed a little time to process the shit, and eventually discard it as ludicrous.  He was sure there were Jacksonites who still had their doubts; those people would be the ones who said 'I told you so,' whenever it eventually became known that he and Ellie were _together_ that way.  Not for a long time, though, as they had to keep their secret for years, yet.  _If we come back to this town, anyway..._

His heart ached a little -- hell, _more_ than a little... looking around the room at all these people, thinking _it will never be like this again_ … and that this might not be the best place for him and Ellie in the long-term after all.  But watching Ellie interact with everyone... it was such a joy to Joel, to see her in her element, smiling and laughing... soaking up the affection and attention from all these people who couldn't help but love her.  People who had Ellie-shaped footprints on their hearts now.  ... _If we DON'T come back, how can I take all of this away from her?_ It was a question that didn't need to be answered any time soon.  One he reckoned he could think about in the middle of the nights to come when he couldn't sleep, listening to the breathing rhythms of the two sleeping girls.

As hard as it was for Joel and Ellie to drag themselves there in the first place, it sure was hard to leave at the end, when it was down to just Annie and Esther.  They were torn between having a little more time for Ellie to spend with Annie, and getting to bed as soon as possible for what could be their last good sleep of the next couple months.  If they could even sleep well this last night, anyhow.  Esther claimed she was pissed at Joel for leaving because now she'd surely be stuck with some 'Chatty Cathy' type (he'd had to laugh when Ellie thought she was referring to Skank-Kathy) on guard duty or patrol, and she'd miss the silence they shared.  Then she'd teased Ellie about some embarrassing farm shit... like ripping her pants on the fence, falling in the mud with the pigs... that was about as sentimental as Esther would get.  She’d finished with one of those stupid jokes Ellie liked so much:  _"What kind of shoes do frogs wear?" / "Open-toad."_   Ellie had hugged her for that -- which was nice to see, because although Ellie wouldn't admit there was anything wrong between her and Esther, Joel had noticed some hostility on Ellie's part.  Probably just unfounded jealousy. 

It was well past midnight when Ellie finally gave Annie one last hug, both of them with tears streaming down their faces.  Ellie extracted all kinds of promises from her regarding the animals -- be sure to give this one extra belly scratches, be sure to let that one 'help' you water the horses... Joel didn't catch all of it, but he was sure Annie knew the animals just as well or better than Ellie did -- he figured it was Ellie's way of saying goodbye to them.  She hadn't had time to tell them all in person, and although they were heading back down there in the morning to pick up the horses, Joel didn't want her lingering there, trying to chase down all the animals to give them hugs and kisses, getting herself all worked up again.  Things would be hectic enough, gathering all their shit and making sure they didn't forget anything.  _This_ was goodbye, tonight... and he would just have to remind Ellie that it wasn't forever.

That night, Joel had refused to lay on the bed with Ellie, as usual... but he'd invited her to lay with him on the floor.  If Tommy or Maria happened to find them snuggled up together in the morning, they could pretend Ellie had crawled down there in the middle of the night with 'last night nerves' or some shit.  Again, it wasn't considered creepy if Ellie was the one who initiated it -- and what kind of dick would he have to be to refuse to comfort her on their last night there?  He felt he could probably drift off to sleep easily enough with Ellie back in his arms, but it took Ellie a little while to wind down from the evening.  She told Joel what so-and-so had said and the thing what's-her-name had done, and so forth... some of it Joel had already observed, unbeknownst to her, but he listened contentedly to her happy chatter. 

Then she became a little sadder, thinking about possibly not ever seeing some of them again.  There was no way to keep in touch with people.  Every time someone left, there was no guarantee they'd ever return.  That was true in the old world too, of course, but the likelihood of something bad happening outside these walls was much higher -- and in the old world, you were much more likely to be able to find out where people had ended up, thanks to Google and Facebook and the like.  Now... you kind of just had to accept that _goodbye for now_ could very well mean _goodbye forever_.  It wasn't something that people acknowledged openly tonight during their goodbyes... everyone had appeared to take their promises to return _~someday~_ at face value... but it was understood.  Joel would be shocked if they returned in the spring and found everything the same... that no one had died or gone missing.  And new families would arrive; perhaps others would choose to leave.  It would never be the same as it was now.

Joel hadn't really gotten sentimental about shit like that in recent years -- hell, _decades_.  It was the old world memories that tugged at his heartstrings... especially after Ellie had started tugging some strings of her own.  _I'm actually going to miss this place_ , he realized.  And not just the safety and luxuries, the comfort of routine.  He had a lot of good memories here.  _Mostly with Ellie, though, and she'll be with me.  She's the one leaving footprints behind... and carrying some with her as well.  But me?  Nope.  Mine will just be tracks on the ground leading me out of here..._ or, rather, leading him to the horse that would lead him out of there.  Still, all of it would be washed away by the next rain.

He ignored his under-Tommy's-roof guilt and kissed Ellie good night for a good long while.  Tender kisses, sweet and slow, conveying love more than passion.  It had been hard to end that, too... but he wanted to ensure both of them got at least _some_ sleep that night -- what could be salvaged of it, anyway.  And he was quite tired... content, in spite of a certain amount of anxiety over the changes about to come... at peace, holding Ellie close... he was pretty sure he would drift off to sleep before she did.

He was also pretty sure he wasn't going to be able to go any decent length of time without kissing her that way.  He wasn't as strong as Ellie; she needed the intimacy too, yes, but after what she’d shown him earlier… he was confident she could do anything that needed to be done as far as going without. _I ain't so sure that **I** can, though.  I’m just not the same guy I was when I left Boston.  We'll have to come up with something._


	28. Setting Forth

**Day 1**

 

Tommy and Maria were the last to bid Joel and Ellie farewell, seeing them off at the gate.  Maria got a little misty-eyed, but didn't get all mushy... and Tommy and Joel acted like they were just saying goodbye for the week or something.  Well, except for the man hug.  Ellie gave each of them a _real_ hug -- and she didn't cry.  She was too excited!  _California, here we come!_  And they couldn't have asked for a nicer day to set out on their journey.  The sky was bright, adorned with friendly, fluffy white clouds, and the sun was warm on their backs.

When the three of them had gotten together to map their route, Ellie had wanted to ride through Infected Valley (er, _Swan_ Valley -- she should give the town its proper name back, since Joel had disposed of the Infected there!) for old times' sake, but Joel had overruled her, saying that a couple months ago was hardly 'old times,' and there was no reason to add extra miles to their trip by going that way.  _"It's so long ago that I've lost track of how many weeks it's been!"_ she'd protested, earning her a Look from Joel -- but it wasn't like she'd used the words 'anniversary' or 'first kiss.'  She didn't care if Sophie thought she was a weirdo for counting the weeks since that battle.  And the woman could just wonder why Joel wouldn't even discuss the possibility of taking the route that went through Salt Lake City (well... actually, since the journey was over 100 miles longer that way, she probably wouldn't be wondering).

Sophie was the only one who'd been in this area before, but she'd had little input to offer, stating that _the boys_ had made the decisions about where to go -- and without the benefit of maps.  She hadn't been very interested in planning _this_ route, either... content to let Joel and Ellie 'pick whatever.'  Joel took that in stride; Ellie found that attitude irritating, for some reason.  She shouldn't have, because Sophie wanting to be less involved with anything related to Joel was a _good_ thing!  It was pretty much up to Joel in the end anyway, but Ellie did want to help navigate.  To be Joel's _partner_.  An asset to him, not just some little girl following her daddy.  Of course, Sophie didn't have anything to prove, the way Ellie did.  Joel did insist on all of them carrying a copy of the so-called primary map with the intended route marked, just in case.  The maps could get damaged, lost, stolen... or maybe one of them would get separated from the others... Sophie had looked a bit freaked out by that last one.  Ellie couldn't blame her, given her uselessness.  Not that Ellie liked to think about it herself, but 'shit happens' was a good motto to live by out there.

Between her and Sophie, Ellie was the more experienced rider -- and of course, the more experienced survivor in general -- so it probably would have made more sense for her and Sophie to share a horse.  Ellie just plain didn't _want_ to; she wanted to ride with Joel.  When they were discussing details like this in the planning stages, she'd been sure to make Sophie a bit... _wary_ of Spirit (okay, more like scared shitless?), claiming that he frequently tried to toss his riders.  Which wasn't a _total_ lie!  He did try, sometimes... but not so much with Ellie, and not nearly as often as she made it seem.  Joel and Sophie on the same horse wouldn't have made sense, weight-distribution-wise (though of course, the real reason to reject that configuration was _oh HELL no_ ).  Then she tried to make it seem like Joel couldn't handle Spirit without her -- that if Ellie wasn't the one riding Spirit, all hell would break loose.  Sophie may have believed her... Joel certainly didn't!  However, he didn't call bullshit on it, so she got her way.  He liked the idea of them riding together, too, and as far as Ellie was concerned, he owed her one for working it out that way.  She really didn't need to be told _"no groping."_   But apparently, Joel felt the need to say it.

As for weight distribution... it needn't have been a real factor in the decision, because they simply loaded the single-rider horse with more of their stuff to even things out.  Sophie _had_ taken an interest in that -- she wanted to bring waaaay too much stuff.  Namely, clothes.  It made sense, since her hope was to find her brother and live with him, but there was only so much they could reasonably haul. 

Ellie had volunteered to be in charge of limiting Sophie's cargo.  An unenviable task, but at least it kept Joel out of that bedroom... and Ellie had a second ulterior motive as well.  She helped Sophie decide which articles of clothing to bring, which to leave, and which to donate back to the warehouse.  There was no set rule about how long a person had to be gone before their stuff was officially deemed community property again, but Sophie didn't need everything she had in her closet (which was way more than what Ellie and Joel had, but then, neither of them had asked for much).  On the other hand, no one in town was in dire straits for clothes, either.  Ellie suspected that Sophie's house would get raided long before she returned... _if_ she returned... and people would just take whatever they liked.  Sophie had thought about bringing some of Alex's clothes along, but Ellie had nixed that idea -- at least for items she couldn't also wear herself along the way.  Ellie did offer to stash some stuff at Tommy and Maria's, but Sophie wasn't overly attached to anything that she'd elected to leave behind. 

Ellie had noticed a very familiar cowboy hat in the bedroom -- it belonged to Max.  Sophie claimed that Max had given it to her, and she intended to wear it on their trip.  Then she'd promptly changed the subject.  Ellie had meant to ask Max about it later, but then she completely forgot about it when she saw him; he wasn't especially forthcoming on the Sophie topic as it was, so he might not have had much to say about that, either.  She just couldn't help wondering if Max had simply left it there after sleeping over, because it seemed an odd present to give a woman.  It also seemed odd that Sophie wanted to bring it when, as far as Ellie knew, the two weren't even speaking to each other now; if she hated him, why put a constant reminder on her head?  And shouldn’t she give it back to him?  Ellie didn’t know what the rules were about that.  Max had another hat, so it wasn’t like he needed it or anything…

Anyway, being Joel's _clothing rules_ enforcer gave Ellie a good excuse to examine Sophie's wardrobe... and as she'd suspected, there were some sexy nightclothes in her underwear drawer.  Most of the panties were in as sad of shape as Ellie's, she was pleased to note... though they were definitely sexier.  A couple of pairs had practically no cloth on them whatsoever -- and they were _designed_ that way!  Completely impractical.  She'd advised Sophie to ditch those, but Sophie figured they weighed nothing and took up no space, so why not bring them?  Ellie didn't argue that. 

It wasn't her panties that interested Ellie, anyway.  She'd told Sophie to bring only one nightie (it wasn't like she'd even get to wear them on the journey!), and the woman agreed without an argument.  She had four to choose from.  Ellie knew which one she _didn't_ want her to pick...

She'd lucked out there:  Sophie had picked the red one.  That left the coveted black one free for Ellie to swipe when Sophie wasn't looking. 

Ellie had pretended to be folding them all nicely to put back in the drawer, but she'd rolled up the black one and stuffed it down her pants instead.  It would probably be too big for Ellie, but she would make do; someday she wanted to surprise Joel by wearing it, and it nearly made her giggle to imagine the look that would be on his face... how he would wonder where she got it, and tell her she was a naughty girl... _in more ways than one!_   And it was black -- the 'bad' color, the opposite of innocent little white... maybe it would push Joel juuuust a teensy bit more toward having sex with her.  She'd just had to hope that Joel would have no desire to inventory her bag before they left... and she'd lucked out there, too!  Which was awesome, because the lingerie wasn't the only thing in there she had to hide.

It had pained Ellie to leave the guitar behind, but there was just no way to justify lugging that along, and there was too great a risk of it getting damaged -- or ditched, if they ever had to make a quick getaway.  They took all the gear they'd had when they arrived at Jackson, and plenty of fresh supplies and ammo.  Also, Joel had acquired a belt holster for Ellie so she didn't have to tuck her gun into her jeans anymore, and it could carry a gun on each side.  Sophie had a little Ruger pistol that was even smaller than Ellie's 9-millimeter, and Joel got her a single-gun belt holder.  It was enough for her, since she might not even have to fire her gun; it was for 'emergencies only.'  Which Ellie had heard before, of course -- but!  This time it wasn't Joel trying to do everything on his own -- it was _her_ and Joel.  Together, they could handle _anything_.  Still, Joel had felt it wise to give Sophie some pointers -- with Ellie present to prevent any possible seduction attempts on Sophie's part, of course.

So far, Ellie had to admit, Sophie had behaved like a model client.  No skankiness.  Ellie rather liked the shirt she was wearing... it was a button-down plaid, but something about the shoulders and the collar made it look a little girlier than the ones she herself wore at times.  The soft pink stripes, too.  Her long, honey-blond hair was pulled into a braid that hung down her back... very much like Annie wore hers, Ellie noted.  Their hair was similar in color, too.  It was weird to think of Annie when she looked at Sophie.

And, of course, there was Max's cowboy hat.  If Joel recognized it, he didn't say so.  She hoped he did, for purely selfish reasons:  if Joel thought of Max every time he looked at Sophie, Ellie had nothing to worry about there.

Never mind that she had nothing to worry about, period.  Yes, she knew better... she knew Joel loved her... but she couldn't help thinking sometimes that just because he loved her today didn't mean he always would.  There were no guarantees in this world.  If she looked at things objectively, like an outsider would, it just made more sense for him to be with Sophie than with her.  But, if she found herself thinking shit like that, she just needed to remind herself that she and Joel _did_ make sense to each other, if no one else.  And Joel didn't care that she was wearing a childish Jak and Daxter T-shirt rather than a more stylish, feminine top... something more like Sophie's.

The woman was quieter than Ellie had expected, making her wonder if Outside-quiet was one of the lessons Joel had given her this week.  Talking wasn't expressly forbidden, and none of them were dead silent or anything, but Ellie knew Joel didn't like getting into lengthy conversations while they were riding.  Or on breaks.  Or... ever, really.  -Okay, maybe he wasn't exactly like that anymore, but Ellie was still the more talkative of the two of them, and Sophie certainly had to be at least more of a talker than Joel.  They rode nearly side by side for the most part, with Joel and Ellie slightly in front, riding Ellie's beloved palomino stallion, Spirit, and Sophie riding Poppy, a chestnut-and-white mare whom they believed was related to Callus (and who very well could get pregnant on this trip, but with an 11-month gestation period, it wasn't expected to be a problem).

They took a break after a bunch of hours, more to rest the horses than themselves, and Joel surprised her by announcing he was going to spend some quality time with nature -- their euphemism for taking a shit, which they'd just enlightened Sophie on.  _But he took care of that this morning at the house... ?_

"Are you okay?" she asked, eying him suspiciously.

"Jus' fine," he replied.  "Did you somehow forget that I... need to do that sometimes?"

"No, but--"

"I don' wanna gross out Sophie too bad, so I'm gonna go over there, behind those rocks.  Ellie, you come with me an' stand guard like usual."  He turned to Sophie.  "You'll be fine here with the horses... they'll start makin' noise if anyone comes along, an' we'll hear it."

"You need Ellie to protect you for that?" said Sophie with amusement.

"Yep.  That's a very... vulnerable position for a man to be in."

Sophie squinted at the rocks.  "And you're going... all the way over there?"

"Trust me.  It's best that way." 

"...Okie dokie then, suit yourself."

Joel had never asked her to do that before, but by now of course Ellie had caught on to the little game he was playing.  Honestly, it didn't really make much sense; to Ellie's knowledge, he'd never been tested, but she was confident Joel could shoot enemies and even reload while taking a dump.  However, Sophie had no idea what was normal, or what their habits were... why not turn that to their advantage?  "Yeah, he's right -- it's best this way.  I don't know which is worse:  the stench, or the sound effects!  I'll do the same for you if you want," Ellie called cheerfully over her shoulder to Sophie as she hurried after Joel toward the big-ass boulders he'd gestured to. 

Joel gave her a did-you-really-have-to-say-that look, and she giggled.  "Sorry, I couldn't resist!  That's what you were already hinting at yourself, anyway."

"You could've jus' let her wonder which it was that's so... offensive," Joel chuckled.  "But I don' give a _shit_ what she thinks about that."

"Ohhhh you're so _pun-_ ny!" Ellie said happily.  It couldn't have taken more than half a minute to reach their destination, but somehow it took forever.  Joel strode ahead for the last few seconds of it.  When she caught up to him, he grabbed her and pushed her up against the back side of the huge rock (it was taller than Joel!), and started kissing her so hard she got that awesome dizzy feeling she loved so much.  His hands roving her body only intensified it.  By the time they came up for air, Ellie was quite breathless.  "Omigod, Joel... my head... spinning..."

He smiled wickedly and started kissing her again, a little softer now so they could talk a little in between kisses.  "This is really stupid... can't do it for long..."

"Mmm... yeah, I thought you said..."

"Changed my mind... last night..."

"I'm so glad!"  She thought she was going to have to wait _months_ for this, not mere hours!

"Kissin' only, though... no, uh... naughty stuff..." He started kissing her neck in that way that made her melt.

She giggled.  "Well, she already thinks you've got your pants down, so..."

"No.  Bad Ellie."

A little tingle ran through her when his tongue tickled her earlobe.  _More like 'bad Joel'... I like this bad Joel!_   "Mmmm... but what's she gonna think when you come back with a raging hard-on?"

Joel pulled back slightly to look at her.  "Uh... you can walk directly in front of me."

"Yeah, like _that_ would look normal."

"Then... I'll just adjust it a little... it'll go away.  An' we can walk back real slow.  We're on break, so."

Ellie snaked her hand down to his crotch, pleased that he was indeed sporting a bulge.  "I can help you get rid of it," she purred in his ear.

He lifted her hand up and kissed it.  "No.  But I do thank you for the kind offer."

They made out for another few minutes before Joel decided it was time to head back... walking as slowly as possible.  Ellie didn't know how he could just get rid of his erection without actually doing anything that provided release, but somehow he could.  Just one of the mysteries of being male, she supposed.  And it _was_ harder to see after he ~adjusted~ it.  "So, if I have to spend quality time with nature like twice a day, and _you_ have to twice a day -- with some of those being legit, of course -- we can do that four times every day!"

Joel chuckled.  "No, that's pushin' it, kiddo.  Especially out here when we're not eatin' as regular.  Once'll do.  An' maybe not every day."

"Twice!  Cuz now when you really have to go, it'll be weird if you don't take me with you.  And she doesn't have to know how often is normal for you," Ellie pointed out sensibly.

"Actually... she didn' seem all that convinced as it is," Joel replied.  "Did you see the look on her face when we left?"

"Okay, so... I'll make sure I walk around a little -- in her view -- with my gun out and stuff, sometimes.  And even if she doesn't totally buy it, is it really that big a deal if--"

"Yes.  No one can know, Ellie.  What happens if we all go back to--"

"Then we tell her to keep her fucking mouth shut!"

Joel snorted.  "That's how secrets get out.  By everyone tellin' someone who swears they won' tell a soul, until someone does."

"Okay, whatever -- but we can do it twice.  This girl I used to room with went twice a day, pretty much every day.  Sometimes _three_ times."  Ellie was exaggerating a little there... _but it's for such a good cause!_

"That... ain't normal.  But fine -- once or twice.  She can think I have... good plumbing.  And we still gotta be careful... quiet... can't get too carried away."

Ellie watched Sophie puttering around the horses, still out of earshot for maybe another thirty seconds.  _At least she didn't follow us.  Joel would've heard her coming, if I didn't!_   She gasped as a thought struck her.  "Oh man -- you know what she probably thinks?  That you don't want to shit close to her cuz you _like_ her.  Cuz it's un _romantic_."

"Well, if she thinks that, that's her problem.  You notice she hasn't been tryin' to flirt with me, don'tcha?"

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "Duh, because she thinks she's doing me a favor.  Out of pity.  The whole town thinks poor pathetic little Ellie has a hopeless crush on a guy who's never going to love her back."  _...And maybe because I might shoot her?_

"If only they knew it was the other way around," Joel said with a sigh, feigning sorrow at the thought.

"Whatever!"  Ellie knew she loved Joel more than he loved her; she knew that because there was simply _no way_ anyone could love a person more than she loved Joel.

 

* * *

 

So far, they were following the highways.  Soon there would be a stretch where they would venture through the roadless countryside (deemed by scouts to be navigable), relying on Joel's compass and his innately superior sense of direction.  Ellie's direction sense wasn't bad... Sophie professed that hers was terrible and she should probably never even be allowed to pee on her own because she might get lost coming back.  Ellie couldn't decide whether she was joking, scared to be out there by herself, or attempting to get Joel to accompany her for some nefarious reason -- and that last one would be dumb, because Ellie was her logical 'pee pee partner.' 

The place they decided to stop for the night was a farmhouse set back off the highway... actually, not even visible from the highway.  They had to follow a dirt road off of some street off the highway to get to it, and when Ellie caught a glimpse of it, she squealed.  "That one!  Look!  It's perfect!"  She was viewing it through the binoculars (because being their eyes was her assigned specialty), trying to determine the condition of the fence. "Yes!  Perfect -- as long as the fence isn't broken somewhere..."

"Even if it ain't, I think we oughta put Spirit on a--"

"Nooooooo -- he'll be a good boy!  Won't you, Spirit -- no jumping fences."  The horse knew they were talking about him; he started galloping towards the house.  "Haha, he's excited to see it!"

Joel reined up in front of the house's porch and turned to glance at Ellie.  "You didn' notice I told him to do that?  I jus' wanted to see if he'd actually run after goin' all day long."

"Of course he did!  He loves going fast."  Ellie slid off the horse and moved forward to rub his nose.  They probably _would_ need to secure the horses to some extent, just to be on the safe side.  They'd debated the benefits of letting them graze overnight versus holing them up in houses or stables... and pretty much decided to play it by ear each night.  They wouldn't always have the luxury of options.  "Thank you for getting us this far, boy!"

Joel dismounted and touched her shoulder... for one crazy second, she thought he was going to take her in his arms, but of course he didn't -- Sophie was pulling up to the house now, after all.  "Stay here, kiddo, I'll go check out the pasture back there."

"I'll go with you!"

"No, wait here with Sophie an' the horses.  I'll be back real quick."  His tone was no-nonsense.

Ellie thought he was passing up the perfect opportunity to sneak a few more kisses by taking her with him, but she told herself not to be greedy.  If she got to kiss him just once a day, that was more than she'd originally hoped for.  _Once, but like, fifty times during that once!_

Sophie dismounted and started undoing her bags.  "I'll start taking these--"

"No, he said wait here," Ellie told her.  "In case there's people in there.  Which there's prob'ly not -- you can just never assume.  But... actually, I can check that out myself... yeah.  Just remember not to stand behind the horses."

"I know -- between the two of you telling me multiple times each, I _know_ ," Sophie groaned... but it was a good-natured groan. 

Ellie was surprised to find that Sophie's presence wasn't as annoying as she'd expected -- other than the fact that it hindered her play time with Joel, but that was hardly her fault.  _Must be because I'm so HAPPY!_ Ellie decided as she headed up the porch steps.  They were Outside and thus, in greater danger, yet it was a relief to be free of people who wanted to hurt them in some way.  _So fucking ass-backwards!_ Actually, it was pretty much the same situation on either side of Jackson's walls now; everyone they encountered could possibly be an enemy.  _...and that's only a SLIGHT exaggeration, really..._  

Ellie tugged on the front door of the house, and found it unlocked -- which was usually the case with the random houses they checked (any doors that were locked had a higher likelihood of having humans behind them... or they could just be busted and stuck).  She proceeded with caution, just like Joel would have.  The sun was setting, so although there was plenty of light outside, the house was dark enough inside that she opted to turn on her flashlight, which was clipped to her backpack strap.  She pulled out the 9-millimeter and kept it ready as she crept through the rooms.  She found a light switch and flicked it.  Nothing happened, of course.  _Damn.  Well, I had to try._ The house had a rickety feel to it... but she could let Joel decide if it was going to cave in on them, as that was his area of expertise.  It was just dark and creepy and kind of musty... but most importantly, it was unoccupied.  The staircase creaked in a few places, even though she was treading softly.  That was good -- they'd have warning if someone were to come up the stairs, then.  Joel would like that.  Ellie would swear that the man could hear even a little squeak like that in his sleep.

She'd only just started exploring the bedrooms when she heard it creaking again.  _Shit!  -Oh, wait, DUH.._. "Joel?"

No answer.  She hid behind the open bedroom door, gun still drawn.  She heard the footsteps approaching... yes, it had to be him.  "Joel?" she tried again, more tentatively.

A sigh.  "Ellie, what did I tell you?" he said quietly from the hall.  His flashlight beam danced around the room.

She popped her head out from behind the door, conjuring up her most disarming smile when the light found her.  "To stay outside.  But, see--"

"You check this whole floor?  Or the attic?"

"No--"

"Go back down there.  Sophie started unloadin' so you can take the horses out back, walk 'em around a bit, calm 'em down."  He was walking around now, checking the other rooms, and Ellie could tell by his demeanor that he'd already determined there was no one here.  That he was only checking now because it would bother him if he didn't.  Like he might actually ever be _wrong_ , when he never was.  Ellie scurried over to him and tried to give him a hug from behind.

"Jus' go.  Please."

Ellie stared at him.  "You're mad because I was being _helpful?"_

"Not mad.  Go on."

But she could tell he was annoyed.  She sighed and stomped off towards the stairs.  Kept stomping all the way down, too, doubling the volume of the creaking.  Wordlessly, she started helping Sophie with the gear.  She could feel the woman watching her.

"Did he yell at you or something?" She sounded sympathetic.

Ellie snorted.  "Not really.  But I've already managed to piss him off.  Couldn't even make it a whole day.  Guess some things never change."

"Betcha he won't stay mad for long.  Not at you.  All you have to do is smile at him and he'll forget he's pissed."

"Ha.  Already tried that.  Well, if you wait here a sec, he'll come down and carry most of this shit inside.  I'll find somewhere back there to stick the tack.  Or... maybe I'll bring that in, too.  I dunno."  She just wanted to leave before Joel could come down and lecture her like a little kid in front of Sophie.

She started to lead the horses around back, and hadn't quite made it all the way around the house when she heard Sophie's silvery little laugh... she hadn't heard that all day long.  _Fuck!_  She stopped abruptly and strained her ears a little... and heard Sophie's voice: _"This one's REALLY heavy... not for you, of course..."_  

No one was around to see it save for the horses, but Ellie had to roll her eyes.  Even though she probably said shit like that to him herself... she just wasn't in the mood to be fair.  He always seemed to like it... like when she made him squeeze her as hard as he could.  _I don't sound THAT lame, though... do I?!  But, if he LIKES that shit... maybe I don't sound lame ENOUGH!_

She resumed her trek out back, taking longer strides now.  Probably still stomping a little.  _Fucking bitch!  She must think she's won this round._  Ellie stopped the horses by the back porch steps.  She saw what looked like a stable not too far away, but she was pretty sure Joel would rather keep everything inside the house, where it was more easily guarded.  "Fuck Joel," she muttered to Spirit as she started undoing his bridle.  "I'll bring it in the house cuz it's what _I_ think we should do.  That stupid skank... pretending to be my friend but just sitting there waiting to get her claws into Joel."  She tossed the bridle and halter up on the porch... or tried to; they landed on one of the steps.  She started on the saddle.  "Joel can come take all this inside too.  I should throw it around all over the place and he can go around and pick it up.  Except you know what?  He'd tell me to do it.  Like he can just fucking order me around.  Like I'm his little slave."  _Or his DAUGHTER_... it _would_ be easier to just let him do his dad thing out here.  _No -- SOPHIE is the kid here.  I'm his PARTNER._   Ellie patted Spirit's neck.  "Sorry, boy, I'm just being a bitch now.  Come here, girl..."

She turned her attention to freeing Poppy from her tack.  _I shouldn't leave Sophie alone with him.  Even if he yells at me and she thinks it's funny or whatever... then at least they wouldn't be alone.  Fuckity fuck FUCK oh hey wait a minute, I need to leave the halters on to get them to the paddock... there I go, fucking things up again._   She sighed and re-strapped Poppy's halter on.  The saddle could go, though.  Spirit was already noshing away and had no interest in lifting his head for her.  "What, you hate me now too?  Come _on_ , Spirit... okay fine, whatever, stay there and just don't fucking run off.  Poppy will come check out the fence with me, won't you, girl..."

Ellie led the cooperative horse out to the nearest paddock, then led her around the perimeter on the inside, surveying the fence.  There was a trough in there that had some water... hopefully from a recent rain, not too stagnant.  It seemed okay to Ellie.  _Did he want me to just let her wander around in here if the fence is good, or picket anyway?  I don't think he said.  Whichever one I do, he'll probably be mad because he didn't say and I should've just fucking KNOWN or something.  He just told me to walk them around.  Like I should walk them around in circles all night until he deems it an appropriate fucking time to come and tell me what to do next._

Then she started torturing herself with thoughts of what Joel and Sophie might be doing inside.  Oh, she knew that Joel wouldn't do anything... but she didn't know what Sophie might _try_.  And maybe the trying would be harmful to their relationship.  _Maybe she'll kiss him, and he won't stop her because he'll be frozen in shock -- cuz of course he's BLIND  about her and won't realize what she's doing until it's too late -- and then he'll realize he LIKES kissing her, cuz maybe she's a better kisser than me..._

That was a terrifying thought.  Yet _still_ she couldn't make herself go in there.

She decided to leave Poppy naked in the paddock.  As she walked back toward Spirit, she noticed Joel coming out the back door of the house.  _Be cool and calm, Ellie..._

He waited on the porch until she got closer before he spoke.  He gestured at the horse.  "How are you gonna get him to--"

"I don't know!" she snapped.  She rubbed Spirit's neck a little.  He still needed to walk; his golden coat was kind of sweaty.  She retrieved the halter and rope, thankful that she hadn't tossed them in the direction of the porch steps before leading Poppy away.  Joel couldn't even see her from where he was, with Spirit between them. "C'mon, boy," she cooed to the horse, "there's a lot better stuff to eat over there... prob'ly... and you're walking first so don't get too excited... just... please, Spirit?"  The horse finally lifted his head and snorted at her.  "Thank you," she said as she quickly slipped the halter back on, grateful for at least one small victory.

"Ellie--"

"I gotta go walk him still," she said coldly, hoping he noticed the abrupt change in her tone.  He was lucky she didn't add a _so fuck off_ to that.  She could feel his eyes on her... not in any sort of fun, lustful way, though.

"Well... when you're done, I'm gonna make us a little fire over here an' cook up the frozen -- well, thawed, now--"

"Whatever!" she called back to him.  She noticed he'd started to follow her.

"Ellie..."

"What?  I'll come over in a bit."

He stopped following and just stood there.  She walked all the way to the paddock and did a whole lap in there, and he was still standing there.  _Is he waiting for me, or what?_ She ignored him and started another lap.  _Now he'll come in here and follow me... catch up to me and try to talk..._

But when she glanced over her shoulder, she saw that he'd turned around.  He was going up the steps.  Suddenly, the panic beckoned, and it was stronger than her anger.  "Joel!  Wait!"  _Don't leave._

He turned back toward her, and she gave Spirit another pat.  "Good boy.  I'll come back and get this off you later, okay?"  Joel was waiting in front of the steps.  She trotted over there and stood in front of him.  It was getting too dark now to make out his expression very well, especially since the differences were so subtle sometimes.  "Are you mad?"

"Why are _you_ so mad?" he asked... in that gentle way he spoke to her sometimes.  A tone she liked to think was reserved for only her.

"I'm not."  It wasn't even a lie, she realized.  "I'm just being stupid."

"Okay then, why do you think you're bein' stupid?"

She shrugged.  She really didn't want to discuss anything Sophie-related at the moment.  Not even to slyly coax him into reassuring her.  "I'm sorry.  I should listen to you.  I was just trying to help."

"I'm sorry too, kiddo."  He spread his arms and she lunged forward to hug him in the 'safe' public method -- around the waist, not the neck.  He held her tightly.  "Sorry I was... cross.  But... you know I like to check things out before I let you--"

"Before you _let_ me.  Right.  But if we're partners now... we are, aren't we?"

"Whatever you wanna call it."

"No, I mean like... well, that too, but I mean... last time, you were the bodyguard.  Now, both of us are."

He kissed the top of her head and released her.  "Equal partnership?  Is that what you're thinkin'?"

"Yeah."

"No can do.  I'm still your bodyguard too, you know."

"And I'm yours, so we're even!"

He laughed.  "Ahhhhh... no."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm older.  Bigger.  Stronger."

"A chauvinist," she teased.

"According to you, yes.  I prefer to think of it as being... a gentleman."

"A gentleman?  ...okay soooo doesn't that mean ladies first?"

Joel smirked.  "Not in this case.  I know you can handle yourself… but if we're gonna get ambushed, I'd rather have 'em hit me than you."

"Pffft.  Like that's gonna happen.  And what if I'd rather have them hit _me?_   Rather than you?"

"Tough shit.  Older an' stronger."

"Whatever."  She really didn't mind that Joel felt protective of her.  _Over_ protective.  She wasn't even sure why she got mad about it sometimes, because wasn't he just proving that he loved her when he acted like that?  "Okay, so is our first fight of the trip out of the way then?"

"Uh... if that was a fight, then... yeah.  Yeah, I s'pose it counts."  He mussed her hair. "Come on.  You know Sophie can't get a fire goin' by herself, an' I'm pretty damn hungry."

Ellie snickered.  "Okay... oh wait, I have to get Spirit's..." She took Joel's hand and dragged him back to the paddock with her.

"I'm thinkin' we let 'em graze here tonight," he said while she tended to Spirit, "and... you'n'me, we sleep downstairs.  There's a broken window in the back, so I'll hear the horses if they get agitated.  Let Sophie sleep in one of the bedrooms.  With the door shut."

It took her a moment to register that he was looking at her expectantly.  _Is he saying..._ She gasped. "You mean--"

"No, don' get all happy... we'll jus' be sleepin' together.  Not... sleepin' together," he added with a chuckle.

"Like... _together_ -together, though?  That's awesome!  That's amazing!  Do you want me to start going to sleep in one of the bedrooms and then have a nightmare and get all hysterical so she thinks--"

"No!  No, kiddo, you don' need to do that.  But thank you."  He took the harness from her, took hold of her hand on the other side of him, and started walking back toward the house.  "I'm gonna tell her I'm the one who can't sleep without _you_ nearby."

"So you're the needy one for a change?" Ellie asked delightedly.

"Right."

"Yay!  Nearby, as in... sharing a blanket?"

"Yep.  Chalk it up to bein' paranoid about my baby girl's safety.  If she don' like it, well... nothin' she can do about it now."

Ellie grinned.  "I love you!  Like, a lot!"

"Love you, too.  But ssshhh, we're almost..."  Sophie had just come out of the house, onto the back porch.

Ellie swung their hands happily.  _Take THAT, skank!_ she thought meanly.  Then she felt a tiny nip of guilt, because poor Sophie didn't have what Ellie had... and she would _never_ have it, no matter how cute her laugh was.  Not with Joel, not with anyone else.  _Because NO ONE can have what I have!_   She just had to remind herself of her good fortune sometimes. 

Knowing she was going to be sleeping next to Joel all night had solidified her good mood, and she could afford to be charitable.  Before Sophie went upstairs to pick out a bedroom, maybe Ellie would even be kind enough to warn her about the skeletal corpse she'd found in that first room she'd checked.  _...Nahhhh, that's no fun!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the first: chapter title is from the Eddie Vedder song (from "Into the Wild").
> 
> Note the second: Trying to come up with an accurate route for this trip that involves detours off the highways, and figuring out how such detours alter the time & distance along the way, plus respecting the geography of the area... it was all starting to hurt my brain. So! Don't-try-this-at-home Disclaimer: should any of you decide you want to travel between Jackson WY and Monterey CA via horseback, do not rely on this depiction as an accurate source of information, as many liberties will be taken ;)
> 
> Note the third: An awesome reader has created the very first fanart I've ever received! And she's graciously allowed me to show it off! It's for C4: "Taming the Green-Eyed Monster" so I've linked it in the notes section at the end of [that chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12548548/chapters/29168886) if you'd like to check it out.


	29. Friends and Enemies

**Day 2**

One thing they had this time around that they didn't on the first trip:  hygiene products!  Ellie had been afraid that Joel might argue this, so she had enlisted Sophie's help to gang up on him about the matter.  But he was surprisingly amicable -- and that was even before he knew they'd be kissing and stuff.  She knew she could live without these luxuries... that they could brush their teeth with twigs and let the rain wash their hair... but she'd become so accustomed to them.  They didn't have the convenience of running water, so they were still _kind_ of roughing it on the hygiene front.

They'd brought some nonperishables with them, but not a ton, because food was bulky and heavy.  What they did bring would be rationed over many days.  They would forage for food soon, or hunt game, which would slow their progress, but Joel had accounted for that when he'd worked out how long the trip would take.  He also didn't want to push the horses too hard, given the loads they carried; there was no need to rush.  At less than thirty miles per day, with some days sprinkled in here and there devoted to rest or hunting or 'something unforeseen,' he estimated they'd be there by early November.  They'd be out of range before any hardcore snow would hit them.  Joel said it pretty much never snows in California, especially on the beach.  Even though he told her it would still be cold, Ellie couldn't help imagining a tropical paradise, like she'd seen in the movies.  Laying out in the warm sun, Joel rubbing something wet on her back (some kind of oil?), the two of them splashing around in the water to cool off when they got a little toasty.

That's what she tried to imagine when the rain started pelting them, anyway.  This time, they had something else they didn't have on their last trip:  rain ponchos!  They were light, not like real raincoats; Joel called them 'glorified trash bags.'  He had advised the girls to put them on at their last break.  The sun had still been shining intermittently, but the clouds were beginning to look ominously dark, and sure enough, they yielded rain before too long.  Gentle at first, but now it was starting to really give them a beating.

Sophie said she wanted to stop, and Joel gave her a stern look.  "We talked about this.  If we stop every time it--"

"Not to wait it out -- I just wanna wash my hair!  What if it doesn't rain again for a while?"  And she slid off of Poppy to rummage in her backpack.  "Ellie, you want to do yours too?"

So Joel had to stop, and Ellie had to stifle a giggle at how annoyed he was.  She gave his shoulders a squeeze of apology, hopped off of Spirit, and yanked the elastic off her ponytail.  "Okay!"

"Didn' you jus' wash it yesterday?" Joel protested to Ellie, frowning as Sophie thrust her cowboy hat at him for safekeeping.

"Yeah, yesterday.  Not today."  Ellie held out her hand for Sophie to squirt a dollop of shampoo.  "Just a little bit.  This has to last us a while."

"You only wash it two days in a row when you work at the farm!" he continued to complain.  He had to raise his voice a little to make himself heard over the rain, and the louder volume made it seem like he was angrier than he was... or _probably_ was.  Ellie thought it was a pretty dumb thing to get angry about, so he was probably just irritated that she was siding with Sophie.

The girls started lathering up their heads as best they could while the rain kept beating down.  "Dangit!" exclaimed Sophie.  "This would be easier if we had some cover!"

The trees around them currently were either too small or too skinny to offer much protection.  "Joel, you should come and... hold one of the blankets over us or something!" Ellie called to him.

"So it gets nice'n'wet for when we gotta sleep on it later?  I don' think so!"

"The ponchos, then?  If we take them off..."  He wasn't even looking at her now.  _Nope, he's not going to lift one finger to help us out!_

"He's so grumpy," Sophie observed, bending over and trying to use Poppy's head as a (not very effective) shield.  Spirit would probably nip her just for acting so weird, but Poppy's personality was much more mellow.

"Get used to it."  Ellie giggled.  "Maybe he feels left out.  JOEL!  YOU CAN DO IT TOO IF YOU WANT!"

He didn't answer.  Not with words, anyway; his expression, however, spoke volumes!

"Okay, maybe not," said Ellie, as if she hadn't already known better.  "Oops, I need a little more..."  The first tiny bit had run off before it actually _washed_ anything.  She found where Sophie had set the bottle and helped herself to another dollop.  She knew better than to try the same thing twice -- her hands just couldn't work faster than that rain.

Sophie was now trying to wash her hair with one hand while the other one sort of held the hood of the poncho over it.  "Try it this way!"

One-handed washing would be annoyingly slow.  "I got a better idea!"  She was young and nimble... _Maybe I can sort of like... if I lean forward, I could use my own body as a rain shield while I..._ "Motherfucker!"

She'd leaned so far over that she ended up doing an accidental somersault -- right smack into the mud.

That made Sophie crack up.  Embarrassing as that was, Ellie couldn't help laughing a little herself at the absurdity of it as she sat up.  Her poncho had ridden up some when she leaned forward, so she also had mud on her jeans.  She glanced at Joel.  He still looked annoyed, but she could detect a smile lurking beneath that.  He tried to conceal it with his trademark scowl, but it was there!

Sophie offered her hand to Ellie.  "Girl!  You okay?"

Ellie took it and stood up.  "No -- I got mud in my hair, now it's dirtier than it was before!  And is it just me, or is it raining a little less hard now?!"  She quickly turned her face up to the sky and started slicking the water through her hair.

"It'd serve you right if it stopped rainin' right this second!" Joel smirked down at her.

Ellie ignored him.  "I think I got it all out..."

Sophie retrieved the shampoo.  "I can wash it for you real quick?  It's still raining enough... I think..."

The rain was definitely easing up.  "No, it's okay -- oh, but my butt's all muddy, too!"  She hiked the poncho back up and presented her ass -- well, her jeans -- to the sky to wash off the mud.

"Ellie!" Joel chastised her.  "The whole point of the poncho is to help you _not_ get wet... ?"

She swatted at her bottom a few times before standing upright and smoothing the poncho back down.  She glared at him.  _Is he trying not to laugh?  Now I can't even tell._  "Mud is wet, too!  And anyways my legs got wet before cuz this isn't long enough -- maybe if you hadn't gotten me a _child_ size..."

"It fits you fine," said Sophie, who was now brushing out her own hair.  "It's just kinda hard to cover everything when you're riding a horse."

Ellie watched the woman pull the brush through her long honey-blond hair.  It didn't look so blond now since the water had darkened it.  "Oh man, my hair's gonna be a tangled mess," she lamented.  "I better get my--"

"Here, let me."  Sophie came over and started tugging the brush through Ellie's hair.  "It's not that bad.  Could use some detangler, though... hang on a sec..."

"What, now you gotta do each other's hair?" Joel scoffed.  "Jesus Christ."

"Hey, if your hair was like ten times longer, it would get all tangled up too, and you'd have to brush it," Ellie retorted, wondering if Joel thought sharing a hair brush was gross (since he thought sharing a toothbrush was -- even when he was sharing with her, of all people!).  She was pleased to note that Spirit had his nose in a small puddle; she knew _this_ water was fresh.  Poppy apparently wasn't very thirsty.  And the rain was now reduced to just a drizzle, so she was glad she hadn't attempted another hairwash.  She tried to stay perfectly still while Sophie spritzed something on her hair and worked the brush through it -- rather easily now.  "Wow, that stuff is like magic!"

"Isn't it?  And it's not even full-strength -- I diluted it to make it last longer."

Joel frowned down at them.  "Shampoo is one thing... soap... I get it.  But you brought a bottle of... what, somethin' that saves you a minute of--"

"Just one little bottle, jeez!" Ellie said defensively.  Her first instinct had been the same as Joel's, though:  she'd told Sophie she didn't need to bring it.  In fact, now that she thought about it, Ellie didn't remember Sophie arguing the point until she got her way -- as she'd done with other stuff.  She wasn't certain, but she had a feeling Sophie had packed the bottle anyway.  Which... should have been annoying, but now... _that's totally something **I** would have done.  Ha!  _She _could_ throw Sophie under the bus, as the dumb saying went, and tell Joel she'd told her not to bring it.  For some reason, she didn't feel like doing that.  _Maybe because it's more fun to piss him off than to tell him he's right?_

"Where's your hair band?" Sophie asked.  "I'll put it up for you."

"Thanks!"  Ellie cheerfully handed it to her.  She couldn't remember the last time anyone else had done her ponytail.  Joel knew how to do it, from a lifetime ago with Sarah, but his thing was more taking her hair _down_ , not putting it up.  He did like to brush it for her, sometimes... and sometimes he'd kiss her neck or her ear while he did it... Sophie's hands on her head didn't elicit quite the same reaction in her that Joel's did!

"There."  Sophie stepped back and resumed brushing her own hair.

Ellie could tell she'd put the ponytail up a little higher than she normally did herself, so some of the locks on the bottom would likely be falling out before the day's end, but she didn't complain.  "Want me to do something with yours?"

"Eh, I'm gonna leave it how it is.  Thanks, though.  Not sure that was worth all the effort... washing in the rain is for the birds."  She walked over to Joel to retrieve her hat.  "Thanks for stopping!"

_As if he had a choice!_ Ellie snickered to herself.

"Can we get a move on now?" Joel still sounded cranky, but at least he held his hand out for Ellie to climb back up on the horse.  "Your ponytail looks..."

"High," Ellie supplied.  "You like it?"

"Makes you look younger, I think."

"Really?  Huh."  _Maybe Sophie did it on purpose..._

Ellie couldn't quite make up her mind about Sophie.  One minute she hated her because it felt like she was trying to take Joel from her (even though that was impossible, of course), and the next, she thought it was kind of fun having another girl around. 

The day before, Sophie had tried to have a _fresh start_ talk with her, wherein she expressed her gratitude and how she and Ellie had started off on the wrong foot but she wanted to correct that, blah blah, but Ellie had shut her up with _"it's okay"_ and quickly changed the subject.  She had seemed sincere, and Ellie believed in second chances in general, but... Sophie was still the enemy in one sense.  Not one she wanted to kill -- she even _wanted_ to help reunite her with her brother, for fuck's sake -- but one she had to keep an eye on.  Ellie couldn't just _forget_ that she'd tried to fuck Joel. 

That was a bit of a gray area, though, too.  On the one hand, well... could Ellie really blame her?  Joel was the most fuckable guy in Jackson.  The whole _world_ , even.  On the other hand, trying to steal her man was unforgivable.  ...Even if Sophie hadn't exactly realized she was a thief.

"No more bathroom breaks today," the fuckable Joel declared.

"That wasn't even a bathroom break, though!" Ellie protested.  If Sophie minded, she didn't say so.  _Maybe because if she decides to stop, we're stopping, no matter what Joel says?_

"Well, we're gonna make up for the lost time," Joel said, as if that justified it.

"Joel!  That was hardly any time.  And what's the rush?"  Ellie was sure he was just being petty to get back at them for annoying him.  He'd said right from the start that they weren't going to push too hard, and she fully intended to throw that in his face whenever it applied.  _We haven't even had our pseudo-shit break yet..._ "Well, what if _you_ have to... you know," she asked softly.

"I won't."

"You won't?" Ellie tried not to sound as disappointed as she felt.  "How do you know that?"

"Jus' do."  He turned his head enough to smirk at her.  "But the horses could prob'ly use some rest later so maybe we'll jus' have dinner on the early side."

"So... maybe then."

"Maybe then."

Ellie could handle waiting a while.  If he would have been willing to skip their alone time altogether for such a stupid reason, she'd probably have had to give him the silent treatment the rest of the day.  Not that he'd notice it much, since they weren't at home where she talked kind of a lot, thus rendering it far more effective.  _...and not like I can ever do that very long anyway!_ Either Joel would act sweet so she couldn't stay mad at him, or he'd be indifferent, which was _way_ worse.  Ellie didn't like it when he was upset with her, but she _really_ couldn't stand when he acted like he didn't give a shit what she did.  Which he must have figured out about her, because just a short dose of that and she was falling all over herself apologizing to him.  To his credit, he was always gracious... he could be a dick when he wanted to be, but he really didn't act like that with her.  At least, not anymore. 

His backpack made it difficult to hug him properly now, but she tried to squeeze him as best she could.  "Thank you," she said softly.  What she'd really wanted to say was _"I love you,"_ but that was off limits for the time being; even though people did say it to each other platonically, Joel had forbidden it for the trip -- when Sophie was around, at least.

"For what?"

"...Nothing."  She could've picked any number of things to be thankful for in that moment, but...

"You're welcome."

He couldn't possibly have read her mind, yet Ellie was sure she'd heard a _"Love you, too"_ in his reply.

 

* * *

 

The first time Ellie felt the hairs on the back of her neck prickle in trepidation was later that afternoon:  she heard what was unmistakably a gunshot, followed by two more, coming from the direction they were headed.  _I almost forgot we're not alone out here!_ she thought -- stupidly.

"Um... was that maybe... thunder?" Sophie asked tentatively.

" 'fraid not," Joel answered.  "Sounds a bit far away, though..."

"How far?" both girls asked at once.

"Well... I don' know.  Couple miles maybe?"

"Which is how far?" Ellie pressed.  Joel had taught her about mile markers on the highways, but she still didn't have a good sense of the distance -- in her mind, she measured distance in increments of time.  Still an estimate, as none of them had a timepiece; Joel's broken watch from Sarah didn't count.  "So if we keep going at this same speed... like twenty minutes?  Thirty?"

"If they ain't movin'?  Yeah, maybe somewhere around there."

"So... less if they _are_ moving."

"If they're movin' towards us.  An' I could be wrong about how far off that was.  Ten, twenty, thirty minutes."

There was a big difference between ten minutes and thirty.  _He doesn't know?_ Ellie knew that Joel didn't know _everything_ , but... she still found it disconcerting when he didn't know everything!

"So what do we do?" Sophie asked, guiding Poppy closer to Spirit.  Closer, and a few steps behind.  Neither horse seemed to care about the shots, at least.  They'd apparently heard enough of them around Jackson -- distant ones, at least -- and not found them to be a cause for alarm.

"Nothin'.  We keep goin'.  Ellie, keep the binoculars handy... if we get to one o' them wide open stretches, maybe we'll hang back.  We got plenty of cover in this area so far.  Lots of big rock formations.  An' there's a town or somethin' comin' up -- plenty of cover there."  Joel didn't sound worried.  Ellie never knew how much of that was an act put on for her benefit (and now Sophie's as well); she used to think Joel never got scared of anything, but eventually, when they'd gotten closer, she'd learned that he did sometimes.  That he was not, in fact, superhuman.

Another two shots rang out.

Joel may not have sounded scared, but Sophie sure did.  "You guys can just shoot them, right?  You killed hundreds of people on the way here from back east."

Ellie snorted.  "I don't know about hundreds.  We killed when we _had_ to."  Which... had somehow managed to be almost every time they'd come across other humans out in the open.  Or Infected, of course, but that was a no-brainer.  She and Joel seemed to have this way of pissing off all these groups of people... kill one, and naturally, their clan wants revenge.  Soldiers, other survivors... somehow Ellie and Joel's descriptions would get around, and everyone wanted them dead.  But that was a long time ago, and not in this area.  They had a clean slate now, according to Joel... although Ellie wasn't sure if he was bullshitting on that or not.  "We met some cool people along the way though, too," she added.  _And then they died._

"They're shooting guns.  How cool can they be?" Sophie fretted.

"We have guns too, you know," Ellie pointed out.  "And we're _super_ \--"

"Both of you, shush," said Joel.  "An' stay alert.  Which you should be anyway -- we could come across anyone at any time... people who ain't givin' away their whereabouts by firin' rounds."

Ellie wanted to object.  To tell him she _was_ alert, always... but she knew it would just sound defensively whiny to Joel's stubborn-ass ears, so she kept her mouth shut.  It was a little hard to tell what time it was with all the cloud cover today, but she could tell that it wasn't starting to get dark yet.  That was a plus.  The dark intensified the scariness -- and the danger, too, since it drastically decreased visibility.  They would need to use flashlights, drawing attention to their well-lit selves from anyone who might be lurking in the landscape.  She was glad Joel didn't want to push the horses too hard by traveling at night.

Soon, they passed a different kind of marker on the highway:  a "Welcome to Star Valley Ranch" sign.  Population: 1,490.  Ellie used to marvel at these signs, imagining someone having to go update it every time someone moved in or out, died, or was born.  She wondered how they could possibly keep the number accurate.  But Joel had explained the methods used to determine population and that no, some guy didn't have to go out there and update the sign constantly. 

"Big town," she murmured. _Except right now, it's Population: 0.  We hope._

"Half a million people," Joel replied, citing the former population of Boston, as he was wont to do every time she said something like that (once he knew she _wasn't_ actually being sarcastic, that first time).

"Over six hundred thousand," Ellie corrected him.  She'd looked it up at the library one day, gleeful as always to tell Joel when he was wrong about something, and he'd asked her what year that data came from.  It was some year like 2010 or 2011, and he declared it was outdated -- that it hadn't accounted for the _masses_ of people who had moved away in the following years.  She could tell he was just messing with her, but she had meant to try to find 2012 or 2013 statistics somewhere to throw it in his face anyway.  She'd just never gotten around to it.  _And now it's too late_ , she thought sadly.  _No... we'll go back, someday._ She was surprised to feel sentimental about Jackson already; she'd been pretty eager to leave, not too long ago.  That party the other night, though... _that was so fun!_ If every day could be like that last one, Ellie never would've wanted to leave.

Fifteen hundred... five hundred thousand... they might as well be the same number.  Even Jackson felt big to her, and it was just a little over two hundred – probably less than their QZ had, but she’d mostly been stuck with the same group of idiots there in her school.  _When we go home, I'm going to get Joel to put up one of those signs by one of our gates, with the exact number of people.  Maybe a wooden one, and he can carve some numbers to hang on it, and it will be exact because I'll update it all the time.  For every single soul there.  They all count._ Even her enemies, because she could be professional about such things -- and because she wasn't always sure where to draw that line.  She would've counted Christine as a friend, only three months ago.

Right now, they were only concerned with a handful of people.  Or possibly just one.  Whoever had been firing those shots... they'd stopped, but they were presumably still out there.  Unless it was two parties and they'd all killed each other, which seemed unlikely.  _Maybe we'll come across some freshly-dead bodies with recently-fired weapons... how cheery._

Ellie held the binoculars up to her face almost nonstop after what felt like five minutes had passed, to be on the safe side... but then it felt like she was doing that for another hour.  Finally, it paid off:  she saw something besides evergreens, rocks, and shrubs.  "Joel!  I see them!  Or, someone, anyway!  On the road, so... one o' clock..."

Sophie gasped.  "What do we do?"

Joel was still calm.  "Can you see how many?"

"I see... horses... two... two horses so two people, I think... no one walking with them or anything... er... there's this blurry thing--"

"Let's head up that hill an' let 'em pass.  Quick, before they get close enough to spot us."  Joel gestured to Sophie and started to turn to their left, but Ellie stopped him.

"Wait wait wait!  Um... holy shit, I think-- I think that's Jules and Alaska!"

"Who?"

"Jules and Alaska," she repeated, even though she knew Joel wasn't asking because he hadn't heard her.  _You'd think he would remember unique names like those!_  Sophie was already halfway up the hill, but Joel held Spirit back per Ellie's request.  "They like to go together.  I'll know for sure in a sec... yeah yeah-- see the patch around his left eye?  That's an unusual marking.  Oh yeah, you can't see them real good yet, huh."

"...Jackson horses."

"Yeah!"

"Can you make out the _riders_..."

"Not yet... two guys maybe?... hey wait!  Just gimme another-- _Wait!"_

Joel had just directed Spirit to gallop up the hill, where Sophie had gone.  "We can watch 'em just as easy from up there."

"But obviously they're from Jackson!"

"I'm bein' cautious.  Jus' 'cause they're ridin' those horses don' mean they're our people."

"Well, they _probably_ are."

"I told you, I'm bein' cautious.  Humor me."  He parked Spirit amongst some evergreens... or tried to.  Spirit was pawing at the ground, kind of turning in antsy circles.  Joel guided him back in farther... far enough to be out of sight of the highway.  "Here, gimme those."

But Ellie was already clambering off Spirit to the ground.  Being the eyes was _her_ job, after all!  "I'll hide right over there.  They won't even see me.  Even if they did, who are they more likely to shoot without thinking about it twice: you, or me?" she said cheekily.  It was one of her favorite arguments when the topic arose -- because Joel _couldn't_ argue it.

Joel frowned.  "Jus' come on back if you don' recognize 'em, all right?  They mos' likely ain't gonna come up here."

Ellie nodded and scampered over to crouch behind the bush she'd selected as a good stake-out spot.  Joel was farther back than she was, but they were both pretty well camouflaged amongst the trees; he just didn't like that she was a little closer than he was.  She had to admit, it was the right move not to assume they were friendly.  And neither of them wanted to kill everyone they encountered.  She was sure Joel would have no problem killing assholes, but you couldn't tell that about a person just from looking -- no matter what Joel said to the contrary (though even with that, he seemed to go by his gut more than his eyeballs).  With that scowl he liked to wear, he could quite easily be mistaken for an asshole himself, after all... which did not ease Ellie's mind one bit out here.

There was something familiar about the riders, but the caps they wore cast shadows on their facial features, and she couldn't quite figure out who they reminded her of.  She was already tired of waiting for the slowpokes to come back into view, and close enough to identify.  "Well... I can't see them yet, from here.  If I--"

"Will you jus' wait?  Be patient.  They're comin'."

Ellie noticed he had his rifle ready.  Her own hands were too preoccupied with the binoculars to bother with pulling a gun when it wasn't even necessary.  "I hate waiting," she grumbled -- loudly, so Joel was sure to hear.

But it did feel good to squat there, un-saddle-legged.  It would feel even better if she were dry.  It hadn't rained again, but her jeans would take forever to dry out.  She wondered if Joel would allow her to sleep with him without her pants on... or would that be too tempting?  Like maybe his hand would wander, and it would make him--

_No... bad Ellie!_ she chastised herself on his behalf.  _Don't even think about that now.  Wait and watch..._

When her quarry finally came into view, Ellie trained the binoculars on them, shifting a little so she could see between some of the trees when applicable.  Each horse was tugging a cart, and now she could see that one of them carried two riders.  Oddly, there was also a goat trailing one of the carts.  "Oh!  Hey, it's okay!  It's Peter and Lydia and i-Brian!"  Not y-Bryan, the one who'd just gotten married. 

"Now that you mention it... I think Tommy said the other day that they'd be scavengin' this area this week," Joel mused.

"What?  You knew?  You could've said so!" Ellie snarled at him.

"I didn' remember 'til you said it.  An' we didn' know it was them -- still pays to be cautious, kiddo."

"Whatever -- I'm going down there!"  She abandoned her cover and almost started running down the hill, but thought better of it -- even before Joel tried to call her back -- as she noticed all three of them now had their guns drawn.  _Of course -- they wouldn't be expecting me to be out here, and now they're so close they must've heard something when I yelled to Joel..._ She started waving her arms in surrender instead as she stepped into view.  "Guys!  It's me! ...Ellie!" she added, in case they couldn't recognize her yet.

All three of them relaxed their guns at once, and called out to her with merry greetings.  "Joel's here, too!  And Sophie!" she informed them.  Now she could run down there freely.  She trotted over to the group, slowing as she approached the horses.  She hadn't ridden many of the horses in Jackson (she figured Spirit would get too jealous), but she was friendly with all of them, and they all knew her.  She petted each horse's nose in turn, then smiled at their riders.  "What are you guys doing out here?"

"Was just about to ask you that," said Peter with a chuckle.  He and Lydia were in their sixties, and they still went on these scavenging trips.  Joel referred to the couple as 'sprightly.'  Which made her think of creepy fairies, so she tried not to associate that with them, as it certainly didn't seem to fit.  Anyway, they were more than ten years older than Joel, who was already pretty old (even if Ellie didn't always like to admit it), and she was convinced that in like ten or fifteen years -- which was so far in the future that Ellie would even be kind of old herself! -- Joel would still be active like them.  Nowhere near death's door.

Peter nodded toward the carts.  "All the peaches and plums you can eat, back there.  We're a little late getting out here, with all the deliveries to the new farm and whatnot."

"Luckily there were still a lot of good ones left!" Lydia chimed in.  "Some clothes, too, if you want to shop before they hit the warehouse.  And some other less-interesting stuff -- oh, and we rescued ourselves a goat!"

"Whoa!"  Ellie walked around back to inspect the carts a little closer.  Each one was stacked high with crates, a tarp tied over them.  By now, Joel and Sophie had ridden down to greet the familiar faces as well; hopefully Sophie hadn't heard that bit about the clothes.  Ellie didn't know if Joel knew Lydia, but he must have known Peter and Brian from militia meetings, if nowhere else (even if he didn't remember their names).  "Have you guys eaten yet?  We should have dinner together!" Ellie suggested cheerfully.

"As a matter of fact," said Peter, "we just shot down some big ol' fat pheasants, if you wanna help us eat 'em?"

"Yes!  Awesome!"  That explained the gunfire.  And flame-roasted game for dinner two nights in a row?  _I might get spoiled!_  ...Except it just occurred to her that they were only being polite.  "Er... I mean, that's not cool of us, if we... you guys shot those, so..."

"Oh girl, we definitely have more than enough," said Lydia, whose short gray hair and cap gave her a rather boyish appearance ( _er... mannish?... boys don't have gray hair!_ )... and her facial features weren't the most feminine, either.  "They're huuuuge.  Show her, Brian."

"Seriously, we do -- see?" Brian pointed out two plump birds tied to the saddle, then pivoted Jules to show off a third on the other side.  "It's like twice as much as we need.  Besides, we're only two days away from home."  Home, where they could eat their fill... or at least more than they ate on the road.

"Sounds good -- thanks, you guys!" said Sophie, walking Poppy up alongside them.  "If we can find a cozy little place to cook these... up the hill, maybe?  I'll tell you why the three of us are out here.  I think I saw some houses down a ways..."

"No no no -- we know a good place," said Lydia.  "If you don't mind backtracking slightly.  We stayed there on the way here, and on our last trip, too.  Great location, off the highway a bit.  Tucked into the trees."  She plucked at her husband's arm.  "Hon, how far away would you say 'our house' is?  Two miles?"

"Shoot, it's only... I'd say a mile, mile and a half?  And you're free to stay the night there with us if you want."

"Oh, we're..." Ellie looked around for Joel, and shuffled over to him and Spirit.  She'd been so excited to see people she knew -- and people who acted like they didn't believe the rumors -- that she'd sort of forgotten that maybe Joel wouldn't _want_ to have dinner with them, and that she really shouldn't have just invited the group to form a little dinner party without even so much as a glance his way to gauge his feelings on the matter.  Sophie had agreed to dinner as well, yes, but only after Ellie suggested it.  "Can we eat with them?" Ellie asked him a bit sheepishly.

"Of course."  The question seemed to amuse him, Ellie was glad to note.

"Then can we stay here?  By the time we eat and everything..."

Joel nodded.  "Sure.  We could prob'ly ride another hour or so, but... if there's a nice place in here..."

"You won't find better," Peter assured them.  "It has a _water well_."

"And apple trees," Brian added.

Then they all started rattling off amenities at once.

"A nice pasture--"  "Blackberry bushes--"  "Comfortable mattresses--"  "A stocked spice rack--"  "No broken windows--"  "Dish soap--"  "No spiders--"

"Okay, we're sold," said Joel.  "Would've had me at 'no Infected and/or bandits.' "

'Bandits' was the word Jacksonites favored for what Joel liked to call hunters.  Ellie preferred to call them assholes.  "Let's go, then!" she urged as she climbed up behind Joel again.  She grabbed his arms and shook him a little to convey her excitement.  "Isn't this great?  This trip is _way_ easier than our last one.  I'm so glad we did this."

He chuckled at her enthusiasm.  "Not to rain on your parade, kiddo, but we're jus' gettin' started.  I'm sure it will get rougher."  He took position at the rear of the group.

"It's okay, we can handle it," Ellie said confidently.  Maybe seeing familiar faces didn't mesh with the idea of starting over... going where no one knew them and they didn't have a black shit-cloud hovering over them... but they were still seeing new places together.  It was beautiful out here.  Not so unlike Jackson, except for the winding hills... the way the trees seemed to hug the houses... some of the foliage appeared to be a lighter shade of green to her, too.  _Might just be my imagination..._

"Whatever you say, boss," Joel quipped.

_Boss!  I like that._   "Yep.  We can handle anything as long as we're together!"


	30. Half-Naked Cowboys

Within the hour, the six of them were sitting around a cozy little fire in the backyard, paired up two per bird.  The red clapboard house was nestled on a little hill, a hidden treasure amongst the evergreens... maybe a mile off the highway, and Joel felt they were relatively safe there.  He wasn't even too worried about the horses; the holes in the fence weren't significant, and he and Brian had barricaded the gate with some junky abandoned equipment for extra security (Joel reckoned he might even be able to sleep in a bedroom tonight).  There wasn't an actual pasture as 'advertised,' but the backyard was fairly large, and all the animals were contentedly grazing it -- and enjoying the fresh well water.  The humans were enjoying that, too.  It tasted even better than Jackson's water.

Ellie was talkative... perhaps making up for lost time there, as she’d had to be silent for the majority of the day.  The front door of the house was locked, and the odds of someone happening by and finding a way to climb into this remote yard in the middle of bumfucknowhere were comfortingly poor.  Someone trying to reach them by busting through a window, or somehow plowing through that door, would generate enough noise that Joel would hear it even over the din of happy chatter -- and again, the odds of that happening were slim.  Nevertheless, he kept the shotgun handy, as did Peter; everyone else had left their weapons inside.  Presently, Ellie was asking Peter about his Old World job as a security alarm system technician.  And, predictably, she turned to Joel and asked him if he'd ever had a house alarm, which he had not.  Then, also predictably, she pondered possible applications of such technology in Jackson, generating a discussion on pros and cons.

As much as Ellie could surprise him at times, she did behave according to his expectations more often than not these days.  Or maybe it was just that he was continuing to get to know her better and better.

Joel was mostly quiet, an observer of rather than a contributor to the social atmosphere.  He noticed the way Sophie was acting with Brian as they ate their pheasant.  Brushing her hand against his, nudging him with her shoulder, laughing at shit he said that wasn't all that funny.  He noticed Ellie noticing this as well.  He could see the judgment forming in her eyes.  _Forming?  It was already there... -growing, more like_.  Brian seemed to be enjoying the extra attention.  Joel thought he had a girlfriend in Jackson -- and Ellie's not-so-subtle derisive looks in their direction supported the notion -- but he didn't remember for sure.  He certainly wasn't going to bring that up.

Ellie, however... "So how come Monica didn't come with you guys?" she asked Brian at the next break in conversation, sounding innocent as all hell to probably everyone but Joel.  He kept his expression blank, but mentally, he had to smirk.  It wasn't even a rude or inappropriate question that he could chide her for, either.

"She never comes on these trips," Brian replied, unfazed.  "She hates being outdoors.  Allergies.  And... well, not just that... she doesn't like it in general.  Bugs... weather... everything."

"How could anyone hate being outside?" Ellie mused.  "Especially out in like... nature.  Like this."

"She doesn't ride, either, does she, Bri?" asked Sophie.

Another internal smirk as Ellie quirked an eyebrow at the 'Bri.'  Joel was too amused.

"Nope," Brian confirmed.  "Gotta be outside to do that."

Sophie laughed, and Joel could see Ellie mentally rolling her eyes.  ... _At least she didn't ACTUALLY roll them?_

"Well, she should've come anyway," said Ellie.  "So you guys don't have to be apart so long."

Brian shrugged.  "It's only a few days."

"Not long enough to forget her, then."  Ellie said it lightly, jokingly... but Joel knew it was a jab at Sophie.  Sophie knew it, too, and she tried to exchange some sort of knowing look with Joel, but Joel wasn't going to indulge any of this nonsense.  Ellie noticed the look, and even though Joel had quickly trained his gaze on the bird carcass he was picking at, there was a chance she'd accuse him of taking Sophie's 'side' later anyway.  And, even if he had the opportunity later, there was no guarantee he could vanquish her irritation simply by kissing her -- his usual method, and the most effective, because with Ellie, the physical reassurance always worked better than verbal.  It wasn't that she didn't trust him, Joel thought... it was more like she didn't trust _words._ In general.  ... _Okay, and maybe a LITTLE bit that she doesn't completely trust me.  Because I've lied to her face.  But never about this.  ...at least not since we've been together, anyway._

"They like being apart sometimes," Lydia was saying.  "Gives them more to talk about."

"And time to miss each other," Ellie added.  Pointedly.

Joel cleared his throat.  "Is there a kettle or somethin' we could use to heat up some water to wash with?"  There was a chorus of yeses, and Lydia directed him to the laundry room/utility closet where some extra buckets were stored.  "Ellie, why don' you come with me and grab a bucket?"

"Okay!"  She hopped up immediately, and Joel hoped she realized he wasn't trying to get her alone for any kind of romance; he didn't intend to linger in the closet, and the well was in plain view.  _I probably shouldn't have started doing that in the first place.  Too dangerous.  All it takes is ONE TIME to get caught unawares.  Guess love really does make you foolish..._   But now it would be difficult to stop.  Damn near impossible to do it without either pissing her off or making her worry that there was some other reason behind it.

The laundry room was just off the kitchen, which had wall-to-wall (and nearly floor-to-ceiling) bay windows overlooking their campfire area.  It was dark now, and they probably could've gotten away with a little affection, but he just... didn't feel it was the right time for that.  Thankfully, she followed his lead and didn't try to get frisky in the house.  He shone his flashlight around the small space and found a mop bucket, its unwanted wringer stashed in a corner.

"Oh, that one has wheels!  Can I use that one?"

Joel couldn't imagine that going well.  "No, the wheels ain't gonna work good over the ground an' you'd have to hunch over to pull it by the handle."  Or she could attach the wringer and use a mop or broom or something to steer... still, the thing wasn't designed to traverse the backyard.  He handed her the smaller plastic bucket and picked up the mop bucket himself.  He wasn't sure the flimsy handle would support the weight of the water, but he could carry it by the base on the way back. 

_I should say something about before..._ But he waited until they'd passed their dinner companions, safely out of earshot.  "Ellie..."

"What?" she said, defensive already.  "I didn't do anything!"

"I know.  It ain't that.  But before, the way you started grillin' Brian... what was that all about?"

"Nothing!  I wasn't rude or mean or... whatever.  Did you _see_ the way Sophie was looking at him?  How much you wanna bet she tries to get him to fuck her tonight?"

Joel couldn't help being amused at her outrage.  "So what if she does?  How is it any of your business?"

"I'd feel bad for Monica."

"Didn' know Monica was a friend of yours."

"She's not.  It's the... principle of the thing."

"Maybe Brian wouldn' sleep with Sophie anyhow.  You ever consider that?"

"Oh, I bet he would.  He's a guy.  And she's--"

"Hey now," Joel mock protested.  He didn't mind Ellie bashing his gender, as long as she acknowledged he was an exception -- in this instance, if nothing else.  And, to be fair, he did make comments to her from time to time about the male proclivity for sexual thoughts. 

"You don't count," she informed him in her _"duh"_ tone.

"I _am_ a man."

"I noticed," she snickered.  "Okay, fine, so not _all_ guys."

"All right then.  That means you can't ever be jealous about Sophie actin' any particular way towards me."

"I'm not!"

"Good."  He wasn't going to call her on the lie. 

They approached the well.  "Can I do it?" Ellie asked eagerly.

"Be my guest."  Sometimes she reminded him of a young child, taking pleasure in even the most mundane chores... things that haven't yet lost their appeal and become tedious through massive repetition.  Although Joel could probably count less than ten instances of ever drawing water from a well himself.  He shone the light on it for her.  "Jus' take the--"

"I know I know -- I watched Brian do it!"

He watched her work the pulley.  "Right.  So... Brian an' Sophie.  You gotta let that go.  You can't let other people's... behavior... bother you so much."

"What, be more like you?  Don't care about anything?"

_Pretty much._   "When it's got nothin' to do with you?  Yes.  You don' like it when people stick their noses in _our_ business, do ya?"

He couldn't really see her expression in the darkness, but he would've bet the farm she was giving him a withering look.  "Joel, I was just _making conversation_.  You know... that thing most humans do when they get together in a group?"

"Uh-huh.  That's why you mentioned Monica when you did."

"Well, why shouldn't I?  Fuck, you make it sound like I was getting all preachy or something.  Did you see anyone getting upset?  I didn't."

It had seemed so obvious to Joel that Ellie was indirectly voicing her disapproval, but... maybe it was only obvious to him.  It was true that she hadn't actually said anything that had appeared to make anyone feel awkward.  "As long as _you_ ain’t upset, then."

"Annoyed, maybe, not upset.  You're more upset than I am.  Or maybe you just wanted an excuse to lecture me."

Joel took the rope from her and pulled the well bucket over to empty it into his own.  "That's it -- I'm honin' my dad skills," he said with a snort.  "I'm rusty at this."

"Ha!  Yeah right!  You can't go one day without acting like a dad."  She yanked the bucket back from him for another go.  "Every time you tell me what to do.  Which is at _least_ once a day.  Usually _tons_ of times a day."

_She does like to exaggerate_.  "Yeah?  So... whenever you tell _me_ what to do, you're tryin' to be my mom?"

"Nooooo!" she giggled.  "No, that's just... um... I'm bossy."

Joel was tempted to switch the light off and hug her... from behind, so even if anyone decided to shine a light their way, it might just look like he was helping her with the bucket... but it wouldn't _really_ , so he didn't dare.  He also wanted to play with the strands of hair that had fallen loose from the underside of her higher-than-usual ponytail, framing her neck invitingly.  _Nope, gotta behave._   _Don't want to burn bridges in Jackson... and our time will come soon enough_.  "You're adorable," he told her softly.  "That's what you are."

"And bossy."

"If you say so."

Later that night, when it was time to go to sleep, everyone paired off in the bedrooms in the same formation as they had with the pheasants.  Peter and Lydia took the master, Brian and Sophie the one next to theirs, and Joel and Ellie were down the hall, with the buffer of an empty bedroom in between them and the next 'couple.'  Ellie had actually wanted to take the third floor, which was basically one large room enclosed by windows... _at least she doesn't have a hang-up about windows?_... but Joel didn't want to be that far away from everyone.  It was unlikely anyone would bother to break in, but not _impossible_ , and he couldn't in good conscience leave Sophie so much closer to the line of fire.  Brian or no Brian.

In spite of the promise of comfortable mattresses, they had opted for the bedless bedroom, since the other room only had one bed.  Ellie had quite loudly pretended that a spider had crawled over her arm the second she laid down on it... a spider which, of course, no one could find when they searched the room... but there were cobwebs in the corners to support her claim.  Even though they didn't see any spiders, Ellie couldn't _possibly_ get any sleep in there, with that on her mind.  Joel was starting to think maybe they should've stayed in Jackson so that Ellie could perform in the play and knock everyone's socks off.  The bedless room had cobwebs, too, all of which indicated to Ellie that their 'hosts' had lied about there not being any spiders here, but Joel reckoned there were as many or more abandoned cobwebs as there were abandoned houses.

"Why aren't they sleeping in separate rooms?!" Ellie hissed as she helped Joel spread their blanket on the floor.  She could only help one-handed, because the other hand was occupied with holding up the sweatpants -- pants lacking a drawstring, no less -- that she'd borrowed from Joel.

"Maybe they would've if you hadn' scared everyone away from the spider room."

"That was _after_ they started getting cozy in the other room!" she protested.  Now she was trying to tuck a wad of the pants into her underwear to get them to stay up unassisted.

"Didn' we jus' talk about this?  It's none of your business."  And, thanks to Ellie's theatrics, Sophie had made Brian practically turn her bed inside out, checking for creepy-crawlies.  When Sophie did it, she was _"acting like a total girl,"_ but when Ellie did it -- well, that didn't count, because it was _"faked for a good reason."_   Each of them had their own drama queen qualities, the way Joel saw it.  "Anyhow, she's in the bed, he's on the floor.  An' their door is open, jus' like ours."

"So?  Maybe they'll just wait until everyone goes to sleep. ...Maybe _we_ should do that," she added in a giggly whisper.

"No," Joel said firmly.

"Man, you're no fun."

"That's right.  You remember that."  But he pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.

If they _were_ going to get up to any hanky-panky, tonight would be an ideal night for it, since they were clean and safe -- two things that likely wouldn't happen simultaneously very often on this trip (Ellie had declared that she didn't care about his cleanliness, but when Joel said he wasn't going to 'play' with her with dirty fingers and risk her getting a nasty, painful infection, she'd blanched a little at the thought).  They had brought soap, so he could use some of their drinking water to wash his hands at any time, but... there would be plenty of time for that stuff later -- his new mantra (or, not so new, from Ellie's perspective, as she had never seen any reason to postpone doing ~normal things~ that any other couple might do).  They had the comfort of being close to each other in sharing their sleeping space, and that was enough.

"We could at least close our door," Ellie grumbled.  She continued before Joel could respond.  "I know, I know -- you can't _hear_ as good then.  Because someone could _possibly_ break in here in the middle of the night."  She lowered her voice.  "And the real reason -- you don't want anyone to think that we closed the door to... be naughty."

That wasn't the so-called _real_ reason, but was it a bonus?  Sure.  Peter had actually taken him aside earlier and started to tell him they didn't believe what people were saying.  Joel had cut him off before it got too awkward, simply thanking him and stating that there was no need to discuss it.  Joel could determine who believed it, who didn't, and who was on the fence, all without having that conversation.

No one seemed to find it unusual that they were sharing a room... maybe because of the spider thing, or maybe they just wouldn't have thought that anyway.  The rules of the Outside _were_ different from the Inside.  _But not on EVERYTHING..._ He didn't announce that they were also sharing a 'bed;' if Sophie wanted to say as much to Brian, and Brian wanted to tell people back home, so be it.  Sophie hadn't even seemed to have an opinion about it herself last night, which had surprised Joel a bit.

He settled into their makeshift bed and held his arms out for Ellie, who just stood there.  The flashlight beside him wasn't shining on her face, so it was a bit difficult to see her expression, but he was pretty sure she was frowning.  "C'mon, kiddo.  What's wrong?"

"You shouldn't have to wear your jeans just cuz mine are still damp.  It's not _your_ fault that I--"

"I told you -- it's fine."  They would both get used to sleeping in their jeans again before too long; Joel didn't anticipate finding very many places as sound as this one to pass the nights.

"No it's not.  Here--" She let the pants drop to the floor.

"Your legs are gonna get cold."  He lowered his arms.  "Put 'em back on."

"You'll keep me warm," she cooed as she stepped out of the pants.  She liked to say that, but Joel didn't do the job as well as clothing did.

"No, Ellie, these blankets are real flimsy."

"I said _you'll_ keep me warm.  Here!"  She lifted the top blanket to lay down beside him, and handed him the pants.

They were relatively safe enough here that he could probably just wear his boxers (and unlike Ellie, he usually didn't get cold if they had a blanket), but he balked at the idea nonetheless.  He kept his shirt on as well.  Cozy or not, they were still Outside.  And pragmatically sharing blankets with a teenage girl might not alarm anyone, but if he was nearly _naked_ while doing so... Joel sat up and pulled the blanket off of both of them with a flourish.  He started to put the pants on -- on her, not himself.

"Hey!" she protested with a giggle, kicking at him... making it as difficult as possible for him to dress her -- not unlike a baby resisting a diaper change.  "This is backwards, you're supposed to be _un_ \--"

"Keep your voice down," he warned.  _Keep thinking of her as a baby... yes..._ It was a decent-sized house, and he could only hear a distant hum of voices down the hall, but he didn't know how much their voices might carry, especially Ellie's when she forgot to be quiet.  He played with her a little, letting her squirm and kick a bit more before finally immobilizing her, dragging her butt down towards him so he could hold both legs together against his shoulder as his other hand worked the pants over her feet.  He tried not to look at her groin area... tried not to notice the dark curls peeping through the small holes in her panties... _why didn't I turn the flashlight off first? ...or shine it AWAY from the 'bed'..._ His will power alone wasn't enough; he supplemented it by imagining any one of their four traveling companions appearing in the doorway, wondering what in the everliving fuck he was doing to this little girl.

Without further resistance, she let him pull the pants up -- or down, from a directional standpoint -- letting one leg fall to each side of him, lifting her butt helpfully when he got that far.  The way she was looking at him now, the playfulness gone... _Shit..._ he eased down on top of her and her legs automatically curled around him, her arms around his neck... he kissed her softly.  One little kiss.  He was going to just roll off of her right away, but she pulled his mouth back to hers, parting her lips invitingly, and then somehow his tongue was in her mouth.  He felt the familiar stirring down below as Ellie pressed her body against his, threatening to make him forget himself.  Again.  His hand slid inside her pants for just a second when he finally came to his senses. _Damnit, Joel, ARE you an eighteen-year-old boy?_

He rolled off of her with a soft groan.  "Good night, baby girl," he said, rather loudly.  He reached over and switched off the flashlight on the floor.

"Good night," she parroted, pulling the thin blanket over them and laying her head on his chest.  She sighed contentedly.  Like all she'd really wanted was to make him lose just a little bit of control.  "I love you," she whispered.

"Love you, too.  Even if you do drive me crazy."  He began stroking her hair, completely un-ponytailed now, as he would continue to do until she fell asleep.

" _Because_ I drive you crazy, you mean.  Which is good cuz that's my favorite-- er, _one_ of my favorite things to do, ever," she added with a quiet little giggle.

"Get some sleep now."  He strained his ears to try to determine if anyone might have heard any of their... playing.  But Peter and Lydia's door was closed, and Sophie's laughter might not have been all that loud, but it was louder than any little sounds he and Ellie may have made.  Joel didn't give two shits what she and Brian did or didn't do over there.  Maybe he should, on 'principle' like Ellie had said, but he didn't know the guy well, and he didn't know Monica at all, and he just plain didn't _care_.  The main thing he hoped would come from the whole thing was for Ellie to realize that Sophie liked to flirt -- that it wasn't as if any flirtatious behavior on her part stemmed from genuine interest in Joel personally.

"I don't think I'm tired enough yet," Ellie sighed.

"Mm.  Too bad, 'cause I sure am."

She ignored that.  "Do you think Sophie's sleeping naked?"

"...No.  I don't."

"Oh -- good -- um, yeah, don't think about that.  Do you think Brian is?"

"No."

"What about half naked?  Either of them."

"No, I'm sure they both have plenty of clothes on.  What's it to you?"

"Nothing.  So... if Sophie just decided that, _whoops!_ she was gonna roll off the bed... And Brian's just like... right there..."

"Ellie, if you wanna fantasize about them havin' sex, would you jus'--"

"I don't!" she gasped indignantly.

"Well then why--"

"Never mind, I'll shut up now!  Keep doing my hair.  Please."

He obliged -- he hadn't even realized he'd stopped -- and she was quiet for maybe two minutes.

"Joel, I was thinking..."

Joel sighed.  "Dare I ask?"

"Shut up.  So... like... you know how I was worried about... you know."

"You worry about a lot of shit -- you gotta be more specific."

"Haha," she said sarcastically.  "About us... when we... that maybe it wouldn't... _go in."_

_Oh.  THAT._  "I remember.  I don' think now is the right--"

"No but I had an awesome idea!  I know how to fix that."

"You do, huh?"  _This oughta be good..._

"Yeah!  So, when we're going to do that..." She was already speaking very softly, but now she started to whisper.  "You can put it in _before."_

"...before what?"

"Before... when it's still, like... floppy."

"When it's... what?  Like halfway?"  He was whispering now, too.  It helped him hide his amusement.

"Before that, even.  Then I'll kiss you and... push, like... so you can just get bigger when you're already in there.  'Cause I know that... you know.  The hole is big enough, on the inside.  It's just the getting-it-in part.  The opening's too small.  But not for fingers, so if you were just a little smaller... see?  Isn't it brilliant?"

'Brilliant' was not the word that came to mind.  _Adorable as fuck_ , if he could condense that into one word, was more... well, _fitting_.  He wouldn't share that pun with Ellie just now, though.  _She's serious, too!  Don't laugh, Joel, DON'T FUCKING LAUGH..._ "Uh... how do you propose I get it in there if it ain't hard?"

"Duh, that's the whole point!  Just put it in soft and... let it grow."

"...you didn' answer my question."

"Yes I did!  What do you mean?  You just... like you do with your fingers.  But with your dick," she added with a little whisper-giggle.  "You can use your hands to push it in if you have to."

"I see."  Joel had to congratulate himself for not laughing.  _I ain't out of the woods yet, though... oh, hell, I can't resist--_ "Hmm.  One problem with that."

"What?  No, it's perfect!  What problem?"

_It's a good thing she can't see my face..._ "What if... it jus' keeps growin' an' growin'... an' it gets sooo big it gets stuck up there so bad that I can't even move?"  He tried to inject some genuine-sounding concern into his whispers, although he was sure she'd just laugh it off...

"What do you mean, _gets stuck up there_?  You said-- you said it would fit!"

_She ain't laughing -- ha!_   "The normal way, sure.  If it gets too big, it jus' won' go in -- like you said.  Now, I don' see that happenin', but you seemed pretty convinced, an' you're the expert, so maybe I'm wrong.  If it's already _in_ there, an' gets too big..." He stopped himself from adding a little joke about possibly rupturing something... that would be going too far, given that she already had some real fears here.  _She must know I'm messing with her now... I called her an expert..._

Ellie was undeterred.  "Well, then... either you finish, or it goes away like magic, like it does after our _nature_ breaks.  And then it'll slide right back out.  Right?  Yeah.  Yeah, see, not a problem."

He _almost_ laughed that time, but disguised it as a deep breath that he was exhaling.  "All right.  So... one problem with _that_."

"Joel!  Why can't you just admit this is genius?"

"Well, Miss Genius, did you forget that I can't actually finish on the inside?"

"Of course you-- ohhhhhhh!  Oh, fuck, I forgot about that.  So-- well, that prob'ly won't happen, right?  You'll prob'ly be able to pull out still."

"Prob'ly?  You wanna risk that?"

"I really don't think that would be a problem, so yeah."

"So, it don' have to be soft when I pull out.  Goin' out don' worry you none."

"Nope!  Cuz you're already-- that's fine.  So what do you think?  Am I a good problem-solver or what?"

And now Joel found he didn't want to burst her bubble.  "I think... you're cute."

"Cute?!  Noooooo... I'm smart!"

"And smart.  Yes.  We'll try it your way if that'll make you feel better, baby girl."  _If it makes you stop worrying about this, you can just go right on believing it 'til it's time._   He gave her a big squeeze and kissed her forehead.  "Let's go to sleep now, all right?"  He didn't hear any sounds from down the hall anymore, and he wanted to take advantage of the chance to get some quality shut-eye tonight.  He was still in the process of adjusting his body and mind to the sleep-deprivation of being on the road.

"Okay okay.  Good night again!"

"G'night, baby girl."

"I love you.  A lot."

"Love you, too."

"And you're my favorite person ever."

"...Ellie..."

"Yeah okay I'm done.  'Night!"

Not that he didn't love it when Ellie was sweet... but all he wanted to do was drift off, snuggled up tight with his baby girl.

 

**Day 3**

Joel, Ellie, and Sophie were the first to set out the next day, after the six of them shared a pleasant, albeit a bit subdued, oatmeal breakfast.  Ellie remarked to Joel that Brian and Sophie seemed to be conspiring about something, as she noticed them 'having secret conversations' on two occasions, and once, Brian handed her something that she hurriedly put in her backpack.  Unfortunately, Ellie couldn't make out what it was.  Joel accused her of either being paranoid or having an overactive imagination.  At least Ellie didn't confront Sophie about it.  Joel hoped that was because she'd decided to heed his continued plea for 'no drama,' but she may have simply just not felt like it.

They found out what the mystery was about soon enough -- when they broke for lunch.  Or what passed for lunch.  At least they could supplement the rations with fresh fruit now.  He and Ellie sat on the nice flat rock Ellie had picked out and started dividing up the food while Sophie dawdled, rooting through her pack for something.  "Sophie!  Come on!" he called to her.

She had an impish smile on her face as she approached them with both hands behind her back.  "Um... should we be scared?" Ellie joked.

"I have a surprise for you guys!" she declared, pulling one hand out from behind her back.  "Ta-da!"

She was holding a plastic jar of something.  Joel squinted at it.  "P... B?" he tried to make out the faded label.

"PB2!" she said cheerfully.  "Brian gave it to me.  He said Monica can get him another one when he gets home and he figured we could use it more than him.  It's only about half full, but it should last us a while!"

Joel could tell that Ellie had no idea what it was either.  "What do we do with it?" he asked.

"Mix it with water, of course."  Sophie gave him an incredulous look.  "Have you never had it before?  Either of you?!"

"I've never even heard of it," said Ellie.  "What the fuck _is_ it?"

"Oh!  You guys are gonna love it!"  She sat on the rock beside Ellie (it didn't escape Joel's notice that whenever Ellie chose their picnic spot, she made it virtually impossible for Sophie and Joel to sit next to each other) with the little canister, a plastic bowl-like container, her thermos, and her spoon.  "Watch this.  See, you take some of the powder... put just a little bit of water... the thing says how much but I just kinda guesstimate -- this label's all warped anyways -- and you mix it up... eep, too much water, I'm gonna add a little more powder... see how it makes this nice paste?  Gotta make enough for all three of us..."

Ellie watched her with undisguised skepticism.  "Maybe you should see if we like it first.  It looks like diarrhea or something."

"That's a wonderful observation to make when we're about to eat," Joel teased her.  He looked at Sophie.  "It's all right, she'll eat it.  She eats everythin'."

"That doesn't mean I _like_ everything," Ellie said, pouting a little.

Joel wished he could kiss her, the way he usually did when she pouted like that.  "That's right.  She jus' believes in not wastin' food."

"I'm not sure that shit qualifies as food, though."  Ellie scrunched up her face dubiously.

"Gimme your bread," Sophie ordered before snatching it from Ellie herself.  She started smearing the paste on the slice of bread as best she could with the back of the spoon.  "Trust me.  I'm going to be your BFF after this.  You're going to love it, Ellie, seriously.  If you don't, I'll trade my boring old plain slice for yours, 'kay?"

When she handed it to Ellie and did the 'gimme' fingers for Joel's, he handed over his slice without protest.  Ellie examined hers warily, looking to Joel for... something.  She looked so cute that now he wanted to lean over and kiss her nose.  Instead, he smiled encouragingly.  "Go on, try it.  I think I know what it is now, actually."

She took a nibble, chewed it thoughtfully, and quickly took a larger bite.  Joel could tell she liked it before she even uttered, "Mmmm!"

Joel leaned over and stole a bite of her bread.  It was indeed what he'd suspected.  "It's fake peanut butter, yeah?"

"Fake?" Sophie answered.  "Powdered.  I guess fake, yeah, if you're thinking about what we ate as kids.  I swear this tastes the same!"

"It ain't the same," said Joel, "but after so many years, I reckon it might seem that way."

"I had this when _I_ was a kid!" Ellie exclaimed.  "I just had no idea it was a powder... thing.  And kind of forgot all about it."

"Good stuff, huh?"  Sophie handed Joel's slice back to him and started fixing her own.  "The difference is mostly the texture.  It's not as thick.  Or creamy.  But it also doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth as bad."

It wasn't as sweet, either, and Joel thought it had an odd, chemical-like taste.  He couldn't help wondering how safe it was for consumption, even though Brian and company had been eating it.  Small doses probably wouldn't hurt.  "Is this twenty years old, or what?" 

"No, Jackson was getting it new.  Or like... not brand new, but maybe only four or five years old?"

It was better than eating plain bread, he supposed, but only just.  Joel had taken maybe three bites when he noticed that Ellie had made quick work of her slice and was now staring down his bread with the pitifully sad eyes of a dog begging for scraps.  "Joel, you do owe me a bite, you know..."

"You ate that too fast," he chided her, chewing with exaggeratedly slow movements now.

"I'll trade you my jerky?" she pleaded.

Joel handed her the coveted slice of bread.  "You can have it for free.  But eat slower.  The horses are restin'... we ain't in a huge rush."

"You want another piece?" Sophie offered.

"No," Joel answered, even though it was Ellie she was asking.  "Let's ration that with everythin' else, all right?  And... thank you.  She obviously likes it."

"Thnk yy!" Ellie echoed with her mouth full.

 

* * *

 

Dinnertime wasn't going to be nearly as fun.  They'd been riding for hours (save the couple minutes they'd stopped to don their rain ponchos, because Joel hadn't liked the look of the sky), and the rain had been coming down relentlessly for at least the past hour or two.  Not always pouring, but it was steady, never slowing even to a drizzle.  He kept thinking, _it HAS to let up soon..._ and then it would keep on _not_ letting up.  They had to go even slower than usual due to the mud; they'd be pretty much screwed if one of the horses hurt themselves.  Thankfully, the rain was not accompanied by thunder and lightning, which would undoubtedly spook them.

Joel felt cold -- and if _he_ felt cold, Ellie must be _freezing_.  As a general rule, he didn't like to stop to wait out a little rain storm, but this was ridiculous enough that now he told the girls to keep an eye out for shelter.  Any sort of building.  It was another twenty or thirty minutes of plodding before they came across anything.

"That looks -- like a b-barn -- over there!" Ellie exclaimed loud enough for both him and Sophie to hear over the rain, her teeth chattering.

There was a farmhouse as well, but the barn was closer and would be nicer for the horses.  "Looks like!  Let's go!" Joel yelled back.

The horses picked up the pace unprompted as they headed towards the structure.  Joel swung off of Spirit and wrenched the doors open -- he'd wanted to take the first look inside, but the horses were already headed in.  It was rather dark in there, as all of the windows were boarded up save for the large transom window -- and the natural light filtering through that was gray and dreary.  He switched on his flashlight and quickly confirmed they were alone.

Alone with some ramshackle equipment, crates and sacks of God-knows-what, and bales of hay -- or was it straw? -- which the horses quickly set to work on.  Joel closed the doors snugly and the three of them stripped off their ponchos and gear.  The barn seemed... well, _clean_.  It didn't have a strong farm-y smell to it, but it didn't reek of abandonment, either.  Joel felt uneasy... but it was probably as decent a place as any to wait out the storm.  _The girls probably won't want to leave, as we're getting into late afternoon/early evening now... tough shit.  We ain't spending the night here_.  "How 'bout we jus' sit over there an' warm up for a while," Joel suggested, pointing to some bales of straw in one corner, opposite the row of stalls, a healthy distance back from the door.  He kept a holster on, just in case.

Ellie untied the pouch with the thickest of the blankets in it and hurried over to join him.  She snuggled up to Joel's side and draped the blanket over them both.

Sophie took off her hat, wrung out her hair (she hadn't bothered braiding it today), then followed Ellie tentatively.  "I'll just, um..."

"You too," Ellie beckoned her over, which surprised Joel a little... but then, she did have a big heart.  And he reckoned the PB2 had scored Sophie a few points with her.

Sophie gratefully joined them -- and she sat next to Ellie, when she could just as easily have sat next to Joel this time.  _Ellie's got her trained real good already_ , Joel thought with amusement.

"S-squeeze in closer," Ellie told her as she tried to get the blanket across all three of them.  As soon as Sophie's hand touched her, Ellie squealed, "Omigod you're f-freezing!"

Sophie chuckled.  "Kinda, yeah.  Sorry?"

"Joel's like a furnace," Ellie told her.  "You should go sit on his other side.  Seriously -- I'm warmer already and it's only been ten seconds."

Joel's jaw nearly dropped at that one.  _Exactly how much DOES she like that pretend peanut butter, anyway?_

"What?" Ellie said innocently when she saw his expression.  "And if I stick my legs up here on yours... and we put the blanket like this... wait, Joel, take this off, it's not very comfortable!"

Joel obligingly deposited the rest of his gear at his feet and pulled Ellie snug to his side.  He gingerly put his arm around Sophie, who did seem cold to him, although not as cold as Ellie.  He let Sophie lean into him, keeping his arm loosely draped and not doing anything that could be misconstrued as... well, snuggling.  Just because it was Ellie's idea didn't mean she wouldn't find some way to give him shit for something nitpicky later.  The blanket was big enough for all three of them, with Ellie nearly in his lap.  He rested his head on top of hers.

With the flashlight off, their eyes had to adjust to the dark hues of their surroundings.  Everyone was quiet for a few moments.

"Should we take a nap?" Sophie whispered.

"Can I just ask you something?" Ellie answered.

_Here we go..._ but maybe it would be something innocuous...

"Me?  Sure!" Sophie chirped.

"Um, so like... with Brian..."

"Ellie," Joel interrupted, "I really don' think--"

"No, let her ask," said Sophie.  "It's okay.  What're you thinking, sweetie?"

"Welllllll... I thought him and Monica were... you know.  A thing?"

"They are.  Nothing happened last night.  ...Has that been bothering you this whole time?"

"No," Ellie answered quickly (although Joel had to wonder if she'd been stewing about it all day, too).

"They've been together a while," Sophie continued.  "And I think Brian might be... like... a little bored with her?  But I wasn't trying to... I'm not as... _bad..._ as you think.  Anyway, he was on the floor and I was on the bed so it was... just... _so_ nothing.  Like you and Joel sleeping together.  Except not even, 'cause we weren't anywhere near each other.  It was fun in like a... slumber party sort of way?"

"Ellie's never had a slumber party," said Joel.  "It's when a bunch of girls--"

"I know what they are," Ellie said exasperatedly.

"From where?" he wondered aloud.

"I dunno... around?  Movies?  Books?  And I _could_ 've had one, for all you know."

"You said you didn' really have parties, period.  An' not a lot of friends," Joel pointed out, not unkindly.

"Aww -- but she's got tons now," Sophie put in.  "You'n'me are BFFs now, right, Ellie?"

_Suuuuuure you are..._

"...for now, fine.  For the trip.  But not for reals.  You can be my... BFFN.  Yeah!  Yeah, that's perfect.  Best Friend For Now," she spelled out for them.  "Annie's still my BFF."

"And Joel, of course," Sophie added.

"Joel?  Ha!" Ellie snickered.  "No, Joel is my... he's my Joel.  Which, I have to say, is a step up from BFF, cuz no one else can be it.  But whatever, don't change the subject!  So, nothing happened... he didn't try to do anything?"

"Oh God no.  He's a good boy."

"...meaning... if he had, you would have...?"

Joel sighed.  "Ellie, that's really none--"

But Sophie laughed.  "It's okay!  Um... I'd like to say that no, I wouldn't have?  But he's kind of hot, I guess, and... I don't know."

"Yeah, you would have."

"Ellie!" Joel chided her again, even though Sophie didn't seem to be taking any offense.

"She's probably right, though," said Sophie, unabashed.  "I'm kind of a sucker for... I mean, he's not even my type, but..."

"What's your type?" Ellie asked. 

Of course she did.

"Wellllllll..." Sophie didn't seem to have a stock answer ready for that.

_Please don't say anything that sounds like ME_ , Joel pleaded with her silently.  She certainly seemed to want to stay on Ellie's good side, so maybe she was weighing her words to that end.

"You saw the cover of the book I packed, right?  That's my type," she finally answered.  Joel hadn't seen it, so he wasn't sure if the answer was good or bad on the Ellie scale.

Ellie snorted.  "Half-naked cowboys?  So that explains--"

"Ladies, can you discuss this shit some other time?" Joel interjected again.  "I'd rather not--"

Just then, the barn doors burst open.  Joel's immediate assumption was that he hadn't closed them securely enough and the storm had flung them back, but that notion died a second later.

Silhouetted in the doorway was the figure of a man... a man who very much appeared to be aiming a rifle in their direction.


	31. Dead or Alive

The roar of the rain and wind had prevented them from hearing the man approach (and their conversation hadn't helped matters, either).  Even Joel with his bat-like hearing hadn't heard him. _Fuck!  Why did I make him take off his guns?_ Ellie cursed herself.  _But his holster's on the ground right there by his feet... maybe I can just..._

"Where you at, you goddamned shit stains?!" came the voice from the door.  An angry-old-man type of voice.

_Oh!  He can't even see us yet!_   Ellie started to slide down to the ground, under the cover of the blanket.  At first, Joel's fingers tightened their grip on her shoulder, but then they loosened; either he realized what she was trying to do, or he didn't mind her being hidden under the blanket.

"Freeze!  Freeze or I'll start shootin'!  Goddamned crooks... you got two horses already, I saw you bring 'em in here... I said _freeze!"_ He was still kind of far away from them...

Joel nudged her with his leg.  "Easy... we don' mean no harm, sir," she heard him say in that _yes ma'am,_ placating tone he reserved for shmoozing.  "Jus' tryin' to get outta the storm."

Ellie couldn't see under the blanket -- even when her eyes adjusted, she might not be able to see -- but she'd grabbed hold of one of the guns.  She tried to cock it quietly, hoping the man's hearing wasn't good enough to--

"Who's under there?" the angry voice bellowed.  "Show yourselves -- hands up!  All of ya!"

Ellie was reluctant to let go of the gun.  _So, he can see there's a blanket... can he see us now?  Maybe if I turn the light on and blind him... except Joel didn't drop it down here -- fuck!  It's probably on that straw thing behind him._

Then she heard Sophie's trembling voice.  "Please... you're scaring our little girl..."

_OUR LITTLE GIRL?!?!_  Ellie felt like turning the gun on Sophie -- for one mad split-second.  Except it was so obvious what the woman was trying to do, and maybe it would work...

"Move that blanket!" the guy barked at them.

She felt the blanket slowly falling away from her, by Joel's hand.  _Should I hide the gun... or just shoot him now?_

"Ellie, _don't_ ," Joel said softly.  Once more, it seemed like he'd just read her mind.  He raised his voice.  "He don' really want to hurt us... you live here, sir?"

"Not in this here barn, no.  I live in the house.  But this is my property, and you're trespassin'."

"My apologies."  Joel could actually be quite charming when he wanted to be; Ellie just couldn't understand why he didn't want her to _shoot_ the cocksucker while she had the chance.  "We thought it was deserted.  We'd been ridin' a long time in this rain..."

"Hands up, little girl!  Off of that weapon!"  The dude was pointing the gun at her now.

Ellie glanced up at Joel.  "It's okay," he said to her.  She laid the gun -- El Diablo, she could see now -- in her lap, and slowly lifted her hands.

And the man did lower his gun as soon as she did that... apparently he could see better now in the eerie, blueish natural light.  He seemed to be distracted by the two horses, who weren't paying him much mind at all.  "These are some fine horses.  I had me a horse once, too.  Before you _stole_ it."

"We didn't steal it!" Ellie protested.

"Your kind," the guy amended.  "Hobos.  Bums."

"Survivors, you mean," Ellie muttered.  "Fucking asshole."

She was sure he hadn't heard that -- not that she would've cared if he had -- as the door was still open and the rain was sort of loud over there... and he wasn't all that close to them.  The man was now inspecting their weapons.  "What is... holy shit, is that a flamethrower?  I haven't seen one o' them since-- keep your hands up!"  The rifle was pointed in their direction again, and once more, Ellie set the gun down within easy reach before lifting her arms.  She didn't see how Joel could know for sure that the old man wouldn't shoot them; to Ellie, a dude angrily pointing a gun in their faces meant there was a good possibility they'd get shot.  And she was the only one of the three of them that had the means to _do_ anything about it.

"Look," Joel said calmly, "We don' want any trouble.  We're jus' tryin' to... I'm tryin' to get my family out west.  Find my brother.  That's all.  I was lookin' for shelter, didn' realize this place was occupied... if it's all the same to you, we'll be outta your hair and on our way now."

And again the man lowered his gun.  "That thing work?"

"Uh..."

"The flamethrower."

"Yep."

"You use it against Infected?"

"Sure do."

"Lights 'em up like _vavoom!_ , does it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

_Jesus, Joel, why don't you just tell the guy to go ahead and try it out on us?!_   "You can't have it," Ellie interjected, too annoyed to hold her tongue.  "It's ours."

The guy laughed, which did nothing to lessen her irritation.  "How old are you, missy?"

"She's thirteen," Joel said before Ellie could reply.

"Thirteen," the guy said thoughtfully.  "That's a helluva age."

"She's kind of a handful," Sophie put in... like she was agreeing with the guy, even though that wasn't exactly what he'd said.  "You got any kids?"

"I did.  I used to, yeah.  Haven't seen 'em in twenty years.  The wife, neither."

_Maybe if you weren't such a DICK_ , Ellie thought sourly.  She fingered the trigger of El Diablo, still in her lap...

"That's a rough deal," Joel was saying.  "I'm sorry."

"Bah.  They were... -you know, you shouldn't let her play with guns.  You're lucky she hasn't killed you.  Girlie, you better hand that on up to your dad."

'Play with guns' -- like she was a fucking four-year-old or something.  She thought with grim satisfaction that the guy was hardly safer with the gun in Joel's hands, and she had to bite back a smirk as she handed the gun up to Joel, who scooted forward a bit as he took it -- his legs were like walls now, on either side of her.  Ellie suddenly grew hopeful that his whole shmoozing routine was just a means of buttering the guy up before blowing his brains out.  _I won't even be annoyed that he didn't trust me to do it!  Or maybe... is he getting ready to spring over me?  No way does he actually TRUST this dickhead..._

She didn't see what Joel did with the gun, but the old man wasn't dead yet, so Joel must actually _not_ want to kill him.

"I could use a horse more than a flamethrower," the guy mused.

"What?!" Ellie shrieked.  "No way.  You know, you're lucky that--"

"Shush -- it's all right," Joel talked over her.  "Sir, I'd like to help you out, but we can't ride three on one, 'specially with all our gear.  We'd best just be--"

"Oh, hell, I can't let you leave."

_What the FUCK!_  "Dude, even if you shoot us--"

"I'm not gonna shoot ya.  But it's pourin' out there, an' the three of you must be wet as drowned rats already."  They _were_ a bit wetter than Ellie would have expected, considering they had the help of the rain ponchos, but apparently those worked better in lighter rains with less wind -- and when not on horseback.  Still, she and Joel had been far wetter than this in the past.  The old man was nodding to himself as he spoke.  "You can dry out in here and go when... actually, might be better if you spent the night.  It's fixin' to get dark soon, and you won't find another house 'round here for miles."

Ellie craned her neck and looked up at Joel with a what-the-fuck-is-this-guy's-deal expression.  She knew it wasn't close to sundown yet, either, even if the storm made it kind of hard to tell.

"I... think we'd best get goin'," Joel said.

"Stay!  Stay and I'll make you some nice hot tea."

_First he wants to shoot us, now he wants to serve us refreshments?!_   She'd had tea before, though, and it wasn't bad.  Best of all, it was _warm_.  But she wasn't sure she wanted to accept anything from this asshole.

"Joel, we could stay a little while, right?" asked Sophie.  "Ellie?  You wanna stay?"

_Guess she's not scared anymore_.  "Well, _Mom_ ," Ellie said brattily, "which do you think is worse: dying from a gunshot, or from poisoned tea?"

"Ha!  Ellie, is it?"  The guy rested his rifle on the ground and leaned on it.  "It's a shame you're so cynical at thirteen.  But that's good... that's good.  Thinkin' that way will keep you alive.  You can't trust anyone in this world.  No one but yourself."

"And us," Sophie added.  The good little mother.

"Maybe," the old man said, "but that ain't always true neither.  Not when... well, you just remember how lucky you are, missy, to have two parents."

_I have NO parents!_ she felt like screaming.  But all the same, she knew she was lucky to have Joel.  She smiled at the man with fake sweetness.  "I know.  My dad would _kill_ anyone who tried to hurt me," she said pointedly.

"Yep... lucky.  You kids just wait here and I'll come bring you the tea."

Joel didn't shoot the guy when he turned away, either.  _This is so fucking ass-backwards!_   Ellie was supposed to be the one pleading some hapless person's case with a very mistrustful Joel.  _I'm going to have to lecture him about how trusting people can get you in trouble!_   "Did he just call you a kid?" Ellie was amused by that, at least.  She clambered back up next to Joel.

"Dude's prob'ly at least seventy years old, maybe eighty," Joel guessed.  "Everyone's a kid to him."

"Doesn't seem like he wants to kill us, at least," said Sophie.

"I guess a hot drink would be nice," Ellie admitted, then glared at Joel.  "Why did you say I was thirteen?"

He smirked.  "You can pass for thirteen.  Easy."

She slugged his arm.  "But why did you lie?"

"Ow."  He rubbed his arm as if it had actually hurt; Ellie loved it when he did that, and he knew it.  "I don' know... it jus' slipped out that way... guess I thought he might have more sympathy for us if you're younger.  More innocent."

Ellie grinned.  "So you admit that at the very old age of fifteen, I'm _not_ innocent!"

"I will admit no such thing," he replied with a little chuckle.

"Either way, I'm old enough to be your mother," Sophie lamented.  "That makes me feel _old."_

"You _are_ old," Ellie agreed, just to be irksome.  _Because Sophie can totally be old even though Joel isn't.  Sure!_   "You're... what, like... thirty?"

"I wish!  Forty."

"What?  No way."

"Way."

"Huh."  Ellie didn't like that Sophie was even closer to Joel's age than she'd thought.  Forty and forty-nine might as well be the same age, in her mind.  It almost made her glad Joel would be fifty soon... almost.  _He said that old guy is like twenty or thirty years older than him, and he's still with it enough to yell and wave guns at people and threaten them_ , she comforted herself, just like she'd done with Peter and Lydia.  "Do you think that guy's lonely?  Living by himself... no one else around..."

"I bet he is," Joel agreed.  He put his arm around her again.  "Did you notice his hand was a little shaky?  Even if he'd shot at us, I ain't sure he would've hit anyone."

"So if you and him are BFFs now, why don't you wanna stay here for the night?" Ellie asked.

"He didn't say that," said Sophie.

"He pretty much did."  Ellie resisted the urge to add _"I just know him better than you."_   "He was barely okay with staying for tea.  But it's not like we're gonna get far in this muck..."

"I don' know... the guy seems harmless enough... my gut tells me he ain't a bad person.  But he could still be crazy for all I know.  I don' think I'd get much sleep."

_At least he doesn't trust his gut completely!_  "He _is_ crazy.  If he saw us come in here, he saw all our weapons, and he still came barging in, all..."

"When you're pissed off enough, you jus' don't care," Joel explained.

_And I'm sure Joel knows allllll about that._  "We could take turns keeping watch, if you want?" she suggested.

"Right.  Like I'm gonna wake you up a few hours later so I can go to sleep."

"Well, yeah, that's kind of how it works.  You could totally do that."

"I can keep watch, too," Sophie offered.

Ellie snorted.  " _Mom,_ haven't you figured out yet that Joel's a chauvinist?  He can't let a couple of _girls_ watch over his sleeping ass.  It's against his weird code."

Joel chuckled.  "Jus' lookin' out for the 'gentler sex,' as they say."

"Gentle?" Ellie scoffed.  "I'll show you gentle!"  She hit his arm again, a little harder, and fake-punched his chest a couple times... but then he grabbed her, and Ellie could tell he was about to tickle her senseless.  "NO NO NO DON'T OKAY YOU WIN STOOOPPPPP!"

He loosened his grip and she rolled away from him back onto the ground, panting and laughing.  Sophie was laughing, too... even Joel was laughing a little.  "Shit -- I didn' even touch you!"

"I'm not in the mood to pee my pants!" she cried.  "They're fucking wet enough already.  They've been wet like practically this whole trip so far."  She was lying flat on her back... having a little fantasy about what might happen now if she and Joel were alone...

But by the time the old man returned, she was huddled up with Joel and Sophie again, the blanket draped over all three of them.  She noticed Joel had now tucked El Diablo into the back of his jeans.  He could've completely geared up while the guy was gone, but he didn't even put on so much as a holster -- so as not to appear the least bit threatening, Ellie assumed.  She was just glad he wasn't lowering his defenses completely.  And she was a little annoyed with herself for not even thinking about retrieving her own holster in that window of time before the man returned.

The room had turned a golden yellow; the guy had brought this candle/lantern-type thing to hang from the wall.  She got a good look at him for the first time:  he was definitely much older than Joel, with completely white hair (and much less of it), lots more wrinkles, and some ugly brown blotches on his face, neck, and hands -- maybe on the rest of him too, but everything else was covered up.  The skin of his neck was all saggy.  His eyes looked sort of young, though.  Bright and lively.  Light in color, maybe blue.  He had his rifle slung over his shoulder.  Ellie figured he didn't 100% trust them just like Joel didn't trust him... but if Joel decided to shoot him, the old man didn't stand a chance of pulling that rifle up and aiming it in time.

"Didn't introduce myself proper before.  I'm Ron."  He approached them with a tray containing a thermos and a towel which covered... cups, presumably, to protect them from rainwater in transit.  He hadn’t bothered to protect himself; his clothes looked more drenched than their own, and he didn’t even bother wiping away the rivulets running down his face.

Ron must have already brewed the tea, because he hadn't brought any of those little packet thingies that go in the cups.  Sophie helped him set the tray down between her and Joel, then pulled the towel off to reveal four mismatched mugs, all turned upside down... which Ellie found rather sweet, for some reason.  Ron reached for the thermos, but Sophie beat him to it.  "Here, I can do that... I'm Sophie, this is Joel, and you got Ellie's name already."

Ron nodded at them, then looked at Ellie.  "Miss Ellie, you'll notice we're all drinkin' outta the same whatzit, and if you let me go first, I'll prove to you I didn't put no poison in it."

She had to smile a little at that.  "Dude, I believe you -- I'll even go first."

_"I_ always go first," Joel reminded her.

She rolled her eyes.  "Whatever, _Dad_."  The Mom-and-Dad thing that had annoyed her at first actually amused her now.  She could play her role in the Happy Little Family.  As long as Sophie didn't try to _kiss_ Joel or something...

"You like sugar?" Ron asked, prattling on before anyone could answer.  "Got plenty of it.  I don't hardly use it myself but I brought some out... I used to like lemon in mine, but no lemons... no honey... no milk... I had milk, back when I had cows, but they got stolen long before the horse did.  The horse -- that was just, what... two, three weeks ago."

His accent sounded kind of like Joel's, but not really... more like Max's.  Ellie thought he sounded nervous as well.  _Maybe he noticed the gun in Joel's pants.  Ha!_   She leaned over Joel's lap and chose a mug that read "Keep Calm and Drink Coffee," which seemed an odd thing to put on a mug, but people in olden times were weird.  She balanced herself with a hand on his leg, and had to bite back a giggle at how nervous _Joel s_ uddenly seemed now -- like she might decide to grope her _dad_ to freak the guy out or something?  _Well, fuck, now that's exactly what I want to do!_   As if reading her mind again, Joel gently nudged her from her seat to make her stand in front of him while fixing her tea.  She dumped enough sugar in it that he gave her a Look, which also made her want to giggle.  "What?  He said he had plenty."

Joel tipped a little sugar on the tray and tasted it with his finger, but then didn't put any in his own mug.  It was so obviously just normal sugar that she wasn't sure what the point of that little exercise was, but again, she was glad he didn't completely trust this old man.

Ellie returned to her seat and sipped at the hot liquid (because _fuck_ waiting for Joel to go first).  "Oo!  Too hot.  Ron, what did your horse look like?  If we see him out there, we'll totally bring him back to you."

Ron pulled a pallet of straw over like someone might pull up a chair to a dining table, taking a seat in front of Sophie.  "Oh, she was a beautiful animal.  Black as midnight, 'cept for the white stripe on her nose.  'Bout the size of your spotted one there.  Name's Bella.  She was out there grazin' when they came.  Those bastards-- er... beg your pardon, I’m not used to... talkin' to young girls, or ladies, no more..."

He'd probably said 'ladies' to include Sophie, but he was looking at Ellie.  She let the giggle out this time.  "It's okay, I'll try not to like... get upset."

Joel elbowed her lightly, but he was smiling a little too.  "Don' worry -- this one cusses like a sailor."

"Just like my dad," Ellie said cheekily.  Truthfully, she was sure she cussed more than Joel and Sophie combined, and probably more than any sailor.  She blew on her tea to cool it and tried another sip; the sweet, hot liquid warmed her belly pleasantly.  "So you saw them with your horse?"

"Yep.  I come runnin' out the door -- I can still run a little, you know, maybe not so fast as I used to... and I get my rifle.  I fire it, real high, I don't wanna hit Bella... she rears up, and I see one of 'em fall off her back.  The other one takes off with her.  Leaves him there.  The guy gets up and starts to run, so I guess that first shot didn't hit him at all, just spooked the horse... he runs, and I shoot him.  I hit him a little lower than I meant to... in the leg.  Back of his thigh.  Up by his rear end.  I know I ain't gonna catch up to his friend.  So now I got this bum bleedin' in my yard."  He paused to take a drink.

"What did you do?" Sophie asked with interest.  "Let him go?"

"Thought about it.  He was bleedin' pretty bad, and he couldn't walk.  Maybe his friend woulda come back for him... I figured he wouldn't, on account of me havin' this rifle and him stealin' my horse.  Guy I shot didn't have a gun... maybe neither of 'em did.  Bleedin' out is a horrible way to go.  So the kind thing would either be to fix him up and send him on his way, or just kill the son of a-- just kill him."

"You killed him," Joel surmised.

"Didn't much feel like fixin' him up, after what he done."

Ellie nodded.  "Yeah, well, why should you dig your own fucking bullet out of the asshole who tried to steal your horse -- and then use your own shit to patch him up?  Fuck that."

Ron chortled.  "You _do_ swear like a... yeah, I shot him again.  Spent a bullet to give him a clean death.  Even buried him.  I sure did.  Took me the whole next morning to dig him a grave."

Ellie wouldn't have bothered.  She wondered if that made her a bad person.  If she ever wondered about things like that out loud to Joel, he always told her it didn't.  Sometimes he suggested that maybe she would behave differently than she thought she would if she were actually in the situation.  Like if she were Ron, in his story... maybe Joel would say she might look at the guy's pathetic face, hear him beg for his life, and feel like she ought to at least bury him, if not try to patch him up.  Because he wasn't a true enemy... he was just a guy trying to survive.  Just like her and Joel.  She understood that, but she kind of took it personally when someone tried to steal their shit, and she knew Joel did, too.  Joel wouldn't just sit idly back and say, _"Damn, that man's stealing our horse.  Well, you win some, you lose some."_   No -- he'd whip out the shotgun.  Killing thieves was easy to justify.

As was killing a person pointing a gun at them.  That was why it surprised her so much when Joel didn't kill Ron.  Chance after chance to do that, yet he didn't.  She might be able to understand if Ron were younger.  _Way_ younger -- like, eighteen or something.  Young enough that Joel would consider him a kid.  But Ron was old.  He'd lived his life.  And Joel didn't need an excuse to kill someone who'd been _pointing a gun_ at them, did he?

She wondered... if Joel had heard him coming, and thus, had the gun in his hand when Ron burst through that barn door, would Joel have killed him on sight?  She thought he would have -- but then, she hadn't expected him to make nice with the guy once he _did_ get the chance to kill him.  _If I ask Joel about that later, will he tell me the truth?_

Ellie hadn't liked him at first, but the old guy was all right.  He'd just been trying to defend his home.  He'd loved that horse.  It was kind of cute how he made an effort not to cuss.  And he'd gone to the trouble of making them tea (making a fire to heat up the water, or... Ellie didn't even know how he'd managed that), and pulling out four mugs, and his little sugar bowl... and extra spoons, placing them upside down under a little towel -- and then trudging back out there in the rain with the tray.  But they might have killed him before any of that.  It gave her the chills.

Joel put his arm around her again.  "You still cold?"

"You want some more, darlin'?" Ron offered.  "There's a little bit left..."

"I'm okay.  But... sure.  Yes, please," she added, just to prove she could be polite when she wanted to be.  She was pleased to see that since Joel's other arm was occupied with his own mug, he wasn't touching Sophie at all now.

They sat like that for a while, talking.  Ron asked them a little bit about their lives, their journey... she noticed that Joel answered with shades of truth, steering clear of any subjects that might potentially require bald-faced lies -- like his relationship with Sophie.  Pretending to be her dad came easily enough to him.  Ellie couldn't help but wonder, quite wickedly, what everyone present would do if she suddenly straddled Joel and started kissing him hard.  Although, she didn't exactly resemble him or Sophie... Ron might've figured they weren't biologically related anyway.  Still... what thirteen-year-old would do that to someone so much older than herself?  _He'd probably think Joel was ABUSING me, even though it would be ME practically assaulting HIM... just like all the fuckers in Jackson would think, according to Joel... even the ones that LIKE us.  Even Tommy!_

For the most part, Joel deflected the questions back to Ron, and the old guy actually seemed quite eager to speak of his own life... his past.  He said he hadn't talked to anyone this much in _years_ , and that struck Ellie as so incredibly sad.  They'd only been there for like an hour!  She felt sorry for him.  Told him he should go to Jackson, where he could work on a real farm, with lots of animals, and none of them could get stolen inside those fortress-like walls... and real crops, not some dinky little garden... he did seem interested for a moment, but said he'd been here so long he was set in his ways, and he was meant to stay until the day he died.

When they'd long-since finished their tea and the conversation had petered out, Ron stood up slowly, as if it took some effort.  "I would offer you folks some dinner, but... I only caught one little squirrel today, in the trap, and that won't be nearly enough.  If I'd known, I could've tried to hunt somethin' big.  I do have some vegetables from the garden, though... and cans of this-and-that... maybe I could rustle up--"

"It's fine," Joel cut him off.  "Don' trouble yourself.  Thank you for the tea.  It hit the spot."

Sophie and Ellie echoed the sentiment, and Ron waved away their thanks.  "I thank _you_ all for the company.  And I'm sorry... about that business with the gun.  Nothing much in here to make off with even if you _were_ of a mind to steal.  I... shouldn't have assumed."

Ellie felt like he was apologizing to her more than anyone else, as he looked at her the longest.  "It's okay.  We're used to getting shot at and stuff."

"That's a shame."  The generic sentiment didn't even sound empty, when he said it.

"I can't part with a horse," said Joel, "but... if you need some ammo... fruit... we're bound to find some more along the way anyhow."

Again, Ellie was surprised; Joel didn't usually offer anything in trade, especially unbidden.  A fair trade for him typically would be letting the other person _live_.

"You don't need to do that." The old man waved his hand again.

"I insist."  And then Joel was rooting around in their stuff, extracting the named items -- he threw in some beef jerky, too.  Ellie marveled at how... well, _friendly_ he was being, on top of the generosity.  He probably felt sorry for the guy too, but still.  Ron refused to take anything from him, but he couldn't stop Joel from just laying it all out on the straw and leaving it behind.

"Sounds like the rain's finally lettin' up," Ron observed.  "You're free to stay the night, though.  Doors don't lock from the inside but you can close 'em good with that there rope, if you want... you'd be safe."

"I appreciate that," said Joel.  He glanced at Ellie and Sophie, confirming they were amenable to it, and then added, "We'll clear out first thing in the morning."

"Take your time.  Anythin' in here you need for the horses... it's yours.  I don't need it no more myself."  Ron looked at them quietly for a moment, like he was thinking.  "Maybe... if you wanted to stay... up there... in the house..."

"This is perfect right here," Joel assured him.  "But thank you."

The old man nodded.  "Right.  Well.  I'll leave the lamp here for ya, if you would just blow it out when you go to sleep.  Miss Ellie, you might like sleepin' up in that there loft.  You two... the straw makes a pretty nice bed, if you--"

"We'll figure it out," Joel said quickly, extending his hand for Ron to shake.  "Pleasure meetin' you, sir."

Ron shook it firmly.  "Joel, you got yourself a nice little family here.  You take good care of 'em.  Best of luck to ya."  He turned to Sophie and shook her hand next.  "And you take care of that man of yours, honey."

Ellie groaned inwardly at that, and again as Sophie told him that she _would_ , all bubbly and sickeningly-happy-like.  But it wasn't the old man's fault.  And Ellie wasn't really the shaking-hands type.  She hopped down and surprised him with a hug.  "Thanks, Ron!  No worries -- I'm actually the one who takes care of _them_ ," she said with a grin.

It took him a couple seconds to hug her back.  "That so?  I believe it."  With a motion that struck Ellie as awkward, he mussed her hair as he stepped back.  "You be a good girl -- and mind that tongue of yours.  Leave the swearin' to the boys.  You're too sweet to have a potty mouth."

Ellie snickered.  _Yeah, right!_   "Okay."  _Why do people think I'm sweet?  Maybe I LOOK sweet, but once I start talking..._

As soon as Ron gathered up the tray and left them for the evening, Joel regarded her with amusement.  "...'Okay'?  No more cussin'?"

"Oh, fuck that," Ellie giggled -- and her comment made Sophie giggle, too.  She skipped over to the loft Ron had pointed out and climbed up the ladder to check it out.  "Oh, it's kinda cool up here!  Joel, can we sleep in this?"

"No.  It's way too narrow.  I can tell from here."

"No it's not, we can totally fit!"

"I ain't sleepin' in that thing.  You're free to do what you want."

Ellie backed down the ladder, pouting.  "Whatever."

Sophie scurried over and climbed up the ladder to take a look.  "Oh, this is cozy!  I'll sleep up here if you don't want to, Ellie."

"It's all yours." 

"Cool beans."

_Yeah, you just stay up there with your beans._   Ellie was glad that Sophie wasn't entertaining ideas of trying to sleep with the two of them; just because Ellie had invited her to snuggle with them earlier didn't mean she'd let her _sleep_ with Joel.  Thankfully, Sophie seemed to be mindful of the fact that Joel was _not_ actually her man to take care of.  _He's MINE!  Even if I can't make him happy in certain ways, out here..._ she could still take care of him as far as making sure he was okay and stuff.

First, she had horses to take care of.

The three of them unloaded and undressed the horses, and then Sophie announced she had to pee.

"Let's all go together," Joel suggested.

"I don't have to go that bad," Ellie sulked.

Joel sighed.  "It's been... all day, Ellie.  Surely you can go."

Sophie laughed.  "Now you _really_ sound like parent and child."

Joel gave her a knowing look.  "Uh-huh.  Soon as the kid gets in the car..."

"Right?  As soon as the car leaves the house, anyway..."

"Then suddenly... 'I gotta go!' "

"Haha -- and 'why didn't you go at the house?' "

" 'I didn't have to go then!' "

Ellie glared at each of them in turn, annoyed at not sharing the joke.  "Is that from a movie or something?"

"Prob'ly," said Joel, "But it's classic kid behavior.  'Course, some of the time, it ain't really the kid's fault.  They got smaller bladders."

Ellie had had enough of being a kid for the day.  "My bladder is just as good as yours -- prob'ly better -- and if you want to have a little peepee party so bad, I'll go with you, okay?  No need to... get all weird about it."

Sophie did step out first, though, and Joel grabbed Ellie's arm.  "Hey," he said softly, "we'll do quality time tomorrow.  All right?"

"That's not... never mind.  Come on, let's go empty our bladders."  She stepped outside and called to Sophie -- she could go somewhere in her vicinity while Joel went around the opposite side of the barn.  Of course, Joel _could_ just turn his back to them, but Ellie didn't mind it when he put a little more distance between them; the less chance of Joel and Sophie catching a glimpse of each other's nether regions, the better.  At least the rain had lightened to a drizzle.

They ate a cold supper.  Talked about the day... Ron... what to expect tomorrow.  Groomed the horses.  Changed out of their wet clothes.  This time, Joel wore his own sweatpants, but only because he got Ellie to wear the lone sweatshirt he'd brought -- as pants, not a shirt.  It was big even on Joel, and she had no problem slipping her legs through the arms.  Actually, she only used one of the arms, and used the body for the other leg.  She thought she would have been fine just cuddling with Joel all night for warmth... but it did feel nice having her legs covered.

Joel had already started 'locking' the door with Ron's rope when Sophie declared she had to go pee again, even though they'd gone like an hour before -- mostly because she had this thing where it _had_ to be the last thing she did before going to bed.  Sophie had nearly forgotten it, though, as she'd already settled in to her 'bunk' with her book when she mentioned it (somehow, she could read for half an hour or whatever and not _just HAVE to go_ again).  "I'm sorry," Sophie said sheepishly as she climbed down the ladder.  "I could go in here somewhere I guess 'cause we're not exactly indoors, but that seems rude, and if I don't go, I won't be able to fall asleep, thinking--"

"Jus' go already," Joel told her.  Then he muttered something about a 'kid in the car' (and Ellie was glad to finally not be the kid of the trio, even if just for the moment).  "I'll see if I can hang that light somewhere up there for you to read by."

"Awww, you'd do that?  Thanks!"  Sophie slipped into her wet sneakers without bothering to tie them.

"It ain't for you -- I don' wanna have to get up to go blow it out when you're done."

Ellie snickered and looked at Sophie.  "You may have noticed -- he doesn't like to be called out on doing nice things for people."

"Hey, that was the real reason," Joel protested.  "Who do you think would be the one--"

"Yeah yeah yeah _whatever_ ," Ellie teased him.  Joel undid the door for Sophie, and as soon as she stepped out, Ellie scampered over to the ladder and climbed up into her loft-bed.  She wanted to get a better look at the book Sophie was reading.  Ellie had seen romance novels at the library... had even sneaked a peek at some of the pages... but she would be way too embarrassed to take one home, or for anyone to catch her reading them.  Sophie didn't seem to feel ashamed or embarrassed at all.

"What're you doin'?" Joel asked as he fiddled with the lantern.

"I'm just curious."  Because being curious about Sophie's book wasn't the same thing as taking one home from the library!  She flopped onto her stomach and picked up the book.

He glanced up at her.  "About the half-naked cowboy?"

"You remember that little detail, huh?" Ellie giggled.  _Mostly I want to make sure he doesn't look anything like YOU, since this is her 'type'..._ "It _is_ kinda hard to see up here.  Bring that light over!"

He stayed on the ladder rather than climb in next to her, but he held the light up while he surveyed the area.  "That might work right there... no, this is too heavy for it..."

The book title was _Corralled_ , written by Lorelei James, and the cowboy on the cover reminded her more of Max than of Joel.  He wasn't exactly half naked, either; he just had his shirt unbuttoned -- all the way -- for no reason.  At least, none that Ellie could see.  _Okay, so obviously the reason is to make the cover sexy... there's even a little quote on here about how sexy the author's cowboys are.  Hmmm..._ Ellie flipped to the first page of the book and read the opening line, snickered, then read it out loud to Joel.  " _'Screwing two guys doesn't make you a slut.'_   That's how it starts!  One girl's saying that to another.  ...and then they're talking about a waitress that has 'watermelon-sized tits' -- ha!"

Joel found a place to hang the lantern that satisfied him, and he gave her leg a little tug before backing down the ladder.  "C'mon, kiddo, you don' need to be readin' that shit."

She was a little disappointed that he didn't seem all awkward and uncomfortable, like she'd expected.  "How do you know it's shit if you haven't read it?" 

"Well, I seem to recall _you_ callin' it shit more than once.  Sayin' that only skanks read trash like that."

"Did I?"  But Ellie knew he was right.  "Sometimes I judge too fast."  She flipped to the page Sophie's bookmark was on.  "Hey, this bookmark is better than mine... it has horses on it."  Whereas Ellie's had flowers and some Bible verse.  She wondered if Sophie would trade... then decided she probably wouldn't want to, and would only do it to kiss up to Ellie, which wouldn't necessarily make Ellie _not_ ask her, but... it wasn't that big a deal.  "She hasn't gotten very far.  Let's see..."

"She'll be back any second now, you know," Joel warned.

"I know.  I don't care if she knows I'm curious."

When Sophie came back in, she was surprised to see Ellie in her bed with her book, and Ellie was _sure_ that for a moment, Sophie thought Ellie had changed her mind about sleeping up there, leaving Joel up for grabs on the ground.  Before the woman could get any _ideas_ about that, Ellie announced that she was just checking out the novel.

Sophie seemed delighted at the intrusion.  She flung off her shoes and climbed back up there, squeezing in next to Ellie on her stomach.  It _was_ too narrow, even for the two girls, and Ellie found herself all squished against the wall.  "You like it so far?" Sophie asked her.  "Wanna read it when I'm done?"

"No," Joel answered for her while he re-secured the door.

"Hey, maybe we could read it together," Ellie suggested brightly.  "Like take turns reading it out loud to each other!  Wouldn't that be fun?  It would drive Joel--"

" _Crazy_ \-- yes it would," Joel grumbled.  "Ellie, come on down here now.  Please."

"Maybe he's jealous," Sophie said with a grin, stealing Ellie's Joel-teasing bit from the day before.  "Joel, you can have a turn, too!  The three of us could read--"

"No!" Joel groaned.  "For chrissakes, would you jus' come down here already, Ellie?"

"Oookay."  Ellie pretended to be reluctant, but she wasn't really; fun as 'girl time' might be, she wanted to feel Joel's arms around her.  He did seem truly irritated at the moment, but she knew it wouldn't last.

He was frowning when she slipped under the blanket and into the crook of his arm.  She kissed his cheek.  "You're cute when you're mad," she informed him.  He was usually the one saying that to _her_.  And just like it didn't amuse her when he said it, it didn't seem to do much to make him less annoyed, either.  But he did begin stroking her hair, at least.  "I'm sorry," she tried instead, trying to sound more serious.

"No you ain't."

"I am!  I don't want you to be mad at me."

"I ain't mad."

"Okay, good."  Back to normal already!

"Your hair's not so soft anymore," he remarked.

"It's not?  Bummer.  Maybe you should've let me bring Annie's beer rinse."  It actually consisted of beer, aloe vera, and honey, but they had taken to referring to it by only the most bizarre of the ingredients.

"Mm.  There are more important things."

"As long as you still pet it for me, I'm good."  Ellie wasn't sure how well Sophie could hear them, or how much attention she was paying to them; the horses were somewhat nearby, making horsey noises from time to time, but their timing was too unpredictable to rely on as a voice-cloaking device.  She assumed Joel would freak out if she kissed him now, or said anything even remotely romantic.  The placating kiss on the cheek had been innocent enough...

"G'night, baby girl."

" 'Night."  But she wasn't anywhere close to falling asleep.  She lay there silently for a little while, various thoughts tumbling around in her head.

She could tell Joel wasn't asleep yet either when Sophie blew out the lantern, though he wasn't stroking her hair anymore.  Ellie started tracing circles on his upper arm.  Then she drew her hand over his chest... up to his jaw, where she just let her thumb move back and forth -- something she couldn't have done with the lamplight tattling on her.  He made a soft little noise of contentment and gave her a squeeze.  "Not sleepy?" he whispered.

She didn't answer.  Wasn't sure if he wanted her to.  When she danced her hand over to his chin, and then up to his lips, he made a kissing motion, but didn't actually kiss her fingers.  Ellie understood; Sophie couldn't have fallen asleep yet.  She kept her voice to a whisper, too.  "Joel..."

"Hmm?"

"You know how like... Ron doesn't _know_ what happened to his wife and kids?"  They'd discussed this a little at dinner, speculating that the old man liked to tell himself that his wife took off with their two teenagers, because it was better than thinking they were dead.  They had kept the conversation focused on Ron (and people in general), but naturally, Ellie couldn't help thinking of it in terms of her and Joel.  She wasn't sure how she would feel about that if it happened to her, but if she had to guess, she thought she'd rather believe Joel was dead.  At least then he wouldn't have left her on purpose.  Still... that would mean he was... well, _dead_... "He assumes... from that one day, that argument, but... he doesn't _know?_ " she continued.

"Yeah?"

"He said he looked for them... do you think he looked for them real hard?  What if he gave up too soon?"

"I don' know... he said he looked for 'em.  He prob'ly looked a good long while.  After a while... I s'pose you reach a point..."

"...a point what?  Where you give up?"

"Yeah.  Maybe it takes years, but yeah.  Eventually.  Maybe that's why he don' wanna leave here, though.  Some part of him is hopin' one of 'em might come back someday."

Ellie swallowed an unexpected lump in her throat.  "If I was gone... like, vanished..."

"Of course I'd look for you." 

He had answered the unspoken question she wasn't even going to bother asking, because she knew that answer already.  "I know, but... if you couldn't find me.  Would you tell yourself I left because I wanted to?  Like Ron did?"

"Ellie, why are you askin' me this?  That's not goin' to--"

"But if it did!" she insisted, trying not to raise her voice beyond whisper-level.  "Say it did.  And you looked.  You looked and looked and looked, and just... nothing.  How long would you keep doing that?"

He was quiet a moment before answering.  "I wouldn' be able to stop.  I couldn' live with the not knowin'."

"Your life would be ruined, then.  You could spend the rest of it looking for something you'll never find."  Ellie didn't like the idea of him _not_ looking for her, but the thought of him looking and looking and _looking_ , all in vain, made her heart hurt, too.  _I couldn’t stand him thinking I didn’t love him anymore… but wouldn’t that be better?  He could just… hate me… and then forget me… ugh, no, I couldn’t stand that, either…_

He gave her another squeeze and held it for a few extra seconds before relaxing.  "Why're you gettin' all morbid on me, baby girl?  That ain't gonna happen."

"You don't know that."  She kept ignoring his attempts to end the conversation -- because sometimes she just got this bug up her ass where she had to talk about unpleasant things.  "Say you're never gonna see me again.  Which would be better... if I'm dead or if I'm alive?"

"Alive," he answered without hesitation.

_Either a reflex answer, or he's thought about this before!_   "But you're never gonna see me again," she repeated.  "No matter what you do.  And if I'm alive, it's because I left you.  Like I didn't want to be with you anymore."

"Even so.  Alive.  That's easy."

"Really?  But if I'm dead, you'd know that I never stopped... you know.  Wanting to be with you."  She didn't think Sophie could hear their whispers, and maybe she'd nodded off by now, but Ellie was careful in her choice of words nonetheless.  "Isn't that better than... me ditching you?"

"Nope.  Not to me, it ain't."

"But..."  That just struck Ellie as so... _sad_.  Almost like he _expected_ her to leave or something.  "I just want you to know... I _wouldn't_ be gone because I want to be.  Even if you think I'm mad at you or something... I'll never leave like that.  If you can't find me, I'm prob'ly dead, so after a while you can just give up and go on with your life, knowing--"

"Ellie, ssshhhhhh.  Don' talk like-- Where is all this comin' from?"

"Well... cuz I've sort of... run off before, and stuff... I don't want even some teensy tiny little part of you to wonder for even _half a second_... I want to be sure you know I'd never do that to you."

"I do know that."  He kissed the top of her head, apparently not so concerned with that sound... maybe her hair muffled it enough?  "Don' mean I'd stop lookin'.  What if you were hurt, or lost... needin' my help..."

"But after _years?_   I must be dead."

"Not necessarily.  It's a big world out there.  Maybe you'd be in some kind of trouble that I could help get you out of.  That's what I'd be thinkin'."

"And not on purpose.  I didn't leave on purpose.  Something happened," she reiterated.  _...is that selfish of me?  He'd never get over that.  Is it BETTER if he thinks like Ron--_

"Same with me," Joel interrupted her thoughts.  "It wouldn' be my choice.  But I don' know that I'd want you wastin' your whole life lookin' for me, either."

"How could I _not?"_   Ellie couldn't even imagine a life without Joel now.

"You tell yourself I'm dead, an' that we've always known I'd be the first to go, so--"

"I don't wanna talk about this anymore," Ellie cut him off.  Talking about _her_ going missing was one thing, but if it was Joel... _I would die_.  "I won't leave you and you won't leave me and if we stick together, then... we'll always be together.  Problem solved."

"Exactly.  Can you try to get some sleep now?  We're together, an' we're safe in here."

"Right.  Yeah.  Okay.  Good night again."  She hoped he couldn't feel the tears that had sneaked out of her eyes and into his shirt.

But maybe he did feel that, because he gave her a huge squeeze.  "I love you, baby girl."

_He doesn't care if Sophie hears THAT?_  She probably couldn't hear it... but still.  Ellie smiled in the darkness.  "I love you, too.”


	32. Trouble Will Find Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the National's album.

**Day 6**

 

The incident with the old man had shaken Joel up a bit.  Things had turned out all right in the end, of course, but it had been pretty goddamn stupid of him to let Ellie persuade him to remove his gun just because it rendered him a little less snuggly -- and he could have just as easily set it behind him, within reach, instead of on the ground.  He just plain wasn't thinking.  Hell, even before that, why hadn't he checked the farmhouse to make sure it was unoccupied?  Ron must have been watching them from there.  And, even after their visit with the old man, Joel had let Sophie go outside alone.  The chances of anyone lurking outside were slim, but still -- wasn't he always preaching that anything could happen at any time out there?  What the hell was wrong with him that he couldn't even follow his own advice?

He had to keep reminding the girls to stay vigilant.  Maybe not Ellie, so much (she always _claimed_ to be completely on guard out there, although Joel had his doubts)... but Sophie sometimes seemed to be a little too comfortable for Joel's liking.  Ellie's take on it was that Sophie liked to make Joel worry a little sometimes.  Staying out of sight a little too long, taking longer-than-necessary bathroom breaks, shit like that.  She even called Sophie out on it once, and Sophie, of course, denied it.  Joel didn't see what good either of them might possibly think it could do to make him worry any more than he already did by default.  It was like some kind of bizarre female need... to invent drama where there was none (and yes, he included Ellie in that, despite her insistence to the contrary).

It almost made Joel wish they _would_ run into some real trouble.  Almost.

It had taken them four days to even encounter any Infected, and Joel wasn't so sure he would even count that first time.  They'd found a nice little spot to break -- a campsite, complete with a fire pit and a camper.  The girls had wanted to eat inside the camper, and Joel went to check it out while they picketed the horses nearby.  Cautious though he was, he'd still been surprised to find a Runner inside, in what he called 'sleep mode' -- just standing there, its back toward Joel.  He hadn't seen any outside (live ones, anyway… there was one corpse), but then he had to do another check, walking completely around the camper and looking in all directions, before going back inside to dispose of the lone creature.  No need to waste ammo -- he just strangled the fucker.  Then he found another down at the other end, on its knees, leaning over a little fold-out bed... it almost looked like the thing was praying.  It was definitely infected; Joel could see it shaking, and as he approached, he heard some very soft moans.  It sounded female, although in Joel's mind, they became sexless things once the virus robbed them of their humanity.  The creaking camper betrayed his steps, and this one rose up before he could get behind it to strangle it.  So he threw a few punches, slammed its head into the wall, and that was that.

Ellie was annoyed that Joel had killed them without summoning her over to help, and Sophie was disappointed that she'd missed watching Joel kill them -- since Ellie had regaled her with tale after tale of the gruesome deaths she'd witnessed at Joel's hands, which had piqued Sophie's interest.

He didn't even have to kill them.  He could have just said they had to find another spot -- one not so in the open, or whatever shit came to mind -- and left the Runners there.  If they'd been regular sleeping humans, he could leave them be.  But there was no reason to let those things live, especially if all it cost him was a little effort.  They might breathe and move around and make noise, but 'life' as such... wasn't life.

And they had indeed avoided some non-infected humans along the way:  two small groups, in much the same manner as they'd started to avoid the Jacksonites they'd met the second day.  Sophie had made some joke about Joel not being the killing machine he'd been advertised to be, and when Joel didn't laugh, she'd practically fallen all over herself apologizing... not unlike Ellie did at times.  The two seemed to be picking up some habits from each other already (and more than once, he'd found a very furtive-looking Ellie talking to her; Joel assumed it had to do with mysterious female shit, of which he'd gladly remain ignorant).

Ellie had explained to Sophie the trouble with killing people -- that when they were part of a community, their buddies would then come after you, so you'd have to kill more, and then even more would be after you, and so on and so forth... which was true enough, although in the rural areas they'd traveled through so far, they hadn't come across anything resembling an actual 'community'... not like that piece of shit David had had in Colorado, anyway.  No soldiers were after them for killing their comrades.  No Fireflies out for... either revenge, or to force Ellie to help them with their mythical vaccine.  Joel certainly hadn't ruled out those possibilities; he intended to keep a low profile by steering clear of any groups of humans whatsoever.

He had reminded Ellie that they also just plain weren't out there to kill people.  Joel reckoned that on that cross-country trip, he'd probably been a little more prone toward killing, even when it was murder and not strictly self-defense (that was a rather fine line these days anyhow).  He'd been apathetic about life in general back then, and when he wasn't apathetic, he was angry.  In grieving for Tess, he'd been especially angry.  That wound was too raw, the pain too fresh.  He didn't really give a damn who he killed.  That attitude had always served him well.  Getting to know Ellie, getting close to her -- letting her in -- had sparked some things, though... had changed him, profoundly.  He would never be altruistic enough to give more than half a shit about a stranger, never blind enough to trust that meeting someone on the road would not necessarily lead straight to danger... but he was decidedly more live-and-let-live now.

And yet... the kill-or-be-killed was still there as well, the two mindsets battling for dominance.  He would never regret killing a hospital full of Fireflies to save just one life -- not when that life was Ellie's.  If the people they were trying to avoid on this trip were to notice them, and try to kill them?  He might still try to flee, if it was practical -- they were ahorse, after all -- but if not, or if the threat were too immediate, he would kill everyone present and not think twice about it.  When they got out of the countryside and more into a city environment, chances were they'd run into more problems.  That was what Joel was assuming.  Even though the cities weren't like cities of old in terms of population, he figured large groups of people were more likely to choose sheltered areas to congregate.  And where there were people, there were people at risk of getting infected -- some of whom inevitably _would_ become infected, and go on to infect others.

Earlier today, they'd followed a bend in the road, and Joel had seen movement in the trees ahead... before Ellie could even identify it with the binoculars, a band of Runners had started advancing toward them.  Spirit had reared up -- in fear more than an attempt to toss them, Joel felt -- and any thought of trying to fight them vanished.  There was no directing the horse when he got spooked like that.  Spirit wanted to flee in the exact opposite direction -- which at least wasn't exactly where they'd just come from, thanks to the bend, but it was definitely backtracking.  Joel couldn't fault him for a display of common sense (though he did wonder sometimes if the decision to take Spirit on this journey perhaps hadn't been the wisest).  Poppy may have been fairly freaked as well, but she wasn't nearly as fast as Spirit.  Joel kept having to look over his shoulder to make sure they were still following, and that the Infected were left in the dust.  He estimated there were ten or twelve of them in the woods there.  If it weren't for the horses, Joel probably would have fought them.  Now they would have to cut through the forest and try to hook up with the highway again after circling around, and then get far enough away from that area that he'd feel comfortable stopping for the night.  It wasn't the worst place to veer off-course, at least, as there were no mountain ranges to contend with.

Ellie had been business-as-usual after that; Sophie had seemed a little rattled.  He noticed she seemed to be more alert than usual, her eyes scanning the landscape more... she was reluctant to get off her horse for even a bathroom break... and although Joel had intended to have some private time with Ellie today, Sophie begged them not to leave her alone, and that idea was shot.  Even if he'd been of a mind to go ahead and do it anyway, she might have been scared enough to come looking for them, and he was still very protective of their secret.  Anyhow, Sophie's fear was a good reminder that what they were doing was stupid and risky.  He could justify it all he wanted, saying that Ellie _needed_ that time with him (his needs alone weren't enough justification), but the truth was, Ellie needed to be _alive_.  And if anything happened to Sophie while they were off playing, the guilt would eat up both of them.

At least they were all on guard now.  On guard, and a bit on edge. _Maybe we don't need to find any real trouble after all..._

But trouble did seem to have a way of finding him.

Joel had given up on the day as far as making much more headway on the mileage front, but backtracking and then going through the countryside wasn't a total loss -- Ellie was able to shoot a rabbit and a squirrel for dinner.  Plus, they hadn't been rained on, all day long.  The sun was dipping into the horizon now, a good cue to find a suitable place to make camp for the night, but Joel still felt apprehensive and unwilling to stop.

"I'd feel better if we could find a house to hide in," he told the girls.  "Even if it ain't a real secure one."

So they rode on.

They switched their flashlights on when it got dark enough to warrant it, and rode on some more.  There were just no goddamn houses out here.  Joel hoped that didn't mean there'd be wildlife to worry about... bears, maybe?... but he didn't voice that concern, as it wasn't entirely rational; the lack of civilization in general meant that the animals could roam anywhere, and were just as likely to reside in what passed for a town out here than in the more woodsy areas.  Some of the scouts had mapped out fenced areas in this region, but Joel was pretty sure those were a little north of their current location.  Fences that protected them were fine; fences they'd have to scale with horses in order to continue on their route could pose a bit of a problem, depending on their make and height.  This wasn't an area that Joel was concerned about running into any natural barriers, like rivers or mountains, but the fences were kind of a crapshoot.  The chainlink ones were virtually indestructible, if they'd been installed correctly.

It was too dark to get a decent look around now, but Joel thought they might be in an area that had once been scorched by wildfire.  Perhaps many years ago, as there were small spruce trees sprouting up amongst the tall, stick-like, dead (or half dead) ones.  Ellie said she liked the 'baby trees.'  Joel liked them well enough, but preferred to stick to more open areas, where possible... the clear patches of land that didn't have so many logs or trees littering the ground, threatening to trip up the horses in the darkness.

"Joel, can we just stop?" Ellie pleaded after an hour or so of that.  "I'm starving, and those Infected aren't anywhere near us.  Sophie, you wanna stop too, right?"  Ellie liked to recruit Sophie to her cause when it suited her.  The rule was, as far as Joel could tell, that the two of them could gang up on him, or he and Ellie could gang up on Sophie, but he'd better not ever take Sophie's side about anything, if he knew what was good for him.

"I guess?" Sophie answered, turning to look at Joel.  "There's no houses out here... but what if we keep going and the horses keel over?"

"They ain't gonna keel over."  Joel sighed.  "All right, we can stop, but we keep them saddled up ready to go while we're eatin'.  Then we can decide if we should keep goin' or not."

"You mean _you_ can decide," Ellie said sourly.

"We'll take a vote."  He tried not to act like commander in chief all the time... but he couldn't help it.  He _felt_ like he was in command.  That ultimately, the girls were his responsibility.  He was the oldest and most experienced.  He felt protective of them.  Even though Ellie could take care of herself, he worried.  If anything happened to her, he couldn't take it.

But he wasn't always right.  And there wasn't always just one right answer to any given dilemma.  For the most part, though, both girls seemed willing to follow his lead... Sophie with either blind trust or apathy, Ellie with the knowledge that he always put her own well-being above all else.

The horses did seem more interested in snoozing than grazing.  Even in snooze mode, they were ready to flee at a moment's notice, as they never laid down.  Joel couldn't remember ever seeing either of them lay down, though Ellie claimed Spirit would do it at home once in a while, that she'd seen.

They grilled their meat over a merrily crackling fire, and the three of them ate with gusto... albeit it silent gusto.  Joel was still listening, not certain they'd left trouble behind them -- because he knew they hadn't literally left it _behind_ them.  _More like, to the side..._ If they could have fled the scene in a more forward motion, he'd feel more at ease now.  They had no way of knowing what direction the herd of Infected was headed once they'd stopped chasing the horses, and he was sure they hadn't made up enough ground on their circuitous route to discount the threat.  _I should've sent Ellie and Sophie off and then killed the fuckers..._

But it was no use indulging such speculation.  The horses weren't trained for battle, and it would be impossible to fight from the saddle.  No matter what he told her to do, Ellie would probably insist on fighting with him, and join him on the ground; she would undoubtedly be a great help, but then they might never see Spirit again, as he was sure the horse would run like the dickens and never look back.  They would use up valuable ammo and supplies, perhaps putting them in a bind later when they didn't have the option of running away.  And, of course, there was the risk of getting hurt... or worse.  Thus, Joel didn't actually regret the decision to flee.  His conscience couldn't be troubled with the thought of those Infected going on to infect or kill other people; he could only worry about his own.  He could quite easily leave the _greater good_ crap to the Fireflies.

Naturally, he didn't hear anything of note while they were eating or having the final discussion on whether to stay or not -- or while unpacking their sleeping gear from the horses after deciding to stay.  Nope, that would have been too easy.  But as soon as he strayed far enough away from the camp to take a leak... he _thought_ he heard something, and had to venture out farther to make sure it was just the wind, or crickets chirping, or whatever the hell.

And then he heard it for sure:  _Click... cliiiiiick... clickkk-click..._

_Shit!_   Joel immediately sprinted back toward the camp.  With any luck, it was too far away to--

But then he saw Spirit start making a big fuss, neighing his displeasure loudly, pulling on his lead rope as he darted around in a mad circle; he'd either heard them or smelled them.  Joel had wondered before if Spirit had had a catastrophic run-in with Infected in a former life that caused such freakouts, or if it was just his personality... or if maybe it was too much to expect a horse to remain calm and collected when faced with those monsters.  It was a fairly open area they'd camped in, with only Ellie's baby trees and the dead stalks dotting the land:  nowhere to hide.  ...and, to Joel's dismay, Spirit's saddle was off, along with the assorted saddlebags.  Even though he had said they needed to leave the horses tacked up for the night.

The girls couldn't see him in the darkness, but Joel could see them by the light of the fire.  They'd been fiddling with Sophie's little tent (determined to erect it without Joel's help) when he left, but now both of them were looking around and calling his name... furtively, not loudly.  Like a hushed yell, if there was such a thing.  The clicking noises were getting louder, but even if they hadn't heard them yet, Spirit's behavior was enough to alert them to trouble.  He came rushing in from the dark, scaring them for a moment, but the fear turned to relief the moment they saw it was him. 

"Ellie!  I told you to--"

"I know I know!  I was just looking for— I was going to put it back on when we--"

"All right, just-- can you calm him down an' get it back on him?"  The goddamn horse was loud enough to draw any nearby Infected to them.  Poppy was a little agitated, possibly on account of her companion's extreme reaction, but relatively quiet.  Joel started gathering the gear he wasn't willing to ditch, like their weapons; luckily, most of their shit was still packed up with Poppy.  He grabbed Ellie's holster belt off the ground, filing away another lecture he'd need to give her later on being too quick to take it off (sometimes he thought he should've just let her keep tucking it into her jeans).  _O_ _f course, it would help if I set a better example..._ but he _had_ been, since that night.

Joel saw that Sophie was frantically trying to pack up her tent.  "Sophie -- forget the tent, just get on your horse," he urged.  "Well, unpicket her first.  Ellie--"

"Fuck! _Spirit!"_   The horse had escaped from either the picket line or from Ellie, and was galloping the hell outta Dodge.  Ellie looked helplessly from Spirit to Joel and back again.

"Here!"  Joel hurried over to Ellie to hand off her holster, then tossed what remained of the kindling they'd gathered into the fire.  "Sophie!" he called as he pulled out the shotgun.  "Go after Spirit!  _Now!"_

The light of the fire prevented them from seeing the creatures in the darkness, but they were advancing quickly; the clucking of the Clickers and moaning of the Runners was getting louder.  _There were no Clickers on the highway earlier... This must be a different group, unless the group was larger than what we could see..._ Joel switched on his flashlight and found them with the beam.  Five or six... nothing they couldn't handle. 

Sophie was reluctant to leave them.  "But what--"

"Go!  Don't lose him!  Go straight-- we'll meet up later!"  At least Spirit would be in view longer here than he would've been in a healthier forest area -- and Sophie did have her flashlight... though it would still be difficult in the dark.  He was out of time to convince her to go -- he had to turn his attention to the Infected and start shooting.

He shot and killed two of the approaching Runners, and an explosion presumably took out some more... Ellie must have thrown a nail bomb from his backpack.  Now there was a third Runner right in his face -- he whacked it with the shotgun to stun it, then pitched it into the campfire.  He glanced at Ellie for a second; she was firing her pistol, and he knew it could take a few shots each to kill them with that thing.  The smaller guns were more suited for her frame, and she preferred them, but Joel did wonder from time to time if he ought to get her to trade at least one of them for something more powerful.  Joel shot the Runner behind the one that was closest to Ellie, hoping that—

"Joel!  Behind you!" Ellie screamed.

He whirled around and found himself face to face with a Clicker -- and luckily, he always had a shiv clipped to his belt.  He'd learned long ago that you can't kill them with your bare hands (back in the day, several of his allies had lost their lives, learning that the hard way), no matter how strong you thought you were.  But a shiv to the jugular?  That worked every time -- and unlike knives, shivs were conveniently disposable; Joel only used a blade when he was out of shivs.  As the Clicker fell to the ground, Joel looked for Ellie again -- she had killed the one closest to her and was now firing at another.  He turned back to... _shit, how did I misjudge that so bad?  There's clearly more than half a dozen --_ There were at least that many still coming toward them.  _Some of them must've been lagging behind..._

As a general rule of thumb, he never liked to position Ellie closer to the Infected than he was himself, but if he could get them close to the fire... without catching fire himself, of course... he got one of the dumbasses to lunge at him -- straight into the flames, when he stepped aside at the last split second -- but those following went around, on either side.  All Runners.  He fired at the ones to the right (the side Ellie was on), killing two, merely wounding another as a Runner grabbed him and fucked up his aim.  He grappled with it for a few moments before managing to launch the fucker into the fire, which was spreading a bit thanks to all the fleshy fuel expanding its base well beyond the confines of the 'pit.' 

_Where's Ellie--_ he found her backing away and... he wasn't sure what she was trying to do.  Maybe switch guns.  A Runner -- possibly the one he'd wounded -- was headed straight for her... _shit!_   He got a shot off -- his last one, and no chance at the moment to reload -- but _damnit!_   It missed the mark, as he hadn't turned back to the other Runner coming for him in time to avoid getting grabbed again --

\--and tussling with this one landed Joel in the fire.  Not smack in the middle, though, and he remained on his feet, with one foot in the flame for a quick moment as he tried to regain his balance.  He blindly jumped backwards to get himself out of it completely before it could do more than singe him a little.

Righting himself, he looked in Ellie's direction-- _I better help her with that one!_   She could knife the fuckers when they were on her, but it didn't appear she'd been able to whip out her knife in time.  Joel lunged at the Runner and ripped it off of her.  He started beating it to death, aware that Ellie was screaming his name, and something about fire... a blanket... she was right there... trying to hug his leg or something?  It was more than a little distracting, as he had to fight the urge to shake her off, and it left him pretty much grounded.  Still, he'd landed a couple decent blows, and the Runner was reeling unsteadily in front of him... wounded, but in need of a finishing blow.  Joel threw all his weight into stomping the creature's head into the ground -- with the non-Ellie leg, although the act still dislodged her.

"Ellie, what the--"  Now Ellie was beating their blanket into the ground -- he noticed it had somehow caught fire, possibly from the burning corpse of an Infected a couple feet away.  But he didn't really have time to process that with three Runners closing in.  Ellie ditched the blanket to shoot at the one closest to her, leaving Joel free to deal with the one about to attack him... he decked the thing and pitched it into the fire -- a veritable bonfire, by this point.  _Better than using up the flamethrower canisters.  Ellie... where'd she go..._ then he heard another two gunshots in rapid succession -- Ellie was pointing her gun at what appeared to be the last of them as it toppled to the ground.

It was eerily silent now, and the stench of burning flesh assailed him.  After gathering his wits for a moment, he hurried over to where Ellie was standing, quietly watching one of the little trees burn.  It was nearly as tall as she was.  He put his hand on her shoulder.  "You okay, kiddo?"

"I didn't mean to get the tree," she said quietly.  "It's too big to smother with the blanket, right?"

"I think so."  Possibly not, but there was no point; it was toast.  It was just a tree, only one of thousands they'd seen... it was touching to see her look so sad about it.  "Jus' let it burn out -- nothin's close enough for it to jump to..."

She turned to him.  "Are _you_ okay?  Your leg?"  She squatted to look at his jeans, and ran her hand over his calf.

"There was never anythin' wrong with it, Ellie."

"Uh, yeah there was -- didn't you notice your pants were on fire?!"

Joel had noticed no such thing.  He looked at the part of his jeans Ellie was inspecting.  "What are you talkin' about?"

"Huh... it didn't even burn a hole!  Look, it's just all black right here."

"I did wonder what the hell you were doin'," he said with a chuckle, looking at the scorched denim.  Clearly she wasn't just… being fanciful.  "I swear I didn' even feel it.  Thank you."

She stood up and flung her arms around his neck.  "You're the one who killed, like... all of them."

"Not all.  Maybe half."  He hugged her close.  "Did you manage to save the blanket?"

"Mostly, yeah."

"Did it catch fire off my pants?"

"No... it was only like one little flame on you... I'm sorry I wasn't more help.  Fighting."

"What do you mean?  You held your own jus' fine.  Killed plenty.  An' puttin' out fires is pretty damn helpful -- especially when it's on me."  It wasn't like her to be so... well, he wasn't sure what.  _Ashamed?  That don't make sense._   He kissed the side of her head and then extracted himself from her embrace.  "Let me look at you... you ain't hurt?"

"Not really.  So your leg really doesn't hurt?"  She lifted a hand to caress his cheek.

"It's fine.  I s'pose I felt the heat of it... an' just assumed it was from the big fire we got goin' here?" He turned and kissed her palm.  "We need to go find Sophie."

Ellie snorted.  "Just when we're finally alone..."

He brushed his lips over hers in the briefest of kisses.  "C'mon.  Get your shit -- I'll search the bodies.  The ones not burnin' up, that is."

Ellie helped him with that, and he did do just a cursory check of the burning bodies as well, as best he could.  The search paid them back a little for some of the ammo they'd just used.  Infected didn't have enough brainpower to use weapons against them, but some of the fuckers still carried bullets around from their former lives. 

"Look," Ellie called to him.  She was holding up a photograph, shining her light on it for him.  "Want it?"

It was a wedding photo, and if Joel had to guess, the hair and clothing styles dated it back to the 80s.  An odd thing to be carrying around... maybe it was a picture of the person's grandparents.  "Nah... let 'em keep it."

"You're getting less sentimental about that stuff, huh?" Ellie commented as she went to return the photo to the pocket of its dead owner.

Was he?  Maybe somewhat.  He was more into looking to the future than remembering the past, at least.  Joel started gathering the rest of his own gear.  He could roll up the blanket, and... "Shit.  The tent.  We better take it... no sense tryin' to find this spot again."

"Good thing we didn't get it put together, huh?"

Joel snorted.  "They're a hell of a lot easier to take down than put up anyhow."

Ellie draped the blanket over herself like a cape and watched him pack up the tent.  "So... is it a good thing or a bad thing that we left the food on Poppy?"

Joel slung the little tent bag over his shoulder, and started retrieving Spirit's bags.  "Good thing," he decided.  " 'Cause we're gonna find them quick enough, an' now we don' have to carry all that extra."  Spirit had been carrying a lighter load to compensate for the extra rider.

"How are we gonna find them?  Spirit's _fast_ ," Ellie lamented.  She took one of Spirit's bags before Joel got to it.

"We'll find 'em."  Joel aimed his flashlight up at the sky and switched it on and off five times.  "Think she'll remember when we talked about this?  I don' know... might be too much moonlight for it to be effective."  The moon was half full... it had seemed quite dark earlier, but for some reason the sky seemed brighter, now that he was trying to signal.  "We could fire a few rounds, but that'll jus' sound like more fightin', if she hears 'em now, an' she might not realize it's safe to come back our way yet.  Maybe later.  Let's jus' start walkin' that direction and call out her name."

Ellie picked up Spirit's saddle and tried to tuck it under her arm.  "You don't think more Infected'll come if they hear us?"

Joel watched with mild amusement as she struggled with the saddle.  "I think they all came runnin' from all the ruckus we already made.  But stay alert... there could always be more out there.  Let's try to watch the sky for her signal, too.  You wanna gimme that?"

"It'd be fine if I didn't have my backpack and the other bag and this gun here..."  She made the most adorable little frustrated groan sounds.  The blanket kept slipping off her shoulder, too, thanks to her efforts to manage the saddle.

"Give it to me."

"I got it!  Let's just go."  He had to snatch it from her, and still she protested.  "No!  It's my fault we have to carry it in the first place."

"What, so you wanna punish yourself?  There's no need for that."  Joel couldn't find a comfortable place to tuck it against himself, either, but he would've felt like an ass letting Ellie carry it. 

They started walking, and he reached for her hand.  As soon as their fingers touched, she pulled away, which surprised Joel a bit.  She hardly ever rejected affection like that.  _...more self-punishment?_

"Should we start yelling for her, or...?" she asked.

"Yeah, she may be closer than we think.  We didn' exactly have a chance to make a plan."  Joel bellowed her name at the top of his lungs.

Ellie followed suit, then they continued on in silence, just listening.  Listening for horse sounds... Sophie... Infected... anything.  They continued that way, calling her name at regular intervals, then returning to silence... listening hard, but only hearing their own footsteps.

"Joel..." Ellie broke the silence after a few rounds of that.  Her voice sounded so small.  "When I made that dumb remark before, I didn't mean it."

_...Huh?_   "What dumb remark would that be?"

"About finally being alone.  I don't want us to be alone like... this."

Joel smiled a little.  "Oh baby girl, I know you don't.  You were jus' jokin' around."

"Well, it was still stupid.  Do you think she's all freaked out?  Being alone out here?  At night?!  _I_ would be."

"She ain't alone.  She's got the horses... one of 'em, at least... hopefully both... an' she knows we're out here."

"Still.  She gets lost just going pee.  Maybe she got all turned around..."

"We'll find her, I promise."  Joel should probably be a little more careful of making promises like that, but he felt certain they would find her and she'd be just fine.  If she ran into any more Infected, she was ahorse -- she could outrun them.  Humans would be a different story, but they were more likely to be an issue in the daytime.  Joel reached for Ellie's hand again, and again she pulled away.  He almost asked her what was wrong... but maybe now wasn't the time.  He called Sophie's name again.

Ellie scooted over to his right side, where he was holding the saddle.  She tried to take it from him, but he was holding it securely against his side.  "Ellie, I got it, don't--"

"No, I know... can you just hold it on your other side?"

"What?"

"Switch sides."

Puzzled, Joel shifted the saddle over to his left hip... and _then_ she took his hand.  He chuckled.  "Didn' know you had a preference."

"See, there's still stuff about me you don't know."

"I'm sure there's _plenty_ about you I still don' know."  And he still thought her reluctance to take his hand had more to it than preferring to be on his right side.

"Women are mysterious creatures," Ellie said sagely.  It sounded like a quote, not something she would just spit out herself, although he couldn't place it.

"Yes they-- yes _you_ are," Joel amended, letting go of her hand only momentarily to try flashing the light at the sky again. 

"How long do you think it'll take to find her?"

"No idea.  With Spirit runnin' free like that... who knows how far she had to go jus' to catch up to him."  Hopefully she _had_ caught up to him.  And hopefully they didn't end up backtracking through the mountainous stretch behind them -- Joel had definitely wanted to stick to the highway there.  On paper, the idea of everyone finding their way to the highway and eventually being able to find each other on it _sounded_ good, but...

"Fuck, maybe we should've taken a different horse," said Ellie.  "That's my fault, too."

"Ellie, stop.  Shit happens.  Nothin' ever goes perfectly accordin' to plan... this ain't that bad.  Nobody's hurt.  Jus' a minor setback."

She waited another minute or so before sharing another one of her Ellie-like thoughts.  "It would be better if you and her were together, or me and her were together, and one of _us_ was the one out here alone.  You know?"

Joel sighed.  "So now you wish it was _her_ hand you were holdin'.  Sorry, kiddo, you're stuck with me."

"Don't make fun of me... it's true.  People would assume you and her are the parents and I'm the kid, but really it's me'n'you who are the parents and _she's_ the kid."

"Maybe."  Joel thought it was awfully sweet of her to worry about Sophie so much.  And she was probably right.  But he was far too selfish to wish for Ellie to be anywhere other than by his side.  "I'm jus' glad you'n'me are together.  Ain't you glad about that?"

"Well, yeah, of course--"

"All right then.  Let's jus' keep at it."  He squeezed her hand and gave it a little extra swing as they walked.

Ellie fell silent, content to let Joel do the Sophie-yelling.  She had to be really tired by now, as they'd gone so late today that it was now long past the time they'd normally be going to sleep.  Joel hoped she was too tired to ask him any more questions or initiate conversation, because he was pretty worn out himself, and it was challenge enough to not let his brain go slack.  To be present and alert.

He didn't think Sophie was in any real danger yet, but he wasn't exactly not-worried, either.  They only had a general sense of the direction she'd gone, and if she was trying to get back to them, going in yet another direction... a random one, given her lack of direction sense... He would just feel a hell of a lot better if they found her sooner rather than later.


	33. Pain Don't Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a (badass) line from the movie _Road House_.

**Day 7**

Ellie wanted to stop and rest, but she had a feeling that if they actually did stop, she wouldn't be able to rest.  She suspected Joel felt the same way, though maybe not quite for all the same reasons (at least, she _assumed_ Joel wasn't trying to ignore any unabating pain).  Maybe if they were looking for _days_ , they'd have no choice but to stop, but it had only been a few hours.  Sophie couldn't be _that_ far away...

"Do you think she's sleeping?" Ellie wondered.  "Maybe that's why she's not answering?"

"Maybe."

She didn't really believe that, and from the tone of that 'maybe' (he had several varieties of maybes), she didn't think Joel did, either.  Ellie hoped that Sophie was simply lost.  That she'd caught up to Spirit, and then lost her way trying to get back to them.  Maybe she was also a little bit deaf?  They'd fired a sky shot to supplement their shouting some time ago, and she hadn't answered it with her own.

Maybe it hadn't been that long, and it just _felt_ like hours?

When they came upon a chain link fence, they had to decide which way to turn; clearly, the horses wouldn't have been able to get through.  Unless it was compromised somewhere... and really, they didn't even know if they were going the right way to begin with, since Spirit hadn't announced where the fuck he was headed.  Joel thought they should try the direction along the fence that was more backwards than forwards.  And after a time, like maybe half an hour, they were rewarded with the sound of a very distant gunshot.

"Finally, _some_ thing," Ellie said, relieved.

Joel called Sophie's name... nothing.  He fired another sky shot and glanced at Ellie.  "Could be hunters, you know.  Stay alert."

"Like... gun-in-hand-alert?"

"Sure.  Good idea."

Ellie pulled out the 9-millimeter with the hand that had been linked to Joel's off and on all night.  _Maybe he won't notice..._

He didn't notice immediately, but... this was Joel, so of course he was going to notice.  It didn't take long.  "What, now that's your gun hand, too?"

"Well... it's the one on this side, so."  _Like I might need to pull out the other one at the same time.  Yep._   She continued before he could wonder what sort of crazy logic she was employing.  "I use both hands when I fire, so what difference does it make?"

"What difference?  Jus' the moment it takes to switch to your trigger hand.  ...It's fine -- I've jus' never seen you carry it in your left like that, is all."

Ellie was a little surprised he'd skipped the _"one second can be the difference between life and death, Ellie"_ lecture.  If he thought she would take the hint and switch to her right, well... he was wrong.  She would've done it if she could.

But he continued to say nothing, so maybe he figured it was no big deal, since she was with him.  Or that the chances of that shot being fired by hunters were slim.  It _was_ the middle of the night, out in the middle of nowhere...

After they'd gone a little further and yelled again, Joel extended his arm in front of her to halt her in her tracks.  "You hear that?"

"No--"

"Listen..."

Ellie still couldn't hear anything.  "Uh..."

"Infected."

"Shit -- really?!"

They continued on, a little slower than before... and then Ellie heard the moaning, too.  There were tall trees surrounding them now, not densely packed like a 'real' forest, but not exactly as open as where they'd come from.  Their flashlights didn't pick up any sign of the beasts, though.

Joel gestured ahead to his left.  "I think there's a little valley over there, where the noise is comin' from... don' hear any Clickers, at least..."  They did come upon something that resembled a cliff, though it was nowhere near steep.  "Watch your step... there's one, see?"

Joel's light was shining on one below, a Runner ambling along with the trademark jerky motions that belied their strength.  Ellie scanned the area.  "I see three."

He set Spirit's saddle on the ground.  "Me too," he said quietly, near-whispering.  "Let's arrow 'em, yeah?"

She knew he meant for them to make a contest of it and alternate, like they'd done at times in the past in low-key encounters like this.  _Why can't we just ignore them and go on our way?_   Ellie bit her lip.  "Okay..." She lowered her voice to match Joel's.  "Um, you do it.  I'll just point the light... and keep a look out.  In case there's more."

Joel swung the bow off his shoulder and pulled an arrow from the quiver.  "Suit yourself.  If you're afraid I'll beat you again..."

Ellie snorted.  "Well, it's not fair if you go first and there's only three of them."

"Be my guest--"

"Oh, no."  Ellie stepped away from him as he tried to hand over the bow.  "Then when I beat you, you'll say it's only because I went first."

"I think you're afraid I'll win even if you do go first," Joel challenged.

Ellie did actually want to play this little game with him -- and he knew it.  She longed to show him up and hold it over his head until the next time, gloating whenever the urge struck.  If she lost, Joel wouldn't do the same to her; he was _supposed_ to beat her, after all.  _Fuck!  Why am I such an idiot?_   _This will be lame, but..._ she forced herself to yawn.  "No, you'd win cuz I'm exhausted."

Joel stopped teasing her and got down to business.  He didn't really need her light since his clip-on light was pointed straight ahead, so she kept watch like she'd said she would... and she also watched Joel at work.  She'd learned soooo much from him.  He liked to say he'd learned just as much from her, but when Ellie asked him _what_ he'd learned, he would only give a glib answer, like... the names, ages, and relationships of everyone in Jackson.  Or the _true_ lyrics to George Michael songs.

He killed the three Runners with four arrows. 

"Not bad," she said casually.

"You woulda done it in three, right?" Joel smirked.  "C'mon, let's get down there."

Only one of the arrows had broken.  Ellie had once asked Joel why they didn't try to repair the broken ones, just bind them up somehow, or maybe stick the head on a stick of similar length... _some_ thing.  It seemed like a waste to leave them.  He'd said it had something to do with aerodynamics... that the arrow wouldn't fly right if it wasn't perfect.

They didn't find anything useful down there, but right after they started trekking again, they found something unusual:  plums scattered on the ground.  "Joel... these must be ours!  There's no, like... grove of plum trees around here.  Is there?  How would they have..."

"I don' know, but clearly she got away, so try not to worry too much.  I have room in my backpack.  Here..."

Ellie sheathed her gun and started picking up the plums with one hand.  Joel didn't bother to take off his backpack, since he'd have to unload some weapons and saddle bags to get to it and all; she was going to deposit the fruit in the main compartment, but had to unzip it first.  Joel was helping her pick them up off the ground.  "Stand still a second, would you?" she said as she positioned herself directly behind him.  With the plums cradled inside her loose hoodie pockets, she tugged awkwardly at the zipper, then slipped them inside one at a time.  Joel tried to hand her what he'd picked up, and instead of letting him dump them into her hands with her palms serving as a bucket -- or, better than that, into a sort of net made by tugging the bottom of her hoodie forward with one hand -- she plucked them from him one or two at a time, trying to stand as far behind him as she could.

They repeated that until all of the plums were collected.  Joel seemed like he was going to say something a couple times, and then didn't.  Ellie was tempted to fire back a defensive _"What"_ anyway; it wasn't like she was doing anything _wrong_ in taking forever to do a simple task.  But she didn't want to answer the questions the remark might generate.  _Tomorrow, everything will be back to normal, and he'll never know._

The black of the sky had just started to melt into gray when their luck finally changed.  They shouted for Sophie again, and this time Ellie heard a faint call echo back to them.  "That was real, right?" she said excitedly.  "That sounded like a... I dunno..."  Maybe a _"Here!"_ cry?  It didn't sound like either of their names.

"It's gotta be her."  Joel started walking so fast that Ellie had to trot a little to keep up with him.

As they kept closing in, the yelling became more distinct.  Ellie definitely heard both of their names.  And when they got really close, Joel yelled an order to Sophie to stay put.  Ellie snickered to herself at the thought of Sophie moving in the wrong direction now.

Ellie thought she also heard a horse whinnying in the distance.  "Sophieeeeeeeee, where are you!"

_"Ellie!  Over here!"_

Ellie started running in that direction.  She'd just had a horrible image pop into her head of Sophie running right into Joel's arms, maybe even jumping on him, the way Ellie liked to do.  _I'M the only one allowed to do that, damnit!_  She felt a little guilty, having a thought as petty as that when the poor woman must have spent the whole night scared out of her mind... afraid of who might be out there, and of the possibility of never finding Ellie and Joel again.  The uncertainty must have been nerve-wracking.  Surely Sophie would be relieved to feel Joel's strong, comforting arms around her... Ellie knew all too well how good that felt, how _safe..._ and she shouldn't deny Sophie after whatever she'd been through.

_Well, clearly I'm a horrible person, because I can't allow that.  She'll have to be satisfied with me instead._   Joel was trotting behind her, but not running full speed ahead like Ellie was.

"Ellie!"  And there was Sophie, flailing her arms around to draw their attention -- as if her flashlight hadn't already done that.

Ellie _was_ truly glad to see her, and see her in one piece, at that.  She kept running, her fatigue magically gone now, and for a moment, she had a mad thought of flying at her the way she had with Joel, just to see what would happen, but logic prevailed, and she slowed to a near-stop before hurling herself into Sophie's arms, both of them squealing -- squealing like girls, as Joel would say.

"I'm sooooooooooo glad to see you guys!" exclaimed Sophie.  "You have no idea!"

She was hugging Ellie so tight that Ellie's guilt at depriving her of comfort from Joel multiplied.  _God, I'm such a bitch!_   "Are you okay?" she asked -- before Joel could ask it.  In keeping with the whole bitch thing.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I'm good -- you two are the ones that stayed and... dang, how many of those things did you have to kill?"  Sophie let go of her and took a step back.

Ellie pretended to think about that.  "Mmm, like... five hundred, maybe?"

Sophie's jaw dropped.  "No shit?  _Five hundred?"_

"Yep, me and Joel make a good team, though.  We just kept at it until there weren't any left."  Joel had just barely reached them; Ellie wondered if he'd even heard her ask Sophie if she was okay.  She quickly bounced over to him and put her arm around his waist.  "Isn't that right, Joel?"  Before he could answer or say anything to Sophie, Ellie turned back to Sophie.  "So where are the horses?  I heard them... or, one of them...?"

"They're back there."  Sophie waved a hand vaguely behind her.  "Both of them.  Secured, and they're not hurt or anything.  But holy guaca _mole_ that horse of yours is fast, Ellie.  I lost sight of him -- a couple times, actually -- but I think the darkness kinda salted his game." 

"Did he run all the way back here?" Ellie asked, incredulous even though she knew he was fast as the wind.  Satisfied that the time had passed for Sophie and Joel to have any kind of embrace now, Ellie stepped away from Joel.  She could have gladly stayed there glued to his side forever, but Sophie -- and even Joel -- might find it odd.

"Well, about that..." Sophie looked a little sheepish.

"You started going the wrong way, didn't you."  A statement, not a question.  But Ellie said it with a grin.

"I guess so, because you guys were coming from behind me just now.  I thought... well, it seemed like I remembered the moon being on _that_ side of us..."

"It _does_ move across the sky at night, you know," Joel said with amusement.

"Yeah, um, I guess I forgot that," Sophie said, wincing.  "God, I'm the world's biggest idiot.  I probably would have gone all the way back to Jackson before realizing it was the wrong way."

"It's not your fault," Ellie said kindly, the guilt making her somewhat generous (at least in a non-sharing-of-Joel way?).  "It's not like Spirit runs in a perfectly straight line or anything.  I'm sure he got you all turned around.  Oh!  And we found some plums on the ground -- by some more Infected -- did they attack you?"

"Oh! -- yeah, that was freaky!  They came out of nowhere, we didn't even see them until they were right on top of us... like they heard us just walking, I guess?  So Spirit took off again, yanking the reins right out of my hands -- and one of them started to grab at me!"

Joel started looking at her more closely then.  "... _at_ you?  Where?  They didn't..."

_Oh God -- what do we do if she's INFECT--_

"No, not like -- it wasn't me he grabbed -- I was riding Poppy, and tried to sort of kick him away, but that didn't really work -- it was just Poppy running away that broke him -- broke his hold on that one bag.  He didn't rip it, though -- some of them spilled out but we've still got a bunch."

"We're prob'ly so far back now we could go through that orchard again an' pick some fresh ones anyhow," Joel joked... at least, Ellie assumed it was a joke, because how could they have gone that far in one night?!

"Really?  You think so?" Sophie was aghast.

"He's kidding.  ...right, Joel?"

Joel chuckled.  "We've been walkin' a long time... but not _that_ long, no.  I'll look at the map tomorrow an' see if I can figure out if it makes more sense to change course a little now... go north around that mountain instead of south."

Ellie didn't see how the map could help with anything not related to roads and towns, but Joel was a bit more map-savvy than her.  And she hadn't even noticed a mountain on their horizon in any direction, so they couldn't be that close to it.  Or maybe it was just too fucking dark to tell mountains apart from sky?  _Or maybe I'm just too fucking tired!_   She didn't bother to stifle a big yawn...

...which triggered Sophie's.  "I'm with ya, kid.  No way was I going to sleep out here by myself.  I did stop moving, though... when I wasn't running into you two, I started thinking maybe it's not a good idea, that maybe you'd never find me if both of us were moving... like we might just miss each other..."

"Good thing, or we might never've caught up to you," said Joel, not unkindly.

"Did you guys kill the plum-grabbing Infected too?  I think there were like... four or five of them?"

"Oh yeah, we killed them -- and it was more like fifty," Ellie boasted.  "At least by the time we got there.  I don't know _where_ all these fucking things are coming from!"

Sophie's awe made Ellie want to crack up, but she managed to keep a straight face.  Sophie shook her head.  "Jeez Louise!  How did you... you didn't run out of bullets?  Do you really have that many in your bags?  And how can you... my _God_.  Two of you versus five hundred and fifty Infected.  I sure picked the right escorts for this!"

Of course, Joel had to spoil the fun.  "Well, maybe you did, but it wasn' nearly as difficult as Ellie's makin' it out to be."

" _Five hundred fifty_ ," Sophie repeated.  "How is that easy?"

"Because it was more like... ten or twelve."

"Or more.  Plus the three with the plums!" Ellie added.  "So maybe it was like... twenty, twenty-five."

"Math ain't your strong suit?" Joel teased as he mussed her hair -- which she never had bothered to fix after the fight (it was a little hard to do it one-handed anyhow), so it was a complete mess now.  "Smartass."

Sophie looked surprised for a moment, then she shoved Ellie playfully.  "You little shit!  I believed you!"

Ellie grinned.  "I didn't think you would, actually!"

"Trust me," Joel remarked to Sophie, "if we run into a group of five hundred Infected, we're fucked.  But I've never seen a horde that big, an' we ain't likely to out here."

They reunited with the horses... talked a little more, trading 'war stories,' as Joel would call them later... decided they were at a good enough a spot as any to camp for -- well, not the night, because dawn was already upon them.  Joel said they could take it easy and get their full amount of sleep if they could.  Ellie didn't think Joel would be able to sleep when it was light out, though.  He did at home, but not Outside.  And he was a little concerned that Spirit would test the breakaway feature of his lead rope whenever he wanted, now that he knew he could free himself from it.  Ellie said Spirit wouldn't do that, that he loved them and wanted to stay with them, and only ran away because he was freaked out; Joel said that was naïve and anthropomorphic.  It didn't really matter, because there was nothing they could do about it, unless they wanted to sleep in shifts.  Ellie and Sophie were open to that idea, Joel was just too stubborn or sexist or whatever.  If he wouldn't drop dead from exhaustion, Ellie suspected he might just forgo sleep altogether to protect them.

But Spirit seemed to be siding with Ellie -- he was perfectly calm now.  With the horses grazing nearby and Sophie settled in her tent, Joel and Ellie snuggled into their blankets, using the charred one to sleep on and the intact one as a cover.  Ellie was pretty fucking tired, and with Joel curled around her, she was cozy and warm.  It should have been easy to fall asleep, once she wound down a little.  But it felt like her hand was throbbing even more than before.  Maybe it was just more noticeable to her when she wasn't preoccupied with other things -- like walking, and looking for Sophie, and staying alive.  _I was right:  you're not going to let me rest, are you -- stupid hand!  You better be okay or Joel's gonna be pissed that I didn't tell him!_

Joel fell asleep before she did.  She listened to the peaceful rhythm of his breathing for who-knows-how long before finally drifting off herself, her fucking hand waking her every so often... she would guess it was any time she changed position.  But eventually, she must have fallen into a deeper sleep, because when she next woke up, the sun was out full blast, and Joel was gone.  Ellie could hear him and Sophie talking nearby, but they were too far away for her to make out what they were saying… so as not to wake her, presumably.  _I'd better not hear that fucking giggle of hers,_ Ellie thought sourly.  She pulled the blanket completely up over her head and, now that she could do so without Joel noticing, took her first good look at her bothersome hand.

"Oh, fuck!" she actually said out loud -- not like either of them were close enough to hear her.  She thought her palm might be a little bit red or something... it certainly was that, but it was also sprouting some big, ugly blisters.  _Now it's as ugly as my bite!_ Same arm, too... which might work in her favor... somehow... _but how am I going to hide this from Joel?  I can't tell him now after all these hours or he'll wonder why I kept it a secret..._ She didn't even know why herself, exactly.  _Except I thought it would just go away!_

Ellie decided she'd better just wrap the fucking thing up.  Joel's backpack _was_ right there beside her... maybe she could even do it under the cover of the blanket, and when Joel asked her what happened, she could casually say it was just a little cut and oh gee didn't he notice last night when she bandaged it up?  He must've been tired!

She managed to furtively slide a health kit from Joel's bag to beneath the blanket, but she heard footsteps -- _Joel_ steps -- coming her way before she could bind up the hand.  Quickly, she rolled onto her back and stuffed the bandage roll and the kit itself beneath her, shoving her gimpy hand in the pocket of her hoodie.

"Ellie?  Whatcha doin'?"

"Nothing... I just woke up... what time is it?"  She just liked to ask that, even though none of them had any clue what time it was, and they all had the same view of the sky to judge it by.

He pulled the blanket off her face.  "Good mornin', beautiful -- beautiful sleepyhead, that is.  It's time to... uh... tell me what you were actually doin'," he decided.  "What did you need out of my bag?"

_Can't I do ANYthing without the man noticing?_ Ellie grumbled to herself.  "Oh... I was just wishing you'd come back to bed cuz it's cold out here."  It totally didn't answer the backpack question, but...

"I knew it.  You only love me for my body heat."

Ellie grinned.  "Yep!  You know how in _Dawn of the Wolf_ the girl's like trying to decide between the vampire and the werewolf?  If she picks the vampire in the end, she's an idiot.  She'll never be warm again!  I'm glad you're a werewolf."

That amused him.  "I s'pose I'm hairy enough.  So that's the deciding factor, huh?  I better watch it if someone warmer than me comes along?"  To Ellie's delight, he actually climbed on top of her.  He wasn't in complete play mode; she caught him sneaking glances around, and not just in one direction, like he would if he was just keeping watch for Sophie to return.  But if he could multi-task...

Giggling a little, Ellie craned her neck to try to see where Sophie was.  "Yeah... good thing you're the hottest guy around!"

Joel chuckled.  "If you say so.  Sophie's... visitin' nature.  Jus’ peein', I think.  We can't really do nothin'... when she comes back, I'll pretend we're play-fightin' or somethin'."  He leaned in and started nuzzling her neck.  "I think you might prefer a vampire... the way you love havin' your neck kissed..."

She giggled again, then gasped in surprise when she felt him nibbling.  "Hey!  If you leave a mark--"

"Mosquito bites," Joel suggested.  But the nibbles turned into kisses that sent delicious little tinglies shoot all the way from her neck down to her toes, and then he sat up.  "I don' think I did it hard enough anyway."

"Aww, come back down here..."  She reached for him with her left hand, leaving the other one tucked safely under cover.

He grabbed her wrist.  "Good, at least now it looks a little more like we're playin'.  I'll jus' have to... tickle you, maybe..."

"Nooooooo!"  Ellie kind of hated being tickled.  Joel was too _good_ at it.  And if he made her pee her pants out here, who could say how long it would be before she could wash them decently?  He hadn't ever made her do that yet, but she feared the possibility anyway -- and she tried to make Joel fear it, too, hoping it would make him merciful.  "Joel, don't be mean.  Pretend to tickle me if you have to but don't actually do it!"

"All right... you can tickle me instead," he conceded.

"Very funny.  Like you're even ticklish."

"I'm tellin' you... you jus' have to find the right spot..."

Ellie snickered.  "That's so naughty.  What would Sophie think if she saw me groping you?"

"Ha!  You're the one with the dirty mind.  I was only thinkin' about... my stomach."

"Yeah, right!"  Although, to be fair, Ellie had never heard of anyone being ticklish in the dick.  _Maybe guys just don't advertise it if they are?!_

"You got the advantage -- you got the blanket on you.  Go on an' try."

"I can't unless you let go!"  Obviously he thought she would try with her free hand, but she tried to wriggle her left hand out of his grasp anyway.

"All right, well, if you can't manage to do it one-handed, I'm afraid you're at risk of attack..."

"I need the other hand for defense," Ellie declared.  "As soon as it comes off my side you'll grab it, and then you'll put both wrists together with one hand so you can tickle me with the other and all I can do is like jerk around in agony... and pee myself!"

"Hmm, that's a good idea... but I don' gotta wait for you to move that other hand..."  He started peeling the blanket back.

"No!  That's cheating!  You have to leave the blanket!"

"Says who?"

"Me!"

"I ain't got a blanket on _me_ for protection, so it's only fair that--"

"Noooooo!" she shrieked.  "Joel -- I'm serious -- don't--"

"You can't be serious -- you're laughin'..."

That was the most frustrating thing -- tickling _looked_ like fun because it made you laugh!  She twisted around on her other side so he couldn't grab her arm, but that left him free to tickle her left side.  He was such a tease about it, too, slowly nudging up the layers of clothing while she squirmed and giggled, and when he finally delivered the actual tickling touch, she curled in on herself and her right hand instinctively unearthed itself to try to push him away and cover the vulnerable skin.  He immediately stopped, and let go of her other hand. 

_Guess it was inevitable..._ "Well, at least I found a way to make you stop!" she joked as she caught her breath.

"Ellie, what's wrong with your hand?  Let me--"

"It's fine!"  He'd only seen the bandage... the as-yet-unsecured bandage that was threatening to unwrap itself.  She couldn't even curl her fingers around it to hold it because the motion was too fucking painful.  She crossed her arms so she could hide it in a natural-seeming way.  "It's just a little cut, no big deal."

"No big deal?  If you had to wrap it up, it must be bad enough to... you didn' even do it right, let me help you--"

"No!  See, I knew you'd criticize me, and overreact... that's why I didn't want you to see it.  I can take care of it."

Joel frowned.  "I wasn' criticizin'.  You're right-handed.  It's harder to--"

"I can do it, all right?  God!  Just leave me alone!"  He looked taken aback at that, and Ellie was a little surprised at herself, too... she wasn't angry with him.  _Why do I yell at him when I don't mean it?_  

"Jus' let me look at it, all right?  Can you tell me what happened?"

Ellie looked away from him.  Stared at some tree in the distance.  "It was during the fight.  It's _NO.BIG.DEAL._ "

"Mm.  So that's why you didn't wanna hold my hand."  She didn't say anything, and he sighed.  "I don' understand why you don' want me to see it."

"I just don't.  What's the big deal?"

"...is it a scratch or a bite?  From one of the Runners?  Does it--"

"No, it's not!  It's just-- it's--" Ellie groaned.  "It's just embarrassing, okay?"

"What?  Why?"

"It just is!"  Anyone else would've just dropped it by now.  _Why is he so fucking stubborn?!_

After another few moments of silence, Joel looked past Ellie and made a motion like he was waving someone over -- Sophie, obviously.  "Will you let Sophie tend to it then?  If you don' want me to see it?"

"No... ... ...maybe."  _Maybe I SHOULD do that..._ because the more suggestions she resisted, the bigger a deal it became.  Like it was some Huge Secret.  And she _would_ rather have Sophie see it than Joel...

"Jus' mind your sleeve, then.  C'mon... sit up."  Joel backed off of her, and Ellie obligingly pulled herself up.  Sophie's footsteps grew louder as she approached them.  "Sophie," Joel appealed to her, "maybe this is some... weird _girl_ thing that I'm too dumb to understand, but Ellie won' let me look at this cut she got.  Can you help her dress it, please?"

"Of course!"  Sophie knelt next to them.

"I can do it myself," Ellie insisted.  "Joel just wouldn't let me finish."

"Okay, whatever, we can do it together.  Joel... shoo!"  She made exaggerated shooing motions, and Ellie smiled.  At Sophie, but then at Joel, too... hoping he would pick up on the see?-I'm-totally-okay! vibe she was trying to project.

"All right, I'll jus' be... over here..."

Ellie watched him walk away, waiting until he was far enough away for her liking to unwrap the bandage.  "It's really no big deal.  Joel's such a drama whore sometimes."  _Because there's no way it's ME who's the drama whore!  Nope!_

Sophie giggled softly.  "I don't think I'd describe him quite that way... but, you do know him better than I do.  You got some clips or something for this... ?"

"Yeah, I got some out of the kit... right there..."  Ellie started re-wrapping her hand while Sophie found them.

"Wait, let me see it," said Sophie, taking Ellie's hand in hers.  "Did you wash it first?  I mean, at least splash some water on it?"

"No -- I mean, not right now, but last night, yeah," she lied.  _When would I have had time to do that without Joel noticing?_   But she didn't protest as Sophie undid the wrapping Ellie had just started to re-do... she glanced at Joel, who was still semi-far away, sort of...

Sophie pulled the bandage completely off and turned her palm over.  "Ohhh!" she gasped, stumbling a little as she quickly tried to scoot backwards -- which was awkward from a kneeling position.  She looked absolutely horrified.  "Ellie -- is this -- are you --"

_Shit!_   "No, it's not a bite!  I swear!  Look, there's no bite marks, see?"

"But it looks... Christ on a cracker, Ellie..."

And now -- _of course_ \-- Joel was rushing back over to them.  "What is it?" he asked before Ellie could think of a good reply to that bizarre cracker remark.

Sophie scrambled to her feet.  "Joel, you have to look, I think she's..."

Ellie gingerly tucked her hand into her armpit -- although she had to lift her other arm a little so the hand didn't actually touch anything, and that position wasn't sustainable.  "I'm not infected, okay?  It's just a burn!"  Joel looked confused, and she wondered if he was thinking that Sophie saw her arm.  She could have, if she'd pushed her sleeve up... _fuck, I'd better just show him before he assumes the wrong thing and blabs_.  Ellie held her palm up as if she were going to wave to him.  "See?"

"Holy shit..." He knelt down and took her hand in his, inspecting her palm carefully.

"I got it when... it was stupid.  I thought it would just be red for a while and sting a little or whatever.  It didn't have blisters on it last night!"  At least not right away.  "I thought it was nothing.  Really.  I mean, it _is_ nothing.  It'll heal real fast and it'll be fine."

Joel didn't seem to believe her.  He examined it with concern that she hoped was just his overprotectiveness kicking in.  "How did you get it?"

"I told you, it was stupid."  _Can't we just leave it at that?!_

"That's... not an explanation."  He looked her in the eye.  "Tell me, please."

Ellie sighed and looked away.  "I saw your leg was on fire and I just wanted to... put it out.  The only thing around was the blanket, which was also on fire... the one end of it was... so I was trying to hold that end away from you while I used the good end... I guess I should've just used my clothes but I was kind of panicked, it would've taken too long to -- I thought it was going to burn you real bad and that you were prob'ly in pain but as usual you were only thinking of me so you didn't even bother to try to put it out yourself -- you just grabbed that Runner, and... I'm just dumb, all right?"

"Wow," Sophie breathed.  "Seriously?  You burned yourself to save him... that's like something out of one of my books!  It's not stupid at all... it's _brave_."

"It was an accident!  And it _was_ stupid, because he didn't even feel it, and I guess fire doesn't burn through denim all that fast and maybe I didn't even have to do anything and he would've been okay."  Joel was being so quiet that Ellie still couldn't look at him, for fear of what she might see in his face.  She could feel her own face catching fire now, and the blush was hotter than the actual burn.

"You didn't know that, though," Sophie continued.  "All you knew was he was in danger and you had to help him.  And you didn't care if you got hurt yourself."

_Sophie thinks stupidity is amazing?!_  Ellie snorted.  "Well, I could've done it without accidentally sticking my fucking hand on the burning part.  What kind of dumbass does that?"

"It was brave," she insisted.  "And selfless.  And incredible.  Joel's lucky to have you looking out for him."

Ellie felt the praise was unwarranted, but she couldn't help feeling somewhat pleased, even while completely red-facedly embarrassed.  She still didn't dare sneak a glance at Joel to try to guess what he was thinking, though.  She pulled her hand away from his.  "Whatever.  Um, I have to pee, so if you guys will excuse me..."

Joel put his hand on her shoulder to prevent her from getting up.  "Sophie... give us a minute?"

Sophie mussed Ellie's hair on her way off to... wherever.  Ellie wondered why people liked to do that.  She herself did it to Clicker sometimes, too, without really knowing why.  You had to be taller than the person or it was sort of ridiculous.  She couldn't really do it to Joel, unless he was sitting when she walked by him or something.  Ellie would have kept pondering stupid shit like this for a while, but she couldn't keep ignoring Joel when he was saying her name, trying to get her to look at him.  She steeled herself and finally looked in his direction, if not directly at him.  "I know it was stupid, okay?  If you didn't just hear me say that a hundred times."

"You think I'm gonna lecture you?"  He didn't _appear_ to be in lecture mode, although with Joel, sometimes it was hard to tell.  Obviously, since he'd framed the question that way, he wasn't.

"Aren't you?" she said anyway.

"No.  Why couldn' you jus' _tell_ me?" he asked gently.

"Because." She looked away again.  "Um... I don't know!  I just didn't feel like it."

"You're actin' like... it's somethin' to be _ashamed_ of, or... did you think I'd be mad?"

She shrugged.  "Disappointed, maybe?"  It came out in a whisper, and the pang in her heart suggested that it was close to the truth.

"I could never be disappointed in you, baby girl.  An' this... Sophie's right.  It was really brave.  You're pretty amazin', you know that?"

"Shut up, I am _not_ ," Ellie muttered, bowing her head as far down as it could go because she was sure her face must be so red now that it was... like, _purple_ or something.

"Let me see your hand again."  She didn't offer it to him, but didn't resist when he took it in his.  "Does it hurt real bad?"

"Not real bad, no."  It hurt maybe a smidge less than it did last night.

"But it does hurt, yeah?"

"I guess."  _Is he TRYING to make me sound like a baby and whine about how much it hurts?_

"That's good.  Stay put.  I'm gonna clean it for you.  Hang on..."  The kit was right there, but he wanted to fetch something from a different bag.

_Okay, stupid red face, go back to your normal color now, please... and did he just say it's GOOD that it hurts?_ Ellie looked at her palm.  There were three fairly big blisters, a couple of baby ones... the biggest one extended up just past the base of her index finger.  It really did look like the hand of an infected person.  The skin around the blisters was red and crimpled-like.  On her first two fingers a little, too.  _Is it more serious than I wanted to believe?  What if I can never use this hand again?  I can learn to shoot better with my left, I guess... but there's so many things that are way easier with two hands.  I'll be like... CRIPPLED.  Cripples don't survive very long.  Unless they're in Jackson... we even have a wheelchair guy in there... but that's different.  And we're not in Jackson anymore.  I'm with Joel, so... he'll keep me safe... but who will keep HIM safe?  And what if we get split up?  Is the fucking thing going to shrivel up and like... fall off?!  What if--_

"Okay, kiddo, give me your hand.  I'm gonna clean it up as best I can.  You let me know if it hurts too bad, all right?  I'll try to be gentle."

Ellie saw that he'd brought over one of their oatmeal bowls, and the thing that purified their water.  It was transparent, so she could see they'd used up about half of the water they'd last picked up.  He'd brought over a bar of soap, too.  She watched him wash his hands, rinsing them with some of the precious water.  "You gotta keep this hand real clean,” he told her.  “If those blisters break, it can get infected real easy.  You weren't usin' this hand at all after this happened, right?  That's why... with the plums... that's good.  Wish you'd've let me know last night, though, so we could've cleaned it then.  I think the bandages we got are... well, not the best kind for burns, but they're all we got.  We ain't at home, where it'd be easier to keep clean, so I think we should still bandage it.  That okay with you?"

It took her a couple seconds to register that he was asking for her input.  "Um... yeah, whatever you say.  I'm no expert."

"I ain't, either.  Pretty sure that's a second-degree burn, though."

"Second, out of how many?"  She kept staring at her hand, rather than look at him.

"Three."

"So... third is like, the charbroiled Infected last night."

"Yes, like that.  Skin completely gone.  Nerve damage... but since this hurts, your nerves ain't shot."

It seemed like second-degree would be pretty bad if it was just a step down from _that._   "Maybe it's only first?"

"First is like a sunburn.  This looks a little worse than a sunburn, don'tcha think?"

She nodded.  "I'm sorry," she said in a small voice.

"What for?"

"For... all this.  For getting hurt."

"Ellie, don' be silly.  Shit happens.  There... does that hurt?"

She winced a little when he touched the puffy skin, though a groan or even just a gasp would've been more honest.  "Not really."  He kept asking her if it hurt when he did this-or-that, and she kept answering as casually as she could.  She didn't need to hide the pain now, and yet... she did.  Not just because she was trying to downplay the severity of it out of embarrassment at her own stupidity, or to make Joel think she was tough... not even just so that Joel wouldn't worry.  She just got the feeling sometimes that her pain hurt _him_ more than it hurt her -- a noble reason to hide it, except that it still came down to not wanting to feel worse herself.  _If my pain hurts him, and his hurts me, then him feeling my pain only comes back to bite me, so I'm hurt all the worse in the end... how's that for selfish!_   Ellie had always felt like physical pain was easier to deal with than emotional, so she told herself to suck it up.  When Joel applied some antiseptic from the first aid kit, it hurt like a _bitch_ \-- as he'd warned her it would -- but she gritted her teeth and did her best to ignore the white-hot sensation of -- _it doesn't hurt it doesn't hurt it doesn't fucking HURT--_

"Sorry, kiddo, I know that hurts... you all right?"

_No!  ...yes, of course I am..._ making Joel feel bad wouldn't help matters.  "It's fine.  Really, Joel, it's not that bad."  _But I'm glad the worst is over!_

When her hand was completely wrapped, he thought he might have made it too tight, and he re-did it.  Then he thought it might be too loose.  He went back to the tighter wrapping.  "We'll just air it out some on breaks... an' maybe when it heals up a little more, move the skin around the blisters a little.  Keep the scar tissue from hardenin' up too much.  All I know for sure is you do _not_ wanna pop those blisters.  They're there for a reason.  All right?  ...Ellie?"

"Right."

"Did you hear what I said?"

"Don't pop the blisters," she recited dully.  _And pray it doesn't get infected because if it does, I'm fucked?_   After a moment, she felt his hand caress her cheek.

"You're gonna be all right."

_Is he reading my mind?_  She bit her lip.  "How do you know?"

" 'Cause I know."

Although she didn't want to burden Joel with anything she didn't have to, she figured she could be a little less... _brave,_ or whatever the fuck it was that she was trying to be.  She met his gaze warily for a moment before looking away again.  "What if I can't ever use this hand again?"

"It's gonna heal up jus' fine.  Good as new.  Don' worry."

"But you don't know for sure.  You're not a doctor."

"We'll take care of it, an' it'll be fine."

"How long will it take?"

"That, I don' know.  As long as it takes."

She smiled a little at that familiar Joel-ism.  "Thanks for... everything."

"Thank _you_ , baby girl.  Shit... do you know how bad I wanna kiss you right now?" he said in a near-whisper.

Her smile widened.  "How bad?"

"...Bad," was all he said.

_"How_ bad?" She looked at him.  That little smile on his face right now... Ellie wanted to kiss him pretty bad herself!

"Really damn bad."

She giggled.  "Good."

"I know you like torturin' me."

"Yep!"

And then, without warning, he sobered.  "What you did... for me..."

"Joel, shut up, okay?"  She felt like he'd tricked her into looking at him -- but now that she was, she didn't look away.  "If our roles were reversed, you would've been smart about it... you would've put both fires out, and not gotten burned yourself -- _and_ killed that Runner, all at the same time.  Without thinking twice."

Joel shook his head.  "That's the thing... it didn' happen because you were stupid.  It happened 'cause all you were thinkin' about was me.  Helpin' me."

"Well... duh.  I love you," she said lightly.

"You sure do."  He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead, for much longer than the usual forehead peck.  His hand tangled itself up in her hair.  "I love you, too.  I wish you wouldn' put yourself in danger on my behalf, but I don' have the heart to lecture you 'bout that.  I expect it wouldn' do much good anyhow."

She leaned into him and closed her eyes.  "Nope, it wouldn't.  Any more than if I lectured you on the same thing."

"I'm sorry you got hurt on account of my dumb ass, fallin' through the fire."

He moved to pull away from her, but she kissed his cheek and wrapped her arms around his neck first.  _He's so fucking CUTE!_   "Uh, you were _fighting_ \-- the guy pushed you and stuff... it's a little different!"

He held her there, gently rocking her a little.  "Well, I'm sorry anyhow."

"Mmm... I'll let you make it up to me."  She wanted to climb fully into his lap, rather than just leaning over, but she didn't dare do that now.

"Good.  Whatever you want," he murmured.

"Whatever I want?  Like, _anything?"_

"Mmhmm."

"You promise?"  _That's dangerous, Joel!_

"I promise.  You can spend the rest of the trip thinkin' up ways for me to make it up to you."

"Oooo, I like the sound of that!"  Ellie could _so_ abuse him with such a promise.  She probably wouldn't, in the end... _but it sure is fun to think about..._


	34. The Girl Who Cried Wolf

**Day 9**

Ellie's hand felt better two days later... but didn't _look_ much better, and didn't appear to be very functional -- not that Joel would even let her _try_ to use it -- so she was grateful that the only Infected they'd come across in that time was a single dormant Clicker.  Joel liked to say they were hibernating when they just stood there, heads bowed, not moving... not unlike a sleeping horse.  Spirit didn't even go all crazy; in fact, he didn't even seem to know it was there.  Ellie thought animals had really keen senses of smell, much better than humans, so surely he _must_ have known it was there... Joel speculated that he didn't see it as a threat because it wasn't looking to attack.  Ellie liked to think that Spirit simply trusted them to be able to handle such a dinky encounter.

Armed with a shiv (as he was overly fond of using the things), Joel had ordered a very scared Sophie to follow him as he crept up behind the Clicker.  Ellie had wanted to go too, if only to not be left behind, but it was better that she stay with the horses, just in case.  It was just one fucking Infected -- what could go wrong?

Nothing, as it turned out.  He stabbed its throat while Sophie watched.  After it crumpled to the ground, he even lifted it back up to try to repeat it in slow motion for her (which didn't work very well), showing her again where to stab.  Ellie had tried not to be jealous, watching the lesson.  She couldn't hear what Joel was saying from where she was, but she could see his movements... the animated gesturing while he talked... she could imagine his words.  Always, the doubt was there, lurking beneath the surface... the 'what if's... _maybe he'll get tired of me, and he'll realize he has more fun with her than with me, and that will be the beginning of the end..._ which was ridiculous, of course.  Too ridiculous to annoy Joel with.  _I know I shouldn't be thinking such bullshit, so I just have to ignore it._

Sophie had come back to the horses shuddering, saying she didn't know if she could do it -- that Joel only made it _look_ easy.  But he'd given her a shiv anyhow.  _"Just in case."_ Ellie had assured her that she wouldn't have to use it.  That she and Joel would take care of everything... that it was their job, after all.  _They_ were the bodyguards.

She'd said it as much for Joel's benefit as for Sophie's, hoping he'd hear the unspoken _"killing Infected is a you'n'me thing, not you'n'her, and don't you forget it."_   Of course, Ellie was a little gimpy right now... when she asked Joel if that was why he'd given their _client_ a lesson on killing them, he said that wasn't the reason -- that he felt like she ought to know for her own good, or _JUST IN CASE_ \-- but Ellie wasn't sure she believed him.

Ellie also didn't like how much water Joel was wasting on caring for her hand, mostly in washing his own hands every time he unwrapped it.  She was willing to not touch it herself for the simple fact that then she'd have to let him wash her left hand and waste even _more_ clean, drinkable water.  He would insist it wasn't being wasted, and he promised that running out of water wouldn't be a problem because according to the map, they'd be coming to a dam soon, and according to recent scouting reports, this one still had water in it.

And he'd certainly kept that promise -- they were approaching the dam right now!  American Falls Dam, Idaho.  It was only late afternoon... too early to make camp for the night, but Joel said this was a good place to stop and they could just cut the day a little short.

It was officially abandoned, as they had expected it to be -- as in, no longer functioning as a dam, but there was a ton of water in the reservoir.  The structure definitely looked more decrepit and sad than Jackson's.  Joel insisted on checking the place thoroughly -- alone -- to make sure it was abandoned _unofficially_ as well before they did anything there.  Ellie was already tired of being a cripple.  If her competence was the one thing she had over Sophie, and now she didn't even have _that_ anymore...

_It's not the only thing,_ she reminded her stupid brain.  _We also have history!_   Over a year's worth.  She'd saved Joel's life last winter, and he loved her for it.  Plus, Tommy said she was the one who had made Joel care about life again, after twenty fucking _years_ of... well, _not_ caring.  That was longer than she'd even been alive!  Whoever he cared about from here on out wouldn't have that.  It was all hers.

Joel beckoned them over to a building he'd confirmed as safe.  It reminded Ellie of a castle, only smaller... like a castle-cottage, overlooking the reservoir.  They deposited most of their stuff in the area that served as a bedroom.  It had bunk beds -- just like 'their' dam! -- lined up against three of the walls.  Single bunks... _maybe I should let Joel have his own bed,_ Ellie mused.  There'd be barely any room to move with both of them squeezed into one of those.  _That doesn't sound so bad to me... ha.  Maybe I should start out in the top bunk, though, so Sophie doesn't try to sleep above us?  Once she's all settled in some other bunk she won't come over.  Or I could wait until she falls asleep.  She usually falls asleep before me, I think? ...when I've noticed, anyway... hmm, I guess I wouldn’t notice if I go first… but if I'm trying to sleep without Joel beside me, it's going to take longer to drift off, I'm sure of it.  I'll just have to find a way to let Joel in on the--_

"Earth to Ellie?  Hellooooo?"  Sophie waved a hand in front of Ellie's face.

"What?"

"You were so zoned out, looking at the bed.  It _will_ be nice to sleep in a real bed again, huh.  Been a few nights.  So are you coming?"

"Coming where?"

"To take a bath in the lake!  Reservoir.  Whatchamacallit."

"Um... yeah, okay... where'd Joel go?"

"He went down there already.  We could wear our suits... but that's just one more thing to have to dry, right?  If we're only gonna be in there a few minutes... although... hmm.  Since we're gonna make camp here and it's still early, maybe we can wash our clothes while we're at it, huh?  I don't think I've ever felt so stinky and gross in my life."

Ellie snorted.  "Try crossing the country in summer some time... like, through places that actually get really hot, unlike here."

"Hey, Reno was pretty warm.  But at least we could shower there."

"Didn't you get all gross on your trip to Jackson?"  Ellie continued before she could answer.  "Wait, you said Joel went down?  Like... to take a bath too?"

"I wish," Sophie said with an impish giggle that made her seem younger than her forty years.  "Sorry.  He said we're going first and he'll stand watch.  That that's how you guys always did it.  Didn't you hear anything I said before?"

"I guess not."  Ellie chuckled at herself.  And she wondered why Sophie said 'sorry' like that... _did I look annoyed?  I'm not.  She can wish all she wants, she'll never have Joel.  He's MINE MINE MINE._ Ellie was pretty good at talking back to that stupid doubting voice in her head... sometimes.

They each made sure to put a change of clothes in their back packs, Sophie helping Ellie with hers, and they found Joel waiting for them outside.  He indicated that they should use a corner of the reservoir with gigantic concrete walls on two sides, and he would hang out around the corner, out of sight, near the picketed horses.  He could keep an eye on almost the entire area from there, just not the far side of the water where the wall obstructed his view.  If anyone happened to approach from that side, the girls could yell for him. 

"Sophie, you go on ahead," he said.  "I'm gonna take Ellie's bandage off."  Joel waited for her to amble away before taking Ellie's hand.  "If you'd rather go by yourself... 'cause of your bite..."

Ellie snickered.  "Well, I'd _rather_ go with you... that would solve the problem..."

"Not an option, kiddo."  But he smiled a little. 

"I'll just keep my shirt on.  I wanna wash it anyways... I can work around it."

"I don' know about that... we can jus' say you're shy or somethin'..."

He was taking his sweet time unwrapping her hand, Ellie thought.  " _'We'_ nothing.  You're not going around this corner now."

"No?" He was amused, she could tell.  He wouldn't usually admit it, but he sure seemed to like it when Ellie got bossy.

"No way!  She's prob'ly standing there naked, not even getting in the water, hoping you'll come around that corner and see her, and... I dunno... like, get so overcome with lust that you have to go fuck her right there?"

Joel laughed at that -- like, a legitimate, hearty laugh.  "What?!  Ellie, where do you get this shit from?"

She smiled, secretly glad he found the idea so ludicrous -- because she could totally picture it, and it was not a welcome image.  "She's not exactly bashful, you know."

"No, she sure ain't," Joel agreed.

"I'm not, either," Ellie added.

He smirked a little.  "You can be."

"Not anymore!  A long time ago, maybe."

Joel gently massaged the skin around her blisters (the injury _was_ a good excuse for them to 'hold hands'... sort of).  "A week ago?  That's a long time?"

"Yes!  I'm more mature now."  Ellie tried to remember what time he might be thinking of, if there was anything specific.

"That's too bad."

"What?!  No it's not!" Ellie laughed.  Although it was true that sometimes Joel didn't seem to want her to get older... which was so counterintuitive to the whole age difference problem in his mind that Ellie didn't get it.

"I like it when you're shy," Joel said quietly.

"Yeah, right... um, really?  You do?"

"Why wouldn' I?"

"Because... it's sexier _not_ to be?"  _Duh!_

"Says you, maybe."  Joel let go of her hand.  "Go on.  Tell her you'll take a turn later if you want."

That would only give Sophie more alone time with Joel.  No need for that!  "It'll be okay -- maybe I'll keep my shirt on... or, I'll just be in the water most of the time anyways... and it's not like she'll be looking at me much."  _Because I'm not a hot guy... I'm not YOU._

"All right, then... I'll see you in a bit.  Take your time.  Be careful with your hand."

Ellie gave him a quick kiss on the lips -- partly to see if he would protest, which he didn't -- and headed to the designated bathing area.  To her surprise, Sophie was still mostly dressed; she'd only taken off her socks and shoes (she'd wisely left the cowboy hat up in the bedroom), and unbraided her hair.  She was just sitting near the water.  "You didn't have to wait for me," said Ellie as she dumped her bag on the ground.

Sophie gave a little shrug as she stood up.  "I got time.  Besides, if the plan changed, I didn't wanna be sitting here naked."

"Oh you didn't?" Ellie let her tone imply that she clearly didn't believe Sophie would mind that in the slightest.  She plopped to the ground to take off her own socks and shoes.

Sophie either didn't pick up on the challenge in her voice or didn't care to address it.  "How cold you think that water is?" she asked as she unbuttoned her jeans.

"Fucking _cold,"_ Ellie replied.  "Like everything else in this part of the country."

"Do you need some help?"

"I got it."  _But you go first..._ Ellie _was_ actually a bit shy about getting semi-naked with Sophie, she realized.  They'd gone pee together and all, but not right next to each other, and usually they could each pick a shrub or rock or something to hide behind.  She decided she would dawdle until Sophie got in the water... maybe even ask her to turn her back when Ellie got in... or would that be _more_ embarrassing, drawing attention to her embarrassment?

Ellie tried to focus only on removing her own clothing, but she found herself strangely tempted to look at Sophie.  Like... to _watch_ her.  _What kind of fucking pervert wants to do that?_

Sophie started taking inventory (and Ellie wondered why she hadn't done that _before_ getting naked... if she was indeed naked by now? _don't look don't look_ ).  "Okay, we've got shampoo... soap... razor... towel... toothbrush... toothpaste..."

Ellie decided it was okay to look at the woman while she was speaking.  Yes, she was naked, her back towards Ellie -- giving Ellie a good view of her ass.  It was a decent ass, Ellie had to admit.  She'd noticed that before.  It looked firm, and... like it was better-shaped than Ellie's.  Rounder.  Pleased though Ellie was that her own ass wasn't as flat as it used to be -- she'd gained a little weight in Jackson, and that had helped her out in the boobs and ass department -- Sophie's still looked... _better_.  More womanly.

"Are you sure you don't need help?" Sophie asked again, twisting around to look at her.

That gave Ellie a profile view of one of Sophie's breasts.  She quickly looked away.  She could feel herself blushing.  _Because of COURSE.  Stupid fucking red face!_   "I'm slow, but I can do it.  Um, thanks anyway."

"I haven't shaved since the day we left... my legs are like a forest," Sophie said with a chuckle, running a hand up one leg.  "A prickly forest."

Ellie couldn't see the hair from where she was sitting, so it couldn't be _that_ bad.  She stood up and started to un-do her pants.  "Why bother shaving when you're gonna be wearing pants all the time?" asked Ellie, glancing at her again now that Sophie was examining her hairy legs (and thus, wouldn't notice her looking... _what a fucking perv!_ ).  "The beach is still like, what... a month away?"

"Because I can't stand it, that's why.  I still have to see them when I pee."

"So?"  _IT'S NOT LIKE JOEL'S GOING TO BE TOUCHING THEM_ , Ellie screamed in her head.  And why else would Sophie care, really?

Sophie stood upright, and Ellie averted her gaze again.  "So... it's just a thing.  I dunno.  If I don't shave, the hair's gonna get so long it won't even be prickly, and then... you're right, it doesn't really matter -- I guess I'm just vain or something.  You probably don't even have to shave yours yet, huh."

Ellie could feel Sophie's gaze on her now as she stepped out of her jeans.  "Of course I do!  I'm not a little kid."  Although Joel had commented that her leg hair was soft, not prickly... he didn't seem to mind it, so she didn't shave all that often.  She sort of forgot about it most of the time.  And on this trip, she always had pants on, even in bed.

"Did you bring a razor?" asked Sophie.

"No... Joel did, so I figured..."

"I mean down here, to the water.  You can use mine if you want."

"Okay."  _Fuck!_   Ellie had gotten a good view of Sophie's front, and it was... a beautiful view, to her dismay.  Her boobs weren't really that big -- but just like everyone else's on the planet, they were bigger than Ellie's.  She had these perfect-looking little pink nipples... _darker pink than mine... are hers a more normal color?  If there IS such a thing?_   Ellie pulled her long-sleeved tee up over her head, lingering over her flaming face to buy herself another few seconds to calm the fuck down _and why do I need to calm the fuck down anyway... and why did I decide to take my shirt off at all..._ she tried not to wonder what one of those rosy nipples would feel like.  _-in comparison to my own -- that's the only reason.  Yeah._

"I won't bother with... this."  Sophie snickered.

Mindful of the angle of her scarred arm, Ellie dropped the shirt on the ground.  It really wasn't that hard to hide her arm from one person at a time.  She just couldn't go swimming in groups of people where she had more than one angle to consider -- and she had to constantly remember to do it.  "Bother with what?"

Sophie gestured at her crotch.  "Don't worry, I won't touch it with this razor that I'm sharing with you.  It doesn't bother me like my legs do."

Ellie couldn't help but look at what the woman was drawing her eye to... _right?  That's not perverted..._   The triangular thatch of dark hair was denser than Ellie's.  She didn't realize you were supposed to shave off your pubic hair.  But now that Sophie mentioned it... maybe she _had_ seen some articles referring to it in some of those confusing magazines.  _Fuck!  Why didn't Joel say anything?  That's like... walking around with a booger on your face or something_.  Riley hadn't told her about that, either.  Maybe she hadn't known.  Maybe _Joel_ didn't know... but how could he not?!  He used to be _married,_ for fuck's sake. 

_Come to think of it... I HAVE caught him kind of staring before... was he laughing inside, or trying to think of how he should tell me?!_  She was annoyed with him for not mentioning it to her.  Maybe it was awkward, but how many other fucking awkward things had they talked about?!  Joel had pubic hair... but men had hair all over the place and it was totally acceptable.  If Ellie never shaved her legs _ever_ , they still wouldn't be half as hairy as Joel's.  There were different rules for women.  Like, she shaved her armpit hair, but Joel didn't shave his.

She tried not to stare at Sophie... _too_ much... _I should say something in response to that little announcement about not shaving down there... or did I wait too long and now it's awkward?  No, I should still say something..._ she tried to make her voice sound normal.  "Um... yeah, who cares?  No one'll see it, right?"  _And no way am I taking off my underwear now! Nope, no, uh-uh.  If Sophie grew that much hair back in... like, less than two weeks? -how lame is it that I've NEVER shaved mine and there's still less of it?  …not that Sophie KNOWS I don’t know about shaving it… she could just think that I—_

_No.  I’m still not taking them off.  Just cuz._

Sophie dipped her pretty little foot in the water and immediately withdrew it.  "Holyyyyy _mother_ it's cold... eeeeiiish!"

"Don't yell too loud or Joel will come over here," Ellie scolded her.  She grabbed her own hygiene products and joined Sophie at the edge.  She would go in wearing her bra and panties, and hope that Sophie didn't ask her why.

Sophie giggled.  "And that would be bad because... ?  Hahaha -- no worries, I wouldn't do that to you."

"To me?"

" 'Cause you're shy."

_Why does SHE think I'm shy?  Have she and Joel discussed this or something?!_   "I'm not!  God.  It's just... I mean, that would be... like... awkward as fuck."

"Yeah, I know.  I certainly wouldn't've wanted _my_ dad to see me naked.  I knooooow -- don't say it, he's not your dad.  Whatever.  Not that you're even naked."  Sophie stuck her foot back in the water and kept it there.  She gasped at the coldness, but withheld a shriek, at least. 

Ellie swallowed the urge to boast to Sophie that she and Joel had seen each other naked plenty of times.  "I'm naked enough."  _I need to wash my bra and panties anyway, right?  Yes._   Although she had brought several pairs of panties with her on this trip -- a luxury Joel had tried to overrule her on until she'd started talking about 'feminine troubles' (that really _was_ such a great excuse to use for a variety of things, because how could Joel argue with her when he didn't know _shit_ about that?).

"I can help you take your bra off," Sophie offered.  "Can't do that kind very well one-handed."

_Nooo!_   "No, I'm going to wash it anyways... like, while it's on me..."  Hopefully it wouldn't take forever to dry out.  It was her sports bra, because that one had no hooks and was comfortable enough to sleep in.  Maybe Joel would help her take it off if it was still wet when they went to bed... after Sophie fell asleep... _sounds like a plan to me!_

There was a concrete ramp-like thing surrounding and leading into the water where they could sit to brush their teeth and shave their legs and pits, but the ramp ended a little past the water's edge -- then it was a straight shot down, right into deep water.  Ellie laid out her stuff near Sophie's at the edge, stealing a glance or two at Sophie as the woman eased herself into the water... _like a girl_ , she thought (she could borrow Joel's sexism when it suited her).  "Dude, you just have to go for it.  All the way in.  It sucks for a minute but then it's over.  Didn't you take any lake baths on your way to Jackson?"

"I had Nick to keep me warm.  But yeah, I was a big baby about it then, too.  It's just... So. Cold!" She shivered, and Ellie was close enough to her now to see the goosepimples uglifying her pretty flesh.

_Quit thinking about how pretty she is_ , Ellie commanded herself.  She had no reason to feel jealous.  She had Joel, and Sophie didn't.  That was that.  But... she _didn't_ feel jealous, exactly... _well, what else would it be?  Has to be jealousy.  Duh.  So just... stop it._

_...and definitely do NOT look at her nipples right now -- JESUS, ELLIE!_

Ellie trotted right past Sophie into the water, quite forgetting about the sudden drop they'd already observed.  She plunged right in, and the cold assaulted her entire body -- luckily she managed to hold her breath before inhaling the icy water as she sank.  ...okay, not exactly _icy_ , but it might as well have been!  She kicked for the surface and gasped for air.

"Girrrrrrllll... you're crazy!"  Sophie was sitting near the edge of the 'cliff' with her butt in the water, knees pulled up to her chest, shivering.

"That's -- how it's -- done!" Ellie choked out between gasps.  _Yep, tooootally meant to do that._

"I guess this is nothing compared to that bridge you jumped off of in Boston, huh?"

"Pittsburgh," Ellie corrected.  That really _had_ been a little bit crazy.  "How do you -- know about that?"  Although there was only one way she could know...

"Joel," Sophie stated the obvious.  "He said you're the bravest person he knows.  And back then, you couldn't even swim!  Jeez Louise."

Ellie wondered when they'd been discussing that, but didn't care enough to ask.  "Well... we were gonna _die_ and all, I sort of had no choice... hey, since you're sitting there, can you toss me that shampoo?"

The toss fell pitifully short, so Ellie paddled in closer.  "The water's not that bad.  I'm already used to it.  Come in already!"  She still felt cold, but not paralyzingly so.  This would be so much easier if she could stand, but even Joel wouldn't be able to stand in this.  At least she could use her gimpy hand to help keep herself afloat while her other hand did all the work of washing her hair.

Sophie scooted a fraction closer.  "I'm getting used to it my way.  Slow-like."

Ellie bit back a snarky remark at that.  "~Whatever~" she sing-songed, then in a stage-whisper, she added, "Wuss."

"I'm--" Sophie started to protest, but then relented.  "...a total wuss.  If I give you my hand, can you just pull me in?"

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "That doesn't make you not-a-wuss, you know.  That just makes me the bad guy."  She squirted shampoo on her head, then dropped the bottle in the water and nudged it to float in Sophie's direction.

"That's okay!  C'mon, Ellie... help me grow some balls!"

Ellie giggled.  "That would be an awesome power to have!"  _Pretty sure Joel doesn't like balls -- I'd have NOTHING to worry about then._   "Just... fucking come _in_ , it's not that hard!"

"It iiiiis, though," Sophie whined, extending her hand to Ellie with a pleading expression on her face that _almost_ made Ellie give in.

Almost.

Instead, Ellie stopped lathering her hair and dropped her arm back into the water.  She pulled her elbow back beneath the surface, as if she were drawing her bow, then launched an 'arrow' of water at Sophie -- the biggest splash she could manage.

Sophie actually screamed -- _like a girl_ \-- and _still_ didn't get in the fucking water! 

"Sophie!" she chided her.  "You're only supposed to scream if--" Horrified at a sudden thought, Ellie lunged forward and grabbed the closest part of Sophie she could reach -- her leg, since her hand was no longer extended.  She didn't even think she'd have time to finish that sentence before Joel would be coming around the corner with his gun drawn.  She yanked Sophie quite un-gently into the water... which produced another (quieter) scream, but at least now all of Sophie's womanly bits were covered.

"What happened?" she heard Joel's voice asking.

_Yep!  So predictable._  She just hoped he hadn't seen anything; the last thing she needed was him comparing her childish body to Sophie's sexy one.  She turned and saw him surveying their surroundings, gun in hand.  "Joel!  Get outta here!  I've got it covered!"  _...literally!_

"What the hell were you--"

"Ellie was -- helping me grow -- some balls!" Sophie offered by way of explanation.  She was treading water beside Ellie.  She'd managed not to go under when Ellie tugged her in, but that well-aimed splash had done the job of drenching her head.

"Or I was _trying_ to," Ellie said, now slightly amused by the annoyed look on Joel's face.

Sophie put her hand on Ellie's shoulder, for some reason Ellie couldn't fathom.  "You could've -- just yelled, you know!" Sophie called to Joel.  " _Fuck-it's-coooold,_ " she muttered to Ellie, then shouted back at Joel, "From over there!  It's close enough!"

Joel started to answer that, but Ellie shouted to drown out his voice before he really got started.  "No no no, wait, I got this one!  I'll spare you the lecture, Joel!  Let's see, um..." She lowered the pitch of her voice in an attempt to sound more Joel-like.   _" 'If you two were really in trouble, it ain't goin' to do you no good-- I mean -- if I'm jus' over there askin' if you're all right, you might be dead before you can answer me.  A few seconds can mean the difference between life an' death.  My name is Joel an' I know eeeeeeeeverything--'  "_   Sophie burst out laughing, and Ellie had to giggle, too.

"I don' sound like that," Joel protested... stony-faced, no hint of a smile or anything. 

Ellie actually couldn't tell if he was pretending to be irritated, or if it was the real deal.  _Fuck, am I losing my Joel-speak powers?  How can that be?  I'm with him 24/7 now!_   "Yeah you do!  Okay, maybe not the last sentence."

Joel holstered his gun.  "I meant the accent was terrible."

"Oh!  I'll give you that one," Ellie said with a grin.

"I didn't think it was half bad," Sophie defended her.

"Thanks!"  Ellie was very aware of Sophie's nakedness, and her close proximity... she was sure she was blushing again, and she should have welcomed the heat, but... _fuck!_   She took a deep breath and ducked underneath the surface, although she could've just shrugged her hand away or even just swam a little to the side or something.  Ellie wasn't very skilled at swimming underwater -- the whole point of learning how to swim was to help her stay on _top_ of it, after all -- but she did manage to put a little distance between them when she surfaced a couple seconds later.

She acted like she'd done it to rinse her hair.  Which was partly true.  And Sophie was starting on her own hair now.  Joel seemed reluctant to leave.  The only reason Ellie wanted him to go was because she didn't trust Sophie not to pull some stunt to get him to admire her glorious nude body.  "We're good -- you can go!" Ellie told him.  "Sophie will behave now, right, Soph?"

"Yeah -- sorry about that!"

Joel gave them a frown before walking away.  Ellie giggled.  "I don't know why it's so fun to piss him off."

"That... _was_ kind of fun," Sophie agreed.  "I guess it's okay when it's stupid stuff.  But now, say someone really does come..."

"Like a hunter?"  It would have to be, to be a threat.  Infected wouldn't swim over from the other side, but hunters might have rifles.  They'd have to be total dicks to shoot a couple of unarmed naked (or nearly naked) girls in the water.  And while Ellie certainly knew there were some total dicks in this world, it didn't seem very likely to her that that would happen here -- and they would be so far away that they'd have to be pretty good shots, too.  It must not have seemed likely to Joel, either, or he'd never have agreed to this.  "Then... we scream," she answered.

"But now it's like crying wolf."

"What?  Scream like a human, don't cry like a wolf.  -Shit, we should've had Joel toss that soap over here..." Ellie paddled towards the ramp to retrieve it.  She had this odd _warmth_ in her stomach now, which was unsettling.  She'd thought the cold water would make that go away... she vowed not to look at Sophie until she had some clothes on, because she had a disturbing feeling that the weird sensation and Sophie's nudity were connected.  "Do wolves even cry?"

Sophie chuckled.  "It's an expression.  From a story... a fable.  Basically, since we already screamed--"

_"You_ screamed," Ellie pointed out.

"--yeah, well, now if there really is someone, and I scream again, Joel won't come, because he'll think it's not an actual threat.  That's what happened to the boy in the story.  He was watching sheep and he cried out that there was a wolf, so people rushed to help him and he just laughed, like he'd played this funny joke on them.  He did that over and over, and they kept coming.  Until finally there _was_ a real wolf, and then no one came 'cause they didn't believe him!  That's where the expression 'crying wolf' comes from."

Ellie soaped herself up on the ramp while Sophie told the story -- and already forgot that she'd intended not to look at the woman (even if all she could see was her head).  "No!  Joel's not like that.  You could scream ten times, and even on the tenth time, he'd come running.  Believe me.  He would always assume the worst."

"Better to be safe than sorry?"

"Yeah.  Like, to extremes.  Outside, at least."  Ellie smirked to herself, imagining how furious Joel would be by that tenth time.  Maybe he _would_ stop coming, after a certain number of times.  She'd never actually tested him that way.  But she would guess that the closest he would come to not responding to the potential threat would be to hesitate for a second, then realize how horrible it would be if it was really true this time and they died or something while he was picking his ass around the corner... he'd still have to come.  He couldn't _not._ And how devastating would it be if that infinitesimally small hesitation did actually make the difference?  Joel would never forgive himself.  Even though it would have totally been their fault, for being dumb.  Sophie's fucking fault, anyway.  _She_ was the one crying wolf.

"Is it really evil that I want to scream again just to see if you're right?" Sophie asked mischievously.

"Yes!" Ellie assured her.  "Sophie, don't.  Really.  Don't push him."

"Okie dokie."  She leaned her head back, letting her hair swirl around... and now she was floating on her back.  Ellie watched the water lapping at her...

_What the fucking FUCK is wrong with me?!  Maybe **I** should be the one carrying that PERV rock around_. 

Yep, she'd found it in Joel's back pack.  Confronted him about it.  He'd said something about it being 'evidence'... but Ellie didn't understand why he needed to keep it.  More than once, she'd thought about sneaking it out of there and chucking it randomly into the woods, never to be seen again.  But somehow, she never quite dared.  Joel had gotten this weird look on his face when she was talking to him.  She got the feeling he'd be really... hurt, or something, if she took it from him -- fucked up as that sounded.  So she'd left it alone.  Eventually, she'd find the right time to talk to him about it and remind him for the millionth time that he wasn't a pervert.

She and Sophie continued their baths mostly in silence, with Sophie taking much longer to do everything, even though she had two hands.  The water was pretty cold, but it did feel nice to get clean after a couple of relatively warm, dry days.  Ellie decided she would come back later to brush her teeth, and that she really didn't need to shave anything with Sophie's razor.  She also didn't need to wash her jeans; she could let the rain wash them again some time, and it would be good enough.  Having clean shirts would be nice, though.  She dried off with the towel (which they all had to share), stepped back into her dirty jeans, and pulled on the sweatshirt she'd brought down.  She borrowed Sophie's brush because she actually couldn't remember where she'd put her own.

When Sophie was done with the soap, Ellie began to wash all the clothes she wasn't wearing.  It was a bit of a challenge, one-handed, but she could manage if she used her knee to hold the thing in place while her good hand worked the soap.  She could ask Sophie to wring them out when she was done rinsing.  "I should let _you_ do this," she joked, staring intently at the shirt she was scrubbing and _not_ at Sophie dragging the razor up her leg, with the other leg folded up...

"Let me do what?"

"The laundry?  Cuz it's like your job?"

"Ohhhh gotcha.  You know what I really wanted to be, back in the day? -A hair stylist."

"Really?"  That was such a departure from Laundry Lady that Ellie was curious.  "So why weren't you doing that in Jackson?"

"Eh, they already had someone who does that.  And I never learned how to do it professionally or anything."

_Professional_ hair styling... that sounded so glamorous and indulgent.  People had some weird jobs back in the old days that were completely unimportant now.  "So... if you know hair stuff... can you put my hair in a French braid?" Ellie asked, almost shyly.  She'd kind of fallen in love with that style when she and Annie were trying to pick one out for her Big Date.

"You bet!  You want me to?  Just let me--"

"Not right this second, you can finish your... legs, and whatever."  She felt a little guilty, like she was betraying Annie by letting Sophie do something to her hair that Annie couldn't.  Not because Annie wasn't there, but because she didn't know how to do it.  _You're still my BFF, Annie_ , Ellie told her in her head.  _Sophie's just my BFFN._

They decided they'd kept Joel waiting for his turn long enough, and they could do her hair while he was bathing.  He'd made some remark about females taking forever to do things, though Ellie could tell he wasn't annoyed with them anymore.  Sophie hadn't even washed her clothes yet, but that could wait a little while, too.

Ellie was sitting on the ground, Sophie behind her, tugging on lock after lock of her hair.  "So is Joel going to scream now, to get even?" Sophie wondered.

"He'd better not," Ellie grumbled.  "That would be so uncool, especially since it was your fault, you wolf crier, not mine -- but I'd be the one who has to run over there."

"It was too your fault!  Who splashed me in the first place?"

"To get your ass in the water!  It was for your own good!"

"Uh-huh.  Sure."

"You didn't have to scream, though."  Ellie snorted.  "Joel will prob'ly be done before you're even done with this braid.  In and out.  And he won't go far from his gun."

"But he trusts you to look out for him, right?"

"Yeah.  But still.  It's just how he is."  Ellie was indeed alert, in spite of the indulgence of letting Sophie fix her hair.  Having her hair pulled (albeit gently) kind of helped her not fall into some kind of apathetic trance, too.  "And I'd bet you anything he doesn't let the horses graze overnight here.  He's gonna want them inside the fortress with us.  It's too far away from the grass."

"I'm not betting against you on anything related to Joel."

Ellie smiled, inordinately pleased at that comment.  "I do know him pretty well by now, I think."

"I know a lot more about him -- about both of you -- than I did two weeks ago, so I can imagine how much you learned after a whole _year_.  Holy guacamole."

"On the trip?  It was less than a year."  And the first half almost didn't count, because Joel was so... unreceptive, to say the least, to the idea of getting to know each other better.  She didn't know how much of that Joel had shared with Sophie, though.  "But yeah.  He's... something."

"It's obvious how much he loves you."

_It is?  Shit!_   "Oh, um... he doesn't really, like... well, it's..."  _How do I explain?  I have to tell her she's wrong..._

"Yeppers," Sophie said.  "I think... even if it's not like... the romantic kind?  It sort of _is_ , because... I mean, it takes the place of that.  Erm -- I don't know how to say it.  I'm not saying it right."

Ellie's heart stopped trying to leap out of her body.  _Whew!_   "Well... not exactly like taking its place... I mean, people can love their kids and still love their... lovers."  She didn't like pretending that Joel's love was limited to the fatherly kind, but she understood that that was the game they had to play, and she could've kicked herself for assuming Sophie had been thinking it was ‘obvious’ that Joel wanted to fuck her.  _No, not fuck – MAKE LOVE_ , she corrected for Joel’s sake, as if he could hear her thoughts.  _Ha!_

"Yeah, but... it's different.  I mean, he has _zero_ interest in... ha, now it sounds like I'm making excuses for... yeah.  But it's true -- he doesn't really... he's not _looking_ for a girlfriend, right?  Like, that's not even on his radar.  At all."

"Right."  Ellie was slow to answer.  "But I don't know if that's cuz of _me_.  He feels like he's too old for all that shit."  A lie that wasn't a total lie!  Ellie mentally patted herself on the back.

"He's not too old for anything!  Sheesh, people can still... well, I used to know people _decades_ older than him, who were in love.  He's middle-aged, not dead."

"I don't think he's too old, either," Ellie said happily.  She did, and she didn't.  If she thought about his actual age, in numbers, he seemed ancient.  If she thought about him as a person, he didn't seem so old.  And if thoughts of him being _OLD_ started to upset her, she talked herself out of them by thinking that he wouldn't be old until she was fifty herself.  _Forty-nine_ , she amended on Joel's behalf -- mentally, but she had to snicker out loud.  "It's almost his birthday, you know."

"Oh yeah?  When's that?"

"…In a few days."  Now Ellie wished she'd kept her stupid mouth shut.  She didn't want Sophie celebrating Joel's birthday.  _That's supposed to be a me'n'Joel thing!_  And not only that, but because Joel was adamant that he never celebrated it.  Maybe that would save her here... "Don't tell him I told you -- actually, forget I said anything.  He's really... touchy about it.  It's the same day as..." Ellie couldn't casually tell Sophie about Sarah.  That was how she herself had learned about her, from Maria, who had of course learned it from Tommy, but Maria obviously hadn't known how private Joel was about his past; she'd only just met him.  And Ellie hadn't learned about the whole birthday thing until much later.  "...it was the day the world went to hell, in his town.  So that sort of ruined his birthday forever after."

"Oh, wow, that sucks.  I won't say a word.  Okay, gimme your hair thing now... aaaaaannndddddd... done!" she declared.  "I wish you could see it.  It's super cute!"

Ellie ran her hand over the lumps of hair going down the middle of her head and grimaced.  "It feels weird..."

"Trust me.  I would say ask Joel, but guys don't really know jackshit about hair."

"Ha -- yeah, maybe he won't even notice!  I _so_ hope he doesn't, then I can give him crap when he eventually does."  She didn't think Joel's keen observation skills applied to hair, either, although... he _did_ notice her ponytail was higher that one day, and that was a minor difference compared to this.  Sophie moved in front of her and held out her hand to help Ellie stand up.

Ellie took it and got to her feet.  "Thanks.  For doing that."

"Any time!  Really, it's a great style for this trip.  It'll keep a while.  I kinda suck at doing it to myself or I would."

"Maybe you could teach me?  When the burn goes away, I mean."

"I could try... it'd be hard to do without showing you, though... maybe we could get Joel to grow his hair out and then we could practice on him.  Think he'd like that?"

Ellie snickered.  "Even when his hair gets long, it's not _that_ long.  It'll take ages."

"Oh well.  If we don't forget all about it later, maybe I could show you on Nina.  She has great hair for it.  Assuming we find her and Alex... God, I hope so -- I have a good feeling about it.  I really do.  You guys are awesome."

Ellie didn't see what their awesomeness had to do with anything -- there was a certain amount of luck involved, and if these people were already dead, they couldn't do anything about that -- but she grinned.  "Yeah, we are, aren't we!"

Sophie started fussing with her own hair.  Ellie wondered if Joel would like her new hair style.   He wouldn't be able to run his hands through it. _Well, I could ask Sophie to re-do it in the morning, maybe..._

She didn't only feel guilty about Sophie for Annie's sake now -- she felt a little like she'd just betrayed Joel too, somehow.  Because if she was gut-wrenchingly, disturbingly honest with herself, she had to admit that she had _enjoyed_ looking at Sophie's body.  And if Joel had enjoyed that, she'd be furious with him.  _Am I a fucking hypocrite or what?!_   _Do I have to tell him?_ she wondered.  They were supposed to be honest with each other about 'everything,' but even so, there were still some things that were... well, private.

It wasn't like she was in _love_ with Sophie or anything.  She didn't know what was wrong with her.  Obviously, she used to like girls that way, because _duh,_ Riley... but she had Joel now.  And she had so much more with Joel than she'd ever had with Riley -- or even had a _chance_ to have with Riley, to be fair, but... Ellie was convinced there was absolutely no other love in the world that could match what she felt for Joel.  Ever.

Would she want him to tell her, if their roles were reversed here?  _HELL no_ , she decided.  She couldn't even stomach the thought of Joel feeling... _any_ of that weird shit... _God, I'm a horrible person!  But I can't tell him._   It wasn't like she was going to start sneaking around, trying to make out with Sophie, or anything like that.  And not because she was controlling her ~lust~ or whatever -- _no, it's not even that!  Fuck!_ \-- she truly didn't _want_ to.  Joel was the only one she wanted.  She closed her eyes and thought about him now, _really_ thought about him, about kissing him, touching him, being in his arms... seeing that special smile on his face that only she got to see... and her stomach did a little flip-flop.  _See?!  No need to hurt Joel by telling him stupid shit that doesn't mean anything_. _But... since this happened to me, couldn't it already have happened to him?  Maybe he lied when he said he didn't want to fuck Sophie in her bedroom that day..._

And then she remembered again that they were Outside, and she was the only one on guard.  No more daydreaming or closing her eyes.  She surveyed the land in all directions, and tried to shove her troubling thoughts to some place where they wouldn't bother her.  Things _had_ been simpler on their first trip, that was for sure.  Especially in the beginning, when Joel hadn't wanted to talk to her at all.  _I need to be more like that!_ At least with Sophie.

But... she kind of _liked_ Sophie.  A little.  She didn't hate her, anyway.  And looking at her now, fully-clothed... Ellie was happy to note that she had no feelings of attraction whatsoever.  With Joel, she wasn't, like... insanely attracted to him every time she looked at him, but she'd had those feelings long before she ever saw him naked -- and the physical part was all mixed up with her love for him, anyway.  What was it he'd said... _"nothing pretty about the male body"..._

Joel was far from ugly.  But he wasn’t pretty.  _Yeah, so, girls are prettier than guys.  Sophie's pretty, Joel's handsome.  And... that matters cuz... why?_

She remembered, shortly after that magical first kiss with Joel, how they'd talked about not spending time alone with members of the opposite sex.  At first, she'd thought that was his way of keeping her away from Max -- whom she didn't even hang out with _ANYWAYS!_ \-- but it wasn't just that.  Ellie had happily agreed because it went both ways, and she didn't like the idea of Joel spending time with other women.  He'd said something about how the practice was like... inviting opportunities to fuck things up... something like that, that hadn't really registered with her because it didn't make sense -- not if you were truly in love, like she and Joel were.  _...is that all this is?  Some ~opportunity~ that I'm not taking... because I love him?_

No, not really... Sophie wasn't _tempting_ her, for fuck's sake.  And Joel didn't even know that Ellie used to be a lesbian.  _No -- I'm BISEXUAL, which was okay in his world, according to those magazines, so.._. still, she didn't really want to disclose this to him, because he might think she'd _rather_ be with a girl or some stupid shit like that.  If she couldn't tell him that, it stood to reason that she couldn't tell him about this; he would need the context for it to make sense.

She was tired of thinking about this confusing shit.  _Nothing happened here, and it meant nothing, so there's nothing to tell_ , she decided once and for all.  She would just kiss the fuck out of Joel the next time she got the chance... to prove it to that part of herself that wanted to doubt everything.


	35. Mistakes Can Kill You

**Day 12**

"It doesn't look any better," Ellie muttered, frowning at her hand while Joel and Sophie washed it.  "Maybe this is just how it's gonna be from now on?"

"That's good," Joel said to Sophie, and she lifted the watering can that she'd been tilting over Ellie's hand.  He gently rubbed his soapy fingers over the burns.  He'd stopped asking if that hurt, because Ellie always said no (even if she winced a little while saying it).  "I don' like how the fibers are stickin' to it.  Maybe we should try airin' it out instead."

"Sure, Joel.  Sophie, how long this time before he wraps it up again?"

"Mmm... an hour at most."

"Well, we don' want it to get infected," Joel grumbled.  He was afraid Ellie would be tempted to use the hand, and none of their shit was all that clean.  "And it _is_ gettin' better.  The blisters all popped."

"And how sad is it that I'd rather see blisters there than... _this?"_

It was true; her hand was even uglier now than before, and that was really saying something.  New skin was forming, which was good, of course, but her hand looked like it had spiderwebs laced through it -- and some of that may have been fibers from the bandages that kept getting stuck to them.  Sometimes the wounds would bleed a little when he removed the cloth... he told Ellie that was a good thing, too, because if her hand was really bad off, there'd be no blood flowing to it.  He was just talking out of his ass there, but it did sound good... plausible... and it seemed to reassure her.  Joel wished there was a clinic or somewhere he could take her to, because he didn't really know what the hell he was doing.  He just didn't want her to worry -- that much, he knew.  "Jus' give it some time to heal up.  It's only been a few days.  Growin' new skin takes a while."

"It's been _six_ days," Ellie clarified, "and that doesn't look anything like new skin to me."

"Rinse," Joel said to Sophie.  They had this routine down pat.  "Ellie, be patient.  As long as we don' let it get infected, you're fine.  An' you'll know if it's infected 'cause it'll smell like... somethin' godawful."

"Then we'd have to chop my hand off," Ellie said matter-of-factly.  They'd discussed infection before, and she seemed to enjoy making Joel squirm at this lovely notion.

"You mean _I’d_ have to," said Sophie, wrinkling her nose.

"Yep, sorry, Joel's too much of a wuss," Ellie teased.  "But... in the sweetest possible way."

"Not wantin' to hack off your hand ain't exactly sweet," Joel protested.  "I'd call it... 'normal.'  Especially when all's we got for the job is a huntin' knife or a switchblade."

"I'd end up doing it myself, I know it," Ellie declared.  "Thanks a lot, you guys."

"Hey, a guy really did that," Sophie said as she set down the empty watering can.  "He was hiking by himself in the desert somewhere, and he got stuck -- for like, _days_ \-- in this cave or something, with this rock pinning his arm.  He had to cut it off to get out of there."

"Really?!  You're fucking with me, right?"  Ellie looked to Joel for validation.

"I think I heard about that."  He dried his own hands on the communal towel, but he never let Ellie do the same; maybe he was paranoid, but he didn't trust that the towel was clean enough.  Same with the rags they'd brought on the trip... although they might need to use those soon, at the rate they were going through bandages.  Maybe he should let it go a couple days before undressing and cleaning the wound, but he just _had_ to look at it every day.  He would imagine her hand turning black under there, the skin crumpled and cracked like old leather... followed by a look of horror on Ellie's face when she saw it that would break his heart... he just had to see for sure that it was still red and pink -- and now white as well.  And once he'd unwrapped it, he couldn't wrap it with the same dirty bandage.  Now he tried to remember the story Sophie was referring to.  "They made a movie out of it, as I recall."

"Oh my God.  I don't think I could do it."  Ellie shuddered.  "I wonder if we have that movie in Jackson.  Weren't there a lot of people in the world back then?  Couldn't he just yell for help and wait for someone to find him, or... wouldn't his family go looking for him?"

"Dunno," said Sophie.  "He obviously thought he was going to die there if he didn't do it.  No one passed by there in days, so..."

"That'd be funny if like, _right_ after he did it and came out of the cave, a guy comes along like... 'dude, what happened to _you?'_ " Ellie giggled.  "Okay, so, _not_ funny.  But funny."

"You're terrible," said Joel, although he did enjoy the darker side of Ellie's sense of humor.

"I know," she said with a grin.  "I'm also hungry.  Can we eat now?"

"Me, too!" chirped Sophie.  "I'll cook!"

Joel snorted.  " 'Cause it's already cooked, you mean?"

"Heating up leftovers totally counts as cooking," she replied.

"Except we cooked 'em both before so we wouldn't have to bother with it now," Joel reminded her.

"Well, I'd rather eat it hot -- wouldn't you guys?  You two go relax on the porch over there and I'll come serve you dinner."

"You gonna do the fire, too?" Joel couldn't help feeling a bit skeptical about that, since she'd never done it by herself.

"If you tell me where the matches are, yes."

"Fine, but let me pick out the spot."

Sophie held up her hand before he could go scout.  "I got this!"

Joel started to protest, but Ellie grabbed his arm.  "Let her do it, Joel.  She's not gonna set all the grass on fire or anything."  She looked at Sophie.  "There should be matches in the smaller bag.  The greenish one.  Inside pocket."

"It's gray," Joel corrected her.

"Green _ish_ ," Ellie repeated.  "Gray-green.  Whatever.  With all the dirt on it, it's more like gray-green-brown.  C'mon, you can watch her from the porch and think about how much better _you_ do everything from there."

"That ain't--"

"Come _on!_   Thanks, Sophie!"  And then Ellie was dragging him towards the porch steps.  "Look at the sunset!  Don't you wanna just sit and look at it?  Isn't it... pretty?"

 _Romantic_ , Joel added for her in his thoughts.  They were in Burley, Idaho, and their hotel for the evening was a big brick and clapboard house in what they'd dubbed the 'riverfront district,' as it was conveniently close to the Snake River.  Joel had chosen this one for the brick wall surrounding the entire yard, which was expansive.  Someone had barricaded the gate so well that they’d had to squeeze the horses through the front door of the house to get them back there.  Also a plus:  all the lower level windows were boarded up.

The rusty porch swing they were now sitting in faced the west, so the view was perfect.  If they moved at all, though, the swing squeaked gratingly, which was decidedly _un_ romantic.  Joel had his arm around Ellie, but his attention was divided -- which was also quite unromantic -- because he had his doubts about Sophie's ability to get the fire going.

Ellie kissed his cheek.  "Happy birthday," she whispered.

Joel looked at her, surprised.  He'd had no idea what day it was, but Ellie was keeping careful track in the notebook she'd brought.

She smiled.  "Don't worry, I didn't tell Sophie."

He was annoyed.  Maybe he shouldn't have been, but he was.  "I told you--"

"Yeah yeah, I know -- you don't celebrate it.  But you should.  I mean, I get why you don't, but... it's a big deal, surviving another whole year.  And to make it to _fifty_..."  She paused while Joel groaned.  "Is it so bad that I want to celebrate it?  Not like I can really do much for you, out here..."

Now that he knew, he was surprised she'd waited all day to wish him a happy birthday; she always marked the days off in the morning, so even if she'd forgotten, looking at the date would've reminded her.  "You don' need to do anythin'," he said irritably.

"But I want to.  And... I can do _some_ thing... if, um... maybe after dinner I'll tell Sophie I need to talk to you about something private.  What I really wanted to do was... well, I can't, now, but..." She sighed.  "I was going to write you a song.  And play it for you.  I could still sing it now, without the guitar, only I never… actually… wrote anything."

She looked sheepish... and adorable as hell.  His irritation melted away.  "That's all right.  You thought you'd have time.  Plus I told you I don' even want a fuss any--"

"I know, but I still thought... I mean, you've done so much for me--"

"Ssshhh -- Ellie, that has nothin' to do with my birthday.  Even if it did, you've done just as much for me, if not more.  Didn' we decide to call it even?"  Because Joel had grown tired of the arguments.  "I really don' care to remember what today is."

"So… it's selfish of me to want to celebrate.  Is that it?"

Joel had to resist the urge to go tell Sophie she needed to gather a bit more kindling before trying to light the fire... _no -- back to Ellie--_ "Selfish?"

"Because you don't want to, and I do."

"Well... by that definition, yeah, I reckon it is."  Joel watched Sophie for a few moments. _All right, she got the fire going, barely… but it ain't gonna last long enough to do much..._

"Great.  I'm a fucking selfish bitch now because I wanna be nice?"

Joel turned back to Ellie and chuckled.  "Now you're a bitch?  All I said--"

"It's not funny!"  She looked pissed.

"Calm down, kiddo," he said with a sigh.  "Why are you actin' like--"

"You know what?  I think I'll go be nice to Sophie -- at least _she_ appreciates it."  Ellie hopped up, but Joel grabbed her arm before she could leave.

"Hold on--"

Ellie wrenched free.  "No!  You'd rather be alone anyway.  If you could do this trip totally by yourself, you would.  ...just like Max."

"What?"  Joel didn't see how she'd connected those dots.  Especially the Max part -- although she could've just thrown that in to irritate him.  "Ellie--"

"Just stay there.  I'll bring you a plate, unless I'm not allowed to do even that much for you."  And then she ran -- _ran!_ \-- toward Sophie, who was understandably alarmed at this unexpected sight... at least until she noticed Joel still sitting on the porch swing, calm as ever.  No danger.

At least, not _that_ kind.

Well, they were all bound to get on each other's nerves at one point or another.  If he hadn't been distracted, he might have noticed that Ellie wasn't just joking around with the bitch comment; there were times she hated being laughed at.  And she sure could be moody... though usually not _this_ moody.  He wondered if female troubles were to blame... _or is it lazy of me to assume that?_

Joel didn't get the feeling that this was one of those times she wanted him to chase after her, and he didn't feel up for it anyway.  Let her go help Sophie if she wanted.  The two could commiserate about what a dick Joel could be.  Later, if Ellie was still pissy, Joel would apologize without knowing exactly what he was apologizing for, call himself an asshole or whatever to mollify her, and it might trigger an apology on her end.  Joel didn't need one, but sometimes the act of giving it seemed to turn her back into her usual sweet self again.

Ellie was predictable in some ways, still a mystery in others.  And he wasn't inclined to ask Sophie for any womanly input there.  Even if he were, he had a feeling Ellie wouldn't like that.  It was all well and good for her and Sophie to talk about him, or for Ellie and him to talk about Sophie, but that third combination was off limits.  In general, Joel didn't dare so much as smile at Sophie if Ellie wasn't included.  ...not that it was all that hard, since he wasn't much of a smiler -- basically, he just had to be careful that he didn't appear to be enjoying her company too much, because Ellie was really... sensitive.  And with Sophie present, Ellie couldn't ask for the kind of reassurance she needed... or if she did do it, subtly, Joel couldn't respond the way he was accustomed to -- with affection.  And by the time they were going to sleep, it was usually so long after the fact that it would be odd to bring it up... _or I'm too damn tired to WANT to bring it up_.  Sometimes Ellie would become talkative then, if Sophie was far enough away that they could at least whisper, and Joel _tried_ , but...

 _Okay, so I don't try all that hard most of the time_ , he had to admit.  Even when he wasn't on the brink of sleep, he would pretend to be, sometimes.  It did make him feel a little guilty.  He could justify it to himself, thinking, _What's so wrong with wanting nothing more after a long, exhausting day than to hold my baby girl and go to sleep?_   But the guilt nagged him anyway.  So far, Ellie hadn't insisted on talking if he was 'too tired,' so he assumed it wasn't that important.  Right now, he was more concerned with keeping her safe than making her happy.  They hadn't done their 'nature breaks' quite as often, either, the past few days.

 _We really should've done that today,_ Joel mused.  Because last time (two days ago), it hadn't gone very well.  Ellie had been strangely aggressive, going so far as to shove her hand down his pants -- twice.  Twice he'd removed it and told her no.

_"It's okay, Joel -- it's actually safer than kissing cuz you can look around better!"_

_"Still too distracting."_

_"But if you're keeping an eye out..."_

_"My mind wouldn't be on keepin' watch."_

_"Okay, well, if I do it quick--"_

_"Ellie, you know I'm barely okay with you doin' it in the first place."_

_"Yeah, cuz I gross you out."_

_"No, because--"_

_"Whatever!  Just pretend I'm Sophie then."_

_"...What?!"_

_"She's old enough, in your eyes.  So pretend I'm her.  But if you call out her name, I'm warning you right now--"_

_"Jesus, Ellie, stop it – we’ve talked about that – an’ we shouldn't even be out here.  Let's go back."_

_"Go back?  But we didn't even... okay, I'm sorry -- I'm sorry! I'll be good, just kissing--"_

_"No, we're goin' back.  Come on, get up."_

She'd apologized again that night, and he'd told her it was okay, he wasn't upset with her.  And he truly wasn't.  They were in a situation that was difficult even for _him_ , and she was _so_ much younger, with so much less life experience and coping abilities.  He needed to remember that more often.  When he'd asked her why she was so determined to jack him off, she'd mumbled something about missing him.  He'd hugged her tighter and told her he loved her and they'd have plenty of time for all that stuff later, but she’d still seemed a little... unsettled.

The next day, they hadn't been alone at all, and he'd gotten the feeling Ellie was okay with that.  Today... he just hadn't really thought to make the time.  Ellie didn't drop any hints or try to initiate something herself, so he figured she wasn't bothered by it. 

But now it was starting to bother _him_.

The odd thing was, Ellie didn't seem upset with him at all.  She acted perfectly normal -- even more agreeable than usual, actually.  She was getting along great with Sophie.  And she wasn't asking him loaded questions anymore.  Before, if Sophie were out of earshot, Ellie would ask him casually if he'd ever seen a tree like some... new-to-her tree before, and they would innocently chat about trees... then she'd bring up Sophie for no reason and awkwardly segue into something bizarre and random -- such as, did he ever wish that he and Sophie were a couple and Ellie was their kid.  Following up his 'of course not' with a 'well, why not?' -- as if he'd answered incorrectly when he knew he hadn't.  It was like a test consisting of nothing but trick questions.  _I definitely don't miss THAT_.  He was glad for these things, and if it was at all related to them not making out, then...

 _That's crazy... but what else could it be?  Could she really just not be jealous of Sophie in the slightest anymore?  So fast?_   It wasn't really something Joel could ask her about:  _"Ellie, why aren't you acting more jealous?  What's up with that?"_   He knew it was a good thing.  Maybe he could comment that it was nice to see her feeling more secure about Sophie... but if he brought her attention to it at all, would she wonder why he was 'thinking about' Sophie?  _That_ had happened, more than once.

He was probably overthinking this. 

Maybe he should just keep things simple, and stick to the original 'no fooling around Outside' rule.  But he didn't want to sentence them to no kissing for the remainder of the trip... or _nearly_ no kissing -- there were times, like tonight, where they could get away with a little more, with Sophie in another room.  Maybe they could close the door for a while.  Sophie's door might be closed, but Joel never felt comfortable sleeping that way.  Ellie thought he should feel _safer_ with the door closed, but he was afraid he wouldn't be able to hear any goings-on downstairs well enough to wake up in time to deal with the threat.

Joel watched the two girls at the fire.  Ellie had made it a little more robust, and they were taking turns poking at the meat on the little fold-out grill rack they'd brought.  He heard one or both of them laugh from time to time.

His thoughts turned to his birthday... and, inevitably, Sarah.  There was a time he might have wanted to grab a bottle of whiskey he'd stashed specifically for this anniversary and get as shit-faced as possible.  He hadn't done that last year, because he'd been heading west with Ellie and hadn't even known it when the day had come and gone.  And again this year, that wasn't an option.  Even if he had that bottle... it might be a little tempting, fleetingly... hell, Sophie would probably drink it with him, without even knowing what day he was marking.  But he could hear Ellie and her questions, see her not understanding it at all... feeling hurt that he'd rather do that than _~talk about his feelings~_ with her... to drown his sorrows rather than deal with them.

Worse than that, though, was how irresponsible it would be.  How could he protect those two when he was out of it -- not just for that night, but by being hungover the next day?

The thing was... Joel wasn't even sad enough to do that.  The sorrows were still there; even though he'd drowned them with alcohol plenty of times in the past, the fuckers sure could swim... _ha.  Real poetic, Joel_.  If he poked at them enough, they still hurt.  Hell -- sometimes he'd be doing no such thing and a crippling wave of grief would wash over him out of nowhere.  Sometimes, it would be something that reminded him of Sarah... other times, he had no idea where it came from.  But that happened so much less frequently now.  Since Ellie.  Not because she'd replaced Sarah -- she never could -- but because she was here _now_ , and he loved her fiercely.  She needed him in a way no one else on the planet did.  And he wasn't sure how she'd done it, but somehow she'd made it possible for him to think about Sarah sometimes without feeling the pain.

Joel still wore the broken watch.  He always would.  But looking at it no longer enraged him or devastated him; sometimes, it even made him smile.

He was thinking about Sarah when Ellie brought the plate of food up to him.  He managed a small smile, but Ellie probably noticed his eyes were moist; her voice was gentle when she asked if he was okay, and if he wanted her to sit with him.  "Go eat with Sophie," he urged her.  "Please."

"I could just sit here and not say a word?" she offered.

He knew she could; she'd done it before, when he was in a mood.  "Thank you.  But no... go on.  I'll talk to you in a 'lil while, if that's all right."

"Of course it's all right.  If you're sure."  He felt her looking at him, but he wouldn't meet her gaze.  She stroked his arm for a moment, then his cheek.  "I'll be right down there."

"Wait, I should wrap your hand first--"

"I'm being careful."

"I'd feel better if--"

"Then I'll have Sophie do it.  Just eat and don't worry about it.  Love you," she added under her breath.

"Love you, too." 

At least she seemed to have forgotten their last conversation already.  Joel ate the leftover pheasant and the side of creamed corn (also warmed over the fire, even though they'd eaten it cold plenty of times before).  He would have let Ellie sit with him if Sophie hadn't been there.  Would've invited her even if she hadn't asked.  But Sophie _was_ there, and he would rather sit there by himself and watch Ellie from afar, now that they could temporarily ease up some on the vigilance and muteness.  He couldn't catch most of what was said, but he could hear the inflections of her voice... the little laughs from time to time... he would rather observe that than to either 'force' her to sit with him in silence or to find the right words to say to her... to formulate the appropriate, expected responses.  It was a peaceful feeling, watching her.  Not unlike their last night in Jackson, at the party.  _She IS happy, overall.  That's one thing I'm certain of._

She glanced over at him occasionally, smiling each time.  And he smiled back, admiring the way the firelight caressed her beautiful face.

 

* * *

 

"Really?  I can close it?" Ellie asked, whispering even though Sophie had already closed her door.

They were in the master bedroom -- one which even contained a bed.  A large one.  No sheets or blankets on it, but they had their own blankets.  And Sophie was in the bedroom alllllll the way down the hall.  He probably should've put her in the one closest to them, but she happened to like the farthest one best, and... he just wasn't that responsible, apparently.  At least, not tonight.  _And Ellie really needs to close that door, if we do what I have in mind..._ "Jus’ for now.  Gotta leave the spiders a way out later, don' we?"

"Eww!  You _had_ to say that.  Are they still up there?  Can you shine the light there?  ...ewww!  Why can't we just kill them?!"

"It's their house.  We're jus' guests."  Joel knew Ellie wasn't seriously afraid of spiders and other creepy-crawlies, but her extreme dislike of them amused him.  It seemed to be limited to indoors, where she felt they had no right to be; outdoors, she didn't give a shit what they did.  He switched the flashlight off and set it on the nightstand, next to El Diablo.  "C'mere.  I'll keep you safe."

She closed the door and hurried to the bed, giggling as she crawled toward Joel.  He pulled her close, then rolled her over so that he was laying on top of her.  "If we sleep like this, they'll get to me first," he murmured against her lips.  She started to make some noise of assent but Joel didn't let her finish -- he had to kiss her.  It had been far too long, and he hadn't even realized how much he'd missed it until that moment.

The kisses were slow and sweet, their tongues gently probing... it was a few minutes before either of them spoke again.  "Thank you," Ellie breathed.

He chuckled.  "My pleasure."  He kissed her lips a couple more times before lifting his head a little ... his hands framed her face, smoothing her hair back.  The moon was nearly full tonight, and the half of her face nearest the window was decently illuminated. _She's so pretty_ , he thought as he resumed kissing her.  _I don't tell her that enough..._

"Joel..."

"Hmm?"

"Just so you know..."

He rolled off to her side, tugging her leg over his and running his hand up to her ass.  They were ready for bed, but still fully clothed, so he was touching her jeans instead of her skin.  "So I know what, baby girl?"  He started kissing her neck before she answered.

She giggled softly.  "Mmm... God... um..."

"We still have to be quiet," he whispered the reminder in her ear, sucking her earlobe into his mouth.

"Fuck... you're making that kinda hard, y'know..."

"You're the one makin' it hard," he smirked, smothering her laugh with his mouth.

They kissed another minute or so before she seemed to remember she'd been trying to say something.  "Just so you _knooooow_ ," she repeated, pausing again, presumably for dramatic effect.

"I already know:  you love me."

"No!"

"No?"

"Well, yeah, but... ohhh..."

"Am I distractin' you?  Just a little?" he teased as his hand slithered up her shirt.

"A bit, yeah," she giggled.

He was surprised to find that he was cupping her bare breast in his palm.  "What happened to your bra?" he asked, gently massaging her.

"It's... somewhere..."

He bunched her shirt up to her armpits and scooted down a little so he could nuzzle her.  "Mmm.  Did you turn it into a bed for the spiders?"

"What?  No!" she laughed.

"Ssshh," he reminded her before his lips closed around her nipple.

"No... you don't think they would... _God_ , that feels nice, Joel... love you..."

"You love my mouth," he clarified for her.  His tongue danced around the pretty pink nipple, over it... under it... he was basically giving her breast a big ol' sloppy wet kiss.

"I love your mouth," she agreed breathily.

His lips made their way over to the other breast.  "I know how I want to celebrate my birthday," he declared before kissing the other nipple.

"You do?  Yay!"  She was keeping her voice to a stage-whisper level, but her excitement came through loud and clear.

"If you're willin', that is..."

"I'm willing!"

"You don' even know what I want," he chided her, amused.  He sucked her nipple for a couple moments before taking it gently between his teeth.  He didn't think she'd been all that crazy about the nibbling when he'd done it before, so he didn't apply any real pressure, just held it for a moment before switching back to the tongue bath.

"Oh that-- that's _nice_... Um, that's what I was gonna tell you before," she said.  "I was gonna remind you... I'm ready to... I'm ready whenever you are..."

He aligned his face with hers again.  "Naughty girl.  That ain't what I had in mind."  He kissed her lips before they could form that adorable little pout.

"Fuck!  Well, I had to try," she giggled.

"I do wanna take your pants off, though..."

" _That's_ what you want for your birthday?"

"For starters, yes."  His fingers slowly worked her fly as he kissed her.

"Oooo... why do I get the feeling this is gonna be more of a present for me than for you?" she teased.

"Oh, it's definitely for me," he assured her.  _Not that YOU will think so, though..._

She was quick to help him dispense with her jeans, which hit the floor with a soft whoosh.  "The spiders aren't seriously going to go run around in my clothes, are they?"

"Uh... if they're male, maybe jus' your panties."

"Gross!"

He rested his hand on said panties, his thumb lightly rubbing her stomach.  "You can keep 'em on if you want."

"Okayyyy... so... what is it that you want, exactly?"

He kissed her in lieu of answering.  Still slowly, but a little deeper than before... he ghosted his fingers over her crotch a little before dragging a finger up the middle of it, pressing hard enough into the cloth to feel that she was already wet.  His cock instantly stood at full attention.

She scrambled to get her underwear off, and he smiled.  "What about the spiders?"

"They can have 'em," she declared.  "These just get in the way!"  Her panties were about to go the way of her jeans, but Joel grabbed her wrist.

"Jus' lay 'em on the blanket here.  I don' trust this floor, an' you gotta put 'em right back on--"

"Okay, whatever, shut up," she said as she kissed him, eager for more.

Not that the blanket was all that clean, either, but at least it had been washed in the past two weeks.  Joel rested his hand on her inner thigh, and after it sat there a moment, she scooted it over to where she wanted it, moaning into his mouth when she made his fingers touch her.  "So impatient," he teased.

"It's been like two months," she complained.

"Hardly," he laughed.  He rubbed her agonizingly slowly with one finger.  "I think it's only been... hmm..."

"Whatever!" she said again.  "I looooove... your fingers..."

"I thought you loved my mouth."  He kissed her before she could reply.  "I wanna make you love it even more," he breathed.

"Not possible..."

"I disagree."  _I just hope she doesn't freak out this time..._

He'd lovingly kissed both breasts again and was kissing her navel when her brain finally registered his intentions.  "Wait!  Joel -- you _can't._ "

"I _can_... I really, _really_ want to, Ellie... please?"

She hadn't moved, at least.  Just froze.  He waited, moving his finger only the slightest bit... she remained frozen even when he did that.  He dropped a kiss on her stomach.  Kept waiting...

Finally she spoke.  "Can I do it to you?  After?"

He could have anticipated that request.  "No."

"But it's _your_ birthday."

"Don' matter.  I ain't ready for that... not yet." _Or ever, maybe..._

She started to squirm away, but he shifted up a little so he could hold her still.  _I COULD just go for it... I know she'd like it, and once I started, she wouldn't stop me..._ But he couldn't.  Maybe if they were just playing around... but she'd gotten truly upset last time.  And if he expected her to respect _his_ 'no's, he had to respect hers.  "Ellie... if I let you do it with your hands -- your _hand_ \-- would that be all right?"  _God knows I'll need to do it myself anyway, after this..._

"Um..." She laughed nervously.  "That still feels like cheating."

"No!  I wanna do this with you doin' nothin' at all, so..."

"Okay -- but you have to _swear_ you'll let me."

"I swear."

"…Okay."

He expected her to relax then, but he could feel how tense she was.  "Okay?  You sure?"

"Yes -- but if you don't let me do it, I'm never talking to you again.  I mean it.  For the rest of my life."

Joel chuckled.  "Duly noted."  Somehow he thought she would forgive him before too long -- the next day, even -- but he intended to honor the promise.  He kissed his way back down her belly, hitching her legs up over his shoulders.  "Oh -- an' remember you can't be loud."

"If Sophie hears anything... I could tell her I was masturbating?" she suggested, giggling softly.

"With me in here?"

"Sure... maybe you fell asleep already..."

He could've laughed loudly at that himself; the thought of him sleeping through Ellie doing that right next to him was ludicrous.  "Maybe I could find your bra an' use it as a gag."

She giggled.  "How 'bout I'll just be nice and quiet instead."

He kissed her groin lightly, making her quiver.  "Feel free to borrow my hand for a gag if you need it."  He laid a hand on her breast to provide easier access for her.

"Mmm, maybe I like it where it's at...  Oh!  Wait!"

He lifted his head.  "What?"

"I... um... well..."

"Hmm?  Don' be embarrassed."

"It's just... I haven't, like... _shaved_.  Down there.  As I guess you've noticed."

 _Ha!  What the fuck?_   "I know.  I don' care about that."

"Well, I figured that... maybe... since you didn't say anything before, and your finger was... but... well.  Yeah."

“You’re good.”  He was a little surprised she'd even given any thought to grooming that area.  Had even _known_ to give any thought to it.  He wondered what sorts of things she and Sophie talked about when he wasn't around.  But he put that thought out of his mind as he got down to business.

She whimpered as soon as he got to her clit.  He kissed her lightly, dusting his lips over her sex, 'testing the waters,' so to speak... she still seemed a little tense.

"Joel -- that's..."

"What?"

"Maybe this isn't a good idea."

"Why not?"

"It feels too good."

"Psshh!"  He was about to get back to it when she squealed a little.

"No, like... I don't think I'll be able to..."

"To what?"

"Like... control myself?"

"You don' have to... it's jus' like when I touch you."

"Um, except it's your _face_ down there and not your hand!"

Joel chuckled.  "An' you don' gotta do anythin' different."

"Joel!  I'm not going to... _push_ myself at your... that's gross."

"No -- it's hot as hell.  _Hotter_ than hell, actually.  Believe me.  Jus' relax an' do whatever feels good."  He kissed the sweet wetness, dipping his tongue into her folds, and her protests melted into a soft groan.

"Quiet," he reminded her, and she yanked his proffered hand up to her mouth.  It was a little strange to be muzzling her like that, but it was certainly better than Sophie hearing, and it allowed Ellie to be a little more uninhibited.  He knew he should feel at least as dirty as when he touched her in her private areas, but... he didn't feel all that dirty when he did that, either.  At least not anymore.  Not when she enjoyed it so damn much.  His brain knew it was still wrong... he just didn't give a shit.

He couldn't do anything with the muzzle-hand, but with the other, he stroked the soft curls next to his face, using his thumb to supplement his tongue's caresses.  _Holy SHIT is she wet..._

She pulsed into his face -- rather gently, but he figured that would be remedied soon -- and her 'good' hand was pushing his muzzle-hand against her mouth so hard that he had to wonder if it hurt her.

Joel lapped up her musky sweetness; he'd already known what she tasted like, from licking his fingers, but this was better somehow.  It wasn't exactly the sweetness of, say, licking an ice cream cone... _but it's a hell of a lot more erotic_.  And there was no way that gagging her with his dick and shooting his load down her throat was comparable, no matter what she said. 

He teased her entrance with his fingers a little, and that made her buck a little more, but he didn't slide them inside her.  Instead, he slid them upward and sort of scissored them to part her lips, tickling her there with his tongue, and she started to buck at his face harder and faster.  He wasn't sure how long she could last without coming, and it seemed like she was awfully close, even though he'd only been at it for a few minutes at most.  She was 'mmmmmm'ing fairly continuously into his hand -- with her mouth open, because he could feel the wetness there too, and her tongue on his hand... it only aroused him even more -- which he hadn't thought possible, because he was so goddamn aroused right now he wasn't sure he'd be physically able to keep his promise.

He slowly pressed the two fingers against her entrance, and he almost didn't need to slide them any further, because she did the rest of it herself, lifting her ass more and pushing herself forward.  He sloppily kissed her swollen clit as she bucked onto his fingers and into his face.  The muffled noise she was making almost sounded like... _crying_.  He pleasured her that way for maybe another minute, which was rather incredible to him since she'd seemed to be on the brink, a couple times... _okay, now she is for SURE_... she moaned, then whimpered, then went oddly quiet as the speed increased to orgasm-pace... and with one long, final _"MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm"_ into his hand, she flopped back on the bed, chest heaving, legs quivering.

Joel planted little kisses up her belly -- and not to be sweet.  It was a rudimentary means of drying his beard off a little, although he still didn't expect she'd want to kiss him now.  He could live with that.  He just hoped Sophie didn't need anything tonight, because he sure couldn't come up with any other explanation for the lovely scent on his face.  He lingered over Ellie's chest, admiring the way the moonlight played across her smooth young body... _yes, I'm a pervert.  We've established that._

"Holy fucking shit, Joel," she breathed.  She started to tug her shirt back down, but Joel halted that with the strategic placement of his hand.  He nuzzled her neck, waiting for the inevitable 'ewwww.'  A playful shove, maybe.

But she rolled onto her side and hugged him, and even started kissing his face -- his forehead, anyway... eyebrows... nose... and, to his surprise, even his lips.  "You're amaaaaazing," she told him.  "And now it's your turn, even though I won't be anywhere near amazing."

He chuckled.  "My job's easier than yours."

"You think so?"  She started fumbling with his fly.  "Um... I guess you might be right, cuz I get, like... excited, and stuff... right away... I need to be on your other side cuz of my stupid gimp hand..."

"Your body's nice an' soft... beautiful," he commented as she rearranged herself on his left side.  "Mine, not so much."

She smirked.  "You're beautiful too, Joel!  In a manly sort of way."

"Don' lie.  An' here, let me... don' use your bad hand..."

"You can undo _my_ pants with one hand," she pouted.  "I can't even do it with one and a half?"

He chuckled.  "My hands are a 'lil bigger than yours, kiddo."

"That shouldn't matter.  I think I just need more practice... and omigod, I forgot how huge you are.  No wonder you don't wanna have sex -- _you_ don't think it'll fit either!"

 _Ha!_   He wasn't that big, but Ellie had no basis for comparison -- she'd clearly forgotten about Bill's magazine, or she would presumably find him lacking in size.  Joel didn't bother taking his pants off, and he just poked through his boxers rather than tugging those down.  He shifted completely onto his back to make it a little easier for her.  "It'll fit jus' fine, an' it ain't that I don't _want_ sex.  As you know."

"Yeah, yeah.  Hey, remember how you said... you'd make it up to me?"

 _Huh?_   "...no?"

"Well, I think you should let me return the favor for--"

"No."

"But--"

"I said no."

She sighed.  “Okay, so... I'll just... like... God, after what you just did, this is so lame."

"No it ain't."  She seemed nervous for some reason.  And oddly reluctant to touch him, even though she'd done it several times before.  "Why are you so..."

"So what?"

"Don' worry so much.  It's jus' me."

"Just you."  Ellie snorted.  "Only the most important person in the world."

"Only the person who _loves_ you more than anyone else," he reminded her.

"That doesn't mean you won't laugh at me if I do something weird."

"You know I don' mean to make you feel--"

"Right -- you don't _laugh_ at me, you _enjoy_ me.  Pfffff."

"I do."

"Okay, whatever."  She seemed to find whatever courage she needed, because she finally took firm hold of his dick.  "Is that good?"

"Mmhmm.  There's already some..." He guided her hand to the head, which was slick with pre-come. 

"I could swipe some off myself first," she said with a grin.  "I've got enough slime for both of us.  Thanks to you."

"Could come in handy some time, sure."  He usually put his hand over hers to start her off, but he found that she didn't need it this time; she fell into a nice steady rhythm.  _Ahhhhh... that's it, baby girl..._ "That's good... yeah, jus' like that..."

"I _could_ just rub it directly on there..."  She started to lift her leg like she was going to straddle him.

"No, Ellie," he growled.  "Shit, we shoulda put your pants back on first.  At least your underwear."

"What are you afraid of, huh?" she teased -- and he knew that she knew perfectly well what he was afraid of.  But she did lower her leg.  "Afraid you might _accidentally_ have sex with me?"

And of course, now that very image was in his head.  He closed his eyes and saw Ellie rubbing her sex against him... all warm and soft and wet... so fucking _wet_... then, _oops!_  in it goes, making Ellie's head fall back... slack-jawed with pleasure... moaning as she rode him...

"Does that feel good?"

"Very..."  He hugged her close and kissed her forehead.  He wanted to kiss her on the mouth, but even though she'd given him a chaste kiss on the lips earlier, he didn't think she'd appreciate a sensual kiss right now, especially since she'd already had her turn.  In his little fantasy, though, she wasn't sated yet... the Ellie in his fantasies was nearly insatiable.  _I shouldn't be fantasizing about her now, though -- she's right fucking HERE..._ He shouldn't let Ellie inadvertently plant distracting fantasies like that in his head.  He kept his lips pressed to her forehead.  "S'nice... little faster now, if you can... yeahhh..."

"Can I kiss it?"

"What?  No -- hand only."  _Not that your sweet little mouth on my dick wouldn't be fucking amazing... damn, girl, you really do drive me crazy..._

"Not like a real... just a little tiny kiss.  On the top.  Please?"

In spite of what he'd just tried to tell himself about not fantasizing, now he was imagining her doing that... hovering over him, delivering the little kiss as intended, but instead of backing off afterward, _she wants to keep kissing it... she presses her lips there a moment, then opens her mouth to cover the head... her tongue starts darting around..._

"Pleeeease?"

 _I'm a sick fuck:_  "All right," he heard himself say.

"Really?"

 _She's surprised -- I should take it back._  But since he was indeed a sick fuck, he didn't.  "Jus' a real quick one.  If you want."

She kept up with the hand strokes, to her credit, and positioned her face close to his dick.  Joel was so weak-willed right now that if she actually started sucking it in earnest, he probably wouldn't have stopped her.  But of course, she didn't.  She did what she'd asked to do -- just pressed her lips to it for a second, then returned to the crook of his arm.  "Did that feel good?" she asked him.

It did, actually, brief though it was -- a wave of pleasure overtook the little ripples her hand was producing... her hand, in conjunction with his imagination.  "Ellie..."

"Joel," she whispered, as if answering a question.

He pulled her face to his and kissed her hungrily... big, sloppy, open-mouthed kisses.  It took her a moment longer than usual, but she did kiss him back.  He engulfed her hand with his again and increased the stroking speed.  "I'm close," he warned her.

"Let me do it!" she protested, so he dropped his hand.

Her hand wasn't quite as fast as his, and it slipped a couple times... on the whole, though, she was doing a good job.  Then she kissed him, dividing her concentration, but she was starting to get a little better at multi-tasking, too... she brought him right to the edge.  He grabbed her hand again.  "Jus' hold your hand right there... like... there, don' move it..."  He started thrusting into her hand.  It was easier that way.  He grunted a little as he came, making a mess on both their hands, then fell back against the mattress, completely slack, panting.  "Whewwww."

"You didn't moan," Ellie complained good-naturedly.

"I don't moan," he reminded her.

She laid her head on his chest.  Wiped her hand on his stomach.  "It was weird, like... tasting myself when I kissed you."

He chuckled.  "Sorry.  I didn' know if you'd be okay with that or not..."

"Me neither," she admitted.  "But after the first couple seconds, I didn't really notice anymore.  And like... seriously, Joel, if you taste like that, it's because... um... I mean, you _deserve_ to be kissed after that."

He laughed.  "You're cute."  _And I'm a dirty old man, fantasizing your innocence away..._ no real harm in fantasizing, he reckoned, since he only did it when aroused -- and only some of the time.  He didn't really _want_ Ellie to be like the fantasy version; he wanted to preserve the innocence he was stealing.  Fucked up as that was.

She planted a little kiss on his chest before tilting her head to look at him.  "What do we do about the..."

The mess.  There wasn't much they could do.  They couldn't wash up decently without taking a hike down to the river (or, at the very least, the makeshift horse trough -- but how rude would _that_ be to the poor horses), and it wasn't like they had tissues.  They could dilute it with drinking water, he supposed (even though that was better spent on quenching their thirst or caring for Ellie's burn), but then... the towel was shared with Sophie, so that was out.  Joel bunched up the blanket and pulled it over his abdomen.  "Jus' use this.  We'll wash it... eventually."

Ellie giggled and kissed his cheek.  "Well, I hope this birthday was happier than any of your others.  You got to come, so..."

Like _that_ was the thing that made this birthday special.  He smiled.  "First one I've spent with you, so yes, happy.  Well, second, technically, but this is the first one I was aware of, so that other one don' count.  Do me one last favor?"

"Sure!"

"Go open the door a little.  I'm gonna fall asleep real soon, I think."  _I should take a piss, too, but I sure as hell don't feel like going outside... maybe I can just shoot it out the window..._

She left the door ajar as requested, and got dressed before climbing back into bed, leaving her fly undone, just to be a tad more comfy.  Sophie did occasionally come check to see if they were awake in the mornings if she woke first -- at least, she had at times when Joel was already awake but allowing Ellie to sleep a little longer.  She'd found him curled around her more than once.  If she found that creepy, she hid it very well, because usually she'd catch his eye and smile... one of those _"awww so cute"_ smiles that girls had.

"Thank you, Joel," Ellie said as she snuggled up to him.

He folded her into his arms and held her tight.  "You're welcome, though I'm sure you don' need to be thankin' me for whatever it is."

"Yeah I do!  God.  That was... _beyond_ amazing.  You're... totally my hero.  Like, even more than before."

Joel had to grin.  "Damn, that's all it takes to be your hero?"

"That's _all?!_   That was fucking-- I mean, holy _fuck_ , Joel... any time you feel like doing that, you... just go ahead and do it.  I don't care where we are, or if Sophie's around, or... _anything."_

As if he could make a habit of that out here.  But her enthusiasm was adorable.  "You're welcome," he repeated.

"But even more than... _that_ , um... I have to thank you for..." She wriggled up to whisper in his ear.  _"You let me kiss your dick."_

Joel chuckled.  "Don' remind me.  That was bad."

"No, it was _awesome._ Next time--"

_"No."_

She giggled softly into his shoulder.  "You didn't even hear what I was gonna say!"

"It was a one-time deal."

"Aww, no fair."

"Life ain't fair."

She was quiet a moment.  "No, it's not.  It's been so... like... unbelievably unfair to me -- way too _good_ , though, not bad.  Most people say that like it's bad but I think it could really go either way, don't you?  'Unfair' means 'not fair,' which just means... some people are luckier than others."

Joel wasn't sure how many people would agree with her that life was 'too good,' given her rough life so far.  Even their relationship now was... good, yes, but fraught with issues that other couples didn't have.  _She's just too sweet_.  "Love you, baby girl."

"Love y-- oh my God.  Joel!  I totally forgot!  I have a real present for you!"

He chuckled.  "You already gave--"

"A real present!  It's wrapped and everything!  I can't believe I forgot.  I was going to surprise you with it as soon as we got in here.  Turn the light back on!  And sit up!"  She was scrambling toward where they'd deposited their back packs before he could even find the flashlight.  But he obligingly sat up and shone the light over there while she rooted around in her bag until she found it.  "Ta-da!" she said gaily as she handed him the gift and snuggled up next to him again.  She plucked the flashlight from his hand and turned it toward the little gift-wrapped rectangular thing.  "Open it!"

He wasn't actively trying _not_ to think about Sarah.  That last night had haunted him for years... maybe it still did.  The _if only_ s that hounded him relentlessly at first had gradually abated into a reluctant sort of acceptance of the unchangeable facts -- the series of missteps -- leading up to the outcome:  _I didn't put enough stock in the warning signs to get the hell outta Dodge beforehand.  I was grumpy and cross with Sarah on her last night on Earth.  I didn't tell her I loved her, one last time.  I let Tommy drive.  I trusted that the soldier wouldn't open fire on a little girl._

And, the hardest pill to swallow:  _I didn't take the bullet for my daughter._

He'd never told Ellie the details.  As eager as she'd been to hear his account of the apocalypse, she was sensitive enough not to poke at old wounds, once she identified them as such.  Even if he'd tried to forget Sarah in this moment, it would've been impossible.  But it actually didn't make him sad.  There Ellie was, smiling and hopeful, perhaps a smidge anxious at what his reaction would be.  "You didn't have to get me anythin'," he grumbled; one might think he'd be dousing her with gratitude, given his regrets, but he didn't.  "I told you--"

“I know what you told me.  But you know how you said that... um... what you did before was for you?  Not me?  Even though it was totally for me?  That's what this is like!"  She sounded adorably proud of the connection she'd drawn there.  "I wanted to pick something out, and wrap it myself -- I was going to use the kids' construction paper, but I knew we had actual paper that you're supposed to put on gifts, so I wanted to use that kind, and make it more... you know... _legit_ \-- so I went to Sue and she let me pick what kind of that, too -- notice how it's, like... not girly?  I know you're not into fishing poles and stuff but it's more... outdoorsy, at least, or... more _guy_ -like than kittens and flowers and shit.  And I thought you'd like dark green better than pink or purple.  So she asked me how much I needed, and I overestimated it on purpose in case I fucked up the first time.  Which is a good thing cuz I _under_ -overestimated it and used almost the whole thing -- and I _did_ fuck up the first time, so it's... sort of wrinkled, more than it should be... especially right there... she offered to help me wrap it but I said no way -- besides, I didn't want her to see what I got you, in case she... well, never mind.  I just wanted to do it myself.  Even though I don't know how.  So it prob'ly looks worse than any other gift you've ever gotten in your life -- but I know I got the top of it right -- see how the whole thing is one... piece, like?  One side?  No ends of the paper on top.  I was supposed to put a bow on it too, I know, but I figured you wouldn't mind if I skipped that part.  Bows are... you know.  Not manly.  And it would've got squished in my bag anyway.  I thought about ribbon cuz I could've taken that from the kids' stuff too -- or yarn.  That would've worked good.  But I liked it okay this way and figured you... prob'ly don't care about that, like... decorative stuff?  Right? ... ... ...Joel, this whole time I've been talking you haven't even interrupted me once."

Of course he hadn't.  Her whole spiel was cute as hell.  And the thought of her going to so much trouble... "I don' see how any of that makes it for you, an' not for me."

"Duh -- because all of that was fun!  Because how often do I ever get to do anything for you?  Now I--"

"Every day," he interrupted this time.  "You do things for me every day, even if you don' realize it.  Remember we talked about that?"

"Yeah -- stuff that doesn't count.  I mean actually, _physically_ doing something for you.  To make you happy.  Or... is _supposed_ to make you happy.  People are usually happy when they get gifts."

"Even though I told you I don' celebrate my birthday."

"Well... it's no big deal.  Just something little.  And I didn't tell Sophie!"

She liked to point that out.  Joel would concede that that much was just as much for her sake as for his.  If she had told Sophie ahead of time, would Sophie have given him a gift, too?  And if she told Sophie today, would Sophie try to make some kind of fuss over him?  Give him a hug or something, at least?  Maybe.  And he was pretty sure that Ellie wanted his birthday to be a private thing that only the two of them shared.  Which suited Joel just fine.

He sensed that she was struggling not to get upset with him... probably because he was acting so ungrateful.  He squished her against his side and kissed her forehead.  "You shouldn't've gone to so much trouble.  But... it does sound like you enjoyed it--"

"I did!"

"--and it was real nice of you to... be so thoughtful.  Thank you."

"You haven't even opened it yet!"

He kissed her brow, her cheek, her nose, and finally, her lips.  "Whatever it is, I love it."

She giggled.  "Liar.  You can't say that when you don't even know what it is."

"I already know what it is.  It's somethin' you picked out for me, an' went to all this trouble of--"

"It wasn't any trouble!" Ellie insisted, even though a minute earlier she'd been all too eager to share every detail of exactly how much trouble it was.  "Just fucking open it already!"

He had one arm around Ellie, so he flipped it over with one hand and started undoing the crumply mass of... untraditionally-arranged giftwrap underneath.  "You got tape, too."

"Yeah, from the kids -- Sue offered me some, but it was easier to just steal it from their bin and return it the next afternoon."

Joel was completely prepared to put on a little show of fake enthusiasm for whatever she'd selected for him, but found that he didn't have to.  "What... how did you..."

"I stole it," she admitted -- and not sheepishly, either.  In fact, she sounded rather gleeful.  "I could've checked it out for reals -- under your name though cuz I already had a book out -- but that would mean you have to give it back eventually, and I wanted you to keep it.  Like a real gift."

What he'd really been asking was how did she know to choose this particular author.  Joel didn't read enough -- or at all, really -- to have a favorite, and he'd actually never even read any of this one's work, either, but if he _were_ to have the desire to read a novel, he reckoned this guy wouldn't be half bad.

"Do you like it?" Ellie asked after he'd been quiet a moment.  "I picked it cuz... I remembered at dinner Tommy said you never returned his copy of something by this dude, years ago... I don't think he said the name of the book, but the author's name stuck with me cuz I liked it...  Louis L'Amour.  Isn't that a cool name?  And you said you never even read it, that it was just sitting in your house.  You never got around to it.  And Tommy was always more of a reader than you were."

"Did you steal this from Tommy?" he teased.

"Nooooo!  The library!" she scoffed.

"Ellie, this is... I'm impressed.  That conversation... that was right after we got to Jackson, wasn' it?"  Had to be late April... early May at the latest.

"Yep!  My memory's better than yours, remember?"

"I'll say it is.  Thank you, baby girl."  He gave her another squeeze.  "I love you."

"But do you love _it?"_ she prodded.

"Yes.  Though I can't say I know when I'm gonna _get around to it,_ still."

"Some time when we're on a break -- maybe one of those all-day breaks we talked about -- I'm going to stand watch whether you like it or not and you're going to read it."

"The whole thing?"

"Maybe not the whole thing at once," she allowed, "but this one has different stories so you can break it down and like-- oh! I also liked _this_ particular one because the title is _so_ you, isn't it?"

 _Mistakes Can Kill You_.  Joel snorted.  "It sure is."

"Anyway, you can just start it... do a few pages at a time... but maybe you'll see why me and Sophie like reading so much and you'll want to keep going."

Joel understood the concept of losing yourself in a book.  In his old life, he simply hadn't had time.  He'd read to Sarah when she was little, but that hardly counted.  In Jackson, he had other leisure activities he'd rather be doing.  On this trip, he couldn't imagine letting his guard down enough for something so... well, indulgent.  Unnecessary.  Possibly not even enjoyable.  But Ellie had it all planned out, and he would give it a shot if it made her happy.  "I'm sure I'll like it better than your wolf book, or Sophie's... girl book."

She giggled a little at that.  "There's sex in that one.  That's not girly.  It's... girl-boy-ly."

"You been readin' her book?"  _How did I miss that?_

"No, but she told me.  When we were peeing, one time."

Given that it was a romance novel, Ellie probably could have worked out the content on her own... but still.  "Maybe I oughta have a little talk with Sophie about what's an appropriate conversation topic an' what ain't."

"Ugh, Joeeellllll," she sort of... drawl-whined.  "You're not my dad.  Remember?!"

"That don' mean that--"

"Yes it does mean that!  You and me are the adults on this trip and Sophie's the kid.  _Remember?!"_

"I remember."  Maybe it wasn't necessary to lay down the law in that regard, but Joel still didn't want Sophie filling Ellie's head with garbage.  It wouldn't hurt to have a word with her about it.  _An awkward-as-hell word..._ that he might not ever find the opportunity to have, even if he could force himself to broach the topic.  Ellie usually tried to work things so that he and Sophie were never alone (she never said so, but he'd deduced as much).  Even if it meant that she took Sophie along for potty breaks and horse chores.  She wasn't _acting_ jealous so much these days, and yet... that behavior continued. 

_Baby girl, one of these days you're going to know exactly how much I love you, all the time -- whether we're together or apart -- and you'll stop doubting it, or expecting it to go away at any moment._

That was Joel's birthday wish -- and since it was one he had some control over, he had every hope that it would come true someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sheepish* That collection of stories that Ellie chose actually wasn't released until 2014, and I try to be mindful of such things, but I just HAD to use it. Maybe in Wyoming, things were still getting published and people were still buying them at the time? Yeahhh


	36. Gut Feelings

**Day 41**

Sometimes, Joel had to wonder what the hell he'd been thinking when he set out on a long, arduous journey with two females. 

_Yes, Ellie, I'm sexist._   But there were certain things that just weren't an issue with dudes:   unnecessary drama, and 'female troubles.'  It definitely could have been worse, though.  Most of the time, the ladies were pleasant enough; they didn't whine and bitch, even when the circumstances might warrant a little whining and bitching.  The two of them got along pretty well with each other, despite Joel's misgivings about that early on.  It wasn't in Ellie's nature to be constantly hateful ('tough kid' or not), and it helped that Sophie wasn't trying to seduce him at every turn.  Or at all, actually.  She may have flirted a little in the beginning (Ellie thought so, although some of what she counted as flirting, Joel considered ordinary friendliness), but more often than not, Sophie made remarks in line with Joel and Ellie being a couple.  He even wondered if maybe she suspected... but if she did, wouldn't she have said something by now?

He didn't need to be privy to Sophie's menstrual cycles, but she seemed to think the knowledge was prudent for trip purposes.  Joel figured she and Ellie could compare notes, or whatever -- _just leave me out of it_ , was his attitude.  Whatever physical discomfort Sophie had, she endured quietly.  She warned them that she might get cranky and weepy beforehand.  There was one night in particular that stood out in Joel's memory, when they were all preparing dinner together.  Sophie was having trouble working the can opener, which she'd done successfully in the past, but the thing could be a little tricky... she'd gotten so frustrated that she chucked it as far as she could and promptly burst into tears.  Joel and Ellie had looked at each other, each of them sporting identical _"what do we do now?"_ expressions. 

Joel's solution was to just amble after the offending can opener, maybe pretend he couldn't find it for an extra minute or so, and give Sophie a chance to collect herself... although, that did leave Ellie there to deal with her -- and he caught the sarcastic _"thanks a lot"_ look she shot him before he left.  Ellie just went ahead and talked to her. 

He had allowed them to talk for a few minutes before wandering back within earshot:

_"That totally helps, though, Soph!  If me and Joel had to worry about the horses running off every time we had to fight--"_

_"It's not the same as-- I mean, you can just stick them in the nearest house and go fight when you have to.  Just like I do!"_

_"Yeah, well, then we'd have to take the time to do that-- and last time, when you came back--"_

_"Joel yelled at me for that."_

_"...Well, he does that.  For stupid reasons sometimes.  You DIDN'T leave the horses unsecured, though, and just saying 'BEHIND YOU' and stuff like that... it's helpful.  That's actually all I did at first, leaving Boston."_

_"Yeah, but only because Joel didn't know you could shoot just as good as him.  Right?  I'm more of a liability than an asset.  Remember how I couldn't even remember exactly WHERE I'd stashed the horses?"_

_“Those houses all looked alike.  And we found them."_

_"Eventually!"_

_"Oh, come on, that was kind of funny."_

_"Joel wasn't laughing."_

_"So what?  I think that made it funnier, actually."_

_"To YOU... I actually don’t happen to LIKE pissing him off!"_

_"Don’t you?  You should.  It's pretty fun.  Anyway, you're doing fine... and YOU hired US, remember?  We're supposed to do all the hard stuff."_

_"I don't think 'hired' is the right word when you're doing it for free.  More like TRICKED.  Played on your sympathies.  Took advantage of your generosity.  All that good stuff."_

_"Pffffff.  Joel and I WANTED to leave.  We're getting a beach vacation out of this!  Isn't that right, Joel?  Yeah, I know you can hear us way over there..."_

That incident aside, Sophie's mood and behavior hadn't changed noticeably during That Time.  Ellie, on the other hand...

She'd gotten her period the day after his birthday.  In the days leading up to it, she'd acted a little peculiar at times (whether he could blame any of it on PMS, though, he couldn't say for sure), including the day of his birthday... she'd been a little moodier.  Oversensitive.  Several weeks had passed since then, so he figured it was time again.  This past week, she'd been quicker to anger, sometimes looking to pick fights, it seemed... she was overly emotional when she apologized later... _if_ she apologized; Joel truly thought she was unaware of the difference in her behavior some of the time. 

He wasn't allowed to tease her about it -- not until afterwards.  Next week, it would be fair game.  Now, it only irritated her.  Even when Joel innocently asked her what day it was (since she was the only one of them keeping track), she snapped at him for implying that she was being extra bitchy... which, of course, she _was_ , and which, of course, was indeed the reason he was curious about the date (Ellie’s cycles were pretty regular now), but for all she knew, it could've been random curiosity.

The three of them spending pretty much every waking moment together only exacerbated the strain... and maybe it was wishful thinking on Joel's part, but the bright side of Ellie not trying to be ~perfect~ all the time was that it meant she felt safer with him now -- definitely more so than their first trip.  Not physically safer, but safer in the knowledge that Joel loved her for who she was, as a person in her own right and not just someone who did things that pleased him.  And maybe it was because he loved her so much... but Joel didn't find her intolerable.  In fact, except maybe for when he was drop-dead tired, her irritation amused him more often than not -- and, naturally, if he didn't hide that from her, it only served to irritate her further.

Sophie didn't have that bond with Ellie.  Ellie could be real sweet when she wanted to be, but when she was upset... a little vitriol could negate all the former sweetness in a hurry.  The _"of course you're helping"_ turned into _"you always fuck everything up,"_ and the like -- and the girls did get into it a couple times.  Especially after Spirit disappeared. 

That had happened a little over a week ago.  Sophie had been the one who picketed the horses that night, and she swore she'd done it the same way as always, but Ellie said obviously not, since he'd gone some time during the night.  Both horses had wandered a bit from time to time when not picketed, and one time, they'd gotten out of a yard with a dodgy gate -- but someone had always been near enough that they didn't actually lose the horses.  This time, it had been overnight.  Sophie said someone must have stolen Spirit, and someone very well could have.  They'd never know.  Although if that was the case, why wouldn't they also have taken Poppy?  Even a solo thief could have handled two horses with lead ropes.  A horse was a valuable commodity that could be used for trade, if not for work or transportation -- or, if someone didn't want to look after it, it could even serve as food.  Joel didn't want to speculate, but he thought Ellie was probably right.  He wouldn't come out and say so, though, which Ellie interpreted as him not being on her 'side.'

She'd been so heartbroken that day... they'd spent a great deal of time combing the area, calling to the horse like he was a lost dog who would just come running when he heard his name.  Ellie insisted that he wouldn't leave her on purpose, that he loved her... and Joel thought that was probably true to a certain extent.  But he was still a horse -- a horse who wanted to be free.  Hell, maybe he wanted to go home to Jackson... or was it just dogs who went on journeys like that to get home?  Anyway, he was gone, and they couldn't find him, and waiting around in that region for him to return was not an option Joel was willing to entertain for long.  Ellie managed to get him to wait a little longer than he intended, but not much; there was just no guarantee that it wasn't a big old waste of time.  She'd wanted to take his saddle, but the thing was too clunky, so Joel promised her they could go back for it if they found him soon.  If they found him later, they could try riding bareback until they could scavenge another saddle.

It did break his heart a little to see her steel herself... to hear the bitter mutterings of how everyone always leaves her eventually anyway.  She didn't seem to want any comfort from him, either, which made him feel even more powerless to help her.  He hated seeing her like that.

Having only one horse didn't slow them down too badly, but it did tire Joel out more.  'Sexist pig' that he was, he refused to ride while one of the girls walked, and all three of them couldn't ride at the same time, especially with all their gear.  Joel carried extra himself.  The girls took turns walking, too, some of the time.  They both rode together for at least half of the day... most days (if Ellie was particularly annoyed with Sophie, she would walk rather than ride with her).  Ellie was always on the alert for Spirit, and every time she thought she saw or heard something that might be him, she ended up disappointed.

They had encountered some more Infected... and some regular humans... nothing they couldn't handle.  Joel would err on the side of caution with survivors, but the majority of the people hadn't needed to be killed.  Most could be avoided with a slight change in course.  Of those who couldn't, some had been content to go on by in peace.  Some wanted to trade, but those negotiations didn't result in much; Joel and company didn't have much they were willing to give up, and the other party didn't have much that would serve their immediate needs.  Some just flat out wanted to rob them -- and those were the ones who got killed.  That tended to happen more at night, when thieves got bolder.  Hell, that's when he and Ellie had done their best thieving -- on the first trip, when they'd had next to no provisions to start with.  People did get distracted at night; they would let their guard down, either from exhaustion or from a false sense of security.

And then there were the two guys that Joel shot 'for no reason' (according to Ellie).  Except he did have a reason:  his gut didn't like them.  It especially didn't like the way they were looking at the girls.  He'd sized them up, decided they'd be no loss to humanity, and that was that.  Sophie had been surprised... Ellie, not so much.  At least that was one thing that hadn't irritated her...

Apparently, the cold weather was Joel's fault.  It had been a little drier lately, which Joel welcomed, but there was a chill in the air that comes with fall.  Ellie had expected it to be warmer.  It seemed that she felt as soon as they crossed into California, they should have been warm -- never mind that it was late October now.  Joel's attempts to explain the difference between northern California and southern California fell on deaf ears, and he couldn't do it very well without referencing temperatures, which meant next to nothing to Ellie.  She'd been taught the concept in school, and some people in Jackson had thermometers, but without the numbers seeping into their heads repeatedly via daily weather reports from the old days, the measurement was too abstract to have any meaning for her.  Sophie had pointed out that the state they'd just come from, Nevada, was actually warmer than California, but Ellie had already gotten it into her head that there'd be nothing but endless sunshine warming them from here on out, and that was that.  There was indeed some sunshine, perhaps more than they'd seen thus far, but the air was still chilly at times, especially when it was windy.  This was Joel's fault, because he'd said their winter would definitely be warmer than Jackson's -- a true statement.  How this translated to 'you'll never be cold again,' Joel wasn't sure, but he _was_ sure that now wasn't the time to try to reason with her.

He and Ellie had all but stopped the 'quality time with nature' shenanigans.  They only did it when one of them really did need to go (they had to keep up the 'buddy system' charade for Sophie's sake anyhow), and it was usually just a fairly quick embrace... only a few kisses.  Joel had noticed a significant drop in his sex drive of late... and Ellie had noticed it, too, when the little fooling around they did engage in failed to produce the usual results.  And although she'd always seemed to take that in stride in the past, now she'd decided to take it personally:

_"Joel... are you okay?  What's wrong?"_

_"Nothin'... that jus' happens sometimes."_

_"Is it me?"_

_"No."_

_"It HAS to be..."_

_"No, Ellie--"_

_"You're not attracted to me anymore."_

_"No, it's got nothin' to do with that."_

_"Well, it's not like it's getting worn out... I mean, we haven't... since your birthday..."_

_"Maybe IT'S not, but the rest of me is."_

_"Really?  That would affect it, you think?"_

_"It did on the trip from Boston."_

_"What?!  But you... we weren't together then."_

_"Right.  I wasn' thinkin' of you that way.  Just… uh… in general… I think I was so focused on survival that I jus' didn'... have those urges.  Not that I would've anyway, towards you…"_

_"Why not?  Not like anyone else was there... you know.  After."_

_"I wasn't in love with you.  You were jus' some bratty kid I had to--"_

_"I wasn't bratty!"_

_"Yep, jus' some snot-nosed kid barely out of diapers... ow!"_

_"I'll hit you harder if you don't admit you wanted me from the very beginning."_

_"You want me to lie?"_

_"Okay, whatever -- you wouldn't admit it to yourself for a long time, so I guess that's why you can't admit it now.  But--"_

_"Ellie, I really did think of you as a daughter.  For a long time.  You know that.  That's why this was... confusin', at first.  Still is, sometimes."_

_"Okay, but... now that you DO have those feelings... or you used to--"_

_"I still do."_

_"Then why can't... even when we're safe, like this?  And Sophie's not around..."_

_"We ain't all that safe.  And I really think it's a biological thing.  Bein' in survival mode.  We're eatin' less than before, yet we're physically active most of the day... gotta be on high alert most of the time... not gettin' good sleep... it's drainin'."_

_"So when we get to the beach and relax a little, it'll come back?"_

_"I think so."_

_"What if it doesn't?"_

_"It will, eventually.  Jus' don' know when."_

_"So I just... wait."_

_"You don' got much choice.  Not like we were havin' sex anyway... maybe my body figured that out an' thought it was a waste of time to get... ready."_

_"Ha!  Well, I'VE been ready.  And waiting forever."_

_"You'll jus' have to wait a little longer.  If you really can't wait, well... I s'pose there's Sophie..."_

_"Fuck you!  Why would you say that?!"_

_"...Ellie, I'm jus' teasin.' "_

_"Well, it's not funny."_

_"All right, I'm sorry."_

_"I don't LIKE her like that.  Why would you think--"_

_"I was kiddin', kiddo -- relax!"_

She got a little weird about Sophie sometimes.

By now, Ellie seemed to have lost some interest in fooling around as well.  Whether it was for the reasons he suspected for himself, or just a reaction to his own apathy, he couldn't say.  He still enjoyed kissing her... holding her... but more and more, it felt like an unnecessary risk.  They still had the bedtime snuggling, at least.  Joel would have thought that the more exhausted he was, the better he'd sleep, but that didn't seem to be the case.  Truth be told, he didn't really _want_ to sleep that well -- his brain was rewired enough by now to operate in the proverbial 'one eye open' state.  He could function fairly well on night after night of this.  He slept a little more when they took an occasional day off from traveling.  'Mental health days,' Sophie called them.  On those days, he did take short naps during the daytime, because Ellie promised to wake him at any sign of trouble.  He trusted her judgment on that.  And yes, he also allowed her to stand guard while he read his birthday book, but only for brief periods; he couldn’t focus well enough on the words to really get into the story, and figured it might be better to save it for when they returned to Jackson… or wherever they ended up. 

Injury-wise, they'd been fortunate.  Ellie's hand had healed pretty nicely, and the worst wound Joel had suffered so far was a bullet grazing his arm.  They still had the penicillin should they need it down the road, and he was glad he hadn't jumped the gun by using it for Ellie's hand.  Once she regained full use of it, she'd started giving him shoulder or back massages every night.  This came about after Sophie had caught him stretching one night... she'd made a comment about how his back must be killing him, and offered to help him out.  He reckoned she must've known Ellie would never allow that -- and then Ellie had felt guilty for not thinking of it herself.  But then, why would she when she was so young, unburdened by the aches and pains of middle age?  Even so, he did return the favor sometimes... but only when Sophie was in her tent.  Not that it was a sexual thing... but it did feel more intimate than typical father-daughter relations.  And if it was completely innocent, then he should do it for Sophie, too.  _HA!_   Nope, best to just leave her out of things.  Ellie did offer her services to Sophie a couple times, but Joel got the feeling it was more of a perfunctory thing -- and perhaps Sophie did too, as she would decline, and then Ellie stopped asking.

Sophie hadn't been harmed by either Infected or survivors, but the woman seemed to be her own worst enemy.  She'd been stung by a wasp.  Nearly attacked by a bear, which Joel managed to shoot between the eyes in time (and it was confirmed that he still did _not_ care for bear meat, even after burning the shit out of it).  She'd wiped her ass with poison ivy -- and they'd only reverted to using foliage for that after she'd managed to drop the second roll of toilet paper in a horse trough when trying to put it away.  She'd spilled her entire dinner in the dirt.  Gotten so turned around when going tinkle in the woods that she had to yell for them upon realizing she was lost.  Cut herself with the hunting knife, deep enough to need stitches.  She'd managed to lose her gun somewhere... and apparently, she'd noticed that two days before Joel even noticed it wasn't in her holster -- she'd just figured it was already too late to do anything about it, so why mention it.  Joel couldn't pretend he wasn't seriously irritated with her for that one; if she'd spoken up, they might have been able to retrace their steps and locate it.  They had enough weapons that it wasn't exactly a crisis, though, and he wasn't looking to kill the next person they happened upon who had a pistol -- that would likely happen organically soon enough. 

None of these sorts of things happened to Joel or Ellie, but Sophie seemed to have a knack for it.  The latest was... not exactly a fall -- more of a misstep -- off the horse, resulting in a fucked-up ankle.  Joel was pretty sure it wasn't broken, but whether it was sprained or twisted or whatever-the-fuck, he couldn't say.  This was the second day, and Sophie still couldn't put any weight on it, so they had to help her walk.  As annoyed as Ellie was about this, she was eager to be the one to serve as her crutch.  It didn't take a genius to figure out why.  And though it wasn't like the poor woman had fallen on purpose, it was hard not to resent her for it, at least a little.  _Ellie's doing enough resenting for the both of us..._

It was late afternoon, a bit early for them to stop... although the sun kept setting earlier and earlier, shortening their days if they let it.  But they were in Sacramento now, and Joel wanted to take advantage of being in a big city -- by scavenging the shit out of it.  You would think that after twenty-one years, all the good stuff would be gone, but as they'd learned last year, there was plenty that either got overlooked or re-abandoned by its previous owner.  They'd run out of Esther's amazing beef jerky by now, and they were doing half rations on what was left of the bread (the PB2 was, unfortunately for Ellie, all used up).  They were finding plenty of fresh fruit along the way.  Since they couldn't bring a lot of canned food with them to begin with, finding some cans was always a major score... along with ammo and batteries... and Joel really hoped to find more bandages.  They'd gone through a lot of them for Ellie's hand.  And now they'd come to a cluster of medical facilities... or what remained of them.

The place -- the entire city, actually, or at least what they'd seen so far -- looked like an earthquake had hit it.  Joel figured if it wasn't that, it was major saturation bombing.  To wipe out such a large area seemed excessive, but it wasn't unfathomable.  There were more corpses here than anywhere else on the trip so far, but no more than, say, Pittsburgh.  Joel remembered, back in the early days after the outbreak, when the bodies would get removed from such scenes... when attempts were made to identify them and notify their families, and give them proper burials.  Back when people still had hope that things would return to normal.  Time and unrelenting turmoil had eventually extinguished that hope, and people stopped giving a fuck.  Dead bodies littering the streets became accepted as normal.

Presently, the girls were ahorse and Joel was afoot.  He surveyed the ten-story building in front of them; it was tilted at about a 60-degree angle, with several of the lower floors quite flattened.  As long as he could find a way up, that place was ripe for scavenging:  lots of search area condensed into a fairly small space.  And the leaning made it seem unlikely to be inhabited… _unless that’s exactly why someone WOULD choose to stay there, and be overlooked…_ He scanned all the windows for signs of movement, as was customary with all the buildings they encountered.  Most of the windows on this one were broken, so sound would carry better... _no Infected._

Ellie didn't like it.  "I dunno... I know we've gone through crooked buildings before, but... that one's huge.  And how's Sophie gonna get up there?  Even if you find some unblocked stairs--"

"Well, I was thinkin' you could take Poppy over to that park across the street.  She hasn' had much to eat today."  They'd been on pavement most of the day, and her only sustenance had been the 'fruit cocktail' they'd made for her at lunchtime.  "At least one of those floors has gotta have bandages an' gauze an' maybe some other first aid type shit."  Or so he hoped; medical buildings didn't necessarily house medical supplies anymore.

"Okay."  She twisted around to look at her passenger.  "Think you can handle taking her over there yourself?  If you just slide off on your right side, you prob'ly don't need help--"

Joel cut in.  "Whoa whoa whoa -- no, Ellie, I meant for both of you to go."

"What?  And let you go in there by yourself?!"

"It's got a solid foundation of... fucked-up floors.  It's tall, but it ain't all that big, lengthwise.  We've been through worse.  It'll be fine.  If not, how would you be able to do anythin' about it if you were with me?"

"By dragging your ass out of there, that's how!"

"I'll be all right.  I'll go with you to the park first an' check that out..."

Ellie regarded her passenger again.  "Sophie, do _you_ think he should go in there?"

Sophie seemed reluctant to answer.  "I think... you guys should work this out on your own.  Or... I'm cool with babysitting Pops alone, if, um... if you think it's safe."

"No," said Joel, knowing full well she didn't want to be alone.  "Ellie will stay with you, don' worry."

Ellie snorted.  "Yeah.  Sophie, you _know_ that ‘work it out on your own' means we do whatever Joel wants.  Thanks a lot."

Joel sighed.  "It jus' makes more sense.  She can't go up there, an' the horse needs to eat.  An' we shouldn' leave her alone out here."

"She _does_ have my gun, Joel," Ellie said sullenly. 

"For emergencies, yeah.  She ain't comfortable usin' it, like we are."  After Sophie had lost hers, Ellie had given her the 9-millimeter.  Sophie had tried to refuse it -- _"you guys would get more use out of it"_ \-- but Joel insisted she had to carry a gun.  Ellie still had her revolver.

"Okay, whatever," Ellie said in her eyeroll tone.  "Get yourself killed in there if you want."  She urged Poppy into a trot, because simply _walking_ away from him wasn't fast enough.

"Wait!" he called after her.  "I can still go with you to--"

"Don't bother!" she hollered back.  "There's no one over there, see?  I don't need you!"

It wasn't exactly right across the street; it was down the block a little, past a collapsed parking structure.  But there didn't appear to be any immediate danger.  Their shouting hadn't drawn any attention that he could note, be it human or Infected, from any direction.  Besides, she was pissed at him -- which didn't much make him inclined to follow her.  "All right... come get me if-- if you need to!  I'm gonna check out that other building, after!"  The oncology building.  Since it was right there next to the hospital.  He wasn't sure she'd heard him, as she didn't answer.

And since she was pissed, a little time apart might be a good thing.  For _her_ , anyway... the second she left his sight, the niggling worry awoke in his brain.  The one with Ellie's name on it that was always lurking.  It was different from the way he worried in the heat of the moment -- like during battle, when he had to constantly see how she was doing.  That worry wasn't unfounded like the niggler was.  The _what if_ s that played out in his head sometimes when they were apart... even when it was for a crazy-short time, like a pee break, or checking different areas of a building or house.  Any time she was out of his sight.  His gut would override his brain and tell him she was fine... but before too long, his brain would be telling him to worry again.

He knew there was something wrong with him, to worry _that_ much.  But what could he do?  Other than acknowledge that he was insane, and try not to smother her too much.  He didn't worry like that for Sophie.  Not that he wouldn't be upset if something happened to her... he would.  He did care about her.  He'd definitely grown fonder of her over the course of the trip.  Stronger than that, though, was the feeling that he was responsible for her.  That she'd placed herself under his care.  It would certainly rattle him if she came to any harm.  Probably for a good long while. 

But he _could_ go on without her... whereas he knew he couldn't live without Ellie.  Simple as that.  And he'd always thought he could live with Ellie outgrowing him, as long as she was still _alive_.  Still out there in the world.  But unless she remained in the same town as him, he wouldn't _know_ that she was, and he wasn’t sure he could handle that.

Joel didn't exactly follow her... but he went far enough down the street to get a clear view of the park, and he didn't see anything to be concerned about.  He turned around before _she_ could turn around and yell at him for not trusting her or some shit.

He found a place around the corner where it was easy to climb up to the first un-crushed level -- the third floor.  A little _too_ easy... like maybe someone had positioned that dumpster _just so_ beneath a fire escape that wasn't broken enough to be unusable.  But that didn't necessarily mean that anyone was there currently.  He didn't see or hear any signs of life on that floor. 

He also didn't find anything useful.

Same with the next floor.  On the third one up, which was actually the fifth floor of the building, his luck changed.  Bandages, even a couple of first aid kits... cans of food... and in a corner room, a blanket over the examining table like it was being used as a bed, with a book, radio, and flashlight on the counter next to it.  The flashlight had batteries in it, which Joel helped himself to.  Someone clearly had lived here, if they didn't still.  The bed had been positioned to compensate for the slant of the floor, so a person could sleep upright and not have all the blood rush to their head.  He found some pills, which he examined, but with no way of knowing what they were (he didn't trust the labels on the bottles to be a true indicator -- although they were nearly impossible to read anyhow), he passed on those.  Joel didn't even feel the slightest twinge of guilt at the thought that someone might still live here, and he was taking their shit.  He needed it, too, after all.  He was looking out for his own.  The radio wasn't even a CD or cassette player, which made him wonder what the person was using it for.  He thought about taking the blanket, because it wasn't like they couldn't use an extra, and this was a nice thick one, in pretty good shape... but it would be kind of bulky.  And really, it wasn't so hard to find blankets, with the number of houses they could search in this urban area.

_Did I tell Ellie to be alert?_   If he had, she'd probably scoffed at him, but he hoped she was paying attention to her surroundings.  _Should I just go back?  I did get SOME stuff... best to not be here when these people come back..._

He talked himself into trying one more floor.  He found an unblocked stairwell, and when he cracked open the door to the sixth floor, he heard voices... _shit!  There ARE people here_.  The voices were male... and it sounded like just two of them, speaking softly enough that they were probably far enough away for Joel to still explore part of the floor... but now he didn't want to.  _This was a mistake... and Mistakes Can Kill You._   There could be more people in the group, maybe some out and about, and he didn't want to risk anyone noticing the girls.  He could surely find somewhere else to search that was unoccupied, far away from here.  He retreated back down the stairs, but he could only go down to where he'd come from, as the way down farther was blocked; he had to cross the floor to get to another stairwell to return to the floor below.  _Sounded like those guys were on the opposite side of the building, away from the street we came from... they probably didn't hear us, so we can just move right along._

Joel was about twenty feet in front of the door he needed when it started to open.  It was just around the corner from the elevators in front of him, but as a left-handed outswing door, it gave the person an immediate view of him.  There was only one direction they could go from there.  Unless they were just going to stand there in the doorway, there was no way the person wouldn't see him; there were no rooms close enough for him to duck into unseen.  He could have tried to retreat to a reception type counter, but he didn't think he would get there in time, unless the person was looking completely the opposite direction -- so much so that his movement wouldn't catch their eye.  All of that flashed through his mind in the half a second before the door opened, and all he could do was train the gun in his hand -- El Diablo -- squarely on that door.  It started to hiss closed before the man even noticed Joel, but when he did, he gave a little start, cursed under his breath, and threw his hands up in the air.

"I don' want no trouble," Joel told him.  He took note of the pistol on the guy's hip.  The dude was short and stocky, probably at least a decade younger than Joel.  "Jus' let me on by an' I'll leave you alone.  Move away from the door.  Towards me.  Slowly."  He'd have to at least knock the guy out, so as not to risk him telling his buddies before Joel and the girls could get out of there.  _A swift blow to the head with this gun ought to do it... might kill him, but might not... and that pistol of his would be good for Sophie..._

He waited for the man to take a few steps.  The guy started slowly lowering his hands -- but Joel didn't get a chance to tell him to raise them again, because just then, a gunshot rang out from somewhere below.  In the split second the dude's right hand began to reach for his pistol, Joel shot him.  He had no choice.  At least it was a good, clean shot to the head that delivered instant death.

Not bothering to loot the body even for the desired pistol, Joel ducked into the stairwell.  The guys upstairs certainly must have heard his shot, if nothing else, so the clock was ticking now.  He heard more gunfire... it was definitely coming from inside the building, probably the third floor, since he had just descended to the fourth and the sound came from below.  _What the hell are they shooting for?  Ellie, you better not have followed me in here..._ Joel cautiously nudged the stairwell door open; this section of the fourth floor was clear.  He had climbed up and entered the building on the third floor... if he remembered correctly, that fire escape led soundly up to the fourth floor as well.  If the fourth floor was still deserted, he could just--

_No, that's where they'll be coming from..._ Maybe he could find another place where he could drop down... dropping was easier than climbing... _although breaking my legs would be inconvenient_.  He had to get back to the girls and the horse and get them all the hell out of there.  _But is Ellie in here with me?  Who else would they be shooting at?  Shit..._

He could hear someone clambering up the fire escape, as it wasn't that far from the east stairwell he'd just used -- but just as he'd decided to brave the third floor, he heard that stairwell door creaking open below him.  He didn't want to give away his position if he could help it; he didn't especially want to get into a firefight with these people.  _Better hang out on the fourth floor for a minute..._ This time, he was in a position where he could duck into a room to avoid each of these potential threats.  It sounded like the fire escape person had continued on up, past this floor.  The stairwell guy had come out on this floor, shouting a couple of names... and he was definitely heading down the far corridor, away from Joel. 

_Good -- if they ain't looking for me, they won't be searching room by room.  I'll just wait half a minute for him to get farther away, and then take-- hmm, which stairs would be better..._ Joel worked a lone piece of glass free from the bottom of the broken window in his little hideout anyway, ready to use it like a shiv if anyone came near him.  He couldn't carry the glass around forever, but it would conserve a real shiv for future use, and he'd learned not to leave such potential weapons intact -- he'd killed plenty of men by impaling them on broken glass like that, and survived some attempts by others to do the same to him.  Unfortunately, he gripped the thing hard enough to cut his palm, so he just dropped it.  Just a scrape... and it reminded him of the time Ellie had dug glass out of his foot.  The Ellie in his head scoffed at his stupidity (she would also scoff at him for preferring shivs to knives in the first place), but she did so with affection.

At least the gunshots had ceased.  If Ellie was indeed looking for him, he hoped she'd killed anyone who had seen her -- that he could just find her down there and get the hell out.  It occurred to him that it could've been her on that fire escape, going up... _but it didn't SOUND like her... the steps sounded heavier... don't I know what Ellie-steps sound like?_   He wasn't so sure that he did.  At least not in this instance.  Joel took advantage of his current location to cautiously look out the window, and was glad to find nothing going on in the street below... _At least, I THINK I'm glad... seeing Ellie down there moving away from the building would be a good thing, but would she-- oh shit--_

He'd just seen that there were people in the oncology building directly across from him; one person on the second floor had gone and practically stuck his head out of a broken window over there, looking below.  _How many of these fuckers are there that I didn't see?_

Joel was just about to venture out to the fire escape when his attention was arrested by voices coming from the pavilion below, near the oncology building's entrance.  He took a peek out... three guys over there... actually, on second look, one appeared to be a woman... they were being joined by a fourth person, who was coming from Joel's building.  _The person who fired those shots, maybe?_   Joel tried to eavesdrop on the conversation, and he could hear that fourth guy clear as day as he approached the others:  _"It's a fucking little GIRL!  She killed Steve!"_

Joel immediately changed his mind about trying to do nothing more than escape.  The girl had to be Ellie -- _where is she now?!_   It looked like the guy was recruiting his buddies to come help him hunt her down... Joel quickly set his backpack down and withdrew a nail bomb from it.  He could get all four of them right now, before they could enter one of the buildings or disperse or whatever they were going to do... he could kill them all with a well-placed lob... he registered the sound of the stairwell door opening and closing, but he had to worry about these people first--

His aim was damn near perfect.  He could feel the vibrations of the explosion reverberating through the pavement, even from several stories above it, and the radius of it was larger than he expected.  _Holy shit, the height must've_ \-- no, the bomb simply wasn't that powerful.  At least one of those motherfuckers must've been carrying explosives.  Three were undoubtedly dead, but the fourth survived -- the guy who was the closest to Joel's building; Joel had noticed him retreating while the bomb sailed down there.  _Was he coming back in here to go after Ellie?  Or to fetch the guys upstairs?_   Joel was in a pretty decent sniping spot here.  He whipped out the rifle and shot the guy in the pavilion as he moved toward the wreckage.  _And now, if there are others around, they might have an idea where I'm at... let them come for me instead of Ellie... wherever she is._   He didn't see any movement in the upper stories of the oncology building across the way, where the three had come from, but it was a big fucking building and he couldn't look everywhere at once; someone may have spotted him at the window. 

He knew he was clear to leave the room because he'd heard footsteps before that squeaky stairwell door opened, and none after; the guy who'd been looking for his friends had presumably gone back in there... to go up or down, Joel couldn't say, as his hearing wasn't _that_ proficient.  He noted that 'Steve' was not one of the names he'd called for, either.  _Was Steve the one I killed, and somehow they connected her to it?_   He holstered the rifle in favor of the smaller gun, then rounded the elevator/stairwell area and darted into a room down the south corridor, maybe six or seven rooms down, to perhaps buy himself a little time, in case one of the motherfuckers could pinpoint his gunshot to the far east side of the floor.  He preferred quieter methods of killing where possible.  _I hope SHE killed Steve, because that could account for all or most of the gunshots I heard._   There had to be at least two men heading his way soon, from up above; they would have to come down this hall to clear the floor (since the other hallway was blocked, as was at least the one stairwell), and he wanted to make sure he caught and killed anyone who tried to go down to where Ellie most likely was:  the third floor.

The problem was if they _didn't_ come looking for him here, they could bypass this floor altogether, and his little plan to lure them away from Ellie would have failed.  Joel waited... but he wasn't going to wait for long.  He felt a miniscule twinge of guilt about the woman he'd killed.  He wasn't even sure she'd been armed.  Maybe he could've gone about it another way... but, as always, when he reminded himself it was for Ellie's benefit, the kill was perfectly justified: any one of these hunters, as he would now classify them, was a person who could possibly encounter her before he did... a person who could hurt her.

The men upstairs didn't keep him waiting for long -- it was three men who came down his hallway, not two.  Two went on past, and the third hung back to start checking the rooms in Joel's area.  He couldn't have scripted it any better.  When he heard the man enter the room right before his, he crept over there so he could grab him from behind, 'hugging' his neck until he'd squeezed the life out of him.  If he could sneak up on the second one like that, he would simply shoot the third – again, broadcasting his location in lieu of Ellie’s.  That could possibly leave just the one across the street to dispose of.

It was a simple plan, and he executed it simply... but although he'd killed these three men, he hadn't yet seen the end of the fighting in this building. 

He could have gone back upstairs to look for more people, but he was fairly certain it hadn't been Ellie ascending the fire escape.  He was also fairly confident that Ellie hadn't somehow passed him and proceeded to the upper stories -- with very little ambient noise and the criss-crossing of floors that was required due to route blockages, surely he would've heard her somewhere, even if their paths hadn't exactly crossed.  And it wasn't like Joel was being completely stealthy here; she could've heard _him_ at some point.  It was _possible_ that she'd gone up there... but his gut told him she was still below.

Joel did a quick lap of the third and final floor, and the only person he came across (Steve?) was already dead.  He called for Ellie upon completing the lap, just in case she was hiding and couldn't see that it was him moving around the floor.  But calling out to her perhaps wasn't the smartest thing to do...

He had just rounded the last hallway, in plain view of the makeshift exit, when someone jumped him from behind and tried to strangle him with the same method Joel himself used.  He was a _strong_ motherfucker, too... but Joel was quick enough to wedge his hand between the threatening limb and his throat.  He wasn't strong enough to push the man's arm away, but the resistance was enough to keep him from losing consciousness -- and to keep his wits about him enough to free his other arm and swing it backward.  He buried the muzzle of the gun somewhere in the midsection of his attacker and fired.

The guy released him, stumbling backward with a groan.  Joel spun around and shot him in the head.  _He must be half a foot taller than me, with at least fifty extra pounds -- all muscle_.  And he'd either been on this floor -- the lowest -- or come up from the ground... either of which had to be... _where Ellie was before?  Where the hell is she now?_   A sick feeling took root in his stomach at the thought... the thought of...

_Stop it,_ _asshole,_ he commanded himself. _You don't have time to--_

Dangerously unfocused after that attack, he hadn't even heard the men coming in from the fire escape -- not until just in time to dodge the first one's shot by leaping behind a counter, presumably where the big dude had been hiding.  He could only use it for cover, since he'd clearly been spotted.  There was at least one other guy right behind the first one; Joel heard them speaking softly to each other, planning to flank him.  _We'll see about that_ \-- Joel popped up just long enough to get a shot off.  He missed, but at least he'd given the fuckers pause.  They had no cover, and nowhere to retreat to unless they went back down to the ground.  Which... they appeared to be doing... until another man climbed up -- _no, it's another woman_ \-- and the two guys quickly apprised her of Joel's location.

_To hell with this!_   He could waste precious minutes trying to pick them off, possibly letting them slip away back to the ground, or he could do it the easy way.

Joel hastily unzipped his backpack, retrieved and lit a Molotov cocktail, and pitched it toward the person in the middle... the female, but at least this one more clearly posed a threat -- armed with an assault rifle, of all things.  He usually only used these on Infected, but he didn't have another nail bomb ready, and he wasn't sure he had all the right shit in his backpack to assemble another.  He reloaded his gun with the screams of the three burning hunters ringing in his ears.

He approached them slowly.  _...yeah, they're all fucked_.  He strode past them toward the sunshine... then turned back and looked at them again.  For some reason, Ellie burning her hand for his sake came to mind.  He still couldn't quite believe she'd done that -- and then suffered the pain quietly, trying to hide it from him.

They would pass out soon, likely within a couple minutes, but a couple minutes of that kind of excruciating pain was an eternity.  He shot each of them in the head, then kicked the gun out of the hand of one of them... another decent Ellie-sized replacement gun, he thought, but he could come back to pick the bodies clean later, once everything cooled off -- and after he'd found Ellie.  After reloading, he proceeded to the 'exit,' taking a good look around before dropping down to the dumpster, then to the ground.  It took him a moment to adjust to being on a level surface again.

Joel couldn't be sure he'd gotten them all... even if he scoured every floor of both buildings he couldn't be sure (and besides, that would take too damn long) because members of the group could be scattered anywhere nearby.  In his gut, it _felt_ like he'd gotten them all, and his gut tended to be right about shit like that, on the Outside.  He couldn't explain it.  Ellie had often marveled at it on their first trip; now she was used to it.  He still couldn't completely lower his guard, of course, because a new threat could pop up that wasn't on the 'gut radar' yet -- or, he _could_ be wrong.  It had been known to happen (and contrary to what Ellie liked to say about him believing he was always right, he could own up to it when he wasn't).  Anyhow, it was definitely high time to locate the girls.  If Ellie had been on any of those floors where he was fighting, she would have come to his aid; he figured she may have seen the hunters on the ground blow up, deduced from that that Joel had the situation in hand, and then gone back to Sophie.   That's what he wanted to think, anyway.  She may have been torn about what to do... _wanting to check on me and make sure I'm all right, but knowing she shouldn't leave Sophie..._ would she do the 'right thing' and protect Sophie?  ... _Probably not..._

He willed the niggling voice to shut the hell up as he headed for the park.  It was no surprise that he could see no trace of them from where he was.  "Ellie!  Sophie!" he bellowed.

_"Joel!"_

It was Sophie's voice, coming from the pancaked parking structure... no, from the west side of it.  He saw a delivery truck with the back door lifted and the ramp down, and inside it stood the horse, behind a couple crates that didn't quite camouflage her completely.  Sophie's head popped up from behind a crate on the other side, a 'row' in front of Poppy.  She stood up, both hands clutching her gun, which she at least had the sense to aim at the floor now instead of at Joel.  "Are you all right?" he asked as he trotted towards her, and then, before she could even answer, he added, "Where's Ellie?"

Sophie hobbled forward, using the crates for support.  "You didn't see her?"

He didn't like the alarm he detected in that question.  "No.  Where'd she go?"  He stopped just short of the truck.

Sophie looked at him in wide-eyed disbelief.  "She went after you!  To warn you!  Or... help you... or something.  She didn't find you?"

"No.  There were people in both of those buildings.  Which one did she go in?"

"Same place you went, I guess?  The hospital?"

"What do you mean, you 'guess'?  Didn' she tell you-- didn' you see her go?"

"She saw someone... a couple of men, I think... and she led me and Poppy over here to try to hide.  She said it was too open, where we were before."

"The men -- were they goin' into the hospital here, or the place across the way over there?"

"I didn't see them, and she didn't say... I didn't see exactly where she went!  Just that-- she headed back towards the building you'd gone into.  Sorry... I couldn't see, I couldn't see anything from in here.  And she-- she told me to shoot anyone who got close.  Well, you know -- anyone that wasn't her or you," she added, trying to smile.

_She's really rattled._   Joel noticed her hands were trembling.  "You can put the gun away.  I'm pretty sure I killed all of them.  Maybe Ellie got some, too."

Sophie relaxed only slightly, taking a seat on a crate.  "I wasn't really worried until I heard the gunshots.  I thought maybe these people were friendly.  Like a couple families holing up in there or something."

"They may have been a little friendlier before I started takin' 'em out."  But he doubted it.  _Was Ellie there the whole time?_  It made more sense for her to go into the hospital to try to find him... to warn him or protect him... than to go into the oncology building, but then, why hadn't he seen her anywhere?  "All right... she's prob'ly hidin' out somewhere, or lookin' for more of 'em.  Maybe she saw the ones in that other buildin' an' decided to check it out.  I'm sure she'll be back soon.  You stay here... or take the horse back across the street, if you can manage it.  Jus' don' go far, 'cause this is likely where Ellie'll be comin' back to."

Sophie looked at him, even wider-eyed than before.  "Where are you going?  You can't leave -- what if... don't you think maybe..."

"I'm gonna go find Ellie.  You'll be fine, don' worry.  We got 'em all."  He made a half-assed attempt to sound reassuring… which was probably futile.  "Ellie jus' might not realize it's safe to come back now."  _Or she might need my help..._ He didn't like this one bit.  Paranoia was already setting in, even though he knew full well that the theory he'd pitched to Sophie was entirely possible. _Likely_ , even.

But his gut wasn't trying to override his brain now.  This time, it was telling him he had a legitimate reason to worry -- and this was another thing his gut tended to be right about.


	37. The Sound of Silence

_I'm dead._

That was Ellie's first thought.

Followed by, _so this is what it feels like to be dead._

Except... death was supposed to be _not_ feeling.  Just nothingness.  Or... whatever comes after, if such a thing existed (she didn't think so, but no one really fucking _knew_ ).  It was dark as fuck, which would fit with her perception of nothingness... but once she became acutely aware of pain, she knew she wasn't nothing.  She felt it in several places.  Stinging pain... the kind where you feel all the heat of your body rushing to it, and it bothers you, but you can stand it.  It wasn't even as bad as the burn had been.

_This headache, though... fuuuuck, is someone sitting on my skull?!_

If she could feel pain, she wasn't dead.  _...does that mean I'm not dead YET, but I'm dying?_

_\--Joel--_

_\-- -- Joel?!_

_Joel, where are you???  Where are we and what were we doing?  What the fuck happened?_

Ellie tried to call for him, which only served to give herself a little coughing fit; she had dirt in her mouth, which made sense, since she was kissing dirt.  She racked her foggy brain, trying to remember what had happened, and why she was now laying practically face-down on the ground in an extremely small space.  Not ground, exactly... but the floor... with carpet... _I'm indoors.._. where?  Her head was _pounding_.  Not just throbbing like a normal headache... but again, she could stand it.  She _had_ to.  Slowly -- because she could do it no other way -- she turned her head first to one side, then the other.  Neither direction told her anything she didn't already know: she was in a dark place.  She tried to get up, but her already-aching head bumped something... a piece of wood?  A pipe?  Something that rained more dirt down over her.  And her left leg violently protested the motion, sending searing pain up through her core.  _Shit!  Is it broken?_

No.  That pain when she tried to move the leg softened a little when she let it go slack, and if it was broken, it would be constantly throbbing... _wouldn't it?  I've had broken RIBS before..._ And she could wiggle her toes.  That had something to do with it not being broken.  She moved her hand down the outside of her thigh to the source of the pain and felt that her jeans had torn there.  She wasn't bleeding... but she must have been before, because there was blood-stickiness on the... wall?  No, it was something square and smoothish... like a beam or something.  Definitely a large object.  _Is my leg under that thing?!_  No -- she could move her leg. 

She was able to roll herself away from there, onto her side, although she felt her jeans ripping more when she did.  _It was right next to my leg... so close that it scraped it?  Like, through my jeans? ...was I trying to get out of the way, or..._ _Man, how long was I out, that my wounds clotted up already?  Minutes?  Hours?_  Her pounding head felt a little... thick.  Sort of woozy.  The stinging on her arms, her face... probably scrapes, bruises, nothing too terrible, at least not like her leg.  _And how bad can my leg really be if it stopped bleeding already, without stitches?_

She decided she was in pretty good physical shape:  banged up, but not dying.  Not pinned by a heavy object.  She was just a bit squished, and not in the good way, like when Joel did it...

_Joel Joel Joel -- where is he?_   Was he squished, too?  Why couldn't she remember where he was?  "Joel?" she called tentatively, coughing again.  Her throat felt raw, and she still had some grit in her mouth... but her voice was intact.  "Joel!" she tried again, louder.  She listened for any tell-tale rustling noises, evidence that she wasn't alone.  A cry of _"over here, kiddo!"_ would have made her feel _so_ much better. 

There was only silence.

_Fucking THINK, Ellie..._ they'd been in a town.  A park.  She and Sophie and Poppy were there, and Joel was not.  She didn't know why.  Her mind was fuzzy... and maddeningly blank. 

"Sophie?  Anyone?  Helloooooooooo?" she called out loudly... to nothing.  _Okay, forget how I got here -- how the fuck do I get out?_ There was a musty smell in the air, mingled with an earthier scent, like dirt.  Worst of all was the unmistakable odor of urine.  She had realized before that her crotch was wet, and now she connected the two observations for the first time.  _Eww, I peed myself?  I never even did that when we faced a zillion Infected at once!_

After watering out the dirt, her eyes had adjusted to the darkness.  She still couldn't see for shit, but she could tell it was daytime, because there was a very faint light source if she looked in the direction of her feet.  She carefully rotated herself onto her stomach, painfully slowly, then scooted herself in that direction, propelling herself with her arms so she wouldn't have to move her leg, which had begun to throb like a bitch.  Still... _it's not bad, I can stand it, it's not broken so I should be able to use it when I get out..._ The light was coming from above her, and she couldn't get to it.  There was a ceiling of... debris of some kind, in the way.

_That's right – Joel thought there was an earthquake in this town, before!_   Had there been another one?  Was that why she was in this little indoor cave-type thing?  That rang true to her, somehow... but she still couldn't fucking _remember_.  It was just a feeling she had.  Like a hunch.

Ellie felt her way around in the dark, and determined that there was no easy and obvious way out.  She thought she'd found a tunnel -- a very narrow, pitch-black, creepy-as-fuck tunnel -- but it ended in solid, unbudge-able metal.  She couldn't even turn around in there; she'd had to scoot herself backwards to get to the more open area where the smidge of light was... that tiny 'room' where there was at least enough space to sit up and move around, though not enough to stand up.  There was some space above her there -- which was maybe how she'd gotten down to where she was?  Had she fallen?  She tried to let her other leg do all the work of moving, to not even so much as twitch a muscle in the injured leg, but she didn't always succeed.  And it was more important to figure out how to get out of there.  The place was really starting to creep her out.

She found a spot where she could sit with her back against what felt like rock, and decided to make that her home base.  She couldn't allow herself to sit for long, pain or no pain -- _I want to get the fuck OUT of this place!  Can't do that while sitting on my ass!_   There was nowhere in this area where she could squeeze through, although she found she could stick her arm up beyond the 'ceiling' in a few places.  Not that it did her any good; she couldn't get even so much as her head up through there.

She knocked over something cylindrical on the floor -- _a thermos!_ \-- and she had a flash of memory. _I saw this before..._ she had determined that someone was using this space as a hide-out. _.. but it was bigger then!  There was a thermos, and a toy truck missing a wheel..._ she couldn't remember what the fuck had happened, yet she remembered these little details... she remembered there being more light.  Not tons, but enough that she could make things out better, as if she was just hanging out in the shadows at dusk.  It wasn't so eerily silent then, either... she'd heard voices... and maybe the whooshing noise that wind makes... _even though I'm inside?  Can_ _I hear the wind now?  Maaaaybe just a little?_   She heard her own head pounding, more than anything -- and that wasn't even a sound, exactly... She didn't know what had happened to the truck, but it was the less valuable of those two items.  The thermos still had liquid inside it.  She didn't care what it was or how old it was -- someone could have pissed in there, for all she knew -- but she was fucking thirsty, and she was going to drink it.

It was tasteless -- _yay, water!_ \-- yet it tasted really fucking good.  There wasn't much of it, and she almost gulped it all down greedily before it occurred to her that it might be wiser to ration it.  She'd swallowed four times... there probably weren't even that many gulps left in there when she stopped.

The air was still deathly silent, but since she'd just somewhat soothed her parched throat with water, she tried yelling some more.  Maybe she couldn't hear out there, but someone could hear her?  She screamed at the top of her lungs for as long as she could hold it.

No answer.  She was on her own.

_For now_ , she reminded herself.  Joel was looking for her.  Of course he was.  If he wasn't hurt himself... _don't think about that.  He's fine.  You remember being in here alone... he wasn't with you -- because he was somewhere SAFE.  Yeah._

She'd been annoyed with Joel.  She couldn't remember the reason for that, either.  She just had a vague sense that she'd been sort of bitchy with him in general, the last couple days.  And she had this vague feeling that her parting words to him had been something along the lines of _"fuck off."_ So... had he fucked off?  _No... he'll still look for you.  He'll know you didn't mean it._

But what if he _didn't_ know... what if he thought...

_No, he wouldn't think that I left!_

Her brain was being stupid, and she needed it to be smart right now.  Just a few weeks ago, they'd even had that conversation about it, after talking with that Ron guy... Ellie knew Joel was looking for her.  If she couldn't get herself out of this little hellhole, she just had to be patient.

_What if Joel doesn't know where I am, though?  Like... at ALL?_

Had she told him where she was going?  She racked her brain again.  What came to mind now was the story about the guy who cut off his own arm because no one knew where he'd gone, and he was going to die if he didn't.  _And I made a terrible joke about that... I'm sorry, dude, I wouldn't have said it to your face or anything... and I didn't MEAN it... I'm sorry... I need to quit saying shit I don't mean!_   She shivered, but she wasn't cold... she was wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt and a hoodie.  And the pain was warming her.  _...why am I thinking about chopping off my arm?  My arm is fine!_

Something scurried across her feet, startling her and making her yelp.  She kicked with both feet, but stopped after a second when another searing pain ripped through her leg and made her suck in her breath.  She couldn't hear anything... "It's your imagination, Ellie," she said out loud.  "If it was a rat or something, it would like... squeak.  There's nothing and no one in here with you.  You're alone."  With nothing but... _hey, wait!  Where's my backpack?_   It couldn't be far.  And she was still wearing her... _fuck, the holsters are empty_.  But she did have her switchblade in her pocket!  Maybe she could find somewhere to cut her way out... more like _chisel_ , very slowly, but it was something.  _I just have to find the right place to do it... either above me or to the side, where the lights are..._

That idea sustained her for a while... then faded as soon as she cut into some piece of wood that had apparently been holding back rocks or bricks or other debris... it split or splintered or something, causing a mini landslide that sliced off a portion of her already-modest living quarters.  She still had enough room to sit up -- still had that rock-thing she'd been leaning against -- but the 'room' was now only about as big as like... the little kitchen in Joel's house in Jackson.  Maybe slightly bigger.  With oddly-placed, oddly-shaped nooks -- and some sort of pipe or pole or something dissecting it.  She could still detect the faint light... meaning there was a hole, to the outside... meaning she didn't have to worry about running out of air.  _Right?  Even if it's way up high?_   She poked around at the landslide area, but it was no use; her efforts hadn't yielded any new escape hatches.

_That was a dumb escape plan.  What did I think, that I could just carve up one piece of wood and I'd magically discover a tunnel out of here?!_   She wished she could just go to sleep until Joel found her and got her out.  But, achy though she was, she wasn't exactly tired -- and, worse, what if he didn't realize she was under there because he didn't hear her yelling _because she was fucking asleep?_  She yelled as loud as she could again, at that thought.  If nothing else, maybe she was scaring away that critter... _imaginary_ critter... _yes_...

Ellie thought she was remaining remarkably calm, all things considered... until the light went away.  It had barely been there to begin with, but it was _some_ thing -- enough to make out shadowy forms around her.  When she realized it was about to be gone completely, that there would be nothing there but blackness... nothingness... she felt panic crawling up her throat as she watched the light of the setting sun slowly leave her to her fate.  _What the fuck!  You're not afraid of the dark -- you don't see... HIM, anymore... no cannibals in here... they're not chopping you up and you won't have to cut off your own arm and FUCK -- you CANNOT have a panic attack in here, Ellie, NO NO NO NO!_

But of course she could.  She couldn't stop it.  _Okay... just ride right through it... you're okay... no biggie... breathe in... breathe out... one two three four, one two three four-- omigod I can't-- I can't-- I can't BREATHE-- it's going to choke me -- and my head's going to crush me -- AND I'M GOING TO DIE IN HERE I'M GOING TO DIE JOEL WHERE ARE YOU I'M GOING TO DIE HELP MEEEEEEEEEE--_

It was a bad one.  She had no way of measuring its length, other than it felt like it would never end.  She would think she was able to breathe again, and then she'd feel something crawling on her-- or _think_ she felt it -- _cuz this is ALL IN MY HEAD -- none of it is REAL._ Or, even worse -- she _did_ see him, for the first time in ages.  _"You keep surprising me, Ellie..."_ She knew he was dead, of course -- and yet, she found herself pulling out her switchblade, ready to fight for her life.

Eventually, she realized that she wasn't about to die after all, because of course it was only another fucking panic attack, coupled with a little paranoia.  When she was done gasping for breath, and able to gather enough steam to let out as loud a scream as she could muster... well, she feared it wasn't all that loud, and it quickly dissolved into hiccuping sobs that punctuated the throbs of pain in her body.  _Fuck it -- I'm alone -- I haven't heard SHIT from the outside -- if I want to cry, I guess I can just go ahead..._ normally, she never let herself cry (certainly not to the point of sobbing) when the urge struck, but this time, she didn't even fight the tears.  She toppled herself sideways -- onto her right side, so as not to aggravate the throbbing leg -- and curled up like a fetus, letting her tears and snot run sideways down her face into the carpet.  When the sobs petered out, there was just nothingness again.  Black silence.  And she felt another layer added to her headache -- behind her eyeballs.

_Ugh -- you're better than this, Ellie.  You have to find a way out of here.  There's always a way in and a way out.  Yeah, that makes sense..._

_...okay so not really.  It's possible to get STUCK.  How the fuck did I even get in here?!_ A memory flitted across her brain... an image... a triangle... the _hole_ was triangular, sort of... a vending machine... it was propped against a wall at an angle, like it had fallen over and didn't have room to fall all the way to the floor and there was this _opening_... it was an Ellie-sized hole and it had called to her.  She couldn't remember actually crawling into it, though, let alone _why_ she had.

_Go to sleep.  Close your eyes -- it's dark because your eyes are closed.  That's all, yep, no other reason._  

She wasn't going to be able to sleep, at least not for a while.  The pain wouldn't let her.  And hadn't she decided going to sleep was a bad idea?  She needed to be ready to yell if someone came near her.  Preferably Joel, but she couldn't afford to be picky.

_Okay, so PRETEND you're trying to fall asleep.  Think about happy things.  But sit up, so you don't actually forget that you're pretending and get all tired..._

She thought about Joel.  It wasn't a rock or wall behind her -- it was Joel, stroking her hair, telling her to go to sleep and have sweet dreams.  Telling her he loved her.  She thought about kissing him.  Hugging him.  Play-fighting with him.  The way he looked at her sometimes... the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed... the coarseness of his beard under her fingertips... even just random things like the way he rolled up his sleeves, or poked at the fire.  She wanted to see him so much right now that she felt a physical ache in her chest, as real as any of her wounds.  She even wanted him to tease her for stinking of piss.  Or yell at her for whatever she'd done that had landed her here.  _He doesn't usually yell, though... he just gets that disappointed look on his face..._

_Fuck, even thinking about him lecturing me makes me want to cry!_

Her heart ached -- literally -- and that was fucking scary.  _No heart attacks!_   _Okay -- don't think about him TOO much.  And don't close your eyes... stare up -- at the area the light was coming from.  In case there's a flashlight beam outside or something.  Don't think about the way your leg is throbbing, or how it feels like someone's constantly thumping your head... or how you apparently peed your fucking pants and don't remember doing it._

But if she started to think about other things, like how scared she was that no one would find her... that she would never lay eyes on another human being again... then those more basic thoughts were welcome.  She could deal with pain and discomfort and thirst.  The fear was the worst of it all: it could lead to despair, and maybe another panic attack.

_You can sing to yourself!_  Yes, that's what she would do.  Look for a flashlight beam, listen for people, and sing... not out loud, just in her head.  It took a minute for anything to even come to mind.  The first song that popped into her head was one she'd recently discovered, which -- surprise, surprise -- made her think of Joel.

_~You make me... Feel like I'm living a, teen - age - dream_  
The way you turn me on, I - can't - sleep  
Let's run away, And don't ever look back...~

_Don't ever look back... don't ever look back... don't ever look back..._

 

**Day 43**

 

Ellie knew she was fucked. 

In her continued explorations of the same spaces over and over again, hoping she'd turn up something she'd overlooked before or find that she could now move shit out of the way, she'd somehow managed to cut off her only light source, pathetically feeble though it was... and her efforts hadn't gotten her any closer to escaping.  She'd lost all sense of time, without even having the ability to reason that darkness meant nighttime... the passing of another day.  _Now it's always night..._

Her leg should have been feeling better as time healed it -- _haven't I been in here for weeks?!_ \-- but it was... the opposite of that.  Her jeans rubbing against the wound seemed to be making it worse, so she had cut away a large patch there -- they were already ripped to hell in that spot anyway.

The thermos's pitiful offering had long since been exhausted.  She was so thirsty that she'd stopped feeling thirsty... not that that made any fucking sense.  It was hard not to lose all hope.  She kept telling herself she needed to save the shouting capabilities of her voice for when Joel found her.  It wouldn't do to be all hoarse and raspy and unable to be heard beyond the rubble!  But deep down, she knew he wasn't coming, and that she was just trying to put on a brave front for herself so she didn't lose her mind completely. 

She'd thought she heard Joel, quite a few times, but whenever she called out to him, he didn't come... and since obviously he _would_ come help her if he was real, every time that happened must have been a dream.  She was having a lot of those now, even when she was awake.  It was hard to tell the difference between asleep and awake, dreams and reality.

She did yell, sometimes... as best she could.  But all this time, she hadn't heard a single sign of humans out there, in her orbit... not one single time.  _Stupid fucking brain imagining stupid fucking shit that just makes me feel worse afterward!_

She was annoyed with Joel for not teaching her how to be as light a sleeper as he was; obviously, she couldn't be awake _all_ the time, since her stay in this hotel was now an extended one, so she was terrified of being asleep when the time came to yell for her life -- of not hearing Joel or whoever, and thus, putting the nail in her own coffin, as they say. 

After succumbing to that first sleep, she woke up to find that her brain had gone a little loopy.  She wondered if she'd lost her immunity, suffered a bite, and was now going to turn.  _Maybe immunity has an expiration date, like some of those cans that we find... yeah... why not? ...at least Joel won't have to kill me?  He didn't think he could do it..._

The idea of not being in her body anymore was rather appealing.  If she wasn't going to get rescued, then... _no, those expiration dates are lies.  We still eat that stuff._

As time crept by, it felt more like she was just... sick.  She was lightheaded, dizzy, itchy, sweaty, shivery, crampy... like she was getting the flu, on top of everything else wrong with her.  At least her head had stopped its relentless pounding at some point.  _Because it was finally done pounding my brains into mush!_ Now it just... pulsed with pain, like the rest of her body.  _My heart pumps pain, not blood..._

She was still singing.  To herself, and to the spiders or whatever-the-fuck else was in there ( _nothing_ crawled over her, no no no that was all her _imagination_ ).  Singing softly, so as not to strain her voice, but aloud, because the deafening silence was unbearable, and surely she would go insane if it persisted.  She felt like she'd tasted insanity in here already, and she didn't much care for it.  If she could just stay calm and rational, and _clear away the mushy pulp in my head... by constantly singing?  I mean, if I'm going to die anyway, no need to conserve air or voice, right?_ She could think such things and not freak out -- as long as she stayed in 'outside mode,' where her emotions were unfeelable.  The physical pain would actually help with that.  She couldn't always do it... _I'm really out of practice._   _So just sing, Ellie..._

_"~I am a man who will fight for your honor... I'll be the hero you're dreaming of...~"_

She'd rescued the toy truck.  Found it under some dirt, wedged between a metal thing and a rock/wall thing.  It was her teddy bear now... her sleeping companion, in the absence of Joel.  A little smaller than a normal teddy, and less snuggly, but she wasn't picky.  It was better than being alone!  _It's bright yellow -- a happy color! -- I never could see it well enough to tell its color but that's what I say it is and therefore it is.  And I loved it so much that I hugged the wheel right off of it... the wheel's not here, it's safe... it's with Joel..._

She couldn't really talk herself into thinking positively anymore.  At least not for more than a few moments at a time.  It was just too much of a joke, at this point.  _This is how people die... scared and alone and fucked up, melting into the floor... and people like me come along and see their corpses years later and like barely give them a passing thought.._. Joel was probably dead, because otherwise, he would have found her by now (and she knew she was firmly in outside mode if the thought of _dead Joel_ didn't freak her out).  She must've been in here for weeks by now.  _...weeks?  I don't think a person can live without water for weeks..._ well, it _felt_ like weeks.  Maybe it was just one week.  Whatever -- it was long enough for Joel to have found her.  If there'd been an earthquake, he would've dug through all this shit by now and fucking _found_ her.  She hadn't run away, for fuck's sake. 

She was so very tired... she felt like she was never really asleep, but also never fully awake.

She was dying.  She had to be. _I can die if Joel's already dead, right?_

_"~We'll live forever... knowing together that we did it all... for the glory... of love...~"_

_We'll live forever..._ If Joel was dead, and now she died too... could they 'live forever' in whatever came next?  Would Joel even know she was right behind him?  What if he left for that place without her?

The thought of dying was less scary if she could only _know_ Joel was waiting, holding his hand out for her to take...

It was too quiet.

_Death is quiet... Joel is quiet..._

She couldn't stand it.

_"~I'm still here behind you, in the corner of your eye... I never really learned how to love you... but I know that I love you through the hole of the sky where... where I see? you... that's not -- not an invitation... I disconnect~"_

Her voice sounded like crap.  Raspy as fuck.  And she was totally fucking up the lyrics on that one.   _Joel said if you forget a line just keep on going don't start over it's okayyyy~~_

That song also had a line about having some kind of record for being patient... she liked that.  _I was TOO patient!_   Joel was certain that he'd never heard it before... he said not all those songs she listened to ever got played on the radio.  Which she'd found strange, because if the music was recorded, why shouldn't it all get played?  No fair playing favorites, because people had different tastes and preferences.  He'd tried to explain to her how it worked, why only certain songs got played.  The injustice of it still bugged her -- though not at this particular moment.  All she cared about now was--

"Joel!  Wait for me!" she yelled, earning herself a coughing fit afterwards.

_He can't hear you if he's dead_ , she realized.  Unless... wouldn't he be watching over her?  Isn't that what people said happened when you...

_I'm hot.  It's hot in here._   But that couldn't be right.  She'd been cold a little while ago.  And death was cold, not hot.  Everyone knew that.  Even if she was going to hell, her corpse would be cold first.  _Hot doesn't make sense..._

Unless maybe there was a fire... she didn't smell smoke... would the smoke find its way down to her?  She was breathing air.  Which had to come from somewhere.  _The smoke could come after me, like that smoke monster thing on that Lost show... I never got to find out what it was..._

Her brain pulp hopped to another random song. 

_"~And there's this burning... like there's always been... I've never been so alone, never been so alive... this is the last time we'll be friends again... I'll get over-- ~"_

"I so _won't_ get over you," she sputtered.  _That's enough of that song.  I'm tired..._

_"~So tired that I can't even sleep... so many secrets I can't... I can't keep them... all... promised myself I wouldn't weep... one more promise I can't keep...~"_

_Promise I can't keep..._

She'd been thinking about Joel a lot, but she also thought about Sophie.  Where was she?  What had happened to her?  _Did I leave her alone?_   _I'm so sorry, Sophie... I know you didn't lose Spirit on purpose... I'm not mad now... and I never promised you to your face, but it was understood that I would protect you on this trip, and I'm in here, so obviously I failed..._

_~One more promise I can't keep~_

_I'm sorry, Joel!_ She'd let him down terribly by getting her ass stuck in this little hellhole.  He would be so hurt if she died.  Completely devastated.  Tommy had hinted once that Joel would kill himself if anything happened to her.  She understood the feeling, because she knew _she_ couldn't live without Joel, but if she ever said anything to that effect around him, he would get all concerned, and start trying to reason with her about how much older he is _blah blah blah_.

And she couldn't fully comprehend how anyone could love her that much.  _She_ could love a person that way, but she herself couldn't be _loved_ that way.  Joel came the closest... yet deep in her heart, she knew she loved him more than he loved her.  _He DOES love me, though... he wouldn't forget about me yet... he must be so..._

_Wait -- I got confused again -- if he's already dead, he'll be sad if I LIVE... right?  Wouldn't he rather have me with him no matter what?  But what does that MEAN -- would we be nothing together?  Two black spots of nothingness in the... where, exactly?  What if we're NOT together... what if we never find each other again?  That's just..._

_...Just fucking sing, Ellie!_

She could hear every instrument of every song that flitted through her head; it was almost as good as listening to something for real.  Except sometimes the lyrics weren't as clear... and her oatmeal brain wouldn't stick with one song for more than like, thirty seconds.  Now the songs were playing in her head in some bizarre, random order... it was torturous, somehow.  Like they were mocking her in her powerlessness to control even such a simple thing as what to fucking _think_ about...

And how could she still 'hear' the fucking silence at the same time?  _Too quiet TOO QUIET_ \--

_~"You held me high... up on a... a pedestal... so hiiiiiiiigh that I could almost see... ETERNITY...~"_  

Annie liked that one.  She had the record in her room.  _"You needed me"_... Ellie's thing was, the chick sang about needing the other person.  Like, the entire song.  So the song should have been titled _"I needed YOU."_   Annie couldn't explain it, except to say that maybe the other person needed her to need them.

Which -- like so many things -- Ellie related to herself and Joel.  She was his _"something to fight for."_ He needed that.  _Well, I need YOU, Joel... where are you?_

_~"On a hidden beach under a golden sun... She laid down and..._ on a blanket!  _And we loved the world away in Maria... Maria? ... Ray...~"_

No -- _Monterey!_   Wrong city, but it sort of fit.  Joel liked that singer.  _Garth Strait, I think... yeah, that sounds right... what was his favorite one that the guy sang_... she couldn't remember the name of it.  _We never made it to Monterey, Joel... we were supposed to finally be together there, like a real couple... I waited and waited..._

Joel was swimming... swimming away from her.  Out into the ocean... and the ocean looked exactly like the lake in Jackson.  She'd expected it to be bigger, and wavier. 

_I can't swim!_ And the water was swallowing him up. _I can't swim I can't swim I can't swim, don't you remember?_

_But--_

_I CAN swim --_ he had taught her how.  _I can swimmmm!  So why the fuck can't I follow you?_

The ocean disappeared.  _It's too dark in here to have an ocean._ _(...what?)_

Her thoughts were like... they weren't always making a lot of sense.  The songs of her mental library got all muddled up and spliced together.  She couldn't sing them; they were running too fast.  The words, all those letters, they had legs, legs that were running running running, then skipping jumping running _STOP IT_   She couldn't keep up, even when they were just thoughts and not words being sung aloud.  _Wrong way, it's a one-way track, don't ever look back, don't ever never ever, hey hey baby hey, do you have to have to have to, let it linger, how could you walk, walk away from this, and make believe that you love me... one more time... for the-- the Mexican princess is-- is what-- it's you and me in the summertime -- hello Texas, sure is good to see me a friend--_

_STOP STOP--_

_It's cold in here._   She shivered.  It must have been from the hole in her jeans, letting all the cold air blow in like an open door, through a window with two shutters and a flower bed... _with YELLOW flowers that someone's taking care of... No!  I'm all sweaty from when it was hot and now the sweat is making me cold.  Maybe Joel will bring me a blanket.  I don't care if it's the scorched one, Joel, I'm not picky..._

He did bring her one, but it was from Boston.  She remembered it from her room at school _so at least not the one Riley puked on -- good job, Joel!_   It was a little bit scratchy.  And not at all warm -- at least, not now.  _You could just hold me, you know..._ He didn't seem to hear her.  And he was so quiet.  _Joel's always quiet, I'm the talking talking TALKING one..._

She was so confused.  Some of this had to be a dream, because it couldn't happen all at once... yet it was.  She wanted the words to stop, she wanted the silence to stop.  _Can't have both._

Now she knew what death felt like -- _like your brain getting squished out of your skull, so all the thoughts and memories and feelings get jammed together, all mixed up.  And the truck goes back and forth... forth and back... squeaky wheel, pretty noise..._

An eternity passed this way.  Things shifted, changed, morphed into other things -- things which then shifted, changed, morphed into other things... and yet everything stayed the same.  She was playing hide-and-seek with Kyle and Kirsten and even skanky Christine, who didn't have a broken nose... she was laughing at Maria teasing Tommy, something that wasn't even that funny but struck her as hilarious... she was having a heart-to-heart with Annie over a milk pail... she was watching Clicker blow out candles on a birthday cake, just like they do in the movies... she was drinking with Max _SO THAT'S WHY MY HEAD FEELS FUNNY_... she was dancing with Sophie in the rain... popping blueberries into her mouth with Sam... watching the infection bloom in Riley while it laid dormant in herself, with her unexpired immunity _(what a waste...)_.

But it was all so fleeting.  She should've known none of it was real, but when it was happening... it _was_ real, each time, over and over.  Kind of like a panic attack except without the terror.  _A friendly no-panic attack?  Except I can still breathe... sometimes... more like a really vivid dream, then._   Things felt so real that it was always a surprise whenever she realized she was still alone in the dark _no no no not dark just closing my eyes.  All the time_.  Still dying.

Over the course of this forever-amount of time she'd been huddled in her hole, she'd probably seen every person she'd ever met in her life.  Even the ones with faces she could no longer remember.  She would see the kid who had liked to steal her shoes at age seven, and then jump to Winston, who had taught her how to ride a horse at age thirteen.  And they weren't even like real memories... like, the only thing she'd ever done with Ron (aside from the two of them threatening to shoot each other, anyway) was drink tea, but now she was picking tomatoes from some huge-ass, fantastical garden, then making zucchini spaghetti with him in Maria's kitchen.  Tommy and Maria's house... so full of people... kids running around... _playing games with Dora and Thomas and Nemo... and with fucking Megatron... bad-ass... hey Sam, I got your robot... where did it go..._

As for Joel... he weaved his way through all of it, all the people and places, the bizarre images and thoughts.  Staying just out of her reach, as if mocking her efforts.  She started to hear him more than see him -- only when everyone else shut up.  _Because you heard me say it's too fucking quiet in here?  Without these people in my head talking to me, anyway -- can't squeak the wheel ALL the time -- hand tired -- wheels stuck --_

He didn't tell her anything useful.  She wanted to have a conversation with him, not just be tormented by his weird nonsense, but he didn't listen _HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME_.  He just offered up random things -- things he'd once said to her, only completely out of context or chronological order, that made no sense now.  Things like--

_... ... "I ain't punishin' you... it's for your own good."_

Which... if she recalled correctly, was about not sharing the bed anymore.  He'd said it a million years ago.  _Why bring that up now?  Joel, seriously, what the fuck?_  

The visions of him were like... _fleeting_ -er than fleeting, because she was always trying to rush into his arms when she saw him.  Like if she could just touch him, he would be _real_... if she could just grow that power... grow it or learn it...

_... ..."Why don' we jus' keep our histories to ourselves."_

Then he would dodge her, or she'd run right through him, or he would just plain _disappear_.  It was maddening as fuck. 

... ... _"And were you gloating about how many people you've killed?"_

Pure torture.  His voice -- even his lecture mode voice! -- should've been a comfort to her, but it only made her more confused.  The other... hallucinations, or whatever... those were fake.  Not Joel's!  _He just has to be different... in a good way, usually..._ They were memories, all of them... her brain was replaying them for her.  Fuck if she knew why.  She was glad it was Real Joel and not the one in her head, because that version was a lot meaner.  He always threatened to leave her, or he'd tell her he didn't love her anymore, or that she deserved to be alone.

. _.. ... "Patience, young grasshopper.  Can't you wait another five minutes 'til we get home?"_

He hadn't called her 'grasshopper' in ages.  She was being impatient.  She had to live for months here in the dark.  Maybe years, if he wanted her to.  _He says he's not doing it to punish me.  Be patient... patient, yes, he's worth the wait... Joel loves me.  He does.  Everyone knows that.  Not sure why he put me in here, but I guess he had a reason.  He always has REASONS. ...to make me get better at patience?  To make me stronger?  But it hurts.  Too weak.  Big pile of fail._

In between those little pearls of wisdom from Joel, Ellie heard drums in her head, and singers' voices competing with one another for her attention... she heard her own scattered thoughts shouting in her ears... and yet there was that deathly quiet, hanging out there behind everything, like if she found a way to shut off everything that was tormenting her, it would reach out and grab her and choke the life out of her... what remained of it, anyway.  _What's that saying... devil may care... NO--the devil I know... I'd rather be tortured than quiet and peaceful and DEAD... don't choke me please please stay in the corner!_

The more time passed, the more aware she became of the menace -- of the death hiding in the nooks and crannies, hanging out with the spiders.  With _Sammy the spider_ \-- a friendly spider from her childhood.  _Why didn't I remember him when Joel was teasing me about spiders?!_   Ellie hadn't thought of him in years, but now they were pals again.  _My childhood wasn't ALL bad... Sammy was just trying to get from the bathroom to the kitchen... he didn't ask for much... Sammy, you can ride in my truck!  It doesn't work so good on three wheels but... but you can make it..._

_...just... keep going, dude... yeah that stuff's all bigger than you but you can NINJA through it, you know..._

_... ...keep goinnnggg...._

Some of the noise receded… to wherever noise went to die.  That kind of made sense.  Another eternity had passed, so the noise should pass, too.  Death should pass.  Nothing lasted forever.  _We'll live forever-_ -

Joel wasn't even with her anymore.  She hadn't seen him in a long, long time.  He'd left her while she slept... _Joel left, there's nothing left..._ Just fuzziness, a big fuzzy blanket of fuzzy fuzziness... the pain wasn't real anymore, either.  _Nothing's real so I guess Joel isn't either._   - _Wait... was he here when he was dead or when he was alive?_

She wished he would tell her, instead of making her figure it all out on her own.  _I'm TRYING, Joel!  I can't make sense out of this!  Can't you just fucking let me out?  Do I try to live or try to die?  If I do nothing at all, can I pick which side of the wall I fall on..._

It was quiet, and silent, and there was no noise.  And... _yes_... that made sense, because it was death.  Everything should sloooowwww dowwwwwn.  The pain was sleeping, which allowed her body to sleep, and her blood... _does blood sleep?  Who sleeps?_

_Is Joel alive or dead?_   She had to find out.  She didn't have enough information to make a decision.  She had to wait.  It was too important to just fucking _guess --_ no do-overs.  _If you live and find out he's dead, you can just kill yourself later.  But if you die, and you never see him again... I DON'T WANNA DIE, JOEL, I REALLY DON'T... don't be dead, Joel..._

_It's quiet... too quiet..._

She had moments of lucidity... then she'd hear the words running around in her head, the jumbled lyrics, at a lower volume now, fuzzier... less pervasive... and then there was nothing.  Over and over.  The nothing could have been sleep, or maybe death -- _because you can fall in and out of death like falling in and out of sleep... or love... NO!_  She never fell out of love with Joel.  Just like she’d fucking _told_ him she wouldn’t, all along.

_That's romantic... ~I loved him 'til my dying day~ put it on my tombstone.  Can you make me one without my body being under it?_

_Sharp knife, short life, bury me in satin--_

_WAIT._   Joel wasn't waiting for her... she was waiting for _him_.  And he had to be alive, he _had_ to be, because for him to _not_ be... that was a loss so great that her mind failed to grasp it fully; its measurement was off the charts, scales, or whatever was in use.  It defied... fucking _science_ , in that way... so it couldn't be true, and she couldn't think it.  _Reality is whatever I want it to be... only... REAL reality is... ..._

_I don't want to die!_ something inside her screamed.  _I was finally happy, finally FINALLY and I don't want to die..._

_Shit!  Go back outside -- outside mode -- no feelings--_

_...yes, much better that way._

Swallowing her own saliva so she could pretend to quench her thirst only worked as long as her body produced saliva.  But she had to try -- now, while she was a little more lucid than fuzzy -- because maybe it wouldn't last, and she had to sing.  She needed her mouth to function properly.  Sophie had told her more about that arm-cut-off dude _... he drank his own piss... ewwwww... but it kept him ALIVE... I don't even have to go... I think I went in my sleep, I'm always asleep... and he had a bottle... I don't have anything, anything at all..._ She found that if she sucked on a pebble, she could trick her mouth into thinking it was food, and _bam!_  Saliva.

Then she remembered she _did_ have a bottle... sort of.  The thermos.  It couldn't have wandered off very far.  But even when she'd had enough strength to pull her pants down, she hadn't bothered with the hassle.  She’d already pissed herself anyway.  Besides, who was around to give a fuck?  _She_ certainly didn’t.  So, her corpse would be extra dirty.

_Oh my God-- JOEL--_

_Joel's never going to find my body.  If he's looking -- and he must be, cuz I decided he can't be dead -- he's going to be looking forever and never ever find me and he's going to be so so SAD... I can't stand for him to be that fucking sad!  He needs me--_

She promptly had another panic attack.  She knew she'd had more since that first one, she just didn't know how many... it was hard to tell because sometimes it just felt like she was racing through one of those dreams, or visions... hallucinations... whatever-the-fuck... _everything is FAST-- so fast--_

And then they were calm again, slowing dowwwwn... less buzzing... maybe she could finish a verse now. 

She was so very _alone_ \-- but she had to forget about that, because she couldn't fucking breathe, and breathing was essential to... not being dead.  There was no getting around that... she had to breathe breathe breathe.  If she had to choose between panicky death and calm death, she chose calm. _Breeeeathe.  I'm out in the open, yes, I could move around more if I wanted to... and it's just dark because it's nighttime, that's all... the moon and stars are sleeping tonight too... I'm cold but the throb-throb-throbbing of pain in my leg, pain all over, it woke up and it's making me hot--_

Somehow, it was like she didn't feel the pain physically anymore, but in her head, it was still there -- _is it coming back?  No, it went to work hi ho hi ho hi ho!_ All of this nonsense made _sense_ now.  For some reason, she could tell herself these things, and sort of believe them... like her mind was very suggestible now that it had seeped out of her skull... _except... Joel..._ Joel was just a big question mark.  She tried again to imagine him there, holding her, petting her and cooing to her, and doing whatever it was he had to do to stop everything from hurting, because _of course_ Joel could do that.  He was her hero... god-like and perfect.  Far from perfect, yet _so fucking perfect_.

It was impossible to conjure him up out of nothing, though.  Her brain wouldn't be fooled for long; she was alone.  _I don’t even know where the truck went… somewhere… over… can’t reach…_

_Just sing!_   If she could hear the music, it could be a friend to her.  And if she was singing, she couldn't be dead.  _Dead people don't sing.  Everyone knows that_.  Her throat was painfully raw, but still she had to sing.  Breathe and sing, sing and breathe.

_"~If you're lost... and alone... or you're sinking... like a stone... Carry o-o-o-o... o-on... May your past... be the sound... of your feet on the... on the ground... Carry on carry on carry on~"_

_…But what if I can’t?_

She was wrong before... when she thought she knew what dying felt like.  _This_ had to be it.  She had to fight it, but she couldn't swim... she'd forgotten, or maybe she'd never learned... _I don't know how to die, either, and I don't want to learn that!  I don't!  I want to live and for Joel to live and we all of us live happily ever after~_

She had to sing _happy_ songs.  She didn't know how to feel scared when singing a happy song.  And since Joel had gone quiet again (not that he was even telling her what to do when he did speak), she had to puzzle it all out by herself.  _Don't be scared... happy songs only, happy happy HAPPY drown out the fear ~ carry on on on endure and surviiiiiiiiiive--_

_But I'm tired... so tired... the truck's not rolling back and forth anymore... it left… and I’m too tired..._

_No, Ellie, you can't be-- you'll sleep when you're dead and you're not dead yet!  Be here here HERE now... It's only hell... that's all... you don't have to swim, just breathe..._

_"~Yeah... the worst is over now, the morning sun... it's shining like a red rubber ball...~"_ Not exactly a happy song, but... the tempo and flute-y bits were cheerful?  And it was hopeful... _have I lost hope?  Can I find it again?  I want to see the sun right now... bouncy rubber ball sun, wait for me, I'll see you when I'm done here... Joel will get me out... LET me out... when I've learned... whatever power I'm supposed to learn..._

She was weak.  Even lifting her head was too hard now.  The smooth carpet under her cheek felt... solid.  _Good place to ooze my way into..._ She felt the sleep trying to take over, and she fought it, which was fucking _hard_ because she really wanted to just fucking sleep now.  Be done with this. _If you sleep, you're DEAD,_ that voice in her head reminded her.  Her own voice... _only I'm not Ellie anymore so not really.  Ellie's not here.  Ellie is with her mother, who loves her very much._

_But YOU -- You can't sleep -- you need Joel to sing you to sleep.  And he's not here._

She thought about the first time he sang to her.  _It's Ellie's turn... Ellie, come back... you can sing that to HIM... he's right over there... yeah... that's right... if you do a good job, maybe he'll let you out... our future is... is... ~days of you and me~..._

It was still impossible to stay focused.  And her throat hurt.  And she was tired.  And and and--

_No excuses, bitch!_

_Never stop singing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Simon & Garfunkel song.
> 
> And if you were playing "name that tune" with poor Ellie -- some of these songs were randomly selected while shuffling my iTunes as I wrote. Here's the list (excluding the unsung fragments -- kudos & e-cookies to you if you can get those without googling):
> 
> \- "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry  
> \- "Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera  
> \- "Communication" by the Cardigans  
> \- "Motorcycle Driveby" by Third Eye Blind  
> \- "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum  
> \- "You Needed Me" by Anne Murray  
> \- "Marina Del Rey" by George Strait  
> \- "Carry On" by fun.  
> \- "Red Rubber Ball" by Cyrkle  
> [not sung, but "Sammy the Spider" is a children's song by Jewel]


	38. God Only Knows

_"If you should ever leave me_  
_Though life would still go on, believe me_  
 _The world could show nothing to me_  
 _So what good would livin' do me?_  
 _God only knows what I'd be without you"_

~the Beach Boys "God Only Knows"

**Day 42**

 

"I know you don't want to hear this, but... maybe you should take a break?  You look like you could keel over at any second."

No, Joel didn't want to hear that.  He didn't care what he looked like; he wouldn't collapse.  He just wouldn't.  That wouldn't do Ellie any good.  "I've already taken enough breaks," he grumbled.  But he did take the canteen Sophie offered, gratefully gulping down the first water he'd had in hours.  Still, he felt a twinge of guilt doing even that much, when Ellie might not have the luxury.

Sophie looked down at him from atop the horse and scoffed.  "Uh, noooo, helping me with the bags doesn't count, and stopping to drink or tinkle or just _think_ for a minute doesn't count... you haven't slept."

"I told you, I ain't sleepin' 'til I find Ellie."

"Joel--"

"You can't change my mind."  He handed the canteen back to her... or, tried to.

"Keep it.  I've got plenty of fresh water brewed up now, and you wouldn't believe how much food I found.  These guys must've been stockpiling for a while.  How 'bout I whip up a little--"

"Do what you want for yourself," he interrupted, "but I ain't hungry."

"You _have_ to be hungry by now," Sophie argued, her voice disgustingly gentle and full of pity.  "And you need the fuel.  Don't you think Ellie would want you to--"

"No!  She'd want me to find her!" he snapped. 

Sophie seemed to want to say more, but she didn't, perhaps thinking better of pissing him off further.

"You go eat," he told her, "an' let me borrow the horse for a while.  I'll check the streets again before it gets dark, an' then... I don' know, I'll find some places to check I haven' looked at yet, an' come check in... maybe two or three hours from now."

"I can still keep looking," said Sophie as she dismounted.  She could walk better today than she could yesterday.  "I don't mean I want to just _stop_..."

"It's fine.  Maybe she's back there waitin' for us."  He didn't believe that, and he didn't think Sophie did, either, but... pretending was good for his sanity.  And since it wasn't impossible, he did stay somewhat tethered to that medical center, hoping his gut would be proven wrong for a change (but not _too_ wrong, since it was also telling him that she wasn't dead -- or was that just denial?).  Ellie had been gone more than twenty-four hours; it was starting to get dark again.  "You remember which way it is?"

"At 28th and K," she recited.  The streets of the city were laid out in a nice grid pattern that made it difficult to get hopelessly lost, if you could remember the number and letter you needed.

"Which is... ?"

"...that way?"  She pointed west.

"That way."  South, slightly west.

"Right right right, okay, well, I'm going to check the building again while waiting for you.  Good luck."  She reached for him, as if to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he just took the reins from her and mounted the horse without giving her the chance.

Sophie could check the building ten more times for all the good it would do.  Joel had scoured it thoroughly five or six times himself yesterday, and again today.  They'd found Ellie's backpack on the third/first floor, amongst some desks and cabinets that leaned against a partially collapsed wall... a lot of the furniture in the building was piled that way, presumably from the slanting floors.  The backpack had been laying on its side, the main part open, with some of its contents strewn about.  Later, when searching the dead men's bodies -- more for possible clues than for loot (although, really, what did he expect to find?  A map to Ellie?) -- he'd found her gun, or what he was pretty sure was her gun.  He couldn't be one hundred percent certain, but it was the same model and was in roughly the same condition.  That was on the fourth floor... a man he'd killed stealthily, not the ones he'd burned on the third floor.  Which meant that... the guy going up the fire escape had taken it from her?  Because those men had come from above him, and he hadn't thought that she'd gone up there... but really, he had no fucking clue where she'd been.  It was possible she hadn't even been on the third floor... that someone had just taken her backpack up there and been careless with it.

And she had only been carrying that one revolver, since Sophie was using the 9-millimeter.  Joel had given Ellie a second gun to use in a fight on occasion, but she'd always returned it to him once the dust settled.  And they were always together, so it hadn't seemed to matter much...

He could kick himself for that later.  That, and whatever else came to mind -- like how he should have just let her come with him.  Or perhaps not gone scavenging at all.  He should have known she would come looking for him at the first sign of trouble -- he wanted to be angry with her for doing it, but he just couldn't be.  He'd even found himself wishing he'd irritated her more that day -- then, maybe she'd be so pissed off that she just stayed put, thinking, _Fuck Joel -- he deserves what he gets_.

But of course she hadn't thought that.  Trouble had a way of neutralizing their moods, whether they be good or bad.  So she'd been worried about him.  Over a couple of lousy hunters.

...okay, so, more than a couple, as it turned out, but she'd only seen two when she decided to look for him.  There had ended up being enough of them to be a cause of concern.  Enough at once that she... somehow lost her backpack?  It was open... was she trying to get something out of it, or had someone looted it after she lost it?

He would ask himself all these questions, trying to puzzle out what had happened, but ultimately, there was no goddamn _point_.  He needed to find something like a little recorder, like what they'd found when they were looking for the Fireflies... he needed to find it, and it needed to have Ellie's voice recorded on it, with instructions for him on where to find her.

_Yeah.  Right._

He also wanted to kick himself for not bringing the Firefly recorders on the trip so that they could record over them if needed, but he couldn't really, because... well, it seemed unlikely that Ellie would be in a situation where she could record something like: _"Hey, Joel, these assholes are about to kill me and there's no clear path down, so I'm going to go hang out on the roof, I'll wait for you there.  Hope you find this!"_ Sophie could have possibly done something like that... but Ellie wouldn't have been content to wait for him to kill everyone himself, at least not when she didn't know where he was and what shape he was in.  She probably wouldn't have even had the patience to make a recording.

He'd looked on the roof, of course.  He'd looked _every_ -fucking-where.

Joel had combed that whole goddamn area for more clues, to no avail.  The shitty carpeting inside and the pavement outside didn't show tracks the way dirt and grass may have.  Even on isolated pockets of dirt, he couldn't be sure what he was looking at.  He found no scraps of her clothing... nothing else that belonged to her.  There was plenty of blood on the third floor, but he had no way of knowing if any of it was Ellie's.  He'd killed a handful of people, and she had killed at least one herself.  His gut was telling him she'd been in that building.  Actually, his brain was, too, because unless someone in the group had gone traitorously rogue, Ellie was connected to those shots he'd heard, either as the shooter or the shootee.  So unless one of them was sniping from the building... but, her _backpack_.  She'd been there, inside, unless someone-- _knock it off, asshole, you've already been through all this._   Over and over.  The repetition didn't provide any answers.  Where the hell had Ellie gone?  And why hadn't she come back yet?

Joel had searched the oncology building next, thinking that Ellie may have been looking for him there because he'd stated his intention to search it, and there had been hunters holed up in there, too.  She may have thought he was already over there when she spotted the two on the street.  Striking out there, he'd searched the other buildings in the plaza, thinking that she might have misunderstood which building he'd meant to search next.

Although they were in a big city, it just stood to reason that she would be somewhere _close_.  Even if she'd had to run away, she would have come back.  She was a smart kid with a good sense of direction.  Hell, even if she had gotten lost, she could've hollered for him.  If she couldn't holler... well, no, she couldn't flash the night sky, because her flashlight had been clipped to the strap of her backpack, where it always was.

Sophie had helped search on horseback, that first day, due to her ankle.  Initially, he'd wanted her to simply wait in that truck where Ellie had left her, but she said she'd go crazy hanging out in there, not doing anything to help.  She'd left a note in there for Ellie in case she returned, telling her to wait there... that they would be checking in every few hours.

Several hours after dark, Sophie had pleaded with Joel to call it a night.  By then, her ankle was a bit better, and with his help, she could get up to that third floor.  He'd helped her get settled in one of the rooms that had a door which locked from the inside, and he'd picketed the horse in the park.  He'd told her he would search a little longer and then find a place to sleep nearby, but he'd known it was a lie when he'd said it, and he suspected she had, too.  When she'd accused him later of not sleeping, he hadn't denied it.

To her credit, Sophie wasn't being as annoying as she could have been.  She didn't cause any problems.  She did whatever he said, and without complaint.  Joel really didn't want to have to deal with her at all, but he had to.  She didn't know what to do -- and neither did he, for that matter... but he was in charge, and he was responsible for her safety.  He gave her specific areas to search and instructed her not to go anywhere else, because the last thing he needed was to have to search for her, too. He'd taught her how to use the water purifier previously, so she'd gone back to the last river they'd seen, about twelve or fourteen blocks before, and bulked up their water supply, using some of the containers they'd scavenged from the hunters.  She took care of Poppy.  And for the most part, she stayed the hell out of Joel's way.  Maybe he should have kept her with him, for safety reasons, but that would only slow him down as well as grate on his nerves, and since she was willing to help search, it made more sense to let her search elsewhere.

Of course, that didn't stop Joel from going back and searching those areas again himself.  Sophie could have missed something.  They hadn't found Ellie yet, so she _must_ have missed something...

How could Ellie have vanished into thin air?  They hadn't seen any more hunters.  He'd given Sophie instructions to hide if she saw anyone.  If she couldn't hide, she was to fire her gun -- which she was also supposed to do if she found Ellie -- and that would summon Joel to the area.  Whenever he checked in with her, he always asked her if she'd seen anyone, and she always said no.  It seemed unlikely that some asshole hunter was keeping Ellie somewhere.  Sophie likely wasn't stealthy enough to avoid being seen, and Joel couldn't imagine that a hunter wouldn't approach her with the idea of lifting that gun from her, at the very least.  Also, Joel felt that he was searching thoroughly enough to uncover someone in hiding... still, Ellie _could_ be holed up with them somewhere he hadn't yet looked, and the possibility tormented him.  She had no gun, no supplies... hopefully she had her knife.  But Ellie was so... _little._   Even though he knew she wasn't exactly fragile, he couldn't help but worry that some motherfucker -- especially if there was more than one -- could overpower her. 

That big one who had tried to strangle him really stuck in Joel's craw.  Resourceful as she was, Ellie was still a small girl.  Not that she was weak... the female form just wasn't designed to have upper body strength.  _And she's so skinny... so SMALL--_ his brain kept coming back to that.  Whenever she made him hug her _"as hard as you can,"_ he only used maybe half his strength before she was gasping for air.  It turned his stomach to think of his precious baby girl in the hands of some sleaze who--

He just couldn't go there.  Focusing on the task at hand helped keep the ugly thoughts at bay.  Staying hyper-alert, all senses trained on the singular goal of fucking _finding_ her, was all he could do.  He could ignore the aches and pains, the fatigue... he could especially ignore the feelings of hopelessness and despair, the devastation that threatened to whack him the moment he indulged in anything resembling an emotion.

Unless the emotion was anger -- but catering to that one was pointless.  It had led him to smash office furniture, bash equipment, hurl random objects into walls... it accomplished nothing.  Except perhaps to drain him of energy he could be using to find Ellie.

The search reminded him of the time back in Jackson when Ellie had uncovered his big lie and run off to get away from him... to the 'sad house'.  He'd been tormented that whole day, too, worried sick... mostly due to the mental state she'd been in.  Rough as it had been, he would take that hell over this one in a heartbeat.  It was childsplay by comparison – because back then, the chances of her being in any real physical danger were slim.

Poppy had carried him up and down street after street in an endless loop of motions that produced nothing.  He'd also backtracked along the river and the highway, wondering if Ellie would follow that rule of theirs about where to try to meet up when separated if lost, rather than trying to find where they'd last been together.  Joel had yelled for her constantly the first night, but he'd long since had to give up hollering at the top of his lungs -- he was still rather hoarse from it now.  Wherever she was, it wasn't some place she would just come running out of at the sound of his voice, anyway.  He trusted that if Ellie was in whatever area he was searching, he was making enough noise to attract her attention... plus, he was still calling to her raspily -- and he was listening for her.  Listening _hard_.

So hard that his brain had played tricks on him a couple times already.  He could have sworn he'd heard her calling his name, but after fervently searching the source of the sound, he had to conclude it had only been his imagination.  Once, he'd done that in front of Sophie, who'd only given him the most pitiful of pitying looks, undoubtedly thinking (correctly) that he was losing his mind.  The more sleep deprivation he endured, perhaps the worse it would get.  But he had no choice; he had to keep going.  The thought of laying down to sleep without knowing where Ellie was... knowing that since he hadn't seen her, she must be hurt or held against her will... it just didn't compute in his brain, no matter how exhausted he was.

He fantasized about seeing her sitting somewhere, just _sitting_... like when he'd eventually found her that day in Ghost Town.  Safe and sound.  Oh God, he would give _anything_ for that -- he wouldn't even be pissed at her for worrying the shit out of him.

He'd nearly nodded off a couple times on Poppy's back, and decided that that meant he should head back to 'base' to rest the horse for the night and tell Sophie to go to sleep.  He parked in front of the medical center and hoarsely called Sophie's name until she answered through one of the broken windows.  He dismounted, and he might have dozed off standing there in the street, leaning into the horse, waiting for Sophie to come down.  He _was_ dead-tired... and he was also tired of the overly-sympathetic looks she was giving him; it made him not even want to look at her.

"Just a few hours," she'd tried to coax him, "and then you can start looking again.  It'll actually help you search!  You're only human -- you _can't_ go two nights in a row without sleep.  When you've rested some, you'll feel a thousand times more energetic, you won't be so sluggish, you'll--"

Joel had cut her off with a frustrated sigh.  "You don' get it:  I _can't_.  It ain't jus' that I won't -- I physically can't do it.  Maybe that seems crazy to you, but it's the truth.  I ain't sayin' that _you_ can't sleep -- it's safer if you spend the night behind a locked door anyhow.  You can sleep for the two of us.  Do me a favor an' go picket the horse first?"

"Do you have enough water?  Are you hungry now?  I could--"

"I'm fine.  Jus' go on.  I'll check in a lil' after dawn."  He'd turned away before she could answer, and if she did call after him, he'd tuned it out.  He began to trot, because _sluggish, my ass!_   He hadn't realized he'd slacked off on the pace.  Maybe Sophie had just said it generically, as something you might say to any exhausted person, or maybe she'd actually observed it -- which meant it was true, and that was intolerable to Joel.  Ellie deserved a better effort than that. 

He fantasized about finding her, helping her out of whatever trouble she'd gotten herself into, and her saying, _"what the fuck took you so long, old man?"_  

Not that she ever called him an old man now.  He knew she didn't like to think of him as old, with 'old' conjuring up images of him having one foot in the grave.  Since they'd fallen in love, he really did feel like she'd somehow stripped years off of him.  He felt much younger now than he had a year ago.

_Well, maybe not this very moment..._

After a day and a half of frantic searching, Joel was running on fumes now.  Adrenaline, maybe.  Or fear.  Fear that would be paralyzing if he stopped and let it catch up to him...

He decided to check the transit center, addiction center, the little coffeeshops and businesses down on O Street... he probably hadn't searched that area well enough.  His gut wasn't serving him very well anymore; he'd hoped it would act as some kind of compass... but what did he expect?  A fucking metal detector, beeping louder and louder the closer he got to Ellie?

O Street didn't yield him anything.  Neither did P Street.  He checked the buildings up through Q Street, then crossed 28th Street to check the park on that block.  It wasn't until he'd reached the center of it that he realized checking this place once, as he had the day before, should be sufficient; it wasn't like there were any places he could have overlooked.  Ellie wasn't playing hide-and-seek with him.  If she were here in this wide-open area, he would have found her.

He switched off his flashlight and sank onto a stone bench, dropping his head into his hands.  _I have no fucking idea where to look in this goddamn big-ass city!  Ellie, where in God's name ARE you?_   He thought back to that conversation they'd had, about how she wouldn't just disappear on him on purpose.  He'd found it adorable that she was _worried_ he might think that, that he'd just be like _"Damn... oh well, that's that, she left!"_ and move on with his life.  He hoped that wherever she was, she wasn't worried about that now.

His head was throbbing painfully, as were his feet... and pretty much every muscle in his useless body... he leaned back enough to look up at the moon, which was a day or two shy of being full.  "Where am I s'posed to go?" he asked it forlornly.  _"You_ know where she's at... you saw her go there... can't you just... shit, I'm talkin' to the moon.  Like a... a goddamn coyote or somethin'." 

He stopped short of howling... but did let loose a pathetically hoarse cry of _"ELLIE!!!!"..._

As if she would answer him this time.

Well, he wasn't going to accomplish anything by sitting on his ass.  Irritated with himself, he got to his feet -- only to find that his feet did not wish to cooperate.  He crumpled to the ground. _You're good... just got dizzy for a moment,_ he told himself.  _You stood up too fast.  Just give yourself a minute._   He took hold of the bench and pulled himself to a sitting position on the ground.  _Slowly, now... or, just rest here for another minute..._

_...only a minute..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_... ... ELLIE!_

_Ellie!  I was so worried!  Where have you been?!?! //_ I've been here the whole time, Joel, what are you talking about? _// What?  But... you... no.  You were-- //_ You must be losing it.  Should _I_ be worried? _// I was looking for you... I don't understand... //_ I'm right here, silly. _// NOW, yeah, but... why can't I touch you?  Are you really here?  //_ Nope!  You're dreaming.  You're dreaming when you could be out trying to find me. _//  But you just said-- //_ Don't believe anything you hear in a dream. _// …Am I in a nightmare? //_ No, definitely not.  In your nightmares I'm hurt, or dead, or you never ever find me. _//  Don't say that!  Ellie, come here, please... //_ I can't!  I'm not really here.  I'm either hurt, or dead, or somewhere that you'll never ever find me, and you'll never KNOW.  Ha!  HAHA! _//  ... ...no... You wouldn't laugh about something like that.  You ain't the real Ellie. //_ Duh!  That's what I'm telling you!  So why are you just laying there like a corpse? 

_xxxx "HELP ME, JOEL!" xxxx_

Joel woke with a start, a little puddle of drool on the hand that his cheek had been resting on.  _What the hell was that?  I fucking fell ASLEEP?_   How long had he been out?  The presence of the drool suggested it had been more of a catnap than a real sleep.  Still, the idea of it bothered him greatly.  He'd just told Sophie that he couldn't sleep until he found Ellie, and he'd truly believed that.  _I was wrong.  I don't know shit.  ...I don't know where Ellie is, so I don't know shit._

He stood up, and this time his feet didn't fail him.  His back was killing him, though.  He shifted the straps of his backpack... as if it would help.  He didn't even have all his gear with him; he'd left some of it at 'camp' with Sophie.  A glance up at the moon told him he hadn't been asleep all that long, really.  Maybe a half hour at most.  _If Ellie's a half-hour dead when I find her, I'll never forgive--_

He cut that thought off, because he couldn't afford to entertain thoughts like that.  If he did, he might start _feeling_ them.... and then he'd be lost.

Joel worked his way down to T Street, then back up towards base via 27th Street.  He methodically checked everywhere he could, realizing dully that he wasn't as alert and 'with it' as he'd been before, but not much caring, because he was just going through the motions of looking, not expecting to find Ellie... or anyone else, for that matter.  The buildings were easier to check than they might have been had an earthquake -- or saturation bombing, but more and more, he thought of it as an earthquake -- not ravaged the city at one point.  Some buildings he couldn't even enter at all.  He searched the surrounding area, maybe climbed up on the rubble some to look around... if he couldn't climb up on top of something, then Ellie couldn't, either.  And in the places where he could barely make it, he dropped right back down, figuring there was no way could Ellie could have done it.

And then, a block or so later, he would doubt himself, and imagine Ellie lying unconscious on top of one of the buildings.  _Maybe I just couldn't make it because I'm tired... or maybe someone else got her up there somehow..._ once, he'd backtracked four whole blocks to check, thinking it was his gut finally whispering Ellie's whereabouts to him -- but of course, he'd been right the first time.  After that, he told his gut to go fuck itself if it wasn't going to tell him anything useful.

When he reached the park where Poppy was spending the night, the black sky had just begun to ease into gray.  Sophie wouldn't wake up and look for him right at dawn; he had time to check another few blocks' worth of buildings.  He headed toward the church, on the park's other side.  He'd been through this area once before, but he _may have missed something_. 

Eventually, he would have to decide when to move on from this general area.  Maybe he should change the note in that truck to tell Ellie they'd check there once a day for her.  And then maybe he could just make it like a goddamn treasure hunt.  _'Ellie: now find the gray van 20 blocks south, 20 blocks west.  Corner of Such-and-such streets.  That's where I'll be checking in once a day from now on.  Sorry if you have to crawl or drag yourself all that way 'cause you're hurt...'_

_Shit -- just stay in the here and now, asshole.  Like this church over here..._

The church had only caved in on one side, and the main doors were busted open.  As soon as Joel entered the nave, he froze; _there's a sleeping person in here!  Ellie?!_  But it struck him as somewhat absurd that Ellie would just be lying there in a pew, asleep, like nothing was amiss.  _Unless she ain’t alone..._ His hand on the Shorty's trigger, he searched the pews with his flashlight until he found the lightly-snoring body of a man.  The man was on his stomach, using a backpack as a pillow, a coat as a blanket.  A Glock lay on the floor, beneath a dangling arm.  Joel doubted he could reach it without disturbing him.

But he wanted to disturb the guy anyhow.  First, he performed a quick search of the rest of the room, and determined no one else was there.  He strolled over to Sleeping Beauty.  "Wake up, motherfucker!" Joel barked, jolting the man awake.  "Sit up an' scoot this way."  Away from the gun on the floor.

The guy appeared to be in his thirties.  Very scruffy and dirty, with an overgrown beard and grungy clothes.  "Hey man, just take what you want-- I don't--"

"Where've you been?  Did you notice all your buddies are dead?"

"Buddies?  I, uh... who you talkin' about?"  He did seem genuinely clueless.  Maybe he was a solo traveler.

Not that Joel cared whom he was or wasn't affiliated with.  "Just tell me where the girl is."

"What girl?"

"The girl.  The one you're hiding somewhere."

"Bro... you've got the wrong person.  I'm all by myself."

Joel shot him in the kneecap, and the man screamed in pain.  "You ready to tell me now?  Huh?” he taunted.  “Or you want me to fuck you up a 'lil more first?  One way or another, you're gonna tell me."

"I... really don't... uugghhh... I don't... know..." the man wheezed, clawing at his leg.

Joel holstered the gun and dragged the guy up by his collar.  He punched him in the stomach and let him double over -- leaning heavily on the non-injured leg -- then lifted him up by the hair and cracked him in the jaw.  "Tell me!"

"I-- swear to God -- I--"  The man collapsed on the floor, leaning against the pew, whimpering and gasping, his arms crossed over his face... as if in surrender, or maybe just self-preservation.  There was no 'fight' in him... perhaps because it was clear he couldn't win, seeing as how Joel had already crippled him, and his best chance at survival was to gain Joel's sympathy.

 _Tough shit._   "Have you _seen_ a girl, then.  Tell me that."

"If you want me -- to say that -- then okay -- yeah, I seen one!" he sputtered through gritted teeth.

Joel sighed.  "I don' want you to _lie_ to me.  Christ.  Have you, or have you not, seen a teenage girl around here?"

"No!  No one!  Please..."

Joel kicked his broken kneecap, and when the man was writhing around helplessly on his side, Joel just started whaling on him.  It did seem that the poor bastard probably didn't know anything, hadn't done anything to Ellie... Joel didn't care.  It felt _good_ to hit him... to deliver pain.  He wasn't sure where the strength came from.  He couldn't just shoot the guy somewhere lethal; he had to inflict pain with his bare hands.

And the fact that he was doing it in a church didn't faze Joel any.  It wasn't like God had done him any favors lately.

Joel beat the guy into a bloody, unconscious lump, and then beat him some more.  _I'm doing him a kindness, not letting him die a long and painful death of bleeding out from that gunshot wound_ , Joel decided.  _Shit... what do I care?  Maybe that was Ellie's voice in my head just now..._

It just felt incredibly satisfying to _hit_.  Because he was a bad person.  As established long ago.

When his rage was spent, he slumped against the pew where the man had been sleeping.  He stared at the lifeless body in front of him.  Watched the dawning sun begin to color it brightly as the rays filtered in through broken shards of a stained glass window that still clung to the window frame.  Funny how the whole window hadn't shattered.  Just pieces of it.

 _Ellie would think it's beautiful in here._   Joel didn't, though.  The light that brightened the bloodied corpse was garish... the lighting in general felt surreal... like it was painting this strange... nightmare, or...

Yes.  Nightmare.  That was certainly what he was trying to live through right now.

For the first time since this ordeal had begun, Joel found his throat clenching, and tears pricking his heavy eyelids -- tears he had no intention of shedding.  He swallowed, blinked… willed the emotions away.  Then he calmly looked around the church; finding no representation of God anywhere, his gaze fell upon the stained glass again.  "Tonight, I've talked to the moon, an' my own gut, so I reckon talkin' to you... God... ain't so much of a stretch.  You an' me... we don' see eye to eye on things.  Maybe you're still mad at me, for... that business in Salt Lake City.  Maybe you think it's only fair that I lose--" Joel cleared his throat.  He couldn't even bring himself to say it.  "If this was some... dumb movie or somethin', I'd be tryin' to bargain with you: 'Spare Ellie's life an' I'll be good from now on.'  Or maybe 'Take me instead.'  But... I don' think you operate like that.  Hell, I don' even know if you operate at all, truth be told.  I don' know how you could let... all that crazy shit happen, with the virus... but I don' care about that right now.  I jus' care about Ellie.  If you... if you don' want me to find her, for some reason... all right.  As long as she's alive... an' good... I ain't gonna give up lookin' for her, but if you can promise me that, then--" 

Joel interrupted himself with a derisive snort.  "Like you can promise me shit.  Jesus fucking Christ," he muttered.  "All I'm sayin' is... please let her be alive.  An' safe.  She... brings so much, to the world... she's young, an' strong... she don' need me nearly as much as she thinks she does, as long as she's... Look, if you think she... shouldn' be with me... it's prob'ly true.  I shouldn'ta brought her out here in the first place.  It's my fault she's--" He had to wait a moment to will the lump out of his throat as a memory surfaced.  _That old motherfucker back in Jackson was right:  she's better off without the likes of me._ "I got no business askin' for nothin'.  I know.  You're prob'ly thinkin'... this motherfucker's got some nerve, askin' for favors when he jus' killed a man for no reason -- in a holy place, even.  I know that's s'posed to be your call, not mine.  It was... a mistake.  I make a lot of those.  I'll apologize for every last one of 'em 'til I'm blue in the face if it makes any difference to you.  The thing is, I ain't askin' for myself.  If this is punishment... punish me, not her.  All right?"  He closed his eyes.  That sounded like another lame TV movie cliché, too, but he couldn't seem to help himself.  "I'll keep on lookin', even if I never find her -- an' that's as good a punishment as any... 'cause this is hell.  _Please..._ jus' let her be okay, wherever she is.  Can you do that much?"

He meant what he said.  He wasn't trying to take more than he deserved from life.  The problem was, he couldn't imagine how she _could_ be all right without him finding her.  She hadn't just decided to join some other survivors and run off.  If she had, and he could somehow know for sure that it was true, he could live with it.  But to imagine a world without Ellie in it... that was just... _Where ARE you, baby girl?  What happened?  I'm so sorry I didn't protect you from it, whatever it was... you can't be gone.  You CAN'T be.  What does that even mean... "gone"?  Rest in peace, they always say... if your soul ain't fucking THERE in your resting body--_

 _If I find her… WHEN I find her?... she has to BE there, in her body... she has to know how sorry I am for everything I ever did that hurt her... and she has to know how much I love her... how SPECIAL she is... h_ _ow she turns everything around her into something better than it was before_ _, including me... how she's the goddamn air I BREATHE--_

When he opened his eyes, he expected to see Ellie standing in front of him, for some reason.  Of course, she wasn't there -- he hadn't dozed off this time.

His only company was the dead guy he'd beaten to a pulp.  _I really am losing it now_.  "I gotta get goin'," he told the window.  "This wasn' really a prayer... or if it was, it was a shitty excuse for one, so I guess I don' gotta say... oh, fuck it.  _Amen."_

 

**Day 43**

Many hours later -- midafternoon, judging by the position of the sun -- Joel thought he heard Ellie again.  Only this time, she wasn't calling his name; she was... singing.  Or... making noises that vaguely resembled singing.

"Sophie!" he bellowed; his voice wasn't completely restored yet, but she couldn't have gone that far away.  _"Sophie!"_

"What what?"  She came hurrying from around the corner.

"Tell me you don' hear anythin'."

"Uh... what is it that I don't hear?"

"Jus' listen a moment... ... ... _that_.  Jus' my imagination.  Right?"

But instead of telling him he was right, Sophie gasped.  "I hear it, too!"

"Don't mess with me now."  He didn't dare get his hopes up this time...

But Sophie clutched his arm and tugged him toward the source of the faint... _singing_.  It was definitely singing.  "Ellie?" she called.  "Ellie, where are you?"

 _Holy shit -- it's NOT my crazy brain!  THANK GOD!_   Joel felt a surge of excitement.  "Ellie!  Ellie, I'm here!  Jus'... stay put an' I'll find you!" 

Silence. 

"But... keep singin'!"

It sounded even less like singing now, but there was some kind of muffled noise, coming from... _where?!_   The funny thing was, they were right across the street from where they'd started. _Was she right here this whole time?  How the hell did I miss that?_   "What the hell-- there's no rooms behind the... it's all caved in back there.  Nowhere to go but up."

"And that's definitely coming from... down.  Our level."

"Right.  Like she's... "  _...NO._  She couldn't be underneath all that rubble somehow, could she?

"Do you think she's under there?!" Sophie echoed his horrifying thought.

"That's... impossible."  Except that it kind of made sense -- it explained why he hadn't been able to find her.  _But all this shit was already HERE-- how did she--_ "Unless there's an openin' back here... somewhere..."  He moved quickly along the length of the debris until he reached a wall.  "Check the other side!" he called to Sophie.

Joel climbed where he could find purchase, careful to check the stability of the mound of debris... he wasn't even near Ellie, he was just looking for an entranceway of any kind -- there was absolutely nothing that even someone as small as Ellie could fit through, as far as he could see.  _Maybe behind this wall... maybe she got around it, somehow..._ Joel checked and doublechecked and triple-fucking-checked everything he could think of, all in vain. 

Sophie came around to his side of the 'mountain.'  "I got nothin'," she declared.  "I don't know how she did it!"

"Maybe she got in there an' ran into somethin' an' it collapsed on her... trapped her... it don' matter, we jus' gotta get her outta there!" He sprinted back to the closest place he could get to the source of her voice.  "Ellie?  Ellie!  Hang in there, kiddo, we're gonna have to dig you out, all right?"

No answer.  Joel's eyes darted around, trying to figure out where the hell to start digging.  What was safe to move that wouldn't cause an avalanche.

"Joel?" Sophie's voice was tentative.  "Do you think maybe... it was just a cat or something?"

"A cat?"  Joel snorted.  "What song was the cat singin'?  Did you recognize it?"

"Yeah, um... that one that goes..."  Sophie hummed the melody of the song Joel had in mind.

"Beatles.  'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' -- that's what I heard, too.  Ellie likes that song.  That was no goddamn _cat."_   Although it _had_ sounded much more mournful than the upbeat song Joel remembered.  He walked around to what he considered to be the front of the pile.  There was a vending machine laying on its side, with a 'column' of wall inches from its head.

_Something about that... that machine..._

"Sophie, c'mere.  Was that layin' like that when we got here?"

Sophie looked at it and frowned.  "I have absolutely no idea.  Maybe?  I wasn't looking over here, I don't think..."

"I don' think it was.  When you two went to the park... I think I remember seein' it leanin' against..."  _Why the hell didn't I notice that before?!_  So much for being observant.  He'd passed by it at least a couple times in the past two days, too, and hadn't noticed that its position had changed.  And he did walk by it that first day, when he'd started to follow Ellie down the street -- the unusual angle of it sharpened the memory.  It still didn't exactly explain how or why Ellie had gotten under all that shit, but it was something he could pursue.

There was nothing piled on top of it, and he couldn't see what was behind it, exactly... It didn't appear to be supporting the pile of rubble in any way; there was a semi-intact wall behind the upper half of it.  Something about the way it was sitting there, apart from the debris... it niggled at him.  _If I could just move it..._  It was a snack machine -- a big one, but the front casing was busted, giving him access to a slew of places to grab hold of.  He contorted himself in various ways to try to get a good hold on the thing, using its innards... he would have to pull it, but he couldn't get a decent grip on it.  "Shit.  I can't get behind this thing to push it, an' I can't pull it.  'Specially since the ground's cracked right there so it ain't a level surface.  It won't budge." 

 _Damnit, Joel, you should be able to do this!_   How heavy could the thing be?  It wasn't even intact.  But his muscles felt like jelly.  Catnap aside, he hadn't slept... hadn't eaten anything... in more than two days.  He could ignore the pain... push through it... but he couldn't do anything with _jelly_.  He sighed in frustration.  It was no use speculating if he could've moved it with his full strength or not. _Hang on, Ellie, just let me go take a nap and eat a can of soup and I'll be back later.  Try not to die in the meantime._

"What if I help?" Sophie offered.

"Still can't."  He wasn't even going to waste his time on that.  He'd heard of people in life or death situations performing superhuman feats like lifting cars and shit like that, but it sounded like bullshit to him.  "An' there's prob'ly jus' more crap behind there anyhow... I'm gonna see if I can get in from the second floor.  Keep tryin' to talk to Ellie, would you?"

Joel could go up a floor easily enough, and there were some holes in patches here and there, but nothing that clearly led to the interior of that rubble.  Frustrated, he scrambled back down and around to where they'd heard Ellie.  "Did you talk to her?" he asked Sophie.

"She's not answering!"  Sophie had tears in her eyes.  "What are we gonna do?"

Joel's half-hour-dead thought flitted through his mind, and he shoved it aside.  It had been like ten or fifteen minutes now since they'd heard her.  "Hang on, Ellie!  Stay with me, all right?  Jus' have to figure out how to..." _...get in there without crushing you..._ He turned to Sophie.  "I don' wanna jus' start diggin' all willy-nilly an' make shit fall on her.  I think I gotta start from the top... somewhere..."

"I'll help you!  Where?"

"I think... from the second floor.  Go get me the ax.  Hurry!"  One of the motherfuckers he'd killed had had one, and it was with their little arsenal up in Sophie's 'bedroom.'  While he was waiting for her to return, he studied the debris.  He wanted to choose the ideal spot to hack through the floor, in the hopes that the hacking wouldn't be helping him dig out Ellie only to make the entire second floor collapse into the first.  He'd gone through this building several times already, and it appeared to have settled into a fucked-up stability at some point like the hospital across from it had, although it wasn't leaning as severely.  But that didn't mean he couldn't threaten that stability... he had to be extremely careful.

He kept calling to Ellie while he waited as well, trying not to feel discouraged when she didn't answer him.  This was the closest he'd been to getting her back safe and sound in two days, and he actually had a _plan_ now, instead of just haphazard aimless wandering. _She has to be okay, she HAS to be okay, she has to be..._

It took Sophie approximately forever to return with the ax, even though he knew she'd been moving as fast as she could.  She wanted to come up and help him, but he told her to stay down there and keep talking to Ellie -- and to watch out for falling shit.

He could chop through the floor, but not through the chunks of brick he encountered beneath the floor.  And... some scrunched metal objects, furniture of some kind... like lockers or filing cabinets... nothing he could lift up to start clearing a path below. _This ain't going to work!_

Then he had a crazy idea.  Actually, not crazy -- brilliant.

He pitched it to Sophie, and she seemed skeptical.  "But if it's so heavy... could Poppy actually pull it?"

"Yes!  Horses are real strong.  An' I really think that machine is the key... that there might be a way to get to her behind that.  Maybe pull some of that other shit out on this side.  It's worth a try, ain't it?"  And he'd just picked up a fair amount of rope from scavenging, too!  "Go get the horse, I'll go get the rope."  He called over his shoulder, "I'll be right back, Ellie!  Hang on!"

He ran across the street and bolted up the fire escape like he was running for his life; in a way, that's sort of what he _was_ doing.  He didn't feel tired at all now, running on pure adrenaline.  He grabbed the rope, then hauled ass back to Ellie, moving so quickly that he startled Poppy when he got back down there. 

He would rather have tied the rope around the belly of the vending machine, but he couldn't lift that fucking thing, so he had to settle for tying its length.  It was good, sturdy rope, but would it be enough to hold?  He didn't know the best way to hitch it to Poppy, either; he was sure it wasn't that comfortable for her, the way he'd done it, but he promised her it was only for a very short while, and while he didn't think she understood him, her demeanor was calm... uncomplaining as ever.  Sophie would be the one to lead the horse into pulling the weight.  Joel idly wondered if he could have pulled it himself with the help of the rope, but his spasming muscles protested the thought, whereas he had no doubt the horse could do it.

He looked everything over.  Poppy was positioned at the midpoint of the machine.  Joel would try to help ease the thing over the broken patches of concrete if needed.  "Okay, Sophie, all set -- go!"

To his relief, it not only worked -- the horse was able to tug the machine away from the walls and debris -- but he didn't think he'd need to get her to tow anything else away, because there was a hole there!  A small one, but when he lay down on his stomach and shined his light in it, he could see it was some kind of tunnel.  He couldn't see Ellie, though... "Ellie!  _ELLIE!_  Come on, baby girl, I think you can get out over here... if it ain't blocked... _Ellie!_ Can you hear me?" he called to her desperately. _Who the hell tipped that machine over to trap her in there?!  And why?_

Sophie rushed up to him.  "Is she... ?"

"She ain't answerin' still."  Joel pulled himself up to his knees.  There was no way he could fit through there.  And the mound of rubble still didn't resemble anything he could easily pull apart, like a pile of scraps or something -- it was chunks of wall and metal, beams and bars and 'building guts,' basically.  He had to wonder how the hell that tunnel had been created.  The blocks and beams and shit would have had to land just so -- no, he didn't think it was accidental.  "I'm afraid if I try to move any of this shit, it might collapse an' block the way again.  But... maybe if I jus' go slow enough to--"

"I'll go in there," said Sophie.

"...What?  You can't fit in there..."

"Sure I can!  I think?  It'll be tight, but... I'm not _that_ much bigger than Ellie, and she could fit through that, right?  I mean, that must be how she got in there, isn't it?"

"I think so.  But you're a bit... wider.  No offense."

Sophie chuckled.  "Only a little!  I've gotta at least try, right?"

He couldn't argue that.  Well, he _could_... he could point out that it was dangerous.  They didn't know what had caused Ellie to become trapped, and how it had affected the rest of the area.  The tunnel could collapse and crush Sophie, or trap her... but for Ellie's sake, he sure as hell wanted her to risk it anyhow.  If the situation had been reversed, he never would have let Ellie go in there after Sophie.  "Go ahead," Joel urged.

He watched as she wriggled her way into the tunnel.  Her hips just barely cleared it, and she must have been scraping up against at least one side.  But she was _in!_   "Careful!  Don't... don' hit the sides, if you can help it..."

And then he just stood there, helpless.

She came wriggling back out -- backwards -- way too soon.  "It's too dark!  I need a flashlight..."

Joel unclipped the one he was wearing and handed it to her.  He knew Ellie didn't have hers... _poor baby girl, have you been in there in the dark this whole time?!  I'm so sorry it took me so long to find you... hang in there!_ Joel was _sure_ he'd yelled her name from out here, at least once.  Had she answered him, and he hadn't heard?  _But... I was LISTENING..._ _maybe the wind drowned her out before..._ If he hadn't been in such a goddamn hurry to search every room of every building on every street in the area, maybe it would have occurred to him that she could very well be--

That's when it hit him -- because there was another time it hadn't occurred to him that she might be in this spot.  _Holy shit -- IT'S MY FAULT.  I DID THIS._ He'd lobbed that bomb down to the street, at the other end of this building... which might have been enough on its own to dislodge the vending machine, if the thing had been leaning so precariously, but one of those fuckers had had some kind of dynamite or a similar explosive on them as well, amplifying the blast... _I BLOCKED HER IN THERE.  OH GOD-- IF SHE'S--_

 _No, don't think about that now –_ he could ruminate to his heart’s content _later_.  He didn't have anything useful to do right this second, but he needed his wits about him.  He waited in sheer agony for Sophie to report something back to him.  "Do you see her?" he called to her.

_"Not yet!"_

Joel waited impatiently through another ten seconds of silence.  "What's goin' on?  What do you see?"

_"Um... okay, I see her!  It sort of opens up in here after you get through the--"_

"Does she have a pulse?  Is she breathin'?"

_"Ummmmm... wait a sec... yes!  Yes!  And she's not like, crushed or anything, Joel, she's... I think she has a fever... oh God, her leg... her leg looks really bad, but she seems... okay? ...if she would just wake up!  Ellie, wake up!"_

_She's OKAY!_   Joel's heart sang in relief.  "Okay!  She won' wake up?  Even if you shake her or somethin'?  You got room to move around?"

_"She... sort of mumbled a little?  But no, she won't wake up.  Ellie!  Come on, girl, we gotta get out of here!"_

The mumbling was good.  He'd take it.  "All right.  If she won' wake up..."

_"I can wait in here until she does."_

"No!  No, I want her out of there."  _Sorry, baby girl, but..._ "...can you drag her?  Don' hurt her... do it careful-like... maybe that'll wake her up!"

_"Okay... there's this annoying rod or something in the way--"_

"Don't move anythin', Sophie!"  He'd had enough close calls from shit like that himself.  "You gotta go around it all!  You hear me? _DON'T MOVE ANYTHING!"_

_"Right right -- I get it!  I'll get her out, don't worry!"_

He couldn't _not_ worry, but he was feeling much better, knowing that Ellie was alive, and not pinned under something, and had even stirred a little bit in the past couple of minutes.  He started pacing anxiously, itching to do something but not knowing what he could do to make this easier.  He tried to imagine what the scene might look like in there.  "Pull her on her back, if you can!" he suggested.  "And don' bang her head -- can you pull both her arms up... an' sort of cradle her head in 'em?"

_"Okay!"_

"Take it slow... but hurry up!"

 _Yeah... maybe I've run out of helpful things to say._   He began pacing faster.  His body felt like... _water_.  He was afraid if he sat down, he might not be able to stand again.

_"Joel!  I can get her over to the tunnel but I don't know how to pull her out!  I can barely move... I can't... get any leverage to... uugghhhhh!"_

_Shit!_  Ellie was small, but she was completely dead weight, and Sophie wasn't that strong -- and if she couldn't even lift herself up at all, it _would_ be difficult to tug Ellie through the opening she could barely squeeze through herself while laying flat on the ground.

"We'll figure somethin' out.  Come on out of there, all right?"

Sophie wriggled out of the hole and started brushing herself off.  Joel retrieved the flashlight from her and got down on his stomach to shine his light in there again.  He couldn't see anything, since it wasn't a straight shot, but the putrid stench of an infected wound wafted toward him.  He had to get some antibiotics in her system -- fast.  Once the infection spread, it could turn deadly pretty quickly.  Even though he knew he couldn't squeeze through there, he tried anyway.  He managed to get his head inside, then just one arm, if he positioned it perfectly.  _Not helpful._ His shoulders were too broad.

"I think we should try Poppy again," said Sophie.

Joel was about to agree when it dawned on him that they didn't need a horse's strength.  "I can pull her out, if you can get back in there an' tie the rope around her."  Water or jelly or whatever-the-fuck, surely he could pull a girl who probably only weighed like ninety pounds.

"Oh!  Of course!  Duh.  _I_ could probably even pull her with a rope, huh.  Yeah, so... around her... where, do you think?  Her chest?"

"Uh... yeah, under her arms would prob'ly work best.  Or her wrists-- no, do her chest."  He stood up and handed the flashlight back to Sophie, then stripped off his top layer of clothing -- a long-sleeved flannel shirt that would probably cushion Ellie's head adequately.  His undershirt clung to him in sweaty patches, even though it wasn't all that warm out.  He hadn't really been feeling the temperature for the past couple days, he realized.  "Here -- find some way to tuck this around her head... tuck it into her shirt or somethin'... or jus' through her arms... I don' know..."

"I'll figure it out.  So... the rope...?"

"We'll need a decent length..." Joel cut the rope that was hugging the vending machine and freed Poppy from the other end, leaving what appeared to be more than enough length to reach from the mouth of the tiny tunnel all the way in to Ellie, judging by the distance of Sophie's voice when she'd been with her.  Ellie was so close... yet so far!  "How are you with knots?"

"What, tying them?  Eh..."

That wasn't very reassuring.  "I'll do it, then you can jus' work it under her arms... it don' have to be the exact right size."  _But I've had my arms around that girl enough that I should be able to get the loop pretty damn close anyhow..._ Again, he tried to visualize what would happen in there... "We should get a blanket you can roll her onto.  Like a stretcher."  That should've been the first thing he'd thought of.  His mind was racing, bombarding him with thoughts that he had to sift through and analyze their relevance.  _If I do something that hurts her more just because my brain is TIRED..._

He sent Sophie to fetch a blanket while he thought and re-thought of what he needed to tell her about wrapping Ellie in it -- keep her back and neck straight -- hands at her sides -- no, on her stomach -- tie the shirt under her chin like a bonnet, not around her neck -- hook one leg over the other -- tuck the blanket around her tightly... Sophie returned quickly with the thick blanket from the hunters’ camp, and he told her everything he could think of.  She kept assuring him she'd be careful.  Joel was most concerned about Ellie's head, since he didn't trust that he could keep it from banging into anything while flying blind.  He laid it all out for Sophie, demonstrating the type of knots to tie, first with the chest knot -- which perhaps wasn't needed after all, but what if Sophie didn't secure the blanket enough and it slipped off of her? -- and then by securing the rope to the blanket.

 _I don't think she needs to tie any more knots, actually... if she threads the blanket through the chest loop, it should hold pretty well._  Joel thought about doing a trial run with Sophie in the blanket, but decided it wasn't worth wasting time on -- he would send her in with extra rope and the knife, just in case, and then he'd just have to trust her judgment.  She said she understood, that she could do it... and finally, he watched her begin to navigate the tunnel again, a little more slowly now with the supplies she had to roll or push in front of her, and the helpless feeling returned.  _Hang in there, baby girl... God, I'm so sorry... if I had known... if I'd looked out that window earlier, maybe, or... I don't know..._

But he was here now.  He could help her in a matter of minutes.  All he could do for the moment was wait.  Wait, worry, second guess himself, worry some more, and pray to God that they weren't too late.


	39. Where the Heart Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the 2000 movie (aka "the Walmart baby movie").

_"Sophie!  Hurry up!"_

"I'm trying!" Sophie called back to the impatient man -- again.  Not that she blamed him for the impatience.  She'd seen someone die of sepsis; it happened quickly.  If that was what Ellie's infection had become, they were most likely screwed anyway, with their pitifully-small supply of penicillin and nothing else to fight it with.  And Ellie was so unresponsive to all the yelling... to getting tugged around like a sack of potatoes... Sophie was really scared for her.

And for Joel, because she honestly didn't think he could stand it if Ellie died.  And he'd never forgive her for being the reason Ellie was out here in the first place. ... _HE wouldn't forgive me?  How could I forgive MYSELF?_

But, as far as being trapped beneath a ginormous pile of rubble went, Ellie was pretty well off.  It didn't appear that any part of her had been crushed.  Which might seem like a miracle, but Sophie got the sense that most of the stuff was already there... and Ellie hadn't exactly burrowed her way into the center of it -- she'd crawled through a man-made tunnel.  It was too perfect to be organic; someone had taken the time to lay beams and boards and chunks of wall and who-the-heck-knows-what-else to create this space.  Kind of like kids making a fort... there was a toy truck in there, even... although the sound way in which the place was architected made her think it was adults who knew what they were doing, because it was sturdy enough not to collapse under all the shit on top of it (that she assumed came later?  But hey, maybe they piled all that on, too).  Joel would probably have a better idea... but she doubted he'd be in any sort of mood later to field such questions.  _Why would someone go to all this trouble?_... it wasn't like there weren't enough buildings nearby to hide in, live in... whatever.

_And why did Ellie come in here?_ With no flashlight, the place was darker than dark... seriously creepy. _But, Ellie IS braver than me, that's for sure._ There was a thermos in there that she knew wasn't Ellie's because they'd found hers in her backpack.  And that was _it_ \-- all Ellie had was a thermos and a truck.  _How did she get trapped... did someone push that vending machine over to block the exit?  If nothing fell on her, how did her leg get so jacked up?_   And her head... Ellie had enough blood caked into her hair on one side that Sophie knew she'd hit it hard.

Sophie followed Joel's instructions as best she could, and considering how nerve-wracking it was to be working against the clock as well as hearing Joel's frantic yelling every thirty seconds or so, she didn't think she'd done half bad.  She was satisfied that Ellie's head would be cushioned enough by the shirt, that the blanket would soften the bumps in the road... and she tried not to imagine Ellie's neck breaking on the way out, with Joel pulling real hard and her head catching on the ground in some unnatural angle... _is that even possible?!  That's unforgivable, too... fuuuuckcicles..._ Despite the growing impatience of the man outside, she took an extra minute to double check her handiwork.  It wasn't hard to move Ellie around when Sophie _wasn't_ laying flat on the ground without even the luxury of 'elbow room' to work with.  The blanket made a decent cocoon, and Joel's double-knotted harness thing felt sturdy.  He hadn't told her to bind Ellie's feet at all, but she wondered if the blanket might start to unwrap itself and go askew... probably not so much that it would ride up all the way through the harness-y part, though... _right?_   _Maybe she'll wake up and be able to crawl out herself, if she's not tied up too much..._ although she was completely dead to the world now.  No more mumbling, and she hadn't moved a muscle since Sophie had returned.  She had to keep checking to make sure she was breathing.

_"Sophie!"_ Joel called again.

"Just... about... done!"  She finished positioning the Ellie cocoon in front of the hole, her legs wrapped in the blanket but not tied with the rope.  "Okay!  Go!"

_"...I can pull now?  You got her tied up real good?"_

"Yes yes yes!  Pull!  I'll watch her -- I'm right behind her!"  Or, she would be as soon as she gathered up the extra rope and did a once-over, like she was checking out of a hotel.  She would leave the truck and thermos, but she thought she saw... _yes, that's Ellie's knife!_  It was just lying there, the blade out, in a little pocket of space opposite of Ellie.  Sophie wondered what she'd been trying to do with it.

_"Is she all right?"_

Sophie glanced at the opening of the tunnel; Joel had only pulled her maybe five feet.  "Yes!"

_"Her head's not gonna bang on anythin'?"_

"No!  Go ahead!"  Sophie folded Ellie's knife and stuffed it in her own pocket, then reaffixed the flashlight to her shirt collar and started crawling behind the girl's feet.

_"Is she still okay?"_ Joel called after another ten feet or so.

"Yes!"  Sophie actually couldn't see anything but the soles of Ellie's sneakers, so if the blanket (or Joel's shirt) slipped anywhere, she wouldn't be able to do anything about it.  If the _rope_ slipped... now that would be seriously awful.  If she couldn't somehow manage to drag Ellie back into the open area to fix it, they would both be stuck!  She should have brought the penicillin back in with her.  Joel would've had to talk her through how to administer it, and it would wrack the bejesus out of her nerves, no doubt.  If she did it _wrong_ , and the girl _died_... Maybe there was a reason Joel hadn't suggested it, either.  Or maybe he just wasn't thinking clearly.  He looked like absolute shit.  She'd never seen anyone look so exhausted in her--

_"Sophie?  Everythin' good?"_

"Yeeessss!  Joel, just keep going!"

She couldn't even tell if Ellie was still breathing, from her position behind the girl.  _Not that I could do anything about it from back here if I COULD tell... Pleeeease be okay, Ellie-girl, please please please!_ Sophie prayed.

She knew they were almost out of there when she could see pricks of daylight above Ellie's cocoon.  "We're really close now!" she called to Joel.  And then suddenly, Ellie's feet were no longer in front of her -- all Sophie could see was the mouth of the tunnel.  "You did it!  Is she okay?" she called to Joel.

_"Ellie!  Ellie!  C'mon, baby girl, open your eyes for me... please, Ellie!  ...don' do this to me..."_

When Sophie emerged from the hole, Ellie was cradled in Joel's arms.  He was on his knees, rocking her a little, smoothing the hair off her ashen face... talking to her as if trying to rouse her from sleep... the desperation in his voice brought tears to Sophie's eyes again.  She couldn't bring herself to tell him that if getting dragged through that tunnel wasn't enough to wake her up, then merely talking to her wasn't going to do the trick... somewhere in his head, Joel must have known that.  And yet... _Oh, fuck a duck, she's not... IS SHE?!_ Her face was splotched with dirt, and in the natural light, Sophie could see some cuts and bruises, but nothing as bad as her head or her leg.  The unblemished patches of visible skin were pale... a sickly gray color.  Sophie swallowed nervously.  "Is she..." _...dead?_

"Bring me the first aid kit -- an' the medicine!" Joel barked at her without lifting his gaze from Ellie's face.  "It's over there -- somewhere -- in my backpack!"

_I'll take that as a "no"!_  Ellie was still alive.  Sophie was a little surprised Joel didn't have this stuff already laid out, waiting for them.  _Well, after over two days, what's another minute or two?_   She located his bag nearby and pulled out the first aid kit; she had to rummage a little to find the penicillin and syringes in a separate little container.  Still, she couldn't have been gone more than thirty or forty seconds... when she returned, a chill raced through her:  Joel was _sobbing_.  Quietly, but audibly... unmistakably.  He was clutching Ellie to his chest, his face buried in her shoulder, still rocking her gently back and forth.  His shoulders quivered... his whole body looked pretty shaky, actually, but something about his upper body correlated with the sobs.

Tears spilled from her own eyes at the sight.  Sophie felt like she was intruding on a very private moment.  Seeing such a strong man completely lose it... _Ellie CAN'T be dead, or he wouldn't have asked me to get this stuff!  Unless it just now happened... or he was in la la land when he asked or something..._

Not knowing what else to do, she placed the requested items on the ground beside him,  snapping each container open for him, not quietly... then she gently laid a hand on his shoulder.  He actually jumped a little, like he hadn't realized she was there.  Joel didn't _ever_ not realize when someone was like... a hundred feet away from him, let alone someone practically right on top of him making a little bit of noise.  He lifted his teary face away from Ellie and fumbled for the things Sophie had just set down.

_Ellie's not dead!_ Sophie could see sweat on her forehead... or maybe that was just Joel's tears?  ...no, it was sweat, and it hadn't been there a minute ago... and she was pretty sure she could see the rise and fall of Ellie's chest... _she's BREATHING.  Hallelujah!_ Maybe Joel's tears stemmed from... relief?  From the emotional floodgates opening after being shut tight for two days?  Or was he afraid, because she looked so... so pale, so lifeless... _I think maybe it's just that he's absolutely heartbroken that this happened, and that she looks so... not good._   And of course, the penicillin wasn't a guaranteed cure.  _It's probably all of the above..._ Sophie wiped the tears away.  "What can I do?  Do you want me to--"

"Refill that canteen, would you?"  Though bleary-eyed and still sounding kind of choked up, Joel seemed to be done with the crying.

"You bet.  I'll bring the jug and some soap, too."  Sophie hesitated.  She had no experience with this, but since Joel was looking a little... well, run-down and ragged, to say the least... "If you want me to... um... I mean, your hands are shaking..."

"I can do it.  Go on."

She didn't argue; of course he could do it.  Anything he needed to do to save Ellie's life, he could do.  Sophie was sure he would've found a way to get inside that tunnel if he'd had to as well.

She ended up bringing a bunch of stuff down there.  A whole duffel bagful, and then some.  Because it wasn't like Ellie would be able to climb up to the first accessible floor, and Joel couldn't really carry her and climb at the same time.  They could use the rope again, but she didn't think Joel would want to do that, at least not yet.  She grabbed a blanket, the towel, cans of food, cooking things, clothes, toiletries... anything she could think of that might come in handy in the near future that she could quickly throw together.  Joel hadn't moved so much as a muscle when she got back -- or so it appeared; the discarded syringe told her that he'd administered the penicillin.  This time, she didn't startle him, but she still felt a bit like she was intruding.  _The way he looks at her, with such... love, of course, but that word doesn't even seem to do it justice... such total REVERENCE... utter devotion..._ There really wasn't a word that was good enough.  Whatever it was called, it was quite moving to witness.

"You wanna lay her down over here?" Sophie asked him, nodding toward the blanket she'd just plopped on the ground.

"No."

"Might be easier to get her cleaned up..."

"No.  She's fine where she's at."

_He can't let her go... literally!_ Sophie swiped at her eyes.  Again. 

He dribbled some water over Ellie's dry, cracked lips; she didn't appear to notice.  Still hadn't responded to anything.  Sophie washed her hands as best she could, and helped Joel wash his, then they set about cleaning the worst of her wounds, starting with that seriously disgusting one on her leg.  Sophie wondered momentarily if they were supposed to, by old times' standards, amputate the leg, since it was clearly infected.  An image of Joel swinging that ax like Paul Bunyan chopping wood came to mind.  But maybe it was too late for that?  _Or I'm just thinking in extremes.  Maybe it's not as bad as it looks..._ Joel seemed to know about all these sorts of things, so she didn't see the need to ask about it.  He wasn't wigging out, so... _yeah, he must think she's going to be just fine.  That the penicillin is all she needs.  If it comes down to amputating the leg or letting her die, he would grab that ax in a jiffy._

Joel decided they should give her a sponge bath; it was easier than transporting her all the way back to the river, and they had plenty of clean water and rags now.  He gingerly slid the rope contraption off of her and laid the blanket aside.  Ellie didn't have another pair of pants, and the ones she was wearing were unimaginably filthy -- there was no doubt they had to get her out of those.  Her underwear, too.  Sophie's capri pants would be a little big, but they figured that was a better option than using Joel's sweatpants.  Ellie did have more than one pair of underwear, at least, and Sophie was privy to Ellie's system of dividing her clean and dirty clothes, so she had fetched her a clean pair.  _Though even her dirtiest pair would be an improvement!_

It was easier for Sophie to be the one to undress her, since Joel was just... completely unwilling to lay her down.  She knew this was a clinical setting (or the equivalent of, anyway), but it still felt a little... _awkward_ , to be pulling Ellie's pants off -- her underwear, even -- in front of Joel.  Not just in front of him -- on _top_ of him.  "I can do this," she offered.  "You don't have to... you know..."

Joel didn't seem bothered in the slightest.  "It's all right.  Ain't like she's awake to get embarrassed."

Sophie had to chuckle at that.  How nice it was to be able to laugh after the past two days' worth of... _not_ , at all!  And it _was_ more important to bathe Ellie than to preserve her modesty -- heck, maybe these two had even had to help each other sans clothing in the past.  "I guess she'd be embarrassed even if it was just me -- she still won't bathe naked when we go together."

"We jus' won't tell her about this, then," Joel suggested.

"Yeahhhhhhh... okay.  Pixies swooped in and changed her clothes or something."

"Sounds good to me.  She jus' moved a little... you see that?"  Joel cupped Ellie's cheek in his hand.  "Ellie... can you wake up now, kiddo?  Can you drink some water for me?"

Sophie did see her stir a little bit, which was encouraging, but apparently, Ellie still wasn't actually regaining consciousness.  "That's okay," Sophie said airily.  "She should sleep through the indignity of all this anyway.  She can wake up when we're done."

Joel smiled a little, and caught Sophie's eye.  "Thank you."

"Of course!"  She didn't know what exactly he was thanking her for, but she kind of took it as all-encompassing gratitude -- which she certainly didn't deserve, since none of this would have happened if it hadn't been for her.  Whenever she expressed sentiments like that to them, though, Joel and Ellie would graciously decide it was Alex's fault instead.  At least, they usually did; Sophie had learned to just shut the fuck up about _all_ subjects when Ellie was in a bad mood.  Sophie was good with laying the blame on Alex; she missed her brother like the dickens, but she could still be mad at the dickhead for leaving.

Joel let Sophie wash Ellie's lower half while he dressed the leg wound -- which he did fairly deftly, considering he had to do it with his arms full of Ellie.  He also had to roll Ellie around a little to give Sophie better access to wash everywhere.  They didn't find any other alarming injuries.  She got the fresh underwear on her as quickly as she could, and draped the towel over her.  For modesty's sake, but also, the girl _had_ to be cold... Ellie got cold quicker than Sophie did, and it was pretty chilly to be outside in the shade without pants on, even in the afternoon.  Her skin was cold and clammy, but also goosepimply; Sophie asked Joel if that last one was a good thing, as a healthy response to stimuli or whatever.  He didn't know, but seemed to like that theory.

Joel was definitely more hesitant to address Ellie's upper half.  He was willing to part with her hoodie, but not her T-shirt.  Sophie couldn't understand it, considering he hadn't batted an eye at exposing her lady bits.  _He could at least take her shirt off, if not her bra?_   "Don't you want to see if she has some wounds that need cleaning?  Just because we can't see them over her clothes doesn't mean she couldn't have hurt herself, right?  And... I think that's vomit, on her... on the front, there..."

Joel nodded slowly.  "Yes, I want to get her cleaned up... maybe you should go... go, and... uh..."

"Go?  _Now_ you want me to leave?"Sophie didn't bother to hide her bewilderment.

"Yes... go an' bring me a..." Joel sighed.  "You know what?  After all this... I think you can handle the truth.  Ellie... see, she has this little secret."

"A secret?"  Sophie couldn't imagine what that might be.  "So... that's why she's... shy, at bath time?  Is there something wrong with her?" she asked gently.

"No... not wrong.  Different."

"Like... a deformity?"

Joel chuckled.  "No, nothin' like that.  Ain't got nothin' to do with... well, I'll jus' show you.  Don' freak out, all right?"  He lifted Ellie's shirt and started working it up over her head and arms, and as soon as her right arm fell back in place, Sophie's gaze was drawn to it. 

"Holy guacamole, she's got a bad wound on her... hey, is that a burn?  I thought it was just her hand... and that... that healed already..."

Joel was watching Sophie closely, as if to gauge her reaction -- and she wasn't sure what the right one would be.  Not-repulsed, maybe?  "It ain't a burn," said Joel.  "An' she's had it for over a year now.  Since right before I met her.  What else does it look like it could be?"

"What else?  Ummm..." It looked like a bite from an infected person, but if she'd had it for over a year, that was impossible.  "I have no idea.  I give up."  Joel continued looking at her, and Sophie wondered what he was expecting.  So Ellie had hurt herself somehow -- why all the secrecy?

"Ellie got bit by a Runner, last summer -- two summers ago, now.  She never turned.  She's immune to the virus."

Sophie certainly hadn't been expecting _that_ explanation!  "You're kidding.  Right?  ... lack of sleep has addled your brain so much that you actually think that's funny?"

"Nope.  Dead serious.  That's why she never wears short sleeves.  Ain't sure why she keeps her underthings on when you two bathe together -- shyness, I reckon -- but that's one reason she don' want you lookin' at her.  She's good at hidin' it, too, for short periods of time.  She can cross her arms over her chest, or jus' turn it the other way..."

Joel sure did seem serious.  And the closer Sophie examined the scarring, the more obvious it seemed that it was exactly what he said... that it couldn't be anything else.  "Who else knows?" she asked.

"No one.  Tommy an' Maria.  That's it.  They had to know, 'cause... well, that's a whole 'nother story.  For another time.  I'm only tellin' you now because... you've been helpin' her so much, an' I do wanna make sure she's okay... and -- I know we can trust you.  Sophie, look at me -- you _cannot tell anyone_ about this.  You understand?  Not another living soul."

Sophie frowned.  "But why do you want to keep it a secret?  It's a _good_ thing!  If she's really immune, that's really... _special_..."

"Exactly.  That's exactly why it has to be a secret.  There are people in this world who would... try to do somethin' about it... this immunity she has.  An' there's other people who'd freak out... if they think eventually she's gonna turn or somethin', they might try to kill her.  Ellie jus' wants to be a normal kid -- or... _young lady_..."

Sophie nodded.  "Gotcha.  That makes sense.  If the government knew... they'd probably turn her into a lab rat, huh."

"They'd try."  Joel snorted.  "If anyone ever asks you questions about her... you don' say a word.  I know you care about Ellie, an' you wouldn' do nothin' to hurt her.  But that's my call to make, not yours.  It should be Ellie's, but... Anyhow, what I'm tryin' to say is you can't tell _anyone_ , even if you think you can trust them.  'Cause even if you trust that they wouldn' want to hurt Ellie, an' even if you swear 'em to secrecy, they still might tell someone else an' make 'em swear the same, an' so on an' so forth 'til the wrong person knows -- someone untrustworthy.  And I'll tell you this right now:  if I think anyone _might_ do somethin' that could hurt her... if I even find out that they _know_ about this... let's just say Ellie comes first with me.  Everyone else can go to hell.  So it's in your best interest not to tell anyone you care about."

Joel looked as intense as she'd ever seen him.  It was a thinly-veiled threat, and she knew he meant what he said.  "I get it.  I promise I won't tell aaaaanyone.  And... thanks.  For trusting me."  She knew he wouldn't have told her if the circumstances had been different, but... still.  It made her feel kind of special anyway.  Like she'd just joined a very elite club.

"Don' make me regret it," he grumbled.  "Where'd you put the soap?"

While they finished cleaning her up, Ellie stirred a couple more times, and made the softest of moaning sounds... she still wouldn't wake enough to take a drink or open her eyes.  After they dressed her in Sophie's pastel pink 'beach bunny' sweatshirt (complete with a cartoon bikini-clad bunny in shades on a lounge chair, sipping an umbrella'd drink), Joel looked the girl over and shook his head.  "She's gonna hate this shirt... hey, Ellie!  Wake up, kiddo -- you wanna see what Sophie dressed you in?"

Sophie was very glad to see Joel in good spirits again.  He seemed to have nothing but optimism about Ellie's prognosis now, even though she was still unconscious.  "Actually, she saw me pick it up and she thought it was cute," she told him.  "Unless that was just bull."

"She don' usually bullshit like that," Joel replied.  "It looks a little girly for her... but she does have pink bunny slippers, so who knows.  She didn't bring 'em."

"Aww.  Bet she looks adorable in those."  Sophie couldn't really picture it, though; Ellie didn't strike her as the bunny slipper sort of girl.  But, people were complex, many-layered creatures... a girl could cuss like a sailor, play in the dirt, hunt and skin animals -- and _kill_ people -- all day long, and still yearn to slip into fuzzy bunny slippers at night, couldn't she? 

Joel, though... there was nothing complex about him the past couple of days.  Every desire he may have had was shelved except for _FIND ELLIE_.  With dark circles beneath his bloodshot eyes, and his whole body sort of... _drooping_... he looked years older than he'd been a week ago.  "Hey, why don't you get some sleep now?" Sophie suggested.  "Here, I'll make you up a little bed..." She began to unfold the blanket.

"It ain't nowhere near bedtime."

"Of course it's not, but it is when you haven't slept in two days!  Criminy.  I've slept _twice_ since you last slept.  So just bring Ellie over here and you can lie down next to her like always."

Joel watched her spread the blanket on the ground.  "That's an awfully temptin' offer.  But layin' here... in broad daylight?"

"I'll keep watch, if that's what you're worried about.  I'll wake you up the second I see anyone, I swear to God."  She'd committed the egregious error of not alerting him once, when she'd been on a brief watch... things had turned out okay, obviously, but she wouldn't make that mistake again.  Wouldn't assume that he didn't want to be _bothered_ in situations that may or may not become problematic... wouldn't try to make the call herself after fretting _oh maybe I should wait until: they get closer/I can see weapons/the Infected wander our way instead of the other way_ \-- no.  Joel always wanted to know everything.  Even Ellie, in spite of her struggle to assert her independence or competence or whatever it was that made her defy Joel sometimes, never made that mistake. 

"It's still too open here," said Joel.  "Can you put the blanket over there... behind the vendin' machine?"

"Oh, yeah... yeah, that's good.  Almost like a little room that way."  Sophie snatched up the blanket and moved it to the preferred location.

"You don' have to stay real close... keep an eye on the horse.  Someone tries to steal her, it at least buys us a little time."

_Time for what?_   If someone tried to steal Poppy, Joel would just shoot them.  Game over.  "I'll stay close.  In case Ellie wakes up.  Here, let me help you..."

"I got her."  Joel looked like he was about to drop dead from exhaustion (probably emotional as much as physical), yet he still managed to stand up and keep hold of Ellie -- and really, he could have just dragged her over there.  He only had to take like five steps.  "If she wakes up, so will I.  Don' matter how tired I am."

"Light sleeper.  Right."  And something more than that... something that was specific to Ellie.  Sophie couldn't think of the right word to describe it.  It was love, obviously, but... again, the word 'love' almost sounded too generic.

Joel got Ellie settled on her right side, as it was her left leg that had the nasty wound, and then lay down behind her in a spooning position, his arm draped over her protectively.  "Don' be afraid to wake me up, now," he murmured, half-asleep already.  "Better to be awake an' alive than dead... than sleepin' an' dead..."

"Sweet dreams."  Sophie laid the cocoon blanket over them, and she couldn't help smiling at the sweet sight of the two of them sleeping, all cuddled up.  Sure, she was a little envious.  Aside from Ellie being sick, of course, who wouldn't be?  But she'd long since given up any hope of Joel looking at her the way he looked at Ellie.  Since before the trip, even.  She may have entertained a fantasy or two about things changing, out here... but never any real hope.  Joel had made it extremely clear that he wasn't interested, and Sophie didn't make a habit of throwing herself at men who didn't want her.  Not in recent years, at least.

When Joel had begun to stop by -- both at her house and the laundromat -- without Ellie, just to 'see how things were going'... she had wondered.  It sure seemed like he was trying to think up excuses to see her, but then, when she tried to flirt with him, he never reciprocated -- or even seemed to notice, some of the time.  Other times, she got the feeling she was making him uncomfortable.  _He's just really shy_ , she would tell herself.  Because the man kept coming by!  Maybe not every week, but at least every other week.  She would get the feeling that he wasn't interested, and then he'd show up again.  She just didn't know what to think.  And while Joel didn't exactly strike her as the shy type, he wasn't the life-of-the-party type, either... more the 'strong and silent' type.  Maybe he was just a bit socially awkward, especially with women.  Which was kind of endearing, really... the thought of this self-assured tough guy not really knowing how to go about making a move...

_Hahaha -- yeah, no._   Not after the little fiasco in her bedroom.  Which was still a bit... perplexing.  She'd even used the world's most obvious _come hither_ tactic: the hey-I-want-to-show-you-something-in-my-bedroom maneuver.  And he'd gone in there!  He _had_ to know... but he just proceeded to tell her she'd read the situation all wrong.  There was no shyness... it wasn't that he was just uncertain how to proceed.  He simply wasn't into her.  She hadn't wanted to believe it, and had even deluded herself into believing he was just trying to set a good example for Ellie.  But when she thought about it over the next couple of days, she'd concluded that either he never had any feelings of that nature towards her whatsoever, or maybe he did, but couldn't pull the trigger on them, because of Ellie or maybe his own issues... maybe he thought about it, but changed his mind... whatever the reason, it was the same result:  nothing was going to happen.

When they'd been looking for Ellie, Sophie couldn't help thinking that maybe the girl's disappearance was her fault -- because she _had_ wondered, from time to time, how things might be different if Ellie weren't around.  It was ludicrous, of course, to think that any idle thoughts she had could directly affect Ellie like that.  But the cosmos had answered her question anyway: things would be _different_ , alright -- they would be _fucking miserable_.  Suffering without end. 

Sometimes she got the impression that Ellie was a little jealous of _her_ , for whatever jacked-up reason Sophie couldn't fathom.  When Ellie got better, Sophie would have to tell her what Joel had been like for the past two days.  If only she could've seen _that_... how could she be jealous of anyone ever again?  It was obvious where his heart was.  _That girl... she IS his heart!_

Sophie found a place to hitch up Poppy that allowed the horse to forage in the grass and weeds poking up around the building, if she wished to -- and judging by the longing looks Poppy was shooting at the park (yes, horses could look longingly, she'd discovered!), she would much rather be back over there, but that was a little too far away.  To do it The Joel Way, frequently described by Ellie as the only _right_ way (heavy on the sarcasm), the ideal spot for Poppy to rest was close enough that they could stop someone from stealing her, but far enough away that a greedy survivor could spot her without also spotting the three of them, if they were able to hide at all... like now.  It was almost like using her as bait to kill thieves.  It was true, though -- a hunter wasn't going to shoot a horse, but he might very well shoot humans.  A starving hunter might perhaps see Poppy as food, but Joel said that in his experience, people tended not to look at horses that way -- not if there was enough game to hunt in the area. 

It was a good thing she hadn't brought her book down here, because she would have been tempted to read it, and that wouldn't be very 'watchful' of her.  Joel was trusting her -- again.  Not that he had much choice... he was more exhausted than she'd ever seen him.  He appeared to be sleeping pretty deeply now... probably an illusion.  But maybe not.  He was only human, after all.  Sophie decided to make a little barricade-type thing out of their bags, on top of the vending machine; if she lay on her stomach with her chin resting on her arms crossed over the duffel bag, she could see pretty well.  No one could come sneak up on them from behind, and to her right, where Joel and Ellie were sleeping, they'd have to crawl through that teeny foxhole tunnel, so that side was safe.  She would be able to spot someone walking down the street before they would notice her, motionless amongst all the stuff, and she could just slither down on the Joel'n'Ellie side. 

She didn't think Joel expected her to patrol the area or anything like that.  Just... stay awake, and pay attention.  The only thing she could really do while on watch was toy absently with her dirty hair... and think.

_If only people in Jackson could see them now..._ maybe not a snapshot of this very moment, because some dickcicle could still twist it into something perverted -- but everything that led up to it.  Not just the nightmare of Sacramento... more like, the way these two looked out for each other in general.  The way they always seemed to know exactly where the other one was, even in the midst of a melee.  Like, they could somehow concentrate on killing the person in front of them and still be aware if the other needed help.  Whereas the only thing Sophie could concentrate on from the sidelines was not pissing herself.

Then there was Ellie burning her hand because she'd given no thought to her own safety while helping Joel.  And of course, Joel, these past two days... _God.  I don't know how he kept going... he was like that bunny from the old days... the Energizer bunny!_   Relentless and single-minded in his search for Ellie.  Sophie wondered how much longer he could have gone on without sleeping.

She stole glances at them from time to time.  Every time Ellie so much as twitched, Joel did too, although it didn't appear to Sophie that he actually woke up in those moments.  She felt like she was doing something important now... that if she weren't there, Joel couldn't have allowed himself to get this much-needed rest.  _What a great feeling!_

Early on, Sophie had entertained the thought of there being some truth to the rumors -- not the nasty parts, but the idea of Joel and Ellie possibly being more than... whatever they were (not quite father and daughter, but that was the relationship that came the closest).  She'd wondered that very first day, when they'd gone off behind those rocks for a 'nature break'... without bringing the toilet paper with them.  She would've thought that they'd at least have mentioned later that they'd forgotten it, or Joel would've sent Ellie running back to fetch it or something.  But then she immediately dismissed the thought -- whatever they were doing over there, they weren't having a quickie.  She knew Ellie had a crush on Joel, but she also knew Joel would never take advantage of it -- and he wouldn't be sexually attracted to a child.  Ellie wasn't a _child_ -child, but still -- she was someone he pretty much regarded as a daughter.  Who might as well be his daughter.  Maybe they just needed that time alone to talk, or be more affectionate or something... whatever the case may be, it certainly wasn't sexual.

She also wondered from time to time if Joel was gay.  He didn't _seem_ like it, but maybe her gay-dar was off?  The whole time he'd been in Jackson, he hadn't been interested in anyone, to her knowledge.  She knew of two gay men in Jackson, but they were a couple... if there were any more, they were in the closet; Joel's dating pool would've been severely limited.  And he was just so... _SO_ all about Ellie, all the time.  Clearly, whatever needs she fulfilled for him more than compensated for the lack of sex.  She also thought it was possible that he was asexual.  Or, maybe he was heterosexual and simply didn't want that kind of relationship.  Not everyone needed or desired a sexual relationship with another person.  _Lord knows I sometimes wonder why I'm still looking myself!_ But... Joel and Ellie practically _were_ in a romantic relationship.  They had everything but the sex component.  And they loved each other more than any couple she could think of, even the married (or married-equivalent?) ones... maybe _especially_ the married ones.  She knew plenty of unhappy couples in Jackson.  Some of them had truly only gotten together because they were running out of time and wanted children (more than one man had told her this, although she couldn't be sure at least one of them wasn't just trying to sweet-talk his way into her bed -- namely, the one who said he felt like his wife had tricked him just to have a child). 

Whatever his deal was, Joel would have to put some distance between him and Ellie if he did decide he wanted to pursue a relationship.  Sophie didn't see that happening any time soon.

She hated that people could be so narrow-minded that they couldn't comprehend any relationship that fell outside the norm:  _"they must be either this or that/black or white/ romantic or platonic"_... no hybrids allowed.  _Nothing_ was normal now, when compared to the old days.  When she was maybe eleven or twelve, she'd heard about a celebrity on trial for molesting little boys.  It hadn't made sense to her.  She was fuzzy on the details after all these years, but apparently, the evidence had suggested that he just really enjoyed spending time with and playing with kids -- innocent playing.  As she got older, of course, she'd picked up on the pedophilia aspect of certain behaviors... but she still thought he was innocent, just _different_.  Joel wasn't anything like that guy, but most people would clutch their pearls upon learning that he and Ellie had shared a bed every night out here (she suspected the two had been doing it at home as well) -- and those people would immediately assume it meant something sexual was going on.  Looking at them now... there was nothing sexual about it, and not just because both of them looked like death warmed over -- it was about them loving each other.  Needing each other.

In her opinion, there was really only one problem with their closeness:  if Joel didn't want a romantic relationship with another person, that was one thing, but Ellie was so young -- too young to make that choice.  Maybe her love for Joel could co-exist with love for (or at least interest in?) a boy... Sophie just didn't see how, when Ellie already had those feelings for Joel.  _But what can Joel do about it?  They CAN'T be apart.  And why should they be?  There's not enough love in the world to go around anyway... you gotta hang on to it if you're lucky enough to find it.  If Joel loved ME like that... I think I could do without sex, too.  Besides, there's always self-love!_ Honestly, that was sometimes _better_ than sex.

After maybe an hour or two, Ellie started whimpering, and Joel did wake up fully then.  She started to cough, and quick as a wink, he pulled her up to a sitting position.  She didn't seem to want to sit up on her own, so he kept a supportive arm around her.  He offered her his canteen.  "Ellie... you gotta drink this, it'll make you feel better..."

And she drank it!  _Finally!_   Sophie slid off the vending machine and hovered nearby, in case Joel needed something.  Ellie didn't look any better, really... her eyes were glassy and listless... her skin was perhaps a smidge less gray than before?  Joel helped her drink, but she didn't swallow very much water before turning away from it and coughing a little more.  Sophie had to strain to hear her when she spoke. 

"Where did... ... Joel?" she croaked out.

"I'm right here, baby girl."

"My... did you see her?"

"See who?"

"My mom... she was..." She turned her head a little, her eyes darting around like she was looking for someone.  She tried to raise her voice.  "Mom!"

Joel glanced at Sophie.  "No, kiddo, you must be thinkin' of Sophie.  She was helpin' you out, earlier."  He tried to keep Ellie's face turned toward him.

She still kept looking around, not focusing on Joel at all.  "But... my mom is dead."

_Yeah... and?_   Talk about an illogical argument...

"...That's right... an' Sophie's alive, see." Joel was smoothing her hair, caressing her face.  It was sweet, but... there was something antsy about the gestures.

Sophie scooted a little closer.  "Yeppers.  And you haven't called me Mom in over a month," she quipped.

Ellie's gaze rested on Sophie for a moment, but she didn't seem to recognize her... or maybe even _see_ her... and she didn't seem to have heard her, either -- or maybe she could only concentrate on what she wanted to say.  "Joel... I'm sorry..."

Joel chuckled.  "For what?  You're okay now... everythin's fine... _I'm_ the one who's sorry."

"No," she all but whispered.  "No... but... I'm glad you're with me."

"Where else would I be, hmm?  Can you drink a little more for me?"

"No... Joel, I'm..." She paused to swallow, and then didn't finish the sentence.

"You're what?" Joel had to prompt her.

"I'm... dying."

"...What?"  Joel _had_ to be absolutely stricken, hearing that, but he kept his cool... kept speaking to her gently.  "No.  You ain't dyin'.  I gave you some antibiotics.  They jus' gotta kick in."

"I feel it... I feel it, so... I'm not dead... right?  Not yet... still dying... die, die, die m'darlin'... are _you_ dead?" 

The _'die die die'_ part had varied slightly from the monotone... _what another weird thing to say!_   Sophie marveled at how calm Joel was, especially considering what Ellie had just asked him. 

He tilted Ellie's chin up, trying to get her to look at him.  "Ellie, listen to me:  you're _not dyin'_.  I won't let you do that.  You're a little sick, is all.  You need to rest.  An' drink just a little more for me... please?"

Ellie drank a tiny bit more, but it seemed like even that much effort was too much for her.  Sophie picked up the rag they'd been using and tried to find a clean corner of it to mop up the glistening beads of sweat on Ellie's forehead.  "Maybe it's the fever talking..." _...or maybe it's the sepsis..._ The person she'd known who had it also said he felt like he was going to die... and he was dead within a day.  _Not Ellie, though, PLEASE not Ellie..._ the wound couldn't have been infected that long -- they could turn this around before she actually went septic... _right?_   "Yeah, must be the fever," she decided, as if repeating it would make it so.

"Maybe."  Joel took the rag from her and patted Ellie's forehead with it. 

"Are you dead?" Ellie asked him again.  "Just... tell me... need to know..."

_Why the fuck is she asking him that?_ It unnerved Sophie, and it had to be ten times worse for Joel.  Ellie wasn't even looking at him.  She just stared into the distance... _with dead eyes.  It's that same unseeing look dead people have until you close their eyes._

"Do I look dead to you?" Joel tried to reason with the girl in his arms.  Ellie did shift her gaze slightly to look at him then, but it still seemed like she wasn't _seeing_ him. 

Sophie forced a chuckle.  "You... _do_ kind of look like shit on a stick, Joel.  I can see why she might think you're dead."

Joel's chuckle sounded more legit than hers had been (although she attributed that to a superior ability to fake it, rather than actual mirth).  He smiled at Ellie.  "Is that it?  You're teasin' me for lookin' like crap?  That ain't very nice." 

Ellie didn't laugh, didn't smile... if anything, she seemed a bit confused.  _Or... is that a grimace?  Like she's in pain?_

"Why can't you... just tell me?" Ellie asked, still uncharacteristically stoic.  "~Please please tell me now~"

Again, her pitch changed slightly, and Sophie realized she was trying to sing... like a lyric would run through her mind and she would sing it rather than speak it.

"Tell you what?" asked Joel.

"Tell me... are you waiting... did you die?"

"I ain't dead," he replied patiently.  "All right?  Neither are you.  You're gonna be fine."

"Okay."  She quietly absorbed this information for a moment, fixing her unseeing gaze on Joel.  "Can you..."

"Whatever you want, baby girl."

"...tell my mom?"

"Tell her what?  That neither one of us is dead?  That you're gonna be fine?"

"Yeah... I dunno where... she left?"

"I'll tell her."  He laid the rag over her forehead and cupped her cheek again, stroking it with his thumb.  "Maybe you jus' need to sleep a little longer."

"...No... if I sleep now... it's forever.  Done."  She was speaking dully, without emotion; she'd shown pretty much no emotion since waking, unless the semi-singing counted.  "I won't wake up.  Or down."

Unperturbed, Joel shook his head.  "No, Ellie... your body needs to fight off this... thing.  Sleep will help."

"It's white.  Makes more sense.  I can feel it, feel it..."

She wasn't making much sense to Sophie.  And she just didn't sound like the Ellie she knew.  _I've never seen her so... her fever must be crazy-high..._

Joel must've been just as bewildered, but he still didn't show it.  "You feel... pain?  What hurts?  Your leg?  Your head?"

"No, it's... more... everything," she mumbled, definitely wincing this time as she squirmed a little.  "...my blood... bones... all dying... dying cold... dying in the sun~..." ...although they were in the shade.

Joel looked quite pained himself, studying Ellie's wan face.  Sophie knew that whatever Ellie was experiencing, he would have taken it all upon himself if he could.  In a heartbeat.   "Sophie, can you bring me another blanket?  From... anywhere... the beds up there..."

"You betcha."  The idea of physically doing something to help was appealing.

"An' one o' them cans of soup."

" 'kay."

"An' the pot -- the cooking stuff... bowls..."

"I got it, don't worry.  Be right back."

She had brought most of that down already... she just needed more blankets.  By the time she got back, though, Ellie was asleep again.  Sophie wondered what Joel had said to her when they were alone, and if it had helped convince her she could sleep without dying.  She almost asked, but then decided it was somehow too intrusive a question.  Maybe he hadn't said anything at all, and the sickness hadn't given her the choice to remain awake or not.  Joel had actually laid her down fully on the blanket; he wasn't holding her, or touching her at all.  The other blanket was pulled up to her chin.  Sophie handed over a thick blanket and a pillow, and Joel tucked them around Ellie, who mumbled and shifted a little.

"Here's two cans of soup," Sophie told him.  "How about I make one now -- for you?  You have to eat, too, you know."

Joel was kneeling beside Ellie now.  He stared at the sleeping girl a few moments before answering.  "All right.  I'll split it with you, an' we can all split the second one when Ellie's up for it."

"Cool beans."  Sophie was absolutely tickled that he'd finally agreed to eat something.  "Maybe by tonight she'll... be more awake.  More herself."

Joel kept frowning at Ellie.  "She seemed..."

"Tired?" Sophie supplied, though she figured Joel was thinking more along the lines of _out of it_ , or _despondent._   She didn't want to be a Pollyanna or anything, but she did feel strongly inclined to buoy Joel's spirits where she could.  "Is it too soon to give her another dose?"

"Yeah.  I hope she ain't allergic.  I think... I think we'd know by now, if she was.  Wish I could give her somethin' for... at least to help her sleep better, not so fitful-like... so she can kick that fever..."

"There's pills up--"

"No.  There's no way of knowin' what they are.  Can't risk it."

"Right.  Of course.  I'm sure she'll come around."  _Uh... trite, much?  Jeez_.  But Joel seemed to want to hear it.  He needed to believe it.

He nodded.  "It's prob'ly jus' the fever... the trauma... bein' in pain... it's all makin' her confused."

"Right, yeah, all that."  _Oh, Joel... after what you just put yourself through to find her and save her, God would have to be one sick puppy to let her die now_ , Sophie couldn't help thinking.  "I'm going to... find a spot to heat this up."

He finally lifted his gaze from Ellie.  "I can do it."

"No, let me!  Stay with Ellie," she said before he could even start to get up.  Sophie wasn't a pro at making fires, but she'd managed to do it decently enough before.  "I'll find somewhere, don't worry, just stay with her."

She half expected him to protest... but he didn't.  He still looked drop-dead exhausted himself.  _It must be so frustrating for him, not being able to help her now... having to just sit around, waiting and hoping._

Sophie was glad she had something else to do that made her feel useful.  They could eat the soup cold (they'd done it before), but it was so much nicer warmed up.  Ellie needed comfort food, and cold soup wouldn't cut it.  Sophie gathered some kindling -- mostly in the form of broken office furniture, which she would need to chop up into friendlier pieces -- and brought an armful back down to Joel and Ellie, thinking maybe it would be nice to get a campfire going close enough to keep them warm.  She was going to ask Joel, because sometimes he preferred not to keep a fire burning that might draw unwanted attention to them... but he'd fallen back asleep, too!  On top of the blankets, on his side, with his hand resting on Ellie's stomach.  Not quite as close to her as he was before... maybe on account of her twitching and shifting so much. 

Sophie figured he was touching her so _he_ could sleep.  Like his brain wouldn't be able to shut off if there wasn't some part of him in contact with some part of her.  But maybe on some level, Ellie did know he was there, and derived some comfort from the knowledge.  Spiritual or emotional more than physical, it seemed, because she did not appear to be resting very comfortably.  Sophie imagined Joel's hand full of healing energy, draining his own body of every ounce of strength he had and pouring it into Ellie.  ...it was a nice romantic fantasy, anyway.

_This is going to be a long night..._ and the sun had only just begun to set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More [fanart](https://imgur.com/pGbYvtH) from the talented **nodonttouchme** :D


	40. Truth Be Told

**Day 44**

 

Ellie slept.

Joel told himself this was a good thing.  Her color had improved, which made him feel like she at least wasn't on the brink of death -- the way she'd seemed to be when he'd pulled her from the tunnel.  The penicillin might be taking its sweet-ass time, but she definitely wasn't getting worse.  Since sleep was a good healer, all he wanted was for her to sleep, and sleep, and then sleep some more, until she woke up and felt happy again, pain-free... until the light came back to her eyes.  There was no way they could travel with Ellie in her current state, and though he would have liked to move her into the other building (where Sophie had been sleeping), she had to at least be strong enough to hold on to his back while he climbed up there, and he didn't trust that she was; she had yet to attempt to get up, or even _sit_ up.  They could get creative and devise some sort of lift if needed, but the place they were at wasn't so bad.  It was semi-secluded, and all the hunters in the area were dead.  If there was anyone else around, they were either steering clear or just not happening to come down their street.

Which was a good thing, because Joel knew he wasn't being as vigilant as he should be.  Exhaustion had caught up to him, and worrying about Ellie seemed to cancel out some of the rest he did manage to get.  It was nice to have Sophie around to take care of things so that he never had to leave Ellie's side.  The woman had gone from not knowing how to do much to being capable of doing just about everything Ellie and Joel could... aside from the killing, anyway.  Joel tried to do most of that himself (when it came to human killing, at least, not game hunting) but Ellie always wanted to help him, and he'd realized long ago how valuable a partner she could be in a fight -- he just wished he could spare her that.  The more killing she did, the more desensitized she would become, the less innocent... until she wouldn't bat an eye at killing a man who hadn't done a thing to them -- in a church, of all places -- just because she felt frustrated and angry and scared.

_"I'm not innocent anymore, Joel,"_ she told him in his head.  He knew she believed that, and that it was partially true... _maybe I just like to pretend it ain't_.

It was mid-morning now, and Joel was lazing around as if it were dawn... just watching Ellie sleep beside him.  He had sent Sophie and Poppy to the river so Sophie could do some laundry.  It made him a little nervous to send her off by herself.  When he'd been searching for Ellie, he hadn't given it much thought, since Ellie had occupied every inch of brain space.  Even now, it wasn't all that different; if his choice was to leave either Sophie or Ellie unprotected, that was a no-brainer, with Ellie in her current state. 

And Ellie probably wouldn't like it, but Joel wasn't sure he would ever be able to let her out of his sight again.

_I sure hope she wakes up soon and gets back to her normal, feisty self_... He wanted her to scold him for being overprotective, and accuse him of not trusting her or having no faith in her.  He wanted her to get pissed off at him when her irritated, frowning (too adorable) face only made him smile.

Anyway, Sophie had gone a bit stir-crazy.  She wanted to be doing something, _anything_ \-- and Joel understood that restless feeling... in theory.  He couldn't remember the last time he'd been quite this lazy himself.  And he was still tired, his sleep interrupted by Ellie's delirious babbling, her tossing and turning... which, although not as reparative as deep sleep, Joel had chosen to take as a good sign -- a sign that her body was fighting to stay alive.  He fretted more when she was still; more than once, he'd checked to make sure she was still breathing.

He'd gotten her to drink a little more, several times.  Sophie had made another decent fire for them (the task was much easier once the winds went to sleep) that warmed them for hours before dying out in the middle of the night, leaving them in near darkness – the ‘near’ thanks to the moonlight hitting the street some fifty feet or so away.  The next time Ellie had woken, it had been difficult for Joel to calm her down... it felt like one of her panic attacks, only she was less coherent, and it wasn't quite that intense... maybe it was more like a prelude to a panic attack, and Joel was able to help her stave off the real thing -- either by switching on his flashlight or by repeatedly telling her she was safe now (he wasn't sure which had been more effective).  He tried to hold her... she wasn't strong enough to push him away, but her squirming and turning away gave him the impression she didn't want to be held, so he let her be.

_What was it like in there, baby girl?_   He wondered about that... but he wasn't sure he'd be able to stand hearing it.  Especially knowing that he was the one who had brought on all her suffering.  He wondered how much she would remember.  If she'd be able to talk about it... maybe it was best if she didn't.  It seemed like Ellie always wanted to talk, about anything and everything, but certain things did actually make her clam the hell up.  He would follow her lead on this one.

At some point during the night, her fever seemed to have finally broken, and that had given him hope.  _She's coming back to me, little by little..._ and the last time she'd woken, she hadn't told him she was dying.  That _had_ to be a good sign.  The perception she seemed to have of her pain had scared the hell out of him -- it was too much like what he had felt when he was dying from an infected wound himself, last winter.  _Thank God for penicillin._   He'd given her another dose earlier, now more grateful than ever that he hadn't used it for her burn a few weeks ago.  Her hand had healed up just fine... _and the rest of her will, too, damnit._

Ellie stirred.  "Joel..."  She was on her back, and she turned her head toward him.

"Hey, kiddo... how you feelin'?"  He leaned over to kiss her temple.

"Is this... real?"

"...yes?"

"Not a dream?"

"Not a dream," he confirmed.  He thought about gathering her in his arms... but settled for lightly stroking her arm. "You feel any better?"

"Is Sophie okay?"

It was the first time she'd asked about her, although she may have seen Sophie hovering near her at various times and assumed nothing was wrong with her.  "She's fine."  He almost asked her a third time how she was feeling, but it was a dumb enough question that she’d probably dismissed it as polite, routine, or even rhetorical.

She coughed a little, and this time she drank a few decent sips of water when he offered it to her.  He held her head up so she could swallow. "Did we make it to the ocean?" she asked him.

That threw him a little.  "Uh... not yet.  We will."  ... _Does she really think we've been traveling this whole time?_

"Okay.  I... didn't die."

"Nope.  I told you I wouldn' let you do that.  You feel any better?"  _Whoops, didn't stop myself that time... what do I expect her to say?  "Yes, Joel, I feel great!"?_ The ocean comment was weird, but she _sounded_ slightly better...

"Um... I guess..." She shifted a little and winced.  "I think I have to pee."

"You do?  That's good -- maybe you ain't as dehydrated as I thought."

She started to sit up and got about halfway before putting her hand on her head. 

"Easy..." Joel sat up with her, putting his arm around her back to help pull her up.

"Ugh... I feel like... weak, or..."

"I'll help you."

"Help me pee?  No way."

Joel chuckled.  "Ellie, c'mon.  After everythin' we've been through?"

"That doesn't mean that I want you to watch me pee."

_She definitely sounds better... she's saying the right words, at least?_ Yesterday, he didn't think she would've cared enough to protest.  "I'll turn my back then.  Sit tight, I'll get your shoes... It'll be jus' like any other time we go close enough to each other to hear.  Except I'll help you pull your pants down.  Don' want you messin' up your bandage."

"Bandage?"

"On your leg.  Do you remember any of that?"

"No... not really.  I don't know what I was dreaming and... what was real."  She was massaging her temples, like she had a headache.

"Head hurt?"

"Not really."

He wished she wouldn't downplay her pain or discomfort, but that seemed to be her automatic response.  He finished tying her shoes, grabbed the pistol that was lying next to them, and scooted up to kiss her on the forehead.  "You must feel pretty shitty still.  Can you stand up with me?"

"Yeah..."

Joel stood up with her slowly.  "You okay?"  She nodded, but she seemed a bit shaky.  He kept his arm around her shoulders, and she leaned into him.  "This is the most awake you've been, since... c'mon, over here..."

She grimaced before they even took a step.

"Maybe we should sit back down," Joel suggested.

"No, I have to _pee_ ," she said through gritted teeth.

"I could carry you, then..."

"No... I'm okay."

"All right, let's jus' get to the dirt over here..."

It was slow-going, even though they went no farther than right around the corner.  At least she let him help her with her pants and panties before shooing him away.  He stood guard while she did her business -- which there couldn't have been much of, since she'd consumed next to nothing in three days.  He didn't hear anything.  After what seemed like a reasonable amount of time, he called to her, but she didn't answer.  He turned around and found her sitting in the dirt, her head in her hands.

"Ellie?"  _Is she crying?_   He rushed over and knelt in front of her.  "What is it?"

She didn't answer right away.  Her hands fell away and she lifted her head a little.  "...what?"

"What's wrong?"  She looked dazed, but it didn't seem like she'd been crying.

"Am I..."

"You came over here to pee.  Did you go?"

"Um... I guess..."

"C'mon, let's stand up."  _Is she sitting in it?_   He helped her stand, then looked at the spot where she'd been sitting.  No wetness in the dirt… or on her legs.  He swatted some dirt off her backside, since it didn't appear she was going to do it herself.  _All right, baby girl, time for you to make some kind of joke or suggestive remark or SOMETHING about me touching your ass..._

She was staring at her feet, where her pants were pooled.  "These aren't mine," she stated, apparently just now realizing she wasn't wearing her grimy jeans.

"Nope, they ain't yours.  Well, the pants, at least.  Underwear's yours.  Your jeans are off gettin' washed."

"So that's where Sophie is?"

"Yep." She made no motion to pull her pants or panties up, so Joel did it for her, carefully guiding them over the bandage.  The pants were too big, so they sagged at her waist, but since they were short pants, the length worked out okay -- she wouldn't be tripping over them.

Joel glanced at the 'backdrop' of rubble behind her.  "This is where we found you, you know.  You were practically right under my nose the whole time an' I didn' even know it."

Ellie turned and surveyed her former prison.  She didn’t voice her thoughts.

"Do you remember goin' in there?"  He put his arm around her, and she put hers around his waist.

"Um... I'm not sure..."  She turned back and started to walk, her steps slow and deliberate... and she was clearly in some pain.

"You don' remember things from before you... got sick?"

"I... guess not?"

"What's the last thing you remember?  From before you went through the tunnel?"

"I was... trying to help you... I _did_ help you, at least a little... I think."

"With the hunters -- you did," he agreed.  "I ran into some bodies that weren't my handiwork.  Figured they were yours."

"Yeah.  I was... um... there were two of them... er... three, at first... and I couldn't reload."  She frowned in concentration, either from trying to remember or trying to walk.  "Or... I shouldn't have.  I should've just ran. ...I was kicking-- I kicked my backpack over, it was on the ground... I was trying to get... one of them hit me... the first-- er... second one... he... I remember someone grabbing me from behind... he was _huge_ , that guy... I bit his arm real hard... kicked him in the balls..."

"I hope you kicked _all_ the fuckers there."  They were dead now, so it didn't make sense to want to go hurt them some more, but the thought of anyone laying hands on her always evoked the desire to make the bastards pay.  It was hard to follow exactly what had happened... maybe because Ellie didn't seem to be recounting it in sequence.  It wasn't important; he wanted to understand, but mainly he wanted to get a sense of how she felt:  was she comfortable talking about it?  Was it therapeutic, or would it upset her?

"Oh... I shot one, before that.  But only in the leg.  He was still able to fight.  I remember... I thought about killing one with the knife... I can't do humans as fast as Clickers, though."  She was speaking quite slowly -- slow on the Ellie meter, at least -- like she was trying to puzzle out what had happened herself.  "And I heard more coming.  The first two... three?... maybe three... I don't know what happened to my gun... I decided to run while those two by me were like... slower... from the leg and the balls... can only do one at a time... once... and there were more coming... I was scared.  First, I... dropped down to the street?  Oh -- there were some inside but... it was the outside ones that... um... I think I ran... like you said..."

"Like I said?" Joel repeated dumbly.  _When would I possibly have--_

"You tell me that.  Sometimes.  Run away if the odds are against you."

"Ah.  Right."  Advice Joel didn't always take himself.  "Good girl.  That's good." _Even if this time it fucked you over, thanks to me..._ Except she was alive.  And maybe she wouldn't be, if she'd tried to knife them... if one had killed her while she was knifing another.

"I lost my... everything -- so I ran... over here, I guess?  I don't remember that part.  Why can't I remember?"

He eased her back down onto the blanket, into a sitting position.  "I don' know.  Maybe it'll come back to you."  It still didn't make a ton of sense to Joel, but at least she didn't seem overly upset -- just frustrated that she couldn't remember.  He hoped that meant that none of them had done anything to her that was... extremely traumatizing.  If all of it had happened from around the time he'd heard that first gun shot and the time he'd thrown the bomb, they wouldn't have had a lot of time... would they have had _enough_ time, though, to... _She's fine.  She most likely has a concussion, which can cause memory loss.  And what she went through in that hole was awful enough on its own for her to block it out of her memory._ If the hunters had been after her, it was probably best that she hadn't run straight down the street -- out in the open -- either giving them a straight shot at her or leading them back to Sophie and the horse.  Maybe the tunnel had seemed like a good place to hide... _and maybe she didn't want to stray too far away from me?_

"So... you must've freaked out when you went back and I wasn't there, huh," Ellie said dully.

"Me?  Nah, I was cool as a cucumber," he teased.  She didn't smile.  He was sitting beside her now, and she leaned against him.  "At first I thought I'd find you in that building somewhere.  Found your backpack... your gun... one of the assholes had it... I was so sure you were in there.  Before that, I saw one of the guys run out, yellin' about a little girl..." 

Joel couldn't bring himself to confess that he'd thrown the bomb down there.  That it was his fault her exit had been blocked.  _She don't need to hear that... at least not yet..._ It wasn't that he thought she wouldn't forgive him for it.  More like... she _would_.  And he hadn't beat himself up enough yet to withstand the exonerating _"but you didn't know I was there"_ and _"you didn't mean to"_ crap she would spew at him.

She sat there quietly.  Very still.  He tucked her hair behind her ears and continued.  "After I killed the rest of 'em, an' you were nowhere around, I thought you must've gone back to Sophie.  That you were waitin' for me."

"I _was_ waiting for you.  Just not there.  I do remember... being in-- I was scared for you.  I thought maybe those guys... maybe one of them killed you.  Or hurt you."

"Now why would I let them do that?" he said lightly.

She wasn't responding to any attempts on his part to add a little levity to their conversation.  "When you didn't come get me, I thought..."

"You should've realized I wasn't dead when you saw me, then.  You kept askin' me if I was."  He almost asked her about her mother, but decided that was best left up to her to bring up; he didn't want to add to her sorrows, if she'd forgotten.

"Did I?  Yeah... I kept seeing you in there.  In my head... you and all these other people... but you never let me get near you.  You said weird things.  It was... really fucked up.  The whole thing was like... a dream.  What I remember of it."  She wriggled a little, like she was trying to get more comfortable.

He shifted his leg and pulled her in front of him, nestling her between his legs so she could lay back against his chest and he could wrap his arms around her snugly, leaning back against the vending machine.  He couldn't see out from this angle, but they were very well-hidden.  "That better?"

"Mmhmm."  Her voice was still... flat.  Lifeless.

He started stroking her hair... her filthy, tangled mass of hair that they'd need to go wash properly as soon as she was up for it.  He and Sophie had sort of... patted it cautiously yesterday, trying to get some of the blood off, but Joel was afraid of agitating an unseen, healing wound if they started tugging on her hair too much.  Whatever had happened to her head, it hadn't gotten infected.  "I'm sorry it took me so long to find you."  Joel gave her a light squeeze; she was limp as a rag doll. 

"It was so... quiet," she said softly.  "I thought... you'd be calling my name, or..."

"I did call for you."  The first day and night, at least.  He'd yelled himself hoarse.  He couldn't remember for sure if he'd called for her anywhere near this spot.  He thought he had, but he may not have thought to do so until he'd climbed up to the second floor, because it seemed obvious she wasn't there on the ground.  Still, it seemed like she would've been close enough to hear him, and for him to hear her, with their voices at shouting volume, so that didn't make sense.  "I looked all over... thought maybe you'd decided to run out on me, but then I remembered that conversation we had where you said you'd never do that."

She didn't laugh.  "Of course I wouldn't.  Never."

"I know, baby girl, I know."  _What do I have to do to make you smile?_

"I was mean to you... wasn't I?  That whole day, right before... this?"

"You were fine."  Maybe she'd been a little cross with him.  It certainly didn't matter now.

"I'm sorry."

"Ellie, it's okay.  Really.  I don' even remember what you're thinkin' of."

"I'm sorry," she repeated.  "You must've been so... upset, when you couldn't find me.  How long was I in there?  Like... a week?"

"No!  Two or three days, I think."

"I guess... maybe it _felt_ like a week.  I think I started dying in there.  I still--" She scooched up a little and nuzzled his neck... and swallowed the rest of that thought.  "I remember... I wished you were in there with me.  So I wouldn't be alone... at the end.  Pretty selfish, huh?"

He caressed the side of her face, tracing a small bruise with his fingertips.  "Pretty human, more like."  He certainly couldn't handle Ellie dying in his arms.  Feeling the life seep out of her body.  He knew what that felt like... and he couldn't ever feel it again -- not with the person he loved more than anyone in the world.  But if he couldn't save her, how could he _not_ hold her and comfort her when she died?  _Talk about selfish._

Ellie slid back down a little.  "How did you get me out?"

"You have no idea?  You don' remember?  ...I guess you wouldn't... you were passed out.  If you'd been awake, it would've been a hell of a lot easier.  I'll tell you about it when Sophie gets back.  Couldn't've done it without her."

"Oh.  So you guys..." Her voice trailed off.

"Hmm?"

"Nothing.  Can I have some more water?"

Joel nudged the canteen with his foot until he could pick it up with minimal Ellie-squishing.  "Here you go, kiddo.  Drink up."

She sat more upright while she drank, and Joel rubbed her shoulders. "You hungry?"

"Not really... can you scratch my head?  It's really itchy."

" 'Course it's itchy... it's filthy as hell."  Joel started massaging her scalp as if he was shampooing her hair -- which he wished he was.  Maybe he could get Sophie to go make some more clean water so he could use up their supply and wash Ellie's hair for real.  "I don' remember ever seein' your hair so dirty.  You oughta wash it once in a while," he teased.

No snappy comeback, no giggling... nothing.

_Well, she's just been through hell_ , Joel reminded himself.  But... so had he.  _It's different.  Just be glad she's not delirious for the first time since you found her, asshole._

After she'd apparently had enough head-scratching, she leaned back against him, and he wrapped his arms around her again.  "Listen... there's somethin' I wanted to tell you before Sophie gets back.  In case she mentions it.  I hope you don' get mad at me for it."

"For what?"

"I told her somethin'... I told her the truth, about--"

"About us?  Really?"  She craned her neck to look at him.

"No.  About you.  Your bite."

"Oh."  She laid her head back again, clearly disappointed in the choice of secret he had told.

Joel realized he was _glad_ she was disappointed... glad that she still wanted Sophie to know.  ... _As if that might've changed?_   "We were cleanin' you up, an' I knew she was gonna see it, so... I told her.  Not about all the Firefly shit... she don' need to know all that.  She was great about it.  No freakin' out.  Promised not to tell a soul."  _After I threatened the recipients of this information, anyway.._. "She understands why it has to be a secret.  I would've consulted with you first, but you were a bit... incapacitated."

"It's okay.  So we can tell people now."

"No, we can't.  The less people who know, the better.  If you wanna tell someone, you still ask me first, an' you better have a good reason."  He realized he had no right to dictate who she could and couldn't share her own secret with... but he felt so strongly about this one that he really wanted her to believe his rule was law in this case.

"Well, you told one person without asking me, so I should get to do the same.  It's only fair."

He had to smile at the familiar Ellie logic.  "Fair ain't got nothin' to do with it.  I know you wanna tell Annie--"

"She _is_ my best friend."

"--but Annie might tell her mom, or her brother, an' one of them might decide to tell _just one_ person, an' before you know it, everyone knows."

"Well, Sophie might tell her brother, when we find him," she countered.  "You're cool with that?"

"She ain't gonna tell anyone."

"Neither would Annie," she insisted.

"I wouldn't've even told Tommy -- I had no choice.  Or... _thought_ I had no choice."  Back when he'd tried to foist Ellie off on his brother to complete her journey to the Fireflies.  "I'm sorry... I prob'ly should've come up with some reason to tell Sophie to take a hike, instead of tellin' her.  I wasn't really thinkin'... real clear.  But we can trust her.  She loves you."

"So does Annie.  But... whatever, Joel.  Really.  I don't care.  I'm glad she knows.  It'll make bathtime easier."

"All right then.  So we're good?"

"We're good.  Can I take a nap now?"

"You're tired already?  ...right... of course you are.  You ain't feelin' good, an' the sleep you've been gettin' has been shitty.  A good sleep is prob'ly the best thing for you right now."  _No need to worry_ , he tried to reassure himself.  "Here, why don't you lay down all the way..."

"No... like this... if that's okay... at least until I fall asleep?"

_So she DOES want me!_   Joel was more thrilled than he probably should've been that the need to be close was finally reciprocated, and not just Ellie allowing him to pose her however it suited him.  _...Or maybe I'm just more comfortable for her than the ground is?  That ain't saying much._  "Of course it's okay.  Good night, baby girl," he said as he tugged the two blankets up over her.

"It's not nighttime," she mumbled.

"Good mornin', then... beautiful."

"Sing it to me?  Please?"

Another good sign!  _"~Good mornin,' beautiful, how was your night~"_ he crooned to her.  _"~Mine was wonderful with you by my side~"_

She was asleep before he finished the last verse.

 

**Day 45**

 

"Well?  What do you think?"

"Still nasty... but in a good way," Joel replied as he cleansed Ellie's leg wound.

Ellie frowned.  "What does that even mean?"

"Like all the pus an' gunk means it's healin'."  They only had one dose of penicillin left, and Joel hoped like hell that it was enough.  "Still feels hot, though... an' it still hurts you."

"Not that bad."

It was a lie, but not one he would call her on.  He patted it dry with a fresh rag and applied a new bandage.

Ellie glanced over his shoulder... at Sophie, he would guess.  She was bathing (or maybe just swimming) in the river, buck naked.  Joel wasn't allowed to look in that direction, _just in case_ \-- Ellie's decree, not Sophie's, naturally.  "Do you think Sophie wonders why you didn't get _her_ to do my leg?" she asked him.  "Or let me do it myself, even?  Not like I can't reach it or something."

"No.  She knows I'd rather do it myself.  Where did your pants go..."

"I'll get them!  Don't look!"  She slid off the rock she'd been sitting on to retrieve them -- from a rock in the 'forbidden' direction.

"Ellie, if she's completely in the water--"

"Still!"  He could hear her pulling on her jeans -- her own, now that they were clean (and finally dry).  Joel wanted to find her another pair since these were ripped so bad, but for now, at least there wouldn't be fabric rubbing on her wound when he felt they could quit the bandages... or they could try patching them instead if it was the better option, given whatever they had to work with.  Presently, Ellie felt the need to tell him yet again, "You can't look over there.  Something might... pop up, or whatever..."

"Pop up?"  Joel chuckled a little.  He was tempted to glance back there anyway, just to irritate Ellie -- and also because he felt a little uneasy not being able to keep a watchful eye on that area.  But he didn't; Ellie claimed she would keep watch in that direction, and Joel suspected those hunters had done a pretty good job of protecting their turf from foreigners.  Someone could always come passing through, of course, but he wasn't overly concerned.  He just didn't like being blind in one direction -- even with Ellie watching; she was still showing effects from the head injury.  She still couldn't remember everything, and had listened wide-eyed when he and Sophie explained how they'd rescued her; she couldn't believe she'd stayed unconscious through all of that (Joel skipped over the part where he cried, and Sophie graciously didn't go there). 

"What if she thinks you're a perv for touching my leg way up high like that?" asked Ellie.  "Your hand was practically in my crotch."

"No it wasn't," Joel protested, laughing.  Again, by words alone, she sounded like herself... _it's her tone... she's still too serious -- I don't get it._   "An' that's ridiculous -- she knows how I feel about you."

"Does she?  I don't think so."  Ellie started to return to her seat on the big rock, and Joel hoisted her up before she could even attempt to hop up there backwards -- barely off the ground, but still.  "Unless you don't love me anymore."

"What?  Ellie--"

"I mean love me like... you know.  She doesn't know _that_.  Can you do my feet?"  That bending motion apparently still bothered her enough to let Joel help with her socks and shoes.

_What a difference a day makes_ , Joel thought.  Ellie was still lethargic, still in pain, still more humorless than was typical, still not totally out of the woods yet... but her verve did seem to be coming back.  He kissed her big toe before sliding a sock over it.  "I was thinkin' about that, actually," he said, glancing up at her.

"Thinking... what, exactly?  Cuz you just told me you loved me this morning, you know."

_...huh?_   "What are you talkin' about?"  He worked a sock onto her other foot.

"It can't change that fast.  You don't love someone in the morning and then not love them by evening."

"But... nothin's changed, so...?"  He picked up one of her shoes off the ground.

"Okay, good.  I think... the way it prob'ly happens is you don't say it for a while... you stop feeling it, maybe, or if you do say it, you don't really mean it, you're just like... used to saying it.  Not _you_ -you -- like, people in general.  Then the person shouldn't be surprised to find out the other person doesn't love them anymore, cuz it was sort of a gradual thing... except sometimes they still are... surprised, I mean... maybe they're stupid.  Or they just don't wanna believe it.  Whatever.  Anyways... the I-love-you stuff is fine, but we haven't, um... it's been a while since we..."

Joel stood up and pulled her close; he didn't mean to pull her off the rock, but it was either that or lean over her.  "Where's this comin' from?  Some movie?  That's all fictional." _But... are you trying to tell me something about YOUR feelings changing, baby girl?_   She did that, sometimes... she would say things and expect him to read between the lines.  He kissed the top of her head -- and her hair was nice and clean now, so he didn't even get a mouthful of dirt.

"Okay, so what are _you_ talking about?"  She put her arms around him and buried her face in his shirt.

He could ponder those words between the lines later.  "I was thinkin'... maybe we should tell her."

She looked up at him, surprised.  "Tell her... about us?"

"Yeah.  She can be our guinea pig."

And now she looked confused.  "You... want to make her our pet or something?"

Joel chuckled.  "It's just an expression.  Like a... a test subject.  We can see how she reacts, an' use it to gauge other people's reactions, maybe."

"We already know other people's reactions," Ellie grumbled.  "They say nasty things and throw rocks through our window."

_She doesn't seem very excited..._ "No, see... they didn' know the truth.  They thought you were my little sex slave or somethin'.  This--"

"I would be, if you'd let me," Ellie cut in.

_...Is that a grin I see?_   "Not funny."  He hoisted her back onto the rock.  There wasn't enough room on it for both of them, even if Joel had been allowed to turn in that direction, so he remained in front of her.  "But it _is_ good to see you smile again."  _And to hear you make smartass Ellie-like remarks._

"It's a _little_ funny.  Would it be funnier if you were _my_ sex slave?"

"Yes.  Closer to the truth, too."  It was awkward standing in front of her without being able to lean in close, so he shifted over to the one side he was 'allowed' on -- where his back would be to Sophie.  He leaned over and kissed her neck.  Even if Sophie were to glance their way, it wouldn't look like... _well, okay, it MIGHT look like I'm kissing her neck... but soon that won't matter._ He settled himself against the rock, leaning over slightly as he rested one hand behind Ellie.  "She knows how... important you are, to me.  She might already suspect somethin's up.  Or she might think it's just a father-daughter thing.  I don' know."

"A father-daughter thing where we sleep in the same bed.  Totally normal.  Yep."

Joel chuckled.  "It sort of _is_ a father thing, though.  I don' do it for... perverse reasons.  It's for peace of mind.  First yours... now mine."  Although the idea of him sleeping in Ellie's bed 'for her' in the beginning was a crock; it had always been just as much for him.

"So... you wanna tell her when she comes back here?"

"...You do want to tell her, then."  He'd figured she'd be okay with the idea... but joking about it -- or saying she wanted to do it when she knew he'd shoot down the idea -- was different from actually doing it.

"Hell _yeah_ I want to tell her.  Should we just start making out until she figures it out?"

Joel snorted.  "No.  I want us to _tell_ her."

"That would tell her, no doubt."

"I mean with words.  Respectfully."

"Respectfully," she repeated thoughtfully.  "So I can't just say something like... we wanna fuck each other's brains out?"

He tried not to smirk when he gave her a Look.  "That ain't even true."

"It is for me!" she cried, wounded.

"But... never mind, we've been over all that."  He felt absurdly relieved to hear her bring it up again, though!  Maybe she _wasn't_ trying to tell him something before that he didn't want to hear.  _Or maybe it's just habit... pretty sure she ain't feeling well enough right now to ~fuck my brains out~..._ He hadn't even given her so much as a peck on the lips since she'd returned to the land of the lucid.  He wasn't sure why, but it just felt like... that might not be welcome.  And she hadn't kissed him at all, anywhere.  _Might just be from feeling shitty.  It ain't important right now._   "We'll jus'... tell her plain.  If she don' like it... might make things awkward, but I don' think she'll kick us to the curb."

"What curb?  We're in the country now.  I won't let her think you're a perv, don't worry.  Like, I won't shut up about all the ways you're _not_ , if that's what she thinks.  Oh!  She's drying off now!"  Ellie leaned forward a little to look past Joel.  Because it was okay for _her_ to see Sophie naked.  "So what do we say?  Should we rehearse real quick?" she asked, biting her lip.

_She seems a little anxious..._ "Nah.  I'll jus' say what comes natural.  I'll tell her."

"Cuz of the comment about fucking?  I won't say it like that, I swear.  I'm better at talking than you are, so I should be the one to tell her."

He chuckled.  "Jus' 'cause you do a lot more of it than me don' make you better at it."  Joel just felt like it should come from him, as the adult.

"You've _told_ me I'm better at it!  But, whatever... okay.  You can tell her.  Are you nervous?"

"Not especially."  He kissed her temple.  " _You_ seem to be, though.  Why?  Cold feet?"

"My feet aren't-- oh, wait, I know that one.  Another dumb expression.  Um... a little.  I don't want her to hate you."  She snorted.  "Which is funny cuz a couple months ago I would've _loved_ it if she hated you.  When it seemed like she wanted to steal you from me."

"Funny how things work out, ain't it?  I don' think she'll hate me... she could be creeped out, maybe..."

"Which would be stupid because she knows how awesome you are."  Ellie looked past Joel again.  " _Sophie!_   Hurry up and get your ass over here already!"

Sophie came trotting over, now fully clothed.  "What?  What is it?  Something wrong?"

"Nope!  Nothing wrong at all," Ellie assured her.  "We just have something to tell you.  You might wanna sit down.  At least, I've heard that's what you should do when... at times like this.  Like you might faint or something, I guess?"

"Sounds serious."  Sophie looked questioningly from Ellie to Joel.

"It's not!" said Ellie.  "I mean, it _is_..."

"Maybe we should all sit down," said Joel, motioning for Sophie to sit by the rock before helping Ellie slide off of it.

"You guys wanna go home," Sophie guessed.  She didn't sit down.

"No!  _Hell_ no," said Ellie as she sat and leaned back against the rock.

"You want to stay here, then.  You like Sacramento."

"No, that ain't it either, believe me," Joel answered that one.  He wanted nothing more than to get out of this hellish city, actually, but Ellie needed at least another few days to heal.  Moving their camp backwards to the river had been as much about getting away from the bad memories as it had been about the convenience.  And the convenience had been the proximity to water; they didn't have a building to sleep in or hide out in down here.  There was a lone house on the other side, but crossing the rickety, partially-collapsed bridge just once had been one time too many for Joel.  "Will you sit down already?" Joel said to Sophie as he sat down beside Ellie.

"The suspense is killing me!  What is it?!"  Sophie finally plopped down on Ellie's other side.

Ellie glanced at Joel, and Joel cleared his throat.  Tried to meet the gaze of a very expectant Sophie.  "Well.  Uh... I wanted to-- _we_ , wanted to... tell you that... there's somethin' you don' know, about, uh..."

"Jesus, Joel -- you suck at this," Ellie sighed in mock (or maybe _not_ so mock) exasperation.  "Allow me.  Sophie--"

"No!  No, I can say it."  He cleared his throat again.  "Remember how, back in Jackson, there were rumors about--"

"You're gonna lead with _that?"_ Ellie interrupted him.  "Way to creep her out."

"I was jus' gonna say that... they weren't true."

"I know that," said Sophie, slowly.  She was looking alternately at each of them, watching their expressions.

"Right.  What you _don't_ know, is..." _...I really AM a child toucher.  I HAVE done sexual things with Ellie.  Although I won't let her blow me, and technically-speaking, she's still a virgin._

"Yeeessssss?" Sophie prodded.

Ellie held her tongue this time, but she was looking at him impatiently.  "Well," he continued, "you know that... Ellie'n'me... we have a... _unique_ , uh... relationship."

"I do know that."  Sophie nodded.  "You guys have an amazing relationship."

"I think so, too," Ellie chimed in.

Joel wondered what had possessed him to confess this without first practicing the confession, as Ellie had suggested.  So much for 'natural.'  "It's jus' that... the rumors?  They ain't exactly--"

"No!" cried Ellie.  "You can't explain it like that.  The rumors are _fucking bullshit_ and I still want to kick the lying ass of the fuckwit who started them.  Joel is the kindest... gentlest... _sweetest_ \--"

"That's enough of that, now," Joel cut her off.  At least Sophie looked somewhat amused.  "Forget the rumors.  The thing is... see, Ellie'n'me..."

"I think I can fill in the blanks here," Sophie said dryly.  "There's... something going on between you guys."

"Yes!" Ellie exclaimed.  " _Thank you_ for putting him out of his misery.  I was _trying_ to, but he wanted--"

Joel shushed her.  "Ellie, stop.  That still... uh... it don' really cover it."  He couldn't get a good read on Sophie's expression, except to note that it wasn't utter disgust.  Somehow she seemed surprised and not-surprised at the same time.  "It ain't a... a sexual thing."

Ellie jumped in again.  "Well, it _is_..."

"No."  Joel felt compelled to make that clear.  _Except... how can I make something so blurry become clear?_  After all the fooling around they'd done, he was no saint for not _yet_ having intercourse with a young girl... no need to paint himself as one.  But sex wasn't the driving force behind his decision to become romantic with Ellie.  "I mean... not in the sense that... We haven't..."

"But we're-- " Ellie started to add.  "Um, yeah, we haven't exactly... yet."

Sophie held her hand up in the 'stop' gesture.  "Okay, look.  Whatever you guys do or don't do, it's none of my business.  That's between you two.  You don't have to tell me anything else.  I get it.  I'm just going to, um... check on Poppy.  Yeah..."  She scrambled to her feet.

"Sophie, wait!" cried Ellie.  "We have to explain!"

"You really don't," she replied tersely, already heading toward the place they'd picketed the horse.

Ellie looked bewildered.  Joel stood up.  "Stay here.  I'll talk to her."

"Because you did such a good job of it just now?" Ellie sneered, and she started to stand up.

"Please, Ellie, don' get up."  He put his hand on her shoulder to keep her on the ground.  "I'll bring her back over here to talk to you some more, all right?  Sit tight."

"But--"

"You're still-- jus' relax.  Think of what you wanna say to her when we come back, yeah?  Jus' gimme a minute."  He waited another moment to be sure she wouldn't follow him.  _Sorry, baby girl, but this will be easier alone..._

Sophie hadn't picked up the stake, at least; the horse was neighing happily as she patted her nose.  Sophie watched Joel approach.  "It's okay, Joel.  Your business, not mine," she said coolly.

Joel still didn't know quite what to say to her.  "You didn' seem real shocked to hear it..."

"Um... I am, but I'm not.  You know?  I'm an idiot for--"

"No you ain't.  We were hidin' it."

"Well, I feel dumb anyway.  Obviously you guys... your relationship is unique, like you said.  Hard not to notice how affectionate you are with each other.  I just didn't think you would..."

_I was affectionate with Sarah, too_ , he wanted to say, hating how defensive he felt.  But he certainly didn't want to bring up Sarah right now -- he hadn't told Sophie about her, and to do so now would either creep her out more or come across like a sympathy ploy.  And, to be fair, he _was_ actually more affectionate with Ellie than he'd been with Sarah. 

He shifted a few steps so he could watch Ellie out of the corner of his eye.  "I didn't... _want_ to have these feelings for Ellie.  I fought 'em, for a long time.  Actually, not all that long," he amended.  "It ain't like... I ain't attracted to teenage girls, as a whole, if that's what you're thinkin'."

Sophie stopped petting the horse and turned her full attention to Joel.  "I wasn't thinking that.  I don't know what I'm thinking yet, really, but... not that.  I've seen the way you are with Ellie.  How you were when she was missing... and when you thought she was going to die.  I know you love her.  A lot."

He was grateful he didn't have to convince her of that much, at least.  "I would never do anythin' to hurt her," Joel added to that.

"Of course not!  Jeez, Joel, you... I've never _seen_ anyone love another person like that.  Of course you wouldn't."

_Yeah, I'm a real stand-up guy, all right._   "What I mean to say is... I never meant to take advantage of her.  Of..." It wasn't fair to reduce her feelings to a mere crush.  " ...the way she feels about me.  It ain't jus' some silly crush.  I would never..." _...except you already HAVE_ , part of his brain whispered to him.

And Sophie realized it, too.  "Joel, really.  You don't have to explain yourself."

"I do, though," he insisted.  Kind of funny how he felt that way, after constantly telling Ellie they didn't have to explain themselves to anyone.  "If you think it's fucked up... all right, well, I reckon you ain't wrong.  I justify it to myself... in all sorts of ways.  But it's still... it is what it is.  A dirty old man and a fifteen-year-old girl."

"You're not dirty _or_ old," Sophie said kindly.  "And... I can see that it... bothers you."

"If Ellie wants to be with someone her own age, I won't stand in her way."  Those words rolled off his tongue real easy when he didn't believe for one second that Ellie would want any such thing.  Truth be told, he would have a hard time letting another guy near Ellie, and it wasn't a jealousy thing.  At least, not _just_ a jealousy thing...

"I don't think she'll want that."

"No?"  So Sophie wasn't going to try to give him some lecture about the fleeting crushes of fickle teenage girls or some shit.  That was something.

"She loves you.  That's obvious.  I might've thought it was just a crush, back home..." She smirked a little as something dawned on her.  "No wonder she was acting that way, that day in my house... hiding under my bed like a stalker?  She was acting like a jealous girlfriend because that's exactly what she _was_.  I thought she was more like... a kid who didn't wanna see her dad start dating a woman and then ignore her or something."

"Yeah, we were... together, then."  Joel looked in Ellie's direction; she was watching them intently, but also respecting Joel's wish for her to stay put.  "I let the whole town think she had some stupid crush on me.  But she understood.  She knew that... that it couldn' be the other way around."

"That it's fine for her to have a crush, but... not you.  Yeah, I get that, too.  So... why are you telling me this now?"

"Not sure.  Jus' felt like the right thing to do."  _And I'm tired of having to hide it all day every day?  Because I'm a selfish prick?_ And there was something more to it... something to do with the troubling thoughts he'd been having recently about his relationship with Ellie.  The new doubts.  Like telling someone outside of themselves somehow made it more... _real._

"Is it because you told me about her... infection thing?  You wanted to come clean about everything after that?  No more secrets?"

"No... I don' know.  Look, no one else knows about this one.  I wasn' sure how I should handle tellin' people... it was easier to keep it quiet.  My brother had his suspicions... I've had to talk him down a few times.  Lie to him.  He would flip his shit if he knew.  Of that, I'm certain."

"I'm not so sure about that.  He's a nice guy.  He'd understand--"

"He's also got a lot more morals than I do," Joel pointed out.  There was something else he needed to make clear... and it was easier if Ellie wasn't around.  He kept looking at Ellie while he spoke.  "As far as morals go... I know it's wrong.  Not jus' 'cause it's the law... or, _was_... I understand the reasons behind the law.  The differences in maturity, in life experience.  The whole... corruption of innocence thing... how it's exploitation even if it's consensual.  I get all that.  An' there are times when... when that shit bothers me.  But other times... _most_ of the time... it don' matter at all.  Because I know that I only want what's best for her.  If this was happenin'... in 2010 or somethin'... I'd think no way in hell can this work.  No way would I even _try_ to make it work.  An' Ellie... if she did have a crush on me... she'd get over it.  Go to college, meet all kinds of new people, find someone else she connects with.  A younger person who can give her... _young person_ things, like..."  Joel wasn't even sure what he meant by that, but he didn't care to expand on it.  "Anyway, it ain't 2010.  It's 2034, an' there ain't a whole bunch of us left to pick an' choose from.  It would be pretty goddamn stupid to throw somethin' away that's... It's a rare thing, what we have.  I could go an' break Ellie's heart... I _did_ , at first... an' what good would it do her if she jus' went on alone?"  Not that Joel fully believed that would happen; he could imagine Ellie -- an _older_ Ellie -- attracting plenty of interest from men, most (if not all) of whom wouldn't deserve her.  She was too damn lovable.  She wouldn't have to be alone, if she didn't want to be.  _But goddamnit, she wouldn't love anyone the way she loves me._ That was just the Ellie in his head talking, but his ego really wanted to believe it."She never had much love in her life... maybe that's why she got so attached to me.  I don' know.  All I know is... I can give her that."  On that much, at least, Joel could speak more confidently.  "I can give her that, an' I know I would never purposely do anythin' to hurt her... an' that no one else could possibly... care, as much."

Sophie just quietly absorbed all that -- more words than he'd probably spoken to her in the entirety of the trip, aside from giving orders -- and it occurred to him that maybe he should get some input from her before continuing.  She stayed quiet, though.  He finally looked at her.  "Say somethin'," he prodded.

She hesitated to answer.  "I... don't know what to say.  Truly.  I feel... honored, that you wanted to share this with me."

"Honored?"  That was a word he hadn't expected to hear about all this.

"Yeah.  And... I did _kind of_ already know... just a feeling I got sometimes, looking at you guys.  The way you'd look at each other, or something one of you would say..."

"Ellie's not as good at lyin' as me," Joel acknowledged.

"Well, from you, too."  She chuckled.  "I chalked it up to a fatherly sort of love, except with... I dunno.  An undercurrent of... obsession?"

"That's fair, I s'pose."  Tommy alternated between teasing him and being concerned about his Ellie obsession.  If Sophie wanted to call it that, too... "I can go to extremes sometimes, with her.  I'm... a bit fucked up, you might say."

"Oh honey -- who _isn't_ fucked up?" Sophie scoffed.

"You, for one."

"What?  Really?"

"Sure.  What's wrong with you?"

"I'm, um... neurotic... impulsive... a chickensh--"

"Oh no you ain't.  If you were, you wouldn't've gone into that hole so quick."

"That was different.  Isolated incidents aside, I'm a coward... um... I get a little too into my romance novels and try to make real life live up to them -- and I _always_ go for the wrong guy..."

"Or... they get killed," Joel ventured.  That was enough to fuck a person up, right there.

"Yeah... we weren't like you and Ellie, though.  Nick maybe wasn't the greatest for me, either... things weren't... bah -- I'm being disrespectful.  He's _dead_.  Really, though... being apart from my brother is worse.  It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.  We've always been close.  Our whole lives.  Well, okay, losing our parents... first Mom, then finding out about Daddy... that was rough, too.  Maybe that was the hardest thing.  But that time was so... the whole _world_ was falling apart... Alex was always my rock, you know?"

Joel nodded.  "An' then he left.  I'm sorry."

"Thanks.  Sorry... not trying to make this about me.  You just... asked.  Heh."

"I did, yes."  Joel noticed that her body language said she wasn't repulsed by him; apparently she wasn't suddenly thinking _oh my God get away from me you filthy pedophile!_   "You know, Ellie wanted to talk to you about this, too.  Can you come back an' sit with her?  Would you mind?"

"You bet."

Ellie seemed relieved when they came back, although she wore an irritated _what the fuck took you so long?!_ expression.  He dropped a kiss on top of her head before planting himself next to her, and Sophie returned to Ellie's other side.  "Sophie's okay with... things.  If you wanna talk to her alone, you can.  It's only fair."  And on this subject, he was perfectly willing to be _fair._

"It's okay.  You can stay."  Ellie turned to Sophie.  "And I don't wanna, like... throw this in your face or anything."

"What, you and Joel?  Like I was telling Joel... I kind of already knew.  I just didn't know what it _was_ , exactly, that I knew."

"But, didn't you... I mean... you sort of had a... _thing_ for Joel, right?"

"Ellie--" Joel said warningly.

"No worries," Sophie laughed.  "She can say it."

"Well, you can be glad now," said Ellie, "cuz now you know it's not you.  I mean, that it's not your fault that Joel didn't like you back."

Joel chuckled.  "She knows that."  At least, he thought she did.  Sometimes the chemistry just wasn't there; it didn't have to be anyone's _fault_.  Although, that could've just been his male brain's logic... females did tend to get wacky ideas about perfectly simple things, sometimes...

"Yeah, well, thanks for that, Ellie.  I, um... was interested, before, sure.  As you know.  I thought maybe... But it's obvious where his heart is.  It's been obvious for many a moon.  I remember thinking... no woman is gonna wanna put up with that.  To play second fiddle.  Like, how could anyone compete with... _that?"_

"Aww!  You really thought that?"  Ellie was pleased as punch.  Joel had had similar thoughts himself, back when he was trying to dissuade Tommy from setting him up with Esther -- he thought that he'd be a lousy mate when all he wanted was... well, at the time, to be Ellie's dad.  _Before_ the romance aspect applied.  It was interesting -- and validating -- to have his suspicions about his inadequacy as a partner due to his devotion to Ellie confirmed from a female perspective.

"Yeah, I did," said Sophie.  "But... I was wrong, about something."

"Huh?  What were you wrong about?" Ellie asked.

"Well... I thought, okay -- I need to get from Point A to Point B, and not only that, I have to actually _find_ Alex.  I can't do it by myself.  Who's the best person to do that?  Joel... which means Ellie... 'cause Joel and Ellie go together.  You know, your names even go together.  Ever notice that?  Joel... Ellie... Jo-ellie..."

"Hey, yeah... Joellie!  Our _names_ even fit together, Joel.  It's total fate."

Joel snorted.  That was such... high school girl shit, like doodling hearts and names in spiral-bound notebooks… _well, no harm in it, and she IS a teenage girl_.  For all the guilt he felt over Ellie’s age, he never truly wished her older – odd as that was.  He squeezed her hand.

“Anyway,” Sophie continued, “I thought it might be… awkward, sometimes… but hey, so what, I’m just like… hiring someone for a job.  Except you don’t get paid… we’ve already talked about that – _anyway_ – so, I figured… yeah.  Dude’s all wrapped up in this girl… girl hates me…”

“I never hated you!” Ellie protested.  Joel was slightly tempted to call her out on the lie, but he reckoned it was better for everyone if he didn’t.

Sophie didn’t look like she fully believed it, either.  “Okay… hate’s a strong word.  Just… not a Sophie fan, then.  I never expected… you guys have been, just… _awesome_.  I mean it.  And… okay, I’m the outsider – obviously.  Knew that from the get-go.  But you didn’t make me feel like… like you wished I wasn’t around, or… honestly, you’ve just been amazing.  I think of you both as good friends of mine.”

“BFFNs?” Ellie added.

Sophie smiled.  “Without the N.”

“Aww.  Thanks, Soph!” Ellie leaned over, which must have hurt some, and put her arms around Sophie’s neck.

“You bet, girl.”  Sophie hugged her back, smiling at Joel over Ellie’s shoulder.

Joel just looked at them both with satisfaction.  _We did it.  We told someone, and she took it well, and now…_ Joel felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.  A weight that he’d been bearing so long that he’d stopped noticing it, until it was gone.  _We’re FREE!_

 

**Day 51**

 

They hit the road again a little sooner than he'd expected, just with more frequent breaks than before -- and with Joel sticking closer to Ellie.  _"I'm not going to just pass out and slide off the horse, Joel,"_ she would scoff at him.  But he didn't want her to overdo it, and since she was like a goddamn animal about hiding her pain most of the time, he had to use his best judgment. 

At some point when they were alone, he had asked her about the singing, and she said she didn't remember any of it.  Joel couldn't resist teasing her a little:

_"That's how we found you, you know.  We heard you singin'.  You don't remember that?"_

_"No."_

_"Yep.  You were singin' 'I Want Your Sex.'  Which surprised me, considerin'--"_

_"Shut up!  I was not!"_

_"You jus' said you don't remember.  How do you know?"_

_"Cuz I wouldn't be singing that, that's how!"_

_"...You sound a little uncertain of that."_

_"No, I'm certain you're a fucking liar who's just fucking with me!"_

_"Aww, don' be like that.  I love you..."_

He thought she had been at least mildly amused, but she hadn't laughed... and she had withdrawn after that.  She was quiet for so long that he almost asked her if she was mad at him (before reminding himself that it wasn't ~all about him~).  He wasn't used to this new, muted version of Ellie... _all she really needs is time_ , he would tell himself.  Often.

Joel could tell when they were getting close to the coast by the change in the air.  It was still chilly when the wind blew, but the crispness was gone; Sacramento had been a bit humid as well, sure, but San Francisco felt more so.  Or maybe it was the fog that made him feel that way.  It rolled in come morning, sometimes lingering into the afternoon.  Ellie thought it was creepy.  She said she was excited about seeing the ocean, and Joel hoped it would restore some of the childlike wonder he'd missed seeing in her lately.  She _said_ she was excited... Joel hadn't seen her show real excitement about anything in a long time.  Not like she used to.

They'd seen a train -- a real, running, smoke-spouting coal train, which he knew she'd never seen before.  They had watched it from afar, just to be on the safe side... he and Sophie were impressed.  Ellie, not so much.  He encouraged her to sneak in for a closer look, without the horse... she passed on that.  Said it was cool, with no more enthusiasm than she might muster over a bowl of oatmeal. 

They'd also spent a night in a minor league baseball stadium -- which, granted, wasn't anything special to Ellie since she didn't harbor Joel's long lost love of sports, but still, it was unusual... they may as well have been in another crummy old house, for all she cared.

Passing through some fairgrounds, he and Sophie could reminisce about carnival games and roller coasters... they tried to bring it to life for Ellie, who had never been on any of those sorts of rides -- Joel knew this from a conversation they'd had back in Jackson.  As it so often did, thinking about all the things Ellie had missed out on by virtue of being born in 2019 -- things he knew she would _love_ \-- made Joel sad for her.  She listened without really hearing them (he could tell when she was engaged and when she was spaced out)... until they passed a merry-go-round.  She'd looked at it so wistfully that Joel asked if she wanted to 'ride' one of the horses -- and instead, her face had gone stony, and she insisted they leave there _right now_.

The night they'd stayed in a mansion, he thought surely she would be gawking at the cavernous rooms, the number of bedrooms, the obscenely large baths... he waited for her to pretend to be some rich person with servants.  She used to play little games like that.  Not just in posh places, either -- she'd done it out on the road, too.  She had a way of making even the dullest things look a little brighter.  But everything about her now was more... subdued.  More somber.  She still made snarky remarks, still joked around at times... she just... didn't _play_.  Didn't giggle -- just like before they'd settled in Jackson last spring.  He'd had to earn those giggles she eventually gave him, and now he missed them something fierce.  She just plain wasn't showing her silly side these days.  Joel wondered if it was gone for good.

Maybe he shouldn't expect the ocean to work any miracles on her, either.

Sophie begged to quit traveling along the freeways and just let the ocean guide them the rest of the way south.  Joel was amenable to it, and Ellie didn't much care what they did.  They didn't need a map -- or the Pacific Coast Highway -- to lead them south; even Sophie couldn't get lost with the ocean right there.  Since it was Sophie's trip, he let her make the call... so, off to the nearest beach it was.

Ellie was feeling much better by now, at least.  Joel could tell by her movements that she wasn't just faking it, either.  Her physical wounds were healing decently -- which was a good thing, because he'd used up all the penicillin, and they weren’t likely to stumble upon more.  She hadn't put her ordeal completely behind her, however.  It saddened Joel that her panic attacks had all but stopped, before, and now they were back, occurring more frequently.  Especially at night.  She was like a child who's afraid of the unknown terrors lurking in the dark. 

Being out in the open by the river hadn't helped the way Joel had thought it would.  He tried to get her to talk about those two days, thinking that might help chase the demons away -- Ellie had always sorted things out better through talking -- but apparently, she'd said all she wanted to say on the subject.  She did seem a little frustrated that she couldn't remember things, but Joel also believed she remembered more than she let on -- because if she couldn't remember any thoughts and feelings from the time she was trapped, why was her demeanor affected so much?

She was having nightmares again, too.  Joel learned -- or re-learned -- the signs... when she was just sleeping a bit restlessly versus when she was having an actual nightmare.  He tried to catch it and wake her up before it could get really bad, and then he would soothe her back to sleep.  And she wasn't the only one having nightmares; Joel was having them more than usual now, too.  He would dream about looking for Ellie, or chasing Ellie... never quite being able to get to her.  Not like his mind was recreating the search itself, but every dream would devolve into some variation of that theme by the end, and it was pure torture.  Once, his nightmare had woken up Ellie -- and Ellie mimicked what Joel did for her:  she held him, stroked his hair, and cooed to him that he was okay... that he was safe.  He thought that was cute as hell (and it certainly did soothe him back to sleep).

Sometimes she was moody... she would get unusually quiet, like she had on their first trip.  That tended to scare him a little.  When they traveled, they were relatively quiet anyway, which maybe didn't help matters, in her mind... she wasn't like Joel in that way.  She thrived on talking to people... interacting with others.  Introspection didn't suit her.  Now, she never wanted to tell him what she was thinking, when he asked.  'Nothing' was her stock answer, sometimes amended with their 'nothing I want to tell you' phrase.  Joel didn't push her.  He missed the way she used to keep him up at night, wanting to talk while he just wanted to sleep (and actually, it seemed that he used to sleep better when she was talkative than he did now).

He wanted her to be happy, and had to remind himself they were damn lucky that she was even _okay_.

Today, he grew hopeful as they followed the signs to Rockaway Beach.  The closer they got, the more animated Ellie became.  She wanted to walk rather than ride the horse; she said she could keep up just fine -- and she did.  With the first beach parking lot on the horizon, she actually started running, turning to look over her shoulder from time to time, yelling, "Come _on!"_

Sophie urged Poppy to gallop, and Joel reluctantly started running himself, which wasn't all that easy, considering how much shit he was carrying; Ellie had only her backpack.  But he wasn't entirely reluctant -- he wanted to see her face when she got her first good view of the ocean, and he was excited that _she_ was showing so much excitement over it (hell, he was also excited to see that her leg was obviously functioning properly -- it was the first time she'd used it to run since the injury).  "Ellie!  Wait up!"

She paused to catch her breath, and then it was Sophie calling to them, "Vamonos, you guys!" as she rode Poppy right up to the end of a patio area, at the edge of the sand.

Ellie stopped only briefly.  When Joel caught up to her, she tugged him by the hand.  "Come on!  It's right there!  I can see it-- I can see... Whoa... Joel, look at it! _Look!_ "  She stopped and stared for a full ten seconds before speaking again.  "The waves are like... I dunno... the gates of heaven spreading open or something.  I can't even describe it!"

_...The gates of heaven?_   Joel glanced at it, but the ocean would still be there in another minute.  He felt more inclined to watch the awe and wonder blossoming in her face... the _spark_ that he'd been missing so much, once again dancing in her beautiful green eyes.  _Can't deny that view._


	41. The Gates of Heaven

The ocean!  At last!  So fucking _beautiful_.  Magnificent.  Awesome.  And any other word like that in existence.  Ellie had expected it to look kind of like that place in Pittsburgh, where she and Joel had washed up on the beach... which was beautiful, although they hadn't had time to enjoy it.  Jackson had a lake, too, and the water was pretty.  But _this_ was like... _multiply that by a hundred!_  

"Why does it smell so... I don't even know what it smells like..."  The first thing Ellie had noticed was the scent in the air, quite a bit before they'd reached the beach. 

"Uh... salt?" Joel ventured.

"Salt has a smell?" 

"If it does, this is it."

She kept staring at the rippling blue-green water, capped with white.  "That's just sunlight on there, isn't it?  But it's so sparkly..."

"Yes it is.  Like diamonds."

"Yeah... so fucking cool.  The waves are so big!  How do they get so big?  Wow..."  For some reason, Ellie felt like crying.  Not because she was happy or sad, just... it was _so gorgeous_.  The world was a nasty place: people turned into monsters (infected or otherwise), buildings collapsed and fires burned... everywhere, people were dying, suffering... suffering from the constant struggle to survive, enduring physical and emotional pain every day, scared of dying or more suffering or losing what little they had, only to go to sleep -- the land of nightmares -- and get up the next day and do it all over again in a pointless, never-ending cycle.  And the ocean was just... _there._   Untouched by it.  Like it didn't give a shit what the world did.  Frankly, it didn't _belong_ in this bleak world.

"You all right?"

She felt Joel come up beside her and put an arm around her shoulders.  "Of course!" she forced herself to say, swallowing the lump in her throat.  "Why wouldn't I be... I mean... _wow."_

"You jus' looked... sad for a moment there."

She didn't know how to explain, and didn't really want to try.  Sophie and Poppy were like... five seconds' distance in front of her and Joel, and there was a whole bunch of sand in between them and the ocean.  Ellie turned to look at Joel. "Can we go down there?  Close to the water?"

Joel nodded.  "I was thinkin' you might like to take a dip, yes."

"Oh, I don't know about _that_... but I wanna see it up close..."

Sophie gasped.  "Ellie! You _gotta_ go in.  We're all going!  Just gotta get our suits on!"

"I think I'll just watch.  I could watch those waves forever."  She half expected Joel to tease her and say that she'd barely laid eyes on them so how could she possibly know that?  But he didn't.  _He doesn't tease me as much in general.  I'm sorry, Joel... maybe I should just fake it more..._

Sophie hopped to the ground.  "Well, _I'm_ going in.  Haven't been to the ocean in years.  Look, there's a restroom here to change in and everything, just like back in the day!  'Course my suit's way at the bottom of the bag..." She started rummaging through one of the saddlebags.

" _Back in the day_ there prob'ly weren't corpses in the stalls, though," Ellie said mildly.  "Or lying around on the beach..."

Joel chuckled.  "None on this beach, far as I can tell.  Maybe they're buried in the sand."  He left Ellie to her ocean-staring as he did a quick check of both restrooms, then gave Sophie the 'all clear' and returned to Ellie's side.  "So why don't you wanna go in, kiddo?  You don' have to swim.  Jus' wade in a little ways.  At least get your feet wet."

Ellie frowned.  "I dunno... it's not good for my leg?"

"Your leg's fine.  Unless... it ain't hurtin' you now, is it?"

Ellie was tempted to say yes, but Joel would probably know she was lying.  She hadn't really mastered the art of telling him believable white lies yet.  And if he did believe her... _fuck -- haven't I put him through enough worrying to last the rest of his life?!_   "No."

"No dead bodies in here!" Sophie called cheerfully from the restroom.

"So c'mon, jus' try it," Joel pressed on.  "For me?"

"Ohhhhh no, don't try to guilt-- hey, how would it be for _you?_   You can still go in if you want." Ellie thought she knew the answer already; she just wanted to hear him say--

"I wanna go in with _you_ , though.  I swear I won' make you go out any farther than you want."

She knew that much already, too.  But she still just... didn't want to.  "Isn't it going to be freezing?" she tried.

"I reckon it is, yeah... not technically freezin', but pretty damn cold.  We won' do it for long.  Whatta you say?"

"I say... we let Sophie go first.  And Poppy, if she wants.  Can we take all this stuff off her?  Let her run around or whatever if she wants?"  With the nod from Joel, Ellie started unfastening the bags.  Poppy never strayed too far from them, even during the times they got a whiff of Infected and had to react.  _She's more loyal than-- no, don't go there,_ Ellie commanded herself.  _Besides, you don't even know what happened..._ just another one of life's mysteries.  Ellie had thought mysteries were meant to be solved, but she knew better now; most were unsolvable, and the attempts to figure them out would only drive you mad.

Joel dropped some of his own load, and started undoing the bags on Poppy's other side.  He kept looking around; Ellie knew he wasn't a fan of wide open spaces with no cover, but this was like... _so_ open that it was obvious no one was there.  They hadn't encountered a shitload of people lately (of any kind), but the possibility of people coming along while they were here still existed, of course.  At least they wouldn't be visible from the street, and there was nowhere anyone could hide and ambush them from -- except maybe the restrooms, which he'd already checked, and that would just be... pretty fucking weird, for people to camp out in there when they could be on the _beach_.  Looking at the _ocean_.  _I bet I could just sit there and stare at the water all day and nothing would bother me, NOTHING, I'd forget to feel pain -- physical or emotional -- and I wouldn't feel afraid... I wouldn't even have to work out all that inside-versus-outside mode stuff because I would just... BE... everything else would disappear... even Joel, but not in a bad way... it would be peaceful... carefree..._

She got the feeling Joel had just called her name.  Maybe more than once.  "Huh?"

Joel was used to that by now; most of the time, they didn't even bother exchanging _"What's wrong?"/"Nothing"_ s or _"Are you okay?"/"Yes"_ s anymore.  "I said how 'bout you ride her down into the surf, see how interested she is.  I don' think she'll wanna drink it."

From afar, it looked cleaner than most of the water they'd encountered.  "Really?  Why not?"

"Way too salty.  Our bodies can't handle it, either... it'll actually make you thirstier an' dehydrate you faster, 'cause of all the salt."

"Huh.  What if she does drink it?"

"Animals are usually smart about shit like that... but unless she jus' sits there drinkin' it for a long time, I don' think a little bit will hurt her, if she does try it."

"Okay... you wanna ride with me?" Ellie pulled herself up on the horse.

"Sure."  Joel mounted up behind her, and when Sophie came out of the restroom, they all set forth into the sand.  Back in Jackson when she was helping Sophie pack, Ellie had been surprised that Sophie didn't have a bikini, and figured maybe those were in short supply.  Her suit was cute... and low-cut... but it was a one-piece, with a little skirt thing around the waist -- not unlike Ellie's.  Sophie's was turquoise and black, and Ellie's was navy blue, with a pattern of little white anchors.  Ellie both did and did _not_ want to notice how sexy Sophie looked in her suit...

Poppy balked a little at the feel of the sand.  "It's okay, girl, just go on," Ellie urged her.  "Follow Sophie!"

Sophie was trying to move quickly, but apparently, this sand was hard to walk on.  Like her feet would sink into it with each step.  Poppy did follow her, with a little urging.  Ellie couldn't help but wonder what Spirit would've made of the beach.  He would probably gallop through the sand into the water, going in maybe up to his knees before pausing to decide if he liked it or not... and ultimately decide on _not_ , as he didn't seem to be a huge fan of water.  Her heart suddenly lurched in her chest.  _Don't think about him now.  He's gone.  Focus on what you have._

It had been hard for her to do that, lately.  She _knew_ she was lucky to have Joel -- she never forgot that for one second -- but the thought didn't make her happy like it used to.  She couldn't separate it from the morose ones: _one day I'm going to lose him_ and _what's the point of it all?_ and _life is just pain followed by more pain --_ because even the good things were painful _._

_Happiness isn't real._ That's what it all added up to.  It didn't _stick_.  Ellie wondered if the illusion of it existed because there was only so much suffering and worrying and fearing a person could do before they'd go insane. _I WILL go insane if I lose Joel.  When is he going to get sick of me?  No one's ever lasted this long.  And he's being so fucking NICE.  Would it kill me to try a little harder... to fake it a little more?_

And then there were the odd _this will still be here after I die_ thoughts -- those popped into her head when she saw new things.  Or familiar things.  Or just... _anything_.  It was pretty random and stupid.  Stupid because she should be able to toss a _”yeah, so what?”_ back at it, but instead, she'd get... like, melancholy. 

She truly had thought she was going to die for a while -- even when Joel thought she was better.  He wanted _so badly_ for her to feel better, and she hated disappointing him.  So she'd tried to hide it from him... when it felt like her organs were trying to eat themselves... like she was dying from the inside out.  It was the weirdest fucking thing, because the only notable injuries she'd suffered were to her leg and her head -- _those_ were the places that should have been hurting her.  Her head had indeed hurt; her brain was one of the organs eating itself, after all.  But her leg was no worse than any other part of her body.  It didn't make much sense to her...

Except she knew it had something to do with the leg getting infected (she hadn't even hurt it that badly -- it just _looked_ bad).  Like the infection had entered her bloodstream, and her heart was pumping the sickness through every part of her body.  Even after her leg had started healing, she'd felt like utter crap, which made her wonder if she was just dying more slowly than expected.  Joel and Sophie seemed to think she was All Cured in a couple of days, and she didn't have the heart to tell them otherwise.  Which sort of made her feel guilty... not about Sophie, because she was the 'child' here -- the child that it's okay to lie to when there's no need to burden her with the truth.  But Joel... she didn't try very hard to tell him how she really felt.  Physically _or_ emotionally.  Ellie only had a fuzzy memory of this, but apparently, she'd told him repeatedly that she was dying.  She'd had this raging fever at the time, and he'd blamed it on that.  She knew it had hurt him to hear her say it, and she didn't want to hurt him, so...

... _but he also wants truth.  How many times has he told me to be honest with him?_   It was hard to do when the truth would make him feel bad.  Ellie had taken a stab at it, here and there, but he seemed to take it as a plea for reassurance, because he would tell her she's going to be fine now, she had nothing to worry about... and she wondered if he was mostly just trying to reassure _himself_ of that.  If she had told him her stomach was eating itself, he probably would've told her it was hunger pains... if it was her bladder, then she just had to pee... (actually, that sensation had confused her at first, too).  He probably would've told her she had a vivid imagination -- he liked to say that -- but she wasn't trying to be imaginative; she just didn't know how to describe it in medical terms. 

So Ellie kept her mouth shut on the subject.  She didn't even know how to answer when Joel had asked if she was having stabbing type pains or more like dull aches.  _Both... and neither?_ She had decided she needed to pretty much give him the child treatment as well.  It felt like the kindest thing to do.  With no outlet, the truth would have to just keep screaming at her, in her head.  Sometimes loud enough to drown out everything else.

The penicillin had indeed done its job, eventually... just like it had with Joel, last winter -- only he'd recovered much faster (...or maybe he'd been giving _her_ the child treatment?!).  She still had random pains from to time -- they felt random to Ellie, but there must have been a reason for them? -- and she felt tired more often than not.  Still, it was a big improvement from eating herself!  She assumed this would be her new 'normal.'  At least she didn't believe she was dying anymore... even if her brain did feel heavier.  Before this, Ellie had stupidly assumed that being immune to Cordyceps infection meant she was immune to _all_ types of infection.  _Nope, not THAT special!_

But she was lucky.  _Lucky to be alive, lucky to have Joel..._

Sophie yelped when the water lapped at her toes, and she froze in place.  "It's ~freezing!~" she sing-songed back to them.

_I'm lucky to have Sophie, too._   Ellie groaned theatrically.  "You just gotta plow right in!  Don't be a pussy!"

"You're one to talk," Joel smirked.  He might be teasing her less, but sometimes it seemed he just couldn't resist.

"Hey, it's not that I don't want to go in because I'm afraid.  I just don't want to!"  _And I'm afraid.  Except not in the way you think._

"Uh-huh."

"Really!" Ellie insisted, annoyed that Joel didn't believe her lie.  "Okay, Soph -- we're gonna ride Poppy down to those rocks over there and back, and your ass better be all the way in the water when we get back!"  Before Sophie could reply, Ellie turned the horse away and urged her to canter down the shoreline, then to break into an exhilarating gallop.  Ellie looked out at the water, taking in the magnificence as best she could.  She'd never seen any water behave like that, not in lakes or rivers or even waterfalls.  She knew that the tide came in, and that there were waves that people surfed on -- she'd seen it in movies, maybe read about it in books.  But actually seeing it in person... it was real.  Not just ~movie magic~ ...special effects from a computer, or her imagination, or whatever. 

When Poppy slowed to a trot, Ellie glanced back at Joel.  "It's so... are you even looking at it?"

"I'll look at it plenty when I go in."

_He's still keeping an eye out_ , Ellie realized.  She felt a little guilty that she'd completely forgotten to do that since coming down to the water; again, Joel never forgot.  Unlike Ellie, he never got so lost in his own thoughts that he forgot to care about such things.  She turned to speak to him again.  "I'll keep watch when you go in!"

"Sophie can do that when _we_ go in," he suggested, and Ellie just rolled her eyes.

It took probably another minute to reach the rocks that walled this beach off from the next.  Joel told her there were some beaches that would seem to go on and on forever, no end in sight.  Ellie liked the sound of that and hoped they would see some beaches like that soon.  When they turned around, she slowed Poppy to a walk.  The horse stayed in the dark part of the sand, though, where the water was coming in.  "You think she likes it?"

"She seems okay with it.  Guess we'll find out when we turn her loose."

By the time they got back, Sophie was fully in the water, so far out that they couldn't understand what she was trying to shout back to them.  "Do you think she's okay?"  Ellie walked the horse back up into the lighter sand and slid off, then turned and squinted out at the sunshiny water, using her hand as a visor.

Joel followed suit.  "She's fine.  She's a good swimmer.  You'n'me won' go out that far."

"You mean _you_ won't.  I'm just going to watch from here."

Joel didn't comment on that.  He patted the horse's neck.  "Okay, Pops, do what you want... jus' don' leave the beach, okay?"

"I'll make sure she doesn't.  See, another reason I can't go in!"  The horse wasn't going anywhere, though, and Ellie did kind of want to go in now.  ... _Because isn't it dumb to be so afraid of ruining something wonderful -- or loving something so much it HURTS -- that you hold back and don't even experience it fully... or to be afraid to gain something due to the inevitability of losing it?  ...What if I acted that way with Joel?_  

Joel crossed his arms in front of his chest.  "Not a reason you can't go in.  One reason for all three of us not goin' in at the same time, though, I'll grant you that."

Poppy started foraging... in the dark brown sand, where these weird plants were getting dumped by the ocean, only to be reclaimed when the next wave came in.  She ate one of them, but Ellie didn't think she seemed that impressed with it.

Ellie stared at the glistening water again, thoughts churning.  _I HAVE kind of been like that with Joel.  Lately, at least.  Like I don't want to get any closer to him.  I love him too much.  So much that it fucking hurts.  Which makes me want to stop, because pain fucking SUCKS, but I can't stop -- I need him too much.  The more I love him, the more it hurts, and the worse it's going to be when I lose him.  And I WILL lose him.  I don't know how or when, but it will happen.  How did I stand it before?  How did I let this happen?  How can I be HAPPY when I know--_

"I'm gonna go put my suit on," Joel announced.  "Though I could jus' go in my boxers--"

"No!"  That sure jarred Ellie out of her thoughts -- she knew she didn't want Sophie seeing _that_.  ...even if the suit did cover the same places.  It was different, somehow, when it was underwear.  "Put your suit on.  That's what it's for."

"An' then will you at least kick off your shoes'n'socks an' get your feet wet?"

"Um... maybe.  Okay, yeah, I can at least do that."  Curiosity, and perhaps a strange desire to say _"fuck you"_ to her brain (even though it was being _smart_ in trying to protect her), made her want to go in for real now... she just needed Joel to talk her into it, for some reason.  Like she couldn't just change her mind without his persuasion.

She didn't wait for Joel to return to check out the white kind (er, off-white, to be exact) of sand.  It wasn't completely unlike the Pittsburgh sand... but they'd been on the move then, with no time to take their shoes off and feel it between their toes.  Ellie plopped down and sifted it through her fingers.  It wasn't powdery-soft like she'd expected.  _That's okay... not everything has to be like what I expect... who am I to dictate what things should and shouldn't be like..._

"Well?"  Joel came up behind her.  "What's it feel like?"

"Um... sandy?"

"Imagine that."  He offered her his hand and pulled her to her feet.  "C'mon.  Just to the edge."

When they got to the brown sand, Ellie stopped.  "It's wet!"

Joel chuckled.  "Well, yeah, the ocean sort of... wets things."

She had to scoff at herself.  "Duh... I guess I just... wasn't thinking of it like that."  Like how dirt got dark when it became mud.  _I'm not an idiot, Joel, really_... but he wasn't even laughing at her.

"We'll make sandcastles out of it later.  Or sand-... somethin's."  He tugged on her hand.  "Little farther..."

A wave tickled her toes and she gasped.  "It _is_ cold!"

"That's about as far as you can go, right there."  He let go of her hand.

"This is... barely anything.  Maybe just a little--"

Joel shook his head.  "If you get those jeans wet, it's gonna take forever to dry 'em.  Seein' as how you ain't comin' in... keep watch, will you?"

"What?  That's it?"  He was supposed to try a little harder than _that_ to talk her into it -- didn't he know that all the times she'd already said no didn't count, because now she wanted to say yes?!  Ellie desperately wanted him to yank her out of her own head right now.  Out of the melancholy, into something fun.  Talking to him had a way of making her feel better (albeit temporarily), but _fun_ was kind of a foreign concept now.

He kept backing farther away from her, into the water.  "I'm gonna go swimmin'... out there where Sophie's at."

Ellie watched helplessly as he moved farther and farther away... closer and closer to Sophie.  He'd be out there, having a good time with her, while Ellie was stuck here, wondering what it was like... the two of them would share something special that she and Joel didn't share... _oh HELL no!_   "Wait!  Joel, wait!" she yelled.

"What!" he yelled back, although she was pretty sure he'd heard her.

"Wait for me!  I wanna go in!"

He started walking back toward her.  Ellie thought he looked a little smug... _yeah, he knew I wouldn't be able to stand it -- that he didn't have to keep trying to talk me into it.  What a dick!_

"What changed your mind?" he asked, innocently enough, but that look he was giving her... it was the I-already-know-the-answer-to-that look.

She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of hearing the real reason.  "I'm... curious.  Lemme go change real quick!"

"Take your time.  I really _don't_ want all three of us to go at the same time.  We'll wait for Sophie to come in."

But Ellie hurried anyway, starting to yank her jeans off -- still her old torn-up ones, as they'd been unable to find anything that was a close enough fit yet to swap -- before she even got inside the bathroom.  There really was no reason to go into the little building at all, with Sophie too far away to scrutinize her naked body -- and Sophie knowing the truth of their relationship meant Joel was 'allowed' to see her naked -- but she went anyway.  The skylight gave the bathroom a sort of eerie, greenish glow.  She changed into her suit... and, for the first time, she didn't need to cover it up with a long-sleeved T-shirt.  Every time she'd worn it to the lake in Jackson, she'd had to do that.  Not a big deal, really, but the realization made her smile.

Joel was standing at the water's edge when she came back, the 'community towel' slung around his shoulders.  "We're gonna have to dry ourselves off with a wet towel, you know," he said.  "Maybe we should pick up some extras somewhere if we're gonna make this a regular thing."

"Sophie can have the towel.  I have _you_ to warm me up."

"Uh... how am I gonna do that when I'm wet, too?"

"You'll still be warm enough."  Joel always felt warm to her.  She hugged him around the waist, her cheek pillowed in his chest hair.  _Yep, nice and warm!_

He wrapped his arms around her.  "I don' know about that... it's a bit chilly out here, with the wind blowin'.  I'll warm you up now, though..."  When she pulled back enough to look up at him, he kissed her -- right there in the open, with Sophie in eyeshot.  Ellie still hadn't gotten used to being able to do that.  Actually, not much had changed in that regard; Joel wasn't fond of what he called 'PDA's that involved kissing, and Ellie was kind of shy herself at the thought of someone _watching_ them, even if it was just Sophie.  Plus, Joel usually didn't want to be distracted for long.  Just like now:  the kiss was nice and sweet, an antidote for her depressing thoughts... and Ellie wanted it to continue, but she knew Joel wouldn't allow that.  As if someone might come steal their stuff -- or worse -- because he was kissing her for ten whole seconds.  Sure enough, he pulled back after a few moments and quickly surveyed the whole area behind them.

After Those Two Days, they hadn't kissed for like... two more days.  Ellie really hadn't been thinking much about things like kissing when she was feeling so much discomfort, but then even when she did think about it... Joel had seemed distant, or reluctant.  She'd finally flat out asked him if she could have a good night kiss, the night they shared their secret with Sophie -- because obviously, his strange and sudden change of heart on that subject meant he must still be interested in giving her more than pecks on the forehead.  And then he'd seemed so relieved that Ellie felt guilty for somehow making him think she didn't want to kiss him -- possibly going back to before that ordeal, because things had felt a bit strained between them.  They had stopped taking their little breaks together, and kept their focus on whatever needed to be done.  Ellie remembered being annoyed because he'd stopped getting hard.  Which seemed like a really stupid thing to be annoyed about, when she thought about it now.

Now, she felt better physically, but... _Kissing him is painful in a different way!_ It was strange that she was haunted by the thought of losing him when _she_ was the one who had almost died.  Was it because she remembered how devastating it was in that tunnel when she’d _believed_ something had happened to him?  She'd almost lost him before, for real, and had eventually stopped thinking about the _possibility_ of losing him, and what it would do to her if she lost him... _but we weren't kissing back then.  We weren't in love.  Does that make it worse?  If love is so great, why does it have to HURT?  Maybe it's a good thing we don't have sex because I can only imagine how much worse that would make it... Joel must be so happy that I've stopped bugging him about it, at least!  The only problem with that is... I WANT to have sex with him before it's too late.  What if he's gone before I'm eighteen?  ...but I need to NOT want it, because of the whole making-it-worse thing... except how much worse could it fucking GET, really?!  I already know I'd DIE without him..._

_Fuck!_   Now she needed to just... stop thinking.  Joel was looking at her with that concerned expression again... the one that made her feel guilty.  "What is it?" he asked gently, his hands cupping her face.

"Nothing.  Do you like my suit?" Ellie pulled away and did a little twirl in front of him.

"Yeah, sure... it's the same one you've always had, ain't it?"

"Yeah, but don’t you notice something different?"

Joel was clueless.  It was sort of adorable how he could pick up the smallest movement out of the corner of his eye, yet he couldn't notice something glaringly obvious right in front of him.  _Adorable... or infuriating?_

He looked at her appraisingly.  "Yeah -- you've lost weight.  That ain't exactly a good thing, though."

Ellie groaned.  "No!  _What else!"_

"What's different... your hair's still in the braid, so it ain't that... that's a good style for this windy weather, even if it means I can't--"

"Joooeeellll!  What else?"

"Well... I already looked at your leg this mornin'... your sunburn?"

"No and no!"

"Is this one o' them trick questions?" Joel asked with amusement.  "I'm s'posed to tell you... you've gotten prettier, or some shit?"

Ellie whacked him on the arm.  Hard.

"Ow!  That hurt!" Joel rubbed his arm, laughing.

"Good!  You deserved it.  You just told me I'm not pretty!"

"No I didn', now, come on..."

"You did!  The way you said it... I'm not any prettier, or... like it's all bullshit anyway if you compliment me on anything."  Ellie wasn't actually upset.  She knew he was joking around, and that he didn't mean it the way she was making it sound.  But if she pretended to be mad for a minute, he would say something sappy to make it up to her.  She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.

"That 'shit' was meant in the general sense, an' had nothin' to do with bullshit," Joel clarified.  "As for your... prettiness... you're already so pretty it's _impossible_ for you to get any prettier."

"Whatever," she grumbled, secretly pleased with the remark, even if he'd said it in jest.

"It's true."  He pulled her close and kissed her nose.  "Prettiest girl in the world.  So tell me.  What's so different?"

"You give up?  Fine -- I'm not wearing a cover-up shirt!"

"Oh, that?  I didn' think you were talkin' about that.  That ain't--"

"You didn't even notice all this extra bare skin," Ellie pouted.

"Oh, I noticed."  He took another quick look around -- for the third time since the kiss -- and then leaned in to kiss her shoulder.

She had to smile.  "Don't try to look down my suit, though.  Not that there's all that much to see anyways."  At least the thing that tied in front -- which was meant to be like a sailor's bow, in keeping with the nautical theme of her suit (not _bow_... Annie called it something else... _I can't remember!_ ) -- made it look like she had a little more going on in that area.  _And now the bow thing isn't just some weird little lump under my T-shirt!_

Joel kissed his way down to her cleavage (or lack thereof).  "Plenty to see, but please.  Give me some credit.  I got more class than that."

She used to love it when Joel's lips were anywhere on her body... _I STILL love it!  I just... wish he'd stop making me love him so much..._

Sophie may have noticed them waiting at the water's edge, or maybe she'd just had enough, because they'd only been standing there a few minutes when she came plodding toward them, kicking up water as she marched.  "It's hard to walk in this!  So Ellie, you're gonna try it out, huh?  Oh brrrrr it's cold out here..."  Joel extended the towel to her and she snatched it from him.

"Out here?  What about _in there?_ " Ellie scoffed.

"It's actually not that bad once you're in.  You get used to it fast.  And there's no wind!  Or you don't feel it."

Ellie hoped that was true because she had goosebumps... although those might have been courtesy of Joel's lips, actually.  The sun was playing peek-a-boo with the clouds, and even when it came out, it didn't seem to warm the breeze any.  They started wading into the water.  Joel turned around and called to Sophie.  "Jus' holler if you see anythin'... or if Poppy does anythin' crazy... we won' go very far."  And Ellie would bet that he kept looking back there himself anyway...

"Got it!  Have fun -- maybe I'll go back in after you're done!"

"Wow, she really likes it," Ellie remarked.  "I thought since it's cold she'd be kind of a wuss about it."

"She's a California girl... kind of.  If you count those summers she spent here as a teenager.  I'm sure she's missed the ocean.  Okay, gimme your hand..."

Ellie moved closer to Joel and interlaced their fingers.  Her stomach felt funny, but she attributed it to that random weirdness that happened now, not to fear.  "You said we're not gonna go out far... how far will we go?"

"Oh... maybe far enough that it comes up to my chin."

"But that means I can't stand!"  She stopped walking, yanking Joel back a step.

He laughed.  "I'm jus' kiddin'.  We'll go... no more than waist deep.  Your waist."

That sounded a little _too_ wussy.  _He's teasing me, though... that's good..._ and any depressing thoughts she may have had were shoved aside by _Oh my God these cold-ass waves are going to eat us up!_   She started forward again.  "We can maybe go a little farther than that..."

"We'll see how the waves are.  You notice how they come up now almost to your knees... then all of a sudden it's jus' up to your ankles?"

"Yeah..."

"They come in different sizes.  I'd rather not have a wave knock you off your feet.  At least not for your first time in.  Do you feel it tuggin' at your feet a little?  Here... stop walkin' a sec.  Dig your toes into the sand... wait for this next one... riiiight... --there, you feel it kinda suckin' the sand away from you?"

"Hey, yeah... that's weird!  The water's rushing at us, but it's also rushing back at the same time..." Which, again, seemed obvious, now that she thought about it, because of course the waves didn't just keep going -- they'd flood the world!  The water reached the shore and then changed direction, but there was always more water coming in.  "How does it do both at the same time?"

"...Magic?  I don' know, somethin' about the moon's gravity pullin' on the waves..."

"Hey, there's glitter in here!"

"Glitter?"

"Look!  It's everywhere!"

Joel chuckled.  "That's jus' the sand.  It sparkles back up on the beach, too, if you look for it."

They were in it above her knees now, and when the next wave came, it brought the water up over her waist, and knocked her back a step.  She gripped Joel's hand a little tighter.  "Whoa!  Um... maybe we should stop here... for now..."

Joel nodded.  "This is good -- you can practice jumpin' the waves here."

"Jumping them?"

"You won' really feel it so much here but if you do it out there a little bit more, the wave sort of lifts you up with it.  I think you'll like that.  Time it so you're jumpin' right before the wave gets to you.  Like... okay, with this next one... ready?  One... two... jump!"

They jumped together, although not in perfect sync, and it felt kind of silly because the wave was smaller than the last one.  "Okay, let's do that with a _real_ wave..."  She took a few steps forward.

"You sure?  We can go slow..."

She snickered.  "That's more your thing than mine."

That made him smile.  "Well, sometimes that's a good thing."

She took a few more steps, taking Joel with her since she was holding his hand.  A larger wave began to form, a few seconds ahead of them... "Okay," Joel said, "so remember--"

But Ellie was scrambling to move them backward, suddenly frightened of the size of this angry-looking _water beast_ rushing at them.  Joel tried to get in line with her but the wave was already upon them.  "Jump!" he yelled, lifting up her hand. 

Ellie jumped -- and nothing happened.  Nothing bad, anyway:   _That was kind of... fun!_   She turned and watched the wave go on behind them, and noticed that the white foamy part was gone.  "Wow, it's like it just... went right _through_ us..."

Joel chuckled.  "That's the idea.  That one wasn' even big.  You see how it looked real big, but by the time it got to us, it wasn' so bad?"

"Yeah!  Wow, that's fun -- so we _can_ go out deeper!"

"They won' all be like that.  One could start up right in front of you an' smack you in the face... or you might get two comin' at right about the same time... are you cold?"

Ellie realized she wasn't that cold at all.  At least, her legs weren't.  The part of her in the water felt better than the part of her in the air!  "No... weird!  I know the water's cold, but... it doesn't even feel as cold as the lake gets sometimes."

"It'd be a little warmer if it was summer... or if we were more south of here, I think.  Now, crouch down a little... you feel the pull even more, with more of you in the water, right?"

A few gentle waves went 'through' her while she squatted there.  Even though they were gentle, she still felt the current, and it was more intense than when it was just the sand fleeing from her toes.  "Yeah... that's cool."

He pulled her back up.  "I don' wanna scare you, but that's why swimmin' in the ocean can be dangerous.  The farther you go, the stronger it gets, an' if you go out too far, it can carry you way the hell out there to where you can't swim back, beyond all the waves an' everythin', or it can pull you under..."

"You're shitting me, right?"  He didn't look like he was bullshitting, but she knew he liked to exaggerate sometimes if he felt she wasn't taking him seriously.  Meanwhile, another angry wave was coming at them...

"I jus' want you to be careful.  Jump!"

It felt like the wave was lifting her up with that jump, and it gave her a little thrill.  "Ooo that was a good one!  That was the wave doing that, right?  Not you?"

"Right."  Joel wasn't done with the dad lecture thing yet.  "We're gonna see plenty more beaches... I know you can be fearless sometimes, so jus'... don' go in by yourself, all right?  Actually, don' even go in if I ain't around."

_Does he expect me to sneak in when he's asleep or something?_   "It's okay, Joel -- I don't even want to go under water, so I'm not gonna go out that far.  Are you holding my hand tighter on purpose when the waves come?  Even those little ones?"

"Yes.  Can't tell for sure how big or little they are.  You know you can dive under the waves, too.  Here, I'll show you with this next one--"

"No, don't!"  They jumped the wave together.  "I don't wanna go under, like, at all.  I'm not going to here in this spot, am I?"

"No."

"And if we go in up to my waist?"

"You might get drenched by a big one, but I don' think you'll go under, no."

"You don't _think?_   So you don't actually know."

"You might lose your footin' or somethin'... but don' worry, kiddo, I got you."

She smiled.  Whenever he said that, it reminded her of their trip from Boston, when she had to get on those fucking pallets because she couldn't swim.  Sometimes he'd have to swim somewhere she couldn't get to.  One time very early in the trip, she'd asked Joel if he was going to leave her there, only half joking, hoping he'd reassure her... he hadn't bothered to answer her, but at least he hadn't left her.  And he never made her get in the water; he always found a way around that.  "So you're not gonna like... dunk me on purpose, or whatever, to be funny... right?"

He pulled her closer to him and kissed her forehead.  "I'd never do that to you.  Jump!"

Just a baby one that time.  "Okay.  Would you do it to Sophie?  If you guys were like... playing?"

Joel thought about it a moment.  "Maybe.  She swims like a fish, so yeah, maybe."

Whereas Ellie was still kind of afraid of the water.  Even though it was just fucking _water_.  Joel had taught her how to swim underwater, but she didn't like it at all.  Didn't like the feeling of being submerged, of water filling her ears and threatening to fill her lungs.  Almost drowning a couple times could make a person wary, she supposed... _but I've been through worse!_   "Maybe someday you can play with me like that, too.  When I get better at swimming."  Although she couldn't imagine actually _enjoying_ being underwater... and actually going under on purpose.

Joel pulled her even closer, right up against his side.  "It's all right, Ellie.  You don' have to become some... amazin' swimmer or anythin'.  I wanted you to learn how for your own safety.  Playin' with you like this is jus' fine with me -- an' I'd much rather be with you than her."

She was about to say that it wasn't _that_... but then realized maybe it _was_ that... ?  "Okay.  You _like_ holding my hand," she affirmed.

"Sure do."

And... he liked being her hero (which was a little more embarrassing to say out loud).  It pleased him to soothe her fears, give her comfort... like with the nightmares.  She wouldn't go so far as to say he _liked_ it when she got upset or felt afraid, but he certainly seemed to like being the cure for it.  Which Ellie didn't fully understand, because how could that not be annoying as fuck to have to deal with all the time?  Especially when she wasn't even fun to be around the rest of the time, either...

"Here.  Climb up on my back," Joel urged her.

"What?"

"Not my shoulders, jus' my back.  We'll go in a little deeper, an' you'll be as tall as me."

She did as he said.  "A little taller than you, actually!" She hugged his neck.  "Mm, I like this..."

"Don' get any ideas."

"Who, me?" She kissed his earlobe.

"An' try not to choke me."

And now when they jumped the waves, it was Joel doing the jumping, but Ellie still felt the lift of the water.  She wasn't scared at all like this, clinging to Joel while he held her legs.  "The water makes us weightless, right?  So you could ride on _my_ back!"

Joel snorted.  "Maybe if we're in up to your neck or somethin', but that's just... weird."

"The waves look like a stampede of horses coming at us, don't they!  The white part!"

"Huh... Never saw it like that, but now that you mention it... yeah, maybe..."

"Or -- when the white stuff goes sideways-like... and runs into the next one... it's like flames!"

"You've got a good imagination, kiddo."

She liked watching the waves meet in the middle.  Or when one started going diagonal and it met up with one coming straight... _like the ones coming at us RIGHT NOW..._ "Joel!  Those two are gonna come together like _RIGHT ON TOP OF US!"_   He jumped it, but the water still smacked their faces, and Ellie squealed.

Joel turned his head as best he could and smiled at her.  "You all right?"

She spit out the little bit of nasty water that got in her mouth.  "That one was the _best!_ Go a little deeper!"

He took a couple more steps.  "I ain't that good a judge of these waves... an' I'm rusty at this.  This is as far as I'm willin' to go." The water was only like halfway up his chest.

"Cuz of me?" She thought he was judging the waves pretty well, actually...

"Yes.  If you have a bad experience, you might never wanna go in again."

"So you think one of these waves might pull you down?"

He jumped two smaller waves in quick succession.  "Out a little farther, yeah, maybe.  Right here, even if they knock me around a little, I'm sure I can keep us up.  Since you don' mind gettin' soaked, you jus' don' wanna go under?  This here's a good spot."

"You're stronger than the ocean.  I bet it wouldn't pull you under."

Joel laughed.  "No man is stronger than the ocean."

Ellie thought he was stronger than anything or anyone _ever_.  _He's just being modest!_  But she had to admit, the ocean was... formidable.  She hugged him tighter, pressing her cheek against his.  She watched how the whiteness of the wave fizzled away after the next jump.  "So cool how all the little bubbles just sort of... melt away real quick... look, on my arm they do it, too!"  He turned to smile at her and give her a little kiss... and her heart swelled with love.  "Thank you for making me come out here, Joel."

"I didn' _make_ you."

"Whatever.  I love you!" she said happily.

"Love you, too.  Glad you're enjoyin' it so much."

After another few minutes of that, Ellie announced, "I want to jump them myself!  Just back up a little bit and put me down?"

Joel deposited her a few steps back, then took her hand and backed them up even more.  "Only to your waist."

"Even if I fall or something I won't think it's a bad experience, I swear," she protested as she jumped a small one.

"Still."

"And you don't have to hold my hand."

Joel looked at her a moment.  "Humor me?"

"What, _you_ feel better holding my hand?" Although she knew he was concerned for her, not himself, the thought of him being afraid of the water and needing to hold her hand was still funny.

"I do, yes.  Are you too cold?"

"No!  Not cold at all!"

"Your teeth are chattering."

Ellie hadn't even noticed.  "Huh... weird.  I don't feel cold!  Really!"  She sort of did, but not in an uncomfortable way.  The water kept her very much... _there_ , outside of her head yet very much in her body -- and her stomach didn't hurt anymore.  _Nothing_ hurt.  She didn't know how to describe it to Joel, and she didn't want him to decide they should get out on account of her being cold.

They played a short while longer, Joel turning back to look at Sophie and Poppy every so often.  He'd turned around a couple times while Ellie was on his back, too.  He just couldn't seem to completely relax Outside, even with someone else keeping watch (or maybe _especially_ with someone else keeping watch?!); Ellie knew better than to tell him to try.  Her favorite waves were the scary ones that slapped her around a little, or made her lose her footing.  It was a fun-scary feeling, like how she felt when watching a horror movie -- a _good_ movie, not a zombie one -- when she knew she wasn't in any real danger.  She tried _not_ jumping, to see what happened, but that was actually hard; the urge to jump, to exert some form of control, was strong.  Any time she didn't jump, she got pushed back... at least as far as holding on to Joel would allow.

"Turn around an' look where we are," Joel told her.

Ellie twisted around and quickly scanned the beach.  "Hey, did Sophie move our stuff?  Why is it way over there?"

Joel chuckled.  "We're the ones who moved.  You jus' don' notice it out here.  C'mon, let's head back in.  Get dried off."

Ellie was a little sad to leave, but she didn't protest.  They walked slowly back toward the shore... and she could see why Sophie had been 'marching' when she came out -- it was hard to walk through that water that was rushing back out to sea!

Like Joel had done earlier, Sophie was waiting for them with the towel.  "It's still kinda wet, sorry... so?  What did you think?  You must've liked it, you guys were out there a while..."

"It was awesome!  I definitely want to do that again."  She let Joel wrap the towel around her shoulders.

"So do I.  Like... right now, if you're cool with it?" Sophie appealed to Joel.

"Oh!  I'll go with you!" Ellie declared.  "Pleeeease, Joel?"

Joel frowned.  "No, I don' want you goin' out that far."

"Then I'll stick to where you guys were," said Sophie.  "I don't need to swim.  And I'll hold her hand if you want.  Please?"

"Pleeeease?" Ellie chorused.  When he took the towel from her and started drying himself with it instead of her, she knew the answer was yes.  "Yay!  Okay, so I really don't need any hand holding--"

"It'd make me feel better," Joel reminded her.

"What do you think's gonna happen?  Like I'm just gonna ~drift away~ to sea?"

"Do you wanna go, or not?  That's my condition."

"I'm not a baby," she protested.  "Maybe I was a little scared at first but that's like... part of the fun of it now."

"But for your first time in... you don' know--"

"Second!  It's my second time!"

Sophie laughed.  "She's right.  But it's okay, we can hold hands, it'll be fun.  Just for like ten, fifteen minutes."

Joel wasn't quite frowning, but he didn't look happy.  "Don' go out as far as I did.  An' don' let her go under."

Sophie grabbed Ellie's hand and looked at Joel.  "I'll take care of her, Joel, don't worry."

Ellie was about to complain again that she didn't need to be taken care of, but something about the way Sophie said it... and even the way Joel looked at Sophie after she said it... it was like she had something to prove.  _That she's not completely useless, maybe?  No... that doesn't make sense, because she already proved that..._   Ellie had stopped thinking of her as dead weight, somewhere along the way (probably because it had stopped being true -- even before she'd helped Joel rescue her).  And somewhere along the way, Sophie really had become a friend.  Ellie wondered how that had happened without her really noticing.  Maybe Sophie wasn't as good at the survival stuff as she and Joel were -- definitely not the killing, and it was their job to keep her from _having_ to do that -- but she did okay with most things.  And even if that wasn't the case, it wouldn't have made her unworthy as a person.

She'd even done something that Joel couldn't -- she told her how many X's to mark off on her calendar when Ellie had finally remembered to care about that.  Ellie had been touched that Sophie had thought to keep track of it for her.  She had missed four days of calendar-marking!

And if it hadn't been for her, Ellie might have died, alone in the dark.  She'd tried to thank her for that, but Sophie had waved that off, saying she never would have been in there in the first place if it hadn't been for her, so it didn't really count.  Ellie couldn't exactly disagree with that, but it didn't make her any less grateful.  Joel gave Sophie all the credit.  Which was fine... but Ellie thought he would have found a way to move enough of that shit off of her to pull her out.  He'd been afraid of causing an avalanche and crushing her, and that fear had crippled him; if she was going to die anyway, surely he would've gotten a little more desperate... he'd have had to take more risks.

Joel had been overprotective of her for a long time.  Since they'd arrived in Jackson... probably before that.  He'd made some progress in letting go -- too much progress, actually, because as it turned out, Ellie had become the one who couldn't stand being apart from him -- but after Sacramento, they were back at square one (Ellie wasn't sure what squares had to do with anything, but she knew square one was the beginning).  Maybe even worse than square one... square zero?  Like another whole level of desperation... laced with guilt (Sophie called it 'Catholic guilt,' even though Joel wasn't Catholic).  Like it was his fucking fault that he couldn't find her for so long, when Ellie knew he'd searched his ass off and had probably suffered even more than she had, because at least she'd been out of it most of the time.  She must have been, because she barely remembered it... only in nightmares and panic attacks, where it was vague -- and usually mixed up with other bad shit that had happened to her.

At first, Joel had thought she was fibbing about not remembering because she didn't want to talk about it.  She was pretty sure he didn't want to hear about it even if she did remember... but sometimes she got the sense that he did, if only to use it to feed his misplaced guilt.  Next, he'd ventured that maybe she was having these fuzzy, unsettling nightmares because her brain was trying to make her remember, which made no fucking sense -- why _should_ she remember if it was so awful that she'd blacked most of it out?  Why would her brain make her forget it, only to try to make her remember it?  Joel had no answer for that.  He would say he wasn't a psychiatrist -- a fact of which she was already keenly aware.

Anyway, they were at square zero:  he never let her out of his sight now. 

_I should have teased him about letting me go into that bathroom by myself!_ "Come on, let's go!" Ellie exclaimed as she started running, tugging on Sophie's hand.  Sophie started to run with her, and they splashed into the water, laughing.  Ellie yelped.  "Hey, it got cold again!  I was barely out of it a minute!"

She looked back at Joel as they waded in deeper, and he gave her a little wave.  She imagined it would be hard for him to take his eyes off her, but he would, because he also had to keep watch.  Sophie grinned at her.  "We can stay longer than ten minutes if you want.  I figure, in girl time, that's prob'ly half an hour."

"Girl time?"

"Not like any of us can tell time anyway.  Did you try jumping them backwards?  It's hard, unless you cheat and look back right up 'til the end..." Sophie swung herself around to Ellie's other side, so they were facing the shore.

Ellie felt... _happy_.  She wanted to stay out there forever, with the quiet roar (yes, there was such a thing -- and this was it!) of the sea in her ears, and sand squished in between her toes, being pushed and pulled by the magnificent force of the water... where nothing else was real.  And it was like, the most directly opposite of a closed-in space that you could find.  She was barely moving, really, yet she felt wild and free... exuberant and thrilled.  _The ocean will always be here.  No matter what else happens in this world._   The thought didn't carry the morbid undertone with it that her similar thoughts of late had seemed to.  It was... somehow comforting.  _I will always have this... as long as I want.  No one can take it from me._

And when she did finally leave the water in a little while, Joel would be there... waiting for her with open arms.  _For today, at least, he's here with me._ The thought wasn't quite as comforting as the ocean one, because someone -- or some _thing_ , like death -- _could_ take him from her.  She wanted so badly to feel the confident, carefree way she used to feel... her old self would be more like _nothing and no one can take Joel from me, either -- not even fucking DEATH_.

Yeah... her old self was full of shit.

She knew that if she wanted to feel truly happy again, she had to live in the moment more... get out of her head and enjoy whatever time she had left with Joel... _but I can't escape the truth.  And I can't forget it.  All I can do is try to distract myself from the pain of--_

"Omigod – Ellie! -- _"_

Both of them squealed as a ginormous wave assaulted them, knocking them over but not under.  Ellie whooped and laughed, and pretty much every thought in her head floated away with the wave, dissipating into tiny little insignificant bubbles.


	42. Sifting the Sands

**Day 59**

The ocean was a powerful distraction.  Every day, they spent at least a couple hours at a beach, although they didn't always go in the water.  The sand got _everywhere_.  The girls didn't seem to mind it much, but Joel found it irritating as hell.  It made its way into all of their bags.  It got in his hair, his clothes, and it clung to any part of his body that it could... he was eating it, shitting it, sleeping in it.  _But the beach makes Ellie happy_ , he would console himself.  _That's worth a hell of a lot more than some petty irritation._

Joel estimated they were losing anywhere from five to ten miles per day with the beaching indulgence, but wasn't that partly the point of the trip?  For him and Ellie, at least, if not Sophie.  They also sacrificed a little bit of mileage to daily hunting... which, hungry as they were for meat by this point, all of them deemed a worthy deviation from traveling.  Joel deferred to Sophie on the beach thing, and it was probably fifty/fifty between Ellie and Sophie on who wanted to stop and play at this-or-that beach, with the other always seconding the motion.  On one beach, they'd found a bodyboard, and after pumping Sophie and Joel for information on its use (Joel deferred to Sophie on that one, too), Ellie had insisted on taking it along -- even when Joel had pointed out that learning to ride it would mean falling off of it.  A lot.  In the _water_.  She was 'cool with that.'  It was only a couple extra pounds, she'd argued.  And since the horse was already overloaded, she would 'totally carry it.' 

But somehow, Joel had ended up carrying it, after tiring of watching her struggle with the most comfortable way to lug it -- including tying the thing underneath her backpack, against her back.  That method hadn't lasted very long.  Besides, she wasn't going to walk the rest of the way, and riding the horse meant the horse was bearing the burden.  Truthfully, a couple pounds wouldn't make much difference to Poppy... but they _had_ added a lot of it's-only-a-couple-of-pounds items to their bags already, counting on the fact that the food weight would be depleted daily -- and that they weren't traveling as many miles per day.  Sophie and Ellie tended to take turns riding the horse now, rather than both of them riding at once, so at least Poppy did have one less human to accommodate (and Joel still refused to take a turn, thanks to his pride... sexism... whatever they wanted to call it -- he preferred to think of it as chivalry).

He wished he'd thought to find a wetsuit for Ellie somewhere on this journey, since Jackson had none.  Surely he could have found something in Sacramento.  If his brain had been functioning at all beyond the capacity of WHERE THE HELL IS ELLIE, he could have made note of what he'd seen where and gone back for it.  They'd obtained plenty of new essentials... mostly ammo, canned food, and clothing -- including 'new' jeans for Ellie, since the huge gash in the left leg was... well, ridiculous.  The hole exposed half her thigh.  Unfortunately, they hadn't found any close enough to her size to be a good fit, but they'd used a safety pin from the first aid kit to cinch them at the waist, and rolled up the cuffs.  These jeans were in better condition than Ellie's old pair, so swapping those for the bigger ones was better than patching them up.  Sophie had offered to trade, but her jeans wouldn't have fit Ellie much better, so there was no point. 

At any rate, he hadn't considered that Ellie would be getting sunburned to a crisp in the ocean.  He managed to get her to wear that long-sleeved T-shirt she'd so gleefully abandoned for swimming just because she could, and occasionally she'd wear Sophie's cowboy hat, too (though not so much in the water).  He and Sophie got a little toasted at times, but they clearly both tanned much easier than Ellie did.  Joel never heard about people getting skin cancer anymore... or cancer of any kind, really... but he reckoned it still existed.  And if you got it, you were fucked; there was no such thing as a cancer survivor these days.  Mostly he just wished he could spare her the pain, minor though it was (she liked to say that it kept her warm).

When Sophie wore the hat, it was all well and good, but when Ellie wore it, he couldn't help thinking about the fact that it had once belonged to Max, and the fact niggled at him.  Ellie managed to pick up on this, and it actually made her more prone to wear the damn thing when Sophie offered.  _Whatever works_ , Joel would grumble to himself.

Worse than that, Ellie credited Max with saving her life.

_"You know if it wasn't for Max, I prob'ly would've died back there."_

_"What?  How do you figure?"_

_"Well, you and Sophie did all the work.  Not saying you didn't.  But Max saved me AFTER that."_

_"Ellie, you ain't makin' any sense.  He's in Jackson."_

_"Right!  But where did he go... oh, say... the first week of July?"_

_"How the hell should I know?"_

_"Joel!  THE FIRST WEEK OF JULY."_

_"What about it?"_

_"Like... the 6th, to be exact?"_

_"...I ain't followin' you here."_

_"Jesus, Joel... you don't even remember when our anniversary is!"_

_"That's... all right, yes, the 6th.  Since we've been out here I really haven' been thinkin' about what day is what."_

_"Okay, but that doesn't explain how you can forget that date.  I just told you when we hit four months last week and you forgot already!"_

_"Ellie, what's all this got to do with Max savin' your life?"_

_"Back to my first question -- you remember where he was?  Or where he was going.  Where WE were going."_

_"Idaho.  So?"_

_"To that MEDICAL FACILITY in Idaho."_

_"All right, I see where you're goin' with this.  That was a scoutin' mission.  Nothin' else."_

_"Yeah, but it was based on a tip that HE got, and then when he and Tommy went back there--"_

_"We were tradin' for medicine before that, you know."_

_"We were TRYING to, but it's not like the military was really putting out.  Fucking prudes.  That's why that hospital was so important!"_

_"Well, where do you think THEY get their shit from?  It's gotta come from somewhere, and the government controls production of pretty much everything."_

_"I don't know -- who cares?  Maybe they steal it.  Whatever.  But now we have a place to take people who are too sick for us to handle, who need a real doctor -- well, if they can make it that far... and we ARE getting extra drugs.  So we had penicillin thanks to Max.  Max saved my life.  You better tell him thank you when we get home."_

Even if that were true -- and Joel really didn't know -- he wasn't about to thank that motherfucker for jack shit.  As far as he was concerned, he and Sophie -- and it was mostly Sophie -- had saved Ellie's life.  And the reality was that Ellie just liked to give him shit, whenever she could.

He would gladly take her shit.  If ever he got annoyed, all he had to do was think back to how he'd felt when he was _wishing_ Ellie would show some spunk again.  He was still concerned about all the times she got uncharacteristically quiet... the sadness he saw in her eyes... but he was relieved to find it happening less and less.

Ellie had picked up on something else that Joel hadn't given any thought to:  why Sophie was willing to drag out this part of the trip.  It seemed like she should be excited to finally end this thing, to reunite with her brother.  And most of the time, she firmly believed -- or _acted_ like she firmly believed -- they were going to find him.  She did like the ocean... maybe she wanted to have some fun, Joel figured.  It wasn't like they got to have much of that when they were traveling.  That wasn't it, according to Ellie.  Her theory was that Sophie was secretly afraid for the trip to end -- the uncertainty of it all.  Would they find her brother?  What if they found out he was dead?  What if they never found him?  What if they found where he'd been, but he'd left for parts unknown, so the whole trip had been for nothing?  What if they found him and he turned her away, for whatever reason?

With the exception of that last question, they had all discussed it around the campfire one night, and Sophie had sheepishly validated the theory.  Joel had mostly listened to the girls talk.  And he felt proud of Ellie, for both her insight and her compassion (and later, he'd jokingly told Ellie she should consider a career in psychology; she'd liked that).  Ellie had promised Sophie that they would stay with her as long as she needed them.  Joel thought that was a bit of a lofty promise, but he couldn't bring himself to chide her for it.  The Ellie he'd known a few months ago would have been counting the days until they could ditch her.

Was it Ellie maturing, or simply that she'd bonded with Sophie?  No reason it couldn't be both.  Since they'd told Sophie the truth about their relationship, Ellie didn't seem to feel as threatened by her, either.  Not that she'd felt especially threatened before, but... there had been some jealousy there.  Like Ellie had feared that Sophie might still try to seduce Joel or something, but now that Sophie _knew_ , she wouldn't, because they were friends.  Which was... wonderfully naïve, and Joel loved her for it.  He didn't remind her what had happened within her circle of friends back in Jackson that should have dissuaded her from such a notion.  The truth was, Ellie was right, in this case.  It was a completely different situation:  he and Sophie weren't impulsive teenagers, and Sophie truly cared about Ellie.

Another thing Joel was grateful for: the longer he and Ellie were together, the more secure she seemed to be in his love for her.

That probably also had to do with the fact that Joel wouldn't let her out of his sight now.  He knew it was going overboard... that it was wrong... but he couldn't help it.  He'd struggled with that when they'd arrived at Jackson in the spring, and after being with her 24/7 for two months straight now -- minus those two excruciatingly awful days -- it was only natural he'd regress.  Ellie accepted it -- even welcomed it, it seemed.  That was, perhaps, also wrong... but it certainly made things easier for him.  Their ability to function independently of one another wouldn't truly be tested until they got to civilization.  Which might be never, for all he knew.  He wasn't sure how much he cared about right or wrong anymore, even where Ellie was concerned.

Finally, they'd made it to Monterey.  They were tired, sore, and hungry, but otherwise in good shape, and fairly well-provisioned.  Since they'd hit the coast, they'd only encountered one group of Infected, which he and Ellie had dispatched easily enough, and only slightly more humans, with whom they'd successfully avoided confrontation.  It made sense to Joel that people might be drawn to the ocean.  But it also seemed like it wouldn't be the easiest life... for a single survivor, or a small group.  Joel was curious about this hippie commune, or whatever the hell it was that they were seeking.  Sophie knew next to nothing about them, and she was annoyed with herself for not paying more attention to her brother when he'd talked about it, but how could she possibly have known she'd have use for this information more than a year later?

One of the small groups they'd avoided had had a horse.  Joel had studied the people from afar for a few minutes, and determined they could get away with stealing it.  If they waited until nightfall, no one would even get hurt.  But Ellie hadn't wanted to do that: _"That's what someone did to Spirit... what if this horse is someone's Spirit?"_ Joel figured they didn't need a second horse _that_ bad, this far into the journey.  He found it interesting that Ellie now operated under the assumption that Spirit had been stolen, whereas before, she'd blamed his disappearance on Sophie's negligence (Joel still believed the latter, but there was nothing to be gained by arguing about it).

They had to look at humans in a different light now -- to be categorized as either possibly in the group they were looking for, or unlikely to be.  All Sophie remembered was that these people were rumored to be at a resort or country club type of place, and she thought it had 'Sands' in the name.  But this intel was old, from a dubious source, and dependent on the memory of a person (Sophie) who hadn't been paying much attention.

Ellie saw it first.  "Guys!  Check out this one!  The sign says White Sands!"  She was riding Poppy, and she urged the horse to trot.  "Does that name sound right, Soph?"

"Hold up, Ellie!" Joel called after her.  Not that she listened.

"This might be it!" Sophie said excitedly.  "The end of the line!"

They trotted after Ellie and Poppy, through an overgrown entranceway into a parking lot full of dead cars.  At least Ellie waited at the club entrance for them to catch up... but then Joel could see why:  the place had the same air of abandonment about it as most of the ghost towns they'd passed through.

Undeterred by Ellie's obvious disappointment, Sophie charged through -- or rather, climbed _over_ \-- the bashed-in wrought-iron gate.  "What's wrong?  They could be in here.  _Alex!"_ she shouted.

"Keep your voice down," Joel chided her.  "An' don't get too far ahead.  Could be Infected in here for all we know."

"No... don't say that... they'll be here..." Sophie went bounding ahead of them.

Joel looked at Ellie, and he could tell she was thinking the same thing he was:  _just like looking for the Fireflies_.  He had to follow Sophie and make sure she didn't get into any trouble.  He was getting a bad vibe off the place...

"How can I get through there with Poppy?" Ellie frowned at the gate.  "I don't want her to twist an ankle or something.  Think she can jump it?  It's leaning practically into the ground..."

Joel looked the gate over; the horse could probably jump it on a run.  He'd rather not risk injury if he was wrong, though.  "Maybe.  But first, let me see if I can... maybe if I push it up an' get the door open enough..." He didn't like how far ahead Sophie had gone, but at least she was being quiet now, and was still within eyeshot.

He had just climbed over the gate when he heard Sophie scream:  _"Infected!"_

_Shit!_   Sophie may have been quiet after going inside, but in her haste to look around, she obviously hadn't been stealthy enough to avoid being seen.  She was running back towards him, two Runners in pursuit from the right.  He pulled out the shotgun.  "Ellie, stay put--"

"Fuck that!  I'm--"

"Just until Sophie gets out."  He moved a few steps to his left and got a clear head shot on the one closest to her.  _One down..._ "Sophie!  Go to the horse, trade places with Ellie--"

"Six or seven," Sophie informed him breathlessly as she rushed to the gate and started to scramble over it; they'd been through this enough by now that Sophie had picked up on Joel and Ellie never having to ask _"how many?"_ when the other spotted an enemy.  "All Runners -- I think?"

Joel moved forward and shot the second one.  He thought he heard a faint screech coming from his left, even though the Runners were to his right.  Visibility in that direction was limited, thanks to a large building -- large enough that by the time he'd reach the corner to look around it, whatever had made that sound would probably be right in his face.  He could send Ellie behind the building to check things out, but if she was spotted and couldn't get back in time, they'd be fighting in two places.  He certainly wasn't going to run off in that direction to check it out himself and leave Ellie to fight alone.

All of that flashed through his mind in a second.  Three more Runners charging at them now... "Ellie--" He turned and saw that she already had a lit Molotov in her hand.  He waited for her to chuck it, his trigger finger ready for anyone who escaped its wrath.

Her aim was true.  Joel thought the one farthest back might have had enough warning to avoid the flames, so he trained his gun on it, but then the stupid motherfucker still stumbled right into--

_"Joel!"_

_Clickers!_   They were coming around the corner of that building to his left -- and he could tell by the way Ellie yelled his name that she was warning him, not asking for his help.  Joel swung the barrel to his left and shot one that was already practically on top of him.  He heard another shot -- that would be from Ellie -- but still found himself face to ugly face with one grabbing him --

He dropped the gun and managed to drive a shiv into its neck before it could harm him.  With no time to recover and ready another gun, he did the same to the one right behind that one.  Ellie had fired a few more shots -- there were now four dead Clickers in front of him.  _But the Runners--_

One was now grappling with Ellie, one more would be on top of him in a few moments, and that appeared to be it.  Ellie had her knife in her hand... logic might dictate that he let her finish that one off while he took care of the last one, but... he _couldn't_.  Not when he couldn't be certain that she'd succeed.  Yes, she was immune, but he still didn't want her to suffer another bite.  He also couldn't shoot it while it was tangled up with her, obviously, so he flew at the creature and broke its grip on her, then started punching it.  He wouldn't have time to kill it with the other one advancing so quickly--

He grabbed the beaten Runner by the nape of its neck, then managed to get a hand on the last Runner as it lunged for him.  Mustering up all the strength he could, he smashed their two heads together with a sickening crack and let go.  The first Runner fell to the ground, lifeless.

Ellie had been about to leap onto the back of that last one -- in anticipation of it attacking Joel while he finished off the other one, he was sure -- and now it staggered backward, right into her.  Joel was about to grab it again, but-- _too late!_   Unlike the hapless Runner, she'd only been stunned momentarily; she took advantage of the creature's disorientation and started knifing the shit out of it.  No need for him to interfere this time.

It wasn't time to breathe easy yet, though.  The hairs on the back of Joel's neck were still prickling, and he didn't think it was just from--

_Nope!  There's one more_ \-- he barely pulled the Shorty out in time to fire at the Stalker that had just burst out from around the corner of that building to the left.

"Holy shit!" Ellie breathed beside him.

He laid a hand on her shoulder.  "You all right, kiddo?"

"Uh-huh.  You?"  She turned to look at him.  Each of them sized up the other, looking for injuries.  The adrenaline was flowing, their hearts racing, but that fight had been a breeze compared to some of the others they'd been through.

"I'm good.  Just wish we'd found who we're lookin' for instead of these bastards." He nudged one with his foot.  _Well, none of them really looked like Alex, at least..._ he'd have to take a closer look at some of them to be sure.  _Best do that before Sophie comes back..._

"Are you guys okay?" Sophie shouted as if on cue.  He hadn't given her the 'all clear,' but she'd come back inside anyhow; Joel and Ellie's calm demeanor was enough of a signal, he supposed.

"We're fine," Ellie answered.  "Did you just jump that gate?"

"Yeppers!  Well, Pops did.  Heh.  She was kind of revved up already.  Sooooo... should we look around some more?"  She definitely didn't sound as excited at the prospect now.

_...Now that we'll be looking at corpses?_   "Sure."  _Starting with looting these bodies..._

"I'll look over here," said Ellie, gesturing left.

"No!  We stay together," said Joel.  He didn't think anyone else was here -- or, rather, his _gut_ didn't -- but he couldn't be sure without searching the grounds.  "An' stay alert."

They searched the rooms, cabanas, common areas like restaurants and stores and swimming pools (which Ellie found redundant, with the ocean so close -- although the pools were dry now)... even some tennis courts.  No more Infected; just bodies in various states of decay.  None of them appeared to be freshly dead -- and none of them looked like Alex.  Clickers had too much fungal growth on their faces to be recognizable, but Alex hadn't been gone long enough to reach that stage of infection anyhow.

By the time they finished searching the place from corner to corner, Sophie looked like she was fighting tears.  "Maybe... they're just out hunting, or fishing, or foraging... something like that.  They _could_ be."

Joel and Ellie exchanged a Look; neither of them had been expecting to find live, uninfected humans by this point, but their companion was clearly deluding herself.  Joel turned back to Sophie.  "I hate to say it, but..."

"They're not here.  Right now!  They might come back," Sophie said desperately.  "Maybe they saw the Infected coming -- so they had to leave!"

_Right.  And they were in such a hurry that they packed up all their shit first._

"Soph... you noticed the corpses everywhere, right?" Ellie asked gently.

"Those have been there for a long, long time -- you can tell!"

"Yeah -- I didn't mean... I just mean that if someone were living here... don't you think they would've gotten rid of those?"

"I don't know!  Maybe... maybe they don't believe in disturbing the remains or something..."

Joel sighed.  "That's a bit of a stretch, don't you think?"

Ellie walked over to Sophie.  "I'm really sorry.  We'll find them.  Me and Joel have done this before.  We--" She caught his cease-and-desist look and swallowed that thought.  "Um... we'll find them.  Maybe... if they _were_ here at some point, they left something behind that'll tell us where they went.  Like a little tape recorder or something."

Sophie snorted.  "Why would they do that?  Maybe they don't want to be found."

"Maybe you jus' remembered the name wrong," Joel suggested.  "Or Alex heard it wrong in the first place."

"Maybe," Sophie said miserably. 

Ellie gave her a hug.  "We might totally have the wrong place... but maybe not.  Maybe they were here before.  Since we're here, we might as well look some more, right?  Look for clues, I mean.  To their whereabouts."

Joel thought that was probably overkill; they'd already picked up what useful shit they could find, and sifting through the rest of it again was unlikely to yield anything helpful.  Then again, it wasn't like they didn't have the time.  And if it gave Sophie the chance to accept reality...

Sophie nodded and stepped back, swiping at her eyes.  "Sounds good.  Sorry."

"It's okay," said Ellie.

"No, you guys... have been amazing.  We're in Monterey... been here for over a day now... I'd say you guys did your part.  I... release you from your vows."  She tried to say it lightly... cheerfully. 

"Oh, shut up," Ellie replied.  "We're not going to just _leave_ you here."

Sophie shook her head.  "All I wanted was to get here.  You got me here.  That's it."

"No, you wanted to find these people.  We haven't done that yet," Ellie insisted.

"But... what if we never... ?"

"It's a little early for that," Joel interjected.  "We want to spend the winter here anyway.  Neither of us is all that fond of snow."

"I fucking _hate_ snow," Ellie agreed.  "Besides, don't you remember I promised we'd stick around no matter what?  That was only like... a week ago."

"We'll look as long as you want to look," Joel assured her.  "Maybe they went to San Francisco.  Ain't that where you said the girl lived before Reno?"

"We already went through there, though," said Ellie.

Joel chuckled.  "We didn' search the entire city -- it's a lot bigger than this one.  Could be people in another part of town.  Who knows."  He looked at Sophie.  "If you eventually get tired of lookin' an' wanna go back to Jackson, we'll take you."

"Wow, um... Thank you.  Both of you.  I really appreciate it."  She smiled a little, although she still looked like she was trying not to cry.  "Okay... I'm not going to feel discouraged.  We've really only barely begun to look, right?  Yesterday was kind of like the beginning..."

"Yeah, no reason to give up hope after one day!" Ellie said brightly.

"How about an ocean break, while we're here?" Sophie suggested.  "This seems like a nice, safe place."

"Now that we've dis-Infected it, you mean?" Ellie quipped.

"Yeah... I just wanna sit there at the edge for a while... feel the water on my toes..."

"All right," said Joel.  "Maybe while you're doin' that, I'll take a closer look around this area."  Someone would have to pass right by him to get to the beach, if they came in the same way... he hadn't _thoroughly_ checked the state of the perimeter, though...

"I'll come join you in a little bit, 'kay?" Ellie said to Sophie.  "Unless you'd rather Joel it.  Up to you."

That strange comment elicited a genuine smile.  "That'd be great.  Thanks, Ellie."

" 'Joel it?' " Joel echoed as Sophie headed down to the beach.  "My name is a verb now?"

"Meaning if she'd rather be alone... to brood or whatever," Ellie explained.

He chuckled.  "I haven't even been alone since..." He didn't have to say it.  _And that certainly wasn't by choice._   "What's so hard about askin' her the normal way?"

"It's not hard, it's just not as _cool,"_ Ellie said in her 'duh' voice.  "I made her smile!  And you use my name like that all the time."

"When do I do that?"

"When you 'Ellie' me."

Joel chuckled again.  "I'm jus' sayin' your name.  You're the one... makin' it into somethin' like that."

"Well, close enough.  Should we hitch Pops to something around here, you think?"

Joel surveyed the courtyard.  "There's plenty of grass an' shit in this area... let's picket her.  A little closer to the beach, though..."

After they'd picketed the horse, Joel walked up behind Ellie and slipped his arms around her, nuzzling her neck.  "I'm proud of you, kiddo."

"Mmm... what did I do?"

"You're bein' you."

She giggled.  "Oh -- well, fuck, I deserve a shitload of praise for _that!"_

_So nice to hear that giggle again!_   "I mean you're good with Sophie."

Ellie squiggled around to face him.  "I feel bad for her.  She's not as lucky as me.  I can kiss you in here, can't I?  Confined space and all?"

Joel answered her with a lingering kiss.  Pretty much every time she asked, he just _had_ to kiss her, even when the answer should've been no.  But this place was about as safe as they come, so he didn't feel that indulging in a kiss or two would do any harm.  Now that Sophie knew about them, they had so many more opportunities; not that they kissed in front of her very often, but now they didn't have to worry about her 'walking in' on them.

Ellie smiled at him sweetly.  "If we go in one of these little rooms, they have beds in there..."

"Ellie--"

"Ha!  _Someone_ has a dirty mind.  I just meant we could rest for a little while."

_Suuuure you did._   "You jus' wanted me to say your name so you could accuse me of 'Ellie'in' you," Joel challenged.

"Did not!  Anyways... just a few minutes?  I don't want Sophie to think we're messing around so I don't want to take too long."

Joel found it amusing that Ellie was constantly worried about Sophie's potential third-wheel feelings in regards to what she and Joel might be doing.  They hadn't even done anything sexual since... he couldn't even remember when.  _...All the way back to my birthday?_   "Well, I can't say no to layin' on a bed with you."

"Yay!  Okay... this one over here..." Ellie yanked him by the arm toward a room close to the beach.  "You should be able to see Sophie out the window, I think."

"Very considerate of you."  The door was open.  Joel pulled Ellie back before she could step inside.  "Me first."

"We've already established that there's no one here!" Ellie protested, but she was laughing.

"Not to my satisfaction, we haven't."  Joel did an overly thorough walk-through just to amuse her further.  Then he stripped off his gear with exaggeratedly slow movements.

"Come _here_ already!" Ellie called from the bed.

"Jus' makin' myself a 'lil more comfortable -- hold your horses."  Joel made it look like he was going to sit on the bed, but instead, he got down on the floor to peer underneath it.

"Omigooooodddddd!  Joel!" Ellie groaned, tugging at his shirt.

"So impatient," he teased, finally crawling on to the bed -- and immediately toppling her on her back so he could climb on top of her and kiss her.  Only for a few moments, though; he didn't want to get carried away.  He rolled to her side and gathered her in the crook of his arm.  "I better stop..."

Ellie snorted.  "Why?  Not like I make you hard anymore anyway."

He didn't like the way she said it -- like it was her fault.  "I'm sorry about that.  It ain't you.  I'm jus' worn out."

"I know," she said, and he could hear the cringe in her voice.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it... I don't know why I even said that."

He petted her hair.  " 'Cause you're frustrated with the old man."

"No!  I'm really not, I swear!  And you're not old!"

Joel _felt_ old.  Like the years Ellie had taken off of him had crept back on.  If he could just get some decent sleep... "I'm fifty now," he reminded her.

"Not old!" she repeated.

He knew that to someone Ellie's age, twenty seemed old.  Even if she wouldn't admit it now.  "Old enough to... not have the same energy level that you do."

She lifted her head a little and looked at him earnestly.  "No -- Joel, no, that's not it.  I'm tired, too!  I seriously would rather just lay here than have sex.  Er... than do stuff.  Whatever.  Sex stuff."

Joel smiled.  "Thank you, baby girl, but you don' gotta lie to me."

"I'm not!  I fucking _swear_ I'm not lying!"

Maybe she wasn't; her interest did seem to have waned.  She _had_ been really sick only a couple weeks ago.  She still hadn't completely recovered from that -- she did tire more easily than she used to.  Joel tried not to worry about that too much.  They'd slowed their pace considerably once they reached the coast anyhow.  "All right, I believe you.  But... about that..."

"About what?"

Now was as good a time as any to tell her.  "The... sex thing.  I think... I think maybe it's time."

"What do you mean 'it's time'?"

"...I think we've waited long enough."

Ellie's eyes were practically bulging out of her head as his meaning dawned on her.  She propped herself up on one arm to look him in the eye.  "What?  You wanna _have sex???"_

"I've always _wanted_ to."

"You know what I mean!  Holy shit... you're not messing with me, are you?  Cuz if you are, that's such a dick move that--"

"I ain't messin' with you,” he laughed.

"But... we were just talking about how you can't get it up."

He laughed again at that -- at her bluntness as well as the confused look on her face.  He kissed her cute little freckly nose.  "I don' mean right this second."

"Oh.  I can help you with that, you know..."  Her hand started crab-walking down his stomach.

He grabbed it and brought it up to his lips.  "I don' mean right now... at all.  You really think I want our first time to be when we're both tired an' achy an' whatnot, an' Sophie's down there waitin' for you?"

"Guess not." Ellie giggled softly.  Every little giggle was like music to Joel's ears now.  He wished he could bottle this current mood of hers so she could drink it whenever the sadness returned. 

"Damn straight I don't.  I don' know when, exactly... you have some say in that, too, you know.  I don' expect you to... just..."

"...spread 'em when you say 'go'?" Ellie quipped with a grin.

"Uh... right.  You're cute."

"I like being cute."  She kissed his jaw.  "You know what else I am?  _Happy!_  Happy that you're finally ready to take the huuuuuuge step!"

It was so backwards... the innocent young virgin being the one raring to go, and the dirty old man needing time to be 'ready.'  _That ain't the only thing that's backwards..._ he was pretty sure Ellie wanted to do it for the experience.  To satisfy her curiosity as well as her hormones.  Sure, she loved him, but... _well, maybe I ought to give her more credit.  We've messed around some... enough for her to get that there's an emotional aspect to it..._ and _that_ was what Joel was craving -- the intimacy.  The reassurance that she still... wanted him, that way.  He knew she loved him, needed him... it was the _wanting_ he hadn't been so sure of lately.  Ellie _had_ been afraid of the trip reverting them back to father-daughter status... true, she'd been worried about _his_ feelings changing, not her own, but... still.  He'd half expected her to have a lukewarm reaction to the idea of finally having sex: _"It's okay, Joel, really.  We totally don't have to.  Let's just keep waiting."_   Hell, she had just told him right then that she'd rather just lay there than have sex...

"Hey."  Ellie interrupted his thoughts with a little kiss.  "You got quiet.  What are you thinking?"

He pulled her snugly against him again.  "Nothin'.  I, uh... think it'll be nice to have somethin' to look forward to."

"I already _do_ look forward to it.  -Wait... does that mean... nothing's really changed?" She looked at him with fresh concern.

"What do you mean?"

"You've said all along we'd have sex someday.  That's still what this is... right?  It's for a ~someday~ ...that we don't know yet."

"No, I mean... soon."

"But 'soon' in Joel time is _forever_ in Ellie time--"

" _Real_ soon.  Ellie-time soon."

"Really?  Cuz I thought you didn't want to do it like... right now."

Joel snickered.  "Smartass.  Somewhere between Joel time an' Ellie time, then."

"But... more towards Ellie time on the spectrum?" she asked hopefully.

"Yes."  He gave her a squeeze.  "I do want to help Sophie out, an' I know you do, too.  But we're here now.  I think we've earned a little down time.  Some night when we find a relatively safe place to stay -- maybe somewhere like this -- we can call it a night a little early..."

"Some night when Sophie's not... oh, we can just _tell_ her now!"  Ellie cleared her throat and lowered her voice an octave to impersonate Joel.  " _'Sophie, leave us alone now... me'n'Ellie are gonna f-- no, I don' use that word.  We're gonna MAKE LOVE.  You go keep watch, all right?'_ "

"Good idea.  I'll tell her exactly like that."  She was just too cute sometimes.  Joel kissed her nose -- again.  "But, yeah... a day when we're well-rested... after a decent meal..."

"Like when we've shot a couple rabbits or something."

"Yes."

"And we'll eat strawberries!"

 

They'd hit pay dirt with the strawberries recently.  "Strawberries.  Sure."

"And... champagne?"

"Definitely.  If we find any."  Which they surely wouldn't, but it was a sweet fantasy.

She started kissing him all over his face, and he laughed, enjoying her enthusiasm.  "Can you tell me?" she asked.  "Like... the morning of.  Can you tell me 'today's the day'... so I'll know?"

"I jus' told you, the circumstances have to be right.  I won' know right away.  You can think of it as... a possibility, I s'pose..."

"Like, starting tomorrow?  Every night could be the night?"

"If you're really ready, 'cause I ain't so sure that--"

"Oh my God, Joel, I've been ready for like... _years!"_

"Years?"  Joel snorted.  "Since you were... twelve or thirteen, then?  Uh-huh."

"If I knew I was gonna meet you?  Fuck yeah!"

She was just so... _thrilled_ , at the prospect of having sex with him soon.  _And so adorable!_  He felt a little silly now for thinking anything had changed.  He kissed her softly.  "I don' want you to... explode from the excitement, or nothin'..."

"I won't!"

"You're gettin' all worked up..."

"I'm not!  I can handle it!  What if, like... we find out Alex went to somewhere far away.  Like Boston or something."

"Oh hell, don' even say that.  Ugh."  _And I think I'm tired NOW?_... just the _thought_ of a trip that long wore him out.

"Could we have sex before we go?"

" _If_ we go.  I ain't committin' us to that."  Joel snorted.  "But... yes, even if her brother went to... the moon.  Wherever.  Yes."

"The moon?  Hey, that'd be pretty cool.  People used to go up there in your time!  Maybe we could find a way!"

Joel had to laugh at that.  Ellie had grilled him about space travel one day after seeing some books on planets and shit in the library -- and he'd laughed then, too, when she had come home and asked him, not even jokingly, if he'd ever visited another planet.  She'd learned about space in school back in Boston as well, but hadn't really believed all that she read.  Many things pre-Cordyceps sounded like bullshit to her, but she'd deduced that there were too many official-looking books on this subject for all of it to be merely science fiction.  "Hardly anyone did that, Ellie.  I mean... a handful of people.  All specially-trained.  It wasn' like catchin' a bus.  We've got trains now... an' cars -- military vehicles, anyway -- I think we'd work our way back up to regular ol' airplanes before gettin' around to flyin' spaceships to the moon."

"Well, you're the one who said he could be on the moon," she said defensively.  "I know you weren't being serious, but still... you put it out there."

"We'll stick to your example, then.  Boston.  That's about as far away as you can comprehend, ain't it?"

"You already said yes so it doesn't matter," she declared.  "It's not just like a one-time thing, though, right?  We'd get to keep doing it as much as we want?"

Joel sighed in mock exasperation.  "You really want to wear out the old man, don't you."

"You're not old!"

"I ain't young."

"You're in between.  Whatever -- so it's going to happen... really soon.  You're not gonna change your mind about this, are you?"

"Nope.  I promise."

She squealed and hugged him exuberantly.  "Wow, Joel... thank you!  You have no idea how happy you've made me."

He chuckled.  "That's the other thing... don' expect too much.  I'll do what I can, but... it'll prob'ly hurt... you might not even like it."

"It won't hurt if we do it like I said.  And of course I'll like it!  With you... how could I not?  I _love_ you."

_Aww._   "Sweet girl.  I love you, too."  He'd actually forgotten about her 'brilliant' put-it-in-soft scheme.

"Can I ask... why now?  I seriously thought you might try to make me wait until I'm eighteen or something."

"I might... _try_ to make you wait?"

"Well... yeah.  I would try to... make you _not_ wait that long.  But I wasn't even trying and you said yes anyway. I haven't even been thinking that we would do it any time soon... fuck, we haven't even done _anything_ in like... _months_.  Many a moon, as Sophie would say."

"Weeks, maybe.  Not months."

She was quiet for a moment.  "Joel... you're not just doing this because... you're trying to make me happy... are you?  I mean... like with telling Sophie.  I wanted to tell her, you said no, then all of a sudden you're like 'let's tell her.'  Same thing with sex.  Are you just... trying to... I dunno..."

"What -- give you everythin' you want to make you feel better?  Even if it ain't what I really want?"

"Yeah."

He could see the wheels spinning in her brain.  _Nothing gets by her!_   _She knows something's up.._.  It just wasn't quite what she thought it was (and he didn't see the point in laying his bizarre insecurities on her).  She could've kept that suspicion to herself and been content in getting her way, but instead, she had thought about how it might affect _him_.  He squeezed her again.  "I can see why you might think that.  An' I love you for bein' concerned about it.  But no.  It ain't that."

He felt her relax a little... presumably in relief.  "Okay.  So... why now?"

"Good question.  I don' know if I can put my finger on it." _...whoops, not the best choice of words..._

"Really?  Can you try?  Please?  I wanna know."

No naughty joke.  This time, though, he didn't attribute it to her troubling moodiness; they were having a serious conversation, and she was mature enough to let that slide to keep it serious.  In case teasing him might derail them or something.  _Hell, maybe she didn't even notice -- so I AM the one with the dirty mind!_   "All right.  I'll try."  Joel settled her against him again and began tracing circles on her arm.  "When I thought I might lose you..."

"Are you gonna make me cry?"

"No.  Maybe.  I don' know."

"Sorry -- go on.  I don't care if I cry."

Joel gave her a squeeze.  "So... there's somethin' about goin' through shit that makes a person... or makes _me_..." He cleared his throat.  "Let me start over.  Remember when I thought you were missin', but it was that Eli kid, not you..."

"Yeah.  _Major_ fuck-up by that guard."

"An' when I found you... it was like I couldn' keep my hands off you.  I wanted to just..."

"... just what?"

"You get the picture."

"Not really... draw me the picture?"

He kissed the top of her head.  "I guess I really wanted to... express my love, corny as that sounds."

"Aww.  Not corny."

Except it _was_ corny.  "Anyway... it wasn' even like that, this time.  I guess 'cause you were sick.  But... the intensity of those feelin's... this was so much worse, because I _knew_ you were in trouble this time, an' I... couldn' help you..."

"I'm sorry.  I _hate_ that I put you through all that."

"Not your fault, baby girl."  He still hadn't told her that it was _his_ fault.  Maybe he never would; telling her would ease some of the guilt, because she would be too understanding, too forgiving... and he didn't deserve that.  He hadn't told her about the poor guy he'd killed in the church, either.  That was more for her sake than his -- she might feel like _she_ was the cause of an innocent person's death.  "The sex part... I s'pose the idea started rollin' around in my head more when you started gettin' better.  I had the very same thought I had that first time:  _what the hell are we waitin' for?"_

Ellie smiled.  "You thought that?  Way back then... and we still didn't do it."

"I talked myself out of it.  Thought I was thinkin' with... the wrong head, as they say.  Thinkin' with my dick instead of my brain."

"...What?  How could you think..."

"You know I ain't supposed to... want that... want _you_... that way.  My head knows that.  My body don' seem to, much of the time.  But I'm done tryin' to reconcile the two, because..."  _Because WHY?  I get a little paranoid and suddenly none of the wrongness matters?  She ain't even acting that weird anymore -- I can't really use that as an excuse... piss-poor excuse though it is..._

She reached over and pulled on his arm, trying to get him to roll onto his side... like she wanted to be face to face without having to look up at him.  He obliged, tangling his legs with hers.  She caressed his cheek.  "Joel... I could've told you all along it's never been your dick that you're thinking with.  It's not your brain, either.  It's your _heart."_

That... was brilliant, actually.  It was so simple, and made too much damn sense.  "Well, you've always been smarter than me about all this."

"I know you love me.  Lots.  More than anyone ever has.  There's no way it could be... about anything else."

That was easy for her to say; she wasn't the one with the dick, which definitely did trump his head -- if not his heart -- at times.  "See, you believe that because you're young an' sweet an' innocent."

"Are we seriously going to have this argument again?"  But she said it gently, with laughter in her voice.

"No.  But... you happen to be right.  An' it jus' seems like... we've come this far, right or wrong--"

"It's not wrong."

"Right or wrong," he repeated, "we've... already gone down that rabbit hole, to an extent."

"Rabbit hole?"

"It seems to me that... we're in love, and... it's real.  An' havin' sex... if it's makin' love... that's as close as two people can be.  Why _wouldn't_ I want to share that with you?  An' the age thing... I don' know.  I don' know why I'm okay with that now when I wasn' before.  I think... the main thing is, I don' think you'll be worse off, after.  I know you don' understand why I would ever think that you might be.  Or why it's selfish of me, to want to, uh... well, be with you, that way.  Maybe jus' bein' out of Jackson cleared my head some.  Sophie bein' good with it, too.  I don' feel so much like a dirty old man takin' advantage of an innocent girl.  I'm just... a guy, who loves a girl, an' wants to be with her.  Am I makin' any sense?"

She didn't cry, but her eyes were a little wet.  She nodded.  "Yeah.  Perfect sense.  I love you soooo much."  She scooted in and kissed him.  "Thank you, Joel.  You're awesome."

"Not really."  He chuckled.  "If somethin' bad has to happen to you to make me feel like it's right for us to be together... that's pretty goddamn stupid.  I couldn' stand it if somethin' else happened, so... I reckon I better remedy the situation, quick."

She giggled.  "You're cute."

"No, _you're_ the cute one.  I think maybe you better go check on your friend down there.  She's prob'ly missin' you."

"Okay.  You can get some rest... you can see us from the window, remember, see?  There she is..."  Ellie had to sit up to see out the window, though.

Until she'd rolled him over, Joel had been glancing out the window regularly.  He couldn't see much, though.  That was the problem with windows -- they just framed a tiny portion of the world, from one angle.  His body might be able to snatch a little bit of rest here, but since he couldn't shut his brain off, the quality wouldn't be great.  "Right.  Go on.  I'll come down in a bit.  Put your gun back on."

She lingered another few moments to kiss him goodbye, he reminded her again about the gun -- she just grabbed it from the holster and tucked it into the waist of her jeans -- then she was gone.

Joel did lay there... for about thirty seconds.  That's about how long it took the panic to start taking hold.  He sat up and looked out the window... watched as Ellie walked up next to Sophie and sat down... took off her socks and shoes... _she's fine.  She's right there._

His head knew that, but his heart didn't (and his dick had no interest in the matter).  His head added to his heart's case, though, by telling him he couldn't keep watch very well from this little room.  He stood up, strapped his gear back on, and headed outside to take a good, appraising look around the place.  He could do a little pointless clue-hunting from the pavilion and keep an eye out -- and an eye on Ellie -- at the same time.  He figured he wouldn't bother her... she wouldn't even notice him, in the background as he was... but she turned and waved at him.  _That's my girl... still alert_ , he thought proudly.

And that smile she flashed him was her _I'm on to you_ smile -- actually, that look was more like _I'm on to you but I get it and it's okay_.  He was lucky Ellie didn't feel smothered by him; if anything, she seemed to love him all the more for his paranoia.

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, they'd found no clues to go on whatsoever -- and they'd checked out another Sands country club (Crystal Sands), which had turned out to be as deserted as the first (more so, actually, because it had no Infected).  But there was something different about the place they were headed... it was Joel who saw it first -- or rather, he sensed it, somehow.  They were following a rock formation close to the coast... Sophie on the horse, Joel and Ellie on foot.  Joel beckoned Sophie over and shushed all of them, telling them to listen.

It was quiet for about ten seconds before Ellie said, "I just hear the wind and the ocean, like always."  Sophie seconded this.

"I hear... ... ...the wind an' the ocean," Joel conceded.  "Maybe nothin' else.  But... I wouldn' be surprised if there's people on the other side of this thing."

"Normal people or infected people?" asked Ellie.

"Either one.  Sophie, hang back a little... let me an' Ellie go ahead."  He would have reduced that to only himself, but he knew Ellie wouldn't stand for that -- and besides, he didn't think he could bear to let her out of his sight with possible dangers lurking.  This was the lesser of two evils, as he couldn't protect her when he wasn't _with_ her.  More likely than not, if some unseen sniper got a little trigger-happy, the bullets would fly toward himself before Ellie, buying her maybe just enough reaction time to save herself.  Given the choice, he knew _he_ would certainly take aim at some grizzly dude over a slip of a girl, even if she was armed. 

He wasn't planning on getting shot today, though.  He'd rather not deal with any flying bullets whatsoever.  Hell, Ellie had practically burned her hand off for him -- he wouldn't put it past her to try to take a goddamn bullet for him as well.  _Even though she knows full well that ain't how that shit's supposed to go down..._ if she died, so would he, so her gallant gesture would be in vain.  But he could prevent that scenario simply by doing his job.  He surveyed the area in every direction, including behind them.  "There's some kind of facility up there... up the hill..."

"A big one," Ellie remarked.  "And a parking lot, over there... look, there's a minibus..."

"A shuttle.  Looks like another fancy resort."

"Ooooohhh!  Look at the sign!" Ellie exclaimed.  "See it, Soph?"

Sophie squinted at the sign Ellie was pointing to.  "My eyes aren't as good as yours, girl.  Yet you're the one with the binoculars."  And Ellie wasn't even using them currently.

Joel couldn't read it, either... _it don't matter -- I don't think Ellie will be able to contain her excitement long enough to make us guess at--_

"It says Golden Sands!  _SANDS!_   And Joel's spidey senses were tingling -- this could be it!"

Joel always found it amusing when Ellie referenced things from the old world that he didn't think she really knew much about (especially when she referenced them incorrectly; this time, though, she was pretty spot on).  He saw the smile start to spread across Sophie's face.  Before she could kick the horse into gear, he called to her, "Hold your horses -- literally -- we don' know what-- _Ellie!"_ He lunged forward and grabbed her arm, catching her in the moment she'd started to bolt.  "You, too."

"We _have_ to go look in there, Joel!" she complained, jerking her arm free.

"We will.  Cautiously.  Even if these are friendlies, they might not take too kindly to us runnin' in there, guns blazin'--"

"Okay, well, can't we be cautious just a little faster?"  Ellie started tugging him onward by the hand. 

Sophie continued to let them take the lead.  "It's okay.  Might just be more Infected, right?"

When they reached the grounds of the country club or whatever it was, Joel borrowed the binoculars Ellie wasn't even using to see if he could see anything.  The parking lot was straight ahead of them, the building off to the right.  There was a circular drive leading up an incline to the main entrance, although there was an entrance on the ground level, too, nestled in the 'arms' of that drive.  The ground floor doors appeared to be boarded up or otherwise blocked... actually, the second floor's did, too, but if the architecture was any indication, that was meant to be the primary entrance.  He handed the binoculars back to Ellie.  "Let's go up the drive there..."

"Is that a _church bell?"_ Sophie mused as she looked at the... well, it _had_ to be a church bell.  It looked very out of place, strung up somewhat haphazardly between two gigantic palms beside the walkway.  There was a rope wrapped around a... something jutting out from another palm behind the bell.

"What the fuck?"  Ellie studied it, too, as they got closer.  "Can we ring it, Joel?"

Joel was pretty sure he could hear the thrum of voices, of human sounds, as an undercurrent of the wind and water sounds now... nothing distinct.  "Well... I reckon if we were thieves, we wouldn' ring the bell when tryin' to get inside.  Maybe they'll reckon the same.  Go ahead."

Ellie undid the rope and very enthusiastically rang the thing -- and the motherfucker was _loud_.  Joel was suddenly reminded of the bell that had been ringing in that town in Colorado -- yet another time when he'd been looking for Ellie.  He shoved the unpleasant memory back into the box it had sprung from. 

She rang it a few times, then he shooed her aside.  "Be ready to take cover," he cautioned.  "Stay by that tree."  He had his hand poised over the Shorty, but didn't draw the weapon; hopefully whoever answered the bell wouldn't assume the worst of him.

"I should wrap the rope back on the--"

"Don' worry about that right now.  Both of you -- look around, 'cause I ain't sure where they'll be comin' from."

They waited... and waited...

"Should I ring it again?" Ellie wondered.

Movement in a window two stories up -- well, technically three, if you counted the story beneath them -- caught Joel's eye; it was the top story of the building.  He saw a man... a man with bushy gray hair and a beard as long as Santa's.  "Top left window, you see that?" Joel said to the girls.  The man held up his index finger in what Joel assumed was a 'just a minute' gesture, because he abruptly disappeared.

"People!" Ellie squealed.  She turned to Sophie.  "If that was your brother, he sure got old fast!"

Sophie laughed nervously.  "I don't recognize that guy..."

Joel figured the only place the guy could come out to greet them was the wrought-iron gate he'd spied to the south, but he was wrong -- the man walked out on the roof of the second/first floor, to the parapet.  "Can I help you folks?"

Joel noted that the guy wasn't pointing a gun at them, which put him just a smidge more at ease.  "We're lookin' for a man," he replied.  Then he noticed the top of something that could have been a rifle, leaning against the parapet, within the guy's reach.

"His name is Alex," Sophie added excitedly.  "Alex Larson.  He's my brother.  He was looking to join a group in Monterey, so..."

"Your brother, you say?"  The man studied her for a moment.  "What's your name?"

"Sophie!"

"Huh.  I do believe that may be the right name, but Alex said there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell you'd ever show up here."

Both girls let out a delighted whoop.  Sophie scrambled down off of Poppy, and Ellie practically jumped on Sophie by way of a hug.  Joel wasn't ready to join in the celebration just yet; he kept watching the man warily.  He didn't get a bad vibe from the guy... but still.  Sophie could've given him any name at all, and the man could _say_ it was the right one, that there was an Alex there...

"I had a little help!" Sophie explained.  "I never could've done it alone."

The man looked the trio over appraisingly.  "He didn't mention that you had yourself a man, though..."

Sophie laughed and disentangled herself from Ellie.  "Oh, he's not mine -- he's hers."

Joel watched Ellie try -- and fail -- not to look shocked by that announcement.  It made him raise an eyebrow himself.

"Beg your pardon.  Alright, you just hold on a second and I'll go get him for ya.  We'll come over to that gate on your left."  He disappeared from the parapet.

"Why did you say that?!" Ellie stage-whispered to Sophie, as if the dude could hear them.

"It doesn't have to be like _that_ ," Sophie said airily.  "I guess it _sounds_ like that, but I mean... you guys are joined like family.  Whatever way you wanna look at it, he's yours, not mine.  I can't believe we finally did it!  Omigooooooood you guys!"  She tried to pull both Joel and Ellie into a brief group hug, but Joel resisted.

"Don' celebrate 'til we know for sure that it's Alex."

Ellie whacked him in the arm.  "How many other Alex Larsons could there be, Joel?  _Relax_ already!"

"Maybe he's never even heard of Alex or Sophie.  He didn' give us any information; we gave it to him."  Which was smart of the man.  Joel respected that.  "It's prob'ly fine.  We jus' don' know for sure."

"If he was gonna shoot us, he would've done it already, right?" Ellie reasoned.

"Or he could've invited us inside to get his hands on Poppy first," Sophie suggested.

"You're starting to think like us!" Ellie declared, laughing.  She turned to Joel.  "This is _it_ , Joel, can't you feel it?  This is it!"

Joel knew Ellie was happy for Sophie, but he was pretty sure she was also thinking about another possible benefit of finding Alex -- a more self-serving one.  "Sit tight, kiddo."

"I'm not gonna sit, and I don't even know how to do that... tightly," Ellie teased.  She wrapped her arms around Joel's waist.  "So cuz of Sophie's little comment, is everyone gonna think you're _my man?"_ she asked happily, looking up at him with a coy smile.

Joel hugged her close, but he still felt uneasy enough to stay alert and not let himself get completely distracted by her.  "I think it's like she said... it could mean... whatever."  _Ellie's so pretty when she's happy... she's pretty all the time, of course, but when she's happy, it just completely lights her up_.  He forced himself to look back through the gate, and up at the parapet, and even that window on the top floor.  "Maybe they _will_ assume it, though.  Maybe we'll let 'em.  It's the truth."

"What?  Are you serious?!"

He looked at her again... and gave her a quick kiss.  "I don' know.  Maybe?"  He started walking her to their left, to get a better view through the bars of the gate.

Sophie walked with them.  "Maybe if you don't even give people the _chance_ to think you're father and daughter, they'd just accept it?  I mean... it's kinda creepy to think of it like you're father and daughter and then somewhere down the road, it just... changes."

"Even though that's... sort of how it happened?"  Ellie said, giggling.

Sophie snorted.  "Yeah.  But they don't know you.  Even Alex doesn't really... Joel, you worked with him for like, what -- a month, before he left?"

"And I don't even remember exactly what he looks like," said Ellie.  "I only saw him like once or twice maybe?"

"We didn' know each other well, no, but he definitely thinks I regard Ellie as my daughter," Joel remarked.  "So I don' know what he would think."  _Or if I give two shits what he thinks..._ "First things first, though.  Let's jus' see how this thing plays..." Before he finished that thought, a man came into view, running toward the gate from inside, with a woman in tow.  This guy was younger than the one who greeted them... _COULD be Alex..._

"Oh my-- heyyy!"  Sophie rushed up to the gate and grabbed the rungs, as if she could just yank it open.

"Sopieee!" the guy called as he too rushed toward the gate -- and now Joel could see it was indeed Alex.  Sophie started chattering to him excitedly, not letting Alex get a word in edgewise. 

"Did he just call her _Soapy_?" Ellie asked Joel.

"That's what I heard, too." Joel relaxed enough to put his arm around Ellie.  His right hand was still a split second away from pulling a gun if needed.  The young woman caught up to them, and Sophie seemed to know her, so Joel assumed she was the one Alex had gone looking for.

"It's over!" Ellie declared gleefully.  "There's supposed to be a fat lady singing somewhere, right?"

Joel smiled a little at the memory of her face the first time he'd used that expression.  "That's right."

Alex and the Santa guy worked the gate open, with some difficulty, as it was a rusty old gate and not electrically powered like Jackson's.  As soon as it was open enough for Sophie to fit through it, she yanked her brother into a hug.  Joel thought they might hug for a good long while, seeing as how they hadn't seen each other in months, but Sophie seemed to have had her fill of that after approximately five seconds, and she pulled back.  "I should smack you, you know!"

"Here we go," Joel said under his breath as he heard Alex start defending himself.

"I would smack _you_ if you did that to me," Ellie remarked quietly, though she needn't have bothered lowering her voice with the siblings conversing so loudly.  "Leaving like that?  No 'should' about it, either -- I'd just do it."

"You would?  Damn, I guess I better reconsider my plans," said Joel, smirking a little... and resisting the urge to give her a kiss, as Santa had opened the gate a little further and was now walking towards them.

"Name's Raymond," he announced, extending a hand to Joel.  "Call me Ray."

"Joel."  Joel shook his hand firmly.  "An' this is Ellie."

Ray offered his hand for Ellie to shake, too, which seemed to surprise and delight her.  "Nice to meet you folks.  Why don't you come on in -- bring your horse -- and I'll give you a tour while these two duke it out.  Or kiss'n'make up.  Whichever."  The two were hugging again, so perhaps it would be the latter.

"Okay!"  Ellie looked at Joel for a second, and when he didn't raise any objections, bounced over to fetch Poppy.

Alex extracted himself from Sophie's clutches and stepped outside the gate to come and clap Joel on the shoulder -- in what Ellie liked to call a 'man hug.'  "Joel!  Talk about above and beyond the call of duty.  I never meant you had to..." He made a vague hand-wave-y gesture.  As Ellie approached with the horse, he tossed a _"hey, Ellie"_ her way.  "I mean... _damn_ , dude."

"It's all right.  Ellie an' I were happy to do it," Joel assured him.  _No need to explain WHY we were happy to leave Jackson..._ it was nice to meet (or re-meet) people who hadn't heard any ugly rumors.

Ellie stopped leading Poppy to the gate and looked at Alex suspiciously.  "You're talking about the trip?  Why would he _have_ to?"

"Yeah, he didn't have to -- I _asked_ him to," said Sophie.

"Well, sure, but-- -Holy crap.  You didn't even _tell_ her?" Alex laughed, dumbfounded.

Joel gave a little shrug.  " _You_ didn't, so I reckoned she didn' need to know."

"Know what?" Sophie and Ellie asked at the same time, which made them each giggle a little.

"Why don' we talk about that later," Joel suggested.

"Later!" Ray agreed.  "After the grand tour.  Right this way."  They all filed through the gate after him.

"I'm coming, too!" cried Sophie. 

"Hang on, now, we gotta close this thing," said Alex.  "And it's a real bitch."

Joel could see that the gate was indeed a pain in the ass.  The rusty hinges and the fact that it dragged on the pavement made it difficult to budge.  "We could prob'ly--"

"I know," Alex cut him off with a smirk.  "But they like it that way.  When in Rome, I guess.  Go ahead, though, I got it.  I'll catch up."

"Rome?  Aren't we in Monterey?" Ellie asked, but before anyone could explain, she was gasping and pointing at things in every direction, flushed with excitement.  "I can hear the ocean from here!  Are those all like houses down there?  It's so pretty-- I don't remember seeing any of those pink flowers outside-- oh, you guys have horses!  And a paddock!  You don't happen to have a palomino that like... just recently showed up, do you?  No, that's dumb, of course you don't."  But she looked at Ray hopefully anyway.

"Can't say we do.  Those two you can see there... those are the only ones we got.  We should head that way first, get your horse settled."

"Can we see the beach first?" Ellie requested instead.  "Pops likes the beach."

"That's the horse," Sophie clarified quickly.  "Poppy, actually."

"Who else would-- oh, you mean like, Joel?" Ellie giggled.  "He's definitely _not_ my... papa."

Joel liked Sophie's suggestion of not letting people even get the father-daughter idea in their heads before making it clear what their relationship was... but that didn't mean he was eager to announce it to everyone, either.  Plenty of time to sort that out later.  "If you don' mind," he said to Ray, "I'd like to keep her with us for now.  What with all the bags an' everythin'."

"Not a problem -- your life is packed up in there," Ray said agreeably.  "On your backs, too, looks like.  Changing course -- right _this_ way, then..."

Joel wanted to tell Ellie to stay alert; they'd only been here a few minutes and she was acting like they were in Jackson.  _But_ \-- it was refreshing to see her let her guard down (outside of the ocean, that is)... to see her become animated at the prospect of new people to talk to... and as long as _he_ was watchful, it wasn't an issue.  He certainly wasn't getting bad vibes from the place.  If they were going to stay there for any length of time, he'd have to check the perimeter and see how secure the place really was, if there were any exploitable weaknesses...

Ellie eagerly drank in their surroundings, happily peppering Ray with questions she could barely wait to hear the answers to before asking more... she also drifted back to add to the conversation between Sophie, Alex, and Alex's girl, Nina... she grabbed Joel's arm to squeal about this or that (oftentimes just repeating what Ray had told her -- as if Joel hadn't just heard it as well)... she wanted to skip ahead to get to the beach... she was a bit overstimulated, to say the least.  _Where the hell is she getting the energy from?_ he mused.  Joel took Poppy from her so she could bounce around more freely.

They walked through a very Californian courtyard, replete with palms and overgrown shrubs, glimpsing hotel suites on either side of them (Ray said all the bungalows were closer to the beach).  The place had running water, no electricity.  Joel was curious about that, but figured those questions would keep.  And it was huge; they couldn't see everything that Ray referred to from where they were.  Apparently, to their left was the paddock and stables, a chicken coop, and buildings that used to form a sort of interior strip mall, with shops and cafés, a spa, a gym... and to their right, a pool (another empty one -- and again, Ellie had to wonder why anyone in the old days would swim in a dinky pool when the ocean was _right there_ ), an entertainment pavilion... even a goddamn golf course.  Only six holes, but still.  Ray said it was functional, maintained with the help of a goat (Ellie squealed when she caught sight of said goat in the distance, chowing down on some weeds by the tennis court) -- although they didn't have many golf balls, so it was kind of a pain in the ass if you lost one in the rough because you'd have to hunt it down and retrieve it before continuing.  This was the sort of establishment Joel never would have patronized in a million years, back in the day.  The beach had a boardwalk that wasn't in as sad of shape as most that they'd seen along the coast, and the terrace where residents usually took their meals was just off of it, adjoining the main restaurant.

Ellie did bound ahead of them to get a good look at the beach, which she stared at for about ten seconds before bounding back to drag Joel by the hand toward it, chiding him for being so slow.  "Look!  Look!" she exclaimed when they reached the end of their path, pulling up against the railing beside a staircase that descended to the beach, some twenty feet or so below them.

They'd seen plenty of beaches by now... plenty of ocean.  But Joel knew what Ellie was marveling at this time -- this one had _people:_ plain old regular people -- not hunters, not Infected.  Two kids building a sandcastle (or some variant thereof).  A woman near the kids, lounging under an umbrella.  Three people in the water.  A couple of guys tossing a football to each other in the surf.  Everyone down there made up about a third of their population, according to Ray.  It was hardly what anyone would call _crowded_ \-- but it was something.

_It's something, all right..._ Ellie looked like she could cry.  Joel didn't exactly get choked up himself, but he wasn't completely unaffected.  It was a scene straight out of a movie, or a dream.  And though it was too early to know for sure what sort of place this was -- how safe it was, how welcome he and Ellie would be... _especially after they know_... Joel had a good feeling about it.  Not just a not-bad feeling, either -- a _good_ one.

Ellie turned and pulled him close to her so she could hug him -- actually, more so she could murmur to him without anyone hearing.  "Joel, I wanna stay here for the winter.  Can we?"

He chuckled.  "How 'bout we wait for a dinner invitation first, kiddo."

She grinned.  "Oh yeah, huh.  Well... that's a technicality.  Hey can I kiss you real quick before the others catch up?  We're sort of hidden behind Poppy... okay, so not really..."

Joel held her face in his hands and gave her one sweet little kiss... a kiss that lingered a bit too long to be perfectly chaste.  _If they're gonna throw stones -- literally -- let 'em do it now._

Ellie was beaming at him.  "Love you," she whispered before he lifted his head.  He wrapped his arms around her.

Ray pulled up beside them first, as Alex was a few paces behind; Joel was sure they'd both seen the embrace.  Alex started saying something Joel didn't catch because Sophie was shushing him with promises of _"later"_... Joel didn't look at any of them.  Ellie, he noticed, was looking at Ray expectantly.  Maybe even defiantly.  Like _"I dare you to tell me this is sick and wrong."_ Joel even found himself holding his breath, waiting for the man to lay into him... or whatever he was going to do...

"Gorgeous view from up here," Ray remarked.  "Especially at sunset.  You'll see at dinner.  You're planning on at least staying the night, I take it?  We'll get a place ready for you.  What's your pleasure:  north, south, or bungalow?"


	43. New Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song by Dua Lipa.

It was a little strange to be around so many people again, though after only a couple months away from civilization (as opposed to the ten or so on their last trip), Joel reckoned they'd get used to it again pretty quickly.  And this place had only a tenth as many people as Jackson did.  He had to admit... he was pretty damn relaxed at the moment, sitting before a campfire at sunset, his belly relatively full, Ellie leaning against him, some hippie dude whose name escaped him strumming a guitar (and oh, how Ellie's eyes lit up when she saw that guitar!).

Not so relaxed that he didn't still have a gun on his hip, though. 

Joel had assumed that the first man they'd met, Ray, held some sort of position of authority in the community, but according to him, there actually wasn't any sort of leadership at all.  Ellie's reaction of _"So everyone just does whatever they want all the time?"_ was answered with a 'pretty much.'  Joel didn't quite buy it, though.  Maybe they didn't have all the protocols and schedules and shit that Jackson did, but people fell into certain roles, and things came to be expected of them.  It was like that everywhere, and from what Joel had seen so far, this place was no exception.  People policed themselves here as they did in Jackson, but there wasn't a Tommy or a Maria to complain to if that didn't work out.  Almost all the residents had come to be here through knowing another resident, and while that didn't mean people would always get along, Joel hoped it meant they were all decent folks, at the very least.  That is, if he and Ellie were invited to stay, and if they accepted the invitation.  If they were leaving... well, he supposed he would still care, for Sophie's sake, but Alex would look out for her.  It was going to be a little disconcerting to not know where Sophie was every minute; now that the job was over, he just had to break the habit.  It wasn't the same worrisome feeling he would have about Ellie, who still hadn't really left his sight, aside from potty breaks (and only barely, then)... but that would have to change.  _Maybe... maybe not.  One thing at a time._

Since they were at least spending the night, they had been escorted to an unoccupied room earlier.  It was on the south side of the grounds; the bungalows down by the beach were nicer, but too populated for Joel's liking ('safety in numbers' be damned), and Ellie said she didn't care where they stayed, as long as they were together.  The place had once been some fancy-shmancy resort, fancier than that first one where they'd found the Infected; all of the rooms were actually suites -- with a little kitchenette, a dining/living area, and a couple of bedrooms.  Ellie got a kick out of their 'room' being larger than their house in Jackson.  Joel didn't like the fact that the doors didn't lock.  Since people couldn't exactly program card keys these days, someone had rigged them all to stay unlocked.  They could be bolted from the inside, which was good... but he didn't like leaving his gear where anyone could get at it when he wasn't there.  Ray told him everyone pretty much shared everything as it was -- even clothing, in some cases.  They didn't have much by way of possessions... not unlike Jackson, except this place didn't have a library full of books and music and movies and games -- they didn't have electricity, so there wouldn't be movies anyhow (unless someone had a functioning battery-powered dvd player?  The way Joel remembered it, those things hadn't even worked well back in the day), and Ellie would have a tough time finding any cassettes she could play in her Walkman.  The community wasn't entirely without music, though: they had the guitar guy... and singing.

Ray told them that every night, people sat around the fire pit.  Not necessarily every person, every night, but there was always something going on down there.  Ellie had gotten excited about that, too.  Joel had to admit that he liked the sound of that himself, and not just for Ellie's sake.  He sure did miss live music, and if everyone truly shared everything here, he could play that guitar himself some time.  Maybe continue giving Ellie guitar lessons.  Entertainment options were limited at night, with no electricity and not a lot of lighting options, so Joel could understand why the campfire thing was popular.

Everyone had introduced themselves at dinner, and Joel wouldn't be surprised if Ellie had committed all their names to memory already.  The meal had been served on the expansive patio, overlooking the beach, and that's where it was just about every night, weather permitting.  It consisted of fish -- also as it did just about every night, bounty permitting.  They had one guy who liked to go hunting with his son, but they didn't go out that often, and when they did, they didn't usually score enough for everyone.  The gang relied more on the fishermen/-women for sustenance, and people they called gatherers, who mostly gathered fruit and nuts (and they did a good job, too, judging by the picked-clean look Joel had observed of the trees and bushes in the area before they arrived)... and there were some canned goods, though when Ellie asked where those came from, someone had uttered an ominous "you don't want to know" (which, naturally, only made Ellie more determined to find out).  Anyway, the residents had found some good harbors for fishing on the Outside, and they even had a little boat they could row out into the ocean.  Not exactly the sort of 'fishing boat' Joel had imagined when Sophie first told him about all this, but it was something.

Ray may not have named himself the leader, but it sure looked that way to Joel.  He did admit to being 'kind of like head of security' -- although they had no guards.  He was the only one who carried a gun inside the premises.  Ray and his wife Janelle had founded the community with eight people, and now they had twenty-one (they'd also lost some along the way, for various reasons).  Twenty-four if Joel, Ellie, and Sophie stayed.  Joel remembered Sophie talking about possibly persuading her brother to go back to Jackson, with or without the girl, Nina (and from the looks of things, it would be _with,_ or he probably wouldn't go), but they would most likely stay here over the winter as well, to avoid traveling through blizzards -- or having to deal with blizzards in Jackson. 

The residents' ages ranged from six to sixty-one.  They didn’t announce their ages with their names… most appeared to be in their forties and fifties.  All of them were present for dinner, and now for 'campfire time'... Joel took advantage of the opportunity to size up each of them, all at once.  More men than women.  Only three kids, and one of them was a teenager: a boy, so Joel was especially wary of him.  The kid was happy to have another teenager around.  Joel couldn't blame him for that, but he didn't want him getting any ideas about Ellie -- and he figured the boy would be less than thrilled to learn that this teenager came with a fifty-year-old man attached... a package deal.  Nina was the youngest adult, at twenty-nine (a 'whopping' twelve-year age difference between her and Alex, they'd pointed out).  Joel didn't get a bad vibe off anyone from the get-go; however, that didn't mean he could completely drop his guard.

And he also couldn't completely relax until he'd checked the perimeter of the place, anyhow.  They said they'd had a few incidents with people ambushing them when the gates were open, but no one had ever infiltrated the place elsewhere.  Joel could see why, with the natural borders of rock and ocean accounting for most of it.  Someone _could_ come in from the ocean... someone who had the means to sail in from a neighboring beach or harbor.  It hadn't happened yet, according to the residents, but Joel wouldn't rule it out.  The invaders would be sitting ducks if they came in during the daytime, but what would stop someone from trying it at night?  As for the rocks... an enterprising person could find a way.  What would someone hope to accomplish by rappelling their way in, though?  One person couldn't do much alone, and even if they were armed, they'd have to be really bold or really stupid to attack the place single-handedly and expect to succeed.  But a group of hunters... they could cause some trouble.  Having a patrol similar to Jackson's would put Joel's mind a little more at ease, but unless someone asked for his input, it wasn't his place to try to change how things were run at Golden Sands.  _At least, not yet..._

Ray had understood why Joel and Ellie each wanted to carry a gun, and since Alex had vouched for them, he said it shouldn't be a problem.  And, just like Tommy had done last spring, Ray had assumed that in time, they would feel comfortable enough to give up the practice.  Apparently, that's how it had gone down with other newcomers.  Joel figured Ellie would get comfortable fairly quickly in a small group like this, which would only make him stay on his guard all the more.  But it wouldn't be like Outside -- it would be like Jackson.  Only without the rock-throwing and such... he could only hope.

He hadn't had a chance to talk to Ellie about Sophie's suggestion of just plain old not hiding anything before people could form other opinions of them... but when he'd kissed her in plain sight of Ray and Alex, she certainly hadn't seemed to mind.  He still wasn't sure how to describe what they were.  All they had confirmed was that they were not father and daughter, and they hadn't tempered that with 'but we may as well be,' or anything of the like.  If that made people wonder, so be it.  If the place was anything like Jackson, word would get around soon enough, assuming that Ray, Alex, or Sophie would be candid with any interested parties.  Ellie was acting the way she did when they were in public in Jackson, and Joel wasn't of a mind to just kiss her in front of the whole gang to make a point.  If anyone were to come right out and ask him about his relationship with Ellie, he would probably tell them it was none of their business -- which would most likely be construed as _"yes, we're fucking."_

The way they were sitting now... was not un-couple-like, but it wasn't like they were all over each other, either.  Ellie was quieter than usual.  She seemed a little overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed, but not unhappy.  She was just taking it all in, and Joel could tell she was listening attentively to the conversations around them as they all waited for the guitar guy to settle in and start playing.  Sophie sat on the other side of Ellie, and she looked happy; undoubtedly, a huge weight had been lifted off her when she'd found her brother alive and well.  Alex swore that he had no idea Sophie would've wanted to come with him; he thought since she was happy in Jackson, she would rather stay there, safe and comfortable, than go on some fool's quest with no guarantees.  Sophie, of course, pointed out that he could've just _asked_ her.  Joel wondered if Alex had been afraid Sophie might talk him out of going; he could hear echoes of himself and Ellie in their exchanges... and he could see both sides.  He had promised Ellie he would never leave her again, not even for short trips to the dam or the sister farm, but if she had died in Sacramento... _wouldn't it have been better for me to break my promise and have her be pissed at me for a while, rather than dead?!_

But then, she probably-- no, she _definitely_ \-- would have set out to find him.  Probably on her own.  Alex hadn't had to worry about that with Sophie because he knew she would be too scared -- especially since on that last trip they'd taken (to Jackson), her boyfriend had been killed.  It was nice to see the siblings getting along, although they also hadn't yet had a chance to talk privately yet.  And Ellie... she kept looking at them and smiling.  She was just so _happy_ for Sophie's happy ending.

A few people around the fire pit were smoking pot.  Joel had been offered some, which he'd declined, and he had to resist the urge to decline on Ellie's behalf when the person... didn't exactly _offer_ , but looked at her questioningly -- probably because she seemed so interested in it.  He knew she was curious about it, but she followed Joel's lead and just shook her head.    _"Maybe another night,"_ he'd murmured to her.  She said she'd never tried it back in Jackson, where it was meant to be used medicinally, but some people did manage to get their hands on some for recreational use -- that would've been really easy for her, working on the farm... wrong farm, but still.  They were all connected.  And Ellie was friendly with everyone on all three farms.

_She's pretty much friendly with everyone she meets_ , Joel mused.  He was glad she had other people to talk to now, at least for a little while.  Other people who would undoubtedly love her.  He knew she was happy to spend a lot of time with him, but when he observed her with others, it reminded him that she needed that.  He was selfish enough to not give two shits about depriving others of the joy of knowing her, but he didn't want to limit _her_.  To keep her from experiencing new things, from being exposed to other points of view; he just had to be there as her safety net in the process, and hope that she would continue to share things -- and talk through things -- with him.  He was well aware that she was not yet a fully-formed adult, that she would grow and change as she came into her own.  And she was just... such a _people_ person.  She took a genuine interest in other people's lives, their histories... it made her pretty easy to like.  _Well, that, plus she's my sweet, adorable baby girl -- how could anyone NOT love her?_  

But he may have been just a smidge biased there.

The first song was Johnny Cash, one that Ellie didn't know.  Some folks sang along, some just listened... Ellie learned it enough to sing the chorus, and she joined in quietly.  She pleaded with Joel for him to sing, too.  He humored her, although he really just wanted to sit there and enjoy the happiness lighting up her face.  The dude jumped from Johnny Cash to Nirvana to Gordon Lightfoot to someone Joel didn’t even know, and after that, he took requests.  Joel assumed that after so many nights of this, people knew the unwritten library of songs to choose from by heart, but they said he would play anything.  Anything, as long as he'd heard the song before, as he could at least pluck at some chords and they could bumble through the verses.

Between songs, Joel nudged Ellie.  "You should ask him if he'll do George Michael," he teased her softly. 

It took her a moment to connect the dots to what had been dubbed 'the shower song.'  "No way!" she replied with a gasp, trying to stifle a giggle.  "Are you ever gonna let me forget that?  Why don't _you_ ask him."

"Ask him what?" Sophie piped up.

"Nothin'," Joel replied, but now Sophie had drawn the attention of others, and they all encouraged him to make a request.  He knew Ellie didn't expect him to actually do it.  Confident that the dude wouldn't pick _that_ song –- even if the lyrics didn’t deter him, it just plain wasn't guitar-friendly -- Joel figured he could frighten her a bit.  "You know any George Michael?"

Sure enough, her eyes widened and she scolded him with a _"Joooeellllll!"_ through gritted teeth.  Joel smirked, just a little.

"That I do!"  The man strummed what was apparently meant to be the equivalent of a drum roll.

_"Well I guess it would be nice!"_ someone called out, which Ellie seemed to find odd... and Joel did for a second until he realized it was the beginning of a George Michael song -- one much more suited for guitar than "I Want Your Sex."

"If I could touch your body!" someone else chimed in animatedly.  Several more sang the next line together.  Ellie still looked like she expected to be mortified, much to Joel's amusement; the first few lines of the song _were_ a bit suspect...

Guitar Guy launched into 'Faith,' which many of the gang knew well enough to hum along, if not sing all the lyrics.  Ellie finally relaxed, and said she thought she may have heard that one before.

They must have gone through at least fifteen songs before the dude declared they'd do one final song of the evening.  "Joel, you're from Texas, you say?"

"That's right."

"I reckin y'all maht like this last 'un, then," Guitar Guy said in an exaggerated Texas accent, which made Ellie giggle.

Alex leaned forward to look around Sophie and catch Joel's eye.  "See, his thing is, every night we have to end with a Garth Brooks song."

"Yeah, that songbook is how he learned how to play," someone else added.

"I know him!" Ellie exclaimed, then added in a whisper to Joel, _"Is this a good sign or WHAT!"_

Joel resisted the urge to kiss her right there, with the entire community watching.  He nodded at the guy.  "He was real popular when I was a kid.  Saw him in concert a few times."

"Did you really?  I'm jealous!" He smiled at Joel and Ellie in turn.  "You got a favorite?  Either of you?  I know 'em all!"

Joel nudged Ellie.  "Well, kiddo?  You remember anythin' specific?"

"Um... um... not really?  I'd prob'ly know them -- or at least one maybe? if I heard it!"

"All right," said Joel, "I _know_ she knows this one -- 'Friends in Low Places.' " He'd had to explain the title to her, and as he recalled, she'd been amused by the story the lyrics told.

There was a murmur of approval rippling through the group.  Joel heard someone say _"We love singing that one!"_... and it seemed fitting, given the amount of bad karaoke Joel had heard of the song, back in the day.  He felt a pang of nostalgia for one particular memory, but -- as always -- looking at Ellie dispelled that feeling of yearning pretty quickly.

_"~Blame it all on my roots... I showed up in boots... and ruined your black tie affair...~"_

Ellie knew the chorus, but not so much the rest of it.  Joel sang the entire thing, as did everyone else there, it looked like -- even the kids.  People started clapping and swaying towards the end, too, just like they would have at a concert.  Joel refrained, since he was leaning on his right hand with Ellie leaning against him, and he didn't want to dislodge her.  Then Sophie swayed over far enough to give Ellie a little push, and Ellie started doing it a little.  Awkwardly at first, but she quickly fell in sync with the others, and tugged on Joel's arm until he started rocking side to side along with them.

After a pause at the end, Guitar Guy looked at Joel knowingly.  "Third verse?"

There was only one appropriate answer to that question, and Joel remembered it all these years later.  "Hell yes!" he called back to him.

Ellie turned and raised her eyebrows at him.  "There's another verse?"

"Yeah... concert version."  It was the same as the second except for the last two lines.  And at the very end, everyone shouted _"Kiss!  My!  Ass!"_ in unison -- that gave Ellie a good laugh.

There was a hearty round of applause, then people began breaking off into smaller groups.  Some kept hanging around the fire, some headed up to their rooms, others drifted off to... who knows where.  The moon was only a sliver tonight, so it wasn't ideal for moonlit walks in the surf... firelight and starlight could only go so far.  The sidewalks around the grounds were lined with solar lights, which fascinated Ellie.  The beach wasn't lit at all, though.  Everyone had a flashlight, but of course, that just wasn't the same.  A nearby military base (not an actual Quarantine Zone) supplied them with batteries for the lights, though Joel had gotten the feeling that people tried to conserve batteries as much as possible, so he figured the rations were meager... and he also got the feeling he didn't know the whole story about the community's relationship with the base.  And when he and Ellie had learned that the resort had running water (also thanks to that military base), but that no one had figured out how to fix the power lines and get the electricity going, Ellie had offered Joel's services to remedy that.  What a joke!  Not that he didn't appreciate Ellie's faith in him... but he had only a layman's knowledge of electricianing; she seemed to think his experience with electric fences made him an expert.  He asked her why she wanted him to electrocute himself trying to do that, which horrified her into making him promise he would forget what she'd said about fixing it and never give it a try.  She was just too adorable sometimes.

Joel really wanted to be alone with her now, but various well-meaning people wanted to see if they needed anything, if they remembered how to get back to their room, what they should do in the morning, shit like that.  Ellie chatted with Sophie for a minute and hugged her good night.  Then Joel took Ellie by the hand and led her away from the fire, away from any other possible interactions with anyone else. 

She was all bubbly and happy from the music as they walked through the sand -- back to mile-a-minute mode.  "It's gonna be weird not having Sophie sleeping by us, huh!  At least now she'll have a toilet handy for her whole... last-thing-before-bed thing.  All the bathrooms have skylights or little windows or something, but when there's not much moonlight, I guess people have to use flashlights or just... feel their way around in the dark -- I guess you get to know where everything is before too long, huh?  I didn't even see where her’n’Alex are -- where their room is -- that's prob'ly gonna be weird for him, cuz now if Nina comes over, Sophie's there, huh... and he can't exactly go to her room instead cuz she's there with her parents... I guess if they have two rooms in each place, it's okay, but... that's still awkward, right?  They should just move into another suite together.  Actually... maybe they don't sleep together.  You think?  He hasn't been here that long and maybe they didn't really get together right away... and you said people don't always hop right into bed together right away like they do in movies and stuff.  Unless you were just bullshitting me -- I'm still not convinced you weren't.  But there's soooo many rooms in this place.  Didn't Ray say there was like two hundred?  Some of them are fucked up or whatever, but still -- and they only take up twelve!  All the people, I mean.  Well, now it's thirteen, if you count us.  Do you like Nina?  She has a funny laugh.  Not bad-funny, though.  Like, cute-funny.  Her hair's frizzier than Christine's, but it looks good like that.  Not so... accidental-like.  Maybe cuz it's curlier... hey, where are we going, anyway?  Don't you wanna turn your flashlight on?"

Joel remembered Ellie speculating about Sophie possibly having sex in that house they'd stayed in the one night... and he'd found it a little odd at the time, but now he got the sense that her speculation had more to do with trying to figure out what 'normal' people did, sex-wise.  Because she and Joel definitely weren't _normal_.  It took him a moment for his brain to catch up to her and then realize that she had actually paused long enough for him to answer that last question.  "Don' need it, 'til the fire goes out.  This is prob'ly good, right here."  Far enough away that they wouldn't be seen or bothered, and it _was_ pretty damn dark... "Actually... how 'bout over here."  Around the 'corner' of the small rock formation -- out of sight, should anyone shine a flashlight in their direction.  He sat in the sand and leaned back against the rock, pulling Ellie down to sit in front of him, more between his legs than in his lap.  He wrapped his arms snugly around her and kissed her neck, making her shiver.

"Mmm... hey, if you wanted to be alone with me in the dark, all we had to do was go back to our room, you know!" she pointed out, giggling a little.

"True... but there's no stars in the room."

"Awww, you're so romantic..."

"That wasn' romantic.  Stars ain't romantic, they're jus'... great balls of gas up in the sky."

Ellie seemed to like that description.  "Ha!  Now I'm imagining all those stars up there farting... stinking up the sky with their gas!"

"Maybe that's exactly what they're doin'.  So romantic."  He nuzzled her neck.

"You _are_ romantic.  Even if you won't admit it.  Otherwise you would've fucked me by now.  And yes, I used that word on purpose -- the reason you don't like it is _because_ you're romantic."

"I like the word jus' fine," Joel protested.  "But no... not for my baby girl's first time."

"Hmm.  So the second time would be okay?"

"Yep.  Nothin' but fuckin' after that first time."

"Yeah right!" She giggled.  "But hey, that doesn't sound so bad to me..."

He kissed the side of her head.  "The reason I wanted to come over here ain't romantic... I jus' thought the stars might help you.  With bein' in the dark."

_"You_ help me with that," she reminded him.  "Just like I help you."

"It ain't the dark, for me."  It was guilt, he assumed, that made him dream about Ellie being constantly out of reach.  And perhaps a genuine fear of losing her.  But unlike Ellie, he didn't have actual panic attacks.

"You know, it might help if you talked about it..."

_No thank you._   "Nothin' to talk about.  They're jus' dreams."

"I tell you about mine sometimes."

Sometimes.  She'd had a bad one the other night -- one Joel hadn't 'caught' in time to prevent -- that she didn't want to talk about.  "I'm glad you do.  Glad it helps.  I don' even remember mine most of the time.  Or what I do remember... don' make sense." _Or it's just nothing you need to know about_.

"Well, if you ever do want to tell me, I want to hear it.  I'd listen."

He wondered if she knew he was lying... and if she did, why she didn't call him on it.  "I know, baby girl, thank you."  He kissed her temple... turned her face toward him and kissed her lips.

"Oooo, kissing in public," she purred.

"This ain't exactly public... an' that wasn' exactly a kiss."

"Well, what the fuck would you call--"  He silenced her by covering her open mouth with his, his tongue tasting hers in a slow, sensual kiss that lasted more than a minute.  He had that... _alive!_ feeling... he could feel it all over the place, like tendrils of pleasure threading their way through his whole body.  _There can only be one thing that feels even better than that_...

"That there... that was a kiss," he said when they finally broke apart enough to speak, though he still hovered over her lips.

"That was... yeah. Whoa," she agreed, and he could feel her smiling.  "Although to be fair, that was more than one."

"Says you."  He kissed her again, and she shifted so she was facing him directly, straddling him and wrapping her arms around his neck.  He took that as a _"please keep kissing me"_ invitation, which he was happy to accept.  He scooched down a little so her knees wouldn't hit rock.

"Joel!" she whispered excitedly.  "I think you're liking this!"

"Of course I like it... why wouldn' I?"  But he knew what she was referring to: his dick, which had been pretty dormant of late, was starting to show signs of life.  He'd tried to tell her he could enjoy making out even when he didn't get hard, but she never seemed to believe him.

"We could do it right here on the beach... the way I've been imagining it for a long time.  Right now, we could do it..." She kissed him hungrily.

He enjoyed the kissing for a few moments before gently pushing her back a little.  "I thought you wanted to know ahead of time," he teased. 

"I do!  I know right now and we haven't done it yet--"

"A whole _day_ ahead of time," he reminded her.

"Fuck that -- I change my mind!"

He chuckled.  "Well, I ain't changin' mine.  Not tonight.  Not right here with people close by--"

"They're way over there!"

"They're close enough that I wouldn' feel comfortable.  If one o' them decided to wander over this way..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."  More kisses, of a gentler variety.  "What about tomorrow then?"

"Not tomorrow."

"What?  You decided _that_ real fast," she pouted.

"I need at least a day to... I don' know."  He'd feel a little more sure of himself if he felt like he needed to masturbate.  Or to let her help him with that.  He knew she wanted to, but it still made him feel... dirty.  How he could be okay with the idea of having sex now and not with _that_ , he couldn't say, other than... sex didn't feel as selfish?  But what if he let her get all excited about finally having sex tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever... and then he couldn't get it up?  He couldn't do that to her.  _Signs of life_ wouldn’t quite cut it.  He didn't think it would take long for him to get out of survival mode and back into living mode, though.  If they had a day without incident... "Let's jus' settle in a little first, yeah?"

"What if they don't let us stay here?"

That was a possibility, but Joel figured if he and Ellie showed a willingness to be assets to the community, to help out with whatever, they'd be invited to stay longer... if he made it clear that was what they wanted.  Right now, people probably assumed they'd rest up a few days before heading back to Jackson.  "Is that what you want?  To stay here?"

"Yeah, I said that right away, remember?  This place is awesome!  Don't you want to stay here, too?  For the winter?"

"Maybe.  ...I think so.  We ain't been here that long... see how tomorrow goes... but yes, I think so.  It seems pretty safe."  Certainly safer than the two of them would be Outside by themselves.  He doubted they would ever find a non-military place as safe as Jackson was now.

"Yes!  You can relax just like you do in Jackson!  And then... _then_ maybe we could... ?"

He kissed her sweetly.  "Yes, baby girl, real soon.  You've been waitin' a long time."

"I really have," she agreed with mock exasperation.  "But you're worth it."

Joel chuckled.  "You realize how backwards we are?  I'm s'posed to be the one pushin' _you_ to have sex.  Sayin' stuff like that."

"That's so sexist," she teased.  At least, he _thought_ she was teasing.  Sometimes she seemed truly annoyed by his alleged sexism.  "I don't want to _push_ you into it, though.  Well, okay, I kinda do... but really I want you to be okay with it.  No regrets."

He caressed her cheeks with his thumbs.  "I won't regret it.  I promise.  I could say the same for you."

"What?  I've been ready since day one, Joel.  How could I regret anything?"

"You say you're ready--"

"I _am_ ready!"

"You _say_ you are," he repeated, "but sometimes things feel different when the time comes."

"Well... then how do you know you'll have no regrets?"

_My only regret would be if YOU regret it..._ "I jus' know."

"Like _I_ just know.  Nothing's gonna be different."

Joel had only anecdotal evidence of girls regretting their first times, and the reasons he could recall did not apply to Ellie and him.  Such as... the guy didn't love them, or the girl thought she was in love but was too young to know she really wasn't (okay, so that one could _possibly_ apply to her, but he really didn't think so)... or on the physical side of things, there was the awful possibility of being forced -- except he didn't think that should count as a first time... _coerced_ , maybe.  She didn't really want to, or maybe just wasn't _sure_ , but the guy pressured her until she caved.  Pregnancy was another reason... Joel would make damn sure _that_ one didn't apply. 

One he hadn't heard of, but that had crossed his mind, was something along the lines of _"I can't believe I let this disgusting old man do that to me."_   That struck him as the most likely regret for a girl in Ellie's situation, saddled with someone more than three times her age... except she'd never given him any reason to think that.  Another backwards thing -- he'd given _her_ reason to think that she disgusted _him_ , and he hated that she'd ever felt that way.  _I'll make damn sure she never feels that way again._

He kissed her gently.  "All I know is if the time comes, an' you jus' can't, for whatever reason, that's all right.  I won' be mad, or hurt, or... whatever."

"Same here.  For you, I mean.  If you can't go through with it."

Joel laughed.  "That's a lie.  You'd be mad as hell if I changed my mind at the last minute."

"No I wouldn't!"

"Yes, you would."

"No... I'd still love you."

"Well, that's a relief," he said teasingly.

"I love you so so so sooooooo much," she said happily, peppering her words with little kisses.

"Love you too, baby girl."  _I'll love you 'til the day I die... even if you do end up outgrowing me someday._   He would have to let her go, if that time came, but he wouldn't have to stop loving her. _I reckon I'd have to learn to let her out of my sight... but I need to learn that anyhow._   To _re_ -learn it.

She stroked his beard on either side of his face.  "Do you think people will be able to tell... after?"

"What, by lookin' at us?"

"Yeah.  At me.  I mean, you're not a virgin, so maybe _you_ won't seem any different..."

"Mm.  Good point.  Everyone might look at you funny."

"You think?"

"Oh yeah.  Definitely.  You'll be givin' off different... what are those things... pher-mones... somethin' like that.  I'm-no-longer-a-virgin vibes."

"Shut up!  You're just fucking with me."

"...Am I?" He kept a straight face.

"Yes!  ...aren't you?"

Then he laughed.  "You're cute.  Of course they won' be able to tell.  You'll look exactly the same as before.  And... about that whole... bein' able to tell, thing... what do you think about tellin' the truth?  To a point.  No gory details.  Jus' that... you know.  We ain't father an' daughter."

"We already said that much.  And you kissed me in front of Ray.  Alex might not've seen it really but I _know_ Ray did."

"Sophie prob'ly explained to Alex.  An' havin' her in our corner will really help, I think."  Endorsement from an outsider was huge -- an outsider who wasn't a creepy old man, at that.  "We don' know Ray, of course, but he don' strike me as the type to gossip.  Maybe we should take a 'don't ask, don't tell' approach..."

"Huh?"

That wasn't right either.  They couldn't stop people from asking.  He figured most people would rather ignore the subject altogether than risk an unpleasant confrontation, but he didn't know if there were any Tommys in the group... people with Morals who couldn't just sit by and do nothing if they suspected.  Hippie vibe or not, no one here was old enough to have experienced all that _free love_ hippie shit from the 60s and 70s.  _And I don't think that included pedophilia anyhow..._ "Say we don' go around announcin' it, but don' hide it, either.  If anyone asks, we tell the truth.  Or at least we don' lie, an' they can figure out the rest."

"So like... if I wanted to kiss you and there were other people around who might see, I could just do it anyway?"

"Yes."  And if they were around people, that would mean he'd have his gun handy if any of them got... perturbed.  _Well, I reckon the locals might not appreciate me shooting one of their own... maybe just a punch or two would get the point across._   "Yes, just... nothin' too..."

"Could I grab your ass?"

"No."

"Just kissing... got it.  With tongue?"

Joel chuckled.  "You ain't shy anymore, hmm?"

"Wellllll... maybe I would be.  But I'm just wondering.  If I'm not, and I wanted to..."

"Not... well, maybe for jus' a second.  Keep it classy."

Ellie thought about that.  "Classy... like a black tie affair?"

Joel smiled at her use of the line from the song.  "Yes, exactly like that.  'Cause we're black tie folks."

"Maybe we could be, if that still existed."

"Not me.  Never.  But yeah, I don' wanna... smack people in the face with it or nothin'.  It's goin' to make some people uncomfortable.  You can be certain of that.  Hell, it even made Sophie uncomfortable at first--"

"Only for like two seconds!  Then she was cool with it!"

"Because she's spent so much time with us."  He thought her reaction had more to do with feeling like an idiot than anything else; she had been _so sure_ Joel wouldn't 'take advantage.'  _Just like Ellie... she thinks I'm a better person than I actually am._   "These people know nothin' about us," he pointed out.  "Which... in a way... I think might make it easier for them to swallow."  _Before they start caring too much about Ellie and her well-being... but she's so damn lovable, some of them probably already DO..._ "If not, then... we can leave."

"What if they try to hurt us-- hurt _you_ , I guess?-- before we leave?"

Joel snorted.  "I won' let that happen."

"Well, you couldn't stop the rock through the window."

_Don't remind me._ He felt guilty about that, too, although he knew the feeling was illogical.  "This place is a hell of a lot smaller.  Easier to manage shit like that... to find out who might have a problem with it... An' leavin' would be _real_ easy.  But that's jus' me -- what do _you_ think?"

"I think it's your call."

"I don' want it to be my call.  I want us both to decide."

"You do??"

He felt a little bad that she was so shocked by that.  Granted, she was only fifteen... but she deserved to be treated like an adult.  _If I'm going to tell myself she's grown-up enough to have sex..._ "Yes.  You respected my wishes in Jackson... which I very much appreciate... but I didn' even ask you for your opinion on things."

"Yes you did.  You asked if I was okay with it."

And that hadn't even been asking... it had been him laying down the law and telling her if she couldn't live with it, then they couldn't be together.  Which had felt right at the time, due to Ellie's inexperience... her naïveté about all the repercussions.  But she'd seen some of those now... "You _said_ you were okay with it, but you didn' like it."

"I understood it, though.  I do get it, Joel.  And they can think what they want of me, but I can't stand the thought of people thinking you're a pedophile."

"Some people might think that.  I don' know how they decide who stays an' who goes... if they do a vote, or what... they said no one's in charge, so who knows." Part of him wanted to lie until that was decided, because there was a chance that once that decision was made, no one would care enough to try to _un-_ make it, whereas if it hadn't been made yet and they knew the truth, people might be forced to look at their relationship... discuss it, pick it apart.  Another part of him wanted to just let the chips fall where they may... _but is that a luxury I can really afford?_  He wasn't too proud or too stubborn to sacrifice some things -- fatherhood had seen to that.  Marriage, too, but mostly fatherhood.  He and his friends had worked some crappy jobs back in the day, and every so often, one of them would feel the need to tell their boss exactly where they could shove it.  Young people could usually get away with that shit and land on their feet, unscathed.  Not Joel:  it had taken exactly one time for him to learn that lesson the hard way, and that was one time too many of his daughter... not exactly going without, but going with 'less than,' just because he'd let his temper get the better of him.  After that, he'd learned to play the game.

Joel wanted to live somewhere safe... where he and Ellie wouldn't have to be on high alert all the time... where Ellie could be happy (which in turn would make _him_ happy).  Still, they had no attachments to the place -- aside from Sophie.  And he knew that Ellie had really liked being around all those friendly people tonight... _she_ _lit up as bright as the fire..._ but they hadn't burned any bridges in Jackson, and he had family there.  They were definitely going back there someday.  He just didn't know when.

"So you don't think that kiss before... it's not too late to like... erase that?" Ellie wondered.

"Well... not really.  We could say we're... more like what Sophie thought.  Kind of like father and daughter, but... ones that hug a lot.  A little more to it, but nothin' sexual." 

"And ones that kiss on the lips."

"Maybe... at emotional moments.  Shit like that."  Joel was sure he could sell it that way... except that once again, he might have to admit that yes, Ellie had a crush on him... _and maybe even that I have one on her..._ _no, no one would believe we ain't fuckin', if that were the case._

Ellie sighed.  "Man, I don't knoooow... deciding stuff is hard!"

Joel chuckled.  Kissed her nose.  "There's a plus side to lettin' me decide things, hmm?"

_"Some_ things... but I like that you want to figure it out with me, so let's... figure it out.  Good stuff versus bad stuff."

"Weighin' the pros an' cons."

"Exactly.  So, good stuff!  -Not having to lie."

"Bein' able to kiss you whenever I feel like it."

"Me too!  Yeah, good one.  And... like, the whole principle of it.  We shouldn't have to feel ashamed of something as good and decent and... fucking _awesome_ as loving each other."

Joel wanted to argue that he'd never felt ashamed -- not of her, at least.  But he couldn't deny there was a stigma attached, and that he'd been ashamed of himself.  Ellie knew it, too.  "No, we shouldn't.  How 'bout... that boy can quit thinkin' of tryin' anything with you."

"What?  He _so_ wasn't thinking anything." She sounded amused.

"How do you know what he was thinkin'?"

"How do _you?"_

"He's a teenage boy.  With boy parts, presumably.  I _know."_

She giggled.  "You're jealous!"

"Nothin' to be jealous of.  I jus' don' want him near you."

"Really, Joel?  I thought he seemed nice.  And he's the only other teenager here!"

"That's exactly my point.  Everyone's prob'ly already paired him up with you in their minds."

"So what?  I love _you_.  I wouldn't... _think_ of him like that.  But is it so wrong to have a friend my age?"

"No.  'Course not.  If you make it clear to him that you ain't interested.  An' don' spend time with him alone."

"I wouldn't anyway -- that's one of our rules.  I like that rule, cuz you have to follow it, too.  Even though you broke it about two hundred times with Sophie--"

"Hey, you were with me nearly every--"

"--I mean _before_ we left town.  You could've _told_ me that Alex asked you to babysit her."

"Ha.  It wasn't babysittin'," he replied.  The four of them had talked before dinner, and both girls had been... flabbergasted, pretty much -- with the promise itself, some, but mostly the fact that he hadn't seen fit to say a word about it the whole time.  He hadn't discussed it with Ellie since then.  "What's the big deal?"

" _What's the big deal?_   I thought you were like... making excuses to go see her and fix stuff cuz you _liked_ her or something.  And it turns out I didn't even _know_ about most of the times you did that?"

"Ellie, come on.  You think I'm that big of a jerk?  I'd never do that to you.  We talked about that.  I thought you believed me."

She sighed.  "I did... I do... but what about Sophie?  You didn't even tell _her_ about it, so what do you think she thought when you were checking up on her all the time?  No wonder she practically raped you that day."

Joel laughed.  "She did _not_ \--"

"I said _'practically.'_ "

"Practically or otherwise.  I never gave her any reason to think--"

"Yes you did!  By going over there all the time you did!"

"You make it sound like I went by there every day or somethin'.  It was only a couple of times.  An' she put in a work order for--"

"Oh, bullshit -- she pulled that out of her ass just to get you over there.  I'm going to ask her about that, actually.  Think she'd tell me the truth?"

_Probably._   Sophie had been pretty candid about everything, as far as Joel could tell.  "Jus' leave it alone, would you?"

"Do you seriously not see how maybe she might kind of get the wrong fucking idea, though?"

"But I didn't... act like I wanted..."

"Doesn't matter!  Just... what you _did_ was enough to-- you made her think she was special when she wasn't.  I should've been pissed at _you_ , not her."

"How do you know what I made her think?"  _Maybe I don't want to know what all they talk about..._

"Because I-- because it's-- you know.  Obvious.  When you give someone extra attention."

She seemed a bit flustered... like she was hiding something.  He didn't think she'd had much experience with dating, so--

"I learn stuff from movies and books," she added, as if sensing he needed further explanation.

_I'll let it go for now._  "Which ain't always like real life, remember.  Anyhow, you _were_ pissed at me, as I recall."

"I was?  I don't even remember.  You always make me not-mad at you pretty fast... cuz you cheat by just kissing me all sweet, like."

He chuckled, and kissed her like that now, for the hell of it.  "Mmm.  I can't help it if I like kissin' you.  You're too damn kissable."

She giggled a little.  "So are you.  Which is why I can't blame Sophie-- no, I can't blame her cuz that whole thing was _your_ fault, I realize now.  God, Joel!"  She wasn't angry, he could tell.  It was more like... outrage at his alleged stupidity.

"I'm irresistible.  Not my fault.  Jus' forget it, all right?  Back to... still doin' pros."

"Whose turn is it?"

"We don' have to take turns--"

"Oh!  It's mine!  Cuz you said that stuff about Parker-- so, that goes both ways.  There's only one teenage boy here, but there's _tons_ of single women."

"There ain't tons of _anythin'_ in this place."  _Except sand, maybe?  Ugh._   "Not many people, at least.  More men than women, an' some are partnered up."

"I still have way more to worry about than you do.  Some of those women are really pretty... _all_ of them, really..."

_Christ, does she WANT to be jealous?_   "So?"

"...So?  So you think they're pretty, too!" she said accusingly.

_She can read so much into one little word!_  "I didn' say that.  I meant... who cares if they are or if they ain't?"

"But you do think they're-- I mean, at least some, are pretty.  Any... certain one in particular?" She was fishing, and not even subtly.

He wondered who she was most worried about.  It was tempting to tease her a little, be a bit of a dick... but he knew Ellie was genuinely insecure about being 'too young' for him in that way.  As if he might prefer someone closer to his own age.  He felt like they'd come a long way in the trust department... that he'd earned most (if not all) of it back, and now her issues with trusting him most likely stemmed from her own shit.  He didn't want to undermine it just for a couple laughs.  "Ellie, you are the most beautiful g-- _young woman_ , in the whole place.  None of 'em can hold a candle to you."

"Really?" she asked, and he thought she sounded a little shy.

"Really."

"Why would they be holding candles for me?"

He chuckled.  " _To_ you.  _For_ you would be… somethin' different.  Just another old-timer expression... meanin' they don' compare to you."

"Okay, good.  So, um... you said I’m the most beautiful _young_ woman.  What about the older ones?"

"You're way too literal sometimes," he said with amusement.  "I called you a young woman, yes, but I meant compared to all of them.  Anyone female.  On the entire planet."

"Aww!  I love you."  She flung her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

"Love you, too."

"Squeeze me as hard as you can!"

She hadn't asked him to do that in a while.  "All right..."  He only did it a tiny bit harder than a normal hug.

"You can do it harder than that.  I know you can!"

"Nope.  Gettin' old, I guess."

"Or you think I'm all delicate now... I'm not!"

"You almost died," he reminded her.

"We've both almost died like, hundreds of times, if you think about it!"

"But you were real weak for--"

"Not anymore, I'm not!  Come on, Joel, pleeease?"

He did it a little harder.  "Why do you like that so much?"

"I just do.  Harder!  As hard as you can!"

Hard as he dared, more like.  He squeezed her not quite to the point of making her gasp for air, and she seemed satisfied with that.

"I think you can do it harder, but... you're tired, so okay.  And... hee!  You have to save your strength cuz... pretty soon when I ask you to do it harder, it'll be for..."

_Ha!_  "You've got a filthy mind, little girl."

"Yep!  And I want a filthy body to match."

"Mm.  You sayin' we shouldn' shower first?" he teased.

"Ha!  No, silly -- I mean I want to... _do_ stuff with my _body..._ dirty stuff... and not just be thinking about it in my dirty _mind_."

Actually, skipping a shower might not be such a bad idea, seeing as how they had no hot water, and cold showers were counterproductive.  "You will.  Soon."

"Just not tomorrow."

"Not tomorrow," he affirmed.  "So.  How 'bout the cons?"

"Cons."  She scooted down a little to lay her head on his shoulder and stretch out on top of him.  "People throwing rocks."

_Or setting fire to our room._  "People... maybe thinkin' they have to rescue you from me."

"That one's _really_ stupid," Ellie grumbled.  "Well, at least there's no stupid girls to tease me about--" She stopped herself abruptly, and then didn't finish the thought. 

"...about?" Joel prodded.

"Nothing."

It most certainly wasn't _nothing_.  "Were kids givin' you a hard time about me?  Before the rumors, I mean.  About you hangin' out with an old man?"

"You're not old."

"Ancient, in their eyes.  They gave you shit, didn' they?"  _She never did tell me why she broke that one girl's nose..._

"...No."

_She still ain't good at lyin' to me.  Hope it stays that way._  Joel was curious, but he wouldn't push her.  He could imagine what they might say.  Kids could be mean.  "I'm sorry you had to put up with that on my account."

"I just told you I didn't!  They didn't give me shit!  You don't believe me?"  She lifted her head to look at him, even though it was too dark to see anything.

He kissed her face, wherever his lips landed -- the bridge of her nose.  "No.  I don't.  I think you don' want to tell me for some reason.  Maybe... you think my feelin's would be hurt, or--"

"No, Joel, just-- never mind, okay?  It doesn't matter now.  That's not going to happen here.  No one here-- oh hey, you know what we should do?  We could tell everyone I'm eighteen!  That would help, wouldn't it?  That's your magic number -- people from your time."

Ellie could perhaps be a very young eighteen... she certainly didn't look it, though.  "No.  That means we're still lyin'.  Sophie an' Alex know how old you are so it wouldn' even hold up for long... they might've already told people.  You are who you are an' I am who I am.  If we're tellin' the truth, then we tell the whole truth."

Ellie absorbed that for a moment.  "The whole truth.  So... if someone asks me what we do in bed, I should tell-- Aaaiiiiieeee!"  She shrieked when Joel cut her off with a tickle maneuver, then slid off of him to protect one of her sides and grabbed his arm to fend off an attack of the other.

It probably hadn't been all that long since they'd played like this, but it sure felt like it.  He made a big show of pushing her arm back, like he was going to breach her defenses, and reveled in the sound of her giggly protests.  Then he kissed her, and she relaxed slightly, but still wouldn't let go of his arm.  He nudged her onto her back, pulling her down a little so her head wouldn't hit rock.  "I ain't gonna tickle you.  Relax."

"Yeah right!" she sputtered.

"I was jus' tryin' to slide my hand up under there."

"Yeah _right!"_

"My hand is cold."

She laughed at the obvious lie.  "Bullshit!  Your hands are never cold... see?  Warmer than mine!"  She had slid her hand down his arm to rest on top of his, and she let him rest his hand on her hip, but only with her hand applying enough force to prevent tickling, should it inch upward.

He played with the edge of her... hoodie, had to be.  "I swear I won't tickle you.  How many layers you got on, anyway?"

"Only two!  Okay okay... here... let me help you out.  I don't trust you to do it on your own.  Ha!  Reminds me of--"

She guided his arm beneath her hoodie and sweatshirt, smoothly past the ticklish places, and he rested his hand on her breast -- or, rather, her bra.  He was amused that even then, she didn't let go; she smoothed her clothing back in place and sort of... hugged his arm against her, from the outside.  ...and she didn't finish her sentence.  "You did it again.  What were you gonna say?"

"Nothing!"

"Uh-huh."

"How is your hand never cold anyway?"

"Don' change the subject."

"Um, we don't have to tell each other stuff if it's too embarrassing.  That's still a rule," she said defensively.

That made him curious as hell... but she was right.  _Maybe one day I'll learn all your secrets..._ he had no intention of sharing all of his own.  "All right.  Speakin' of rules.  Are we decided, then?  More pros than cons, you think?"

"Yeah... or, maybe we could say an equal amount of each one, but the pros are like... better?  They're more..."

"They're heavier.  So they _'outweigh the cons'_?"

"Yeah!"

“So we tell the truth, consequences be damned?"  He gave her breast a little squeeze... and gave her a little kiss to go with it.

"Yeah!  Damn everything!  We're in love and there's nothing wrong with it.  Nothing wrong and everything _right_.  Yeah... everyone should _wish_ they had what we have.  Poor unfortunate fuckers!"

Joel chuckled.  _You are adorable as hell and I love you so goddamn much._   "Couldn't have said it better myself."


	44. Girl Talk

_"Tonight might be a good night.  If you want to."_

Had sweeter words ever been spoken?! 

They'd been at Golden Sands for a couple of days now, and Ellie was ecstatic that Joel felt comfortable enough -- and rested enough -- to take that final step.  They hadn't done much of anything in their new bed yet except sleep; Ellie wouldn't have minded fooling around a little, but Joel really was exhausted, and she wanted him to rest up for The Big Event, so she decided -- like she had in the past -- that it was better for both of them to like... _save up_ for that.  After they had sex, they'd be doing it all the time -- _no going backwards_ \-- so there was no need to get greedy now.  _Like the bride not seeing the groom before the wedding..._ Ellie had only ever seen that on the screen, but Joel said it was a real-life thing that some people adhered to.  She had thought that was kind of a dumb tradition... _before_.  Now, she kind of liked the idea of holding off… of making it feel even more special because they didn’t just get each other off all the time.

This morning, after those beautiful words had sprung from Joel's lips, Ellie assured him that yes of course she fucking wanted to, and there was no _might_ about it -- if he felt ready, and the beach didn't get invaded by Infected or something, it was fucking _on_.  She would make sure of it.  _Fuck -- even if we DO get invaded by Infected, I'll kill all the motherfuckers with my bare hands before I let them fuck this up for me!_ And then she would turn to a very surprised Joel, smile sweetly, and say, _"Now, where were we?"_

About halfway down to the water, she found Sophie on a blanket, lying on her stomach, reading... 'laying out,' as it was called, except that's actually supposed to be done in your bathing suit, and Sophie was wearing regular clothes; the sun was out, but it was what Ellie thought of as a 'cold' sun.  Ellie wasn't wearing her suit, either.  She flopped down in the sand next to Sophie, legs scissoring, arms crossed beneath her chin -- then her cheek, as she turned toward Sophie with the biggest smile ever.  Sophie's eyebrows shot up as soon as she looked at her.  "Girl... look at you!  What is _up?"_

"Um... can I talk to you?  But not here.  Like can we go for a walk?  Unless you're busy..."

Sophie snorted.  "I don't know if I'll ever find any other time to read this book, but okayyyy... just for _you_..."

Ellie giggled.  It wasn't even that funny, but she was positively giddy with excitement.   When Sophie closed the book and exposed the cover, Ellie could see it was different from the one she'd had on the trip.  "Hey, no more half-naked cowboy?"

"Finished yesterday and traded him for this."  She wrinkled up her nose at the cover, which was definitely more pretty than sexy.  It was all flowers and butterflies and fancy lettering.  "Bum deal, but at least this is new."

Ellie giggled again.  She was so happy that everything struck her as extra funny, extra wonderful... just... more awesome, somehow.  _Because LIFE is awesome!_   She scrambled to her feet, then grabbed Sophie's hand to tug her up, too.  "Come on... by the water..."

"Oh hang on a second then -- you know the rule!"  Sophie let go of Ellie's hand so she could plop back down and take off her shoes and socks.  Ellie followed suit; their feet would be freezing, but Sophie had a thing about needing to be barefoot in the surf, so Ellie had made it her thing, too.

"Ellie!  Come help me make the princess house!" little Gabby called from nearby.  She and her big brother Chad were engaged in their favorite activity:  sculpting shit out of wet sand.

"Later, Gabs -- I'll come help you when I'm done talking to Sophie, okay?"  It would be fun, and it would help her pass the time -- because there were about a zillion hours between now and _sex_.  Maybe she'd recruit Joel to help, too... he would resist, but she was pretty sure she could get him to do it, and he'd end up having fun.  He was currently schooling some of their new neighbors on... something to do with firewood.  Splitting it... stacking it... letting it dry out before burning it... Ellie couldn't hear his words, but she could practically hear him in her head. _Soon, they'll all be doing everything the Joel Way... ha!_

Ellie practically skipped down to the edge of the water, yelping a little as it lapped at her ankles.  They fell into an extremely leisurely pace along the shore, each step taking them further away from anyone's earshot.  _Even Joel can't hear us next to the ocean!_

Sophie watched her curiously.  "Ooookie dokie -- only the ocean can hear us now.  What _is_ it?  I don't think I've ever seen you so..."

"Happy!" Ellie filled in the blank.  "Cuz I haven't been.  Today... might just be the happiest day of my life."

"Oh yeah?  Why's that?  Wait -- don't tell me.  Does this have something to do with a certain boyfriend of yours... the one with the sexy Texas accent?"

Ellie giggled.  "He's not my boyfriend -- he hates that word.  He _is_ pretty sexy, though, huh.  And, um... about that... the sexy thing... uh... he, um..." They were such simple words, but they didn't seem to want to form coherent sentences!  Ellie felt a blush creeping up her neck already.

"....yyyyeeessss?"

"Well... you know we haven't... um... _done_ that yet..."

"Done what?  Sex?"

"Yeah."  Ellie could tell she was blushing hard now... _and I haven't even started asking her stuff yet!_   Hopefully she had enough of a sunburn to hide it.  "So... we're actually... well... _tonight's the night_."  She stage-whispered the last part.

Sophie gasped.  "Really?!  No shit?"

"Yep!  Finally.  I've been waiting _forever_ for him to be ready."

"...For _him_ to be ready.  Not you?"

"I've been ready for months!"  Joel _had_ told her that was pretty backwards; it seemed that Sophie agreed with him.  "Joel says we're... unconventional."

"I'd say so, yeah.  So tonight... holy guacamole.  It's your first time?"

"Of course!  I'm only fifteen."  Though really, she couldn't take offense at the question if she truly believed she was old enough.  She should be _glad_ Sophie wasn't sure if she was a virgin.  "How old were _you?_  Unless that's..."

"Eighteen."

"What?  No way."  From what Ellie had gathered, that was old for people in olden times. 

"Way.  I was pretty dorky in high school... didn't have a lot of boyfriends, really."

That didn't sound right, either.  Ellie liked Sophie a lot more now than when they'd left Jackson, and she blamed Joel for that whole... seduction thing... but she still thought of Sophie as kind of skanky.  The woman didn't seem to be lying, though.  "So... was he like... ~the one~?  Your first?"

"Haha!  Noooooooooo.  Not even close.  He wasn't even my boyfriend.  He sure was hot, though.  And popular.  Football player.  Second string, but still."  Sophie's smile was kind of wistful, which Ellie found strange since she said the guy wasn't even close to being The One.  Before Ellie could ask what strings had to do with anything, Sophie continued.  "I couldn't believe he wanted _me_ , y'know?  And he had this car... I don't even remember what it was now.  Something sexy.  I never knew much about cars.  But that's where it happened.  The back seat.  I wonder how many girls lost their virginity back there."

Ellie tried to imagine herself and Joel doing it in a car.  It would have to be big enough in the back to accommodate-- er, maybe it would be better if it _wasn't_ that big, so they'd be totally squished together.  "That's... _kinda_ romantic, I guess?"

"Romantic?"  Sophie scoffed.  "No, not at all.  Better than doing it in the locker room... but not romantic."

Ellie idly wondered how Sophie could have no reaction to the cold-ass water lapping at her feet when she was such a wuss about that stuff.  Maybe it was just different if you weren't going all the way in?  "So... what happened with you guys?  After that, I mean."

"After we did it?  Well... we were never really together, so... we had sex a few more times.  I thought I was hot shit, being with this cool guy... but I was never his girlfriend.  And he _had_ a girlfriend.  The whole time.  Ohhh how I envied that bitch!"

"Wait -- he had a girlfriend, while he was having sex with you?"

"Yeppers."

_Man, if Joel had a girlfriend this whole time..._ Ellie would kill him.  And then die herself, probably.  "And you were okay with that?!"

Sophie snorted.  "I wanted to be.  Told myself I was.  But when I saw him at school... like with other people around?  He acted like he didn't even know me.  So the girl wouldn't get suspicious.  At least, that's what he said -- I think he just didn't want anyone to know he liked a nerdy girl."

It was hard to thrust Joel into a school setting in her mind, but Ellie tried to imagine how she would feel if he acted that way toward her.  ...She _couldn't_ imagine it.  _Because he'd never do that!_   "Man.  How did you stand it?"

Sophie kicked at the water.  "It sucked.  I thought it was worth it, though.  Like maybe he'd realize he loved me instead... 'cause how happy could he really be with this girl if he's cheating on her, right?  Now, of course, I realize he was just a huge jerk.  But I was young and stupid.  I just kept telling myself I was fine with the way things were, until... do you know what sexting is?"

"Sexing?"

"Sex- _ting_."

"Um... I think I've heard of it, but... no?"  Ellie wracked her brain for something she thought she'd read about in one of those magazines.

"You know what?  Never mind about that.  None of this has anything to do with you and Joel.  It's going to be sooooooo much better for you."

Ellie smiled.  "Yeah.  I'm lucky.  Joel's like... perfect.  But that's... sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.  He's, um... you know.  Older?  He's done it a zillion times, and... I don't want to disappoint him.  I don't wanna be _the worst one,_ out of all his... everyone he..."

"Aww, sweetie, you won't be!"

"I will!" Ellie lamented... but she liked how convincing Sophie sounded.  "He barely lets me... _do_ anything, you know, like... I'm just not gonna know what to do, and what if he doesn't like it?"

"Oh, he'll like it," said Sophie, chuckling a little.  "No worries there."

_She's so confident!_  "How do you know?"

"He's a guy.  -And not just that -- he _loves_ you, Ellie.  Have you talked to him about this?"

"Yeah, and he just says totally _not_ helpful things like 'Don't worry'... 'be yourself'... or he'll tell me I'm cute.  'Do whatever feels natural' -- what does that even _mean?_   How can it feel natural if I don't _know_ what's natural?  What if I don't have the right, like... _instincts_ about what's natural, or what's right..." Sophie tried to answer her, but Ellie talked over her.  "No, let me finish!  It's not like whatever pops in my head is right.  I've said the wrong thing before, and it completely turns him off.  What if I say something stupid and ruin everything?  So, I could just not talk at all -- that way I won't piss him off, or make him laugh at me... I _think_ this, now, but when the time comes, I prob'ly won't really be able to do it.  It's hard for me to shut the fuck up, apparently.  But, say I do.  There's still the problem of not knowing what I'm _doing_.  I've looked in the library for like... anything that'll tell me how to do it.  There's nothing!  There's 'how to' on everything else you can think of, but if there were ever any sex books in that library, they're not there now.  So I looked at magazines -- and some of those are gone, too, or the helpful-looking stuff is -- and I found _some_ stuff, but I don't know if I can remember it all at the same time -- oh and then there's also stuff in there like, you're not good enough to be with someone special unless you've fucked at least two guys, but less than ten -- is that for real?  I can't help it if I've never--"

"Ellie Ellie Ellie -- slow down!" Sophie finally interrupted her.  "You're putting waaaay too much pressure on yourself.  This is supposed to be _fun_ , not like... some skill you have to master, to make him, like... I dunno... you know, I'd say the pressure's more on _him_.  He's probably just as nervous about this as you are."

"Joel?  Are you kidding me?  What does _he_ have to feel nervous about?  He knows I've never been with anyone else... that I can't compare him to anyone else.  He's _it_.  Whatever he does is... that's all I have.  He can do _anything_ and it'll be right."

"But that's exactly what could make him nervous.  If you don't enjoy yourself--"

"I don't care if I enjoy myself!  I mean... obviously I'm going to anyway, cuz..." _...it's sex.  With Joel!  What's not to enjoy?_

"Cuz why?" Sophie urged.

"Well... duh.  I'll be with Joel."

"And being with Joel means you'll enjoy it because...?"

"Um... cuz he's Joel?"

"The man you love."

"Right."

"You just want to be with him.  Be close to him."

"Yeah...?"

"Well, don't you think he feels the same way?  He's not gonna be sitting there thinking, 'Oh, Stacey did _this_ , I hope Ellie does it too, and Stephanie -- hoo boy, she was hot..."

"Wait."  Ellie stopped walking, arrested by a surge of... jealousy, maybe?  She didn't know which was worse: hearing about Joel's partners, or knowing he confided in Sophie about them instead of her.  "Who are Stacey and Stephanie?  Joel actually _talks_ to you about girls he's been with?"

Sophie punched her arm lightly.  "No, silly goose, those are just examples!  Not real girls."

"Oh!  Okay, good." That really didn't seem like a Joel thing to do, and Ellie was relieved that there were no phantom girls to compete with.  _Except there ARE... I just don't know about them..._

"I'm trying to say that... he loves you, and all he cares about is being with you.  He won't be thinking about anyone or anything else.  Just you... and making you feel good."

They resumed their leisurely pace, and Ellie wondered if Sophie had read her mind.  Or... maybe read her _face_ , because Joel seemed to think that didn't require much skill (unlike his own face -- Ellie was still mastering the nuances involved there!).  "Well, I want to make _him_ feel good, too, cuz if he doesn't like it..."

"He will!  Trust me, he will.  You wanna know what I did my first time?"

_Yes!!! This is exactly why I needed to talk to another girl!_  "Yeah!  If it's not too personal for you..."

"It's not -- I just laid there.  Literally.  I had no clue.  I didn't have to do anything else, though -- he did it all.  When he kissed me, I kissed him back, but then when he started... you know, the sex part... the kissing was over with and I just... laid there.  Thinking 'wow, finally I'm having sex!  Neato!' "

Ellie giggled.  "Neato?  Or cool beans?"

Sophie smiled.  "Maybe it was cool beans.  I don't remember.  I just remember thinking _WOW."_

Ellie couldn't imagine Sophie being clueless about sex; for some reason, she figured Sophie was good at it -- and that she was somehow just _naturally_ good at it.  _Ick, that word again!_   "So, _WOW --_ does that mean... did you... like it?"

"Like... physically?  No, not really.  No _happy ending_ for me that night.  I don't think I was... hot'n'bothered enough first, if you know what I mean."

Ellie grinned.  "I don't know about the 'bothered' part, but I get the 'hot' thing.  Did it hurt?"

"A little."

She wondered if Sophie was downplaying that; would she really admit if it was excruciating and she'd just wanted it to end?  Ellie wondered if she should share her idea with Sophie... about how she was going to get around the pain problem.  _Why not?  She's cool about talking about this shit, and maybe she can tell me if it will work!_   "So, his... it was hard when it... went in?"  She tried not to giggle... too much.

"Well, yeah," Sophie chuckled.  "Of course."

_...Of course?  ...Why hasn't anyone else thought of letting it go in soft?_ It made her a little shy about asking.  Like maybe she was being stupid.  _But, if my logic is flawed, Joel would've told me when I explained it to him that night!  Or he would've laughed.  And told me I was cute._ "Don't you think... wouldn't it have been better if he..." She bit her lip, somehow too shy to say it.

"If he what?" Sophie had to prompt her.

"I just thought... it hurts when it's all like... big and hard... right?  So if it was just... soft and floppy and small..." Ellie felt her face catching fire again.

"Then... what?  I'm not following, girl."

_Isn't it obvious?!_  Since apparently it wasn't, Ellie completely lost her nerve.  "Okay, actually ummm never mind.  Did it hurt so bad that you wanted to stop?  Tell me the truth."

"No, not that bad.  It didn't last all that long anyway... teenage boys can't keep it up that long, really.  They can _get_ it up a lot, but they tend to... finish pretty fast."

Ellie blushed even more furiously, thinking how Joel wouldn't have that problem.  _At least, I hope he won't... he didn't used to... and he told me he wouldn't commit to this First Time if he had doubts!_   "So... you laid there.  Did you have to like... help him put it in?" She tried not to be immature enough to giggle at that.

"Nope.  Just laid there.  I was afraid of doing or saying something stupid, I think... something that would make him think I'm too lame for him and make him change his mind.  He knew enough... he found the right hole.  I'm sure Joel will, too."

_Oh yeah, he knows where that hole is!_  Ellie turned and buried her face on Sophie's shoulder for a moment and stifled another giggle.  "I can't believe we're talking about this."

"Haha!  Does Joel know what we're talking about right now?"

Ellie lifted her head and glanced in Joel's direction.  He waved at her, and she waved back before nearly doubling over in a sudden giggle fit.  Her laughter infected Sophie, and they laughed together for a few moments until Ellie finally recovered her composure enough to answer.  "Yes... and no?  Not exactly.  I asked him if I could tell you.  About tonight being the night.  He was kinda surprised I wanted to.  But he said I could."  And he probably assumed the rest -- that Ellie would be asking Sophie for advice.  _Maybe... maybe he WANTED me to, cuz he also thinks she's good at sex and can tell ME how to be good at it?_ Ellie wondered if maybe it would've been better if Joel had asked her _not_ to talk to Sophie.  If it truly didn't matter how _good_ Ellie would be, then why would he?  He always said _he_ wanted to be the one to tell her everything, show her everything...

"Maybe I can talk to him for you," Sophie mused.

That... _is sort of a horrifying thought!_   "About what?!"

"Like... what your concerns are..."

"No!  He knows!  We do talk about stuff," Ellie assured her.

"You've told him everything you just told me?" Sophie said doubtfully.

"Well... kinda... okay, not all of it.  He just tells me I have nothing to worry about.  No matter what I say.  I don't even think he hears me, sometimes."  Saying that made her feel a little disloyal to Joel... _but it's fucking TRUE!_

"Obviously that's not helpful, since you _are_ worried."

_Yes!  But--_ "No... I mean, when he tells me, I believe him."  _Because he usually kisses me and makes it all go away..._ "But later..."

"The doubts come back."

"Not... doubts, exactly..." That sounded bad, somehow.  If she and Joel were so perfect together -- which they obviously were! -- there shouldn't be any fucking _doubts_.

"Worries... uncertainty... fear... whatever you want to call it."

Ellie sighed.  "But that's stupid.  I know it's wrong to worry."

"Wrong?"

"Like, I shouldn't, because Joel loves me.  I know he does.  That should be the only thing that matters."

"Well..."  Sophie chewed on that for a moment.  "Feelings... aren't right or wrong.  How you feel is how you feel, y'know?  I think if he knew--"

"You can't tell him!" Ellie practically shrieked, horrified again.  "I wouldn't have told you all this if--"

"I won't!  I won't.  Promise.  I just thought... if he kinda pats you on the head and says 'oh you're so cute' / 'don't worry' ... he wouldn't be that way with me, you know?  He'd have to... really listen."

She had a point.  Joel couldn't avoid talking about shit by kissing Sophie, like he did with Ellie.  _At least, he'd BETTER not!_   But it also struck her as childish.  If there was anything Joel needed to know about her feelings, she should be able to tell him herself.  And since he _did_ make her feel like she had nothing to worry about... well, it was just plain _wrong_ to keep worrying.  She disagreed with Sophie on that one: feelings _could_ be wrong.  "Thanks, but I don't want you guys talking about me behind my back," she smirked.

"Girl, what do you think we talked about every time your back was turned these past couple months?" Sophie teased.

Ellie shoved her playfully.  "Whatever!  Joel barely even lets me turn my back now as it is."

"Right?"  Sophie chuckled.  "Is that annoying?"

"No."  Ellie looked at Joel again.  She didn't know if he was just constantly staring at her or not -- he couldn't be, if he was talking to people -- but every time she looked at him, it seemed like he was looking at her.  Kind of hard to tell from this far away.  She gave him another quick half wave -- and he waved back.  _Yep, he is!_   "No, I'm used to it.  And I like that he cares so much.  It's weird to think of him _not_ being like that.  But once we've been here a while, he'll go back to normal.  Or... a _little_ more normal, at least."

"Does that mean you guys are staying?"

_She sounds excited about that!_  Ellie thought happily.  "Yeah, I think so.  For a while.  Not forever, but a few months?"  Ray and Janelle had told them they were welcome to stay as long as they wanted to.  They hadn't even had to make themselves _~_ useful~ all that much, though Joel said volunteering to help with chores and shit could only help, and she had to agree.  "We'd be crazy to go back to Jackson for the winter when we can have... _this_."  She gestured at the ocean, its beauty still powerful enough to captivate her even though she'd seen it a bunch of times now. 

"You can have that anywhere out here, though," Sophie pointed out.  "Anywhere on the coast.  I do hope you stay, though.  I've always wanted a little sister."

"What?"  Ellie was really taken aback by that -- and she blushed, for some reason.  _I thought blushing was just a me'n'Joel thing now!_  She stared at her bare feet like they had suddenly become fascinating.  "Is that what I am?"

"The job's yours if you want it!" Sophie said warmly.  "Age-wise... I suppose mother and daughter would be more..."

"Nah.  I like _sisters_ better."  Ellie already had a mother, after all.  Even if she'd never known her.

"Better than... aunt and niece?" Sophie pondered.

"Yep!  Sisters," Ellie said firmly.  "Except sometimes I'm the big sister -- like with the bodyguard stuff."

"Haha!  You're right!  That's definitely more of an older sibling's role.  Anyway... you can still be my sister if you leave.  I'd just miss the bejesus out of you."

"Aww."  Ellie wasn't sure what a bejesus was, but in context, she gathered that Sophie would miss her a lot.  She sidled up close to Sophie and gave her a side hug, and finally took her eyes off her feet enough to at least glance at her.  "I'm sorry I was so mean to you before."

Sophie laughed in surprise and hugged her back.  "When were you mean?"

"Lots of times!  But especially that one day in your house.  When I did that creepy stalker thing."  She'd meant to apologize for that a long time ago; she felt so ashamed of the way she'd acted that it was hard to broach the subject.  She started walking again, kicking away a slimy strand of seaweed or whatever the fuck that shit was that kept washing up.

Sophie fell in step beside her.  "Well, a lot's happened since then," she said kindly.

Of course she would be nice about it.  She was a _nice person_ , unlike Ellie.  "I guess," she muttered.  _Annie is nice, too... nice people like me, for some reason!  Neither of them ever lose their temper and start spewing mean shit that may or may not be deserved--_ Ellie remembered the one time she'd ever heard Annie cuss, and even then, she had been nice.  _TOO nice, since she eventually ended up forgiving that stupid asshole Jacob... maybe her and that cunt Christine are even BFFs now?!  Ha!_   Ellie felt a sudden pang of longing to see her friend.

"And I don't blame you," Sophie continued.  "If I'd known about you and Joel back then..."

Ellie snorted, her nostalgia shelved.  "You would've thought Joel was a pedophile."

"No!  ...er... well, okay, maybe.  Maybe.  I didn't know him very well.  I guess we'll never know.  I certainly wouldn't have bothered trying to... yeah."

"Can I ask you..." ... _Yeah, she's answering everything I ask, so..._ "You would've had sex with him that day, right?"

Sophie laughed again.  "Ellie, you heard him, he didn't want--"

"But say he _did_ want," Ellie insisted.  "Like, maybe I never existed, and he was just this guy... a single guy... you would've fucked him."

"Probably.  Yeah," Sophie said nonchalantly.

_Good, she didn't lie!_   "Even though you... I mean, you weren't in love with him, right?"

"No..."

"But isn't it better to love the guy first, and then sleep with him?  I thought that was the order things were supposed to go."

"In a perfect world."  Sophie snorted.  "It's always been the other way around for me.  Like, get the sex thing out of the way, and if he sticks around--"

"What do you mean, get it out of the way?"

"I mean... guys will act all nice at first... some _are_ nice, and some just act like that to get you in bed.  Or, maybe they only _feel_ like being nice until then... they fall in and out of love real quick?  I dunno.  I really haven't had... a _lot_ of partners.  I was pretty young when the Cordyceps thing happened, and things got so... anyway.  If the sex feels... _off_ , or... sometimes I just lose interest... it's best if we either both fall in love and things are great, or neither of us do, and that's that."

Ellie absorbed that for a moment.  "But... sometimes one of you does and the other doesn't?  Is that what happened with you and Max?"

"Max?  Haha!  What made you think of him?" Sophie seemed more amused than annoyed, at least.

"Why not?  I dunno... you never talk about him, and he never talks about you, I just know that it... wasn't good."

"He... could've been nicer.  That was just... no, I wasn't in love with him, and he sure wasn't in love with me.  I don't know if he's even capable of loving someone."

_So Max is misunderstood by everyone but me?_   Ellie knew he wasn't heartless.  Far from it.  He just didn't like people to see it.  "Like Joel..."

"Whaaat?  He's _nothing_ like Joel!"

"No, that's how Joel used to be.  For like twenty years.  That's what Tommy said.  And he _was_ kind of a dick when I first met him."

"Well, he's obviously not like that anymore.  Because of you, huh?"  Sophie smiled at her knowingly.

Ellie blushed again.  "Maybe."  She liked to think so.

"So maybe Max just needs an Ellie to come along."

_What the fuck?!_   "Fuck that!  I'm not--"

"Not _you_ ," she clarified, laughing.  "But someone in that role.  Someone that comes along and turns everything upside down.  It sure as shit wasn't me.  I don't have anywhere near that kind of patience."

Ellie imagined Joel hanging upside down.  "Ha!  I didn't do that with Joel..." _Well, I DID, literally?  No, wait -- that was Bill.  Hehe!_   "I mean, it wasn't like I was _trying_ to... it just sort of happened."

"Fate!" Sophie declared.  "You guys are like a real life romance novel."

"Something like that, I guess."  Ellie smiled.  "It does seem dumb to worry about... sex stuff, when obviously... but, whatever.  Okay, so... you would fuck these guys, but not fall in love with them.  Or most of them.  Right?"

"Yeah... ?"

"So that's how... is that normal?  Cuz if you have to have between two and ten sex partners to be perfect for whatever guy you _really_ want--"

"Wait -- you mentioned that before.  Who the fuck told you that?  I know it wasn't Joel."

_Um, NO!  He doesn't even want me being FRIENDS with guys!_   "No, he would never... I figure he can overlook that, cuz of my age?  I know he wouldn't want me to go out and fuck people just to... meet the quota.  So... that's not something that was like... common knowledge, back in your day?"

Sophie shook her head... and seemed rather bewildered.  "There's no quota.  That's messed up."

"It was in a magazine, though," Ellie pointed out.

"Aha -- so that's where you got it from!  So what?  One person's opinion."

"An _expert_ , though."

"What makes them an expert?"

"Duh -- they're writing for a _magazine_."

Sophie chuckled.  "Still just one person's opinion.  That's just someone who got a job working for the magazine... they got paid to write things that people would want to read.  Even if they did some kind of study... like polls, or whatever... it doesn't mean that it's some kind of rule or something.  You didn't tell Joel about this, I take it.  There's no way he'd let you believe that bull."

"No... I didn't want him to know I was doing research," Ellie admitted a bit sheepishly.

"Research?  …oh yeah, you mentioned the library before…"

"Yeah.  So I could be... good.  At stuff.  Don't tell him, okay?"  _Me and my big mouth!_

"I wish we'd been friends back then," said Sophie, shaking her head.  "Don't worry about... not being experienced.  Everyone's different.  Maybe someone's a virgin at forty... maybe someone else has had, like... thirty partners before they hit thirty.  There's no... magic number that makes you _just right_ for someone else.  Maybe that article was more like... focusing on the paper qualifications?"

"Paper...?"

"You know, like if things look good 'on paper'... it doesn't mean it works in reality.  Maybe by some kind of... textbook definition, you have to have a, b, and c to be _perrrrfect_.  But real life is way messier than that.  Look at you and Joel -- no one would peg you as the perfect couple _on paper_ , but you seem pretty darn perfect for each other to me."

"Really?  You think so?" Ellie beamed.

"Not like I know what _perfect_ really is?  But you guys love each other like crazy.  I mean, literally crazy -- like burning-your-hand-off-in-a-fire-for-him crazy."

"Hey, my hand is just fine!"

"Yeah, yeah.  And you should've seen him... on those two awful days, Ellie.  Three days, really."  Sophie had told Ellie all about it before; she remembered the time span better than Joel did.  It was like fifty-something hours, spanning three days.  "He... wasn't even human.  He was like this machine... _can't eat / can't sleep / must find Ellie_.  And when we got you out... the way he _cried_..."

"I'm still not sure I believe you about that.  Joel doesn't cry."  She knew Sophie wouldn't have lied about it, though... _I just want to hear her insist it's true!_

"He did!  I shit you not!  Waterworks galore.  And as soon as he had his arms around you, he could sleep again.  In broad daylight and everything.  With _me_ as guard -- so you _know_ the poor man was totally wiped."

"Aww!"  Ellie wished she could have seen Joel cry.  ...then again, maybe she didn't.  He must've been super embarrassed, which would've make things awkward, and then she'd feel like a dick if she teased him about it.

"Anyway... yeah, don't worry about whatever those magazines said.  You can't... _learn_ that stuff from a magazine.  Forget every single thing you read."

"But some of it--"

"Maybe some of it sounds good, but you'll drive yourself bonkers trying to sort it out, and that's not what... I'm sure whatever you're nervous about, Joel will tell you everything you need to know."

Ellie nodded.  It all sounded so _logical_ , when Sophie said it.  "Okay... but, um... one question?"  She was just dying to know... "Is it like... sexy... to lick a guy's armpit?  Have you ever done that?"

"Lick his armpit?"  Sophie wrinkled her nose.  "I've never done it, but maybe if a person has a sweat fetish..."

"So it's weird?  Joel won't like... be expecting me to do it?"

Sophie laughed.  "He certainly won't expect that, no.  Maybe save that one for another time."

"Oh.  Okay."  Ellie had kind of hoped Sophie would dismiss that one as utter bullshit, too.  _So maybe it IS a thing..._

Sophie seemed to pick up on her disappointment.  "Only if you want to.  Once you start... well, you guys can experiment and find out what you like."

She couldn't imagine that licking sweat would be a pleasurable activity.  But if it felt good for Joel when she did it... "Joel already knows what he likes, though, right?  So should I ask him if he'd like that?"  _He won't let me lick his dick, but maybe his armpit isn't off limits?_

"If you want?  Honestly, for this first time, though... I think you should just let him take the lead and don't think about if you should do this or shouldn't do that..."

So in the end, Sophie sounded just like Joel.  _BE NATURAL_ and all that.  Ellie groaned.  "But if I don't remember to flex my feet at the right time, then..." _What happens?  Why can't I remember?_

"Flex your feet?"  Sophie snorted.  "Curl your toes, maybe."

"Oh great, now I have to do something with my feet _and_ my toes?"

Sophie laughed.  "Nooooo you don't have to _remember_ anything.  If he makes you feel good, it might just... happen."

"Oh."  That _had_ happened already, _maybe... I dunno..._ Ellie frowned.  "Breathe.  That was another one.  I'm supposed to remember to breathe."

"Breathing is good."

Ellie snorted.  "I guess it does sort of sound dumb, saying these things out loud."

"Nahhh.  You just want everything to go well... understandably.  You said you and Joel have done stuff.  Not just kissing.  Right?"

"Right... not like _tons_ of stuff... hardly any since, um..."

"I screwed that up for you," Sophie said, hanging her head.  "Sorry--"

"No!  Well... yeah, but it's okay.  We wanted to help."

" 'Cuz you guys rock.  So -- you've done stuff.  When you're doing that, are you constantly worrying about doing something wrong the whole time?  Or is it fun?"

"Maybe a little... but it's definitely fun!"

"Well, this really isn't gonna be so different from that."

"But it's... _real sex."_

"So is the other stuff."

"...not really?  If it's the same, then why was Joel so freaked out about it all this time?" she challenged.

"Not the same, like... I don't mean that it's not important, or... like losing your virginity is no big deal.  But... it's Joel.  You love him and he loves you and... he's going to make sure you're good... relaxed.  And ready.  Hasn't he been like that so far?"

"Well, yeah... how did you know?"  _Has she been spying on us?!_

"Because he _loves_ you, that's how.  And he's not an asshole.  I've seen how... well, _tender_ he is, with you.  And when you're... if you feel like... maybe you're not ready, I'm sure he'll--"

"Oh, I'm gonna be ready.  I've been ready forever.  _He's_ the one who might wuss out."

"Really?"

"Cuz of my age."  Though lately, that didn't seem to be bothering him as much as it used to.

"Oh, gotcha.  Okay, so just... show him you're ready by not stressing out about all that dumb stuff like curling your feet--"

" _Flexing_ , I think it was."

"Whatever.  I know he won't want to disappoint you.  I bet if you're having a good time and really into it and everything..."

"So... moan a lot."

Sophie smiled.  "If the moans come up, then... let 'er rip, sure.  But don't fake it.  Don't fake _any_ thing."

"Anything, like..." _...that?!_   "Why _would_ I?"

"Maybe you'll find out someday," Sophie said in that annoying _knowing_ way older people had sometimes when they talked about _SOMEDAY_.

"Can't you just fucking _tell_ me?" Ellie said in mock exasperation.

"Not today.  Maybe later."

Ellie snorted again.  "You sound like Joel.  And then it's never 'later' enough."

"Later, like... just not today, right before your first time.  Maybe tomorrow."

Tomorrow... what would tomorrow feel like?  It seemed like a long time from now... when she would be a woman, no longer a little girl in any way.  _Will Joel look at me differently?_   Maybe he wouldn't feel as protective of her anymore... and she wasn't sure she liked the idea of that.  It should make her happy -- how long had she been telling him she wasn't as innocent as he thought she was?!  Now she probably wouldn't be innocent at all, by Joel's standards.  _Why is having a dick inside me going to suddenly make me soooo different, anyway?_

"Ellie?"

"Huh?"

"I asked what you're thinking about?  I mean, besides the obvious."

Ellie chuckled.  "Yeah, not like I've thought about anything else all day.  Um... do you think Joel will be different with me... after?"

"Different how?"

"I dunno..."

"I don't think you have to worry about him bailing on you.  God, if ever there was anyone who--"

"No, no, I know that he's not going to do that."  ... _most of the time._   She realized it had been a while, though, since the thought of Joel leaving had felt like a real possibility.  "I mean like... he _likes_ me being innocent..."

"Huh.  Well... it's not like after tonight, you'll be this... crusty old _wise_ woman..."

Ellie giggled.  "Not _crusty_ , at least."

"I think with as big of a gap in your ages, he'll always kind of think of you as innocent, in some ways."

"Always?"

"Well, you're never going to catch up to him, so... yeah.  Pretty much.  I don't know if innocent's the right word, actually.  Maybe just... protective?  But Ellie -- if anything's different at all, it'll be a good thing.  You guys will just be... closer."

Ellie already felt as close to Joel as humanly possible, so that was hard to imagine.  But she understood how Sophie could think that; she didn't _really_ know how close they already were.  No one did.  "Okay.  Thanks, Sophie."

"...You're good now?  You're not gonna worry about any of that silly stuff?"

"Nope.  I'm good.  Ready to..." _...fuck Joel's brains out!_  She couldn't quite say that out loud, even just to Sophie.  And she could only say it in jest to Joel.  She wasn't even sure what it meant, to fuck a person's _brains_ out.  It didn't make sense, really.  _Plus... eww?_   "For whatever happens," she finally decided on. 

And like Joel had said a few months ago: _we fit together so well in every way, why would this be any different?_

 

* * *

 

"When are you gonna ask me what me and Sophie talked about?" Ellie purred in Joel's ear.

Somehow, even though it kind of felt like time was standing still all day long, it did pass, presumably at the same speed as any other day.  She and Joel had just eaten dinner and helped clean up afterward, and were now enjoying time alone in the lull between dinner and campfire time.  Not completely alone -- just alone enough that they could talk privately, sitting on the terrace with their chairs pushed together.  Ellie wasn't quite in Joel's lap, with the chairs' arms in the way, but their limbs were still tangled up together cozily, holding hands with their arms intertwined, one of her legs snaked through the chair to lay across his.

"I don' need to know what you were talkin' about," Joel replied.  He was idly playing with her hand, stroking her arm...  Quite innocently, but all Ellie could think about was how _not_ -innocently he'd be touching her in just a short while.

"What if I wanna tell you?" Ellie pouted.

"All right," Joel chuckled.  "What do you wanna tell me?"

She glanced around to make sure none of the people milling about had strayed close enough to hear, then whispered, "She was giving me blow job tips..."

"What?!" Joel was so aghast that Ellie almost couldn't restrain her laughter.

"Yep.  That's why you wanted me to talk to her, right?"  Now she did let out an impish giggle...

"No, I-- I didn't think she'd--" Joel spluttered.

_He's pissed!_   "It's okay," Ellie cooed.  "You don't have to act all innocent about it.  I know you want me to--"

"Ellie, no.  She shouldn't've done that," he said firmly.  "I'm... really surprised that she did."

"Well, ~since she did...~" Ellie sing-songed.

"We ain't doin' that."

"But Joel, now I know--"

"I _said_ we ain't doin' that."

Ellie was a little surprised at how vehement he was about that.  She thought sex was the Ultimate Thing, so... wasn't everything else fair game now?  _Fucking's cool, sucking's not?_   Of course, at some point, she would’ve had to admit that Sophie had never imparted any cock-sucking wisdom to her, because otherwise, Joel would think she was just absolutely hopeless if she _still_ couldn't do it right.  But now... _fuck -- he's too irritated!_   She could feel his body tense up a little... the anger working its way through him.  What if he decided they shouldn't have sex at all?  She couldn't risk that!  _This was a dumb idea!_   "Okay, so, um... actually, she never said anything like that.  I didn't even ask her that.  Ha!"

Joel stared at her a moment, like he was trying to determine if she was lying.

"I swear, Joel!  I was just messing with you.  Really!"  She squeezed his hand hard, as if the strength of her grip would prove her sincerity.

He exhaled.  Shook his head a little.  "You were just... _why?"_

"I dunno... I thought it was funny?  But I see now that it wasn't, so... I'm sorry."  She bit her lip; she would be _really_ sorry if this made him change his mind about tonight!

But then he smiled a little.  "I s'pose it's _kind_ of funny.  You had me goin’ there for a minute.”

Ellie grinned.  “I did, didn’t I!” She kind of wanted to ask him what the big deal would be if they _had_ talked about that… but she didn’t want to get into the same old argument such questions usually led to.  Not tonight!  _He’s in a good mood, so he’s cool with your little joke, but don’t push him, Ellie…_

_But hey – maybe this is what tonight will be like?  If I fuck up, I just apologize and it’s all good… because he loves me, and he’s NOT going to think I’m TOO LAME for him (poor Sophie!)…_

“So what were you actually talkin' about?” asked Joel.

"Um... she told me about her first time.  How she was just kind of _there_ and didn't do anything special -- and the guy didn't love her."  Ellie paused, wondering if maybe it was uncool of her to blab to Joel about Sophie's love life.  "Don't tell anyone I told you, 'k?"

Joel chuckled at that.  "Who the hell would I tell?"

"I dunno... her, I guess?"

"You think I'm jus' gonna start tellin' her I know all about--"

"Fine!  But just... don't, okay?  She was just... like... telling me how lucky I am -- which I already knew, of course."  She squiggled up a little to give him a peck on the cheek, then relaxed again.  "She was very reassuring about... stuff."

"Mm.  That's good.  I told you, you've got nothin' to worry about."

"She says _you_ have more to--" _...ugh, don't tell him that, Ellie!  Isn't he already worried?_

"...more to... what -- worry about?"

"Not exactly," Ellie hedged.  "She thinks you're prob'ly nervous about somehow fucking up my first time.  But... I guess she doesn't know how good you are at all that sex stuff?  I mean, how could she know!  Right?"

Joel chuckled again.  "I'm a little nervous.  Sure.  I want you to like it."

"I _will_ like it, Joel, I promise!"  It was kind of sweet that he was nervous.  Ellie knew he had absolutely no reason to feel that way, but she liked that he did.

"See, that... right there... that makes me a little nervous."

"What?"  She looked at him, confused.  _...Is he serious?  All I said was--_

"You don' know if you'll like it, 'cause you haven't experienced it yet.  But you say what you think I want to hear, so then I--"

"No!  No no no -- I just meant --" _Fuck!_   She hadn't thought of it coming across that way.  "I mean -- I _love_ you -- all I want is to be with you... so in that way, I _know_ \--"

"All right... calm down..." He leaned over and gave her a quick little kiss, then caressed her cheek -- and looked at her in that heart-melting-ly adoring way that Ellie loved so much.  "It's okay if you _don't_ like it.  Some people don't.  I jus' want you to be honest with me.  You've done that before, so I know you can do it now.  Even if it's... _not_ what you think I want to hear.  I wanna hear the truth.  That's all.  All right?"

"Someone's coming!" Ellie hissed as she watched this guy named Rich approach.  Rich was somewhere around Joel's age (although his hair was almost totally gray, which she figured meant he was older).  He even liked to wear plaid shirts, like Joel did.  But his hair was longer, and he wore it in a ponytail -- a nape-of-the-neck one, because for some reason, guys didn't seem to like wearing them even as high as she did, which wasn't all that high.  She and Joel were still trying to get used to not hiding their relationship, and she was pleased when Joel didn't pull away from her at all... didn't withdraw his arm, didn't make her take her leg back.  He let his hand fall back to her arm, but that was totally understandable.  People didn't go around rubbing other people's cheeks while talking to a third party, after all.

Rich had his guitar slung over him.  "Hey, you two," he greeted them when he got close enough.  "I'm headin' down there now... you wanna come practice a little and maybe play for the gang tonight?"

Ellie wasn't sure why Joel was hesitant to play for them.  She knew why _she_ was -- because she sucked!  She would need a lot more lessons to feel comfortable playing for anyone other than Joel, as her instructor.  Joel, however, had wanted to be a _singer_ in his past life -- shouldn't performing be in his blood?  But so far, he'd shied away from it.  _Maybe I shouldn't have told everyone how good he is?_   "Yeah, um... maybe we'll come down in a minute then!" Ellie replied cheerfully.

"Cool -- don't wait too long," Rich advised.  "It's almost that time.  Seats fill up fast around here."

"There aren't any seats," Ellie laughed.

"Oh yes there most certainly are!" Rich replied.  "They're just buttprints in the sand, but they're seats."

Joel smiled a little, too.  "We'll practice in the afternoon some time, then.  But we'll still come down in a bit.  Thank you."

"Okay, all right -- seeya in a few."

Ellie waited until he'd gone down the steps onto the beach before waggling her eyebrows at Joel and grinning.  "If they only knew what we're gonna do _after_..."

Joel smirked.  "Half of 'em prob'ly assume we're already doin' it."

"Half?  You think?"

"At least."

"So... why is it okay-- why are people _here_ okay with it, but not back home?"

"Well... I ain't sure."  Joel thought for a moment.  "I don' know how... _okay_ they really are with it..."

"You think it's cuz maybe we'll be gone soon?  Or... they _think_ we'll be gone soon... so like... it's not their problem?"

"Maybe.  I think it's more like... what Sophie said.  People don' know us any different here.  Right away they knew we were... how we are.  Not father an' daughter."

"So they don't think they have to like... _save_ me from you, or whatever stupid shit? _'Too late!  He's already corrupted that little girl, so who gives a fuck!'_   Right?"

Joel chuckled.  "Uh... not exactly 'who gives a fuck,' but maybe somethin' like that.  Havin' Sophie on our side really helps, I think."

"Even though they don't know her?"

"That girl an' her parents know her.  But... yes, 'cause she's at least outside of... us.  The relationship.  She can see it more objectively than you or me, bein' in it ourselves."

Ellie snorted.  "I bet if she'd known about us back in Jackson, though, she would've freaked.  She had to get to know us a little better first."

"Maybe.  Point is, she acts like it's normal.  The two of us.  Like it's a good thing."

"It _is_ a good thing!"

" 'Course it is.  But when you're sellin' somethin' that's hard to sell... it helps to have testimonials.  So people know you ain't full of shit."

"We're not trying to _sell_ ourselves..."

"You want people to accept us, right?  It's nice that we don' have to hide who we are?"

"Of course."

"That's the thing we want people to buy.  I think some of 'em don' care... maybe they see how happy you are an' figure there's--"

"Or how happy _you_ are?" Ellie interjected.

Joel snorted.  "That ain't the issue.  Of course a dirty old man's gonna be happy with--"

"Uggghhhh shut up, you're not a--"

"An _older_ man, then.  Maybe some of 'em haven't made up their minds yet, but overall, so far..."

So far, they'd all seemed pretty chill.  It was almost too good to be true.  "...at least they're not throwing rocks?" she finished.

Joel leaned over and kissed her temple.  "Exactly."

Even if they were, Ellie wasn't going to let anything get in the way of the amazing night ahead.  The last couple nights, she'd been a little sad to see the campfire singing come to an end, but tonight, she'd probably be too distracted to even remember the lyrics to songs she knew, and she'd be counting down the minutes until they were over.  _No, don't be like that, Ellie... enjoy it, still... live in the moment.._. it was fun, in a maddening sort of way, to have _TONIGHT_ to look forward to all day long.  In general, though, the future could still be a little scary to think about.  _This moment_ was the only thing she was guaranteed.  She needed to cherish every single one, _especially_ the ones with Joel... no matter what they were doing.

She still struggled with that, sometimes.  She just loved him so fucking _much_ , and the threat of losing him hung over her like a dark cloud -- _can't outrun those dark ones!_   In the end, it would catch up to her.  The only solution she could think of was to try not to think about it.  Eventually, she would be miserable, yes, but she couldn't let herself be miserable _now_ , in anticipation of future misery.  That wouldn't be fair to Joel, and might eventually drive him away or make him fall out of love with her -- which would make her miserable on a whole different level! _I love him... and it's way too late to UNlove him now.  I just want him to be happy.  He's happy when I'M happy, and him being happy makes ME happy... that's the cycle I need to keep up._

She couldn't imagine loving him any more than she did right now, but what if Sophie was right?  Would tonight bring them even closer?  _...isn't that kind of why I want to have sex with him -- because it DOES bring people closer?  He said it himself -- it's as close as two people can be... ahhhhhhhh I can't wait to find out!_


	45. The First Time - Part 1: "And I have loved you dearly..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title contains a lyric from "The Last Farewell" by Roger Whittaker -- and, to kill two ~~birds~~ A/Ns with one stone, Part 2 contains the lyric that follows this one.
> 
> You'll see I tried something different with the POV, in both parts/chapters. It still feels weird to me, but I hope you guys like it :)

"Where are we going?" asked Ellie, swinging Joel's hand merrily.  It was kind of a dumb question, as there was only one place they _could_ be going, in this direction... well, two, but she was pretty sure Joel wasn't going to drag her into the freezing-ass ocean while fully clothed.  _Although walking into the rocks doesn't seem much more appealing..._

"You'll find out in a minute," Joel replied mysteriously, enjoying the eagerness in her voice.  _Trust me, baby girl... I did my homework..._

The fire was still going strong, far behind them now.  Ellie thought it was a shame she was going to miss out on Keith's ghost stories -- allegedly _legendary_ ghost stories, at that -- but guitar time was about all she was willing to sit through tonight.  _Because it's not just tonight... it's TONIGHT!!!_   Joel and Ellie had slipped away during the short break between the two activities.  Ellie figured she could probably persuade Keith to repeat the good ones for her another time... and if anyone asked her tomorrow why they hadn't stuck around, she totally planned on telling them -- with a straight face, if she could manage it -- that Joel would've gotten too scared.  "Did anyone see us go this way, you think?" she wondered.

"Maybe, but they sure can't see us now."  The moon was somewhere between new and first-quarter, so it was pretty dark out.  Joel wondered how furious Ellie would've been if he'd suggested they wait until the moon was full. _"For the full romantic effect,"_ he would proclaim -- and then she'd probably accuse him of coming up with yet another ~excuse~ to postpone their first time.  They had their flashlights, but using them would surely catch the eye of someone by the fire.  "Anyhow, Sophie's gonna be our look-out," he assured her.

"Really?  You told her where we're going?"  Ellie wasn't sure how she felt about that.  She wasn't entirely convinced that Sophie hadn't spied on them a little already... _as a little friendly payback for that time in her bedroom, maybe?!  She's nicer than me, but she does have a mischievous streak..._

"For reinforcement... to make sure no one interrupts us," Joel explained.

"No one except her, maybe."  Ellie giggled softly.  She decided it would be hilarious if Sophie came after them.  So hilarious that she had to share.  "Wouldn't it be funny if she came and spied on us the way I spied on you and her?"

Joel slowed their pace as they neared their destination.  "Except she won't be able to see shit unless she climbs over _this_ , an' I'm sure I'd hear that.  Or see her flashlight beam first."  He surveyed the rock jetty in front of them... or, tried to.  The solar lamps lit the pathways all over the grounds, but there weren't any on the beach whatsoever.  The fire served as adequate lighting for a large enough portion of the beach, especially given that most people didn't go swimming at night.  At least not this time of year.  _I hope Ellie doesn't get too cold out here..._

"So we're climbing over this rock?" Ellie asked, clearly dubious.

It couldn't have been more than ten feet high, and they weren't close enough to the water for it to get slippery.  Even when the waves were at their tallest, they didn't break this far up the beach (he'd checked on that, too).  He'd just have to go more by feel than by sight.  "It's easy.  Did it this afternoon.  Might be a little trickier now.  Jus' let me go first an' I'll help you."

_When did he do that?!_   She thought he'd been on the boardwalk all afternoon, except for the brief time when he'd helped her and the kids with the sand sculpting.  _Maybe right after that... when he said he was going to the bathroom... ha!_   Ellie watched him start to climb.  It was approximately one second before she reached out to grab him -- by the leg, since that's what she could reach.  "Wait!  Joel, what if you fall and break your neck?  Maybe we should go down and... climb over it in the water there, where it's lower."

"Ain't it cold enough out here without gettin' in the water?" Joel protested.  But he obligingly dropped back down to the ground.

It _was_ a bit breezy.  Not bad with her clothes on, but... "Then let me turn on my flashlight," Ellie suggested.

"Don' need it.  I'll turn mine on when I go over, all right?  The rock will hide most of the light on the other side."  They might need to keep it on, since it was so damn dark.  The last thing he wanted was for Ellie to have a panic attack while in the throes of passion.

"I don't know..."

He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.  "Ellie.  It's a goddamn _rock_.  It ain't even steep.  You think after everythin' we've been through, a fall is gonna do me in?"  Before she could state the obvious, he added, "There's no rebar on the other side.  I checked.  Nothin' but sand."

_Did you have to remind me of THAT time?!_  "Okay, but... things go wrong for us.  We shouldn't take any chances," Ellie insisted stubbornly.

"More things go right than go wrong, don'tcha think?" he said softly, rubbing circles on her back and kissing down the side of her face to her neck.

"Mm... I guess."

_I thought **I** was the worrywart here_, Joel mused to himself.  At least when it came to tangible shit, like physical dangers; Ellie seemed to have the market cornered on the psychological stuff.  And now, he couldn't resist:  "You said you wanted your first time to be on the beach.  Maybe we should wait a couple weeks 'til the moon--"

"No fucking way!"  She'd been waiting for _months_ already!  She glared daggers at Joel, even though she knew he couldn't see them.

He only smirked a little at the profusion of outrage packed into those three words.  "Or we could go back to our room," he suggested.

"No!  No, I _do_ want to be on the beach." She sighed.  "And I don't want any snoops coming over to investigate if we use a flashlight.  Just do it."

Ideally, Sophie would run interference there, but she couldn't have eyes on every resident at once.  Someone could slip by her.  Or head over after the fire went out.  _Well, no use dwelling on that.  No peeping Tom is gonna stop us from being together now, no matter what._   Joel gave Ellie a quick kiss and turned back to the wall of rock.  With plenty of places for his hands and feet to find purchase, he scaled it by feel in just a few seconds.  He dropped to the ground on the other side and wiped his hands off on his pants; he preferred to touch Ellie in her more intimate places when his hands were clean, but there wasn't much they could do about that while outside.  _At least it won't be my fingers going inside her this time..._

"Are you okay?" Ellie called after him with quiet urgency.  She knew he was when she heard the click of his flashlight.  _Fuck, even from right here I can't really see much light from it!_

"I'm fine, kiddo.  Come on over an' I'll catch you."  It was sweet, how worried she was that something would go wrong; her concern must've equaled (or even exceeded) that from an actual battle.  His flashlight was clipped somewhat haphazardly to his shirt, as he wasn't wearing either a backpack or shoulder holster to affix it to (the hip holster he _was_ wearing was too low).

She scaled the rock wall almost as quickly as Joel had; it wasn't all that sharp of an incline.  On the other side, either.  "I got it," she said, but Joel was right there with his arms open... waiting for her...

_...Whoa!_   She froze in place.  "I just got the weirdest feeling... oh!  I know what it is -- déjà vu!"

Joel was surprised she knew that term.  "You've... been here in another life?"

"No... I think... oh! it's like that one time... like six months ago now."  _Time DOES fly... kind of... just not when TONIGHT is on the horizon!_   "When I found out about the Fireflies.  And you came looking for me."

She slid down the rock right into his arms, much like she'd done then.  Joel squeezed her.  "I remember.  Figured you couldn't hate me _too_ bad since you let me hold you."

Ellie smiled up at him.  "Of course I didn't hate you.  And... I never would've been able to leave, you know."

Joel remembered how angry she'd been; there was no _of course_ about it, if memory served, but it was fine with him if she didn't remember that part (or _chose_ not to remember it now).  "Damn straight you wouldn't've.  I wouldn't've let you."

She giggled as he kissed her.  "Besides that.  I couldn't do it.  And I didn't even know that we'd be... like this.  Here.  About to... make love."  The words still tasted a little funny in her mouth, but she tried not to show it.

Joel quirked an eyebrow, amused.  She'd used that term once or twice before, but never with ease, whereas any variation of the f word came quite naturally to her.  "What happened to fuckin'?"

"Fine -- about to _fuck_ ," she corrected cheekily.

He sighed good-naturedly.  "Don' know if I can do that for your first time."

"You can't fuck me?"

"Nope."

"But you can... _make love_ to me," she tried it out again.

"Yep."

"It's the same basic thing, silly."  She liked to tease him, but secretly, she loved that he disagreed with her on that point.  Loved that Big Bad Joel was a closet _romantic_.

Joel smirked.  "Tab A into Slot B?"

_He remembers that!_  "Yes!  If you wanna kiss and stuff for a while first though I'm cool with that," she graciously allowed.  "But... not 'til you put it in, cuz... otherwise that defeats the purpose of doing it soft, right?" _...yay I didn't giggle!_

"...Right.  About that..." _Damn, I still don't want to burst her bubble..._

"About what?"  Then she gasped.  "Wait -- you're not hard already, are you?!"  She hadn't felt anything going on yet, but she thrust her hand down there to make sure.

He smirked again.  "No, but if you keep your hand there..."

She ducked away before he could kiss her again.  "Noooo!  You're right -- no fooling around until... it's time.  So how much farther are we going?"

Joel took her hand and started leading her across the beach again, slightly inland.  "Not far."

Ellie had to laugh at the way he was furtively glancing around.  Like the piddly light from the flashlight might draw attention to them even beyond that big rock?  "~There's no one here~" she sing-songed.

"Jus' makin' sure.  Right here..."  Joel made a sweeping _voilà!_ type gesture...

...to a blanket in the sand, tucked into a little cliff like a bed in a tiny -- cozy -- room.  The outside corners of the blanket were pinned in place by rocks.  She saw a towel and comforter, too, stacked neatly by the inside wall.  _Aww... when did he have time to do this??_   "Wow... so this is where..." _...I'm going to lose my virginity!_  She probably could have said that out loud, but for some reason, Ellie still had this tiny fear that Joel would suddenly decide that he wasn't ready.  Like he might be struck by the magnitude of it in a new way.

"This is where," Joel agreed.  "If it's all right.  I know it ain't much."

"It's awesome!" Ellie assured him.  "Is this... that rock before -- it's the one you walk through up top that goes to the golf course?"  The place was fucking _ginormous_.

"Yes.  You can't even see the ocean from up there, an' the cliff is steep enough that I don' think anyone will come sneak up on us that way.  At least not at night." 

"But we're still inside."

"Right.  Jus' nosy neighbors to look out for."  He'd still brought a gun, of course; strapping on a weapon was just part of getting dressed.

Ellie looked around and nodded approval.  "I like it."

He'd thought about scattering flower petals over the blanket, but even to him, that seemed a bit over the top.  "Technically, it _is_ the beach, you can see the waves... but it feels a little more... private.  An' a little more protected from the wind.  There's another comforter under there, too, in case it's... I don' know how comfy it'll be, on the ground.  It's a bit dark, too... in my head, I was thinkin' starlight'n'moonlight would be enough, but... now I don' think so.  We can leave the flash--"

Ellie cut him off with a kiss.  "It's perfect!  And you don't have to worry about the lights, cuz..." She unzipped her hoodie, lifted her sweatshirt a little, and pulled out the two tapered candles she'd been hiding there against her belly.  She was glad to be rid of them -- every time they shifted a little, she had to fight the urge to fidget with her clothes.  She grinned at the surprised look on his face.  "I've got matches too, in my back pocket here..."

"Where did you find these?"

"The warehouse."

Now Joel was even more surprised; he hadn't heard of any such thing here.  "They have a--" he started to ask.

"In Jackson," she clarified with a proud grin.

"You... really?  These have been with us the whole time?"  _Damn, she still surprises me sometimes..._

"Yep.  Not in the main part of my backpack so they were kinda hidden.  That first night that we... when you used the candle... remember?  It was so nice.  Romantic, like.  I wanted it to be like that again."  _He still looks shocked!_   Maybe it was a dumb idea.  "Is it really that weird?"

"No... no, not at all.  But with your... we could've used those, for..."

Ellie shrugged.  "Didn't need them.  I mean, obviously, if I'd had them at the time, I would've used them."  She probably would've set everything on fire -- and either drawn Joel's attention much faster, or burned to death.  "But after that... I had the flashlight.  And you.  Joel, seriously, if you'd been in there with me, I wouldn't've been freaked out at all, even in the pitch black."

Joel found that hard to believe, but it was a nice thought.  He put his hands over hers, holding the candles with her.  "I wish I'd been there.  Except I don' think Sophie could've pulled us both out," he said lightly.

"Pfff.  We wouldn't've needed her.  You could've got us out somehow."

Joel looked at her sweet, earnest face and felt a fist squeezing his heart... not in a good way.  _She honestly believes that.  How can she believe that after I let her down? ...because she doesn't KNOW._   She didn't know the mistakes he'd made that had caused her to suffer so much, in both trapping her there and not finding her quickly.  He leaned down and brushed his lips across hers.  "I love you."

"Aww.  I love you, too!" _He looks like he's gonna cry!_   She knew he wouldn't, but she turned and looked around the little cove anyway, in case he needed a moment.  "Where should I put these..."

Joel took them from her.  "How 'bout... one here, an' one over here..."

Ellie knelt in front of the first one he'd plunged into the sand.  She worked it back and forth, driving it into the ground the same way Adam had taught her to do with a beach umbrella yesterday.  That was easy enough -- way easier than the umbrella -- but getting the fucking thing to _light_ was something else...

Joel watched as she fumbled with the matches and cussed under her breath.  "Can I help?" he offered.

"I think maybe these got wet.  Fuck!  I didn't think my pocket got wet but I guess it must have.  Great."  Of all the things she'd worried that she might fuck up on this night, this one hadn't occurred to her.  She shooed Joel's hand away, determined to get it herself... and she did, on like the twentieth try.  _"Yes!"_

As soon as she moved away to light the other one, the candle blew out.

"Too windy," Joel remarked.  "Maybe if we try it over here..."

"Ow!  Fuck, this one won't stay lit either, and now I have to get another match to light.  Ugh!"

They tried a few more sheltered spots... the only places that worked were the actual corners of the little 'room,' where the two tallest sections of rock met.  Joel pulled the corners of the blanket away from the rock to drive the candles into the sand.

"Okay, cool," said Ellie with satisfaction, kneeling in the center of the blanket.

Joel stared at one of them, frowning.  "I don' like 'em there, Ellie.  It might be all right, but it's gonna be in my head that one of 'em might tip over an' catch the blanket on fire or somethin'."  _And maybe we'd be too distracted to notice until one of us gets singed!_

Ellie giggled.  "We should've kept that burned blanket!  Then it wouldn't matter!"

Joel snorted.  They'd replaced that one even before the scavenger's paradise of Sacramento.  "I should've made little candle holder... things... in the wall there."  Out of _what_ , though...

"Well, you didn't know," Ellie said sensibly, turning to kiss his cheek.  She could have brought _actual_ candle holders, but with their awkward shape, she was pretty sure Joel would have felt those under her clothes -- or maybe seen a tell-tale bulge -- and ruined the surprise.  But the candles would still be on the ground, and it didn't seem like Joel would trust that they wouldn't get knocked over somehow.  "It's okay.  They're far enough into the ground, see?"  She poked at one to demonstrate.

Joel was kneeling beside her, still studying the scene.  "Is that... are we too close to the wall?"

_...no?_   Ellie thought that was a strange question, but only for a moment -- then she realized he was clearly trying to be considerate of her newly-manifested claustrophobia.  She kissed him sweetly.  "No.  But thanks for thinking of that."

"I still don' like these here, so close to us..." It was probably fine, but even if they wouldn't tip over, he didn't want to worry about Ellie accidentally flinging her hand into it or something -- and she didn't need one more thing to worry about, either.  Joel plucked a candle out of the sand.  Without the wall's protection, the damn thing didn't want to stay lit, naturally.  They could try to protect it with a mound of their clothes as they shed them, maybe... _no, I'd be thinking it might catch those on fire, too._   The flashlight wouldn't be nearly as romantic, but it was better than nothing.  Joel sighed in resignation when he picked up the other one and watched it go out as well.

Ellie could have tried to argue that the candles were fine where they were, but she didn't think she'd be able to convince Joel of that -- and it _would_ suck pretty bad to get interrupted by something catching fire.  "Was it this windy before?  It wasn't that bad by the fire..."

There'd been a _little_ bit of wind... not enough to affect the fire, but that was obviously a lot bigger than the small candles.  And the smoke _had_ chased everyone away from one side of it.  "Sorry... so much for makin' it perfect."

"It's okay.  We don't have strawberries or champagne, so it already wasn't perfect, right?" she said with a grin.

He leaned over and kissed her softly.  "Right... not sure how we'll manage without that..." They could have had strawberries, but Ellie had charitably suggested that they donate the rest of them to the community.  _She's just too sweet sometimes -- but it was the right thing to do._

"I do like your first idea... of starlight," said Ellie, stroking his arm soothingly.  "We don't need to have any other light at all.  Not after... um... well, I wanted you to..."  _You're not supposed to TELL him,_ she scolded herself.

"Wanted me to what?  Anythin' you want me to do, I'll do."

"Aww!" She kissed him for that.  _Does that mean you'll let me suck your dick, Joel?_   "No, it's not something you _do_... just... Can we take our clothes off now?  While the light's still on?"

Joel chuckled.  Usually Ellie preferred to be naked in the dark. _Maybe she wants to SEE everything for her first time?_   He was leaning toward leaving the flashlight on.  The light was harsh, but they'd still pretty much be in the dark if he directed it away from them.  "Yes ma'am.  I don' want you to get cold, though... I'll try to keep the top blanket... up... or maybe we should keep our tops on so we don' get--"

"No!  We have to be naked!" Ellie exclaimed.  It would be hard to get out of her sexy thingie with her top still on, anyway, but worse than that -- he wouldn't even  _see_  it.  And it was his skin that she wanted to feel against hers, not the fabric of his shirt.  She pivoted around and quickly yanked at her shoelaces enough to kick off her shoes with ease, then nudged Joel to sit with his legs outstretched so she could tug his boots off while he unstrapped his holster.  "Somehow this doesn't seem as sexy as like... taking off your pants," she observed.

"Sure it is."  Joel returned the favor by starting to gently tug her hair out of its braid as soon as he could pull her up close to him again; it looked pretty in that style, but tonight, he wanted it loose.  "I ain't picky... it's all sexy.  Takin' off clothes is still takin' off clothes."

"That's very... insightful," she teased.  Then she started to unbutton his shirt while he went to work on her jeans, kissing her sweetly... slowly... they were in no hurry, and she already knew Joel wanted to go slow, but even so, he had her jeans off before she'd even undone the last shirt button.  She could feel the goosebumps forming on her legs.  "Uh-oh, you're ahead of me..."

"Is it a race?"

She giggled softly.  "How come you don't get distracted by the kissing like I do?"

"Jus' better at multi-taskin', I guess.  But you're gonna have to help me out with your shirt here... -hey, what's..." Joel felt something silky where he'd expected to feel skin.  He'd felt it before, when tugging on her jeans, but thought it was just one of her better pairs of panties... he shifted a little to try to get a better look, and Ellie yanked the sweatshirt up and over her head as quickly as she could, removing her hoodie along with it.

Goosebumps now dotted pretty much all her exposed flesh below the neck.  She pulled Joel down on top of her, hugging him close.  How he could still feel warm, she had no idea.  He was only covering her torso, but he'd managed to pull the blanket up over her legs before she hugged him.  "Brrrrr!  Man, I really wanted to show you... but it's fucking freezing out here!"

"I'll just have to warm you up then.  I can see what you're wearin' up close..." Joel kissed her neck, since that was where her deathgrip had placed his head, and he tried to caress her arm, but Ellie didn't seem to like that.

"My arm's all gross," she explained.

He wasn't anywhere near the bite mark, and that had never bothered her before... then he realized she was referring to her goosepimpled flesh.  "No it ain't.  That's just--"

"I know what it is -- it's still -- ugh, my whole body is gross!" she wailed dramatically.  _It's supposed to be all soft and smooth to make you want to touch it more!_

"Your whole body is... _cold_ ," he corrected, but he rubbed her side instead, grazing her breast.  He lifted himself a little to try to see what the hell it was that she was wearing.  It was silky... dark... its neckline plunged practically to her navel... "Where did you get this?  I like it."

"I have my ways," she said mysteriously, pleased that he seemed to like the feel of it.

"You do, hmm?" he murmured, nuzzling her cleavage. 

"Wait -- Joel, you can't get hard yet, remember?"

"I'm not."

"But you will be... even if my skin's all gross, my... _this_ thing... isn't..."

"None of you is gross."  And he'd be hard soon enough... _I'll have to tell her... maybe not quite yet, though..._ or maybe it was like telling a kid there's no Santa Claus:  _Better to just let them work it out on their own when the time is right._ He wanted to take his time, and kiss her in places she wasn't used to being kissed... get her all relaxed before getting her all aroused... he was starting to have some serious misgivings about doing this outside.  _She gets cold so easily... I'll need to keep us both covered up so she doesn't freeze when I move around.._. She was already shivering a little.  He shifted up and kissed her deeply, hoping to generate some heat that way.  She responded to it... didn't seem to mind his hand roving over her chest and then back to her 'gross' arm now, until--

_Something's crawling over my legs!_ Ellie broke the kiss to squeal (like a fucking _girl,_ to her dismay), and she started kicking her feet like crazy.

"What?  What's wrong?"  He couldn't help being a little alarmed at her antics.

"Something just ran over me!  I felt it!"

Joel rolled off of her to retrieve the flashlight and survey the area surrounding her legs.  He had vetted the place for critters.  Twice -- both daytime and nighttime.  He'd even had to let Ellie out of his sight to do it -- for _all_ of the preparation, naturally -- but he'd wanted the spot to be a surprise for her, so he'd had no choice.  Just because there were no signs of life before didn't mean there couldn't possibly be something there now, however.  He searched through the layers of blankets... and found nothing.  "You sure it wasn' jus' the blanket?  This here top blanket.  I was movin' it a bit to try to keep you all covered up..."

She would feel pretty dumb if she'd just freaked out over a fucking _blanket_.  It was girly enough to freak out over a creepy-crawly as it was.  "No, it wasn't.  It was a... _thing_ ," she insisted.  " _Some_ thing.  I don't know what.  I guess it ran off."

Joel didn't believe that, but _she_ obviously did, and there was no sense in arguing it.  "All right, well... it's gone now.  See?  Jus' the blanket."

Ellie tried to convince herself of that.  "Just the blanket... just the blanket... or... maybe Sammy..."

"Who?"  It sounded like she'd said _Sammy_...

"He's a friend -- it's okay, he's my friend... yeah..."

Joel had no idea what the hell she was talking about, but the way she was talking now was... clearly some form of self-soothing.  _She's cold... she should come back inside this cave thing..._ He scooted toward her and laid a hand on her shoulder.  "Ellie--"

"I'm not scared," she told him, in case that needed clarifying.  "I'm only trembling cuz it's cold out."

"I know."  Except... it looked to Joel like she was on the verge of a panic attack.  Her breathing had quickened, her gaze was darting around... and it wasn't like her to get so upset about a bug.  But ever since... _since those two days_... "You know what?  This ain't workin' so well.  I think we should jus' chalk it up to a good idea turned bad an' save it for another time."

_\--WHAT?!_   Ellie's heart plunged to her toes.  _Nonononononono--_ "No!  No, I'm sorry!  I can do it!  I'll be bett--"

"Ellie, stop!  It ain't your fault."  He tried to tuck her hair behind her ears, but the wind kept untucking it.  He settled for trying to caress her cheek instead.  "Besides that, you're cold and miserable.  Your first time shouldn' be--"

She clutched his arm.  "My first time should be right here, right now!" she pleaded desperately.

"That's jus' your stubbornness talkin'."

_Nononononooooooooooo_ ”Joel-- no-- really--"  Her grip on his arm tightened. 

"Take a breath, kiddo..." Joel knew she was fighting it -- knew that of all the times to be overtaken with panic, now was most definitely not the time she would've chosen -- but he'd seen enough of them now to know that it was too late to prevent it.  Actually, he'd probably made it worse.  _Why couldn't I have calmed her down a little and THEN called this off?_ he berated himself.

Ellie let go of him and tried to take deep breaths, but could only manage short, panicky ones.  Her thoughts raced through her head in rapid little bursts that mimicked her breathing.  _Fuck!  Why does this have to happen NOW? -- Joel's totally going to think -- he'll assume this means -- he'll think I'm not ready! -- Like I'm scared to do it or something! -- And he already-- fuck -- he wanted to give up! --  Before! -- Now he'll REALLY-- omigod I HATE this -- Fuck fuck fuckity FUCK-- I'm going to die -- I can't fucking BREATHE and I'm going to die--_

Joel managed to get her sweatshirt on her before the panic attack hit her full force.  She pulled her bare legs up to her chest and started rocking back and forth, gasping for air as if she wasn't actually taking any into her lungs.  He desperately wanted to pull her into his arms and calm her down; he always wanted to when it happened, but he'd learned that it was better to just sit beside her, perhaps with a hand on her shoulder or her back (nothing that restricted her movement).  So she'd know he was right there with her -- even if she went away, somewhere in her head where he couldn't follow, part of her would know.  But if he tried to hold her, she would freak out even more -- as if having his arms around her cut off her already-meager air supply? -- and she'd push him away.  It was perplexing, because just about any other time she was upset (including when she had a nightmare, which... wasn't so different from this?), she _did_ want him to hold her.  As long as it wasn't _him_ that she was upset with, anyway.  _...and she ain't upset with me... it's a panic attack, nothing personal... I think..._

She didn't usually cry, even during these debilitating attacks, so he was surprised to notice that tears were now streaming down her cheeks.  ... _Maybe it's from being all revved up for tonight?_

Ellie was staring straight ahead, into the darkness.  Her voice sounded robotic:  "Joel -- I really want -- to do this --”

"I know.  We will, when the time is right.  I promise."  He started gently rubbing her back, and she allowed it, though he wasn't sure how helpful it was.

"I'm sorry -- I fucked it up -- I still--"

"Ssshh sshh sshh, you didn't fuck anything up, baby girl." It broke his heart to hear her talk like that.  _After all this time, it's still there..._ The insecurity.  The if-I'm-not-perfect-I'm-fucked mentality he'd been working so hard to eradicate from her psyche.  "Don' try to talk, jus' ride it out like--”

"No -- I did -- it was me -- just gimme another chance -- please -- please, Joel?"  _If I don't die first--_

"It ain't about... chances.  If it ain't workin', it ain't workin'.  Not your fault." He kissed her temple.  "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine.  I should've anticipated--"

"Noooo-- shut up -- you didn't -- it's me -- it's always _me_ \--" she moaned miserably, burying her head in her knees.

"Ellie, stop -- you know it'll pass faster if you don' try to talk.  We'll talk when it's over, all right?  Jus' breathe for me... big, deep breaths." The gasping sounded suspiciously more like sobbing now -- and Joel figured having her face in her knees wasn't going to help her catch her breath.  "Ellie... can you look at me?  Please?"

She did lift her head, but looked away from him, ashamed.  Her body and her mind were having a showdown.  She knew it would pass, she knew intellectually that she wasn't dying... but her stupid body never seemed to realize it, and it always managed to trick her mind.  Her heartbeat accelerated, and she couldn't breathe; that seemed to be all it took to convince her brain she was about to die -- that even though she'd survived all the other attacks, maybe _this_ time was different.  Since she'd identified a trigger that one day with Maria, Ellie felt like she had a better grasp on this shit, like she could control it more easily -- even when it was something else that triggered it... something unknown.  But then she'd gotten herself stuck in that fucking tunnel, and her brain had gone all wonky in there -- and now she had more triggers than ever before.  When that... whatever... had crawled over her skin earlier... -she didn't even know if there had been any rodents or bugs in that tunnel with her; it might have all just been in her mind.  But that was the thing: it didn't really matter.  The only thing that mattered was what her stupid fucked up brain wanted to think at the moment.  _Joel is right about one thing -- I need to concentrate on my breathing and make it go away faster -- you're safe, you're good -- and Joel's right here -- hey, listen up, stupid brain: -- just quit freaking the fuck out already!_

Joel sat there helplessly, just waiting.  He wrapped a comforter around her, though not too snugly.  He was just trying to keep her warm.  He knew the physical contact helped her... like a touchstone, or an anchor.  But it didn't feel like it was _enough_.  He wished he could do more.

Neither of them knew how much time had passed when it was over, but it probably felt longer than it really was.  Even when she'd stopped gasping for breath, Joel waited for her to show some sign that she was okay.  He knew it was done when she turned and climbed into his lap.  She put her arms around his neck, burying -- hiding -- her face, and Joel could tell she was still crying softly.  At least now he could squeeze her.  He pulled the comforter snug around her.  "Hey... why the tears, hmm?  You're okay, baby girl... that was a really bad one."

_STOP CRYING ALREADY_ , Ellie commanded herself.  _GOD!  How do you expect him to believe you're ready for--_ "I really want to do this still," she blurted out.  "Please?"

Joel sighed.  _She's so damn stubborn!_   "Ellie--"

"I'll do better this time, I swear!" She hated how whiny and pathetic she sounded, but she couldn't seem to help it. 

"It ain't about you... _doin' better_."

"Yes it is!  And I can, I know I can!" she insisted.

"You're gonna make yourself... magically not feel cold?"

"No, but I'm not cold right now -- as long as we're smushed together, it'll be fine!"

He started gently stroking her hair.  "We can't be... like that the whole time."  Well, they _could_ , he supposed, but he really didn't want to just lay there on top of her like a blanket.

"If I get cold, I can ignore it!" Ellie tried.  "Like going in the ocean -- other stuff takes over so you... kind of _forget_ , like..."

Joel sighed again.  "I don' want-- you should be comfortable.  Look, obviously it jus' wasn' meant to be tonight.  We can try it another time, maybe when it ain't so windy an' cold out."

"That could be ages from now!"  _Fuck, why don't we just wait 'til spring?_  ... ... _Oh my God... is he using this as an excuse because he just changed his mind?  FUCK, Ellie, why do you have to ruin everything?!_ But-- she needed to calm the fuck down.  Yelling at Joel wasn't going to solve anything.  _Keep breathing... it's okay if you don't have sex tonight, even after all the waiting... the anticipation... it's okay... at least you're together, bitch, can't you just be happy about that?  Think back to that first night in Jackson, when you were happy just to HAVE DINNER with him, like you would never want anything more than what you had because you had SO MUCH.  You still have it... AND more.  So much more..._

It was no use.  The fucking tears had a mind of their own, and they wanted to keep wetting her face (and Joel's neck), to keep embarrassing her -- and to make Joel think she was just a big baby after all.  But she wanted this _so badly._

Joel coaxed her head away from his neck so he could look her in the eye.  The flashlight was still hanging on his open shirt, shining toward the ground, so he couldn't see her that well, but he wasn't about to shine it harshly on her face now.  "Why is it so important to you that we do it out here tonight?"

Ellie thought that was an odd thing to ask her.  "Why?  Because -- cuz I  _love_  you -- I've been wanting to do this with you forever, and we were finally going to!  How could I _not_ be disappointed?" _...Duh?!_

"The beach thing wasn' 'til more recently though, right?  The trip?  Before that, you were fine with doin' it in the bed."

"Yeah, but that's not..." Ellie looked at him quizzically.  "Wait... what are you saying?"

"Uh... that you didn't think about the beach 'til--"

"But like... before, when you said it's not working... you just meant on the beach?"

"Yeah.  Nothin's goin' right."

A sliver of hope sparked in her heart.  "So you think we should wait to do it on the beach.  Not wait to do it... like at  _all_.  Right?"

"That's up to you.  Maybe you ain't in the mood, after... clearly, this ain't perfect."  Joel was a little worried that she'd set the bar a lot higher than she should have -- past the realm of reality and way up into the clouds.  And he knew those panic attacks took a lot out of her.  "I jus' want our first time -- _your_ first time to be... you know.  Magical an' shit."

_He said "OUR first time"_... sometimes Ellie forgot this was a first of sorts for Joel, too.  "So if we go back to the room, you'd still want to...?"

"Sure.  If _you_ still want to."

Ellie squealed in delight and kissed him.  "Oh thank God!  I thought you meant..."

Joel chuckled as he realized she'd misunderstood.  Wiped away a tear with his thumb.  "No wonder you were so upset!  Christ.  I'm so sorry, baby girl -- I should've been more clear.  If you don' mind givin' up the stars... an' the ocean..."

She laughed and hugged him again, joyfully this time.  "I soooooooooo don't care about all that!  The stars are just big balls of gas anyway."

_Ha!_  "Yes they are.  Not romantic _at all_."

Ellie smiled.  "I just want to be with you.  Fuck all that other stuff."  She was convinced that Joel was all the ~magic~ she needed anyway.

Joel was relieved to see her return to being happy again so quickly.  He could kick himself for doing that to her.  And he'd been rather nonchalant about the whole thing, which must've just made her feel worse.  _Doesn't she know..._ "Hey, I've been lookin' forward to this too, you know."

"Really?"  She believed him... _well, mostly?_... but she wanted to hear him try to convince her anyway.

"Of course.  Did you think I was jus' doin' it as a favor or somethin'?"

She giggled.  "Kinda, maybe... yeah."

"The things I do for you," he said with a mock sigh.  Although his tone was teasing, Joel did actually feel a little bad that she seemed genuinely surprised to find that he wanted to be with her that way.  "I know I don' say it as much as I should, but I do love you," he said soberly.

"I know that," she said.  He couldn't quite see it, but he could _hear_ the  _I-love-you_  smile that he so adored.  "You _do_ say it enough.  It's not that.  It's everything else.  The sex stuff.  I know it hasn't been easy for you to... be okay with it."

He kissed her sweetly.  If she had been a decade or so older, they probably would've made love within a week of the beginning of their romance.  Her age was the only thing that gave him pause; he certainly _wanted_ her bad enough.  "Thank you for bein' so patient with me."

Ellie didn't feel like she'd been all that patient.  What other choice did she have, really?  Leave him and go find someone else to sleep with?  Anyone who did that didn't _really_ love the other person.  But if Joel wanted to think she was patient, she wasn't going to argue.  "Okay, well, not to be impatient now, but can we go back to our room and try this again?  Like... now?  Before we freeze to death!"

Joel squeezed her.  "You cold again?"

She wasn't, really.  She just wanted to get things rolling.  "You're not under the blanket so _you're_ gonna freeze to death."

"It ain't nearly cold enough for that," said Joel, but there really wasn't any reason to linger out here, so he started to shift her off his lap and get up.

Ellie stood up with him.  "Thanks for finding this place, though.  Maybe we can try it in the daytime."  She turned his flashlight to the cave.  "We could hang a blanket over this open part -- like a door!"

"That wouldn't be too closed in for you?" Joel worried.

"Not in the daytime, I don't think?  Or we could just stay under the blanket so the spies don't see anything."

"So... we'd be doin' it on the beach, but hidin' so much that you can't see the ocean or nothin'?"

She giggled and stepped into her jeans as Joel held them for her.  "Yeah, I guess.  But we could still hear it... and smell the salty air..."

Joel much preferred the thought of doing it in a nice warm bed, where he wouldn't have to battle that goddamn pervasive sand.  The blankets were already covered in it.  It shouldn't have been much of a problem since they were dry, but Joel reckoned it was only a matter of time before Ellie would want to try out having sex in the ocean, or maybe after they'd just come out of it.  And he was still a sucker for those big green eyes.  _How could I say no?_

Ellie let go of the blanket to stick her arms and head through the sweatshirt/hoodie combo Joel was working over her head.  Once she'd wriggled her arms through the sleeves, she started buttoning up his shirt.  It wasn't nearly as sexy as _removing_ clothing, but dressing each other was... sweet.  She liked sweet.  "Joel..."

"Hmm?"

"I know I don't act like it, but I'm glad we waited.  It's more special this way.  Not just..." _Jumping into the backseat of a car to fuck, and before we even know each other?_   But she didn't want to betray Sophie's confidence... not that the woman had seemed embarrassed or ashamed or anything, but still.  It wasn't Ellie's place to tell the tale.  "I think we're doing it the right way."

Joel wrapped his arms around her again and smiled.  "I think so, too.  We didn' even wait all that long, you know..."

She thumped his chest.  "Yes we did!  We waited forever!  And you're not getting out of this, Joel -- you promised --"

Joel laughed.  "Didn' you jus' say you're glad we waited?"

"That doesn't mean I want to keep on waiting!  Fuck -- it's been over a year!"

"What?  No, it's only been--"

"Going by when we met."

"When we met... you wanted to stab me, as I recall," Joel said with amusement.

"Well, you were a jerk at first!"

"I hadn' even laid eyes on you yet, let alone--"

"Whatever!  You were a jerk," Ellie insisted.  "But that's where the clock started."

"I thought it started July 6th."

"Aww!  You remembered!"

"Of course I remember."  _She mentions it often enough..._

"But I wanted to fuck you before that."

"Uh, not the day we met, you didn't.  I know you didn't."  No innocent fourteen-year-old girl would entertain thoughts like that about a stranger old enough to be her father -- not right off the bat, at least.

Ellie couldn't disagree.  "Welllllll... okay, so... when did it start?  Like, for you.  When was the first time you looked at me and thought... _'Man, I really wanna tap that...'_ "

Joel laughed.  "I never thought that."  He was surprised Ellie even knew the term, but she _had_ watched a lot of movies since coming to Jackson -- and she'd already picked up plenty of things like that back in Boston, he had to admit.

Ellie had figured he'd laugh at that.  "You know what I mean.  When did you first... you know.  _Want_ me like that?  The truth!"

It wasn't the first time she'd asked him that.  Joel always skated around it by pretending it was the first time they'd kissed, which she knew wasn't true.  "I don' know... a while ago?  C'mon, let's do our feet..."

Ellie wasn't surprised that he chose that moment to let go of her and get back to business.  "Please, Joel?  You can tell me."  She sat next to him and started putting on her socks and shoes, happy they'd be heading back to their room shortly.

"I told you, there wasn't one particular time.  It snuck up on me... gradual-like."  There was a memory that stood out in Joel's mind which he considered to be the true answer to her question, but he was ashamed of it.  Ashamed that it had happened when Ellie was still his daughter and not the daughter/lover hybrid she'd become.  Maybe he should still be ashamed, today... but somehow, that hybrid distinction made a difference to his fucked-up brain.  And he'd made peace with the fact that this lovely young woman beside him was meant to be something other than a daughter to him.  "What about you?  You never told me when exactly -- an' I know it was before that... dinner date that I didn' realize was a date."  Not that anyone _dated_ anymore, per se...

"Yes I did!  Remember?  When we were playing on the bed and you almost kissed me but instead you started apologizing like crazy -- like you'd done something wrong!"  That was the memory Ellie had decided on, anyway.

"Oh... right..." Joel wasn't sure he believed her, but then, why would she lie?  _She_ had nothing to be ashamed of.  "When I thought I scared you..."

"...but I wasn't scared -- my heart was racing cuz I _wanted_ you to kiss me."  In truth, she could go back farther than that day... even before the groping accident-that-wasn't... but that first one seemed way too early, and she didn't want Joel to know how long ago it was.  She probably should have used the groping one, to ease Joel's misplaced guilt... _except if he thinks THAT started it all, he might feel guilty... like his touch put ideas in my head rather than me feeling stuff for him on my own first.  Ha!  Yep, I'm really good at coming up with reasons not to tell him the truth about that morning._

Joel remembered how badly he'd wanted to kiss her that day.  He smiled and pulled her close.  "I'll kiss you now..."  It was a giggly little kiss; Ellie seemed to be amused by the memory. 

"You were _so_ clueless back then," she said fondly.  "It took you forever to catch on, even though I was being obvious as fuck -- and you never did catch on, actually, cuz I had to fucking _tell_ you!"

Joel chuckled.  "Thank you for not givin' up on me."

"I knew I could make you love me," Ellie said with a grin.  Although she certainly hadn't with her behavior right after telling him... she wasn't proud of the way she'd acted then.  Usually when she pulled shit like that on people, they bolted -- and rightfully so.  _Not Joel... he really loves me..._

He kissed her nose.  "You didn' even have to try."  He certainly could've handled things better, after she told him.  He'd just been so... deer-in-the-headlights, at first... and then he'd convinced himself she needed space.  _The coward's way out._

"Kind of amazing we ended up here, isn't it?" Ellie mused.  "We've been through so much together."

"Mm.  It all worked out exactly the way it was supposed to."  Even _those two days_... he hadn't decided it was time for them to make love until that happened.  The fear of losing her becoming more than just an abstract thing niggling at the back of his brain, coupled with her un-Ellie-like behavior for a while afterwards... somehow it had given him the push he needed to feel like it would be good for them.  That loving her that way wouldn't hurt her.  Right or wrong, the reasons he had for waiting just didn't make sense to him anymore.  If it had never happened, he probably would've kept her waiting at least another few months, maybe longer.  Now, he had no second thoughts, no doubts.  _Just a guy who loves a girl..._ Although, if he had it to do over again, he never would've let that happen to her, and she could just keep on waiting.  _I'm sorry that's the price you had to pay to get your way, baby girl... I'll try to make it up to you..._ He gave her another quick kiss, then smirked at her.  "C'mon.  I'm tired of waitin' to have my way with you.  Let's get a move on!"


	46. The First Time - Part 2: "...more dearly than the spoken word can tell"

_Walk sexy-like_ , Ellie commanded herself as she emerged from the bathroom.  She hadn't even bothered switching on the flashlight since she would only be in there long enough to shed her clothes -- all but the little nightie.  She wanted to make a dramatic entrance!  It didn't occur to her to maybe yank a brush through her tangled hair real quick until she'd already announced to Joel that she was ready... _but windblown hair is supposed to be sexy, too, right?_ Their suite was only slightly warmer than outside, but with no wind, Ellie was sure Joel would warm her up in a hurry.

Joel waited for her on the bed.  He had ditched his clothes down to his boxers, because they wanted to at least re-undress each other a  _little_  bit.  The candle on the nightstand stayed lit, now that they were indoors, and they were only using the one.  He had gone to fetch a mug or something out of their unused kitchenette to serve as a candle holder, but Ellie had surprised him again by whipping out an actual candle holder (apparently, she'd felt she wouldn't have been able to smuggle it down to the beach undetected).  He watched Ellie inch awkwardly toward him, smiling shyly... looking more self-conscious and uncomfortable than when he'd first seen her naked, strangely enough... but also looking more beautiful than ever.  The sexy little black thing she was wearing was... well, sexy.  _Sexy as hell... even though it's a little loose on her... or maybe BECAUSE it's a little loose on her..._ it suited her.  It was more classy-looking than slutty, sort of like a satin one-piece bathing suit, covering all her private areas, with a flared little skirt/ruffle type thing skimming the tops of her thighs... except it had lace lining her cleavage in a long V, inviting him to a little game of peek-a-boo -- a game he couldn't win from this distance, because the fabric over her nipples wasn't see-through.

_She's so beautiful... stunning, even... sometimes I still can't believe she's mine._   And how adorable was it that she looked _nervous?_   He hoped his appreciative smile put her at ease.  "That's... you look really pretty.  Turn around an' let me see the whole thing."

Ellie wasn't sure how to do a 'sexy' turn.  She just twirled around quickly to give him a glimpse of the back, then hurried over to him on the bed, too self-conscious to put on any more of a show than that.  She was pleased with the way he was looking at her, though...

"You're gorgeous," Joel assured her as he pulled her into his lap, and his hands immediately started roving.  He would've dressed her in white, not black, but all the same, she looked amazing.  _She's still cold..._ "You didn' have to dress up special for me, but... it does look really good on you."

"Yeah?"

"Mmhmm."

She loved the feel of his hands through the fabric... the way they grazed her bare skin while exploring every inch of the thing.  _His hands are so nice and warm!_   "Does it make you wanna rip it off me?" she asked with a grin before giving him a kiss.

"It kinda does, yeah," he murmured against her lips.  "I wanna kiss..." Joel sprinkled little kisses down her neck, then on her shoulder, between just about every word.  "...every... single... freckle... on your..."

"Wait-- wait-- ow!"

Ellie went completely rigid, and Joel pulled back a little, surprised.  "What?  I ain't even _close_ to bein' inside you yet."

"I have to -- ohhh fuck a duck!" Ellie disentangled herself from him and started pacing the floor.  "Fucking foot cramp.  I guess it's cuz I didn't -- I forgot to -- aarrgghh!" she groaned.

He thought it was cute that she'd picked up _"fuck a duck"_ from Sophie.  He'd even heard her say _"cool beans"_ a time or two (although she'd kicked herself for it afterward).  Joel stretched out on his side, leaning on an elbow, and watched her do the caged animal thing, back and forth across the floor.  "Can I help?"

"No!  Remember, you just make it worse!"

He'd tried to massage her foot once when she'd gotten a cramp, but he'd _done it wrong_ and nearly gotten himself kicked.  Between the two of them, he got far more cramps, though they were usually in his leg -- and he knew the best cure was to just walk it off.  "You dehydrated?"

"No... I don't think so?  I was just supposed to... do something... and I forgot!" _That article said you should_... _what?  Flex your feet?  Is this why??_ But it made no sense:  of all the times she and Joel had messed around before, wouldn't it have happened already?  There was nothing _different_ about this time, so far.  _I shouldn't be in pain this early!_   She sighed.  "Sorry.  So annoying."

Joel continued to watch her, feeling useless.  "It's all right.  You couldn' help it.  What were you s'posed to do?"

She didn't answer right away.  Just kept pacing.  _Damn, she looks really amazing in that thing..._

"I should've... I dunno."  Ellie sighed theatrically.  Joel still didn't know she'd been looking for sex tips, and he'd said things to indicate that he wouldn't like her doing that, so it was best to just shut up about it.

After a couple minutes, when she was sure the sharp pain was unlikely to return if she gave it a rest, she ceased the pacing and flopped back down on the bed next to Joel, laying on her side, experimentally rolling her foot around with her hand.  _Seems okay now..._ "Sorry.  That was _so_ not sexy."

"Watchin' you walk around half naked was pretty sexy," Joel countered, leaning forward a little to kiss her forehead.

"But it wasn't _sexy_ walking!" she said, giggling a little.

"Sure it was."  He brushed his lips across hers, then gave her a long, searching look.  "You sure you're ready for this?"

"What do you mean?  Of course I'm sure!"  He looked skeptical, and fear started prickling her stomach.  "Do you think all this stuff is going wrong cuz I'm not ready?  I _am_ , Joel, I swear!  Aren't you?  We've been waiting forever!  We're supposed to be together, there's no reason--"

"All right, I hear you.  Jus' makin' sure."  He stroked her arm soothingly.  "If you weren't, it would be--"

"But I am!  I _AM!"_ She couldn't emphasize it enough!

Joel had never seen her look more earnest.  "Okay.  I was jus' gonna say, if you weren't, or if we keep goin' an' a little while from now, you feel like maybe you're not, remember we can always stop.  I won't be mad, an' I won't leave you, or..."

She smiled.  "I know you won't.  I think I  _really_ know that now... that you won't leave."

"Good."  He'd figured from the start that it would just take time for her to truly believe it.  Time, patience, and reassurance.  Maybe she'd still have her doubts, at times, but... he did sense a new confidence in her.  Less desperation.  There were still isolated incidents, but if he had to guess, he would say that he was the one who had more insecure moments about the romantic aspect of their relationship.  Not so much since they'd hit the coast... when she'd started acting more like herself.  And by then, he'd already decided they could tell Sophie about the true nature of their relationship -- which he probably wouldn't have done, if he hadn't felt the need on some level to make it 'more official,' somehow.  _Maybe that helped Ellie feel more confident about us, too?_   Especially after one particular conversation she and Sophie had had alone, regarding _those two days_.  He didn't know exactly what the woman had told her, but he suspected she'd exaggerated it into a fairy tale that made Ellie think he was some sort of God, rather than a bumbling fool who took way too long to find her -- and that he really, _really_ loved her.  That last part, of course, was the truth.  _Again, an outsider's endorsement is helpful..._ And, naturally, he hoped that making love to her would really seal the deal.  _I may not be doing it for all the right reasons... but if she's willing, I'm doing it anyway._   He kissed her cute little nose.  "So where were we..."

"Kissing my freckles."  She giggled a little.  "What if I want you to kiss parts of me that don't have freckles?"

"You didn' let me finish tellin' you:  I also wanna kiss all the places in between 'em."

"Oh!  That sounds awesome.  I approve of that.  Very much.  Why do you like my freckles, anyway?"

He kissed one on her cheek.  "What's not to like?  They're adorable as hell."

"Hell's not adorable."

She liked to remind him of that.  "Adorable as fuck, then," he amended.  Because _fuck_ could be whatever _hell_ could not, in Ellie-speak.

"Says you."  But she giggled a little, secretly pleased that Joel viewed them that way.  She was okay with being adorable, as long as she could still be sexy.

"I am the expert on what's adorable an' what ain't," he declared authoritatively.  He kissed the freckle next to the first one.  And then the one next to that one... actually, he was covering little clusters of freckles with each kiss, as there were so many in close proximity.  _Her skin is still so soft... and kinda salty, now that it's perpetually ocean-scented..._

_"You're_ adorable," Ellie told him.  Maybe not in the traditional way, but really, what could be more adorable than a bad-ass tough guy kissing a girl's freckles?

"No..." He rolled her gently onto her back and started kissing her neck.  "I'm in the 'ain't' category."

She kept giggling while his lips found more freckles to kiss, but the longer he performed this mission of his, the more utterly relaxed she became.  Even the places that threatened to be ticklish didn't make her tense up, as he pressed his lips more firmly to her skin if he sensed tickle potential; he could have some fun with the tickling another time.  Tonight, he didn't want the possibility to even enter her mind. 

_Just relaxxxxxx..._ The message seemed to come through loud and clear, even without the words.  She lay there, sprawled on her back, her beautiful young body stretched languidly before him.  She would look pretty in any light, but the candlelight basted her in a warm glow, camouflaging the cuts and bruises... and he loved the look on her face right now.  Eyes closed, with a sweet little smile... utterly content... and her absolute trust in him was somehow as intoxicating as her bare flesh.  He slowly kissed a path up the inside of her arm, back to her shoulder.

"I think you already kissed those," she whispered conspiratorially.

"Missed some," he explained, brushing his lips across her collarbone.

"Mmm... nice..." ...and somehow erotic, even though he was kissing all these 'innocent' places.  Ellie didn't even remember to feel shy when he nudged the strap off her shoulder (and the lacy fabric aside) to expose a breast.  He lingered over her nipple, making her quiver pleasantly, and she grinned at him.  "There's no freckles there, you know."

"Space between," he murmured, his lips dusting the creamy-white, freckle-less flesh surrounding her perfect pink nipple.  _God, she's--_ "You're so beautiful," he said aloud, realizing that he thought it so often yet rarely voiced it; he had no trouble telling her when she indirectly solicited it by advertising her insecurities -- like when she put herself down, even in jest -- but he knew she needed to hear it out of the blue as well.

Ellie fought the urge to blush and giggle and reply with her standard _"am not,"_ or some variation of _"so are you."_ "Um..." _Why is it hard to say thank you?  I've said it before... I think?_  She didn't fully believe she was beautiful, but she believed that _he_ believed it.  And that was what mattered.  _You make me FEEL beautiful, Joel..._

Joel liked that she didn't automatically contradict him or make a sarcastic remark; he'd expected another _"says you."_   "You don' gotta say anythin'... jus' know that... I'm thinkin' it.  An' I'm thinkin' it 'cause you are."

She knew she was blushing now, but at least he couldn't see it.  "It's the candlelight," she couldn't resist saying this time.  "It... lies, sort of."

Joel chuckled.  "It's you."  He shifted up to kiss her lips.  "An' someday, I swear you'll believe me."

"It's _you_.  Like... you make me feel prettier," she admitted with a shy smile.

"Good."  Joel wanted to tell her to never be with anyone who _didn't_... but he knew that wouldn't be welcome advice, and would probably even kill the mood.  He wasn't sure why that had even come to mind.  _She's mine... for as long as she'll have me, she's MINE -- and I think that's going to be a good long while._   He could practically _see_ the love beaming from her face, and he heard himself say, "Sometimes I still can't believe someone as amazing as you could ever want someone like me." ..... _Shit!  I only say sappy shit like that in my head..._ not that Ellie seemed to mind.

_Awwwww!_   Ellie's heart melted at such a sweet confession.  _Sweet, but WRONG!_  She didn't even know what to say that, really.  "Joel... what the fuck are you talking about?  It's totally the other way around!"

Joel smiled.  _She really believes that?!_   "I guess that's the way it's s'posed to feel.  To each of us."  He kissed her lips once more before continuing his freckle quest, planting kisses across her chest.

Ellie could argue her point, but now wasn't the time.  Generally, Joel seemed to like it when she was talkative, but tonight... _he can be right.  It's the ROMANTIC view, I guess..._ she slid her arms out of the straps so she was completely topless before he even reached her other breast, and she was pretty eager to shed the rest of the garment, too, but Joel stubbornly insisted on kissing his way over her whole body -- and he had another arm to kiss all the way up and down, another hand with five fingers full of freckles and spaces in need of kissing, before _finally_ tugging the fabric down as he kissed lower and lower on her belly.  He shifted around a little to slide the lingerie all the way off her body, depositing it on the corner of the bed, then picked up exactly where his lips had left off:  her hip.  He wasn't even skipping over her ugly scars... _and why does it seem like there's more and more of those every time he sees me naked?_ She was enjoying herself too much to actually give a fuck, at least.

What he did skip over was her nether regions, going so far as to kiss her inner thigh... high enough to brush her pubic hair... Joel took notice of her legs gradually spreading wider, inviting him to kiss the places he'd neglected.  _Not yet, baby girl,_ he thought with mild amusement.  To her credit, though, she wasn't getting all squirmy and... impatient-like.

Ellie knew that the longer he covered her body with kisses, the longer the night would last -- so she had infinite patience.  Now that it was _TONIGHT_ , time could stand still... she was completely naked now, but Joel wasn't.  _Fuck, I almost forgot!_  She didn't have the luxury of going this slow!  "Joel, um..."

"...hmmm?"  He was down by her feet.

"Don't you think... maybe you'd better... you know."

But he _didn't_ know.  "I'd better what?" he asked distractedly.  He kissed the tip of her big toe, noting that although the 'freckle dust' didn't extend down to her toes, she had a few larger freckles sprinkled over them... between them.  He didn't want to risk giving her another foot cramp by messing with her toes too much, though.

"Um... put it in, before it gets all hard and everything?"

That gem did... _penetrate_ Joel's freckle-worship mindset.  He kept the humor out of his voice to answer her completely soberly.  "Oh shit -- I forgot.  Well, don' worry, it ain't that hard yet."

_"Don't worry?!"  Yeah, right!_  "What do you mean _that_ hard?" she asked nervously.  She craned her neck, trying to check out the evidence for herself, but she couldn't see.

"Still soft," he assured her.  He wasn't going to let that happen this early -- if he could help it (he was so damn attracted to her, he wasn't sure how long he could hold off).  _Soft, slow, sensual kisses... nothing overtly sexual yet..._ if he could conveniently forget that he'd already framed her nipples with his lips...

He had her all relaxed again by the time he rolled her onto her stomach, taking the opportunity to fix their alignment on the bed by placing her head on the pillow -- and he also took a moment to finally ditch his boxers, hoping that Ellie wouldn't mind him doing the honors himself.  If she noticed, she didn't say anything.  She seemed pretty blissed-out; Joel wondered if she might actually be falling asleep.  _Would she be pissed if I didn't wake her up to have sex?_ he wondered.  Soothing her to sleep was one of his favorite pastimes, so he wouldn't even feel disappointed himself.  _...well, maybe a little... but we have SO many nights ahead of us..._ He smoothed her hair aside and lightly massaged her shoulders as he kissed her neck, then started down her back... and he didn't skip over anything on this side.  He kissed her on her sweet little ass; if she _had_ been falling asleep, that seemed to wake her up a little.  "Did you even know you have a big freckle right here?"  He kissed a spot low on her right buttcheek.

"...I dunno..." Ellie's brain was mush by now.  When he kissed a little lower, she instinctively spread her legs again and lifted her butt a little to give him easy access to... _well, wherever, down there... it's all good..._ He traveled farther down, though... only to her knees... before working his way back up.  She could hear and feel him shifting around a bit, but even if she opened her eyes, she wouldn't be able to see anything from this position.  Then he was kissing her buttcrack... and a little lower... and before she even realized what he was doing, he'd lifted her leg up and inserted his head between her crotch and the bed.  "Oh _fuck_... Joel... what are you..."

He couldn't see anything, but he didn't need to.  He tried to deliver the same little butterfly kisses he'd been peppering the rest of her body with, but he wasn't even sure she could feel them much, through the hair... _that ain't gonna work so good here..._ his nose was somewhere in the vicinity of her clit... he opened his mouth wider, probing her lower lips with his tongue.

Ellie moaned, embarrassingly loudly.  "Jesus, Joel!"  It came out like a protest, but... _well, it kind of is?  I can't let him-- omigod--_ she lifted herself in a half-assed attempt to roll away from him, but his hands were like... kneading her buttcheeks... and, worse than that, he seemed to be pressing her down into his face.  _Is he TRYING to smother himself with my pussy?!  I should stop him... I really should... in a minute, maybe..._

Joel loved the way her body undulated with pleasure.  She'd positioned herself squarely over his mouth, and had fallen into a nice back-and-forth rhythm, her movements punctuated with her sexy-as-fuck moans and whimpers... _sorry, baby girl, but I AM hard now..._

"Joel... Jesus fucking Christ... I can't... I can't... ahhhnnnhhh... no!  Stop!" She finally summoned enough will power to roll off of him.  "Don't make me come yet!"

"But--"

"I don't wanna come 'til you're inside me!"

He smirked up at her.  "That's the thing, see.  You can jus'... have another one.  Remember--"

"Yeah yeah yeah, but that doesn't _always_ happen, right?... and your face is gonna get all slimy if you--"

"Let _me_ worry about my face."  She didn't protest when he scooted over and re-positioned himself between her thighs, this time with her on her back.  He administered a few tentative licks...

_Fuck that magical tongue of his!_   When Ellie had imagined this, she and Joel had always come together.  She'd had to amend that fantasy when she remembered that they _can't_ , because he needed to pull out before he came... still, she wanted to come on his dick, not his fingers or his face.  Obviously, tonight wasn't really going quite the way she'd imagined, but this part seemed to still be within her grasp.  "Please?  I wanna make sure."  She took hold of his shoulders and tried to tug him upward.

He obliged and started inching up her belly, dropping little kisses along the way.  "If... it's really... that important... to you..."

"It is... mmm..."  What he'd been doing all along -- planting soft, slow kisses everywhere -- felt nice.  Not orgasm-nice, but nice.  She _liked_ nice.  She didn't want to come the second he got inside her, either.  That might make him not want to continue, if he didn't think she was into it afterward.  Faking orgasms had struck her as a silly thing to do, before... and of course, Sophie had told her not to fake it, at least not tonight -- and then she wouldn't explain when it _was_ okay to fake it -- but what about the reverse scenario?  _Maybe I can fake NOT having one?  ...and then fake it the normal way if a second one doesn't come?!_   She certainly didn't want Joel to feel bad if he came and she didn't -- or if he _thought_ she didn't, due to her concealing the first one from him.  If she could even get away with that... _maybe if we're kissing... -no, because I still moan and stuff -- if my mouth is closed, I can just sort of swallow it easier... right?  Fuck, I don't know... I can't even think straight..._

Joel stopped kissing her chest.  "What's wrong?"

_...did he just ask... no, that doesn't make sense..._ _why would anything be wrong..._ "...huh?"  _Brain... mush!_ She just noticed that at some point, Joel must have pulled the covers over them.  Even though he felt warm as ever, to her.  _That doesn’t make sense, either…_

"You seem..." _...out of it?_   He moved up to get a better look at her face.  There was something... different from before.  Like maybe she was going to another place in her head -- and that wasn't a good thing.

She detected a note of concern in his voice, and it somehow un-mushed her brain a bit.  She looked him in the eye. _Why is he worried?_   "No, I'm good!  Just... feeling good.  Why, did I do something weird?"

"No," he assured her.  He had to get her over this 'weird' thing, sooner or later.  But he felt certain that would fade away as her confidence grew with experience.  When she stopped worrying so much about 'fucking things up.'  "Jus' wanna make sure you're all right."

"Yes!  Of course I am!"  She pulled his face to hers and kissed him sweetly.  He broke the kiss and looked at her... kind of funny, she thought.  "What?  What is it?"

"Nothin'... I forgot you ain't that squeamish about tastin' yourself on me."  Joel thought she handled that better than he would, if the situation were reversed.  ...not that he could even imagine that very well, with her... he wasn't sure what it would take for him to be okay with Ellie going down on him.  He couldn't even remember the last time he'd let _anyone_ do that.

She smiled.  "Fuck, I'd have to be pretty rude not to... I mean, if you're willing to do _that_..."

He smiled back.  "Well, you can't help it if... I don' know... it grosses you out some.  The taste."

"Which _you_ say is sweet, but... it's not."  She giggled.  "It's okay, though.  I don't mind."

"You _don't mind_.  That ain't..." _...ideal?  Acceptable?_

"I'd rather kiss you than not.  How's that?" she said with a grin.  She kissed him again, and truly, after a minute or so, she didn't even notice the taste.  It was like... kissing him after he'd just eaten something: she could notice a certain taste at first, but if she just let herself get lost in the moment, it faded away.  Or maybe it was because he'd kissed her skin in between, or he hadn't been at it that long so he hadn't sucked up the goopiest of her 'juices'... _ewwwwwww_...

She could feel him pressed against her, rubbing her not unlike his fingers would as she coiled her legs around him.  It felt pretty fucking good, actually... but what felt even better was the fact that he wasn't freaking out about their sex-bits touching.  Usually he'd have shifted off to the side long before now.  She gasped suddenly.  "Joel!"

He knew she could be dramatic, but he wasn't entirely unconcerned when she seemed suddenly disturbed about something.  "What is it?" He tried to kiss the thought away, whatever it was, but she wasn't having it.

"You're already hard," she whined.  "I can tell!"

"Oops," he said with a grin.

"You don't even care!" she accused him.  "Can you make it go down and then -- no more putting it off -- er... yeah, don't put it off, put it _in!"_

He trailed his fingers down to her groin and kept trying to kiss her.  "Yeah... sure..."

She giggled in spite of herself, turning away from him playfully.  "You're not exactly... doing stuff to make it go down..."  She knew he had some control over that because he used to do it on their 'nature breaks.'

He settled for kissing and nipping at her neck instead.  "Sure I am.  I'm thinkin' about football right now."  That had worked a lot better back when he could actually conjure up a vivid image from a recent game...

"Football?  Seriously?"  She gave him a look, although he didn't see it.

"To get rid of it.  It ain't workin', though... you're too damn sexy..." _...and since we ain't hiding anymore, I can give her a hickey now..._ should a vampire ever feel inclined to vie for her affections, Joel was convinced he would have some serious competition here. _I'd have to up my game..._

Ellie shivered -- actually, it was more like... borderline shuddering?! -- when he sucked on her neck for much longer than his usual little lovey nips.  "Oh man... fuck!  that's nice... _so_ nice... okay, so... you think you can... just... like..." She let that thought wander off, now distracted by the fingers dancing around her crotch.

"Hmm?"

"Is it too late to... try it my way?"

"Yep.  Think so."

She bit her lip.  "Sooo... are you gonna..."

He pulled up to look at her, stroking her cheek with his thumb.  "Am I gonna what?"

"You know.  Stick it in?" she asked, trying to stifle another unsexy girlish giggle.

Joel noticed, and wondered why sometimes she let the giggles escape while other times, she held back.  "You can laugh.  I love your laugh."

_It's not sexy!_  Even though she knew Joel didn't care about that, _she_ did.  Sometimes.  "Well... are you?"

_Aww... she's practically wide-eyed with fear._   He kissed her nose again.  "You think I'm gonna jus'... sneak it in there?"

"Is that how you're supposed to do it?" she asked him, serious as a heart attack.

This time it was Joel stifling a laugh; he didn't want her to think he was making fun of her, or that she was being stupid.  Neither was the case.  _Maybe I'll do it that way in the future, if you're into it..._ "You're cute."

"Well, I don't know!  I remember when I was little, I was in this clinic or something, and I knew they were gonna stab me in the arm with a needle, I forget what it was for... and I was trying to be brave and like... get ready for it... and then all of a sudden, bam!  It stuck me and I didn't even know it was coming.  And I think it _was_ better to do it that way than to like... make me anticipate it and try to prepare for it when there really wasn't anything I could do except get more and more nervous."

Joel had to smile at the comparison.  "I jus' wanna make sure you're ready."

"I am!  I've been ready for ages.  You can go ahead."

_"Go ahead"..._ that sounded rather clinical to Joel, too, like he was performing some kind of procedure.  "I mean physically ready.  You wouldn' let me make you come, so..." He toyed with her pubic hair, inching his hand lower...

"Mmm... What, you think I'm not... goopy enough?" she asked, giggling just a little.

He wished she had let him do that... _she was so completely relaxed, before_... he stroked her with his finger alongside his dick.  He tried to imagine what it must feel like to know something's about to stab you in such a tender place... and you have to just _let_ it.  _How can that feel good?_   But apparently, it did to a lot of women, and Ellie did respond well to his fingers... _they ain't as big around, though... maybe I should've done three or four at a time to sort of get her used to it first... should I do that now?  Or like she said, with the shot -- just do it and get it over with..._

"...Joel?"  He'd gone still, and she wasn't sure what to make of the look on his face.  "Go ahead.  Really.  I'm ready!"

Joel chuckled.  "I ain't gonna just... I don' wanna hurt you."

"You won't!"  He gave her a Look, and she added, "Much.  If it hurts a teensy bit, so what?"  She tried to put herself in his shoes; if she knew what she was about to do was going to hurt _him_ , she would have a hard time proceeding with that.  And it had to be worse for Joel with his sexism (or _chivalry_ , as he liked to call it), thinking that only infected humans or humans with dicks are acceptable as targets for inflicting pain.  _Poor Joel!_

Joel liked that she wasn't letting her fear dominate.  She was determined that now was the time, and maybe he could make it less awful than she expected.  It had to be a little less... cerebral, though.  Not exactly just _sneaking it in_ , but not exactly... _making a big deal of the actual moment?  But it IS a big deal.._. all this over-thinking on his part wasn't helping to get out of cerebral mode, either.  He still wanted to talk her through it, but... well, he just had to find a happy middle ground.  His fingers began to play with her again.  _Hmm... maybe she IS ready..._ "It's been a while since I've done this," he admitted.

Ellie could tell Joel was having some kind of internal struggle, even before he made that little announcement.  _I think he's more nervous than I am!_  She tried to reassure him with a smile... a look... a kiss.  She kissed _his_ nose for a change.  "Look at it this way.  I won't even know if you do it wrong."

He'd meant it more like it had been a while since he'd taken someone's virginity -- Sarah's mother, way back when he was a virgin himself and they were both just bumbling kids who knew nothing -- kids who at least had loads and loads of lube at their disposal.  But it had also been a while since he'd had sex at all -- a _hell_ of a long time since it had been anything much more than fucking -- and Ellie sure did seem to like the thought of him... having performance anxiety or something.  He buried his face in her hair and let his body go a little slack... he felt her little arms hugging him close, one rubbing his back and the other stroking his hair...

"Joel... are you okay?"  _Please be okay... I love you I love you I love you--_

"I'm good.  Sorry."  He kissed her cheek in several places.  "Didn' mean to scare you."

"Pfff.  Please.  _Scare_ me?"

"Makin' you think... I don' want this or somethin'.  Like I'm backin' out."

"I didn't think that."  _At least, I hoped that wasn't why you were being weird..._ "Take all the time you need."

"We don' have to do this, you know.  If you're havin' second thoughts."  He caressed her cheek again.  Looked in her eyes and tried to get a sense of what she was feeling... if she was having doubts...

"I'm not," she said patiently.  _How many times is he going to say that?!  HE is the one who seems to be having second thoughts... and I'm probably supposed to tell HIM it's okay if he is... ugh!  NO-- I just have to let him know it's okay.  Because I'M okay.  MORE than okay!_ She brought both hands around to his face and stroked his beard the way that he liked.  "I love you."

He smiled and gave her a little kiss.  "Love you, too."  _God, do I love you... more than you'll ever know._ The way she was looking at him right now... with such absolute trust... _I don't deserve you.  God knows I don't.  Why I should get to be with this beautiful girl-- young woman -- I'll never know_.

Ellie wasn't sure what to make of his hesitation.  _Why is he so reluctant now?_  "It's okay... I'm ready.  I want to feel you... inside me--" -- and she _almost_ managed to say that without giggling like a stupid little girl.  "Fuck... pretend I said that all sexy-like."

_Sexy enough_... _though still cute as hell._   His dick, which had kind of been on pause, stirred again.  _Enough talking..._ "I want to _be_ inside you," he whispered before kissing her.

Their kisses were heating up again as their bodies pressed together, and it felt so nice that Joel probably could have just kept that up, and eventually come on top of her.  He had to be careful if he wanted to last a little damn longer than five seconds by the time he got inside her.

"Let's do it," Ellie encouraged him breathlessly.  "Just... tell me... what you want me to do...?"

"You're doin' it," he replied with a fond smile.  "All right... I'll jus'... try an' ease in real slow-like... try to relax..."

_Relax.  Right!_   Ellie wasn't sure what his hand was doing down there... _like that nurse preparing my arm for the needle?_  -but he effectively distracted her with a passionate kiss, and his hand did feel nice -- _too_ nice, because she wanted to grind against him, which she figured was the wrong thing to do when he pressed her down firmly into the bed.  _Oh -- duh!  It must be like trying to hit a moving target!_   "Sorry--" --but he seemed to find his way in okay in spite of her.

She gasped a little when he entered her, and Joel froze.  "Are you all right?"

"Uh-huh... are you, um..."  _Nope, it's not a bunch of fingers cuz I can see those... I thought it would hurt like a mother, but it doesn't!  At least not yet?_

"You wanna stop?"  _Oh God, it hurts and she's--_

"No!  Joel, it doesn't even hurt.  You're... _in_ there, right?"

He chuckled.  "I'll try not to take that as an insult.  Yes, but only a lil' bit..." He pushed slowly.  _Very_ slowly.  Which was quite the exercise in restraint, because it felt _so damn GOOD_... "Still okay?"

She nodded.  Smiled.  "Seriously.  It doesn't hurt.  My foot cramp hurt way worse."

_I should hope so.  Those fuckers are the worst!_   "Really?  No pain?"

"Not really..." Ellie didn't know what to classify it as, but it wasn't acute pain.  More like... _maybe_ a subtle soreness?

He eased in, painfully ( _or... painLESSly?_ ) slowly.  "Even now?" He froze again.

"Yeah... are you... is that all the way?"

"Balls deep, as they say," he said, eliciting the little giggle he'd been hoping to hear.

"We're having sex!" she said happily.

"We're havin' sex," he agreed.  "Now, if I move a little... does that hurt?"

"No!  No, I'm good!  I swear.  Tell me what to do."

It was such a relief to him that she wasn't in pain; he'd expected wincing, at least... and he'd expected her to put on a brave show, regardless, but if that was what she was doing now, she was one hell of an actress.  "You're really okay?"

She smiled and nodded.  "I'm... _more_ than okay.  What about you?"

"Mmm," he said in response, kissing her a little as he experimented with slow half-thrusts.  "I'm good.  You feel so..."

 "...amazing?" she supplied.  "Awesome?  Fan-fucking-tastic?"

"Yes, all of that," he breathed.  He'd always known it would feel incredible to be inside of her, but even so, he'd underestimated it.  _It's like she's hugging me from the inside out..._

"What should I do?" she asked again.  "Seriously, Joel... tell me _some_ thing..."

"Just hug me."

She was so happy that he actually told her something she could do -- and something she already knew how to do! -- that she almost laughed with giddiness.  "That's it?"

"An' kiss me."

She pulled him as close to her as she could, and tried to kiss him, but--

"You sure you're okay?" he asked again.

"Yes!"

He was still moving slowly, but with a bigger back-and-forth motion now.  "Does it feel good, or... it jus' don' hurt?"

"It feels good," she assured him.  It didn't feel like when he got her all worked up and then slid his fingers inside and made her come pretty quickly... no, it wasn't like that, but it felt... like... "I don't know how to describe it.  You're making my legs all tingly."

That sounded encouraging.  "I'll try not to come all the way out, in case it's... maybe I'll try an' go a little faster... unhh..."

The little _unhh_ made Ellie smile; it was like a major victory to hear Joel make any noises of pleasure.  "You're doing all the work -- how does it feel for _you_?"

He laughed a little.  "It ain't hard work, trust me."  He kissed her deeply, holding her tight as he fell into a steady, albeit slow, rhythm.  He resisted the urge to keep asking her if she was okay, but he did break the kisses every so often to look into those beautiful eyes... and sort of ask her silently.  One time when he did that, he was surprised to find that they looked shiny.  "You all right?" he had to ask her then.

She nodded.  Ellie hadn't thought she would cry, but she couldn't seem to help it when she saw tears in Joel's eyes. _Joel never cries!_   Near-death experiences aside, at least -- and she hadn't even been conscious to witness that.

Joel didn't even realize he had tears in his own eyes until one slipped out -- and landed on Ellie's face.  "Oh shit..."  _...the fuck?_   He didn't want to be crying right now.  _Not that Ellie seems to mind..._ He might have turned away, but Ellie held his face in her hands, her thumbs at the ready to catch any more escapees.

"I love you so much, Joel," she managed to say without choking on her own tears.  "I'm so -- _you_ make me so happy... thank you..."

He just kissed her in response.  Kissed her long and hard.  He started thrusting a little harder, too.  For the next little while, neither of them said a word as they enjoyed each other, overcome by the emotional sensations that accompanied the physical.

Ellie had thought she couldn't possibly feel any closer to Joel than she already did, but this... this was _way_ better than those times he squeezed her so hard she couldn't breathe.  He was still squeezing her hard, kind of... he was laying on top of her, kissing her dizzy, holding her against him with one arm while his other hand alternated between hugging her and caressing her hair, her face, her arm... whatever parts of her body it could reach.  But the most amazing thing was that he was _inside_ of her... like he was literally filling her up with his love, pumping it into her and making it a real thing she could tangibly _feel_.  Like they were truly _one person_ now, their flesh melded together in a new way.  It was amazing she could even think at all, given how incredible it all was... how _good_ she felt... it wasn't like she'd never felt insanely close to Joel before, just... _it's somehow intensified, this way?_   She couldn't imagine doing this with someone she barely knew.  _How do people do that?!  We're more than TOGETHER, we're... like... fuck, I don't even know..._

She realized now that she'd never understood the term 'making love' in its entirety before.  She could see why Joel never wanted to call it 'fucking.' Every kiss, every touch --  _He LOVES me.  And he's so... absolutely BEAUTIFUL... he would hate it if he knew I was thinking that!  But he IS..._ Actually, Ellie thought maybe he _wouldn't_ hate it -- that he would understand what she meant -- _it's the love that makes him beautiful, mine for him and his for me..._ _and I'm sooo unbelievably, amazingly lucky that he decided to share his beauty with me.  I'm going to show him every day that he hasn't made a mistake in trusting me with his heart._

She smiled at him when he came up for air, and he returned the smile.  He didn't need to ask her if she was all right now.  Didn't need to say a word; their bodies were doing all the talking now.

Joel couldn't quite forget that Ellie was a virgin, that he needed to be gentle with her... but he _did_ quite forget that she was only fifteen, and that what he was doing to her was 'wrong.'  Because it didn't feel like he was doing something _to_ her -- they were in this together.  He'd never felt more sure of their love than he did right now.  _Just like I expected... yet somehow even BETTER--_ The way she clung to him, kissed him, met his thrusts eagerly... she _wanted_ him.  He already knew that on some level, of course; he'd felt it from her since the beginning.  Unlike himself, she had always been more than willing to let him in... into her heart, into her body.  She never gave up on him -- even when he broke that heart she'd so generously offered him.  He wanted to hold her in his keep forever, right where she was, and do everything in his power to repay her for all the things she'd given him.  _I might not ever be worthy of her love, but worthy or not, I have it, and I will protect it and cherish it like the treasure that it is_.

He also couldn't forget that he didn't have the luxury of coming inside her.  He had gradually picked up the pace, without even consciously thinking about it, and hadn't even asked her if she was cool with it.  _She certainly seems to be... the little moans, hungry kisses, the ass-grabbing..._ He hadn't needed to ask her if she was okay for a good long while, actually, because it was so clear that she was _right there_ with him, caught up in the pleasure generated by their joined bodies.  It was his responsibility to not get _too_ caught up; when he felt himself getting close, he whispered to her that he needed to pull out, like they'd talked about...

...and then it occurred to him that if she'd had an orgasm, he'd somehow missed it.  "Ellie, did you... you didn't..."  _Shit, maybe I can last a little longer if we slow down..._

"I did!"

"You... when?"

"Before -- I did!  I did, I swear."

She seemed to know what he was asking about, and she certainly sounded sincere; maybe he truly was that oblivious?!  "All right then... hang on..."

Ellie didn't want to let him go... but she didn't want to ruin tonight by having him get mad at her, and even if she was maybe sort of willing to gamble here (weren't the odds strongly in their favor?!  Maria and Tommy had sex many _many_ times for like _years_ before it happened), she knew she didn't really want to get pregnant.  It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but... _he'd be really pissed!... and I CAN'T be a mom..._ Joel mumbled something about not wanting to... pound her too hard?  _Is that what he said?_   "No, it's okay -- it's good!" she urged him.  She _liked_ the hard thrusts... maybe it was an illusion, but it felt like the harder he pushed, the deeper he went inside her -- and the deeper inside her he was, the more... _one_ they were.

She didn't fight it when he pulled out... and quickly jerked off on her belly.

Joel knew Ellie was used to getting squirted on by now (if not from this angle), but he always felt a little bad about it.  Like 'spilling his seed' on her was degrading or disgusting, and _not_ something he wanted to subject his baby girl to.  She usually giggled, or teased him about making a mess -- or both -- but tonight, she all but ignored it as she sat up enough to tug on his arms.

"Come here," she pleaded, "you're too far away!"

He chuckled and flopped down -- next to her, not on top of her.  He didn't want to spread the puddle, and he didn't let the covers fall onto it, either.  He tried to grab the towel from beneath her, but apparently he still wasn't close enough, because she used her arms and one leg to try to pull him back on top of her, and he just had to give in and let her.  "Well, if you don' mind the mess..."

"I don't care!"  She hugged him, and started planting kisses all over his face.  "I love youuuuuuuu!"

"Damn... I guess you do," he said, smiling.  "So.  Tell me.  Was it everythin' you hoped for?"

" _Fuck_ yes!"  She was glad he didn't seem bothered by the pool of jizz she'd pulled him into.  _That would be awesome if it like, dried and glued us together forever..._

"Even though you didn't..."

"I did!"  Ellie insisted.  "Why don't you believe me?"

"All right, I believe you."  He lay on top of her like a blanket now, since that was what she seemed to want, and nuzzled her neck contentedly.

Ellie wasn't lying... exactly.  She had felt indescribably happy throughout the whole thing, and she did feel like she was on the brink, several times... had felt the tendrils of pleasure spread through her body... those _had_ to be like mini-orgasms.  They were powerful enough -- more than just feeling little tingles like she did sometimes when he kissed her.  They just weren't the... explosive kind?  And Joel had done everything _right_ \-- she'd been all turned on and everything... what else could he have done?! -- it just didn't make _sense_ for her not to have one.

But... usually, right after having an orgasm, she wasn't questioning whether or not she'd had one, nor was she immediately wanting to have another one.  _Well... that was fucking awesome, so why shouldn't we do it again later anyway?_

"Can I go take a leak now, or is it too soon to move?" Joel asked her neck.

For some reason, he always wanted to do that right after he came.  "I guess," she said with a mock sigh of exasperation, reluctantly letting him out of her embrace.  _This doesn't make sense either... we're NOT actually one person, and not actually glued together or something..._ but it felt _wrong_ for him to be so far away from her now, even for just a minute.  _I'm going to have to figure out how to get used to that!_   Knowing that he'd be back in just a minute made her feel stupidly giddy, too.  _You're so silly, Ellie!_  While he was away, she figured she might as well make use of the towel she was laying on... or sort of laying on... it had shifted around a bit.  She mopped up the 'Joel juice' on her stomach (and now her side).

She was sitting in the middle of the bed, frowning at the towel, when Joel returned.  He hadn't expected to see anything but smiles from her the rest of the night, so her expression worried him a little.  "What's wrong, baby girl?" he asked as he climbed into bed. 

"Nothing."

_Like hell._   He just hoped it wasn't serious.  "C'mon, lay down with me.  Or you wanna put your... lingerie thing back on first?"

Ellie did like the idea of sleeping in that pretty, silky-soft garment, but she could do that another night.  She noticed that Joel hadn't bothered to put his boxers on -- and he _never_ slept naked.  _Maybe he will from now on?_ she wondered happily.  "Nope, I'm good," she declared as she clambered up next to him, chucking the towel to the floor.  "Oh -- want me to put out the candle?"

"Mm... not yet.  Ain't done lookin' at your pretty face."

"Whatever," she mumbled.  _We just had sex, but he can still make me blush with just THAT?_

Joel figured Ellie would want to talk after the Big Event.  He wasn't even sleepy yet himself... and he did want to make sure she wasn't having any regrets.  It was obvious something had happened in the minute or so he'd been in the bathroom.  "What were you thinkin' about when I came back jus' now, hmm?"

Ellie settled herself next to him and helped him pull the sheet and blanket up over both of them.  "I told you -- nothing."

"Don't you feel like you can tell--"

"You can't just leave it alone, can you."  It was a statement, not a question, and she said it with more fondness than irritation.  She kissed his cheek.  "Just forget it," she whispered.  _It doesn't matter!_ she told herself. _All that matters is we're JOINED AGAIN_.  She tried to lay her head down on his chest, but he tilted her chin up so he could look her in the eye.

"Hey.  Tonight was a big deal.  For me, yes, but especially for you."

She smiled.  "It's not about that."  _At least, not the way you think it is..._

"You sure?"

"Uh-huh."  _Maybe I can just get up early and wash the towel before he notices..._

Maybe he should just drop it, but if there was anything he could do to resolve even the slightest niggling worry in the back of her mind, he wanted to do it -- to make the rest of the night as perfect for her as he could.  "Ellie.  I can tell it's botherin' you, whatever it is.  You know you'll feel better if you talk to me."

He smoothed her hair, and just... generally petted her in the loving way he always did.  He was right -- she _did_ always feel better after talking to him.  And weren't they closer now than ever before?  _Besides... it's better if I tell him than if he WONDERS about it later, right?_   "Okay.  Um..."  She wanted to lay her head down, but she knew she had to look at him when she told him this.  Because she had to make sure he _believed_ her.  "Joel, I swear -- I swear on my _life_ \-- on _your_ life, and you know that I wouldn't swear _that_ unless..." _Just tell him!_   "I swear I've never done this before.  Before tonight."

"I know that."  She was looking at him so earnestly... like maybe he _didn't_ know that?  He waited for her to explain.  When she stayed quiet, he ventured a guess as to what this was about.  "You did great.  If I didn' know any better, I would've thought maybe you _had_ done it before."

"No!  I haven't!  I've never been with anyone but you!" she cried.

Joel just looked at her, puzzled.  "I know," he repeated.  "Ellie, what _is_ it?  What's wrong?"

"I just... want to make sure you know."  An idea suddenly occurred to her -- _yes!  Why didn't I think of it before?_   "Joel -- did you like... wash up a little?  In the bathroom?"  He _had_ turned the flashlight on in there...

"...not really?  Well, that one spot, yes."

"And your dick.  Right?"

"Uh... no?"

"But you wiped it off cuz you peed, at least."

"Uh... no," he repeated, still puzzled at where she was going with this.

"You didn't?  But we have toilet paper here."

"I was jus' peein'."

"So you don't... really?  I thought that was just like... outside, that you didn't bother."  _I lived in a house with him for several months and I didn't know that?_

Joel wondered if she was trying to distract him from finding out what was bugging her.  "What does this have to do with--"

"I was just wondering if..." She yanked the covers back so she could examine him.  The candle light wasn't bright, but she would still be able to see... _maybe?..._

"What?"  Joel had to chuckle.  "What are you--"

"You didn't see any blood?  Maybe it somehow got on the sheet, then... or the blanket..." She’d already checked those, but she began yanking their covers this way and that to check again.

"Nope.  Maybe there's some on the towel..."

"There's not."  She was sure of that, because it was the cleanest, whitest, most stain-free towel she'd ever seen in her life; a blemish as obvious as blood would certainly scream at her.  Ellie sighed and draped herself over him, this time finally laying her head down on his chest.  "There isn't any blood on it, or _any_ where, and there should be," she mumbled, half-hoping he hadn't heard her.

_THAT'S why she wants to make sure I know--_ Joel felt relieved.  _I got this!_  "Not necessarily, baby girl.  You said it didn' really hurt..." He tucked the covers around them again.

"It did a little.  Sort of.  But no, not really.  Not like I thought it would.  You _have_ to believe me--"

"I do.  The blood... it ain't a given."

That didn't make sense to Ellie.  "Did you like... _feel_ something in there?  Like something tearing?" she asked hopefully.

"No... I don' think I would've felt that, though?  What with all the... it's just a _little_ thing..."

"But I'm a virgin.  _Was_ a virgin, 'til now."  In spite of everything, Ellie felt a sense of... wonder, for a moment.  _I'm not a virgin anymore..._

"I think... it can happen from riding horses."  Joel thought he'd learned that somewhere.

"What?  That makes no sense," Ellie scoffed.  Riding a horse and getting poked up there were two totally different things.

"Seriously.  Somethin' about the jostlin' motion, I guess?  Or... maybe it was 'cause I... my fingers might've done it.  Before."

"...your fingers?  They can do that?"

"Sure.  Why not?"

"But... I don't remember there being blood, ever?"

"Me neither," he admitted, even though he was tempted to fib there just to put her mind at ease.  "Maybe it... got mixed in with the other stuff?  I don' think if there's blood that it's-- well, it ain't like it just... gushes out?"

Ellie thought about the first time he'd used a finger.  It _had_ hurt a little.  _And I could still feel it the next day!_ she suddenly remembered.  Like a sore muscle she'd just exercised for the first time -- not anything really bad.  "I think you're right," she said with relief.  "That has to be it!  Wait -- does that mean this whole time I _haven't_ been a virgin?  So we didn’t need to wait so long?!”

_Ha!_   "No, no – that wasn’ the only reason to wait, but… no, you were a virgin before tonight.”

“Okay.  Still… if it was your fingers, you'd think that one of us might've felt it."

"I think it's just a tiny piece of... somethin'... the Red River flows through there so it--"

"Eww, shut up!" Ellie swatted him, laughing.  "I _said_ I think you're right so can we forget it now?"

He chuckled.  "Good to know I'm right once in a while.  I'm just... a little surprised you were so worried about me thinkin' you weren't really a virgin."

"Well, yeah.  I don't want you to think I lied to you about that.  You're my first and only!" she said happily.

Joel squeezed her and kissed the top of her head.  "You feel any different now?  Now that you ain't one anymore?"

"Um... I haven't decided.  Maybe I love you even more?  Except I don't really know if that's possible cuz I loved you a lot before.  It's hard to explain."

That was exactly the way he felt about it.  "Love you too, baby girl."

"I love you more than you love me, though."

"You do, huh?" Joel knew that was impossible, but he would humor her.  "How do you figure that?"

"Cuz you're the only person I've been with, and you've been with hundreds of other people."

Joel laughed.  "No I haven't!  Where'd you get that from?"

"You said so yourself!  Er... no, actually, you said you've had sex more than a hundred times.  When I asked you."

"Not with a hundred different women."

"But you've had it a lot and I've only had it once."  _Soon to be twice, if I get my way..._ "It was still special, though, right?"

Joel pretended to mull that over.  "Well... hmm.  Maybe you're right.  Since I've done it sooooo many times, one more time don' make much difference.  Just another roll in the hay, as they say."

_He's not supposed to tease me about that!_   Ellie lifted her head to look at him.  _He wouldn't be that mean, so he HAS to be teasing.  But maybe it's one of those teasing-but-not-really things, where he secretly does think that for real, or SORT of thinks it, like, a little bit..._

He had expected Ellie to glare at him, or maybe hit him again, but the way she was looking at him... _is she trying to see if I'm joking or not?_   "Ellie, I'm kiddin'."

"You're a dick," she said as she returned her head to its former position on his chest.

He started petting her hair, gently working his fingers through the tangles.  "I am," he agreed.  "Of course it was special."

"But you've had better."  _I just need more practice..._

"No--"

"I did what you told me, you know," she cut him off.  She couldn't help sounding defensive.  "You could've told me to do other stuff to make it better."

"You were perfect.  Hell... you made me cry."  Since tears had actually escaped from his eyeballs this time, he supposed he had to acknowledge it now.  Call a spade a spade.  "That's never happened before."

"Really?  All those other times... you never cried?"  _That_ certainly meant she was special!

"Nope."

_...unless he's just trying to make me feel better._   "...Liar.  You just don't want me to know you're a big softie."

Joel chuckled.  "You already know that... when it comes to you, anyway."

"So, I'm the only one who made you cry.  Ever."

"Yep," he confirmed.  If only he could magically transport her back in time and show her how different this time was than all the... _no, that wouldn't work, because she wouldn't be able to see it -- not without being inside my head..._ And she would probably just find new things to worry about.

"And... you weren't crying because I was so awful," Ellie continued.

"No!" he laughed.  "Hmm, is that why _you_ were cryin'?"

"I wasn't crying!"  She might've been, just a little...

"Almost-cryin', then.  'Cause you were so... disappointed."

"Ha!  That's ridiculous!"

"So we're even then."

She smiled and wriggled up to kiss him.  "No, we're not.  I want to be the one you've had the _most_ sex with.  Just like you're the one _I've_ had the most sex with.  Then we'll be even."

"Is that so."  Joel kissed her tenderly, holding her there, massaging the nape of her neck with his fingertips.  "We can work on that.  You're already the one I've had the _best_ sex with."  Her face sure lit up when he said that!

"What??  Shut up."  _Man, those other bitches must've REALLY been bad at it!_

"It's true."  Sometimes, words _could_ do things that actions couldn't.  He could make sweet love to her until his dick fell off and she still would have no way of knowing that he hadn't done exactly that with other people in the past.  He wasn't that good with words, but Ellie only needed to understand the basics here, really... "An' I've never felt closer to anyone else.  Ever.  So stop worryin' about doin' things right or wrong.  If you love me... you're doin' it right.  All right?"

_Wow... anyone EVER!_   Ellie felt her throat tighten.  She had to kiss him for such a beautiful declaration.  "Okay.  I still think I should practice some more anyway.  Like... right now."

"Now?  Really?"  She nodded eagerly, and he chuckled.  "All right, I'll try.  He might be goin' to sleep, though..." Joel lifted the covers a little, as if checking on a sleeping child.

"I'll wake him up," Ellie offered with a grin.  She let her hand wander down there as Joel dropped the blanket.  "One more question first."

"What's that, baby girl?"

"Would you, like... think it was sexy... if I licked your armpit?”


	47. A Fog of Uncertainty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so this is it -- the last chapter, after working on this story for 18 months. Man, that flew by! Thank you for all your comments and kudos, I truly appreciate every one of them (and will continue to do so)... and if you're reading as a lurker only, I appreciate you too... er, even if I don't know you're reading... yeah, something like that :)  
> Without further ado, please enjoy the final chapter!

Ellie couldn't quite bring herself to finish the slash through yesterday's date on her calendar page... until she transformed the line into a star instead.  A star big enough to fill up the whole square.  She set the pencil down and smiled at the paper.  _November 14th... the day Joel finally took my virginity.  ...And-- fuck!_

Her gasp drew Joel's attention.  "What?" he asked from somewhere behind her.

"Yesterday was Clicker's birthday!" Ellie wailed, twisting around in her chair to look at Joel.  "I totally forgot!"

"Uh... I think he'll forgive you for not wishin' him a happy birthday," he said dryly as he strapped on his holster belt.

Maybe not; the kid had been so sad to see her leave.  An image flitted through her mind... of Clicker blowing out those tiny little candles that old-time people used to put on top of birthday cakes for the birthday person to blow out and make a wish.  The cake in her mind had chocolate frosting with sprinkles around the edge.  She could see it so clearly.  It wasn't a memory, so it must've been a dream -- and she had to stop thinking about it before it somehow made her sad... _they always make me sad..._ because they had something to do with her nightmarish days of darkness in the tunnel.  Ellie had recovered physically, it would seem, but mentally... well, that always took longer, in her experience. 

"I told him I'd be thinking of him, though, and that was a total lie," she lamented now, turning back around to frown at the calendar page.

Joel came up behind her at the table, putting his hands on her shoulders and leaning down to kiss the top of her head.  "You meant it at the time."

"That's not how promises work, Joel," she grumbled.

"You are _way_ too hard on yourself.  You're thinkin' of him now.  You didn' forget."

"You're just trying to make me feel better."

"Damn straight.  That don' make it any less true."

Ellie turned around in the chair and climbed up on her knees so she could give Joel a hug and a kiss.  She knew she was being a little silly about this.  "Thanks.  Maybe he's forgotten all about me by now anyway... right?"  It was sad to think so, but she and Joel _had_ been gone a couple months now, and they'd only been in Jackson for like four and a half months before that.

"I doubt it.  You're pretty unforgettable."

She giggled a little.  "Says you."  She tried to kiss him again, but he pulled away, taking her hand instead.

"Come on, kiddo.  We need sustenance." He tugged her off the chair.

"I know, but--"

"No buts.  I don' think I can go another round without eatin' somethin'."

Ellie feigned indignation.  "I was just going to kiss you, not seduce you."

He led her outside, then pulled her back into his arms for another kiss.  "Safer out here," he teased.

_So fucking backwards!_  She grinned at him.  "I don't know if I'll ever get used to being able to kiss you out in the open."  They were still rather conservative in public, only now it wasn't because they had to be in order to keep their relationship a secret -- it was because they had agreed it was tacky and uncool to make out in front of people.

He smiled.  "It's kinda nice, ain't it?"

"You're not used to it, either -- you still look around like... like maybe someone might see us.  Or... is that just cuz this place is new?"

"Maybe both.  Come on."

They headed for 'the Hall' -- the restaurant building that was like a self-serve dining hall during the daytime.  They'd dawdled so much in their suite this morning that it was likely lunchtime now.  Joel was dressed for the beach, and Ellie was dressed for... well, the beach plus a winter layer of her beach bunny sweatshirt and jeans.  How Joel could seriously not think this weather was cold was beyond her.  True, Jackson was undoubtedly much colder right now, with less sunshine, but there was still a _breeze_ here that could be cold as fuck.

Ellie forgot about eating once they entered the building.  "Joel!  There's Sophie!  Can I go talk to her?" Not that she needed his permission to talk to people... "I mean, would you mind?"

Joel quirked an eyebrow.  "Talk to her about... ?"

"Um... stuff."  Ellie promptly blushed.  "I don't _have_ to..."

Joel chuckled.  "It's all right.  I don' mind.  Want me to go with y--"

"No!"

"Well, good, 'cause I'm starvin'.  Let's--"

"Ellie!  Joel!  Come eat with us!" Sophie called to them.

Ellie could see Sophie was trying to exchange a look with her, but she pretty much ignored it, because she just wanted to _talk_ to her.  Alone!

"I'll get you a plate of somethin'," Joel offered.  "I know you wanna go drag her off somewhere."

"How did you know?" Ellie said with a giggle.  She scuttled over to the table, politely said hi to Alex, Carlos, and Gail, then tugged on Sophie's arm.  "Come here -- I have to talk to you!  Like, not here!"

Sophie made no protest of abandoning her lunch; she seemed just as eager as Ellie to get away and have a chat.

"We'll be back!  Don't throw anything away!" Ellie called over her shoulder, always mindful of wasting food.

Ellie was going to drag her outside, but decided the wind would be too distracting -- plus, she knew Joel would rather keep an eye on her; he still got antsy if she wandered out of sight.  But she did pick a booth on the opposite side of the action -- the one farthest from the kitchen -- and sat with her back toward him.  _He can scrutinize SOPHIE's facial expressions if he wants!_   "Hopefully Lupe doesn't come over here and try to serve us and get an earful," Ellie snickered -- although she appreciated the woman's efforts to use up the available fresh food before it could spoil.

Sophie grasped Ellie's hands across the table excitedly.  "You're not a virgin anymore!"

She hadn't said it all that loud, but Ellie looked around anyway to make extra sure they were alone.  "You can tell?  Do I look different?" she giggled.

"Gee, I dunno... you're only blushing and giggling and looking happier than I've ever seen you -- even happier than _yesterday_ \-- so... yep, I'd say there's something different about you," she quipped, giving Ellie's hands a squeeze before dropping them.  "Soooo... tell me everything!  -Okay, not _every_ thing.  Just-- How was it?!"

"It was..." Ellie realized she didn't even know what she'd wanted to say to Sophie, just that she had to let her know the Big Thing had happened.  She giggled again.  "It was, um..."

"That good, huh?  Yay!  Nice hickey, by the way."

"What?" Ellie's hand flew up to her neck to try to flatten her hair over the mark... or the spot where she knew it was (she hadn't actually seen it yet).  She tried to do it innocently, but of course, drawing attention to it that way must have looked guilty as fuck.  "What are you talking about?" _...and why do I feel like I need to hide it, actually?  With SOPHIE, even!_ Somewhere in her head, the idea had taken root that hickeys were embarrassing.  But that was girlish... maybe?  _I'm a WOMAN now_.  _I shouldn't be embarrassed about ANY of this stuff anymore!_

Sophie gave her a knowing look, chuckling softly.  "Fine, be that way.  So?  Joel was amazing?"

Ellie smiled so wide she thought she might split her cheeks open or something, but she couldn't seem to help it.  "Yeah... he was... like, exactly how you said he would be.  Sweet and... you know..."

"Tender?" Sophie supplied.

"Yeah, that."  It sounded sort of corny, but... it was true.  "It didn't even hurt, exactly.  Not how I thought.  When he... Like, it was a little weird, being, um... you know... _filled up_ like that?" she giggle-whispered.

Sophie smirked a little.  "I wasn't going to ask you how _big_ he is or anything..."

_Oh my God!_   "No no, I don't mean like... I mean... _I_ think he is... but it... erm..."

"Girl, you are blushing so hard right now.  See?  You're still innocent."

"Don't you ever blush?"  Come to think of it, she'd never seen Sophie's cheeks turn red.

"I don't think so, anymore?  But you're still young, and... oh!  So you're not worried about Joel not liking you as much now that you're... a little _less_ innocent, right?"

"Was I worried about that?"  But she knew Sophie was right; just a mere twenty-four hours ago, she'd been worried about stupid shit like that.  _I really DID grow up overnight, sort of!_  "Yeah, that was dumb.  Cuz now it's like... something else I can share with him.  Something no one else does.  Er, does with him, I mean."  She remembered feeling jealous when Joel was going to go swim with Sophie and not her, that first time when she'd been afraid to go in the water, afraid to engage with life... _this isn't quite like THAT, either..._ "Or... I dunno.  It's not just that.  It does feel like we're closer, though.  Just like you said."

"I'm an expert on this stuff," Sophie said authoritatively, smiling.  "Except when it comes to myself."

"Aww.  Is there anyone here you like?  Like that, I mean.  Or is it too soon to tell?"  Ellie hadn't fallen in love with Joel right away, but that might've been due to the uniqueness of their situation.  She wasn't sure what was considered _normal_.

"Eh... not really."  Ellie could hear a shrug in her voice.  "I dunno.  I kind of don't even want to deal with that right now.  You know?"

"Yeah," said Ellie, although she couldn't really imagine not wanting to _deal with_ kissing and hugging (etcetera!) Joel, like it was some kind of hardship.  _It must be hard to... not have the love thing happen by accident?_   "Well, I hope you find someone as-- well, _half_ as amazing as Joel, someday.  Cuz it's impossible to find someone with the same level of... amazingness."

Sophie chuckled.  "Me, too.  And speak of the devil..."

Ellie turned and saw Joel approaching them with two plates of food.  "Thought if you're gonna yak a while, you might wanna jus' eat over here," he explained.  He placed the half-eaten plate in front of Sophie, a full one in front of Ellie.

"Oh, are you our waiter?"  Ellie cleared her throat for dramatic effect, then tried her best to sound like a snooty person from a movie; Joel used to enjoy it when she played little games like this.  "Yes, waiter... since we're in this... really _fancy_ establishment... can you bring me a side of... ... ...?" Her mind went blank.

"Caviar!" Sophie suggested.

"Yes!  Caviar," Ellie said in her snobby voice.  She didn't even know what the fuck caviar was, but she knew it was for rich people.  "My absolute _favorite_ , when it's… _prepared_ properly... and don't skimp on the... ... ..."

"Um... sauce?" Sophie offered.  "No, wait, that's not..."

"You two playin' Mad Libs or somethin'?" asked Joel, and Ellie could tell he was amused.

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "We're not _mad_.  Honestly -- you should be more polite to your customers.  I may have to have a _word_ with the management here."  _Always fun to throw Joel-isms back at him!  And he totally noticed it!_   "But, yes... cocktail sauce.  _Molotov_ cocktail sauce!"

Joel quirked an eyebrow.  "Thought you didn' like Mol--"

"I didn't when I was younger," Ellie interrupted haughtily.  "I do now.  It's a... refined... er..."

"Acquired taste?" he ventured.

"Yes.  And what sort of waiter questions his customers' preferences?  Such rudeness!" she scoffed.

Joel snorted.  "My apologies.  Comin' right up, ma'am."

"That's more like it!"  Ellie broke character and giggled before remembering to add, "And water!  Yes... _vintage_ water."  She wasn't sure what 'vintage' meant, exactly, but she'd heard wine described that way, so it had to be fancy.

Joel looked like he was about to say something -- and from the look that flickered across his face, it was something serious, maybe?! -- but he ended up just sort of smirking as he left.  _I'll have to remember to ask him about that later._   Ellie dug into her... well, she wasn't sure what it was.  Leftover cod from the previous night, as was customary here (and the 'fridge' in the kitchen was unlike one Ellie had ever seen before -- it was more like a huge underground bucket! So they couldn't keep anything for long), mixed up with what they called 'wild celery' and something rice-y that wasn't rice.  She would've preferred a plain old elk sandwich, but she hadn't realized how hungry she was until she was stuffing the food in her face, and the hunger coupled with her awesome mood made the lunch fucking _epic_.  _Man, I do miss popcorn, though... and bacon..._

"I'm sure he'd rather eat with you than a bunch of strangers," Sophie remarked as she resumed eating her own lunch.

"You and Alex aren't strangers," Ellie pointed out.  "But... yeah, I should let him join us.  Me and you can always talk about stuff later... I basically just wanted to let you know _IT HAPPENED_ so you wouldn't have to keep wondering."  _And it's probably not polite to ask a person about 'virgin bleeding' over lunch anyway..._

"Thanks for that.  I _was_ wondering, all last night and all morning."  Sophie sighed contentedly.  "I'm so happy for you guys!"

"I'm happy for _you_ \-- you're way happier now than you were before.  I guess you decided to forgive Alex for bailing on you?"

"Yeppers... we had a good talk last night, finally.  I... sort of can't blame him.  He thought I cared more about... you know.  Having lots of shoes... reading my novels... shallow gossip with Kathy and Millie... and, of course -- guys."  Sophie snorted.  "I really took him for granted.  We give each other shit... we have fun hanging out sometimes... but we never... I think he was shocked to find out that I'd rather be where he is than... not.  That I didn't want to just wait around town and see if he eventually comes back with Nina... you know?"

"Do you ever tell him you love him?" asked Ellie between bites (she didn't have to ask Sophie whether she did actually love him or not -- _duh!_ ).

Sophie seemed a little surprised at the question.  "Nope.  Never.  My family... we've never been the type that says it out loud.  It's just... assumed."

"You _should_ , though," Ellie said sagely.  "Maybe he would've asked you to come with him if he knew for sure?"

"Well, I think he knows now, don't you?" Sophie chuckled.

"I bet he'd still like to hear it.  And wouldn't it be awesome to hear it back?"

Sophie scrunched up her face.  "It would be... weird, actually."

"But also awesome!  Guys are kind of clueless about it, though, so sometimes you--"

Her advice was cut off by Joel.  "Ohhh I see how it is.  Send the man to go get your drinks an' then do some gender-bashin' behind his back?"

As soon as Joel set the glasses down, Ellie tugged him down into the booth, scooting over only the minimum amount of space required to let him sit.  "Yep!  Every time you turn your back, we talk shit about you."  She liked the way he casually draped his arm across the back of the seat, grazing her shoulders.

Sophie started to get up.  "I'll just let you--"

"You don't have to go!" Ellie protested.  "We won't start making out at the table or anything."

"Ellie--" Joel said warningly.

"Hey, make out all you want!" Sophie interrupted him before Ellie could even wonder how her words had earned her an 'Ellie' this time.  _Didn't I just say we WON'T start making out?!_   Sophie continued, "Lord knows I deprived you of that... uh... ability?  The whole way here from Jackson!  Besides, Alex wanted to hear the bear story."

"Ooo!  Make sure you exaggerate everything," Ellie told her.  "How big it was... how close it got to you... Joel being a bad-ass with the gun-- wait, that part doesn't have to be exaggerated!"

"Will do!" Sophie chirped before sauntering away.

Joel waited maybe three seconds before turning to Ellie with that sexy smile he had... "Alone at last," he murmured before kissing her softly.

"Except we're not exactly alone, and it's not _at last_ when we were just alone in our room like ten minutes ago?" Ellie teased with a grin (although she kind of felt the same way, actually!), cupping his cheek so she could stroke his beard with her thumb.

He turned and kissed her palm, as he was wont to do whenever she did that.  "Mm.  Too long."

"Aww!"  She lowered her voice.  "Who knew sex would make you even sweeter than you already are?"

"I ain't--"

"Shut up -- yes you are.  Since I'm the one you're sweet to, don't I get to decide if you are or not?  And you are.  _And_ \-- you know it, and love it.  You just don't want anyone else to know.  Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.  Except Sophie cuz she already knows... this whole town or whatever-it-is probably knows cuz they see you kiss me and stuff."  She giggled a little.  _He still looks at me the same adoring way he did yesterday..._

He tangled a hand in her hair idly; Ellie liked that he just seemed to want to touch her constantly.  "You're right," he said.  "I might wanna work on my reputation a little.  Show 'em who wears the pants."

She gave him a puzzled look for that bizarre comment.  "What do your pants have to do with anything?"

He chuckled.  "Nothin'.  Just an expression."

"...Meaning?" she prodded.   _What the fuck else would he wear?  A--_ "Oh God -- remember you said you were going to wear a dress -- or was it a tuxedo..."

Joel chuckled.  “I think we were both gonna wear dresses.  But I dodged that one by agreein’ to kiss you every day.”

Ellie giggled.  “I still want to get you some bunny slippers like mine, though.  You’d look so cuuuuute!”  She pinched his cheek the way people in movies pinched little kids’ cheeks when they talked about how cute they were and stuff.

“I’ll leave the cute to you, thank you very much.”  Joel pulled her hand back down to the table, nearly into her plate before she elbowed it out of the way.

Ellie thought back to that glorious day… the first time he’d kissed her.  The giddiness she felt now was reminiscent of that, and she wished she could make it last forever.  “Okay so what’s the deal with your pants?”

He gave a little laugh; for some reason, he didn’t seem to want to explain that one.  "Nothin’.  As long as people know that they can't mess with us, I'm good."

"Ha!  I dare them to fucking _try_."  If anyone thought Joel was _too sweet_ to kick their asses... _even if he was, I'M certainly not!_  

She'd always felt possessive of Joel, but now... somehow, that feeling had intensified.  She wasn't sure why.  _Does the fact that his dick's been inside me really make things soooo different?_   Obviously, sex wasn't _just_ about his dick; they had _made love_.  Several times.  _Is that why I'm more in love with him now, and he seems more in love with me?  Because we,  like... made MORE of it?_

She would have to ponder these things... maybe while going to sleep.  She'd been so excited last night that she'd barely gotten any sleep.  A condition Joel sure didn't suffer from _\-- he was out like a light, after that second time.  Though it was really sweet that he TRIED to stay awake for me!_

When she _had_ finally fallen asleep, she hadn't had any nightmares.  No panic attacks since that one on the beach, either.  It had only been one night -- way too soon to know anything for sure -- but Ellie liked to believe that the magical properties of Joel's dick had miraculously cured her of these ailments.  _Nothing but good things in store for us now!_

 

* * *

 

Five weeks later, Ellie knew better.

Oh, nothing majorly bad had happened to them.  She continued to have nightmares and panic attacks... and, more occasionally, insomnia and bizarre flashbacks.  Joel had nightmares, but none of the other things, at least that she knew of.  He'd gotten pretty adept at preventing her nightmares, just like he used to back in Jackson, but there was nothing he could do about the panic attacks. 

Joel had killed a man here -- on the Outside -- but that wasn't exactly bad or unusual.  Especially when the man was trying to rob them.  Joel had suspected that he was the man who had been denied entry into the resort the day before... the one Ray had told to move along.  He'd fit the description.  Apparently, it wasn't uncommon for people to stick around after such a rejection, either trying to figure out a way in or planning to attack people who ventured out.  Ellie couldn't really blame them... but that didn't mean she thought the Golden Sands people should share their bounty with anyone who wanted it, either.

She and Joel had gone out on the fishing boat with the regular fisherpeople, twice... and twice was enough for Ellie, because that second time, a storm had hit them and scared the shit out of her.  Even Joel had been scared.  The others, not so much, but they weren't exactly _not_ scared, either.  Especially when the boat nearly capsized!

After that, they stuck to hunting.  Which made more sense, because Parker and his dad were the only two people who went hunting out of the whole group, and everyone agreed it would be good to have more meat to offset some of the fish.  And the best thing about hunting for 'the clan,' as some liked to call it, was they could hand off their kills to other people to do the cleaning and cooking.  Just like Jackson, everyone was able to contribute _something_. 

That first time they'd come back with animals to be cleaned, Ellie had been surprised to find that Sophie was one of the volunteers -- and she apparently liked to help with the cooking, too.  Her other unofficial job was hair stylist, and while it certainly must have been nothing like what Sophie had imagined herself doing back in the day, Ellie was happy that she at least got to put those skills to use in some manner.  Sophie had taught Ellie how to do her own French braid, but Ellie's always turned out shitty in comparison, and she preferred to have Sophie do it, as it gave them a chance to chat.  Besides, she remembered how Joel used to say in Jackson that they needed to let people do their jobs rather than everyone doing their own thing, because that's what made it a real community.  Hair certainly wasn't as important as food and shelter and stuff, of course, but Ellie appreciated the principle -- and now she could laugh about how she'd wanted them to do their own laundry, to avoid 'the skanks.'  _Haha!  How silly I was back then._

Ray had said that there were no rules, no schedules, that people just did whatever they wanted... but it wasn't like it was complete chaos.  Everyone seemed to operate like one big family, assessing the needs of the clan and acting accordingly.  If they had a lot of meat, there would be no hunting for a day or two -- and sometimes if they had a lot of fish there would be no hunting, either, simply because they couldn't store food for very long, even in winter.  Some people had more free time than others... and some didn't _like_ to have any free time.  People tended to congregate either on the beach or on the boardwalk overlooking it, and if someone needed an extra hand or two for some task, they'd just come over and holler, and usually have more volunteers than they needed.  Joel and Ellie helped out whenever they had the chance -- even though they'd already been invited to stay as long as they liked, and didn't need to kiss up to anyone now.  It wasn't like they had shitloads of other things to do... and Ellie hated to admit it, but sometimes, she felt bored just hanging around the beach all day.  Even with the glorious ~ocean~ and all.  Much better to have some time away doing other things; it made her appreciate it more. 

One thing Ellie never got tired of:  campfire time!  Joel had started giving her guitar lessons again, but she still wasn't good enough to play for the group.  To her delight, Joel finally did... and he even sang "Future Days" to her, in front of everyone!  She'd been embarrassed as fuck, but... in a good way.  If anyone was grossed out by them being a couple, they sure didn't show it.  Joel said he could tell that some people didn't approve, but Ellie never really got that impression from anyone, and she wondered if Joel was imagining it.  Approving or not, everyone seemed to accept that they were together -- and that there was no use trying to separate them.  Joel didn’t really tell her she needed to spend more time with other people, either, like he had in Jackson.  For one thing, the only resident even remotely close to her age was that sixteen-year-old boy, Parker, and Joel certainly didn't want her hanging around him.  He didn't even want to hunt as a quartet with Parker and his dad, which Ellie couldn't really understand, but she did enjoy hunting with Joel when it was just the two of them, so she didn't make a big fuss about it.  Joel did encourage her to spend time with Sophie, or the two kids... and maybe a couple other people she'd taken a special liking to.  But he was never very far away when she did.

Presently, he picked the perfect moment to amble over and see what Ellie and six-year-old Gabby were sculpting in the sand.  Ellie looked up from her work and caught the surprise that flickered across his face.

"Yeah, these are... what you're thinking," she confirmed for him with a grin.  "But we're not gonna leave her naked.  We're gonna cover them up with a seashell bikini top."

"And seaweed hair!" Gabby added.

"Seaweed for her hair, yep."

Joel still had a _what-the-fuck-IS-it_ look on his face.

Ellie sighed at his lack of imagination.  "It's a mermaid, see?  Her tail needs more definition... maybe some shells down there too, like for the scales.  Wanna help?" she asked hopefully.  Joel had yet to really get into the sand sculpting, but maybe he would surprise her.  "Or you could help Chad -- his dinosaur park is prob'ly more your thing, huh."  Ellie was trying to spend equal time on each project, going back and forth; the siblings got along okay, but unfortunately, it seemed she had become a source of rivalry between them, so she had to make sure she didn't play favorites.

"Thank you, but no," said Joel.  "I jus' stopped by to tell you I have somethin' to take care of.  If you need me--"

"Take care of what?  Where are you going?"  Ellie stood up and wiped off her sandy hands on her bare legs.

"Not far.  Other end of the beach."

_What the fuck could he have to take care of over there?_   "Um... past the rocks?"  That was what they'd started calling 'their spot' -- where they'd almost made love that first time.

"Yes."

_Oh, I get it!_  Of course he wasn't going to say _"let's go fuck"_ in front of the kids.  "I'll come with you!" she said brightly.

"No... I need to go alone."

Ellie tried to hide her disappointment at misunderstanding him.  "Oh.  Can't I help--"

"No."  He smiled a little and kissed her forehead.  "Keep up the good work here.  I'll be back before you know it."

Ellie sank back into the sand and resumed patting the mermaid's boobs into equal little mounds.  _What could he be doing over there?  Is he planning a surprise for me?  ...no, he's not bringing anything over there..._ He was just wearing his swim trunks and holster belt.  _And why would he ANNOUNCE that he's going over there if that's what he was doing?  Maybe he WANTS me to follow him?  But then, why didn't he just take me up on my offer to help?  He doesn't usually play games like that._ That was more her thing than his... although she was trying to be more direct these days.  She was tempted to follow him, but she knew she had to respect his wish for privacy.

Still... he could've just gone over there without saying anything to her.  He was still keeping an eye on her, although Ellie didn't see why, since the place was totally safe.  She didn't feel the need to keep an eye on _him_.  _Maybe because I know he's always around, watching ME?_  She didn't even bring either of her guns down to the beach anymore because of that (she had two again, since Sophie had returned the 9-millimeter), and she only carried one around the grounds because Joel asked her to.  She tried not to be lazy about it; sure, Joel always had a gun on him, but if shit went down, how could Ellie have his back without her own?  And it wasn't very adult of her to be content with letting Joel be the only one protecting them.  She was his partner, not his child.  Everyone there had been trained eons ago on how to use the various guns on the premises -- even the two kids had been taught about gun safety.  There weren't enough guns to go around for everyone to have one (at least, not without Joel and Ellie divvying up their arsenal, and neither one of them was willing to embrace the spirit of sharing to _that_ extent); they were mostly reserved for people venturing Outside, aside from the rifle kept in the unmanned 'watch tower' up front.

Thinking about Joel _not_ watching her now -- and without her having her gun on her -- was starting to make her feel a bit uneasy.  Which was fucked up and abnormal and wrong, she knew, but knowing that didn't seem to matter. _I am STRONG,_ she tried to remember _.  I don't NEED him to watch out for me all the time... I like it, but I'm okay on my own... anyways, he'll be back soon, and until then, I can distract--_

"Ellie!"

She turned at the sound of Joel calling her name.  _Okay, so he came back REAL soon!_   She scrambled to her feet and used her hand as a visor to look at him in the bright sun.  "Yeah?" she called back, taking a few steps toward him.

"You can come if you want."

_Of course I want!_   She turned to the little girl.  "Okay, Gabs, you wanna pick out all the best seashells to do her top while I'm gone?"

"Okay!"  The girl was used to Ellie ditching her for Joel by now.

Ellie trotted up to Joel and reached for his hand with her sandy one (wiping it on her leg didn't seem to help all that much).  Joel hated sand, and made it quite _clear_ that he hated sand, but he would rather deal with it than deal with Ellie's pouting about him not wanting to hold her hand.  She decided to be nice and tug him into the water enough that they could squat for a moment to rinse off their hands.

They kept walking there along the edge with the water either rushing at their ankles, lapping at their toes, or falling short of them altogether, depending on the size of the incoming wave.  Ellie loved taking walks with Joel like this.  Sometimes they would just walk in comfortable silence, enjoying the beauty of their surroundings along with the beauty of being together.  But Ellie was too curious to be quiet this time.  "What are we doing?"

"You'll see."

"Okay... so, what made you change your mind about letting me come?"

Joel took a few moments to answer.  "I realized... it ain't somethin' I need to do alone.  An' it's somethin' that'll make you happy."

"Oh yeah?  And you were gonna do it without me?!"  She grinned wickedly and tugged him closer, pretending she had reason to speak conspiratorially even with no one in earshot.  "Is it naughty?"

Joel smirked.  "No.  But it's related to that."

"What?  What the f--"

"You'll find out in a minute."

"Why do we have to go way over there if we're not... doing anything?"

"We don' have to.  I jus' want to.  Your face is gettin' more sunburnt..."

"Don't change the subject!" she laughed.  Since she really didn't like wearing a hat, Joel always urged her to spend more time in the cabanas on the beach, but Ellie liked the warmth of the sun.  Besides, you couldn't make sandcastles or play in the ocean in a cabana!  _Except_ \-- when he was in the mood to read _Mistakes Can Kill You_ , Ellie would happily hang out with him there so he wouldn't have to try to watch her out of the corner of his eye.  That way, he could get properly absorbed in the book.  They'd tried reading one of the stories together, which was cozy and nice, but also too distracting (not because Ellie tried to get naughty with him or anything -- she just wanted to turn the pages faster than Joel did, and the constant need to turn pages made it hard for either of them to concentrate).  She'd suggested taking turns reading it out loud to each other, but Joel hadn't taken her up on the offer yet. 

It was better for her to read her own book while he read his.  This reminded Ellie of how they used to hang out on their couch in Jackson.  Not exactly snuggling, but not exactly _not_ snuggling.  And since she'd finished the book she'd brought from Jackson, Chad had given her one of his favorite books -- a Harry Potter one, which made her think of Clicker and how they used to play that game on the Wii.  The problem with Harry was the same one she'd had with _Savage Starlight_ :  there were so many parts to the whole story, and she might never be able to read the parts she was missing.  _At least not until we go back to Jackson..._

"I was jus' makin' an observation," Joel said now. 

Ellie didn't much care whether she was sunburned or not, except when the skin on her face peeled.  At least she could annoy Joel by peeling and picking at the skin on her legs (he just _had_ to tell her to leave it alone, always! as if helping the dead skin along was harmful), but she couldn't _see_ her face.  Not even in the mirror beneath their bathroom skylight, or via flashlight (too glare-y in the mirror).  And Joel wouldn't do it for her.  It was one of those things he'd filed in the it's-for-your-own-good region of his brain -- a place her _"please?"_ s and pleading looks couldn't penetrate.

Eager to get to their destination, Ellie tried to pull him into a run, but he resisted her efforts.  "So impatient!" he chided her with amusement.

When they finally reached the 'rock wall,' they didn't climb over it; since they were both dressed for swimming, Joel insisted they take the easier route of wading into the water a bit -- easier, but longer, and Ellie thought he was rather enjoying tormenting her as long as possible with the suspense he'd created.  It was pretty cold out these days, being mid-to-late December -- it was almost Christmas, and definitely not the Christmas Ellie had imagined they would have, bundled up together in their little house, waiting out blizzards.  She knew it wasn't even half as cold here as it was in Jackson, though, and she was actually kind of getting used to it.  On sunny days like today, she sometimes even felt _warm_.  Joel said it must be her sunburn warming her.

"Now what?" she asked when they reached the other side.  "Are we going to our little... cave thing over there?"

Joel took her hand again and led her down the beach.  "Sure... well, close to it."

"I still wanna do it in there some time, you know."

He chuckled.  "You may have mentioned that a few times, yes."

When they got to a place that Joel deemed good enough, he let go of her hand, resting his on what she now saw was an empty holster; he'd only brought one gun.  He looked like he was chewing on some words, trying to figure out what to say.

Ellie realized they weren't just going to be collecting driftwood or checking a net.  This was something personal!  _Omigod... is he gonna propose?!  -No, of course not -- why would he start out doing that on his own and THEN decide that maybe it was okay if I came along?_ _Unless he's trying to throw me off tr-- NO._ _Don't be stupid, Ellie.  Besides, he thinks you're too young to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with._   She rubbed his arm in a gesture intended to be reassuring.  "What is it?" she asked gently.

He smiled a little.  "I... uh... well, I don' know what to say, seein' as how I was gonna do this by myself, so... I guess I'll jus' go ahead an' tell you what I wanted to do."  He reached into the empty holster... which wasn't empty after all.  Whatever was in there seemed to be stuck.  "Jammed it in there too much... shit..."

"Let me help!" Ellie offered, and he let her nudge his hand out of the way.  "Is... that what I think it is?!"

"Yep."

_The PERV rock!_   Since her hand was smaller than Joel's, she was able to wedge it in there a little to get a better grip, and she extracted the rock without much difficulty.  "I hope this means... are you gonna chuck it into the ocean?" she asked hopefully.

"I am.  Unless you'd like to do the honors."

"Fuck yeah I would!"  Ellie looked at the ugly rock.  Turned it over in her hands.  The rock itself wasn't ugly... _ugly_ was the asshole who had defiled the poor thing.  She thought about what it must mean for Joel to be able to let go of it now.  _Is he letting go of ALL the bad stuff?  Maybe because people here aren't treating him like a child molester?_

Joel seemed pensive.  "I still feel like I should say somethin'."

"You don't have to."  Not to discourage him from talking about shit... but she knew it made him uncomfortable, and she'd rather spare him the unnecessary torment.

"I know.  I want to."  He tilted her chin up and looked her in the eye.  "I ain't sure why I felt like I needed to hang on to this in the first place... as a reminder, or somethin'... I don' know.  You're the psychologist."  She smiled at that.  "I'm still well aware of... how young you are.  How many years there are between us.  I still... I don' wanna take advantage.  All this time, I've had that in my head, that it's what I'm doin'... that ain't gonna jus' go away.  Even when I get rid of this."

_Ugh!_   "But you're not--"

"I know you don' think so."  He kissed her nose.  " 'Cause you're a sweet young girl.  And... maybe you're right.  But, even if I am... it ain't because I'm a sick... a _perv_ , like this says.  The way I feel... if there's anythin' wrong with it, it ain't that."

"Of course it's not!"  Ellie had been telling him that for months.  _For a smart guy, he can be really slow sometimes._   _Is it finally sinking in?!_   "There's nothing wrong with it at all.  You love me."

"Yes.  Nothin' wrong with a guy lovin' his... girlfriend."

She had to giggle a little at the way he said it.  Like he'd just tasted something new and wasn't sure if he liked it or not.  "Does that mean... you're my boyfriend?"

"If you want."

_Hello, I'm Ellie, and this is my boyfriend, Joel._   She smiled.  "I like it, but if you hate it... the label's not important.  Remember?"

He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her -- and the rock, since her arms were coiled up -- against his chest.  "It is... an' it ain't.  But if anyone asks you... what our relationship is..."

Ellie snorted.  "I think they all know by now!"

"I mean someone new... not that we meet that many new people... I don' know.  I think it'd be nice to not have to try to explain it, or avoid explainin' it.  You use that word, an' people know."

"So, like... if a new person asked you why we stick together or something, if they know you're not my dad?  You'd say 'she's my girlfriend' ?"

"Sure."

Ellie liked it better than 'partner', which could also describe a platonic relationship.  'Significant other' sounded... pretentious or something (plus it was kind of too long).  'Lover' was good, but... too intimate?  People didn't really go around saying _"we're lovers."_   As for slang... _'my boo'?_   She couldn't imagine Joel saying that -- it was more like what Clicker would use.  And calling him her man... and her, his woman... she kind of liked that, too, except it had like a caveman connotation to it.  Plus, Joel still had a hard time referring to her as a woman, even though they were having sex.  If Ellie had been expecting him to drop the 'kiddo' nickname and quit calling her a girl after that, she'd been mistaken.  Then again, he referred to Sophie as a girl sometimes, too -- it didn't seem to strictly be an age thing.

"You thinkin' up somethin' better?" he teased; she must have been silent too long.

"No, I like it!  Boyfriend/girlfriend."  It still wasn't... _enough_ , really... but was there really any word that would be?  _'Love of my life' is a little corny... and more than one word.  Ha!_  And now she couldn't resist asking, "What about when we go back to Jackson?"

He gave her a squeeze.  "We don' have to think about that right--"

"I know!  It's more like a... _what if_ question."  _If... except really it's WHEN._   Ellie missed Jackson.  She missed her friends, the farm, the library... the hot water and electricity... but not the drama.  Maybe their absence would allow the rumors to die... _die and not come back to life the second we ride through the gates?_

"All right... well... I _have_ thought about it. I think that... I'd like to say to hell with 'em all, we could strut right back in there as boyfriend/girlfriend, but that... prob'ly wouldn' go over so well.  I _know_ it wouldn't with Tommy."

"So what?  Tommy's your _brother_.  He's not gonna do anything to hurt you."

"Don' be so sure about that.  An' what about your friends?  Don't you think--"

"I don't care what they think!  Joel, really... I don't think I could go back to pretending I don't love you."

"You wouldn' have to.  You loved me before you actually... _loved_ me, didn' you?"

"Of course!"

"We've never hidden that from them.  We walked around holdin' hands.  We snuggled on the couch at Tommy'n'Maria's.  Was it really so bad, not kissin' in public?"

Ellie thought about it.  "It is, and it ain't," she mimicked his words from earlier.  "I mean, we're not exactly walking around sucking face with our hands down each other's pants all the time.  But... I like that we can kiss each other-- little kisses.  Like, when you kiss my nose, even.  You can't do that if we're playing father and daughter cuz it's creepy."

He kissed her nose again.  "Maybe not.  So that's the dealbreaker?  Nose-kissin'?"

She snickered a little.  "No, no... I dunno.  Just... if they're going to think we're fucking _anyway_..."

"I really don' know how it would go, either way.  Jus' bein' back there.  If people would start spreadin' rumors an' shit again, vandalize the house..."

"We'd stay with Tommy and Maria?  And the baby!"  That wouldn't be so bad.  Ellie loved that baby already.  At least, the idea of it.  She thought of herself as an aunt to him or her.  _And it's probably kicking real good by now!_ she thought with a pang.  But if she and Joel lived there, they'd have to settle for stolen moments again, afternoons in Ghost Town...

"Maybe.  You know that sayin' about not burnin' bridges?  I'd rather not burn that one, if things got bad.  The idea of bein' who we are, an' _what_ we are... not hidin' like we're doin' somethin' bad... it's... noble, an' whatnot, on principle.  But livin' on your principles is a luxury... that you gotta weigh against other luxuries.  You understand?"

Yes, she understood.  She understood that without Joel being the voice of reason, she would burn all the bridges she could from here all the way back to Boston if it meant not living a lie.  Even if they never found any other civilized place that would accept them for who they were.  Wasn't that worth the price?  _Any_ price?

But she did like living in the safety of a town, or this resort.  She knew Joel didn't consider Golden Sands as safe as Jackson, which was like a fucking fortress, but Ellie felt safe here.  It was nice not having to look over her shoulder all the time.  Nice not having to constantly worry about running out of water or where their next meal was coming from.  Nice being able to _play_.  Especially for Joel's sake; being Outside so much did take a toll on him.  She wanted him -- no, _needed_ him -- to live a long, happy life, and that meant living somewhere safe.  No place was one hundred percent safe -- even the really safe ones (like Quarantine Zones) weren't guaranteed to stay that way.  Shit happened.  And shit happened _inside_ of them, too -- there were more things to consider than just being inside guarded walls.

"I get it," she said finally.  "I get that it's... not black and white.  It's complicated.  And you're right -- we don't have to think about it now.  And before we go to Jackson we might... look for Spirit?"

"Maybe."

She knew Joel wasn't keen on that option, and she wasn't sure how much she wanted to do that herself.  Whether the horse had left her on purpose or not, she believed he was okay (she hoped he'd blessed them with a Spirit Junior, but it was too soon to know).  "Maybe he's hanging out with Bella somewhere," Ellie mused.  Now _that_ was a nice fantasy...

"Who?"

"Bella."  But she wasn't surprised Joel didn't know who she was referring to; it was cute, how much he sucked at remembering names.  "You know... Ron's horse that got stolen?  Imagine the look on his face if we showed up at his door with her!  That would be _so_ cool."

"Oh.  Right."  He did seem to remember who Ron was, at least.  But he frowned.  "Ellie... the chances of findin' either of them..."

Ellie sighed.  "I know.  It's just nice to think about."  She bit her lip before she could add some depressing remark about everyone leaving her.  It wasn't Joel's fault, nor was there anything he could do to help... he would just feel like he had to remind her that _he_ loved her and would never leave her.  Things she already knew... for the most part (and now wasn't one of the times where she needed him to reassure her).

She knew Spirit loved her, too.  She could tell, even without people marveling at how Spirit never put his nose on _their_ shoulders, never nickered to them, and all that... Ellie could just sort of... _sense_ it.  And the horse wouldn't have just stopped loving her, especially for no reason; animals were much better than humans in that regard.  It was weird, trying to reconcile the loving with the leaving.  Trying to accept that sometimes, loved ones weren't meant to be in your life forever. _I always try so hard to hold on to everyone_... _and it's impossible._   _Sometimes, you just have to let go._

_...Except for Joel, of course!_   His love was unlike anything she'd ever known.  It was understood that whatever place they decided to call home, they would always stay together.  No, his dick wasn't exactly _magical_... but after thinking on it a while, Ellie thought she'd figured out the biggest difference between Before and After.  Now, she felt more like she had every right to be with Joel and less like he was just doing her a favor -- a favor she was selfish to accept.  She no longer felt like she was depriving him of something... something he could've had with an older woman, if she would just let him go.  Then he could go be with someone _easier_.  Someone who didn't make him feel like a child molester. 

But in reality, she wasn't being selfish -- because he didn't _want_ her to let him go.  That had always been the case, and she never should have felt that way to begin with.  It wasn't the sex that mattered... it was the love.

Ellie had tried to tell him all that before (well, except for the last bit, which was so sappy she kind of had to roll her eyes at herself just for thinking it), and he had told her she was cute.  She had pretended to be annoyed, had pouted about him not taking her seriously... _and then he started kissing me... showing me just HOW seriously he takes me..._ as if he had to.  As if he didn't prove it every single day, in so many ways.

There were still times she got in her melancholy moods... where it _hurt_ that he loved her so much.  And, worse, that she loved _him_ so much, knowing she would have to lose him someday.  _I just have to try not to think about that too much, because thinking about it threatens to RUIN the good stuff..._

"You all right?" he asked her softly.

_Fuck, this time I was definitely quiet too long!_ "Yeah..."

"I know you're sad about Spirit.  Jus' remember he's--"

"No, it's not that.  I mean, I _am_ , but..." She swallowed a lump in her throat.

He brought his hand to her cheek, stroking with his thumb.  "What is it?  Tell me."

She didn't like talking to Joel about that kind of pain.  What was the point?  It would only depress him.  "It's nothing."

Now he cupped her face in both hands, brushed his lips over hers, and looked her in the eye.  "It ain't nothin'.  It happens to you a lot, an' you never wanna talk about whatever's on your mind when... you get this look on your face... I don' know what it is.  I know allllll the looks you have, but this one..."

"Just... sad," she offered unhelpfully.

"Yes.  Sad.  But... more than that.  It's... mournful... but also... scared?"

_Aww... look at him, trying to figure me out!_ "I just love you too much," she blurted.

Joel chuckled.  "Nice try.  But if you don' wanna talk about--"

"No, really!"  She snaked her arms around him and hugged him hard, pressing her face into his chest because she was afraid of getting teary.  His heart was beating comfortingly into her cheek, strong and warm.  _What will it feel like when I can’t feel that anymore… when it stops_ … She dropped the rock into the sand behind him.  "I can't stand it sometimes.  That's the truth, I swear."

He petted her hair soothingly, playing with some strands that had blown loose from her braid.  "What can't you stand about it, baby girl?"

"Joel, you don't wanna talk about this.  I know you don't.  Just forget it, okay?"

He gave her a big squeeze.  "Yes I do.  I wanna help you deal with... whatever's botherin' you."

She sniffled a little.  _I am NOT crying._   "You can't.  No one can.  It's okay... I can deal with it on my own."  _Most of the time..._

"But why do that when you don' have to?"  He kissed the top of her head.  "I'm here with you.  I can--"

"That's the problem!"  She jerked away from him... and found that she didn't want to look at him, so she turned away before finally explaining.  "You're here _now_.  But you won't always be.  One of us is going to die, and leave the other one.  There's no way around that.  That's... how life _works_.  Unless we can somehow make it so we both die at the same time, but you hate that idea."  She felt him come up behind her and wrap his arms around her, and it felt _too nice_ , but she leaned back against him anyway.  "You say I'm too much younger than you, so we can't do that.  But Joel... that's actually really mean of you, cuz you're saying you _want_ to be the one that leaves me.  You want me to spend the rest of my life without you, and I _can't_.  How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" She wasn't angry with him, but the words sure _sounded_ angry when they tumbled out of her mouth.  Maybe because she was holding back tears, and anger served as a good dam.

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

"No!  I really wanna know!" She squiggled around in his arms to look at him then.

He wasn't crying, but he looked... more emotional than usual.  He held her face again.  "You... jus' do it."

_Just do it?_   Ellie snorted.  "Thanks.  Wish I'd thought of that."

His lips almost twitched into a smile.  "I mean... you put one foot in front of the other an'... go about your business... be with other people you love, who love you..."

Ellie shook her head.  "They won't be you.  No one would even be _close_ to being you."

"But they'll help you through the hard times.  An' when you get sad--"

"I will _always_ be sad!" she snapped at him.

"No, baby girl.  Not always.  But when you are, you remember how much I love you.  You can carry--"

"Except you won't love me, because you won't exist.  You'll be... a corpse, rotting away, or like... ashes on the ground..."

"Maybe so, but I'll still love you.  I'll never stop."

She rolled her eyes.  "If you're _ASHES_ \--"

"Then I'll be ashes in love with you."  He smiled for real.

Ellie didn't.  "Joel--" she groaned.

"No, I get it... _believe_ me, I get it.  But as long as _you're_ alive, then... so is my love for you.  Don't you _feel_ it, inside of you?  It ain't gonna go away jus'--"

"Yes it will!  Because you won't be around to give it to me.  You can't just like... love me for a while, then leave, and think that--"

"I won' leave.  You'll remember me, an' how much I love you... how I want you to go on an' be happy--"

"I won't -- I'll be miserable.  My life will be over," she lamented. Didn't Joel know that?  "And just the thought of it... it hurts so much that sometimes I wonder why I even..." _...love you?_   She couldn't quite say it.  She didn't _mean_ it...

"...All right, now you're startin' to scare me... you plannin' on dumpin' my ass?" he said lightly.

She could never do it, even if the 'smart' part of her told her it would be less painful in the end.  _God, that would be the stupidest thing EVER!  Why would I even THINK that?_   Obviously, if she had to lose him sooner or later, it would be better if it was _later._ And she would have to live with knowing that she'd be hurting him so deeply, if she left... _and how would I be better off?  Because I wouldn't KNOW when he died?  I could just pretend he's alive and well even when I'm like, eighty years old?!  I'd miss out on possibly TONS of years with him..._

"Ellie, I was teasin'... I think..."

_Aww, he looks a little worried!_   She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss.  "Sorry... of course I won't leave you.  Ever.  That would be _so_ dumb."

"Good.  You had me wonderin' for a second there."  He kissed her brow.

"I just... don't know how to deal with it, except to not think about it.  And then I end up thinking about it anyway, and... it just fucking _hurts_."

Joel held her close... rubbed her back, smoothed her hair, kissed her forehead.  All these tangible things she would miss the fuck out of someday, and her memories would be a poor substitute for the real thing.  "I'm sorry I don' have a good answer for you," said Joel.  "I'll figure it out, though, an' let you know."

"You'll... figure it out?  How?"

"Well, if I knew that, I'd prob'ly already know the answer, so..."

"There _is_ no answer."

"Sure there is.  I'll think on it an' get back to you, all right?  In the meantime, don' worry about it."

Of course he wanted to solve this _problem_ for her.  That was just his way.  She was certain he wouldn't find a solution to this one, but it was super sweet that he was going to try.  "I love you."

"I know -- that's the problem, ain't it?" he teased.  "Maybe I'll have to... do shit to make you not love me so much."

Ellie giggled a little, in spite of herself.  "Except even when you piss me off, I still love you anyways."

"Damn.  Well, I'll come up with somethin'."

"Okay, so how am I not supposed to worry about it in the meantime?"

"You jus'... we'll be happy, jus' bein' together.  Wherever we are."

_Back to square zero!_   He'd given enough verbal cues for her to know he didn't really want to discuss death and doom anymore, and she felt kind of done with it herself.  At least for now.  "We're staying here for at least... three more months?" she asked.

"Three or four."

"Okay."  That was a long time; they'd only been together (as boyfriend/girlfriend, anyway) for five months!  The future was just... a big fog of uncertainty.  The only guarantee they had was _right now_.  This moment.  As much as it twisted her gut when the implications hit her, it would always be the truth.  Ellie pulled away from him and found the rock where she'd dropped it in the sand.  She took his hand and laid the rock in his palm, closing his fingers around it.  "I think you should be the one who throws this away.  Throw it as far as you can."

He looked at her a moment, then gave her a small nod.  "All right."  He took her hand again with his free one, and silently waded into the ocean with her.  The water came up nearly to her waist if a big wave broke in front of them, but they weren't far enough out that she had to jump them.  Holding his hand, she felt safe doing nothing at all, just letting the waves rush on by.  He stood rooted to the spot he seemed to have chosen as a launching pad, watching the way the sunlight danced across the water... or maybe not seeing it at all. 

Ellie was watching his face now, not the ocean.  She saw his jaw twitch... a muscle in his cheek.  His eyes were kind of... hazy.  She really couldn't tell what he was thinking.  After a few more moments, he wound up his arm and threw that rock so far that Ellie couldn't even see where it landed (although that may have been due to the waves tumbling toward them?  but she liked to think it was because he launched it hard enough to get it incredibly far away from himself -- as far as humanly possible, if not farther!).  She let him look out there silently for another few moments, then she turned his cheek toward her and kissed him sweetly.  "I'm proud of you."

He smiled.  "That's cute."

"Shut up -- I'm allowed to be proud of you for that.  Just you admitting that you're not... _bad_... that's huge."

"Don' put words in my mouth.  I never said--"

"I mean in _this_ way, silly!  Although... that would be the biggest fucking step ever if you could realize that, too."

"We still doin' steps?"

"Yes!  Until you admit you're a good person."

"I'm a good person," he said easily.  _Too_ easily.

Ellie gave him a playful shove.  "You have to mean it."

Joel snorted.  "You don' really want me to be a good person.  Good ones don' last long in this world."

"Well, what are you calling 'good'?  Someone who's never killed anyone?  Then I'm a bad person, too."

"You ain't bad.  You're the best person I know."

She could've retorted snidely that he obviously didn't know too many good people then... but she knew he truly believed it, and there was no use arguing.  "Okay, then I'm dead.  You just said they don't last long!"  _Guess we can't NOT talk about death for very long..._

"Maybe they do when they've got a bad person lookin' out for 'em, yeah?"

She swatted him.  "Then what about all these other people here?  And everyone in Jackson?  All doomed?  Or all bad?"

"Maybe half'n'half.  All I care about is you'n'me."

She giggled.  "Liar.  I know you love Tommy."

"Tommy can kiss my ass."

"Whatever!  You do.  You always say you're bad and he's good and that's why you had that falling out years ago.  So if he's-- hey!" She didn't protest too much when he started kissing her mid-sentence, but it did make her laugh.

"Why are we talkin' 'bout my brother?"  He kissed her jaw... her throat...

Of course, when he got to her neck, like right below her ear, she _really_ melted.  "I have no idea... mmm... do you always have to end conversations this way?"

He pulled up and smirked at her.  "No -- sometimes _you_ end 'em this way."

She giggled.  "But I actually _like_ talking to you so why would I want it to stop?"

"Well, if you don' like what I'm sayin'..."

"Oh!  Yeah, like when you lecture me."  She may have used kisses to distract Joel from the urge to impart his wisdom a time or two...

"I don't... _lecture_ , so much as... jus'..."

"Lecture.  Yes, that's the actual word for it."  She snickered.  "I'm your girlfriend now.  That means you can't do it anymore, right?"

Joel heaved a long-suffering sigh.  "That's a pretty tall order, kiddo.  Not sure I can do that."

"Well... I'm also a woman now.  Right?  So... I'll help you out.  I won't do anything that you feel like you _need_ to lecture me for.  How 'bout that?"

"Jury's still out on the woman thing."

"But--"

He silenced her with another kiss.  "Havin' sex... don' make you any more or less mature than you were before, remember.  We’ve talked about this.  Sometimes I would swear you're much older than fifteen... which ain't necessarily a good thing.  There's... good things, about bein' a kid.  An' you still got some.  Don't grow up too fast, all right?  At least not all the way."

Sometimes Joel seemed to agree with her _young woman_ assessment, and sometimes he seemed to still want her to be a little girl; she found it a little odd that this time was the latter when he’d just ditched that rock.  _But it’s okay… I can be both!_   "Don't worry, Joel.  I'll always be your baby girl.  No matter how old I am." _...right??  Oh God... if he says that has to stop at some point, I think I might cry!  ...why isn't he saying anything?_   "Unless... unless you think that's... too childish, or something..."

"You look worried." He smoothed her hair back and smiled at her adoringly.  "Yes, baby girl, you'll always be my baby girl."

She smiled, relieved.  "Good!  Baby _woman_ just doesn't sound right."

He laughed.  "Uh... no.  I'm glad you don' take offense to bein' a girl, then, in this case."

"It's not that I was offended... I just wanted you to realize I'm old enough to... be with you.  To make you happy."

"You've always made--"

"You know what I mean!  Happy in _that_ way.  As happy as you make me, if that's even possible."

Whenever she mentioned how happy she was -- especially how happy _he_ made her -- she could practically see the joy blooming in his face.  'Practically,' because... well, he was still _Joel_ \-- and the differences were subtle.  _But I can see it because I love him so much, and now I'm even more in tune with him than ever before... body, mind, and soul..._ She pulled his face to hers and kissed him.  Softly at first... then, when he didn't pull away, she parted her lips, tasting him with the tip of her tongue.  She kissed him until she felt dizzy, then kissed him some more... his arms were snugly around her, keeping her from falling in the water.  He seemed perfectly content with the kissing, but she wondered... she sneakily slid a hand down his back.  All the way down to his ass, slipping it inside his swim trunks.

"What're you up to?" he murmured against her lips.

"Nothing," she said innocently, trying not to giggle.  "You know, I do want us to do it out here..."

"In the ocean?  In broad daylight?"

"Or in our little cave room thing."

"Still broad daylight.  Anyone could come over here..."

"So?  Doesn't that make it even more exciting?" She waggled her eyebrows at him.

"You're a naughty girl.  And I... ain't no exhibitionist.  Those kids are playin' right down the beach there."

"Way over there.  Building sand... things."

"You said that other boy comes over here."

"Parker?  Yeah, so?"  She giggled.  "So we'll give him an education."

"You mean jerk-off material."

"Ha!  I don't think he--"

"He's sixteen."

Ellie knew that Joel thought all teenage boys were perpetually horny.  "That doesn't mean--"

"Yes it does.  An' I don' want anyone lookin' at my baby girl.  We'll come back here at night some time--"

"Tonight?" she asked hopefully.  "The moon is sort of full now..." _...and you said no to me on the LAST full moon already... although I didn't try that hard, really..._

"It still gets cold."

"We don't have to get totally naked this time -- and if we bring lots of blankets, no one will _see_ anything... please?  Pleeease, Joel?"

"Ellie..."

_He's wavering!_   "Come on, tonight would be perfect -- the same day you threw the rock away, so it's like... a _'fuck you'_ to all that..."

He sighed.  "Someday I'll learn how to say no to you when you look at me like that."

"But not today, you won't!  Yay!" she squealed and kissed him.  "Let's play in the water.  Come on!  I'll hold your hand the whole time."

She was a little more experienced with the ocean now, although not enough that Joel would let Sophie give her bodyboard lessons -- and certainly not for Jeffrey, the self-proclaimed surfer dude of the place, to give her any surf or swim lessons.  That may have had more to do with misplaced jealousy than anything else (and Ellie couldn't help pretending to be interested in such lessons sometimes, just to get him riled up for no good reason -- Joel was so _cute_ when he was jealous!).  Anyway, he had finally conceded that she didn't need constant hand-holding.  Still, she knew he felt more comfortable when they held hands -- and that it had more to do with his fears than with her skill.  Possibly going all the way back to Salt Lake City, when she'd nearly drowned.  _All these things I can't even remember... they left scars on him.  They hurt him more than they hurt me!_

She tugged him out farther into the ocean, pausing to jump through a wave here and there.  It wasn't like holding his hand was a hardship for her, either.  It was a loving gesture.  A sign of closeness and affection.  Maybe he was a little overprotective of her... _okay, a LOT overprotective_... but Ellie didn't mind.  In fact, she liked it.  _Why WOULDN'T I like such solid proof that he loves me like crazy?_ Contrary to what some people back home seemed to believe, he wasn't smothering her or holding her back.  Ellie didn't see it that way at all; in fact, she saw it as quite the opposite. 

After all, holding his hand allowed her to venture out farther than she ever could have gone on her own.


End file.
